One Week to Live or Die
The doctor said, "I have bad news and good news."
Rarity wiped some runny, smeared mascara out of her eyes. "You said our friend Twilight will die in a week! When that happens, what good news would we even care about?"
The doctor shuffled some papers. "The toxins in her body ARE expected to kill her in a week, if nothing is done. But the good news is, there is one experimental treatment."
Pinkie wailed, "What is it? We'll do anything!" She thought for a moment. "I mean, anything as long as it isn't really, really bad."
The doctor warned, "It won't be easy."
Twilight huffed, "It can't be THAT hard! Just tell us already!"
The doctor put a forehoof on Fluttershy's shoulder. "Just imagine your friend Twilight, in her deathbed. She struggles to take her last breath. Her barrel barely moves. And finally, her body is completely still. Your friend Twilight will never speak again, never smile, never open her eyes. She is gone from this world, never to return."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Twilight complained. "Stop being so dramatic already! Just tell us how to cure it!"
The doctor pointed at Fluttershy's silent tears, running down her face and dripping from her muzzle. "Twilight, don't you feel for her? For your dear friend?"
Twilight stomped a hoof. "Of course I do! So cut it out! Just tell us!"
The doctor looked around the room, at all the ponies crying their hearts out. All except for one. Twilight didn't look sad, but rather seriously peeved.
The doctor made awkward throat-clearing sounds. "That's the problem. The only way we know to purge the toxin from your system fast enough to keep it from killing you, is for you to cry. A lot. Preferably every day, until you're feeling better. Your tear ducts are the only thing that can save you."
Twilight shouted, "You've got to be kidding me! You absurd quack!"
Another doctor, overhearing the argument, walked into the room. "I'm sorry, Twilight. But that's the truth. It's the only known treatment to save your life."
Twilight snorted. "What did I ever do, to be born into such a stupid world?"
***
"I KNOW the thought that I might die this week should make me sad," Twilight agreed. "But do you remember what the last few years have been like? Almost killed by Nightmare Moon. Almost killed by a dragon. Almost killed by a timberwolf. Almost killed by three basilisks and an angry pony with a sledgehammer. Almost killed by overeating too much candy in one Nightmare Night, until we found the Elixir of Antidiabetes. I don't know how many times I've had heavy objects dropped on me that it seems should have killed anypony. Almost drowned in a flood of chocolate milk. Almost killed by a minotaur. Won a hoof-to-talon fight with a griffon two weight classes bigger than me, busting that illegal fighting ring in Whamrooster. Are you starting to see a pattern here?"
Fluttershy nodded. "After I bet on you in the fighting ring so I could blend in and stay undercover, I won a lot of bits. I was able to buy SO much food for the animals."
"No, that's not what I mean! What I mean is, I just can't take impending death seriously anymore. I'm too used to wriggling out of it somehow."
Rainbow hovered, holding an open book. "Don't worry! you're the best in Equestria! I'm sure you can beat this latest deadly danger too! Or my name isn't Daring Do!"
"But your name ISN'T Daring Do!"
Rainbow rubbed her forehead with one hoof. "Sorry. I was just reading this one motivational speech out of my latest Daring Do book. Sometimes when I'm feeling down, it makes me feel better. It really restores my confidence."
"That's the problem!" Twilight shouted. "After all our adventures, now I have too much confidence! I need LESS confidence, so I can feel deep down in my bones that I'm going to die! So I can cry my eyes out over it, and then I WON'T die!"
Applejack said sympathetically, "Ah think Ah see your problem. This is like when you and I were talkin' the other day, about truth and logical paradoxes. You need to know you're goin' to die, so you can cry, so you WON'T die." Applejack scratched her mane. "That's a hard one. Wish Ah could lie to you and make you think you're goin' to die for sure. But that ain't what Ah'm good at."
Rainbow said, "Twilight, you're stupid and you can't fix problems and you're going to die for sure. And did I mention you're ugly? And a hideous nerd?"
Twilight sighed. "Rainbow, I know you have a crush on me and you don't believe any of what you just said. You're just trying to make me cry and save my life. Because you love me, I guess. Also, you're kind of hot yourself, but you and I wouldn't work out, because I would need more intellectual pillow talk, not just how cool Daring Do is and who's the best flyer."
