The Straightmaster 9000
"Ponies and weirdoponies," a grinning stallion said from atop the stage. "I welcome you to our first annual Straight Pride Festival!"
Below the stage, ponies booed and hissed. One shouted, "It's GAY PRIDE! Or just PRIDE for short. Or--"
Through the hijacked sound system, the stallion's voice drowned out the crowd's complaints. "I know you all have problems! So I have brought you the perfect solution!"
As ponies all around groaned and complained, Straightmaster shouted, "The Straightmaster 9000 is the ONLY machine that cures all gay and lesbian problems!"
The crowd rumbled with questions.
"Because if you're a stallion, and you fall in love with other stallions...if only you were a mare, your problems would be SOLVED!" The villain laughed an evil laugh. "He he haa hahahaHAHAHAHAHAH!"
A yellowish-tan, green-eyed stallion wearing a cowpony hat and vegan plant leather vest climbed onto the stage. Several of Straightmaster's henchponies pointed their rayguns directly at him.
"Hold on!" the stallion shouted. "If you turn me into a mare--"
"Your problems will be SOLVED!" Straightmaster shouted.
"And if you turn my special somestallion into a mare too...and each of us wants a STALLION, not a mare..."
Straightmaster said, "I suppose the two of you will just have to break up, and find new someponies. You know what they say: you can't make the world's largest omelet without breaking up a few eggs."
"I've never heard that," the cowpony replied.
"There's always a first time." Straightmaster zapped the cowpony stallion into the form of a mare.
***
Down below the stage, off to one side, a distinct group of ponies whispered and muttered.
"It's the only way to save so many of our gay and lesbian friends," a large-snouted pony dressed as Wonder Mare said. "And imagine the...fringe benefits."
"We were MEANT TO DO THIS!" the stallion next to him said. He was wearing an ostrich costume. "For freedom! For justice! For a really good Saturday night! Three, two, one...CHARGE!"
In a flying wedge formation, the group of ponies charged around the edge of the crowd, running towards the left end of the stage. Hearing their shouts, other ponies tried to stay out of their way.
Upon the stage, Straightmaster shouted, "Team Straightmaster! All these ponies have been full of gay pride for too long! Point your Nine Thousands at the audience, and OPEN FIRE!"
Henchponies let loose, zapping random ponies in the audience into the opposite sex. Some ponies screamed, and tried to run away, but found the surrounding crowd slowed them down. Other ponies just looked angry. Ponies who had signs with strong poles started pressing their way forward, towards the stage.
Meanwhile, the wedge split into two groups. One group ran around behind the stage. In the other group, ponies leaped, vaulted, and climbed onto the raised platform.
Henchponies pointed their rayguns. "Stand back!" one shouted. "If you come ONE STEP CLOSER, I'll turn you into a...the opposite of whatever you are!"
The lead pony lifted one forehoof, waving her cape in the air. It was a transgender pride flag with blue, pink and white stripes. "I regret only that I have but two balls to lose for my true gender!" She leaped forward, tackling the henchpony. She stood straddling the henchpony, looking down at him. "Well? Zap me already! Do your best to make me straight!"
The henchpony complained, "But you're acting like you WANT me to zap you. What good is that?"
Captain Transgender (captain is a gender-neutral title!) swiped at the henchpony with one hoof, knocking the raygun out of the henchpony's grip. Another henchpony, not knowing what else to do, pointed her own raygun straight at Captain Transgender and pulled the trigger.
Captain Transgender's body transformed. Her muzzle shrank into a more delicate shape. She reached up with one forehoof to feel her own face. "How do I look?" she asked.
In the front of the crowd below the stage, a stallion shouted, "You look FABULOUS, darling!" He blew her a kiss. "Prettiest mare EVER!"
All around, the Transgender Alliance advanced on their evil anti-pride rivals. Team Straightmaster didn't know what to do against the special interest group who had called their bluff. Before long, Straightmaster and his henchponies were tied up. The Transgender ponies waved newly captured rayguns in the air.
"Woo-hoo!" 'Wonder Mare' shouted. "We've won! We've won! This is the best Pride Day ever!"
