The Only Chapter... The Only Chapter... The Only Chapter?
*WARNING: Alcohol use by adults*
Flurry Heart, the flying alicorn wonderfoal, was almost, but not quite at that age when she could talk in pages rather than paragraphs but she was more than old enough to be of an age when she could eat sweets, candies, chocolates, and sugar cubes.
Chocolate led to delight and tantrums a bit later (from time to time), followed by sleep.
Flurry Heart wasn't sleeping now. She was doing her best Discord impression.
Her mother, Princess Cadance, was holding her head between her hooves. Oh Celestia. Why did I think it was a good idea to invite Fluttershy over to foalsit while I met with those Yakyakistan diplomats last week? It wasn't even worth it--they still smashed the crystal reception couch!
The problem wasn't really that Fluttershy had fluttered across her threshhold. That gentle mare was good with Flurry Heart--remarkably competent at keeping the ball of magical doom-energy calm. Fluttershy had learned a lot about foalsitting from her work with the Cutie Mark Crusaders,1 who provided glowing recommendations. The recommendations had been enchanted to glow--demonstrating the high esteem in which Fluttershy was held. Still, they paled in comparison to Cadance's foalsitting awards and professional certificates. Cadance sighed. Raising a foal full-time was... different from the limited task of sitting. More serious consequences. A foalsitter who taught bad habits could trot merrily away; Cadance was here to stay... unless Flurry teleported her. ...
The problem was that our little demigod draconeqqus Discord had visited his best friend forever (Fluttershy) while she was foalsitting. And Discord, pleased to lend a helping-hoof, not only cast his topsy-turvy joy-providing prestidigitations for the "wonderful little ball of chaos", but Flurry Heart brainstormed further escapades from her mentor.
Which is why Cadance was trotting on the ceiling and her teacups were on a ceiling-adhered-table, but her sweet-oh-so-precious liquid hot toddie tea had splashed to the ground. Flurry hadn't considered reversing gravity for liquids... Or, Cadance speculated, perhaps she had.
The sugar cubes were also gone, through a portal in the floor, probably leading to Flurry Heart's room, but possibly heading anywhere--Cadance dared not check. The first time her husband, Shining Armor, chased after a fleeing flying necktie, he hadn't made it back until days later from some ominous party-planning cave dungeon in a Ponyville candy shop. He was gone again, since yesterday. It was unclear where he was or when he would return. Flurry Heart revealed nothing. Punishment led to greater distance. Love sometimes brought Shining home faster. Cadance was the Princess of Love and she was going to smother her daughter in love and get back her assistant in permanent foalsitting! She was supposed to be good at this.
Even though the ponies weren't crashing to the floor like the forsaken tea, the meeting ended early as her chief banking pony hastily muttered excuses about air sickness and fled the topsy-turvy room, caught by a guardspony pair as she crossed the room's threshold, conforming again to Starswirl's Law of Gravity.
And Flurry Heart had a whole extra thirty minutes to play with her mommy before the next appointment.
"Flurry Heart?"
"Mama?"
"Put this back to normal right this instant." She could have asked Flurry before, during the meeting, but Cadance didn't want it to go on forever. Get to the point banker about averting our Empire's looming bankruptcy or else we'll hold you up! Stick you up on the ceiling! Too dark. Much too dark. Cadance shook her head.
Up became down again.
Cadance peered at her teacup; still empty.
"Where is my tea, Dear?"
"I don' wanna play tea. You always play tea, fall sleepy-sleep."
Cadance sighed. "If you give it back, we can play tag."
"Yay!" Flurry Heart started buzzing around the room.
"Tea first, dear."
Flurry Heart clapped her hooves and the ground-splattered tea returned, with honey and lemon juice, to the cup. Cadance took a deep swig, draining the dirty tea--Flurry Heart had not cleaned it. She considered spitting it up; she should have ordered new tea--by Celestia's glowing ball what was wrong with her today--awful, awful, awful. But Flurry Heart would just ruin whatever came through the door and she could only push her precocious flower so far before dire, terrible, horrible, not-so-good very bad things would happen. Fine. The liquor aftertaste was powerful--not so bad--probably antiseptic and the... unique taste of floor-cleansing chemicals should keep her perky.
