Luna-Som
“Order!” Princess Celestia declared from her seat on her imposing throne. Slowly, the many assembled ponies in the throne room of Canterlot castle began to quiet themselves. “As much as it pains me, it is my duty to call this civil trial against my sister Princess Luna to order!”
Her arms crossed at her seat below, Luna glowered up at her sister.
“Luna, did you get a lawyer, like I suggested?” Princess Celestia asked.
“I do not need a lawyer,” the dark blue eminence declared. “As you recall, I was once rector of the Canterlot University.”
“Luna, that was an honorary position you held twelve hundred years ago, I really don’t think-”
“Silence, traitorous kin!” Luna barked. “Last I checked, achievements in letters do not come with an expiration date!”
Celestia rolled her eyes. “Fine, whatever. Mr. Goldpony, you may make your opening argument.”
A slick, middle-aged pony across from Luna stood up and straightened his suit. “Fillies and Gentlecolts of the court,” he began. “I stand before you as the advocate for someone who cannot speak for himself. Dusk Breeze was a young stallion full of vigor. He loved pulling pranks on his fellow guards here at the castle, and even had a ring picked out for asking his marefriend to marry him next week. But, now, he is gone, and over the next several hours, I will prove that Princess Luna’s ‘sleep aid’ was indeed to blame. She was negligent and reckless, and we ask only that this poor family receive their just due in return for their lost son,” he concluded, gesturing over to a crying mare and a father whose visage was filled with hate as he stared daggers into Luna.
Luna met his gaze without flinching. ‘Your son was weak,’ she mouthed back silently.
“Thank you,” Mr. Goldpony concluded, taking a seat.
Without even waiting for orders from her older sister, Luna swiftly stood up. “My beloved subjects,” she delivered flawlessly, “I have long stated that Equestria is beset by three major threats which are tearing it apart from the inside: ancient monsters, liberals, and insomnia. It was with the jingoistic goal of protecting my beloved kingdom that I developed Luna-Som. After all, who better to develop an over-the-counter sleep aid than the Princess of Night herself? Over the last year, my brand has become the most trusted in the nation, capturing over 93% of the market share. I am trustworthy, and innocent of any wrongdoing. If you look under your seats, I have given you all a mail-in rebate for 30% off your next purchase. That is all.”
Celestia tried to force her muzzle to un-scrunch after her sister’s speech. “Yes...Well, Mr. Goldpony, you are free to call your first witness.”
“I would like to call the Royal Physician to the stand! He is my team’s primary witness. I assume Her Highness Princess Luna will not object, as she appointed said physician?”
“He was to be my only witness,” Luna clapped back smugly. “Go right ahead.”
A ruffled-up purple unicorn in a white coat shuffled quickly to the front of the room and took a seat in the witness box, doing his best to look inconspicuous.
A rough-looking armor clad stallion cleared his throat. “Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and-”
“Yes, yes, yes,” the doctor dismissed, waving a hoof. “I didn’t show up to the courtroom to lie.”
“Dr. Wave Function,” the confident prosecutor boomed. “Is it true that Princess Luna appointed you as the castle’s ‘Royal Physician’?”
“It’s kind of my side hustle,” he answered quickly, covering his muzzle with one hoof as he yawned and quickly smoothing out his burnt orange mane afterward. “My day job is being a fellow who is mercilessly delegated grunt work by attendings who hate me for having a royal appointment.”
“Are you a competent physician?”
“I should like to think I’m not incompetent.”
Princess Luna smugly grinned up at her presiding sister and raised her eyebrows twice in quick succession.
“Fillies and Gentlecolts of the court,” Goldpony transitioned, whirling around to face those assembled, “I could waste your and Dr. Functions’ time by asking all sorts of questions about what our dearly departed Dusk was doing the day he was killed by this disgusting ‘supplement’, questions about the medical science behind it all, questions about what could have prevented this...but instead, I have only one question. Dr. Function, could you list off all the ingredients found in Luna-Som?”
“Objection!” Luna cried, standing up from her seat. “The ingredients are proprietary!”
Celestia sighed. “Luna...That means that no other company can copy the ingredients, it doesn’t mean that you can keep them a secret.”
