Cozy Glow's mother and father return from a long trip just before Twilight's coronation, and are understandably unhappy at being parents to a statue. Where have they been all this time, though? And how did their daughter turn out the way she did?
Cozy Glow's mother and father return from a long trip just before Twilight's coronation, and are understandably unhappy at being parents to a statue. Where have they been all this time, though? And how did their daughter turn out the way she did?
A complete redo of a fic I briefly started before deleting, this time featuring extra character development, a more coherent plot and less irritating narration. I hope this is a marked improvement on the original, because I really like this idea and want to explore it more.
“All quiet on the starboard side, dear! Port-to-centre, aft-to-bow… from the crow’s nest, can you see if ‘land ho’ be our destination?” A pink pegasus with a somewhat curly orange mane eagerly regaled her husband, who stood just above the mast.
“I told you before, darling… you know I don’t understand all that fancy ship speak. And by the sound of it, neither do you.” The good-humoured greyish earth pony clambered down from his vantage point, to join his beloved on the deck. “This might be our boat, but I hardly think we’re experienced enough to start talking like a pair of grizzled old sailors just yet.”
“I know, but it’s just so exciting! And after spending years on that distant island researching the flora, fauna and wildlife there, I can’t wait to reconnect with civilisation again!” The pegasus unwittingly revealed the reason for her eagerness, as if her partner didn’t already know.
“Now now, darling. You knew our work was essential to the preservation of all natural life. I told you we might be away for a while.” The stallion offered an interjection by way of simply stating facts.
“Yeah, yeah. ‘If we didn’t carry out this invaluable service, who knows what rare fungi and seaweed might be on the brink of extinction in the near future’.” His wife did an impersonation of him at his most monotone, and for all accounts it was a pretty good one. “I understand. And for what it’s worth, I totally agree with our goals. B-But when I think of what I might have missed out on whilst I was gone… the ponies I left behind… the sacrifices I made…”
“U-Um…” The stallion paled slightly upon seeing his usually jovial love on the verge of tears. But that was just her nature, changing moods on the flip of a bit in the blink of an eye. “O-Oh look, we’re nearly there. Well, wherever ‘there’ is, anyway. Let’s check the chart: we sailed past the Ghastly Gorge about an hour ago, and that large forest over there should be the Everfree. So all those houses over there probably means we’re nearly at…”
“...‘Ponyville’! I love it already! Coz, you know… we’re ponies and ‘ville’ rhymes with all kinds of cool words! You know, like… ‘thrill’, ‘brill’, ‘krill’... we saw a lot of them on our little island, didn’t we, Ocean Glow?”
“We sure did, Cozy Nights.” The stallion nodded smilingly at his gushing wife. Slightly bipolar ways aside, he couldn’t have wished to marry a more charming, thoughtful mare.
No matter what his stuck-up family might say to him.
Which they did. Repeatedly.
Unlike Cozy Nights, relocating somewhere far away for years had come as a blessed relief for the much put-upon conservationist.
Just to get away from them.
“Ready to disembark, me heartie? Women and children first. That means me, for your information!” Cozy Nights snapped Ocean Glow out of his temporary daydream with a friendly nudge to the withers. “What’s the matter, darling? Nervous about meeting creatures without fins or flippers for the first time in ages? Don’t worry… I’ll hold your hoof. And even do all the talking, If you like. In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m pretty good at that.”
Well, at least she knows her skillset… Ocean Glow pondered with a wry grin. I wouldn’t have her any other way.
………………………………….
“Hang on, are we sure this is Ponyville? I kinda thought they’d be more… ponies around.” Cozy Nights wondered aloud, as she and her partner trudged aimlessly around the abandoned streets.
“Hmm… yes, it is a bit strange that everything is so quiet.” Despite her often flippant nature, his wife did make the occasional good point. “There must be a reason behind all this emptiness. Maybe there’s some kind of big event scheduled that we’re not aware of? After all, we have been gone for a while now.”
“Hmph! Who do they think they are… leaving town the very second we come ashore?!” Cozy Nights exclaimed in annoyance, as though taking the desolation personally. “Don’t they see how far we’ve travelled to get here today? Don’t they know how long we’ve been away? At the very least, I expected a conversation with another pony that wasn’t you for a change, but I suppose even that’s out of the question. No offense, dear.”
“None taken, I assure you. And, if you don’t mind me saying so darling, I think you’re being a trifle unfair. What did you expect to be waiting for us… a full welcoming committee? We’re not that well known around these parts... h-hey, where did you go?!” Ocean Glow suddenly realised he was talking to thin air, and glanced about frantically to try and locate his absent wife.
Not that he was too worried. Going walkabout at randomly inopportune moments was quite normal behaviour for her.
“Coo, would you look at this!” The stallion finally tracked his errant partner down a few feet away, where she gazed up in awe up at a giant stone monolith. “This has to be the most terrifying statue I’ve ever seen! Just staring at these three ghoulish faces brings me out in goosebumps: I must know who the sculptor is. Maybe we can commission him to do one of your mother…”
“Very funny, my love.” A smirking Ocean Glow half-heartedly chastised his wife, but notably he didn’t correct her. “Let’s see… there’s an inscription here. I’ll read it aloud, shall I?”
‘THIS MONUMENT TO DISHARMONY IS CURRENTLY ON TOUR ALL OVER EQUESTRIA, REMINDING EVILDOERS AND VILLAINS ALIKE THAT THE SPIRIT OF FRIENDSHIP WILL NEVER BE CONQUERED. MAY FUTURE GENERATIONS LEARN AND NEVER REPEAT THE MISTAKES OF TIREK THE TERRIBLE, CHRYSALIS THE CRUEL AND…’ “a-a-and…”
“What’s the matter, dear? Your stammer hasn’t come back again, has it? I told you to try those breathing exercises before opening your mouth, but you never listen to me, do you?” Cozy Nights frowned at her gibbering husband, having no trouble expressing herself at least.
“L-l-look a-at t-the…” Ocean Glow was quite unable to say any more, so simply gestured with one trembling hoof at the uppermost figure of the statue, just above the changeling queen and centaur.
“Okay darling, I get it. Geez, it’s only a little pony. Why are you acting so s-scared…” Cozy Night’s nonchalant mood was quickly dashed upon closer inspection of the small figure laid out before them, it’s face forever twisted into a grotesque mask of terror.
The plentiful dimples were all exactly in the right places.
The curled hair was just like she’d used to perm it.
The cutie mark was new, some kind of obscure chess piece…
Aside from that, there was basically no doubt…
This was the baby they’d lost years ago…
All grown up, looking very hard, and very grey.
“Cozy Glow?!”
……………………………….
Later, several hundred miles away in Canterlot...
“...Testing, testing...1, 2, 3…” A very dapper-looking Spike stood onstage, reciting a mantra of words and numbers into an oversized microphone lowered specifically for him. “Oh dragon, my dragon…”
It was a matter of minutes before the climatic moment of Twilight’s ceremonial coronation was about to start on that special sunny day in Canterlot, and completely against expectations everything so far had proceeded quite smoothly.
Which, if you’ve any idea of the ponies’ history of messing up big events, can be classified as a minor miracle.