As ponies shouted and cheered, the cowstallion turned cowmare complained, "Now wait just a cowmilkin' minute! How'm Ah gonna get turned back into a stallion? My special stallionbuddy is GAY! And Ah LIKE bein' a stallion!"
Captain Transgender said, "I've got an idea, my cowherding friend. Point your forehoof at ONE pony who has a raygun. Then that pony can zap you. Let's see if that fixes you right up."
The cowpony pointed at a raygun wielder. In one zap, the cowpony returned to his proper stallion shape.
"It worked! It worked!" he shouted. "Ah'm so glad! Ah was more worried than a snake hunter in a baby daycare!"
"Huh?" Captain Transgender asked.
"On account of all the rattles...never mind. Ah'm just so glad that Ah'm my proper ME again."
Captain Transgender nodded. "I know what it's like."
Wonder Mare said, "I think we ALL know what it's like."
"I'm so confused!" wailed a henchpony. "I used to feel so insecure in my masculinity. But now that I'm a little green mare, I feel...kind of better, I guess? It's like I've been hanging on to a hard, uncomfortable, spiky tower for so long because I was afraid of falling off...and now I HAVE fallen off, and it turns out it's not so bad down here. The grass and flowers and soft ground are kind of comfortable, really." The henchpony wiggled around a little. "Also, I think I like being tied up."
Wonder Mare continued, "I think this has been a very confusing morning for a LOT of ponies. I have an idea. We can take all our transgender flags, and rip them up--"
"WHAT?" another pony shouted.
"Into their stripes! And then anypony who needs to be a particular sex, can tie a strip of the right color around a leg, or into their mane. So then we'll all be able to see how many ponies are the wrong sex, and what sex they're supposed to be changed into. We don't want to miss anypony by mistake."
"I'm a middle of the road non-binary pony!" a pony shouted from below. "I don't think I'm SUPPOSED to be just male or female, exactly. I think I want to be intersex!"
Wonder Mare examined her raygun. "Does anypony have a gun with an intersex setting?"
Ponies shook their heads.
"Well then. I suppose we have a little research project to--"
In a flash of magenta light, a purple pony princess appeared in the middle of the stage. She waved a rainbow flag emblazoned with a giant question mark. "Did somepony say RESEARCH?" She grinned in an only somewhat unsettling way.
"Princess Twilight Sparkle!" Captain Transgender said. "How pleasant to see you at the Pride Day Festival."
"I know!" Twilight agreed. "This is so wonderful. But why are ponies standing around holding rayguns, and some other ponies laying around tied up onstage? And why are ponies ripping up transgender pride flags? Is something wrong?"
Wonder Mare replied, "Something WAS wrong, but we fixed it. And now we're fixing it even better. We just need to add an intersex setting to these rayguns, and everything will be just peachy-dory!" She told Twilight all about Straightmaster's attack on Pride Day, and how proud ponies had stopped the disaster.
"Hmm," Twilight said. She walked over to Straightmaster. She put one of her wingtips under his chin. "You have a choice," she said. "You can share your research notes with me, and help fix things, and be acclaimed as a public benefactor, with a statue honoring you in the park. Or you can go the other way. Your choice."
"Hmmph!" Straightmaster spat. "I would rather go to Tartarus, than do anything to help you and these weirdos."
Twilight shrugged. "That IS an option." She smiled. "And if you DON'T cooperate, I get the fun of solving your rayguns' puzzle myself! So much fun!"
"Curses," Straightmaster said. "Foiled again."
All around, ponies ripped transgender flags into strips, and tied the strips onto themselves and each other like decorative festival ribbons.
With zapping sounds, ponies regained their true and proper shapes, or took on their truest forms for the first time in their lives.
Straightmaster glared at Twilight. "Have I ever told you how much I hate you?" He waved his muzzle at Twilight's flag. "Look at that. Even YOU don't know what you are. I don't even know what to do to you, to make you suffer."
Twilight smiled. "I think your plan for today has turned out just great. Just think how much good you could do, if you turned your talents to doing good on purpose, instead of by accident. How many ponies you could help. Look at all those happy smiles all around us."
Straightmaster grumbled, "I'll think about it."
Twilight patted his shoulder gently. "Thank you."