Yet, it must be told. 
The Entire Encyclopedia
"La-La-LA-LA-LA-Listen up!" Sweet cadence of trilled musical notes poured across the field, emanating from the mellifluous mouth of the infamously loquacious orange-maned kirin, Autumn Blaze.
Eyes from across the field, belonging to hundreds of fluffy kirin, oriented toward Autumn Blaze, the wooden stage she was on, and the extraordinarily-muscled miniature-winged pegasus pony beside her.
"Excuse me and thank you for taking the time to come and hear my report; you indulge me so much you wonderful friends! I feel such emotions at seeing you all here--most smiling. I'm so overcome I could launch into song--" Autumn Blaze hesitated, noticing some knitted brows. "--but I won't overstay my welcome. Indeed, that is why I have brought an expert at terseness to deliver this most excellent report. And he's like so terse you wouldn't believe it like you wouldn't believe a fiery nirik could be in a steady relationship with a wet water elemental."
The joke fell flat. Her co-presenter knitted his brow, struggling to imagine the inverse, a dry water elemental.
"That probably didn't make sense, right, since a water elemental totally could put out nirik flames but wouldn't that injure us, right? Right? Hahahaha--I know! The joke doesn't work--that's the real joke, right? Right? Anywhoo... Even though I know about acting and the theatre, that's not something really applicable here to this encyclopedic history lesson and I don't have as much experience in public speaking--remember I annoyed all of you a lot during the vow of silence!"
Annoyed stares from the majority of the crowd; zen smiles from the minority.
"Right, right?" Autumn Blaze nodded to acknowledge the annoyance. It was a good thing, really, that her audience was expressing emotions; it gave her guidance into what they were thinking, which was a much better situation than before when allkirin had embraced a vow of silence and subsumed their emotions and she had no idea what an audience wanted. Now, she knew. They didn't want her rambling. She had expected some resistance to her rambling; so, she had sought out an expert to do some non-rambling! He'd be speaking soon, or rather not speaking quite as much as she was doing.
"Anywhoo, because I'm like totes seeking to improve, I read a public speaking manual from a Great and Powerful pony that suggested a fun joke could "break the ice." She made the air quotes. "Weird idiom. Wouldn't it be better to "ice the flame" so a frozen audience couldn't go anywhere and their fires also couldn't burn down our stage, right? Right?"
Awkward shifting in the audience.
"Anyhoof--to use the Equestrian phrase I recently learned rather than the generic..." She caught herself before rambling again. "Righty-oh--where was I--yes. Won't get my Toastpony's certificate that way either by dithering and digressing. Disappointing. Real disappointing to the other organization I corresponded with--Flam's Terrificly not-Terrible Toastponies. They provide certificates for improving public speaking, y'know, and they recently became a division of the 'world-renowned'," she non-ironically made the air quotes, "Iron Will Enterprises, an unlimited nonliability corporation. Odd minotaur words that I think mean it's really important in an expansive way; just like "world-re-nouned" is an idiom I think means they are known all around the world for their accomplishments rather than the literal meaning of being a popular part of speech." She shrugged. "Whinnyway, I digress."
Somekirin who had been over-biting their lips, barely containing boiling annoyance-anger, made their ways to the outskirts of the crowd. It, knowingly, parted for them. When angered, kirin flamed up as niriks, dangers to everything flammable--for years the village had consumed water from a stream of silence and emotional dullness, taking the desperate passive-aggressive step to ensure harmony. But here and now, one front row kirin booed, channeling not-quite-yet physically destructive rising nirik anger into a more physical peaceful obnoxious aggressive-aggressive attitude: "Get to the point!"
"Of course, okay. Whinnyway... the point... yes... Yes!" Autumn Blaze gestured grandiosely. "Here: Bulk Biceps, an authentic Equestrian, has been hired, compensated by our generously provided national cultural-diplomatic-welcoming funding, to guide us through our beloved neighbor Equestria's history to best prepare our kirin society for re-entry into the world, providing a brief, yet encyclopedic overview of a comprehensive history of Equestria!" She paused for laughter. Hearing none, she continued, though without adjusting her prepared remarks for the unexpected silence. "I know--it's like an oxymoron!"
Autumn Blaze paused again for laughter. Despite nothing heard, she continued, a wide stage-smile still stretched across her face. She was used to tough crowds. Her spirit hadn't been broken during the years she spent as the only talking emotion-filled kirin pouring out herself and her joy into the soul-sucking neutrally-depressive sadhoof community that the kirin had become. A little withholding now would not shatter her! And she had learned much from her mistakes!
"I would have gathered lore and delivered the speech myself but I realize some of my very good friends here--" she gestured to the loudmouth heckler who was decidedly NOT a friend of hers, but the illustration would serve, and continued her hedging, implementing some verbal tricks picked up from her tender pony friend, Fluttershy. "--experience just the teensy-weensiest bit of annoyance when I speak too much and then you 'blow your tops'"-- air quotes again-- "when it takes me a bit longer than it really should to get to the point and due to all the unnecessary diversionary detours I descend down with my statements--ha-HA-ha--HA-HA-HA! I have anticipated your objections and tracked down a singularly succinct Equestrian to help guide us parsimoniously through Equestria's history. I will limit myself to asking prompts, while he will answer, revealing ancient and historical information."