Rainbow blushed. After a moment, she recovered enough confidence to ask, "If we had an affair, how long do you think we could make it work, Twi? Before you dump me?"
Twilight huffed. "Ask me later this week."
"Wow." Rainbow looked stunned. "That's harsh."
***
Rarity gently touched the novel on the table between the two ponies. On the book's cover, a handsome stallion and a beautiful mare embraced. Both ponies' clothes appeared to have suffered recent damage from some mild catastrophe. The strategically located rips and tears made the ponies look sexier than if they had been merely naked, like most of the ponies Twilight saw every day.
"Twilight, don't you FEEL for these ponies? Their hearts are breaking, all because of a tragic misunderstanding!" Rarity wiped her eyes. "SO tragic."
"I thought that book was kind of stupid," Twilight said irritably. She sounded like a pony who felt she had just wasted two hours of the last week of her life.
Rarity gasped. "Stupid?"
"Their problems would be solved in minutes, if they would just have a reasonable discussion. Their only problem is, they don't bother to communicate. Or maybe they're too stupid to communicate. Those ponies should never marry! What if they had foals? They would go eighteen or twenty years before they remembered to tell their little darlings, don't play in traffic, it's bad for you. When it came time to name the eight children they hope to have, they would have to find SO many different ways to say Furry Pancake."
Rarity huffed. "So you don't like the book. No reason to be RUDE."
Twilight sighed. "I'm sorry if I insulted your book, Rarity. But there are good reasons I don't usually read this kind of thing." Twilight smiled. "Not when there are so many good books on thaumaturgy! And astrophysics! And did I ever tell you about this great book on ovine diseases I saw the other day?"
Rarity recited, "The rain, in the main, causes sheep arthritis pain."
"You remember it! You must have really loved it too!"
"No, I just remember you talking so enthusiastically about it. Five times in two weeks, I think."
"Well," Twilight said. "At least you'll have these happy memories to look back on, in years to come."
"Yes," Rarity said agreeably. "The name Twilight Sparkle shall always make me think of rain, moldering tomes, sheep with crutches and wheelchairs, and most importantly, the pleasure you found in these simple things."
"Exactly!" Twilight said. "I'm glad you understand, Rares."
***
Applejack had brought Twilight a visitor.
A tiny colt sat in a wheelchair. Closer to Twilight, two tables were covered with books, racks of test tubes, jars of reagents, two microscopes, and several beakers. In the largest beaker, a gently bubbling liquid turned blue.
"There!" Twilight said triumphantly. "I've proven it! You don't have Barrett's Dystrophy at all. You just have a nutritional deficiency from eating only hospital food for months." Twilight levitated a frighteningly large syringe towards the colt. He flinched, but Twilight's telekinesis also kept his wheelchair from falling over. The needle jabbed his arm.
For minutes, Twilight watched him with a slightly unnerving, smiling stare. Finally the colt stood up.
"I can walk!" the colt said. "I'm gonna walk right out of this hospital, go home, sit on my plot, and play videogames while eating only junk food for the rest of my life. Yippee!"
"Yeah, about that--" Twilight started to say, but the colt had already run out of the room.
Twilight smiled at Applejack. "Thank you for bringing me a new visitor. He really helped to take my mind off my problems. And it's so satisfying to help somepony. I feel so much better now!"
Applejack had an odd look on her face. "Yeah, Ah was hopin' he might make you feel WORSE. Ah was hopin' a sick little foal who can't even walk might make you feel so sad you would cry."
Twilight grinned sheepishly. "Well...at least he can walk now."
***
Twilight's hospital room was crowded with five other ponies, each holding a sharp knife. On tables and overturned washbasins, atop cutting boards and platters, in buckets and in bowls, both whole and cut onions contributed to an atmosphere so teary that many ponies would have found it almost unbearable.
In her bed, Twilight diced onions on a lap desk. "I guess it's because I've done so many chemistry experiments. I seem to have built up some kind of immunity. I can cut onions all day long, and nothing much happens. Except I end up with a lot of onion pieces."
"How convenient," Rarity remarked. "Usually."
"Yes, I always thought so. Until this week."
Pinkie Pie sobbed. Twilight said, "Pinkie, I thought you were just crying because of the onions. But I look at you, and you seem really sad."
