Not all forms of Chaos can be blamed on Discord or Pinkie Pie.
See that mess of a picture over there? It may be poorly made, but that's exactly what's happening right now. Yes, even the cookie dough. But the crazy part is that Discord can only be blamed for ONE part of this bizarre nightmare. This image is the result of a logical, if somewhat contrived, series of events.
So you might ask, what the buck am I looking at? Or maybe how the buck is any of this logical? Well, the first answer is yours for free, but the second is only available in the DLC. Please insert 6.99 imaginary dollars to continue.
Yes, this is a crappy April Fools day story.
Cover art made by me, to my everlasting shame, using a lot of stock images and a picture of Twilight with a rocket launcher by maximillianveers. Source link is to original image.
“I knew something was going to go wrong today, but this is hooves down the craziest mess I’ve ever found myself in,” mumbled Twilight.
“Quack,” agreed the duck on her head.
But alas, there was no time to ponder the craziness. The portal spewing cookie dough needed to be closed before it was too late. So, with a resigned sigh, Twilight pointed a hoof towards the gaping hole in the sky.
“Onward!” she cried.
The green velociraptor Twilight was riding didn’t respond, but his jetpack still ignited. They quickly rose up into the air, leaving a sparkling trail of glitter as they charged into battle.
As they flew towards the horror that awaited them, Twilight’s pink polka dot cape bellowed in the wind, though what little awe this might have inspired was rather ruined by the hideous plaid pajamas she was also wearing.
Once they were close, but not quite close enough, Twilight lifted her mini cannon, taking care not to set it off prematurely.
“You ready?” Twilight asked the ammunition.
“Mudkip!” the little blue fish creature affirmed.
“Quack!” added the duck.
Still feeling rather uncertain about the plan, Twilight aimed the cannon towards the portal, and pulled the trigger, causing a series of four explosions that launched the poor mudfish towards certain doom.
But as the mudkip neared the portal, it opened its mouth, and fired a beam of pure sunlight right into the heart of the monstrosity. There was an unnaturally, otherworldly screech as the cookie dough thrashed about. Then, at last, the horror retreated back to the void, and the portal was closed.
The velociraptor quickly swept forward, and Twilight was able to catch the mud fish before it hit the ground.
“I can’t believe that actually worked. You alright, little guy?” asked Twilight.
“Kip!” the mudkip nodded.
“Quack,” the duck added, rather unhelpfully.
And so, victorious, Twilight rode the raptor back down to her friends and fellow Princesses. Everyone was safe, but clearly more than a little shaken by what they had just witnessed.
“Well, that was certainly a thing that happened,” noted Applejack.
“Yes. Pray tell, how did things get this ludicrous?” asked Princess Luna, trying and failing to keep her disappointment from showing.
“There was a perfectly rational, if ridiculous if it happened anywhere other than Ponyville, series of events that lead to this mess. No, I don’t want to talk about it,” said Twilight with a shake of her head.
“Indeed. I hope you don’t mind, but I think we’ll skip the stained glass window for this one,” added Celestia.
“Fine by me. I just want to get out of this hideous thing, clean myself up, and go to bed. It’s been one of those days,” said Twilight with a shake of her head.
It had started as a relatively calm day in Ponyville. No monster had wandered into town from the Everfree forest, the CMC had yet to set anything on fire, and there was no indication that anything remotely wrong was going to happen.
Naturally, this put Twilight Sparkle on edge.
“I just know something’s going to happen today, Rarity. We’re long overdue for some sort of disaster. And when it does, it’s going to be downright cataclysmic, I can feel it,” said Twilight.
“Oh, I agree completely, darling. But unless you stop fidgeting, the impending doom is likely to start before I finish stitching this cape, so would you please keep your rather justified paranoia in check for just a few more minutes and stand still?” asked Rarity as she continued sewing.
“Right, sorry. Though I have to ask, why are you even making a pair of plaid pajamas with a pink polka-dot cape? When you said you needed a model for a secret project, this wasn’t the first thing that came to mind,” asked Twilight.
“Because when a pony offers you a commission fee that’s high enough, you do whatever they ask for, no matter how eccentric and bizarre a request it is. Though I must admit, I am not particularly proud of what I have created this day. I shall not be showcasing this… item when all’s said and done,” said Rarity.