A wave of sighs of relief passed through the kirin audience as Autumn Blaze wrapped up her introduction.
"Hay, Bulk Biceps, can you introduce yourself for all the wondering kirin in the grove?"
Her expert, Bulk Biceps, veins bursting out of his body, interposed his powerful white pegasus stallion form between the audience and Autumn Blaze. He glanced back at her, then he took a deep breath and turned to the audience to speak in a powerful voice, audible for everypony in the grove--even those who had stalked off peeved from Autumn Blaze's ramblings and who were now heading to their homes.
"Although, darn it. I already revealed your name. What a chatty kirin am I! Removed the mystery, right. Right?"
Bulk Biceps coughed, uncontrollably, as he swallowed his speech to avoid speaking over Autumn Blaze.
"You all right there, friend?" Autumn Blaze tilted her head.
He recovered enough. "YEAA- *COUGH* -AAAH. BULK *COUGH* BICEPS IS *COUGH* FEELING SEVENTY FIVE PERCENT."
"Excellent!" Autumn Blaze clopped her hooves. "Twenty percent better than necessary! Everykirin, please contribute a round of kirplause(def: Applause by Kirins) to welcome this expert on pony history!"
Polite clip-clopping resounded; the volume of kirin overcoming acoustical limitations of the surrounding foliage. After clopping, Autumn Blaze retrieved a stack of index card notes from behind the stage curtain where she had prepared them, and she shuffled through the papers.
"Let us start our encyclopedic introduction to Equestria with--oh, dear; notes are out of alphabetical order--" She fumbled through the cards.
Bulk Biceps looked to Autumn, then to the expectant crowd. He had heard the kirin sometimes burst into flame when upset. Normally gentle kirin, when distressed, became vindictive flame-filled niriks. And a number of kirin in the crowd were frowning. Those risks were rather distant from the stage, but Bulk Biceps didn't want to burn to death or expire from smoke inhalation upon receiving a poor review. And even if the stakes were not quite that dire, he wanted to give a good impression of Equestria. A lot was riding on his bulging muscles. Too much, in fact.
Twilight Sparkle had, after hearing Bulk Biceps was selected by Autumn Blaze to give the rundown, raised a very speculative eyebrow and suggested that she accompany them. She'd also asked Bulk about his occupation as a coach.
"You're a strength training coach, correct?"
"YEAH!" Bulk had answered. Confidence was a mask he could wear by speaking resolutely, even if in his soul he was terrified of the alicorn princess's disapproval.
"And you're delivering a speech as an history expert...." Twilight's voice trailed off.
"YEAH!" That was true.
"How are you qualified?"
A pause, into which Autumn interjected. "Isn't any pony more qualified to lead a lesson about pony history than a kirin?"
Bulk Biceps had paused. He wasn't sure that merited a "yeah."
Twilight hummed. "Any kirin who read a properly footnoted encyclopedia or history book might have a chance--"
But then the friendship map called Twilight and her friends to deal with an Equestria-threatening friendship problem. Twilight had hastily backtracked and let Bulk know she respected how he had thrown himself into study and practice to gain his bulging muscles. So, she had every confidence that he must have already thrown himself into *deep and dedicated* study about pony history so he would be a wonderful resource for the kirin.
However, Twilight had also taken Autumn aside and asked, in a whisper Bulk still heard, if she'd be interested in postponing the lecture, since additional experts could help and the all-ponies-on-deck friendship problem couldn't take too long.
Autumn had objected. "No, no, no, no, no." She raised a hoof. "We need everykirin oriented before manybeasts visit so we'll be culturally informed and welcoming. Rain Shine insisted!" Rain Shine was the kirins' leader, as Bulk Biceps understood.
Bulk Biceps had felt some confidence returning after Twilight's somewhat-encouraging change of phrasing and Autumn's confidence, but that developing pride was shattered when Twilight's dramatic friend Pinkie Pie appeared out of nowhere, looming over his right ear, warning him with a shout, "DOOM! BEWARE! Don't bring DOOM down upon all ponykind!" Then she tangled her forehooves into a weird hoofsign.
Bulk Biceps backed into a corner and blinked shut his eyes. Sometime later, Pinkie Pie tapped him on the shoulder and he cautiously peeked to see her offering him a "congratulations on your amazing diplomatic appointment; we have faith in you; don't mess up" cupcake. It tasted like sugary success. And honey.
Soon enough, Twilight, Pinkie and their friends had left, boldly adventuring to address a sinister situation involving deep deer, water elementals and the fate of Equestria.
Outside of workouts, Bulk Biceps' best talent was at breaking things; busting clouds, walls, properly-massaged backs, weakly-constructed beds; it certainly wasn't scholarship. But Autumn Blaze's endearing kindness and breezy nature had convinced him he could help. She'd approached him, and after introductions had been completed:
"I've heard... Oh, I've heard that you're an expert?"
"YEAAAAHH!" Bulk Biceps set aside the hefty barbell he had been bench-pressing and sat up. He wiped some sweat from his forehead. Before him stood a beautiful fall-colored creature with a stunningly fluffy mane and darling orange eyes.
