> Mail Order Groom
>  by Irrespective
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> 1. Order Yours Today!
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


 * *  🍎  * * 


Applejack was predictable.

She preferred it that way. So did her friends, and most of Ponyville.

Predictable, reliable, honest, and most recently, overworked to the point that even she was about to admit it.

And just as predictable to the ponies who knew her, she was going to fight that admission like a starved bear, wrestle with it, kick it around, stomp it a few times, and eventually, in her own way, admit that it might be just a teensy bit true.

She was the Element of Honesty after all, but if there was an Element of Pig-Headed Stubbornness, she would wear that one too.  And proudly.

So, mornings at Sweet Apple Acres were just as predictable as Applejack herself. Today was no different, and the steadfast farmer sighed a little as she idly flipped the last flapjack in her pan. It would only take another minute or so to cook the doughy side to a delicious golden brown, and once that was done, breakfast proper could begin.

And, right on cue, Apple Bloom appeared at the bottom of the stairs with a yawn and a healthy sniff of the pleasant aromas in the kitchen. “Mornin’, Sis.”

“Mornin’,” Applejack replied, and she tossed the completed flapjack onto a nearby plate. “How’d you sleep last night, sugarcube?”

“Better than the night before.” Apple Bloom sidled up to the table, and she speared several more flapjacks from the offered stack with a fork, then moved them to her plate. “But ah was still kinda restless.”

Applejack nodded. “Ah heard you tossing and turning. Truth be told, ah didn’t get much shut-eye, neither.”

“You got some pretty dark circles under your eyes,” Applebloom noted with a small bite. “Those sleepin’ pills ain’t worked very well, have they?”

“Nah. Ah just stopped takin’ them. They weren’t doing no good, so there’s no point.”

The sisters paused, and for a brief moment, Applejack’s heart began to beat just a bit faster. At this point in the routine, Granny Smith was due to make her appearance, complete with grumbling about some new ache, old ache, new leak, or all three together. The elderly matron of the Apple Clan would then shuffle into her customary chair, grab the maple syrup, and drown the morning meal in liquid sugar while thanking Applejack for the meal.

But after that brief moment had passed without Granny Smith’s warm smile appearing in the doorway, Applejack sat in her own chair and took a moment to straighten the polka-dot bandana that now made its home around her neck. 

The two ponies ate the meal without sharing any more conversation. Neither of them wanted to address the elephant that was in the room, and Applejack wished for a moment that the chirping birds outside would turn up their volume, so the silence wouldn’t be so deafening.

“It just ain’t the same, is it?” Apple Bloom finally said in a soft, thoughtful voice. “Ah still miss her somethin’ fierce.”

The sister’s gaze moved to the empty chair at the head of the table in unison. It had remained exactly where it was for the last six months, and there was a good chance it wouldn’t move again.

“Do you think we’ll ever get used to this?” Apple Bloom went on, and Applejack shook her head. 

“Not for a long while, but that’s okay. We’re allowed to miss her. Just shows how much we loved her, and how much she loved us.”

“Yeah. Ah bet Ma and Pa are happy to see her again.”

“Ah reckon so, too.” Applejack grinned a little with the thought, but then she nodded to the sizable stack of flapjacks in front of the youngest Apple. “Best get to eatin’. Don’t want to be late for school.”

Applebloom hesitated, then nudged the plate away with her hoof. “Ah’m not all that hungry this morning. If it’s okay, Ah’m gonna head out and get my chores done.”

“Run along then,” Applejack said. “Ah’ll clean everything up here.”

Apple Bloom stood, moved to the back door, and picked up her saddlebags. Her hoof went to the doorknob, but halfway there, it stopped, and she turned to face Applejack. “Y’know, maybe Ah should stay here and help out with the harvest,” she offered. “Miss Cheerilee won’t mind if Ah miss a day.”

“That’s mighty thoughtful of you, but ah can handle everything here. Big Mac will be over in a few to give me a hoof, too. Don’t you fret none.”

“All right.” Apple Bloom opened the door, stepped onto the back porch and turned to pull the door shut. “Ah’ll see you this afternoon, then.”

“Have fun, and say ‘Hi’ to the Crusaders for me,” Applejack said. 

Apple Bloom nodded with a small smile, and Applejack drew in a long breath as the door shut. Losing Granny Smith had been a terrible blow for the family, but Applejack suspected that Apple Bloom was feeling the loss more keenly than herself or Big Mac. Oh, she hid the pain pretty well, especially for one so young, but there were times when the elder sister could tell that the emotions were deep and raw.

But it would pass, as all things did. The Apples had learned how to move on with life after Bright Mac and Buttercup, and they would do so again without Granny Smith.

Applejack took another bite of flapjacks and reached for the morning newspaper. Granny had always enjoyed looking over the news of the day—even if the ‘news’ was nothing more than a report on Roseluck’s latest fainting spell—and the subscription had been prepaid for a full year, and Applejack hated to waste the bits, so she had taken to at least looking over the headlines before getting started with her day.

She had a few more minutes to spare, anyway. The south forty needed to be harvested today, but she was going to need Big Mac’s help to get everything in, sorted, and to market in time. They were going to be cutting it close, however, and while Applejack was happy that her elder brother had found his special somepony, it did mean he had less time for the farm. His mornings were now mostly occupied with Sugar Belle,⁽*⁾ and as time went on, his appearance in the fields was growing later and later.

⁽*⁾And what they did with that time was absolutely none of her business.
—

Of course, Sugar Belle always came to offer what assistance she could, but she was a baker at heart, not a farmer. While she could buck trees and carry baskets, she just didn’t have the strength or the stamina yet, nor the skill that the Apples had gained after years of working the farm, day in and day out. She could cook an apple fritter that would make mouths water from here to Canterlot, but she just couldn’t keep up with her husband and sister-in-law.

Then again, Sugar Belle and Pinkie Pie had quickly become best friends, and it was clear that Sugar Belle’s happiness would always increase as the distance between her and an oven decreased. 

As she mulled these thoughts over, Applejack idly flipped to the classified section and began to skim. While she had always resisted the notion of hiring outside help, she had to admit that having a crew to assist—even for just a week or two—would be an immense help. Day laborer griffons tended to be cheap and could be hired by the hour, but she would have to make sure they didn’t abscond with any of the baskets, tools, or other supplies. Hippogriffs were more expensive—having been unionized during their return to Mount Aris—but were more trustworthy overall. 

Whoever she picked, she was going to have to account for a day or two for training. Bucking apples was the fastest and most straightforward way to harvest a tree, but even earth ponies needed to be shown how and where to kick, or else all one would have is sore legs and dented wood. Griffons and griffs’ ability to fly would seem like an asset at first glance, since they could go up to the level of the apples themselves, but they were slowed considerably by being able to only pick one apple at a time, and then dropping it down without bruising or splitting the fruit open. 

In the midst of this musing, Applejack’s eye was caught by a large advertisement on the far right of the page. It was impossible to miss, since the large, nearly quarter-page sized box was already circled with a deep red and opened with a bold MARES! as a sort of headline. Without really thinking about what she was doing, Applejack began to read.




MARES!


DO YOU: 

—feel lonely and destitute? 

—find yourself longing for domestic tranquility, but have no special stallion to call your own?

—desire a helpmeet and a companion, a stallion who can ensure your continued comfort in perpetual felicity? 

A great many of the fairer sex, through no fault of their own, have found the delights of matrimony have been withheld from them. A good stallion, it is said, is as rare as the midnight sun, and for those many unhappy ladies who have not found their treasured special somepony, life can be most glum and disappointing. 


BUT THIS NEED NOT BE!


Dear friends! Across our fair land, and beyond our borders, many a stallion finds himself in exactly the same position that you find yourself in at this very moment! Indeed, many honorable and morally upright studs long for the comforting touch of a mare in their life, and are hopeful that YOU might be the answer to all of their longings! 


ACT NOW!


With our large pool of potential prospects, we can produce a stallion that will be a perfect match to whatever your particular tastes and desires may be for a potential future husband. All of our offerings are healthy and fit, screened for disease and guaranteed to be well-behaved, clean, and eager to provide for your happiness! 


WE HAVE WHAT YOU WANT!


It is no exaggeration to say that we have every type of stallion possible for you! We have strong, young stallions fresh from the apple orchards of Appleoosa, intelligent and soft-spoken studs from the great academic halls of our leading institutes and universities in Manehattan and Baltimare, and even those of royal stock and noble blood, straight from Canterlot itself! 

But perhaps your tastes tend to the exotic and the rare? Then you are in luck, friend! We also have a large selection of kirin, hippogriff, zebra, griffon, and even changeling stallions for you to select from, each one eager to start a new life with YOU!


 DON’T DELAY!


Simply send us a list with your specific requests for an ideal match, and one of our representatives will be in contact with you within a week to present your new husband to you! 


DON’T KNOW WHAT TYPE YOU WANT?


Never fear! Simply write to us with your contact information, and we will be happy to make arrangements for a range of potential spouses to be brought right to your doorstep!

Contact us today!
F.F. Services, L.L.C.



“Of all the ridiculous nonsense!” Applejack folded up the newspaper and tossed it on top of the outgoing mail pile. “Imagine, ordering a husband out of some catalogue, like he was a new plow or a gross of nails!”

Applejack snorted, stood, and stuffed the mail and the newspaper into her saddlebags. If she had enough time to read about absurd offers for custom ordered stallions, then she was being far too idle and needed to get to work. The morning dishes needed to be cleaned, Winona needed to be fed, and there were more than enough trees that needed to be harvested. 

Besides, ‘F.F.’ probably referred to Flim and Flam, those perpetually deceitful brothers of infamous fame. Whatever they had to offer, she didn’t want to have any part of, and she hoped that if those two were extorting some poor, lovesick males with promises of a mate that they would soon see through the ruse.

“Mail-order grooms. What a load of horseapples!” she proclaimed.


 * *  🍎  * * 


Applejack blew out a sharp note of annoyance as she bucked the tree behind her, and her eyes went to the afternoon sun as the apples dropped.

Big Macintosh was late. Very late.

So late, in fact, that at this point, he might as well not bother coming out to the fields. While Applejack was sure her brother had some valid excuse, his absence coupled with the heat of the day and the amount of the work that needed to be done equaled out to one extremely irate sister, and he was going to get an earful from her later.

If she ever got done with the harvest, of course. While she was making good time, the amount of remaining work for the day meant that she was going to be out well past midnight, and still have to be up before dawn the next morning to sort and separate what she’d collected. Then she had to somehow get her goods to market, which was going to take precious time away from the fields, to say nothing of feeding the pigs and the chickens, and…

Applejack sighed, and she moved to the barrel of water that she’d packed out on the wagon with her. Stubborn as she was, she could see the hen scratches on the barn wall plainly enough, and the scratches said that she was going to have to hire some help.

Even just one pony would make a world of difference, she thought as she pulled a cup from the saddlebags that were resting next to the barrel, filled it, and took a long drink. Big Mac and herself had managed to hold down the farm by themselves, for the most part, and once she could get somepony fully trained, the chores would practically handle themselves. 

With a snort, the overworked farmer pulled the newspaper she’d brought in her bags, flipped open to the classifieds again, and began to look for anypony who was looking for a job.  

“Hey, A.J! Where are you?” 

“Down here, Dash!” Applejack called out, and her eyes swept the sky for her prismatic friend. Hoof falls nearby brought her gaze back to the ground, and she was mildly surprised when Rainbow Dash appeared from behind a tree, all four hooves on the ground. 

Her smile grew when she saw that Rainbow had not come alone. “Afternoon to ya, everypony. What brings y’all out here?”

“You, darling,” Rarity said with a small pout as she, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie approached. “Today was supposed to be our spa day, remember? I’m afraid you’ve already missed it.”

“Shoot. Ah knew ah was forgettin’ something. Sorry about that,” Applejack said. “Ah’ve been so busy with my chores around here that it just slipped my mind. Guess I’ll just need to take a raincheck on that for now.”

