Sonder
Laughter wasn’t something that Gallus was accustomed to.
A lot was different about Equestria: the embraces, the chatter between friends over lunch, the pleasantries exchanged between neighbors… laughing. It was perfectly foreign to the griffon who had learned to keep his thoughts to himself and his beak shut, to refrain from interactions with anygriffon in public, to go out only when absolutely necessary. It didn’t seem as if Equestrians could understand this mindset.
Then again, it’s foreign.
Gallus glanced between his lunch tray and his friends who were happily chatting about their classes for the day. There was an ongoing debate about whether Fluttershy’s or Applejack’s class was the best for the day. The majority so far was leaning in favor of Fluttershy -- as it always did -- and while Gallus would have been engaged to serve as the novel contrarian, today he just couldn’t.
He stirred his salad around with his fork. Griffons didn’t usually eat greens, and at this point he would’ve given a kidney to have some meat -- a taste of home.
A taste of home! Gallus scoffed to himself. One of life’s cruel jokes!
‘But those chicks were so cute!’ Silverstream squealed, pressing her talons against her cheeks.
‘Yeah, but did you take anything else from Professor Fluttershy’s class?’ Ocellus asked, furrowing a brow. ‘The chicks were cute, but I really like Professor Applejack’s analogy with the appletree. I thought it was pretty clever.’
‘That’s her entire schtick -- the tree!’ Smolder chuckled, before nudging Ocellus in the side. ‘But I get what you mean.’
‘Chicks were best!’ Yona declared. ‘Yona thinks little chicks were best!’
‘The chicks were pretty neat.’ Sandbar agreed, lapping up the rest of his fruit punch before leaning back. ‘What did you think, Gallus?’
Gallus stopped stirring his fork around in his salad, and glanced up toward the rest of the group. He had intentionally distanced himself from the group at the table, hoping he could just be left to his thoughts for the day. They hadn’t noticed that -- thankfully -- but he was sure they noticed his silence. The brief pause in the conversation seemed to change its tone, because instead of the smiles he had to be accustomed to, there were more curious glances.
Those were a thousand times worse.
‘I didn’t really like either.’ Gallus shrugged. He couldn’t think of a better response. ‘I thought Pinkie’s was the best.’
‘What?’ Yona asked. ‘But silly griffon didn’t pay attention!’
‘No, I didn’t.’ Gallus admitted. ‘I don’t know, I just… y’know…’
‘How don’t you know what you like?’ Smolder asked, tilting her head to one side.
‘It’s just that, well, before I came here I didn’t laugh…’ No, that sounded too pathetic! Gallus’ tongue moved faster than any solid excuse he could think: ‘--for a long time.’
‘Griffons have bad jokes?’ Yona questioned.
‘Griffons have the worst jokes.’ Gallus agreed. ‘Griffons don’t tell jokes, or pull pranks… griffons don’t do anything like that.’
The table went quiet. Now it was ten-thousand times worse. Gallus dropped his fork and frantically went into automatic recovery-mode. He gathered what he could on his tray, looking busy to collect his lunch to dispose of. He’d just need to get that, dump, say he wasn’t feeling well and excuse himself. After that he would head to his room, crawl under the covers and just go to sleep.
‘Uh, Gallus?’ Silverstream said. ‘That’s the salt shaker.’
Gallus froze, looked down what he held in his talons and saw what Silverstream told him. He frowned and set the salt back down on the table, opening his beak before he feigned to the best of his ability a croak in his throat: ‘S-sorry, I’m not feeling well. Let Headmare Twilight know I’m going to go get some bedrest--’
‘Gallus not fooling anycreature.’ Yona interrupted. ‘What is problem?’
‘The flu.’ Gallus deflected. ‘I’m just not feeling good, I just need to rest it off, seriously!’
‘Gallus, you can be honest with us--’ Ocellus tried to say.
‘I’m being a hundred percent honest!’ Gallus dismissed. ‘Good luck in class, I’ll follow up with you for the homework!’
The griffon lifted himself off his seat with a tray in his talons, rushing over to the line of rubbish bins that lined one of the walls. He didn’t even bother cleaning it off completely, deciding to shove the tray into the bin directly before he took a wide angle around the room. He avoided his friends and shot through the double doors past a few ponies. They dodged out of the way, glaring at Gallus as he skidded through the hallway.
For somegriffon who “had the flu,” he was moving unreasonably quick.
Gallus shot past who he thought was Rarity, spiraled up the stairs and threw himself through the door, locking it behind him. He impulsively kept his back pressed against the door, his breathing so strained that it reminded him of--
Tears brimmed at the corners of his eyes as he slumped down onto the floor. He bit his tongue with his sharp beak, drawing blood, but nevertheless suppressing any sort of distressed cry. He learned not to do that. He learned to not do many things. He embraced himself in the way he learned back in Griffonstone, bowing his head in the way he had done before to ask… for what?
There was a knocking on the door. At least that was different. Still, he didn’t answer. For all intents and purposes, he wasn’t there. They didn’t know he was there. They didn’t know…
They didn’t know.
‘Gallus?’
The voice stirred the griffon who still used himself to barricade the door. He brushed his tear-covered talons across his feathers and leaned his head back against the door, praying the silence on his end would be reason enough for whoever is knocking to turn away… but after several moments, he heard no movement.
This was followed by a light knocking, the clearing of throat, and the soft voice asking again: ‘Gallus? Are you okay?’
It was Ocellus.
He stayed silent.
There was a sigh on the other end of the door. ‘I’m not going to walk away, if that’s what you’re hoping I’ll do.’