“Fair enough,” said Twight with a shrug.
Suddenly, there was a loud explosion, and a thick blob of purple gunk flew into the room and spatted across them both. While Twilight found this unexpected turn of events rather unpleasant, any immediate sense of disgust was quickly put aside as she turned toward her friend, whose eye was starting to twitch.
“Rarity, are you OK?” asked Twilight.
“Four hours. I’ve been putting this… abomination together for four hours, and now it’s covered in purple muck. Twilight, I’d hate to be a bother, but would you mind waiting for a moment while I have a word with Sweetie Belle and her friends? I believe they need a reminder of what the expression ‘never again’ means,” said Rarity as she, rather stiffly, made her way towards the kitchen.
“Er… right, sure,” said Twilight.
While Rarity started giving the CMC yet another lecture, Twilight tried to clean the gunk off herself. Unsurprisingly, it stuck to the pajamas like glue. Worse, it seemed to have soaked into the zipper, making it impossible for Twilight to take the hideous thing off. As a bonus, the sludge also seemed to be quite content clinging to her mane like bubblegum.
“Well, I guess I was overdue to get a manecut. Though I’m not sure if I’m capable of pulling off the closely shaven look,” she mumbled to herself.
Suddenly there was another, louder explosion from outside. Twilight let out a groan.
“And there goes today’s disaster. Because of course it happens when I’m covered in gunk and wearing hideously colored pajamas. Guess I won’t be needing my dignity today. Celestia knows I rarely get to keep it,” Twilight cursed under her breath as she ran out the door, polka dot cape flowing in the breeze.
It turned out that the explosions were coming from Sweet Apple Acres. And that it was Scootaloo’s fault.
“Well, that took longer than expected, but it’s finally over,” said Twilight with a sigh of relief.
“Thanks for the help, Twilight. Ah heard Scootaloo mention something about explosions a few days ago so Ah knew she was up to some kind of nonsense, but Ah never thought she’d go so far as buildin’ a bunch of workin’ cannons,” said Applejack with a shake of her head.
The cannons in question were a bit smaller that average, but they still packed quite the punch. And apparently, Scootaloo had rigged them to fire multiple times without reloading. Somehow. Most of them had gone off at this point, but the two mares had managed to prevent one from firing.
“At least we found them before she got the chance to test them herself,” said Twilight.
“For what little good that did. Nearly broke Big Mac’s leg when he found ‘em,” said Applejack.
“Sure. I’ve never seen such hazardous glitter before,” deadpanned Twilight.
Said glitter was currently sticking to their coats. It seemed especially eager to cling to Twilight’s sad excuse for clothes and goop cover mane, making her appearance seem even more degrading than it had been ten minutes ago. She was definitely going to need a hot bath to wash this experience away.
“The ammunition doesn't matter one lick. These things kick like Granny Smith when her hip was still workin’ fine. Ah’ve half a mind to take this last one to Canterlot and see if the guard will make anything of it,” said Applejack.
“I doubt they’ll want it, but I agree that we should probably pass it on to a professional. Considering how sensitive these things are, this little terror’s one small nudge away from going off,” said Twilight.
“Ain’t that the truth. Mind holding down the fort for a moment while Ah get our resident expert?” asked Applejack.
“Resident expert? Who are you… oh. Yeah, sure. Mind getting me a cupcake while you’re there? I could really use a pick me up right now,” said Twilight.
“Yeah, Ah figured as much. Ah don’t even want to know the story behind whatever that horrid thing you’re wearin’ is,” said Applejack as she made her way towards town.
“Huh. Even Applejack thinks this thing is hideous. I really hope that commission was worth it, Rarity,” Twilight mumbled to herself.
It had clearly been one of those days for a while now, but Twilight was starting to suspect that Discord had decided to make her sanity a cosmic punching bag today.
“Pinkie, what did you do?” asked Twilight.
“Nothing! I turned my back for one second, and Gummy was drinking a bottle out of the ‘find a way to safely dispose of these’ bucket. I think this was one of those wacky potions Apple Bloom made during that ‘chemistry class’ incident,” said Pinkie Pie with a shrug.
