Applejack was predictable.
She preferred it that way. So did her friends, and most of Ponyville.
Predictable, reliable, honest, and most recently, overworked to the point that even she was about to admit it.
And just as predictable to the ponies who knew her, she was going to fight that admission like a starved bear, wrestle with it, kick it around, stomp it a few times, and eventually, in her own way, admit that it might be just a teensy bit true.
She was the Element of Honesty after all, but if there was an Element of Pig-Headed Stubbornness, she would wear that one too. And proudly.
So, mornings at Sweet Apple Acres were just as predictable as Applejack herself. Today was no different, and the steadfast farmer sighed a little as she idly flipped the last flapjack in her pan. It would only take another minute or so to cook the doughy side to a delicious golden brown, and once that was done, breakfast proper could begin.
And, right on cue, Apple Bloom appeared at the bottom of the stairs with a yawn and a healthy sniff of the pleasant aromas in the kitchen. âMorninâ, Sis.â
âMorninâ,â Applejack replied, and she tossed the completed flapjack onto a nearby plate. âHowâd you sleep last night, sugarcube?â
âBetter than the night before.â Apple Bloom sidled up to the table, and she speared several more flapjacks from the offered stack with a fork, then moved them to her plate. âBut ah was still kinda restless.â
Applejack nodded. âAh heard you tossing and turning. Truth be told, ah didnât get much shut-eye, neither.â
âYou got some pretty dark circles under your eyes,â Applebloom noted with a small bite. âThose sleepinâ pills ainât worked very well, have they?â
âNah. Ah just stopped takinâ them. They werenât doing no good, so thereâs no point.â
The sisters paused, and for a brief moment, Applejackâs heart began to beat just a bit faster. At this point in the routine, Granny Smith was due to make her appearance, complete with grumbling about some new ache, old ache, new leak, or all three together. The elderly matron of the Apple Clan would then shuffle into her customary chair, grab the maple syrup, and drown the morning meal in liquid sugar while thanking Applejack for the meal.
But after that brief moment had passed without Granny Smithâs warm smile appearing in the doorway, Applejack sat in her own chair and took a moment to straighten the polka-dot bandana that now made its home around her neck.
The two ponies ate the meal without sharing any more conversation. Neither of them wanted to address the elephant that was in the room, and Applejack wished for a moment that the chirping birds outside would turn up their volume, so the silence wouldnât be so deafening.
âIt just ainât the same, is it?â Apple Bloom finally said in a soft, thoughtful voice. âAh still miss her somethinâ fierce.â
The sisterâs gaze moved to the empty chair at the head of the table in unison. It had remained exactly where it was for the last six months, and there was a good chance it wouldnât move again.
âDo you think weâll ever get used to this?â Apple Bloom went on, and Applejack shook her head.
âNot for a long while, but thatâs okay. Weâre allowed to miss her. Just shows how much we loved her, and how much she loved us.â
âYeah. Ah bet Ma and Pa are happy to see her again.â
âAh reckon so, too.â Applejack grinned a little with the thought, but then she nodded to the sizable stack of flapjacks in front of the youngest Apple. âBest get to eatinâ. Donât want to be late for school.â
Applebloom hesitated, then nudged the plate away with her hoof. âAhâm not all that hungry this morning. If itâs okay, Ahâm gonna head out and get my chores done.â
âRun along then,â Applejack said. âAhâll clean everything up here.â
Apple Bloom stood, moved to the back door, and picked up her saddlebags. Her hoof went to the doorknob, but halfway there, it stopped, and she turned to face Applejack. âYâknow, maybe Ah should stay here and help out with the harvest,â she offered. âMiss Cheerilee wonât mind if Ah miss a day.â
âThatâs mighty thoughtful of you, but ah can handle everything here. Big Mac will be over in a few to give me a hoof, too. Donât you fret none.â
âAll right.â Apple Bloom opened the door, stepped onto the back porch and turned to pull the door shut. âAhâll see you this afternoon, then.â
âHave fun, and say âHiâ to the Crusaders for me,â Applejack said.
Apple Bloom nodded with a small smile, and Applejack drew in a long breath as the door shut. Losing Granny Smith had been a terrible blow for the family, but Applejack suspected that Apple Bloom was feeling the loss more keenly than herself or Big Mac. Oh, she hid the pain pretty well, especially for one so young, but there were times when the elder sister could tell that the emotions were deep and raw.
But it would pass, as all things did. The Apples had learned how to move on with life after Bright Mac and Buttercup, and they would do so again without Granny Smith.
Applejack took another bite of flapjacks and reached for the morning newspaper. Granny had always enjoyed looking over the news of the dayâeven if the ânewsâ was nothing more than a report on Roseluckâs latest fainting spellâand the subscription had been prepaid for a full year, and Applejack hated to waste the bits, so she had taken to at least looking over the headlines before getting started with her day.
She had a few more minutes to spare, anyway. The south forty needed to be harvested today, but she was going to need Big Macâs help to get everything in, sorted, and to market in time. They were going to be cutting it close, however, and while Applejack was happy that her elder brother had found his special somepony, it did mean he had less time for the farm. His mornings were now mostly occupied with Sugar Belle,â˝*âž and as time went on, his appearance in the fields was growing later and later.
â˝*âžAnd what they did with that time was absolutely none of her business.
â
Of course, Sugar Belle always came to offer what assistance she could, but she was a baker at heart, not a farmer. While she could buck trees and carry baskets, she just didnât have the strength or the stamina yet, nor the skill that the Apples had gained after years of working the farm, day in and day out. She could cook an apple fritter that would make mouths water from here to Canterlot, but she just couldnât keep up with her husband and sister-in-law.
Then again, Sugar Belle and Pinkie Pie had quickly become best friends, and it was clear that Sugar Belleâs happiness would always increase as the distance between her and an oven decreased.
As she mulled these thoughts over, Applejack idly flipped to the classified section and began to skim. While she had always resisted the notion of hiring outside help, she had to admit that having a crew to assistâeven for just a week or twoâwould be an immense help. Day laborer griffons tended to be cheap and could be hired by the hour, but she would have to make sure they didnât abscond with any of the baskets, tools, or other supplies. Hippogriffs were more expensiveâhaving been unionized during their return to Mount Arisâbut were more trustworthy overall.
Whoever she picked, she was going to have to account for a day or two for training. Bucking apples was the fastest and most straightforward way to harvest a tree, but even earth ponies needed to be shown how and where to kick, or else all one would have is sore legs and dented wood. Griffons and griffsâ ability to fly would seem like an asset at first glance, since they could go up to the level of the apples themselves, but they were slowed considerably by being able to only pick one apple at a time, and then dropping it down without bruising or splitting the fruit open.
In the midst of this musing, Applejackâs eye was caught by a large advertisement on the far right of the page. It was impossible to miss, since the large, nearly quarter-page sized box was already circled with a deep red and opened with a bold MARES! as a sort of headline. Without really thinking about what she was doing, Applejack began to read.
DO YOU:
âfeel lonely and destitute?
âfind yourself longing for domestic tranquility, but have no special stallion to call your own?
âdesire a helpmeet and a companion, a stallion who can ensure your continued comfort in perpetual felicity?
A great many of the fairer sex, through no fault of their own, have found the delights of matrimony have been withheld from them. A good stallion, it is said, is as rare as the midnight sun, and for those many unhappy ladies who have not found their treasured special somepony, life can be most glum and disappointing.
Dear friends! Across our fair land, and beyond our borders, many a stallion finds himself in exactly the same position that you find yourself in at this very moment! Indeed, many honorable and morally upright studs long for the comforting touch of a mare in their life, and are hopeful that YOU might be the answer to all of their longings!
With our large pool of potential prospects, we can produce a stallion that will be a perfect match to whatever your particular tastes and desires may be for a potential future husband. All of our offerings are healthy and fit, screened for disease and guaranteed to be well-behaved, clean, and eager to provide for your happiness!
It is no exaggeration to say that we have every type of stallion possible for you! We have strong, young stallions fresh from the apple orchards of Appleoosa, intelligent and soft-spoken studs from the great academic halls of our leading institutes and universities in Manehattan and Baltimare, and even those of royal stock and noble blood, straight from Canterlot itself!
But perhaps your tastes tend to the exotic and the rare? Then you are in luck, friend! We also have a large selection of kirin, hippogriff, zebra, griffon, and even changeling stallions for you to select from, each one eager to start a new life with YOU!
Simply send us a list with your specific requests for an ideal match, and one of our representatives will be in contact with you within a week to present your new husband to you!
DONâT KNOW WHAT TYPE YOU WANT?
Never fear! Simply write to us with your contact information, and we will be happy to make arrangements for a range of potential spouses to be brought right to your doorstep!
Contact us today!
F.F. Services, L.L.C.
âOf all the ridiculous nonsense!â Applejack folded up the newspaper and tossed it on top of the outgoing mail pile. âImagine, ordering a husband out of some catalogue, like he was a new plow or a gross of nails!â
Applejack snorted, stood, and stuffed the mail and the newspaper into her saddlebags. If she had enough time to read about absurd offers for custom ordered stallions, then she was being far too idle and needed to get to work. The morning dishes needed to be cleaned, Winona needed to be fed, and there were more than enough trees that needed to be harvested.
Besides, âF.F.â probably referred to Flim and Flam, those perpetually deceitful brothers of infamous fame. Whatever they had to offer, she didnât want to have any part of, and she hoped that if those two were extorting some poor, lovesick males with promises of a mate that they would soon see through the ruse.
âMail-order grooms. What a load of horseapples!â she proclaimed.
Applejack blew out a sharp note of annoyance as she bucked the tree behind her, and her eyes went to the afternoon sun as the apples dropped.
Big Macintosh was late. Very late.
So late, in fact, that at this point, he might as well not bother coming out to the fields. While Applejack was sure her brother had some valid excuse, his absence coupled with the heat of the day and the amount of the work that needed to be done equaled out to one extremely irate sister, and he was going to get an earful from her later.
If she ever got done with the harvest, of course. While she was making good time, the amount of remaining work for the day meant that she was going to be out well past midnight, and still have to be up before dawn the next morning to sort and separate what sheâd collected. Then she had to somehow get her goods to market, which was going to take precious time away from the fields, to say nothing of feeding the pigs and the chickens, andâŚ
Applejack sighed, and she moved to the barrel of water that sheâd packed out on the wagon with her. Stubborn as she was, she could see the hen scratches on the barn wall plainly enough, and the scratches said that she was going to have to hire some help.
Even just one pony would make a world of difference, she thought as she pulled a cup from the saddlebags that were resting next to the barrel, filled it, and took a long drink. Big Mac and herself had managed to hold down the farm by themselves, for the most part, and once she could get somepony fully trained, the chores would practically handle themselves.
With a snort, the overworked farmer pulled the newspaper sheâd brought in her bags, flipped open to the classifieds again, and began to look for anypony who was looking for a job.
âHey, A.J! Where are you?â
âDown here, Dash!â Applejack called out, and her eyes swept the sky for her prismatic friend. Hoof falls nearby brought her gaze back to the ground, and she was mildly surprised when Rainbow Dash appeared from behind a tree, all four hooves on the ground.
Her smile grew when she saw that Rainbow had not come alone. âAfternoon to ya, everypony. What brings yâall out here?â
âYou, darling,â Rarity said with a small pout as she, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie approached. âToday was supposed to be our spa day, remember? Iâm afraid youâve already missed it.â
âShoot. Ah knew ah was forgettinâ something. Sorry about that,â Applejack said. âAhâve been so busy with my chores around here that it just slipped my mind. Guess Iâll just need to take a raincheck on that for now.â
âDo you need some assistance, dear?â Rarity asked. âAnd where is Big Macintosh? Donât tell me he left all of this work for you intentionally!â
âNah, somethinâ musta come up,â said Applejack. âHe was supposed to be here a fewâwell, a lot of hours ago. Ahâd be right grateful for the help, ifân yâall donât mind haulinâ these bushels to the wagon.â
âOf course!â Rarityâs magic sprang to life, but she grunted with effort when she lifted the bushel nearest to her up. âMy! It seems like youâve had a bumper crop this year!â she huffed.
