A-Proposal
A grey unicorn stallion sat behind the counter of Noble Barn Bookshoppe. His face slumped into his hoof as a strong tiredness came over him. The store was supposed to close hours ago, very few businesses in Canterlot were open at this horribly early hour of the morning. They weren't even open to the public, they'd only stay open until this hour for one very special guest.
Princess Twilight Sparkle rarely showed her face in public due to her status, it was typical for common ponies to mob the ruler of Equestria when she left Canterlot Castle accompanied by anything short of an escort of fully armed Royal Guards. Most matters could be easily done by one of her many royal servants, and for things like grocery shopping Twilight much preferred not having to do them, but shopping for books was a much different affair. She didn't want to simply send somepony to pick up new releases, she wanted to trot through the rows of bookshelves, silently inspect the back cover of anything that looked interesting, and enjoy the perks of buying her selection physically.
The purple alicorn trotted up to the front desk, a stack of books taller than a pony levitating in front of her.
"How are you, Crow?" She greeted the tired cashier while placing the books on the desk, "Hey, thanks again for keeping the store open late for me."
"No worries Princess, don't mention it." He smiled through an ever weary face, "Seriously, don't mention it. What we're doing is technically illegal since we don't pay operating taxes for- you're the Princess, I should not be saying this."
"I'll let it slide." Twilight laughed, "Besides, it's the least I can do since I am taking up your time." This statement made the tired cashier laugh.
"Please, with the kind of customers I get, you're a treat." He snickered, "I probably shouldn't complain, though."
"Oh come on, I never get in on the bookstore gossip nowadays!" Twilight prodded. An easy feat, it didn't exactly take much to get Crow's Nest talking about annoying customers.
With a slight remembering grin Crow took a book from under the desk and placed it on the counter. It was a blue thing with a picture of a mare in a dandelion crown on the cover under the words "A Midsummer's Spring". Twilight was familiar with the book and it's author, yet another trashy romance from the likes of Cloudy Course. Just the sight of the story alone was enough to get her laughing.
"The worst was when this hot pile of lit dropped. Picture the place full of mares old enough to be my mom, and every single one of them thinks it's okay to hit on the stallion at the counter."
"What the buck?!" Twilight laughed, "Well, at least now I know who he writes this crap for."
"Either that or my dashingly good looks drove them here." Crow put on a faux-macho voice, one he very much modeled after the likes of Prince Blueblood, "Suitors, am I right?"
"Ugh, don't remind me…" Twilight groaned, pulling up a seat so as to properly dish out her complaints, "So I left Cadance to do the Gala this year, and I guess that was a sore mistake, because she decided it should be 'Hearts and Hooves' themed… a mess, if you ask me. It's like she thinks everypony can just drop what they're doing and go get a boyfriend, some of us are princesses of things that actually exist!"
"I wouldn't think it would be too hard for you of all ponies to find somepony for yourself, right?" Crow asked in a confused tone, slowly checking out her books.
"Oh, every stallion from here to Manehattan wants to be my Prince." She said matter-of-factly, rolling her eyes, "Problem is they also want to stay my prince for longer than a Gala."
"Ponies do that, don't they? Stay far too long where they're not wanted?" Crow commented, wondering how long this conversation would last until he was able to close up shop and go to sleep, "Why not just bring a friend?"
"Fluttershy is going with Pinkie's sister Marble, Rarity and Blueblood are a thing now for some stupid reason, Applejack's bringing some mare from Rainbow Falls of all places, Pinkie is going with some stallion name Grilled Cheese or whatever, I don't think that one's gonna work out, and, Rainbow Dash is doing the Wonderbolts show for the Gala." Twilight listed, "Ugh, why does it have to be so hard to stay single? It's like the universe wants me to date or something, it's so messed up!"
Crow finished scanning the princess' books, placing them neatly into her saddle bag. Crow's Nest was aromantic, and while that didn't automatically bar a pony from having an interest in romance, he of all ponies absolutely understood the monarch's grievances. He had friends, of course, but romantic relationships held a place in his heart right next to dental work and politics.
"Hey, Crow, I think I might have an idea on how to deal with the Gala."
"Say Appleoosa declared war on Equestria?" He suggested all too quick, "Confusion'll be cleared up by the next morning, and if they actually do get mad and decide to secede… Well, it's Appleoosa."
