The Outer Worlds: Best RPG Ever!
Laying on her bed, Twilight Sparkle talked to the universe, eyes closed and wings outstretched
With knowledge gleaned from years studying arcane texts, she channeled willpower into her horn, tapping into energies that were old when Equestria was young. With her powerful mind, she gave the universe a simple command: Obey.
The universe complied. A tub of ice cream popped into existence, accompanied by a spoon.
Opening her eyes, she popped off the cardboard lid, Twilight willed the spoon to bury itself into the ice cream, scooping out a chunk of purplish goodness and dropping it into her mouth like a mother bird feeding her chick.
Purpleberry flavor. Her favorite.
-
As she shoveled the slices of sugary sweetness into her mouth, Twilight let her plum-colored mane down and sighed, letting herself relax for the first time that day. Outside, she could hear the sounds of Pinkie’s “Twilight’s Our New Supreme Ruler So I’m Legally Obligated to Throw a Party” party slowly burning itself out. At the foot of her bed, Spike was curled up on the floor, wearing a lampshade like a little helmet.
If the past few years had taught her anything, it was that times like this didn’t last long. Just when it seemed things were returning to normal; the villain was reformed, the debris was being swept up, the last patients were being discharged, some other catastrophe had to strike. It was a miracle she wasn’t a complete nervous wreck by now.
Another lump of purplish goodness slid down Twilight’s throat. She licked a little molten ice cream from her lips. Before her ascension, she would have limited herself to a small bowl, no more, no less. Every calorie that entered her body was scrupulously tracked. Now, thanks to her new and improved metabolism, She could eat nothing but ice cream for twenty-four hours straight and all of that delicious sugar and fat would be converted directly into energy, while the tiny remainder would be shunted to her flanks, just enough to make them slightly bigger.
Forget immortality. That was the true gift of alicornhood
As she declared war on ice cream, one of the many books on her obsessively organized bookshelf started glowing and buzzing
Twilight’s ears perked up. Sunset! With a command, she levitated a dog-eared journal emblazoned with a stylized yin-yang sun off of the shelf, joining the ice cream tub and spoon in orbit above her bed. Twilight flipped to the nearest blank page. Slowly, words started to form on the creamy white paper.
You there, Twi?
Twilight levitated a fountain pen over from her desk. “Yeah, I’m here. How are you?” She said. Not wanting to wake up Spike, she charmed the pen with a spell, and the little writing utensil loyally wrote down every word she said.
“Drained. Seems like every other day someone stumbles on a magical toilet plunger or cursed pipe wrench or whatever. I mean, just last week, two kids found an enchanted slide projector in the city dump that could open portals to other worlds*.”
“What’s so bad about that?”
”Nothing... until they accidentally freed some Lovecraftian abomination from a nightmare world and nearly destroyed reality. When we finally managed to destroy the damned thing, I remembered that I had finals coming up in a week! Say hello to ten hours of non-stop studying. I swear, if I see another textbook ever again I am going to strangle it...somehow!
Okay, rant’s over. So, what’s up with you? How are things back at home?
Twilight took a deep breath.”You have no idea.” She wrote, giving a brief synopsis of Discord’s masquerade as Grogar, Cozy Glow gaining control of an extremely powerful magical artifact, the battle with the Legion of Doom, and the aftermath.
“...And just a few hours ago, I was crowned Princess of all Equestria.”
For a moment, the page stayed blank.
Damn...and I thought my month was busy. There was a brief pause. “So, what’s it like, being the Grand Poobah of all ponies?
“It’s...different. I now technically own Canterlot castle, have unlimited access to the royal treasury, the combined power of two alicorns, AND an army of servants to tend to my every whim.” Twilight scarfed another spoonful of sugary goodness. “I guess it’s kind of neat.”
What’s the catch?
“Well, I do have to attend court every day and night, assemble and meet with a cabinet, review and sign laws, raise and lower the sun, sign letters, meet with dignitaries, try to deal with the Canterlot nobility without teleporting them into the sun…”
Twilight thought for a second. “Oh, and the mail. Sweet Goddess the mail!”