âTainât been too bad, ah reckon,â Applejack said with a nod.
âSo, how are you going to get all of these harvested?â Rainbow Dash asked. âI mean, if Big Mac is going to keep bailing on you, youâre gonna have to do something. Isnât Apple Bloom supposed to be out here, too?â
âSheâll come help once she gets done with her homework this afternoon,â Applejack replied as she set an empty bushel under the next tree. âBut Ah donât want her education to suffer âcause of whatâs going on âround here. Granny was hoping sheâd go to college and get some agricultural degree or another. Sheâd always say thereâd always be time to harvest, but there wouldnât always be time to get her schoolinâ in.â
There was a slight hesitation from her friends at the mention of Granny Smith, but it was Fluttershy who spoke up first. âHow have you been doing since she⌠um, well, you knowâŚâ
âWeâre doing well as can be expected. Apple Bloom still misses her somethinâ fierce. Big Macâs doing a bit better, since he has Sugar Belle to look after, but even soâŚâ Applejack trailed off, and her gaze went distant for a moment. âWell, ah guess itâs just a day-by-day kinda thing. Some days are good, some days ainât. Just the way these things go.â
âThat tells us how your family is doing, but what about you?â Rarity repeated, with a sharp inhale as she hoisted up the next bushel in her magic.
âMe? Ahâm doinâ all right, Ah reckon. Ah miss Granny too, but Ah keep myself occupied with chores and such.â
âYeah, but thereâs waaaay too much farm here for one pony!â Pinkie Pie bounded by, a basket of apples somehow balanced on her head. âAnd we donât want a repeat of the baked bads, now do we? DO WE?!â
âNo, sure donât want that.â Applejack glanced to the remaining trees and heaved another sigh. âReckon Ahâll just have to hire some help, thatâs all.â
âOr,â Rainbow Dash cut in with a note of deviousness in her voice as she began to jump on a tree, âyou could always find yourself a special somepony, like how Big Mac did.â
âAw, donât you get goinâ on that olâ line again!â Applejack protested. âAh swear, ever since Big Mac and Sugar Belle got hitched, you and Rarity have just about chewed both my ears off with that suggestion.â
âWeâre only trying to take care of our friend,â Rarity said as she began to hoist a basket, dropped it, and then went for a smaller one nearby. âYou must admit that life would be much easier if you were to obtain a lasting commitment from somepony strong, well-mannered, and eager to please. He, naturally, should be of even temperament, soft-spoken but firm in conviction, broad and well-toned, with a dark coat, piercing gray eyes and a long, flowing black mane. I can just see him now, deftly bucking these trees with only one rear hoof, a thin glazing of delightful perspiration evenly spread across his withers and flanks, and a soft, inviting grin when he sees you striding towards him, a nicker of delight rising from deep within his chest as he gallops to meet youâŚâ
âAh think youâre tryinâ to make one of your harlequin romance studs real again there,â Applejack snarked as the others snickered. ââSides, stallion like thatâd dumb as a post and only interested in keeping himself lookinâ prim and proper like. If Ah was goinâ to get hitchedâand Ah ainât sayinâ that Ah am, so donât look so eagerâAhâd want somepony who ainât got a problem with an honest dayâs work.â
âBut just think of all the little Apples!â Pinkie Pie said while cartwheeling by.
âOh, theyâd be so adorable,â Fluttershy agreed with a dreamy grin. âA whole bushel of tiny foals, so precious and soft!â
âAh ainât a rabbit, Shy,â Applejack said with a roll of her eyes. âAhâm pretty sure Ah wouldnât have a litter of foals.â
âOh, I know. But one at a time would work. And then, the older kids could help take care of all the little fillies and colts youâd have!â
âExactly how many kids are you expectinâ me to have?â Applejack asked, but then she shook her head. âNever mind. Ahâm sure Ah donât want to know the answer to that.â
âAll weâre saying is that you should give the idea a chance,â Rarity said, her magic snagging apples from the air as Rainbow Dash bounced them loose. âWeâve all seen how happy Big Mac is with Sugar Belle, and we just want the same for you, dear.â
âHey!â Pinkie suddenly popped up with Applejackâs newspaper in her hooves. âI know what you should do, Applejack! You should totally get yourself one of these mail-ordered groomstallions from this ad!â
âNo way, no how,â Applejack said with a snort. âAh saw that earlier, and thatâs the most ridiculous thing Ahâve ever seen.â
âPinkie does have a point, yâknow.â Rainbow Dash swooped down and snatched the paper away for a closer look. âThis looks pretty legit to me. Since you canât find anypony here locally, why not get yourself somepony from a few towns away?â
âBecause Ah ainât about to go and buy a stallion at the hardware store while Ahâm ordering more shovels, hoes, and branch trimmers,â Applejack flatly replied.
âWell then, donât think of it that way,â Rarity offered as she studied the advertisement from over Rainbowâs shoulder. âLook, it says they can provide a diverse range of stallions to choose from. How is this different from, say, a dating service?â
Applejack couldnât think of a proper reply to that, so she just grumbled and bucked a nearby tree.
âI think itâs a good idea,â Fluttershy added. âAnd we can all help you pick out somepony special just for you.â
âYeah!â Rainbow Dash said. âWeâll all make sure you donât get stuck with some old geezer whoâs just trying to steal your bits!â
âCome on,â Rarity cajoled, and she flashed her brightest smile to her friend. âWhat have you got to lose?â
âWhatâs left of my sanity, for one thing,â Applejack snorted. âLook, will yâall leave me alone about this gettinâ hitched thing if Ah look over a few of the stallions theyâre advertisinâ here?â
âSure thing,â said Rainbow. âIf you actually look over some of the selection and canât find somepony whoâll be good for you, weâll all leave you alone. Right girls?â
The other three nodded and affirmed they would stop, with huge grins and the pantomime motions of a Pinkie Promise from all.
âFine. When Ah get some time later on, Ahâll send off a letter. Now can we please drop the subject and get back to harvestin?â
âYouâre late,â Applejack said with a snort.
Big Macâs heavy hoof falls thundered on the kitchen floor, and with a large whumph, he plopped down in the chair across the table from the annoyed sister. âEeyup.â
âAh was wondering if youâd even bother coming over at all today.â
âSugar was sick,â Big Mac replied, a hoof rubbing the back of his neck. âAh meant to come, but Ah just couldnât leave her. Sheâs been throwing up all day.â
Applejack harrumphed, but only slightly and in a subdued tone. âShe feelinâ better now?â
âEeyup.â
âGood. Ahâd hate for you to be here while she still needs you.â Applejack drew in a long breath, held it for a moment, then let it out and put all of her irritation with it. âWell, canât be helped, Ah suppose. Why donât you go sort what you can for an hour or two. Ahâll get somethinâ mild and warm whipped up for you to take back once youâre done.â
Big Mac grinned as he stood. âThanks. Sugar will appreciate that.â
Applejack nodded, and she watched her brother for a few moments as he marched himself out the back door and over to the barn. She wasnât surprised about the reason for Big Macâs absence, and she knew that heâd made the right decision. Family always came first in the Apple Clan, and Big Macâs first duty was to his wife, then to his sisters.
Besides, Applejack was now only a few days behind, thanks to the help from her friends. If she just put in a little more effort and worked a few more hours each day, she was sure she could get caught up in short order. That would save her from having to hire outside help, and her eyes flicked to the newspaper on the table as the thought went through her head.
Her eyes once again drifted to the bold advertisement for mail-order grooms, and she rolled her eyes. She really did not need a husband, but she was getting tired of the endless pushing and prodding from her friendsâand from Rainbow Dash, in particularâand she had kinda-sorta promised to writeâŚ
âAh canât believe Ahâm actually doing this.â Applejack stood, produced a pencil, an envelope, and a blank sheet of paper from the nearby pantry cupboard, and sat down again. âBest to just get it out of the way, Ah suppose. Shame to waste the stamp, but they ainât ever going to stop if Ah donât take care of this now.â
It only took a moment for Applejack to fill out the envelope and to compose a short letter explaining her interest and her need for a good, hard-working stallion who could buck apples, tend to farm animals, and take care of the upkeep that was needed to keep Sweet Apple Acres running. Once she was done, Applejack sealed the envelope, put it on the new outgoing mail pile with the bills, and grabbed a pot to start making supper.
âAh still say itâs all a bunch of hooey,â Applejack grumbled to herself as she began to fill the pot with water. âFindinâ a groom through the mail ainât gonna work. Iâll bet nopony even replies. It just ainât right.â
It was always amazing to see what a weekâs worth of hard work could accomplish.
True, Applejack was beginning to both feel and think like she was an apple tree herself, but the south forty had been finally harvested, and now she could turn her attention to sorting what had been collected. Sheâd keep the finest for a batch of cider, the wormy and diseased ones would be tossed in the garbage, and the rest divided out depending on size, shape, and shine.
With a yawn, Applejack stumbled downstairs to begin making breakfast, but she missed the last step and tumbled into the kitchen. For a few moments, a fierce internal debate raged on the matter of getting up again, but the Pro-Rest argument was, once again, soundly routed by the Work To Be Done platform. With a grunt, Applejack slowly hoisted herself up, paused while the screaming protests from her muscles died down, and then limply dragged herself over to the icebox.
At least she was only cooking for herself this morning. Apple Bloom had gone to a sleepover with Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle, and she wasnât due back until that afternoon when Applejack would need her help to load the sorted apples for shipping. Big Mac would be along⌠eventually, she supposed, but whenever he did show up, he would already be fed and ready to work.
Or, at least heâd better be, or Ahâm gonna strangle him.
âAh! Good morning, my dear Applejack. Breakfast will be ready in just a moment.â
Applejack froze, all of her sleepiness and aches forgotten with the surprise announcement. There wasnât supposed to be another pony in her house, but despite this, there was a stallion by her stove, with a large skillet being held over the flame in his magic.
âMy, you look like youâve had a rough night. If youâd like, I can whip up one of my famous energy protein shakes for you. Completely organic, of course, but loaded with essential vitamins and minerals to help balance and energize your day.â
âWHO IN TARNATION ARE YOU?!â Applejack finally found her voice, size large, and her question rattled every last window in the house.
âMe?â The light blue stallion chuckled and stirred whatever he was cooking with a quick flick of the pan. âOh, forgive me. My name is Brambles, and Iâm your new husband.â
Applejackâs mouth and jaw moved rapidly, but the only thing that managed to make it past her throat was unintelligible babbling. Five or six questions were trying to be asked all at the same time, but there was no way to sort out the jumbled train wreck that emerged.
âDonât worry, I get that reaction a lot when I first meet a mare,â Brambles said with a chuckle. âHave a seat, wonât you? Iâll get everything dished up for us, dearest.â
âHold it!â Applejack finally got her thoughts and her words straightened out, and she marched across the kitchen to go nose-to-nose with the intruder. âHold on just one apple-pickinâ minute! You ainât my husband! You ainât even supposed to be in here! Howâd you get in here, anyway?â
âLetâs not concern ourselves with the details, dear,â Brambles said with a charming smile. âThe point is I am here now, to be yours for as long as we both shall live. Now, have a seat. The watercress will burn if I leave this on the heat any longer.â
âOh no you donât!â Applejack shoved Brambles towards the back door, and kept pushing over his protests. âAh donât know where you got such a plum idiotic notion, but Ah sure ainât gonna let no trespasser stay in my kitchen and use up my vittles! Out!â
âBut, Applejack, dearest!â
âNot listening!â Applejack gave Brambles one last heave, and she made a point of slamming the door in his face before throwing the deadbolt, and then wedging a chair under the doorknob for good measure. âOf all the insolent tomfoolery! Ah ainât got time for addle-headed imbeciles running around in my home!â She paused to inhale, then glanced over to the skillet. âAnd what in Equestria was he cookinâ? Smells like the inside of my muck boots.â
Applejack pulled the skillet off the stove, extinguished the flame, and studied the contents of the pan. To her, it looked like Brambles had dumped in a pound of seaweedâwhich was probably the aforementioned watercressâsome weeds from the burn pile out back, a bunch of odd-looking spices, and a healthy dash of brown.
