Pinkie and her Bane
She asked them to “keep a low profile”. Coming from Pinkie Pie, this was tough to comply with.
Still, they waded through the forest, trying hard not to ask why they were there; after all, they were going to find out soon, so what’s the point? Still, Applejack couldn’t help but notice the way Pinkie navigated the twists and bends of the forest as if she were making the path up on the spot, or if the forest opened up paths according to her whim. Twilight Sparkle walked just behind Pinkie, and the others followed in a line, with Rainbow Dash at the very back, watching everypony. Rarity worried about the branches that threatened to cling to her mane, while Fluttershy just hoped they’d get to their destination as soon as possible, as the silence and the darkness of her surroundings unnerved her.
And now, they’re right there, by the entrance of the cave.
“Come on! Just follow me!” Pinkie whispers loudly.
Twilight, as if by instinct, casts a discreet light spell, and they slowly walk, hearing the reverberation of their own hooves against the stone. Pinkie leads on, her determined face hidden from the others. Twilight is too eager to ask what awaits them, but she holds back.
As they approach a turn, they see some light coming from around the corner. Pinkie takes a few quick steps ahead and takes a look, and finally turns to the others.
“Yeah, there he is! Take a look!”
The remaining five ponies make it around the turn, but it’s still a bit too dark to make anything out, despite the candles helplessly flickering in the damp air of the cave. Applejack is the first one to spot something odd. She at first can’t believe it, but there he is: an earth pony, blindfolded and gagged, tied to a chair. He starts to squirm, probably because he can hear their presence, his slightly-greyish-white fur bouncing off the light of the candles and of Twilight’s spell; his thick, curly brown mane shuddering as he moves.
The eyes of the five ponies pop wide, in sequence, and at last they allow themselves to gasp.
“Pinkie!” Twilight says, her loud voice bouncing off the walls. “What is that?”
“Easy, girls, easy! I can explain it all!” Pinkie replies, her eyes closed, her right forehoof raised against them with confidence.
“Didja just… Ya didn’t kidnap dat pony, did ya?” Applejack says.
“Well, I brought him here, not exactly by his own will,” Pinkie replies, holding her chin, pondering the facts. “But kidnap? That would be a mean thing to do!”
Fluttershy feels her stomach turn into a void pit. She now can even hear the pony grunting in his chair.
“Pinkie, this is terrible!” Twilight retorts, her horn glowing with new magic. “We can’t leave him there!”
“No! No, don’t do that!” Pinkie shouts, jumping in front of the pony, forelegs outstretched, as if that could block the spell. “That would be a terrible mistake!”
“What could possibly be a worse mistake than tying up a poor, innocent pony in a remote cave and bringing us here to watch?” Rarity says. The dignity in her voice almost gave some glamour to the scene.
“Innocent?” Pinkie frowns. “Ladies! This is what I meant to say! That pony,” she points, “is no regular pony! That… is a self-insert!”
The way Pinkie says this suggests she can see an imaginary camera zooming in towards her face, in dramatic fashion.
The other ponies just blink.
“A what?” Fluttershy replies.
“Self-insert?” Rainbow Dash says. “I’ve never heard of that!”
“Care ta explain, Pinkie?” AJ says.
“You don’t know what they are?” Pinkie Pie says, almost genuinely not believing it. “Well! I don’t know exactly where those things come from, but every time I’ve come across one, they were up to no good! They come out of nowhere, act strange, say odd things, everypony around them seems to instantly love them, and somehow, they just make ponies do weird things! They’re scary!”
The pony behind her seems to be grunting louder now.
“But, even if those things do exist, how do you know he’s one of them?” Twilight says, trying hard to maintain her rationality.
“Oh, my friend Twilight, my Pinkie Sense has never failed: a tingle on the tip of my left hoof and two tingles on the tip of my nose, and that’s how I know! In fact, it’s tingling right now!” she says, pointing at her nose with her left hoof. “Can you see? Right here!”
