A Well-Armed Crook
Octavia tugged awkwardly at yet another box in the guest bedroom's closet. Finally after several attempts she managed to free the brown cube… bringing with it a billowing cloud of dust. The gray earth pony sneezed and rubbed her nose, frowning in annoyance. Ugh. Her nostrils were already streaming from previous dust explosions, and now this.
Who was to blame for this torturous labor? Vinyl Scratch, of course. Octavia had been pleasantly surprised when the normally irresponsible unicorn had suggested that they get ahead of the Spring cleaning by doing some mid-Winter cleaning today. Now the irritated cellist could hear Vinyl working downstairs, humming a melody that she was beat-boxing and dub-stepping into unrecognizability. Well at least somepony was having fun as her gullible earth pony marefriend struggled to drag down box after box out of every conceivable storage place in search of future yard sale fodder.
That was another sign that Octavia had been had, now that she thought about it. With the close press of neighboring buildings around the two musicians’ little brownstone in the middle of one of Canterlot’s moderately fashionable districts, there was not a yard to be seen. A yard sale was, in point of fact, a complete impossibility.
All these clues led to one inevitable conclusion: this was definitely Vinyl’s fault. Clearly this was all some devious plan to send Octavia digging through the couple's overstuffed apartment like some urban treasure hunter for the DJ’s secret amusement .
In all honesty, Octavia knew that the current state of affairs was at least partially her own fault. Vinyl had simply suggested a quick effort to tidy things after being forced to spend several hours looking for a record she’d wanted to use for one of her awful ‘re-imagined’ pieces. It had been left to Octavia to suggest that perhaps finding what they wanted would be much easier if there weren’t so many unnecessary things filling up all the storage.
“But digging through things is half the fun!” Vinyl had protested.
The objection had left Octavia shaking her dark maned head in amazement. “Surely you jest… Didn’t I just hear you moaning about exactly that for the better part of an hour?”
“Hah! You’re forgetting my motto: ‘Carp diem. Complain about the day!’” The DJ had grinned cheekily when her marefriend groaned.
Regardless, here Octavia was. She sighed, and the gust of air from her mouth sent up a new swirl of dust. “Confound you, Vinyl… You drive me to—ah… AHHH… ACHOO!”
After recovering from her latest practically fatal sneeze, Octavia finally managed to get the box into the room proper. She stared down at it through streaming eyes wiped her muzzle again. Unlabeled. Of course. Would it have killed the silly unicorn actually to mark any of her boxes? It wouldn't even need the date when it was packed or anything, just, oh, for instance, WHAT WAS IN THE BOX. Sighing, Octavia grasped the tape firmly between her teeth and tugged at it until the lid came open. Feeling vaguely as though she was delving into an ancient crypt, the cellist-turned-archeologist peered at the brown container’s contents.
From the weight, Octavia had almost expected books. That would have been a pleasant surprise considering Vinyl’s usual thoughts on reading—but what the earth pony had, ahem, un-earthed was perfectly in line with what she knew about her marefriend. How typical.
The drab cardboard sarcophagus was filled with colorful treasures all right, but they were no pharoah's hoard. Instead, the box practically bulged with uncountable garish comic books-- and not even good ones. Ugh, Flank Miller's later work. And there was an issue by... what was his name? Cornfield? Cob Cornfield? What a hack—his drawing was worse than his writing, and that was saying something. Apparently Vinyl’s lack of refinement colored her reading habits just as much as it did everything else. The cellist sighed. “Really, Vinyl…”
“Well, at least this is something somepony might enjoy…” Octavia reasoned to herself. This was going well. Why, who knew? Perhaps with another few hours of effort she could be completely covered in grime and have doubled her current haul of… one box of comic books. And Vinyl had said she was wasting her time. Heh. Take that, Vinyl Scratch! This was definitely going in the ‘win’ column… not that Octavia would ever admit to keeping track of such things, of course. Which might or might not have had something to do with how far the earth pony’s tally lagged behind Vinyl’s massive score.
Still rubbing her streaming nose, Octavia started to push the box off to the side and make room for yet more excavation… but something glittering in the box caught her eye. She paused. Could it be..? It was! How had Vinyl’s plebian sense of taste ever prompted her to acquire this… this masterwork of the artform?