Rarity had outfitted all the major players for the function, showing off her full range of sartorial talents… Applejack’s catering menu made up for taste what it lacked in variety (guess what the main ingredient was?)... Rainbow Dash’s pre-show aeronautics display featuring all the Wonderbolts had gone down a treat… even Fluttershy’s performing animals had stayed on stage and not tried to run off upon hearing the raucous crowd noises.
It was a tough act to follow Cheese Sandwich and Pinkie Pie’s one-off performance together (particularly as, at the end of thirty minutes of relentless frivolity and fun, they’d announced their romantic relationship together which’d really brought the house down) but Spike was determined not to be outshone. Even if his duties mainly consisted of introducing the day’s special guests…
...And a fuzzy mike reception wasn’t exactly helping matters.
“Oh darn it, I can’t get the right settings on this thing!” The irritated dragon growled, fidgeting around with the device to no avail. “I sound like I’ve got a frog in my throat! If everyone hears me like this, it’ll ruin everything! All the preparations, all the pomp… wrecked because I didn’t test the equipment properly pre-show! I knew everything was going too well!”
“Psst, Spike… What are you doing? Why are you still fiddling around with that thing?! I’m ready to go up any second and I’ve told you a million times already: I don’t want to wear this dress, beautiful though it is, any longer than I have to!” An understandably nervous Twilight peeked her head out from the curtain behind the scaly emcee, her movement noticeably more constrained than usual.
“Oops, sorry Twi. When I gave Rarity your measurements last week, I didn’t realise they were from when you were a unicorn! I was so busy arranging my own speeches for this evening, I completely overlooked the difference!” Spike finally understood the old Weather Pony saying: ‘It never rains, but it pours’. “...And now, I can’t even get this stupid piece of junk to work! I bet you regret giving me such an important role now. Y-you can be honest, I don’t mind.”
“Nonsense, Spike! Nocreature could do a better job than my Number One Assistant of making tonight a success! I won’t hear you talk yourself down like that anymore, either!” Despite feeling like her insides were being crushed a little with every step, Twilight bravely staggered forward to envelop the sniffling Spike in one of her comforting hugs. “Rarity also didn’t catch on, probably for the same reason you didn’t… putting too much pressure on yourselves to make everything perfect! Well, I happen to think perfection is overrated! Do you remember the first Grand Galloping Gala me and the girls attended, soon after we arrived in Ponyville?”
“Y-Yeah…” Spike wiped a stray tear away before nodding, though he’d actually spent most of the night at the bar. “Kinda.”
“We put too much emphasis on trying to have a foolproof evening, instead of just letting our manes down and having a good time. And, you know what…?“ Twilight proffered her intently listening subject with a subtle wink. “It was absolutely terrible. An unmitigated disaster. If we’d just relaxed and not taken it so seriously, I’m sure it wouldn’t have turned out half as bad. You see the lesson here now, don’t you?”
“E-Er… I think so?” Spike scratched the bottom of his chin thoughtfully, before responding with a question of his own. “But, didn’t Celestia like how it ended? Didn’t she say it was a nice change of pace, from all the stuffiness from years past?”
“We got lucky. I don’t think she’d accept that level of unbridled chaos every gala. Her name isn’t ‘Discord’, after all.” Twilight dared sneak a peek in the VIP section at one of the two illustrious rulers she’d soon be stepping into the horseshoes of. She was laughing at something her sister had told her however, and so paid their future successor no mind. “Hmm, since when did Luna get so funny? I hope they’re not gossiping about me…”
“Hmm? Twi? Did you say something else?” Spike was still pondering the moral of his mentor’s tale when he saw her agitated face. “Uh-oh. I know that expression. You’re about to ‘Twilight’ again, aren’t you? Do I need to fetch the rest of the girls again, to give you another pep talk about how everything’ll be alright and why all your problems are just in your head?”
“W-What do you mea… no, I feel fine! It’s all fine!! Seriously! Don’t worry about me!” Twilight spun around at light speed to reassure the dragon, but her uncontrollably twitching left eye told a different story. “Why is it, whenever I try helping you out with a difficulty, you end up teaching me something valuable as well? You’ve noticed that too, right?”
“I guess that means we compliment each other well.” Spike shrugged his shoulders by way of a response. “You, the neurotic librarian destined to be a great leader, as crazy as it sounds. Me, the snarky ‘sidekick’ who’ll grow up to be your most valued and loyal adviser. I learned to fly already, so it seems the most logical step, don’t you think(!)”
“Oh Spike, don’t ever change. I mean, you might get bigger one day and your voice may sound different with age, but as long as your loving heart stays the same, I don’t think any of that matters.” Twilight went in for another hug, and this full-on embrace involved her wings too… so when Spike eventually replied, his voice sounded somewhat muffled.
“Hey, when it comes to size, I have a feeling both of us are gonna go through some slight… modifications in the future.” Spike said smugly through the feathers, based on the maturation process of the other alicorns he knew. “But don’t worry… even if I didn’t have all the future perks of a top job in the royal court to look forward to, like free lava baths and all the gems I can eat, I’d still stay by your side ‘til the bitter end. After all… isn’t that what ‘True, True Friends’ do?”
“Wait. Your contract doesn’t state anything about…” Twilight exclaimed, before a cheeky grin from her scampish companion cut her short. “Oh, you! Well, I’ll see what I can do. Wouldn’t want to show any excessive favouritism to anycreature, would I? Even if they did deserve it. At least you’ve just demonstrated that you paid some attention to my friendship lectures over the years. And there was me thinking you just snored through most of them…”
Listen? I helped edit most of them! Thousands upon thousands of pages thrown away! It’s a good job I know where the recycling bin is! These were Spike’s initial thoughts just then, but he wisely decided this was a debate for another day, now that the ‘big moment’ was swiftly approaching.
“Anyway, are you sure it’s okay if I sound a bit weird through this mike? I mean, I don’t want to detract from the occasion.”
“Spike, did you see anycreature else here bothered when you introduced our friends to the stage? I know this is a bit rich coming from me, but try not to let small things like that get you down, ‘kay?” Twilight finally disentangled herself from Spike’s personage, but not before giving him a firm pat on the back for good luck. “You got this. You’ve carried out your role impeccably so far, and I see no reason why that can’t continue. Go get ‘em, champ!”
‘Champ’?! What’s that supposed to… But Spike had no more time to dwell on Twilight’s strange choice of words. She’d popped back behind the curtain, Octavia’s orchestra was in full voice, the mixed crowd went silent with anticipation and he realised one of the defining moments of his short life was now here.
Right. This is it, Spikey Wikey. No running away. No backing out. No hiding under the covers with a flashlight and a heap of special edition comics. It’s time to show them the old Spike, the one who never took anything seriously and made sardonic comments about everything and everyone is long gone. This is the new me. Strong. Resilient. Ready to take on my new responsibilities and run with them. Get ready world, you’re not gonna know what’s hit you…
The passion and commitment were there. The things he needed to say were clear in his head. Everything was set up so well…
The optimism lasted all of half a second.
