What You Gonna Do?

2:00am on a Saturday

"I've been getting reports of disorderly conduct at the fountain," said Sheriff Milburt. "The mare we're looking for is a 'pale, light-grayish mulberry'-colored Earth pony with 'moderate cerise' eyes and the same color for her mane. According to this wiki page, her name is Berry Punch."

"What was that last part?" asked Deputy Hoof.

"Huh?"

"About the, what did you say? 'Wiki page?' "

"You're not getting paid to ask questions, Deputy! Now let's go find this mare and bring her in!"

"But we can't just bring her in without proper evidence, sir."

"You're not getting paid to inform me about things I already know, Deputy! Now shut up!"

"Okay, okay! Let's find this 'Berry Punch' and find out what's going on."

The two police stallions arrived at the fountain. There were two ponies, both mares, standing to the side of the fountain. There was another mare that fit the description of Berry Punch that was dancing in the fountain.

"That's her, in the fountain," said Sheriff Milburt. "I'll go ask those mares how this all started."

"Okay, I'll go see what this 'Berry Punch' has to say about the whole thing," said Deputy Hoof.

Sheriff Milburt walked over to the two mares. "Okay, which one of you would like to start talking first?"

"Uh, why are you acting like you're interrogating us?" asked the first mare.

"I see," replied the Sheriff. "I know how to get you to talk!" Sheriff Milburt took an iPod out of one of his pockets. "I'll give you two one last chance before I have to pry the information from your lifeless brains!"

"What the hay are you talking about!? I'll tell you what you want! We were the ones who called for you!"

"Okay, you asked for it!"

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Deputy Hoof studied the situation. The pony dancing in the fountain was definitely under the influence of alcohol. He knew that there were two witnesses that Sheriff Milburt was going to question. He began to head to the fountain to talk with Berry Punch. "Good morning, miss. My name is Deputy Hoof."

"Morning? Ish that what it ish?" Berry Punch was slurring her words, which only put more evidence against her.

"What are you doing in the fountain, miss? The sign right there says you shouldn't be in it."

"I thought that shign *hic* shaid I could be in this founin until sheven *hic*."

"Nope, and it appears as if you're drunk. If you would step out of the fountain and come with me, I'll take you down to the station. You'll have to wait there until you've-" Deputy Hoof suddenly heard "Notice Me" by Alexa Ray Joel begin to play over by the two witnesses. "Oh no! Stay here, Berry Punch!"

"How do ya know my name?" asked Berry Punch.

"Uh, a wiki page or something." Deputy Hoof ran over to Sheriff Milburt.

"No! Make it stop! I'll tell you anything!" Pleaded the second mare. The first mare had already passed out from the torture.

"Sheriff! What are you doing!? These are witnesses, not criminals!"

"Oh... Well, uh.." Sheriff Milburt looked down at the unconscious pony. "Sorry about that."

"We don't even need the witnesses anymore, Sheriff. Berry Punch is showing more than enough signs of being drunk in public, sir. We can take her in."

"Really? Oh, well... Sorry about that torture, miss," Sheriff Milburt said to the second witness.

"Is my friend going to be okay?" she asked.

"She should be okay. Luckily, she didn't hear the whole song," said Deputy Hoof. "If she randomly starts to sing the song, take her to the local therapist; he'll know what to do."

"Uh... Okay..."

"Now go home, and take your friend with you," said Sheriff Milburt.

The pony began dragging her friend away from the two cops.

"Now, where is Berry Punch?" asked the Sheriff.

"She's still over there in the fountain, sir."

"Well go get her so we can take her to the station." Sheriff Milburt's radio beeped, indicating that dispatch was about to give them a report.

"We've been getting reports of a local DJ playing music too loudly. She lives close to the town square of Ponyville."

"Copy that. How would we know which house it is?" asked Sheriff Milburt.

"It's most likely the only one with lights flashing inside and loud music coming from it."

"Okay, we're on our way to the scene."

The two cops, along with Berry Punch, started walking towards the town square. They heard music that got progressively louder the longer they walked.

"Look, that house over there," said Deputy Hoof. Sheriff Milburt saw the house too. It was shaking so much that he was surprised it hadn't crumbled down to the ground already.

"Those must be the ponies who have called in," said Deputy Hoof, motioning towards a few ponies that were grouped together.

"Allow me to go see what they know," said Sheriff Milburt. He began to take out the iPod as he walked towards them.