The chromed cover of a special edition The Amazing Spider-Mare Issue #114, glittered in the sunlight streaming in through the guest bedroom’s window. Octavia moved with agonizing care as she removed it from the box. It was still in its plastic sleeve, although a slight touch of wear at the corners showed that it was hardly describable as ‘mint condition.’ The gray mare found herself glancing around the room as though to make sure she wasn’t being watched. When the cellist had assured herself that she was alone and unobserved, she carefully carried the plastic-shrouded comic book to the guestroom bed and flopped down on the comfortable mattress. Perhaps now would be a good time for a few minutes’ break from her efforts.
Octavia was a sophisticated pony, with sophisticated tastes. It was obvious from the way she spoke, the way she carried herself… it was as though good manners and proper behavior were engraved right into her very soul. That much was certainly true. But nevertheless the earth pony felt the wonderful thrill of nostalgia as she slid The Amazing Spider-Mare from its protective sleeve and carefully edged open the cover. Of all her memories of her foalhood, the monthly trip to one of Canterlot’s comic book shops ranked high. Not unreasonably high, of course. Fighting down the urge to grin, Octavia began to read.
All was silent in the guest bedroom save for the turning of pages. Octavia read on, stretched out on the soft mattress in the warmth of the midday sun. She turned another page and struggled not to yawn. She blinked blearily. Perhaps she had exerted herself more than she thought. At this rate… she might… want to take… a…
Moments later, Octavia’s demure pianissimo snores were ruffling the pages of the coveted comic book. Dead to the world, the cellist slept.
* * *
Hooves rang on the polished marble floors of the First Royal Bank of Canterlot. It was early afternoon and, as usual, the bank was bustling. Unicorns, pegasi, and even a few earth ponies all crowded around the long mahogany desks or queued behind padded velvet ropes, participating in the quiet organized chaos that was the financial lifeblood of the city.
Few banks could boast the sheer number of clients as the First Royal Bank. For pockets deep or shallow, it was the place to house one's bits. Here, an aristocratic green-maned unicorn dressed in his casual silk shirt and waistcoat queued with only the slightest sign of displeasure next to a lower-class earth pony who was obviously uncomfortable in what must have been a rental suit. There, a reserved gray earth pony nodded to one of the bank's guards before walking to a desk where she filled out a withdrawal slip with great care.
The First Royal Bank was an ancient and honorable institution, long famed both for the treasures held within its vaults and for the merciless and untiring lengths to which the bank was willing to go to defend its clients' savings. The bank's patrons could rest assured-- so said the brochures-- that their money and valuables were as safe in the First Royal Bank's vaults as if Princess Celestia herself watched over them. No criminal would dare put his head into the manticore's mouth by braving the Royal Bank's security.
Perhaps this was why the security guards were not as attentive as they should have been. The golden-armored unicorns and pegasi, their uniforms intentionally reminiscent of Celestia's royal guard, stood rigidly at attention and watched the various bank patrons trot by. They looked quite impressive. Unfortunately, looking impressive was not the same thing as taking note while several dark-cloaked ponies spread out through the bank's main hall. The stallions moved purposefully-- far too intent on getting to certain pre-planned points in the room simply to be businessponies in a hurry.
The quiet gray earth pony watched the proceedings from behind smoked glass lenses and sighed, shifting from hoof to hoof in barely restrained impatience. She could see the signs and could guess what was coming. Nevertheless, she queued up and waited. If she guessed right, nothing would happen for the next few minutes at least. The dark-cloaked males-- obviously would-be bank robbers-- kept looking at each other, trying to synchronize their efforts. Amateurs.
Perhaps five minutes later, the gray mare reached the front of the line and walked unhurriedly to a professionally friendly bank teller in a well-tailored frock coat. His smile wavered a bit when he caught sight of the mare's clothing-- clearly this was not a mare of means. Still, it was obvious she had at least made at least some effort with her appearance; her mane and fur were well groomed and she wore a fetching lavender bow tie. The teller estimated that she was worth about... ehh... maybe level three courtesy: polite but cold. He nodded to her with a slight smile. "Hello. How may the First Royal Bank serve you today?"
