> Coda
>  by Krickis
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> 1 – Obligations
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Coda




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Chapter One
Obligations

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When it came down to it, the whole thing was just another obligation. Therapy wasn’t something Fluttershy wanted to do, it wasn’t like it was something that really helped. It was just something that was expected of her. Something she had to do to placate the others. Something that would allow her to keep touring with her Bitchette family.

At least it was the last time for a while. “So your time off is coming to an end then,” Daffodil Breeze said. She smiled at Fluttershy. “Back to work.”

“Oh, I don’t think of it as work.” Fluttershy smiled back. “I’m looking forward to it. It’s all this sitting around doing nothing that makes me anxious.”

“Do you feel anxious these days?”

Right away, Fluttershy felt foolish. She wasn’t supposed to say things like that. That gave the impression that she was having a harder time than she was, and that was exactly what the therapist was looking for. “Only a little.”

“What do you do to keep busy when you’re not on tour?”

“Well, the reason we took the time off in the first place was to record. We spent a few months writing and recording a new album, then I’ve been working with the label to get it released. Meanwhile, Rainbow and I have been recording our own album. So really, it hasn’t been like I’ve been on vacation at all.”

Daffodil Breeze gave her a strange look. “So it doesn’t sound like you’ve been ‘sitting around doing nothing’ after all.”

Fluttershy nodded. “Well, we wrapped up things with the label a few weeks ago, got our advance copy of the album, and it’s all set to drop on Friday. There was a little extra work for me and Rainbow, since we started another project called Coda.” 

“Right, the album you wrote.”

“I wrote the lyrics,” Fluttershy corrected. “Rainbow and I both wrote the music. It was fun, it’s a different genre from Bitchette. Experimental alternative rock instead of radio-friendly punk.”

Daffodil nodded and refocused the conversation. “Sounds like you’ve been very busy.”

“Well, yes, but work on both albums is wrapped up. I’m still finalizing a few details on the Coda album with the label, but for the most part it’s just the occasional email. So really, these past three weeks have been a lot of doing nothing before the tour starts.”

“I see.” Daffodil adjusted her glasses. “So three weeks is a lot of time for you to take off then?”

“Well, it’s not like it’s a lot. They needed time to manufacture and ship the album, no point in touring until the album is out or around the corner. It’s all a normal part of the process, and I’m used to it.”

“But you don’t like having that much time off.”

It wasn’t a question, it was a statement. And one Fluttershy could only agree with. “Not really, no. I like to keep busy.”

“Most people would be happy for a little time off.”

“Is it bad to want to do something?”

Daffodil drummed her fingers on the table for a moment. “No, not exactly. But it would be good if you were able to relax as well.”

“I don’t feel like I need to relax. I feel the best when I’m able to work on something.”

“I think finding a hobby would be good for you. Something you can do in your spare time when you’re not working.”

Fluttershy grinned. “I could always take up music.”

Daffodil gave her a slight grin and shook her head. “I’m serious. You could learn to paint, or build something, or even something as simple as gardening. It doesn’t have to be life encompassing, I just think you put so much of yourself into your work that you don’t have anything left when you don’t have work to do.”

Fluttershy suppressed an eye roll. As if she would ever have the chance to do anything like that. “I’ll think about it on our next break.”

Daffodil gave a small sigh, but she didn’t push for more. “Let’s take a look at your chart and see how things are progressing.”

She turned to her computer and typed something in. Fluttershy looked away as she did. There was a framed license on the wall, which she stared at. Not the license itself; she didn’t need to check up on Daffodil Breeze’s credentials. But in the glass, in which she could see her reflection.

It wasn’t a clear picture, of course. It wasn’t like she was staring into a mirror. She took note of how long her hair was getting these days. It curled at the ends, which was the only reason it didn’t reach her shoulders. She would have to get it cut again before the tour.

If she didn’t know her face so well, she wouldn’t have taken note of much else in the reflection. She could make out her piercings, one on her left eyebrow and two on either side of her lower lip. There were a few more in her ears, but she couldn’t see those. They were little changes made over the years to look less like the weak and helpless girl she had been as a teenager. If she had seen this reflection back then, would she even recognize it?

“You reported one of your issues when we started was trouble sleeping. Have you been doing any better about that?”

“A little bit,” Fluttershy lied. Truthfully, she had been up half the night again and only got to sleep with a little help from a bottle of alcohol. That was typical for her. “It’s still difficult.”

“Have you talked to your med provider about sleeping aids?”

Fluttershy frowned. “I think it’s better if I stay away from them.”

“Right.” Daffodil swivelled in her chair so she was directly facing Fluttershy. “That brings us to the big one. How are you doing with the suicidal thoughts? Are they getting better with the antidepressants?”

Fluttershy hesitated. “Well, I’m not going to try to kill myself again.”

“That’s great to hear.” Daffodil smiled knowingly. “But are you still thinking about it?”

Fluttershy couldn’t meet her eyes. “I mean, not all the time or anything…”

“Less than before?”

“Yes.” Fluttershy wasn’t sure about that, not really. But if they thought she was suicidal, they might send her to a crisis unit or something, and there was no way that would help her. “I think I’m doing better.”

“Good, I’m really glad to hear that.”

That was all therapy was for Fluttershy. She downplayed her issues just so they wouldn’t commit her or anything, and she just got through it. It didn’t help, not really. The medication did, and that was good enough for Fluttershy. She didn’t need therapy to help her, she just needed it to placate the rest of the band so they’d let her keep touring with them.

The session continued in the same vein. Because it was their last in-person session until the tour was over, Daffodil didn’t push for deeper conversation. Instead, she focused on Fluttershy’s progress over the months that they’d been meeting, which by all accounts seemed to be good.

Or at least, that’s what Fluttershy thought. Daffodil seemed to have other ideas. “I think we have a pretty good rapport between us. We talk about a lot of things, but I don’t know if we’re talking about the right things.”

Fluttershy wasn’t sure how to answer that. “I’m not hiding anything.”

“I’m not saying you are. But it feels like we’re just scratching the surface, and sometimes, like we’re not even doing that.”

“I just…” Fluttershy ran her hand through her hair. “I don’t know what to say. It’s not like bad things are happening that I need to talk about. You know all the stuff that happened in the past, but it’s all in the past and I’ve moved on from it. Now I just have some bad days, but I’m doing okay.”

“Well, you’ve got a few days before leaving for the tour. I know you’ll be busy, but I want you to use this time to think about something that would be helpful to discuss in our first phone meeting.”

Right, the phone meetings. Fluttershy wasn’t looking forward to that, but going on tour didn’t get her out of therapy, it just changed the nature of it. “I’ll try to think of something, but I’m really not sure what to talk about.”

“Just do your best. Maybe it’s something to do with your life growing up, or problems with your job.” A smile grew on Daffodil’s face. “Oh don’t give me that look, I know you like it, but everyone has problems with their job.”

“I’ll think about it.”

Daffodil glanced at the digital clock on her desk. “We have about ten minutes left. Anything on your mind?”

‘How pointless therapy is?’ But of course, Fluttershy just smiled and said, “Not really. All I’ve been thinking about is the tour.”

“Alright, well, let’s talk about the tour then. I’m sure it’ll be a big change for you to be back on the road.”

Fluttershy shook her head. “It feels more like home than being in Everton does.”

“Got any friends on the road you plan on visiting?”

“A few. We’re going to Europe for the second leg of the tour this time, and one of my best friends moved to France.”

“Oh, how exciting! Have you been to Europe before?”

“Yes, we did a small tour once before, but this one will be a lot longer and we’ll be going to places we didn’t get to the first time around. Like Spain, I’ve never been there, but we’ve got two shows there this time around.”

“Very cool. And you’re excited for it?”

“I am. I love to travel.”

“Is there anything about the tour you’re not excited for?”

Fluttershy looked down at her feet. She wasn’t getting out of this without admitting something negative, it seemed. “Well, we agreed on no alcohol backstage, and that changed the whole feeling of the tour. We still go out for drinks here and there, we’re not trying to be completely sober, but, well…”

“Less of a party?” Daffodil asked.

Fluttershy shook her head. “I don’t really mind, it’s just… well, it’s my fault. Everyone has to deal with it because I couldn’t control myself.”

“And you feel guilty about that?”

“I guess.” Fluttershy sighed and looked out of a window. They were on the second story of the mental health facility she had her therapy meetings at, and from across the room, there wasn’t much of a view besides the top of the building across the street. “I know they’re supporting me and I should be happy about that, but I just wish they didn’t have to.”

“There’s no one right way to feel about something,” Daffodil reminded her. “Don’t beat yourself up because you’re not feeling what you think you should be feeling.”

“I know. It’s just hard. It makes me not want to be backstage at their shows, but if I don’t show up, then I have to sleep alone.”

“What do you mean?”

Fluttershy smiled a little. “Well, you know. Groupies and all that.”

“I see. I didn’t realize you did that sort of thing. How do you feel about casual sex?”

Fluttershy blushed a little. Daffodil didn’t seem to find the conversation uncomfortable, but Fluttershy wasn’t used to talking about it so openly. “Well, I don’t know. I guess I like it. I… sleep with girls on tour a lot.”

Daffodil nodded. “There’s nothing wrong with being sexually active, but I do have to ask. Are you being safe?”

“Uhm, I’m gay.” Fluttershy snickered. They’d talked about that already, so she wasn’t sure why this was coming up. “I’m not going to get pregnant.”

“True, but STIs can still be an issue any time there’s fluid exchange. I could provide you with some reading material if you need it.”

Fluttershy’s blush deepened. It wasn’t like it wasn’t something she’d thought about, but, well… “The girls I sleep with always seem healthy. No weird warts or anything like that.”

Daffodil nodded. “But you know, certain STIs don’t show symptoms. I think it would be a good idea to get tested, and in the future to try and limit yourself to sexual partners you know are safe, and avoid fluid exchange when you’re not.”

“I’ll, uhm, keep it in mind.” It wasn’t like Daffodil didn’t have a point, it was just… the other option was to be alone…

“I just want you to be safe. But I can see this is an uncomfortable topic for you, so how about we come back to this in another session when you’ve had some time to process it?”

Fluttershy nodded. “I’d appreciate that.”

Daffodil smiled, then continued along with the conversation as if it were the most natural thing in the world. “I do want to make sure you don’t have any other hangups with sex though. You mentioned not wanting to sleep alone. Is that a big issue for you?”

Fluttershy wouldn’t meet Daffodil’s eyes. “Does anyone like to sleep alone?”

“Sure, some people prefer it. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be close to someone, of course, but do you feel like you need to be with someone?”

“I… no, no I don’t feel like I need to.”

“Good. And you’re okay with it being someone different every night?”

Fluttershy laughed a little. “Relationships have never worked out well for me.”

“Hmm, I don’t think we’ve talked about your past relationships before. Is that something that still bothers you?”

Fluttershy shook her head. “It doesn’t matter. There were a few, but they were both a long time ago. One of them wasn’t ever a real relationship anyway, she was just using me to travel with the band for a bit.”

“Ooh, that must have stung.”

“Yeah, it did. But I’m over her these days.”

“And what about the other one?”

“Hmm?”

“You said ‘both’. What about your other relationship? Are you over her?”

Fluttershy hesitated, then eventually said, “It doesn’t matter.”

“Sure it does. Tell me about her.”

“She was… well, her name was Sunset. We lived together for about a year, and I was just a dumb teenager. I thought we’d be together forever, you know? First time being in love and all that.”

“I remember those days.” Daffodil smiled. “But you’re still young, and the first heartbreak sticks around for a while. Is it something that still bothers you?”

“Not really. I don’t think of her that often. And I’m happy for her, she’s doing really good these days. She’s married, and she has a good life.”

“Oh, are you still in touch?”

Fluttershy shook her head. “No, but we went to high school together, so we had a lot of the same friends. They let me know how she’s doing and when big things happen to her.”

“Is it hard to hear about her doing well when you’re still struggling with your own feelings?”

“No, I’m happy for her. Really. Anyway, like I said, I don’t think of her very much. She moved far away, so it’s not like we’ll ever see her again.”

“You never know, you’re on tour all the time. Maybe she’ll come to one of your shows and surprise you.”

Fluttershy smiled. Somehow that almost felt like the kind of stupid thing Sunset would do. “I think she’s caught up in her own life these days, which is fine. I prefer it this way, and I think she does too. We’re our own people, our lives just crossed paths for a while.”

“Okay, I believe you.” Daffodil looked at the clock again. “And anyway, that’s about it for our time. I do want to talk to you about some of this stuff in another session, though. I think we’ve got something worth digging into this time.”

“Okay. I’ll try to make sure I’m somewhere we can have a nice private conversation when you call then.”

Daffodil stood up, so Fluttershy did as well. She followed the therapist to the door, and she led them out of the building. “Well, Miss Fluttershy, it was a pleasure as always.”

That was unlikely; this was just work for Daffodil Breeze. But Fluttershy just smiled and nodded. “Thank you, it’s been nice.”

They walked together downstairs, then Daffodil held the door to the lobby open for Fluttershy. “Good luck on the tour. And take care of yourself.”

“Thank you, have a nice day.”

With one final wave, Daffodil went back to her office, while Fluttershy got in line to check out. As she did, she thought back on the meeting and the topics they’d discussed.

It didn’t matter. It wasn’t like therapy was something that helped her. It was just an obligation, something she had to do to prove she was dedicated to improving her mental health.

She got to the checkout counter and smiled, handing her insurance card to the clerk. More pleasantries, social obligations that she’d fulfil as she always did, then she was on her way.

As she left the building, she pulled out her phone to call a taxi, but it turned out she didn’t need to. Before she could open the ride-sharing app, she heard a familiar voice call out, “Fluttershy! Over here!”

She looked up to see Pinkie’s minivan, with Pinkie herself hanging out of the driver-side window and waving at her. Fluttershy smiled and waved back, then walked across the parking lot to greet her friend.

“Hello, Pinkie,” she said once she got close enough. “What are you doing here?”

“Well, I was out looking for cute girls, and look! I found one!”

Fluttershy giggled, then opened the passenger door and climbed into the minivan. She was surprised to find she wasn’t the only passenger, as the middle seats were filled by two others.

“Hey, Shy,” Rainbow said with a sheepish grin. “Pinkie talked us into coming and getting you.”

Flash nodded. “Hope you don’t mind.”

“Of course not, it’s nice to see you all. Did you want to do something together?”

“We were thinking of going out for lunch, if you’re hungry,” Pinkie said. “There’s a burger place nearby that has veggie burgers.”

“Sounds good.” Fluttershy buckled herself into the front passenger seat, and Pinkie drove off.

As they drove, Rainbow asked, “So how’d it go today?”

“It was good,” Fluttershy said. “Mostly we just talked about how I’ve been doing since starting. Last time before the tour and all that.”

“Aww, I’m so proud of you!” Pinkie said, causing Fluttershy to blush a little. “I know it must be tough to talk about stuff like that with someone you don’t know super well, but you’re doing really great!”

“Uh, Pinkie?” Rainbow said gingerly. “We usually don’t make a big deal about Shy’s sessions. It, er… It kinda makes her uncomfortable.”

“Oh! I’m sorry…”

“It’s okay,” Fluttershy said, then she smiled a thank you to Rainbow. Ever since Fluttershy’s suicide attempt, Rainbow had learned a lot about mental health, including how and when to talk about it with Fluttershy. She’d done some research on her own about depression, what things were like for Fluttershy, and what she could do to help.