“Do you need some assistance, dear?” Rarity asked. “And where is Big Macintosh? Don’t tell me he left all of this work for you intentionally!”

“Nah, somethin’ musta come up,” said Applejack. “He was supposed to be here a few—well, a lot of hours ago. Ah’d be right grateful for the help, if’n y’all don’t mind haulin’ these bushels to the wagon.”

“Of course!” Rarity’s magic sprang to life, but she grunted with effort when she lifted the bushel nearest to her up. “My! It seems like you’ve had a bumper crop this year!” she huffed.

“Tain’t been too bad, ah reckon,” Applejack said with a nod. 

“So, how are you going to get all of these harvested?” Rainbow Dash asked. “I mean, if Big Mac is going to keep bailing on you, you’re gonna have to do something. Isn’t Apple Bloom supposed to be out here, too?”

“She’ll come help once she gets done with her homework this afternoon,” Applejack replied as she set an empty bushel under the next tree. “But Ah don’t want her education to suffer ‘cause of what’s going on ‘round here. Granny was hoping she’d go to college and get some agricultural degree or another. She’d always say there’d always be time to harvest, but there wouldn’t always be time to get her schoolin’ in.”

There was a slight hesitation from her friends at the mention of Granny Smith, but it was Fluttershy who spoke up first. “How have you been doing since she… um, well, you know…”

“We’re doing well as can be expected. Apple Bloom still misses her somethin’ fierce. Big Mac’s doing a bit better, since he has Sugar Belle to look after, but even so…” Applejack trailed off, and her gaze went distant for a moment. “Well, ah guess it’s just a day-by-day kinda thing. Some days are good, some days ain’t. Just the way these things go.”

“That tells us how your family is doing, but what about you?” Rarity repeated, with a sharp inhale as she hoisted up the next bushel in her magic. 

“Me? Ah’m doin’ all right, Ah reckon. Ah miss Granny too, but Ah keep myself occupied with chores and such.”

“Yeah, but there’s waaaay too much farm here for one pony!” Pinkie Pie bounded by, a basket of apples somehow balanced on her head. “And we don’t want a repeat of the baked bads, now do we? DO WE?!”

“No, sure don’t want that.” Applejack glanced to the remaining trees and heaved another sigh. “Reckon Ah’ll just have to hire some help, that’s all.”

“Or,” Rainbow Dash cut in with a note of deviousness in her voice as she began to jump on a tree, “you could always find yourself a special somepony, like how Big Mac did.”

“Aw, don’t you get goin’ on that ol’ line again!” Applejack protested. “Ah swear, ever since Big Mac and Sugar Belle got hitched, you and Rarity have just about chewed both my ears off with that suggestion.”

“We’re only trying to take care of our friend,” Rarity said as she began to hoist a basket, dropped it, and then went for a smaller one nearby. “You must admit that life would be much easier if you were to obtain a lasting commitment from somepony strong, well-mannered, and eager to please. He, naturally, should be of even temperament, soft-spoken but firm in conviction, broad and well-toned, with a dark coat, piercing gray eyes and a long, flowing black mane. I can just see him now, deftly bucking these trees with only one rear hoof, a thin glazing of delightful perspiration evenly spread across his withers and flanks, and a soft, inviting grin when he sees you striding towards him, a nicker of delight rising from deep within his chest as he gallops to meet you…”

“Ah think you’re tryin’ to make one of your harlequin romance studs real again there,” Applejack snarked as the others snickered. “‘Sides, stallion like that’d dumb as a post and only interested in keeping himself lookin’ prim and proper like. If Ah was goin’ to get hitched—and Ah ain’t sayin’ that Ah am, so don’t look so eager—Ah’d want somepony who ain’t got a problem with an honest day’s work.”

“But just think of all the little Apples!” Pinkie Pie said while cartwheeling by. 

“Oh, they’d be so adorable,” Fluttershy agreed with a dreamy grin. “A whole bushel of tiny foals, so precious and soft!”

“Ah ain’t a rabbit, Shy,” Applejack said with a roll of her eyes. “Ah’m pretty sure Ah wouldn’t have a litter of foals.”

“Oh, I know. But one at a time would work. And then, the older kids could help take care of all the little fillies and colts you’d have!”

“Exactly how many kids are you expectin’ me to have?” Applejack asked, but then she shook her head. “Never mind. Ah’m sure Ah don’t want to know the answer to that.”

“All we’re saying is that you should give the idea a chance,” Rarity said, her magic snagging apples from the air as Rainbow Dash bounced them loose. “We’ve all seen how happy Big Mac is with Sugar Belle, and we just want the same for you, dear.”

“Hey!” Pinkie suddenly popped up with Applejack’s newspaper in her hooves. “I know what you should do, Applejack! You should totally get yourself one of these mail-ordered groomstallions from this ad!”

“No way, no how,” Applejack said with a snort. “Ah saw that earlier, and that’s the most ridiculous thing Ah’ve ever seen.”

“Pinkie does have a point, y’know.” Rainbow Dash swooped down and snatched the paper away for a closer look. “This looks pretty legit to me. Since you can’t find anypony here locally, why not get yourself somepony from a few towns away?”

“Because Ah ain’t about to go and buy a stallion at the hardware store while Ah’m ordering more shovels, hoes, and branch trimmers,” Applejack flatly replied. 

“Well then, don’t think of it that way,” Rarity offered as she studied the advertisement from over Rainbow’s shoulder. “Look, it says they can provide a diverse range of stallions to choose from. How is this different from, say, a dating service?”

Applejack couldn’t think of a proper reply to that, so she just grumbled and bucked a nearby tree. 

“I think it’s a good idea,” Fluttershy added. “And we can all help you pick out somepony special just for you.”

“Yeah!” Rainbow Dash said. “We’ll all make sure you don’t get stuck with some old geezer who’s just trying to steal your bits!”

“Come on,” Rarity cajoled, and she flashed her brightest smile to her friend. “What have you got to lose?”

“What’s left of my sanity, for one thing,” Applejack snorted. “Look, will y’all leave me alone about this gettin’ hitched thing if Ah look over a few of the stallions they’re advertisin’ here?”

“Sure thing,” said Rainbow. “If you actually look over some of the selection and can’t find somepony who’ll be good for you, we’ll all leave you alone. Right girls?”

The other three nodded and affirmed they would stop, with huge grins and the pantomime motions of a Pinkie Promise from all. 

“Fine. When Ah get some time later on, Ah’ll send off a letter. Now can we please drop the subject and get back to harvestin?”


 * *  🍎  * * 


“You’re late,” Applejack said with a snort. 

Big Mac’s heavy hoof falls thundered on the kitchen floor, and with a large whumph, he plopped down in the chair across the table from the annoyed sister. “Eeyup.”

“Ah was wondering if you’d even bother coming over at all today.”

“Sugar was sick,” Big Mac replied, a hoof rubbing the back of his neck. “Ah meant to come, but Ah just couldn’t leave her. She’s been throwing up all day.”  

Applejack harrumphed, but only slightly and in a subdued tone. “She feelin’ better now?”

“Eeyup.”

“Good. Ah’d hate for you to be here while she still needs you.” Applejack drew in a long breath, held it for a moment, then let it out and put all of her irritation with it. “Well, can’t be helped, Ah suppose. Why don’t you go sort what you can for an hour or two. Ah’ll get somethin’ mild and warm whipped up for you to take back once you’re done.”

Big Mac grinned as he stood. “Thanks. Sugar will appreciate that.” 

Applejack nodded, and she watched her brother for a few moments as he marched himself out the back door and over to the barn. She wasn’t surprised about the reason for Big Mac’s absence, and she knew that he’d made the right decision. Family always came first in the Apple Clan, and Big Mac’s first duty was to his wife, then to his sisters. 

Besides, Applejack was now only a few days behind, thanks to the help from her friends. If she just put in a little more effort and worked a few more hours each day, she was sure she could get caught up in short order. That would save her from having to hire outside help, and her eyes flicked to the newspaper on the table as the thought went through her head.

Her eyes once again drifted to the bold advertisement for mail-order grooms, and she rolled her eyes. She really did not need a husband, but she was getting tired of the endless pushing and prodding from her friends—and from Rainbow Dash, in particular—and she had kinda-sorta promised to write…

“Ah can’t believe Ah’m actually doing this.” Applejack stood, produced a pencil, an envelope, and a blank sheet of paper from the nearby pantry cupboard, and sat down again. “Best to just get it out of the way, Ah suppose. Shame to waste the stamp, but they ain’t ever going to stop if Ah don’t take care of this now.”

It only took a moment for Applejack to fill out the envelope and to compose a short letter explaining her interest and her need for a good, hard-working stallion who could buck apples, tend to farm animals, and take care of the upkeep that was needed to keep Sweet Apple Acres running. Once she was done, Applejack sealed the envelope, put it on the new outgoing mail pile with the bills, and grabbed a pot to start making supper. 

“Ah still say it’s all a bunch of hooey,” Applejack grumbled to herself as she began to fill the pot with water. “Findin’ a groom through the mail ain’t gonna work. I’ll bet nopony even replies. It just ain’t right.”


 * *  🍎  * * 

> 2. Quantities are Limited!
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


 * *  🍎  * * 


It was always amazing to see what a week’s worth of hard work could accomplish.

True, Applejack was beginning to both feel and think like she was an apple tree herself, but the south forty had been finally harvested, and now she could turn her attention to sorting what had been collected. She’d keep the finest for a batch of cider, the wormy and diseased ones would be tossed in the garbage, and the rest divided out depending on size, shape, and shine. 

With a yawn, Applejack stumbled downstairs to begin making breakfast, but she missed the last step and tumbled into the kitchen. For a few moments, a fierce internal debate raged on the matter of getting up again, but the Pro-Rest argument was, once again, soundly routed by the Work To Be Done platform. With a grunt, Applejack slowly hoisted herself up, paused while the screaming protests from her muscles died down, and then limply dragged herself over to the icebox. 

At least she was only cooking for herself this morning. Apple Bloom had gone to a sleepover with Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle, and she wasn’t due back until that afternoon when Applejack would need her help to load the sorted apples for shipping. Big Mac would be along… eventually, she supposed, but whenever he did show up, he would already be fed and ready to work.

Or, at least he’d better be, or Ah’m gonna strangle him.

“Ah! Good morning, my dear Applejack. Breakfast will be ready in just a moment.”

Applejack froze, all of her sleepiness and aches forgotten with the surprise announcement. There wasn’t supposed to be another pony in her house, but despite this, there was a stallion by her stove, with a large skillet being held over the flame in his magic. 

“My, you look like you’ve had a rough night. If you’d like, I can whip up one of my famous energy protein shakes for you. Completely organic, of course, but loaded with essential vitamins and minerals to help balance and energize your day.”

“WHO IN TARNATION ARE YOU?!” Applejack finally found her voice, size large, and her question rattled every last window in the house.

“Me?” The light blue stallion chuckled and stirred whatever he was cooking with a quick flick of the pan. “Oh, forgive me. My name is Brambles, and I’m your new husband.”

Applejack’s mouth and jaw moved rapidly, but the only thing that managed to make it past her throat was unintelligible babbling. Five or six questions were trying to be asked all at the same time, but there was no way to sort out the jumbled train wreck that emerged.

“Don’t worry, I get that reaction a lot when I first meet a mare,” Brambles said with a chuckle. “Have a seat, won’t you? I’ll get everything dished up for us, dearest.”

“Hold it!” Applejack finally got her thoughts and her words straightened out, and she marched across the kitchen to go nose-to-nose with the intruder. “Hold on just one apple-pickin’ minute! You ain’t my husband! You ain’t even supposed to be in here! How’d you get in here, anyway?”

“Let’s not concern ourselves with the details, dear,” Brambles said with a charming smile. “The point is I am here now, to be yours for as long as we both shall live. Now, have a seat. The watercress will burn if I leave this on the heat any longer.”