"That won't be necessary, Sheriff. Let's go into the house together," said Deputy Hoof.

"You aren't getting paid to tell me what is and is not necessary, Deputy," said Sheriff Milburt. "But I guess I could go with you into the house."

"Wait here," Deputy Hoof told Berry Punch. The Deputy and Sheriff made their way to the house.

"I don't think anypony would hear knocking, let's just go in," said Sheriff Milburt. He opened up the door and was almost blasted away by the bass. He slowly walked in, followed by Deputy Hoof.

"I can't even hear myself think!" yelled Deputy Hoof.

"What!?"

"I said, I can hardly even hear myself think!"

"I thought you said you couldn't hear yourself think!"

Deputy Hoof glared at the Sheriff.

"There she is over there!" said Deputy Hoof. Vinyl Scratch was dancing in the middle of an almost-empty room.

"Hey, you! Turn off the music!"

"What!? Never!" yelled Vinyl Scratch.

"Then you're coming with us!"

"Okay, fine." She walked over to the cops, and they all left the house.

"Hey, Berry Punch, get over here. We're going to the station." Berry Punch began following the cops and Vinyl Scratch.

"Hey! Aren't you going to turn off the music!?!?" asked one of the ponies standing outside.

"We're too busy to do that now, can't you do it?" asked Sheriff Milburt.

The pony groaned and began walking to Vinyl Scratch's house.

"Hey! That's breaking and entering!" said Vinyl Scratch.

"Hey, you shut up!" said Sheriff Milburt.

The ponies got to the police station. "Okay, you two get in that cell and think about what you've done."

Vinyl Scratch and Berry Punch walked into the cell. "Hey, do you wanna know a shecret?" Berry Punch asked Vinyl Scratch.

"No," said Vinyl Scratch.

"I'm druuuuunk!"

"Hey! You two shut up in there!" said Sheriff Milburt.

"Sheriff, should we just get it over with?" asked Deputy Hoof.

"Sure, whatever." The two cop ponies walked over to the cell and opened it up. Sheriff Milburt stepped inside and looked at the two ponies that were now sitting on a metal bench.

"I sure hope you two are ready for this," said Sheriff Milburt.

"Ready for what?" asked Vinyl Scratch.

"You see that camera over there?" asked Sheriff Milburt.

"Yeah," answered Vinyl Scratch.

"Well, you two are on Candid Camera!"

"Wrong show, sir," said Deputy Hoof.

"Awh, CRAP!!!!!"

Candid Camera somehow got a hold of this recording and sued COPS. It is because of that why this episode was never aired.

The End

Episode 2

View Online

"Sheriff, can we please get some work done today?" Deputy Hoof was pacing back and forth to pass the time.

"We are getting work done, Deputy! We've been writing our reports today." Sheriff Milburt chuckled at his computer monitor.

"I already finished my report, sir; you've just been sitting here giggling at your computer all day."

Sheriff Milburt looked at his deputy. "You're not getting paid to tell me what I'm currently doing, Deputy!" He shifted his attention back to his computer and tried to hold back more laughter. "You'll get that hayburger one day, little guy."

"What are you even doing, Sheriff!?"

"I'm watching cat videos, Deputy!"

Both of their radios came on. "We got a call of a mare getting harassed in a neeeeiiigghh-borhood not too far from here."

Sheriff Milburt spoke into his radio. "We're on our way."

"Barbara sounded like she had a cold," Deputy Hoof wore a look of concern.

"Yeah; I heard it's been going around the department for the past week. Good thing we wash our hooves, right?"

"Our hooves are constantly touching the ground, sir; I don't think washing them actually does that much."

"Shut up. Let's go." Sheriff Milburt lead the way out of the building and onto the streets of Ponyville. "Ahhh, finally some fresh air."

"Maybe if you hadn't been watching cat videos..."

"Deputy, let me tell you something. One day, you'll be the sheriff." Sheriff Milburt walked down the street, and Deputy Hoof followed him.

"Is that it, sir?" The deputy asked.

"Is what it?"

"You only wanted to tell me that I'll be the sheriff one day, and not explain how that has anything to do with watching cat videos?"

"Son, when you're the sheriff, cat videos are all you got." He stopped. "Did Barb say neighborhood or marketplace?"

"I'm pretty sure she said neighborhood, sir."

"How do you know? I could hardly hear her over her cold." He held his radio. "I'm just gonna ask her to make sure."

