> The Many Secret Origins of Scootaloo
>  by defender2222
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> The Cakes
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was a sight so rare that those that saw it could only stop and gawk. It was like finding an entire field of four-leaf clovers. Cupcakes and donuts and all other manner of sweets were forgotten as the patrons as Sugarcube Corner sat slack jawed at the scene playing out before them.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders sitting at a table, enjoying a treat.

No, that wasn't the amazing part. That was actually quite common; Applejack or Rarity or even on occasion Fluttershy were always taking the girls to pastry shop. It was the fact that the CMC were sitting calmly at the table, nibbling on their treats and talking about their day at school. And nothing had exploded.

Twilight Sparkle considered for a moment that it was rather mean spirited to find the little fillies behaving properly to be such a world-shaking event. They were good girls, after all, always meaning to do well. Yes, some of their quests to discover their special talents tended to end in destruction, mayhem, property damage and the release of ancient evils (and that had only happened once if somepony didn't count last week when they had summoned that winged squid creature trying to be Cutie Mark Witches), but they meant well. They just wanted their cutie marks and, like all fillies, were going about it the wrong way. Twilight smiled to herself, remember her own Cutie Mark Quest, including an attempt to use her brother as a sled dog that hadn't gone over too well. Luckily for Twilight (and Shining Armor) she'd become enamored with magic shortly thereafter and all her efforts had gone into learning magic, leaving little time for daredevil acts.

She just hoped the girls would find their passions soon and realize that getting a cutie mark was more about embracing something within you than discovering something new.

It was clear that Rarity and Applejack weren't going to question this lucky break. The two mares were happily chatting with each other while the fillies giggled to themselves over something that had happened in Miss Cheerilee's class. Twilight's friends would occasionally look down to make sure the girls were still behaving themselves but, for once, the CMC were allowing their big sisters to actually enjoy their meal.

"So beautiful, isn't it?" Mrs. Cake said, trotting over to give Twilight another cup of tea.

"And also tragic," Mr. Cake added.

"Beautifully tragic."

"Tragically beautiful."

Twilight looked back and forth at the two bakers, her brow screwed up in utter confusion. "I'm sorry, but what are you talking about?"

"The tragiciful scene over there," Mrs. Cake said, pointing towards the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

"Yes, the tragiciful," Mr. Cake stated in agreement, a smile on his face as he and his wife finally came to a consensus.

"Uh...still not following you." Twilight was beginning to wonder if the Cakes hadn't been cursed into being in an endless loop of gibberish. "I mean, it is just Applejack and Rarity having a snack with their sisters."

"Their sisters and Scootaloo," Mr. Cake said sagely, as if that sentence was the lost wisdom of Starswirl the Bearded. When he saw that Twilight still wasn't following he leaned in close, inspecting her with a critical eye. "You don't know, do you?"

"Know what?" Twilight was beginning to feel utterly exasperated and cursed her sweet tooth for dragging her into Sugarcube Corner. She knew she should have just headed home to have some fruit but nooooo! She had a craving for brownies and now she was going to pay for it.

"About Scootaloo!" Mrs. Cake hissed. "Twilight, don't tell me you don't know about her...past."

"What past?" Twilight said dumbly. It was as if she had walked into a play that had started an hour ago and was trying to play catch-up even as the scene continued.

"You know...her past," Mrs. Cake whispered, giving a quick glance towards the orange pegasus that was currently trying to lick frosting from the tip of her nose. "Her beautiful past."

"But also-"

"I get it!" Twilight snapped, cutting Mr. Cake off. "It's beautiful and tragic and maybe even a bit melancholy."

"No one said anything about it being melancholy." Mr. Cake glanced over at his wife, who nodded in agreement. "That is just silly, Twilight...why would you think that?"

Twilight tilted her head, internally debating if it would be a wise idea to bash her head against the table until she suffered enough brain damage to make the conversation make sense. However, her level-headedness prevailed and Twilight, with as much calm she could muster, forced a smile on her face.

"Why don't you just tell me about Scootaloo's tragiciful past?"

Mrs. Cake looked around, as if she suddenly feared that spies would burst out from under the tables and arrest her for spilling the beans. "Well...I am not one to gossip..."

Twilight closed her eyes to prevent the Cakes from seeing her over-the-top eye roll. Mrs. Cake was one of the biggest gossips in town...heck, Twilight knew for a fact that, even after they had been featured, the Cakes were still disappointed there would be no more 'Gabby Gums' articles.

"Twilight, are you ok?"

"Just...fine. Please...please just...tell the story," Twilight ground out.

"Well, if you insist," Mrs. Cake said pleasantly. "It all started about 6 years ago..."

~Six Years Ago~

"Now, be sure to keep an eye out on the farm while we are gone, alright young missy!"

Applejack smiled, trotting over to Granny Smith and giving her a hug. "Don't worry; Sweet Apple Acres is in good hooves. I don't want either of ya to worry about me while you're two are off enjoyin' the big city!"

Granny Smith let out a huff of annoyance at the young mare's jest. "This ain't no vacation, Applejack! We're just goin' to get a new plow."

"Eeeeeyup," Big Macintosh said.

Applejack smiled, walking over and giving her big brother a hug as well. "That don't mean ya can't enjoy yourselves. Don't go rushin' back thinking that ya have ta come bail me out. We got another 3 weeks till Applebuck season, so I figure I'll manage just fine if ya two decide to take in a show or do a little sight-seeing in Manehattan."

Granny grumbled something about big cities and all the traffic as she got into the wagon Big Mac was hooked up to. The massive stallion gave his sister one final look before he began to trot off, the wagon rumbling as it pulled away from the house and down the dirt driveway towards the main road.

"I'll see ya in a few days!" Applejack called out, waving her hooves frantically. "Have fun!"

"I'm sorry, but what does Applejack’s family buying a plow have to do with Scootaloo?"

"I'm getting to that, Twilight."

The friendly grin Applejack had been wearing fell from her face the moment her family was out of sight. In its place was a smaller, naughtier grin that spoke of sensual secrets. She rushed back into the house, the door banging as she burst into the kitchen and pulled out the salad she had hidden away. Setting it on the counter, Applejack rummaged through one of the cupboards before finally finding the silk table cloth Granny Smith reserved for special holidays. Tossing it into the air, Applejack grinned as it settled neatly on the table before going over to one of the drawers and pulling out two long candles and a pair of crystal holders, which she set in the middle of the table and lit. Grabbing a couple of bowls, she added those to her setting before snatching two mugs and, from her secret hiding spot behind the oats, a bottle of fine apple cider that she had managed to snag from last year's harvest.

She was just about to give the salad a toss when she heard the door to her house creak open and the sound of dainty hooves tapped against the hardwood.

"Hello Applejack, I just stopped by to say hello and..." Rarity blinked, taking in the sight before her, a grin slowly blossoming on her face. "Well well well, looks like someone has a special night planned."

"Maybe," Applejack said, suddenly very shy.

"Hmmm...is it someone I know?" The fashionista circled about the room, clicking her tongue in approval.

"Maybe..." Applejack murmured, eyes shut and head down. She pawed at the hardwood with her hoof.

Rarity practically purred as she slowly made her way towards Applejack, forcing her chin up and making the farmer look her in the eye. "Not that young stallion we saw the other day, I assume?"

"Nah, he ain't my type,” Applejack murmured.

"What about that nice celery seller? You know the one I mean."

"Not my type either."

"Well then, Applejack, who is your type?"

"You," the farmer said, all sense of modesty leaving her as she passionately pulled Rarity into a soul-searing kiss. The white unicorn moaned, her horn beginning to glow as she surrendered herself to the power of the kiss, their fierce embrace causing the very air around them to feel as if it were going to burst into flames. The meal was forgotten as the farmer dragged her lover to the floor, bringing her-

"WHAT?!?!"

~MC~MC~MC~

Mr. and Mrs. Cake gave a start, staring at Twilight with wide eyes as the unicorn stood there with her mouth hanging open, trying to form a coherent sentence.

"You...you think Rarity and Applejack are in love with each other?"

"Well...yes, of course," Mrs. Cake said, as casually as one would discuss the weather. "I thought you knew."

"No I didn't, I...what am I saying? RARITY AND APPLEJACK-" Twilight looked around, realizing she was getting some curious looks and quickly brought her voice to a whisper, "-are not in love."

Mr. Cake chuckled. "Twilight, you would have to be blind not to see it."

"See what? They are friends!"

"Yes, 'friends'," Mrs. Cake said, air-quoting. She casually gestured towards the two. Applejack was happily munching an apple fritter while Rarity was using her magic to daintily sip her tea while averting her eyes from Applejack's vicious assault on manners and pastry. "Look at them, look at how they sit so far apart, neither of them touching, never paying each other any attention. See how Rarity rolls her eyes and Applejack continues to focus on her food rather than the mare in front of her? That is a sign of love."

Twilight was pretty sure the cracking sound she heard was a gear in her brain snapping it two.

"Mrs. Cake," the unicorn began, trying to talk reason into the older mare, "I have been friends with AJ and Rarity for 2 years now...I think I would know if they were in love."

"Maybe they just hid it because they knew you were a prude."

"I really don't- what do you mean I'm a prude?!" The two bakers merely gave her sympathizing smiles, like one would give a filly when she declared she was 'a big girl!'. "Ok...we're getting off of topic. The point is I've been around them a lot and they've never shown any interest in each other. I mean, the one time we had a slumber party they were at each other's throats. I couldn't even get any sleep after all the ruckus they were making in bed..."

The Cakes gave each other a saucy look.

"NOT LIKE THAT!!!" Twilight screeched, only to blush when everypony turned to stare at her. Twilight lowered her head in utter embarrassment. "Ok...forget it...what does any of this have to do with Scootaloo?"

"If you'd allow me to finish, I would tell you." Mrs. Cake cleared her throat. "Everything was going well for the two lovers-" Twilight gagged a little at that, "-until Applejack's family came home early from their trip..."

~MC~MC~MC~

Applejack looked utterly heartbroken, her head lowered and her lip wobbling as she fought off the large tears that threatened to spill from her eyes. She couldn't bring herself to look at Rarity, shame filling her soul as the mare that held her heart was driven from her house and her hooves.

"Ya git on out of here, ya filthy varmint!" Granny Smith shouted.

"But we are in love! Why can't you just accept that?" Rarity cried out, placing her hooves on her heart as if she expected it to burst from her chest at any moment.

Big Macintosh merely shook his mighty head, looking to the sky. "Oh lordy lord, this harlot has done led my innocent little sister to sin! What a terrible day to befall the Apple family!"

"Big Macintosh doesn't talk like that."

"You've obviously never heard him when he is angry."

"Brother, please!" Applejack whimpered. She let out a cry as her brother lashed out, striking her in the face and leave a gash upon her cheek. 

"Big Macintosh would never hit his sister! He is as gentle as a kitten! And there is no way Applejack would whimper!"

"Twilight, please, let me finish."

"But-"

Rarity sobbed as she was forced out the door, trying to catch one last glance at her beloved Applejack, only to find her view blocked by the massive form of Big Macintosh. Lowering her head, she stumbled out of the house, her very essence crying out at the injustice of it all. All about her the town folk jeered and pelted her with rocks, calling her all sorts of vile names as Rarity was driven away from Sweet Apple Acres and her beloved-

"Hold on..."

~MC~MC~MC~

"What is it now?" Mrs. Cake asked, a bit annoyed that her rather dramatic retelling of the events of Applejack and Rarity's break up was being interrupted. It was so hard to find a polite audience nowadays.

"Let's assume you are right and Applejack and Rarity were in love." The Cakes nodded their heads, happy that Twilight was finally coming around. "Why would anypony be upset?"

"What's that now?" Mr. Cake said.

"Why would anypony be angry?  Gay marriage has been legal in Equestria for 300 years and even before that gays and lesbians were accepted by other ponies! I mean, Mayor Mare has been happily married to her wife for 10 years. So why would the town turn out to jeer Rarity? And what were they even doing there? Did Big Macintosh find Applejack and Rarity together and take the time to send a letter to everypony in town, asking them to wait outside the house and throw rocks at Rarity?"

The Cakes looked down, chewing on their lips and considering Twilight's words. "You know, I'm not really sure. That's just how the story goes."

"You weren't there?" Twilight said, her eye twitching.

"Well...no...but we heard about it from somepony that heard it from some other pony whose father’s best friend was there!" Mr. Cake pursed his lips in thought. "That made sense, right?"

"About as much sense as this story," Twilight groused.

"Oh...good!"

Slamming her head against the table was looking better and better.

"Now then," Mrs. Cake said, taking control of the conversation once more, "Big Macintosh, the horrid brute, refused to let Applejack out of his sight for nearly a year. Applejack longed to sneak away to see Rarity but she could never find the chance. Finally, the day came when she was able to get a few hours to herself and she rushed to see her love..."

~MC~MC~MC~

"Oh, my precious diamond!" Applejack exclaimed, nearly collapsing at Rarity's feet as she burst into the unicorn's shop. "How I have longed to see you after these many months. I knew each night, as my dreams brought me visions of you, that our hearts beat together as one and it was that power, the power of our love, that kept me going!"

Rarity placed her hooves over Applejack's, tears in her eyes as she drawled out. "I'll say, sugarcube. I done longed for you many a days now myself."

"Mrs. Cake, I think you got them mixed-"

"My beloved Applejack," Rarity said ("apparently now speaking with the right accent"), pulling the farmer to her hooves, "I too have missed you but...I must admit my pain was not as deep as yours, for I had another to help ease the pain." Before Applejack could allow rage and jealousy to burn through her heart like a thousand flames, Rarity pulled her over to a small bassinet.

Lying inside was a tiny foal, her body orange like Applejack’s but her purple hair all Rarity’s. The little one murmured and reached up, grasping Applejack’s nose with her little hooves, cooing in delight at the sight of this new visitor.

"Applejack...this is our daughter, Scootaloo."

"Nope, no no no, nope nope nope. No…no no no…no no no…just stop!"

~MC~MC~MC~

The Cakes just looked at Twilight, a mixture of exasperation at her constant interruptions and concern as the unicorn finally gave in and smashed her head against the table warring within their hearts.

After a few moments Twilight lifted her head up, bumps already swelling just above her eyes, making it look like she had 4 extra horns. "How...do two mares...have a foal?"

Mr. Cake frowned. "What do you mean?"

"You need a stallion to make a foal."

"You do?" the two asked in utter confusion.

"YES! YOU NEED A STALLION AND A MARE TO MAKE A FOAL!"

Now everypony was staring at Twilight. While not rare like the Cutie Mark Crusaders managing to have a meal without causing utter destruction, seeing Twilight Sparkle blow up was a fun activity. Unbeknownst to the unicorn, several ponies were already placing bets if her mane would catch on fire.

"It was a gift...a gift of love from Celestia," Mrs. Cake said slowly, keep her tone even as she addressed the clearly unstable pony. She had heard rumors that Twilight was unhinged and that Celestia only kept her around out of fear of what she might do. In fact, Mrs. Cake had heard some gossip that Twilight was in fact the daughter of Nightmare Moon and-

"Then why aren't they together raising their daughter?"

