Colosseum Queen
“You know it's been some time since a pony has challenged me to a duel,” Luna exclaimed as she stood proudly in the center of the arena, a smile on her face. “They usually hear about my one thousand three hundred and twenty six consecutive victories and think better of it.”
Rarity came to a stop a dozen feet away, the unicorn raising her head proudly. “Yes well, somethings are worth fighting for.”
“Oh?” Luna teased, smirking down at the mortal mare. “You do know you are hopelessly outmatched don't you?”
Rarity scoffed. “It is you who is outmatched! You ruffian!”
“Ruffian?” Luna questioned, a curious look crossing her face as the thousand strong crowd sitting in the stands grew silent. “I will have you know that I am no mere brigand. I am a princess of Equestria!”
The crowd oohed and collectively turned to Rarity, waiting patiently for her response.
“You also think that keeping those absolutely dreadful uniforms is a good idea, thus you are little more than a ruffian!” Rarity countered, jabbing a hoof at the other mare.
Who blinked as the crowd remained silent, evidently as confused as the alicorn herself was.
“What are you talking about?” Luna asked.
“You denied my request to have the equestrian armed forces ditch those frankly ludicrous uniforms!” Rarity shouted back. “Anyone who thinks that orange, blue and red stripes work together is a fool, and if I’m speaking frankly, a buffoon!”
“Oh snap!” Someone yelled.
Luna rolled her eyes. “It's traditional! To get rid of the uniform would be to get rid of a part of history!”
“Yeah!” Shouted another voice.
Rarity sighed. “I’m not asking you to burn them all, though that would be the preferred outcome in my opinion. I’m simply saying that we put them in museums.”
Luna’s snout scrunched up in disgust. “Then we are at an impasse.”
“Shall we proceed to the combat then?” Rarity offered.
Luna nodded. “We shall.”
As if waiting for that exact moment, a white furred and black maned pegasus glided down between the two ponies. “As the challenger, Rarity has the right to select what manner of weapon you both shall use. Do you have one in mind?” She asked, turning to the fashionista.
“I do indeed,” Rarity exclaimed.
Luna grinned. “Let me guess, is it the fencing sword? Or perhaps the rapier? You look the type to prefer something more dexterous.”
“Neither,” Rarity replied.
The alicorn raised an eyebrow. “Perhaps a flail then, or maybe the ever noble long sword.”
“Too garish,” Rarity retorted, sticking out her tongue in disgust.
“Warhammer?”
“Too heavy.”
“Axe?”
“Too barbarous.”
“Quarterstaff?”
“More like quarter useless.”
Luna sighed. “I could go on, but I feel like it's not something I would guess. Unless it's one of those new fangled pistols I’ve heard so much about?”
“Far too loud, and far too smelly,” Rarity replied in a disgusted tone.
“Then what weapon shall we use to try and kill one another with?” Luna demanded.
“The sewing machine,” Rarity stated evenely.
“You heard her, bring out the sewing machines!” Shouted the pegasus mare.
A second later and four more winged ponies descended from seemingly nowhere, two of which held sewing machines while the others held tables. They all had various supplies with them as well, which they quickly set out after everything had been set up. Luna however, didn't notice any of this, as she was holding the sewing machine in her open hoof, weighing it.
“Hmm, this has a good weight to it. It wouldn't be difficult to crack a skull with the right swing,” Luna remarked, giving the machine a few test swings.
“And why would you ever do something so dreadful as that?” Rarity countered as she fed thread into the machine.
Luna blinked. “Because we are fighting one another to the death of course.”
“We are doing no such thing,” Rarity retorted, the mare seating herself before the sewing machine.
“But this is a duel!” Luna shouted.
“This is a fashion duel. One which I am ready for miss referee,” Rarity exclaimed, hooves hovering over her machine.
“That's not fair! I wanted to kill something!” whined the alicorn.
“Actually it's perfectly fair,” countered the pegasus mare. “For not only does the challenger get to pick the weapon, but also what manner of combat you both will be participating in.”
Luna frowned. “Is it too late to back out?”
The crowd immediately began to boo the alicorn and the pegasus merely raised an eyebrow expectantly.
“Yeah yeah, I’ll stick with it. I guess I already agreed to be here anyway,” Luna muttered bitterly.
“Excellent, now we shall each produce the desired uniform and the audience shall judge which is better,” Rarity finished.