"Very good; excellent; amazing!" She furiously clopped her hooves. "In that case, I would like to, on behalf of the Sovereign Empire of Kirinia, possibly hire you as an expert. Like, you know, if things work out in this interview!"
"GOOD!" Bulk needed the income. His medical bills were expensive. His tip-top physique kept him in the air despite his under-sized wings, but there were always medical issues that needed monitoring given his extremely unique physical situation. And of course there was that pending lawsuit at the spa related to an extraordinarily deep tissue massage he performed on a haughty Princess-Tour package tourist from Canterlot who had wanted to experience what Ponyville--the ascension town of Equestria's Princess of Friendship--had to offer. The tourist had, despite spoken warnings, not understood what was involved in the massage and had injured himself trying to escape from the massage table before Bulk realized the light gray stallion was backing out.
"WHAT'S THE JOB?"
"Education!"
"ON WHAT?"
"We need a parsimonious pony who can propound on past events."
Bulk blinked.
"We need an expert to teach allkirins about pony history."
"THAT'S... NOT MY EXPERTISE."
"...But you are an expert about something; are you not?" She didn't give him an opportunity to reply. "And you're parsimonious. Like, you've said less than like fifteen words."
"Yeah." Nopony could deny that.
"That said, however, it is perhaps best to first provide some sample historical details you may propound concerning Equestria. I've had some, like, unexpected answers, y'know." She tossed her head, her mane rippling with the motion.
"I KNOW THE FAMOUS STORIES." Their general contours, at least.
"Very good! Such as..."
"...HEARTH'S WARMING EVE."
"Oooh, I've heard of that--something to do with muffins and pudding."
"...LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP."
Autumn Blaze licked her lips. "Even yummier than pudding and muffins. Probably. I'm not sure what pudding is. Ms. Derpy Hooves only told me about the wonders of muffins. And a wonderful world it was. In Kirinia, we have something similar to those fluffy creations. Our Moon Cakes are tougher and involve baking bean paste and dried durian and yams into the goods--oh, I'm rambling. Apologies."
Bulk had nodded. "FINE!"
"But yes, you were saying, Hearth's Warming Eve is a time to celebrate love and friendship. But why?"
"THREE TRIBES OF PONIES: EARTH. PEGASI. UNICORNS. THEY FOUGHT AND THEIR STRIFE BROUGHT THE COLD WINDIGOS, WHICH COVERED THE LAND IN FROST AND SNOW. BUT THE PONIES' LEADERS' LIEUTENANTS MADE PEACE AMONG EACH OTHER, AND FRIENDSHIP. AND THE PONIES DROVE OUT THE COLD AND UNITED INTO EQUESTRIA!"
"An excellent explanation! Much clearer than the stories other candidates told me about freezing rocks or the one about dying trees that took two hours! I suppose, though, that I learned a lot about dead wood and the importance of warming roots!"
"OTHERS?" Bulk asked.
"Yes. Yes. I asked around who might be a good, parsimoniously-phrased pony to deliver a speech. Otherponies suggested a few names--Roctorate-holding professor Maud Pie, her special somepony named 'Technically Mudbriar', and others. I also spoke with a one Ms. Derpy Hooves, a two DJ Pon Three and three" she put down one cloven hoof and raised the other to wiggle half of it, illustrating a third numerical point "others. But you, dear Bulk Biceps, you are the most on-point of allponies. You didn't digress into your expertise or dither or divide. I and allkirin have much to learn from your wisdom! Your knowledge! Your acuity!"
Bulk Biceps could have discussed the importance of working out, but he believed very strongly in just answering each question asked. One who spoke little and who made no assumptions was less likely to say say something stupid.
And, soon after, he let himself be hired by the charismatic kirin, even though an historical lecture was far beyond his workout-centric expertise.
Beaming and flattered to have been chosen over so many other ponies, Bulk Biceps watched Autumn Blaze shuffle and drop card after card of her misplaced notes--endearing mistakes, but perhaps not so endearing right now. ... Their audience was drifting.
It was time to do something! Contribute his bit! Although Autumn Blaze had more public speaking experience than him, her words wound everywhere. To Bulk, public speaking should be like a workout--hit hard and fast; leave one's audience flattened and awed. That was how coaches like him spoke and speaking like that to Autumn Blaze had gotten him hired. It made sense: the loudest and most succinct got their points across the best--confidence was important. So, Bulk Biceps puffed out his chest and started with the easy part of his prepared remarks; he even had this speech down rote.
E For Equestria
"E- FOR EQUESTRIAAAAAA!" Bulk Biceps jumped to accentuate the entry; his landing shook the stage. Then he flexed--judicious, punctuated, movement captured attention. "THAT'S WHERE THIS STARTS. SOUTH OF THE CRYSTAL EMPIRE. ENCIRCLING DIAMOND DOG AND BUFFALO TERRITORY, RANGING SOUTH TO THE END OF THE CONTINENT."
The kirin stopped shuffling, but they didn't look impressed.
Autumn Blaze flapped an index card. "Oh my. My. My. My. My notes are out of alphabetical order but yes, we should just go ahead--" she looked down at the one she had in front of her. "W-"
W for Windigos
Bulk summarized: "WEIGHTS UP!"