As usual, Flash stayed out of the conversation. It wasn’t that he didn’t care, just that he seemed to always be worried about crossing some line.

Thankfully it wasn’t an issue for long, as Pinkie soon changed the subject. “So, looking forward to Friday?”

Rainbow shrugged. “You know the tour doesn’t start until Monday, right?”

“Yeah, but the new album comes out! Then you get to hear what people have to say about it!”

“Yeah, true.” Rainbow grinned. “Everyone likes the new single, I’m sure they’ll love the album.”

Flash scratched at the back of his head. “To tell the truth, I’m more nervous than anything for ours. People liked our first album, but that just means there are more expectations this time.”

The Washouts were working on their sophomore album, which meant they weren’t going to be able to tour with Bitchette this time. That was fine though, they’d secured a smaller headlining tour of their own, which was a big step for the younger band.

“Hey, your new material kicks ass,” Rainbow said. “People will love it!”

“I kind of feel the same way as Flash,” Fluttershy said. She looked between Rainbow and Pinkie, who were the only other performers with Coda. “Our other album comes out in a few months, and I don’t know what people will think of that.”

“Uh, that we’re awesome?” Rainbow said. “Seriously, those songs are some of the best we’ve ever done. Uhm, don’t tell the rest of the band I said that.”

Pinkie had been the drummer for the Coda album, since neither Rainbow nor Fluttershy played drums. They’d recorded it while Bitchette was recording their third album, Fight or Flight, and it was a very personal project to Fluttershy.

“I’m sure fans will love it,” Pinkie said. “Didn’t you say that people are excited for it?”

“Well, most people don’t know about it, and even the hardcore fans are more interested in Fight or Flight,” Fluttershy explained. “But we’ve announced it and some people are looking forward to it.”

“Ah, the mysterious side project.” Flash grinned. “You know Rainbow still hasn’t shown me any of the Coda songs?”

“Really?” Fluttershy asked.

Rainbow looked sheepish. “It’s just, you know, those are your songs. It doesn’t feel like I should be showing them off.”

Fluttershy rolled her eyes. “The album’s coming out one way or another. You can show Flash the songs.”

“Cool. I look forward to hearing them.” Flash gave Fluttershy a thumbs up.

They talked about the upcoming tour as Pinkie drove them to the restaurant. It was easy to see that Pinkie was sad to see them go, but she had to have gotten used to that by now, and she didn’t outright say anything about it. Everyone else seemed excited, at least.

They reached the restaurant and parked, and Pinkie led them into the building. A bell chimed to announce their entrance, and a perky server showed up to seat them.

“Can I start you off with some drinks?” she asked as they all took their seats. Pinkie and Fluttershy sat on one side so that the couple could sit together.

They all ordered sodas, except for Pinkie, who got a sweet tea. The server left them with some menus and went to get their drinks. For Fluttershy, looking over her menu was more of a formality; as she expected, they only had one veggie burger option.

“So what’s good here, Pinks?” Rainbow asked.

“Oh, everything!” Pinkie leaned across the table to point at a burger with bacon. “But this one’s my favorite! It’s so good!”

“Well, alright then.” Rainbow folded up her menu. “Can’t go wrong with bacon, eh?”

“I think I’m gonna get this one,” Flash said, pointing at a burger that was topped with enough ingredients that it practically came with its own salad.

“What about you, Pinkie?” Fluttershy asked. “Are you getting the bacon one too?”

“Nah, I think I want a veggie burger this time.”

“You’re not just getting that because of me, are you?”

Pinkie rolled her eyes and patted Fluttershy on the back. “Oh, Shy… Of course I’m getting it because of you!”

Fluttershy quirked her eyebrow. “You know I don’t mind if you all eat meat.”

“I know, but…” Pinkie shifted in her seat. “I’ve been thinking, and… I guess maybe I want to try being a vegetarian like you? I think it’s amazing that you do that, I think you’re amazing for doing it, and… and I want to try to do my part too!”

Fluttershy blinked. She had never expected any of her friends to take an interest in being vegetarian. She liked the idea of her friend becoming a vegetarian, but she needed to know what she was getting into. “It’s not easy. A lot of places don’t have veggie options, so you’ll have to cook your own food most of the time. It’s more expensive, and a lot of things you don’t think would have animal products in them do.”

Pinkie nodded. “I know, I’ve been looking into it. I don’t know if I can do it, but I want to try!”

Fluttershy wrapped an arm around Pinkie. “Just remember that it’s a process, and it’ll take time to get used to it. Setbacks happen, you’re giving up something you love and that’s going to be hard. Just try to keep getting back up and don’t let setbacks discourage you if it’s something you really want to do.”

Pinkie leaned into Fluttershy’s hug. “At least I’ve got a good role model!”

Fluttershy giggled. “I know a lot of good vegetarian meals, I’ll send you some recipes. Maybe cooking new things will help you get used to it.”

“Thanks, Fluttershy.”

“Great, now you’re both crazy…” Rainbow shook her head, causing the other two women to laugh.

Their server came back and they placed their orders. Fluttershy sipped on her cola while Rainbow launched into a story about the fan that she met on the streets earlier in the day.

“Pretty much made his year, but no big deal,” Rainbow said with a shrug as she finished the story.

“Does the ego ever stop?” Flash asked Fluttershy.

Fluttershy giggled. “Nope, it’s pretty much limitless.”

Rainbow punched Flash on the shoulder. “Careful, don’t think I won’t kick you out of your own bed.”

Although she smiled, Fluttershy was a little sorry to hear that. “Oh, are you spending the night at Flash’s again?”

Rainbow realized what she had said and frowned. “Yeah… Sorry, I know you don’t really like being at my parents’ without me, but you know… the tour is around the corner and Flash won’t be coming with us this time.”

Fluttershy nodded. It would be selfish to expect Rainbow to do anything else. “Of course, you two should spend as much time together as possible.”

“If you don’t want to go to Rainbow’s, you can stay with me,” Pinkie said. “It’ll be like a high school sleepover!”

Fluttershy smiled. “That’d be nice, but sleeping on the floor isn’t as appealing as it was back in high school.”

Pinkie shrugged. “We can share the bed.”

As usual, Fluttershy wasn’t exactly sure if Pinkie was joking or not. No, that wasn’t true, Fluttershy knew Pinkie was serious. True, Pinkie had a boyfriend now, but she just didn’t think things like that were a big deal.

“Maybe. But for now, it looks like our food is here.”

Their server gave them their orders, then everyone turned their attention to their burgers. Fluttershy thought it was pretty good, although like most places, their meat burgers were probably more of their specialty.

While they ate, Flash leaned in and asked Rainbow something, but she didn’t seem to like whatever it was. She deflated, then looked away from them. Fluttershy cocked their head to the side.

Eventually Flash sighed and addressed Fluttershy. “So, Rainbow and I have been talking.”

“Oh?”

Rainbow took a deep breath. “After this tour, Flash and I are going to get a place together. We were already talking about taking a longer break after this one, and well… I don’t want to live with my parents forever, you know?”

“Oh.” Fluttershy blinked. “That’s nice. Why are you acting like I would have a problem with this?”

Now Rainbow was the one cocking her head to the side. “Er, because then you’d have to move out too? I mean, you don’t have to, I don’t think my parents would mind you staying.”

“But it’d be awkward for me to live there without you,” Fluttershy finished for her. She shrugged and took a bite of her burger. Rainbow still seemed to be waiting for more, so once she swallowed, Fluttershy said, “So I’ll find a place to live. I make enough money to get my own place. I just never did because we’re not always in town.”

“Well, glad you’re taking it well then,” Rainbow said with a grin. “I was afraid of springing it on you.”

“We’ve got eight months planned for this tour, I’ll look at houses while we’re gone.” Fluttershy turned to Pinkie. “Do you think you could check out some houses for me while I’m gone?”

“Of course!” Pinkie said brightly. “Caramel and I have been talking about looking for a place of our own too.”

Gilda and Limestone already lived together, and Lightning Dust had been renting a house of her own for over a year. Applejack would probably always live at Sweet Apple Acres, and everyone else had moved away from Everton. The group at the restaurant were the only ones who hadn’t found the homes they belonged in yet.

And, of course, there was Sunset…

Fluttershy frowned at the thought. Sunset had found her place before any of them, and she was doing quite well for herself there. And Fluttershy was happy for her. She said so every time Sunset came up, after all.

They finished their burgers, paid and tipped their server, then they were heading out. The others were talking about what to do next, but Fluttershy wasn’t paying much attention. She was thinking about getting her own house, and how that had once been all she wanted in her life, and now it was another thing she was only doing out of obligation.

And she was thinking of Sunset. If Sunset had just stuck around, if Fluttershy had just not pushed her away, then would they be moving into a new house together now? Would they have already done so? Everyone else was moving out to live with their partner, Fluttershy was moving out because she was obligated to do so.

“What do you wanna do, Shy?” Pinkie asked.

That was the question, wasn’t it? What did Fluttershy even want to do? “I don’t know,” she said. “Whatever you all want to do is fine.”
> 2 – White Noise
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter Two
White Noise

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Not every night was a great performance. Sure, the audience always seemed happy, but there were off nights. Fluttershy heard the same show four or five times a week, she could tell the difference between a good night and a bad one.

And true, there was some comfort in knowing that most fans couldn’t really tell. Most of them didn’t go to a concert for a sonic masterpiece of sound, they went for an entertaining night, and that could happen even on off nights.

Even so, the mood was sour when the band walked backstage. No one said anything, no one congratulated each other on a great show. It hadn’t been awful. There were no major equipment malfunctions, the crowd didn’t throw things at them, nothing nearly so drastic.

But it wasn’t what their fans deserved, and they all knew it.

Rainbow sunk into a chair, so Fluttershy passed her a bottle of water. Wordlessly, she opened it and chugged it down. Fluttershy passed out waters to the rest of the band, some of whom mumbled a thank you, some of whom just fumed silently.

Eventually, as it usually was, Rainbow broke the silence. “Well, that sucked.”

“Yeah…” Lemon Zest said. “I lost time on the first song and it really threw me off all night.”

“I overshot my solo,” Windfall offered.

“I kicked ass,” Gilda said with a shrug. “But not as much as usual.”

Fluttershy smiled, even if she didn’t really feel like it. “It was an off night. Tomorrow will be better.”

“Wait, tomorrow?” Lemon Zest’s head snapped towards Fluttershy. “I thought we had the night off tomorrow?”

“Nope, that’s the next night,” Windfall reminded her.

“Urgh!” Lemon Zest buried her head in her hands.

“And… we have a radio spot,” Fluttershy said. “Tomorrow before the show, a half-hour interview and an acoustic performance.”

“So we have to get there extra early…” Lemon Zest groaned.

“Can’t we just do it over the phone?” Rainbow asked.

“A performance over the phone?” Fluttershy said with slight irritation creeping into her voice. “Come on, Dash, they deserve better than that.”

“Fine by me,” Windfall said. “I wasn’t really in the mood to hang around late tonight anyway.”

“VIPs coming in,” the bassist of the support band told them. They all nodded and picked themselves up. The least they could do was be on their best behavior for the fans that cared enough to buy backstage passes.

People filed in, and the band wound up getting pulled in different directions. Fluttershy wished they had alcohol. She didn’t want to get drunk, but she was in a bad mood and wanted something to take the edge off it. Otherwise, the night felt like white noise; just a static of annoyance that grated on Fluttershy and made her want to just tune everything out.

Well, there were other options besides alcohol. Fluttershy saw a girl with a bottle of beer that she must have brought from the front. She had a fade haircut and masculine clothes that gave Fluttershy a pretty good guess she might be interested in girls. She walked over and said, “Hi there. Did you enjoy the show?”

The other girl gave her a big smile. “Hey! Yeah, it kicked ass!”

Fluttershy smiled back. “That’s great.” She pointed out the beer bottle. “Lucky, I’ve been stuck back here all night with nothing but water to drink.”

“Oh, what? Last time I was backstage they had an open bar.”

“Yeah, we had some issues.”

The girl held out the bottle. “Here, take it.”

Fluttershy smiled and accepted it, then took a swig. It was only one beer, and not even a whole bottle. That hardly counted on the no alcohol backstage rule. “Thank you.”

When she tried to hand the bottle back, the other girl held out her hand in refusal. “Hey, I had a few already. That one’s all yours.”

“You’re too nice.” Fluttershy took a sip and leaned back. “To tell you the truth, it wasn’t a great show. I shouldn’t say that, but they made a few mistakes.”

“I guess you’d know, huh?”

It occurred to Fluttershy that she hadn’t introduced herself, and yet this girl knew who she was. Ever since the Coda album came out, that happened once in a while. Not often, but here and there.

That was a nice surprise for the night. It wasn’t often she had her own fans, after all. “Yeah, well, you notice things night after night. I wish you could’ve seen them on a better night.”

“I don’t mind, this has pretty much made my night right here.”

Fluttershy couldn’t help but grin. She really wasn’t used to having her own fans. “This might be a little forward of me, but are you doing anything after this?”

“Nah, I’m wide open. I called out of work tomorrow and everything. I wanted to, you know, be ready for whatever happened tonight.”

Oh, so she had come here planning on hooking up. That made things even simpler. “That’s good to know. Wish I could call out tomorrow.”

“On to the next town, ey?”

“Yeah. Early departure too.”

“Oh, lame. Well hey, we’ll just have to make the most of tonight then.” She looked around and then grinned sheepishly. “You wanna maybe just head out, since you have to be off early and all?”

It was like this woman was tailor-made for this evening. “I’d like that a lot. Do you have a car? I can pay for a cab if not.”

“Yeah, I have a car, no worries.”

The two them started walking, then Fluttershy grabbed her by the shoulder. “Not that way, we can leave through the back so we don’t have to wade through the crowd.”

“Oh, cool. Private exit, huh?”

Fluttershy giggled. “Yeah.”

It was good that they had another way out, there seemed to be a crowd forming near the front. Fluttershy idly wondered why, but she figured it was probably just where Rainbow was. Wherever she went, the crowd followed.

“So, hey, I hope this doesn’t sound weird or anything, but I’m really glad I ran into you.”

Fluttershy smiled and began wondering if she should ask for a name. “Me too.”

“I, uh, I still think about you a lot, actually.”

That was a weird thing to say. Fluttershy stopped walking and turned to face her, no longer sure she should get in a car with this woman. “Really?”

“Yeah, I mean…” She stopped as well and blushed a little. “Not like, in a weird way, you know? Just like oh hey, wonder how Fluttershy’s doing.”

That was pretty weird. Fluttershy decided whatever happened, she was not getting in a car with someone who was starting to sound like a stalker. “Oh. Well, I’m flattered.”

“That was the wrong thing to say, wasn’t it? I’m sorry, I just…” She turned away and shoved her hands in her pockets. “Please don’t think I’m a weirdo, I really just meant, you know, last time was really cool.”

Fluttershy scrunched up her face. “Last time?”

The other woman stared at Fluttershy for a moment. “You, er, you don’t remember me, huh?”

Fluttershy blinked, trying to remember if she had seen this woman somewhere before. “I, uhm, no, I don’t. Have we met before?”

“Yeah, last year, Bitchette came through and I met you at the bar. You got me backstage, and then we went back to the hotel and slept together.”

