The Return of Harmony in Detective jakkid166
One day (or two) i was leading the class of Ponyville Pony Kid Childs through Canterlot Gardens. Cheerilee who is their normal teacher was sick with bad case of a hot cold that gave her a runny nose and runny ears and runny butt, so I, Detective jakkid166, was specially chosed to be substitute teacher for today.
"Now class this is the part of the garden where the statues are," said me. "I dont know what they are though so you dont get to learn anything today."
"Hey what is this statue?" said Apple Bloom and she point to it and it wasa statue of something that kinda look like a snake.
"Dont look at that one its not apropriate for young eyes!" I said me. "Look at this other one that also looks kinda like a snake instead." and I looked at the license plate on it and it said "DISCORD".
"Who is Discord?" said Scooterloo.
"I dont know," said me. "But he looks like the kind of guy who cheat when he plays Uno."
"Wow he sounds evil," said Sweety Belle. "We better not mess wit him or we will get into deep shit."
"Silly Sweetie Belle he is just a statue," said me. "Statues cant hurt you unless they fall on you and kill you to death. So don't do that"
"Alright sounds good," said Apple Bloom.
"Wait," I said and I look at statue. "Something off here. One of his fingers too long! But dont worry, I can fix this." and i pulled out my Detective Chisel and hammer and i went to the finger and chiseled it. BUT when I did that, the WHOLE statue cracked!
the cracks went ALLOVER the statue and it cracked inta pieces and fell apart.
"That was not my fault," said me. "Cleerly the statue is made of glass!"
but then when the statue pieces fell apart, it reveeled there was something inside it... it was a DISCORD! He looked just like the statue he was which is weird coincidence.
"HAHAHAHAHA" said Discord. "Now that I am free I am able to be the evil dick hole who keep going around making chaos and shit fuck!" and he snap his fingers and disappeared.
"Huh" I said and I turn back to the class. "Okay new rule: Nobody is allowed to ever say what just happened here."
"Alright sounds good" said the class.
~ LATER TIME ~
"Go fish!" said Applejack.
"Jack we are playing Uno" said Pinkie Pie.
"Okay," said Applejack. "¡Ve pez!"
"Fine" said Pinkie and she grab a card. "Mattels card games are way better than anythign that Hasbro makes."
but then there was a knock at the door. "Ill get it!" said Twilight. She went to th door but then something squeezed through her mail slot.
"O sweet," said Twilight. "My pacage is here!" so she opend the package and i popped out.
"HI TWILIGHT!" said me and I crack my back. "OW Getting shoved through that mail slot hurt a lot."
"Detecive jakkid why are you here?" said Twilight. "I thought you left equestria."
"No this story takes place before that."
"Oh okay"
"Anyway," said me. "Why are you playing Uno? I hate that game, it makes me say ooh, no."
"Jakkid dont make fun of uno you might make the creator of Uno sad."
"Who cares what Bob Uno thinks," said me. but then i could taste the SOUND of LIGHTNING outside! "Oh sweet a storm." And I look outside, and it wa raining... but the rain was BROWN! "What the fuck its raining poop," said me.
"No jakkid, that is chocolate milk!" said Twilight. "I can tell because I am smart. Youre smart too im just also smart"
"Oh SWEET!" i said and I ran outside to dirnk the milk out of the sky. But something was wrong...
"Wait," said me as the chocolate rain sizzled on me. "This isent chocolate milk, this is HOT CHOCOLATE! AAAAAGH" and I RAN back inside. "OW OW OW! You guys are lucky, you stayed dry while I felt the pain."
"Why is it raining hot chocolat?" said Rainbow. "Thats not supposed to happen until 7 PM"
Just then SPORK ran into the room. "GUYS!" said Spike and he flew over with his dragon wings and threw up a letter and it splat on the ground.
"Thanks Spike," said Twi and she grabbed the letter with tweezers and read it.
"I can already tell what it say without reading it!" said me. "it must be Detective Emergency! You guys can come too even though I was the one who got invited."
