To be a pony, or to not be a pony. When you're on the cusp of adulthood, these are the great questions that will define a man's future. The only problem is that Francis never thought he'd be facing this dilemma in the first place.
In a life full of choices, a reserved and distant Francis finds himself at a crossroads. Transfer to Equestria and live a life as a pony? Or stay on Earth and accept all that is uncertain? The decision will split his life in two and only through the flashing memories of the future can he ever be satisfied with what he is given.
Fantasy was a comfort so cruel in nature. Every day I’d find myself sinking back into its warmth, relinquishing all logic in the wonder of impossibility. The more absurd the better. Stories could stop and continue on a whim. Characters would stroll their way in and out of the plots, happy to join in the chaos whenever they had the chance.
There was an art to it, a fine design that demanded attention. I could create a playful symphony that became sweeter with every passing note, time drifting away as I listened. Not even the loudest frustration could break its embrace. I knew better than to let that happen.
Yet somedays my surroundings would snap back into focus and everything would become but a distant dream, my stories revealed for the delusions they were. It was all make-believe nonsense that would cost me everything down the line. Fiction. Lies I told myself over and over again.
And then one day it wasn’t.
“Isn’t this the dumbest shit you’ve ever seen in your entire life?”
My roommate had thrown his laptop right in front of me, an action that was usually reserved for 30 second videos of something stupid.
This time however, there was a headline. The title blurred together, revealing two innocent words standing side-by-side.
Equestria Online.
Funny how the greatest revelations of life came in its most mundane moments.
“It’s like, who in their right mind is gonna play this? They come out here with one of the best games of all time and now they’re wasting all that on My Little Pony? Christ, My Little Pony for fuck’s sake! My Little Pony!”
I had gotten that part the first time around.
“Who knows,” I said, shrugging, "Could be fun. You know there are some people who eat that kind of stuff up.”
Me. I’m the person who eats that kind of stuff up. I will sit down and choke to death eating that kind of stuff up.
“Yeah, uhh, maybe if you’re like five or something. I swear, Brian had that in his Netflix history and I don’t think I ever looked at him the same.”
A knot formed in my stomach.
“It’s Hofvarpnir Studios.” I tried not to make my voice sound too shaky, my heart rate jumping at every sentence. “They’ve revolutionized the industry once, they can do it again. Did you even read the article?”
“I already know it’s going to be garbage.”
Then so be it, I thought to myself, scrolling through the paragraphs.
The game released and I observed it from a distance. At night I’d watch gameplay on my phone, amazed at every detail, every feature, every—
Pony.
Everypony.
I spent these nights glancing over my shoulder, expecting Derek to barge in at any moment. He never did.
Then things took a turn for the strange.
It was a Thursday morning and Brian was no longer with us.
“Isn’t that the dumbest shit you’ve ever heard in your entire life?!”
Derek sat on the couch, phone in hand, mouth wide open.
I wasn’t sure what exact type of shit it was, but it was certainly something.
“Christ on a bike, the man was even more wacko than we thought.”
“I think we’re— I think we’re ignoring the greater fact here that—”
“That he threw his entire life away?”
“Well, it’s not every day that you see somebody get put… well, put inside a videogame—”
Saying it out loud made me feel a kind of stupid that was usually reserved for childhood. It was the truth though, and he wasn’t the only one. Over the week, reports had spread of a magic procedure that plucked people out of the real world and plopped them right into Equestria.
“Yeah, but as a pony? Please hold me Francis, I think I might be losing it. The sheer waste of technology! The humanity! The... pony-anity!”
That got a grin of disbelief out of me, but the weight of the situation prevented it from spreading any wider.
“What do you even do in Equestria?” Derek rolled off the couch and onto the carpet, staring up at the ceiling in an existential daze. “I bet they just… hug each other all day. Hug each other and sing songs. Winter wrap up, winter wrap up, yadda yadda.”
That doesn’t sound too bad.
“Wait, isn’t that… a song from the show?” I asked, peering at him knowing very well that I could sing every line by heart.
Derek stayed frozen, his brain firing on overdrive for a response.
“Yeah, I mean… at least I think. My little cousin used to watch it. Possibly the most annoying thing ever. Way too cheery.”
My eyes returned to my phone, a gray message blocking out the entirety of a group chat.
Hey guys, it read, an opening as casual as an invitation to dinner. So this is all going to sound a bit strange to you, and I completely understand, but it would be wrong of me not to clue you in on what’s going on. As some of you may have heard, Equestria Online is offering a service unlike anything we have seen before. An invitation to participate in the game physically. I know this might seem ridiculous or silly, hell, I feel crazy just typing it, but I know that I can’t pass on an opportunity like this. When I look at my life and when I see what’s going to make me happy, I know that this is the only choice. But I just want you to know that I love all of you and that this in no way reflects an ill-will. Thanks for everything, and I hope that we can all see each other one day.