Fluttershy didn’t usually drink out at the bar, but if she was, she’d probably been pretty drunk by the time she even met this woman. She couldn’t find any words to say, so she said nothing.

“It… it was my first time. And then when I told you that afterwards, you got all worried that you’d done something wrong, and we wound up staying up all night talking.”

Fluttershy facepalmed. “We went down to the pool. It was closed, but we hopped the fence.”

“Yeah.” Being remembered didn’t really seem to lift her spirits. “I guess for you it was just another night, huh?”

“No, it was a really nice night. I do remember that, I just…”

“Didn’t remember me.” She smiled at Fluttershy. “Hey, no, I get it. I mean, I really should’ve known. I asked if we could keep in touch, and I gave you my number, but you never called. I mean, I guess I knew, you know? I just wanted to think, like, you were busy. And then when you came up and said hi, I thought, you know, it was because you remembered me.”

“I was busy. I’m so sorry for not recognizing you, but let me make it up to you.”

“I… I think I’m just gonna go, actually.” The other woman gave her an authentic smile. “It was nice seeing you again, really. Take care of yourself, and uh, good luck finding someone to spend the night with.”

“Wait, please…” Fluttershy felt like such an idiot. She couldn’t even ask her to wait by name.

The other woman just waved and disappeared into the crowd, leaving Fluttershy alone. She felt like shit. That night had clearly meant something to the mystery woman, and it had meant something to Fluttershy too.

No, not really. It had been a great night, one she could look back on fondly as one of the best of the tour. But the woman she spent it with? That could’ve been anyone. It was just like she’d said – Fluttershy remembered the night, but not the girl.

It took a moment for Fluttershy to realize she was still holding the beer bottle. She drank what little bit was left and threw it away. The crowd still hadn’t died down, and all their chatter was feeling even more like static to her ears. She should just go.

But then she realized the crowd really hadn’t died down, so she walked over to see what was going on. As expected, Rainbow was over there, as were Lemon Zest and Gilda.

But seeing who they were struck Fluttershy harder than anything else that night possibly could.

“Sunny?”

Standing before her was Sunset Shimmer. And not just Sunset, but Twilight and the other Fluttershy too. If there was anything Fluttershy didn’t want to see this night, it was these three.

“Shy…” Sunset blinked and closed her mouth. She scratched at the back of her head as she stared at Fluttershy. “So, uh… long time no see?”

“What…” Fluttershy shook her head, her disbelief working its way into her voice. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

Sunset swallowed. “I came to see you. I… I wanted to say I’m sorry.” She glanced towards Rainbow. “Is it okay if… can we talk?”

Fluttershy frowned. She didn’t want to talk to Sunset. She wanted to have security throw her out right then and there. What right did she have to come back like this? And to make matters worse, she’d brought her along. The other Fluttershy, the perfect one. She looked so pretty with her perfect, unmarked skin and her long flowing pink hair, dressed in soft fabrics like what Fluttershy herself used to wear.

She was everything that Fluttershy could never live up to, and she was right in front of her. Well, if they were going to talk, they weren’t going to do it in front of her.

“Come on. The dressing room is over here, the two of us can talk there.”

Although it was exactly what Sunset had asked for, she still had the audacity to stop and look at the others for support. Of course she found it, because Sunset’s fucking wives were nothing short of perfect.

“Go on, we’ll be fine,” Twilight said.

“This is what we were hoping for,” the other bitch said. “Go talk to her.”

Fluttershy didn’t see what came next. Hearing her voice set her on edge and made her want to scream. At Sunset, at the other Fluttershy, at Rainbow for not getting rid of them sooner, at herself for everything she’d done wrong, Fluttershy just wanted to scream.

Instead, she walked calmly to the dressing room, trusting that Sunset could make it there on her own.

Then it was just the two of them. Fluttershy and the person who she had once wanted to give everything she had for, alone for the first time in years. She gritted her teeth as she turned to face her. “Okay, so what the hell do you want?”

Sunset didn’t seem too taken aback by the tone in her voice. “Like I said, I wanted to say I’m sorry. I… wasn’t always fair to you when we were together.”

“You think? You tried to get me to give up on the one thing I managed to do all by myself!”

“I know.” Sunset held up her hands. “And I was wrong, and I’m glad you stuck with it.”

Oh, right, because that’s what Fluttershy was missing in her life, Sunset Shimmer’s validation. “Of fucking course you’re glad!” Fluttershy threw out her hands. “You got to go off to a magical land where you’re rich and famous and have two supportive wives. Your life turned out fucking perfect once I wasn’t in it anymore!”

“Whoa, hold on.” Sunset shook her head. “It’s not like that! And things aren’t perfect for us. Yeah I know we’re lucky in a lot of ways, but it’s not like it’s been easy.”

“Oh really?” Fluttershy took a step forward and raised her voice some more. “Tell me, Sunny. Tell me all about how difficult it’s been for you, because you wouldn’t fucking believe what my life has turned into since you left me!”

Sunset’s face muscles tightened. “Okay, I was wrong about a lot of things, but you left first. I offered to stick around and wait for you, and you told me not to because you were already seeing someone.”

As if Fluttershy had ever once forgotten that mistake. “I lied, okay!?” She turned and took a step away. “I lied about seeing someone because I wanted you to move on. So yeah, I got exactly what I fucking wanted. Yay me.”

“How was I supposed to know that!? I’m so sorry for believing you!”

“Do you know what my life has been like since you left?” Fluttershy spun back around and pointed at her hair. “Because this? This is nothing compared to the other ways I’ve changed without you.”

Sunset folded her arms. “I’m listening.”

Where to fucking start? “I sleep with a different girl pretty much every night because if I don’t, I don’t sleep at all. I’m up for days at a time, I drink nonstop, the only thing stopping me from trying to kill myself again is the pills I have to take every god damn day!”

Sunset stared at her for a moment, then finally said, “Again?”

Fluttershy hadn’t meant to let that slip, but now that it had, she just laughed. “Yeah, that’s right, Sunny! I tried to kill myself because that’s how much my life just fucking sucks! And half the time even with the antidepressants, I still think back on that day and wish I hadn’t thrown up those damn pills.”

“And it’s all my fault?” Sunset asked.

Fluttershy shook her head “I don’t know, but you sure as hell aren’t making it better by showing up unannounced like this! For fuck’s sake, Sunset, what did you expect? I’d just fall into your arms and you could have two of me?”

“No! I just wanted to try things over again. Not us, not like being together, just you know, as friends this time. Because I still love –”

They both stood in silence for a moment as Sunset’s words washed between them.

“You still love me?” Fluttershy asked doubtfully.

“Well… yes,” Sunset said reluctantly. “Look, it’s not like, you know, a burning love like when I thought we’d spend our lives together. But yes, I still love you. I probably always will.”

It was too much. It was just too fucking much. Sunset showed up unannounced, dragging a perfect version of Fluttershy along to flaunt in her face, and now she wanted to say she still loved her?

“I hate you, Sunset.” Fluttershy folded her arms. “You were once the best thing that ever happened to me, and now the rest of my life has to struggle to live up to that without you. I hate you so much.”

“Shy, it doesn’t have to be like that. I want us to be friends again, I want to be part of your life again.”

Sunset reached out for Fluttershy’s shoulder, but Fluttershy slapped her hand away. “Did you fucking hear me? I said I hate you! I don’t want you back in my life, Sunny, I never want to see your stupid face again! If you really love me, you’ll stay in Equestria. Far far away from me.”

“Shy…”

Fluttershy stamped her foot. “Don’t fucking ‘Shy’ me! I’m not yours anymore, and I don’t have to put up with what you want! Just go back to your perfect little pony life. You’ve already got a better version of me waiting out there to cheer you up from the bitch I am in this world anyway.”

“It’s not like –”

“Just go!”

Sunset stood and stared for a minute, then she turned and ran. Fluttershy watched her go, and then she screamed.

She grabbed at her short hair, grabbing fist fulls of it and pulling tightly. It was at least long enough for that.

Before she even knew someone was in the room with her, she had a pair of arms around her. She looked to see Lemon Zest was hugging her, while Rainbow, Gilda, and Windfall all waited off to the side.

Fluttershy sighed. “I’m okay, Zesty.”

Lemon Zest let go, but she looked at her uncertainly. Gilda was the first to speak, however. “So that was the bitch, huh?”

“Yeah,” Fluttershy said since no one else answered. “That was Sunset.”

“You okay?” Rainbow asked.

Fluttershy sunk into a chair. “What fucking right does she have…?”

“She’s gone now,” Windfall said. “She left with those other two women, the ones that look like you and Twilight.”

Fluttershy nodded.

“So, uh, what do we wanna do now?” Lemon Zest asked.

“I don’t know…” Fluttershy stood up. “I’m going back to the hotel.”

“I’ll come with you,” Rainbow said.

“Me too,” Lemon Zest added.

Windfall nodded. “We can all go.”

“No, we can’t.” Fluttershy frowned. “Those fans paid money to spend time with you all. I’m a grown woman, and I can take care of myself.”

Gilda folded her arms. “Yeah, that’s great and all, but it’s bullshit. If you go back on your own, you’re gonna get piss drunk.”

“I will not!” Fluttershy said, even though she probably would.

“You’re right that we can’t all leave, though,” Rainbow said. “I’ll go, everyone else should stay here.”

“Dash, you’re the one they want to see the most,” Windfall pointed out.

“Look, I’m going with Shy,” Gilda said. “There’s too much weird shit going on tonight, and I’m done with it. I’d want to go to the hotel even if Shy wasn’t going, so it might as well be me who dips.”

“Yeah, alright.” Lemon Zest gave Fluttershy an uncertain look. “But hey, we won’t be far behind, alright?”

“Yeah, okay,” Fluttershy said. “I’ll see you all at the hotel.”

Even though she wasn’t leaving with them, Rainbow still escorted them to the door. When they reached it, she put her hands on Fluttershy’s shoulders. “Hey, so… This doesn’t have to be a big deal, you know? She’s only got as much power over you as you let her have.”

“I know, Dashie. I’m really okay, just… a little out of it. I just need to sleep it off.”

“Yeah, okay.” Rainbow pulled Fluttershy into a hug, then smiled as they pulled apart. “See you later then.”

“Yeah, and Dash? Try and enjoy the night.”

Rainbow flashed her a grin as she waved her off, then Fluttershy and Gilda left the building. Gilda put her phone in her pocket and told Fluttershy that she’d already ordered them a cab, so they made their way to the parking lot to wait for it.

Being with Gilda was both good and bad. She wouldn’t crowd Fluttershy with meaningless comments about how things were going to be okay, but on that note, she wasn’t exactly talkative in general.

And so they waited for the cab in silence, Fluttershy passing the time with her phone. She posted on the band’s social media, thanking fans for coming out to the show and reminding people about the radio show that would be coming the next day.

Thankfully, being downtown meant it didn’t take long for their ride to get there. They climbed into the back of the car, greeted their driver, and they were off.

All along the way back to the hotel, Fluttershy noticed that Gilda was stealing glances at her. She didn’t say anything though, so neither did Fluttershy. She did get the feeling that a conversation was coming, but that it would wait until they weren’t in a car with another person.

Since the driver also wasn’t talkative, they passed the entire drive in silence. They thanked him when they reached the hotel, then made their way inside.

It was in the elevator that Gilda finally spoke. “So that was fucking weird.”

Fluttershy couldn’t help but smile. She was glad that it was Gilda she was with after all. She was the only one who would be more concerned about their visitors being Equestrian than Sunset being Fluttershy’s ex. “Imagine how I felt.”

“Yeah… So like… there’s two of everyone?”

The elevator door opened and they walked down the hallway. Fluttershy went straight for her room, and Gilda followed. “Yeah, that’s the idea. What, you suddenly believe us?”

“Well I mean, shit, what am I supposed to think?” Gilda followed Fluttershy into the room, closing the door behind them. “Everyone talks about it, Limestone’s sister’s fucking been there, and now there’s god damn two of you! And don’t think I didn’t notice that suddenly Twilight’s half a foot taller.”

Fluttershy shook her head. “I don’t know why Princess Twilight’s taller.”

“Princess Twilight?”

“Oh, yeah, she’s a princess. And they’re all married, so all three of them are princesses now.”

Gilda started looking through Fluttershy’s fridge and helped herself to a can of soda. She gave one to Fluttershy as well. “Jesus. So like… they’re like magic horses from another world and they’re fucking princesses? Weird shit, man…”

Fluttershy opened the soda and took a sip. “Yeah, it is. But when you and your friends use friendship magic to stop an evil demon from terrorizing your school, everything kinda becomes relevant.”

“You’re fucking with me.”

“No. Rainbow was part of it too. It’s… a long story. You want to know about it?”

“Honestly? No, I really don’t. Maybe someday I’ll have you tell me about it, but right now it’s enough to try and just wrap my head around this whole other world thing.”

Fluttershy nodded. “It’s a lot to take in.”

“So you and Rainbow never went though?”

“No. I was going to go with Sunset, but I was pregnant at the time and we didn’t know what it would do to Sky.” Fluttershy frowned and looked at the ground. She had learned to talk about Sky ever since her suicide attempt, but it was still hard.

“Yeah, makes sense.”

Fluttershy took a deep breath. “And then it just… didn’t seem as pressing. I don’t actually remember the next few months all that well. I got really messed up.”

“You don’t say.”

“Worse than I am now.”

“I didn’t say nothing.”

Fluttershy smiled. She finished her soda and threw out the can. “Guess I’ll never get to go now though.”

“You know, for someone who doesn’t like to talk about shit, you’re talking an awful lot.”

Fluttershy bowed her head. “Oh, sorry.”

“I mean, it’s good, right? You should talk about shit. I’m just saying, you know, say what’s on your mind.”

Although she hadn’t been intentionally dancing around the subject, it was clear that she’d been doing it without meaning to. Fluttershy frowned. “Why the fuck would she just show up like that?”

“Because she’s a moron.”

“No, she’s really smart.”

“Yeah, smart people are almost always morons. Look, I don’t know everything that happened between you two, but she clearly wanted to make up for it. She didn’t show up tonight to start shit, which means she’s just a god damn idiot.”

Fluttershy sighed. “Yeah. Yeah, she really is. A well meaning idiot…”

“Yeah, maybe.”

“And I just bitched her out. The first time we’ve seen each other in years, and I just told her to get lost.”

Gilda shrugged. “Yeah, well, sometimes it doesn’t matter if someone has good intentions. What she did was shitty. Honestly, I would’ve decked her.”

“Gilda, she’s a foot taller than me.”

“So? She’d never hit you back.”

“No. No, she wouldn’t.” Fluttershy leaned back in her chair. “I threw a glass at her once. I don’t even remember why. But I wanted to hurt her, and she… she’d never do that to me…”

“You know, I’m just gonna say it, you need to talk to your therapist about this shit. Like I’m here for you, you want me to go fuck her up, I’ll do it. But you wanna sort this shit with your head out? I’m not the one to go to for that.”

“Yeah, I know. I don’t mean to put anything on you.”

Gilda finished her soda and threw it out, the can clinking against Fluttershy’s. “It’s fine. I just don’t know what to say.”

“I wouldn’t either.”

Gilda stood up and walked over to the bed. She sat down and turned on the TV, flipping through channels until she stopped on a movie. It was an old sci-fi horror movie. Not really Fluttershy’s kind of movie, but she didn’t mind. She had seen it before, so she knew it wouldn’t scare her too much. Sunset had owned it, back when they didn’t have cable and only had DVDs to watch.

