> ruminate > by Rambling Tree > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Chapter 1 > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Princess Celestia sat behind her desk. It was bare except for two trays in the corner. One was marked ‘in’ and was empty while a healthy stack of papers occupied the one marked ‘out’. The amount of paperwork was anemic compared to what she was normally used to.  Maybe she should go through them again? No, she remembered already doing that once today. The clock told her it was only an hour past lunch. She had eaten a nice plain salad with a glass of water. A meal she usually favored over more ostentatious ones. Not because she was humble as so many ponies kept trying to tell her. It was just that after so many years everything tastes about as interesting as dry salad. So really, what was the point?  Not for the first time Celestia found herself contemplating grass. There was a whole field of it out in the garden. She could vaguely remember grazing when she was very young but that had been so long ago. It didn’t really matter if it tasted better than salad only that it was different. But no, that would be a grievous insult to the castle chef’s. They already considered her simple diet a personal attack on their abilities.  Chefs, Celestia had learned, were as biased and quick to take offense as any artist. Although, sometimes appearances had to be kept and artists needed to be placated. When was the last time her enjoyment matched her enthusiasm for what was set in front of her?   Celestia took another look at the clock. A half hour had passed. Where had her assistant Raven gotten off to? Usually she would have been here by now to discuss whatever business needed doing. Was it the weekend? She looked at the calendar. It wasn’t. Had Canterlot been invaded and no one had thought to tell her? It's happened before, sometimes her ponies could be so silly. More afraid of disturbing her then whatever had disturbed the peace. It's not like she made a habit of shooting the messenger.  But no, one look out the window confirmed that the city remained thoroughly un-razed. The view was pretty in the same way that paintings or cake were pretty. Though beauty had lost most of its charm over the years.  So what then? This seemed like a mystery worth investigating. With a groan and aching pop of her joints that signalled that not even she was immune to the effects of age. Celestia stood then began walking towards Raven's office. There was no doubt in her mind that she was indeed old. Maybe not in the traditional sense that one grows old but the sad fact of it was that she was going to be old forever. ‘Ageless’ they called it with far more tact than Celestia felt she deserved. She huffed in exasperation as she walked through the halls. Sending one of her more skittish castle employee’s running in the opposite direction. Not that Celestia noticed, wrapped up in her own thoughts as she was. Celestia caught her reflection in a window. She faltered to a stop and her expression turned grim for a brief moment before she tore her eyes away and resumed walking. She hated the mare in the reflection. She knew she hated the mare in the reflection but felt helpless to feel any differently. That mare was freakishly tall with gangly, grotesque limbs that looked like they belonged on a spider. With a giraffe’s neck and a muzzle that wouldn’t look out of place on a crocodile. But the mare underneath all that glamour was far worse. She always had to fight the urge to dispel the illusion when she was speaking publicly. To stand tall and shout ‘Look upon me Equestria. See how ugly your princess truly is!’ that would be nice, to finally be honest for once. With a start Celestia realized she had passed Raven’s office. Several times in fact. She backtracked then stopped in front of the door and gave the worried looking guard near the door a reassuring smile. Celestia knocked. When there was no answer she tried the door knob and found it locked. The guard coughed politely. “Miss Raven is out in the garden I believe, Your highness.” Celestia smiled again, a bit wider this time, because that was what you did to make others stop worrying about you. “Thank you.” She said and began walking. The guard cleared his throat again, forcing Celestia to stop and turn towards him. “Yes?” She asked. He seemed to struggle with himself for a moment before visibly gathering his courage. Celestia used to find the sight endearing but now it was merely disheartening. Her little ponies always seemed to need so much courage just to approach her. “Is… everything alright, Princess?” the guard asked. That was a question never worth answering truthfully. Because everything feels wrong, the world is cold and… Sometimes you want to die. “Everything is fine, thank you for asking.” celestia smiled once again and continued on her way. The first time she had that thought it took her completely by surprise. It terrified her. It felt so alien, so out of character. Like someone had planted that thought in her head. As the years passed she realized it for the warning sign it was. Summing up her unhappiness in one neat little sentence. She felt