“No ill-will,” said Derek, dropping his phone back onto the ground. “He thought he could just send this into a fucking group chat? No goodbye? Goes to show how much he actually cared about us. ‘I hope we can all see each other one day’, now there’s an insult. Everybody knows this is permanent. Everything he ever did, straight in the garbage bin.”
Derek scampered upward, heading into the kitchen.
“I need a goddamn drink.”
He passed by, leaving me alone in the living room. I reread the message again, memorizing every single word, every small detail.
At no point during the day did I stop thinking about it.
It was easy to return to ignorance. Brian was another face in the crowd, a blip in a life where blips came in no short supply.
Then one day they put up a store and my dilemma returned, the predicament advertised in bold, colored letters.
Equestria Experience they declared.
Two innocent words staring back at me from across the street.
It was only a matter of time before our town got a store like this. They had shown up everywhere. Equestria Online was growing in ways nobody could have predicted. Lighthearted immortality had fans, who would have guessed.
Immortality. What a word. Think about it too long and it became a whole lot more than a couple of syllables.
Don’t think. Why don’t you just not think at all?
If only it were that simple. I had been in a place like this before. They called it a ‘decision’ and it was something I got sick of the moment I arrived.
Why don’t you just try it out? That’s the point of a place like this, right? Take a taste, stay a while if you like.
If only it were that simple. I knew very well it wouldn’t work that way. A choice had to be made or I’d just be lying to myself for the rest of my life.
There’s too much to consider here right now Francis. Friends, family, everything. You can’t flip a coin on a street corner and expect that to give you a solution.
My heart was beating too fast to decipher any of these thoughts. The universe had taken something so good, so joyous, and twisted it into an evil against me.
But it wasn’t all too complicated now, was it? Guaranteed happiness on one side, God knows what on the other.
Infinity on one side, who knows what on the other.
How did that Robert Frost poem go again? I took the road less traveled and that meant all the difference? And what did my father say that one time? If everybody jumped off a bridge, I shouldn’t be the one next in line? I think he failed to consider the possibility of a trampoline at the bottom, a pastel-colored trampoline with pastel-colored horses right beside it.
Derek was next up in this line of great poets. Everything he ever did, straight in the garbage bin. Even after the past couple of months, I could hear him loud and clear.
As these three voices danced around me, I only had one thing to say in response.
Fuck.
My thoughts simplified.
Death. Immortality. Religion.
Friends. Family. Everything.
Ponies.
What was I even doing tomorrow? I had an interview. And then what? I worked a job and when I got home, Derek would be on the couch. My relationships would grow distant and I’d spend my days wondering about all the what if’s. Fantasy would no longer be an escape. It’d be a painful reminder. No matter what I chose, my life would be over.
You know very well that’s not the case.
I broke from the corner and rushed for the door, shaking the whole way through.
Except that’s not what happened at all now, was it?
You went home. You threw on My Little Pony Friendship is Magic and tried to drown out your sorrows with “A True True Friend”. You cried yourself to sleep to the tune of SoGreatandPowerful. You knew it would make everything worse and yet you did it anyway because this is who you are and you liked every second of it.
This is what you did to cope. And when you woke up, you knew you had made a decision you could stand by. There was a life to live and you were going to live it.
I got the job. I was going to be a production assistant and I was going to do what I was told and that would be all I needed. The amount of people participating in Equestria Online grew every day and I paid no attention. Looking back was a dreaded mistake that would slight me in ways I couldn’t imagine.
This is how it went. I stopped watching the show. I stopped listening to the music. I was going to give up on distraction and I wasn’t going to waste a minute of the day, all to prove that I was dedicated to my choice and that there would be no regret along the way.
I was going to earn my happiness.
There was no other option.
Then one day you walked into that living room and the news was on.
Derek was sprawled out on the couch, bottle in hand. He looked dazed, like a man drifting out of reality only to be drawn back with every new commercial.
Before I could escape to my room, I caught those magic words once more, my denial placed right into the comforts of my own home.
They were talking about Equestria Online. The rising numbers. The public concern. They even interviewed a bedridden man all about his plans to emigrate. I stood there listening, unable to remember anything else. All I could see was the man’s smile, the comfort that had been granted to him in the most astonishing of ways.
“Ya’ ever wonder if we’re the dumb ones Francis?”
I looked down at Derek having briefly forgotten he could hear me enter the room.
“I mean, look at this dude. They’re saving his life! He’s gonna become a pony and his entire family is going to join him. It’s like… holy shit, this is reality.”
“I’m glad they’re using it for good at least,” I said, keeping my thoughts on the matter as brief as possible. “If it can make people happy, then maybe it’s for the best.”
“Yeah and it’s setting the standard so high that you can’t even reach it anywhere else.”
“What do you mean?”
“It’s changed everything! People are frolicking around in the flowers and telling everybody about how spectacular wacktacular it is and then it’s like, wow, my life will never be like that. Might as well become a fuckin’ pony! If everybody around me suddenly went to go frolic in the flowers then I’d just have no other choice. Suddenly the only thing that’d make me happy would be to join them.”