If it tasted the same as it smelled, then the intruder had made slop for the pigs, not breakfast. With a snort, she picked up the pan, marched back to the back door, and removed the obstructions before flinging it wide open. Sure enough, Brambles was still there, the morose look of defeat instantly melting into a grin when he glanced up to her.
âI knew youâdâŚâ
âYou made this, you eat it.â Applejack shoved the pan in Bramblesâ face, and he yelped as he tossed the still-hot food from one hoof to another. âOnce youâre done, leave the skillet on the stoop and get offa my property. Donât you come back, neither!â
The door slammed shut once more, and Applejack grumbled to herself as she marched back to the icebox. âWhere in the wide world of Equestria did he get such a ridiculous notion, anyway? My husband?! I donât evenââ
Applejackâs words cut off when her gaze moved to the table, and she saw that morningâs edition of the newspaper, unfolded and opened to the Gabby Gums article on page four. Which just so happened to be one page over from the classified section, where a certain advertisement had been placed last weekâŚ
âNo.â She snorted again and shook the thought from her head. âCanât be related. Ah wrote to an agency, and they ainât replied to me yet. If them Flim Flam brothers sent me a stallion without talkinâ to me first, Iâm gonna tan their hides clear from wherever they are straight to Canterlot. Then Ahâm gonna talk to Twi about getting a law passed against sending stallions unsolicited through the mail. Thatâs justâŚâ She paused and shuddered. âNo. Those two wouldnât be that dumb. They couldnât be that dumb. Could they?â
Mornings in Ponyville, for the most part, were almost as predictable as Applejack. Apart from the odd bugbear attack or plundervine invasion, most ponies had their own little routine that they followed, day in and day out, and there was a peaceful comfort in that repetition.
And after the unwelcome interruption to her morning, Applejack was grateful for that repetition. Today was Saturday, which meant that she was due to make a round of pre-dawn deliveries to the bakeries in Ponyville, so they, in turn, would have fresh apple strudels, apple fritters, and apple bread for their customers once Princess Twilight raised the sun.
The calm stillness was relaxing, and Applejack drew in a long breath of the cool nighttime air. The crunch of the wagon wheels over the gravel path was both familiar and relaxing, and she grinned when she caught sight of a small family of opossums, all strung upside down in a nearby tree and watching her with curious, but ultimately indifferent stares.
The peace was interrupted by a deep yawn, and Applejack shook some of the sleep from her head as she plodded along. Thankfully, her first delivery was already within sight, and she knew the proprietor of the humble little coffee shop would be able to provide her with the jolt she needed to stay awake.
âGâmorning, Pep,â Applejack called out as she entered the brightly lit store. âGimmie the usual, please.â
âOne large size coffee, spare the fancy, coming up.â The creamy brown mare had already snagged a large foam cup with her magic and began to pour when Applejack entered, so the order was even faster than usual. âSure you donât want a squirt of hazelnut or chocolate in that?â
âNope, never gonna do it, no matter how much you ask. Ahâve already had enough excitement for one day as it is,â said Applejack. âBut why donât you give me one of those apple muffins, too. Breakfast was a bust, and Ahâm famished.â
âItâs a bit early for enough excitement to warrant an apple muffin,â the proprietor said, and she placed both items down on the counter. âI mean, this is Ponyville and all, but usually that much excitement waits for daybreak, at least.â
âAh tell ya, itâs the durndest thing,â Applejack started before taking a bite from the muffin. Peppermint Chai had only recently refurbished and reopened the former Starbuckerâs location, but she was a thoughtful and considerate mare, and one who Applejack had grown to trust with some of her personal problems. Pep was probably the only pony in the whole of Equestria who truly knew how overworked Applejack felt at the moment, and the Coffee Hutt now felt like a warm and peaceful oasis from all the troubles in the world thanks to her chipper attitude and friendly words.
The fact that she was the only other pony awake at this Celestia-cursed hour helped matters, too. âAh had to run a trespasser out of my own kitchen this morninâ!â
âSomepony broke into your house?â Peppermint asked, craning her neck to look outside as if she was looking for a body flung over Applejack's wagon. âDo you have any idea who it was?â
âSome knucklehead callinâ himself Brambles. Ainât never met him before in my life, but there he was all the same, struttinâ around like he thought he was gonna own the place!â
Peppermint leaned on the counter with one foreleg and gave Applejack a knowing grin. âOh, really? And what, exactly, did he want?â
âThatâs the worst of it! He was cooking pond scum in my kitchen!â Applejack snorted. âCan you believe that?â
âOh, I dunno. I suppose I could, if he was trying to court you,â Peppermint said with a bob of her eyebrows, and Applejack leaned back.
âHas Rarity been talkinâ to you again? Or Rainbow?â she growled. âThey sure the hay better not have sent him over.â
âI donât think they had anything to do with Brambles,â Peppermint said. âBut they may have been in here the other day, talking about how to help out âa friendâ and her woefully inadequate love life.â
âShoot, last thing Ah need is for them two to get involved with my personal affairs. More than they have already, anyway.â Applejack threw back the rest of her coffee, then let out a groan. âAhâll have to hunt âem down later, though. Ah got too much on my chore list already; Ah ainât got time to properly cuss them out for meddlinâ.â
âI still donât know how you handle doing everything by yourself,â Peppermint said as she refilled Applejackâs cup with more of the liquid sustenance. âOr even if youâre handling it.â
ââTainât been easy, but Ahâve slowly been gettinâ things caught up. If it does get to be too much for me, Ahâll be sure to get some help.â
âItâs better than beating yourself into the ground,â Peppermint said as she passed the large cup back to Applejack. âNo offense, but you look like you havenât slept in a week.â
Applejack didnât want to admit to her sleep-deprived condition, so she decided that it would be best to end the conversation there. âBest get movinâ on,â she said as she tossed the rest of the muffin in her mouth. âWhere you want me to put your apples?â
âJust leave them out front; I can bring them in later. You sure youâre going to be okay?â
âAh will be. Just a few more things to take care of âround the farm,â said Applejack, and she hoped that her tone was somewhat convincing. She really did believe everything would be fine, once she got caught up. The only sticking point was how she was going to get there. âMuch obliged for the coffee. How much Ah owe you?â
âOn the house today,â Peppermint said with a grin. âIn exchange for ten percent off the next delivery.â
âDeal. Ahâll even knock off the delivery fee. If you happen to see either Rainbow or Rarity, would you mind tellinâ them Ah want to discuss something with them?â
âIâll be sure to pass your thinly veiled threat along when I see them.â
Applejack smirked, tipped her hat, and left the store with her cup of motivation. The caffeine jolt would help to limber her up, and by the time she got done with her deliveries, she would be ready to get down to brass tacks at the farm.
Or fight off the feeling of brass tacks stabbing her legs, either way.
Applejack drew in a deep yawn as she stumbled her way back to the farm, and for a few moments, she allowed her pounding head to entertain the treasonous thought of going back to bed. The deliveries had been easy enough, but they also had sapped what little energy she had gotten from Peppermintâs coffee, and her hooves felt like they were wading through concrete with each progressive step.
âJust a little farther,â she murmured to herself. âDonât need to walk to sort apples. Ah can just sit there, and maybe rest my eyelids for a few minutesâŚâ
If her legs hadnât been in motion, Applejack would have fallen completely asleep right there in the middle of the road. Instead, she continued on her current trajectory, her body moving on memory since her eyes had fluttered shut and she was beginning to snore.
âExcuse me, miss?â
âNot until next Thursday!â Applejack bolted awake and slammed to a stop. With a groan, she rubbed her eyes, then glanced at the surprise speaker through blurred vision. âWazzat now?â
âAre⌠are you okay?â the unfamiliar male pegasus asked.
âRootinâ tootinâ,â Applejack mumbled.
âOh. I was just wondering if you could tell me how to get to Sweet Apple Acres. I always get turned around when Iâm on the ground.â
Applejack yawned deeply again. âJust down this road,â she replied with a limp wave of her hoof. ââBout another couple furlongs or so. Big red barn, canât miss it.â
âThanks. Are you sure you donât need any help?â
ââPreciate the offer, but ahâm fine. Just need to walk this off is all.â
âIf youâre sure,â the pegasus said warily. âGood luck.â
Applejack let out a snore, and the pegasus flapped away, obviously convinced that there was no further conversation to be had. The overwhelmed farmer straddled the line between sleep and awake for several long moments, but then another thought snuck into her quasi-slumber, and her eyes popped open.
âWait just a country fried minute. Why was he tryinâ to get to my farm?â
The question was strong enough to suppress her fatigue, and she took off into a trot with the wagon bouncing along behind her. Normally, a stray visitor to the farm wouldnât be a cause for much concern, but after the trespasser incident, she wasnât willing to take a chance.
Applejackâs thoughts ran faster than her legs as she ascended the last hill before Sweet Apple Acres, but most of her concern centered on why there was such odd goings-on all of the sudden, and why she seemed to be at the epicenter of it all. It wasnât so much that she couldnât handle the strange or the unusualâbeing both a farmer and the Bearer of the Element of Honesty had conditioned her to accept strange as normal, and doubly so since her farm was adjacent to the Everfree Forestâbut even she had her limits on the amount of strange she could handle in one day, andâ
Her thoughts and her forward motion were suddenly stopped when she unexpectedly rear-ended another pony, and the force of the impact would have taken her off her hooves if she hadnât been strapped into the wagon harness. The other pony in the collision wasnât so fortunate, however, and Applejack offered an apology as she helped the victim to stand.
âShoot, Ahâm right sorry about that. Didnât mean to run into you.â
âNo harm done, maâamâ the grey stallion said while brushing some dirt from his coat. âAre you hurt at all?â
âNah, Ahâm fine.â Applejack took a moment to look over the pony before her, and she frowned when her eyes moved to the pony in front of him, and the next one in the line after that. âSay, you mind tellinâ me why all yâall are out here, standinâ in the middle of the road?â
âOh, well, weâre here to reply to a personal ad that we saw in the paper,â the grey stallion replied as the ponies nearest to him turned to see who was talking to who. âOr, at least, thatâs why Iâm here. Iâm just assuming everypony else in line is here for the same reason.â
âArenât you Applejack?â the next stallion in line asked.
Applejack didnât answer the question. âEverypony else? Just how many of you are there?â
âHard to say,â the first stallion said as a small gaggle of males began to surround the two of them. âProbably several hundred or so.â
âWhat?!â Applejack pushed through the crowd, then stopped at the crest of the hill. âHoly moly! Thatâs a lot of stallions!â
Even for all of the oddities that had happened in Ponyville, this was a sight that Applejack could never have possibly dreamed, nor thought of on her own. The farm was overrun with studs, no matter where she looked! From the barn to the chicken coop, from the pig pen to the house, and from the brook on the Everfree end of the property to the orchard treeline on the other, nearly every square inch was occupied by the widest and most diverse bunch of males that could ever be conceived of.
âSo, since we saw you first, do we get first dibs?â a random yellow stallion on Applejackâs left asked.
âWhat in the Sam Hill is goinâ on around here?!â Applejack whirled and glared daggers at the speaker, who yelped and cringed in reply. âWhy is my farm overrun with stallions?!â
âWeâre here because of the ad you put in the paper!â the poor fellow whined.
