Luna tries to prove she's really Celestia's mother. Will she succeed? Contains at least one lawyer joke, but it's about EQUESTRIAN lawyers, so it's ok.
Luna tries to prove she's really Celestia's mother.
Will she succeed?
Contains at least one lawyer joke, but it's about Equestrian lawyers, so it's ok.
"Celestia, there's something important you should know. It's not your fault, and you didn't do it."
"WHAT'S not my fault?" Celestia's shout echoed down the palace's hallways.
"That stuff about you banishing me to the moon? You've been blaming yourself for so many years, and it's not fair to you."
"Well, to be fair...I haven't been blaming ONLY myself. I do think Nightmare Moon had something to do with it, dear sister."
Luna chuckled bitterly. "I'm not your sister."
Celestia blinked a few times. "You think you're not my sister? Who do you think you are?"
Luna opened a briefcase and rummaged through it. She pulled out a thick stack of parchments, which she held out to Celestia.
Celestia went to sit upon a large, comfortable couch. She read for several hours, while Luna patiently waited nearby in an upholstered chair.
Finally Celestia rose from the couch. "Luna, this says it's a divorce decree, and that you're my mother."
"Didn't you ever wonder why you have so little memory of your real mother?"
"It's because our mother died when we were tiny foals."
"No, it's because I had the worst divorce lawyer ever! He lost my case so hard, the judge gave your father triple-strength full custody. I wasn't even allowed to be your FORMER mother. He had a memory spell put on you, to make you forget I was ever your mother. Also, to further destroy the mother-child relationship, the spellcaster made you think that I had gone berserk, and that I'd tried to banish the sun forever so there would be no food and I would starve to death along with everypony else."
Celestia was so stunned, she collapsed onto her plot.
"Celly, even after a thousand years for some of it to wear off, you don't remember anything about this? That memory spell must have been very well-crafted."
Celestia admitted, "Really, I don't have all that much memory of a thousand years ago or more."
"WHAT?" Luna exclaimed. "Didn't you ever wonder why your memory of your earlier life is so...lacking?"
"It's natural for memories to fade over time. And it's been a long time."
"You're an alicorn, Celestia! You're supposed to be more durable than that. I'll PROVE that an alicorn's memory is supposed to last better than you seem to think. Let's go to the Canterlot Library."
"The library? What are you going to do, recite Dew Wee Decimal codes at me?"
"Come on, put up or shut up." Luna reached up to grab Celestia's ear between her teeth, and led Celestia out of the royal palace.
As Luna dragged Celestia along, the pale alicorn felt a strange familiarity in the experience. As if long-repressed memories were trying to come to light.
This was very strange. Or was it? Surely it would all turn out to have a logical explanation.
In the library, events resembled a quiz show, if a quiz show was filmed in a library without any annoying show biz distractions, and nopony was filming it. So there were no giant display screens, no studio audience, no noisy buzzers or flashing lights.
But there were lots of books! It was like somepony decided to make a special quiz show for Twilight Sparkle. Luna was sad she hadn't thought ahead to invite the Princess of Friendship With Book Benefits, to watch and cheer her on.
With the librarians' help, Luna had Celestia look inside randomly chosen books on ancient history, technology, arachnography, etc., and challenge the Moon Princess with difficult questions. Luna demonstrated her superbly unimpared, unfaded memory of nearly everything that had happened thousands of years ago.
But if we told you exactly how the Amapones lived so happily for centuries without stallions? Or the original uses for the Indian curry comb? With all the graphic details? We might receive the M-for-Mature rating.
But history is boring, right? So let's censor those dull parts right out! Yay!
In a final surprise bonus round, Luna remembered what she and Celestia ate for their dinner together last Thursday, to show the Moon Princess also knew about recent events.
***
The two alicorns were surrounded by a chaos of books, left in piles and heaps after they'd been pillaged for knowledge. The scene was truly Twilightesque. Librarians vacillated between discomfort at the mess, and joy that these royal patrons had showed so much interest in the Canterlot Library's sacred trust. Around the edges of the scene, an especially proactive librarian tried to inconspicuously snatch a few volumes to start reshelving.
"So, Luna...if you were bound to the moon by both laws and spells, how did you ever get back?"
Luna smiled mischievously. "I was banished to the moon, which is a very boring place. So after a few centuries, without much else to do, I started throwing rocks at Equestria."
