The Spaceballs movie, but with Ponies, and ludicrous speed.
A My Little Pony parody of Spaceballs, where the evil Dark Helmet plots to take all the fresh air from the planet equestria, and only a ragtag group of Ponies and a Dragon can stop them. Get ready for a story full of references, guest stars and ludicrous speed.
In a galaxy very, very, very, very far away, there lived a ruthless race of beings known as... Spaceballs
part 11
the evil leaders of Planet Spaceball, having lost their precious atmosphere due to follishly ignoring the climate change crisis, have devised a secret plan to take every breath of fresh air from their peace loving neighbor, Planet Equestria.
Today is princess Sweetie Belle's wedding day. Unbeknownst to the princess, but knownst to us, danger lurks in the stars above..
Somewhere in the far reaches of space, probably near the planet Tatooine, a menacing ship known by all as Spaceball One was making a little trip to planet Equestria. The ship was crewed by the evil spaceballs themselves, they are the most evil villains in the universe, and the Phillipine Islands. In fact, they were so evil, that they played their evil music so very loud, you could hear it from space.
And on board that ship was colonel Snails, watching the rest of the crew working at the controls, until a blue skinned human approached him, "colonel Snails." He said
"What is it Sargent Drakken.", colonel Snails replied
"You told me to let you know when planet Equestria is in sight sir."
Colonel Snails was confused by this, "so?"
"Planet Equestria is in sight sir."
This made colonel snails smile, "you're really a spaceball, you know that, don't you."
"Thank you."
"Have you notified lord helmet." Colonel snails asked.
"All rise in the presence of Dark Helmet." Colonel snails announced.
All the soldiers rose as the door opened, and in marched none other than... Dark Helmet.
This guy was feared by all, he was the toughest of the toughest, he was the evilest of the evilest, he was struggling to lift up his helmet, which he did, revealing the face of a certain little pony named Snips, "all these years and I STILL can't breathe in this thing." He said between breaths.
Colonel snails approached him with good news, "we're approaching planet Equestria sir."
"Good." Dark helmet said, "I'll call spaceball city and notify president Cozy Glow immediately."
"I already called her sir, she knows everything.", this made Dark helmet stop in his tracks, and made colonel Snail's eyes widen. Did they hear him correctly...
"What... you went over my helmet?!" He said, turning to face the unfortunate soldier. Who was feeling a little nervous.
"W-well not exactly sir, M-more to the side, I'll always call you first, I-it'l never happen again, never ever." And then, he saw it, the ring on his hoof.
It was at this moment that he knew, he bucked up.
"Oh no, N-no, no sir please, please no, not that."
Dark helmet flashed an evil grin, and lowered his helmet, "yes, that."
And then, a beam shot out from the ring, striking the poor soldier in where the sun doesn't shine, he groaned in pain, until he dropped to the ground.
Dark helmet looked up at the vast emptiness of space, as two medics took the injured man away. Confused, Dark Helmet raised his helmet, "Snails!"
"Sir!" Said colonel Snails as he stood rigid.
"I don't see planet Equestria, where is it?"
"Well, we don't have visual contact yet sir." Colonel Snails explained, "but we do have it on the radar screen, shall I punch it up for you?"
"Never mind, I'll do it myself.", he approached a screen that was nearby, but there seemed to be a small problem with the radar, "what's the matter with this thing, what's with all the churning and bubbling?" He said with confusion, "you call that a radar screen."
"No sir, we call it: Mister Coffee." Colonel Snails said, as he pointed a hoof at sign which read, MISTER COFFEE. "what happened to mister Starbucks?" Dark helmet asked in confusion.
"This is mister Starbucks sir, but we had to change the name to avoid getting sued."
As they were talking, the machine was making the titular drink, which was soon finished with a 'ding' noise coming from the machine, "would you care for some?"
"Yes, I always have coffee when I watch radar, you know that." Dark helmet said
"Of course I do sir."
"EVERYONE KNOWS THAT"
"OF COURSE WE DO SIR", shouted the soldiers as they covered their little friends in fear.
"Now that I have my coffee, I'm ready to watch radar." Dark helmet announced, "where is it."