The mare nodded to the teller and pushed forward her withdrawal slip. "Hello, sir... I would like to make a withdrawal--"
"I'd like to make a withdrawal too, sir," growled an ominous voice behind the earth pony's left ear. The metallic click and strained whining of twisted leather that followed told the listening mare two things. One, the robber was armed with a crossbow. Two, he'd just released the safety catch.
"ALL RIGHT!" one of the other robbers, brandishing a suddenly-revealed crossbow in his glowing magical grasp. "EVERYPONY DOWN! This is a bank robbery!"
That's right, the gray mare thought with a sigh. Let everypony know what's going on instead of coming in quietly, getting what you want from a single, terrified teller, and absconding before the bank's silent alarm system brought the royal guards. A quiet, successful bank robbery where nopony gets hurt and the bank hushes it up to avoid having their reputation ruined? How boring. How simple. How… intelligent. Some criminals were such idiots, but--
Cold, sharp metal poked gently into the side of the mare's head as a bank robber jabbed his crossbow at her. The big unicorn had been the first one to take action and the first one to reveal himself-- he must have been the leader. He snarled threats at an unseen guard-- probably one of the two by the door had been going for an alarm. "I see you over there, you stupid rent-a-guard. Why don't you just trot right back to where you were standing and stay riiiiight there."
"Jeeves here can fill up my partners' bags with as many bits as we can carry, and then we'll be out of the manes of all you fine fillies and gentlecolts. As you can see, if anypony tries making a move, he'll be making one… huge..." the lead robber grinned, leaving his threat hanging in the air as he let his crossbow shift just that little bit closer to the spectacled gray mare.
"...mistake," the hostage finished for her captor.
"Right," the robber agreed. "Let's go with that."
"Hah, you foal... the mistake is yours," hissed the earth pony.
The lead robber had been smirking as he surveyed the room. Now, the blue-furred unicorn glared at his overly talkative hostage. All eyes in the bank were on the dark-cloaked criminal and his poor female victim. He leaned close to the gray mare's face, ruffling her dark mane with one insouciant hoof. The crossbow lowered, the dull metal of its bolt biting into the female's flesh through her dress. "Come again, filly? You may want to rethink that. Last time I checked, between you and me, I'm the only one who's armed, here..."
"No... you aren't," the hostage whispered, smiling faintly. Everything in the bank-- even the dust motes in the air-- seemed to slow down. The blue unicorn's smirk was turning down at the edges, turning into an angry snarl. This hostage was clearly too much trouble-- he was going to pull the trigger and get a new one.
Faster than thought, the mare's dress exploded into rags. Golden rays from the afternoon sun glittered off the chromed metal segments of four long metal appendages as they whipped out of the gray earth pony's back. One shining tentacle snatched the sturdy crossbow from its shocked owner and crushed it into splinters before the unicorn could fire the weapon. Another tentacle whipped around the lead robber's legs, neatly hogtying him and whipping the terrified pony into the air in one fluid motion. He dangled for a moment in the mare's cybernetic grasp, moaning in fear.
"Luna's starry flank!" a shocked robber swore. He wheeled, desperately firing his crossbow. The bolt shattered on powerful silvered coils as one of the lightning-fast metal arms swung up to block it. As a return shot, the gray mare flung the blue unicorn at his accomplice. The two criminals went down with groans of pain.
The former hostage spun to look as one of her metallic limbs sent a second crossbow bolt into the ceiling, but the criminal who had fired it was already running for the exit. Just like that, the bank's marble hall was empty save for the incredulous bank employees, astonished patrons... and the strangely equipped, completely calm gray mare.
Allowing a slight smile to creep across her muzzle, the multi-limbed mare turned back to the bank teller. Her metallic arms slowly retracted into her body as she read the teller's nameplate. "Now then, Mr... Counter?"
"B-bean Counter-- er, Ma'am. Mr. Bean Counter at y-y-your service. Er... forgive me, let me collect myself for a moment." The bank teller's voice quavered a bit as he spoke. He hadn't moved a muscle through the entire horrible robbery attempt.