“Ah don’t think we can see tingles,” Applejack says.
“I’m sure she can, somehow,” Rainbow Dash replies.
“But what do you expect us to do?” Rarity says, in elegant exasperation. “Why would you bring us here?”
“I’m not sure how we’ll do this,” Pinkie proclaims in a dramatic pose, “but we have to get rid of him.”
“Get rid?” the five ponies reply, almost in unison.
The captive pony almost tips over his chair.
“Girls, I’m feeling a little sick,” Fluttershy interrupts, her voice somehow even weaker than usual.
“Yes! Get rid,” Pinkie insists. “We can’t allow these things to roam around Ponyville freely.”
“Pinkie!” Twilight says, taking a few steps forward. “If you expect us to believe you, you at least have to let us speak to him.”
“But Twilight! This is dangerous! I told you they make us do weird things! They make me do weird things!”
AJ frowns. “Pinkie Pie, nopony needs ta make ya do weird things.” The others just nod.
“No no no! I don’t mean ‘Pinkie weird’. I mean, ‘creepy weird’! It’s a different kind of weird! A weird kind of weird!”
“I’m obliged to agree with Applejack,” Twilight says, like a diplomat. “This is already strange enough, so we need to at least speak to him.”
Pinkie Pie sighs and shakes her head, her puffy mane echoing the gesture. “I must warn you, you’re making a big mistake!”
The four ponies don’t even wince; only Fluttershy does so, as she’s been wincing ever since she got here.
Pinkie walks around the pony and unties his gag, prompting a long, painful gasp and a flurry of unintelligible words.
“... aaaah, puta merda! Caralho, puta que pariu, que porra é ess--”
And then, the blindfold falls off his face, and in the urge to open his eyelids, the light stings his eyes and he shuts them again.
Gradually, he opens his eyes, and, as he sees the six faces before him, his reaction is exactly none.
He just stays there, his lower jaw hanging, his eyes frozen with a kind of terror that’s not only terror; it’s a weird sort of fascination, if Rarity could bring herself to believe it.
After many seconds of uncomfortable silence, Twilight takes a step forward. “Um, hello?”
The pony takes a few heavy, almost pained breaths, as he struggles to speak. “Is dat… really you? Wat is...”
“He seems to be in shock, Twilight! The poor pony,” Rarity says, stepping next to her. “Don’t be afraid! We’re here to help.”
He spotted Pinkie Pie shaking her head, but he couldn’t react properly to anything.
“Oh, dear god, I’m… I mean, sweet Celestia, I… am I really here? Is dis really Ponyville?”
“This is Everfree Forest, actually,” Twilight replies, “but, who are you?”
“Ah… I’m… wait, I mean, you are the Mane S-- I mean, uhh, you are the Elements of Harmony, right?”
The more he spoke, the more the six ponies could notice an odd accent in his voice, which none of them remembered having heard before. It wasn’t quite thick, but very noticeable.
“Yep, that we are!” Rainbow Dash replies, almost striking a pose.
“Yes, and what about you?” Twilight tries again. “What’s your name?”
“My name,” he says, making a pause as if he has to remember it. “I’m Dainty-- ai, porr-- I’m Dainty Tunes, and… yeah, I guess.”
“Well, I’m most delighted to meet you, Dainty,” Rarity says, “and I’m deeply sorry that you’re like this right now. Maybe if we get to know each other better, we can fix this horrendous situation.”
“Ladies! You don’t know what you’re doing, do you?” Pinkie finally says.
“Pinkie!” Dainty gasps. “Please, get me out of here, please?”
The pink pony strikes him with a shocked gaze. The other five turn to look at her. “How do-- How do you know my name? I never introduced myself to you!”
Dainty stutters for a moment. “W-well, ahm, ev’r’one knows about you’rround here, don’t dey?”
“Dat’s true, I guess,” Applejack says. “It’s hard not to know ‘bout her.”