“H-hi…” Was all the determined dragon was able to squeak out, before he was unceremoniously bundled to the floor by a diving pegasus.
Cozy Nights stood unapologetically over his dazed form as she took possession of the microphone, her pleasantly smiling moon Cutie Mark in direct contrast to her angry words.
For a few hallowed seconds after Cozy Nights’s surprise appearance, there was stunned silence.
You could’ve heard a pin drop. And a few actually did, as a shocked Derpy in the background was distracted from putting up posters advertising the ‘Big Coronation Party’ the following day.
That was all it lasted, before absolute chaos took over. (Speaking of chaos, poor Discord missed out on the fun as it’d been leaked to the press he was responsible for the recent bad guy team-up and subsequent windigo incident. Currently holed up alone in Limbo, he ‘wasn’t taking any calls’. Whatever that meant.)
First, Twilight’s security ponies, embarrassed at being caught on the hop so visibly, made a combined rush for the trespassing pegasus...
Then the crowd, desperate to view the emerging hubbub on stage, began pushing and shoving each other until mini-riots began breaking out everywhere...
Finally, the future alicorn ruler herself seemed oddly static behind the stage curtain. It was almost as if things had been going too well: an interruption of this magnitude was bound to happen if you studied past history.
Which she did. To often obsessive degrees.
Still, Twilight couldn’t let her overworked guards handle a situation she could take care of all by herself. Or allow members of the public to be hurt in the process.
And she certainly couldn’t permit her favourite dragon to be treated so shabbily by a total stranger. His own friends had neglected him enough in the past, now was supposed to be the time to make everyone aware of his true value with a big fancy promotion ‘n all.
Like most best laid plans though, his big occasion hadn’t exactly gone the way she wanted. Which ticked her off far more than having her own crowning gatecrashed.
“Everycreature! Stop what you’re doing this instant!” Twilight finally took initiative and used her magic to hold both Cozy Nights and the soldiers about to jump the intruding pegasus, whilst her ubiquitous Canterlot Voice had the desired effect of reducing the formerly rambunctious crowd to motionless slack-jawed listeners.
“Thank you…” the unperturbed alicorn shook her head at the unruliness, before turning her attention to the new arrival. “Now, let’s see if we can’t unpick this mess. Who are you, and why did you see fit to flatten my assistant with such unnecessary force? What’s he ever done to you? Is it something to do with your daughter…?”
“Twi, I swear! I’ve never seen this mare in my entire life, least of all have anything to do with her family!” Ever the peace-loving dragon, Spike vehemently protested his innocence as he got off the ground. “Does she think I hurt her daughter, or something?”
In direct defiance of both Twilight and Spike’s queries, Cozy Nights purposefully turned her face in the opposite direction to audibly humph. “I’m not answering any of your stupid questions, until you take me to my Precious. You can torture me, throw me in jail or even sing off-key, and I won’t crack an inch. Come on, you monsters… do your worst! One time, I accidentally cut my hoof on some underwater coral. I was attacked by a shark, but escaped by drinking my own blood! That stupid fish couldn’t smell a thing! So go on, try to break me. I”m w-w-a-aiting...”
Spike and Twilight glanced at each other in astonishment. Torture? Jail? Drinking blood?! They’d never met anypony quite like Cozy Nights, and didn’t quite know how to respond to her deranged rant.
Twilight was the first to respond to Cozy Night’s miniature meltdown, but before she could fully process the speech she wanted to give about the lack of awareness of mental illness…
...Guess who appeared on the scene frantically waving his hooves around, like a hyperactive windmill?
“Stop!! I’m so sorry about my wife, but Cozy Glow always was a difficult subject for her, even whilst we were away. If things had worked out differently, our child might’ve joined us on our international mission across the sea to preserve all endangered marine life. B-But alas, things didn’t turn out that way…”
“Hang on.” Twilight couldn’t help but cut in, after hearing the big revelation. “D-Did you just tell me…”
“...That you’re Cozy Glow’s parents?” Spike felt he was owed the chance to ask first, considering he was obviously the most injured individual here.
“That’s right!” Ocean Glow grinned happily at the mere mention of his filly, demonstrating a complete lack of knowledge regarding recent events. “Where is the little munchkin, anyway? We couldn’t believe it when we spotted that statue of her just after sailing in! We thought she’d gone forever! What’s with the dramatic inscription, though? Did she break a window, or something? Even though me and my wife are flat broke right now, I’m sure we can get jobs to pay you back, just as soon as we’ve readjusted to civilization again.”
Well, this was an unexpected turn. If J.K Yearling had thought of this plot twist, her publisher would’ve edited it out for general release for being too far-fetched.
Once more Spike and Twilight turned to share a look, though this one was noticeably longer than their last silent interaction.
Somecreature was gonna have to tell him the awful truth.
...And by extension his wife, currently suspended in the air whispering obscenities under her breath to the equally frozen guards.
Wouldn’t that be fun.
Unlike earlier however, this was one task Spike was more than happy to delegate to his equine ‘superior’, and his pointing claw gesture said as much.
Deciding that there was no time like the present, it was with a deep sigh that Twilight at last released her bodyguards and Cozy Nights from their lavender prison. She waited until the pegasus mare had rejoined her husband, before preparing to deliver the solemn news.
“I’m very sorry to have to tell you both this, but a lot has happened since you’ve been away. It all started one day. I was just sitting at my desk doing paperwork, when a shrill voice from the ground introduced itself. It was a young filly, holding up what I now know to be forged permission slips from her parents allowing her to attend my School Of Friendship. Her name was…”
……………………………………….
“You mean to tell me… that ‘statue’ in Ponyville with my daughter posed alongside those two heathens looking terrified, isn’t a sculpture? It’s actually her??!!”
Twilight had wisely decided to suspend coronation proceedings until this unfortunate matter had been cleared up. As the crowd had temporarily dwindled to get a drink or snack, Celestia and Luna had joined her, Spike and Cozy Glow’s parents backstage.
The presence of the legendary Princesses hadn’t seemed to overawe a furious Cozy Nights though, who continued to vent even as her husband remained taciturn and aloof.
“I don’t care what she allegedly did! To treat a child in that way is cruel, barbaric… and just plain wrong! It’s all wrong! Is this what the mainland has become in our absence? Because, if this is your idea of ‘society’, maybe permanent solitude on a desert island isn’t such a bad idea after all!”
While Twilight and her royal companions struggled to respond to that impassioned rant with any kind of diplomacy, Spike had no such scruples. Unlike his other friends, he wasn’t out to sugarcoat anything to try making the new arrivals feel better, and he demonstrated this clearly as soon as he was given the chance.
“Are you kidding me, lady? Cozy Glow nearly ended us all! Twice! She’s never displayed the slightest regret for any of her actions, and is the most manipulative and twisted pony it’s ever been my displeasure to meet. As throwing her in Tartarus didn’t work, maybe petrifying her forever will keep her out of trouble and teach others a lesson…!”
Whether it was Cozy Nights’s unprovoked physical assault of him before that made Spike so unusually candid, or hearing such wild claims made by the mare without any of the normal pushback from Twilight, Spike was unrepentant in his scorn for the filly.