Celestia was horrified. "Luna! Don't you love our little ponies?"
"Mostly I do," Luna replied. "But I decided lawyers are a special case. So I threw rocks at legal offices and court buildings. After a while, my aim got really good. It got so I could decide the outcome of a case by hitting the right lawyer on the first try, at least nine times out of ten."
"What happened the tenth time?"
"Usually, nothing much. After a while, lawyers and judges got so used to my hobby that I could hit a spot only a few hooves away from them, and they wouldn't even flinch.
But I did throw ONE miss I was quite unhappy about. Fortunately, my dear Celestia is an alicorn and is practically immortal."
Celestia gave Luna a dirty look. "So YOU'RE the one who half-wrecked the Castle of the Two Sisters?"
"I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. Well, I guess I didn't much hurt you, but I never meant to really annoy you by knocking down the castle's roof around your ears either."
Celestia sighed. "Well, I guess if I remember that you were always aiming for lawyers, I suppose I can maybe forgive you."
"While I was aiming for lawyers, that wasn't only as a public service," Luna admitted. "By attacking the legal system, I eventually caused so much disruption, ponies forgot they were supposed to regularly renew the spells binding me to the moon. A few hundred years later, I was able to get free!"
"But...you returned as an evil villain threatening everypony!"
"There was one thing I hadn't thought about, when I returned to Equestria. The spells binding me to the moon were gone. But there were other spells which hadn't weakened as thoroughly yet."
"Spells making you behave evilly? Oh, my poor, dear sister! To be forced to behave in such a manner!"
"No, illusion spells. As part of the triple-strength full custody award completely disrupting our mother-daughter relationship, illusion spells had been cast that would make me appear an evil monster."
"But when you finally returned to Equestria, you threatened me and kidnapped me! Threatened to destroy me!"
"They were very high quality illusion spells. Let me tell you, it's really annoying to watch illusion spells running around pretending to be you, doing all sorts of evil mischief in your name. And meanwhile, I was jumping up and down yelling, Look over here! That isn't me, this is me! But nopony could see or hear me."
"It does sound terrible. If perhaps not completely plausible."
"I guess I should understand if you don't fully understand, Celestia. After all, illusion spells nowadays aren't what they used to be."
"Why not?"
"Because for centuries, the most deceptive unicorn magicians, who were best at casting spells of illusion and brainwashing, and making other ponies believe their lies? They spent a lot of time arguing cases in court, where rocks kept falling on them. So eventually those particular Dark Arts lost all of their skilled practitioners."
"Ah, yes," remarked Celestia, "I must not forget your centuries-long efforts to reform Equestria's legal system. If that's what we should call your destructive rock-throwing hobby. But at least now I understand why our legal system was so unlucky for several centuries."
Luna said, "I'm so happy that you and your assistants finally thought to have the Elements of Harmony brought to bear on my case. Most divorce verdicts are the result of angry bickering. The verdicts are permanent embodiments of that bickering. So when you focus the forces of Harmony on them at full strength? It's like a friendship laser cutting through butter! Oh, I loved it so much, watching you destroy a thousand years of legal precedent!" Luna squealed with joy and clapped her hooves together.
Luna smiled benignly. "Since the Elements work so well on court judgements, I've been thinking about how useful they might be in international diplomacy. Not to mention wars. We could become practically invulnerable, if countries didn't even want to attack each other!"
Celestia's eyes filled with liquid pride. "That is a very good idea. I am so proud of you."
The ponies embraced, as Celestia said, "There's only one way I could be any prouder. If only I knew for sure you're really my mom."
"Wait the hay!" Luna said. "If only you knew for sure? What about the legal documents? Taking over an entire library to put me through tests that I passed with flying colors? I even knew what we had for dinner last Thursday!"
"You make a good case. But it still hasn't been proven."
Luna's eyes filled with steely determination. "I can think of one more way to show you the truth. If you say no to this plan, you'll be rejecting everything your reign is built upon."
In an open field outside Ponyville, chosen because it had no high-value, dangerously flammable buildings nearby, eight ponies stood in a circle, facing each other.
"Does everypony have her Element ready?" Luna asked.
The six Element Bearers nodded and agreed. Twilight Sparkle said, "I guess this test should be harmless? But it sure is different from what we're used to."
Pinkie hopped up and down with excitement. "After using these on baddies so many times, I'm happy we get to use these on a goodie for once! This should be really fun! I've already planned several different parties, depending on how this turns out!"