"Right here sir." Colonel Snails led dark helmet to a nearby device with a sign reading MISTER RADAR on the screen was the Image of a little planet.
"There it is, planet equestria, and underneath the air shield 10,000 years of fresh air." Dark helmet said with determination as he sipped his coffee, "we must get through that air shield."
"And we will sir." Colonel Snails assured, "once we kidnap the princess, we can force her sister, queen Rarity, to give us the combination to the air shield, thereby destroying planet Equestria, and saving planet Spaceball."
"Everyone got that." He said to whoever's reading this.
"Good, when will the princess be married."
"Within the hour sir."
Dark helmet flashed his evil grin again, "I hope it's a long ceremony, because it's going to be a short honeymoon."
The two began to laugh maniacally, until dark Helmet started to choke, colonel Snails hit him on the back, and he immediately spat out his coffee, "hot too hot."
"This is why I always drink a diet Pepsi." Colonel snails said, facing a machine named MISTER SODA.
Not far from spaceball one, was the aforementioned planet equestria, a world that everyone would want to live in, it was considered the greatest planet in the universe, and Florida. The citizens there always walk to and from their destination, with springs in their steps and songs in their hearts.
As they were signing their song, the common folk of equestria made their way to and from the jobs they had for the day, while the rich and elite, as well as visiting dignitaries, ambassadors, presidents, and celebrity environmentalist Leonardo DiCaprio were making their way downtown walking to a little church located there, they had a good reason, for the sign out front explained it all...
FIRST INTERGALACTIC TEMPLE OF THE (REFORMED) EQUESTRIANS
TODAY
THE ROYAL WEDDING OF PRINCESS SWEETIE BELLE TO PRINCE BLUEBLOOD
TOMORROW JEOPARDY (YOU WILL BE MISSED TREBEK)
And in one of the rooms, there was the beautiful princess sweetie belle and her sister queen Rarity, as well as an usher named tucker.
"If only our parents were to see this day." Rarity said, "but then again, who'd pass up a chance to go on vacation in the Bahamas."
Tucker glanced around the room, making sure everything was prepared for the ceremony, "is everyone ready?"
Rarity nodded "yes." But sweetie belle shook her head "no, where's my bridesmaids?"
Tucker looked again, and realized that the bridesmaids weren't here, "oh dear, where's the girls?" He walked toward the door, "APPLEBLOOM! SCOOTALOO!" He noticed they were right in front of him, and dragged them inside, "where have you girls been?"
"Sorry we're late." Applebloom said, "I forgot to do my chores yesterday, so I had to rush through them to get here."
"I just didn't want to be here." Scootaloo said nonchalantly.
"Okay people it's magic time."
"Okay everypony, we're starting off on the left hoof." Rarity stepped forward to lead the group.
"Rarity that's your right hoof."
"it's too late keep going."
They stepped out into the hall, where the ceremony was taking place, it was absolutely beautiful, flowers every few inches, everyone was in their best suits and dresses, and the traditional wedding music playing on the organ.
Then again, it was Rarity's idea to hire Elton John to be the organist at the wedding.
"Rarity..."
Elton stopped when he heard sweetie belle speak, curious as to what was going on.
"Must I go through with this?"
"I'm sorry, but you have to." Rarity said with remorse.
The music began again, and the group marched again, sweetie belle was feeling uncertain about this, clearly this was not the fairy tale wedding she wanted.
"But Rarity..."
Elton let out a groan as he reluctantly stopped the music to hear what's happening this time.
"I don't love him."
"I'm sorry sweetie belle, but he was the only available prince on tinder."
They shot a glance at prince blueblood, and clearly he wasn't what all girls would expect, instead of being a strapping, good looking guy... he had bags under his eyes, appeared disinterested, and at times let out a loud yawn.
When they finally got to the end, an Irish accented priest named Ted walked up to begin the ceremony, "friends, family... mother." He turned to face an elderly woman, who was holding up a certain finger, then he began again, "we are gathered here to witness princess sweetie belle, sister of queen Rarity... going right past the altar, heading down the ramp, asking DiCaprio for his autograph, and out the door."