“É! É, yeah, exactly!” Dainty eagerly says. “You’re a… a well-beloved pony, so, dat’s why, uhh, yes.”
“Hmm, I don’t buy that, buddy!” Pinkie replies, stepping closer to him as he winces. “So, your cutie mark,” she says, inspecting it again: a treble clef on a staff, with a few eighth notes after it, “you make music, do you?”
“Sim, I do, yes, yes,” he says, “I… uh, I write tunes, yes. Dainty Tunes, I do, yes.”
“What are the diatonic triadic chords of the A-flat major scale?” Pinkie inquires, the syllables flying so fast from her mouth, he almost can’t understand it.
He stares at her for a moment before he’s able to think. “... uhh, A-flat major, B-flat maj-- minor, minor; C minor, uhh, D-flat major, E-flat major… F minor and, um, G diminished?”
“What’s the difference between G natural minor and G harmonic minor?”
Dainty thinks for a moment, sounding a little less scared. “The first has F natural and the second is sharp? No? No, that’s it, yeah.”
The ponies in the back exchange glances, even more confused than they’ve been so far.
“What scale can I use over an A augmented chord?” she says, a menacing squint on her eyes.
“Um… Any scale you want, Pinkie!” he says with a shrug.
Her eyes widen, with a smile. “Correct! Hm, you’re the first one to ever get that answer right.”
“What the hay just happened in there?” Applejack retorts, adjusting her hat.
“Just checking if he’s really of the musical kind, or just pretending,” Pinkie says in a didactic tone. “So! If you write tunes, would you, maybe, care to sing one of them to us?” she says, with an odd amount of drama.
“Uh… sing? I guess, um…”
He takes a breath to sing, but then, he starts to gasp and stutter. His eyes dart left and right, and the puzzled looks on the other ponies’ faces only make him more nervous. As he tries to stop shaking and concentrate, he starts to sing:
“Honeybee, honeybee, I thought I had set you free...”
“Hmm, not bad,” Rarity says, throwing a glance at Twilight.
Pinkie carefully assesses the tune, and begins nodding her head to the rhythm of the tune, as if approving it. Out of the blue, then, she starts singing along with him:
“I feel I must apologise for turning my back to you…”
The other five ponies now just watch, in puzzlement, as their singing gets more and more enthusiastic. By now, Pinkie is swinging a lighter over her head as she sings:
“Honeybee! Honeybee, you helped me see this world has a place for me!”
“Uh, Pinkie? What are you doing?” Rainbow says.
Just then, they stop singing. Pinkie’s eyes freeze and she holds her pose.
“Did I… just start singing a song I never heard?” she says, as she throws the lighter away. “Do you see now? This is too weird, even for me!”
The ponies shrug. “Not that we would know,” Fluttershy replies.
“Okay, friends, let’s keep our focus here,” Twilight says, turning towards the other ponies. “We can’t leave him tied to this chair, for no reason. This isn’t right!”
“Well, fer sure, but ah feel we should get ta know this Dainty fella a little better,” Applejack says.
“I wouldn’t mind that at all,” Dainty says under his breath, before loudly coughing and clearing his throat. “Of course! Of course, yeah, you totally should. Please.”
Applejack makes a pause before she goes on. “So, partner, yer new ‘round here, aren’t ya? Where do ya come from?”
Dainty looks from side to side, nervous, thinking for a moment. “Um… Manehattan.”
“Really?” Pinkie Pie says, with a challenging tone. “From which part of Manehattan?”
He swallows. “What do you mean?”
“Manehattan is a big place,” she goes on, charging towards him. “From which part exactly are you?”
He shudders as he looks at her. “The north?”
“The north!” she says, turning towards the others. “Can you believe that?”
“Take it easy, Pinkie,” Applejack says, stepping past her and facing the scared pony. “Take it easy. Anyway, why are you here?”
“Well… to make my music.”