Celestia looked quizzically at the pink mare. "Several different?"
"Sure! The so happy you finally know who your mother is party! The so sorry your sister lied to you in the most elaborate prank ever and you don't think it's funny party! The your sister played an elaborate prank on you and you DO think it's funny party! And parties for several other outcomes, too!"
Celestia turned towards Twilight. "Should I ask?"
Twilight shrugged. "It's Pinkie. Everything she does, she probably has a good reason for? But getting a full explanation is so exhausting, it probably isn't worth it."
Luna said, "Does everypony understand the plan?"
Rarity cleared her throat. "You, Luna, claim that residual magic from a divorce settlement is still clouding your sister's mind, and blocking her memories of nearly everything from a thousand years ago. You also say the Elements of Harmony would restore your sister's memory."
Luna shrugged. "Close enough. The main thing is to use the Elements on Celestia."
Applejack eyed Luna suspiciously. "And you're SURE this can't hurt her?"
Celestia interjected, "Don't worry, Applejack, I'll be fine. Let's just do this, and then we can enjoy the...whatever kind of party we'll have afterwards."
Pinkie crowed, "I made fifteen different cakes, with different messages on them!" Her element started to glow.
Seeing Pinkie's element warming up, the other Bearers energized their elements too. After a spectacular sound and light show, ending with beams of powerful magic striking Celestia right in the face, the field became calm and silent.
Rainbow Dash looked around. "Nothing exploded! I don't know whether to be glad, or disappointed."
Fluttershy said, "Hush."
After a minute of silence, Celestia calmly said, "I remember everything."
Luna smiled. "You do? I am so happy!"
Luna moved to hug the Sun Princess, but Celestia dodged.
In a stern voice, Celestia scolded, "Mom, you are not getting off that easy! I remember everything! The time you missed my five hundred and twentieth birthday party! The time you abandoned dad and me for six months, to run away with those circus acrobats!"
"But they were so flexible!" Luna pleaded.
"The time you had an affair with Discord!"
"After so many years of marriage, you get tired of every day being so predictable and boring. YOU marry somepony for a few thousand years, see how you like it."
"The time you passed a law behind our backs, saying whenever a deer comes near any town, it has to wear a big red false nose and a clown wig!"
Luna laughed. "But it was so funny! And the clown wig industry needed the help."
"It's no wonder father divorced you!"
"Well, that stuffy old coot shouldn't have neglected his wife to spend years studying for law school! What pony in their right mind wants to be a lawyer anyway? And takes all the mind control magic electives? Somepony who's up to no good, that's who!"
Celestia and Luna kept bickering, while Fluttershy asked the other ponies a question. "Do you think we need to use the Elements again? I'm not sure the first time worked right."
Rarity shrugged. "They aren't killing anypony. They're just having a...frank discussion. Working through some issues. It's probably healthy. And if it gets too bad, we should be able to hear the explosions even if we're in Ponyville, so we'll know to come back here."
Twilight scratched her head. "So THAT'S why Pinkie wanted to do this in a deserted field away from town."
Pinkie grimaced. "That, and I didn't want anypony in town to have to hear all this yelling close up. Scenarios two, nine, twelve, and thirteen all get pretty noisy."
Rarity raised a hoof to her forehood. "All this shouting is giving me a headache. Pinkie, I hope whatever party you've planned includes plenty of wine. I could use some."
Pinkie grinned. "Let's go back to town and find out!" She led the way back to Ponyville, as the Bearers followed. Behind them, the princess' argument kept the countryside unpeaceful and unquiet. But there weren't any large explosions, so it was probably okay.
Author's Note
Hi Mom! MockingBirb lost the Mother's Day card again!*
I thought, this is a good day for a sweet, gentle little comedy piece, about motherhood and the benefits of Equestrian legal reform.
"Arachnography" is TOO a real subject! In Equestria, in my headcanon for this one story. It has something to do with spiders and writing or drawing, obviously.
There was a time when somepony could hardly consider herself educated if she didn't know how to write a properly illustrated letter to the Star Spider Empire, using at least two out of three major art styles.
As usual, my author's note is directly after my 1000+ words of story, in a place where it will be included even if you download this story from fimfiction.net as a text file.
*I'm in the Southern Hemisphere right now, so Mother's Day is shifted by six months.