“Oh no you don’t!” Applejack shoved Brambles towards the back door, and kept pushing over his protests. “Ah don’t know where you got such a plum idiotic notion, but Ah sure ain’t gonna let no trespasser stay in my kitchen and use up my vittles! Out!”

“But, Applejack, dearest!”

“Not listening!” Applejack gave Brambles one last heave, and she made a point of slamming the door in his face before throwing the deadbolt, and then wedging a chair under the doorknob for good measure. “Of all the insolent tomfoolery! Ah ain’t got time for addle-headed imbeciles running around in my home!” She paused to inhale, then glanced over to the skillet. “And what in Equestria was he cookin’? Smells like the inside of my muck boots.”

Applejack pulled the skillet off the stove, extinguished the flame, and studied the contents of the pan. To her, it looked like Brambles had dumped in a pound of seaweed—which was probably the aforementioned watercress—some weeds from the burn pile out back, a bunch of odd-looking spices, and a healthy dash of brown.

If it tasted the same as it smelled, then the intruder had made slop for the pigs, not breakfast. With a snort, she picked up the pan, marched back to the back door, and removed the obstructions before flinging it wide open. Sure enough, Brambles was still there, the morose look of defeat instantly melting into a grin when he glanced up to her.

“I knew you’d…”

“You made this, you eat it.” Applejack shoved the pan in Brambles’ face, and he yelped as he tossed the still-hot food from one hoof to another. “Once you’re done, leave the skillet on the stoop and get offa my property. Don’t you come back, neither!”

The door slammed shut once more, and Applejack grumbled to herself as she marched back to the icebox. “Where in the wide world of Equestria did he get such a ridiculous notion, anyway? My husband?! I don’t even—”

Applejack’s words cut off when her gaze moved to the table, and she saw that morning’s edition of the newspaper, unfolded and opened to the Gabby Gums article on page four. Which just so happened to be one page over from the classified section, where a certain advertisement had been placed last week…

“No.” She snorted again and shook the thought from her head. “Can’t be related. Ah wrote to an agency, and they ain’t replied to me yet. If them Flim Flam brothers sent me a stallion without talkin’ to me first, I’m gonna tan their hides clear from wherever they are straight to Canterlot. Then Ah’m gonna talk to Twi about getting a law passed against sending stallions unsolicited through the mail. That’s just…” She paused and shuddered. “No. Those two wouldn’t be that dumb. They couldn’t be that dumb. Could they?”


 * *  🍎  * * 


Mornings in Ponyville, for the most part, were almost as predictable as Applejack. Apart from the odd bugbear attack or plundervine invasion, most ponies had their own little routine that they followed, day in and day out, and there was a peaceful comfort in that repetition.

And after the unwelcome interruption to her morning, Applejack was grateful for that repetition. Today was Saturday, which meant that she was due to make a round of pre-dawn deliveries to the bakeries in Ponyville, so they, in turn, would have fresh apple strudels, apple fritters, and apple bread for their customers once Princess Twilight raised the sun.

The calm stillness was relaxing, and Applejack drew in a long breath of the cool nighttime air. The crunch of the wagon wheels over the gravel path was both familiar and relaxing, and she grinned when she caught sight of a small family of opossums, all strung upside down in a nearby tree and watching her with curious, but ultimately indifferent stares. 

The peace was interrupted by a deep yawn, and Applejack shook some of the sleep from her head as she plodded along. Thankfully, her first delivery was already within sight, and she knew the proprietor of the humble little coffee shop would be able to provide her with the jolt she needed to stay awake.

“G’morning, Pep,” Applejack called out as she entered the brightly lit store. “Gimmie the usual, please.”

“One large size coffee, spare the fancy, coming up.” The creamy brown mare had already snagged a large foam cup with her magic and began to pour when Applejack entered, so the order was even faster than usual. “Sure you don’t want a squirt of hazelnut or chocolate in that?”

“Nope, never gonna do it, no matter how much you ask. Ah’ve already had enough excitement for one day as it is,” said Applejack. “But why don’t you give me one of those apple muffins, too. Breakfast was a bust, and Ah’m famished.”

“It’s a bit early for enough excitement to warrant an apple muffin,” the proprietor said, and she placed both items down on the counter. “I mean, this is Ponyville and all, but usually that much excitement waits for daybreak, at least.”

“Ah tell ya, it’s the durndest thing,” Applejack started before taking a bite from the muffin. Peppermint Chai had only recently refurbished and reopened the former Starbucker’s location, but she was a thoughtful and considerate mare, and one who Applejack had grown to trust with some of her personal problems. Pep was probably the only pony in the whole of Equestria who truly knew how overworked Applejack felt at the moment, and the Coffee Hutt now felt like a warm and peaceful oasis from all the troubles in the world thanks to her chipper attitude and friendly words.

The fact that she was the only other pony awake at this Celestia-cursed hour helped matters, too. “Ah had to run a trespasser out of my own kitchen this mornin’!”

“Somepony broke into your house?” Peppermint asked, craning her neck to look outside as if she was looking for a body flung over Applejack's wagon. “Do you have any idea who it was?”

“Some knucklehead callin’ himself Brambles. Ain’t never met him before in my life, but there he was all the same, struttin’ around like he thought he was gonna own the place!”

Peppermint leaned on the counter with one foreleg and gave Applejack a knowing grin. “Oh, really? And what, exactly, did he want?”

“That’s the worst of it! He was cooking pond scum in my kitchen!” Applejack snorted. “Can you believe that?”

“Oh, I dunno. I suppose I could, if he was trying to court you,” Peppermint said with a bob of her eyebrows, and Applejack leaned back.

“Has Rarity been talkin’ to you again? Or Rainbow?” she growled. “They sure the hay better not have sent him over.”

“I don’t think they had anything to do with Brambles,” Peppermint said. “But they may have been in here the other day, talking about how to help out ‘a friend’ and her woefully inadequate love life.”

“Shoot, last thing Ah need is for them two to get involved with my personal affairs. More than they have already, anyway.” Applejack threw back the rest of her coffee, then let out a groan. “Ah’ll have to hunt ‘em down later, though. Ah got too much on my chore list already; Ah ain’t got time to properly cuss them out for meddlin’.”

“I still don’t know how you handle doing everything by yourself,” Peppermint said as she refilled Applejack’s cup with more of the liquid sustenance. “Or even if you’re handling it.”

“‘Tain’t been easy, but Ah’ve slowly been gettin’ things caught up. If it does get to be too much for me, Ah’ll be sure to get some help.”

“It’s better than beating yourself into the ground,” Peppermint said as she passed the large cup back to Applejack. “No offense, but you look like you haven’t slept in a week.”

Applejack didn’t want to admit to her sleep-deprived condition, so she decided that it would be best to end the conversation there. “Best get movin’ on,” she said as she tossed the rest of the muffin in her mouth. “Where you want me to put your apples?”

“Just leave them out front; I can bring them in later. You sure you’re going to be okay?”

“Ah will be. Just a few more things to take care of ‘round the farm,” said Applejack, and she hoped that her tone was somewhat convincing. She really did believe everything would be fine, once she got caught up. The only sticking point was how she was going to get there. “Much obliged for the coffee. How much Ah owe you?”

“On the house today,” Peppermint said with a grin. “In exchange for ten percent off the next delivery.”

“Deal. Ah’ll even knock off the delivery fee. If you happen to see either Rainbow or Rarity, would you mind tellin’ them Ah want to discuss something with them?”

“I’ll be sure to pass your thinly veiled threat along when I see them.”

Applejack smirked, tipped her hat, and left the store with her cup of motivation. The caffeine jolt would help to limber her up, and by the time she got done with her deliveries, she would be ready to get down to brass tacks at the farm.

Or fight off the feeling of brass tacks stabbing her legs, either way.


 * *  🍎  * * 


Applejack drew in a deep yawn as she stumbled her way back to the farm, and for a few moments, she allowed her pounding head to entertain the treasonous thought of going back to bed. The deliveries had been easy enough, but they also had sapped what little energy she had gotten from Peppermint’s coffee, and her hooves felt like they were wading through concrete with each progressive step. 

“Just a little farther,” she murmured to herself. “Don’t need to walk to sort apples. Ah can just sit there, and maybe rest my eyelids for a few minutes…”

If her legs hadn’t been in motion, Applejack would have fallen completely asleep right there in the middle of the road. Instead, she continued on her current trajectory, her body moving on memory since her eyes had fluttered shut and she was beginning to snore. 

“Excuse me, miss?”

“Not until next Thursday!” Applejack bolted awake and slammed to a stop. With a groan, she rubbed her eyes, then glanced at the surprise speaker through blurred vision. “Wazzat now?”

“Are… are you okay?” the unfamiliar male pegasus asked. 

“Rootin’ tootin’,” Applejack mumbled. 

“Oh. I was just wondering if you could tell me how to get to Sweet Apple Acres. I always get turned around when I’m on the ground.”

Applejack yawned deeply again. “Just down this road,” she replied with a limp wave of her hoof. “‘Bout another couple furlongs or so. Big red barn, can’t miss it.”

“Thanks. Are you sure you don’t need any help?”

“‘Preciate the offer, but ah’m fine. Just need to walk this off is all.”

“If you’re sure,” the pegasus said warily. “Good luck.”

Applejack let out a snore, and the pegasus flapped away, obviously convinced that there was no further conversation to be had. The overwhelmed farmer straddled the line between sleep and awake for several long moments, but then another thought snuck into her quasi-slumber, and her eyes popped open. 

“Wait just a country fried minute. Why was he tryin’ to get to my farm?”

The question was strong enough to suppress her fatigue, and she took off into a trot with the wagon bouncing along behind her. Normally, a stray visitor to the farm wouldn’t be a cause for much concern, but after the trespasser incident, she wasn’t willing to take a chance. 

Applejack’s thoughts ran faster than her legs as she ascended the last hill before Sweet Apple Acres, but most of her concern centered on why there was such odd goings-on all of the sudden, and why she seemed to be at the epicenter of it all. It wasn’t so much that she couldn’t handle the strange or the unusual—being both a farmer and the Bearer of the Element of Honesty had conditioned her to accept strange as normal, and doubly so since her farm was adjacent to the Everfree Forest—but even she had her limits on the amount of strange she could handle in one day, and—

Her thoughts and her forward motion were suddenly stopped when she unexpectedly rear-ended another pony, and the force of the impact would have taken her off her hooves if she hadn’t been strapped into the wagon harness. The other pony in the collision wasn’t so fortunate, however, and Applejack offered an apology as she helped the victim to stand.

“Shoot, Ah’m right sorry about that. Didn’t mean to run into you.”

“No harm done, ma’am” the grey stallion said while brushing some dirt from his coat. “Are you hurt at all?”

“Nah, Ah’m fine.” Applejack took a moment to look over the pony before her, and she frowned when her eyes moved to the pony in front of him, and the next one in the line after that. “Say, you mind tellin’ me why all y’all are out here, standin’ in the middle of the road?”

“Oh, well, we’re here to reply to a personal ad that we saw in the paper,” the grey stallion replied as the ponies nearest to him turned to see who was talking to who. “Or, at least, that’s why I’m here. I’m just assuming everypony else in line is here for the same reason.”

“Aren’t you Applejack?” the next stallion in line asked.

Applejack didn’t answer the question. “Everypony else? Just how many of you are there?”

“Hard to say,” the first stallion said as a small gaggle of males began to surround the two of them. “Probably several hundred or so.”

“What?!” Applejack pushed through the crowd, then stopped at the crest of the hill. “Holy moly! That’s a lot of stallions!” 

Even for all of the oddities that had happened in Ponyville, this was a sight that Applejack could never have possibly dreamed, nor thought of on her own. The farm was overrun with studs, no matter where she looked! From the barn to the chicken coop, from the pig pen to the house, and from the brook on the Everfree end of the property to the orchard treeline on the other, nearly every square inch was occupied by the widest and most diverse bunch of males that could ever be conceived of.

“So, since we saw you first, do we get first dibs?” a random yellow stallion on Applejack’s left asked.