As he said this, sweetie belle ran past the altar, down the ramp, paused to get Leo's autograph, and ran out the door, "Stop her! Someone stop her!" Rarity cried out.
Sweetie belle ran outside, where an impala was waiting with the words 'just married' graffitied onto it, she opened the door to the driver's seat and started the engine, just as the girls came outside.
"Sweetie belle wait! You forgot to get married!" Applebloom shouted over the engine.
"What're you doing?!" Scootaloo shouted.
"No questions girls, get in."
A.B and scootaloo did as they were told, got in the passenger seats, and took off just as Rarity, the prince, and the guests ran outside.
"Sweetie belle, What're you doing?!" Rarity shouted as she watched helplessly as the impala flew off into the bright sky and out of sight.
"Come back!" Blueblood tried to shout, but he only got as far as "come ba-" before he got cut off by a yawn, while Rarity watched on with concern that her little sister would get into danger.
Somewhere far away from the peaceful planet, what appeared to be an eagle 5 winnebago made it's way through the cosmos, it's destination- unknown, and music playing loudly as it drifted through the vacuum of space.
And driving this RV ship was none other than button mash, who was asleep at the wheel. But don't worry, the ship's on autopilot.
At the back of the RV was Button's traveling companion, a dragon by the name of Spike. Who was rocking out to the music while gorging himself with a bowl full of diamonds.
At the front of the ship, Button's trip to dreamland was rudely interrupted by a noise from the Alexa that was close by, which meant someone was calling them.
Call from Bill Sykes
That made Button snap wide awake. he was calling, and he knew why, his "good friend" Bill was calling, and he could be asking for money.
Regaining his composure Button readied himself as best he could for the inevitable "where's my money" talk, and called out "SPIKE".
But Spike barely heard him, for the music almost drowned out his calls, but he did hear it a little bit, so he turned down the music to listen a little better.
"SPIKE."
Spike sighed and put down the bowl, "It's always when i'm eating." he thought to himself, he made his way to the front to see what his buddy wants this time. The sooner he wraps whatever he wants up, the quicker he can get back to eating. Though he did take a gem with him.
"I'm here." Spike said, "I was just grabbing a little snack, want one." He held out the gem to him, forgetting that ponies don't eat diamonds.
"No thanks I had a big breakfast." Button said, trying not to sound rude, and pointed to the device. "Can you answer that for me?"
Spike turned to where he was pointing and froze. Even though dragons are supposed to be tough guys, Bill was able intimidate even the most toughest dragon. His fellow dragon Ember can tell you... as soon as she was released from the hospital.
"Don't worry I'll use the Alexa over there." He said, pointing to the echo dot, "that way he won't be able to see us."
Button sighed with relief, at least he didn't have to face Bill's ugly mug.
Spike turned to the Alexa he was referring to and said "Alexa, pick up."
"Hello Button Mash."
Unfortunately, the one that picked up the call was the echo show. So Bill was able to see them quite well.
Button shot a look at Spike, who said "sorry, wrong device."
Rather than getting mad at the dragon and throwing him out into space, he sighed and thought, "might as well get this over with."
"Hello Sykes." He said, trying to sound tough, though some nervousness slipped through. "What do you want?"
"Oh no, it's not what I want... it's what HE wants."
All the confidence the boys had left them, and was replaced with horror, there was only one being Bill could possibly be referring to. The most notorious gangster in all the universe, and New York City...
"PIZZA THE HUT"
Yes, the Pizza the Hut, a being litterally made from pizza, hence the name, and Jabba's second cousin twice removed, Was the man who was facing them right now.
"well, well, well, if it isn't Button Mash and his sidekick, Tyke."
"Uh, that's Spike." The dragon said nervously.
"Spike, Tyke, whatever, where's my money?"
"Don't worry Pizza, you'll get it by next week." Button said, confident that he'll buy more time. "Just give me an address and I'll mail it there."
"'mail it there', do I look like a big, dumb, idiot."
"Well, onscreen you just look big." Spike, confident Button will weasel their way out of trouble again.
"Listen you pipsqueaks, I expect my money by tomorrow."
And all the confidence had left them again, "How are we supposed to get 100,000 spacebucks by tomorrow."