“What?” the bakers both asked.

“Why aren’t they raising Scootaloo together. They are able to sit in here right now and chat and no one is pelting them with stones…so why aren’t they raising their daughter together?”

"Because of the shame."

"The shame that comes from a gift of love from our princess?" Twilight ground out.

"Now you're getting it!" Mr. Cake said.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" Twilight stalked out of the bakery, muttering to herself about magic babies and fillyfriends and the power of love. Several ponies let out groans before passing bits over to their friends, who happily collected their winnings from their bets.

"What was that all about?" Mr. Cake asked his wife, not understanding why Twilight would freak out over a simple story about the birth of Scootaloo.

Mrs. Cake patted her husband's hoof. "The young mare is just upset...I heard Rainbow Dash and her haven't made love in months."

"Twilight and Rainbow Dash are together?"

"You didn't hear? Oh, it is such a tragic love story...or a lovely tragic story..."
> Spike
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

No one would ever say that Spike had a normal life. The mere fact that he was a baby dragon who lived with ponies shot that idea right out of the water. If one were to add the fact that he was the '#1 Assistant' to Princess Celestia's protégée, then normal became an utterly laughable concept. 

The fact that said protégée was Twilight Sparkle...well, that made the idea of calling Spike's life normal more outrageous than saying Princess Celestia was secretly Discord's baby mama (though, if one were to listen to a certain gossipy baker…).

Said baby dragon was about half way through the checklist Twilight had left him when the door to the library slammed open and the purple unicorn stomped through, muttering about gossip and where foals came from. Spike, being a wise little assistant, quickly hurried down the ladder he had been standing on and dashed into the kitchen to get Twilight some water. Whenever his friend went on a tear it was always wise to get her something to drink, lest she blow out her vocal cords from screaming in frustration.

Setting the cup of water on Twilight's desk (and clearing away the many scrolls and papers that had accumulated on its surface over the last few days) Spike went back to cleaning, knowing that Twilight would talk to him when she was ready. Pressing the subject would only turn her frustrations on him and the baby dragon was not interested in becoming a bucking-bag for the upset unicorn.

Ten minutes ticked by before Twilight finally stopped grumbling to herself. All the energy seemed to leave her and Twilight sat down on the floor with an unladylike "pwomp!", her head slowly drifting down and her eyelids growing heavy. She wasn't sleepy, of course; Spike had come to learn early on in their relationship that Twilight had stages of frustration much like there were stages of grief: Disbelief, Mania, Rage, Reflection, and Acceptance/Alteration. She was firmly in Stage 4, which was the best time to ask her about her problems. If Spike waited too long Twilight would either decide to brush the problem aside, or worse, come to the conclusion that she had to ‘fix’ the issue herself.

That...would lead to bad things.

"Hey Twilight," Spike said softly, setting his feather duster aside and walking over to his friend, patting her on the shoulder. "You ok?"

"Yeah...just a tiny bit frustrated, Spike." Wisely, the young dragon decided not to make one of the hundred jokes that were begging to leap off his tongue. He hadn't survived being around 6 powerful mares by shooting his mouth off. 

Instead, Spike sat down next to her, playing with his tail (which wasn’t as naughty as it sounded) as he waited for her to work up the nerve to talk about what was bothering her.

"I kinda...blew up over at Sugarcube Corner."

"...did your mane catch on fire?"

"No, nothing that bad."  Twilight missed the grin that burst onto Spike's face; Lyra had lost their bet about Twilight’s next freak-out and she owed him 10 bits. "I just got so mad at the Cakes...ooohh, I'll never be able to show my face in there again!" Twilight (gently) laid her head on the table and whimpered, a blush creeping along her cheeks as she remembered all the eyes staring at her as she screamed about reproduction. 

"So what made you lose your cool? Did someone insult you mane?"

"No," Twilight said sullenly.

"Did they point out that weird thing you do when you eat a brownie?"

"No, they...wait, what weird-"

"Did somepony make a crack about your weight?"

"Are you saying I'm fat?!"

Spike, realizing that he was stepping onto unsteady ground quickly backpedaled. "Because they would be wrong to do any of that! You want me to give them a little of the one-two-one?" He did a quick shadow box move and Twilight laughed at his gusto.

"No need for that, Spike." It was clear that Twilight felt a bit better after the giggle and Spike couldn't help but beam. "It's just really silly. I shouldn't have reacted like that."

"What did the Cakes do?" Spike asked, scooting a bit closer to her.

"They said Scootaloo was Rarity and Applejack's daughter. Can you imagine that?” Twilight scoffed at the notion and the ‘evidence’ the two had offered. “They even begin describing the two of them making out in Applejack's kitchen…kissing each other and playing with their manes and-“ Twilight blinked, seeing that Spike was stared into nothingness, a droplet of drool leaking out of his mouth while he stroked his tail (which was just as naughty as it sounded). "Spike?  Spike? SPIKE!"

"Don't stop girls! I'll just watch!" Spike quickly exclaimed.

"Ewwww!" Twilight squealed, shoving him away. "That is sick Spike!"

The baby dragon hauled himself up, shaking his head in a desperate attempt to clear the visions of Applejack and his beloved Rarity rolling about the floor, lips pressed together...maybe some honey fell over and poured all over their flanks and they had to lick...

"SPIKE!" Twilight roared.

Shaking his head, Spike stored the daydream away for another time. "Sorry Twilight, didn't mean to doze off. Just…thinking how vile and horrible that thought was!"  

"Sure," Twilight said, rolling her eyes. 

"There is no way though that Scootaloo is Rarity and Applejack's kid,” Spike said casually, climbing up onto the table. He figured that was a better resting spot, as it would make it difficult for Twilight to shove him if he did something stupid.

Twilight grinned, glad somecreature was FINALLY on her side. "Exactly! I mean, the biological-"

"Well, that is true," Spike interrupted, not wanting another lecture on the creation of foals. Twilight had given him ‘the talk’ a year ago…it had involved a slide show, several Venn diagrams and Twilight stuttering through the entire thing (when she wasn’t running back to her books muttering “No way is that right! Who would put THAT there?”). It had taken three private letters to Princess Celestia before the dragon finally understood half of what the unicorn had been trying to tell him. "But I meant that I know all about Scootaloo and I never heard about her being related to Rarity or Applejack."

"You know about Scootaloo's past?" Twilight asked, interest piqued. "I mean, I never really thought about it before, but it is kinda weird...she just showed up one day and we all accepted her as Applebloom and Sweetie Belle's friend. But I've never seen her parents or heard if she had any brothers or sisters..."

"Well, I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that she was raised in Canterlot."

"I didn't know she lived there! Did you run into her on the street or something, Spike?"

"No way, Twilight! Scootaloo was too busy training."

"Training?"

"You know...to be a spy."

Twilight blinked and Spike launched into his story before she could protest.

~2 years ago~

My name is Scootaloo. All my life I have been trained for one simple task: to serve and protect Equestria. I do this not as a soldier or a politician but as a covert agent in her Majesty Princess Celestia's secret service. I work in the shadows, protecting the innocent so that they might never know about the true danger that lurks within this land. It is better that way...if they knew even a fifth of what I did none of them would ever leave their homes.

I began my training when I was just a foal. I was selected by the Princess herself and every day my instructors forged my body into the ultimate weapon. My mind was strengthened too; I learned to out-think my opponents and lead them to believe that the pony they were battling was something beyond the norm.
 
"Wait, why is this in first person?"

"Because it is cooler that way, Twilight!"

"What does cool-"

I had just gotten back from dealing with a terrorist cell located on a nameless island in the Mareatine Sea and I had been looking forward to a well earned break. Fate, it seemed, was not on my side, because I barely got to my apartment ("She's only 10 years old and she has an apartment?") when a scroll magically appeared in my hooves. Only two ponies know the counter-spell to get beyond my wards and I knew it wasn't my landlady sending me yet another past due notice.

A picture of a fierce looking albino lion in a business suit slipped from the scroll and landed at my hooves. I barely glanced at the photo before focusing on the message pertaining to it.

'Agent Scootaloo: This is The Ghost, a rising warlord in Zebrica. He has recently been attacking trade routes within Zebrica's northern desert. Equestria relies upon these routes to bring in the finest silks from Camarabia. It has been determined that removal of The Ghost would result in instability within the region, something neither we nor our allies can accept. The Ghost has made, through agents of ours, offers to turn a blind eye to our trains in return for funds. We are not authorized at this time to make such an offer publicly. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to travel to Zebrica and deliver an unauthorized payment to The Ghost. You are scheduled to meet Luna at 1400 hours. If you are captured or killed Equestria will deny all knowledge of you or your acts. This scroll will self destruct in 5 seconds.'

"Uh, Spike..."

~MC~MC~MC~

Spike looked at Twilight, brow furrowed. He had just been getting to the juicy part of his tale when his friend had decided to interrupt him mid-stream. "What's the matter?”

"Spike, none of this makes any sense."

"What do you mean?"

Twilight gave him a cool look, one normally reserved for only the most evil of beings: ponies that brought back overdue library books. "First off, I doubt Princess Celestia would use children as spies."

Spike wagged his finger at her, a sly smile on his lips. "But that is the beauty of it, Twilight! No one would suspect a child to be a spy! It is the perfect cover!"

"Spike..."

The baby dragon folded his arms over his chest, giving her a cocky look. "Just admit it's the perfect cover."

Twilight rolled her eyes, the headache she had gained from bashing her head against the table coming back with the rage of a thousand hammers. "Alright fine, it is the perfect cover." She jabbed at the dragon with her hoof before he had a chance to get too smug. "But there are other problems with your story."

"Such as?" 

"Equestria doesn't have any trade routes in Zebrica. No one in Ponyville even knew what a zebra was, remember? And suddenly they are our biggest trading partner and require child spies to go and help them out? No Spike…there are simply no trade routes."

"...that's what the government would want you to think,” Spike said quickly, clearly pleased with his answer. “Of course we would have trade routes there; no one would suspect-“

“-and that makes it the perfect cover,” Twilight droned. She gave her #1 Assistant a glare so icy that had a polar bear seen it he would have screamed in agony before turning into a Popsicle. Spike, luckily, was too naive to realize just how much danger he was in and continued on with his story, while Twilight looked down at the table and wondered if it would be wise to grab a pillow before she began slamming her head against it.

~MC~MC~MC~

Tech people always creep spies out. They never go out into the field, they never shoot a gun, and they are more scared about one of their precious gadgets getting broken than you taking a bullet to the flank. 

“We ask thee to get out of thine quarters!”

“Thine? That isn’t even a word.”

I rolled my eyes as I entered Luna’s lab, sidestepping all the gadgets and gizmos she had in various states of repair. Wagons, flying machines, various bubbling vials and mystical elements all fought for space on her crowded shelves and I knew that if I wasn’t careful I’d accidentally turn myself into a frog or blow a hole through the castle wall. There were already several such holes the lab, each one boarded up in haste so Luna could get back to her experiments in peace.

“I’m here under orders, Luna,” I told her, making my way towards the back of the room. Luna was standing near a twisted frame that looked like a cross between a bunny rabbit and a wagon. 

“We demand thee leave us, Agent Scootaloo, for we are thinely working on our masterpiece!”

“Again, thine is not a word and neither is thinely. Hold on, I’m going to get my dictionary.”

“That’s great, but I really need my gear and I doubt your sister will be happy if I can’t complete my mission…”

“Fine fine…to the secret lab!” Luna led me over to a large statue of Celestia that at once was terrifying and breathtaking. “Thinelestly pull the lever!” I did as I was commanded, knowing that not doing so would only lead to pouting on the part of the Princess/mad scientist. The two of us fell through a trap door and landed in a small cart with a bar in the front that secured us.

“Please stay seated at all times,” a voice droned as Luna licked her hoof and then made sure her mane was sticking straight back. The next instant we were plummeting through darkness, the cart spinning and rocking as we rode the track down deep under Canterlot. With a final jolt we were thrown in the air, landing in her lab now donning white lab coats, long black hoofgloves and dark-tinted goggles. Luna held up her hoof and I clanked it with mine-

“Ha! Just as I thought! Thine is not a word!”

“OW!”

~MC~MC~MC~

Spike rubbed his sore nose, pushing the dictionary away. “Ok, Twilight, ok…thine is not a word, I get it…geez. Don’t need to shove the book in my face.”

“Glad we could get that settled,” Twilight said, giving the book a once over. “Spike didn’t hurt you, did he little dictionary? Shhh, it’s ok, I’ll put you back in your home.” Still happily murmuring to the book, Twilight trotted back to the bookshelf and placing the dictionary where it belonged (and Spike began to question his friend’s sanity). “Now then…” She turned, one eyebrow raised as she zoomed back over to Spike and examined him about as carefully as Rarity would inspect a diamond for flaws. “Spike…just how much of this story do you know is 100% true?”

“Uh…what do you mean?” Spike asked sheepishly.

Twilight leaned in even closer, forcing Spike to bend back so far he was sure his spine would snap. “How do you know about the secret labs and spy missions?”

“Well…I heard bits and pieces…but for the rest I just…assumed…”

“You’re guessing.”

“Scientists call that creating a theory. So I made a theory! You do it all the time!”

Twilight narrowed her eyes. “So you created a theory…that Princess Luna…who had been trapped on the moon for a thousand years until two years ago…is a genius inventor who is building gadgets no pony has ever thought of before?”

“…well, yeah.” Spike began to talk quickly, realizing he only had moments before Twilight snapped. “I just figured she had to be really smart! I mean, look at all the inventions you have in your lab!”

“What does my lab have to do with Princess Luna?”

“Well, I figured since she’s your mother-“

“Princess Luna isn’t my mother!” Twilight roared, the ends of her mane beginning to sizzle.

“Oh…right…right…” Spike said hurriedly, before whispering, “Nightmare Moon is.”

“What was that?”

“Nothing! Now, back to the story…theory...back to the theory!”

"And by the way, that isn't a theory, that is a hypothesis. A theory-"

~MC~MC~MC~

If you are looking for a place where you can relax, have a good drink and see a show, I would recommend Manehattan’s east side. They have plenty of bars and while most of the plays I went to were merely a chance to get information about a target, what I did manage to retain seemed rather positive. And the hotels are to die for.

However, if you’re looking for a place to get eaten up by mosquitoes while Celestia’s sun burns your skin to a crisp and the water gives you the trots, then I guess Zebrica is the place to go. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I’d been waiting in The Ghost’s hotel room for about 15 minutes. That’s the thing about being a spy all the books and plays don’t tell you about: 90% of it is waiting. You wait for your contact, you wait for a target, you wait for your ride and you wait for the doctor to dig a bullet out of you. The trick to keep yourself from cracking is to find something to keep your mind occupied. I try and remember all the words to Boarhemian Rhapsody. A bit silly, I admit, but better than nothing.

The Ghost was an up-and-coming warlord and I didn’t need Celestia’s scroll to tell me that. Warlords are a lot like the rich spoiled brats in Canterlot: they have way too much gold in their house, they wear horribly impractical clothing, and they have a ton of ponies that hang around them doing nothing. Of course, the friends of the snobs aren’t packing spells in their horns designed to turn a pegasus into a pincushion.