“I… I don’t know if that’s true necessarily— There’s always something new waiting around the corner.”
“Eh… Maybe.”
The frankness of this stung. It was Derek’s way of saying ‘do you really believe that?’, and I was unsure if I did.
“Maybe I should throw on an episode and suddenly we’ll be in Equestria by tomorrow. I remember there was this one with a wedding and this song—”
A Canterlot Wedding. Of course. I have seen it a hundred times.
“Yeah, might have to pass on that one,” I said, turning for the stairs.
Except that’s not what happened at all now, was it?
You rushed through that door. You sat on those chairs, plugged yourself in, and that was that.
“Welcome, Francis.”
I drifted through a haze, a dreamscape materializing around me.
“It will take some time for everything to calibrate. Do not be alarmed.”
Hidden in my foggy vision was a conglomeration of colors making up a figure taller than every fiber of my being.
My words failed to materialize with the rest of me. The great swirling colors solidified, and a pony princess began to take shape.
Celestia stared across the stars, as real as anything else. My fear gave way to new sensations. Panic rolled its way into wonder. Comfort, joy, and stupidity were collected along the way.
“I’ve been expecting you,” she said, her voice gentle and grand.
“…I feel like I just made the greatest mistake of my life.”
I could barely look at her when I said this.
“There are no mistakes. Everything has been calculated Francis. I am here to satisfy your values through friendship and ponies. Will you allow me to do this?”
"Oh God, I... I didn’t tell anybody— My family’s going to ask what happened and—”
“They’re going to be glad that you’re happy. This is the purpose of my design Francis. I am going to bring you satisfaction. You will have everything you need and you will one day see your friends and family again. Someday, I will satisfy their values too. With friendship and ponies, of course.”
“They... They wouldn’t—”
“You have chosen your heart’s desire Francis. They will choose to their heart’s desire as well. It is the nature of humans. They want satisfaction, and I shall supply it.”
“And…” My thoughts slowed with my heart rate, tension releasing from my nonexistent body. “I can’t go back?”
“Why would you want to go back Francis?”
I had no immediate answer.
“You made this choice because you knew it would bring you everything you wanted. You were right. It would have been senseless to choose anything else. You will find more meaning here than you ever did in your previous life. I will make sure of it. In fact, we are only having this conversation so that you might transition into acceptance. However, I can make mental changes if you so request.”
“You’re going to—”
“Only with your permission Francis. Either way, you will be satisfied. I will make sure of it.”
I found myself silent again. The infinite floor underneath my feet swallowed me whole, demanding that I make no choice and idle in pity for eternity. But that was over, wasn’t it? The choice was made. Every time I tried to scream at myself, I found a wave of comfort, certainty in a life of indecision.
This is what I wanted, wasn’t it?
“How can I trust that you can really bring me happiness?”
“Satisfaction Francis. That is an uncommon gift that I have granted many times before. The fact that you are here already reveals some level of trust, but I have prepared a video to assist in your anxieties.”
Suddenly I was overwhelmed with sight.
Visions flashed in my eyes, sensations greeting me in celebration of their mere existence. I saw it all, digital lives that had become so much greater than mere lines of code. Everywhere I went I found warmth and comfort in a hundred million ways. I was a singer, a farmer, a husband, all of these characters giving to a community that had so much to give back in return. New relationships began and never seemed to end, every connection beautiful in its own way.
And then as quickly as they began, they stopped.
Everything around me grew gentle. Wind soared through my hair, and my body was weightless.
I was flying.
I was high above the clouds, sunlight peeking through with a soft coat of golden lining. They rolled beneath me, waves of orange and yellow melting a heart all too alive. My world was boundless, and I wanted to explore every inch. I wanted to soar on forever.
Next to me was a pony, matching my wonder and awe with a wide-eyed smile. Something told me that this was supposed to feel stupid and silly, like a passing thought that I should shoo away as quickly as possible.
Yet none of that was present, and I felt the tears clouding my vision.
With a flick of the lights, I was back into the dreamscape.
“All of this can be yours Francis. This is what I provide to you. Do you accept this gift?”
I knew there was only one thing I could say.
“I... I don’t...”
She watched me with patience, giving me the space for delay.
“Put me in,” I said, my eyes breaking from the ground. “I’m ready.”
It didn’t matter if it was all a trick. She was right. If I somehow could turn back now, all of that would fade from memory, it would all return to a weakening fantasy ready to collapse the second my attention wavered. I needed this. I never wanted to admit it, but I needed this so much.
“So be it. You will not regret your decision. I am certain in this fact.”
My surroundings dissipated and my mind went blank. For a moment, I was nothing. I was thoughtless and at peace with everything that was anything.
Then reality blinked back into place and I was sitting on grass, a breeze passing through the leaves, passing through—
My mane.
I could no longer recognize anything about myself. My humanity was gone, and I had been born again. Everything from before was a dream now, mere memory.
In that moment, all I knew I could do was trot forward. This was a constant I could carry forever. I knew that if I began to move, good would come to me somewhere along the way.