A royal appearance was often preferable to other state requirements. She'd wave, shake hoofs, lovingly embrace, and raise morale. Today, two meetings after tag, she was opening a new "back-to-our-roots" restaurant that served... she did a double-take at her schedule: "Haydirt", "Essence of Regurgitated Protein"--for low bio-impact (according to a footnote), and "Worms à la Mode." At least that last sounded promising--ice cream. There were worms, but also ice cream... No, not good at all. She was setting her standards too low; maybe she could pretend illness. Despite the floor chemicals, or possibly because of them?, her eyelids were drooping--an illness excuse would be consistent.
Her magic-madness-inducing daughter, tightly embraced (for everypony's protection), provided a unique solution to Princess Cadance's etiquette dilemma after the Princess spit-up the "Essence of Regurgitated Protein" into a napkin, looked grimly green during the haydirt course, and teetered ill-at-ease on the edge of her seat throughout the ordeal. Flurry Heart, however, liked ice cream. Cadance fed her it, worms and all.
An hour later, standing shakily atop a wrecked support beam, taking care not to crush worms or step on dirt, hay, and vomit-protein scattered across the ground, Cadance signed papers providing gold to rebuild the shop, to pay for the owners' retirement funds, and promising not to come within 1000 feet of their buildings ever again.
"Bad shop," Flurry Heart commented.
"Mommy thought you'd like the ice cream."
"Bad worms."
"Sometimes you must eat things that don't taste good--for your own good."
"You didn't eat them!"
Cadance shivered. She had participated in no fewer than three health fad diets involving nothing much more than worms.(Diet 1. The Cavepony Diet; Diet 2. Slim Flim's Effortless Die*T (the typos should have been a warning sign); Diet 3. Flam's Unflabbener (Rather similar to Slim Flim's. ...)) They were supposed to "absorb energy", making one too tired to overeat. The first diet starved her; during the second, she became addicted her to sweets, counterbalancing the worms' flavor. She didn't remember much about the last diet except she had lain listless on the floor, then she ended up in the hospital.
It had perhaps been too much to hope that the worms would also have slowed down Flurry Heart rather than working her into a fury.
"Mommy. Do you love me?"
"I certainly do dear."
"Can we get some good ice cream?"
"Yes, yes, from the usual place."
The state dinner, after letter-writing time, saw Princess Cadance and Flurry Heart meeting representatives from the Diamond Dog colony directly to the south of the Crystal Empire. The Dogs had been encroaching on the Empire's plentiful (but not unlimited) crystals. Although she had enough to give, rules needed to be established.
Tension permeated the meeting and Cadance's words. Shining Armor was supposed to be here, but he was away. Last night, Flurry's latest tantrum had sent him to who-knows-where. Sweat dropped from Cadance's brow, but Flurry Heart was still soundly asleep. Cadance had moved dinnertime to correlate to post-ice-cream-naptime: a vital strategy.
"Diamond Dogs want all crystals!" They started negotiations from the highest position possible. A fool would set an equally low position and settle in the center. Cadance knew better than that. She had to make this negotiation about something more than bare positions. It needed to be about interests. Or at least, getting the Dogs to bid against themselves.
"We Crystal Ponies will not love you if you seize all the crystals since we will have none of our own. We will be sad." The alternatives of crystal-growing farms and magically-created crystals weren't perfect. Crystal-growing farms had not yet reached the quality of the millennia-old traditional crystals. And magically-crafted crystals required too much power. No. The resource was limited and she needed to be a good steward.
"What do Diamond Dogs care about your sadness?" The lead dog barked.
"What DO Diamond Dogs care about our sadness?" Cadance prodded, affixing the dog with a calculating stare.
"Nothing!"
"Nothing?"
"Nothing!"
"Not a thing?"
"Not anything."
"Anything?" Cadance insisted.
"What are we talking about?" The lead dog scratched her ear.
"We are discussing a way both of us can have love, joy... and crystals."
"Yip."
"So we can better understand what you need, perhaps you could explain how many Diamond Dogs seek to harvest our crystals."
The lead dog told her. Good information if it came to war.