“What in the Sam Hill is goin’ on around here?!” Applejack whirled and glared daggers at the speaker, who yelped and cringed in reply. “Why is my farm overrun with stallions?!”

“We’re here because of the ad you put in the paper!” the poor fellow whined. 

“WHAT AD?” Applejack roared. “Ah didn’t put no ad in no paper!”

“You didn’t?” the first grey stallion asked, and he held out a copy of a newspaper. “Well, somepony did. Look. ‘Wanted: one awesome stud needed for a husband. Must like apples, pigs, apples, chickens, apples, pears, apples, and whatever else farmers like. If you think you've got what it takes to be the companion to best of the best, tryouts will be at Sweet Apple Acres on the 18th starting at nine. Be sure to ask for Applejack.’”

Applejack snatched the paper away, looked over the personal ad once more, then growled as her teeth began to grind. “Dagnabbit, Rainbow!”


 * *  🍎  * * 


Ms. Harshwhinny had just come to a very important conclusion.

Namely, that she didn’t take nearly enough vacation time. It was a fact that she was beginning to regret as her train chugged steadily towards Ponyville, but there was still time to correct the issue, and perhaps this trip would be the catalyst for future relaxation opportunities.

But, as always, there was business to attend to first. Normally, Harshwhinny would have passed off this particular task to one of her subordinates, but this was a special case, and she wanted to personally ensure that everything was satisfactory.

“Excuse me, Miss, but is this seat taken?”

Harshwhinny rolled her eyes, but a playful smile tugged at the corners of her mouth as a charming orange crystal pony plopped down in the seat next to her without waiting for a reply. “Yes. It’s already been taken, so go sit somewhere else.”

“Augh!” the intrusive but not unwelcome passenger let out a faux groan of agony while passing her a large foam cup. “I could have sworn that I heard you say that you wanted to spend as much time with me as possible during this little excursion, and now you cast me aside! Oh, the pain!”

“Knock it off, you goof.” Harshwhinny halfheartedly chided, and she gently smacked her guest in the shoulder. “I really don’t know why I put up with you sometimes.”

“That’s a question I ask myself every day.”

“You’d better keep asking it, too, buster.” Harshwhinny took a long sip from the offered cup, and she smacked her lips once she was done. “Perfect, as always. Thank you, Väs.”

“Anything for you,” he replied with a quick kiss on her cheek. “Gotta admit, I’m looking forward to seeing Ponyville for the first time. Think we might be able to stop by the School of Friendship and take a tour?”

“If we have time, but we must reach Mustangia on time for the inspection.”

“Do you really think this is going to take long?” Väs asked. 

“It might,” Harshwhinny replied as she snuggled into Väs’ embrace. “Given how vague the letter was, it will be difficult to sort out what Applejack wants, exactly. I honestly doubt she’s serious, but if she is, we’ll make sure she gets the best of our selection.”

“I should think so. A good word from her would go a long, long way toward making our business respected.”

“Yes, but more than that. She was extremely helpful during the Crystal Empire games a few years ago. I’d like to repay the favor, if I can.”

“I’m sure you will.” Väs began to run a hoof up and down Harshwhinny’s foreleg, but then he paused and looked around. “Say, Honeybunch. Did you notice anything peculiar about our fellow passengers?”

“Like what?”

“Look around. You’re the only mare in this car.”

Harshwhinny sat up, and it only took a moment to confirm what Väs had said: every seat in the car was occupied by a stallion of some variety. “Odd. I didn’t even notice.”

“You didn’t tell them to come with us, did you?” Väs asked. 

“No, I kept this assignment private, as always.” Harshwhinny tapped a hoof on the floor in thought, then turned and tapped the pony behind her on the shoulder. “Excuse me, sir?”

“Mm?” The dark blue unicorn turned with a small grunt. “Yes?”

“I’ve noticed quite a few young stallions on board today. Would you know where they are all going?”

The unicorn scoffed. “That’s easy. They’re all heading to Ponyville to hopefully woo the fair Applejack.”

“Applejack?” Harshwhinny glanced to Väs, then back again. “Why are they doing that?”

“Well, she put a personal ad in the newspaper,” the unicorn replied, and he passed over the newspaper he’d been holding. “See? Right there. ‘Wanted: one charming and handsome stallion for matrimonial bliss. Must be clean, well-mannered, and hold himself with the finest airs of sophistication and grace, and willing to work long hours in a horrendously hot apple orchard. Inquire at Sweet Apple Acres for Applejack.’”

“That is most peculiar,” Väs said while reading the ad over Harshwhinny’s shoulder. “Why would she employ us and place an advertisement?”

“I don’t know, but we’re going to find out,” Harshwhinny said with a small snort. 


 * *  🍎  * * 


“Of all the pig-headed, nonsensical, and downright stupid things to do…” Applejack grumbled as she paced the length of her kitchen. 

“Hey, how do you even know that I had anything to do with this?” Rainbow Dash replied from her seat at the table. “For all we know, Rarity could have put this in the paper.”

“I beg your pardon!” Rarity spluttered. “I would never write something so coarse and uncouth!”

“I didn’t write that,” Fluttershy added, but she shrunk back a little. “But I’m sorry it’s upset you this badly.”

“Upset? Upset?!” Applejack stopped and let out a slightly maniacal chuckle. “Oh, no. Ah ain’t upset. Ah’m positively peeved right now.”

Rarity gasped. “Language, Applejack! Nopony is going to want to court a pony with such a foul mouth!”

“Ah wouldn’t have to cuss if y’all hadn’t suckered every single stallion from here to Salt Lick to come to my farm!” Applejack replied. “Ah know you did it, Rainbow! Just admit it already!”

“What’s the big deal, anyway?” Rainbow replied. “So there’s a few stallions outside, so what?”

“The big deal, Rainbow, is that they came here under false pretenses. Ah only wanted a couple of stallions here, not half of Equestria! That’s why Ah was waiting to hear back from that mail-order outfit!”

“Wait. You actually wrote to them?” Rainbow asked.

“Ah said Ah would,” Applejack flatly replied.

“Well, yeah, but I didn’t think you’d actually do it,” Rainbow went on. “If I’d known that, I wouldn’t have—”

Rainbow clamped her lips shut, but the damage had been done. “Wouldn’t have what, exactly?” Applejack asked after a long, awkward pause. 

Before Rainbow could be compelled to answer, a quick knock came at the door and Pinkie Pie let herself in. “Hey everypony! Boy, there’s a lot of boys out there!” she said with a snort for her own joke. “I even brought Starlight with me, too! She’s definitely not a boy, so I figured it would be okay to let her in.”

“Applejack, what is going on?” Starlight Glimmer quickly trotted into the kitchen, then kicked the door shut when a few stray males tried to stick their noses inside. “I’ve had at least a dozen stallions ask me if I’m you, and another dozen have tried to bribe me into putting a good word in! I can’t get anything done at the school with that much testosterone running around!”

“Ah do believe Rainbow Dash was just about to explain the whole thing.” Applejack leveled a death glare at her friend, and Rainbow cracked. 

“Okay, fine. I admit it. I put the classified ad in the Cloudsdale Gazette.”

Applejack glanced to the newspaper that she’d confiscated from the yellow stallion on the hill. “This is the Canterlot Sun.”

“Oh, that’s mine,” said Rarity. “I may have also sent one to the Crystal Empire Times. You know. For diversity.”

“Phew!” Pinkie Pie wiped her brow. “That’s a relief!”

“Why’s that?” asked Applejack.

“Because I thought you were going to find out about my ad in the Ponyville Picayune! It’s nice to know you busted Dash and Rarity first.”

“Wait a minute,” said Fluttershy. “Did each of you put an advertisement in the newspaper for Applejack?”

“Sure!” chirped Pinkie Pie. “Which one did you put your ad in?”

“Um, well… that’s not important,” Fluttershy said as she tried to hide behind her mane.

“Element of Honesty,” said Applejack with flat glare.

“All right!” Fluttershy hunched her shoulders and looked down at the table. “The Bird Watcher’s Weekly, the Raccoon Report, Nuts and Trees, and Metaphysics Monthly. Twilight gave me a year’s subscription to that as a gift for Heart’s Warming,” she added with a baleful grimace. “It makes for a good birdcage liner, but don’t tell her.”

Rarity rested her forehead on one hoof and let out a sigh. “I believe Applejack is looking for a husband in the applied sciences, not the theoretical.”

“Right,” said Applejack, then quickly backtracked. “Now hold on there!”

“All right, so everypony is guilty,” Starlight quickly said before the situation got any worse than it already was. “But how are we going to get rid of all of them?”

“Can’t we just tell them to go home?” Fluttershy asked.

“And miss out on the chance to marry the one and only Applejack?” Rainbow scoffed. “Yeah, that’ll work.”

“Well, you’ve got to do something,” Starlight said over a knock at the door. 

“Ah’ll get rid of ‘em, somehow,” said Applejack as she moved to the door and opened it without looking. “Go on, git! Ah ain’t got no need for you, and you can tell all your friends to beat it, too!”

“Missus Applejack, I am probably the only pony who can truly help you right now,” Ms. Harshwhinny replied with a deep scowl. “But if that is how you feel—”

“Miz Harshwhinny? Wait!” Applejack flung the door wide open, grabbed the newcomer, pulled her inside, and slammed the door shut before any males weaseled their way in. “You know how to get rid of all of them? What are you doing here?”

“Well, I initially came to discuss your request for a mail-order groom,” Harshwhinny replied, and she pulled Applejack’s letter from her saddlebag. “But I see you took matters into your own hooves.”

“What? Hold on,” said Rainbow. “You’re in charge of mail-order grooms?”

“I am a co-President of F.F. Services, yes. If you’lI permit me, I can explain why I’m here and what you need to do now. Oh, and if you could let my husband inside also, that would be appreciated.”


 * *  🍎  * * 

> 3. - A Wide Variety Now In Stock!
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


 * *  🍎  * * 


“Ah still can’t get over the fact that you’re the one offering stallions through the mail,” Applejack said as she poured a cup of coffee and offered it to Ms. Harshwhinny. “Ah thought you were in charge of the Equestria Games.”

“I still am,” Harshwhinny said, and her nose wrinkled at the smell of the cheap, burnt and boiled coffee in the mug she’d been given. “My husband usually handles the day-to-day affairs of Friendly Finding Services. But we started the company together, and I offer what help I can to him.”

“I didn’t realize you were married,” Rarity said.

“That’s because I wasn’t during the Crystal Empire Games,” Harshwhinny replied, and she smiled as her husband sat next to her and put his hoof on hers. “But one night during the preparations, I was flipping through the personal ad section in the Crystal Empire Times, and I happened to see the most pitiful notice that I’d ever seen.”

“It wasn’t that bad,” the sparkling orange pony cut in, and he puffed out his chest while swiping a hoof through his arctic blue mane with a pronounced flourish. “In fact, it was thoughtful, succinct, and heartwarming, as I recall.” 

Harshwhinny rolled her eyes. “‘Wanted: a mare to share the rest of my life with. I’m a complete loser who has never had any luck with the ladies,’” she recited flawlessly. “‘I’m looking for somepony who wants to see the world, who never backs down, and who can get my mess of a life straightened out for me.’”

“Okay, so maybe it was that bad,” Väs admitted. 

“It got worse from there, but you get the idea,” Harshwinny went on. “Somehow, that pathetic plea for help touched my heart, and I decided to contact Crystal Väs and to find out why he had put that ad in the paper. We met two days later, got to talking, and… well, one thing led to another.” She gave Väs a peck on the cheek and smiled when he blushed.

“But that doesn’t explain why you started mailing grooms,” Applejack said.

“How would you even put a stamp on them?” Pinkie asked thoughtfully. 

“I’m getting to that,” said Harshwhinny. “In my travels and conversations as the head of the Equestria Games, I’ve noticed that there is a certain percentage of mares and stallions that are unable to find companionship on their own. The reasons vary, but the longing is always the same. Their perfect match is out there, but without some help finding their counterpart…”

“You end up with Twilight,” chirped Pinkie. “We understand.”

