> Maneater: Equestrian Edition > by The Cowardly Christian > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- > It begins... > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Maneater: Equestrian Edition I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING! ...III... ...III... "Equestria... (shows close up on the beautiful world of Equestria.) "A picturesque, utopian society of nudist ponies who embrace love, friendship and harmony... (Show portals opening up. Spewing out toxic muck, man-eating 'things' and gallons and gallons of water...) "Well, at least until we dumped trillions of tons of toxic runoff, glacial flood water, and deadly sea life here through interdimensional portals!" (show various scenes of pony cities being flooded as their citizens run for their lives, many being eaten by sharks, the few survivors are glowing a sickly green and growing tentacles as they drag their half-eaten plots out of the water...) "That's right ladies and Gentleman! Against all controversy, popular demand and failed UN military attempts to stop us turning the earth into a 'waterworld' rip-off of a crapshack world just for a TV show...'Maneater' is back for a new season! And ready to frack up a new world!" ...Maneater Theme Song... Shark lives in the river, And there's one in me. Shark lives in the river, And I swear he's hunting me. Made a deal with the devil, Please set me free, Shark lives in the river, And he's coming after me. ...Song end... "And as always, I- Your Meme-candy host Slenderman am here to corrupt innocence and spill blood...and were not about to run out of blood!" Shouts Slenderman through a mike as he stands on the flooded out ruins of what used to be Canterlot. it was now a makeshift shanty-town filled with ponies desperately trying to stay above water... "Before we get started I thought I'd give our gracious host some opening words!" He gestures to a very frazzled, twitchy and dirty Princess Twilight Sparkle as she just stares in horror at the twisted abomination before her AND what it had done to her beautiful country... "Tell us your majesty, how do you feel about the upcoming competition...?" Asked the eldritch creature as it held a mike to the Purple Alicorn Princess... She glared at him, "How do I feel? How do I feel!? YOU RUINED OUR HOME! FLOODED HALF THE CONTINENT! We were in the middle of a friendship festival- I SAW MY BEST FRIEND RIPPED APART BY A RABID HAMMERHEAD! The hospitals are full of glowing ponies vomiting blood after drinking the water! I don't even want to talk about how all the radiation and mutagens are affecting the mystic ecosystem-" "Good, because the viewers don't care." Interrupted Slenderman dismissively before Twilight could go on another rant. She gaps at him in irritated disbelief as he turns back to the 'camera', she tries to shoot him full of holes with her horn...but they just bounce right off him... "Well, in any case. Our pony friends need not fear. For in order to help them deal with this unfortunate accident- "THAT YOU CAUSED!" (ignores her) -Were bringing the best, the brightest, THE most professional shark hunters from the dystopian crap-shack we left behind on earth. So they can rest easy..." "Most professional? THEY'RE A BUNCH OF DEGENERATE CRIMINALS! In the THREE DAYS they've been here; I've had more ponies injured in their drunken brawls, looting and 'target practice'. Then from all the shark attacks we've had in the past month!" Starts to sob a bit. "We were a magical, beautiful society who cherished love and friendship over all else...WE DID NOT KNOW ABOUT 'RAPE' TILL YOUR HUMANS CAME HERE AND WE WOULD'VE BEEN VERY HAPPY TO HAVE KEPT LIVING IN IGNORANCE OF IT YOU BASTARD!" Slenderman laughs, "Well, seems like the princess has been absorbing some of the foreign culture, what a mouth on her! Good for you my dear! Never a bad idea to broaden your horizons..." "What?! That's what you got from that? What is wrong with you!?" Exclaims Twilight as she tries to impale this monster with magic swords, but Slenderman just ignores them as they shatter on him and just continues on without missing a beat. "The contest is simple: the amount of man-eating, invasive wild-life the assorted shark-hunter crews successfully capture or kill will be tallied at the end of each day. The shark hunter crew with the highest kill-count at the end of each say will receive a little reward- "The pony eating aquatic wild life is only PART of our problems! What about the toxic pollution? Half the other kingdoms were flooded as well! You can't imagine the political tension right now- (continues ignoring her) -the contest overall will end when the 'final boss' is killed...but more on that later- "HELLO!? Are you listening to me? We're experiencing FOOD shortages! Some ponies have actually resorted to CANNIBALISM, yet another term I could've gone my whole life without knowing! Furthermore- (Continues ignoring her) -The grand prize will be- among