“You want to be a musician in Ponyville?” Rarity intervenes. “Surely you’d have a much better chance in a big, trendy metropolis instead of our humble little town.”
“But what about you, Rarity?” he says. “You didn’t have to give up dis place because of your career!”
She pauses, glancing at the others before she turns to him again. “You know my work?”
“Um, sure, of course! I… admire you as an artist.”
“Oh, I’m most flattered, darling!” she says.
“No! Rarity, don’t fall for him!” Pinkie interrupts, running towards her. “Don’t you think that’s suspicious? He knows you, he knows your name, he knows my name, but he can’t even say where he comes from! Do you think you can trust him?”
“I gotta say, he does sound a little suspicious!” Rainbow Dash says.
“But what if he’s just too nervous to speak properly?” Fluttershy suggests, taking a few tentative steps towards him. “Maybe he’ll feel better if we untie him…”
Pinkie Pie jumps towards him. “No! Don’t do that! If we cut him loose, he’ll wreak havoc with everypony’s lives!”
“If he can do that, why ain’t he doin’ that right now?” Applejack says.
“Friends! Friends!” Twilight Sparkle says, taking a stand before the five. “I think we should put this to vote.”
Pinkie throws herself to the ground. “We’re doomed!”
Twilight rolls her eyes. “Anyway, who’s in favour of untying him?”
She raises a forehoof, along with Fluttershy and Rarity.
“And who’s against it?”
Applejack and Rainbow Dash exchange a glance and raise a forehoof. Pinkie, her face buried in one forehoof, raises the other one as high as she can.
“Well, this didn’t help at all,” Twilight sighs.
“Democracy never worked, I tell ya,” Applejack replies.
“Just let me ask him one last question, girls?” Pinkie says, getting up from the ground. “If that doesn’t change your mind, you can do whatever you want with him.”
“Oh, my,” Dainty mutters to himself, blushing.
Twilight shrugs. “Sure.”
“Go on,” Rainbow Dash says.
Pinkie then turns towards him, who’s now cowering and shaking. “Your accent. Where is that from?”
He freezes for a moment. “My accent? I… é…”
“It’s a charming accent, darling, don’t get me wrong. But I do declare, I’ve never heard anypony talk the way you do,” Rarity says, “and I’ve conversed with ponies from many places around Equestria.”
“Maybe it’s not an accent, just the way he speaks,” Twilight says.
“Isso! I mean, yeah,” he says.
“But those words? Are they even in our language?” Fluttershy says to the others. “I don’t recognise them.”
“It could be the Fillydelphia accent,” Pinkie says.
“Yes!” Dainty says. “Dat’s it.”
Pinkie turns and points to him, standing on her hind legs. “A-ha! I tricked you! That’s not a Fillydelphia accent!”
“... não?” he whimpers.
“You are a self-insert!”
“Okay, I admit!” he cries. “I am a self-insert! I am a pathetic, worthless, useless self-insert. You’rright all along. And you’rr-- you were right to be mad at me.”
“We’re not mad at you, friend,” Fluttershy says.
“I am!” Pinkie retorts. “He lied to us! He tried to trick us!”
“She’s got a point, ya know,” Rainbow Dash says, rather annoyed.
“But why are self-inserts all that bad?” Fluttershy says. “And what are they?”
“They’re unknown beings from a parallel dimension that pass off as ponies in Equestria and live a different life,” Twilight explains. “And often they can be the source of distortions and anomalies in our world. Sometimes they’re called OC’s.”
“Original Characters,” Dainty says.
“Waitaminnit,” Applejack says. “Ya knew ‘bout dat, Twilight? Ya knew all along?”
“Of course. I’ve read about them, but I’ve never met one.”
“Well, now you have, Twilight,” Dainty says, his voice buried in embarrassment.
“And how does Pinkie know?” Rainbow says.
“Why wouldn’t she?” he replies. “She’s Pinkie Pie.”
“What do you know about me, mister?” she says, annoyed.