“Ah, I say hello to Ms. Scootaloo! How wonderful it is to be seeing you!”

“Spike, not everycreature from Zebrica does the rhyming thing.”

~MC~MC~MC~

Spike blinked, looking at Twilight like she had just revealed that Celestia didn’t move the sun and in fact the world rotated around the fiery orb (which was crazy talk). “They don’t?”

“Of course, Spike. Did you honestly think every zebra talked like Zecora?”

“….no…” Spike said, before muttering, “Thank Celestia, I didn’t know how I was going to come up with more rhymes.”

“Why would you have to come up with more rhymes?” Twilight asked, giving him a critical eye. Spike wondered if she was truly believing his awesome theory or if she was just humoring him, letting him dig himself deeper and deeper before rolling a rock over the hole and leaving him to die. “I thought you were telling me about Scootaloo’s origins…not making up-“

“Well, like I said, no one but her was there for most of it, so I have to… fill in the detail. Give it some color,” Spike said quickly. “Now then…”

~MC~MC~MC~

“How are you, my new friend!” The Ghost said, giving me a hardy pawshake (“Considering how small she is it must have left her rather dizzy…”). I, for my part, did all I could not to wipe my hoof in an attempt to get whatever lotion The Ghost used off my body. 

“I’m not your friend, Ghost. I’m just a filly delivering some bits.”

“Of course, of course,” The Ghost said, leaning in close. I could smell the odor of death on his breath and I forced myself not to gag. “Now…about my bits?”

“Right…” I closed my eyes, quickly whispering the transporter spell that Luna had given me-

“Oh, so it isn’t enough that she is a spy, she also has magic?”

“Of course! Would be silly if she didn’t!”

“Yeah…silly.”

I was giving the hangers-on one of my normal “please don’t blast me” smiles when the scroll appeared in a flash of light. I blinked, not quite sure what to make of it. I had been expecting a bag of bits, not a scroll. Quickly opening it, I felt something I had not felt in a long time: Fear.

‘We have just received a burn notice on you, Scootaloo. You’ve been blacklisted…I’m sorry

-Luna’

A burn notice. When your government wants to get rid of you they don’t fire you or throw you a retirement party. They burn you: freeze all your assets, cut you off from all your contacts and, if they are feeling really mean about it, leave you in a room full of killers.

“Uh…those funds might be a bit late,” I said with a grin. As a sea of angry faces and glowing horns began to swarm me, I  quickly reached into my bag and pulling out my only means of escape: my trusty scooter. My wings buzzed as I took off, smashing through a window and onto the street-

“Ok Spike, just stop.”

~MC~MC~MC~

The baby dragon looked down at his friend from where he stood on the table, pretending he was riding an invisible scooter. His lips had long since stopped making engine noises and he was wondering why Twilight had paused such a killer story to just stare at him.

“Spike…that is the most ridiculous story I’ve heard in a long time.” Twilight used her magic to lift him off the table and set him back on the ground. She then gave the table a look usually reserved for the spotting of long-lost lovers. However, she managed to fight the urge to let her rage out and instead turned back to stare at her friend. “I have never heard a crazier, more outlandish story in my life and anypony who thinks THAT is true needs their head examined.”

“…but it was cool, right?”

WHAM WHAM WHAM!

Apparently her resolve wasn’t as strong as she thought.

“Twilight, you ok?”

The unicorn looked at Spike, her eyes swirling a bit. She stumbled slightly, a delirious grin gracing her lips. “Per…perfectly fine Spike…actually s-starting to enjoy it!”

“Uh…whatever you say Twilight…” Spike said, slowly backing away from the obviously deranged unicorn. The great whomp she had taken had caused all the smaller bumps on her head to pop back out and to Spike it looked like Twilight was suffering from some horrible disease…of course, considering the fact that she was reacting to his cool story by banging her head against a table… 

“Dear…Dear Princess…Celestia…did you know you need a stallion and a mare…to make a foal?”

“Twilight…what are you…”

The unicorn, dazed by her repeated blows to the head, slowly began to wander towards the door, mumbling about ‘shipping’ and ‘spies’ and ‘Scootaloo’. Spike cringed as Twilight walked straight into a wall and just kept trotting forward, as if trying to burrow her way out. 

“Uh....let me get the door for you Twilight…” Spike said quickly. Twilight mumbled something about ‘rumors’ and began to stumble away, her horn every once and a while letting off a spark of magic. It reminded him of Berry Punch after the last Ponyville Singles Mixer. “Hey Twilight, if I can have the day off…smash into that tree,” he whispered.

WHAM!

“Yes!” Spike exclaimed, pumping his fist, only for the feather duster to magically return to his hands. “Awwwww…”

> Pinkie Pie
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Twilight couldn’t help but beam as she looked around the table.  All around her were some of the most famous and distinguished magic-users,  academics, and politicians in all of Equestria (and several lands over). Princess Celestia and Luna were at her side, each sipping tea and watching the great minds chat. To her left Mystic Gold, headmaster of the  School for Gifted Unicorns chatted politely with Mr. Piles, the curator of the Ponyville Museum.   She spotted Tydal, King of the Capricorns having a heated debate with the Great Griffon while the Lady of Zebrica merely laughed at the two. 

The crown jewel of this dinner party was, of course, Starswirl the Bearded. Long believed dead, the great master of magic had revealed that he had finally perfected time travel and had journeyed thousands of years into the future to see how Equestria would fair after his ‘death’.  He now sat at the other end of the table, gazing at all the bright minds with a look of utter serenity and peace. Twilight was almost shivering from the raw power Starswirl held within him and she knew that tonight all the lost wisdom he held in the deep recesses of his mind would be hers for the taking. 

She leaned forward as Starswirl stood up, preparing to give the first toast of the night. Twilight was bouncing up and down in giddy delight, wondering what he would say.  ‘Oh, will he quote some obscure Eqestrian play? Or reference one of his many adventures? Or what about-‘

“Bababababa!” Starswirl squealed happily.

“Huh?” Twilight said, smile dropping instantly.

Celestia clapped and giggled while Luna reached over and began to gum her own hoof.

The world seemed to swirl into a sea of color before realigning itself, allowing Twilight to see that she was not seated in Canterlot Castle’s grand ballroom but lying on a fairly standard bed with two foals sitting on her chest, happily poking their drool-covered hooves into her cheek.

“Hey!” Pinkie Pie shouted, running over and collecting the babies. “Pumpkin, Pound, what are you doing?” She quickly trotted out of the room, the unicorn and pegasus foals dangling from her mouth as she marched them back to their room. This left Twilight all alone in Pinkie’s bedroom, staring at the pink walls and ceiling and trying to figure out what exactly had happened. She had scattered memories of going to Sugarcube Corner…Rarity and Applejack kissing…Princess Luna in a labcoat…and her talking about how to make babies…Pinkie Pie…

“Oh Celestia…please tell me we didn’t-“ 

“Didn’t what, Twilight?” Pinkie asked as she bounced happily back into the room. 

“…just forget it, Pinkie Pie.” Twilight eased herself up, rubbing her throbbing head and frowning when she found that her skull had been wrapped with enough bandages to make a mummy jealous. “What the heck?”

Pinkie smiled, jumping onto the bed. “You don’t remember? After you yelled at Mr. and Mrs. Cake I went to look for you to make sure you were ok and weren’t bursting into flames. Took me a while and I got distracted by some trees that I thought looked like cotton candy but then I found you!” Pinkie began to giggle and Twilight wondered (not for the first time) if Pinkie had lost her mind. “You were so funny, Twilight! You were walking around, pretending you were a woodpecker!”

“Woodpecker?”

“You know…” Pinkie Pie went up to a wall and banged her head against it several times. “See!” she exclaimed, not nearly as loopy as Twilight had been after such an act hours ago. “Then you fell down and began twitching and I thought you might have developed Pinkie Sense so I brought you back here and bandaged you up! And since that was soooo fun I decided to put band-aids on you, even though you weren’t hurt, because band-aids are fun!”

Twilight looked down to see that her belly was covered in little adhesive strips which had been strategically placed to create an outline of Pinkie’s head. “Uh…thanks.”

“Sooo…” Pinkie leaned in close, her eyes blinking rapidly.

“So…?” Twilight responded, wondering what the heck Pinkie wanted. At least she wasn’t clamoring to throw a ‘You’re Better!’ party.

“Sooo…what were you doing that made you go from happy to shoutie shouter? Did Mrs. Cake point out that weird thing you do when you eat a brownie?”

“No she…why does everyone keep saying that?”

“Because it is WEIRD! Did Princess Luna forget your birthday?”

“What? No!”

“Good, because it‘s sad when a mother forgets her daughter’s birthday! Did Mrs. Cake tell you that crazy rumor she heard about Scootaloo?”

“No she…wait, yes she did.” Twilight’s face screwed up in utter confusion. “How did you-?”

Pinkie interrupted her, jumping off the bed and happily digging through her closet. A rubber duck, several books, and a large mallet flew out as Pinkie spoke. “That story is so silly! Everyone knows the truth about Scootaloo, so I don’t know why Mrs. Cake thought THAT story was true.” A feather boa, a picture of Princess Celestia dressed as a construction worker and some socks flew over Twilight’s head as Pinkie continued to rummage around.

“You…know where Scootaloo came from?” Twilight said nervously, her need for knowledge warring with her need for sanity. She could feel both hemispheres of her brain warring against one another, battling like two sumo wrestlers. 

“Yup yup!” Pinkie said, finally pulling out a large wooden hoof puppet theater. She dove behind it, selecting the items she wanted, before racing over to shut the lights off and galloping back into the twins’ room. Pumpkin and Pound giggled as Pinkie set them down next to Twilight, handing them each a flashlight. “Ok, the True Origin of Scootaloo!”

“Oh boy…” Twilight said, thankful there were no tables around as the twins shone their flashlights upon the stage….

~MC~MC~MC~

A long time ago in a galaxy far,
far away…

The planet of Colton would not last the night.

Joora-Loo knew this. He had seen the signs coming and had tried to convince the council to evacuate the planet. But they had refused to believe him, seeing his warnings as merely the ranting of a crazed stallion who was overreacting. All those months he had spent giving them his findings, detailing 7 separate plans to save the planet…and they had all been for naught.

Their red sun would explode within hours, and with its death would come the end of Colton and all its ponies.

“Wait a minute…how can a sun blow up? The alicorn in charge of it would never let that happen!”

“There was no alicorn in charge of it, Twilight. Colton had no goddess that moved the sun or the moon…the planet moved around the sun by its own gra-“

“Pinkie, that is crazy talk.”

His lab, normally so clean one could have performed surgery on his worktable, was torn to pieces as he grabbed every scrap of metal and spare piece of wire he could get his hooves on. In the center of his lab was his only hope. The only hope for Colton. Above him the clear ceiling of his lab allowed him to see the night sky lit up like a bonfire, the raw energy of the rising sun flashing across the sky and casting an eerily red glow upon the planet.

It would not be long.

“Joora-Loo,” his wife Lauren said softly, trotting over him, a small bundle wrapped secured to her back. “Is…is it time?”

“Yes my love, it is.” Turning towards his masterpiece, Joora-Loo pressed his hoof against the polished metal surface. This work, his last effort, would be the salvation of his people. For it was this small spaceship that would carry his only child away from the planet. Only one child would survive…the last child of Colton.

Lauren gently placed her bundle in the rocket, the little orange foal cooing slightly as she looked around the interior of the ship. She had no way of knowing that within an hour, maybe less, her entire race would be wiped out and she would be hurdling towards a strange new world.

“Scoota-Loo will be all alone,” Lauren whispered.

“No…never alone,” Joora-Loo said softly, taking a moment to stroke the foal’s purple hair. “You will travel far, my little Scoota-Loo, but we will never leave you…even in the face of death. The richness of our lives will be yours. You will carry me inside you, all the days of your life. You’ll make my strength your own; see my life through your eyes, as I will see yours through mine. The son becomes the father…the father becomes the son.”

“Daughter,” Lauren said.

“What’s that now?”

“Scoota-Loo is our daughter.”

“Are you sure?’

“Quite sure.”

“But what about-“

“That’s her leg.”

“Ah…and that?”

“Other leg.”

“Right.” Joora-Loo puckered his lips. “Well…I had this whole speech planned about how you will be a shining light…savior to the people of your new home… but now I’m all flustered so…uh…” Joora-Loo tapped his chin. “That’ll do, pig.”

“…are you serious?” Lauren complained as the cockpit shut on Scoota-Loo, the baby blinking as she watched her parents fight. “That’ll do, pig? Those are your final words to your daughter?”

“Better than you just standing there saying nothing! What a kind mother you are, just staring with glassy eyes at your foal!” The rocket began to tilt upward, preparing to take off as the two ponies continued to bicker.

“I am silently sending my love to our child!” Lauren complained.

“Oh, is that what you call it? Then I guess you’ve been sending love silently to me for the last 8 months!” 

The rocket fired off into the night sky, unnoticed by the couple.  “Not that it would matter to you! I know you’ve been fooling around with Becky in payroll for years!”

“At least she isn’t a frigid harpie! Damn it, I need a drink!” Joora-Loo trotted over to the mini-fridge, cracking open a beer even as the sky began to glow red-hot and the air around them became superheated. “What, no comments about me drinking too much? Come on, lay it on me, that’s all you’re good for!”

“You know, it is because you are a drunk no one believed you!”

“Are you blaming me for this, you cow?”

“If the horseshoe fits!”

“Well, at least I actually do something, unlike you! Why don’t you go trot off to the coffee shop and drool over the waiters with your friends Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha!?!”

“You know, Joora-Loo, I think I want to see other ponies!”

“Fine by me! Now that the kid is gone there is nothing to tie me to your flank! I have my whole life-“

And the sun exploded.

~MC~MC~MC~

Twilight tilted her head, staring at the two arguing hoof puppets as Pinkie reenacted the ‘death’ of Scoota-Loo’s ‘parents’. “Nooo! Aaack! Arggg! Burning alive!” She switched to a higher voice. “I should have married Stephan Magnet! YYAAACCKKKKKKK!”

Pumpkin looked over at Twilight, as if asking if this made any sense to her.

“Hey, I’m just as confused as you are!” Twilight complained as Pound Cake began to suck on the flashlight. “Pinkie…Pinkie?”

“Yes Twilight?”  Pinkie said, popping up between the two flailing hoof-puppets. 

“What…was that?”

“The dramatic retelling of the death of Scootaloo’s parents, of course!”

Twilight gave her friend a half-lidded glare. “So you think Scootaloo…is an alien.”

“Well duh! Why else would she have those thingies on her back?”

“Because she is a pegasus and those are her wings?”

“…oh.” Pinkie tapped her chin. “But that doesn’t mean she isn’t an alien, right? We can’t be too sure, can we?”

Twilight opened her mouth to argue, only to snap it shut at the wide eyed look Pinkie was giving her. “Fine…she could be an alien…whose parents were too stupid to build a spaceship big enough for all of them to ride in and who thought they could see through her eyes after they were burned to death by an exploding sun. Great story, next time add some pirates.”