other things -a one way all-expense paid ticket off your dead, boring earth and permanent beach side property here in glittering Equestria!" Twilight loses her temper again and slams lightning down on him while screaming in incoherent rage. Naturally, he ignores this and continues. "Now let's go see some of our contestants!" Suddenly he teleports to a new location and continues to do so for each new contestant introduction... ... "The scourge of the Swampland; Bayou Willy! Formerly the worlds top alligator hunter. Once hunting alligators became too 'easy', Bayou Willy moved on to bigger prey. Now he's looking for sharks to make some new boots out of - it shrugs- You can take the man out of the bayou, but I guess you can't take the bayou out of the man." "These boots were made for stomping sharks, and that's just what they'll do!" Shouts the blonde man with sunglasses and Hawaiian shorts as he rides his pet alligators like ski's across the ocean... "Croc killer has crocodile pet's, man I bet there's a good story there..." ... "The Bartender life-ender; Bobbie Bojangles! Five time winner of the quad county chili cookoff with her shark-gator chili, Bobbie says she's now looking to get more meat for the pot." "Them shark's good eating I do declare!" Shouts a large heavy-set woman in large overalls as she rallies her large fleet of shark hunting drunks/bar tab-dodgers. "Give people free beer and firearms to hunt for you...well if that ain't a winning combo I don't know what is!" ... "The Savage Shrimper; Pookie Paul! After getting kicked out of the Coast Guard for drinking and insubordination stemming from an incident involving an exploding Moonshine still. Pookie Paul seeks to redeem himself by saving the human race through acts of violence against Shark, Human, Pony and anyone else that's gets in his way!" "THOSE SHARKS ARE GONNA DIE! BECAUSE I'M GOING TO KILL IT!" Shouts the Cajun shrimper on top of his giant fishing trawler, built with over 100 net's, each of which is over a mile long and electrified... "Well, he's got his eye's on the prize, not much more you can ask then that..." ... "The Fishing Phenom; Candyman Curtis! Ordinarily posing in front of the camera and wining the gold. This hot-shot is Looking to bounce back after a bad speedboat racing season, the Candyman is putting his skills as a helmsman to different uses now. Desperate for attention, his sponsors threatening to pull, and his fanbase wiped out thanks to the Apocalypse back home. He sees 'Sharkhunters vs. Maneaters' as his last shot to get back on top." "One good shark kill on camera and I'll be back on top!" Shouts an Indian man in a striped shirt and green overalls who was currently squawking on his phone with his agent. A large group of state-of-the-art speedboats by his side... "That's the Hollywood capitalist spirit!" ... "The Hoosier Hotshot; Ensign Tyler Dixon! A career Coast Guard ensign, never advancing due to his unlimited laziness, Ensign Dixon figures maybe bringing in a maneater could get him a few weeks of extra layabout time." "We need to kill this shark before my afternoon nap or I get real grumpy." Grumbles the slothful coast guard as he rallies his fellow coast guard layabouts... "Now there's a man who understands what's important in life!" ... "The Napoo Naturalist; Julia Splenderpoot. A militant believer in mother nature's 'natural order', she's believes in letting nature take it's course...which is why she's painstakingly trained a perfectly natural Apex Predator Orca to kill hostile maneaters in a completely natural way." "It's time for natures children to fulfill their destiny...by dying and allowing their descendants to retake this unspoiled world." "Psychedelic!" ... "The Cornfeed Colossus; Butcher Boy Brady! Scaly Pete's self-proclaimed rival in local sharkhunting circles, Butcher Boy Brady is always looking to show up his Cajun competition." "I don't lose sharks! If that shark gets away, you lost her!" Threatens a giant of a man to his shark-hunting fleet. "Geez man, it's a shark not the girl your stalking...I hope you don't mix those two up in the bedroom as well, hioh!" ... "The Toast of the Coast; Lieutenant Shannon Sims! A no nonsense Coast Guard officer who was on the rise before the apocalypse, Lieutenant Shannon Sims will kill this shark for the good of her career- sees her make a hasty throat slash motion -er, I mean the good of her superiors bottom dollar- sees her face-palm herself and groan -Oh, I mean the ponies! For the good of the ponies!" To the audience he taps the nose-section of his face in a mischievous, knowing way. "Look sharp everyone, I'm not going to let some civilian get this kill." Says the high-ranking Coast guard to her elite team of veteran coast-guard killers... Slenderman shakes his head sadly. "She really needs to sort out her priorities...I mean her superiors are either dead or flat broke. Organized crime and terrorist cells, THAT'S the horse she should be betting on!" ... "The Multi-Million dollar Menace; Mama Maybelle! A high ranking member of the now greatly diminished Antolini crime family, she has decided that Equestria will be the perfect place to rebuild her crime family and will deal with this issue herself." "This shark is going to be swimming with the fishes... but swimming with the fishes differently than it already does... 