"What? No. We could start hanging out, and I could just bring you." She suggested, much to the stallion's confusion.
"So I don't really know how you came to the conclusion I was hitting on you-" Crow spoke with wide eyes, still a bit taken aback by the suggestion, "-but I'm not exactly on the market, I'm not even close to the market. I'm in, like, the restaurant across the street."
"No, dumbflank! I meant we'll fake date for a bit, and I'll just take you!" Twilight explained, "Besides, you're pretty cute for a stallion but I'm more into guys who don't look like Frankenmare's Monster, and mares that don't look like Frankenmare."
"Slight offense taken on that last part, even if you did get their names right..." Crow sniffed, "But won't that plan be sort of obvious? I'm not much of an actor."
"All you have to do is sit back, stuff yourself with free food, and say something nice about me if anypony asks."
"I don't know," Crow faked hesitation, "I'll run out of nice things to say pretty quick."
"Oh ha ha ha…" Twilight rolled her eyes, laughing, "So you'll do it?"
"I'm living in the attic above a bookshop, you had me at free food." Crow agreed.
"It's a date then!" Twilight exclaimed, taking her stuffed saddle bag and heading towards the door, "We'll talk more later, 'new boyfriend'!"
With that, Crow closed up the shop and retired to his upstairs attic of an apartment. He was hesitant one the Princess' plan, of course, he never much liked social events. Still, he had told himself he'd finally get out more and he was determined to see that through. Besides, maybe going to the Gala with somepony like Twilight would have its perks.
The next morning Crow was trotting downstairs to do his normal opening routine when a loud voice suddenly broke his tranquility.
"Crow's Nest, the Canterlot Castle requests your presence!" A guardsmare standing behind the counter shouted in a traditional Royal Canterlot Voice. He knew this mare, she was his friend Daisy Dancer.
"Holy bits- Daisy? What in Celestia's name are you doing here?" He asked through a haze of tilted tiredness, "And why did you just shout in my face?"
"Cadance's name, actually… and sorry about the shouting, Shining Armour wants us to do the Royal Canterlot tone for the Gala." Daisy sighed, "Point is, you got called to the castle. What the buck did you do?"
"Nothing!" Crow swore, "I never do anything, how am I getting dragged to the castle?!"
"Don't look at me, man, I was just sent to get you."
Relenting, Crow left his bookshop with the guardsmare. His mind raced with worry, why in Equestria did Cadance send a Royal Guard to get him? Where was Daisy taking him, was he about to get interrogated? Arrested? Executed? Every passing glance from the ponies of Canterlot felt like a judging stare, every beat of his heart one closer to death or imprisonment. Perhaps sensing his obvious anxiety, Daisy looked to Crow.
"Relax, dude, if you were under arrest I'd have you in cuffs." She reasoned.
"What if it's a show?" Crow worried, "What if they want to make me disappear without anypony knowing?"
"Trust me, this isn't how we make ponies disappear." Daisy laughed.
"Okay…" Crow looked at his friend with concern, "Well now I'm worried about something entirely different-"
"Too bad, cause' we're here!" She cut him off as two stationed guardsponies opened the grand doors of the castle.
Daisy led Crow through many winding corridors, eventually finding a dark, windowless room in the heart of Canterlot Castle. She opened the door for him, gesturing to sit down on a stool in the center of the room.
"You, uh, you sure I'm not getting interrogated?" Crow asked nervously.
"All I said is this isn't how we make ponies disappear." Daisy shrugged, "Don't worry, I'll hang here too. If she tries to dismiss me that's probably not good, so get all peeved about it."
"Thanks for the advice…"
The pair slowly trotted inside, inspecting the room's creepy plainness. Crow took a seat as Daisy stood guard in a back corner of the room.
It wasn't long before the door opened again, through it trotting Princess Cadance accompanied by no guards. Instantly Crow's nerves came back to him, he was convinced that meant something bad was about to happen, something she wanted no witnesses for.
"Hello Private Daisy!" Cadance greeted the guard with a cheery voice, "And how wonderful it is to finally meet you, Crow's Nest!"
"Nice to- uh- nice to meet ya'- you too, Princess-" Crow stammered, greeting the royal with a quick bow.
"Is he alright?" Cadance questioned the guard in the corner of the room.