Rarity gently patted Applejack’s shoulder. “There are more difficult mares to match up, after all.”

“That’s where the idea for Friendly Finding Services first came from,” Harshwhinny went on. “Väs was the one to come up with the concept: why not gather together a pool of eligible bachelors, and then advertise that pool in order to make it all the easier for a mare to find a mate? It’s a win-win for both parties, and both Väs and I feel like we’re really making a difference in ponies’ lives.”

“The biggest thing we offer is an individual touch,” Väs added. “Sure, a pony can put a want ad in the paper, but you have no idea who will respond.” Väs pulled the window shade down from where several stallions were trying to peer in the window. “We provide a more selective service. A dating service also typically doesn’t have access to zebras, kirins, hippogriffs, and the other minority groups in Equestria.”

“Your advertisement was rather obvious in that regard,” Rarity remarked.

“That’s also the last time we’ll be using the Flim Flam Marketing and Advertising Agency,” Väs said with a sheepish grin. “They did go just a bit over the top.”

Harshwhinny glanced to Applejack, and a knowing smile crossed her features. “Väs, why don’t you sort out the candidates for Miss Applejack and try to bring some order to their presentation?”

“Sure thing, love,” he said with a quick kiss and a wink. “But I think I’m gonna need some help. Would you all mind giving me a hoof?”

“Of course!” Rarity said with a devious grin. “We’d be delighted to help sort Applejack’s potential prospects, wouldn’t we girls?”

“I call dibs on the bullhorn!” Rainbow announced as she streaked towards the front door. 

“We have a bullhorn?” Fluttershy asked as the others followed Rainbow outside. Harshwhinny put a hoof on Applejack’s shoulder when she started to stand, though, and motioned for her to stay in her seat.

“Might I have a private word with you, Miss Applejack?” she asked.

“Look, Ah’m right sorry about all of this,” Applejack started first. “Ah’m just wastin’ your time.”

“Let me guess. You wrote that letter because your friends were teasing you about getting married, am I right?”

“On the nose,” Applejack grumbled. 

“You’re not the first one to write to FF Services because of teasing,” Harshwhinny said with a small grin. “Nor will you be the last. However, I get the feeling that there’s something deeper here, something that isn’t readily obvious to your friends or to your family.”

“Yeah?” Applejack asked with a curious glance, and Harshwhinny nodded.

“Indeed. I see a lot of myself in you, Miss Applejack. For the longest time, I was able to convince myself and others that I didn’t want or need a husband. Love was an inconvenience, a time-consuming proposition that would end up being a waste. There was too much to be done, not enough time to do it, and adding a relationship on top of the pile would be an unneeded burden. But then, when I found Väs, I finally realized how deeply and completely alone I had felt before. His comfort and his touch filled my life with warmth and light, and my life feels complete and whole with him. We each lacked what the other had in glorious abundance, and now that we are together, we are far stronger than ever before. 

“I’m not going to tell you that you’ll find the same happiness that I did. In fact, it is entirely likely that having a mate would only complicate and inconvenience you, and the last thing you need is a loveless marriage. What I am going to tell you is that it’s worth giving this a chance. It is possible that there is a special somepony outside your door in that sea of stallions, if you’re willing to look. Väs and I are willing to offer our services and our expertise, but we won’t force you into anything.”

Applejack drew in a long, deep sigh. She was exhausted, she was irked that her friends had gone behind her back, and she just wanted everything to go back to normal.

But normal wasn’t a place she could get back to, she realized after a moment of thought. Not the normal she had once known, at least. With Granny Smith gone, the normal that she had grown comfortable with was now just a memory, and no amount of wishing or hard work or anything else would change that reality. 

She hadn’t wanted to move on when Bright Mac and Buttercup had left, either, but life had moved on anyway and she’d been dragged into an uncertain future with it. Of course, in hindsight, the loss had brought her, Apple Bloom, and Big Mac closer together, and as crazy as it sounded, she had found meaning and purpose in the pain.

And she did still need help with the chores…

“If Ah agree to this, you ain’t gonna pressure me into anything, right?” Applejack finally said.

“No pressure at all,” Harshwhinny replied. “Väs and I never do that. We always allow our clients to move at their own pace. If you decide there isn’t a mate for you in that unruly mob outside, then we will respect that decision, wish you the best, and depart.”

“All right. Ah’ll give it a shot,” Applejack slowly said with a huff. “So, what do we do?”

Harshwhinny grinned. “Have you ever heard of speed dating?” 


 * *  🍎  * * 


“All right, everypony, listen up!” Harshwhinny shouted through a bullhorn, and the sea of stallions in Applejack’s front yard turned their attention to her. “Here’s how this is going to work. Each of you will get five minutes to introduce yourself to Applejack, and to answer her questions. At the end of the five minutes, I will ring a bell, and your time will be over. There will be no additional time given; five minutes is all you get! If you are selected to move on, you will wait over by the barn. If you are not selected, we thank you for your time and ask you to return to your home. All decisions by Applejack will be final, absolute, and strictly enforced. Is everypony clear on this?”

“Let’s get this over with,” Applejack grumbled as she plunked down behind the table that had been set up in front of her house, a large coffee cup on her right and a pad of paper in front of her and ready to go. “How many stallions we got to work through, anyway?”

“I estimate we’ve got a herd of about five hundred ponies or so, roughly,” Rainbow Dash said as she sat on Applejack’s left. “So we’re bound to find a nice stud for you.”

“I agree; it is rather unlikely that you won’t find a gentlestallion who catches your fancy from this assembly,” Rarity added while sitting down on Applejack’s right. 

“I can’t wait to throw an engagement party!” Pinkie pronounced with glee. “Oo! Maybe it’ll be that nice green one over there. Or that mauve one! Maybe the grey one! I CAN’T HANDLE THE SUSPENSE!”

“I just want Applejack to find her special somepony,” Fluttershy said with a soft smile as she sat with the others. “If he exists, that is.”

“Ah just want to get back to work,” Applejack said with a snort. “But Ah ain’t gonna get nothing done with all them millin’ around. Who’s first?”

There was a brief pause, and Starlight Glimmer glanced to a stallion near the front of the slightly organized mob. She cleared her throat, and when that didn’t work, Crystal Väs poked the stallion with a hoof, then motioned for him to step forward after his yelp of alarm. The light green stallion was a bit on the small side, with teal eyes that were looking at anything other than Applejack, but he quickly trotted up and shook his head, as if sorting his thoughts. He cleared his throat once he sat in the chair that was a few paces away from the potential bride and her friends, and he offered a thin smile.

“Name?” Harshwhinny demanded.

“I’m Trail Blazer, ma’am,” he replied. “And it’s nice to meet you, Applejack.”

“Likewise,” Applejack replied. Sure, she was still upset about the situation, but that wasn’t an excuse for poor manners, and she had been raised better than that. “So, why do you think you’d be a good husband for me?”

“Well, Miss Applejack, I think I’m a lot like yourself, in a way,” Trail Blazer began. “I grew up on the outskirts of Baltimare, and I’ve always been a hard worker. I like pina coladas, and getting lost in the rain, but I’m not much into health food. I do like champagne, I can’t stand red tape, and I’d love to take you to a small little bar back home for our first official date.”

“Uh huh,” Applejack replied, her eyes on the pad of paper in front of her while she wrote Con: doesn’t want to stay on the farm. With a small sigh, Applejack glanced over the two pros she’d written—hard worker and not into health food—and then over to Harshwhinny.

 Applejack’s eyes widened in amazement. Harshwhinny was furiously scrawling a novel on her pad of paper, a small trail of smoke trailing from the tip of her pencil from the sheer speed of her words. With a casual flick of the hoof, Harshwhinny moved on to the next page, and continued to scrawl until she was halfway down the legal sized pad.

“Well?” she said with a pointed glare to Applejack. “Do you have any follow-up questions for Trail Blazer?”

“I got a couple,” Rainbow Dash proclaimed, and in one swift move, she shot out of her seat, over to the interviewee, and poked him in the chest with a hoof. “Just what kind of ‘hard work’ did you do, huh?! I bet you’ve never even lifted an apple basket before!”

“Well, no,” Trail Blazer admitted. “But my family does own a small avocado orchard, and I helped out with that quite a bit.”

“Really?” said Applejack.

“Oh, yes. I used to work all day, lifting baskets of avocados, taking them back to our sorting warehouse, and getting them packed up.”

“So…” Applejack frowned in concentration, taking the difference between the skinny stallion and his words. “How many avocados did you used to lift at one time?”

“Close to a hundred,” declared Trail Blazer proudly, holding out a hoof. “Here, I brought you one, so you can tell how delightful they are.”

Applejack looked down, then looked again at the extended hoof. “Ah’ve seen watermelon seeds bigger than… oh. Your family owns a small avocado orchard. Hilarious.”

“Just what kind of comedian do you think you are?!” Rainbow demanded with another sharp poke. “This is serious!” 

“I am being serious,” Trail Blazer said with a wince. “Our novelty avocados are used—” 

“Applejack doesn’t have time for your jokes! Get your mangy hide out of here!”

“Rainbow, quit pestering the poor fellow!” Starlight Glimmer cut in, her magic pushing the overbearing pegasus back to the table. “Sorry about her. Somepony switched out her decaf for regular this morning.”

“Hey!” Rainbow protested. 

“Applejack?” Harshwhinny repeated. “What is your decision?”

Applejack hesitated and tried to come up with a question to ask, but nothing was forthcoming. The stallion seemed nice enough and genuine—even with the ridiculous avocados—but there wasn’t really anything about him that stood out or caught her interest. Still, he did have some farming experience, and maybe he’d bulk up some once she put him to work. “All right, Ah’ll give you a chance. Go wait over by the barn for round two.”

Trail Blazer was ecstatic, and he let out a little cheer of delight while following the direction he’d be given. Before Harshwhinny or Applejack could ask for the next pony, however, a lanky slate-grey pony strode up, took the farmer’s hoof in his own, and planted a kiss on her fetlock. 

“Good morning, Applejack,” the stallion said, his words smoother than butter and just as fattening. “What an inestimable and indescribable honor it is to finally make your acquaintance. I am Nickel Farthings the Third, Equire, and may I begin by noting that you have a marvelous agricultural enterprise established here. Why, not two days will go by but I hear of your marvelous produce and exceptional business skills.”

“I bet you’re interested in her produce,” Rainbow muttered under her breath.

“Be nice,” Fluttershy replied.

“Indeed,” Nickel went on like he hadn’t heard Rainbow’s snide remark, “I admit to already feeling a fond regard for you already, despite having just met. Your critical eye for detail is sure to be a natural fit with my business acumen, and together, we are sure to elevate Sweet Apple Acres—and yes, I daresay even Ponyville—to a level of prosperity that could not be realized by a single operator.” 

“But what about Big Mac, Sugar Belle, and Apple Bloom?” Rarity asked.

Nickel Farthings the Third gave Rarity a blank stare for a moment. “Forgive me, but I am unfamiliar with those ponies. Is your farm a multiple partner operation, then?”

“Do you really think a farm of this size can be run by one pony?” Rarity pressed with an exasperated sigh. “Honestly. I’m not so sure your business savvy is quite up to par, so to speak. Just what exactly is your profession, Mister Farthings?”

The question caught him off guard, and he spluttered for a moment before blowing a raspberry. “Well, that… I mean, it’s not really important to the matter at hoof. What we should be concerning ourselves with is the upcoming courtship between Miss Applejack and myself, wouldn’t you agree?”

“Indeed, that would be paramount,” Rarity said. “So, what say you, Applejack?”

“Talks too much, and too fancy,” Applejack dryly said before taking a long swig of her coffee. “Next.”

“But, Miss Applejack…”

“The decision has been made,” Harshwhinny cut in with a hard glare that could melt stone. “You have been given your opportunity. Thank you for your time.”

Nickel Farthings the Third tried to protest further, but the effort died in his throat when Harshwhinny tilted her head slightly and turned up the power of her glower. With a resigned sigh, he turned tail, and Crystal Väs nudged Starlight with a chuckle as Nickel walked away.