guilty for feeling that way. It felt like a moral failing on her part. She had the single best life of any creature in the world. She wanted for nothing and had every luxurie in excess and it only made her feel worse. Celestia knew she didn’t deserve any of it. Had done nothing worthy of being so universally adulated. She was in fact an impostor in gilded wrapping paper. A present that nopony wanted to open. The fantasies had started soon after. Martyrdom was the most prevalent. Sacrificing herself to save her ponies thereby proving herself worthy of their undeserved love. In her darker moments she would imagine the death she felt she deserved. The kingdom would rise up and overthrow her once they finally realized how unfit she truly was. Maybe she would be assassinated or locked away in a prison like she…  She had done to her sister and was simply forgotten until she finally wasted away. A fitting end for one such as her. Celestia slowed to a stop, her destination and the world around forgotten. Celestia's thoughts turned bitter. Or most recently, Her prized student turned fellow princess, Twilight Sparkle. Who was better than her in every way that mattered. Would finally realize how worthless Celestia really was. It only seemed like a matter of time, after all. Twilight had already mostly dismissed her. Only contacting her when she needed something, like advice Celestia felt in no way qualified to give. Or approval. Oh the damnable approval. Celestia remembered where she was and backtracked towards the garden.  Dear Twilight was always searching for something that she was incapable of giving. Driving her student into a desperate bid to impress, no matter the cost. Celestia’s heart couldn’t bear it. She was failing her just like she failed everypony else she cared about. Her toxic inner self bleeding out into the world and poisoning everything around her. Celestia finally reached the garden and stepped out into her sunlight. She stood there in the grass with her eyes closed, basking in the warmth. The search for Raven no longer seemed all that important. That was the real reason she had sent Twilight away to Ponyville. To protect her little prodigy from her mistakes. Luna was returning and Celestia had made peace with her fate. Even looked forward to it. Finally she would be held accountable for all the things she had done over the years. But then unexpectedly, Twilight and her friends defeated Nightmare Moon and brought her sister back. It was such a Twilight thing to do. She had saved Celestia from herself and hadn’t even realized it. The friendship lessons were a spur of the moment idea. To coax Twilight into staying away from Canterlot so she had room to grow. Not that she needed much convincing. And grow she did. Celestia quickly realized that the friendship letters were more for her own benefit than anyone else’s. It was such a selfish and Celestia thing to do. They didn’t help. Friendship required trust and somewhere over the long years… Sometimes Celestia resented her. Twilight had been good for Equestria. Been good for her too if she was being honest. But few things could make Celestia feel like a tyrant more than the way others would put her needs above their own. And Twilight was the worst offender in that regard. That's not how she wanted their relationship to be. Celestia opened her eyes and walked towards the empty spot where discord’s statue once stood. There was nothing to indicate where it once was. The gardener’s were very good at their jobs but Celestia remembered. She had looked at it at least once a week for well over a thousand years, maybe even two. It was hard to tell sometimes. The years bled together and sometimes a century would feel like a decade. It would be easy to blame him for her problems and she had for a long time. Maybe if she was a better pony than she could have done for him what fluttershy did. So many things would have been better, could have been avoided if she had only stopped to see him for what he was.  Lonely. Celestia picked a wildflower from a nearby flowerbed and munched on it. The gardens were empty this time of day much to her relief. She didn’t really feel like talking to anypony at the moment. So she found a comfortable looking spot to sit on the grass and think some more. There seemed to be quite a lot on her mind lately she noticed. Usually her work kept her mind safely occupied. Work, she admitted to herself, that wasn’t strictly necessary for her to do personally.  Everything hurts. I want to die. Trust. She was thinking about trust. Luna was the first pony that came to mind. It always seemed to come back to her. It was her own fault, Celestia knew. For what happened to Luna. Luna trusted her and it broke her. Broke both of them. Celestia knew that if she had been a better pony than none of it would have happened. Nightmare Moon would never have existed. She would never have had to use brute force to make the elements work. Elements that rejected her because of it. The sting would always be fresh. She was a terrible… friend, to Luna. Trust. Celestia no longer trusted herself. Trust caused pain. No. No one should trust her. She was a blight. A too bright sun that scorched anything that got too close to ashes. She needed to keep everypony at a distance. That was the only way to keep them safe. Celestia sighed and stood.  