"Oh, he's just one of those ponies who gets a bit freaked out when you drag them to a weird secluded room in the center of a fortified castle. You know the type." Daisy answered.
"Oh! I see how that might be a bit nerve-wracking," Cadence giggled before turning her attention back to Crow, "You're not in any trouble dear, I just couldn't wait to meet my sister in law's new boyfriend! This is just the only private room somepony isn't using to prepare for the Gala."
"What?!" Daisy exclaimed with shock, "First of all… how?! And aren't you aromantic or something?"
"A romantic type I am in deed!" Crow lied, suddenly losing his nerves, "And a hopeless one at that, I admit!"
"Did the changelings take over or something…?" Daisy asked herself, looking around the room.
"I'd never have guessed!" Cadence beamed, completely ignoring Daisy, "In retrospect it makes perfect sense she'd date a bookseller, oh, it's so cute!"
"Yup, absolutely adorable!" Crow quipped, "It's like, uh, it feels like- y'know, you can feel it!"
"Oh how I love the feeling of love," Cadence smiled, putting her hoof to her chest, "Go on, describe it!"
"Like, uh, butterflies and…" Crow tried to think of how to describe something he'd never felt and only rarely thought about, "-Electricty, yeah, butterflies and electricity in my stomach."
"Wouldn't that hurt the butterflies?" Daisy blurted out from the corner of the room.
"Love hurts?" Crow guessed, "Yeah, it's like… flaming, electric butterflies and it hurts but, like, in a cool way!"
The smile dropped from Cadances face, the once cheery expression replaced by a look of annoyance.
"Crow, I'm the literal princess of love, I can tell you're not telling the truth." She explained, "I was hoping you'd come clean when faced with a princess, and yet you still chose to lie. Tell me, Crow's Nest, what are you doing with Twilight?"
Crow's face immediately turned white, then red with embarrassment. This had gotten way out of hand far too fast, what bucking part of him thought lying would be a good idea? Why in Celestia's name was he like this? Cadence probably thought he was some sort of coat-tail riding scumbag, nothing short of a quick merciful medical emergency could save him now. Well, that or telling the truth, but having a sudden heart attack felt much easier than talking at the moment.
"Uh, Princess?" Daisy interrupted, "There must be some kind of confusion. I've known Crow since we were foals, he's not the type to try and play royal. I mean, buck, as far as anti-royalists go he's pretty extreme-"
"Well what else could it be?" Cadence turned her attention to the guard, finally taking her dagger-like stare off of Crow, "It seems pretty clear to me what's going on. Granted, I'd think it would take a more charming suitor to trick her."
"She asked me to-" Crow finally spoke, a sigh of nervousness in his throat, "Twilight asked me to pretend to be dating her. I swear to Celestia, I'm not trying to use her, it was her idea from the start."
"Why in Equestria would she want somepony to fake date her?" Cadance asked with utter confusion.
"She told me she didn't want a relationship but she knew you didn't want her to come to the Gala alone, so she asked me to just pretend for a while." Crow admitted with a shrug. His voice was much calmer now than before, it was obvious to the princess that he wasn't lying.
"Oh, I hadn't thought I put too much pressure on her…" Cadance spoke with a concern in her tone, "In retrospect I might have been a bit heavy hooved, the balloons may have been a bit much-"
"Well, sounds like we'd better leave you to talk to Twilight about that!" Daisy interjected, sensing an emotional dialogue and taking defensive measures against it.
She pulled Crow from the room, leading him back through the winding corridors of the castle and into the streets of Canterlot. Despite serving under the crown and having to work around it daily, Daisy had always been under the impression that whatever the buck a sad princess was going through, they probably didn't need any easily fire-able company near them.
"Holy bits, thanks for saving my flank back there!" Crow breathed quietly, "I seriously owe you one!"
"You owe me a couple, buuut don't stress over it. " She laughed in response, "So, does this means you're free on the night of the Gala?"
"Huh, I guess I am." Crow realized, "I am the worst fake boyfriend, I'd try to act heartbroken, but we both know I can't do that!" The pair laughed, "I'm guessing you're about to ask me to the Gala?"
"Well, I was thinking more we party, y'know, get drunk, and eat free food until it gets boring, then we and a couple other guards sneak back to your place to play board games."
"A drunk board game night?" Crow smiled, "It's a date!"