Looking back...
I remembered that day in crystal clarity, the day when I heard Spitfire tearing those extravagant, golden wings away from that tattered uniform I was wearing. I could still hear that despondent, ripping sound that sliced through the thin air surrounding the Wonderbolt Academy, just like it sliced through a part of me.
It all happened so quickly. She looked at me right in the eye, with her unimaginably sturdy gaze. And then, just like that, in a matter of microseconds, it was gone, alongside my hopes, my dreams, and perhaps even my growth to who I was meant to be.
No matter how harsh her words were, no matter how much she yelled at me, they couldn’t hurt my spirit. Instead, that pain rang from her actions…there was something about them that crushed my optimism, my passion…
It was undeniable; I was so proud to equip that badge to show off to the other trainees in the Academy. I reminisced clasping onto that golden badge, pridefully examining the heftiness of it, the size, the shape, the dimensions of it...
But now, it’s gone…
But even with its absence, I realize something important. There was actually a reason why that badge felt so…heavy in my hooves.
That must have been deliberate. They must have designed it this way. It must be heavy for a reason.
You know, I now believe that the weight of it, the sheer density of it was designed to symbolize the responsibility that the bearer of this badge holds of the team.
And guess what? When Spitfire entrusted that responsibility to me, I didn't take it seriously…
So now, as I am looking back at my repugnant actions, my heart screams with regret and sorrow. There is a cry that emanates from within that extends to every inch of my skin, to every corner of my hooves that shames me. Even if you don’t believe a word of remorse that I utter through my lips, all I want you to know is that this experience…it simply hits me hard; it just hits me awfully hard.
Why couldn’t I have thought differently? There were so many ways I could have salvaged the situation, to show that I was active to shoulder that responsibility. I mean, I could have been more alert to the ramifications of my actions, I could have attempted to save the group from peril, I could have…
But no. I was not proactive, I was not even reactive, I was merely focusing on the task at hoof, indifferent to the plight of others.
Yes, we did succeed in clearing the sky in a matter of minutes. But to disregard the safety of others just for the sake of winning is just so incredibly…selfish…
A sigh audibly slips past my lips. You know, of all the times I could have recognized that, it must be now, now when I stand alone as a failed individual.
Isn’t it strange? When you are alone, surrounded by silence, undistracted by your surroundings, your mind is just so much clearer to ponder over it carefully; to judge, to critique, and to see your own actions in a different light.
Well, perhaps this is not the only factor. I did face that painful, heart-shattering moment that was the definite consequence of my selfish actions. I guess that’s true…
But what do I do now? My wings extend out into the azure sky with clouds wandering aimlessly around in almost a random mystery. Yet, in spite of how wide my wings go, my heart still seeps of that sourness of failure that only painfully reminded me that I couldn’t go beyond what I wanted to do.
I failed. No amount of talent I have could repay my sins. What good is a talented pony if their character led them astray?
I have made mistakes, and I have paid its price. But do I dare to give myself a second chance? Must I give up?
No. I can’t give up. Giving up is the simplest thing I could do and I can’t give in to that. I must be better than that, surely…
But now I stand alone, waiting for a door to open as the door behind me slams back into place.
And I fear that door will never open again.
But I will have to try. I have to start from somewhere and work my way out of my shameful past.
I have to start on a clean slate. I have to prove that I have changed, and changed for the better.
And even if it means that I have to go back to the Wonderbolt Academy, the place where I was unceremoniously kicked out from, to apologize, to admit my mistakes, to right my wrongs…I will have to do it.
I lean my body hard towards the right to turn back to the place whence I came, to confront my past actions.
As embarrassed as I may be, I will look up towards Rainbow Dash and…apologize. I suspect that she may not be as talented as me, but I have to look up to her courage in standing for what was right. She was willing to throw out her chance of becoming a full-fledged Wonderbolt when she felt that something wasn’t right. She stood fiercely loyal in what she believed in.
That, all that, is definitely something worthy of admiration.
As I could see the prestigious Wonderbolt Academy coming back into my view, I could feel a growing sense of doubt and concern lingering into my mind.
What if they are not willing to accept my apology? What if they feel that I come off as insincere? What if they…reject me again?
But you know what? I’ll still press on and apologize, because I know I will at least relieve the guilt that persists in my heart. But more importantly, I have to hold myself accountable for my own actions to ensure that this is a lesson well-learned.
So even if that door will not reopen…I could always build my own door and open it myself. I can surely chart my own path, decipher my own destiny, determine my inner self, and explore the world. If it must be done alone, then it will be done alone.
As I approach the brightly-lit runway, I inhale deeply before gliding down speedily to descend onto the tarmac below, hoping that they would let me back in.
But whatever their decision may be, I stand ready to react, for I know that I am in control of who I am and my destiny.