She kicked off her shoes and lay down on the bed next to Gilda, focusing on the movie. A wormlike alien was tunneling out of a man’s chest with blood splattering everywhere. She remembered the first time she had seen it, she had jumped right into Sunset’s arms.

“If you try to cuddle me, I swear I’ll kick you out of this bed,” Gilda deadpanned.

Fluttershy smirked. “Limestone is so lucky to have such a doting girlfriend.”

“Fuck off.”

There were a lot of thoughts running through Fluttershy’s head. She wasn’t sure if she had done the right thing with Sunset. She still couldn’t believe she had actually talked to Sunset again at all. Not to mention seeing her double again, who was Sunset’s wife now.

Too many thoughts, too much noise in her head. All of it demanding her attention. So Fluttershy did the only thing she could think to do: She didn’t think about any of them. She would let the world around her be the white noise to drown out the sounds she couldn’t deal with. For now, she was watching a gory space movie with a friend, and that was all.
> 3 – Missing Pieces
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter Three
Missing Pieces

⠀



⠀
It wasn’t a big deal. That’s what Fluttershy told herself as she waited for Rainbow to pick her up. It would be simple to fix, she didn’t have anything to worry about, it just wasn’t a big deal.

If she told herself that enough, she figured she might start to believe it.

She sighed and pulled out her phone. No message or missed call from Rainbow, but she was running late. Fluttershy was sitting outside of the clinic on a bench, and wishing she had just called a taxi. It would be nice to spend some time with Rainbow after the day she’d had, but it would be even nicer to get home.

But no, Fluttershy was just left shivering in the mid-December chill, her thoughts running away with her. Since she had her phone out, she used it to check the band’s social media accounts. They were on a six-month hiatus from touring or recording, but that didn’t mean they had to stop interacting with their fans.

Truth be told, Fluttershy checked their social media more than any of the actual band members. They all had access to every site the band was on, and they all made posts and replied to fan mail, but no one more so than Fluttershy. These days it was mostly because she was being driven crazy by the hiatus; she would much rather be keeping busy with recording a new record or, even better, going out on a tour.

But the band had been recording and touring nonstop for the past four years, and everyone else was tired. They’d released three albums in that time, toured all over the world, and now they had their first live album out as a stopgap while they took this time off before working on their fourth album.

It made sense. Fluttershy knew why the others wanted a break and she thought they were going about it in the right way. And it gave them all a chance to do other projects. Rainbow was producing the third Washouts album, her first full production credit; Windfall had signed a deal with a guitar manufacturer to have his own custom guitar designed and in stores, and he was using this time to iron out the details and make sure it was what he wanted; Gilda was taking her family and her girlfriend up north on vacation, as her mom had apparently always wanted to try skiing; and Lemon Zest… well, Fluttershy was pretty sure she was keeping busy with something.

And Fluttershy? She was just counting down the days until she could get back to work. She wouldn’t mind if she and Rainbow could work on the next Coda album, but Rainbow was busy with The Washouts, and Fluttershy didn’t want to work on it alone.

She stood up and put her phone back in her purse. Maybe moving around would help her generate some heat. Not that she was in the mood to be very active, but she could at least pace around a little bit.

Thankfully, someone pulled up to get her soon. Unfortunately, it wasn’t Rainbow. Instead of Rainbow’s band van, it was an expensive-looking black sedan. Fluttershy frowned when she saw it, unsure why Lemon Zest would be picking her up instead of Rainbow.

Well, she wasn’t exactly in a position to complain. Lemon Zest rolled down the window to stick her hand out and wave to Fluttershy, who quickly walked over to the car and got into the passenger side.

“Hey, hope you weren’t waiting too long,” Lemon Zest said as Fluttershy buckled up.

“No, not too long.” Fluttershy held her hands in front of the vents, letting the heat warm them up slowly. “Thank you for coming to get me, but where’s Rainbow?”

Lemon Zest looked at the dashboard console, which had a screen in it that showed what was behind the car so she didn’t have to look out of the back window to back up. “I don’t know, she just said she’s busy and asked me to come get you.”

“Oh. I wonder if she’s working with The Washouts.”

Lemon Zest shrugged. “Probably, but she didn’t say.”

Fluttershy nodded, then looked out the window.

“So, uhm… how’d it go?” Lemon Zest asked awkwardly.

“It’s fine,” Fluttershy said without turning to face her friend.

“Oh, sweet! So it came back negative then?”

Fluttershy didn’t answer.

After a moment, Lemon Zest asked, “Shy?”

“It’s fine, Zesty. Don’t worry about it.”

“Oh, shit…” Lemon Zest said with the distinct tone of someone who was going to worry about it. “What is it?”

Fluttershy sighed. “Trich. I don’t remember the full name.”

“Is it bad?”

Fluttershy shook her head. “No, I got lucky. It’s treatable, I just need to take pills for a few days, and I can’t drink until after I’m done with the dose. It should be gone in about a week.”

“That doesn’t sound too bad. How do you feel?”

Fluttershy finally turned back to Lemon Zest to smile. “Honestly, I’m fine, Zesty. It was a bit of a scare, but this isn’t too bad. It’s not like AIDS or something.”

“Yeah, true.” Lemon Zest smiled back. “I’m glad you’re okay. Or will be, once you get this taken care of. I was really worried.”

“Yeah, I’m sure everyone expects me to have something really nasty by now.”

Lemon Zest was looking at the road, but Fluttershy still noticed her wince. “Fuck, Shy, it’s not like that. I’d be worried about anyone getting STI tested.”

“It is kind of my own fault though.” Fluttershy frowned. “If I wasn’t so loose…”

“Shy, there’s nothing wrong with liking sex.”

Fluttershy couldn’t help but laugh. “That’s kind of funny coming from you.”

“Look, just because I don’t like sex and stuff doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. You just, I dunno, gotta be safer about it.” Lemon Zest hesitated for a moment before adding, “Do, uh, do they make things like condoms for lesbians?”

“Dental dams,” Fluttershy said. “They actually gave me some at the clinic. But… well, licking rubber doesn’t really sound fun…”

Lemon Zest shrugged. “That’s what guys say about condoms, isn’t it? But like, better that than taking risks.”

Fluttershy sighed. “I mean, doing stuff with your hands is safer, but it sucks to only have that as an option. It just felt like the universe decided to take one more thing I enjoy away from me though…”

Lemon Zest’s eyes darted between the road and Fluttershy. “You know, there is another option.”

Fluttershy nodded. “Strap ons with condoms on them are still on the table.”

Lemon Zest facepalmed. “That is not what I meant. I was thinking, you know, we’re taking this time off… You could find a girlfriend, someone you know is safe and that you wouldn’t have to worry about all that other stuff with.”

Fluttershy took a deep breath. This topic of conversation was getting old. “I haven’t exactly had a lot of luck with relationships.”

“You’ve spent the past four years on tour. It’ll be easier while we’re staying in one place.”

“I just… I think I need you all more than I need a relationship right now. I need my friends, my band family.”

“Hey, we’re not going anywhere.” Lemon Zest flashed her a confident smile. “You’re stuck with us.”

“Thanks, Zesty.”

“So do you want to go back to your house, or do you feel like hitting the town? I got nothing to do today.”

“I think home sounds nice. I still have to unpack.”

“Yeah, okay. But hey, we should totally go out sometime. Everyone else is busy these days, but that doesn’t mean we can’t hang out.”

Fluttershy nodded. “Yeah, we’ll have to figure out something.”

“Or hey, I know! I could help you unpack! Like I said, I’m not doing anything today.”

Fluttershy hesitated for a moment. She didn’t really want to be alone, but… “Don’t worry about it, I can handle it.”

“I know, but we haven’t hung out in ages. I’ll order us some pizza and we can unpack for a while, maybe play a few games, just make a night of it.”

“I don’t know. I’m just… a little exhausted today. Sorry, Zesty.”

“Oh. Okay then.”

Lemon Zest went uncharacteristically quiet for the rest of the drive. Fluttershy felt bad, but she didn’t know what to say to fill the silence either, so they drove the rest of the way in uncomfortable silence.

It took another ten minutes to get to Fluttershy’s apartment. She still hadn’t really gotten used to the idea of having her own apartment, but since Rainbow and Flash had gotten a house together, it had become a necessity.

It was a nice place in a good neighborhood, although Fluttershy could’ve afforded something better if she wanted to. But she lived alone now, so she didn’t need a big place with multiple bedrooms or anything like that. And living in an apartment meant there was no yard to maintain, which was nice since she spent most of the year away from home.

Lemon Zest parked outside. Since Fluttershy didn’t own a car, they were able to pull up right in front of her apartment. Fluttershy turned to smile at Lemon Zest. “Thanks for the ride, Zesty.”

“Yeah, don’t mention it,” Lemon Zest said, lacking her usual pep.

Fluttershy wanted to ask what was wrong, but she was afraid that she wouldn’t like the answer she got, so she didn’t. Instead, she just opened the door and got out of the car.

She dug her keys from her purse as she was walking up to the door, but before she could reach it, she was stopped by Lemon Zest’s voice. “Are you like… mad at me?”

Fluttershy turned to face Lemon Zest with a frown. She had opened her door and was standing behind it, although she’d left the engine running. “Of course not. Why would you think that?”

Lemon Zest ran a hand through her hair. “You never want to hang out with me anymore. I could kinda ignore it on the tour because we saw each other every day, but even then you never wanted to spend one on one time with me. And then since we went on break, I never see you anymore.”

That’s exactly what Fluttershy had thought this would be about. She couldn’t deny that those things were true, so instead she just said, “I’m just a little worn out from today. It doesn’t have anything to do with you.”

Lemon Zest sighed. “You’d let Rainbow stay…”

Fluttershy looked away, thinking of how she had wanted to spend the day with Rainbow when she thought it would be her sister picking her up.

Without another word, Lemon Zest got into her car and backed out of the parking space. Fluttershy wanted to stop her, but she couldn’t. Although she wasn’t angry with Lemon Zest, everything else she’d said had been true – Fluttershy had been avoiding her.

She’d have to fix it, although she didn’t know how to. But for now, she’d have to get inside and out of the cold. With her head down, she finished walking to her apartment.

At least she’d left the heat running, so it was nice and warm when she entered. She pulled out her prescription, then set her purse on a table near the door. Before anything else, she walked into the kitchen and got herself a glass of water to take her meds. The sooner she got rid of this thing, the better.

After that, she went back to her purse to get her phone, then walked into her bedroom. She texted Rainbow to tell her she was home, then said what she’d been diagnosed with and explained that it was easily cured.

She’d hoped Rainbow would call after seeing the text, but instead she just texted back, asking if Fluttershy needed anything. Although she felt like she needed company, she couldn’t ask for that after shunning it from Lemon Zest, so she texted back to say that she was fine, but she’d let her know if anything came up.

Fluttershy looked over at one wall where a few boxes were piled up. There wasn’t very much there, she’d never owned a lot of possessions and she’d already unpacked her guitars. She debated grabbing one to play, but she wasn’t really in the mood. Instead she just lay on her bed, doing nothing.

Maybe she’d take a nap. Fluttershy took a lot of naps when she wasn’t working. It had to be better than when she wasn’t sleeping at all, she reasoned. And besides, she didn’t like being awake all that much most days.

Living alone had been her fondest wish once. Now she just wished there was anyone else around in the house, just to keep her from feeling so lonely.

Of course, there would be if she wasn’t such a bitch. With a sigh, she picked up her phone again and called Lemon Zest.

She wondered if she’d even answer, but thankfully, she did. “Hello?”

“Zesty, I’m sorry.” Fluttershy sighed. “You’re right, I’ve been avoiding you, and… well, I’m sorry. Can you come back so we can talk about it?”

There was a moment’s hesitation, then Lemon Zest said, “Alright. I’m at the gas station down the road, you want anything?”

Fluttershy couldn’t help but smile. Even when she’d been a miserable bitch to her, Lemon Zest couldn’t help but be nice in return. “No thanks, but uhm, if that offer for pizza is still on the table…”

Lemon Zest laughed. “Yeah, okay. I’ll order it when I’m at your place.”

“Thanks, Zesty.”

They hung up, then Fluttershy moved back to the living room so she would hear when Lemon Zest arrived. She took a seat on the couch, as it was the only place to sit in the living room. She’d bought some furniture for her apartment, but she still didn’t have a lot.

Since she was just down the street, it didn’t take long for Lemon Zest to show up. She had a slushy in each hand as she walked into the apartment. “I know you said you didn’t want anything, but I got you one anyway. You want cherry or raspberry?”

Fluttershy smiled and closed the door behind her. “Cherry.”

Lemon Zest handed Fluttershy the red slushy, taking the blue one for herself. Fluttershy took a sip, glad she was inside her warm apartment by the time she was drinking the frozen treat.

“Mmm, tastes blue,” Lemon Zest said as she took a seat on the couch. “So how about I order that pizza, then we can talk.”

Fluttershy nodded and took a seat next to Lemon Zest. “Sounds good.”

It took a few minutes to order the pizza, mostly because Lemon Zest couldn’t decide what she wanted. She settled for a ham and pineapple pizza, while Fluttershy got a veggie lover’s.

Then they sat in silence once again. They needed to talk about what was going on, but Fluttershy wasn’t sure she knew how to broach the topic.

Eventually Lemon Zest sighed. “So this is still about when you kissed me, huh?”

Fluttershy nodded meekly. “Yeah, it is.”

“Shy, that was like a year ago! I get that it was awkward, but how long is it supposed to stay awkward?”

Fluttershy looked down at the floor. “I’m sorry. It’s just…” She sighed and shook her head. “Well, I like you a lot, Zesty. And… I know you’ll never like me the same way, and I accept that, but… it’s hard to be around you sometimes. Especially when it’s just the two of us.”

“So… it’s either be your girlfriend or stop being friends with you at all, pretty much.”

Fluttershy whipped her head towards Lemon Zest. “No! Of course it isn’t like that, I do want to stay friends with you!”

“Yeah, well, it doesn’t feel like it.” Lemon Zest folded her arms and turned away. “I get that you were disappointed, and I know that was my fault for leading you on. I’m sorry about that. But you tell me it’s fine then bail on spending time with me. And it just… it feels really shitty, you know?”

“Zest…”

Lemon Zest shook her head. “Feels like just being good friends isn’t good enough for you sometimes. You always say we’re what you really need, that you don’t need a relationship, but then you fucking pull this shit where I’m trying so hard to be a good friend to you, and you just blow me off because I won’t date you.”

“I’m sorry…” It wasn’t much, but it was the only thing Fluttershy could say. “I’m so sorry, Zesty…”

“I care about you a lot, you know? And it really hurts to see you staying the same as always to everyone else but me.”

Fluttershy blinked away tears. Lemon Zest was right, she’d been awful to someone who was supposed to be one of her best friends. More than that, Lemon Zest was part of her Bitchette family. “I’m sorry…”

Lemon Zest frowned at her, then spoke more softly. “Hey, it’s okay, you don’t need to cry. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be so hard on you…”

Fluttershy shook her head. “No, you should be. I needed to be told how badly I’ve been treating you. I promise I’ll be better though, I do want to be friends still.”

“So… hugs?”

Fluttershy smiled and wiped her eyes. “Hugs.”