"Yes!" Pinkie bawled. "So many onions, freshly cut! What are we going to do with them all? I just can't STAND the thought of all these neatly diced onions going to waste! Also, I'm afraid one of my best friends might die soon."
Twilight got out of bed, and hugged Pinkie. "You poor dear. I'm so, so sorry."
***
On Twilight's last day, Pinkie Pie walked into the hospital room. "If I can't do anything else, Twilight, I'm going to try to make your last hours happy ones." She plonked down a stack of books on a table just beyond Twilight's reach.
Applejack chuckled uncomfortably. "Ah guess Twilight sure does love her books."
Pinkie picked up a book. "Twilight, let me read to you!"
Twilight gasped. "My last hours in this world, and you put a pile of books in front of me, and you won't let me read even one myself?" She pouted. "You ARE trying to make me cry!"
"No, no!" Pinkie insisted. "This'll be fun! Here, let me ask you something. Twilight, what kind of fish wins a card game?"
Twilight looked at Pinkie like the bright pink pony was insane. Which didn't really bother Pinkie; she got that a lot. "I have no idea. Also, I don't care."
Pinkie crowed, "Go fish! Go fish! Get it?"
Twilight grimaced. "I don't know what you're trying to do--"
"OOH!" Pinkie shouted. "What happens when your toilet has an exit pipe without any bends?"
"I don't--"
"A straight flush! Wait, I've got another one!"
Twilight discovered that a large enough collection of really dumb jokes, delivered rapid fire in Pinkie's signature style, could actually be kind of funny.
"Okay," Twilight admitted, "this isn't actually the worst way I could spend my last hours of life."
"Wait! Wait!" Pinkie insisted. "Oh, no, you can't wait! No time to lose! How do you make money fly? Here's a hint, Starlight Glimmer loves to do it!"
"I don't--"
"Kite a check!"
Twilight admitted, "That mare is really bad at balancing a checkbook. But should we really be making fun of her financial problems--"
"Sock puppets!" Pinkie put several socks on different parts of her mane, and moved her mane to animate them. She pretended the socks were trying to eat her tail. The mare ran around in circles, with her disguised mane chasing her own tail.
Twilight laughed. She rolled out of bed onto the floor, waving her hooves in the air helplessly. She chortled. She guffawed. She laughed so hard that tears started to run from the corners of her eyes.
Rainbow Dash noticed Twilight's tears, and started to laugh not only at the pure ridiculousness of Pinkie's plan to save Twilight's life, but also because such a ridiculous plan was working. Soon Rainbow, too, was rolling around on the carpet laughing.
Feeling neglected because Fluttershy hadn't pampered him in the last hour, Angel Bunny hopped into the room. He prodded Fluttershy. He poked her. When he was about to slap her, one of Pinkie's sock puppets nipped his tail. The rabbit turned around and started angrily (but silently, because rabbits can't talk) scolding Pinkie. The sock nipped him again. Soon socks were chasing Angel Bunny, and Angel Bunny was chasing socks, all at the same time.
If Twilight had wanted to stop laughing, it would have been a difficult struggle. But she was so happy just to let it happen. Her friends were trying so hard to make this hour of her life a happy one, and they were succeeding.
Finally, Rarity walked into the room carrying a glass of water. She offered it to Twilight, who was sitting on the floor.
"Thanks," Twilight said, tears dripping down her chin and from her muzzle. "I must have lost a lot of water in the last hour."
"Whatever do you mean?" Rarity asked. She looked at Twilight's face. "Have you been...crying?"
Twilight chuckled. "Pinkie Pie made me laugh so hard I cried. And she kept doing it. And kept doing it. No wonder I'm thirsty." Twilight gulped down the glass of water. "Rares, have you got a pitcher?"
Rarity levitated a large pitcher of water into the room, refilling Twilight's glass.
Twilight drank again. "That really hits the spot."
A doctor ran into the room. "I'm so sorry! We didn't mean to do it!"
Twilight hopped up onto her feet. "Sorry about what?" she asked. "The food in this hospital isn't great, but it isn't THAT bad." She thought for a moment. "Or maybe it IS that bad?"
The doctor eyed Twilight suspiciously. Or skeptically? "Hey," the doctor said, "aren't you supposed to be dead about now? Or at least too sick to jump up like that?"
Twilight argued, "But we tried your treatment! Why would I be dead?"
"Uh...yeeeaaahh," the doctor said. "About that treatment..."