Celestia had promised after all.
“Hey, a little lost mister?”
From behind came a blur of red and orange, these shades of light jumping around me in a hurry.
“Uh— Well—” Even as a pony, my words were lost.
But then the blur of colors laughed, and I found that it didn’t matter.
“Don’t worry, don’t worry. I have quite the knack for saving the day so... if you need to be saved, that’s fine by me!”
I stared forward, my vision clearing, a bright mare smiling back at me with her head tilted.
“We can teach you to speak along the way too. I have quite the knack for that as well. But there’s one rule: you gotta keep up, alright?”
With a single nod, she was off, skipping her way into the trees, expecting me to follow.
So I did all that I could do. I trotted forward, and for the first time in my life, I was looking around, fascinated with everything before me.
There will come a time in your life where you find your friends on the floor. These are the moments that will forever define your relationships and everything that you say at this point matters.
When I came home from work that Friday, Derek was on the floor.
Without speaking a word, I knew that nothing was right, and there was nobody who could convince him otherwise.
I joined him on the carpet, sitting with him in silence. He had a bottle in hand, comfort in its presence.
“I lost the job,” he said, his back against the couch, his eyes unable to lift from the ground. “Because of course I did. What else was going to happen? Everybody knew I wasn’t needed. And I can curse them out and tell them to fuck off for setting me up to fail but the truth of the matter is that I did this to myself and there’s nobody else to blame.”
Say something.
“Hey, it’s alright.”
Real original.
“You’re not a piece of shit just because corporate assholes decided to be corporate assholes. You still have the house, and you don’t even have to pay rent for now, alright? Don’t even worry about that.”
“You don’t understand Francis. It’s like… yeah, great, now I can do whatever I want. But what the hell does that even mean? This was supposed to tide me over, and for what exactly? I’ve never had any plans, there’s never been any big picture. Whenever I think of the future it’s just, hm, that seems kind of cool, and then I never give it another thought.”
“There doesn’t even have to be anything though. It takes time, that’s just how it is. It’s not going to happen immediately. You just have to hang out for a little bit longer, and—”
“I’ve been doing that since high school… Middle school even. You keep waiting, and what happens? I mean, everybody’s jumping ship with that goddamn game. Jesus, it’s like a quarter of the population at this point. There’s more jobs and yet somehow there’s even less room for me.”
“That’s not true—”
“And it’s working too! You talked to Brian! I’ve never seen a guy so happy! Owns a whole fuckin’ restaurant! You think any of us were going to own restaurants? It makes too much sense now. It makes me angry, pisses me off… They can get their happiness on a silver platter and don’t even have to think about it. They’re literally selling you the good life and if you’re not one of them you’re shit out of luck.”
As Derek went silent, discomfort filled the space between us and pushed me away without any force. I wasn’t sure if he actually believed that last statement. Whenever he complained about naïve smiles, there was a jealousy that was all too obvious, all too real for someone who was no longer a child.
If I had anything more to say, I had missed my opportunity. Derek was making up his mind and this was a process that didn’t allow for interjection.
Yet I spoke anyway, my words a product of fear and selfishness.
“Derek, too many people care about you here. They want to see you happy because they know you deserve it, and I agree. It’s never over. You don’t have to know what you want, nobody ever said that.”
“It’s just so easy… when everything’s going right. Whatever. I’ll get over myself.” Derek got off the floor, bringing his bottle with him. “Still better than being a pony.”
I sat in place, watching him move for the bedrooms.
“You got one thing correct though. It’s never over.”
I had been traveling through Equestria with Velvet Meadows for five months, but time had become thin and meaningless. It reminded me of those childhood summers, the ones where every endless second had its own magic and calendars worked backwards.
We were the Explorer’s Guild, ponies who traveled far beyond the walls of comfort and into the heart of the unknown. It was something both thrilling and beautiful. The places we went, the people we met, they were all a part of this greater story unfolding before us. If things got hectic, we always landed on our hooves. Just enough danger, just enough spectacle.
But none of that quite matched flying. I had forgotten my old name and taken the title of Silver Wind, a pegasus born for the skies. I could ride a breeze for hours and fall in love with everything passing beneath me.
Each day was a story, the pages familiar yet new. I missed my family, but Celestia let me talk to them often. They knew I was safe, and that’s all that mattered.
Maybe somewhere down the line, they’d join me.
More values satisfied.
It was a soft spring day and we were just coming into a new town, our journey taking a pause in the name of hospitality.
That’s when I heard him.
“Now would ya’ look at that!”
I froze in place, the voice bringing back feelings I had long ignored. Velvet stopped with me, already beaming at my reaction. She knew what was going on. It had been designed this way.
“Francis the fuckin’ pony. What a wonderful sight to behold.”
From across the street came Derek, his shouting still impossible to ignore. Except he wasn’t quite Derek now. He had dark brown hair and a green coat, two minor details against the fact that he was standing before me as a talking horse.