Twilight stood up to leave, only for find herself shoved back down. “But I’m not done yet, Twilight! Don’t you want to know how Scoota-Loo came to Ponyville?”

“…you’re going to tell me even if I say no, aren’t you?” Pinkie nodded her head happily. “Fine.” Twilight sat down next to Pound and Pumpkin, the latter offering her a flashlight to suck on. “I’m good, thanks.”

~5 Years Earlier…~

“Come on, Scootaloo, let’s go!”

The happy little filly trotted after her adopted mother and father as they made their way down the dirty, obviously crime-filled alley. Scootaloo had truly lucked out. When her rocket had crashed in Equestria it had been found by a wealthy Manehattan couple who had adopted her and raised her in the lap of luxury. She had been given the best of everything and she knew nothing but joy and happiness.

“This isn’t going to end well, is it?”

Her father, Easy Target, calmly led his wife, Easy Pickings, down the alley, Scootaloo only a few steps behind.

“…oh boy.”

“Honey, are you sure this is wise?” Easy Pickings asked, pulling her expensive coat tighter around her neck. “I am, after all, wearing my most expensive and easiest to fence pearls…”

Easy Target laughed at his wife’s obviously misplaced fears. He took out a fat wad of bills and began to count it, something that always helped calm his nerves.  “Sweetheart, please! We are rich and powerful…nothing bad will happen to us.”

“Excuse me,” a rough looking pony said, stepping in front of them.

“MUGGER!” Easy Target screamed, throwing his wife in-between himself and the thug. Easy Pickings let out a cry as she slipped, smashing her head against the ground and ending her life within a second. Easy Target didn’t even notice as he was too busy trying to escape the robbery...

…only to trip over Scootaloo and fall into a woodchipper.

“Why would there be a woodchipper in an alley?”

“To get rid of the trees…duh!”

“But there aren’t trees in an alley!”

“Because the woodchipper already chipped them up!”

“Geez, I was just going to ask for the time…” the ‘thug’ said in shock. He looked down at Scootaloo and gave her a gentle pat on the head. “Listen little filly, I’ll go get a doctor, ok?” He looked at her adopted parents, eyebrow raised. “Of course, considering how stupid those two were, you might be better off an orphan…” he quickly galloped off as the other ‘rough’ and ‘tough’ ponies moved in to try and comfort the crying filly.

Scootaloo shook her head, trembling as she walked over to her father, who was quickly being chewed up by the woodchipper. “Dad…”

“Scootaloo…listen….don’t…don’t be…”

“Afraid?” Scootaloo asked.

“I was going to say poor but I guess that works too.”

And then he died.

~MC~MC~MC~

Pumpkin and Pound Cake looked at Twilight and the unicorn got the distinct impression that the twins were silently begging her to take them with her and not leave them alone with the obviously insane pink mare or the two gossips they called parents.

“You are going to have so many therapy bills,” Twilight muttered, the twins nodding in agreement. “Well, this has been…strange, but I didn’t smash my head against a table so I’d say you have been the best pony I talked to today, Pinkie. Congrats. Now, I really-“

Pinkie spun around Twilight like a mini-hurricane, the unicorn letting out a yelp when she realized she had been duct taped to the bed. “Nuh uh uh! I’m not done yet, Twilight, so you just sit right there and listen!” Pinkie got a slightly deranged look in her eye. “Or else.”

“Uh…Pinkie…have you ever read the book Misery?”

“Nope! Why do you ask?”

“…no reason,” Twilight said meekly.

~MC~MC~MC~

Scootaloo sat in the recliner, staring up at the night sky. She was dressed in a red bathrobe, her normally spikey purple mane hanging limp as she turned her attention to the portrait of her adopted parents.

“Mom…dad…and, uh…other mom and dad who also died…I will avenge your deaths. I will become a watchful guardian…a silent protector. I will be the mistress of the shadow…no…that is what I am now!” Scootaloo leapt up, striking a dramatic pose. “I am the mistress of the shadows! I am the guardian of the night! I am the avenger of wrongs! I am the terror…that flaps in the night! I am…”

Daring mare of mystery
Champion of right!
Swoops out of the shadows
Guardian of the night!
Somewhere some villain schemes
But his numbers up!
( 4, 3, 2, 1!)


Mare-Do-Well!
(When there’s trouble, call MDW!)
Mare-Do-Well!
(Let’s Get Dangerous!)
Mare-Do-Well!
(Mare-Do, Mare-Do-Well!)


Cloud of smoke and she appears
The mistress of surprise!
Who’s that daring mare behind
The shadowy disguise?
Nopony knows for sure
Bad guys are out of luck!
Here comes


Mare-Do-Well! (lookout!)
(When there’s trouble, call MDW!)
Mare-Do-Well!
(Let’s Get Dangerous!)
Mare-Do-Well!
(Better watch out you bad colts!)
Mare-Do-Well!


“Uh…Pinkie?”


~MC~MC~MC~


“Pinkie…we were Mare-Do-Well.”


The happy pink baker blinked, still panting after her song about the great Mare-Do-Well, before giving Twilight a condescending smile and a pat on the head. “Silly Twilight! We’re Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle.”


Twilight’s shoulders slumped. “We were also Mare-Do-Well…remember?’


“Uh…nope!”


“Pinkie, I can literally see your costume hanging in your closet!” Pinkie turned and found that, yes, the Mare-Do-Well costume was there. “I am concerned you can’t remember…I think you might have brain damage! And that’s coming from somepony that bashed her head against two different tables today!”


“Twilight, you can’t damage your brain! That’s why heads are so hard! Watch!” Pinkie Pie giggled, trotting over to her end table and giving it such a smack that it rendered her unconscious.


Pumpkin Cake crawled over to Pinkie, poking her. Twilight, realizing this was her chance, broke free of the duct tape and quickly made for the window only to find the twins look at her with pleading eyes. “Sorry, find your own escape route!”


And with that, Twilight leapt from the window and hurried off.


Instantly Pinkie Pie leapt up, giving the twins a hug. “And that is how you prank Twilight Sparkle! Next time I’ll show you how to mess around with Dashie!”


> Iron Will
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Luna had certainly done a nice job with the stars that night.

Twilight had begun to trot back to the library after escaping Pinkie Pie and her crazy ideas (‘The world revolving around the sun…that mare is insane!’) and was quite surprised to find that night had fallen. The moon hung overhead and without a cloud in the sky she was able to see all the twinkling stars that shined above her. Luna had really outdone herself and Twilight wondered if the alicorn realized just how many ponies had come to love her sky.

'Nice work, 'mom',' Twilight thought with a snort. She couldn't believe how many ponies thought she was related to Luna...just because they both had dark coat...and their cutie marks dealt with the night sky, and Twilight had never seen any foal pictures of herself in her parents' house...

“Beautiful night, isn’t it?” Twilight turned to find herself joined by Ponyville’s resident madpony, Doctor Whooves (‘Just the Doctor will be fine, thank you’ he had once told them).  The brown stallion smiled slightly as he looked up at the sky, marveling at its beauty. “Amazing how it looks so different here than it does back home…or when half of those stars burn out after the Great Universal Civil War...”

Twilight merely smiled, deciding that she didn’t want to try and figure out what he was talking about. The Doctor was always making strange little comments like that and the residents of Ponyville had learned to ignore him. Heck, the only one that seemed to take any notice of his strangeness was Derpy…and that pony was the last one that should be considering others weird.

“So, what are you doing out this late?” The Doctor asked as they passed Quills and Beds (Not to be confused with Beds and Quills or Ray's Original Quills and Beds). “Off on an adventure? Fighting dragons or taking on the Queen of Fear?”

“Queen of what?”

“Oh…nothing,” The Doctor said before muttering “Spoilers.”

Ignoring his strange comments, Twilight turned a corner and began to head home. “Actually, none of the above. Somehow I got suckered into finding out about Scootaloo’s past and I’ve been dealing with crazy theories all day.”

The Doctor nodded, though it was clear from his lack of a smile that he was disappointed in her answer. “I suppose you can’t always have crazy adventures.” He paused, replaying her last statement. “Wait…didn’t we already do this?”

“Huh?”

“You and Scootaloo. Your little dragon friend jumped on your head then I told you about Scootaloo.” At Twilight’s blank stare The Doctor cursed in frustration. “Stupid Tardis! I wanted to go 12 hours into the future and it sent me 12 hours into the past…listen, I will see you in the morning but I won’t remember any of this…oh, and remember to take a step to your left…or was it right?” He left a bemused Twilight standing in the road as he stalked away to go make corrections to his beloved blue box.

Twilight shook her head, a smile gracing her lips. Perhaps what the capricorns of Bridle Bay said was true: Every pony in Equestria was crazy.

Deciding to take a shortcut back to the library, Twilight took a quick left, only to find herself engulfed by a massive crowd of ponies. “What the?” Twilight began to push her way through the throng, ponies muttering all about ‘his return’ and ‘he’s back’ and ‘hope I get picked to go on stage’. Twilight, no knowing or caring what was happening, wanted nothing more to get through the crowd and continue on her journey.

So she wasn’t very happy when her head collided with a stage the moment she popped out of the crowd.

“Who put this-“ Twilight never got to finish, as she suddenly found herself bathed in fireworks and explosions that left her pupils pulsing and her ears ringing. She stumbled back, another unicorn and a pegasus catching her as she tumbled, and Twilight looked up as the fireworks ended, revealing a large, muscle-bound minotaur standing on the stage, a microphone in his hand.  The ponies around Twilight began to stomp their hooves, letting out cheers and whistles.

“Finally….Iron Will…has come back…to PONYVILLE!”

“Oh Celestia…” Twilight grumbled, rolling her eyes at the showboating minotaur. Of all the parks in all of Equestria, she had to wander into this one.

“You know what Iron Will sees when he looks out at the fine ponies of Ponyville? He sees ponies that want to take charge of their lives! Ponies that want what they deserve! Iron Will asks what is wrong with that? Everyone deserves to have what they want!” He began to point at the ponies in the crowd. “You with the blonde mane: you deserve what you want! The silver pegasus: you deserve what you want! You,” he said, pointing at Twilight, “the confused, bandaged unicorn that is scowling! You deserve what you want!”

“Well, I want you to stop pointing at me, can I get that?” 

“Done and done!” Iron Will reached down and plucked Twilight up onto the stage. “I can tell right away that you are not somepony that lets others push you around. What is your name, fine lady?”

“Uh, it’s-“

“IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!” Iron Will roared, Twilight’s face pulling back like she was in an accelerator chamber from the sheer force of the cry. “And why is that everypony?” he called out to the audience.

“Because unless you are lame, everyone already knows your name!” the crowd cheered.

Twilight blinked, shaking her head in an attempt to get some of her hearing back. “It’s like being surrounded by 50 Zecoras,” she muttered, slowly backing away from the massive motivational speaker. “Listen, all I did was take a wrong turn…and I just want to get back home and sleep off the headache I’ve gotten from all the craziness I’ve dealt with today-“

“And what craziness is that? Tell Iron Will!” He motioned for his goat assistants  to pull out, of all things, a desk and a loveseat. “Because Iron Will isn’t just about assertiveness! When he sees a pony that embodies what Iron Will believes in, Iron Will wants to sit down…" he instantly stopped shouting and instead took on a more conversational tone, "and have a nice chat to learn more about them,” Twilight barely had time to process what was going on before she found herself sitting on the comfy couch, Iron Will taking a seat behind the desk, grabbing a mug of coffee and taking a sip as he checked over some cue cards. Overhead, a sign was lowered that read “Chattin’ with Iron Will”. “Now then…Miss…?”

“Uh…Twilight,” she said, thankful he wasn’t screaming at her.

“Twilight. Can we have a round of applause for Twilight?” The audience let out whoops of delight. “Twilight, you hail from Ponyville, right?” Twilight, utterly confused, could only nod, which caused the ponies in the audience to cheer even louder, one of them crying out ‘I’m from there!’ even though they were all currently in and from Ponyville.  “Now, you were saying something about craziness? Why don’t you tell us about it? Do you have a clip?”

"What? A clip? What do you...?" The unicorn looked at him, Iron Will taking another sip of coffee as he waited for her to speak. Realizing he wouldn't let her leave until she spoke, Twilight took a slow, calming breath. “Well…I have been having a rough day-“

“Well, tell us about it! The millions-“

“AND MILLIONS!” the crowd cheered.

“-of Iron Will’s fans want to hear about it.”

Deciding that she better hurry up unless she wanted Iron Will to spout off another catchphrase, Twilight quickly said, “I have been trying to find out about this little filly, Scootaloo, but everyone keeps telling me these crazy stories-”

Iron Will held up a hand, motioning for Twilight to stop. “Then why didn’t you say so in the first place! Iron Will knows all about Boogaloo-“

“Scootaloo.”

“-and he will tell you her tale of assertiveness!”

“…listen, it’s really late, and I know how this is going to go down, so can we just skip this part and-“

~MC~MC~MC~

Scootaloo sighed, watching as the other fillies and colts scampered out the door. They were all giggling as they met their parents who were waiting for them just outside the small building that served as their school. Sometimes she wished she could have somepony waiting for her. It was silly, of course, because there simply was no way her parents would ever set a hoof in Ponyville…not after all the bad that had happened. She lowered her head, noticing that a few of the parents were giving her the evil eye. They knew exactly who she was and didn’t want their children anywhere near her. It hurt her heart but she remembered what her parents had always told her: don’t make a scene, it only leads to trouble.

Scootaloo scowled and leapt onto her scooter, rocketing away from the school and making her way far from Ponyville to her parent’s cottage that sat on the edge of the Everfree. It was a section of Ponyville that few ever came to and that is why her parents had made their home there, to avoid the prying eyes of the ponies that hated and despised them.

“Mom, I’m home!”  Scootaloo called out, throwing off her helmet and hurrying into the kitchen, where her mother was making brownies.

“The Great and Powerful Trixie is wondering if you had a good time as school, Scootie-Tootie. Also, would you like some milk with your snack?”

“Wait a minute… Trixie is Scootaloo’s mom?!?! Then who the heck is her father?”

“Hey babe, I’m home!” 

“Gilda!” Trixie said happily, giving her griffon lover a kiss.

“STOP!”

~MC~MC~MC~

The audience murmured as Twilight pointed a shaking hoof at Iron Will. “No…no no no! I already had this conversation once today! You need a stallion and a mare to make a foal!”

“Right,” Iron Will said calmly.

“…then how could they be Scootaloo’s parents?!?!”

“They adopted.”

Somewhere offstage, Twilight heard a trombone go "waa waa waaaaaa".

“…oh.”

“Iron Will is disappointed that you are such a bigot!”

Twilight’s jaw dropped. “I’m not a-“

"Just because a couple is interspecies does not mean they can not provide a loving home! Why, Iron Will's uncle is married to a very nice sphinx!"

“Hate monger!” Someone in the audience yelled.

“You should be ashamed!”

“I like yelling things!”

“Ok, ok, I’m sorry!” Twilight called out, flailing her front legs in a panic. The crowd began to settle down and Twilight slumped in her chair, wishing this day would just end. “I didn’t mean to insinuate anything. Sorry.”

