Cock Blocked
Today gives new meaning to the phrase 'cock blocked.'
What? Is someone there? Oh, hello, whoever you are. Yes, yes, I'm perfectly okay with this invasion of my think-space. No, no, really, it's fine. Cause I'm a cool pony.
I'm Soarin'. Of the the Wonderbolts' fame. Yes, that Soarin'. The most handsome and eligible bachelor in all of Equestria and of course of all the team. That's because you're the only 'bachelor' on the team. Heh, heh, that was Spitfire, just ignore her, she's just jealous. Note to self: never think out loud.
Anyways where was I? Oh yes, most handsome and eligible bachelor. If you can't tell I just flexed my muscles and winked seductively. What? You're a colt? Doesn't matter! I make all the mares swoon and turn all the colts bisexual. Mares, look at your coltfriend, now look at me, now look at your coltfriend, now back to me. I'm a pony. And your coltfriend is now gay for me. None of you can have me though.
Whaddaya mean 'I'm being a cock-tease'? If I wanted to do that I'd be hoofing it right now with that red farmer stallion! Sorry, Spitfire interrupted my thought process again. Geesh, some mares.
Ahem. (I just coughed for emphasis, that's real important.) Anyways the real reason none of you can have me is because I'm dating the sexiest mare in all Equestria (well, sexiest compared to me.)
Who is this mare you ask? Rainbow Dash! Of course, you should know who Rainbow Dash is. She's famous. You'd have to be living under a rock to not realize. Wait, scratch that, I know some very intelligent and in the loop ponies that live under rocks. Hmm perhaps I could say.... no, no, that's insulting to cabbages! Ooh, I can't say that either, they'll fly me outta town. I can't really think of a comparison right now, so just go make one up yourself. Go on, you're a smart pony! Or, at least I think you are. You may still prove me wrong.
Well, and I know this is off topic, (I'm already way out to left field so I may as well stay there and enjoy it for a time) but I can just tell there are a few ignorant souls amongst us who are just pining to know who this Rainbow Dash is. Sit down, relax, maybe grab a bottle of cider and some apple pie... that farmer mare makes a mean apple pie. There is nothing in Equestria that rates higher! Well, okay, sex with Dash rates a little bit higher, but they're pretty close! Sorry, I got off topic again. As I was saying, sit down, grab a drink, and the coolest pony in all of Equestria, the smooth and charming Dr. Soarin', (I added Dr. because I figure more ponies will take me seriously that way) schools you in the way of knowin' who's who in the big ol' wide world o' Equestria.
Well, if you don't know Dash, but you are smart you may have figured out from her name that she's fast and has something to do with rainbows. It's strange how somepony's names so perfectly match their cutie marks or personality even before they become obvious. I know you're going to ask, so I'll tell you, Dash's cutie mark is a rainbow lightning bolt. As some call it she has a hexachromatic mane, that means six colors in Equestrian. I prefer to say that she has a rainbow mane of supreme hotness and awesomeness. Not to mention her tail surrounding her hot, lean flank.
Some of those mean ponies - whose teeth I bucked in - say she's too skinny, got no curves to her flank and plot, but I say no. She has those lean muscles that bunch up in that perfect way whenever she's about to leap into action. Rowr. (Yeah, I just growled, she's that hot.) They're the really tight kind. Built for strength she is not. I mean I know she rescued all of us that one time, but she's not very good at carrying heavy ponies over long distances. That's okay though, I prefer those thin, light endurance type muscles to the thick, muscle pony type. The lighter the muscles the faster the Pegasi though, am I right? I am. Of course I am.
Anyway, back to Dash, as I was saying, she has the nicest fu- Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Sorry everypony, Spitfire has thought up new ways to punish me every time I swear. Something about some people getting fussety (it's a word now) over ponies swearing. I have no idea what she's talking about. Sometimes that mare says the dumbest things. Today's punishment it seems, involves hitting me with a paddle-ball ball, so that way it'll keep bouncing and hit me in the face. I can never get the ball to bounce for me, either! I'm gonna buck the flank in of the pony who made the stupid toy! It was probably an Earth pony. It suits their low intelligence levels.