'cause it will be dead." Said the African American southern belle, as she awkwardly bumbles the joke. Her army of trained mercenaries just roll their eyes... Slenderman winches at the bad joke, "Yikes, don't quit your day job." ... "The Able-Bodied Seaman; Commander Percy Metcalf! Armed with the latest in anti-shark weaponry developed by Project SEAL SQUEAL at Horzine Special Projects, Commander Percy has been dispatched to Equestria to win the contest and establish American dominance in this new land." "Let's see how this shark monster does against the power of SCIENCE!"Explains the scientist naval commander to his army of shark hunter cyborgs. Slenderman yawns, "Really? Shark-hunting cyborgs? Come on people, this is SO last season! Vampire Dinosaurs are what's selling right now!" ... "The BEAST of the Fleet; Robert Brunlett! Brought out of retirement to rebuild a new America in this strange land, Captain Brunlett's service history has largely been classified but rumors of encounters with cryptids and battles against sea monsters abound." "I didn't survive the Battle of Innsmouth to let my country surrender to the sea." Slenderman reminisces fondly. "Ah, the Battle of Innsmouth...best spring break ever..." Suddenly looks startled. "Oh, shit! I left Cthulhu buried in the sand!" ... "The Serial Killer Social Climber; Preston Northwest. The richest man on earth, he seeks to expand this title to TWO worlds now. Preston Northwest was sun-tanning next to his family, when he suddenly looked up startled. "Wha? You need a sound-byte? Stop bugging me, I have people who do that for me." He throws a wad of bills at one of his servants. "Give the man a sound byte!" "I came here to do three things: Kill sharks, buy a unicorn for my daughter and eat caviar. And I just ran out of caviar- "What!? How dare you?! My caviar storage facilities are the finest in the world! I drained all the great lakes just so I could have my own self-sustaining fish supply to be made FOR the Caviar! How dare you lie about my wealth! YOUR FIRED!" The servant is grabbed and shot out of a cannon, he screams as he flies through the air and splatters on a nearby rock. "By the way, happy...whatever holiday were close to my daughter!" He brings a green unicorn with a Lyre cutie mark, and wearing and electrified slave collar forward... Lyra whimpers...Preston brings out a monitor that shows a certain beige earth pony with a candy cutiemark that's been tied to a chair and brutally beaten and makes a slicing motion with his neck. Lyre's eyes widen in fear as she quickly turns to the blonde sunbathing in the golden one-piece. "Uh, hello Pacifica. I want to be your best friend! Will you play with me forever?!" Her eyes twitch as she forces the smile Pacifica also forces a smile, then gives the unicorn a hug, politely thanks her father, then quickly whispers to her "I can get your friend out, just give me time." "Whoa, drama bomb! Well, moving on! Much to see! ... "The Lumberjack who got the most Back; Manly Dan! Currently tied in for first place with Scaly Pete for most shark kills in a single day! Seeks to win a new home for his family." "Get that dang camera out of my face! Bad enough you destroyed our home, my wife, my sons and these poor ponies home. I'll be dammed if I play along with your dang bloodsport more then I have to, NOW GET THE HELL OFF MY BOAT!" His daughter Wendy eagerly pushes the camera guy into the waters to be immediately devoured. "Fair enough!" Said Slenderman with a laugh. ... "And now last but certainly not least, our reigning Maneater champion: SCALY PETE!...right after a word from our sponsers! ... Hey you! Hate Jerry's more then anything? Loved Season 3 for finally kicking him out of the house, but hated the finally when he was allowed back? A Jerry jumps from a bush and runs screaming through the Jungle before a Rick runs him down with an RV. "Then don't delay, come down to Slenderman's Jerry Safari today!" A gang of Ricks happily gun down a horde of Jerry's... "Where Ricks get a 50% discount or best offer! "And remember: The deadliest game...is somewhere Else. Your basically shooting fish in barrels here..." "Hey!" Shouts a Jerry who stops running. "Since your mass-cloning us for no other reason then to be murdered, mutilated and tortured for SPORT! The least you could do is not insult- YEE-HAW! SLASH! Shouts a Rick right before he rides by on a horse and slices off the Ricks head...and then tramples the body to paste for good measure... Slenderman laughs as the screen fades to black... ...III…... TO BE CONTINUED?