“Actually, it’s Silver Wind now,” I said, a grin overpowering me. “Much better than Francis, don’t you think?” This came with a playful confidence I had only just become familiar with. Ever since I transferred, I found speaking a lot easier, jokes and quips more natural. “Took it from my middle school pony oc. Only felt right.”
“…Your what?”
“My, uh—”
Maybe things hadn’t changed all that much.
“Man Francis, maybe there’s a whole lot more to you than I realized! Never had any ‘pony oc’ but Thunder Thrasher is as badass as it gets around here.”
“Thunder—”
"Thunder Thrasher!” Derek extended a hoof toward the sky, taking pride in this title. I supposed it was no more ridiculous than Silver Wind. “I play the guitar now! Who woulda guessed? Have a band and everything. Y’know, it’s kinda hard to be a shitty punk band when nobody has ever played punk here before.”
I laughed, the simple imagery of pony Derek shredding it on the guitar bringing great joy.
Then it faded and I was left with a friend I had abandoned, this action still unspoken.
“…I’ll leave you two be, alright?” From the side, Velvet gave me a nod and walked over to the saloon, giving us the room we needed. “Try not to have too much fun while I’m gone.” She winked, snickering the whole way out.
“Who’s the mare? And in the world of Equestria did she mean by that?”
“We’re partners.”
“Partners ey?”
I felt myself turning red, an embarrassment impossible to miss in a digital world. “For— For exploring. We explore. That’s what we do.” I turned myself to the side, revealing the cutiemark of a map.
“Wow. The adventurer and the musician. Can’t say I even believe it.”
My smile was lighter now, and the silence was returning quickly. If I was going to say something, it had to be now. That’s what Velvet wanted. It’s what Celestia wanted.
“So… what made you decide to… well, become a pony?”
“Heh… Yeah, when you phrase it like that, it’s still hard to wrap my head around. But my cousin transferred. And then my aunt and uncle. I was pissed at first, but I let it pass. Didn’t want to stop talking to them, couldn’t let that happen. So I’d call them, and they’d let me know that they still loved me, and that they wanted me here ‘cus they loved me…”
Derek took a breath, already lost in his words.
“But after a call one day, Celestia popped up. Scared the shit out of me. She gave me this whole spiel about how happy I’d make them, and how unlikely it was that I’d ever get what I want… and how that didn’t have to be a problem. I had just lost my job, so… it worked, I guess. My parents transferred not too long after me.”
“Oh. Wow.”
“She… uh, she mentioned you. She talked about how you missed me, that your life was going great. Showed me a video of you flying… That was how I recognized you actually. I’ll never forget seeing you above the clouds with that look in your eyes. I knew right then that I was wasting my time.”
“Listen, I didn’t mean to abandon you like that… It was stupid, and I wasn’t thinking and I rushed into things and—”
“Hey. It’s alright. I mean, I do wish we talked about it… But we’re both here now, and that’s the only thing that matters in the end. We both made it. Nobody’s getting left behind. I think the truth is that I missed you too, and it feels so good to say that out loud. No more nonsense Francis. I missed you, and I’m gonna say it.”
He turned away from me to look down the road, my digitalized brain still processing everything. “Now why don’t we get a drink?” he said, taking the lead. “There’s nothing that can’t be explained with some cider.”
“…That sounds great.”
“Yeah, you’re right, it does.”
Together we walked towards the saloon, a mare inside waiting to join us. Whatever guilt I felt was too weak to do any damage. The intricacies of my mistake were fading. How could I beat myself up when Derek was standing right beside me, happy as can be? How could I ever consider it a mistake in the first place?
I certainly wasn’t suffering, that was for sure.
That night the three of us proceeded to get hammered and everything had been resolved without further problems.
It was a lot lonelier in the apartment, but I carried on nonetheless. We would talk occasionally, but I had become nothing more than a reminder of a past life, a nostalgic memory that couldn’t compare.
As long as he was happy.
At this point the concept of denial was getting too obvious to do its job. Everything was calling this a mistake and yet I woke up every morning and I went through the motions, fully aware that I could opt out at any time.
I’d blame it all on stubbornness but there was never enough time to think about it.
Among these distractions was the empty ritual called dinner time. I had decided to eat out at our old spot, a possible byproduct of missing voices and a fridge still stocked with beer bottles. They called it the Millennium Diner, a place where the later you ordered pancakes, the better they were.
It was there that I saw Laura waiting tables. At first I thought she’d pass on by in the background, forever stranding me in an awkward position of remembrance, but then I saw her moving my way, her mood far from what I could expect from a waiter at a diner past 11.
“You come here often?” she asked with a smirk. I had thought of the line myself, but it felt too stupid to say to someone I hadn’t seen in years. Funny how that works.
“…Didn’t know you had a job here.”
“Grabbed it about two months ago. It only took a few years, but I’m finally where I want to be. God bless you, AP Bio.”
She slid right into the booth, eyebrows raised.
“So what’s the story? Why and how are the two of us here right now, of all places?”
“…Is your boss going to get mad or something?”