"Colds don't make sounds, Sheriff..."

"You're not getting paid to listen to ailments, Deputy! Now shut up so I can talk to Barb!" He pressed in the button on the radio transmitter. "Hey Barb, I just wanna make sure if you said neighborhood or marketplace."

"I said marketplace," responded Barbara.

"Thank you, Barbara." The sheriff looked at Deputy Hoof. "What'd I tell you, Deputy? You never know what somepony is sayin when they have a cold."

"But she literally said neighborhood..." Deputy Hoof looked over at the marketplace. "Buuuut I guess she really did mean marketplace, sir. Look over there."

Sheriff Milburt turned his head to see that Derpy the mailmare was poking a mare with a box. "I knew that mailmare was trouble." He pulled out his iPod. "Come on, Deputy; let's go serve some justice."

"Sheriff, please."

"Please what? You got a problem with my interrogation methods?"

"Well, first of all, we both know what happened last time."

Sheriff Milburt groaned. "Oh, come on! She recovered!"

"Second of all! This isn't the type of case we interrogate ponies for."

"So you're saying that-" Sheriff Milburt was cut off by Deputy Hoof.

"No. It wasn't even necessary last time."

"You're not getting paid to ruin my fun, Deputy!" Sheriff Milburt marched towards Derpy and the mare. The mare had an annoyed look about her, and Derpy was constantly pushing a box against the mare's side.

"This is yours," said Derpy.

The mare sighed. "It is not mine, Depry."

"It has your name on it."

Deputy Hoof interjected. "What seems to be the problem here?"

"Finally the police arrive." The mare seemed to calm down a bit. "Derpy has been pestering me for, like, thirty minutes now."

"I need to give her this package." Derpy pointed at the label. "Look, her name is right here."

"That says 'This side up,' Derpy," said Deputy Hoof.

"Oh... Isn't that her name?"

"No. It means that this side needs to be facing up."

"Oh." Derpy flipped the mare onto her back. "Like this?"

Sheriff Milburt took out his iPod. "That's assault right there!"

"Sheriff, no! Don't!" Deputy Hoof tried to take the iPod away from Sheriff Milburt, but it was too late: Friday by Rebecca Black was already playing.

"No! Please, no!" The mare got up and started galloping away.

"We've got a runner!" Sheriff Milburt chased after her.

"Sheriff, stop! Turn off the song! I just solved it!" Deputy Hoof's yelling couldn't be heard over the complaints of all the ponies who crowded the street.

"What is this awful song!? Make it stop!"

"I'd rather listen to hooves on a chalkboard!"

"It's not even Friday!"

"Just sit in the back!"

Sheriff Milburt walked back, dragging the mare behind him. "She resisted arrest, so I had to tie her up."

"That's not even protocol, Sheriff!" Deputy Hoof ran over and untied the mare. "Now, all I have to do is ask you one simple question, miss."

"Will this all end if you ask the question?" The mare brushed dirt off of herself.

"Yes."

"Then please ask the question."

"Is your name Sunny Delight?"

"What? Where did you get that name from?"

Deputy Hoof held the box. "Right here on the label. It says it's for Sunny Delight. Are you or are you not Sunny Delight?"

The mare took a step back. "I, uh..."

"It's not a hard question, miss... What is your name?"

"My name is, uh..."

"Your cutie mark is a sun. That fits with Sunny."

Sheriff Milburt walked over. "Are you delighted at this moment?"

"Not particularly at this moment, no..."

"Let me just pull up the wiki here..." Sheriff Milburt was on his phone. "Let's see here..." His eyes widened. "Deputy, you're gonna wanna look at this.

"What is it, sir?" Deputy Hoof looked at the sheriff's phone.

"That name's not on the wiki, Deputy."

"What does that mean, Sheriff?"

"It means that Sunny Delight... Is an... OC!"

"I don't even know what that means!"

"Neither do I, Hoof!"

"Are we on the wiki, sir?"

"Of course we are." Sheriff Milburt and Deputy Hoof looked at the mare. "You know, I haven't seen you around town before..."

"Fine! You figured it out! I'm Sunny Delight! That package is for me!" She took the box. "You'll never catch me, coppers!" She began galloping away again.

"We've got a runner!" Sheriff Milburt dashed after her.

"Sheriff!"

COPS: Ponyville

by JerryTheHouseGhost

What You Gonna Do?

Episode 2