How much mail are we talking about?
“More than even I care to count,” Twilight snorted. “ I’ve only been a Princess for a few hours and I’m already getting mountains of marriage proposals, petitions, charity appearances, offerings, votives...”
Offerings? Votives?
“You heard that correctly; according to the Sparklists, yours truly is ‘The Sparkling One’, chosen by the Goddess herself to rule over Equinity.” Twilight rolled her eyes and groaned” No matter how many times I tell them otherwise’, they just keep saying ‘Only the truly divine deny their own divinity,’” Like that makes any sense.”
“Does this mean I can pray to you whenever I buy a lottery ticket? If I shout “Twilight Dammit” every time I stub my toe, is it considered blasphemous?
“If you believe the pamphlets they’re passing out, then yes.” She sighed. “Still, at least they aren’t trying to paste my face on a t-shirt for a cheap bit.”
“Ah, capitalism. Never changes.”
Twilight groaned. “It was fine when it was just a movie adaptation or a biography, but now I can’t throw a rock without hitting some salespony pushing a ‘Twilight Sparkle Official Plushie’ or ‘Twilight Sparkle-approved toothpaste’.”
Another lump of ice cream shoveled itself into Twilight’s mouth. “I mean, what’s next? “Twilight Sparkle-brand toilet-cleaner tablets, shaped like little unicorns?”
“ What about the official ‘Action Princess ™ ’ action figure?”
Twilight nickered. “Or ‘Sparkle-os’: purpleberry-flavored cereal, with little marshmallow cutiemarks!”
“It’s got nothing on the next sure-fire arcade hit “Sparkle Fighter ” and its movie adaptation, and the home console adaptation of the movie, and the board game based on the console game…”
Twilight grinned. “What about the Twilight Sparkle popsicles?” Show how much you love the Princess by taking a big bite out of her face!” Beat that.
“Behold, the Twilight Sparkle ‘Fires of Friendship ™ ” miniature flamethrower! The foals would love it!”
Twilight burst out in laughter, nearly spraying ice cream all over the bed. “Okay okay, you win.”
“Never mess with the Queen of bad ideas.”
Twilight frowned. “That’s a little unfair, don’t you think?”
There was a short pause. “Twi, I tried to take over an entire world with an army of brainwashed teenagers.”
“Good point,” Twilight said. Something occurred to her.
“Speaking of teenagers. This is your second-to-last year as a high schooler, right?”
“Yep. Barring the very likely chance of an accidental apocalypse, I should graduate next year.”
“What do you have planned after that?”
I don’t know. Back when I was still a colossal bitch, I didn’t plan to stay here that long; just enough to prove to Celestia that I was princess material. Then I took a magical Friendship Laser of Death to the face That kind of scuttled my plans.
(Friendship Laser of Death’... Dammit, That’s what we should have called the band!).
After that, well, I just played along. Maybe once I graduate I’ll return to Equestria. Or maybe I’ll stay here. Marry one of the locals. Go native. I just don’t know.”
“Well, if you decide to come back, I could always use someone like you in my cabinet”
Good one Twi... Wait, you’re serious. You can’t be serious!
“Give yourself some credit, Sunset. You’ve saved the Mirror world multiple times, successfully contained or destroyed several dangerous magical artifacts, and you play a mean guitar. If anything you’re overqualified for the role. Moreso than many of the so-called ‘nobility’”
Well… I’ll think about it...Oh Horseapples!
“What’s wrong?”
“Totally lost track of time. It’s late. Way later than I thought. I gotta get some sleep. Catch You sometime next month, oh Great and Sparkly One.”
Twilight nickered. “How dare you take my name in vain!.”
“Whatever you say, my goddess.”
With that, Twilight clapped the journal shut and gently levitated it over to the shelf, nudging it back into the gap like a dentist reinserting a tooth. She gazed up at the ceiling, plopping some more ice cream into her mouth.
As she grazed, something occurred to Twilight all of the lessons she'd learned, the mistakes she'd made, the villains she'd redeemed, had all lead up to this moment.
And you know what, it was totally worth it.