So we all got in my Detective Car and I was gonna drove us whee wee wee alllllll the way up to Canterlot, but since the train tracks is dangerous I had to use aother way to get up there. So I went into Twilights closet and blew up a bunch of ballons and tied them to the car, and it floated us up to Canterlot
I was in a big hurry so i did my Detective Parkour and jump across the building tops and backflipped over the castle wall and frontflipped through the window into the Hall of the Elements of Harmony.
"Alright Celesia I got your letter I am here," I said. I checked my watch and saw I made a new personal record
"Wait what?" said Celstia. "That letter was for Twilight and her friends though!"
"Hahahaha very funny" said me. "Having a mystery and not inviting me, you are silly. Funny Celestia"
Then the others showd up. "Hey what the fuck is happening?" said Twilight
"Yeah," said Rarity. "Its raining chocolat!"
"The bunnies have long legs!" said Flut.
"The stock market is down!" said Pinkie
"The rainbow factory is not doing anything suspicos!" said Rainbow Dash.
"Onea my ears is slightly longer than the other!" said Applejack. "Thats how it usually is but its still weird"
"Twilight, prepare yoself," said Celestia. "Discord is back!"
"OH NOOOOOOO!" said Twilight. "Whos that"
"Detective jakkid166 youre smart and know things," said Applejack. "Do you know who it is"
"Uhhhhhh." said me. "Nope"
"Discord is the Master of Chaos, and he has the power to plunge Equestira into bad forever!" said celstia. "You see, long ago..."
(FLASHBACK)
"HAHAHA" saod Discord. He was sitting on his Porcelain Throne of Evil while he made it rain all over the place. with hot chocolate not money. "Since I am so rich, I can make it rain both outside AND when i go to the stripe club!"
"HALT!" said a voice. Discord turned around 360 degrees and saw who it was... it was CELESTIA! "Discord you dumbiot," she say. "You cant make Equestria chaos! We have tha elements of harmony!"
"Screw you yes I can," said Discord. "Besides who cares if you have elements! I have elements too, like sodium and iron."
"Well these are MAGIC elements!" said Celestia and she showed them "You see, they have speical magic gems in them for harmony! You dont have anything like that for chaos."
"Yes I do" said Discord and he pulled out six big gems. "These are called the Chaos Emeralds."
"Fuck," said Celestia.
"Hi I am also hereth," said Luna. "Discord our elaments are more powerfuleth than thou salt and nutritious breakfast cereal! We will kill you into stone!"
"We will see about that!" said Discord, and he pulld out the Chaos Emeralds and FIRED it at Lunestia!
"HELL!" said them but they pulled out the elements and brought a magic SHIELD UP! the Chaos laser REFLECTED off it and went into the sky and hit a bird instead.
"Hahaha!" said Celestia. "You see? We ar powerful!"
"oh NOOOOO!" said Discord. "This call for drastic measure." and he pulled out a Glock G17 pistol.
"Oh fuck we did not prepare for this." said Celestia.
"HAHAH!" said Siscord. "Time for you to meet your die!"
but then the bird that got hit fell on Discords head and knocked him out.
"Oh." said Celestia. "Well that works" she said and she and luna used the elements to turn him to stone.
( THE PRESENT DAY )
"Wow a glock? That is terrible," said Rarity. "How did he escape??"
"I dont know," said me. "Why are you asking me I would not know how he have escaped at all."
"Nobody knows," said Celesita. "Our security cameras woulda seen it but they all have detective bullet sized bullet holes in them for some reason."
"Huh thats really weird" I said. "Anyway im gonna leave now."
but THEN a laughing voice appeared! "Ahahahahaha," said the voice. "Ooooooo spooky noises"
"Dammit that must be Discord he is trying to scare us!" said Celestia.
"hahaha that is right" said the voice and he made a TV appear playing Nightmare on Elm Street to scare us, but it was actualy the remake so it didnt work.
"That movie sucks" said me.
"Fine" said Discord and he changed it to the Emoji Movie.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH" I screamed "NOOOOOOOO"
"Discord stop fucking!" said Celestia. "How ded you escape?!"
Discord appear on one of the stain glass windows and said "You silly Celestia, do you not know? I escaped because Detective jakkid166 set me free on accident."