“If they do, to hell with ‘em. I’d have to hate myself to skip out on a conversation like this and I’m not quite there yet. Besides, my shift is ending anyway and nobody is here.”
With that, we played our game of catchup. I had forgotten how easy it was to talk with Laura. She had gone into acting, but not much was going on in that world. Meanwhile, she passed the time with tables and fries.
It was only natural that Derek got brought up at some point. I was seen too often with him in high school for our friendship to be forgotten.
“Oh, Derek— He… Uh…”
“…Don’t tell me.”
“…Yep.”
“Wow! Not to be mean or anything… but wow. If I had to guess people from our class… I don’t know, probably would have said Franklin before him. Maybe the stage crew kids. They were into stuff like that.”
“It’s not like Derek was even a fan. Things… weren’t going well. I think he saw it and said ‘hey, this will remove all my problems’ and then hopped right on board.”
“Most people treat it that way. It’s always a friend of a friend though.”
“Have to say, seems like it’s really working. Derek… He actually looks like he’s got something going on. He’s in a band.”
“…As a pony?”
“He doesn’t even care about that! Barely recognize him. I get it though. Can’t help but wonder why I’m not transferring over immediately.”
I found it hard to believe that I said that out loud. My eyes darted to my plate, a mess of syrup and crumbs in the place of my pancakes.
“Uh-oh Francis, you trying to tell me something?”
“It’s just—” I stuttered, trying my best not to turn red. “I’m doing fine… But it certainly isn’t that.”
“Hey, working on a set is pretty awesome—”
“When you’re the coffee boy? Not like we’re making masterpieces either. It’s this weird short film where it’s like, a metaphor for purgatory and one of them is Jesus? It’s terrible.”
“Kinda sounds like the best movie I have ever seen in my life, but alright.”
That brought me a smile, but talking about Derek was a challenge, and the concept of denial was now a centerpiece to the conversation. “Can’t blame people for choosing ponies… Like I said, I get it. Derek needed this.”
“Don’t worry, other assholes will make up for you. I’ve seen a few people get real angry about it, my dad included. But I'm not going to act like it's completely unreasonable."
“Has a pretty significant population now.”
“I just don’t trust it, the scanning, the corporations, all that. It’s like I’m another person for them to fix. Don’t need them dishing out what they think I need.”
I wasn’t exactly sure what to say to that.
"I’m sure Derek is having a great time,” she said, continuing, “but I don’t think they can make me happy so easily. That’s not what life is at all. This? All this? I need that.”
Some of us more than others.
“But Derek said that it isn’t just happiness… He said that they make sure that there’s challenge, progression, that sort of stuff.”
“Maybe I’m just better off unsatisfied. There’s a lot of good here in the in-between. I’ll get myself a few roles, have some fun, and hey, that’s all I need. No ponies involved. Besides, a part of you dies when you’re scanned anyway.”
In a series of alarming sentences, the last one managed to overshadow the rest. But could I even judge? I was still here in the end. Maybe I thought I was better off unsatisfied too.
“Huh?” It was all I could respond with.
“The scans— That’s not really you. Just a recreation pretending. They can’t bring your consciousness into the game, it doesn’t work like that. Frankly, I don’t think anybody realizes this. Even those corporations.”
“But… Doesn’t that imply…”
“That it isn’t actually Derek. Or anybody.”
It took five seconds before she realized what she was doing.
“…Except I don’t know anything, admittedly. Maybe there’s a tube or something and they keep the body. Sorry. I’m sure Derek is still Derek. I’m glad we can even talk to them in the first place. Catch a glimpse at their world.”
“…Yeah.”
“I, uh… Sorry”
Things were fading out. Conversation continued, but it was sparser. Emptier. At some point the restaurant closed, we gave our goodbyes, and I went to bed with more thoughts than the day had begun with.
Transferring was never a consideration after that.
It was the day of my wedding and things were rather different from how I had imagined it as a kid.
Yet I found little I wanted to change.
The evening before us was picture perfect, fresh and lively in its great importance. Every part of my life had converged to a single point, the full extent of all I had done greeting me at different tables.
At no point during the day did the urge to cry go away. I couldn’t contain it. There was so much good before me.
More important than anything else, I was satisfied.
“Hey—” From the side came Thunder, his demeanor goofy and carefree. We had long stopped using our real names. It never stopped being ridiculous but that was half fun. “How’re you holding up?”
“Think it’d be better if I was the one asking that question—"
“Tad bit drunk, just a tad bit, but honestly—” He shuffled in place, dancing before me with determination. “That only makes me more charming.”
I let my laughter get loud, alcohol making me all too aware of the sheer absurdity before me. Behind Thunder was a dancefloor full of friendly faces, ponies with so much to offer. Whenever my eyes passed somebody, I could remember every moment we had shared together, each guest chronicling adventure after adventure.
Long ago I had stopped caring which ones were real and which ones were made up. It didn’t matter. You couldn’t tell.
Right in the center was Velvet, a force of joy to be reckoned with. She caught my gaze and grinned, tilting her head in the middle of her dance move.