The kirin frowned. No weights were on the stage. Or in their grove.
"Heh-heh. That's just what he says when he's starting a workout--verbal or otherwise." Autumn Blaze chuckled and dropped some cards.
"W-Windi-comes; cold; UNHAPPY; then friendship windi-goes!"
"Yes, yes, the windigos." Autumn Blaze nodded.
Bulk continued: "PREHISTORICAL! OOOHHH YEAH! Means ponies don't got things writ contemporaneously in books. Oral tradition--WORD!"
Autumn Blaze added: "Manybeasts that now write used to primarily focus on oral traditions. They even have versions of our plays, like Meander Tempest's winding works and Adiabatic Sophistry's famous dramas!" Autumn Blaze said. "But we don't know for sure that's precisely what they wrote since there are like five different versions of each tale passed down among different cultures. Like, really. Griffins even have a take on Meander's work, although *they* claim a griffin named Ghomer wrote it and its hero is a grumpy *griffin* who kept getting lost over ten years trying to fly home rather than the far more psychologically-rich tale of a kirin *sailing* home whilestruggling to keep her emotions in check lest she burn her wooden boat to ash, but you know--"
Some in the crowd were chatting now, talking over Autumn Blaze's ramblings about history that seemed to have little to do with Equestria.
"ALL RIGHT!" Bulk knew what to do. He had trained under many coaches and when attention wandered, one needed to reassert authority with volume." He wrapped up the lesson unit. "WINDIGOS. PONY DISHARMONY--ANGER--LED TO COLD. ETERNAL COLD."
"That's not right!" A kirin--the same critic as before--complained. "Anger leads to flame. The world almost ended due to the Windigos' eternal flame of hatred!"
Several kirin on the outskirts flared up and, as discretely as they could, detached themselves from the crowd.
"It's just an old Equestrian story." Autumn Blaze batted a hoof, trying to cut off disaster. "Heh-heh...No need to finish it. How about this different note--" Autumn Blaze whipped out another note card. "A- Armageddon-"
A for Armageddon
Bulk Biceps didn't miss a beat. In training, you did what your coach ordered and Autumn Blaze was like a coach, though she was paying him to coach kirin rather than he paying her to coach him to coach kirin--coachception there. He shook the idea out of his head. "Glimmer, Starlight ALMOST CAUSED ARMAGEDDON. YEAH! DEEP IMPACT ON PONIES' HEALTH, NOT EVEN SPACE FOR COWPONIES TO REPEL THE END OF THE WORLD UNDER EACH SITUATION. THERE WOULD HAVE BEEN NO DAYS AFTER TOMORROW! OMEGA-PONIES: ENDING THINGS."
Autumn Blaze, in an attempt to win back the crowd, fell back on her core strength of acting. She mimed what Bulk was talking about, presenting a huge explosion with her hooves to demonstrate armageddon, then bucked a stage wall to demonstrate the actions of cowponies. She put a hole through the wood and her hooves stuck. A cheer came from the audience--a cheer! Autumn Blaze nearly flared up.
"So much for the interpretive dance." The kirin who had challenged the ponies' windigo history guffawed.
But Autumn's embarrassment was short. Bulk Biceps pulled her out--no problem.
"YEAAAAHHH!" Bulk posed after rescuing Autumn, popping his muscles.
"Okay, okay." Autumn Blaze continued. "How about another card? S-Starswirl!"
S for Starswirl
"STARSWIRL THE BEARDED PONY CASTED MAGIC AND TRAINED CELESTIA AND LUNA, THE PRINCESSES WHO RULE EQUESTRIA."
Kirin snorted and Autumn Blaze noticed the audience had dwindled still more.
Ever faster, ever briefer, they sped through index card after index card, but the crowd was losing interest and Autumn feared she may not successfully introduce Equestrian history to allkirins, who would lack a frame of reference to relate to their neighbors. And without a proper frame of reference, then they would suffer many more flareups arising out of ignorance of pony quirks!
Autumn *had* considered an alternative to this lecture: bringing books for everykirin to read. Twilight offered (insisted, really) but Autumn retorted that Equestrian books simply weren't durable enough. Twilight offered to cast an anti-flame spell but that wasn't the only problem. The humid climate and pervasive paperbeetles would have pockmarked anything paper-based and items could only have so many repulsive spells: flame, dampness, insect. As a result, kirin literature was primarily written on stones; or told in stories. Regrettably, although some kirin literature had been written, much oral tradition had been lost during their self-imposed time of silence.
The loudmouth kirin in the front row laughed at Bulk Biceps' latest explanation. Not a friendly laugh, a cutting, nasty one. At least the kirin wasn't flaming in anger. "Tell us something we don't know! Give us details!"
"Details?" Autumn Blaze was surprised. "You had hated my extrapolations. ... This is hard." She bit her lower lip.
"BULK BICEPS MEMORIZED THE BASICS... GAVE YOU THE BICEPS NOTES! GOOD TO PASS TESTS!" Bulk Biceps explained. Sweat formed on his forehead. He hadn't just provided brief explanations because that was why he was hired; he'd spoken briefly because that was how he saw things--simply. History broke down like workouts. One repetition, two, three, four, five, and by dinnertime you'd be at five-hundred-and-forty-seven reps and ready to report for duty at the spa to perform deep tissue massages raising money for medical expenses or next weekend's workout session with the megastar model minotaur million-bit-bodied beast named Iron Will.