“Boo, go back to bashing each other’s heads in!” Shouted a pony, who was quickly smacked upside the head.
“Ahem, now then are you ready?” Asked the pegasus mare.
Both ponies nodded, though Luna only did so after hastily getting her machine in working order.
“Excellent, on your marks, get set. Go!”
“And thats time!” Shouted the referee who clopped a hoof against the ground. “Turn off your machines and prepare to face judgement!’
“Wait, just hold on a second!” Luna pleaded.
“Princess, do not make me come over there and unplug your sewing machine,” warned the pegasus.
Luna grumbled, but reluctantly followed through, turning off the device and pulling her creation free. “Fine, but I still say that twenty minutes was not enough time,” Luna muttered.
“We may not be on the air, but we still have a time slot to fit in,” retorted the pegasus before clearing her throat. “Now then Rarity. As the challenger you will show off your creation first.”
“With pleasure,” Rarity replied, lifting a camouflage uniform up for all to see. “As you can see my uniform is suitable for most situations with many features our fighting mares would appreciate.”
She lifted the uniform higher into the air, spinning it slowly so all could see. “Made from a rugged material and lined with a softer interior layer, this uniform will provide excellent protection from the elements. While at the same time allowing the soldier wearing it to stay dry and comfortable for hours or even days if necessary.”
Out the corner of her eye, Rarity noticed that her adversary was beginning to sweat.
“Though not the most stylish of outfits, it has a certain rugged charm to it,” Rarity continued. “And with several pockets, a spot to display the rank as well as the name of the soldier it is all quite functional as well as serving as decent camouflage.”
The referee pegasus stepped back in while the crowd remained relatively quiet though there were still numerous hushed conversations occurring in the background.
“That certainly was more utilitarian then I expected, what do you think folks?” Asked the referee pony.
The crowd collectively shrugged, though a few more enthusiastic participants yelled their agreement heartily.
“And now Luna, if you may,” invited the pegasus.
The princess gulped, and lifted a rather ragged, poofy and bright colored uniform for all to see. Unlike Rarity’s uniform, Luna’s stitching was rarely straight but not only that but the legs were different lengths, and there was even a second neck hole. In addition it only had three legs to it, with the last one being a simple hole.
“As you can see my uniform is much more traditional,” Luna began, her confidence already waning.
“Why does it not have a fourth leg?” Rarity questioned.
“I er, ran out of time,” Luna admitted.
“And the extra head hole?” Rarity continued.
“Was going to be the last leg, but I screwed it up,” Luna murmured, growing quieter with each word.
“Is that all you have to say about your creation?” Questioned the referee.
Luna breathed deep and puffed out her chest. “No my good pegasus. My opponent may be a better sewer then I, but that is not the point!”
“I’m pretty sure it is!” Shouted someone from the stands.
“Shut up you!” Luna bellowed before clearing her throat. “As I was saying. When you vote, remember that Rarity’s design is an attack on our values, of our heritage! Don't abandon what made Equestria the best place to live!”
Only a single pony cheered, and Luna shrunk back down.
The referee cleared her throat and stepped forward. “Now then. Stand up in your seat when I raise the design you like the most. Ready?”
After a second of silence, the pegasus lifted Rarity’s, which nearly the entire stadium rose alongside of.
“Well that's about as clear as we can get, but just for posterity lets try the other,” continued the mare, who lifted Luna’s.
The princess flashed her biggest winning smile, but despite her best efforts everyone returned to their seats.
“Huh no one wanted that one eh? That's too bad, the winner is-”
“Wait, that guy likes it!” Luna shouted, pointing to a single overweight white coated unicorn that was standing up. “You think mine is better, right?”
“Hell yeah!” He shouted. “It's tradition, you can't change that!”
“See, that guy gets it!” Luna claimed.
Rarity cleared her throat. “And do you, my good stallion, think that tradition should trump all else?”
“Of course! It's what made this country great, and if we hadn't let in all those undesirables in we would still be great!” He shouted back.
Luna blinked. “Undesirables?”
The unicorn nodded eagerly. “Hell yeah! This country was built by unicorns and it should be ruled by us too!”
"I ain't touching that one with a ten-foot pole," Luna remarked before sighing and buried her face in her hooves. “I give up, you win.”
“I knew you would see reason eventually,” Rarity claimed.
“Next time I’m reading the fine print,” Luna muttered bitterly.