But whilst Twilight seemed shocked by the intervention of her commonly mild-mannered assistant, and Cozy Nights seemed ready to launch herself at him again (it was okay though: he’d be ready to counter with fire-breath this time) another well-known figure stepped forward.
“What Spike has just said may be harsh, but it is nevertheless true. It was the right decision to encase Cozy Glow in stone to keep Equestria safe.” Celestia laid it on the line, seeing as the dragon had done the dirty work in explaining how most of them felt. “We’re very sorry it had to be this way, but frankly her, Chrysalis and Tirek’s unconscionable actions left us with little option but to pursue such a drastic measure.”
“Yes. I sensed not a hint of remorse in the head of that child. She’d repeat her evil actions again and again until successful, if we hadn’t taken the course we did.” Now it was Luna’s turn to have her say, and her thoughts mostly echoed that of her sister. “I am of the view that even spending a thousand years on the moon wouldn’t convince her to change her ways. And as you probably are aware, I am uniquely qualified to comment on such matters.”
“I-I have to concur with my fellow Princesses.” Twilight seemed the most hesitant of the trio, but went along with the groundswell of opinion regardless. “You weren’t here when she fooled us all into believing her lies. Or nearly stole the magic from everycreature, rendering them helpless. Or turned everypony against each other, so we almost never spoke again. Or tried killing us with alicorn powers she had no right to possess. Where were you while all this was going on, anyway? I know you mentioned something about conservation work on a desert island, but why was your daughter not with you? As her mother and father, you have serious questions to answer yourself as to why she wasn’t supervised and how she turned out the way she did.”
Once Twilight was on a roll, the questions had just slipped out. But they seemed to have a profound effect on both Cozy Nights and Ocean Glow.
Cozy Nights suddenly stopped her aggressive posturing to stare down at the floor with shame, whilst her quiet husband seemed to take this as a cue to at last open his mouth.
“While Cozy Glow always had… problems since birth, we never imagined it would look out like this.” Ocean Glow shook his head with sorrow, and even the light emitting from his Cutie Mark of the sun rising over a calm sea seemed to fade in unison with his mood. “I suppose we both owe you an explanation as to what happened. It began one clear blue day in Manehattan around a decade ago, when I’d just sailed into port for the first time in months and laid eyes on the most beautiful mare I’d ever seen…”
“Sheesh! Are we really doing this now? We still have a coronation to conclude y’know, and I can’t wait to ‘break in’ my new bed at the castle. It’s super-plush, with extra-thick blankets for the winter, and so sturdy! It won’t be long ‘til I’m ‘bouncing’ with excitement on it…”
“Spike!!” Twilight frowned at her interrupting reptilian friend. “In case you hadn’t noticed, this is pretty important. And if you happen to ‘break’ your bed whilst ‘breaking it in’, I won’t be paying for a new one. Just imagine sleeping on the cold, hard floor for an entire year, before you get too carried away with your trampoline antics!”
Phooey. An annoyed Spike grumbled at the mild reprimand, before changing the subject back to the present. “It’s just… I thought we were gonna hear about the origins of Cozy Glow, not how this weird couple met. No offence, but this is why I never buy any comics with romantic storylines. Too mushy for me, and they always get in the way of the main action.”
Twilight again rolled her eyes at her assistant’s insubordination, but strangely enough Ocean Glow seemed quite amused by it all. Sizing the dragon up (not that there was much to take in) the stallion continued to talk, this time with a tad more levity.
“Oh, I know exactly what you mean, little one! I’d always spent my early life having adventures at sea, and settling down was the very last thing on my mind. As the sole heir of Manehattan’s biggest shipping company, I suppose it’s only natural I thought my destiny was out there in the open waves delivering goods from towns to cities. But life has a funny way of navigating you off course, as I discovered on that fateful day....”
Here we go again… Spike internally sighed in defeat, realising that no matter how much he tried distracting Ocean Glow from his merry shanty, the lovestruck stallion would always find a way to return to the beginning. Might as well roll with it. Anything’s better than being stared at on stage with thousands upon thousands of eyes burning a hole through your head, at least.
…………………….
“Hey! Ocean Glow! Stop watching the seagulls excreting on my poop deck, and look at me! I’m gonna teach you how to tie this reef knot, if it’s the last thing I do!”
Hmm? Ocean Glow halted his daydreaming temporarily to glance at the captain of the vessel, who stood close by with a long piece of fabric in his hooves.
“Let me guess, father. You want to show me the ‘ropes’? Do you like that joke? I’ve been working on it ever since we came aboard!”
“That was over a week ago, son! You mean to tell me, instead of learning how to swab the decks, raise the flag and preserve the rations, you’ve been working on your one-liners?! Good sailors swear, drink rum and never shave: you seem more intent on becoming a stand-up comedian. And what’s this I hear about you refusing to let the crew fish for extra food…?”
“It’s just so boring out here, dad!” Ocean Glow groaned, having already heard this lecture roughly a million times already. “Nothing to do apart from eat black bread, get seasick, apologise to the pony looking out the porthole who it landed on…”
“Son, don’t try getting out of this by telling stupid jokes! Why did you tell everypony they weren’t allowed to cast their nets to get some extra tuck?”
“Not that you’d care, but remember that I took a course in Marine Biology just before leaving school. It’s about the only thing sea-related that interests me. Do you have any idea how many endangered species we catch in those nets every year, alongside the usual salmon and tuna? I hardly think it’s worth permanently damaging the ecosystem, just to fill our bellies.” Ocean Glow regaled his father with the inconvenient truth of his disregard for the environment. “Also, those empty bottles of rum we throw overboard are a major pollution hazard for plants and animals that dwell on the sea bed…”
“Right, that’s it! I’ve had just about my fill of your lily-livered protests of our way of life! In case you haven’t noticed, ponies control Equestria and it’s waters: not brainless sea-creatures! If a few of them go extinct in our pursuit for proper nourishment during long voyages, then that’s just too bad! Nature should’ve made more of them, so it’s not our fault. Also, it’s a wide ocean out there. So we chuck a bit of trash into it every now and then. Big deal! I’m not gonna lose a wink of sleep if a patch or two of seaweed gets affected, or a crab happens to step on some glass. It’s survival of the fittest, Private!”
“ ‘Private’? B-But isn’t that an army rank…?” Ocean Glow blinked at his father, understandably confused.
“It doesn’t matter where it came from, only what it implies.” The elder seapony growled at his only son balefully, just about keeping his notorious temper in check. “You are no longer my second-in-command! Not until you buck your ideas up, and start concerning yourself about events up here instead of down below. Now, stop catching flies with your mouth and get back to work, if you know what that is. You’re just lucky we’ll be sailing into port within a few hours, or I’d flog you to within an inch of your life for this latest breach of protocol! Celestia knows what your mother will say when I tell her…”
“W-What? No, please don’t! Anything, but that. Lock me in the dungeon until we get to land, but don’t tell mother! Please Dad, I’m begging you…” For some reason, the thought of his mum hearing about his disobedience was enough to break Ocean Glow into a cold sweat.
“That’s CaptainAnchors Aweigh to you, Private Ocean Glow! Another word out of you, and I’ll make you walk the plank! Now straighten up, and fly right!”