“Trust me, you do not want to be on the receiving end of that stare,” he quipped. “The first time my Whinny used it on me, I was sure I was a dead pony walking. I’ve never forgotten to get the garbage out to the curb since then.”

“Two down,” Applejack muttered to herself. “Next!”

“Well! I hardly expected a member of the Royal Guard Corps to be here today,” Rarity said in surprise. “This is most peculiar.”

“Rarity, everything about today is gonna to be peculiar,” Applejack said, but the fashionable unicorn did have a point. Applejack studied the guard as he approached, then saluted without sitting down, and she determined the whole thing would be a little less peculiar if he wasn’t still in his armor and looking like he’d just stepped away from his post. “Alrighty. Who are you?”

“Major Reinforcements, Miss Applejack ma’am,” the burly unicorn replied. “Pleasure to meet you.”

“Why are you still in your armor?” 

“Well, I couldn’t get my request for personal leave approved, ma’am. So I’m doing this while I’m on duty.”

“You went AWOL?” Rainbow Dash gasped.

“No ma’am!” Reinforcements replied. “I’d never do that.”

“But..” Applejack hesitated. “If you’re on duty, then that means… oh no.”

A proud fanfare rang out in the distance, and Reinforcements went to attention. “Announcing the arrival of Her Most Serene Highness, Princess Twilight Sparkle the First, by the Grace of Celestia and Luna—May They Live Forever—Ruler of Equestria and Her Dominions beyond the Seas, Protector of the Realm, Element of Magic, Defeater of Tirek, Vanquisher of the Terrible Trio, Guardian of the Tree of Harmony, Redeemer of the Pillars of Equestria, Noble Defender of the Crystal Empire!”

“Herald!” bellowed Twilight at a volume far above Librarian-level, "I said I'd let you announce me if you wanted to talk to Applejack, but I'm not paying you by the word! Some of those aren't even titles, anyway.”

“They will be now that he’s used them,” Harshwhinny snarked, but her comment went unheeded as Twilight’s friends moved in for a friendly hug. A few words of greeting were shared between the mares, but before Twilight could ask the expected question, Applejack beat her to the punch.

“So, I take it you saw the personal ad in the Canterlot Sun?”

“Actually, I found out about this when half the guard tried to put in for personal and sick leave for the day,” Twilight said. “They told me about the ad, but when I read it, it didn’t sound like you. Honestly, I thought Rarity had written it and just put your name in instead of hers.”

“Ah’ll give you three guesses why that is, and the first two don’t count,” Applejack said.

It only took Twilight half a second to figure out what happened. “But why would Rarity put the ad in the paper? And is that Ms. Harshwhinny over there?”

“Why don’t we get you a chair, Twi,” Applejack said with a sigh. “This is gonna take a minute to explain.”





“You know, you really don’t have to stay here, Twi,” Applejack said as the reunited friends sat down again. “Ah’m sure you’ve got plenty of work to do in Canterlot.”

“Not really,” Twilight replied. “Even if I did, there’s no way I’m going to let one of my best friends find a special somepony without my help. I’ll be here all day, and even tomorrow, if I need to,” she said with a glance over the crowd. 

“Shall we continue?” Harshwhinny asked, and Applejack nodded. “Very well. Next!”

A light gold pony stepped up with a confident stride, and he took a brief moment to tilt his stetson back before offering the pony panel a huge grin.

“Next!” called out Applejack.

“But I just sat down,” said Braeburn. “We ain’t had a good long talk in—”

“NEXT!” shouted Applejack. “Yer mah cousin, ya durned idjit! I ain’t about to go pickin’ apples out of my own family tree.”

“Well, I suppose.” Braeburn got up and looked around at the long line of stallions waiting their turn.  “You don’t mind if I check out some of your—”

“NEXT! bellowed Applejack.  “Braeburn, if your mangy carcass is within eyesight by the time I stand up, Ah’m going to kick you right back to Aaaappleloosa!”

Braeburn beat a hasty retreat, and the next stallion moved cautiously up to the chair, giving furtive looks to either side. “I... um... didn’t realize you had that kind of temper. I’m sorry, ma’am, but... goodbye.”

“That’s it,” growled Applejack, standing up and addressing the mass of males before. “Any of the rest of you want to drop out ahead of time, be my guest. Yes, ah’ve got a temper, but ah ain’t never kicked nopony who didn’t kick me first. Ah also hog the covers, get terrible gas from artichokes, and think the Baltimare Ravines are a disgrace to the noble art of hoofball an’ they should be run off the field afore they embarrass themselves like they did last week.”

One hoof went up in the crowd. “How about the Detrot Lions?”

“Well...” Applejack sat back down while the prospective pool of pony partners began to shrink.  “Ah can’t really say, on account of Rarity being one of my best friends. But ah’m willing to be tolerant of them. Now, let’s get this line moving again.”





“Next,” Applejack droned, but she gasped when she looked up from the notes she’d taken on the last candidate. “Caramel? Just what do you think you’re doing?”

“Well, I saw you ad in the Picayune this morning, and I was… well, what I mean… that is, I was hoping that, if you’re not too busy, you and I could finally go on that date you promised me for helping out with the Winter Wrap Up.”

“Seriously? That was years ago, and you lost the grass seeds!”

“I know. That’s why I haven’t said anything about it. But you did promise,” Caramel softly said. He then stood, and from within his saddlebags, he produced a small bouquet of white and red roses. “I, uh… I even got you some flowers. But if you don’t want them, then I’ll just leave, and…”

“Wait,” Applejack called out, and she bit her bottom lip. She had promised to take Caramel out on a date, but then had promptly forgotten all about it. The flowers were a nice touch, she had to admit, and her stomach rumbled a bit as she thought about turning them into a light midmorning snack. “Fine. Go wait over by the barn. You’re in.”

Caramel smiled, passed the flowers to Applejack, and then trotted over to the barn with a prance in his step. 

“You’re not seriously considering him, are you?” Rainbow Dash asked. “I mean, c’mon. It’s Caramel. The guy gets lost in his own house.”

“A promise is a promise,” Applejack said. “Ah wish he would’ve reminded me about it before now, though. Sides, he’s always been pretty nice, and he’s never done me any wrong. Don’t hurt nothin’ to give him a chance.”

“It’s your marriage.” Rainbow rolled her eyes. “Don’t blame me if it sucks later.”

“To be fair, Applejack wouldn’t have to worry about it now if you had kept your nose out of her personal affairs, now would she?” Harshwhinny said with a sly grin. 

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever.”

Applejack nipped off a red bud from the bouquet with a smirk. “You ain’t gettin’ none of my flowers, neither. Who’s next?”





“Next!”

“Rainbows!” Zephyr Breeze shot out of the crowd before anypony could react, and he flung himself across the table in front of Rainbow Dash before propping his head on one hoof. “How’s it going, Dash? Did you miss me and all of my awesomeness?”

“Oh, great,” Rainbow Dash moaned while her friends snickered at the display. 

“C’mon, Rainbows. Don’t be like that. It’s your Zeppy we’re talking about here! How about a little kissy-kiss for your new hubby?”

“What?!” Rainbow Dash recoiled, and her chair nearly went over backwards. “I’m not the one looking for a husband! Applejack is!”

“You know, it’s cute how you keep up this little charade for your friends.” Zephyr Breeze flashed what was probably supposed to be his most charming grin, but looked more like he was going to pass a kidney stone. “But you don’t have to hide how you really feel about us, you know. I’m sure they’ve all guessed by now that you and I have—” he paused and threw his head back “—physics together.”

“Not since that incident in ninth grade, we haven’t,” Rainbow shot back.

“Um, I think he means chemistry,” Fluttershy noted.

“Just like baking soda and vinegar!” Pinkie added gleefully.

“Did you even bother to read the ad, or did you just follow where everypony else was going?” Rainbow asked.

“Oh, I read it, but c’mon. Let’s be real here,” Zephyr said with a bob of his eyebrows. “Sure, you put Applejack’s name in there, but we all know that it’s really you who’s been aching for a special somepony to call your own. That ad was a desperate call from you to me, and don’t even try to deny it, romantic as it might be. Just admit your true feelings, Rainbows.”

“Y’know, it’s amazing how completely and totally wrong you can be at times, Zeph.” Rainbow Dash rubbed the sides of her head in an apparent effort to quell a migraine, but she was getting no sympathy from her snickering friends in the matter. Even Harshwhinny couldn’t hold back a chortle or two, but she was able to control her amusement enough to interrupt the scene.

“As much as I hate to break this up, we simply don’t have time to let this continue. Mister Breeze, if you are here to court Rainbow Dash, then I must ask you to leave and to continue your romantic overtures at another time.”

“Oh, Ah dunno,” Applejack said with a smug grin. “Ah do appreciate a fella who can make me laugh, and Ah have been thinking about doin’ something different with my mane. What if Ah decide to give him a chance?”

“Applejack, if you let him” Rainbow jabbed a hoof at the still-smirking Zephyr Breeze “move on to the next round I’ll… I’ll…” she hesitated, then snorted. “I’ll do something. I just don’t know what.”

“Well, with that kind of a threat, Ah guess Ah ain’t got a choice,” Applejack said. “Sorry, Zephyr, but Miz Harshwhinny is right. Why don't you come back once this is all over, y’hear?”

“Oh, I’ll be back.” Zephyr slunk off the table and blew a kiss to Rainbow Dash. “Don’t you worry, Rainbows. Your Zeppy will always wait for you.”

Rainbow groaned. “Ugh, I’m gonna hurl, I swear.”





“Next,” Applejack called out as she frowned at the bottom of her empty coffee cup.

“Good Morning, Prince Blueblood,” Harshwhinny said, and Applejack’s eyes snapped up as Rarity let out a deep growl. “Is it safe to assume that things didn’t work out between you and Lady Chrysanthemum?”

“Our relationship came to a conclusion two days ago,” Blueblood said with a haughty sniff, but then he offered a soft smile. “Good morning, Miss Applej—”

“No. No, no, and no way under Celestia’s sun, no. Get him out of here,” Applejack instantly retorted.

“Really, Miss Applejack, there’s no need to be so callous and rude,” Blueblood said. 

Applejack stood, put both forehooves on the table, and leaned forward so she was nearly nose-to-nose with the so-called ‘noble.’ “Get yer lazy, good-for-nothing carcass out of here afore Ah kick it all the way back to Canterlot! You wouldn’t know a good day’s work if it bit you on your fat flank! Out! Out, you durned varmint!”

Blueblood beat a hasty retreat, and Rarity let out a satisfied grunt as he did so. “Serves him right, I say.”

“I take it there’s some bad blood between you and him?” Harswhinny asked, and Applejack nodded.

“Not yet, but if’n he comes back, Ah expect there to be a gallon or more spread out across the grass. We met once, and if we ever meet again, it’ll be too soon. Next!”





“Is it just me, or is the line of applicants getting longer?” Starlight Glimmer asked with a glance over the still sizable crowd.

“It’s not just you,” Väs replied. “We lost a bunch there at the beginning, but we’ve gained back the same amount as the day’s gone on.”

“Great.” Starlight snorted. “I should probably go check in at the school and make sure it hasn’t burned down or something. I’m sure Sunburst is taking care of everything, but he’s probably wondering why I’m not there.”

“I’ve got things under control here,” Väs said with a smile and a nod. “And even if I don’t, I’m sure Applejack, Princess Twilight, or Whinny will step in if need be. Go do what you need to, and don’t worry if you can’t make it back. Not your circus, not your monkeys.”

“Got it,” Starlight said with a chuckle. “I will try to get back here, though.”

“We’ll see you in a bit, then.”

Starlight nodded, then began her walk back into town. She was more than willing to help Applejack with this stallion issue, of course, but it would have been nice if she had known that this was going to happen. She was going to have to shuffle some evaluations around now, and possibly postpone the visit from King Thorax if this went on for more than a day or two, which seemed like a real possibility. The line of stallions waiting for their chance to woo the Element of Honesty still stretched past the farm and towards Ponyville proper, but at least they were in line now, and not milling around Ponyville and getting in the way.