âWHAT AD?â Applejack roared. âAh didnât put no ad in no paper!â
âYou didnât?â the first grey stallion asked, and he held out a copy of a newspaper. âWell, somepony did. Look. âWanted: one awesome stud needed for a husband. Must like apples, pigs, apples, chickens, apples, pears, apples, and whatever else farmers like. If you think you've got what it takes to be the companion to best of the best, tryouts will be at Sweet Apple Acres on the 18th starting at nine. Be sure to ask for Applejack.ââ
Applejack snatched the paper away, looked over the personal ad once more, then growled as her teeth began to grind. âDagnabbit, Rainbow!â
Ms. Harshwhinny had just come to a very important conclusion.
Namely, that she didnât take nearly enough vacation time. It was a fact that she was beginning to regret as her train chugged steadily towards Ponyville, but there was still time to correct the issue, and perhaps this trip would be the catalyst for future relaxation opportunities.
But, as always, there was business to attend to first. Normally, Harshwhinny would have passed off this particular task to one of her subordinates, but this was a special case, and she wanted to personally ensure that everything was satisfactory.
âExcuse me, Miss, but is this seat taken?â
Harshwhinny rolled her eyes, but a playful smile tugged at the corners of her mouth as a charming orange crystal pony plopped down in the seat next to her without waiting for a reply. âYes. Itâs already been taken, so go sit somewhere else.â
âAugh!â the intrusive but not unwelcome passenger let out a faux groan of agony while passing her a large foam cup. âI could have sworn that I heard you say that you wanted to spend as much time with me as possible during this little excursion, and now you cast me aside! Oh, the pain!â
âKnock it off, you goof.â Harshwhinny halfheartedly chided, and she gently smacked her guest in the shoulder. âI really donât know why I put up with you sometimes.â
âThatâs a question I ask myself every day.â
âYouâd better keep asking it, too, buster.â Harshwhinny took a long sip from the offered cup, and she smacked her lips once she was done. âPerfect, as always. Thank you, Väs.â
âAnything for you,â he replied with a quick kiss on her cheek. âGotta admit, Iâm looking forward to seeing Ponyville for the first time. Think we might be able to stop by the School of Friendship and take a tour?â
âIf we have time, but we must reach Mustangia on time for the inspection.â
âDo you really think this is going to take long?â Väs asked.
âIt might,â Harshwhinny replied as she snuggled into Väsâ embrace. âGiven how vague the letter was, it will be difficult to sort out what Applejack wants, exactly. I honestly doubt sheâs serious, but if she is, weâll make sure she gets the best of our selection.â
âI should think so. A good word from her would go a long, long way toward making our business respected.â
âYes, but more than that. She was extremely helpful during the Crystal Empire games a few years ago. Iâd like to repay the favor, if I can.â
âIâm sure you will.â Väs began to run a hoof up and down Harshwhinnyâs foreleg, but then he paused and looked around. âSay, Honeybunch. Did you notice anything peculiar about our fellow passengers?â
âLike what?â
âLook around. Youâre the only mare in this car.â
Harshwhinny sat up, and it only took a moment to confirm what Väs had said: every seat in the car was occupied by a stallion of some variety. âOdd. I didnât even notice.â
âYou didnât tell them to come with us, did you?â Väs asked.
âNo, I kept this assignment private, as always.â Harshwhinny tapped a hoof on the floor in thought, then turned and tapped the pony behind her on the shoulder. âExcuse me, sir?â
âMm?â The dark blue unicorn turned with a small grunt. âYes?â
âIâve noticed quite a few young stallions on board today. Would you know where they are all going?â
The unicorn scoffed. âThatâs easy. Theyâre all heading to Ponyville to hopefully woo the fair Applejack.â
âApplejack?â Harshwhinny glanced to Väs, then back again. âWhy are they doing that?â
âWell, she put a personal ad in the newspaper,â the unicorn replied, and he passed over the newspaper heâd been holding. âSee? Right there. âWanted: one charming and handsome stallion for matrimonial bliss. Must be clean, well-mannered, and hold himself with the finest airs of sophistication and grace, and willing to work long hours in a horrendously hot apple orchard. Inquire at Sweet Apple Acres for Applejack.ââ
âThat is most peculiar,â Väs said while reading the ad over Harshwhinnyâs shoulder. âWhy would she employ us and place an advertisement?â
âI donât know, but weâre going to find out,â Harshwhinny said with a small snort.
âOf all the pig-headed, nonsensical, and downright stupid things to doâŚâ Applejack grumbled as she paced the length of her kitchen.
âHey, how do you even know that I had anything to do with this?â Rainbow Dash replied from her seat at the table. âFor all we know, Rarity could have put this in the paper.â
âI beg your pardon!â Rarity spluttered. âI would never write something so coarse and uncouth!â
âI didnât write that,â Fluttershy added, but she shrunk back a little. âBut Iâm sorry itâs upset you this badly.â
âUpset? Upset?!â Applejack stopped and let out a slightly maniacal chuckle. âOh, no. Ah ainât upset. Ahâm positively peeved right now.â
Rarity gasped. âLanguage, Applejack! Nopony is going to want to court a pony with such a foul mouth!â
âAh wouldnât have to cuss if yâall hadnât suckered every single stallion from here to Salt Lick to come to my farm!â Applejack replied. âAh know you did it, Rainbow! Just admit it already!â
âWhatâs the big deal, anyway?â Rainbow replied. âSo thereâs a few stallions outside, so what?â
âThe big deal, Rainbow, is that they came here under false pretenses. Ah only wanted a couple of stallions here, not half of Equestria! Thatâs why Ah was waiting to hear back from that mail-order outfit!â
âWait. You actually wrote to them?â Rainbow asked.
âAh said Ah would,â Applejack flatly replied.
âWell, yeah, but I didnât think youâd actually do it,â Rainbow went on. âIf Iâd known that, I wouldnât haveââ
Rainbow clamped her lips shut, but the damage had been done. âWouldnât have what, exactly?â Applejack asked after a long, awkward pause.
Before Rainbow could be compelled to answer, a quick knock came at the door and Pinkie Pie let herself in. âHey everypony! Boy, thereâs a lot of boys out there!â she said with a snort for her own joke. âI even brought Starlight with me, too! Sheâs definitely not a boy, so I figured it would be okay to let her in.â
âApplejack, what is going on?â Starlight Glimmer quickly trotted into the kitchen, then kicked the door shut when a few stray males tried to stick their noses inside. âIâve had at least a dozen stallions ask me if Iâm you, and another dozen have tried to bribe me into putting a good word in! I canât get anything done at the school with that much testosterone running around!â
âAh do believe Rainbow Dash was just about to explain the whole thing.â Applejack leveled a death glare at her friend, and Rainbow cracked.
âOkay, fine. I admit it. I put the classified ad in the Cloudsdale Gazette.â
Applejack glanced to the newspaper that sheâd confiscated from the yellow stallion on the hill. âThis is the Canterlot Sun.â
âOh, thatâs mine,â said Rarity. âI may have also sent one to the Crystal Empire Times. You know. For diversity.â
âPhew!â Pinkie Pie wiped her brow. âThatâs a relief!â
âWhyâs that?â asked Applejack.
âBecause I thought you were going to find out about my ad in the Ponyville Picayune! Itâs nice to know you busted Dash and Rarity first.â
âWait a minute,â said Fluttershy. âDid each of you put an advertisement in the newspaper for Applejack?â
âSure!â chirped Pinkie Pie. âWhich one did you put your ad in?â
âUm, well⌠thatâs not important,â Fluttershy said as she tried to hide behind her mane.
âElement of Honesty,â said Applejack with flat glare.
âAll right!â Fluttershy hunched her shoulders and looked down at the table. âThe Bird Watcherâs Weekly, the Raccoon Report, Nuts and Trees, and Metaphysics Monthly. Twilight gave me a yearâs subscription to that as a gift for Heartâs Warming,â she added with a baleful grimace. âIt makes for a good birdcage liner, but donât tell her.â
Rarity rested her forehead on one hoof and let out a sigh. âI believe Applejack is looking for a husband in the applied sciences, not the theoretical.â
âRight,â said Applejack, then quickly backtracked. âNow hold on there!â
âAll right, so everypony is guilty,â Starlight quickly said before the situation got any worse than it already was. âBut how are we going to get rid of all of them?â
âCanât we just tell them to go home?â Fluttershy asked.
âAnd miss out on the chance to marry the one and only Applejack?â Rainbow scoffed. âYeah, thatâll work.â
âWell, youâve got to do something,â Starlight said over a knock at the door.
âAhâll get rid of âem, somehow,â said Applejack as she moved to the door and opened it without looking. âGo on, git! Ah ainât got no need for you, and you can tell all your friends to beat it, too!â
âMissus Applejack, I am probably the only pony who can truly help you right now,â Ms. Harshwhinny replied with a deep scowl. âBut if that is how you feelââ
âMiz Harshwhinny? Wait!â Applejack flung the door wide open, grabbed the newcomer, pulled her inside, and slammed the door shut before any males weaseled their way in. âYou know how to get rid of all of them? What are you doing here?â
âWell, I initially came to discuss your request for a mail-order groom,â Harshwhinny replied, and she pulled Applejackâs letter from her saddlebag. âBut I see you took matters into your own hooves.â
âWhat? Hold on,â said Rainbow. âYouâre in charge of mail-order grooms?â
âI am a co-President of F.F. Services, yes. If youâlI permit me, I can explain why Iâm here and what you need to do now. Oh, and if you could let my husband inside also, that would be appreciated.â
âAh still canât get over the fact that youâre the one offering stallions through the mail,â Applejack said as she poured a cup of coffee and offered it to Ms. Harshwhinny. âAh thought you were in charge of the Equestria Games.â
âI still am,â Harshwhinny said, and her nose wrinkled at the smell of the cheap, burnt and boiled coffee in the mug sheâd been given. âMy husband usually handles the day-to-day affairs of Friendly Finding Services. But we started the company together, and I offer what help I can to him.â
âI didnât realize you were married,â Rarity said.
âThatâs because I wasnât during the Crystal Empire Games,â Harshwhinny replied, and she smiled as her husband sat next to her and put his hoof on hers. âBut one night during the preparations, I was flipping through the personal ad section in the Crystal Empire Times, and I happened to see the most pitiful notice that Iâd ever seen.â
âIt wasnât that bad,â the sparkling orange pony cut in, and he puffed out his chest while swiping a hoof through his arctic blue mane with a pronounced flourish. âIn fact, it was thoughtful, succinct, and heartwarming, as I recall.â
Harshwhinny rolled her eyes. ââWanted: a mare to share the rest of my life with. Iâm a complete loser who has never had any luck with the ladies,ââ she recited flawlessly. ââIâm looking for somepony who wants to see the world, who never backs down, and who can get my mess of a life straightened out for me.ââ
âOkay, so maybe it was that bad,â Väs admitted.
âIt got worse from there, but you get the idea,â Harshwinny went on. âSomehow, that pathetic plea for help touched my heart, and I decided to contact Crystal Väs and to find out why he had put that ad in the paper. We met two days later, got to talking, and⌠well, one thing led to another.â She gave Väs a peck on the cheek and smiled when he blushed.
âBut that doesnât explain why you started mailing grooms,â Applejack said.
âHow would you even put a stamp on them?â Pinkie asked thoughtfully.
âIâm getting to that,â said Harshwhinny. âIn my travels and conversations as the head of the Equestria Games, Iâve noticed that there is a certain percentage of mares and stallions that are unable to find companionship on their own. The reasons vary, but the longing is always the same. Their perfect match is out there, but without some help finding their counterpartâŚâ
âYou end up with Twilight,â chirped Pinkie. âWe understand.â
Rarity gently patted Applejackâs shoulder. âThere are more difficult mares to match up, after all.â
âThatâs where the idea for Friendly Finding Services first came from,â Harshwhinny went on. âVäs was the one to come up with the concept: why not gather together a pool of eligible bachelors, and then advertise that pool in order to make it all the easier for a mare to find a mate? Itâs a win-win for both parties, and both Väs and I feel like weâre really making a difference in poniesâ lives.â
âThe biggest thing we offer is an individual touch,â Väs added. âSure, a pony can put a want ad in the paper, but you have no idea who will respond.â Väs pulled the window shade down from where several stallions were trying to peer in the window. âWe provide a more selective service. A dating service also typically doesnât have access to zebras, kirins, hippogriffs, and the other minority groups in Equestria.â
âYour advertisement was rather obvious in that regard,â Rarity remarked.