“W-Wha…”
“That’s sailor slang, for ‘stop acting like a jackass’, Private! But why should I expect any less, from the pony that thinks the brig on board is called a dungeon(!) You know, sometimes I have doubts you’re my son at all. A few of the crew are urging me to take a ‘DNA test’. Whatever that is. Anyway, try not embarrassing the family too much until we reach the shore. It’s a tough ask I know, but the very least you could do is not make the one who helped bring you into this world look like a total putz. Think you can handle that, for just a single morning? At ease.”
That’s rich, coming from the guy who talks more like an army sergeant than a seapony. Ocean Glow obeyed his exiting father’s command on the surface, but retained his rebellious streak in his thoughts. At least he didn’t give me the whole ‘you’re a disgrace to a long line of sea pioneers’ spiel again. If I ever hear that stupid speech recited verbatim in my poor ears again, I’ll… I’ll…”
Ocean Glow’s musings were cut short by sniggering all around him, and he realised with horror that the rest of the crew had stopped to eavesdrop every angry word exchanged between him and his dad. And didn’t they just love it?
“S-Show’s over now, okay? Return to your duties at once, and leave me in peace.” Ocean Glow tried putting on a tough expression, but it more resembled the kind of face one makes when swallowing an extra-large helping of cough medicine.
The assorted scallywags aboard weren’t having none of it, either. “What are you gonna do about it, chump? You’re not in charge of us anymore. So if I were you, I’d keep my mouth shut.” One member sneered petulantly, getting right in Ocean Glow’s personal space.
“I just can’t wait to bring in a massive catch of delicious fish later. With some extra dolphin and whale-meat thrown in for added vitamins. Mmm mmm mmmmmm! All the protein a growing pony needs!” A particular arrogant sailor with an eyepatch licked his lips, before prodding Ocean Glow for good measure.
“Oh look! A day’s worth of garbage, about to be cast into the deepest blue. Oh, no! Won’t somepony please think of the ittle wittle oysters below?!” Another bandana-clad stallion decided to antagonise an increasingly angry Ocean Glow further, by threatening to tip a barrel full of rubbish overboard just to spite him...
...Which proved to be the final straw for his fraying temper.
“Give those to me now!” An apoplectic Ocean Glow launched himself at the potential litterbug, and an impromptu tug-of-war soon followed, with virtually everypony present cheering on the unnamed sailor, and nopony at all rooting for the Captain’s son.
Aside from Mother Nature. Maybe.
“What are you brainless manatees up to now?” Speaking of the Captain, he emerged from his quarters looking quite irate at having a fun time with his favourite compass disrupted. “If any of you scurvy-ridden sardines have gone for a dip without my permission again, I’ll…”
But that was all he had a chance to say, before Ocean Glow’s sneaky opponent purposefully released his grip on the barrel, so the amateur sailor staggered backwards with it…
Emptying pretty much the entire contents over his father’s nice, clean uniform. Oh dear.
Not knowing quite what to say, Ocean Glow stammered and stuttered by means of an explanation. “I-I’m really sorry Dad, but it was an accident. If you really want to blame somepony, it was the guy who started it by teasing me…”
“Not another word. Not. One. More. Word.” Captain Anchors Aweigh sounded absolutely furious, even by his usual high standards. “It’s always you, isn’t it? And why is it always you? Because you’re utterly useless, that’s why! Now your mother is going to be cross with both of us! She only just pressed these clothes fresh before we set out, and now I’m probably going to have to throw them out! Happy now…?!”
“F-Father, I-I…” Ocean Glow tried making amends, which wasn’t easy when the rest of the crew around him silently mocked his plight.
“Enough! You know what, Private? I think I will take you up on your earlier offer, and confine you to the brig until we reach land. At least you won’t be able to sink the ship in there. Or in your case, I just don’t know. It’s the safest thing I can do for now though, so you are dismissed. Unless, you’d like a couple of my burlier officers to make sure you get there in one piece…(!)”
“Okay, okay! I’m going! I’m going!” Ocean Glow was quick to accede to the Captain’s demands, glad as he was to get away from all this madness. “But one last thought. Have you ever noticed, you run this vessel more like a pirate ship than a merchant vessel? Only hiring the cheapest of seaponies, which is baffling when you consider how wealthy we are. Maybe, you could give them all raises…?”
“I-I said, go!” A clearly nervous Ocean Glow’s father threw a banana peel at his son that’d landed on his shoulder from the barrel (Polly the parrot, who used to loyally perch there, had sadly died of overeating crackers last Spring) but it missed by a whisker.
Taking the chance for a quick retreat, Ocean Glow wasted no more time in galloping off to the brig to slam the door behind him in haste.
There was no point in locking it. After all, he had no intention of rejoining everypony else until they were safely back on terra firma once more.
Although, how ‘safe’ he’d remain with his terror of a mother soon to be on the warpath was another matter.
Shaking his head with worry, he fetched a candle from the table and retrieved a hidden non-fiction book from a loose plank underneath the bunk (this was by no means his first time held prisoner for some perceived misdemeanour).
It was his only real pleasure on board, so he read just one chapter for each day he spent as a captive to make it last as long as possible.
Now he was on chapter one-hundred and two. Go figure.
“Seals may be cute, but there’s so much more to them than that. These cuddly blubbery mammals can digest nearly their own weight in fish every day… wow, amazing!” He read aloud with enthusiasm, knowing there was nopony around to hear him.
In fact, come to think of it, there was nopony on Equestria who cared for him much at all.
Still, that could change any second.
“And indeed it did, for a few hours later, when I met the love of my…”
………………………….
“Hmm… munch, munch… this is pretty good stuff, isn’t it? ...crunch, crunch… And by that, of course I mean both your story, and this delicious caramel-smothered popcorn I found just lying around outside. What are the chances, huh? Well, don’t stop on my account… you were just getting to the best part!”
“What… Pinkie?!” Everypony absorbed in the story reacted at the same time to the sudden appearance of the certified funster (or certifiable, depending on who you asked), aside from Ocean Glow and Cozy Nights, who didn’t have a clue what was going on.
“Pinkie, you know darn well that popcorn was meant to be for the big feast later!” Twilight frowned, examining the sticky mane and messy mouth of her party friend with considerable annoyance. “...And where’s Rainbow Dash? I asked her to watch you, while I dealt with this situation. The last thing we need is your irrelevant nonsense while I’m trying to get to the bottom of this.”
“Last time I checked, she was rolling on the floor laughing. Is there an acronym for that? I don’t know. Anyway, I think Cheese Sandwich might be keeping her occupied with some of his best gags. This was an entirely spontaneous decision by him, and never a carefully-organised and brilliantly-executed escape plan by me in any way. Honest. ” Pinkie’s eyes flit from side-to-side suspiciously for a second, before she settled down to sit uninvitedly alongside Twilight. “Anyway... come on Ocean-something! I love a good romance story! As long as they have happy endings. This.. does have a happy ending, right? Pinkie Promise?”