100,000? No way, you forgot late charges, press charges, and the charges on your cousin for rubbing his butt all over Space Dunkin Donuts."
The additional charges left Button confused, "So?"
"So, that brings your loan up too... 1,000,000 spacebucks."
"1,000,000!?!, But that's not fair." Button whined.
"It's unfair for the payer, but fair enough for the payee, and your gonna pay for 'it' or else."
"Or else what?" Spike asked, even though he saw the answer coming a mile away.
"Tell them Bill."
The camera shifted back to Bill, who had a smug grin on his face.
"Or else Pizza is gonna send out for you."
The four of them laughed at the little joke, even though it was supposed to be menacing and threatening, and all the while, Bill non-discreetly took a bite out of his boss.
"You taste delicious."
"Remember boys, money, tomorrow, or else."
And with that, the two loan sharks hung up, leaving the two rather scared for their lives. If they didn't pay Pizza by tomorrow night, there's no telling what he'll do to them. After all, no one out pizzas the hutts.
Back at Planet Equestria, the door for the air shield opened, letting a flying Impala get through the shield without bumping it. Whoever was in charge of the door must be stupid, because that car was a getaway vehicle for princess Sweetie Belle and her reluctant fellow escapees, Applebloom and scootaloo. With the princess listening to the music playing on her wireless headphones.
"Can we talk?" Applebloom said, breaking the silence, "Now look, we all prince Blueblood's a little iffy, but you could have married him for your sister's sake and then have a headache for the next couple of years."
"She'd certainly have it better than Al Bundy." Scootaloo added, "That dude was married... with children."
But Sweetie Belle didn't hear them, she either had noise canceling headphones on, or was choosing to ignore them.
"Will you turn that thing off." Applebloom said, but Sweetie Belle didn't hear her. Yep, definitely noise canceling headphones.
Annoyed by this, Applebloom tapped her on the shoulder, finally getting her friend's attention.
"What?", Sweetie Belle said, taking off the headphones, "What is it?"
"We're saying do you know what you've done?" Scootaloo said.
"Yes, and I'm glad." Sweetie Belle said putting the headphones back on, "Glad, glad, glad, glad, GLAD!"
A couple of miles away from planet equestria, was the titular planet spaceball. And let me tell you, it is the polar opposite of their neighbors. Crime filled the streets, the atmosphere was very horrible, and worst of all, people were constantly taking the last parking space at the store. The only thing the two planets have in common, is music, though is not as happy sounding as equestria's.
yes, planet spaceball had so much crime, it was considered the worst planet in the universe, and Gotham City.
And who's responsible for practically running the planet to the ground, only president Cozy Glow of course. After all she started it.
I know what you're thinking "how the buck did she become the president?", well you're about to find out, she's in her office on the phone right now.
"Don't be ridiculous, as president of planet spaceball, I can assure both you and the readers, that there's absolutely no air shortage whatsoever, and there's no such thing as climate change or global warming... yes I heard the same rumors myself, so thanks for calling, and not pressing the charges, goodbye."
The moment she got off the phone, she laughed alongside her bodyguards, their names were Jessie, James, and two Pokémon named Meowth, and wobbuffet, the infamous team rocket gang themselves.
President Cozy Glow managed to catch her breath and mutter "what a blockhead." that was how she became president of planet spaceball in the first place, she manipulated the press, the public, and the guy who worked for League of Endangered Animal Protectors, L.E.A.P for short, that she was who planet spaceball needed.
And as you can see, she was pretty good at it, she was able to continue being in charge, even when she was past the 2 term limit, because she knew how to be a master.
How good you may ask? Well she's taking a walk through town with Jessie, James and Meowth, so she'll tell you.
oh yeah, as you can clearly see, she relished in lies and manipulation.
And after a long hard day of lies, she sat down in her chair, looked around to see if anyone was in the room (she had team rocket go and make her some steamed hams), silently prayed team rocket wouldn't burn down the kitchen... again, and opened a hidden drawer in her desk, revealing several soda-like cans that all had the same label:
PERRI-AIR CANNED IN EQUESTRIA NATURALLY SPARKLING SALT-FREE AIR
Opening a can of the precious oxygen her planet needs, President Cozy Glow greedily inhaling the fresh air that is sorely lacking in the planet right now, if she could get her hands on Planet Equestria's air, she'd be set for life.