It was a little awkward since they were sitting side by side, but the two friends hugged. Fluttershy held tightly, finding a piece of something she’d been missing for a long time in that hug.

She breathed in deeply, feeling tears start to well up again. “I don’t know what happened to me, Zest…” They pulled apart, but Lemon Zest took hold of Fluttershy’s hands. “I used to be a good person. I was nice to everyone, and I didn’t do things like this…”

“Hey, you’re still a good person.” Lemon Zest wiped away Fluttershy’s tears. “You’re just going through a rough time.”

Fluttershy shook her head. “It’s been a rough time for four years. I can’t keep using that excuse.”

“Well… I think acknowledging you have a problem is a good first step, right?” Lemon Zest shrugged. “That’s something my therapist said.”

Fluttershy looked away. “I wish my therapy helped more. It doesn’t seem to do anything for me.”

“Really?” Lemon Zest cocked her head to the side. “When I was in therapy for ADHD and anxiety, it always really helped to get all my thoughts out of my head. Do you not feel comfortable with your therapist or something?”

“She’s fine,” Fluttershy said with a small sigh. “It’s just… hard to talk about things.”

“Well… would you rather talk to me about it? I’m not a professional or anything, but I’m happy to talk to you about anything at all.”

“You already know everything though…” Fluttershy bowed her head. “Everyone does. There’s nothing new to talk about, I’m just… still messed up from it all…”

“A lot happened to you.” Lemon Zest squeezed her hand. “And… even if we know about it, you do still kind of bottle things up. Like when your ex showed up, you didn’t talk about that at all afterwards.”

“I talked to Rainbow and Gilda,” Fluttershy said guiltily. It had been another thing she hadn’t wanted to talk to Lemon Zest about.

“I’m glad you talked to someone about it. Did you bring it up with your therapist?”

Fluttershy felt even more guilty, sure she was going to disappoint her friend. “No…”

But rather than appear disappointed, Lemon Zest just nodded. “It’s hard to talk to someone you don’t really know. But well, it’ll really help if you open up to her. She’s an expert at this whole untangling thoughts thing, but she can’t do anything if you don’t let her in.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” Fluttershy leaned back into the couch. “It’s just so hard…”

“I know. But it’ll help, trust me.” Lemon Zest’s face lit up. “I know, what if I went with you? Or Rainbow, or whoever.”

“Is that even allowed?”

Lemon Zest shrugged. “Sure, why not? If that’s what you need to feel comfortable, then your therapist will understand.”

Fluttershy nodded, but she wasn’t sure. True, they might help her talk about things she’d normally keep to herself, but the thought was still daunting. “I’ll think about it.”

“Just don’t overthink it.” Lemon Zest grinned. “Nothing wrong with letting your friends help a little.”

Maybe it really was that simple. Her friends had been what pushed her into therapy in the first place, after all. Maybe they could help push her through the process as well.

But before she could think too much about it, someone rang the doorbell. As expected, when Fluttershy answered the door their pizza delivery driver was on the other side. She thanked him, gave him a generous tip, and brought the pizza into the apartment.

“Alright, I’m starving!” Lemon Zest opened her pizza box excitedly, then pulled a slice out and bit into it. “Ow! Hot!”

Fluttershy giggled. “Hold on, I’ll get us some plates.” She walked into the kitchen and grabbed a couple paper plates. She had real ones, but she never used them; doing dishes took more energy than she had most days, so she always used disposable plates, cups, and cutlery.

She returned to find Lemon Zest was still eating her pizza despite having burnt herself. Fluttershy smiled and rolled her eyes, then handed her friend a plate.

It turned out to be nice having Lemon Zest over. It was something Fluttershy had been missing without even realizing it, a little piece of normality that was returned to her. As they ate, they talked about what Lemon Zest had been up to, which was mostly planning a trip to spend some time with her parents, who lived out of state, and catching up with old friends from Crystal Prep.

“So no surprise, it turns out Indigo Zap was into me…” Lemon Zest said with a sigh. “I’m so dense…”

That wasn’t a surprise; when Lemon Zest and Indigo Zap had been in school, they had a pretty intense makeout session during a game of truth and dare. For Lemon Zest, it had just been a dare that they had gotten a little carried away with, but for Indigo Zap…

“I hope she wasn’t too upset.”

Lemon Zest shrugged. “With herself more than me, I think. Which just makes me feel worse for being such an idiot about it all, but I don’t think she was ever mad at me.”

“You’re not an idiot, Zesty.” Fluttershy frowned, wondering if she had given Lemon Zest that impression with how she had acted from their kiss. “What’s she up to these days anyway?”

“Well… okay, but don’t tell Lightning Dust. She’s got a girlfriend.”

Fluttershy smiled. “Good for her. She can’t be afraid Lighting Dust won’t approve of it though.”

Lemon Zest chuckled. “Nah, she’s just waiting until they know things are gonna work out. Doesn’t want to endure her big sister’s teasing unless it’s worth it, you know?”

“Yeah, I can imagine.”Fluttershy giggled. She loved Lightning Dust, but she wasn’t the most considerate person all the time. There was no way she’d let her little sister off easy, even if Indigo was still trying to navigate her feelings. “Her secret’s safe with me. How are the others?”

“They’re all pretty good. You know the kind of people they are, being an overachiever at Crystal Prep gets you pretty far in life.”

“I suppose it must.” Fluttershy leaned back into the couch. She’d eaten her fill of pizza and then some.

Lemon Zest seemed to take notice. “Done eating?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“So you wanna work on unpacking then?”

Fluttershy had forgotten Lemon Zest’s offer to help her unpack. “Don’t worry about it, I’ll just get to it tomorrow.”

“Why not? I mean, I’m here, I’m willing to help, let’s do it!”

‘Because I lied about needing to unpack just so I’d have a reason to blow you off,’ Fluttershy thought, but she didn’t want to say that. They had to both know that was the case, no point in driving the point home. “I’m just really not that worried about it. I’ll get to it soon.”

“Shy, you’ve had this place for a month. Maybe a push is just what you need to finally finish.”

That was true. Resigning herself to her fate, Fluttershy stood up and led them to her bedroom. “Okay, but it’s really not that much.”

There were only a few boxes piled up, but Lemon Zest didn’t comment on that. Instead, she just took one of them and opened it up. “Looks like we got some books in this one.”

“I still have to read most of those.”

“Oh hey, I remember this one from school! Have you read it yet?”

“Oh yeah, Twilight sent that one to me.”

The two of them made slow progress unpacking because they talked about everything as they were going through it. Fluttershy didn’t mind, though. At least it was getting done, and she was having a lot of fun with it.

Although she did have some mixed feelings once they got to her old clothes. “Wow, haven’t seen you wear anything like this in ages,” Lemon Zest said as she held up a long flowing blouse.

“Yeah, I guess they just don’t suit the person I am these days.” Fluttershy looked up where she could see herself in the mirror. She was wearing a grungy long sleeve shirt with studs in it over a Bitchette band tee, and pants that were covered in patches. No rips due to the cold weather, but still very much a punk outfit.

“You don’t have to be just one person,” Lemon Zest said with a shrug. “Wait, that came out wrong. I mean like, the old Fluttershy doesn’t have to go away for the new Fluttershy to be around.”

Fluttershy took the blouse and brought it to her closet to hang it up. “I know. I just feel more comfortable dressing like this.”

“Nothing wrong with that, you look badass in punk clothes.”

Fluttershy smiled and turned to see Lemon Zest pick something else up out of the box. She expected another article of clothing, but what she saw instead made her frown.

“What’s this?” Lemon Zest was holding a plush fish, the only one of Fluttershy’s stuffed animals that wasn’t already around the room.

Without answering, Fluttershy crossed the room and sat down on the bed beside Lemon Zest. She held out her hand, which Lemon Zest put the fish into, and she just looked at it for a moment.

It was a bit dusty, a result of being kept locked away in her closet for so long, but otherwise it was in good condition. It was a funny-looking fish, and a memento of a happier time.

“Sunfish Swimmer,” Fluttershy answered eventually. “Sunset gave it to me just before we started dating.”

“Oh.” Lemon Zest didn’t seem to know what to say, just staring at Fluttershy and waiting for more of a reaction.

Fluttershy eventually smiled, even if only a little. “She hated the name. I forget who came up with it, one of the girls. I had just moved into her house, and I wasn’t working yet, so she didn’t have much money back then. Still, she wanted to get me a birthday present.”

“That sounds really sweet of her.”

Fluttershy nodded, then bit her lip as tears threatened to come. “She was a really sweet person, actually. One of the best friends I ever had. We just… didn’t work well as a couple. We both fed into each other’s faults and brought out the worst in each other.” She turned to Lemon Zest and gave a bigger, more authentic smile. “But we also had some really good times together. I know I don’t talk about her a lot, and if I do it’s to complain, but… she was really good to me, actually, and… and I…”

“Hey, it’s okay. Come here.” Lemon Zest scooted over and pulled Fluttershy closer, putting an arm around her. Fluttershy leaned against her friend, who stroked her hair gently. “Have you… ever thought about going back to being friends with her? That’s what she wanted, right?”

“Yeah, that’s what she wanted.” Fluttershy shook her head, nuzzling against Lemon Zest in the process. “It’s just… as soon as I saw her, I got so angry. More angry than I’ve been in years, I wanted… Zesty, I wanted to hurt her. For leaving me, for not reaching out sooner, for replacing me with the other Fluttershy. I wanted so many bad things for her, I just…”

“Yeah, I get it. She really hurt you.”

Fluttershy sat up. “It’s not that. Because I know I hurt her just as much. I might’ve been even worse to her, because I was the one who broke up, I was the one who pushed her away. I just… I don’t like who I am around her.”

“Yeah, I understand.” Lemon Zest nodded her head towards Sunfish Swimmer. “So what are you going to do with that?”

Fluttershy stared at the fish for a moment. She’d thought about getting rid of it many times, but it was too precious to her, even now. Just like the guitars. At a time when Sunset had so little, she had still gone out of her way to do something for someone who wasn’t even her girlfriend.

She stood up and sighed. “I’ve been hiding from things for too long.” She walked across the room and placed it on her dresser, facing the bed. “I think it looks good there, what about you?”

“Yeah, I think so too.”

“Is there a lot left to unpack?”

Lemon Zest jerked her head towards a box. “That’s the last one.”

Fluttershy bowed her head. “Can we stop? I’ll finish it tomorrow, I’m just… not in the mood anymore.”

“Hmm… Okay, but on one condition.”

“What’s that?”

Lemon Zest stood up and placed a hand on Fluttershy’s shoulder. She had a cocky grin that made Fluttershy feel flustered. “You let me help. I’m gonna be bored out of my mind with nothing to do anyway, might as well help you in the process.”

“I guess I could do that, only…” Fluttershy blushed. “I have a condition too.”

“Oh yeah?”

Fluttershy put her hand on Lemon Zest’s. “Stay the night with me?”

“Sure!” Lemon Zest answered instantly. “I didn’t bring any pajamas though.”

“You can wear some of mine if you want,” Fluttershy said. “They might be a little big on you, though.”

“Hey, that just means they’re extra comfy!”

Fluttershy beamed. She hadn’t been sure her request would go over well; it had been over a year since she and Lemon Zest had last spent the night together, after all. But she put those worries out of her head as she dug out pajamas for them both.

She tried to find her smallest pair of pajama pants for the much thinner Lemon Zest, though she was less concerned about the top. At least that wouldn’t run the risk of slipping off of her if it was too big. She handed the pajamas to Lemon Zest, who left for the bathroom to get changed.

While she did, Fluttershy herself got changed into pajamas. She didn’t always bother to wear pajamas to bed, having grown used to sleeping naked with company, but of course tonight would be an exception.

Within a few minutes, Lemon Zest was back, but she didn’t come all the way into the room. “So wanna put on a movie or play a game or something for a bit?”

“Sure.” Fluttershy followed Lemon Zest into the living room, then turned on the TV. “I don’t have any games of my own, all our videogames were Rainbow’s. I have some puzzles if you feel like doing one of those, or we could just put on a movie.”

Lemon Zest shrugged. “Why not both? Throw on a movie we don’t have to pay a lot of attention to, and we’ll do a puzzle while we watch it.”

Fluttershy nodded and did just that. “Since it’s Christmas, wanna watch a Christmas special?”

“Sure, sounds good.”

Fluttershy found an animated Christmas movie. It was a newer one, and Fluttershy hadn’t seen it yet. “I really like Christmas movies.”

“Yeah, there are some really good ones.”

“Sunset and I… well, we got back together on Christmas, you know.”

“I remember that, she came out to the New Years’ show. You were really happy then.”

Fluttershy sighed. “I haven’t really felt the same around the holidays since that Christmas. And everything fell apart afterwards…”

“Hey, if it’s going to be too hard for you, we can put something else on.”

Fluttershy shook her head. “No, I want to like things like this again. And maybe doing it with you will help that.”

Lemon Zest smiled. “Well, I’m happy to help if I can.”

Fluttershy set the movie to play, then went over to a bookshelf and pulled down a puzzle. It had a picture of some cute puppies on it. “I’m sorry. Am I talking too much about Sunset?”

“Shy, it’s good that you’re talking about her. This is probably really healthy for you.”

“I guess.” Fluttershy set the puzzle down on the table and the two of them got to work on sorting the pieces into edge and center pieces.

Although the movie was good, they talked over it a lot. Mostly just comments on how the puzzle was coming along, nothing too personal. But eventually as she was putting together one of the puppy’s faces, Fluttershy sighed wistfully. “I miss animals.”

“Then get a pet.”

Fluttershy smiled a little. “I don’t know. I’m away from home so much.”

Lemon Zest shrugged. “Not for the next six months you’re not. And you have friends in town, I’m sure you could get someone to take care of it while you’re gone.”

“Maybe…”

“Definitely! You love animals, you should get one for yourself.”

“Maybe… maybe a dog.”

“Hell yeah!”

Fluttershy put another piece in the puzzle, completing the puppy’s nose. “Do, uhm. Do you think you might be okay with going with me to get one?”

“Sure, I don’t see why not. Then I’ll get to play with the puppy too.”

Fluttershy smiled. “Thanks, Zesty.”

“Hey, I think these two sections can connect now!”

“Oh, you’re right.”

Lemon Zest connected two medium-sized sections of the puzzle to make one large one. She smiled at Fluttershy, then turned to watch the movie for a few minutes.

When she spoke again, she sounded a little reserved. “Hey, Shy?”

“Yeah?”

“We understand each other, right?”

Fluttershy frowned. “What do you mean?”

“I mean… something like last time isn’t going to happen again, right?”

Fluttershy bowed her head. She could see why Lemon Zest was asking that. “No, I understand. We’re just friends, nothing more. I’m sorry, I’m asking too much of you.”

“No, it’s cool. Stuff like this, staying the night with you once in a while, going to get a dog with you, I like this kind of stuff.” Lemon Zest scratched her neck. “If… if I ever was going to date anyone, it’d probably be you, you know?”

Fluttershy wasn’t sure that made her feel any better about not being able to date Lemon Zest, but she just nodded her head.

“It’s just… you know, cuddling I like, but kissing, and… other stuff…”

“I understand, Zesty. I won’t push for anything.” Fluttershy looked away for a moment. “I, uhm, I read about asexuality, you know. I read that ace people do date, they just don’t always do sexual stuff. Do you think…?”