Everyone lookd at me. "ITS NOT MY FAULT!" i said. it wasnt my fault.
"Heh, now to steal Equestria!" said Discord and he disapeared.
"Detective jakkid I am going to kill you" said Celestia.
"You cant, the death penalty is ilegal here."
"Oh yeah darn. Well go fix things then! All of you go kill Discord into stone again."
"Copy that" said Twilight and we all ran outside. "Okay," said Twilight "We gotta find Discord!"
"But how?" said me. "Google maps has not yet added Discord tracking support!"
"We will have to do thing the old fashion way," said Applejack. She took out a rope and she threw it and nothing happen. "Ok partner im out of ideas."
"Wait," said Twi. "Where are we?" and we look around and saw, we were in a MAZE!
"Wow," said Pinkie. "This is a-maze-ing!" and then i fined her $50 for telling a stupid joke
"Pff mazes are easy," said me. "I have beat Pac Man. All you ahve to do to escape a maze is eat everything in it and not die from the ghosts."
"We shold probably split up," said Twilight. "Each of us are most powerful when we are alone after all."
"Good idea" said everyone at once and we all split off in our directons. I went through the maze and got out my Detective Skateboard and skated through the halls of the maze, but I heard THINGS HAPPENING that were spooky.
"oh no," I said and I started doing kickflips to calm myself down. But eventualy I skated into a big area in the maze where there were things in it! It was things like obstacle courses and criminals robbing banks and Smash Bros. Ultimate tournaments.
"Oh shit!" said me. "It is all the challenges of the greatest detective! I can do all this easy."
"Is that sure?" said a voice. I was too lazy to look up so I tok out a mirror and looked down at it to see what was up, and DISCORD was up. "Hello Detective jakkid166, do you liking what you see?"
"DISCORD!" said me and I take out my gun. But Discord snap his fingers and the gun turn into play-doh.
"Not allowed," said Discord. "There is no flying and no magic alowed here, and a gun is kind of like magic if you think abot it."
"Fine," said me. "What do you want"
"Well you ar the greatest detective right?" said Discord.
"I am yes," said me "They call me tha greatest detective in the world for a reason, and that is because I am. I am good at ALL the things! Like the things that are here."
"Oh yeah?" said Dicord. "I bet I can find something you are NOT good at!"
"Pff try it buster," I said. "You wont"
"Here lets make a bet," said Discord. "If you win then I leave and go back to stone. If I win, you get MIND CONTROL and work for me now!"
"Haha easy" said me. "You will lose! Now show me, what am I not good at?"
Discord snap his fingers and a tray apper in his hands. He open it and show it to me and...
"No..." say me... "It canot BE... HOW COULD YOU KNOW?"
On the TRAY... was a SUDOKU PUZZLE
"NOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed me to the heevens. "How cold you know my one weakness, that I do not know how to play sudoku??? Fuck!!" and I slam my fists to the ground.
"Haha I win," said Discord and he bring his finger to me to turn me into Chaos Slave!
"NO!" I scream and I RUN AWAY! I ran out the room into the hall and I ran into TWILIGHT!
"Jakkid what are you doi-" BUT THEN I GRABBED TWILIGHT AND THREW HER INTO THE ROOM and ran away. i went to the edge of the maze and climbed up over the hedge and got outside.
"THERE I WIN!" said me. I did my dective victory dance but then Discord appear in front of me again, and this time he had all six the main ponies there... and they were all weird gray looking, like maybe if someone turn the sateration down on their TV. Or mind control corrupted them.
"You idoit," said Discord "You broke the rules! You cant climb the hedges!"
"You didnt say that," said me. "You just said no wings or flying."
"Uhhhhh" said Discord. "Shut up I win" and he left to go chaosify equestria.
"Dammit!" said me and I went to the ponies. "Comon guys we gotta go beat the Discord!"
"I cant," said Twilight. "I am gray and have no magic anymore!"
"What" said me and I look at the others. "What about you guys"
"Who give a crap," said Pinkie.
"All I want is my diamond," said Rarity who was hugging a rock for some reason
"GVFIYAFG&BR^V*(V&%" said Fluttershy
"This sentence is a lie" said Applejack.
