Great Tits
“Discord, please come over here!” Fluttershy called. Her soft voice carried through the snowy air, and there was a special cheer in her voice.
“Can’t it wait? I’m in the middle of something very important,” came Discord’s garbled response as he slowly peeled his tongue away from the lamppost he had been licking.
“Please, Discord? I want you to meet some of my other friends. I promise you’ll like them.”
“Oh, fine,” he groused, unable to even savor the frosty, metallic aftertaste. “Pull a draconequus away from his extremely vital labor. It’s not like anything bad ever happened when somepony decided I was having too much fun.”
“Discord, look at my tits! Aren’t they adorable? Look at these itty bittie little titties!”
“Erm…” He whirled around faster than you could demand a chaos apocalypse with a side of cayenne pepper chips and whipped cream.
“What?” Fluttershy asked, plopping down into the snow. The two chubby birds that had been fluttering around her landed in her forehooves where she presented them to him. “Oh my gods, I can’t believe I was so impolite! Let me introduce you properly. This is Deedee, and this is her mate, Chickie. They’re a pair of lovely tits.”
“Is… is that really what they’re called?”
“Uhh, yes? Why would I have to lie about their names?” Her muzzle was crinkled with ever-so-slight frustration, the kind ponies had when they were faced with something outside of their narrow thoughts of friendship and alfalfa. At least, that’s what Discord figured the thoughts of ponies could be divided into. “Oh, dear! Did you think they were criminals?”
“No, that was hardly what I thought about your birds—”
“If that’s so, then why don’t you like my tits? They traveled a very long way to meet you!”
“Erm, really? They look a little on the plump side—”
“Well, of course! These tits are huge. Tits are actually quite sedentary, you know. They rarely fly more than a few miles from their nests.” Fluttershy proudly held aloft the two tits, who chirped pleasantly, blinking their dark eyes. There was no doubt that the two critters were enjoying their snow day with Fluttershy. “Chickie and Deedee live very close to Sweet Apple Acres. That’s a long way for these tits to fly. You should show these two lovely tits some more respect — please? They just want to see my newest friend.”
“That’s — snrk — very nice of your tits, Fluttershy.”
“I know! I’m sure that once you get to know them, you’ll be the best of pals with my tits. They’re funny and extremely, umm, what’s the word? For very fun chaos?”
“...Are you trying to tell me you have some — snrk — wacky tits?”
“Oh, of course, I am!” Leaning down, Fluttershy nuzzled the soft cheeks of the birds gently. “Few things in nature are as wacky as tits. Well, except maybe for Pinkie Pie. Here, why don’t you hold my tits?”
“Oh, ah, certainly?”
“I’m sure they will be much nicer if you’re more like you’re usual self. Goodness, you’re almost acting shy! I promise that these are some very nice tits.” She extended her forehooves, showing off the plump, feathered bodies of the two birds. “Here, be careful with Chickie. He’s a little heavier—”
“I’ve got him—” Discord’s eyes widened as the portly little bird slipped when he pulled his claw away from her outstretched hooves too soon.
“No, please be careful!” A sharp pang of fear was notable in Fluttershy’s exclamation. “Don’t poke my tits like that! See, his leg was trying to hook onto your claw?”
“Ah, yes. Don’t worry, Fluttershy.” With much more care than he was used to using, Discord used his claw to gently nudge the stray tit onto his paw, where the little animal could safely perch. “...I’ve got your tits.”
“Yay! That’s perfect! Look at how they’re snuggling up to you already. I’m sure they’ll absolutely love it if you stroke their feathers gently. Tits love attention.”
“...I’m sure they do.”
“Would you like to hear about some fascinating tit facts? It might take them a moment to adjust, since they’re very shy but—”
“Sure, sure. Tell me all about — snrk — your tits, Flutters.”
“Oh my goodness, this will be so much fun!” The pegasus spun happily in the air, doing a modest loop before landing again. “Not everypony is as excited about tits as I am. You see, they’re an incredibly fascinating subject.”
“Ah, of course. Tits are nature’s gift, after all.”