“Iron Will accepts your apology! What do we say when someone finally admits they are wrong?”

“ABOUT TIME!” The crowd cheered.

“Not my normal catchphrase, I will admit, but it works.”

Twilight lowered her head, wondering if it was too late to go talk to Mrs. Cake and hear more of her crazy couple theories. At least at Sugarcube Corner there wasn’t an audience cheering slogans (that she knew of). "By the way, how do you know Gilda and Trixie?"

~3 Months Earlier~

"Hi, I'm Iron Will."

"HI IRON WILL!" the gathering of ponies and other creatures called out.

"It has been 3 weeks since I dealt with one of the Elements of Harmony and had to leave Ponyville."

Flim and Flam nodded, patting him on the shoulder while Trixie and Gilda cuddled in the corner and Discord's statue...well, just sat there because it was a statue.

"Sorry I'm late guys!" a great red dragon bellowed, ripping off the roof of the community center so he could participate.

~MC~MC~MC~

"...I am doubting the validity of that story," Twilight said coolly.

~MC~MC~MC~

"Scootaloo, what is the matter?" Gilda asked, looking up from her sunflower seed salad. The loving family (and they were loving, despite what some evil bigoted unicorns would have you believe) had sat down to dinner and Gilda had noticed her little orange sweetie-pie was looking down. "You haven't touched your oats." 

"Moms...why can't we do normal things like a real family?" Scootaloo asked. “Why can’t you pick me up from school or go have lunch in town? Why do we have to wear our paper bags of shame when we go get groceries.” Scootaloo pointed to two large bags and a smaller, filly size bag in the corner, all three with eyeholes cut in them.

"Your Great and Powerful Mother has explained this too you before," Trixie said, pulling Scootaloo closer to her so she could give her a hug. "The ponies in Ponyville will never accept us. They simply don't like us and we are ok with that. Trying to change that will only lead to confrontation.” Trixie gently nuzzled the filly.  "If you have any hope of living a quiet, unimportant life you have to keep your head down. Do you remember that game we use to play?"'

"You mean 'Doormat'?" Scootaloo said glumly.

Trixie grinned. "That's right! Life is just like that game: you only win if you lay completely still and don't move a muscle when people walk all over you."

"I guess..." Scootaloo said softly, pushing around an oat flake with her hoof, eyes downcast. "I just don't understand why you don't stand up for yourselves and be more assertive."

"We both tried that once and it cost us, babe," Gilda answered. "My best friend couldn't handle my rad attitude and abandoned me, and Trixie was chased out of town by a nerdy bookworm who’s probably never even kissed a boy!"

"Hey! I've...I've kissed plenty of boys...like George...Glass. He’s not made up at all…really."

"We both realized that the only way you can be happy in life is to just roll over and let people treat you horribly. If you try to stand up for yourself it only leads to heartache."

Scootaloo wasn't convinced. "But I recently got this book by a motivational speaker named Iron Will and he says that when done right, you can earn respect from your peers by being assertive."

Trixie tapped her chin, using her magic to pull the book to her from Scootaloo's room. "Well, Trixie will admit that Iron Will is a very handsome minotaur and anyone, including that ex girlfriend of his Whiny Betty, was a fool to break up with him.

Gilda moved her chair over so she could read over the first chapter as well, wrapping an arm around Trixie. "Huh...according to this there is a difference between aggressively forcing your views on others and being assertive." She began to read over the chapter, each well written word (which made Playwrite the Great look like Playwrite the Average) made the tough griffon feel her excitement swell. "Wow, this guy isn't lame at all! He is totally cool!" She rose up, head held up high. "Iron Will and his magnificent words have convinced me: we are going to march into Ponyville and be more assertive! We will earn the respect of the town and they will give us everything we deserve!"

Trixie nodded, hugging her daughter close. "Scootaloo, where did you get this amazing book?"

Scootaloo laughed. "Iron Will's 'From Lame to Fame Game', along with his other writings including 'I am Equestria (And So Can You!)' and 'Hairy Trotter and the Goblet of Assertiveness' can all be found at your local bookstores for the low low price of 19.99-"

"Wait a minute....is this story just a pitch to sell your book?"

~MC~MC~MC~

The audience stopped cheering and Iron Will, who had been flexing his biceps and striking dramatic poses as he told the grand finale of his story, blinked in confusion as he sat down at his desk. "Well...yeah." Twilight's eye began to twitch worse than two grasshoppers bumping uglies. "But why should that matter? Didn't that story show you to never give up and even the smallest of you can change the minds of others and be assertive? Don't you want to be like Doobeloo?"

The crowd roared with applause, tossing their bits onto the stage (and in the case of one overly-excited mare, her bloomers...though why she was wearing bloomers when she hadn't even been wearing pants no pony knew) demanding their copies of Iron Will's books right then and there. 

Twilight watched all of this with a burning fury that, with a blast of flames that would have made Spike proud, erupted violently along her body, sending her 3 feet in the air as her voice deepened to a Royal Canterlot Voice.

"ENOUGH! DON'T ANY OF YOU REALIZE THAT HE IS JUST SPOUTING OFF ONE LINERS AND COMMON SENSE IN THE HOPE OF GETTING YOUR BITS?!?! HE DIDN'T EVEN ANSWER MY QUESTION!"

Iron Will tilted his head, considering her words...before flashing a winning smile and gesturing towards the flaming unicorn. "See how assertive she was? You can be like that too when you buy my book!"

Twilight landed with a thud, staring at all the ponies in utter shock as they cheered wildly. The flames turned off, her skin returned to normal and Twilight lowered her head in defeat. "Iron Will?"

"Yes Twilight?"

"Do you...have any tables I can bash my head against?"

"No...but I do have these sheets of plywood!" He gestured to his assistants, who brought out several thick pieces of wood. "We use them as part of our ‘Breakthrough’ sess-"

CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK!

"Wow," Iron Will said in shock as Twilight broke each board in rapid succession, before trotting off the stage, grumbling in utter annoyance. "A hand for Twilight, everyone!" 

"Yeah!"

"Go Twilight!"

"I still like yelling things!”

Twilight grit her teeth in frustration. "Wish I WAS Nightmare Moon's daughter...I'd summon such a nightfall on all of you..."

Iron Will clapped his hands before returning to his desk, playing with his pencil as his assistants handed out copies of his book to his paying customers. "Coming up next we have Vinyl Scratch with a single from her new album. We'll be right back."

If you would like tickets to the Chattin' with Iron Will Show, send a self addressed stamped envelope to-
> Doctor Whooves
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

After surviving Iron Will and his demented seminar/talk show, Twilight had made it back to the library without abusing her head any further, though what she found there was quite a surprise. Spike had been so sorry for causing her stress that he had cleaned the entire library and filed many of the scrolls she had never gotten around to finishing as his way of apologizing. After feeling frustrated for so long Twilight had wept at the simple display of love from her #1 Assistant/friend and given him a giant hug. Empowered by Spike's actions Twilight had felt her anger at the day and the craziness it had brought melt away and she had informed the baby dragon that they were going to take the morning off and just have fun; Spike had jokingly examined her eyes to make sure she didn't have a concussion.

Twilight had fallen asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow, allowing blissful rest to claim her. Her last thought had been 'Well, tomorrow will be 100% better'.

Apparently the Creator had a mean streak, as Twilight awoke hours later to find Princess Luna standing over her bed. The unicorn let out a yelp and tried to get out so she could bow, but Luna waved her off.

"It's alright, Twilight Sparkle," Luna said. Since Nightmare Night Luna had been working to avoid slipping into the formal Royal Canterlot Voice and Twilight was thankful for that. "I merely wished to speak with you."

"Oh...of course Princess...about what?"

"Tell me...did my sister ever tell you what happened to your mother?"

Twilight's brow screwed up in utter confusion. "I...I don't understand...my mother is fine, I just sent a letter to her last week..."

"No," Luna said sternly, and suddenly her coat turned inky black, her mane lengthened and armor flew onto her body as she grew to Celestia's size, taking once more the mantle of Nightmare Moon. "I...am your mother."

"No...no…that's not true..." Twilight whispered in shock, clinging to her headboard. "That's impossible!"

"Search your feelings, you know it to be true!"

"...nooooooo!!" Twilight screamed, feeling the honesty in Nightmare Moon's words. She cradled one of her hooves to her chest and wept.

"Twilight…you can destroy Princess Celestia, she has foreseen this! It is your destiny...join me and together we can rule Equestria as mother and daughter!"

“…no!” Twilight shouted.

Nightmare Moon gave her a dark look. “Yeah, that wasn’t a request.”

"NOOO!" Twilight screamed as Nightmare Moon's eyes glowed, summoning dark-tinted armor that latched onto the unicorn's body. She fell out of her bed, crying out as she felt her body twist, wings bursting from her back and her own mane becoming flowing energy as she transformed into a smaller replica of Nightmare Moon.

"Nightmare Moon Jr....rise," Nightmare Moon cackled as the dark energy took hold of Twilight's mind.

"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" She screamed, her voice older and more mature as the evil finished its corruption....

"Twilight! Twilight!"

Twilight blinked, finding herself lying on the floor. The 'armor' and 'mane' were in fact her covers wrapped around her and 'Nightmare Moon' was merely Spike, trying to shake her free of her twisted dream. 

"Spike!" Twilight squealed, grabbing him and hugging him so tight his eyes bugged out of his head. "Oh, I am so glad you aren't Princess Luna!"

"Twilight..."

"Yes Spike?"

"AIR!"

Twilight sheepishly let go, Spike falling onto her lap and gasping as wonderful cool air filled his deflated lungs. "Sorry about that Spike...just a bad dream."

"Gee...I...*gasp*...didn't....*gasp*...realize!"  Spike finally managed to stand back up and helped his friend and mentor untangle herself from the sheets. "Geez Twilight, the last time you had a nightmare that bad was when you heard the rumor that Scrolls 'r Us was shutting down."

Twilight shuddered. "Don't even joke about that."  

~MC~MC~MC~

An hour later Twilight and Spike were making their way through Ponyville, doing their best to ignore the stares and whispered murmurs coming from nearly every pony they passed. It seemed that word had spread about Twilight's freak-outs at Sugarcuge Corner and Iron Will's seminar and everypony was debating whether they should give her a wide berth or get closer and see if they could prompt her to go into another rage. The Ponyville Theater Group wouldn't be putting on their next play for 3 weeks ('Colts and Dolls', which was sure to be a smash) so the only real source of entertainment they had was each other...and Twilight was always an easy target (but a dangerous one, hence why so few ever actively tried to screw with her).

Spike paused in the middle of the road, eyes widening as he saw the brown stallion that was making his way towards them. "Twilight look, it's the Doctor! Quick, let’s hide and hope he doesn't see us!"

Twilight frowned, glancing down at her assistant. "Why would we do that, Spike? The Doctor is a perfectly ok pony."

"If by OK you mean Only Kooky, then ya." Spike shuddered slightly. "He gives me the creeps."

"That's not nice, Spike. Yes, the Doctor is...odd." Twilight remembers her meeting with him the night before and rolled her eyes. "Ok, very odd. But that doesn't mean we should shun him."

"But it's so weird how he one minute knows everything about us and the next he can't remember a conversation we had 2 hours ago. It just doesn't make any sense."

"Well, time travel will do that too you," the Doctor said, having managed to sneak up on the two. Spike let out a yelp and leapt into the air, coming to rest on the top of Twilight's head. 

"Don't do that!" Spike screeched.

"Hello Doctor," Twilight said, using her magic to pull Spike from her head. "How are you doing today?"

"Oh good, very good. Just managed to defeat some Weeping Angels that were threatening to swarm Ponyville, so that is always exciting! Derpy was rather happy it ended as soon as it did; was afraid we'd be late and she'd have to call in to work. Makes no sense, really...tried to explain that with time travel we can be whenever we want whereever we want, whatever we want.  Dinky got it of course, but..."

Twilight and Spike both felt their eyes glazing over as the Doctor continued his long, drawn out speech. They had learned a while ago that it was best just to let the Doctor prattle on, as attempting to interrupt him would get a pony a stiff scolding.

"...and I think I might have accidentally invented hay fries, but as long as we managed to help Rainbow Dash create her Sonic Rainboom, then all of it was good." The Doctor chuckled to himself. "Don't think I'd want to go back to a world where Rarity is a rock farmer and Applejack is a snooty businessmare.  And your friend Fluttershy being married to Iron Will? About as strange as Pinkie Pie being a beat poet. Still, it was rather funny to see Rainbow Dash as Zecora's apprentice." He looked over at Twilight, face puckering up rather fiercely. "I could have done without you hoofing me in the face though, Captain Sparkle."

"Now do you wish we'd have hid?" Spike hissed. Twilight didn't dignify his question with a response (but the answer was 'Yes').

"So tell me Twilight, what exactly are you two off to do this fine morning?"

"Well, after the insanity from last night, I decided Spike and I needed a day off."

"Insanity? Oh, I hate when I miss crazy things! What happened?"

Spike grinned, speaking before Twilight could shut him up. "Twilight went crazy because everypony kept telling her nutty stories about Scootaloo. Well...except for me. My story was awesome!" The baby dragon puffed out his chest and closed his eyes, giving them his best 'important dragon' pose.

"Sure it was, Spike," Twilight muttered.

"Fascinating..." the Doctor said, tapping his chin. "You know...I know a story about Scootaloo...."

Twilight ran her tongue along the inside of her cheek, realizing that fighting this would do nothing to stop the Doctor. "Ok, fine...tell us your story."

"Lovely! Now then..."

~MC~MC~MC~

Apple Bloom sighed as she dipped her sponge into the bucket of soapy water, careful not to get her nose wet. Beside her Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo were also scrubbing away at the floors, under the watchful eye of Applejack. "Guess we ain't Cutie Mark Paint Ball Champs, huh?"

"Darn tootin' ya ain't!" Applejack complained. "Look at the mess ya girls made! Got paint all over the walls and the floor and the ceiling...and I won't even get into what ya did to Big Macintosh!" She looked over at her brother, who was rocking back and forth in a corner, sucking on his hoof, eyes wide with fear. He had been painted blue with streaks of different colors in his hair, making him look like a giant Rainbow Dash. "I don't think he's ever gonna recover."

"Eeeyup....Noooope....Eeeyup....Noooope..." the stallion murmured, rocking back and forth.

"We were just trying to get our cutie marks!" Sweetie Belle said, cleaning up a new section of the floor.

"And I get that but that ain't an excuse for tearin' apart all of Ponyville! I mean, we just got over you summonin' those metal critters with the squeaky voices from outer space."

"Exterminate! Exterminate!" Apple Bloom said with a giggle. "They were so silly! One good buck and they went kaboom!"

"Yeah, it all worked out there but if you girls keep it up you are going to cause alot of pain and sufferin'."

"Eeyup...nooope....eeyup....nooope."

Applejack scowled. "I mean...more than what you've already caused.

"Wait, I don't remember any metal creatures invading."

"Ah, well shortly after this moment I had to reboot the universe. Deleted the Dal...I mean the metal creatures...right out of history."