"And where would you be traveling from to scavenge? Can you show me on this map?" Cadance gestured for her guardponies to bring a map.
The lead dog pointed out her plans. More good information for strategic observation or blocking choke points.
"How about this?" Cadance said, after a time. "Consider this mountain, equidistant from these known crystal deposits you indicated. If you dig it out, you could have its crystals." Better to promise the dogs something that would occupy them for a while and that would exploit resources traditionally inaccessible to mining ponies--her fragile crystal pony subjects weren't all blessed with the drilling-strength of superminers like Maud Pie.
"Not enough crystals!"
"Maybe; maybe not. You dig the holes and if there's nothing, then we'll try something else. And when the crystals are gone, we recover the mountain."
The lead dog's eyes narrowed, then she took a crystallized bone from the serving platter, chomped down on it and barked back at her delegation. Those three jackal-headed Diamond Dogs bobbed their heads and yowled.
"It is good." She said.
Cadance sighed and looked down at Flurry Heart, still asleep.
When the dogs were gone, she sat sipping her dessert wine, drifting off.
She woke up to Flurry Heart tugging at her left forehoof.
"Let's play, Mommy! Play!"
O'Flim's and O'Flam's Ancient Gin mixed with Terrific Tonic capped Cadance's day. Her head was swimming and twisting as she lay it down on a pillow, Flurry Heart laying close by. Years ago, Cadance had once put her foal in a crib, far away from her mommy; that hadn't lasted long.
Perhaps tomorrow would be easier.
Flurry Heart, sensing the sleep and politely not wanting to wake mommy but wanting to experience her fun day again, hugged her mother and cast a spell to rewind time. No one else would realize time had been rewound but, hugging Flurry, Cadance would accompany her on the journey.
Cadance awoke in her bed, Flurry beside her, as usual when the child sent Cadance's husband away. ... Today will be better. Shining Armor will return--probably. Today, though, she was so tired. ...
Breakfast began as it had the other day; Flurry Heart snuggling and demanding hot chocolate with her cereal. Cadance caved in; yesterday she'd said no and Flurry's tantrum had resulted in a bowl being spun around like a tornado, spilling cereal and liquid everywhere on the walls.
Flurry Heart served herself extra helpings of sugar.
Cadance was meeting with the banking pony again--after yesterday's topsy-turvy tea, she was surprised that the mare was willing to brave an audience again, but she shrugged and asked the guardponies to send in the expert.
"I am pleased to meet you again. Flurry Heart is otherwise engaged this time-" (Cadance had some guardsponies play with her) "-so we can make proper plans."
The banking pony nodded.
Cadance's memory wasn't always perfect but she felt like the banking pony was going over a lot of yesterday's points.
"I understand, we talked about the coming bankruptcy yesterday--damages from Flurry Heart-- et. cetera."
The banking pony frowned. "We have not covered this before. Please, observe these worrisome charts." A lot of red below a black line, an arrow pointing further south still.
"Don't we mint the bits?"
"We're the Crystal Empire--not the bit empire!" The banking pony was haughty. "And besides, inflation could be a problem. It could level our economy, send us back to our hunter-gatherer roots."
Oh. "I also apologize profusely for the extensive damages Flurry Heart caused yesterday."
The banking pony blinked.
"...at the back-to-our-roots restaurant; I realize you were attempting to obliquely refer to the situation--"
"...of course." The banking pony took a sip of her steaming tea, a clueless expression on her face.
Cadance swallowed her steaming hot toddy, fortifying herself quite well with its liquor, then continued her meeting.
"Mommy!" Flurry Heart beat her wings and hoofs against Cadance's chest. "I don' wanna go!"
Cadance sighed. "Very well. You may stay here."
"No! Food no good!"
"Yes, yes, you may stay here. I have to go to this restaurant. But I'm sure the fare will be better than yesterday's."
"No!" Flurry Heart screamed, at the cusp of a tantrum.
"The guardsponies will give you candy-coated hay. Nothing to be concerned about." That shut her up.
Cadance set her down and looked at the schedule again. The restaurant's name was familiar, and the fare even more-so. "Is everypony starting back-to-our-roots restaurants?" She sighed, and headed out.