Her tired joints popped as she did so.  Sometimes, despite herself, her need to be around other ponies got the best of her. Blinded her to the reality of her situation and the effect she had on others. Twilight’s school play came unbidden to mind. To think, someone had asked her to participate in something that wasn’t related to the state or an emergency. For a few precious hours Celestia felt wanted and not just merely needed. Of course her being her, she had to go and ruin everything with her over enthusiasm and general lack of talent. Then run away like a petulant child when things didn’t go as planned. Or when a certain someone voiced their disapproval. Funny how that works.  Thousands of years old and still vulnerable to the opinions of others. She opened her wings and took to the air, heading to her room's balcony. She had a sudden desire to look in the mirror. To truly look at herself. She could see several gardeners at work and a few guards patrolling as she flew overhead. Still no Raven she realized. But maybe that was for the best. Celestia no longer desired to speak with her. A moment later she was inside her room with the curtains drawn tight and several spells to keep out anypony who might try to enter. Celestia stood in front of her mirror. With a deep breath she removed her heavy golden peytral from around her neck and let it clatter to the floor. The effect was instantaneous. Princess Celestia no longer stood in front of the mirror. Instead it was just Celestia. Now that the illusion was gone she sighed a sad wistful ghost of air as she properly looked at herself for the first time in years. Her coat had faded from snow white to sickly ash. Her mane was whisper thin and tangled badly from not having seen a brush in several lifetimes. Deep bags hung under weary, bloodshot eyes from a thousand years of restless nights. And everywhere along her body, scars crisscrossed and cut through the fur. From battle or simple accidents. Some forgotten, most regretted. Her wings were missing most of their feathers and the ones that remained looked frayed and worn. Worst of all was her skeletal frame from centuries of skipping meals. She looked like a corpse. Somewhere along the way her body had stopped repairing itself. Celestia knew she was dying In the only way an alicorn could truly die. By wanting to. This didn’t bother her as much as she thought it should. Celestia looked away and put her peytral back on. That was enough. After making sure her illusion was back in place she collapsed onto her bed. There were a hundred things she could be doing but nothing she needed to do. All she wanted was sleep.  She was always so tired. Celestia’s mind wandered back to the days when she was young. Little Luna was too young to look after herself. Ponies of every race would shun them for being too different. This was sometime after the unification when ponies should have tolerated each other. And they did to an extent. But a pony with all three traits? Well, that was just too different. Unicorns would throw stones because they had wings. Pegasi would harass them with storm clouds because they had a horn. And earth ponies would kick her twice as hard for having both. It wasn’t until Luna grew up and they both discovered their special talent for tending to the sky together that they became useful and worthy of respect. If only because that meant unicorns wouldn’t have to work so hard on a daily basis to do something that should have happened naturally. Celestia needed more of that acceptance. Craved it. She remembered happy memories of helping other ponies. Devoted herself to them. Eventually they made her a princess and by extension Luna too. Luna. It always seemed to come back to her. Every pony she made happy back then came at the expense of driving Luna further away. Celestia could remember how Luna was back then. Moody, aloof with the occasional outburst of anger. Celestia had thought it a phase. Something her little sister would eventually grow out of. Or even worse, maybe it was just in her nature to be that way! Sad, morose and misunderstood little Luna. Abandoned by her sister and ignored by everyone. Nightmare moon wasn’t a monster. She had saved Luna from the one pony that she should never have to be saved from, her big sister.  Eventually sleep never came. Celestia scooted over to the edge of her bed and sat up. Her eyes burned from unshed tears. She needed to see Luna. To tell Luna how sorry she was. How awful she was to her back then. How she felt. How she really looked, everything. How sometimes Celestia wanted to... she shuddered violently then stood abruptly and walked with a tired shuffle towards the door. Her head hung low as she passed through the darkened halls. Celestia barely noted through her weariness that the sun had been lowered without her. She didn’t care. Hadn’t cared for a long time. It was just her reason for existing, hardly worth mentioning. A Lunar guard wearing silver armor wordlessly opened the throne room door as Celestia approached. She could see Luna in the distance. Sitting on their shared dias and talking to a petitioner. ‘Good for her’ Celestia thought.  