Lemon Zest winced. “I… thought about it, you know? But… I don’t really want to be anyone’s girlfriend. I just want to be me, have some good friends and have a good time. I don’t mind if I’m a little closer with some of those friends, as long as it’s, you know, we know where we stand.”

“Okay. I understand.” Fluttershy smiled to show there were no hard feelings. “I remember you saying you were also aromantic, so I mean, I guess I knew. I just…”

“Yeah, I feel you. It’s… well, this whole thing is fucking weird, so like, only one way to be sure how I felt, I guess…”

Fluttershy put her hand on Lemon Zest’s shoulder and gave it a squeeze. “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”

“It’s fine. It’s just kinda still new to me, you know?”

“Yeah. I may not be the same, but if you ever want to talk about it.”

Lemon Zest smiled at her. “Yeah, thanks, Shy.”

It was a little awkward to go back to their puzzle from there, but they managed. They finished the movie before they finished the puzzle, so they played another Christmas special that they had both seen before while they worked on it.

Then they still didn’t get it done, so eventually Lemon Zest had to propose they leave the rest for tomorrow. Fluttershy found she liked the sound of that, so she agreed.

“So, ready for bed?” Lemon Zest asked.

Fluttershy wasn’t really tired, but the idea of going to bed with someone else was appealing, even if it was someone that she wouldn’t be having sex with. “Sure.”

Once in the bedroom, they had to take a few minutes to move Fluttershy’s stuffed animals. Although she had a big bed, they took up much of the headspace. Once they found places for all of them, Lemon Zest climbed into bed, with Fluttershy turning off the lights and following after her.

“Zesty?”

“Yeah?”

“Uhm…” Fluttershy shook her head.

Lemon Zest giggled. “Honestly, there’s no need to be so shy.” She scooted closer to Fluttershy, curling around her and holding onto her. “I knew that spending the night with you meant we’d be cuddling.”

Fluttershy placed her hands on Lemon Zest and smiled. “This is nice.”

“Yeah, it is.”

Fluttershy tilted her head toward Lemon Zest and took a deep breath. She could smell lemon-scented shampoo, which caused a rush of endorphins. “What I actually wanted to say was, well… I’m just looking forward to tomorrow. I don’t usually wake up with someone then get to spend the day with them.”

“Yeah, me either,” Lemon Zest said. “My giant teddy bear never wants to spend the day with me.”

Fluttershy giggled. “Good night, Zesty.”

“Good night, Shy.”

Fluttershy had to stop herself from asking if a goodnight kiss would be going too far since she knew very well that it would be. They were just friends, even if they cuddled on occasion, and that was all they needed to be.

She took another deep breath of Lemon Zest’s scent, then closed her eyes. They may never be anything more than friends, but Fluttershy felt like the missing pieces of her life were finally on the path to being filled.
> 4 – Facing Guilt
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter Four
Facing Guilt

⠀



⠀
“Welcome back,” Daffodil Breeze said as she greeted Fluttershy in the lobby.

Fluttershy smiled at her. “Hi, Daffodil.”

Daffodil gestured for Fluttershy to follow her, so she did. They went through the lobby, into a hallway, up some stairs, through another hallway, and then into Daffodil’s office. It was decorated a lot like a school classroom, with motivational posters on the wall and little else.

Fluttershy took a seat beside Daffodil’s desk. There were three seats at various parts of the room that Fluttershy could choose between, but she always sat in the one closest to Daffodil. They both sat on the same side of the desk, and for the most part, they faced one another with nothing in between them. Daffodil had a computer on her desk that she would occasionally turn to type on, but otherwise she always gave Fluttershy her full attention.

“So how are you doing today?” Daffodil asked once they were both seated.

“I’m good,” Fluttershy said, and for once she felt like it was true. “I got a dog.”

“Oh, great! Pets are a great source of companionship.”

“I think that’s why I wanted a dog. Someone that’ll light up whenever she sees me.”

Daffodil nodded. “Yes, they can be very expressive animals. What’s her name?”

“Cherub. She’s a German Shepherd.”

“Very loyal breed.”

Fluttershy smiled. She didn’t specifically think she’d needed a dog that could protect her, but she thought she might feel safer being home alone with a dog like that. “She’s just a puppy right now, but she’s already the light of my life.”

“I’m really glad to hear you have something positive going for you.”

Fluttershy nodded, all smiled. But that couldn’t last. “Although…”

“Oh?” Daffodil gave her a concerned look. “Is something wrong with her?”

“Oh, no, she’s fine. The vet said she’s in perfect health, and she’s doing good in her training. But it’s just… I know we only have so much time to talk, and well…”

“Is there something else you’d like to talk about?” Daffodil smiled at that, and Fluttershy understood why; she’d never once been the one to initiate a conversation.

“I don’t know. I guess.” Fluttershy sighed. “My friend Lemon Zest says I need to open up more to you about stuff. I don’t know if it’ll help, but…”

Daffodil nodded and smiled. “Opening up is definitely a good idea. Where would you like to start?”

Fluttershy glanced out of the window. “I guess I’d just like to talk. And maybe if I get stuck you could help me keep going, but mostly I think I should just talk.”

“That sounds good to me.”

Even though it was what she wanted, Fluttershy still hesitated. There was just so much… “There’s a lot of stuff I haven’t told you. And I thought it didn’t matter because I thought I was over it all, but maybe… maybe I really wasn’t.”

“That’s not uncommon.” Daffodil inclined her head. “Start wherever you’d like. I’m listening.”

“Right. Well, I guess the best place to start is with my mom. She died when I was fourteen. She was everything to me. She was always sick, so it wasn’t a surprise, exactly, but still.”

“No fourteen-year-old expects to go through that. Nor should they. How did you feel about that?”

Fluttershy smiled. “It hurt, and I probably could’ve used some therapy back then. But I’ve come to terms with my mom’s passing. Really, it isn’t like the other things I need to talk about, I’m okay with it.”

Daffodil smiled. “Okay, we’ll move on from there then. What happened after your mom passed?”

Fluttershy’s smile fell away. “Then I was alone with my step-father.”

“I can tell you don’t like him much.”

Fluttershy let out a small laugh. “No, I don’t. He was… well, even when my mom was alive, he was abusive. He would yell at me, and sometimes, when he was really drunk he’d hit me.”

“And after she died?”

“Then he never stopped hitting me…” Fluttershy took a deep breath. “And… and he started doing other things…”

Daffodil pursed her lips, pausing with Fluttershy for a moment. When she spoke, however, her voice was level and professional. “Are you comfortable talking about what he did?”

“He raped me,” Fluttershy said simply. “I was only fifteen. One night he came into my room and… and he raped me. And then he did it again. And again. He raped me for over three years.”

Even at that, Daffodil didn’t break professionalism. “I can’t imagine what that must have been like. Did you tell anyone?”

Fluttershy shook her head. “It didn’t feel like I could. I was so ashamed, and I felt like if I told anyone, they’d believe him over me. He was supposed to be my dad, he was supposed to be taking care of me, and he was the adult. I thought if I told anyone, he might hurt me worse, or even kill me. And I thought… and… I was just so ashamed.”

Daffodil saw what was coming and handed Fluttershy a box of tissues. She had thought she had come to terms with this ages ago. The nightmares had mostly stopped, she could go days or weeks without thinking of him now, she thought she was better.

Fluttershy wiped her eyes and blew her nose. Daffodil moved a trash bin closer to her, so she threw away the tissue, keeping the box on hand. “I used to spend the night at my friends’ houses every chance I could. I could handle him in the day, I could deal with the beatings and the insults, but at night… he’d come home smelling like alcohol, and I’d try to hide under my blankets, and…” Fluttershy took a deep breath. “And it never helped. I even tried locking my door once. He broke it down, and… well, after what he did that night, I never tried locking the door again.”

“Of course. He had all the power, and all you could do was pray.”

“I prayed a lot. I used to believe so much more than I do now, I used to go to church and I’d pray to God, and…” Fluttershy looked away, feeling deeply ashamed for what she was saying. “And He never helped.”

“Religion is a difficult subject.”

Fluttershy smiled a little. “I know. Maybe we could talk about that another time, but there are really other things I’d rather focus on today.”

“Of course.” Daffodil nodded. “So you got out, though. How did that happen?”

Fluttershy closed her eyes. “Sunset Shimmer. My friend, and later my first girlfriend. She got me out.”

“You told her what was happening?”

Fluttershy shook her head. “No, she saw what he was doing. Not everything he was doing, she didn’t know I was being raped, but she could tell he was abusive, I guess. She convinced me to move in with her.”

“I think it’s safe to say that was a positive move?”

“It was.” Fluttershy smiled briefly. “I was happy, for a while. It was the only time I was ever really happy. But I was still so scared, and I was so lonely.”

“Did something happen between you and Sunset?”

Fluttershy nodded. “My step-father told me so many times that I was only good for one thing. And I thought if that’s all I was good for, I could use that. I thought if I had sex with Sunset, then she wouldn’t leave me. That she’d protect me.”

“Did you know you liked girls at the time?”

“Yes. I knew even when I was little. What I never knew was if I’d like guys if it wasn’t for Stormy Skies. Oh, that’s his name, my step-father. I usually just call him that.”

“We can call him that if you want. Whatever you’re comfortable calling him.” Daffodil smiled a little. “We can just call him The Asshole if that makes you feel better.”

Fluttershy smiled at that. Despite her constant professionalism, Daffodil Breeze really was personable too. “Stormy Skies is fine. But uhm, I think he ruined men for me, in a way. I mean I don’t know if I would like guys romantically if it wasn’t for him, but I… I don’t like being around men now…”

“What do men make you feel?”

“I guess… scared… But, uhm, not always. I have guy friends. Windfall, our guitarist, I pretty much live with him when we’re on tour. And he’s great, he’s a perfect gentleman, and I know he’d never lay a hand on me. But… sometimes, if I don’t know he’s there…”

“It triggers you when he catches you off guard?”

“Yes. Especially if, uhm, if I’m asleep and he’s the one who comes to wake me up. Then it’s like I’m fifteen again.” The more she talked about it, the stupider Fluttershy felt for ever thinking she was over Stormy Skies and what he did to her. “I feel so bad. I just feel so guilty for having these feelings when Windfall is such a good friend to me.”

“It’s important to remember you can’t control your triggers.”

“I know, but I just feel so damn guilty. All the time, about everything! I always have something I feel guilty about. And Windfall… he’s so tall, it’s hard to not feel like I’m a teenager again when I’m standing next to him. But Gilda’s just as tall, and she doesn’t set me off…”

“But Gilda’s a woman.” Daffodil folded her hands in her lap. “You know, some women in your situation would cut ties with men completely.”

Fluttershy shook her head. “I wouldn’t ever want to do that. It’s not Windfall’s fault. It’s not any other man’s fault, it’s all Stormy Skies.”

“I think that’s very mature of you.” Daffodil glanced away for a second, then asked, “Fluttershy, what happened to Stormy Skies? Did you ever report him to the authorities?”

“Yes, with Sunset’s help. We proved he was guilty, and before we even could, he violated a restraining order and threatened me on camera. I was really scared that night, but it added a lot of time to his sentence.”

Daffodil nodded. “That’s a relief to hear. So often people in his position get away without any repercussions. And I’m glad you’re confronting these feelings. It may take some time to sort through them all, but you’re taking a big step here.”

Fluttershy took a deep breath and tried to think of what they were talking about before she got off on a tangent. Oh, right, Sunset. “It’s kind of funny, alcohol was a trigger of mine at first too. Then I moved in with Sunset, and she drank a lot. We were both underage, but she drank a lot.”

“Did she know it bothered you?”

“No. I think she would’ve stopped if she did.” Fluttershy chuckled. “And then I started drinking, because I couldn’t be mad at her for drinking if I was doing it too.”

“Well, I wouldn’t recommend that course of action with alcohol, but it’s safe to say you got over being triggered by it.”

Fluttershy laughed. “Yes, a little too over it. I know I became an alcoholic. Sunset was too, though neither of us really knew that at the time. We both got sober for a little while, when we found out… oh.”

“Oh?”

Suddenly Fluttershy’s mouth went dry as she realized what was coming. “I’ve… I’ve never told you about her…”

“About who?”

“Sky Shimmer.” Fluttershy looked down. “My daughter.”

“Your… oh God…”

Ah, she’d finally cracked through the professionalism. “Yeah. I didn’t know it, but when I moved in with Sunset I was pregnant.”

“And you decided to keep the child?”

Fluttershy sighed. “I was a stupid teenager. And I was devoutly religious at the time. We were dirt poor, we had just started dating, we were both fresh out of high school… We weren’t in a good place for a kid. I know that now. But back then, I just thought of this little life inside of me, and I couldn’t do anything to get rid of it.”

“But… something happened.”

“Yeah. Sky was five months. We had just gotten confirmation about her gender. Then there was a car accident.”

“Oh, dear…”

“You have to understand, Sky was everything to me. To us. Sunset didn’t want to keep her at first, but once I made my decision known, she dumped all our alcohol down the sink the next day so we could get sober together. From that moment on, everything, everything she did was for Sky, and everything I did was too. Sky was our daughter, and we were… we were going to be so happy together.”

Fluttershy took a steadying breath to keep from crying again. “I still think if Sky had survived, things would’ve worked out somehow. But I don’t really know. We never really built ‘us’, me and Sunset. It was always ‘us’, me, Sunset, and Sky. The three of us, there was never a two of us.”

Daffodil nodded. “You built a relationship around one thing, and then that thing wasn’t there anymore.”

“Yes.” Fluttershy ran a hand through her hair. “I don’t know. I want to believe we could have figured out our relationship if we had Sky to bind us a little longer. But I’ll never know.”

“It’s not good to dwell on things like that. Maybe it would have been different, but you have to focus on what did happen and figure out how to move on from all that pain.”

“Yeah, you’re right. So after Sky died, Sunset and I turned to drinking. We drank all the time, nonstop, and when we drank… we got angry.”

“You said Stormy Skies would yell at you. Do other people being angry cause any reaction with you?”

Fluttershy hesitated, tempted to deny it. “Yes. I get angry back. Really angry, like… just like Stormy Skies…”

“You’re not like him, Fluttershy.”

Fluttershy frowned and looked down at her hands in her lap. She hadn’t noticed, but at some point she had folded them together and was rubbing one thumb along the other. “I thought it made me strong at first. Yelling at people, getting mad at them, I thought I was so tough. I thought I’d come so far from the paralyzed little girl who couldn’t stop that disgusting man from doing things to her. I thought I was finally the one in control.”

“But you don’t think that now.”

“No.” Fluttershy bounced her leg up and down. “When I’m angry, I hurt people. I don’t hit them or anything, but I know what to say to make them hurt. I did it with Sunset, I did it with Rainbow, I do it with everyone. I know just what to say, and I don’t ever stop to think about saying it. I’m not in control, I’m just on a fucked up power kick…”

“Well, it’s more complicated than that, I think. I think you’ve lived a long time with someone in control of you, and I think when you feel like that control is being taken from you, you have to lash out to get it back. Not to mention that you weren’t ever shown how to disagree with someone when you were growing up, you learned from a young age that this is how you disagree.”

Fluttershy nodded slowly. “I guess you’re right.”

“So you fought with Sunset a lot, and drinking made it worse.”