She didn't want to approach the rather-familiar building. "How did they rebuild in one day? ... I can't even legally come here!" She said.
The owners showed no evidence of malice or memory of what happened the day before. Everything was the same. Even her menu. She ate the haydirt, hid the regurgitation (more expertly this time), and tried the Worms à la Mode... which was better than she had expected. She finished her meal off with some kumis--she hadn't heard of that before. Maybe it meant something in Old Ponish? The label said: "naturally sourced... responsibly donated and protected... mare's milk." She spit it out. Her assistants wiped her down and paid some "forget about this" gold to the owners and eyewitnesses, then she moved on.
On the whole, that went better than yesterday's version of today. But why was she reliving the day? She went straight home and ordered a strawberry daiquiri to help her think. Flurry Heart knocked the drink over moments after it was delivered, staining Cadance's royal outfit with a blood-red heart-mark. Into the trash it will go. Stumbling to her feet, she play-danced with her daughter for a while. She had a meeting with the Diamond Dogs tonight and she needed to tire Flurry Heart out, but at least she didn't need to prepare any more for the summit since she remembered how it went.
They danced and trotted and swung and waltzed, then jitterponied some more and did the haywire shuffle (Twilight's favorite from when Cadance had foalsat her--it served Cadance well. Flurry, thank Celestia, found it stupid-funny).
Cadance was in a grim mood though when the Diamond Dog meeting-time arrived. Flurry Heart wasn't sleeping. But why? The only differences from yesterday, Cadance thought, was Flurry hadn't accompanied her eat-and-greet and hadn't disrupted her morning meetings. And now, her tiny terror would be alert during a most important negotiation. Even if sent away, the child would return--pop!--by her magic. And Cadance needed to bring Flurry or else Cadance would be the one sent popping to locations unknown.
"Diamond Dogs want all crystals!" The negotiations started much as they had during the previous evening.
"We Crystal Ponies will not love you if you seize all the crystals since we will have none our own. We will be sad." Cadance retorted.
"What do Diamond Dogs care about your sadness?" The lead dog barked.
"What DO Diamond Dogs care about our sadness?" Cadance prodded, affixing the dog with a calculating stare.
"Nothing!"
"Nothing?"
"Nothing!"
"Not a thing?"
"Not anything."
"Anything?" Cadance insisted.
"What are we talking about?" The lead dog scratched her ear.
"We are discussing a way-" Cadance was interrupted, but she kept speaking. "both of us can have love, joy... and crystals." The dogs didn't hear her. Instead, the interruption was amplified.
"Diamond Dogs look funny!" Flurry Heart laughed.
She had been so good. Oh so good for the past few minutes. Cadance had almost forgotten she was there, in her embrace, suckling on a chocolate ring pop. But the pop had been consumed.
The lead dog stood up on her hindquarters. "We what?"
"Oh, no they don't, dear." Cadance shushed her daughter, who laughed.
"I'll make them look funny for you!"
"No!" Cadance cried.
The lead dog, then the others, now bore big red clown noses. "What happened?" The lead dog demanded.
"Flurry Heart--put them back this instant! Ms. Dog, I sincerely apologize."
Flurry Heart was rolling on the floor, giggling, wild.
The dogs leaped onto their hindquarters.
"I merely need to determine what she did. Remain calm, please."
"This is a declaration of war!" Said one dog whose cheeks had also gone rouge and who now bore a blue wig upon its head.
"We will have all of your crystals!" The lead dog insisted, and they turned to leave.
Maybe I should just leave them like this, Cadance thought. Then she sighed. She should make things right. And she did, removing the dogs' clownish looks. They still departed.
"Flurry Heart! How could you do such a thing!" Cadance looked to her daughter. "We may have to summon the Mane Six to solve this friendship problem--it could be dire!"
Flurry Heart stopped laughing and looked serious for a moment. "Do I get to see Auntie Twee?"
"Maybe..." Cadance sighed. "No!" She thought better of it. "Seeing Auntie Twee--light is not a reward for starting an international incident!"
"We own Diamond Dog land, though. Be it should a national incident?"