Heh, heh, you know what, just pretend I didn't think that okay? Good, now that that's settled we can get back to Dash.
Anyways, so her royal hotness herself, is a blue, rainbow maned pegasus with those hot, tight muscles especially around her rear, with the most awesome cutie mark ever.
I feel a little warm just thinking about that. And the way she kisses whoo doggy, mmm, mmm, mmm. Then there's the, ohh yeah, the way she'll, (sorry breath just got caught in my throat for a second there) smile with that look that says 'violate me, Soarin'. And, mmnhoh, when she gets on top and takes control, man I almost lose it right there.
Ahem, you know what, I have something I need to *ahem* take care of. So why don't you go play somewhere else for a while and come back later, say maybe five, no make that ten minutes, that white stuff is hard to get off. Just go bug Spitfire or Fleetfoot or something.
MMMMMH, oh, oh, OH! Snerk, ohehehehhe, that's - oh, ah, ah, AHHHHHHHHHHH!
Squick, squick, squick, mmmh, just lick that off. Sweet Celestia that's bet- Wait, why are you still here? How much of that did you just hear me think. What, you thought I was giving myself -
You are disgusting.
I'll have you know I was eating a sammich. Yes, a sammich. I enjoy my bread, mayo and veggies, so sue me! You took it the wrong way. Besides this sammich was extra special cause Fleetfoot made it for me.
Yeah, only cause your dad owns the team. And listen here, you chauvinistic, little play colt, if you ever tell me 'to get in the kitchen and make you a sammich,' again I swear I'll -
You know I think that was enough of an interjection from Fleetfoot, let's just pretend that didn't happen, okay? Sweet.
But, um, yeah, my dad does own the Wonderbolts. It's kind of a big deal, (like me) but I don't got all day so let's move on.
Time for the important part. You know who Dash is, you obviously know who I am, but you don't know what happened today. I'm sure you are wondering. Actually I know you're wondering. Yes, you in the back that means you can stop jumping up and down now. Yes, I see you, I see your hoof up. I know what you're going to ask.
'Why does today give a new meaning to the word cock-blocked?' Oh, don't look so wilted, just because I read your mind. You should be flattered!
Regardless, moving on to today. Today, I was on a date with Dash. It was a pretty standard affair. We went out flying, showing off, then walked Canterlot with our shades pulled down real low, and made everypony jealous and then headed down to Ponyville (yeah that tiny little place Dash and that apple farmer live) to see a special show put on by Vinyl Scratch in a club. (They have one, who knew.)
So yeah, we're heading to this club, right and we stop, partway there, both with the same idea. A quickie. Don't look at me like that, we made sure there weren't any foals around. So I go in to kiss Dash and... well this is where the story gets weird.
I was literally cock blocked. Yes, literally. A chicken jumped out of the bushes beside us (did I mention there were bushes beside us?) and jumped in front of me, quite purposely cutting me off from Dash.
This chicken, was, well to say the least, crazy. It actually talked! My first thought was that I was taking a bad trip, but then I remembered I stopped going to New Jershire months ago. When I realized that yes, I was seeing what I thought I was seeing, I couldn't help but wonder if Dash's unicorn friend had enchanted the chicken to talk.
Hold on to your feathers cause it gets weirder. This chicken acted like she knew Dash, and was practically hero worshipping her. Geez, you'd think a chicken would have more class than that. I will give it credit for bravery, though.
This chicken was so freaky I grabbed Dash and bolted as fast as possible away from there. I'm never going back to Ponyville with its freaky mutant chickens and stuff.
You can't really blame me though.
After all, have you ever seen a purple and orange chicken that rides a scooter?