“E-Er, kinda?” A nonplussed Ocean Glow was not sure how to react to the eccentric newcomer. Dealing with Cozy Nights’s idiosyncrasies is one thing, but this? I’m a marine biologist, not a trained psychiatrist…
“Don’t make a Pinkie Promise! Don’t make a Pinkie Promise!!” Almost every creature present, including the Princesses and Spike, unexpectedly jumped on Ocean Glow to stop him answering further, and possibly making the biggest mistake of his life.
“Hmm. Seeing as how my beloved is temporarily incapacitated, maybe it’s my turn to tell you how we met that wonderful, perfect, magical day!” Like it or not, Cozy Nights took the lull in proceedings as a chance to have her say. “Things were never easy for me growing up in Manehattan. My father left us when I was a mere foal… and my mother, though kind, found it difficult to cope with my various ‘issues’. But even though we were poor, we loved each other very much and were blissfully happy! Things took an unexpected turn back then however, when me and my sister took a short walk to the docks to see if there were any odd-jobs we could do to earn some much-needed bits. She wouldn’t let me go alone, you see...”
“Cozy Nights, wait up!” A yellow pegasus with a bluish straight mane flew after her younger sibling on the ground, worry clear in her voice. “You know mother doesn’t like it when you wander off! Stay close, or we’ll have to go back!”
“Catch me if you can, Star Shine!” The far more carefree cry of Cozy Nights could be heard, as its owner galloped through the backstreets into the distance. “If you can’t even fly as fast as I can run, how will you ever make the cut for the Wonderbolts?”
“Y-You had to bring that up, didn’t you?” Star Shine growled from the air, her sister’s words hitting a particular sore spot. “But enough of that. Don’t you remember what happened last time you went on a ‘solo adventure’? What would’ve happened if I hadn’t been there to rescue you?”
“It’s not my fault I can’t swim!” Cozy Nights stopped momentarily by a postbox to frown at her pursuer. “Nopony ever taught me! Mum’s always busy with that stupid hotel job, and you’re always failing at training. Also, how was I supposed to know that wooden bridge was being repaired?”
“I don’t know… maybe the giant ‘Under Repair, Do Not Use’ sign might’ve been a clue?” Star Shine finally caught up with her errant sibling, and she leaned against the mailbox to catch her breath. “Plus all the rotten wood, the workponies either side of the drop, the huge hole in the middle…”
“Okay, okay… so sometimes I miss some stuff. But how do you expect me to always pay attention, when the world around us is so beautiful?” Cozy Nights sighed, remembering with awe the multi-coloured butterfly that almost led her to a watery grave. “This is why I’ve always felt like more of an earth pony than a pegasus. What is the empty sky and wispy clouds compared to the glory of the greenery down below or the mysteries of the even deeper sea? One of these days, I’d like to escape the concrete jungle and find out for myself.”
“Well, good luck with your dream, but you might want to take a few things into consideration.” Star Shine had recovered her poise, and her words were stern and to the point. “Firstly, you need money for travel. After paying all our bills, we have virtually nothing left. Second, I have enough trouble keeping you out of danger in Manehattan. How hazardous do you think it’s going to be in the wild? No, I’m sorry… I simply won’t allow it.”
“Hey, you’re not the boss of me!” Cozy Nights responded to Star Shine’s ultimatum with an extended raspberry, which earned her an epic eye-roll in return. “If I wanna pack up and leave some day, I will! Maybe not now, or even in the near future… but sometime, when I’m good and ready, you won’t see me for dust! Which reminds me: I need to clean my room later. Where did you put the feather duster again?”
“I told you already, we can’t afford one! We have to make one out of the plumage we moult! That’s why we’re reduced to picking barnacles off ships for spare change now, just to eat properly!” Star Shine was embarrassed to admit it, but this was the reality of the dire financial situation their family was in. “But don’t change the subject! You didn’t give me a chance to tell you my last reason why I disapprove of you going.”
“Huh?” Cozy Nights was about to rush off again to the docks, but the sincerity in her sister’s tone caught her off-guard. “What’s that, then?”
“I’d miss you.” Star Shine trotted over to her bemused sibling to embrace her with a single hoof. “I already spend half my life miles away at Wonderbolt camp, and one of the things I look forward to the most is seeing you on my visits back home. How do you think it’s going to affect my performance if I know you’re not here, and might be hurt in a far-off place where nopony can reach you?”
“Oh my Celestia!! So sorry for my selfishness in wanting to actually do something for myself, at the cost of providing a distraction from your training!” Cozy Nights commented sarcastically, backing a few inches from her sister as she did so. “I’ll go back home this instant, and wrap myself in cotton-wool forever so you can pass with honours! What was I thinking, trying to be independent? Such a stupid idea…!”
“T-That… that’s not what I meant at all, and you know it!” An annoyed Star Shine took to the air again, to address the younger pony from on high as if trying to be more authoritative. “If I ever become a professional, it’ll mean big bits! A chance to move out of the hovel where we live! Mum could even give up being a restroom attendant! But if you suddenly up sticks and left, how is that going to help anypony? Me and Mum would miss and worry about you, plus who’s gonna take care of her while I’m away? These are factors you need to seriously consider, before making a rash decision like that.”
“The way you spoke about me a few seconds ago, I thought I was the one who needed ‘taking care of’, but anyway…” Cozy Nights shook her head in confusion, but attempted at least to be conciliatory. “I didn’t say I was going to depart this second! I meant when things settle down a bit, and we’re not struggling to make ends meet every day. I wouldn’t just leave mother without making sure she wasn’t properly provided for, no Sirree! You have my word on that! To prove it, let’s do what we used to, whenever we made a promise to each other.”
“Oh no, not here! Everypony is watching us…” Star Shine fluttered down to whisper a warning about the various passers-by, seemingly unaware that most were too busy with their daily commute to pay either sister any mind. “We’re older now. More mature. Time to leave such foalish things behind in the past, and…”
“Pffff. Less talking, and more licking.” Cozy Nights ignored the other pony’s protestations, as she slathered her own hoof with saliva before extending it. “Shake. Unless you want to do the other thing, where we cut our hooves with my trusty rusty penknife, and exchange blood vows instead.”
“No, no. One tetanus jab as a result of your poorly thought-out plans is more than enough. How you ever convinced me to do that, I’ll never understand.” Star Shine shivered at the mere memory of that awful day at the hospital, before daintily licking her own hoof a few times. “I suppose, if participating in this ridiculous ritual stops you from doing anything silly, it might be worth it. Come on, let’s get it over…”
“You got it, sis!” Cozy Nights didn’t waste a second longer, and moved to vigorously shake Star Shine’s damp hoof until the elder sibling’s entire body seemed to vibrate. “Also, for what it’s worth, I’m pretty proud of you too! My own sister: Captain of the Wonderbolts one day! It’s gonna happen, mark my words!”
“Well, thanks for the vote of confidence, but let’s not get too ahead of ourselves. That new mare in charge called Spitfire is a real ballbuster, so to even make the final selection I’m gonna have to be at my very best.” Star Shine smiled with gratitude at her sister, whilst trying to keep things in perspective. “All this ‘if you make one mistake you’ll be in a full-hoof-and-wing-cast-drinking-through-a-straw’ nonsense, plus you’ll never believe what her nickname was as a cadet. Or come to think of it, how she got it in the first place.”