"They are an independent nation encompassed by the Equestrian protectorate as established in the Treaty of-" Cadance started to explain. Then she realized it wasn't worth the detail and she slouched back in her chair. It had gone so well before. The first time she had this day.
Flurry hugged her.
"Do you think Daddy might make it home tomorrow?" Cadance asked.
Flurry shrugged. "Daddy wouldn't let me eat candy."
"He's worried about your teeth."
Flurry stuck out her brown-stained tongue.
"How about we have a banana split ice cream float?" Cadance suggested. They ate it. Their stomachs hurt. They had lie-down time, moaning together. Then it was time for shower. Finally, bed time. Cadance was drinking her nightcap and she had taken a pain relief pill and a sleeping one and her eyes were blurring. She probably shouldn't have mixed all that, but she was the Princess and alicorn princesses like her were nearly immortal--she could do what she wanted! Which is why she didn't worry about Flurry's teeth. Her husband, a unicorn, just didn't understand. He shouldn't have criticized Flurry's teeth--no reason to aggravate her--none at all! Did he just want a vacation away from the Kingdom? Was he that devious! I'm going to BITE him! Cadance growled. She saw an array of colours, bleeding red and velvet and sable and white, then collapsing into a wavelike pattern of rolling blotches.
Cadance moaned. "Flurry... I'm not feeling so well. I'm worried."
"Mommy?"
"I'm afraid we might have done something horrible today..." Started a war...
"Don't worry, Mommy." Flurry hugged her. Cadance's breathing got more shallow and quiet. Mommy was falling asleep.
Flurry didn't want to live the day again. It hadn't been bad, but not as perfect as the last. Lots of candy but less of Mommy. And Mommy had made a mistake. She'd better help fix it. Flurry Heart hugged her mother and cast another spell to rewind time.
Cadance was hung over, vomiting, and tired. It was like she was pregnant again--oh by Celestia was she pregnant again! Or, in a bad dream. She kicked herself and fell flat on her belly. That hurt, but could only prove so much. She turned around and ran into the wall.
Flurry Heart, waking without her mommy, wandered into the toilet where she found mommy on the floor... But mommy had a meeting this morning, so Flurry picked her up with magic, dragged her into the reception room and set her on a chair. She magicked up some warm water with honey and lots of the "forbidden mommy mix". Then, she made mommy's eyes look open when they were shut--she might be able to sleep more that way. Then, she left mommy alone and sent a ventriloquism spell in mommy's voice beyond the reception room's door: "Come in and sit. Enjoy the tea!"
Cadance lashed out and upended her teacup as she awoke. Her guest had already been speaking.
"Please, observe these worrisome charts." A lot of red below a black line, an arrow pointing further south still. The banking pony took a final sip of her tea, and set it down.
"What is what now?"
"We're losing bits, bit by bit."
"Bit?"
"Bits, our coins. Bitcoin. Not the... equipment." The banking pony suddenly was flushed.
"But we mint the bits?" Cadance's sense started to return to her, though not enough not to repeat what she'd gone over with the pony the day before. She didn't understand finance much though so she hadn't remembered yesterday's details. She remembered the problem--yes, the solution--no.
She was in a meeting... that she'd had twice before. And this would be about over halfway into the meeting, after pleasantries. How'd she exchange any while asleep? Maybe she mumbled? She talked in her sleep. Shining Armor said she'd ordered a chocolate bath one morning. And one execution he'd had to cancel.
"We're the Crystal Empire--not the bit empire!" The banking pony laughed. "And inflation, a problem that it issssh." Her voice slurred. "It c-ka-cuckold our economy, fall us back to be huntering and gatherererin' rootssss."
"Roots..." Cadance acknowledged. Oh no. Not again. That restaurant was next.
"Yesh; our roots. We need to do s-something. Disaster after dissssaster is striking our pocketbooks. We've sss-pent everything s-aved before S-S-sombra."
"How do we stop it?"
"The cycle?"
"Yes, how do we stop the cycle?"
"T-he race to the bottom."
"Yes."
The banking pony took a deep breath. "Well... I... I need to think." She put a hoof to her forehead. "That tea is... sssomething."