"I don't think that's scientifically poss-"

The apple farmer stood next to her sister, finding a clean spot on the floor and wrapping her front leg around the little filly. "Listen, I know ya'll are anxious ta get your marks, but you really should take it easy...you'll get them soon enough."

"Except that one," Granny Smtih said, pointing at Scootaloo. "Never heard of a chicken getting a cutie mark."

"Granny Smith! That is very rude! Scootaloo is a fine filly and you shouldn't say such mean things!"

Granny just scoffed. "She's a chicken, I tell ya, a big chicken!" She then hobbled over to the fridge and poured herself a big glass of cider. "Time for my medicine."

"Applejack, is there anyone in our family that isn't crazy?" Apple Bloom asked.

"Nnnnoooope!" Big Macintosh exclaimed from the corner.

"No one asked you!"

~MC~MC~MC~

Twilight blinked, tilting her head slightly as she stared at Doctor Whooves. "Wow."

"What...is something the matter? It isn't fangirls, is it?" The Doctor looked around, as if expecting a legion of hormonal fillies to burst out of the ground and attack him.

"No...this is just a really normal story. Really surprised me."

The Doctor smirked. "Everything that happens to me is normal...well, to me it is. For you all I am sure it is a cluster-"

"Duck!" Spike cried out as Rainbow Dash flew overhead, almost striking them.

“SORRY!” Rainbow Dash called out.

Once the three of them were back on their feet, the Doctor continued his tale once more.

~MC~MC~MC~

"You think maybe our cutie marks are invisible?" Sweetie Belle asked as the three crusaders walked through town. It had taken them nearly half the day to clean up Applejack's kitchen and once freed by the tyrant Apple Bloom called 'sis' the three fillies had happily made their way into Ponyville, wanting to get back to crusading.

"What do you mean?" Apple Bloom asked.

"I mean maybe they are invisible cutie marks...we just can't see them. Maybe our talent is turning invisible!" She slowly snuck up to a pony. "Oooooooo....you can't see me."

The earth pony reached down and playfully bopped her on the head. 

"So much for that theory!" Apple Bloom complained. "We are never going to figure out what our cutie marks are!"

Scootaloo sighed, kicking a stone down the road in frustration. Unfortunately, said stone ended up bouncing into the path of a wagon, and the addition of a pebble to the road surface caused the wagon to swing wildly out of control.

"Look out!" Apple Bloom shouted, leaping out of the way just as the wagon nearly struck them. Luckily, the three girls were able to get out of the way...unluckily the wagon now had a free path to strike the 'Wounded Orphan Puppy Hospital', causing it to burst into flames. "Holy-"

"How...how did we..." Sweetie Belle gasped. "How did one stone cause that?!?"

"Because your special talent is chaos, my dear." The fillies turned, staring in horror at the leering figure that stood before them.'

"D-D-D-Discord!" 

"In the flesh," the spirit of disharmony said with a smirk and a saucy bow.

"Wait a minute...we defeated Discord! How the heck is he back?"

"Twilight, Twilight, Twilight...good villains never go away. They might look different or act different...but as long as there is demand they will always come back."

"Who would demand-"

"What are ya doin' here, Discord?" Apple Bloom said, trying to sound more heroic than she felt.

"Such anger!" Discord said, giving a mock tremble. "I don't know why you are so upset...I am merely here to congratulate you on discovering your special talent."

"What?" Sweetie Belle asked, utterly confused.

Discord pulled the three girls in close, giving them a hug. "Don't you see...your special talent is CHAOS!"

"...that makes so much sense it ain't even funny!" Apple Bloom said with a grin.

"Well, it might be a bit funny for us," Discord said with a laugh. He set them down and Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle gasped as magic began to pour into them. "Now that you know your talents you are ready to become my Chaos Making Crusaders...the commanders of my army as I retake Equestria!" The girls giggled in delight as they gained bat-like wings and their eyes turned blood red, the powers of chaos flowing through them.

"Wait...why didn't Scootaloo change?" Chaos Belle asked. Chaos Blossom nodded, brow furrowed as she realized Scootaloo was still standing there, staring at them blankly.

"Hmmm...I honestly don't know." Discord was, for the first time ever, actually confused. He had sent out the spell to convert fillies into his evil underlings, so Scootaloo should have been changed. He reached down, grabbing a hold of Scootaloo's mane. "Wait a minute..." With a yank the mane was pulled off, revealing the truth: "She's a chicken!"

It was true. The moment the mane was gone everypony saw that Scootaloo wasn't a small pegasus filly but instead a 6 foot tall chicken.

"Buck-buck-buck-bu-caaaaawww!" Chicken-Loo said, pecking at the ground.

"I told ya she was a chicken!" Granny Smith shouted.

Twilight and the rest of her friends walked over to Discord, bowing. "Truly you are meant to be our king, as you revealed this horrible chicken in our midst. We will serve you, Lord Discord, as your Elements of Disharmony and bring about glorious chaos!"

Discord smiled, clapping his hands in delight before reversing the Elements colors so they better represented their new life. "Very good...now for your first task...get the chicken."

"BU-CAAWWWWWWWWWW!" Chicken-Loo cried, racing out of town with a mob on her heels.

Chicken-Loo, 
what's the matter with you?
You don't act like other chickens do.
You wear a disguise
To fool pony eyes
But your not a mare
You're a Chicken-Loo!

~MC~MC~MC~

Twilight and Spike stared dumbly as the Doctor, who was looking at them with a big grin plastered on his face.

"Twilight...I didn't know you were working for Discord," Spike said.

"Well, she isn't now. A timey-wimey ripply thing altered the past and now we are in this timeline. Much better, in my opinion," the Doctor said.

"...still the best explanation I've heard so far." Twilight turned to her assistant. "Make a note: until a better answer is found, Scootaloo is a 6 foot tall chicken."

Spike took out a quill and a piece of paper. "6...foot...tall...secret...agent...chicken..."

"Spike..."

"Ok, ok," Spike said, changing the note to eliminate the 'secret agent' note. "Anything else I should put."

"Yes, put down-AAAAAAAAARRRGGGG!" Twilight let out a cry as Derpy slammed into her, sending the two rolling head over flank into an outdoor cafe, finally coming to a stop against a patio table.

"...how many As are in 'AARRRGGGG!'?"
> Derpy Hooves
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Miss Sparkle? Are you ok?”

Twilight groaned, pressing her hoof against her throbbing forehead.  ‘Dear Princess Celestia, I learned today that a unicorn’s skull can only be hit so many times before she begins suffering blackouts. Please alert the media. –Twilight.’

“Hellloooooooo!” Twilight felt a tiny hoof peel back her eyelid. “You awake Miss Sparkle?”

Twilight let out a yelp and scrambled away from the little pony that had clamored onto her chest. “Oh Celestia, Derpy?!?! Oh no…that last bump must have damaged my pituitary gland and now I’ve grown gigantic!”

“Uh…what?” the little pony said.

“Did I crush Spike?!?” Twilight began to look at her hooves in horror She pressed her hooves to her eyes, screaming in terror.  “Spike! I’m sorry I squished you!” she sobbed.

“Uh, Miss Sparkle?”

“Quiet tiny Derpy, I am mourning my dead assistant/friend! Oh Spike, you were more than that! You were my son! Not my ‘Oh honey, let’s plan to have a baby’ son…more like my ‘oh crap, I got knocked up after that Vinyl Scratch rave!’ kind of son but that still makes you my son!”  Twilight sat down and cried a river of tears. “MY SON IS DEAD!”

“If I’m your son, does that make Nightmare Moon my grandma?” Spike said, entering the bedroom. “Oh, hi Dinky! Your mom is looking for you.”

“Ok! See you in the kitchen, Miss Sparkle!” Dinky Hooves giggled, jumping off the bed and happily skipping away, leaving a trembling Twilight Sparkle and an utterly confused Spike all alone.

“Huh…apparently seeing mares suffering from mental breakdowns doesn't concern her. Must be a common sight in this house.” Spike sat down on the bed next to his friend/mentor/’mom’ “Twilight…you ok?”

“Spike, am I a giant?” Twilight whimpered.

“What? No!” Spike exclaimed. “You are just a magical pony who is the protégée to our land’s sun goddess, the leader of the legendary Elements of Harmony, and may or may not be the biological daughter of Nightmare Moon and Discord. You are not a giant, that would be silly. Now, should I call her Grandma Moon or Granny Nightmare?”

“I am not Nightmare-wait, when did Discord become my father?”

“I think it was the moment when he mounted grandma and stuck his-“

“SPIKE!” Twilight roared.

“Geez, I thought you were going to take it easy today.” He wiggled his finger in his ear. “Listen, after Derpy hit you she brought you to her house so you could recover. They’ve been baking muffins all morning to apologize.”

“Derpy baked muffins just to apologize?” Twilight said with a smile.

“Well…they bake muffins everyday…I think they are just claiming it is to say ‘We’re sorry’.”

“Oh,” Twilight said, a bit dejectedly. “I…guess that works.” Under her breath she muttered,  “No pony ever makes me apology muffins…”

“I made you some last week!” Spike complained.

“…no pony makes me EDIBLE muffins.”

“Sure, if you are going to get technical…come on, let’s go get some.” Twilight leapt off the bed and followed after her friend. “Besides, you should be glad they didn’t make brownies…then they would see that weird thing you do.”

“Why does everypony keep saying that?” Twilight muttered, trotting into the kitchen and watched as Ditzy Derpidella ‘Derpy’ (W)Hooves (nee Doo) expertly poured muffin mix in one pan while grabbing a finished pan from the oven and leaving them for Dinky to place on a paper plate.  Mother and daughter happily hummed to themselves as they set about getting the bake goods all squared away, leaving Twilight and Spike standing in the doorway, unsure if they should move lest they break the two’s concentration.

“Oh, hi Twilight!” Derpy exclaimed happily, tail swishing  as she saw that the unicorn was up and about.  "I’m glad I didn’t break your skull open after that hit!”

“Hello Derpy…listen, thank you for letting me rest here.”

“Not a problem! With the number of times I accidentally hurt people the Doctor suggested we make a guest room for all the recovering ponies.”

Dinky giggled. “But then Sparkler came to live with us and became my big sister so now we have to wait and build a new room! I said we should just put the room in the Tardis but daddy made a funny face like this:” Dinky screwed up her lips and bulged her eyes out, “and mommy said I shouldn’t bring that up again.” Dinky began bouncing around Twilight and Spike, a muffin stuck on her horn. Twilight used her magic to free the treat and took a big bite, nearly turning into a puddle of lavender goo at the wondrous taste.

"So, what were you and the Doctor talking about, Twilight?" Derpy asked, easily handling the tray of muffins with the skill of a world-class surgeon. It was clear the mare would have made an amazing chef if all any pony ever wanted was muffins. 

"Well," Twilight said, deciding not to focus on how strange it was for Derpy to call her…husband(?)….The Doctor, "I really don't know how I ended up down this path, but I am trying to figure out about Scootaloo's past."

"She goes to my school!" Dinky said with glee, spearing another muffin and hurrying over to give it to Spike.

"The Doctor didn't tell you the chicken theory, did he?" When Twilight and Spike nodded their eyes Derpy rolled her eyes (well, one of them...the other merely looked normal before drooping back down). "He's been talking about that ever since we got back last week! Ponies are going to think he is crazy."

"Too late for that," Spike muttered.

"Daddy is so silly!" Dinky said with a giggle. "Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey! You should ask mommy! She knows EVERYTHING!"

Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Well...I am trying to keep more of an open mind today...why not? Derpy, tell us your take on Scootaloo."

"You sure?" Derpy asked, secretly delighted that somepony as important as Twilight wanted to hear what she had to say. "Ok, so-"

"Wait!" Spike hollered, jumping onto the table and walking over to Derpy, pressing his face to hers. "You aren't going to say she is really a muffin, are you?”

"Not anymore I'm not!" Derpy said happily. Dinky, giggling at her mother's antics, quickly ran out of the room, but not before turning off the lights.

"Why did she-"

"We're setting the mood," Derpy said, trying her best to look solemn and important.  "Our story begins in the future..."

"The future? But I want to know about Scootaloo's past," Twilight gently reminded her.

"Yes, but to know her past we must go back….to the future!"

Dinky chose that moment to rush back in, wearing a collar of glowing lights and slapped one on Twilight, Spike, and Derpy before sitting back down at the table. "In the year 2000! In the year 2000!" she sang.

“Oh boy,” Twilight and Spike muttered.

~12 Years In The Future~

"Bye mom, bye dad!" Scootaloo called out, grabbing her scooter and making her way towards the door. 

"Scootaloo, where are you off to in such a hurry?" Fluttershy asked, trotting over to her and making sure her little girl had her helmet on.

"I'm gonna go over to Doc Brown's house and look at all his cool gadgets!" Scootaloo said excitedly.

"Well...ok, but be careful," Fluttershy said, giving her daughter a kiss on the check before wagging a hoof at her. "Don't stay out too late, young filly."

"I won't, mom! Bye dad!"

"Bye," Big Macintosh called out.

"Wait a minute...you think Fluttershy and Big Macintosh are Scootaloo's parents? But they haven't even been alone in the same room!"

"Well, they aren't her parents yet...but they will be...in the FUTURE!"

“In the year 2000!”

"Hey Doc, you in here?" Scootaloo called out, setting her scooter against a wall and slowly making her way around all the tables filled with gadgets and gizmos. The very air seemed to hum with energy as the orange filly walked towards the back of the Doc's lab, fighting the urge to touch something.

"Ah, Scootaloo!" Doc Brown called out. The Doc was a jittery unicorn with a white mane that looked like he had stuck his hoof into  a lightning storm cloud. He was always running about with his eyes opened wide as if he were caught in an everlasting state of shock. "Good good, I am glad you are here. I want to show you some of my new inventions which are needed to ensure that all of history isn't destroyed."

"Huh?" Scootaloo said, staring at the Doc and wondering if she had somehow walked into a conversation that had begun 5 minutes before.

"Know how that feels..."

The Doc hurried around the desk, galloping over to a large, mysterious structure that had been covered with a tarp. "You see, I was in the bathroom when I struck my head and inspiration struck!"

"...like your head against a faucet?"

"Exactly!" The Doc exclaimed, whipping off the tarp. "Ta-da!"

Scootaloo tilted her head, staring at the vehicle the Doc clearly loved with all his heart. "It's...a wagon."

The Doc glared at her. "It is not 'a wagon'. This...is a time machine."

"...pull the other one, Doc."

The Doc hurried over to Scootaloo and, despite her protests, tossed her into the wagon. The filly's complaints died in her throat when she saw that the wagon was filled with strange dials and buttons and gauges, including a display that had a seemingly random date from 13 years in the future. "Doc...this isn't a joke, right?"

"Not a joke in the slightest!" The Doc said gravely. "My time machine is ready to take you back to the past, my dear! Now that I have the flux capacitator installed…"

"But...why me? Why then?"

"Because I uncovered this!" The Doc's horn glowed and he pulled a faded newspaper from his cabinet. Scootaloo stared at the photo, which showed a concert at the local elementary school, and her jaw dropped.