"President Cozy Glow!"
Startled by the sudden call, she quickly flung the can away, closed the drawer, and turned to the flat screen TV, where a cream colored cat with a appeared. "Yeah?"
"This is central control, Spaceball Commanderette Delilah speaking."
"Yes, what is it Commanderette?"
"Lord helmet has informed us that Princess Sweetie Belle is in sight, and Spaceball One is closing in on her."
That was clearly music to her ears, the princess in the line of capture is just what they needed to take Equestria's air, "excellent."
"We have both ships on the radar ma'am, if you wish to observe?"
"I'll be down immediately!" She answered, anxious to see everything fall into place.
"Shall I have Scottie beam you down Ma'am?"
President Cozy Glow froze in her tracks, she heard of "beaming" but was a little bit nervous about doing it, and it showed when she turned towards Commanderette Delilah and said "I'm not sure about that beaming stuff, is it safe?"
"Oh yes ma'am, Scottie beamed me twice last night... it was wonderful."
"Alright, I'll give it a try." She said, "after all, it worked on Star Trek."
She stepped onto the beaming platform, and readied herself as best she could.
And just like that, President Cozy Glow was in the control room... except something was off about her that someone was quick to point out, "GREAT SCOTT! What happened to her head?!?"
Delilah turned to the source of the commotion, and immediately noticed the problem, "It's on backwards!"
Hearing this, made the President panic, "This is terrible! Someone do something!"
"I'm sorry ma'am, there must've been a microconverter malfunction."
President Cozy Glow's eyes darted around the room, until they came to rest on a rather... interesting feature, "Why didn't anyone tell me my flank was so big?!"
This got a few snickers from the crew, including a certain spider demon, who snapped a picture of it.
"Hold on ma'am, we'll try to reverse the beam, it might be in the interlocking system." Scottie assured her.
He made his way to the interlocking system, to flip a few switches, while President Cozy Glow gave her flank a good scratch, "Lock One, Lock Two, Lock Three, Loch Lomond, Taylor Lock-ner."
Once everything seemed to be in order, he activated the beam.
For the past few hours, the Impala the Cutie Mark Crusaders have been driving in, drifted through space. The only time they stopped was when they needed food, or had to go to the bathroom, or to see "Out Of This World." The #1 show in all the universe, and Redshore City.
For the past few hours, Applebloom and Scootaloo tried to get Princess Sweetie Belle to go back home to Planet Equestria, but to no avail.
For the past few hours, they were oblivious to "Spaceball One" following them, waiting for the opportunity to make their move.
Dark Helmet and Colonel Snails watched intently as the Impala slowly but surely came into firing range.
"Princess Sweetie Belle's ship is in range sir." Colonel Snails said.
Even if he couldn't tell underneath the helmet, he knew his friend was smiling"good, fire a warning shot across her nose."
What was supposed to be a calm drive to nowhere was suddenly interrupted by laser blasts on the sides of the car, "What's going on?!" Cried the princess.
"It's either the 4th of July, or someone's trying to kill us!!!" Answered Applebloom.
Scootaloo shot a glance at the source of commotion, and immediately knew we were in trouble, "It's the biggest ship in the galaxy, and I think it hates us!"
Princess Sweetie Belle whipped out her phone, muttering, "I don't have to put with this, I'm rich."
"What are you doing?" Asked Applebloom.
"I'm calling my sister." Answered her friend, and proceeded to dial "1-800-EQUESTRIA" as another blast rocked the ship, although this one too close for what little comfort there was in this situation.
"Hey, hey, hey! Careful you idiot, I said across her nose, not up it!" Dark Helmet said, noticing the laser blast. He may be a bad guy, but he knows not to scratch a car, let alone one from a long running, award winning TV show.
The soldier in question turned to him, lifting her visor up, revealing her crossed eyes, "Sorry sir, I'm doing my best."
Dark Helmet could only mutter in annoyance, "Who made that guy a gunner?"
"I did sir, he's my cousin."
Turning to the voice, the two commanders saw another colonel also cross-eyed.