âThatâs also the last time weâll be using the Flim Flam Marketing and Advertising Agency,â Väs said with a sheepish grin. âThey did go just a bit over the top.â
Harshwhinny glanced to Applejack, and a knowing smile crossed her features. âVäs, why donât you sort out the candidates for Miss Applejack and try to bring some order to their presentation?â
âSure thing, love,â he said with a quick kiss and a wink. âBut I think Iâm gonna need some help. Would you all mind giving me a hoof?â
âOf course!â Rarity said with a devious grin. âWeâd be delighted to help sort Applejackâs potential prospects, wouldnât we girls?â
âI call dibs on the bullhorn!â Rainbow announced as she streaked towards the front door.
âWe have a bullhorn?â Fluttershy asked as the others followed Rainbow outside. Harshwhinny put a hoof on Applejackâs shoulder when she started to stand, though, and motioned for her to stay in her seat.
âMight I have a private word with you, Miss Applejack?â she asked.
âLook, Ahâm right sorry about all of this,â Applejack started first. âAhâm just wastinâ your time.â
âLet me guess. You wrote that letter because your friends were teasing you about getting married, am I right?â
âOn the nose,â Applejack grumbled.
âYouâre not the first one to write to FF Services because of teasing,â Harshwhinny said with a small grin. âNor will you be the last. However, I get the feeling that thereâs something deeper here, something that isnât readily obvious to your friends or to your family.â
âYeah?â Applejack asked with a curious glance, and Harshwhinny nodded.
âIndeed. I see a lot of myself in you, Miss Applejack. For the longest time, I was able to convince myself and others that I didnât want or need a husband. Love was an inconvenience, a time-consuming proposition that would end up being a waste. There was too much to be done, not enough time to do it, and adding a relationship on top of the pile would be an unneeded burden. But then, when I found Väs, I finally realized how deeply and completely alone I had felt before. His comfort and his touch filled my life with warmth and light, and my life feels complete and whole with him. We each lacked what the other had in glorious abundance, and now that we are together, we are far stronger than ever before.
âIâm not going to tell you that youâll find the same happiness that I did. In fact, it is entirely likely that having a mate would only complicate and inconvenience you, and the last thing you need is a loveless marriage. What I am going to tell you is that itâs worth giving this a chance. It is possible that there is a special somepony outside your door in that sea of stallions, if youâre willing to look. Väs and I are willing to offer our services and our expertise, but we wonât force you into anything.â
Applejack drew in a long, deep sigh. She was exhausted, she was irked that her friends had gone behind her back, and she just wanted everything to go back to normal.
But normal wasnât a place she could get back to, she realized after a moment of thought. Not the normal she had once known, at least. With Granny Smith gone, the normal that she had grown comfortable with was now just a memory, and no amount of wishing or hard work or anything else would change that reality.
She hadnât wanted to move on when Bright Mac and Buttercup had left, either, but life had moved on anyway and sheâd been dragged into an uncertain future with it. Of course, in hindsight, the loss had brought her, Apple Bloom, and Big Mac closer together, and as crazy as it sounded, she had found meaning and purpose in the pain.
And she did still need help with the choresâŚ
âIf Ah agree to this, you ainât gonna pressure me into anything, right?â Applejack finally said.
âNo pressure at all,â Harshwhinny replied. âVäs and I never do that. We always allow our clients to move at their own pace. If you decide there isnât a mate for you in that unruly mob outside, then we will respect that decision, wish you the best, and depart.â
âAll right. Ahâll give it a shot,â Applejack slowly said with a huff. âSo, what do we do?â
Harshwhinny grinned. âHave you ever heard of speed dating?â
âAll right, everypony, listen up!â Harshwhinny shouted through a bullhorn, and the sea of stallions in Applejackâs front yard turned their attention to her. âHereâs how this is going to work. Each of you will get five minutes to introduce yourself to Applejack, and to answer her questions. At the end of the five minutes, I will ring a bell, and your time will be over. There will be no additional time given; five minutes is all you get! If you are selected to move on, you will wait over by the barn. If you are not selected, we thank you for your time and ask you to return to your home. All decisions by Applejack will be final, absolute, and strictly enforced. Is everypony clear on this?â
âLetâs get this over with,â Applejack grumbled as she plunked down behind the table that had been set up in front of her house, a large coffee cup on her right and a pad of paper in front of her and ready to go. âHow many stallions we got to work through, anyway?â
âI estimate weâve got a herd of about five hundred ponies or so, roughly,â Rainbow Dash said as she sat on Applejackâs left. âSo weâre bound to find a nice stud for you.â
âI agree; it is rather unlikely that you wonât find a gentlestallion who catches your fancy from this assembly,â Rarity added while sitting down on Applejackâs right.
âI canât wait to throw an engagement party!â Pinkie pronounced with glee. âOo! Maybe itâll be that nice green one over there. Or that mauve one! Maybe the grey one! I CANâT HANDLE THE SUSPENSE!â
âI just want Applejack to find her special somepony,â Fluttershy said with a soft smile as she sat with the others. âIf he exists, that is.â
âAh just want to get back to work,â Applejack said with a snort. âBut Ah ainât gonna get nothing done with all them millinâ around. Whoâs first?â
There was a brief pause, and Starlight Glimmer glanced to a stallion near the front of the slightly organized mob. She cleared her throat, and when that didnât work, Crystal Väs poked the stallion with a hoof, then motioned for him to step forward after his yelp of alarm. The light green stallion was a bit on the small side, with teal eyes that were looking at anything other than Applejack, but he quickly trotted up and shook his head, as if sorting his thoughts. He cleared his throat once he sat in the chair that was a few paces away from the potential bride and her friends, and he offered a thin smile.
âName?â Harshwhinny demanded.
âIâm Trail Blazer, maâam,â he replied. âAnd itâs nice to meet you, Applejack.â
âLikewise,â Applejack replied. Sure, she was still upset about the situation, but that wasnât an excuse for poor manners, and she had been raised better than that. âSo, why do you think youâd be a good husband for me?â
âWell, Miss Applejack, I think Iâm a lot like yourself, in a way,â Trail Blazer began. âI grew up on the outskirts of Baltimare, and Iâve always been a hard worker. I like pina coladas, and getting lost in the rain, but Iâm not much into health food. I do like champagne, I canât stand red tape, and Iâd love to take you to a small little bar back home for our first official date.â
âUh huh,â Applejack replied, her eyes on the pad of paper in front of her while she wrote Con: doesnât want to stay on the farm. With a small sigh, Applejack glanced over the two pros sheâd writtenâhard worker and not into health foodâand then over to Harshwhinny.
Applejackâs eyes widened in amazement. Harshwhinny was furiously scrawling a novel on her pad of paper, a small trail of smoke trailing from the tip of her pencil from the sheer speed of her words. With a casual flick of the hoof, Harshwhinny moved on to the next page, and continued to scrawl until she was halfway down the legal sized pad.
âWell?â she said with a pointed glare to Applejack. âDo you have any follow-up questions for Trail Blazer?â
âI got a couple,â Rainbow Dash proclaimed, and in one swift move, she shot out of her seat, over to the interviewee, and poked him in the chest with a hoof. âJust what kind of âhard workâ did you do, huh?! I bet youâve never even lifted an apple basket before!â
âWell, no,â Trail Blazer admitted. âBut my family does own a small avocado orchard, and I helped out with that quite a bit.â
âReally?â said Applejack.
âOh, yes. I used to work all day, lifting baskets of avocados, taking them back to our sorting warehouse, and getting them packed up.â
âSoâŚâ Applejack frowned in concentration, taking the difference between the skinny stallion and his words. âHow many avocados did you used to lift at one time?â
âClose to a hundred,â declared Trail Blazer proudly, holding out a hoof. âHere, I brought you one, so you can tell how delightful they are.â
Applejack looked down, then looked again at the extended hoof. âAhâve seen watermelon seeds bigger than⌠oh. Your family owns a small avocado orchard. Hilarious.â
âJust what kind of comedian do you think you are?!â Rainbow demanded with another sharp poke. âThis is serious!â
âI am being serious,â Trail Blazer said with a wince. âOur novelty avocados are usedââ
âApplejack doesnât have time for your jokes! Get your mangy hide out of here!â
âRainbow, quit pestering the poor fellow!â Starlight Glimmer cut in, her magic pushing the overbearing pegasus back to the table. âSorry about her. Somepony switched out her decaf for regular this morning.â
âHey!â Rainbow protested.
âApplejack?â Harshwhinny repeated. âWhat is your decision?â
Applejack hesitated and tried to come up with a question to ask, but nothing was forthcoming. The stallion seemed nice enough and genuineâeven with the ridiculous avocadosâbut there wasnât really anything about him that stood out or caught her interest. Still, he did have some farming experience, and maybe heâd bulk up some once she put him to work. âAll right, Ahâll give you a chance. Go wait over by the barn for round two.â
Trail Blazer was ecstatic, and he let out a little cheer of delight while following the direction heâd be given. Before Harshwhinny or Applejack could ask for the next pony, however, a lanky slate-grey pony strode up, took the farmerâs hoof in his own, and planted a kiss on her fetlock.
âGood morning, Applejack,â the stallion said, his words smoother than butter and just as fattening. âWhat an inestimable and indescribable honor it is to finally make your acquaintance. I am Nickel Farthings the Third, Equire, and may I begin by noting that you have a marvelous agricultural enterprise established here. Why, not two days will go by but I hear of your marvelous produce and exceptional business skills.â
âI bet youâre interested in her produce,â Rainbow muttered under her breath.
âBe nice,â Fluttershy replied.
âIndeed,â Nickel went on like he hadnât heard Rainbowâs snide remark, âI admit to already feeling a fond regard for you already, despite having just met. Your critical eye for detail is sure to be a natural fit with my business acumen, and together, we are sure to elevate Sweet Apple Acresâand yes, I daresay even Ponyvilleâto a level of prosperity that could not be realized by a single operator.â
âBut what about Big Mac, Sugar Belle, and Apple Bloom?â Rarity asked.
Nickel Farthings the Third gave Rarity a blank stare for a moment. âForgive me, but I am unfamiliar with those ponies. Is your farm a multiple partner operation, then?â
âDo you really think a farm of this size can be run by one pony?â Rarity pressed with an exasperated sigh. âHonestly. Iâm not so sure your business savvy is quite up to par, so to speak. Just what exactly is your profession, Mister Farthings?â
The question caught him off guard, and he spluttered for a moment before blowing a raspberry. âWell, that⌠I mean, itâs not really important to the matter at hoof. What we should be concerning ourselves with is the upcoming courtship between Miss Applejack and myself, wouldnât you agree?â
âIndeed, that would be paramount,â Rarity said. âSo, what say you, Applejack?â
âTalks too much, and too fancy,â Applejack dryly said before taking a long swig of her coffee. âNext.â
âBut, Miss ApplejackâŚâ
âThe decision has been made,â Harshwhinny cut in with a hard glare that could melt stone. âYou have been given your opportunity. Thank you for your time.â
Nickel Farthings the Third tried to protest further, but the effort died in his throat when Harshwhinny tilted her head slightly and turned up the power of her glower. With a resigned sigh, he turned tail, and Crystal Väs nudged Starlight with a chuckle as Nickel walked away.