"Why didn't you bring us somebeast a bit more knowledgeable?" The critic continued. "Couldn't find anyone better?"
"I... I could have found another." Autumn Blaze blinked and looked over at Bulk Biceps, who was sweating. "But Bulk Biceps is really parsimonious and that was important. Equestria has a lot of history and he could focus on the most important bits."
"Maybe some less... dumb ponies could have lectured?"
"That's--that's sort of rude." Autumn Blaze blushed and bit her lower lip.
Bulk Biceps saw her face growing red. She was angry. For him. But he was used to being criticized. He had gotten used to speaking in short sentences because he didn't want to say something wrong. Everypony already had heckled him for his small wings, then for his freakishly-huge muscles he developed to power his flight. He hadn't wanted to add saying something stupid to the list of targets ponies used to critique him, but he'd risked speaking here since Autumn needed his expertise in terseness. He wouldn't give up. And anyway, he was also standing on a wooden stage adjacent to a kirin about to blow her kind demeanor into flame in a misguided attempt to defend him--not going to happen. Defense could turn into pity, if not properly directed, and he didn't want that. He'd already gotten a lifetime of pity for his miniature wings from his parents, his aunts and uncles, his teachers--there had been more than enough of that. In reaction, he had worked out and prepared so nocreature would ever feel it necessary to defend him!
"YOU'RE RIGHT!" Bulk Biceps shouted. "I'M SIMPLE. EASY WORDS SOUND DUMB."
Autumn Blaze looked flabbergasted at Bulk Biceps. "Bulk--you don't need to demean yourself." She whipped her head back to glare at the loudmouth. "Being friendly doesn't mean being a doormat!"
"NO!" Bulk interrupted again. She was too kind. "I BEST BE TRUTHFUL. I TRIED MY BEST BUT MORE DETAIL IS DESIRED."
The loudmouth laughed. "You're all right pony. I'm not mad at you, despite our forced investment in your appearance. Do you do refunds? Whatever. But Blazey--you said you'd bring an expert. Why'd you come back with HIM? How can we trust you as our ambassador if you can't even make *educated* judgments?"
Autumn Blaze arched her back, raised her head, and started to speak. "YOU want to know about what I went through to find this worthy pony! YOU want to know what the options were and how much I suffered to find somebeast who wouldn't waste your time--somebeast who would be the inverse of my chattiness. Your requests very much were taken into hoof and I HATE that you criticize me and my friend so much for what we sweated to provide--". Flames licked above her forehead.
But Bulk Biceps was at her side. "WEIGHTS DOWN!"
"What?"
"RELAX! BREATHE! ONE! TWO! THREE!"
She found herself compelled to breathe. In and out. In and out. And out the flames went. She blinked. Why was she mad?
Bulk Biceps kept coaching. "BREAK IT DOWN INTO SIMPLE WORDS. RESPOND IN KIND... KINDLY." Gentleness suited her harvest-colored disposition better than her incipent blazing rage.
Autumn Blaze looked at him with a smile. "You're so...kind."
"Bulk Biceps is used to PONIES CRITICIZING HIM." For looking weird, for not being able to fly. Then when he got strong and large... for looking weird (still a problem), for saying dumb things, for breaking furniture. "The key in responding is to NOT LET BADNESS BOTHER YOU. And if it does, you EXPLAIN STRUGGLES YOU WENT THROUGH! CONFIDENTLY! BRIEFLY! DON'T GET DISTRACTED! SEEK UNDERSTANDING!"
Autumn Blaze bobbed her head. "Very well. ... Very well. I'll try it your way."
She took a deep breath, then exhaled and started her explanation: "I considered hiring other terse ponies, but they really weren't all that succinct. One pony with a Rocktorate named Maud Pie who is rather renowned for speaking economically, gave extensive extrapolations of the billions of years of geological history that were anything but a brief history of Equestrian time--they were even longer than that griffin Geeven Hawkwing's physical history of the cosmic jokes of the universe! And that's saying something."
"Then there was her special somepony, Technically Mudbriar. Everyone said he technically spoke less than her but you wouldn't have guessed it from the conversation we had. He propounded on millions of years of history focused on sticks and wood, fossilized, amber-ensconsed, and otherwise. While the period of time was briefer than the billions of years of geological history that Rctr. Maud Pie had imparted to me, the details were extensive and still accounted for far too much."
"Next, I talked to DJ-PON3 but she answered me only in sign-clop language, which we really should have learned, by the way, when our village was under the vow of silence. It would have made a lot so much easier--I mean wasn't it frustrating figuring out what somekirin wanted just by pointing and scratching in the sand? Anywhoo--I was going to bring her with an interpreter, but then, with the clop-stomp interpreter's help, I realized that DJ-PON3 just totally would not shut up about the history of music--electronic music actually traces its way back to the vibrational buzzing of ancient insects, moving leg over leg in a clicking motion, didja know? And the song of a sparrow, the drumming of a mudbug, et. cetera, et. cetera, right, Right?" Autumn Blaze grinned wide.