Once she got into Ponyville, however, Starlight realized that things hadn’t gotten any less crowded. In fact, the humble hamlet looked like it had doubled in population, and it was hard to move through the crowds without bumping into somepony.

“Excuse me,” she said as she pushed past one stallion who was looking over Roseluck’s flower cart and sniffing the wares. 

“Oh! My apologies!” The kind fellow quickly twisted to get out of her way, but once she was past him, he moved back to look over the selection. “Say, do you happen to know which flowers Roseluck likes the most?”

“Roseluck? Aren’t you here for Applejack?” Starlight asked.

“Well, that’s why I came here originally,” the tan pony replied. “But then I saw the line, and I figured there was no point in trying. But when I came back into town to catch a train home, I saw the most perfect mare walking through town, and I followed her here. I really think I have a chance with her, but I need to do something to catch her attention first.”

“Oh,” Starlight said with a grin. “Well, to be honest, I’m not sure what her favorite flowers are. You could try asking her friends, Lily and Daisy. They should be running the shop with her.”

“Or, you could just ask me.” Roseluck cut into the conversation, and she giggled when the visitor blushed in embarrassment. 

“I guess I could, huh. I must look pretty stupid.”

“Nah, it’s kinda cute,” she said. “Nopony has ever really asked me what I like, to be honest. But if you’re trying to impress me, I actually like tulips the best. Roses are okay, but everypony wants them, so I’m around them all day long. They’ve kinda lost their charm at this point.”

“I’ll let you two talk this over,” Starlight said with a smile. “I gotta get to the school. Good luck with everything!”

The two of them thanked her as she trotted away, but Starlight only moved a few steps before stopping and turning to look over the slightly chaotic scene that was Ponyville at that moment. It was interesting to see the motley mess of males milling around, and she chuckled again as she watched a few attempts at flirtation among the local female population. By the fountain stood Lyra, who was giggling with a hoof to her mouth while a dark blue stallion put a hoof to his chest and proclaimed something unintelligible but probably terribly romantic, but the poor fool had no idea he was about to be pummeled by a very irate looking Bon Bon, who was marching herself over to the both of them with a furious scowl on her face. Amethyst Star was chatting with a greenish-grey stallion by the entrance to Quills and Sofas, Silverspeed was flying overhead with a brawny white pegasus who didn’t look familiar, and even Ditzy seemed to have picked up a noble-looking admirer as she walked towards the market.

Looks like this little stunt is going to turn out well for a lot of other ponies, even if it doesn't  for Applejack.

“Starlight! There you are,” Sunburst called out, and he motioned to the crowd as he walked up to her position. “So, did you find out what’s going on? Why are all these stallions here?”

“Oh, it’s nothing too serious,” Starlight said with a grin. “Turns out that ad in the paper this morning was real, and all these ponies are here in reply.”

“That ad saying that Applejack was looking for a husband?” Sunburst clarified, and Starlight nodded. “Really? That’s not just one of Rainbow Dash’s pranks?”

“Nope. But it looks like there’s a few studs who don’t want to continue their pursuit for Applejack, so they’re trying their luck in town instead.”

Sunburst glanced around again, a concerned look crossing his face. “Has… um, has anypony tried to talk to you?”

“Why?” Starlight batted her eyes at Sunburst and flashed a soft smile. “Afraid I might get swept off my hooves with some chocolates and a few romantic lines from a sappy love song?” 

Sunburst let out a nervous cough. “Well, no. I mean, not really. I was just thinking that… well, maybe I was…”

“C’mon.” Starlight nudged Sunburst and laughed. “You can buy me lunch, if you really want to, and fill me in on what I missed out on this morning at the school.”

“I’d like that,” Sunburst replied.





“Next. Next?” Applejack glanced round. “Where’s the next one?”

“Down here.” With considerable effort, a small colt managed to get his front hooves on the table and peer over. 

“Truffle?” Applejack gave Apple Bloom’s classmate a short frown. “What’re you doin’ here?”

“Mama said you’re the best cook in all of Ponyville,” said Truffle Shuffle with a quick licking of his lips. “If I’m your husband, can I have seconds every night at dinner?”

The collective “awww!” from the pony panel covered the collective feeling quite nicely. 

“Isn’t that just the most adorable thing you’ve ever heard?” Rarity proclaimed.

“Sorry, Truffle,” Applejack said. “You’re a mite bit young for me, and Ah sure don’t want to explain to your ma where those seconds are coming from. But Ah tell you what: next time you come over to play with Apple Bloom, Ah’ll sneak you an extra slice of pie. Just don’t tell anypony, got it?”

That offer seemed to greatly satisfy Truffle, if his huge grin was any indication. “Sweet! Thanks, Miss Applejack!” he dropped to the ground and scampered off. “Extra pie! I get extra pie!”

“I think you just made his day,” Harshwhinny noted with a grin. 

“Ah reckon so,” Applejack said with a nod, and she glanced down to her paper to make a note about her promise. 

“Who’s next?” Harshwhinny called out.

“Mister Cake!” spluttered Applejack. “What are you doing here?! You don’t think—”

“I’m just seeing if you or your friends need lunch,” said Carrot. “I mean, you’ve been out here all day without a chance to take a break, and you all must be getting hungry. It’s on Cup and me, no charge.”

“Oh! Oh.” Applejack looked to her friends, then back to him. “Well, that’s mighty kind of you, and Ah am feeling a little peckish.”

“Why don’t we take a short respite at this point?” Harshwhinny offered.

“Sounds good to me,” Rainbow said as she took the air and stretched all four legs at once.

“Very well. Let’s try to be back in fifteen minutes, shall we?”

“Uh, Applejack?” Big Mac’s voice came from behind as Applejack’s friends stood.

“‘Bout time you got here,” Applejack said with a snort. “Sugar Belle sick again?”

“Eeyup, but she’s feeling better now,” he said while he moved in front of the tables and looked over the crowd. “Um… what?”

“Yeah,” Apple Bloom chirped, and she jumped up on the table to get a better look. “Me and the other Crusaders woke up this mornin’ and found a whole mess of ponies walkin’ through town, and then Scootaloo’s Aunt Holiday tells us they’re all here to see you! What on earth is going on?”  

“It’s a long story,” Applejack said with a withering glare for Rainbow Dash. “Simply put, somepony decided to give my love life a kick in the flanks without telling me.”

“Hey, it wasn’t just me,” Rainbow Dash said defensively.

“Anywho, we’re trying to see if there’s a special somepony in this mess,” Applejack went on. “But while Ah’m busy with this, Ah need you two to go sort the first part of the harvest for me. Ah haven’t had a chance to touch it.”

Apple Bloom looked both ecstatic and confused. “Wait. You’re trying to find a special somepony? Ah didn’t think you were lookin’!”

“Ah wasn’t. Like Ah said, somepony decided to look for me. Someponies,” she corrected. "A whole passel of 'em."

“Well, Ah wanna help!” Apple Bloom announced. “Ah already got a sister-in-law, so why not a brother-in-law, too? What can Ah do?”

“Sort apples,” Applejack firmly repeated. 

“What?! Ah, c’mon!” Apple Bloom protested.

“Sorry, sugarcube, but that’s what Ah need right now, so we don't get even further behind with the deliveries. Miz Harshwhinny and Mister Crystal Väs are taking care of the crowd, so there’s nothing for you to do. Now run along. Ah should have this crowd thinned out some by the time you get done, and then maybe you can help me with the second round of interviews.”

“Aw, all right.” Apple Bloom pouted, but she hopped down and began to trudge over to the barn. “But it’s so unfair!”

“You sure you’re gonna be okay?” Big Mac said. “Ah don’t like the thought of leaving you alone with all these studs.”

“Ah’ll be fine. I got my friends here and Miz Harshwhinny. Nothing’s going to happen. Besides, this can be your punishment for leaving so much of the work for me to do,” Applejack said with a sly grin. “If Ah need either of you, Ah’ll be sure to holler.”

“All right,” Big Mac said. “But you need to explain all of this later, too.”

“Ah will, don’t worry,” Applejack said, but then a thought came that made her smirk. “Y’know, Sugar Belle seems to be sick a lot in the mornin’, but improves as the day goes on. D’ya think it’s possible that there’s a specific reason for that?”

Big Mac tilted his head. “Whatdya mean?”

Applejack rolled her eyes. She loved her older brother, but he could be a bit thick sometimes, especially when it came to love. “Ah mean, has it occurred to you at all that Sugar Belle might be carrying a new apple for our family tree?”

“What? Naw,” Big Mac scoffed, then sat and tapped the tips of his hooves together. “She can’t be. She and Ah… well, we have been, of course, but… well, there’s… no, but… well, Ah suppose she could, since we ain’t been using… but she ain’t… um…”

“You might want to consider getting her in to see a doctor,” Applejack smugly said. “And if she is, we'll need to get to work on that extra bedroom for your house right soon, too.”

“Eeyup.” Big Mac’s head dipped, and he glanced around sheepishly. “But don’t tell anypony, all right?”

“Ah won’t say a word to nopony.”

“Thanks. Ah’ll get an appointment set up soon as Ah get done sorting.”

“Sounds mighty fine to me. Good luck.”

“So, Big Macintosh finally decided to show up, did he?” Rarity asked Applejack as Big Mac moved towards the barn. “And just what were you two talking about?”

“Oh, just this and that,” Applejack replied while taking in a long breath, but then her gaze moved to a broad and well-toned black stallion near the front of the line, and she let out a long, low whistle. It was impossible to keep her eyes from drifting over his sleek and decadently chocolate brown coat, those taut muscles barely hidden beneath the surface, and his trim, sleek lines. Her heart began to race when his deep blue eyes slowly drifted over to meet hers, and she nickered despite herself when his thick and luxuriant black mane began to gently flow and cascade in the breeze. “Hoo-wee! Take a look at that tall drink of water! Now that’s a pony who could buck apples.”

“Perhaps,” Rarity said with an indifferent shrug. “But most likely not.”

This opinion confused the farmer, and she gave her friend a questioning glance. “Really? He looks mighty fine to me. In fact, he looks just like the feller who’s on the cover of most of those romance novels. Ah suppose Ah could go talk to him while we wait for the others to get back.”

“Oh, I’ve already had a brief conversation with him.” Rarity sniffed and stuck her nose in the air. “I’m afraid I used up his entire vocabulary while doing so.”

“Dumb as a post?” Applejack succinctly asked.

“I would not insult a post by comparing one to that cad,” Rarity replied. 

“Shame. Still, he’d look right nice out in the orchard, effortlessly buckin’ a whole tree with just one hoof, a thin glazin’ of delightful perspiration evenly spread across his withers and flanks…”

Rarity merely glared back with a look that spoke volumes, plus several sequels, about how romance novel models did not match up to expectations.

“So, what can I get for you two?” Mister Cake asked, licking the tip of a pencil and flipping to a blank page in his order book.

“I would positively love a light salad,” Rarity said. “Perhaps something with just a touch of balsamic vinaigrette, but none of that useless, froo-froo lettuce?”

“Your usual, then,” Mister Cake said while writing the order down. “And you?”

“Just surprise me,” Applejack said. “My day’s been going that way anyway.”

“Got it. I’ll bring those back just as soon as I can.”

“Hey, are you taking lunch orders?” A stallion called out. “Any chance you could bring me a daffodil sandwich?”

“Oo! I’d like some spring rolls, if you’ve got ‘em,” another pony called out.

“This might take a bit,” Mister Cake said to Applejack as he wrote the orders down. 

“Not a problem, Mister Cake. Ah’ll be here all day.”

Mister Cake nodded, then moved into the crowd to catch the orders that were flying at him at a rapid pace. Rarity sighed as she watched him move away, a wistful, almost jealous look on her face.

“Honest, pragmatic, compassionate, with good business sense—”

“And married,” added Applejack. “Ah have never been so envious of another mare in my life. Next!”