âTrust me, you do not want to be on the receiving end of that stare,â he quipped. âThe first time my Whinny used it on me, I was sure I was a dead pony walking. Iâve never forgotten to get the garbage out to the curb since then.â
âTwo down,â Applejack muttered to herself. âNext!â
âWell! I hardly expected a member of the Royal Guard Corps to be here today,â Rarity said in surprise. âThis is most peculiar.â
âRarity, everything about today is gonna to be peculiar,â Applejack said, but the fashionable unicorn did have a point. Applejack studied the guard as he approached, then saluted without sitting down, and she determined the whole thing would be a little less peculiar if he wasnât still in his armor and looking like heâd just stepped away from his post. âAlrighty. Who are you?â
âMajor Reinforcements, Miss Applejack maâam,â the burly unicorn replied. âPleasure to meet you.â
âWhy are you still in your armor?â
âWell, I couldnât get my request for personal leave approved, maâam. So Iâm doing this while Iâm on duty.â
âYou went AWOL?â Rainbow Dash gasped.
âNo maâam!â Reinforcements replied. âIâd never do that.â
âBut..â Applejack hesitated. âIf youâre on duty, then that means⌠oh no.â
A proud fanfare rang out in the distance, and Reinforcements went to attention. âAnnouncing the arrival of Her Most Serene Highness, Princess Twilight Sparkle the First, by the Grace of Celestia and LunaâMay They Live ForeverâRuler of Equestria and Her Dominions beyond the Seas, Protector of the Realm, Element of Magic, Defeater of Tirek, Vanquisher of the Terrible Trio, Guardian of the Tree of Harmony, Redeemer of the Pillars of Equestria, Noble Defender of the Crystal Empire!â
âHerald!â bellowed Twilight at a volume far above Librarian-level, "I said I'd let you announce me if you wanted to talk to Applejack, but I'm not paying you by the word! Some of those aren't even titles, anyway.â
âThey will be now that heâs used them,â Harshwhinny snarked, but her comment went unheeded as Twilightâs friends moved in for a friendly hug. A few words of greeting were shared between the mares, but before Twilight could ask the expected question, Applejack beat her to the punch.
âSo, I take it you saw the personal ad in the Canterlot Sun?â
âActually, I found out about this when half the guard tried to put in for personal and sick leave for the day,â Twilight said. âThey told me about the ad, but when I read it, it didnât sound like you. Honestly, I thought Rarity had written it and just put your name in instead of hers.â
âAhâll give you three guesses why that is, and the first two donât count,â Applejack said.
It only took Twilight half a second to figure out what happened. âBut why would Rarity put the ad in the paper? And is that Ms. Harshwhinny over there?â
âWhy donât we get you a chair, Twi,â Applejack said with a sigh. âThis is gonna take a minute to explain.â
âYou know, you really donât have to stay here, Twi,â Applejack said as the reunited friends sat down again. âAhâm sure youâve got plenty of work to do in Canterlot.â
âNot really,â Twilight replied. âEven if I did, thereâs no way Iâm going to let one of my best friends find a special somepony without my help. Iâll be here all day, and even tomorrow, if I need to,â she said with a glance over the crowd.
âShall we continue?â Harshwhinny asked, and Applejack nodded. âVery well. Next!â
A light gold pony stepped up with a confident stride, and he took a brief moment to tilt his stetson back before offering the pony panel a huge grin.
âNext!â called out Applejack.
âBut I just sat down,â said Braeburn. âWe ainât had a good long talk inââ
âNEXT!â shouted Applejack. âYer mah cousin, ya durned idjit! I ainât about to go pickinâ apples out of my own family tree.â
âWell, I suppose.â Braeburn got up and looked around at the long line of stallions waiting their turn. âYou donât mind if I check out some of yourââ
âNEXT! bellowed Applejack. âBraeburn, if your mangy carcass is within eyesight by the time I stand up, Ahâm going to kick you right back to Aaaappleloosa!â
Braeburn beat a hasty retreat, and the next stallion moved cautiously up to the chair, giving furtive looks to either side. âI... um... didnât realize you had that kind of temper. Iâm sorry, maâam, but... goodbye.â
âThatâs it,â growled Applejack, standing up and addressing the mass of males before. âAny of the rest of you want to drop out ahead of time, be my guest. Yes, ahâve got a temper, but ah ainât never kicked nopony who didnât kick me first. Ah also hog the covers, get terrible gas from artichokes, and think the Baltimare Ravines are a disgrace to the noble art of hoofball anâ they should be run off the field afore they embarrass themselves like they did last week.â
One hoof went up in the crowd. âHow about the Detrot Lions?â
âWell...â Applejack sat back down while the prospective pool of pony partners began to shrink. âAh canât really say, on account of Rarity being one of my best friends. But ahâm willing to be tolerant of them. Now, letâs get this line moving again.â
âNext,â Applejack droned, but she gasped when she looked up from the notes sheâd taken on the last candidate. âCaramel? Just what do you think youâre doing?â
âWell, I saw you ad in the Picayune this morning, and I was⌠well, what I mean⌠that is, I was hoping that, if youâre not too busy, you and I could finally go on that date you promised me for helping out with the Winter Wrap Up.â
âSeriously? That was years ago, and you lost the grass seeds!â
âI know. Thatâs why I havenât said anything about it. But you did promise,â Caramel softly said. He then stood, and from within his saddlebags, he produced a small bouquet of white and red roses. âI, uh⌠I even got you some flowers. But if you donât want them, then Iâll just leave, andâŚâ
âWait,â Applejack called out, and she bit her bottom lip. She had promised to take Caramel out on a date, but then had promptly forgotten all about it. The flowers were a nice touch, she had to admit, and her stomach rumbled a bit as she thought about turning them into a light midmorning snack. âFine. Go wait over by the barn. Youâre in.â
Caramel smiled, passed the flowers to Applejack, and then trotted over to the barn with a prance in his step.
âYouâre not seriously considering him, are you?â Rainbow Dash asked. âI mean, câmon. Itâs Caramel. The guy gets lost in his own house.â
âA promise is a promise,â Applejack said. âAh wish he wouldâve reminded me about it before now, though. Sides, heâs always been pretty nice, and heâs never done me any wrong. Donât hurt nothinâ to give him a chance.â
âItâs your marriage.â Rainbow rolled her eyes. âDonât blame me if it sucks later.â
âTo be fair, Applejack wouldnât have to worry about it now if you had kept your nose out of her personal affairs, now would she?â Harshwhinny said with a sly grin.
âYeah, yeah. Whatever.â
Applejack nipped off a red bud from the bouquet with a smirk. âYou ainât gettinâ none of my flowers, neither. Whoâs next?â
âNext!â
âRainbows!â Zephyr Breeze shot out of the crowd before anypony could react, and he flung himself across the table in front of Rainbow Dash before propping his head on one hoof. âHowâs it going, Dash? Did you miss me and all of my awesomeness?â
âOh, great,â Rainbow Dash moaned while her friends snickered at the display.
âCâmon, Rainbows. Donât be like that. Itâs your Zeppy weâre talking about here! How about a little kissy-kiss for your new hubby?â
âWhat?!â Rainbow Dash recoiled, and her chair nearly went over backwards. âIâm not the one looking for a husband! Applejack is!â
âYou know, itâs cute how you keep up this little charade for your friends.â Zephyr Breeze flashed what was probably supposed to be his most charming grin, but looked more like he was going to pass a kidney stone. âBut you donât have to hide how you really feel about us, you know. Iâm sure theyâve all guessed by now that you and I haveââ he paused and threw his head back ââphysics together.â
âNot since that incident in ninth grade, we havenât,â Rainbow shot back.
âUm, I think he means chemistry,â Fluttershy noted.
âJust like baking soda and vinegar!â Pinkie added gleefully.
âDid you even bother to read the ad, or did you just follow where everypony else was going?â Rainbow asked.
âOh, I read it, but câmon. Letâs be real here,â Zephyr said with a bob of his eyebrows. âSure, you put Applejackâs name in there, but we all know that itâs really you whoâs been aching for a special somepony to call your own. That ad was a desperate call from you to me, and donât even try to deny it, romantic as it might be. Just admit your true feelings, Rainbows.â
âYâknow, itâs amazing how completely and totally wrong you can be at times, Zeph.â Rainbow Dash rubbed the sides of her head in an apparent effort to quell a migraine, but she was getting no sympathy from her snickering friends in the matter. Even Harshwhinny couldnât hold back a chortle or two, but she was able to control her amusement enough to interrupt the scene.
âAs much as I hate to break this up, we simply donât have time to let this continue. Mister Breeze, if you are here to court Rainbow Dash, then I must ask you to leave and to continue your romantic overtures at another time.â
âOh, Ah dunno,â Applejack said with a smug grin. âAh do appreciate a fella who can make me laugh, and Ah have been thinking about doinâ something different with my mane. What if Ah decide to give him a chance?â
âApplejack, if you let himâ Rainbow jabbed a hoof at the still-smirking Zephyr Breeze âmove on to the next round Iâll⌠IâllâŚâ she hesitated, then snorted. âIâll do something. I just donât know what.â
âWell, with that kind of a threat, Ah guess Ah ainât got a choice,â Applejack said. âSorry, Zephyr, but Miz Harshwhinny is right. Why don't you come back once this is all over, yâhear?â
âOh, Iâll be back.â Zephyr slunk off the table and blew a kiss to Rainbow Dash. âDonât you worry, Rainbows. Your Zeppy will always wait for you.â
Rainbow groaned. âUgh, Iâm gonna hurl, I swear.â
âNext,â Applejack called out as she frowned at the bottom of her empty coffee cup.
âGood Morning, Prince Blueblood,â Harshwhinny said, and Applejackâs eyes snapped up as Rarity let out a deep growl. âIs it safe to assume that things didnât work out between you and Lady Chrysanthemum?â
âOur relationship came to a conclusion two days ago,â Blueblood said with a haughty sniff, but then he offered a soft smile. âGood morning, Miss Applejââ
âNo. No, no, and no way under Celestiaâs sun, no. Get him out of here,â Applejack instantly retorted.
âReally, Miss Applejack, thereâs no need to be so callous and rude,â Blueblood said.
Applejack stood, put both forehooves on the table, and leaned forward so she was nearly nose-to-nose with the so-called ânoble.â âGet yer lazy, good-for-nothing carcass out of here afore Ah kick it all the way back to Canterlot! You wouldnât know a good dayâs work if it bit you on your fat flank! Out! Out, you durned varmint!â
Blueblood beat a hasty retreat, and Rarity let out a satisfied grunt as he did so. âServes him right, I say.â
âI take it thereâs some bad blood between you and him?â Harswhinny asked, and Applejack nodded.
âNot yet, but ifân he comes back, Ah expect there to be a gallon or more spread out across the grass. We met once, and if we ever meet again, itâll be too soon. Next!â
âIs it just me, or is the line of applicants getting longer?â Starlight Glimmer asked with a glance over the still sizable crowd.
âItâs not just you,â Väs replied. âWe lost a bunch there at the beginning, but weâve gained back the same amount as the dayâs gone on.â
âGreat.â Starlight snorted. âI should probably go check in at the school and make sure it hasnât burned down or something. Iâm sure Sunburst is taking care of everything, but heâs probably wondering why Iâm not there.â
âIâve got things under control here,â Väs said with a smile and a nod. âAnd even if I donât, Iâm sure Applejack, Princess Twilight, or Whinny will step in if need be. Go do what you need to, and donât worry if you canât make it back. Not your circus, not your monkeys.â
âGot it,â Starlight said with a chuckle. âI will try to get back here, though.â
âWeâll see you in a bit, then.â
Starlight nodded, then began her walk back into town. She was more than willing to help Applejack with this stallion issue, of course, but it would have been nice if she had known that this was going to happen. She was going to have to shuffle some evaluations around now, and possibly postpone the visit from King Thorax if this went on for more than a day or two, which seemed like a real possibility. The line of stallions waiting for their chance to woo the Element of Honesty still stretched past the farm and towards Ponyville proper, but at least they were in line now, and not milling around Ponyville and getting in the way.
Once she got into Ponyville, however, Starlight realized that things hadnât gotten any less crowded. In fact, the humble hamlet looked like it had doubled in population, and it was hard to move through the crowds without bumping into somepony.