Twilight couldn’t prevent the facehoof or blush. That had not been one of her prouder moments, to be sure.
“Alright, I guess that’s a somewhat plausible explanation. But failed potions don’t work this way. How the buck did a botched cleaning potion turn Gummy into a bright green velociraptor?! One that’s scientifically inaccurate, at that?!” asked Twilight.
Said raptor was staring blankly at a nearby tree, clearly completely unconcerned about his transformation, and the fact that Pinkie had hitched him up with a saddle and ridden him all the way out to the Acres.
“It’s the CMC. Do we really need a better explanation than that? Now about this mini cannon. While I approve of the ammunition choice and firepower, this is clearly the work of an amature. I hate to say it, but I think Scootaloo should pursue a career around something other than explosives,” said Pinkie.
“Uh huh. Ah’ll be sure to tell her that when Ah see her,” deadpanned Applejack.
“Great! Now, just give me a second to patch this thing up so it doesn’t go off prematurely…” said Pinkie.
Twilight quickly closed her eyes, content that whatever Pinkie was doing, she’d be better off not questioning the details, and watching would only give her a headache. She only opened them again when the sounds of hammers, saws, and rubber chickens ended.
“And, done! Here you go, Twilight. One mini cannon that’ll likely be relevant to the plot later. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to Flutershy’s place to make sure Gummy’s in perfect dinosaur health,” said Pinkie.
Twilight carefully took the cannon from Pinkie, and watched as the pink mare hopped on the rapor from a seemingly impossible distance.
“Giddy up, Gummy!” cried Pinkie as she gave her pet reptile a gentle kick.
Gummy remained motionless for a moment, but then dashed off at a surprisingly high speed in the wrong direction. Twilight and Applejack shared an uncertain look.
“So… how badly do you think Fluttershy would react to a big, toothy reptile rushing towards her?” asked Twilight.
“If Ah had to guess, she’d panic for about two seconds thinkin’ it’s a dragon, realize it’s not, then rush towards it to give it a hug,” replied Applejack with a shake of her head.
“Exactly. And how likely is it for Pinkie to notice that Gummy has teeth now before that happens?” asked Twilight.
“...right. We should probably go after them, then,” said Applejack.
“I’ll teleport ahead and give Fluttershy a warning. You try and knock some sense into Pinkie’s head before she reaches us. See you there,” said Twilight before she vanished in a flash of magic and glitter.
Applejack looked down at the sparkling patch on the ground where Twilight had teleported away.
“She’s gonna be leaving that mess everywhere she goes, isn’t she? Dang it, Twi. This stuff is always a pain to clean up,” grumbled Applejack.
“Fluttershy, you’re one of my dearest friends. And I acknowledge that you would know better than me in regards to such matters. So please understand that I am asking out of shock and surprise, not disgust or horror, and that I mean no offense to you or the adorable creature in your hooves when I ask: what the buck is that?” asked Twilight.
“Kip!” The small blue creature Fluttershy was holding gave an indignant huff.
“Now, now. She just said she’s not trying to be rude. She doesn’t know if you’re a boy or a girl,” said Fluttershy.
“Mudkip,” said the creature.
“As for what he is, Twilight, I know his species is called a mudkip. I don’t really know why he can only say his name, but apparently he’s some kind of mudfish from another dimension,” said Fluttershy.
“Ok, that answers five of my six questions in waiting, but how did he even get here? Should I be worried about our plain of existence collapsing again?” asked Twilight.
“Oh, no. This happens pretty often. Sometimes Discord likes to ask animals from other realities to pay me a visit. Just the other day I met this really cute goat creature in a green sweater,” explained Fluttershy.
“Wait, what?! How long has Discord been doing this?” asked Twilight.
“Don’t worry, Twilight. I’ve already given him a lecture on being responsible about his interdimensional kidnappings. He knows to only bring creatures who’d be interested in meeting me, and to make sure he gets them home safely when they’re ready to leave,” reassured Fluttershy.
“Mud!” added the mudkip with a nod.
Twilight let out a sigh, but accepted that this would have to be addressed at a later date. The mudfish visitor seemed friendly enough, and there was still the matter of Pinkie’s dinosaur. But before Twilight could warn her friend about the approaching reptile, she felt a sudden weight on the top on her head.