“Brambles?” Applejack let out a small whinny of alarm as the trespasser from earlier gingerly took a seat before her. “You’re still here?”

“I am,” Brambles said with a wry grin. “If I may, I’d like to have another chance, Miss Applejack. I think we got off on the wrong foot this morning.”

“You busted into my house,” she flatly stated.

“I did, but I did not know you were unaware of the advertisements that had been placed in the paper. If I had known that, I would have waited in line. I only broke in because I was trying to impress you and get ahead of the competition.”

A small twinge of confusion stung Applejack’s heart. “You were?”

He nodded. “Of course. A stallion needs to do whatever he can to stand out, I’ve learned.”

Applejack snorted. “Fine. I’ll give you another chance, but you’re on thin ice! Go wait by the barn.”

Brambles stood and nodded. “Thank you. I appreciate your generosity.”

“He broke into your house?” Twilight asked.

“Eeyup,” Applejack said. “Like he said, he was just trying to impress me. Next!”

A light grey pony then stepped forward, with clear teal eyes that caught Applejack’s attention as soon as they met hers. His mane was a messy mop of black that would never be tamed by brush or comb, and he gave his prospective bride a confused look as he approached.

“Name?” Harshwhinny asked.

“Huh? Oh! My name is Beetle,” he said softly, but then his head tilted slightly. “Forgive me for asking, but why are you doing this?”

“Huh?” Applejack said. “Whatdya mean?”

“Well, I mean, why are you doing all of these interviews now?” he clarified. “I can tell you’re exhausted and you’re clearly not very happy about all of this. Why didn’t you tell everypony to come back after you’d gotten some sleep?”

“Well, Ah gotta get rid of everypony. Can’t get any work done otherwise. Not much time for breaks around here,” she noted. "So, what's your story? Why'd you wanna get hitched?"

“To be honest, I’m not really interested in courting you,” Beetle said. “But I kinda have to, so here I am.”

Rarity made as if to respond, then tilted her head slightly and looked at the disheveled stallion as if she were considering just where to apply the clippers.

Harshwhinny, however, was obviously not pleased with her time being wasted. “Mister Beetle, if you’re not serious—”

“I am serious,” Beetle defended, but then he snorted. “All right, look. I don’t know the first thing about apple farms. I’d be a horrible choice, but if you did pick me, I’m willing to learn and to follow any orders you give me, no matter how difficult or unpleasant they might be. I won’t talk back, I won’t complain. But I also won’t lose any sleep if you reject me, either. I’ve got bigger problems.”

Applejack leaned back in her chair and chewed on the end of her pencil. Somehow, she could feel Beetle’s sincerity, and she appreciated his honest confession of his motives. He looked pretty lean, too, and with a bit of training, he’d probably be able to take care of most anything that needed to be done. There was a curious sort of tingle in her chest, and the feeling brought a small smile to her lips as it spread through her body. 

“Fair enough, Beetle. You’re in.”

Beetle tilted his head in confusion. “Wait, really? Why?”

Applejack nodded. “Why not? Go wait over by the barn, and for extra credit, you can help Apple Bloom and Big Mac sort apples.”

Beetle cocked one eyebrow. “Oooh-kay. I guess I’ll go help them out.”

“And the batter thickens!” Pinkie Pie proclaimed as Beetle walked away. “Looks like Applejack has a clear favorite!”

“Ah do not. Ah just want to get those apples taken care of. Who’s next?” Applejack asked, but then she leaned back in surprise. “Autumn Blaze? What are you doing here?”

The kirin before her chuckled. “I’m not Autumn Blaze,” the rich baritone of a male danced along the breeze and tenderly touched Applejack’s ears. “But she sends her greetings, and she wanted me to ask if she could stop by next week to visit.”

“Wait. You’re a guy?” Rainbow Dash asked while glancing over at Fluttershy. “That dude looks like a lady! No offense, dude.”

“None taken.” The kirin laughed again. "We male kirins got used to being confused for females a long time ago."

“All kirin look nearly alike,” Fluttershy explained with a soft smile. “They don’t have the eyelashes of mares, but other than coat and mane color, even we have difficulties picking out individuals. I’m certain it can be rather embarrassing at times,” Fluttershy admitted.

“Just ask Väs about the first time hemet a kirin,” Harshwinny added with a chuckle.   

“My name is Smoky Mountains,” the kirin added with a small bow. “Autumn Blaze is my twin sister. I hope this isn’t too unsettling for you?”

Unsettling wasn’t a strong enough word for what Applejack was feeling. “Twin?”

“Technically, I’m three minutes older,” Smoky said. “But we are fraternal twins, yes.”

“But… you look exactly…” Applejack shook the thoughts about identical fraternal twins from her head before they jammed the inner workings of her overstressed mind. “Okay. Twins. So, what brings you here?”

“A desire to find my soulmate,” Smoky said. “I’ve never felt any particular attraction to my fellow kirin, I’m sorry to say, but my heart was doing backflips in my chest when I first saw you in our village. Dependable, honest, hard-working, and not afraid to speak her mind? How could I resist such a marvelous mare? I wanted to talk to you, but sadly, you left before I could get my hooves on the silence antidote. I simply bemoaned my fate after that, but when I saw your ad, my whole world changed for the better. I know my appearance is unconventional by pony standards, but don’t judge this book by the cover. Please give me the chance to show you how much I care.”

Harshwhinny rang her bell. “Time’s up. Applejack?”

“Well, um…” she stammered. This was stickier than a batch of molasses, and for the first time that day, Applejack was unsure of the decision she should make. On the one hoof, Smoky Mountains seemed charming and sincere, but on the other hoof, he could pass himself off as his sister. The dichotomy between his voice and his looks was drastic enough to hurt her head, and she mumbled something while she tried to sort out what to do with him.

“Well?” Harshwhinny pressed. 

“Okay!” she proclaimed, and she snapped to a decision, for better or for worse. “You’re in! Just… just go wait over there.”

“Thank you,” Smoky said with a broad grin. “You won’t regret this, I promise.”

“Ah already am,” she muttered under her breath as he  sauntered away, and she began to rub the side of her head. “Maybe Ah could get him to pluck his eyelashes or somethin’.”

“Well, that was weird,” Rainbow Dash said. 

“Ugh,” Applejack grunted in agreement. “This kinda thing is why Ah never tried dating before now.”

“You know, the problem might be with how we’re playing the game,” Rainbow suggested.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, what if we’re not using the right set of rules, y’know?” Rainbow smirked. “Maybe you’re swinging for the other team, and that’s why you’re having such a hard time accepting that she’s really a he.”

Applejack sat there for a moment, a thoughtful look on her face. Then, without a word, she simply leaned over and kissed Rainbow Dash square on the lips. 

Rainbow let out a muffled squawk of indignation and surprise, but only for a brief second. After several long moments of apple-flavored smackeroo, however, Rainbow pulled back and gave her friend a confused look. 

“You know what? That was actually kinda… disappointing. Like, I didn’t enjoy that. At all.”

Applejack nodded. “Eeyup. Next!” 





“Okay, Ah’ll give you a shot,” Applejack said with a yawn. “You know where to go.”

“Thank you, Missus Applejack! You’ve made me so happy!”

“Ah bet so,” she mumbled before taking in a deeper yawn and rubbing her eyes. “We just about done yet?”

“Believe it or not, but that was the last applicant,” Väs said while walking up to the group. “We’re all done.”

“Just in time, too,” Twilight said. “It’s time for me to lower the sun.”

“Shoot, Ah thought we’d never see the end of all of them.” Applejack glanced over to the barn and took count of how many stallions had made the cut while Twilight pulled out her magical widget and took care of her duties. “So, we’re left with, what? Thirty ponies or so?”

“Thirty-two,” Ms. Harshwhinny replied. “You were quite efficient today, I must admit.”

“Yeah, but Ah don’t ever wanna do that again. So, Ah guess Ah just need to figure out which one to keep now, Ah suppose.”

“Indeed, but there is no obligation on your part,” Harshwhinny said. “Those thirty-two ponies over there may have caught your interest, but that does not mean that any of them will win your heart. Väs and I will be certain to inform them of this fact before we go.”

“Aw, you have to leave already?” Pinkie said with a pout. “But you just got here, and I didn’t get to throw you a welcome back party!”

“I wish we could stay, but I must get to Mustangia. They are one of the finalists for the upcoming Equestria Games, and I have to complete my inspection. However, if you would like, I might be able to return after I finish.”

“Naw, Ah’m sure Ah can get things sorted out from here,” Applejack said. “If something does come up, Ah’ll send you another letter.”

Harshwhinny nodded, and she grinned as Väs pecked her cheek. “We should get going," he said. "The last train out leaves in about twenty minutes.”

“Thanks again for all your help, Miz Harshwhinny.” Applejack doffed her hat and shook hooves. “Ah’d be in an awful pickle if you hadn’t come along.”

“Not a problem at all, Applejack. I wish you success in your search, and please let me know how things turn out. I’m curious to see if anypony catches your eye.”

“Ah sure will.”  

“I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to Ms. Harshwhinny being married,” Rainbow Dash said, but she chuckled with her friends when Väs playfully bumped her, and she returned the favor. “But, they are a cute couple, I guess.”

“Indeed,” Rarity added. “But now we must focus on Applejack and her own cute couple status!”

“Haven’t y’all interfered enough already?” Applejack moaned.

“Well, the odds are in your favor,” Twilight said while floating over several sheets of paper filled with her usual tight and tiny hen scratches. “I’ve correlated the data, evaluated the trends, adjusted the calculations to eliminate bias, and extrapolated the information to your potential paramours.”

Applejack blinked. “Say what now?”

“Using the information I’ve collected, I can tell you who you’re most compatible with,” Twilight said with a slight roll of her eyes. “According to my research, you go from a seventy-eight percent compatibility rating with Beetle down to a negative three percent compatibility with Caramel.”

“How in Equestria did you figure out… never mind,” Applejack said. “If Ah finish that question, you’ll drag your fancy mathematics into this and make everything even more muddled.” 

“Statistics never lie,” Twilight said with a bit of a defensive edge in her voice, but then she smiled. “But don’t worry. I’ve made arrangements to stay in Ponyville tonight, and I’ll walk you through all of the data tomorrow, so you can make the best decision possible.”

“Ah do greatly appreciate that, but are you sure you don’t need to get back to Canterlot?” Applejack asked, and Twilight scoffed.

“I’m sure. The only thing I had for tomorrow was a bunch of boring meetings. Budgetary analysis, infrastructure reports, tax reform, blah blah blah.”

“Um, that actually sounds like it’s really important,” Fluttershy interjected.

“Trust me, it’s not. At least, it's not as important as finding one of my best friends a special somepony!” Twilight cheerfully pulled Applejack into a hug. “So! When do you want me to come over tomorrow?”

“Yes, when should we come over and bring you breakfast for a change?” Rarity added. “We did put you in this predicament, after all, so it’s only fair that we should assist you to the end of it.”

“You just wanna keep playing matchmaker,” Applejack noted with a huff, and she glanced at the barn. “Let’s say eight. That’ll give me some time to take care of my chores and such. Guess Ah need to find a place to put up them studs for the night, too.”

“Leave that to me,” Twilight said. “There’s more than enough room in the Castle of Friendship, and I’m sure Starlight won’t mind.”

“Sounds fine to me. Ah’ll see you all in the mornin’, then.” 

Applejack shared smiles and hugs with her friends before they each left for their own accommodations, but once they were out of earshot, she let out a long breath. Despite all of the surprises and consternations that had come with the day, she actually felt rather good about everything, and she even dared to think that maybe, just maybe, she was going to meet her special somepony. 

It wasn’t a conventional way to find your future husband, sure, but her parents had an unconventional courtship too, and everything had worked out for them, with a little bit of work and a lot of love.

“At the very least, things should settle down now,” Applejack said as she moved to check on Big Mac and Apple Bloom. “Ah don’t know how things could get any worse.”
 

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