The heroine of the hour nodded. "Of course, my good stallion. Take your time. I'm in no real hurry."
"T-thank you... That's amazing, Ma'am. You saved us all! Er... let me read your bank slip, here." Bean Counter fumbled for the withdrawal slip, not even thinking to use his magic as he scrabbled at it with his hooves. It had all happened so fast! How could anypony move like that? Clearly this was a customer who deserved at least level five courtesy. Maybe even a seven-- and the only other seven that Bean had ever helped was Prince Blueblood. Ugh.
"Oh, it was nothing... I don't want anyone robbing a bank in my city... Not until I've robbed it first…" Shrugging, the gray mare favored her teller with a slight smile.
Bean Counter ignored the tasteless witticism. Any customer who had just saved the First Royal Bank such an embarrassment as being robbed in broad daylight could be afforded a little slack. "Hahaha... Very droll, Ma'am... Um..."
"It's Doctor if you please, Mr. Counter," the mare corrected lightly. Her metallic arms had retracted, but now they were beginning to slide out again. They weaved through the air, moving sinuously. Bean didn't like the way one of the tentacles seemed to be looking at him.
That was… odd. Bean Counter held up the withdrawal slip for his customer to read. "Er... Doctor? You seem to have forgotten a few things on your withdrawal slip. It has your name here... but there's no account number, and the total just says 'Everything.'"
"Well, of course. Did you read my name, Mr. Counter?" The mare's tentacles weaved slowly behind her, spooling out and seeming to fill the air with languidly shifting, impossibly flexible metal.
"It- uh- it says, 'Doctor Octavia Philharmonica...'" The name rang a silent alarm bell in Bean Counter's shock-dulled mind. Wait. Wasn't that the name of..? His gaze drifted to the small 'wanted' snapshots next to his workstation. Yes. There she was… Right at the top of the chart, next to the Green Gryphon and Sandmare. Oh. Oh dear.
The black lenses of "Dr. Philharmonica's" glasses made her eyes look like two black pits as her muzzle parted in a leering smile. Well, thanks to those foals with their dark cloaks and complete lack of competent planning, she'd had to reveal herself. The authorities were already on their way, no doubt... so she might as well have some fun with it. Quiet, professional robberies could wait until the next bank. "Oh, my mistake. I should have written... DOCTOR OCTAVE!"
Bean Counter screamed in terror and dove under the dark, polished wood of the bank's service window as the supervillain loomed above him, lifted higher than the tallest of ponies on two of her long metal arms. She wheeled, lashing out and slamming two guards against marble pillars halfway across the hall. Doctor Octave laughed maniacally and turned back to the cowering teller. The cold iron grip of one tentacle wrapped around Bean, snatching the waistcoated pony into the air and dangling him menacingly above the hard and unforgiving marble floor. "Now then... Like my unsuccessful competitor said... 'Everypony down. This is a bank rob--' What!?"
Doctor Octave's lightning reflexes jerked her out of the way just in time as a sizzling bolt of purple energy crackled past her head and melted part of the wall. At the door to the bank stood a lone unicorn, her electric blue mane whipping in the breeze blowing in from the abruptly opened doors. The supervillain’s muzzle drew back in a snarl of disgust. "You. Clopping Mare, or something..."
"That's VYCL0PZ to you, Doc Octy," the unicorn called, raising one hoof to the side of her large purple glasses. "Now put your hooves-- and arms—up, and put that pony down. I'm looking right at you."
Wind rustled through Doctor Octave's dark, well-kept mane and ruffled Vycl0pz' spiky blue locks. The cybernetic earth pony slowly lowered her moaning hostage toward the floor... then paused. Octave's voice was almost conversational, as if discussing the weather with an old friend. "You know, Vycl0pz, you shouldn’t have missed with your first shot..."
"You mean my warning shot? You won't get another..." Light glinted off the white unicorn's glasses as she adjusted them threateningly.
Doctor Octave's slight smile quickly twisted into a scowl. The tentacle holding Bean Counter flicked, rocketing the horrified pony into the air. In an instant the gray earth pony was beside her victim, thrown skyward by the immense strength of her robotic arms... but while Bean Counter's velocity slowed as gravity tugged insistently on his flailing body, the supervillain's speed did not slow at all. She crashed through the skylight above and was gone, her robotic arms dragging her onto the roof and out of sight.