"That's...that's me!" she exclaimed.

"Right you are! You see, that is proof you traveled back in time!"

"But...but why?"

"I did some research...do you know when your parents first fell in love?"

The answer left Scootaloo stunned. "At...at a school concert...my dad was there to see Aunt Apple Bloom and mom was there to support Miss Sweetie Belle."

"Exactly!  But clearly you were the third member of their group...if you do not go back into the past and put on that show..."

"...then my mom and dad might never get together...and I'll never be born!"

"Wait a minute, back the time machine up..."

~MC~MC~MC~

Derpy looked at Twilight, who had her eyes shut and hooves pressed to her forehead. "What's the matter, Twilight?" 

"That...that makes no sense," Twilight said, wanting to tug the light-collar of her neck. "I mean...if Scootaloo MUST go back into the past to get Fluttershy and Big Macintosh together, then it becomes a paradox!"

"Uh, but didn't you do the same thing a few weeks ago when you traveled back in time, Twilight?" Spike asked. The unicorn merely leveled a glare his way and the baby dragon wisely shut his mouth. "Never mind," he muttered.

"It is only a paradox if you believe in linear single time," Dinky said happily, grabbing another muffin. "But if you believe in infinite linear time, then you can easily travel back in time but you can't change the past because your actions already affected it. The only problem with that is that it eliminates the idea of free will because you already performed the acts you are going to perform and you cannot change your path...unless you ALSO believe in the multiverse theory which would allow for time travel and for altering the time line, but then going to the past becomes very dangerous because you are almost guaranteed to change history due to Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle.  Of course, if you subscribe to the theory of non-linear time then time travel is silly because time is merely a perception of all of us and not real. Then you merely have to unglue yourself from the current linear view and you can go to any part of your life you want, but you are unable to alter anything because once again that means you already performed the acts and free will is merely an illusion to keep the brain from realizing it is just a pain receptacle hurdling towards oblivion." 

Twilight and Spike just stared at the little unicorn, jaws hanging loose.

"Mommy, can I have some juice?"

"Sure," Derpy said, not disturbed at all by her daughter's knowledge of the timeline (she was the daughter of a Time Lord and his companion, after all!). Giving her little girl a juice box, Derpy settled back down and continued her story.

~1 Year Ago (13 Years Ago for Scootaloo)~

Scootaloo took an uneasy breath. She had been working for months to make sure everything was squared away and every possible misstep had been taken care of. She had met her Aunt Apple Bloom and Miss Sweetie Belle and become their friend (and how weird was it to be interacting with fillies that Scootaloo would know as responsible adults when she was a child...Miss Sweetie Belle was her favorite foalsitter!). She had marveled at just how different ponies were in the past (Mrs. Rarity Dragon hadn't even begun dating Mr. Spike Dragon yet!)  and it had taken some time to adjust. 

She had nearly lost it when she had seen Miss Diamond Tiara acting like a stuck up snob...she wanted to drag the little filly aside and tell her that in 5 years her father would lose everything to the Flim Flam brothers and Diamond would end up having to move in with the Apple family after her mother and father escaped Equestria to avoid the tax collectors (it worked out in the end, as Diamond and Aunt Apple Bloom became very close and Diamond Tiara would become a hard working mare who would help Sweet Apple Acres become VERY profitable).

But none of that mattered now. Through trial and tribulation Scootaloo had managed to get everything to fall into place and she was ready to recreate the magical night when her parents fell in love.  

She could see them standing next to each other, waiting for the last act to come on stage. Neither of them were paying the slightest bit of attention to one another ("According to a certain blue baker that means they are already in love...") and it was painful for the little filly to stare at her beloved mom and dad and not see them nuzzling each other or gazing at one another with longing. 

But it wouldn't be like that for long.

"Alright girls...let's do this," Scootaloo said as DJ PON-3 gave them a nod and put their record on, the upbeat tempo blaring as they leapt onto stage.

Sweetie Belle

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, sometimes I get a good feeling, yeah
I get a feeling that I never never never never had before, no no
I get a good feeling, yeah

Apple Bloom

Oh oh, sometimes I get a good feeling, yeah
I get a feeling that I never never never never had before, no no
I get a good feeling, yeah

Scootaloo

Yes I can, doubt that I leave, I'm running with this plan
Pull me, grab me, apples in the bucket can't have me
I'll be the princess one day
January first, oh, you like that gossip?
Like you the one drinking what Cakes’ sip, Bon Bon!
why ya  touch Lyra with your tongue?
How many rolling stones you want?
Yeah I got a brand new spirit,
Speak it and it's done
Woke up on the side of the bed like I won
Talk like a winner, my chest to that sun
Havin’ a party, Pinkie Pie is fun!
Now who can say that, I wanna play back
Mama knew I was a needle in a hay stack
A pegasus girl, plus Big Mac!
I got a feeling it's a wrap, ASAP

Back stage, a teal-colored unicorn looked around and, spotting Spike, grabbed him and held him to his ear. "Hello, Flo? It's your cousin...Easy Rida! You know that new sound you were looking for? Well listen to this!"

"What are you doing, I don't work that-AAAAACK!" Spike squeaked as the unicorn turned him towards the stage and forced the baby dragon's mouth open.

Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle

Oh, oh, sometimes I get a good feeling, yeah
I get a feeling that I never never never never had before, no no
I get a good feeling, yeah
Oh oh, sometimes I get a good feeling, yeah
I get a feeling that I never never never never had before, no no
I get a good feeling, yeah


“You know, Big Macintosh…” Fluttershy whispered softly as the girls continued to sing, “as I listen to those fillies  singing a popular rap song with slightly changed lyrics I can’t help but realize that you and I are destined to be together and we should be doing it right here, at this school talent show in front of hundreds of ponies.”

“….Eeeyup.”

And they did. 

“Uh, Derpy?”

~MC~MC~MC~

Derpy and Dinky looked at Twilight (and, in Derpy’s case, a muffin on the counter, but that was wonderful in Derpy’s opinion), neither yet use to the lavender mare’s need to interrupt stories. “What is it, Twilight?” Derpy asked.

“If Scootaloo is from the future…and the only reason she came to the past was to get her parents together…then why is she still here? And why aren’t Fluttershy and Big Macintosh together?”

“Ninjas!” Dinky exclaimed happily.

“Huh?” Twilight and Spike both asked dumbly.

Dinky was happily bouncing up and down as she spoke. “Ninjas used their ninja skills and mixed time up, so now Scootaloo has to leap from life to life, striving to put right what went wrong…hoping the next leap will be the leap home.”

“…makes sense to me!” Derpy said happily.

Spike leaned over to Twilight, how was gnashing her teeth together. “Just give it to them…it’s Derpy and Dinky after all.”

Twilight lowered her head. “Fine…ninjas did it.”

“YAY!” Dinky squealed, throwing her forelegs in the air.

“Oh boy,” Twilight grumbled.

> Tydal
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Twilight and Spike had decided after leaving Derpy’s place to take a walk around the park to stretch their legs and work off the muffins that were currently marching towards their tummies with banners that read ‘Fatty Fatty Fat Fat’. It was a beautiful day in Ponyville and Spike was absolutely giddy that he was able to enjoy it out in the fresh air instead of being locked away in a library studying musty old tomes (he didn’t tell Twilight this, of course; the unicorn was so in love with the library that her favorite perfume was Eau de Musty Books).

“Hey Twilight, I got a question.” Spike picked up a rock and skipped it across a small pond. 

“Shoot,” Twilight said happily. Despite the insanity of Derpy, Dinky and the Doctor, she couldn’t help but feel her spirits raised; she was tackling this problem now on her terms, like a researcher, and that made the craziness easier to swallow. And if she wanted to take a break, she could! She bent down and, deciding to see if the adage was true, took a moment to stop and smell the roses.

They were…ok. Nothing to write home about. Now lilacs on the other hoof…

“If you are so concerned about where Scootaloo came from, why not just find her and ask her yourself? You know…instead of asking random ponies and getting mad when they tell you stories that aren’t as awesome as mine.”

Twilight’s face twisted in annoyance. “I thought about that…problem is that the Cutie Mark Crusaders went to Manehattan for the week to visit Apple Bloom’s Aunt and Uncle Orange.”

“Wait…the CMC are in the big city?” Spike asked, suddenly shuddering.

“What’s the worst that could happen?”

~Meanwhile, in Manehattan~

“He did it!” The CMC called out, pointing to a dock worker. Behind them, a massive cargo ship was slowly sinking beneath the waves, the screams of ponies leaping into the water echoing across the harbor.

~MC~MC~MC~

“Spike, you ok?”

“I just felt a million voices cry out in terror…only  to be silenced.” Spike sat down on the ground and closed his eyes, as if in physical pain.

“…so, you want some lunch?”

“Yeah…think a nice sandwich might settle the voices down.” Twilight nodded, lifting Spike onto her back and making her way back into town.

Lemonseed's Outdoor Cafe had been busy the moment it opened 4 months ago and as Twilight and Spike approached they could see that every table was packed full of ponies gobbling up sandwiches and specialty dishes. There was a line of those that had  gotten their bags of food waiting for a table and most of them had already given into temptation and begun to eat as they stood patiently for some seating to open up. Several times Twilight had done the same thing only to find her yummy meal already consumed the moment a table finally was freed. Normally she would have rolled her eyes as such service but Lemonseed's simply served the best sandwiches in Ponyville and it was difficult to stay mad when one had their cheeks stuffed with bread and sweetgrass. 

Placing their order at the counter, Twilight and Spike looked out at the dining area and found an unusual sight: there was a single table that was not overloaded with diners. This would have been surprising in and of itself, but it was the lone occupant that caught Twilight's attention. 

"Hey Twi...isn't that Lord Tydal?" Spike whispered.

Twilight nodded her head. Tydal was not a pony but a capricorn: a goat with a long fish tail and scales running down his back legs. Tydal was much larger than most capricorns; he was one of the few beings that could look Celestia in the eye without tilting their head. His muscular fish tail idly swayed as he looked about the cafe. Twilight could hardly believe he was there; Tydal was king of the Mareatine Sea and his power over the ocean rivaled Celestia and Luna's over the sun and moon. He had only recently returned to the world after overcoming a bad case of 'got turned to stone' and last Twilight had heard he had been in Canterlot rubbing flanks with the snobs and bluebloods (including Snobby Hooves and Prince Blueblood). Twilight had met the sea god once, a few months back, and had found him quite interesting, if a bit gruff.

That, however, did little to stop her annoyance at his ability to hog a table.

"How is that fair that he gets a table to himself while the rest of us have to wait?" Twilight grumbled.

"You'd actually want to sit with him?" the peach colored unicorn in front of her asked in surprise.

"Why not?" Twilight questioned.

"Because he's an OC!" The unicorn said the word as if it were the most vile thing in the world (and to many ponies it was). 

"A...what?"

"You know...an Oceanic Creature? Isn't natural for an OC to be around the rest of us, acting like he belongs." The unicorn glared at the giant capricorn, giving a condescending sniff. "OCs always think they are better than us and deserve to have greater adventures and sexier love lives. Most of them are so one dimensional...I wish everypony would see that we do just fine without OCs bursting into town and shaking things up and causing trouble!"

"Well, I don't think Tydal is like that," Twilight said sternly. "And I don't think all Oceanic Creatures are like that either. Are there bad ones? Of course...but there are also bad ponies too. You in particular. Come on Spike." Twilight turned on her hooves and trotted over to Tydal's table. "Mind if we sit here?"

"Of course, Twilight," Tydal said, his deep voice rumbling like thunder warning of a coming storm. "I decided to get in line and hold a table for my party while they went to get the food. I've offered a few ponies a seat while I waited but they are apparently as whale-headed as your friend over there."

Twilight decided not to dwell on the question of the stubbornness of whales. "Sorry you heard that. I tried to set her straight..."

"Ponies like her always fear change," Tydal said simply. "That is one thing that hasn't changed over the 1,500 years I’ve slept." He narrowed his eyes, a dark smile gracing his lips. "I wonder how your peachy little friend would react if she knew she was an 'OC' herself."

"She is?" Spike asked, turning to try and see if the unicorn had a fish tail.

"It's very diluted...probably had an ancestor who married a capricorn before my kind was turned to stone, but it is there. She is an OC.”

"And very one-dimensional," Twilight muttered. Her bad mood was quickly cast aside as Spike pulled out their sandwiches, all dark thoughts about peach-colored ponies leaving her mind as she torn into her lunch with a gusto.  

"Why are you here instead of Canterlot?" Spike asked, happily munching on some fried pine needles. 

Tydal rolled his eyes. "I was stuck as a rock over a millennium and after chatting with Prince Blueblood I was ready to ask Celestia and Luna to turn me back to stone." He shuddered, as if the very memory of the pompous unicorn was causing him physical pain.  "They are all like him. I gave my life to help the Princesses free this country from Discord and THEY are the ones that hold power? Makes me wonder if I should have fought on dear Uncle Discord's side."

Twilight perked up at the mention of Discord and the Princesses. One of the greatest mysteries of Equestria was the alicorn sisters: where they came from, why there were only two of them (three now with Cadence), how they had gained their powers... scholars had debated for hundreds of years the different theories and origins and never once did Celestia decide to clean the matter up. Twilight got the feeling her mentor enjoyed the squabbling (the scholars did too...a few had even begun to refer to her a Trollestia, referencing, of course, to the legendary Queen of the Trolls, Trollestia the First, beloved by her trollkin but notorious for pulling pranks). 

But here was Tydal, a fountain of information waiting to be tapped. Twilight felt herself grow giddy at the thought of delving into the capricorn's mind and discovering lost secrets.

"Hey Spike, are you pondering what I'm pondering?" Twilight said, leaning in close to her assistant.

"I think so Twilight, but if you replaced the I with an O, then my name would be Spoke."

"...no, Spike. Tydal maybe be able to answer all my questions!"

"Oh...right!" Spike grinned, rubbing his clawed hands together before turning to address Tydal. "Lord Tydal, do you know where Scootaloo came from?"

Twilight's brain went from 60 to 0 in 3.2 seconds flat.

"SPIKE!" She shouted, the ends of her hair beginning to go ablaze. "I wanted to ask about the origin of life, not about Scootaloo!"

"Oh..." Spike said.

Tydal cleared his throat. "But both questions go hoof in hoof."

"Huh?" Twilight said, staring at the capricorn as he began his story...

~MC~MC~MC~

In the beginning there was nothing. Not even chaos. There wasn’t even a Marebucks, if you can believe it (By the tide, there are a lot of those things...no wonder all you ponies are so high-strung).

Then, because if there is one thing the universe hates its nothingness, a single being came into existence. She goes by many names in many cultures. To those in Equestria she is Tau Sunflare, the white alicorn with dark red hair and the gift of creativity and creation. To the griffons of Grifftoria she is StormWind, whose wings are dipped in gold. In Zebrica she is 'The One Who Steps on Mountains' and her size is so great that to see even a 100th of her would destroy one's mind. To the capricorn race she is ‘The Creator’ and is as shapeless as the sea.

I call her Mother.

Whatever her name and whatever her form, The Creator looked upon the world and decided to fill it with all manner of magical and enchanted creatures, so that she would have others to play with.