Confused, Dark Helmet asked "Who's he?"
Colonel Snail's answer, "He's an asshole, sir."
"Yeah, I know that, now what's her name?"
"That is his name sir: Asshole, major Hugh Asshole."
Dark Helmet was still trying to process this, "And what about his cousin?"
"She's an asshole too sir: gunners mate, first class, Phyllis Asshole."
Now this just got even more confusing, "How many assholes have we got on this ship anyhow?"
"YO!"
Looking behind him, Dark Helmet saw that basically everyone besides him and Colonel Snails had their hands up.
"I knew it, I'm literally surrounded by assholes!" He said, realizing that he was surrounded by Derpy's possibly distant relatives. Nevertheless he lowered his Helmet and said, "KEEP FIRING ASSHOLES!"
The laser blasts started as quick as it stopped. But thankfully in that brief moment, Princess Sweetie Belle managed to make the call to her sister.
"Hurry Rarity, hurry! There's laser blasts all around us!! I'm scared!!!"
Button and Spike were getting nervous, they tried everything they could to get the money they desperately needed, and they got paid peanuts. Literally, the last guy they worked for offered the millions they needed, but gave them a bag of peanuts.
"Call from Queen Rarity"
That word "Queen" had gotten their attention, a royal was calling them. But why? Button pressed the pick up button, and the image of Queen Rarity's frantic face appeared on screen.
"Button Mash, please you gotta help me. Save my sister, She's being attacked by Spaceballs!"
"Spaceballs!" Button said in shock, "Forget it, it's too dangerous! Besides, I'm already number one on Dark Helmet's hit list."
"Look your highness, it's not like we're afraid, far from it." Spike explained, "we just have this little thing about death, it's not us."
"Please! you must! I tried calling others, but the PAW patrol is out of town, the Justice League hasn't answered my calls, emails, or knocking on their front door, and the O.W.C.A organization is on leave, you're the only one's I can trust to save her. I'll give you anything! You hear me, anything!
The boy's eyes lit up. She had mentioned a key word, one that could save them from being whacked by pizza the Hutt.
"Alright, we'll do it for... a million."
A MILLION!!!
"Uh oh, you're pictures fading, we're losing connection here your highness." Spike said, reaching over to pull the plug.
ALRIGHT, alright I'll pay! Just find her, save her!"
"Alright Rarity, you got a deal." Button said
"One princess, for one million space bucks."
"And don't worry, we'll find her before riots break out about her disappearance."
"Well I wouldn't worry about that. We have the best authorities in all the universe, and Adventure Bay."
Button took out a notepad, "first off, what's she driving?"
"She's driving a 1967 Chevrolet Impala resembling the one from the show Supernatural. I bought it at a very good price. My cousin, Prince LaRusso, owns a dealership in the valley. He was very nice to me, I only had to pay him in cash."
"We get the picture, what was her last position?"
"According to the tracking app on her phone, she was going in the direction of where the planet Gallifrey used to be, and just passing Sonic's homeworld of Mobius."
"Alright, we'll find her."
"Please bring her back safely. And if you can, try and save the car."
She hung up, and the duo celebrated their salvation, "One million space bucks, we'll be able to pay off Pizza the hutt."
After making her plea to save her sister, Rarity went for a walk through the palace, she figured it would help her calm down over the situation.
As she was walking, she noticed Ted was in the kitchen having a snack. Surprised he was still here, she asked, "Father Ted, didn't you say you had something to do after the wedding?"
Ted jumped from his seat in sudden realization, "The funeral! I forgot!"
"It's alright, your friend, Father McGuire called and asked to fill in for you."
"Oh thank god." Ted said, sitting back down. Now he didn't have to worry about the funeral, thanks to his fellow-
Wait a minute...
"DOUGAL'S DOING A FUNERAL! YOU LET DOUGAL DO A FUNERAL!!!"
What was supposed to be a period of mourning, turned into a period of disaster. Funeral decorations scattered all over the place, tombstones were destroyed, and several mourners, grave diggers, and coffin dancers suffered serious injuries. And in the middle of it all, a crashed hearse was on fire.