"I backed out carefully and ran into a mailpony, Derpy. She's not a malepony but a mailpony who delivers the mail, right, Right?" Silence at the "joke".(Which was surprising since the kirin didn't know the popular pony-term was "mailmare", so the joke should have worked).
"Anywhoo--Derpy had a lot to say about muffins, and wow, I never knew there was so much I hadn't learned about the Ancient Equestrian leader Chancellor Puddinghead's sire, Muffinchef, or his five-hundred and thirty six recipes for sourdough muffins, to say nothing of his seven-hundred and thirty five variations involving Mount Fujiapples, and his perhaps infinite epistrophic variations on a theme that he called 'jazz muffins', involving a wide variety of related flavours."
"So, basically, you know, like, Equestrian history begins sometime after Rctr. Maud Pie and Technically Mudbriar's endless geological and wooden pasts and the creation of insects and animals and windigos and muffins. Then there's some goat called Grogar who rules everything and creates monsters like the manticore and other things to menace the world. But some pony named Gusty did some things and put down Grogar with the help of a hundred niriks." The audience was shocked. They should have heard about this before.
"I know, right! I mean, my conclusion about nirik involvement was extrapolation from the fire and brimstone that Maud told me in a digression that was used when the prison Tartarus was set up but that *could not* be determined to have originated from predictable geological processes! Its source had to be niriks! Niriks who vowed never to speak of it again so nobeast could find that terrible place. Only, the ponies remembered how they got the goat.
"Then, I also realized that kirins are one of the firstbeasts to reside in the jungles--Technically Mudbriar knew about us and talked at length about our relationship with trees--getting along like "fire and water" is the pony expression like our "fire and wood"--weird situation. I know, right, Right?.
"And DJ-PON3, not her real name by the way, but I use it since it's more famous, had mentioned the first beasts who created music and that included us--the crackling sound of flames growing and receding, burning fuel to cook prehistoric muffins. And who else in the prehistoric age but niriks could easily do that, right?" Autumn Blaze took a deep breath, then shuddered and turned into a flaming nirik.
"Don't worry, never fear. Everykirin, this is for demonstration purposes!" She switched back to a kirin, not noticing that a far back corner of the stage had caught fire.
Immediate nirik-danger passed, the crowd chattered lightly and nodded in agreement at Autumn Blaze's tale, cobbled from others' historical digressions. She continued her speech.
"Anywhoo, as we know from our own tales, ponies got tired of occasional incinerations and we decided we were better off living in isolation. But what we didn't know is that without us to warm things up, the ponies got cold and threatened by the windigos while we were warm and safe atop this volcano." She gestured to her surroundings. "This led to the H-Hearth's Warming Eve event where ponies overcame animosity and vanity and worked together to build the warmth of friendship since they lacked the warmth of passion that we possess--"
An approving murmur spread through the crowd.
"YEAH!" Bulk Biceps supported the crowd's approval. Then he smelled smoke, sniffed, and followed the scent. There was a flame--small, but growing upstage, behind Autumn Blaze. Maybe it started when she flamed into a nirik? That was a more calming hypothesis than the other--that a disgruntled listener had caused it. Downstage, near the audience, Autumn was glowing--in a safe way, he hoped. Meanwhile, Bulk remembered seeing buckets of water backstage, and some bubbly foam Autumn had prepared in case of emergencies. He could remove the threatening flame without raising alarm.
He grabbed the buckets in his forelegs and the foam canister in his mouth and tiptoed on his hind legs behind Autumn. Autumn saw him tiptoeing and laughed. "Thank you, Bulk Biceps! You and your white coat illustrate the windigo situation quite well! Allponies were cold, carrying with them hearts frozen with resentment like that of ice, represented by your water no doubt, and the bubbly-foam snow-canister, suppressing their fiery friendship passion! But then, twisted together in the cavern, the ponies who were subordinates of the leaders of the pony tribes became friends, subsequently warming their frozen supervisors with the passion of their friendship, a friendship which carried further until it warmed the world."
Autumn grabbed one of Bulk's forelegs. His grip slipped on his bucket as she she spun him around in a twirl. Liquid splashed onto the ground, but he managed to stumble behind the curtains, to the rear of the stage.
The crowd applauded! But why? What was different? Autumn was lecturing to them again--which she knew from experience was not enjoyed. Maybe the topic, promoting kirin, had been endearing--though the details she had cited were mere speculation. Yet what was history but a made-up-story told by whoever seemed full enough of authority to be worth listening to! Alas, though, such a questionably-correct tale would lead to misunderstandings when otherkirin interacted with ponies who held stronger-supported beliefs, so that was not the right solution. It may not even have been what motivated the audience.
Maybe instead..., Autumn thought. She loved the theatre. Success here could potentially be obtained by creating a similar feeling of theatrical enjoyment. ...
Bulk Biceps, steadying himself, continued to the back of the stage and covered the flames with foam and water before they became an inferno.
"I have an idea!" Autumn announced. "Will anykirin join us on stage?"
Murmurs.
"Don't be shy. We can live the history!"
Buckets now empty, and the fire extinguished, Bulk Biceps stumbled back across the stage. When he passed her, Autumn Blaze twirled him around again.