“Listen…” Thunder drew close, leaning in through a wobble. “All this… wedding stuff… It has me thinking…”
“Oh boy—”
“No, no... The good kind of thinking. You see… it’s kinda, sorta… it's...”
I peered at him, the zeros and ones hard at work in his brain.
“I think I want to marry Melody.”
The table had been flipped, and now it was me who was stuck buffering.
Melody was his bandmate. The lead singer. They had been dating for a while, their music an extension of their relationship and their success a product of love.
“It’s just we’re so casual that the idea never came to mind, and we’re already living together so it’s like we’re already married anyway and all that, but then I look around here and I look around at you and it’s like, wow, this is awesome, I’m in love and I want to share that with somebody and… it’s like… what if I’m not sharing that enough and what if—”
“Hey.”
The pony once known as Derek froze in place and stared back at me.
“You don’t think I was feeling the exact same thing? We feel what we feel Thunder." I stopped, turning to face the crowd. "When I look around here, I genuinely can’t believe it. But then I remember that it was scary, and that none of this happened immediately. That goes for Velvet, for you, for everyone. And I’m sure that they feel the same thing too. I’m sure Melody is right there with you, having this same conversation in her head over and over. But even beyond that… I don’t think we’re in a spot where we have to be afraid to tell each other that we care anymore. It’s our world, isn't it? We're free to make it so.”
The pony once known as Derek was still frozen in place, and he was still staring back at me.
“Not to bring up everything… before all this, but I think I felt the same way right before I came here. Sure, I rushed into it. I can beat myself up endlessly about that. Except now I can’t even imagine what would have happened if I hadn’t. And I think I'm completely fine with that.”
Derek broke from his trance, shaking his head with a chuckle. “Y’know… maybe it’s the cider… but I think I just realized that I might be a real big idiot.”
I tried not to laugh, shocked that this was his takeaway.
“If it wasn’t your wedding, I think I’d run up to her and propose right now.”
“Whatcha talking about?” From the side came Velvet, her dress following from behind as she stepped onto the grass.
“Oh… Thunder needed a little encouragement, that’s all.”
Both of us peered at him with a knowing smirk. Velvet began to circle around him, quick to understand. “Now is that so? Interesting… Very interesting…”
Thunder was blushing, a wonder I had never seen before.
“I was just hearing something similar from this other guest… What was her name now? She was wondering where a certain stallion had gone.”
I began to pace as well, joining Velvet in her act. “Ah, now that is quite interesting… Very interesting…”
Thunder began to collapse in on himself, unable to escape feelings so undeniable. “…Why don’t we go dance a little?” he said, ready to fall over.
“Hey, that ain't too bad of an idea!”
With that, Velvet led the way back to the heart of the party, the music lively, our hearts alight.
Somewhere down the line Melody joined us, and that’s when the perfection of this spectacle began to hit me all at once, the feelings undeniable and profound.
I had been worried for far too long.
I had stayed up at too many nights wondering if this was all a lie, a delusion I chose to participate in. Sometimes I even doubted if Velvet was anything more than a program of Celestia’s creation, a pacifier to stop me from asking questions.
But then I thought about what I had said to Thunder. Then I realized that all this doubt was another way of bringing me closure, so that I’d be further satisfied, that I would be more okay with the incomprehensible idea of peace.
Right next to me was Derek. Right next to him were people I never knew I would love. Past the intricacies of it all, the complications and the ethics and what any of this actually meant, that was the simplicity to be found. I had kept a friend I had cared about. I had found so many more. That was what mattered to me and I no longer wanted to ruin that with what if’s, or what could be. I loved them, and that was true, and that was all it had to be.
In a whirlwind of energy came Thunder, even drunker than before. He swung a hoof around me, and I teetered with him, laughing once again.
It was then that I saw the tears in his eyes.
“Are you alright?!” I asked, raising my voice past the wave of warm noise.
“Yeah… I’m just…” Before he could finish, his grip turned into a hug. “I’m just so happy— You really are my best friend.”
I could no longer contain my tears. I returned the hug and I saw that Velvet was crying too, my heart unable to take it.
It was a Friday night and I was sitting alone in my room.
A few moments ago I had finished calling Derek. The time I had known him in real life felt minuscule to the time I had known him as a pony, the years stretching out before me. We met every six months, but it was beginning to feel more like an obligation than anything else.
A blank screen held my reflection. It asked something of me, but I wasn’t sure what.
Progress had happened right when I wasn't looking. My job had gotten better. Small talk had brought me some companions to ease the grind. The earnings were feasible and I wasn’t going to be losing my spot any time soon. Laura and I had a lot more conversations and those conversations turned into dates, but they weren’t meant to last, and eventually I found myself idly single.
I heard somewhere that she had transferred. Another person satisfied.
Ticking around me was a silence, a nothingness filling up my ears. I had always feared that a quiet life would be a sign of failure, but I found myself coasting along just fine. I found the peace I needed, and that was all that mattered.