âExcuse me,â she said as she pushed past one stallion who was looking over Roseluckâs flower cart and sniffing the wares.
âOh! My apologies!â The kind fellow quickly twisted to get out of her way, but once she was past him, he moved back to look over the selection. âSay, do you happen to know which flowers Roseluck likes the most?â
âRoseluck? Arenât you here for Applejack?â Starlight asked.
âWell, thatâs why I came here originally,â the tan pony replied. âBut then I saw the line, and I figured there was no point in trying. But when I came back into town to catch a train home, I saw the most perfect mare walking through town, and I followed her here. I really think I have a chance with her, but I need to do something to catch her attention first.â
âOh,â Starlight said with a grin. âWell, to be honest, Iâm not sure what her favorite flowers are. You could try asking her friends, Lily and Daisy. They should be running the shop with her.â
âOr, you could just ask me.â Roseluck cut into the conversation, and she giggled when the visitor blushed in embarrassment.
âI guess I could, huh. I must look pretty stupid.â
âNah, itâs kinda cute,â she said. âNopony has ever really asked me what I like, to be honest. But if youâre trying to impress me, I actually like tulips the best. Roses are okay, but everypony wants them, so Iâm around them all day long. Theyâve kinda lost their charm at this point.â
âIâll let you two talk this over,â Starlight said with a smile. âI gotta get to the school. Good luck with everything!â
The two of them thanked her as she trotted away, but Starlight only moved a few steps before stopping and turning to look over the slightly chaotic scene that was Ponyville at that moment. It was interesting to see the motley mess of males milling around, and she chuckled again as she watched a few attempts at flirtation among the local female population. By the fountain stood Lyra, who was giggling with a hoof to her mouth while a dark blue stallion put a hoof to his chest and proclaimed something unintelligible but probably terribly romantic, but the poor fool had no idea he was about to be pummeled by a very irate looking Bon Bon, who was marching herself over to the both of them with a furious scowl on her face. Amethyst Star was chatting with a greenish-grey stallion by the entrance to Quills and Sofas, Silverspeed was flying overhead with a brawny white pegasus who didnât look familiar, and even Ditzy seemed to have picked up a noble-looking admirer as she walked towards the market.
Looks like this little stunt is going to turn out well for a lot of other ponies, even if it doesn't for Applejack.
âStarlight! There you are,â Sunburst called out, and he motioned to the crowd as he walked up to her position. âSo, did you find out whatâs going on? Why are all these stallions here?â
âOh, itâs nothing too serious,â Starlight said with a grin. âTurns out that ad in the paper this morning was real, and all these ponies are here in reply.â
âThat ad saying that Applejack was looking for a husband?â Sunburst clarified, and Starlight nodded. âReally? Thatâs not just one of Rainbow Dashâs pranks?â
âNope. But it looks like thereâs a few studs who donât want to continue their pursuit for Applejack, so theyâre trying their luck in town instead.â
Sunburst glanced around again, a concerned look crossing his face. âHas⌠um, has anypony tried to talk to you?â
âWhy?â Starlight batted her eyes at Sunburst and flashed a soft smile. âAfraid I might get swept off my hooves with some chocolates and a few romantic lines from a sappy love song?â
Sunburst let out a nervous cough. âWell, no. I mean, not really. I was just thinking that⌠well, maybe I wasâŚâ
âCâmon.â Starlight nudged Sunburst and laughed. âYou can buy me lunch, if you really want to, and fill me in on what I missed out on this morning at the school.â
âIâd like that,â Sunburst replied.
âNext. Next?â Applejack glanced round. âWhereâs the next one?â
âDown here.â With considerable effort, a small colt managed to get his front hooves on the table and peer over.
âTruffle?â Applejack gave Apple Bloomâs classmate a short frown. âWhatâre you doinâ here?â
âMama said youâre the best cook in all of Ponyville,â said Truffle Shuffle with a quick licking of his lips. âIf Iâm your husband, can I have seconds every night at dinner?â
The collective âawww!â from the pony panel covered the collective feeling quite nicely.
âIsnât that just the most adorable thing youâve ever heard?â Rarity proclaimed.
âSorry, Truffle,â Applejack said. âYouâre a mite bit young for me, and Ah sure donât want to explain to your ma where those seconds are coming from. But Ah tell you what: next time you come over to play with Apple Bloom, Ahâll sneak you an extra slice of pie. Just donât tell anypony, got it?â
That offer seemed to greatly satisfy Truffle, if his huge grin was any indication. âSweet! Thanks, Miss Applejack!â he dropped to the ground and scampered off. âExtra pie! I get extra pie!â
âI think you just made his day,â Harshwhinny noted with a grin.
âAh reckon so,â Applejack said with a nod, and she glanced down to her paper to make a note about her promise.
âWhoâs next?â Harshwhinny called out.
âMister Cake!â spluttered Applejack. âWhat are you doing here?! You donât thinkââ
âIâm just seeing if you or your friends need lunch,â said Carrot. âI mean, youâve been out here all day without a chance to take a break, and you all must be getting hungry. Itâs on Cup and me, no charge.â
âOh! Oh.â Applejack looked to her friends, then back to him. âWell, thatâs mighty kind of you, and Ah am feeling a little peckish.â
âWhy donât we take a short respite at this point?â Harshwhinny offered.
âSounds good to me,â Rainbow said as she took the air and stretched all four legs at once.
âVery well. Letâs try to be back in fifteen minutes, shall we?â
âUh, Applejack?â Big Macâs voice came from behind as Applejackâs friends stood.
ââBout time you got here,â Applejack said with a snort. âSugar Belle sick again?â
âEeyup, but sheâs feeling better now,â he said while he moved in front of the tables and looked over the crowd. âUm⌠what?â
âYeah,â Apple Bloom chirped, and she jumped up on the table to get a better look. âMe and the other Crusaders woke up this morninâ and found a whole mess of ponies walkinâ through town, and then Scootalooâs Aunt Holiday tells us theyâre all here to see you! What on earth is going on?â
âItâs a long story,â Applejack said with a withering glare for Rainbow Dash. âSimply put, somepony decided to give my love life a kick in the flanks without telling me.â
âHey, it wasnât just me,â Rainbow Dash said defensively.
âAnywho, weâre trying to see if thereâs a special somepony in this mess,â Applejack went on. âBut while Ahâm busy with this, Ah need you two to go sort the first part of the harvest for me. Ah havenât had a chance to touch it.â
Apple Bloom looked both ecstatic and confused. âWait. Youâre trying to find a special somepony? Ah didnât think you were lookinâ!â
âAh wasnât. Like Ah said, somepony decided to look for me. Someponies,â she corrected. "A whole passel of 'em."
âWell, Ah wanna help!â Apple Bloom announced. âAh already got a sister-in-law, so why not a brother-in-law, too? What can Ah do?â
âSort apples,â Applejack firmly repeated.
âWhat?! Ah, câmon!â Apple Bloom protested.
âSorry, sugarcube, but thatâs what Ah need right now, so we don't get even further behind with the deliveries. Miz Harshwhinny and Mister Crystal Väs are taking care of the crowd, so thereâs nothing for you to do. Now run along. Ah should have this crowd thinned out some by the time you get done, and then maybe you can help me with the second round of interviews.â
âAw, all right.â Apple Bloom pouted, but she hopped down and began to trudge over to the barn. âBut itâs so unfair!â
âYou sure youâre gonna be okay?â Big Mac said. âAh donât like the thought of leaving you alone with all these studs.â
âAhâll be fine. I got my friends here and Miz Harshwhinny. Nothingâs going to happen. Besides, this can be your punishment for leaving so much of the work for me to do,â Applejack said with a sly grin. âIf Ah need either of you, Ahâll be sure to holler.â
âAll right,â Big Mac said. âBut you need to explain all of this later, too.â
âAh will, donât worry,â Applejack said, but then a thought came that made her smirk. âYâknow, Sugar Belle seems to be sick a lot in the morninâ, but improves as the day goes on. Dâya think itâs possible that thereâs a specific reason for that?â
Big Mac tilted his head. âWhatdya mean?â
Applejack rolled her eyes. She loved her older brother, but he could be a bit thick sometimes, especially when it came to love. âAh mean, has it occurred to you at all that Sugar Belle might be carrying a new apple for our family tree?â
âWhat? Naw,â Big Mac scoffed, then sat and tapped the tips of his hooves together. âShe canât be. She and Ah⌠well, we have been, of course, but⌠well, thereâs⌠no, but⌠well, Ah suppose she could, since we ainât been using⌠but she ainât⌠umâŚâ
âYou might want to consider getting her in to see a doctor,â Applejack smugly said. âAnd if she is, we'll need to get to work on that extra bedroom for your house right soon, too.â
âEeyup.â Big Macâs head dipped, and he glanced around sheepishly. âBut donât tell anypony, all right?â
âAh wonât say a word to nopony.â
âThanks. Ahâll get an appointment set up soon as Ah get done sorting.â
âSounds mighty fine to me. Good luck.â
âSo, Big Macintosh finally decided to show up, did he?â Rarity asked Applejack as Big Mac moved towards the barn. âAnd just what were you two talking about?â
âOh, just this and that,â Applejack replied while taking in a long breath, but then her gaze moved to a broad and well-toned black stallion near the front of the line, and she let out a long, low whistle. It was impossible to keep her eyes from drifting over his sleek and decadently chocolate brown coat, those taut muscles barely hidden beneath the surface, and his trim, sleek lines. Her heart began to race when his deep blue eyes slowly drifted over to meet hers, and she nickered despite herself when his thick and luxuriant black mane began to gently flow and cascade in the breeze. âHoo-wee! Take a look at that tall drink of water! Now thatâs a pony who could buck apples.â
âPerhaps,â Rarity said with an indifferent shrug. âBut most likely not.â
This opinion confused the farmer, and she gave her friend a questioning glance. âReally? He looks mighty fine to me. In fact, he looks just like the feller whoâs on the cover of most of those romance novels. Ah suppose Ah could go talk to him while we wait for the others to get back.â
âOh, Iâve already had a brief conversation with him.â Rarity sniffed and stuck her nose in the air. âIâm afraid I used up his entire vocabulary while doing so.â
âDumb as a post?â Applejack succinctly asked.
âI would not insult a post by comparing one to that cad,â Rarity replied.
âShame. Still, heâd look right nice out in the orchard, effortlessly buckinâ a whole tree with just one hoof, a thin glazinâ of delightful perspiration evenly spread across his withers and flanksâŚâ
Rarity merely glared back with a look that spoke volumes, plus several sequels, about how romance novel models did not match up to expectations.
âSo, what can I get for you two?â Mister Cake asked, licking the tip of a pencil and flipping to a blank page in his order book.
âI would positively love a light salad,â Rarity said. âPerhaps something with just a touch of balsamic vinaigrette, but none of that useless, froo-froo lettuce?â
âYour usual, then,â Mister Cake said while writing the order down. âAnd you?â
âJust surprise me,â Applejack said. âMy dayâs been going that way anyway.â
âGot it. Iâll bring those back just as soon as I can.â
âHey, are you taking lunch orders?â A stallion called out. âAny chance you could bring me a daffodil sandwich?â
âOo! Iâd like some spring rolls, if youâve got âem,â another pony called out.
âThis might take a bit,â Mister Cake said to Applejack as he wrote the orders down.
âNot a problem, Mister Cake. Ahâll be here all day.â
Mister Cake nodded, then moved into the crowd to catch the orders that were flying at him at a rapid pace. Rarity sighed as she watched him move away, a wistful, almost jealous look on her face.
âHonest, pragmatic, compassionate, with good business senseââ
âAnd married,â added Applejack. âAh have never been so envious of another mare in my life. Next!â
âBrambles?â Applejack let out a small whinny of alarm as the trespasser from earlier gingerly took a seat before her. âYouâre still here?â
âI am,â Brambles said with a wry grin. âIf I may, Iâd like to have another chance, Miss Applejack. I think we got off on the wrong foot this morning.â
âYou busted into my house,â she flatly stated.