"Im not even here," said Rainbow Dash and she wasn't.
"God dammit you guys hav no motivation!" said me. "What did Pisscord do to you huh?"
"He paid us fifty bucks to stop being good at stuff" said Twilight.
"Dammit Twilight you hav no integrity! The bribes I take are at LEAST two hundred dollars"
"But I want to buy the Nintendo Wii U"
"I'll buy you a Wii U if you help me defeat Discord!" said me.
"Fine," said her and we went back to Pony Ville.
~ ONE SECOND LATER ~
We were still walking to Ponyville but I cold see it in the distance, so I said "HOY THE FUCK!"
"What?" said Twilight and she pull out her Binoculars to look but it was too far away.
"Silly Twilight binoculars are not enough," said me and I pull out my Trinoculars. "Damn! Ponyville is screwed up like hell man. Like hellman. Like hellman's brand mayonaise"
That was true cause I saw was Discord was going around the whole place doin chaos things, like breathing and doing taxes and putting mayo on sandwiches. It was so crazy I cold not handle it!
"We gotte stop him, Twilight!" said me.
"Yeah!" said twi. "I might not have magic but we can use the elements of harmony!"
"The what" said me. "Wait did Celestia remember to give those to us before we leave?"
"Uhhhh" said Twilight. "Oh fuck."
"god DAMMIT!" said me. "Okay we gotte do this a different way then!" and i pull out my gun but it was still made of Play Doh. I ran up to Discord and said "HEY!" and I shot bullets at him but they were play doh so they were just tasty instead of arresty.
"Hahaha you are two late!" said Discord to me and Twilight. "I have already taken over Pony ville!"
And then the other five discorded ponies ran up to us. "Hahaha you are five late!" said Discord.
"Dammit!" said me. "Thats seven whole late... what will we do now?!"
"Maybe the true power of element is not in the element," said Twilight, "But in our hearts and will."
"Wow that is smart Twilight," said me. "Okay guys lets try to magic Discord away!"
So all of us stood there and STRAINED and PUSH really hard to try and will Discord away and we was really groaning hard and HRNNNNNNGH
"Jeez you peopel are weird." said Discord and he left away.
"Dammit!" said me. "It dident work! I dont think we paid for the Hearts and Will expansion pack for the elements of harmony."
"Okay well lets go back to mine house to regroup," said Twilight.
so we went back to Twi House but everyone was all stupid and stinky because they were all grayed and stuff so they were doing stupid things. "HEY!" said Rarty. "I am stealing the rest of this paragraph becaus I am greedy!" and then she
"Dammit you guys!" said me. "Do you wanna beat Discord off or not?!"
"Who cares" said about Rainbow and she listened to True Stories by Talking Heads becaus that was now her favorite Talking Heads album even though the others are way better.
"Dammit, Discord took away Rainbows good music taste!" said me. "Comon you guys! You guys you guys! You guys. You guyssssssss"
Fluttershy was playin Mario Kart against Pinki Pi and she THREW the wiimote at the screen. "Pinkie Pie more like Stinkie Poo! You cheat!"
"No I dont," said Pinkie Pie. "Besides dont complain you got 1st place"
"Yea but you got 0th place!"
I lookt at Applejack and said "Hey Applejack since you lie about things now. What do you think of Rainbow Dash."
"I like Rainbow Dash a lot," said Applejack.
"How many times hav you died?"
"At least 3"
"Is Applejack a fake name you used to escape from pervious crimes of tax evasion?"
"No"
"Wait what." But then there was a SHOOK! "God dammit!" and we all ran ouside. "FUCK!" i saw, as I said disccord was outside and he was buildin something.
"Hahaha welcome Detective jakkid166 and the ponies who are not detective jakkid166. How do you lik my invention!"
"I hate it!" said me. "What is it"
"This is the CHAOS NUKE!" he say. "And with this, i can nuke ALL of the chaos into Equestira! and I power it by these." and he took out his Chaos Emeralds and put them in the nuke.
"Dammit, the caos emeralds! The clasic signature Discord weapon!" said me.
