The Aristocrats
It was another unidentifiable time in Chaosville as Fluttershy sat upside down on the ceiling chair in Discord’s not-so-humble abode. They made a routine to have their Tuesday afternoon teas at Fluttershy’s place and their weekend teas at Discord’s place, although they sometimes mixed it up just in case Discord started fading from existence again.
But this afternoon was a bit more chaotic than usual. Pinkie Pie had made a spontaneous arrival and, while Discord was initially hesitant at first since tea-time was exclusively his and Fluttershy’s thing, he allowed Pinkie inside his house anyway. After all, the last time Pinkie was in Chaosville, she inexplicably (and hopefully accidentally) took Discord’s chaotic powers away from him. Fluttershy listened to Discord and Pinkie telling each other the wackiest of stories.
“And I said ‘Oatmeal? Are you crazy?!’” Pinkie said before laughing.
Discord laughed at Pinkie’s hilarious anecdote, “I would say that guy was crazy but neither of us are paragons of sanity now, are we? Except for Fluttershy.”
“I dunno,” Pinkie said with a cheeky smirk, “She can get a little crazy too. Did she ever tell you about that time a bunch of animals didn’t love her and she nearly ruined the Grand Galloping Gala trying to make them love her?”
“She didn’t!” Discord replied before laughing, “Though, to be fair, that wasn’t the worst thing anypony did at the Grand Galloping Gala.”
Pinkie giggled, “I still got slime in my dress from when you had the Smooze as your plus-one.”
“Is it any wonder Twilight barred us from ever attending the Grand Galloping Gala?” Discord asked rhetorically, “Though I will be having words with her as to why she wouldn’t allow her friends to attend the Gala and yet has no problem inviting that pompous Blueblood.”
Pinkie turned over to face Fluttershy, “What about you, Fluttershy? Surely, you’ve got some funny stories to tell.”
Discord gasped, “Oh, my. We’ve been sharing our own anecdotes and yet we never allowed dear old Fluttershy the chance to share one of hers.”
“Uh…” Fluttershy said quietly, “I don’t think I have that many funny stories to tell. Did Discord tell you about that time he trained his right paw to fetch his left leg?”
“No, but I don’t think it would be as funny as whatever crazy hijinks you get up to when we’re not looking,” Pinkie replied.
Fluttershy put her hoof to her mouth in thought, “Well...there is one funny story but it’s something another friend told me. Do you know what an Aristocrats joke is?”
Pinkie shook her head.
“Oh,” Fluttershy said.
Discord conjured a bucket of popcorn, “Well, I know what an Aristocrats joke is so do continue with whatever tale you were about to tell us.”
A family of travelling showponies entered the office of a talent agency, seeking an agent to represent them and give them business deals for their talents. The father sat down on the chair and faced the talent agent sitting on the opposite side of the big wooden desk. The agent looked to the side and saw that the father’s two foals were of adult age. While it was certainly weird for two grown ponies to be dressed in foalswear that was far too small for them, he assumed it was part of the act.
“So, what is your family’s act?” the talent agent asked.
“Uh…” the father stammered, “Hmm...you know, it would be better if we show you because it’s difficult to put into words.”
“Do whatever’s suitable for you,” the agent said.
The father got up from his chair and the family sat down on the floor, pretending to eat food.
“Okay, so imagine that we’re sitting at the dinner table eating our supper,” the father said as he gestured at his family.
“I’m already imagining it,” the agent said.
“So, son,” the father said to his son, “How’s your day at school been?”
“It was great!” the son said, “We had a substitute teacher with no mane and a big shiny head so me and my buddies called him Mr. Garibaldi. It was the most hilarious thing ever!”
The father laughed jovially, “Oh, you cheeky scamp!”
And out of nowhere, the father pulled out a belt and struck his son with the belt buckle so hard, it nearly took the son’s eye out. The son screamed in agony as the father continued beating the son with the belt until he eventually succeeded in removing the son’s eyeball from its socket. The daughter, feeling aroused by the situation, pinned the son to the wall and began to Prench kiss him while grabbing a knife from her undergarments. And with a swift stroke, she cut the poor stallion’s stallionhood off and proceeded to stick the dismembered member onto her own crotch with the power of flex tape. Still unsatisfied, she cut open a small hole in the son’s belly and proceeded to viciously fuck the hole with thrusts so powerful, it nearly took the wall down.
The mother, wanting a bit of that action, pulled a vibrator from under the talent agent’s desk, turned it on, shoved it all the way into her tortured son’s empty eye socket and watched as the vibrator fucked out his brains to the point that he became a drooling vegetable. The father then passed the belt over to his wife and watched as the wife choked the living shit out of her own daughter, both of them getting extremely wet from the situation. Deciding he wanted a bit of that action too, the father picked up his daughter’s knife and slit his own wife’s throat with it before sticking his own hoof into the open neck wound and reaching all the way to her tongue. With a firm grip on the wife’s tongue, he yanked it out to give her a Clopombian Necktie. Despite all the carnage going on, the father and talent agent were attentive enough to hear the door knocking.
“That must be my friends from work,” the father said casually.
The father opened the door and was greeted by a butch stallion wearing a construction helmet.
“I’m so glad you could make it,” the father said affably, “And you brought the cocaine, ferrets, and noose too.”
The father’s friends entered the office and ripped open the great big bag of cocaine before releasing the rabid ferrets. In their drug-fuelled frenzy, everypony (except for the agent) and the ferrets had an orgy with the father fucking his wife, the butch pony fucking the daughter, the catatonic son seizing as the ferrets crawled into his open stomach and ripped his innards apart, one ferret shooting itself all the way up the butch pony’s anus, and two of the father’s other friends making out while hoofing the father. And for some inexplicable reason, everypony (except for the agent and the father) inflated like balloons. Very sexy balloons. Up until the ferrets jumped out of the son’s inflated corpse and bit every other inflated pony, popping them and decorating the office with blood, viscera, and other abominations.
Oh, and they also bit the father’s dick off. Not that the father minded.
“Well then,” the father said as he wrapped the rope from the noose around his neck and performed a backflip from the agent’s desk, “Off to hang myself. Watch and lea-”
The father’s neck snapped.
The agent looked at the walls of his bloodied, entrails-covered office and calmly breathed in.
“WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!” the agent asked calmly.
“The Aristocrats,” the father jovially replied before dropping dead again.
Pinkie and Discord stared flabbergasted at the giggling Fluttershy. Who would have thought that the kindest, sweetest pony in Equestria had such a sick sense of humour? Granted, it was a joke that somepony else told Fluttershy but it was still surprising that Fluttershy of all ponies would actually find that joke funny.
“Too much?” Fluttershy asked, concerned by her friends staring at her.
After a moment of silence, Discord loudly guffawed at the absurdity of it all. Pinkie, meanwhile, just changed her expression from shock to confusion.
“I don’t get it,” Pinkie flatly stated.