"Next was D-Discordant Empire- the empire of Discord, Lord of Chaos, who befuddled and bedazzled minds, leaving them dizzy with confusion," Autumn said, remembering her briefing from Bulk on their journey to the kirin's lands.
Bulk Biceps stumbled downstage toward the lip of the stage apron after all the twisting. Rising on their hindquarters, a couple of helpful kirin pushed him back with their forelegs, and his wobbling ended.
"And they were only saved by--" Autumn noticed the kirin supporting Bulk "That's right! Friends!" She gestured to them. "Ponies only survived by supporting each other during those harsh and confusing times, which thankfully did not come to our kirin lands for some reason obscured from our oral histories."
"Or was that really next?" Autumn Blaze hesitated, looking over to her expert, who was blinking off his dizziness. As an oft-weather-tossed pegasus, he wouldn't be disoriented for long, despite the unexpected spin. Soon enough, Bulk Biceps snorted.
"YEAH." The word of his training mantra, which he had used for years to focus on best bulking up his muscles, re-centered him. "NOT REALLY. BEFORE DISCORD'S RULE, THERE WERE THE P-PILLARS OF EQUESTRIA."
"Pillars? I thought this was about ponies?" The front-row heckler snorted. "Can't even get your events straight?"
"YEAH! PONIES! RIGHT! THE PILLARS WERE GREAT PONIES WHOSE STRENGTH SUPPORTED EQUESTRIA!" Bulk Biceps continued.
"And we need volunteer kirin to portray them to give life to our words!" Autumn Blaze grinned. "C'mon all you thespians! Let's make some theatre!"
One of the kirins who had helped Bulk Biceps tugged on her more-timid friend's forelegs, leading her to the stage.
Bulk Biceps considered Autumn Blaze, then he saw the laughing kirin who had been one of the two who caught him at the edge of the stage. But that kirin's friend didn't seem as excited. Maybe he could motivate her and others the same way he was motivated to work out, using pithy phrases learned from the legendary Earth Pony bodybuilder and plumbing expert, Little John.
"YEAAAAHHH! LETS ACT!"
The crowd provided some scattered cheers.
"OOHHHH-KAAAAYY!"
The more-enthusiastic kirin who had saved Bulk Biceps pulled with a burst of energy, dragging her friend up onto the stage.
"ALL MY THESPIANS IN THE HOUSE!"
The enthusiastic kirin hugged her friend and got into the spirit, shouting: "WOO! Thespianism! WOO!"
At last, the reluctant friend cracked a smile, though she shot a look back where she had been standing.
Autumn suspected what the kirin must be thinking. Her space was... probably secure. If acting did not work out, she would still have a front row position. Kirin were too polite to swipe a standing place or a seat after a momentary departure--but would she even want to hang around after embarrassing herself on stage? Oh well, a problem for her, not for Autumn. Autumn's problem was solving itself as her first actors arrived stage center.
Bulk Biceps jumped, then descended like a pile of weights. "ALL RIGHT! TIME TO THESPIAN IT UP IN HERE." The flame-weakened stage vibrated.
"Right, right!" Autumn Blaze nodded, bobbing along with the stage's rippling Bulk Biceps-ed wood.
"Boo!" The heckling kirin chuckled.
More-pleased kirin around him sidled away, leaving space. If Autumn Blaze didn't do something soon, her momentary success at luring some kirin to the stage could rapidly turn into a flaming defeat. Her eyes narrowed. "You. Come up here."
The heckler sneered.
"C'MON AND WORK IT OUT! NYEAH NEYAH NEYAH! SHOW 'EM WHAT YOU GOT!"
"There is a good role for you." Autumn Blaze slapped her notecards. "I heard about it from Apple Bloom. She's a Cutie Mark Crusader, and although I could explain what that is, it may be best to portray pony events rather than inform. Anywhoo--oops--Anyhoof, she was telling me pony ghost stories, which apparently have historical foundations and--"
The heckler cut Autumn Blaze off. "Or maybe the role's going to make me blow my top?"
Autumn Blaze met his eyes. "It's worth a risk."
"YEAAAH!" Bulk Biceps shouted.
Head held high, the heckler trotted up stairs at the side of the stage. "I won't look any more ridiculous than that pony, at least," he mumbled.
"Orient him, Bulk Biceps, please." Autumn Blaze, who had not heard the heckler's mumbled words, continued reading: "S-Stygian."
"PONY OF SHADOWS--HATED BY HISTORY--"
"What?" The kirin glared, horns glowing red. "You're shaming me?"
Quickly, Bulk Biceps continued. "BUT HE WAS REALLY A MUSE. STYGIAN BROUGHT THE PILLARS TOGETHER THROUGH ASKING POINTED QUESTIONS, SEEING WEAKNESS AND REFINING STRENGTHS."
"I suppose that's honorable. Relatable, at least." The kirin's red glow receded. "What do I do now? Walk around asking questions? Sneering at everykirin?"
Autumn Blaze made a signal to the critic to wait, and she spoke to her expert. "Bulk--please! How about these two adorable ladies who helped you; they could fulfill the pillars' roles?"
"YEAH." Bulk bobbed his head, smiling at the kirins who had saved him from plummeting to the ground. "...MAGE MEADOWBROOK AND MISTMANE."