âI did, but I did not know you were unaware of the advertisements that had been placed in the paper. If I had known that, I would have waited in line. I only broke in because I was trying to impress you and get ahead of the competition.â
A small twinge of confusion stung Applejackâs heart. âYou were?â
He nodded. âOf course. A stallion needs to do whatever he can to stand out, Iâve learned.â
Applejack snorted. âFine. Iâll give you another chance, but youâre on thin ice! Go wait by the barn.â
Brambles stood and nodded. âThank you. I appreciate your generosity.â
âHe broke into your house?â Twilight asked.
âEeyup,â Applejack said. âLike he said, he was just trying to impress me. Next!â
A light grey pony then stepped forward, with clear teal eyes that caught Applejackâs attention as soon as they met hers. His mane was a messy mop of black that would never be tamed by brush or comb, and he gave his prospective bride a confused look as he approached.
âName?â Harshwhinny asked.
âHuh? Oh! My name is Beetle,â he said softly, but then his head tilted slightly. âForgive me for asking, but why are you doing this?â
âHuh?â Applejack said. âWhatdya mean?â
âWell, I mean, why are you doing all of these interviews now?â he clarified. âI can tell youâre exhausted and youâre clearly not very happy about all of this. Why didnât you tell everypony to come back after youâd gotten some sleep?â
âWell, Ah gotta get rid of everypony. Canât get any work done otherwise. Not much time for breaks around here,â she noted. "So, what's your story? Why'd you wanna get hitched?"
âTo be honest, Iâm not really interested in courting you,â Beetle said. âBut I kinda have to, so here I am.â
Rarity made as if to respond, then tilted her head slightly and looked at the disheveled stallion as if she were considering just where to apply the clippers.
Harshwhinny, however, was obviously not pleased with her time being wasted. âMister Beetle, if youâre not seriousââ
âI am serious,â Beetle defended, but then he snorted. âAll right, look. I donât know the first thing about apple farms. Iâd be a horrible choice, but if you did pick me, Iâm willing to learn and to follow any orders you give me, no matter how difficult or unpleasant they might be. I wonât talk back, I wonât complain. But I also wonât lose any sleep if you reject me, either. Iâve got bigger problems.â
Applejack leaned back in her chair and chewed on the end of her pencil. Somehow, she could feel Beetleâs sincerity, and she appreciated his honest confession of his motives. He looked pretty lean, too, and with a bit of training, heâd probably be able to take care of most anything that needed to be done. There was a curious sort of tingle in her chest, and the feeling brought a small smile to her lips as it spread through her body.
âFair enough, Beetle. Youâre in.â
Beetle tilted his head in confusion. âWait, really? Why?â
Applejack nodded. âWhy not? Go wait over by the barn, and for extra credit, you can help Apple Bloom and Big Mac sort apples.â
Beetle cocked one eyebrow. âOooh-kay. I guess Iâll go help them out.â
âAnd the batter thickens!â Pinkie Pie proclaimed as Beetle walked away. âLooks like Applejack has a clear favorite!â
âAh do not. Ah just want to get those apples taken care of. Whoâs next?â Applejack asked, but then she leaned back in surprise. âAutumn Blaze? What are you doing here?â
The kirin before her chuckled. âIâm not Autumn Blaze,â the rich baritone of a male danced along the breeze and tenderly touched Applejackâs ears. âBut she sends her greetings, and she wanted me to ask if she could stop by next week to visit.â
âWait. Youâre a guy?â Rainbow Dash asked while glancing over at Fluttershy. âThat dude looks like a lady! No offense, dude.â
âNone taken.â The kirin laughed again. "We male kirins got used to being confused for females a long time ago."
âAll kirin look nearly alike,â Fluttershy explained with a soft smile. âThey donât have the eyelashes of mares, but other than coat and mane color, even we have difficulties picking out individuals. Iâm certain it can be rather embarrassing at times,â Fluttershy admitted.
âJust ask Väs about the first time hemet a kirin,â Harshwinny added with a chuckle.
âMy name is Smoky Mountains,â the kirin added with a small bow. âAutumn Blaze is my twin sister. I hope this isnât too unsettling for you?â
Unsettling wasnât a strong enough word for what Applejack was feeling. âTwin?â
âTechnically, Iâm three minutes older,â Smoky said. âBut we are fraternal twins, yes.â
âBut⌠you look exactlyâŚâ Applejack shook the thoughts about identical fraternal twins from her head before they jammed the inner workings of her overstressed mind. âOkay. Twins. So, what brings you here?â
âA desire to find my soulmate,â Smoky said. âIâve never felt any particular attraction to my fellow kirin, Iâm sorry to say, but my heart was doing backflips in my chest when I first saw you in our village. Dependable, honest, hard-working, and not afraid to speak her mind? How could I resist such a marvelous mare? I wanted to talk to you, but sadly, you left before I could get my hooves on the silence antidote. I simply bemoaned my fate after that, but when I saw your ad, my whole world changed for the better. I know my appearance is unconventional by pony standards, but donât judge this book by the cover. Please give me the chance to show you how much I care.â
Harshwhinny rang her bell. âTimeâs up. Applejack?â
âWell, umâŚâ she stammered. This was stickier than a batch of molasses, and for the first time that day, Applejack was unsure of the decision she should make. On the one hoof, Smoky Mountains seemed charming and sincere, but on the other hoof, he could pass himself off as his sister. The dichotomy between his voice and his looks was drastic enough to hurt her head, and she mumbled something while she tried to sort out what to do with him.
âWell?â Harshwhinny pressed.
âOkay!â she proclaimed, and she snapped to a decision, for better or for worse. âYouâre in! Just⌠just go wait over there.â
âThank you,â Smoky said with a broad grin. âYou wonât regret this, I promise.â
âAh already am,â she muttered under her breath as he sauntered away, and she began to rub the side of her head. âMaybe Ah could get him to pluck his eyelashes or somethinâ.â
âWell, that was weird,â Rainbow Dash said.
âUgh,â Applejack grunted in agreement. âThis kinda thing is why Ah never tried dating before now.â
âYou know, the problem might be with how weâre playing the game,â Rainbow suggested.
âWhat do you mean?â
âWell, what if weâre not using the right set of rules, yâknow?â Rainbow smirked. âMaybe youâre swinging for the other team, and thatâs why youâre having such a hard time accepting that sheâs really a he.â
Applejack sat there for a moment, a thoughtful look on her face. Then, without a word, she simply leaned over and kissed Rainbow Dash square on the lips.
Rainbow let out a muffled squawk of indignation and surprise, but only for a brief second. After several long moments of apple-flavored smackeroo, however, Rainbow pulled back and gave her friend a confused look.
âYou know what? That was actually kinda⌠disappointing. Like, I didnât enjoy that. At all.â
Applejack nodded. âEeyup. Next!â
âOkay, Ahâll give you a shot,â Applejack said with a yawn. âYou know where to go.â
âThank you, Missus Applejack! Youâve made me so happy!â
âAh bet so,â she mumbled before taking in a deeper yawn and rubbing her eyes. âWe just about done yet?â
âBelieve it or not, but that was the last applicant,â Väs said while walking up to the group. âWeâre all done.â
âJust in time, too,â Twilight said. âItâs time for me to lower the sun.â
âShoot, Ah thought weâd never see the end of all of them.â Applejack glanced over to the barn and took count of how many stallions had made the cut while Twilight pulled out her magical widget and took care of her duties. âSo, weâre left with, what? Thirty ponies or so?â
âThirty-two,â Ms. Harshwhinny replied. âYou were quite efficient today, I must admit.â
âYeah, but Ah donât ever wanna do that again. So, Ah guess Ah just need to figure out which one to keep now, Ah suppose.â
âIndeed, but there is no obligation on your part,â Harshwhinny said. âThose thirty-two ponies over there may have caught your interest, but that does not mean that any of them will win your heart. Väs and I will be certain to inform them of this fact before we go.â
âAw, you have to leave already?â Pinkie said with a pout. âBut you just got here, and I didnât get to throw you a welcome back party!â
âI wish we could stay, but I must get to Mustangia. They are one of the finalists for the upcoming Equestria Games, and I have to complete my inspection. However, if you would like, I might be able to return after I finish.â
âNaw, Ahâm sure Ah can get things sorted out from here,â Applejack said. âIf something does come up, Ahâll send you another letter.â
Harshwhinny nodded, and she grinned as Väs pecked her cheek. âWe should get going," he said. "The last train out leaves in about twenty minutes.â
âThanks again for all your help, Miz Harshwhinny.â Applejack doffed her hat and shook hooves. âAhâd be in an awful pickle if you hadnât come along.â
âNot a problem at all, Applejack. I wish you success in your search, and please let me know how things turn out. Iâm curious to see if anypony catches your eye.â
âAh sure will.â
âIâm not sure Iâll ever get used to Ms. Harshwhinny being married,â Rainbow Dash said, but she chuckled with her friends when Väs playfully bumped her, and she returned the favor. âBut, they are a cute couple, I guess.â
âIndeed,â Rarity added. âBut now we must focus on Applejack and her own cute couple status!â
âHavenât yâall interfered enough already?â Applejack moaned.
âWell, the odds are in your favor,â Twilight said while floating over several sheets of paper filled with her usual tight and tiny hen scratches. âIâve correlated the data, evaluated the trends, adjusted the calculations to eliminate bias, and extrapolated the information to your potential paramours.â
Applejack blinked. âSay what now?â
âUsing the information Iâve collected, I can tell you who youâre most compatible with,â Twilight said with a slight roll of her eyes. âAccording to my research, you go from a seventy-eight percent compatibility rating with Beetle down to a negative three percent compatibility with Caramel.â
âHow in Equestria did you figure out⌠never mind,â Applejack said. âIf Ah finish that question, youâll drag your fancy mathematics into this and make everything even more muddled.â
âStatistics never lie,â Twilight said with a bit of a defensive edge in her voice, but then she smiled. âBut donât worry. Iâve made arrangements to stay in Ponyville tonight, and Iâll walk you through all of the data tomorrow, so you can make the best decision possible.â
âAh do greatly appreciate that, but are you sure you donât need to get back to Canterlot?â Applejack asked, and Twilight scoffed.
âIâm sure. The only thing I had for tomorrow was a bunch of boring meetings. Budgetary analysis, infrastructure reports, tax reform, blah blah blah.â
âUm, that actually sounds like itâs really important,â Fluttershy interjected.
âTrust me, itâs not. At least, it's not as important as finding one of my best friends a special somepony!â Twilight cheerfully pulled Applejack into a hug. âSo! When do you want me to come over tomorrow?â
âYes, when should we come over and bring you breakfast for a change?â Rarity added. âWe did put you in this predicament, after all, so itâs only fair that we should assist you to the end of it.â
âYou just wanna keep playing matchmaker,â Applejack noted with a huff, and she glanced at the barn. âLetâs say eight. Thatâll give me some time to take care of my chores and such. Guess Ah need to find a place to put up them studs for the night, too.â
âLeave that to me,â Twilight said. âThereâs more than enough room in the Castle of Friendship, and Iâm sure Starlight wonât mind.â
âSounds fine to me. Ahâll see you all in the morninâ, then.â
Applejack shared smiles and hugs with her friends before they each left for their own accommodations, but once they were out of earshot, she let out a long breath. Despite all of the surprises and consternations that had come with the day, she actually felt rather good about everything, and she even dared to think that maybe, just maybe, she was going to meet her special somepony.
It wasnât a conventional way to find your future husband, sure, but her parents had an unconventional courtship too, and everything had worked out for them, with a little bit of work and a lot of love.
âAt the very least, things should settle down now,â Applejack said as she moved to check on Big Mac and Apple Bloom. âAh donât know how things could get any worse.â