“Aren’t they just?” Fluttershy shot him her sweetest smile. “Aside from being super cuddly, tits are one of the few garden passerines to actually improvise new melodies! You know what that means, right?”
“...You’ve, uh, got some really noisy tits?
“Oh, absolutely!” Fluttershy’s wings flapped with innocent cheer before she folded them at her sides. “Discord, you should come over sometime soon to hear them. Most of the time, if you can’t immediately identify a bird’s song it means that you’re listening to the music of tits!”
“Wow…” Discord was about ready to wince from the pain that came from holding in so much laughter. “That’s… an excellent — snrk — tit fact, right there.”
“Indeed!” She nodded in understanding, yet couldn’t understand his laughter. “All tits are quite special, really. They often make up some very pretty songs on the fly.”
“Ahh… how interesting your tits are, Fluttershy.” Discord wanted to cringe from the sheer levels of how could she not understand this being crammed into this conversation.
“Thank you!” Fluttershy smiled bashfully, pulling the length of her scarf over her cheeks to hide her blush. “Oh my goodness, look how proud they are to hear that! Deedee looks like she’s going to burst from such high praise.”
“Oh no, that would be disastrous if one of your tits were to burst. I’ll try and be careful with them.”
“Oh, haha!” Fluttershy giggled like a puppy being tickled with feathers sliding down rainbows. “I get it! You thought they could actually pop — like balloons! That was very silly of you, Discord!”
“Mmm-hmm, well silly is what I do.” Discord couldn’t meet the beady eyes of the two birds. “Especially when it comes to tits.”
“Wow! You’ve met other tits before?” She looked at him far too innocently, and flashing him such a polite, conversational smile. It was like when a foal asked to visit their pet that had been sent to a farm upstate. But, surely, Fluttershy wasn’t that innocent?
“...Oh, Flutters, I’ve met loads of tits. You’re just the first to properly, ah, introduce me to these ones.”
“That’s so amazing! I knew you would love my tits when I told you how wacky they are.”
“Wacky certainly is the best word for… tits.” Discord tried to hold back another snort, but imagined he just looked like he was ready to sneeze.
“Yes, absolutely! Tits are very successful creatures. These birds find it very easy to adapt to so many food types!”
“So, what you’re saying is you rarely have to worry about what you feed your tits?”
“Yep! ”Fluttershy smiled gleefully. “Most birds have very sensitive and select diets, but not tits. I can put out almost any seed in my garden and they’ll love it!”
“Well, Chickie and Deedee are very nice tits.” Discord had to put all his effort into not rolling his eyes. “I guess I wouldn’t mind hearing them sing some time soon.”
“I should organize a concert! Just think of all the different kinds of tits that could be singing!” Fluttershy clapped her forehooves giddily and squealed with enough high-pitched delight to make her tits hop about uncomfortably, even though they were perched on Discord’s forelimbs still.
“Oh — snrk — are you telling me that there’s more tits?”
“Well, yes.” Fluttershy cocked her head to the side, letting her long pink mane spill around her confused expression. “The last time I checked one of my bird-watching guides, it said there were at least fifty-five known varieties of tits.”
“Bwhaha! That’s sooooo many tits!” Discord guffawed, slapping a knee. He swept his tail around in a reckless arc, and the two tits spread their wings. Both chirped fearfully as they fled back to the safety of Fluttershy’s forelegs.
“Discord, be careful!” Fluttershy yelled, stretching her forelegs out to embrace the started, wayward tits. She pulled the poor creatures into a hug and nuzzled them carefully. “Look, you just startled Chickie and Deedee! Oh dear, oh goodness, that was so rude. I don’t understand why you’re laughing at me. I thought you liked my tits. At first, I thought you had something stuck in your nose, but now it just sounds like you’re being a bully.”
“There’s no way you can be that naive and still alive,” Discord murmured. His eyes were wide with a profound sense of horror.
“Wh-what do you mean?” Fluttershy stammered, growing three shades of yellow paler. She cuddled her tits close to her, like there was some unseen evil out to get them. “What’s so naive about tits? Why are you acting like they're naughty? My tits are very nice! They’re safe for everypony!”