“Well, a lot,” he says, looking down, barely facing her. “Even though we come from different deemensions, we… are somehow linked, I could say. And I admire everything I know about you, and even though dis is a… weird way to meet you, I’m happy to talk to you. You’re… brilliant.”
She briefly smiles before forcing a frown. “Don’t give me that sweet talk, sir!” she says. “I’ve never seen a self-insert who didn’t cause trouble for us.”
Twilight makes a puzzled frown. “How many have you met, Pinkie?”
“I guess she’s kidnapped them all,” Rainbow says.
“Of course not, silly!” Pinkie says. “They just sometimes come and go and you never get to see them. But I do.”
“But OC’s aren’t all that bad, girls, I swear!” he says. “Right, Rarity?”
His breath stops, as if he feels he’s done something terribly wrong.
Rarity just gives a nervous glance at her friends. “Uh, moi? Why would I know about that, darling?”
“É… because you’re the Element of Generosity, aren’t you?” he says, trembling. “You’re the kind of pony who’d know that. And Fluttershy, the Element of Kindness, would know that better than anybo-- anypony. That’s why you wanted to let me loose… I’m not saying the others are bad, mind you! You all rock, all of you, I just… eh, never mind...”
“So why are you here, in our world, then?” Twilight says.
“To be honest, I don’t really know,” he replies. “I guess I... wonder’rat it- wondered what it would be like to be here, to be in this world. I didn’t even want to meet any of you in pers-- I mean, in pony, I guess, I… just… meant to be out of your way, see things from a distance, and then, maybe, go away without leaving a trace. And I, I never meant to cause you trouble!... oh, god, did I seriously quote Coldplay? Sorry, girls, I’m such a fuc-- … a fool.”
The ponies exchange confused glances for a moment.
“So you see, Pinkie,” Rarity says, “there was no need for you to do any of this.”
“Oh, don’t blame her, girls,” Dainty intervenes. “She may have… unorthodox methods, but she had good reasons to be suspicious. I understand her. She’s a wonderful pony, and I’d never get angry at her.”
“Yeah, yeah, but I owe you an apology anyway,” Pinkie says, finally giving Dainty a friendly look. “I’m sorry for doing that to you. And I’m sorry for scaring you, girls. I’ll be more careful next time… and I won’t kidnap anypony.”
“Yeah, but what are we gonna do about him?” Rainbow says. “Can we really trust him?”
“Ponies, look, I’ll make you a promise. I will never, ever get in your way. I’ll never do anything that could cause problems for anypony, in Ponyville or anywhere else. And if I ever do even one tiny stupid thing, I’ll be gone forever; and if I’m not gone, you’re free to do whatever it takes to get rid of me. I don’t know if my word is worth much, but it’s all I have.”
“Is that a Pinkie Promise?” the pink pony says with a demanding tone.
“Yes, Pinkie Promise!” he eagerly says. “Cross my heart, hope to… um, what’s it like again?”
“Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick my cupcake in my eye!” she says.
He repeats the promise, almost as if he’s enjoying it. She smiles at him.
“So, what do you say, girls?” Twilight says.
“Oh, let him go,” Pinkie says. “But I’ll keep my eyes on you, you hear?”
“I know, Pinkie,” Dainty smiles.
So, with a simple spell, Twilight undoes the knots in the ropes, and Dainty Tunes leaps off the chair, desperately stretching his limbs and his neck. “Oh! Oh, thank you, thank you! Urgh, I was going crazy not being able to move… Thank you so much!”
“You’re welcome, Dainty,” Twilight says. “But remember your promise.”
“Of course!” he says, his eyes wide. “I know what happens when you break a Pinkie Promise… Oh, and… can I make you just one request? Can you tell Spike that he’s awesome and he’s great and that I’m his fan?”
Twilight glares at him. The other ponies give her an awkward glance.
“Just leave, will you?”
“Sure! Sure,” he says and immediately rushes out of the cave, almost tumbling as he makes the first turn.