“Pardon? Oh c’mon, you can’t just tease me with that information, and then leave me hanging! You better tell me everything, or I’ll tell Mum you let me play on the construction site again!” Cozy Nights was not usually all that interested in her sister’s fledgling Wonderbolts career, but this secret sounded too good to miss.
“H-Hey! That’s a lie! I would never… hey, come back here this instant!” A panicking Star Shine was not prepared for this random threat, or her sister’s subsequent rapid retreat. “That’s classified information! Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t… oh, why didn’t I keep my big mouth shut?”
But even though both siblings made a big play of being rivals, both loved each other very much, and the breakneck chase to the docks was undertaken with plenty of laughs and smiles along the way.
“If either of us had known what lay just around the corner though, our mood may not have been so cheerful…”
……………………………………
“So there you are!” Rainbow Dash gazed down at a motionless Pinkie Pie, disapproval written all over her face. “I should’ve known something was ahoof when Cheese Sandwich came out of the blue with Boneless to play his ‘Greatest Hits’! All my favourite jokes in a row, from the classic whoopee cushion to the rainbow-mouth cookie switcheroo skit. I fell for it, too! Well, never again. I’m not letting you out of my sight until this coronation is over.”
“Can’t talk. Eaten too much. About to explode. Tell Gummy I love him. And will somepony please take the cakes out of the oven back at Sugarcube Corner, before the entire town burns down. Or even worse, the pastry is ruined.” A giant empty bag of popcorn lying by her side, a bloated Pinkie burped contentedly, before the pangs of indigestion returned to make her wince in anguish.
“Serves you right for taking food without permission, and refusing to share. That’s Friendship Rule 101, in case you’d forgotten about that as well.” Twilight obviously thought the party pony had brought all her suffering on herself. “I would also like words with your coltfriend later. It sounds like he’s taught Rainbow some bad habits…”
“Hey, what did I tell you back then? I was an innocent victim of a brilliant prankster: It was Cheese Sandwich playing the cookie trick on me that gave me the idea to try it out on all of Ponyville. I’m just too easily influenced, that’s my problem. Always eager to please…” Rainbow sighed with her head bowed down in ‘shame’.
“That may be so, but you didn’t have to copy him! For example, if I jumped off a cliff, would you leap after me?” Twilight was not letting the blue pegasus off the hook that easily.
“Of course I would! You can fly, and so can I! Which reminds me…” An alert Rainbow Dash called Twilight out on her poor choice of words, before she turned to address Cozy Nights. “I don’t even know why I’m asking you this, since you bashed up my pal Spike earlier and brought that tiny terror Cozy Glow into the world. But this ‘Star Shine’ you mentioned…”
“My beloved sister? What about her?” Cozy Nights spoke to her fellow pegasus, an unnatural grin decorating most of her face.
“Well, as a key member of the Wonderbolts myself and a total fanatic of them to hoof, how come I’ve never heard of her? I mean, even if she never quite made the team, there would’ve at least been some record of her at headquarters… but as far as I know there’s nothing. Care to tell me why that might be, or are you as good a liar as your daughter…?”
If Rainbow Dash’s harsh tone and even harsher glare bothered Cozy Nights, she did a very good job of hiding it. “Oh, that’s simple! All of her time with the Wonderbolts was expunged from history, never to be spoken of again under punishment of death. Or, maybe a small fine. I always get the two mixed up, silly me!”
“What?!” Yet again, the whole backstage area reacted as one, apart from Pinkie (still in a caramel-coma)...
...And a now-standing Ocean Glow, who wore the expression of a world-weary stallion far older than he actually was.
“I think that statement requires some context, my love. If you permit me to explain, I’ll try my best. I’d just landed at Manehattan, and I was nervously waiting for my father to return with Gold Digger after he’d told her what ‘dreadful’ things I’d done aboard. That’s my mother by the way… and in case you were wondering, no she doesn’t ‘dig gold’ for a living…”
Ocean Glow frowned at his fellow seaponies piling off the ship, each one ready with a dirty look or a nasty remark aimed squarely in his direction.
“Ooo! You gonna get it now! Shame I can’t be here to see it!”
“I’d almost feel sorry for you… but then I remembered: it’s you. Hope she goes crazy on your landlubbin’ arse!”
“I’ve travelled waters near and far, seen many a grotesque monster in my time. But none of them compare to the hideous creature that’s your mother. She could teach the Kraken a thing or too. Good luck, buddy!”
Can’t say I disagree with that last comment. If there’s one thing I share with these brainless bullies, it’s a mutual contempt of Gold Digger. Ocean Glow pondered as the final sailor made good his escape, each one almost falling over themselves in their desperation to evacuate the premises before a certain pompous mare came waddling in.
So what shall I do this time: Nod my head silently in agreement at everything she says, or actually try arguing my case? Last occasion I tried that, it didn’t go so well for me. ‘He who holds his tongue lives to get shouted at another day’. Or, something.
But while Ocean Glow deliberated with himself whether to be a living coward or a brave cadaver, his ‘charming’ mother wasn’t destined to meet him first that day.
For the ‘peasant’ route she took for once with great reluctance due to roadworks, was exactly the same path two sisters regularly used to reach the docks.
In fact, just at that very second…
…………………….
“I told you, didn’t I? I said you gave him too much freedom to do as he pleased, and now look what it’s got us! A complete dud of a child, who won’t listen to a word anypony says and spends all his time reading instead of taking care of his responsibilities! Which are to keep this family healthy, wealthy and most importantly well-connected! I did tell you about my younger friend Spoiled Rich didn’t I, Anchovies Away?”
“I-It’s actually ‘Anchors Aweigh’ darling…”
“What did you just say? Are you… correcting me?! Please tell me I did not just hear that…!”
“Yeow! I-I mean, nice swing on that right hoof, dear! Really caught me across the chops that time! And of course, you can call me whatever you like!”
“...That’s what I thought you meant.” Gold Digger, a slightly overweight brownish unicorn, was not in the best of moods, as her intermittent display of domestic violence just showed. “Anyway, before being rudely interrupted, I was about to tell you about my new acquaintance. She married well, and has just given birth to a precious foal called Diamond Tiara. Do you know why I’m telling you this, Ancestors Astray?”
“Spoiled Milk. Yes, I almost dated her in my first year of college, when it was her last. Thought I’d had a lucky escape when I found out what she was really like, until I met… what is it about certain stallions, and the money-grabbing mares they choose?” Anchors Aweigh did not immediately reply, as regrets from the past threatened to overwhelm his capacity to answer.
“What are you babbling on about now? I’m starting to see where our son gets his oddball ways, and it’s not on my side.” Fortunately, Gold Digger (as usual) was far too self-absorbed to catch onto her husband’s less-than-flattering words. “No matter. The reason why I’m mentioning it is because she’s not going to make the same mistakes we did with our offspring. None of this ‘new-age free-thinking’ nonsense. As soon as Diamond Tiara’s old enough to understand, she’ll be told exactly when she can eat, drink and go to the toilet. After all, privilege isn’t a right: it’s something which must be earned.”