"For damn sake Discord, why do you even want to do a Chaos? It doesnt even have vitarmins and minerals like Cheerios(trademark symbol) cereal!" said Futtershy.
"Wel you see," said Discord, "It all start when I was but a littel boy..."
( BAGIC TRACKSTORY FLASH BACK)
"Honey I am home!" said Discord as he walk into his house, year ago in the past.
"Stop talking to the honey Discord" said Discord Wife as she walk into the living room. "I am makeing dinner! Go tell the kids to wash they hands, and also there antlers cause we have antlers."
"You got it Wife," said Discord and he untie his tie and walk up the stairs. "Man the stock market is so bad today. I have been doing so many business," he said and he put his suitcase on the coffee table. The one on the floor
After Discord got him kids down and ready for dinder, they all sit at the dinner table and prayed to the Pony God and began to ate.
"So, the Discord Wife, what did you do today that was fun?" said Discord.
"Oh well you see I" but then she DIED! (stopped being alive)
"WHAT" said one of the Discord kids. "What happen to mom?!"
"Oh NO!" said Discord. "She was eatin, but she ate the SECOND bite of her food instead of the first! So she died of starveation! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" and he screamed NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
(END OF FLASH BACK?)
"And you see," said Discord "That is why whatever it is you wanted to know."
"It all makes sense now," said Rainbow Dash. "Maybe chaos is good after all."
"I agree," said George.
"Yeah well Im the smart Detective and im not fooled," said me. "My mind is special becaus it is actualy inside my head."
and I pulld out the Detective Gun. "Now change Ponyquestria back to normal or else I will not be nice at you!"
But then Discord clicked on the "NO" option and he pulld out his OWN gun! And then the other ponies pulled their guns out too and we was at a STANDOFF. (his gun run on Chaos Emeralds instead)
"So this a Mexican standoff..." said Discord.
"No its not" said Twilight. "We are not in Mexico."
"Oh yeah good point" said everyone at once and we all got in my Detective car and drove to Pony Mexico to do the standoff. While we were on the way Discord kept changing the radio station and he was realy annoying
We tried to get to Mexico but I ran out of Detective Gas so we had to go to the Mexico that is in Kentucky instead. We got outta the car and I said "Okay so heer we are. Time to beat you Dsicrod!"
"Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha," said Discord. "You fuels! I cannot be beated, I have tha chaos emeralds!"
"Oh no" said Twilight. "I forgot about that cause he didnt say enough times that he had them!"
"Well shoot," said me. "Guess we die." and we all sat together while Discord got redy to charge the chaos emerlds. But then... he DIDNT!
"Wait," I said waitingly. "Why arent you killing us?"
"Uhhhhhh" said Discord. "Shit I forgot the Emeralds back in Equestria."
"Oh." said me. "Does that mean we can beat you?"
"Shit I guess so" said Discord.
so we did a BIG BRAWL (a real brawl not Smash Bros Brawl) and we all beat up Discord to teach him lessons about not putting Equestira into Chaos. Discord layed on the ground and he had black eyes and red bruises and a pink tounge. He bleeded up a white flag and an ambulance drove over and his wife and kids got out.
"Discord are you okay?!" said Discord Wife
"No," said Discord "Those mean bulies beat me up!"
"That is shit!" said Discord Wife "We wil sue you!" and they put Discord in the ambolance and drove away.
"Well then" said me. "It look like we save the day."
"WOO LO HICIMOS WE DID IT!" said Twilight. We all CHEERED and we HIGH FIVED and UP HIGHED and DOWN LOWED and TOO SLOWED. But then we heared a BOOM in the distance.
"What was that" said Twiligy.
"Uh" said me. "Did you guys forget to disarm the caos nuke?"
"Aw shit." said Rarity
just then Celestia flew down to us and said "God dammit you guys you forgot the Nook! Now there is so many chaos that my Mac and Cheese burned! Now you have to go clean it up" she said and she threw brooms at us.
"But my name is Detective jakkid166 not Janitor jakkid166" said me.
"Too bad do it or else I will demote you to Janitor jakkid166 and you clean it up anyway."
"Goddammit fine" said us and we went to go sweep the chaos up.
THE END