The son of the man who's supposed to be buried was glaring angrily at Dougal McGuire, the man who stepped in as Ted's replacement, who meekly replied, "Sorry." As the hearse suddenly exploded.
Needless to say, a lot more funerals were going to be held the next day.
Fortunately the laser blasts finally stopped so the Impala could drive smoothly, unfortunately a beam of light covered the little car and pulled it towards Spaceball One.
Princess Sweetie Belle started to panic, "What’s going on? What's that glow? We're not moving!"
"Oh We're moving alright, backwards!" Scootaloo pointed out. The other two girls looked behind them and saw that they were indeed being pulled towards the giant ship.
Fortunately for the girls, help happened to show up at the just the right time.
"Look." Button said, pointing at the car, "There's our princess, and she's got compamy."
"Spaceballs! And they already got her in their magnetic beam!" Spike said, his eeyes widening with shock before suddenly shrugging, "oh well, we're too late, what a shame! I'll just throw her in reverse and we'll get out of here."
"Spike, no. Bad!" Button scolded him as he attempted to pull the reverse switch.
"Well, why do we have to risk our lives for a runaway princess!" Spike complained, "I know we need the money but-"
"Listen, we're not doing this for money- we're doing this for a buttload of money!" Button explained, and this seemed to cheer the dragon right up.
"You're right! And when you're right, you're right!" But there was just one little problem, "How are we supposed to save her though? The second we move in, they're bound to spot us on the radar!"
"Nah-uh."
"Uh-huh."
"Nah-uh."
"Uh-huh!"
"Nah-uh, not if we jam it!"
With this in mind, Spike realized they had the option to "jam" whatever they had in mind.
"You're right." He proceeded to pull down a small periscope, and when he saw the big satellite dish, he pressed a little button on the handle.
"Radar about to be... jammed!"
If one happened to be in the vicinity of Spaceball One, you'd swear you saw a giant jar of jam floating in the general direction of the ship. The jar in question shattered upon impact with the ship's satellite, spilling it's contents all over it. It may not seem damaging on the outside, but the inside was a different story.
Private Welker was watching the radar when it started acting up, making random noises and pixels started appearing on screen, and eventually static and that annoying sound from back in the day.
"Shhhhoot" private Welker said, poking his helmet for a moment before reaching for the com-link, throughout all this he made his own sound effects as that was his special talent.
sid, could I talk to you for a minute please?", he said, though his voice was a little garbled.
Nevertheless, Dark Helmet and Colonel Snails approached him, with the latter asking, "What is it?"
Private Welker tried to explain, but his voice was still garbled.
"You don't need that Private, we're right here." Colonel Snails said, grabbing the com-link and putting it back on the charger, "Now what is it."
The Private's voice was still garbled, prompting dark helmet to shove everything off the desk, "Now what is it?!"
This time, Private Welker's voice was more clearer, "I'm having trouble with the radar sir."
"What’s wrong with it?"
"Well I've lost the bleeps, I've lost the sweeps, and I've lost the creeps."
This just left the two ponies confused, "The what?"
"The what?"
"And the what?"
"You know, the bleeps.", he then made some beeping sounds, "the sweeps.", he shook his lips and cheeks to make a sort of sweeping noise, "and the creeps." And finally, some beep-boop noises.
"That's not all he's lost." Dark Helmet muttered.
Just then, Private Welker noticed something appeared on the screen, "Sir, The radar sir! It appears to be- Jammed!"
And sure enough, the substance was jam. Dark Helmet wiped a little bit off the screen and licked it, his eyes widened when he noticed it tastes like, "Raspberry!"
Hearing this made Colonel Snail's eyes widen.
"There's only one pony I know who would dare give me the Raspberry, one who prevented me from joining the Evil League Of Evil." For dramatic effect, he lowered his helmet, "BUTTON MASH!!!"
Memories started flooding back, one in particular was the day he applied for E.L.O.E. unfortunately, due to Button's constant interference, the only way he would get in was if he killed someone, and that one murder victim he chose was Button Mash.
And so his mind was made up: He was going to capture the princess, save Planet Spaceball, kill Button Mash, and finally join the Evil League Of Evil, and he was going to enjoy every second of it.