Cadance sadly looked at her shattered cup on the floor. That must have cost a lot, and now she'd have to replace the set. You couldn't have one missing piece out of a set of twelve. Shining Armor had convinced her they didn't need a baker's dozen but some very important pony would feel put out if that pony didn't have a matching piece. (Of course, she could just use this set when less than twelve guests presented themselves, but at the moment that did not occur to her.)
"We need to raise more fundss, issue bondsh--not like friendship bonds but IOUsss. Ssave money--hahahahaha."
There hadn't been laughing at that point in the last two conversations, Cadance recalled. Her head still hurt, as did her shoulder where it had smashed into the wall, or the floor, or wherever.
"Sh-start a sstonks market--ssomething like they had in the Minotaur landss-trade tulipssh--buckloadsss--and s-something, s-something" she drew a wavy line of question marks on a non-disposable tea napkin. "then profitsh!"
Cadance remembered this conversation. She had deflected the banking pony's ideas, as she usually did in meetings like this and had said if ponies hadn't had a livestock... stock market for thousands of years, they certainly didn't need one now and why would anyone buy tulips when roses were the language of love? But, buck it. I'm trapped in hell. Her throbbing head thought. Last time I started a war. It can't get worse than that. She giggled. No one's gonna remember anything I do; I'm just gonna live this day again and again and again..."
"Go ahead then!" Cadance rose, zanily channeling her archaic aunt Luna with a laughing order. "Go forth and create thy market of stocks!"
"V-very well, Princessssh!" The banking pony rose, tumbled against the table, then stumbled out of the room five minutes early.
Flurry Heart raced in once the room was vacated. "Mommy!"
"Hello my dear."
"Race? Race?"
"My head hurts." Cadance lay her head down on the tea table. "Have a candy." She gave Flurry Heart a gummy sugar cube.
"What about your back?"
"Fine. Just avoid my shoulder."
Flurry Heart flew up to Cadance's back and started treating it like a trampoline.
It was time for the mullocky2 back-to-our-roots restaurant. Last time, Flurry had not come and disaster was averted here, but it was a bad trade against war. Cadance brought her this time.
"I don't have to eat anything there?"
"No, dear."
Lunch was just as disgusting as before, but this time, Cadance hid whiskey cubes in her mouth, talking around them as she smiled and chomping down to correct those awful flavours of haydirt, regurgitation and Worms à la Mode. She forewent the kumis, excusing herself by saying she needed to set an example for her daughter. The owners had tilted their heads.
During the meal, Flurry had amused herself by making faces at her mother, and her mother made faces back at her. At least the owners couldn't tell if the awful expressions were pain or play. They shook her hoof as she left and photographed her for an advertisement of how the great and powerful enjoyed their establishment.
When she got home, she ate a great feast with Flurry Heart, then danced and trotted and swung and waltzed, then jitterponied some more.
Soon enough, the doom of the Diamond Dogs approached. And Flurry Heart wasn't asleep. Gritting teeth tight, Cadance approached the situation. Maybe if she failed, she'd get to do the day over again. But-but-she had to run to the bathroom first. She returned a bit later, late to the meeting, carrying Flurry Heart against her body and greeting the lead Diamond Dog negotiator.
Flurry Heart didn't magick the dogs into clowns or insult them. Although she whispered to Cadance at one point and they had a special recess--literally--Flurry Heart chased Cadance around and Cadance put her to sleep, then returned to finalize the deal.
Cadance watched Flurry Heart stir in her bed--waking--no. But she might if jostled.
Cadance wanted to sleep--oh how weary was she. She tiptoed past Flurry Heart and headed to the foal's room and its crib. Cadance opened the side rail and snuck herself into its bounds--cozy but Princess sized--oversized for a foal and just enough so she could uncomfortably fit. To help sleep, she took a pill and soon enough would be dreaming and all would be good.
She was a good mother--the best. She'd averted a major war and given her daughter candy and played... even though her daughter had vanished her husband and was probably why she was reliving this day on minimal sleep. She'd need to chat with Celestia about the Equestria-shattering magic--preferably out of the hearing of Discord and Flurry Heart. But she'd succeeded in everything she set out to do because of how loving she was toward everypony, including her daughter. And that's why she was the princess of love!