"What do we do?" 'Meadowbrook' asked, twisting her head around, facing away from the audience.
"First. Face the audience." Autumn Blaze instructed. And the audience was paying close attention.
"Oh." 'Meadowbrook' turned around.
"BUT WAIT!" Bulk Biceps added. Autumn looked at him, surprised, and he continued. "STYGIAN'S ENEMIES ARE NEEDED FIRST--THE SIRENS."
"Ah yes, you are the expert on the proper sequence... Perhaps these ladies can play two roles, villains and heroes?"
"YEAAAAH!"
Bulk Biceps got the kirin prepared to play the roles of sirens, Stygian's hated enemies who had enslaved his pony village with their song. Then, he turned to the heckler-kirin.
"STYGIAN! YOU'RE STUDYING BOOKS AND CRITIQUING THEM."
The critic laughed. "Pony Books--ephemeral things wont to break apart at the first spark of a flame, or desiccate 'mid humid rain, for shame, for shame." Although it was unclear if he was acting or expressing his actual thoughts, it still worked.
And, with Bulk Biceps' guidance, they embodied the story of Stygian's recruitment of the Pillars of Equestria. First, with his struggles against vicious singing Sirens who had enslaved his village. Then, his journey to the strong pony Rockhoof--played by another volunteer. Next, they traveled to the swamps to find Mage Meadowbrook.
Throughout the scenes, Bulk Biceps briefed the actors, then hyped them and the crowd.
Congratulating a well-embodied storyline, "YEAH!"
Guiding an actor: "DIG-ROCKHOOF-DIG!"
During a particularly strange scene: "WHAAAAT?"
Once the moral was revealed: "OHHH-KAAAYYY."
And lots of "YUUUPP!"
And in concert with almost the entire kirin village, they performed pony history. It took twelve hours. The stage (parts of it) burned twice, once by accident during a passionate scene taken too far, and once when somekirin's character was banished to the moon and the actor discovered she would need to sit out for a while. They resolved the situation by finding another role for her to play. Even the critic had become enthralled with his role, and after his character's banishment--ponies seemed to do a lot of banishing--he asked to embody another part.
As the performance wrapped, Autumn Blaze smiled, a true-smile, not just a stage one. Sweat glistened from her brow and she, portraying a pony called "Fluttershy", danced with Discord, portrayed by a handsome full-maned kirin with winning eyes. She panted and parted from him, waving an alluring hoof.
"And with this scene resolved, we must take our bow." She looked up. The moon had risen and moved far across the sky while the demonstration had moved on.
Kirin who descended from the stage chatted about the absurdities and amazingness of pony history.
"Unbelievable that they befriended the Lord of Chaos itself!" One, who had just learned about Discord's existence and had been convinced it was important enough to be impressive, breathlessly commented.(Note: It IS remarkable that such a powerful creature as the God of Chaos was unknown in kirin lands, but perhaps his demesne is specially tied to the lands of little ponies... or perhaps all records concerning him fell apart and sank into a bog, were dug up, then burned down and fell into a bog, and/or were forgotten.)
"Ponies have such great powers." Another added.
The history had certainly been good propaganda, Autumn noted. She would need to work on compiling a similar work for the kirin to present to ponies, to demonstrate that they too had a rich and powerful history. And it should be a play, rather than a physical encyclopedia. Being an active participant in the learning could be better than being merely a participant in the listening.
Maybe everykirin might innately have tendencies toward being active learners. It would certainly explain why during the vow of silence her people had, even without sign-clop language, still been able to pass on ideas so successfully--she had missed much of that since she had been early-cured of the vow and had been living her best hermit life in exile... but she didn't want to dwell on that too much. Instead, she wanted to focus on her success in orally presenting an entire encyclopedia on the comprehensive history of Equestria!
"Bulk Biceps, my dear." Autumn Blaze threw a foreleg around Bulk's massive form. "This was a triumph--huge success. It's hard to overstate my satisfaction! We should have cake!"
"YEAAAAHHH!!!" Bulk projected.
Amazing. Still such strength of voice after twelve hours. His muscles weren't the only thing his training had developed.
"Bulk Biceps... you inspired me to act... and you humbly guided the show... you didn't digress, propound, steal the scene--you did what you had to do to move things along. So excellent!" Autumn hugged Bulk Biceps close. His sturdy body was not unlike that of the last kirin she had danced with--mane excluded. Powerful. Warm. Sweaty. Fragrant. She blinked. She was really tired. She wanted to say more to Bulk, but her voice was parched. So instead of expounding at length, of stringing words upon words, she smiled, hugged her expert, then broke away, nodding to him.
Bulk nodded back. He'd done his job.
And then, Autumn was blushing deep red and shielding her face from him, and they retired to her lodgings, scarfing down some underground-stored cavern-preserved moon cakes. Then, she was tumbling to a flame-resistant woven floor carpet and Bulk was flopping on her bed, which creaked under his weight but which Autumn insisted must be his since she was a proper host.
After stumbling to their sleep, they slept for the subsequent twelve hours, neither noticing when Equestrian history fan after fan shuffled to, then rapped politely at the door, seeking to learn more and to participate in another encyclopedic acting extravaganza. Nor did the two immediately notice when the bed collapsed.