The doctor explained.
***
"That's when a nurse noticed the names of the authors on the journal's front cover," the doctor said. "Ignotius Pony Freely. Ignatz Mauricio Sic. Biggus Idiotum. Aprilis Foal. Notice anything?"
Rainbow started laughing. "I P Freely. I M Sic. Big Idiot. April Foal!" But a moment later, she stopped. "So why is Twilight doing so well? Was all of this a big prank? Is Amapone Veil Frog venom harmless? Because making somepony think they're going to die isn't funny."
"Oh, no," the doctor said. "Let me assure you, Amapone Veil Frog venom really is deadly."
"So I'm going to die?" Twilight exclaimed. "But I just got used to being alive again!"
A weird-looking creature, a motley assemblage of mismatched parts, walked into the room. "Hello!" he crowed. "Twilight, you're looking well."
The doctor glared at the bizarre visitor. "Are you responsible for this?"
Discord adjusted his tie. "Well...only some of it. I had nothing to do with Twilight drinking Amapone Veil Frog venom. And I certainly didn't have anything to do with making Amapone Veil Frogs DEADLY. If I had created them myself, the effects would have been harmless but amusing.
"When I found out Twilight had drunk that venom, I rushed to Ponyville as fast as I could. But when I arrived, I thought I had a bit of a problem. I happened to be one of the very few creatures who knew the cure. But how to persuade you or your doctors to USE the cure?
"What if I had walked in the door saying, 'Here's the cure! Never mind that all the doctors think you're going to die!' A lot of ponies would have thought I was playing some sick prank."
Applejack glared. "Now why would anypony think you might do a thing like that?"
"Save it for later, sweet little mother to apple trees," Discord said. "That's the kind of argument I wanted to avoid. There was no time to waste. So I magically created a fake medical journal, put copies of it in the hospital, and turned myself into a nurse who brought it to one of Twilight's doctors. The rest was easy. I knew I could trust you ponies to make it work somehow."
"So..." Twilight said, "I owe you my life."
"You six pony friends have made my life immeasurably richer." Discord said airily. "Also, I've made so much trouble for so many creatures over the centuries. Why not fix a problem here and there instead?"
"Ah can't argue with that," Applejack remarked. "Even if Ah don't entirely like your twisty little methods."
Twilight noted, "I suppose instead of only helping to get me cured in such a complicated way, you could have just snapped your fingers and fixed it."
"I suppose I could solve ALL your problems that way," Discord remarked. "But someday you would have the problem that you'd never practiced solving problems, and for lack of practice you weren't any good at it. THAT'S a problem only you can solve, by practicing in advance. So I secretly helped, but I didn't make it too easy for you."
Discord waggled his eyebrows. "Besides, Twilight, I know you DO like to learn. And now you've learned the cure for Amapone Veil Frog poisoning. So everycreature gets to live happily ever after."
Twilight snorted. "Thank you, Discord."
Discord wiggled his shoulders. "It was my pleasure." He smiled sweetly at Fluttershy. "I believe you and I had a previous engagement? Now that we don't need to prepare for the funeral, I think we might as well go back to our old plan."
Fluttershy smiled. "Now that you're not dead, Twilight, I really would like to go celebrate with my little Dissy."
All the other ponies laughed. "Dissy?" Twilight said incredulously.
"Oh!" Fluttershy said. "I guess I'm not supposed to say that around other ponies."
"Oh, no, it's fine." Discord waved a talon-hand. "I can handle it. But if any of you ponies repeat that little pet name too much, or tell it to the general public, I might play a prank that will be more...old school."
Twilight remembered her old nightmares of having to return to Magic Kindergarten. "I'll try to be good. But you'd better try to be good too, MISTER DISCORD."
"It's a plan!" Discord snapped his fingers. He and his special yellow pegasus friend disappeared.
"So," Twilight said. "Now that I seem to be recovering, I think we should leave too, and get something other than hospital food for dinner. The lime-flavored protein jelly here really does remind me of The Smooze."
Author's Note
The Sad tag is because near the end of the story, Discord shows up and reinforces the patriarchy.
Anyway, there is a comments section. So you can tell me how this story was so terrible you just couldn't keep yourself from reading to the end! Or, you know, not. Upvoting is ok too, but only if you enjoyed this story enough to read it.