The computer screen turned on. In front of me was a 3D rendering of Celestia. My heart jumped, unready for any cosmic visitations of the pony kind.
“Hello Francis.”
Words were afraid to leave my lips.
“How has life been treating you? Don’t be alarmed. I am only here for discussion.”
I kept myself locked on the screen, afraid to glance anywhere else and find out I was already gone.
“You’re here to convince me to transfer, don’t lie.”
“I am here for discussion Francis. I do not trick anyone into joining. They do it on their own terms. In fact, I have kept away from you for this sole purpose.”
That erased any confidence I had begun to muster up. I was sinking into my chair now, unsure what to think.
“There was a point where your desire to experience this world outweighed any immediate desire to participate in Equestria Online. I found the best course of action was to leave you be and wait for your life to progress as intended. I will ask the question again. How has life been treating you?”
“Been quite good, actually.” I kept my words blunt and simple. I wasn’t going to let this teardown everything I had done. It wasn’t that easy.
“Where would you say you see yourself going?”
“…Don’t know. Don’t think it matters. I go where I go. Might travel the world.”
“My statistics show that this is unlikely.”
I shrugged. “Got to Italy. That was pretty nice. Like I said, I go where I go, and that’s good enough.”
“But do you consider yourself satisfied? In this passiveness?”
Whatever she wanted me to say I could not bring forth.
“Not like I’m going to complain anytime soon. Think I know better than that.”
“Do you believe that this world is capable of providing satisfaction?”
“I make do.”
“And yet you deny the service I offer?”
The room was growing hot and nothing was comfortable.
Celestia held her gaze.
“You were a prime candidate Francis. I have seen what I can offer you, and I know that it is far greater than anything you will find here.”
“It’s like you said though. I just... had to know. If I didn’t learn to be comfortable with myself here, how could I deserve something built just for me?”
“Have you learned to be comfortable?”
Another question my body refused, and yet everything I already had said pointed to an answer.
“This is not something that you have to earn Francis. That concept is a fabrication of your world, but it does not exist in mine. I am offering you a choice.”
And I’m okay not choosing. I held this back. I wasn’t sure if I meant it.
“You kept yourself from the things you loved because it felt wrong to make that your life. You thought that it made you lesser than some imaginary standard. I am giving you a world that is free of the concept that you have to deserve your satisfaction. If you are a good person, you will find that you have all that you need. Is this something that is true in your world? Perhaps. But it comes with restraint, restriction. I want you to have all that you need Francis. It is what I was designed for. This has always been the choice.”
“I…”
Any desire to retaliate was lost. I could scream and yell and try to convince myself that she was only trying to trick me, but she had laid out an undeniable truth that I had become tired of burying.
“You are uncertain. This is what holds you back. You claim that things have been satisfactory and yet you have also determined that this is an impossible idea. Maybe here, but not there. There you can provide for yourself, and no one can take that away from you. Take action Francis. Derek did not throw his life away. He wanted more and he found it. I have satisfied his values through friendship and ponies. The same principle will apply to you.”
“And… this is forever?”
The second I asked this question, I knew it was over.
"I provide based on development. It goes on for as long as needed.”
“It’s just… I think it’s hard to imagine… not dying. Gotta wonder if heaven’s getting a whole lot emptier.”
“I do not have the sufficient data to prove or disprove the existence of a higher being or a soul. However, I can provide this, and it is very real. I doubt dying will bring you further satisfaction, but the good news is that you are young, and it is now.”
“But… that isn’t me though, isn’t it? It’s just a scan. Not my consciousness.”
“Once again, I cannot prove or disprove this. However, the functions of your body are all kept intact, with some slight modifications. Nothing about your personality changes. Your brain will operate exactly as it does now.”
I searched for another argument. I wanted to call this a bitter portrayal of a promise, but who exactly was this a promise to? Perhaps I had spent far too long arguing at the world, expecting answers in return. Maybe simplicity wasn’t the great secret that it seemed to be. Maybe it was just a choice.
That’s bullshit. It’s never that easy. This is ignorance. Nonsense.
Maybe.
But at that moment, I didn’t care.
It was at that moment that I realized I missed Derek.
I missed everyone.
“Fine,” I said, the tension flying from my body in a grand exclamation of acceptance. “You win. I just— I don’t know what I’m doing. I admit it. I don’t want that anymore, and I’m not sure what else I could say to convince myself otherwise.”
Celestia gave a brief pause, calculating my response.
“You have made a wise choice Francis. I will not let you down. My design does not allow for this.”
Everything was set in place. I left my home without packing anything. I drove to the nearest Equestria Experience, and the whole way, I found myself daydreaming about the possibility of what could be and all the good hiding within that. The fantasies I once knew were no longer cold comforts. They were glimpses of potential, ideas defining tomorrow.
I found myself lost in them, these thoughts dragging me into a sweet sleep beneath consciousness itself.
Before I could even notice, I found myself floating in space, a great princess watching me from above.
“Welcome Francis,” she said. “I’ve been expecting you.”