“Quack!” came from above her.
Fluttershy’s expression quickly became harsh, as she flew up to glare at the duck now sitting on Twilight’s head.
“Mr Quackertons! What have I told you about pestering ponies for food?” demanded Fluttershy.
“Quack,” said the duck, somewhat indignant.
“It doesn’t matter if she smells like bread all over, that’s no excuse to bother poor Twilight! Now get off her head and apologize right this minute,” chided Fluttershy.
“Quack,” said the duck, in a slightly remorseful tone.
There was a sudden shift in the weight on Twilight's head, moving the duck slightly closer to her horn, but the duck didn’t get off.
“Quack!” said the duck, now somewhat panicked.
“You’re stuck? Um, Twilight? I apologize for asking, but is there something sticky in your mane?” asked Fluttershy.
“Why yes, Fluttershy. There is. And considering where it came from, I can’t say I’m surprised it smells like bread. That filly’s lack of cooking skills breaks the very laws of physics,” grumbled Twilight.
“Oh dear. That would explain it. And probably why you’re running around in that… er… thing. Um, I’m sorry to ask something like this, but would you mind if I… um...” stuttered Fluttershy.
“It’s fine, Fluttershy. I need to get this gunk off me anyway, and considering Rarity still hasn’t come running after me, I think she’s already declared this one a lost cause,” reassured Twilight.
“Oh, that’s good to hear. Just hold on for a bit, Mr. Quackertons. I’ll draw up a bath so we can get you unstuck as soon as possible,” said Fluttershy before she quickly flew into the house.
“Mudkip?” asked the mudkip, looking around with an inquisitive look on his face.
“If you’re asking why I’m like this, I don’t want to talk about it. It’s really been one of those days,” said Twilight with a shake of her head.
“Quack,” complained the duck.
Two minutes later, Pinkie arrived, followed shortly after by Applejack. Fluttershy, meanwhile, seemed to be having difficulty running that bath, and was still missing.
“...but Toothy sounds like a really overused name for a raptor, you know?” finished Pinkie.
“Mudkip,” replied the mudkip with a shrug.
“You’re right. Fangy is even worse. I gotta come up with something more creative,” said Pinkie as she put a hoof to her mouth, deep in thought.
“I can’t tell if those two are having a serious conversation, or practicing a comedy routine,” said Applejack with a shake of her head.
“I think it’s somewhere in the middle. It’s definitely a conversation, but it’s far from serious,” replied Twilight.
“Quack,” added the duck.
Finally, Fluttershy came back out of her house. She also had a very sheepish look on her face.
“I’m so sorry, Twilight, but the hot water doesn’t seem to be working, no matter how many times I kick the faucet. I’d offer a cold bath, but I don’t think that’d be enough to get that stuff out,” Fluttershy apologized.
Surprisingly, Applejack gave an awkward cough and blushed at this statement.
“Applejack, did you have something to do with this?” asked Twilight.
“Alright, so Ah might have had a crazy idea about warm water and apple trees, and may have accidentally broken a pipe or two while tryin’ to rework the plumbin’. Ah promise me and Mac are fixin’ it, just got a little side tracked by the whole cannon thing,” admitted Applejack.
Twilight didn’t quite facehoof, but she did very slowly and gently place a hoof to her head and let out a tired sigh.
“Honestly, at this point, I can’t say I’m surprised. And with Spike on that trip to Canterlot, that just leaves Rainbow Dash to make this day even more messed up than it already is,” said Twilight.
“Quack,” warned the duck.
“It’s not tempting fate if it’s already guaranteed to happen,” countered Twilight.
“I wouldn’t say the day’s messed up, Twilight. A bit weird and excessively contrived, sure, but not messed up. Kind of like your hideous PJs,” countered Pinkie.
Suddenly, there was another loud explosion, this one noticeably more prismatic that the others, followed by Rainbow Dash crashing down for a landing. Emphasis on crash.
“Ow… oh hey, Twilight. Wow, that’s some ugly clothes you’re wearing. So… uh… remember that lecture you gave about what could happen if I went a little too fast?” said Rainbow Dash.