At the last moment Celestia veered to the side and exited down a small hallway. A brief look of confusion passed through the stoic guards features before he closed the door again. Coward! Celestia admonished herself. It's just Luna, you can talk to her. You know this, Celestia. Luna has proven herself to be a caring and understanding pony. You. can. Talk. to. Her. but then… you’d have to talk to her. Tell her about all those things you’d rather not say. All those secrets… so many secrets. What if she didn’t understand? You’ve made some hard choices over the years, Celestia. What if she rebukes you? What if she hates you? Or even worse… forgives you. Tells you that everything is going to be okay. That we’ll get through this together. You don’t deserve kindness, Celestia. Celestia stopped in the middle of an empty hallway. How long had she been wandering aimlessly? She took a deep breath and wiped away a few stray tears that had managed to leak out. Moonlight shone clearly through the many windows. She could feel more tears coming.  Celestia lit her horn and with a flash of yellow light she was back in her room. She took a moment to gather her tea set and moved outside to the balcony. She sat on a cushion beside her outside table and brewed her tea. Thanks to her magic she was sipping boiling hot tea in less than a minute. It boiled and steamed in her cup. Too hot for anyone that wasn't her. After a few moments of watching the stars, the tears finally came. Usually best to just let it happen she knew. You can only hold it in for so long. How long had it been since the last time? A decade? Two? It hardly mattered. The stars looked like they were underwater.  Celestia drank her tea one small sip at a time as the sky slowly moved towards dawn, still several hours away. Finally feeling some semblance of peace. She craved tiny moments of catharsis like this. “Sister?” Celestia nearly jumped out of her seat and a bit of tea splashed into her fur. “Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you.” Luna said with a wry grin. Celestia dabbed at her coat with a napkin. Luna was just a blurry blue smudge in Celestia’s vision as she sat at the small table across from her. The best thing about wearing an illusion was that no one had to see you cry. “No, it's fine. I didn’t expect to have company. Would you like some tea?” Celestia asked. “Yes please, You always make the best tea.” Luna replied as she sat across from Celestia. Her back towards the horizon. Celestia magiced another cup from her private cupboard in her room and set it in front of Luna. It was a small thing with several chips along its rim. If one looked closely they would see many fine cracks running through it where it had been painstakingly glued back together. Luna examined the cup as Celestia poured tea into it. “We feel that there is an interesting story behind this cup. ‘Tis easy enough to replace but you felt the need to repair it. Why, pray tell?” Celestia blinked then squinted, her vision still blurry from the tears. She fought the urge to dry her eyes in front of company. Instead she leaned forward slightly to get a better look. She recognized the cup but the memory was just out of reach. “Sister.” Luna stated flatly. Celestia looked up from the teacup and towards Luna. “Hmmm?” “The tea.”  Luna said. Celestia looked back towards the teacup. The tea was running over the brim and across the table. She gasped and set the teapot down. “Sorry.” She said and summoned some more cloth napkins from her cupboard and began mopping up the mess. On a whim she summoned a new cup for Luna and replaced the damaged one. Sliding it over to an empty place at the table. Luna took the opportunity to fill her new cup while Celestia was distracted by soaking up the spilled liquid. She glanced at the cracked cup while she did so. “Were you expecting someone else?” Celestia finished cleaning the mess and set the wet napkins aside. Had she been expecting someone else? She glanced towards the empty spot at the table she had just created then quickly looked away. Something about that particular spot with that particular cup left her feeling just a bit more empty. The memory was still just there out of reach. A part of her knew she didn't wish to remember. But then… that was true for most of her memories. “I...can’t seem to recall at the moment. I think perhaps I was.” Celestia replied. Luna nodded but didn’t say anything. Instead opting to take a sip from her cup. A sort of companionable silence began to settle in between the two as they sipped tea together. Celestia felt tension she didn't even realize was there, beginning to ease out of her shoulders.  After a while Luna began humming a tune. An idle sound but somehow oddly captivating. Celestia’s eyelids grew heavy. For once the world didn't feel so wrong. Everything was where it was supposed to be. Because she was here with Luna. So she let her eyes slowly drift shut. The last thing Celestia heard before they closed completely was her sister wishing her pleasant dreams.