“Yes. We broke up after I…” Fluttershy put her head in her hand. “After I threw a glass at her. Just like Stormy Skies, I tried to hurt her.”

“Did you mean to hurt her?”

“I… I don’t even remember. It all happened so fast, and I… I just don’t remember…”

Daffodil nodded. “And you’ve never done anything like that again?”

“No, never. I was so disgusted with myself that I couldn’t tell Rainbow what happened. She grew to resent Sunset because she only ever heard my side of the story. That was my fault.”

“Another thing you feel guilty about.”

“Yes. There’s so many…”

“That’s okay,” Daffodil said brightly. “We have the chance to go through all that guilt now. For right now, it’s enough to just get it all out.”

Fluttershy nodded. “Well, after that we broke up. But we couldn’t stay broken up, so we got back together a few months later. And it was good again for a while, but then…” When Daffodil didn’t say anything, Fluttershy finished, “Then we started drinking again.”

“Is it fair to say alcohol was what really ended your relationship?”

“There were other things that ended it. But… I think alcohol turned it into something that wasn’t worth saving. In the end though, it was because things picked up with Bitchette. We got invited on tour, and I had to choose between Sunset and the band. She made me have to choose.”

“I sense you’re still bitter about that.”

Fluttershy winced. She had meant to focus on her own faults where Sunset was concerned; she had focused on Sunset’s for long enough. “Yes. I’m still bitter that she made me choose. She wanted me to take what she thought was the safe choice and continue school, but I was already failing school. I needed to try being a band manager.”

“And she didn’t support you.”

“No, she didn’t.”

Daffodil drummed her fingers on the desk. “Well, if she didn’t want to have a girlfriend on tour, she had the right to make that decision for herself.”

Fluttershy frowned. “Maybe if she had just said she wanted to break up, but she kept belittling me. She kept making me feel like it was stupid to even try, and I… it reminded me of him, so I dug my heels in and I did it anyway.”

“And that was the end of you two?”

Ever so barely, Fluttershy shook her head. “No. I told her… I said I found someone else. It was a lie, I just… We couldn’t stay apart, and she was already talking about waiting for me, and I just felt like if she moved on I could move on and we could go back to being friends and everything would be better.”

“And did she move on?”

“After she moved away, yes.”

“I see.”

“She moved away, and she got her perfect fucking life, and she married two other women, and one of them looks just like I did before I got fat and chopped my hair off.”

“It must be hard to see her with someone that reminds you of yourself.”

“It is. And then she fucking showed up to our concert, with her two perfect wives in tow and –” Fluttershy winced. “And I’m getting angry again. I’m sorry.”

“It sounds like you have good reason to be angry.”

Fluttershy sighed. “If she had called ahead… I don’t know, it’s been a long time, maybe I would’ve been okay. Or maybe I wouldn’t, but dammit, that was my decision!”

“It was. She shouldn’t have taken that decision away from you.”

“But… I told her it was her fault that I tried to kill myself. I never should have said that. It wasn’t true.”

“Have you tried to reach out to her since that happened?”

Fluttershy shook her head. “No. I don’t know what I’d say. I… I should let her know I didn’t mean what I said, though.”

“Well, we’re not focusing on her right now, we’re focusing on you. Do you think it would be helpful for you to talk to her?”

“No,” Fluttershy answered quickly. “I’m… not a good person when I’m with her. I don’t think I can be.”

“Then do you have any mutual friends who could get a message to her? Just to tell her that you didn’t mean what you said, but you don’t want to talk?”

“Yes. Her best friend, Applejack. They keep in touch all the time, and I still keep in touch with AJ whenever I’m in town.”

“I think it may help your feelings of guilt to do that.”

“Maybe you’re right.” Fluttershy looked out the window. “I asked Applejack to ask her to come home for me once, not too long after she moved away. Applejack asked her, and she said no.”

“She’d already moved on,” Daffodil said gently. “It’s time for you to do the same.”

“I thought I did. I always think I’ve moved on, and then something reminds me that I haven’t.”

“There’s no sign that tells us, ‘congrats, you got over it.’ Sometimes it’ll sneak up on you. And sometimes, like with your feelings towards your mom’s passing, you’ll one day realize you have moved on.”

“I have so much to move on from…”

“You’ll get there, and I’ll help you.”

Fluttershy smiled a little. “Thank you.”

Daffodil looked at the clock. “We covered a lot today, but our time is coming to a close. How do you feel after talking about all of that?”

Fluttershy shook her head. “Exhausted.”

“That’s normal, I’m afraid. But it’ll help you to go through it all. Trust me.”

“I do. I… I think I feel a little better, actually.”

“Well, that’s great! Just remember that recovery isn’t a straight line. There will be bad days in the future, but that doesn’t mean your progress here is any lessened.”

“I know. Thank you, Daffodil.”

“My pleasure, Fluttershy. Before we wrap this up, is there anything else we should talk about?”

For what felt like the hundredth time in the past hour, Fluttershy hesitated. “Yes… But… it’s hard to say.”

“After all that? You should know you can tell me anything.”

Fluttershy frowned and wouldn’t look at Daffodil. “I’m still having suicidal thoughts.”

“I see. Do you have a plan?”

“A plan?”

“If you were going to kill yourself, do you have a plan of what you’d do?”

Fluttershy shook her head. “No. Last time I didn’t either, I just… did it.”

Daffodil nodded. “People with a plan are more likely to act on it, so that’s a good sign. What kind of things make you want to hurt yourself?”

“That’s just it, it’s all the time. I don’t think I’d ever act on it, but those thoughts never stop coming.”

“I see. I’m glad you don’t plan on acting on it. You have to realize, you’ve been depressed for a long time. I’m not saying this isn’t serious, just that it can be expected.”

“Really?”

“It’s more common than you’d think. Suicide has been an answer for years. Not the right answer, but it’s been an escape. A card you could always play if you needed to. Those thoughts often take a long time to go away. That said, how are you doing on your medication? Has it affected the suicidal thoughts at all?”

“No. They were always there, and the meds don’t make them go away.”

“And they don’t make them worse?”

“No.”

“Talk to your prescriber about it anyway. They may want to try a different med that might get rid of those thoughts altogether.”

“Okay.”

“In the meantime, I want you to promise me something.”

Fluttershy smiled a little. “I wouldn’t ever go through with it. I know how it sounds when I already tried once, but I learned my lesson.”

“Well, forever’s a long time. We make plans that last forever, and we get burnt out with them. I just want you to promise me you’ll stay alive until the next time we speak.”

“Okay. I can do that. I promise.”

“Good.” Daffodil stood up, so Fluttershy did as well. They walked to the door, and Daffodil escorted them out the way they came. “We’ll go more in detail with some of what you told me today in our next session. I’ll come up with some specific questions to help guide us, now that I know a little more about what’s going on.”

“Okay.” Fluttershy couldn’t help but smile. “I really thought if I told you everything, something bad would happen.”

“Even with what you told me, I don’t believe you’re a danger to anyone. Including yourself. You’re just someone who needs a little help, and who’s finally going to get it.”

“Thank you so much.”

“That’s what I’m here for.”

They reached the lobby, where they would part ways. Daffodil held the door open for her, and Fluttershy walked through. “See you next week, Fluttershy.”

“Bye. See you next week.”

Daffodil Breeze closed the door, and Fluttershy walked up to the checkout window. Her head was racing with all the things that they talked about, about Stormy Skies, Sunset, and suicide. They hadn’t even had time to talk about Sonata. Fluttershy made a mental note to go over that in their next session.

She smiled as it occurred to her. She was looking forward to another session. Oh sure, it had been hell to go through all that baggage, but now that she had, she felt lighter.

It was only a week ahead, but for the first time that she could remember, Fluttershy was looking forward to something other than work. Something that was going to help her, not just keep her busy.

For the first time in ages, Fluttershy was looking forward to just being alive in a week.

The clerk at the window called her, so she stepped up and presented her insurance card. While she was waiting on that to go through, she pulled out her phone and texted Applejack.

Are you busy? There’s something I’d really like to talk to you about.
> 5 – Face to Face With Ghosts
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter 
Face to Face With Ghosts

⠀



⠀
Sweet Apple Acres was always a place of mixed feelings for Fluttershy, but seldom as much as it was today. Ghosts of the past accompanied her from the moment she pulled up to the farm. Memories lingered that were as static as the trees of the orchard. Fluttershy was usually okay with it, finding comfort in these remembrances… But today they felt heavier.

She got out of her car – a recent purchase to keep her from leaning on her friends so much – and called Cherub over to her. The little puppy came running over to her seat, and Fluttershy had to stop her from jumping out. She attached a leash to the German Shepherd’s collar, then let her jump out of the car.

As she walked the rest of the way up to the farmhouse, she looked around. There were memories at every turn. Memories of high school, of days spent rehearsing with the Rainbooms here. Memories of life after graduation, when they’d still get together for regular cookouts in the summer. Memories of Sunset, so many memories of Sunset.

And, of course, this was where Sky rested.

Fluttershy was glad she had Cherub with her. It made it a little easier to stay out of her head with the excitable puppy running back and forth. She would run ahead as far as her leash would allow, sniff something, then run back the other way.

The sight of Applejack broke what was left of her reverie, and she reflexively put on a confident, smiling face. “Hello, Applejack.”

“Hey, Fluttershy.” Applejack had been waiting on the front porch for her, but she walked forward to meet her friend halfway. When she got there, she bent down and held out her hand to let Cherub sniff her. “And hello to you too, cutie.”

“Cherub,” Fluttershy reminded her. “She’s been out to the dog park already, so this won’t be the first time she’s with another dog. She should behave herself.”

“I’m sure she’ll get along with Winona just fine. I’ll go get her, if you wanna meet me ‘round back.”

“Sounds good.” Fluttershy called Cherub, who came running at the sound of her name. Fluttershy smiled at the little dog’s excitability as she walked around the house to the backyard.

Fluttershy took a seat on a picnic table that the Apples kept around for get-togethers. She let Cherub walk around the ground nearby, sniffing new smells, but she didn’t take her off the leash yet. She would once Applejack brought Winona out, but she was a little worried about doing so before there were two sets of eyes on the little puppy.

They weren’t waiting for long. Applejack opened the door and Winona came running out, immediately running up to the unfamiliar dog, who in turn ran behind Fluttershy’s leg.

Fluttershy giggled and moved out of the way. “Say hi to Winona, Cherub. She’s a friend.”

Cherub gingerly stepped forward, then she and Winona walked in circles sniffing each other. Eventually, Winona adopted a playful stance, and Cherub jumped after her. Winona jumped back and ran a few feet, then turned around and waited for the puppy to follow.

Fluttershy unhooked the leash and let Cherub run after her new friend. She looked back at Fluttershy once, who gestured for her to go on, then she ran after the bigger dog.

“Looks like they’ll get on jus’ fine,” Applejack said.

Fluttershy nodded. “I think so.”

“So how’ve you been?”

“I’m doing okay,” Fluttershy answered, feeling like that was true for once. “Better than I have been in a long time.”

“That’s great! Keeping busy in your downtime from the band?”

“Trying to. I’m, uhm…” Fluttershy blushed a little. “I’m trying to write my memoirs.”

“Oh yeah? That sounds like a great project.”

“It’s… well, I don’t know if I’ll ever release it. I’d have to edit all the Equestrian stuff out, you know.”

Applejack nodded. “Be a bit hard to sell people on that all actually happening.”

“Yeah. But it’s good, I think. Getting it all out of my head. And it’s better than drinking and watching TV every night.” Fluttershy giggled as she watched the dogs running around. “Cherub’s helping a lot too.”

“Yeah, I think getting a dog was the smartest decision ya ever made.”

Fluttershy smiled. “She could be.”

Although she had worn a light jacket, Fluttershy found it was too warm for that. She pulled it off and set it on the picnic table, revealing the tank top she was wearing underneath.

“Gonna get any more tattoos done?” Applejack asked, admiring the ink on Fluttershy’s arms.

Fluttershy held out her left arm, which was mostly blank except for a sun on her shoulder. “I’d like to get something on this arm. I, uhm, actually kind of had an idea.”

“Oh yeah? What’s that?”

“Well, tattoo removal doesn’t always get the job done, is expensive, and there’s a lot of drawbacks. It’s easier to cover it up, but I thought, well… Maybe I don’t need to. It’s… it’s a little strange that I have my ex-girlfriend’s symbol tattooed on me like this. But maybe if I got a bunch of tattoos like this one…”

“Er, a bunch of suns?”

Fluttershy chuckled. “No. But maybe an apple, and some balloons for Pinkie, diamonds for Rarity, and everyone in the band, and Twilight, and just… everyone. A whole sleeve design of all my friends.”

Applejack smiled. “I think that sounds like a good idea.”

“I think I’ll start it up while we’re in Everton. I could get a couple sessions done before the tour.”

“How long will something like that take?”

“It’ll be a few sessions, at least.” Fluttershy shrugged. “I’ll have to talk it over with the artist, then we’ll see how well my skin takes the ink. But they’re simple designs, so it shouldn’t be too much of a problem.”

“Well, I look forward to seeing it done, then.” Applejack shifted in her seat. “And… I’m glad ya ain’t so mad at Sunset that you want to get rid of it.”

“I thought about it a lot. I used to like hiding it as much as possible. But now… I don’t know, I don’t mind as much.”

“I heard about how things went when she came to visit you.” Applejack frowned and looked away, towards the dogs. “I wanna apologize. That was partly my fault.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I knew it was a bad idea for her to go without calling ahead, and I just… didn’t say anything.”

“It’s fine, AJ. I’m sure she asked you not to.”

“Well, yeah, but still… I know enough to trust my gut on these things.”

Fluttershy smiled. “You’re her best friend. You’re supposed to support her.”

“Yeah, well, I’m your friend too. I just…” Applejack sighed. “Why didn’t ya ever tell me you were still torn up over her?”

Fluttershy bowed her head. “I didn’t know I was. I thought I was over her, really. I thought I was over a lot of things.”

“Ya know, if ya ever need to talk…”

“I know.” Fluttershy smiled. “I’m doing better these days though. I’m opening up with the band more, and I’m talking things through with my therapist.”

“Alright, well, the offer’s not goin’ anywhere.”

They watched the dogs for a few minutes, then Fluttershy pulled out a letter. She handed it to Applejack, but didn’t say anything right away.

“What’s this?”

“It’s for Sunset.” Fluttershy looked into Applejack’s eyes. “It’s things I want to say to her, but I can’t face her yet. Don’t worry, it’s nothing mean.”

Applejack nodded. “I’ll make sure she gets it.”

“So how’s she doing?”

Applejack hesitated. “You sure you want an update on that?”

Fluttershy smiled and nodded. “I know how I acted, but I’m really better when I’m not taken off guard. I don’t mind hearing about her and her wives.”

Applejack adjusted her hat. “Yeah, well, there’s something that’ll take you off guard pretty badly.”

“I’m ready. Tell me what it is.”

Applejack took a deep breath. “They’re adopting. A little girl, her name’s Morning Glisten.”

“Oh. Wow.”

“Yeah. You okay?”

Fluttershy just watched their dogs for a moment, then she surprised herself with the answer. “Yes, I am. It kind of hurts. But I’m okay. Have you met their daughter yet?”

“No, not yet. They’re still in the early stages, they just get her on the weekends right now. She’s not good with meetin’ new people, so they don’t want to overload her with all the other world stuff just yet.”