‘Go back to class, I’m fine.’ Gallus finally replied.
‘Class ended a few hours ago, Gallus. We’re all worried for you.’
‘All?’ He scoffed. ‘But you’re the only one here?’
Ocellus was quiet now.
‘Look, I’m just sick. I need some time. I’ll be fine.’
‘Gallus, I think I know what the problem is.’
Gallus cocked his head upright, his head turning toward the door. His talons were almost reaching for the door handle to open it, but he hesitated. The notorious griffon skepticism held him back from receiving one of the only friends he had -- or rather, still had. He fought against whatever instinct held him back, opening the door for the changeling. She didn’t walk in immediately and instead waited outside.
She was putting this all on him now? A string of griffish curses came to mind, but he repressed them. He didn’t want to have to be the one to act, it meant admitting that he needed someone other than himself…
He hated that.
‘Come in.’ Gallus finally said.
Ocellus stepped inside his room, her irisless eyes looking first at his bed before finally turning back to him. Gallus figured she came to the conclusion that he hadn’t even touched his bed, she would’ve noticed there wasn’t as much as a single crinkle in the sheets. He couldn’t see her expression, but he reckoned it was some mix of disappointment that he lied--
‘Gallus…’ Ocellus interrupted his thoughts. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘S-sorry?’ Gallus asked. ‘Sorry about what?’
‘Ever since I came to Equestria and met all of you for the first time, I was introduced to a whole new world. We didn’t have a lot back in Chrysalis’ Hive, and we’ve spent the longest times disguising ourselves as other creatures… that’s all we ever did.’
Gallus watched Ocellus quietly. She turned her head back to him, trying to smile, but that slight quiver in her lip betrayed her. He thought he could see tears forming at the corner of her eyes. He almost wanted to reach out-- no!
“Never show weakness,” he had been told! He had to compose himself. Ignore those weaker actions…
‘I’ve spent so much time pretending to be other creatures -- y’know? -- that I’ve been curious to learn more about them.’ Ocellus continued. ‘When I met all of you, I wanted to really know more about where you came from… we don’t have much back home ever since, well, Chrysalis was overthrown. I was hoping that by reading about the yaks, the hippogriffs, dragons and griffons... I could replicate something.’
‘Why would you want to copy other creatures?’ Gallus asked.
There were tears now.
‘Because I’ve spent my entire life afraid, Gallus. Afraid of going against the word of a Queen, doing something, being something, it doesn’t matter. Point is that we were supposed to align ourselves with the Hive at all times, but the only thing that made us the Hive was what we were told to do…’ Ocellus wiped the tears with her hoof. ‘I guess in that way I know what you might be feeling.’
Gallus didn’t know what to say. As she spoke, he heard only his own words… all he needed to do is replace “Queen” with “President.” Gallus shrugged off admitting that much, keeping his talons glued to the floor the best he could, despite how hard it was to not reach out.
‘Know what?’ Gallus asked.
‘Gallus, I told you I read a lot…’ Ocellus responded. ‘I know what today is.’
Those five words defused whatever resistance Gallus could muster. His excuses weren’t going to work now, especially since… well, especially since she knew.
Whatever composure he maintained vanished almost as soon as those words left his friend’s mouth, his quivering attempt to hold a neutral expression giving way into the defeated look in his eyes.
Now he was the one crying.
‘I… uh…’ Gallus couldn’t even form a sentence without falling deeper into the despair that claimed him those many moons ago. His weak voice managed to spill out thoughts faster than he could think them: ‘Ocellus… I’d just like some time alone, please.’
‘It doesn’t get better being alone,’ Ocellus said. ‘Trust me… I’ve tried. I just wanted to let you know I’m here, and that I can help--’
‘They…’ Gallus struggled to say. ‘They put me in a cage.’
He shouldn’t have said that. He should’ve just avoided it, thanked her and moved on! What good was it to say what happened? No good ever followed from sharing that dark history… not to anygriffon. It was a piece of information that could be used against him, it was something that the pro-Interim held above his head as a method of control.
They wanted him to remember. But they didn’t want any other creature to ever know.
Ocellus was closer to him now, her hoof reaching out. He would’ve tried to avoid it, find something to brush it off, avoid what could’ve been sympathy… but instead he let her touch his shoulder.
‘I just wanted change!’ Gallus continued to explain, the urge to repress any mention of this event slipping with every flick of his tongue. ‘T-to be allowed to say what we wanted without fearing being beat with a club! And what did they do?! They gassed us, struck us, tortured us! They didn’t stop until everygriffon gave up their posters and banners! I…’
‘Oh, Gallus!’ Ocellus softly said.
‘I-I don’t even know what happened to my friends…’ Gallus finally admitted. ‘I never saw them again. They took them from me!’
There was more than a hoof on his shoulder now. Ocellus tugged him closer, wrapping her forelegs around him in an embrace he hadn’t expected to ever get. His shaking talons followed her example, softly pressing against her carapace as he held on to her. Gallus couldn’t stop sobbing at this point. He didn’t have anything left to hide behind, nothing that he could pretend to be.
‘It’s okay,’ Ocellus tried to comfort. ‘It’s okay…’
‘It’s not okay,’ Gallus cried. ‘Nothing about it is okay!’
‘You’re safe--’
‘If they ever find out that I told anycreature--’
‘We won’t let them.’ Ocellus countered his interruption. ‘No creature here would ever let them, Gallus.’
Gallus hugged Ocellus tighter now. His tears ran off from his cheeks and onto her shoulder, but he didn’t care.
Not anymore.