With the unbreakable grasp of physics pulling Bean Counter towards his splashy demise, he closed his eyes. If only he'd said something to Ivory Abacus over in Loans... Told her how he felt. Far too late now. Now all he could do was scream through his fall and wait until the--
A bright flash of magic brought Bean Counter up just short of the gray-streaked white expanse of marble floor. He blinked, then looked up into the grinning face and large, purple goggles. Her voice was ragged with the effort she'd expended arresting his fall. "Are... you all right?"
"I... It... Yes-- ooof!" Bean Counter grunted as he was unceremoniously dropped, plummeting the last few inches to knock his jaw hard on the floor. His second savior of the day galloped back out the door, leaving the dazed Bean to stare at the two linked eighth notes on her receding flank. The bank teller sighed happily... and fainted.
* * *
A pegasus statue tumbled through the air, looking for all the world like an out-of-control version of the pony it depicted-- until it crashed unceremoniously into the gray stone edifice on the opposite end of the rooftop. Doctor Octave watched for signs that her pursuer was still among the living. Unfortunately, she was.
The annoying superhero emerged from the dust cloud left by the thrown debris and raised her eyeglasses, firing off twin beams of destructive amethyst energy. The gray-furred doctor barely dodged out of the way, wincing at the transmitted pain from the seared edge of one of her robotic arms. Vycl0pz was getting serious, now.
"Why do you keep vexing me so, Vycl0pz!?" Doctor Octave called at her nemisis as she sent a rapid-fire hail of masonry bricks in the unicorn's direction. "You're a musician too-- surely you understand the drive to create!"
Vycl0pz dodged some bricks and blasted others to dust with her eye-beams, finally landing again on all fours and gasping for air as she tried to catch her breath. Doctor Octave was fighting hard—harder than usual. Still, the supherhero knew she had an advantage over her excitable opponent. If she could just keep the Doc talking... "I haven't seen you do anything but destroy, Octy! It's too bad, I thought your early work was brilliant!"
"'Was?' 'WAS!? I AM brilliant! Too brilliant for your petty morality!" Doctor Octave waved her hooves emphatically, enamored with her own twisted genius as her cybernetic limbs kept a steady stream of suppressing fire. Debris peppered Vycl0pz, forcing the mare to spend all her efforts just to dodge or destroy the incoming missiles.
The white-furred took a deep breath and smirked cheekily at her opponent. Time to play this tune through to the end. "Give it up, Octy... or else."
"Stop CALLING me that! My name. Is. DOCTOR! OCTAVE!" The gray earth pony stomping one hoof emphatically. In her anger, all her will went into illustrating her rage-- and the movements of the tentacles followed suit. Vycl0pz grinned and started to lift her glasses. The Doc was wide open.
Doctor Octave realized her mistake as soon as she saw her opponent's glasses start to shift. No! It wouldn't end like this. Fear and adrenaline gave the earth pony even more speed than was her wont. She bunched flesh and metal limbs alike and leaped upward, barely avoiding the potent energy beam as it scythed through the air—slicing into a tall tower on an adjacent rooftop.
"No!" Vycl0pz cried out in horror. Her glasses slammed back down over her eyes to cut off the beam, but it was already too late. Like a great tree that has felt one too many blows of the ax, the imposing stone cylinder began to tilt. With the fires of fatigue burning through her muscles, the blue-haired unicorn raced towards the rooftop. Her horn was already glowing with energy as she raced past Doctor Octave, heedless of the earth pony's writhing tentacle-arms.
Reaching the edge of the roof, Vycl0pz groaned. She could see it clearly, as if it was frozen in a photograph for all time. There was the tower. A few stones were plummeting already from the face of the tower, serving as harbingers to its crushing fall. Ponies on the street below were already rushing for cover. Most would make it-- except for one. A single horrified young pegasus looked up, mouth open in mute shock as she stood rooted to the cobblestones. The little filly was directly under the shadow of the precariously tilting structure.