Luna stood still for a few seconds. “...I have a further objection!”
“Dismissed. Dr. Function, please answer the question as posed.”
“Well, analysis of the available information indicates each packeted dose of Luna-Som contains 150 milligrams of diphenhydramine, 10 milligrams of lorazepam, one full gram of melatonin, and trace amounts of barbiturates and mixed opioids. Interestingly enough, more than one third of samples also test positive for compounds usually only found in inhaled anesthesia.”
“‘Tis a lie!” Luna barked in anger, slamming her curled hoof into the table. “Physicker, I demand you repeat your chemical testing!”
Dr. Function blinked once in surprise. “I didn’t run any tests, that was all just listed on the front page of the Luna-Som website.”
Goldpony scoffed violently. “Does the court need any further proof that Princess Luna needs to be held monetarily responsible for the death of Dusk Breeze!?”
“Actually...?” Dr. Function interjected, raising a hoof. “Uh, he’s not dead.”
Goldpony froze in place for a moment before turning around slowly. “...What?”
“He’s not dead.”
“Of course he is!”
Wave Function narrowed his eyes and tilted his head, in the same expression a pony might make while arguing with somepony much less intelligent on social media. “Uh...No, he’s not. Evidently no one bothered to check his pulse before declaring him dead. I went into the morgue this morning to perform my autopsy and opened the ol’ corpse fridge, only to find him very alive, and very cold. He’s admitted to Canterlot Clinic’s MICU as we speak.”
Silence reigned for a few moments in the courtroom.
Goldpony bared his teeth suddenly. “Why didn’t you tell anypony this!?”
“Because nopony asked?” Dr. Function answered as if it was the easiest thing in the world. “Why didn’t you think to open up questioning with a simple ‘Gee, Doc, are you sure the dead pony is really dead’?”
The court immediately flew into an uproar of activity, with ponies around the room arguing and screeching as the erstwhile-dead pony’s loved ones broke for the door. Celestia tried in vain to quiet the crowd with her gavel.
“Aha, sister! Once again I am innocent!” Luna shouted in her Royal Canterlot Voice, finally quieting the room. “And what have you to say about this treachery, hmm? Perhaps I should bring a suit against your energy supplement!”
“Oh, this again!” Celestia huffed, throwing her courtroom demeanor out the window. “For the last time, Luna, Daytime Celeste contains about as much caffeine as a cup of coffee!”
Luna cast a hoof towards her Royal Physician. “Doctor, what say you about the veracity of this claim!?”
Dr. Function pursed his lips, wagging his head slowly side to side as he searched for the right words. “If by ‘cup’ you mean ‘quart’, and by ‘caffeine’ you mean ‘caffeine and also mixed amphetamine salts’, then I think it’s fair, yes."
"HAH!" crowed Luna, triumphant.
The doctor continued. "We should probably also talk about the hormones in your niece’s separate product, which may-”
Celestia sputtered out a raspberry. “Alright, that’s it. Case dismissed, and court adjourned!”
As the ponies in the room once again set out in a flurry of speech and activity, Princess Luna approached Dr. Function. “Excellent work, physicker,” she applauded, patting him roughly on the head in reward. “Despite your troubling honesty, you were able to bring victory to your Princess.”
Dr. Function squinted. “Were you expecting me to lie under oath?”
“I expect you only to selectively withhold damaging information,” she clarified. “You failed to do so, and yet you succeeded anyway, and thus you keep your appointment. Regardless, with a packet of Luna-Som stirred into a glass of warm water, I shall sleep well tonight.”
Dr. Function bit his lip reflexively. “Princess, you really shouldn’t be drinking that stuff. It’s dangerous- two packets put that guard out for half a week.” His eyes lit up suddenly as he remembered a crucial fact. “Also, while we’re at it, your cholesterol panel came back yesterday, and now I know you haven’t been taking your statin as prescribed.”
Her visage painted with supreme disappointment, Luna shook her head at the purple pony in front of her. “Nothing makes sense with you. First it is ‘don’t do drugs’, and then it is ‘take more drugs’. I am beginning to question the quality of your medical education, my dear Wave.”