Well how come you’ve never worked a day since we got hitched? Anchors Aweigh was sorely tempted to cut in, but as he wanted to be buried at sea and not land he smartly kept his views private.
“Anyhow, all I’m saying is maybe if we’d actually instilled a bit of discipline in him, perhaps given him the belt once in a while, perhaps he wouldn’t be so completely out-of-control now.” Gold Digger bleated on, completely oblivious to her woebegone husband slouched beside her. “How is he going to grow up to provide for my… our needs as we grow older? Fur coats and objet d’arts don’t just buy themselves, you know! I can just see us being introduced at parties: Gold Digger, Acres Allay and their black sheep who’s always got his muzzle in a book. What will the other guests do? They’ll laugh at us, that’s what! And you know how much I hate being laughed at. Such uncivilised behaviour!”
“Wait a second. Didn’t you laugh at other ponies we passed just a few minutes ago? Like that ‘dirty commoner’ whose cart had a broken wheel? Or that ‘stupid overbreeder’ struggling with her seven children? Don’t you think you’re being a tad hypocrit… aargh! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!!” For once, Anchors Aweigh’s usual reticence had deserted him in a moment of madness.
A minor mistake, but possibly a fatal one.
“Hmph! That idiot labourer fixing his vehicle deserved it! He nearly splashed oil on my freshly-painted hooves. Also, you know my views on large families. If you must overpopulate Equestria with your intolerable brats, at least make sure you can afford them! By the looks of her fur and her smell, she couldn’t even afford to pay the water bill. These drains on society need to be put in their place once in a while, a service I am more than happy to provide. As do obstinate husbands, I’m afraid. I promise you dear: this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you. Get ready…”
Oh no. What have I done… Too late Anchors Aweigh realised the folly of his actions, as once more his wife pulled back her hoof to deliver a strong blow, though this one looked more like a punch than a slap. It was supposed to be Ocean Glow getting it this time, not me! Hopefully, I won’t be unconscious for too long this time, I still have local deliveries to make…
But just as the shivering seapony closed his eyes to prepare for the impact of his sweetheart’s varnished hoof on the side of his brow…
A solid object moving at a great speed smacked into Gold Digger first, which sent her crashing against the wall to offer the long-suffering stallion a reprieve.
A few seconds later, the seemingly unstoppable pink force ground to a halt to glance behind it in confusion. “Oops. I think I hit some kind of cushion, Star Shine. Well, as long as nopony’s hurt… Star Shine?”
Realising she’d gone so fast her sister had been left far behind, Cozy Nights began celebrating by doing a little jig in the middle of the street, even as puzzled pedestrians stopped to stare and Anchors Aweigh cradled his dazed wife.
“I told you! I knew I could run so fast, you’d lose sight of me! Admit it Sis… when it comes to quickness, slickness and sheer velocity, you’re just not at the ‘races’! Get it? Hey, what’s the matter with you?” Cozy Nights was at her braggadocious best when her panting sibling eventually hovered into view, but Star Shine seemed distracted by something else.
“What have you done this time?” That had almost become a catchphrase for Star Shine, every occasion her unpredictable sister screwed up. Which was several times a day, by last count. “We can’t tell you have sorry we are, sir. My sister never looks where she’s going, I swear she’s totally clueless sometimes. Here, let me help up your friend…”
“D-Did anypony get the licence plate number?” Gold Digger burbled, as an assortment of stars and tweeting birds spun around her ears in a delirious perfect circle.
“Haven’t you two done enough damage for one day?!” Anchors Aweigh angrily refused Star Shine’s offer of aid, preferring to lift his wife himself to carry her in his hooves. “You’ll be hearing from my lawyers, both of you! Now tell me where you live, so we can issue a subpoena.”
“E-Erm, that would be…” Star Shine began dutifully answering, before a slight movement of the head from Cozy Nights in the background made her hesitate. “T-That is to say…”
“Well, which is it? Either you do know where you reside, or you don’t!” Anchors Aweigh was beginning to get most impatient, if his rapidly reddening cheeks were anything to go by.
“I’m afraid we don’t. The collision must’ve been so hard it gave us both amnesia. What a shame. Don’t worry, we won’t sue. Oh well, must dash. See you in the funny papers. Ta-ta for now!” Those were Cozy Nights’s last words before her second wind arrived, and without warning she burst off once more until she registered as a mere blip on the horizon…
...Closely followed by her sheepish sister, who nevertheless tried to reassure the stricken couple on her way out. “She’ll be okay. I had far worse injuries than that during basic Wonderbolt training. Hope we don’t ‘bump into’ each other again. Well, goodbye!”
And as the hit-and-run duo made good their escape, and the secretly snickering strangers around Anchors Aweigh and Gold Digger strolled off in noticeably higher spirits than before…
...A thoroughly cheesed-off stallion only had one clue as to the identities of the fugitives that’d ruined his beloved’s day (and his, when he’d inevitably get the blame later).
“A Wonderbolt, eh? Interesting...”
………………………………….
“Oh my! You know how I hate to judge people, but just to abandon those poor ponies like that after you brutally mowed them down… why, that’s simply barbaric!” Rarity had finished putting Twilight’s dress back into storage temporarily while coronation proceedings were suspended, and had poked her head in to see what the fuss was about. “Have you no empathy, dear?”
“Hey! I felt a bit guilty at the time, much less so later. But what was I supposed to do? I could tell just by looking at them: if they’d taken us to court, we could’ve lost everything. Obviously Star Shine agreed, as she was a co-conspirator of my cunning plan!” Cozy Nights grinned evilly at the thought of inducting her whiter-than-white sister into the depths of villainy. “Of course, I wasn’t to know what would happen next… but enough of that for now. Did that answer all your questions?”
“No, not really darling.” Rarity started tapping her chin as if something was on her mind. “How did physically assaulting Ocean Glow’s parents help in getting him to fall in love and marry you?”
“Wow, I didn’t know Spoiled Rich was that old. Pretty scary stuff!” Pinkie had taken some strong stomach medicine, and was feeling well enough to sit up at least.
“Hmm. How could you tell us about a conversation you couldn’t possibly have been present for?” Twilight was typically quick in pointing out the discrepancies in the flashback.
“I might be alone in saying this, but… when are we gonna get to Cozy Glow?!” An increasingly agitated Spike was fed up with the backstory, and just wanted the main plot to unravel.
Impatient creatures, are dragons.
“Alright, alright. I swear, all of your questions will be answered eventually. Well, at least two of them. Now let’s get to my favourite part: where me and my future betrothed met for the first time.” Cozy Nights sighed with happiness, whilst fluttering her eyelashes bashfully. “Naturally, it was love at first sight. A romance for the ages. We could tell straight away we were meant to be together forever...”
“W-Well, I wouldn’t exactly put it like that, my love…” Ocean Glow dared to interject, not being quite as free with the truth as his besotted wife.
“H-Huh? Whatever do you mean?” Cozy Nights was for once a bit lost for words.
“Don’t you remember what happened? I was just hanging around by the waterfront, biting my hooves in fear at you-know-who’s arrival, when…”