“Well, I guess this is preferable to a black hole sucking us all into the abyss, if only by a small margin,” grumbled Twilight.
The gaping hole in spacetime was thankfully smaller than Twilight had feared. However, it was also fairly high up, and spewing tons of strangely flesh-like cookie dough.
“Ok, I get the ‘I accidentally cracked a hole in the universe’ thing, but what the buck is up with the cookie dough?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“Luna,” deadpanned Twilight.
The gathered ponies were silent for a moment before letting out simultaneous sighs.
“Guess she wasn’t listenin’ when we told her to stop messin’ with that portal,” said Applejack.
“Mudkip?” asked the mudkip.
“Oh, Luna’s one of the local Princesses. We had a word with her about this portal to the cookie universe, and how using it so much would cause our dimensions to get closer and closer, but I guess she never stopped,” said Fluttershy.
“Well, then it’s a good thing Rainbow poked that hole. One cookie dough leak is much better than our universes being slowly but surely being assimilated,” said Pinkie Pie.
“Quack,” countered the duck.
“Whatever. So, how do we deal with this? Punch the dough until it crawls back into the abyss it came from?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“That would not be enough,” came a graceful voice.
The ponies, plus mudfish and duck, turned to see Princess Celestia approaching them.
“This isn’t the first time that thing has tried to reach our reality, and we've since learned how to properly deal with it. Goodness knows Luna never seems to learn her lesson,” said Celestia with a shake of her head.
“And that time you tried to open a portal to the cake dimension?” deadpanned Twilight.
“A one time incident I’ve never repeated, and didn’t require us to drive away a tasty eldritch horror. As for our current situation, we’ll have to use a blast of direct sunlight right into the portal to drive the horror back,” declared Celestia.
The group was silent as they waited for Celestia to fly towards the portal, but then they remembered that it was Celestia. She wasn’t allowed to directly save the day.
“Ok, so if one of us flies up to the portal, you’ll give them the magic to fire a beam of sunlight into that mess?” asked Twilight.
“Of course, though it will have to be you, Twilight. You’re the only one with a horn and wings,” explained Celesita.
Twilight didn’t say anything. She just pointed at the hideous plaid pajamas she was wearing, and the duck still on her head.
“Ah. That abomination pretending to be clothing is trapping your wings, and the duck is preventing you from casting magic effectively. That might be a problem,” admitted Celestia.
“Quack,” huffed the duck.
“Not to worry! I knew something like this was going to happen someday, so I prepared this ahead of time!” declared Pinkie.
She then pulled out a jetpack, and hooked it up to Gummy. (Un)surprisingly, it was a perfect fit.
“There! Now you just have to ride Gummy up to the portal and… Oh. I just realized this model doesn’t have enough fuel to get you all the way up there and back down safely,” said Pinkie with a blush.
There were facehooves all around.
“Alright, nonsensical as it is, the jetpack is still our best option. If only because Rarity’s not here for someone to fly up there instead. Any ideas on getting a little more height?” asked Twilight.
“Well, how about that cannon thing you’re carrying? Ride it up with Gummy, then launch yourself the rest of the way?” suggested Rainbow Dash.
“It’s a mini cannon, Rainbow. I can’t fit in it,” countered Twilight.
“Mudkip!” said the mudkip.
Everyone looked down at the mudfish in surprise.
“Um… are you sure? This really isn’t your problem to deal with,” said Fluttershy.
“Mudkip! Mud! Kip! Kip!,” declared the mudkip, making a cute little salute.
“Well, I guess if fighting comes that naturally to you, I won’t object. Can you give him the power of sunlight, Princess?” asked Fluttershy.
“Well… I’m sure if a water type is entirely compatible with sunlight magic, but I guess I can give it a shot,” said Celestia.
Celestia lit her horn, and the mudkip lit up with magical light. From his expression, he seemed to experience a moment of extreme discomfort, but then started to glow with pure sunlight. The mudkip grinned and let out a cheerful war cry. Still feeling more than a little worried for the brave little mudfish, Twilight carefully lifted him up and loaded him into the mini-cannon.
“That should do it. Hurry Twilight, the longer we delay, the more likely my sister will arrive and try to drag more cookie dough through the portal,” warned Celestia.