Fluttershy smiled a little. “Make sure they don’t keep that up forever. You know Sunset, she’s good at finding reasons to put stuff off.”

Applejack chuckled. “Yeah, that’s true. I’ll make sure she doesn’t put it off forever.”

Raising a girl together… that had been Fluttershy’s dream with Sunset. Now she was sharing that dream with someone else, and Fluttershy was left behind, like always.

She frowned at the intrusive thought. That wasn’t how it was, and she knew that. “Think they’re ready for this?”

“I think so,” Applejack said. “They’re in a good place in their relationship, and they’ve got lots of ponies around to help them. And with their jobs, Sunset almost exclusively works out of the house. Twilight goes on business trips and stuff sometimes, but she’s usually in town, so they’ll be around more often than not.”

“What does the other Fluttershy do?”

Applejack turned to her with surprise showing on her face. In truth, it surprised Fluttershy that she asked as well. “You sure you wanna talk about her?”

“I’ll never see her as her own person if I don’t.”

“Well, alright.” Applejack scratched at the back of her head. “She works with animals. Takes care of the wild animals around town or something, I’m not positive. I never get to leave the castle on account of some national security thing, so I’ve never seen what she does exactly.”

“I see.” Fluttershy frowned. “So she’s basically doing what I used to want to do. What Sunset wanted me to do.”

“Well… I guess she kind of is…”

Fluttershy took a shaky breath. It was still hard to feel like she wasn’t replaced.

“I won’t tell you that Sunset didn’t fall for her because she’s like you, because she probably did. Just… she’s also not you. It’s hard to place, but all the little things add up, you know?”

Fluttershy smiled and gestured to her attire. “I think there’s a few differences.”

Applejack frowned. “That ain’t why you started dressing like that, is it? To be different from the other Fluttershy?”

“No,” Fluttershy answered, then thought better of it. “Maybe that was part of it, but not the main reason. I just… I wanted to be someone else. I don’t think it mattered who. But now I like dressing like this. There’s a sort of positivity that comes with it, with trying to look good by my standards, not by society’s.”

Applejack grinned. “Well, ya always do look good, I ain’t arguin’ that.”

Fluttershy giggled. “Thanks, Applejack.”

Cherub ran over to the picnic table, then ran around their feet for a bit, then ran back off with Winona.

“So you’re still planning on going back on tour then?” Applejack asked. “Sure ya won’t find a nice girl and settle down?”

Fluttershy grinned. “Why? Miss me when I’m gone?”

Applejack shrugged. “Well, yeah. Don’t you miss all of us when you’re on the road?”

Fluttershy had just been teasing, she hadn’t expected a real answer. But it was easy to answer in turn. “I do. But we’re so busy most days that I don’t really have time to stop and think, I guess. But yes, I miss you, Pinkie, Rarity, and Twilight. And… and lately, I miss Sunset.”

“She’d really like to see you.”

“Maybe someday. Not now.”

Applejack nodded. “Fair enough. But ya didn’t answer my other question.”

“About settling down in Everton? No, I’m not ready to do that. Might do that someday too, but right now, I want to keep touring. Besides, I’m learning I don’t need a relationship as much as I thought I did. I need companionship.”

“Aww, well little Cherub has ya covered there.”

Fluttershy giggled. “Yes, she does. And Lemon Zest. She’s been spending a lot of time with me these days.”

“Oh yeah? Maybe ya won’t need to settle down to find a nice girl after all.”

Fluttershy shook her head. “No. I’d be interested, but she’s not and I respect that.”

“Ah, she’s straight?”

“No, she’s aro-ace.”

“Er, pardon?”

“Aromantic and asexual. She’s not interested in romance or sex.”

“Oh. I never realized there was a word for that.”

Fluttershy turned to face Applejack. This had been something on her mind as well. “Hey, AJ… You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but…”

“You want to know if I’m the same way.”

“Well… yes. You’ve never dated anyone. As far as I can tell, you’ve never even wanted to.”

Applejack was quiet. She watched the dogs instead of answering. Winona was jumping to try and catch a bug or something, and Cherub was just watching her and wagging her tail.

Eventually, Applejack sighed. “I don’t know. I don’t really think of it. I… I do think if I found the right person I’d settle down, but…” Applejack looked at Fluttershy. “You, er, like sex and stuff, right?”

Fluttershy chuckled. “Well, I didn’t catch an STI from a toilet seat.”

“I just… Well, when I was a teenager, I thought guys liked sex, and girls just kinda went along with it. But if that was true, then lesbians wouldn’t ever have sex, and believe me I’ve heard more than my fair share from Sunset about that.”

“Girls like sex too,” Fluttershy said simply. “But you don’t have to.”

“Well I mean, I’ve never done it.” Applejack looked at the ground. “I can’t really know if I don’t try it, you know?”

“Sure you can.” Fluttershy shrugged. “Straight people always seem to know they’re straight without trying things. And I knew I was gay when I was still a kid getting puppy love crushes on girls in elementary school.”

“I… I guess…”

“And you’re allowed to be wrong, you know. If you think you don’t like sex, then later find out you do, that’s okay.”

“I guess.”

“You want me to ask Lemon Zest if she’s okay with talking about it with you?”

“No, don’t worry about it. I think… I think I just need some time to think it over.”

“Okay. Well, if you ever want to talk about things, I’m happy to.”

Applejack smiled at her. “Thanks, Fluttershy.”

“So, uhm, how’s business going?”

That got them onto a more regular conversation topic. They talked about how things were going in each of their respective fields, about how Apple Bloom was running the social media side of Sweet Apple Acres these days, and about how Fluttershy was using some of her time to talent scout new bands online.

It was nice to catch up with Applejack. Even though she was staying in Everton, Fluttershy hadn’t seen her friend as much as she would’ve liked to. She resolved to change that, and the same went for Pinkie Pie. They were her oldest friends aside from Rainbow, and Fluttershy didn’t want to lose touch with either of them.

She stayed for lunch, bringing Cherub inside to see the Apple family house. It was where she’d be staying whenever Fluttershy was off on tour, so she needed to get used to it. Applejack made them pasta salad, which was of course delicious.

“I should get going,” Fluttershy said after a while. “Thanks for having me.”

“Of course, always nice to see you.” Applejack kneeled down to scratch Cherub’s ears. “And it was nice meeting you, little one.”

Fluttershy attached the leash, then called Cherub. She fell into step beside her obediently.

“Want me to see you out?” Applejack asked.

“No, I… I think I’m going to make a stop on the way out.”

Applejack nodded her understanding, just like Fluttershy knew she would. “Well then, I’ll see ya around. Don’t be a stranger.”

The two women hugged, then Fluttershy left through the front door. The ghosts of her memories didn’t haunt her so much on the way back.

She didn’t go to her car, though. She walked along a well worn path, heading to a field of flowers with a small headstone.

She kneeled down when she reached it. Cherub sniffed it, then decided she was more interested in the nearby flowers.

Fluttershy turned her attention away from the dog to the grave instead. “Hi, Sky. It’s been a while. I hope you don’t mind.”

She looked up at the sky, which was clear of any clouds. “I just found out you have a sister. It feels like you’ve always watched over me, but now I have a favor to ask. Watch over Sunset and her daughter too. I know Applejack said she’s ready for this, but I know she must be freaking out. Oh, she’ll be good at being a mom, but she’ll be a nervous wreck too.”

Fluttershy smiled. “I always thought that raising a daughter was supposed to be our thing, but that was selfish, huh? Sunset and her wives deserve that, and I… I don’t even want a kid anymore. Not if I can’t have you.”

She shook her head. “But I’m not sad. I have days where all I feel is sad, but I’m not sad right now. I don’t want a kid, and that’s okay. And well, I’m allowed to change my mind later if I want, right? I’m not deciding anything forever, just focusing on right now.

“That’s something I’m still working on. Living in the moment. I used to think I was good at that, but then I realized living in the moment shouldn’t be pretending like there isn’t a future. I still have to take care of myself, but I need to enjoy what I have.”

Fluttershy hesitated, but there was no point in hiding things from Sky. “I didn’t want to live for a long time. Sometimes I still don’t. You know that, though. I would’ve gone through with it if it wasn’t for that dream with you, after all. But it’s different now. I don’t want to die, and… and that’s such a powerful feeling. It’s good, but it’s hard to not be overwhelmed by it. And so many people will never understand what this feels like, to want to live for the first time in ages. It’s just… it’s a lot.”

She traced her hand along the headstone and imagined she was stroking Sky’s hair. It didn’t work very well; her daughter had pale yellow and pink hair, and Fluttershy loved to brush and style it. This headstone was hard and solid.

“I miss you. But I miss you less and less every day. I felt guilty about that for a long time, but I’m starting to realize you wouldn’t want me to miss you the way I did. It hurt so much, I… I just wanted to be with you, no matter what. Now I know that someday I will be, and when I am, I want to be someone you’re proud of. Not someone who gave up when it got too difficult, but someone who stuck it out and lived life to the fullest.”

Fluttershy smiled as a tear rolled down her cheek. “But I’m okay. I’m… I’m okay now. I just… just…”

No matter how many times she said it, Fluttershy couldn’t make herself okay enough to stop the tears from coming. Cherub ran over and started licking at her legs until Fluttershy picked up the little puppy and cradled her in her arms. “I’m not okay, am I? But I’ll be okay. Someday.”

Fluttershy put Cherub on the ground and stood up. “I’ll visit again sooner next time. I love you, Sky.”

Fluttershy started walking, and Cherub ran along beside her. They walked side by side to the car, where Fluttershy had to help the little dog inside. She took one last look in the direction of the grave and smiled. “I’ll be okay, Sky. Someday, I’ll be okay.”
> Coda
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

⠀



⠀
Dear Sunny,

So much has happened since you left for Equestria. I guess I told you some of it when you stopped in. I’m sorry for how I acted to you. I know you were trying to make amends, and I should’ve acted better towards you. But it needs to be said, what you did hurt me. Showing up unannounced, with your wives, especially with the other Fluttershy. I’m happy you found a good relationship, really I am, but I wasn’t ready to see that without at least a little forewarning.

I’d like to say that if you had called ahead, I would have agreed to see you and things would have been better. I don’t know that for sure, though. Maybe I would have refused. But if anything is ever going to be okay between us, you have to learn to respect my choices that you don’t agree with.

My therapist is helping me realize I’m not actually very good at things happening unexpectedly to me. After Stormy Skies, and after losing Sky, I just can’t deal with surprises. And that’s not your fault, but I want you to know that’s part of why I acted the way I did.

What I told you about trying to kill myself was true, but it didn’t have anything to do with you. It was because of some other stuff. I had a girlfriend leave me without warning one day, and then Rainbow and the band wanted me to leave the tour to focus on my mental health. They meant well, but… like I said, I’m not good at surprises. It felt like I didn’t have a life anymore if I didn’t have the band.

I don’t mean to vent my problems to you of all people, though. I just wanted to explain to you that the blame I put on you was me being a petty bitch and trying to hurt you. I’m… not a good person anymore, Sunny. I’m trying to be a good person again, that’s why I’m writing this letter, but I have a ways to go before I can feel like a good person again.

You know what’s funny? I got my own apartment, and the whole time I kept thinking of you. And not anything about us getting a place together like we wanted to back in the day, but how you’d be able to make that whole process so much easier. You would just know what to do, what questions to ask. You’d take charge, and everything would be okay.

I think that was the first time I really missed you as a friend. I’ve missed you as a lover a lot, and some of that had more to do with me than with you. But that day, I remember just thinking that I wanted my friend back.

But I’m not ready yet. I’m sorry, I know you wanted to become friends again, and maybe someday we can. But I want to be in a better place before we do that. I hope you understand.

That’s why I decided to write this letter. I wanted you to know these things, but I can’t say them to you yet. I was just going to tell Applejack to tell you, but that felt wrong. I wanted you to hear it from me. I thought about writing to you in the journal, but I was afraid you’d write back before I could finish, and then I’d have to actually have a conversation with you.

I sounded like a bitch there, didn’t I? Sorry. But that’s something that you need to know. If we’re ever going to be friends again, and I’m not sure if I can ever get to the point where I’m ready for that, but if we are, I need this time to myself. I know you moved on, but I still haven’t. So please, don’t try to get back in touch with me. Don’t write back, don’t try to talk to me through Applejack, and for fuck’s sake don’t show up unannounced.

But things aren’t all bad. I’m spending a lot of time with my friend Lemon Zest. She’s the drummer of Bitchette, you met her a few times. We’re not dating, she’s not interested in that, but she stays the night sometimes and it’s nice. She’s helping me realize that what I liked about casual sex wasn’t the sex at all, it was just having someone to hold onto.

Everyone tells me to get a girlfriend, but I’m afraid. I’ve been burned too many times, it’s easier to just keep things casual and not get invested. But I met a girl on the night that you came and visited me, and I realized I hurt her without ever knowing it. I don’t think that was my fault, really. I was clear that we weren’t in a relationship, that we were just having fun. But then I learned I was the only one having fun, and it felt really bad.

So I don’t know. I’m still hooking up with people, but a little less often than before. I’m also being more upfront about what they can expect from me. I’ve finally grown up a little bit, I stay safe during sex now, and I make sure I don’t hurt anyone if I can help it. Maybe someday I’ll find a girlfriend, but for right now, I’m just kind of floating through life.

Let’s see… I’m not just a manager or producer anymore. I started a side project with Rainbow and we got Pinkie to drum on it. Rainbow and I both play whatever instruments we need to for it, and every song is a duet, though not like in a singing about each other kind of way. It’s actually all from my perspective, since I write all the lyrics, but sometimes it’s easier to let Rainbow be my voice.

The band’s called Coda, and I actually named the band after us. Well, not just us. Our first album is mostly about you, Sky, religion, sex, alcoholism, all that stuff that was going through my head. It was supposed to be my coda to all that. A line in the sand, the end of that part of my life, and I could be reborn as something new once that album was made.

It was therapeutic, but it was also kind of dumb of me. There isn’t a ‘part of my life’, life doesn’t have parts. It’s not a song on an album that I can just write a coda to and be done with it. All that stuff… it still matters to me a lot. Maybe it always will. My therapist is helping me see that we don’t get to choose when we’ve moved on past something.

Sorry, I’m rambling. Anyway, I guess that’s me. I’m in therapy now, I’m on a new medication that helps with the suicidal thoughts more, I have my own apartment, I have a car – oh, right, I didn’t mention that. I’m driving again. It took four years, but I finally got my driver’s license and a car of my own. I was a little afraid of it at first, but now it’s helping me feel better. Plus I have a dog now, so it’s been good for bringing her out to the dog park and the beach.

I can’t believe I went all these years without an animal. Everything feels so much better with Cherub around. She gets excited when I come home, and that’s exactly what I needed in my life.

I ask Applejack about you, you know. She tells me what’s going on with you all. I know that the news about the marriage didn’t go over too well, but I’m sure you’ll find some way to make that work. If anyone can, it’s you. That’s just what you do, Sunny. You make things okay.

Maybe someday I can do the same, and make things okay for us. I’m trying, Sunny. I’m trying, so just give me a little bit of time.

I really am happy for you. It didn’t seem like it at the concert, I know. But I am. I’m glad things are working out well for you, and I hope they continue to look up. Maybe I’ll write to you again after the next tour cycle. Maybe I’ll even be able to do more than write then.

Take care of yourself, Sunny.