Magic flared from Vycl0pz' horn. In an instant she was next to the petrified filly. Her horn glowed again-- and cut off. The unicorn strained, but only faint sparks came out. She'd been using her magic too freely. It would take time to recharge... and time was exactly what she didn't have. The superhero could already hear the basso rumble of the tower as it continued to tilt, lurching towards its inevitable fall. When it finished tipping and hit the ground, it would crush both the little pegasus and her would-be rescuer into one thin red wet patch on the pavement—and there wasn’t time to run.
Straining herself to the utmost, Vycl0pz tried again. With blood streaming from her eyes and nose, she managed to get her horn to flare with new energy. There wasn't enough to teleport them both, but perhaps she could-- she could-- was the leaning tower stopping?!
Metallic twanging filled the air, sounding like the straining of cables under incredible tension. Vycl0pz squinted. Thin lines of silver darted through the air, wrapping around the gray mass of the tower with lightning speed. Though almost invisible against the toppling structure’s bulk, they jerked taut and began to pull, providing a counter-force to the inexorable draw of gravity. The sight would have been a fascinating one to watch, but the heroic unicorn spared it not a second glance. She scooped up the filly and sprinted out of the way, depositing the little female with a grateful pegasus mare.
By the time Vycl0pz had reached the roof of the building again, the tower was back on its base and snaking metallic arms were packing in debris to stabilize it. Doctor Octave paused in her work and speared the exhausted unicorn with a contemptuous and angry glance. Her voice came in ragged gasps as she glared. "What… are you… looking at?"
"I'm... not sure..." Vycl0pz panted.
"I suppose you're wondering… why I did it," the gray earth pony grumbled as she patted one last stone into place. "It wasn't for you. I'll happily crush you with a building any day of the week."
Vycl0pz simply wheezed, using the time to catch her breath. Doctor Octave grimaced. "...But perhaps I'd like to think I'm more than... just a well-armed crook."
"Hah. Nice one." The unicorn grinned. "Does that mean you're mending your evil ways?"
"Don't mistake my temporary whim for a change of heart, hero. You haven't seen the last of... Doctor Octave!" An explosive burst of movement send the dark haired mare over the side of the building and out of sight before Vycl0pz could react.
Although the unicorn thought about chasing her prey, somehow that didn't seem like the polite thing to do. Instead, she leaned over the side of the building and watched as the nine-limbed supervillain raced away. She contented herself with a cheery cry of, "Catch you later, Octy!"
The quickly-fading cry of annoyed rage was a victory, in and of itself. Vycl0pz sighed, shaking her head slowly. She smiled again and said, almost to herself, "Yep... Catch you later..."
* * *
"Hey, Octy!"
Octavia jolted upright, exploding out of the tranquil waters of sleep like an enraged leviathan. "Don't CALL me that, Vycl0pz! I told you, I'm DOCTOR OCT-- er..."
The gray earth pony felt her cheeks heat up with a practically incandescent blush. Vinyl grinned-- no, leered-- at her from halfway across the room. The unicorn was shaking her head in mock disapproval. "Well, well, well, Miss Philharmonica. I never thought your real reason for wanting to organize our things was to look at all my stuff!"
"I..." Octavia pushed herself up on the mattress, realizing that she still had issue #114 of The Amazing Spider-Mare between her front hooves. There was a bit of drool on it from where she'd rested her head. Despite the theoretical impossibility of such an event, her blush deepened.
Vinyl levitated the slightly soggy issue off the mattress and examined it with melodramatic care. "Oh dear, Octy... drooling on them, too. "
"I don't want to talk about it. We shall never speak of this again." Octavia climbed down from the bed, trying to salvage at least a shred of dignity from the wreckage.
Vinyl shrugged. "Sure thing!"
Well, that was a surprise... "Really, Vinyl? You're actually going to let this go?"
The DJ looked hurt that Octavia had even doubted her. "Of course! There's nothing to worry about..."
The cellist found herself smiling slightly. Well. Perhaps she was being more of a good influence on the unicorn than Vinyl was being a bad influence on her...
“‘...Doctor Octave,’" Vinyl added. Her leer was, if possible, even wider than her previous grin. Octavia sighed.