It…wasn’t as magnificent as ponies think…

The Creator (who at this point in history looked to be a foal) giggled as she grabbed onto one of the clay dolls she had made, trotting it along the ground. “Yay! I’m a pony! Twot twot twot! Watch me buck da twee!” She made the little toy hit the tree with her hooves. “Uh oh, the apples didn’t a-fall! Can’t someone help me?”

She grabbed a smaller green pony and, tilting her head, decided to add a horn to it so it looked different. “I’m a…uh…uh…unihown! No that’s silly…a unicown! Dat’s it! I’ll just my…uh…magic to lift up the twee!”

Squealing in delight, the Creator used her magic to make the two clay dolls come to life, watching as they began to happily trot all around the land she had created, never noticing the giant filly foal that clapped her hooves in delight. Grabbing a white pony she had made (the Creator was in her ‘pony’ phase…she’d outgrow it, much as she had outgrown her ‘griffon’ phase and her ‘3-toed sloth’ phase) she decided to add a new friend to the mix. 

“I can fwy!” The Creator made the pony say. However, her grin turned to a sad frown when she saw that her other ponies were running away in fright from the newest member. She could hear their tiny voices crying out that she was a monster, as no one had heard of a flying pony. “No…she’s a fwiend!” The Creator said desperately. 

Looking around, she quickly grabbed some clay and stuck it onto the back of the white pony, giving her crude wings. They were much too small to support her body weight and aerodynamic technicians would have a fit…but luckily they hadn’t been created yet so there was no one to complain.

“Surprise!” The little white pony doll squeaked as the Creator breathed life into her. She watched in glee as the other two ponies came out from their hiding spots and soon joined the pegasus in playing.

“What…so all of creation…is a game?”

~MC~MC~MC~

“Well…yes.” Tydal scratched his beard. “Isn’t it obvious? I would have thought you ponies would have figured that out by now.”

“No we haven’t and no it isn’t!” Twilight exclaimed. “How can you just boil down the glory of creation and existence and say it is a game?”

“Because it is,” Tydal said calmly. “I really don’t see what the problem is here. We were all created by a supreme being that, at first, treated us as toys that could talk back to her.”

“Sounds like that play we say last week, Twilight,” Spike said, “you know, the one where the farmer pony toy and the Princess Luna explorer toy became friends and put aside their rivalry?”

“Spike, that was fantasy…this is real life.”

“You know, I hadn’t seen that play yet,” Tydal growled. “Celestia had gotten us tickets for tomorrow’s performance. Thank you for the spoilers.”

“Oops.”

Turning to Twilight, the sea god leaned in close, nearly butting noses with her. “So, do you have a better answer for why there just happens to be three races of ponies that all look the same save for 1 genetic difference? Because, as somepony who actually knows The Creator and calls her ‘mommy’, I would love to hear it.”

Twilight opened her mouth…then closed it. Then opened it again. Then she did this weird twitching thing that was similar to what she did when she ate a brownie but in the end was nothing like it at all. Finally she settled for resting her head on the table and sighing. 

“Ok…so we are the descendents of toys. Please continue.”

~MC~MC~MC~

The Creator (now looking more like a teenage filly, complete with frizzy hair and her newest invention, leg warmers) shook her head in disguise. “Stupid ponies,” she grumbled, watching as once again the pegasi and the unicorns battled each other while the earth ponies tried to find a way to take advantage of the situation.  This was not how she had wanted things to go: she wanted her little friends to work together in peace and harmony…but instead they were warring with each other and trying to become top dog (or pony, as the case was here).

But now it was clear that, like all her other collectables (‘They aren’t toys!’ she had complained to…well, no one since she was the only one of her kind, but still…), that they would need a top toy (“Top toy?”/”Yes…I am very glad she changed her mind and called us gods.”) to lead them.

While The Creator had gotten much better at making new friends, creating all-powerful beings was a tricky thing. She looked over at Discord, her first attempt at customizing, and sighed. Yeah, he was funny and he looked original but he hadn’t turned out like she had hoped and now he was busy spreading chaos throughout her lovely landscape (‘It’s a landscape, not a play mat! Play mats are for babies!’)

After her first attempt at creating a scratch custom had gone south, The Creator had decided to hone her skills by doing minor adjustments and repaints. She’d started with a zebra, reasoning that no one really cared about them anyway (“Wow, now that was mean.”) and gave her power over the land, creating the Lady of Zebrica. Next she had selected a capricorn, giving him magic and strength and control over the sea (and making him very sexually appealing and a hit with all the capricorn ladies).

“Just had to throw that one in there, didn’t ya?”

“As the great philosopher Cigar isa Cigar once said upon being asked a very similar question….eeeyup.”

“I’m beginning to see what that unicorn meant about OCs.”

What she had in mind for this new creation would be a bit more advanced. Oh, the same power boost and size increase would occur (she liked having her ‘babies’ be the same size as her when she shrunk down to play with her friends), but she wanted this new creation to be a mix of all ponies, not just one. That would mean alterations to the form: strength of an earth pony, wings of a pegasus, and the horn of an unicorn.

The Creator got out her crazy glue…

~MC~MC~MC~

“So our ruler…is a custom action figure?”

Tydal shrugged. “If it makes you feel better, so am I. Well, technically the only thing custom about me is my magic and size. Oh, and the green hair…only capricorn with that.” He glanced up at the spiked emerald hair that topped his head, which seemed to shift and flow like the waves upon some distant shore. 

“Don’t forget your raw sexuality,” Twilight grumbled.

“Twilight Sparkle, I am a married deity!” Tydal said in mock protest.

“What about Princess Luna?” Spike asked.

“Repaint of Princess Celestia. I think she might have done something with the nose, but it wasn’t much.” Tydal chuckled to himself. “Celestia was not happy when Mother revealed Luna to her. Threw a big fit, if I remember correctly. That was about the time that Mother decided to dump Celestia and Luna on me.” Tydal rolled his eyes, scoffing as he remembered that very important day in Equestrian history.

~MC~MC~MC~

Tydal trotted out of his keep to find his Mother (in her Alicorn form) standing with a small white alicorn filly and an alicorn foal (who was currently gumming her sister’s tail).

“Tydal, you were always the most responsible of your brothers and sisters and…blah blah blah…they’re your problem now. I’m going on vacation,” Mother said, summoning some sunglasses and a travel bag. “Have fun with your brother. Mama’s gonna work on her tan!”

Tydal blinked as his Mother darted away, leaving him staring at his little sisters.

“Uh…hi,” Celestia said softly.

Luna released her sister’s tail and promptly spit-up all over herself.

“…bugger.”

~MC~MC~MC~

“…wow,” Twilight muttered.

“Now you see where Discord gets it,” Tydal grunted. 

“Is your Mother always that…flighty?” Spike asked, finishing the last of his fried needles.

“No…sometimes she’s just neglectful.”

“Well…this has been soul crushing,” Twilight muttered. “Can we please get to Scootaloo now?”

“Ah, right…well, the funny thing about Scootaloo…”

~MC~MC~MC~

The Creator smiled as she watched Cadence romp around Celestia’s legs. She took only a moment to observe the filly’s play before disappearing once more into her workshop. She had known for quite some time that Celestia had been depressed, what with her baby sister becoming Nightmare Moon and her brother/mentor being turned into a rock, and she was thrilled that she had finally been able to create a new little sister for Celestia. She smiled, envisioning all the sisterly adventures to two would go on…the wonderful, SISTERLY bond the two would-

“Come on, Cadence,” Celestia said softly.

“Okay Aunt Celly!”

The Creator’s eye twitch. “Aunt…niece…aunt?!?! SHE’S YOUR NEW SISTER, YOU STUPID….GAH!” She stomped around in utter frustration, throwing about her paints and her clay and her action figures in a fit of rage. “I slaved over a workbench for months to make you a cute little sister that looks like you and is full of love and you make her your NIECE?!?! I used up all my pink paint on her too! AARRRRRRRRRRGGGGG!”

The Creator grit her teeth, all the objects in her workshop settling back into place as she went from blind fury to cold, hard anger. Her eyes narrowed and a wicked smile formed on her lips as she trotted over and selected a pegasus filly action figure and got to work.

“You want to play like that, Celestia? Well, it’s been a while since I made something evil, so I think I should make up for lost time.” She began to mix her paints, the time flying by as she carefully reshaped and redesigned the simple model to become the embodiment of evil and rage. “This will be the perfect weapon…it will teach all of you ponies to listen to mommy when she tells you to do something!” 

For years she worked (though for her it felt like hours), slaving away to get every detail perfect. This would be her masterpiece, her weapon to take control of the lands and creatures she had created and make sure they learned to properly respect her. Every feather was given the greatest detail, the eyes painted and painted again to give depth and the hair assembled one strand at a time.

The Creator cackled in glee as she began on the final touches, infusing the little toy with all the powers of death and destruction. “She will be a plague…she will attract monsters from all over to find her and she will drain the magic and the strength from any that get near her!” A less evil and giddier grin formed as she clapped her hooves together. “Oh, and she’ll ride a scooter!”

And she gave the new goddess of death a name…a name that, in the ancient Equestrian legends, meant ‘the destroyer of all hope’.

Scootaloo.

~MC~MC~MC~

“And that is the origin of the dread creature known as Scootaloo,” Tydal said solemnly.

“…really?” Twilight whispered in awe and fright.

“No…not really. I can’t back any of that up.”

Twilight and Spike just stared at the sea god.

“But…but you said…why would you lie…” 

“Had to do something while I waited for my food to arrive. It was either that or play 20 Questions and I hate that game.”

Spike glanced at the capricorn, then at Twilight, who was moving past ‘bursting into flames’ and was moving into ‘full nuclear meltdown’. The baby dragon quickly realized that unleashing Twilight on the god of the sea could very well bring about the apocalypse. “Uh, you might…”

“Right.” Tydal’s horns glowed and Twilight and Spike both were warped away to a nice peaceful meadow outside of town. The king of the Mareatine looked at the other ponies that sat around him, who were now glancing away, lest he turn his attention onto them. “Well…that was fun.”

“Tydal, what were you doing just now?” Princess Celestia said, a bag of food floating over to the table (even she knew Lemonseed’s had the best food in Equestria). “Why are all my subjects cowering?”

Tydal’s horns glowed and he retrieved his BLT (Bluegrass, Lettuce and Tomato) from the bag. “You know how you have been suggesting I ‘get with the times’?”

“Indeed,” Celestia said, daintily taking a nibble of her daisy sandwich.

“Well, I decided to try my hoof at ‘trolling’ somepony.”

Celestia’s lips twitched, though it was barely enough for anypony to notice. “And just who did you turn your attentions upon?”

“Luna’s daughter.”

“I have a daughter?” Luna said in utter surprise, sitting down at the table, Cadence and Shining Armor (who was there purely to make sure his wife and her family didn’t get into too much trouble) a few steps behind.  “Who is she?”

“Twilight Sparkle.”

“Twilight is Luna’s daughter?” Celestia said, mildly surprised (of course, pretty much every emotion Celestia had was mild). “I didn’t know that.”

“I didn’t either and I’m her mother!” Luna said with glee.

“That makes no sense!” Shining Armor complained.

“Oh, that is so wonderful!” Cadence cooed. “Like a fairy tale…”

Shining Armor glared at the crazy gods. “No, not like a fairy tale…nothing like fairy tale! Twiley can’t be your daughter! It…it makes no sense! You were trapped on the moon…and I have memories of her as a foal…and why is this the first time we’re hearing about it?”

“Well, apparently everypony already knows. That’s what that blue baker pony told me when we stopped off for cupcakes at Sugarcube Corner, and she seemed very informed,” Tydal said.

“Well, if a random stranger we met said it then it must be true,” Shining grumbled. “Don’t believe her own brother…”

“Well, if you insist, we won’t,” Celestia said calmly, promptly ignoring the royal guard.

Luna’s face broke out in a huge grin. “I have a daughter! I have a daughter!” She began to dart about the room, shaking hooves with any pony she could find. “I have a daughter! Oh, this is so great!” She returned to the table, hurriedly eating her lunch. “Come on! After lunch we have to go visit her! Oh, this will be wonderful! We’ll paint each other’s hooves, and we’ll go shopping, and we’ll bond over our monthly bleeding cycles! SQUEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!” She began to do a happy dance at the table, Celestia and Tydal doing their best to ignore her while Cadence clapped her hooves in delight. 

“Wait…” Cadence said, smile falling, “if Twilight is your daughter and my Shining is her brother…and I am your niece…does that make Shining and I cousins?” Shining Armor’s eyes tripled in size at the implication.

“Congratulations Shining, you just committed incest,” Tydal said drolly as Shining Armor began to slam his head against the table.


> Fluttershy
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Twilight groaned. The last thing she remembered was being warped into a meadow and then…nothing. Just a blinding flash of light and the smell of burning hair.

“Shhhh, it’s ok,” a voice said, wetting her brow with a washcloth. “Everything is ok.”

Twilight mumbled something, her eyelids fluttering open shyly to see…Fluttershy (wasn’t that convenient?). The pegasus let out an ‘eep’ when she saw that Twilight had awoken so suddenly, darting up into the air before finally calming herself and settling down one more to tend to her patient.

“What…what happened?” Twilight murmured.

“You exploded,” Fluttershy stated. “At least, I think you did. I heard a loud boom and I was afraid some poor little grizzly bear had gotten hurt so I went out to check. But there wasn’t a grizzly bear…just you lying in a crater.”

Twilight rubbed her aching head. “Well, I'm glad it wasn’t a table this time.”

“Me too…I don’t know how to take care of tables.”

“You ok, Twilight?” Spike asked as he walked into the room, a towel wrapped around his waist. While his dragon scales had protected him from the blast, the explosion had left him covered in soot and Fluttershy had offered him use of her bathroom so he could clean himself up. “Man, that was some explosion, huh?”

“Yeah,” Twilight grunted, “it was real fun.”

“Why did you explode, Twilight?” Fluttershy asked softly, rewetting her sponge before running it along her friend’s brow. 

“I…just…it’s stupid.”

“Well, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but you are the smartest pony I know, so there is no way something stupid could get you flustered…so it must be something smart…right?”

Twilight gave her a friend a soft smile, placing her hoof on top of hers. “Thank you.”

“Uh…for what?”

“For…just being you.”

“Gag me,” Spike muttered, going back into the bathroom and shutting the door. All the lovey-dovey stuff was making him feel dirty again.

“Boys,” Twilight and Fluttershy muttered, before breaking into giggles.

Twilight laid back down on the bed, letting out a peaceful sigh. She had wanted to take the morning off but it was clear she had gone about it the wrong way. She should have come here, to Fluttershy’s cottage, in the first place. It was utterly peaceful, with the birds chirping and the bees buzzing and Angel plotting his assassination of Fancy Pants (the backstory of their long and epic feud would take 3 full nights to tell and even then all one would get would be the abridged version). Twilight lay back down on her pillow, a smile slowly blossoming on her lips. 

“Uh…Twilight,” Fluttershy said softly, “what were you so mad about? You never did say.”

“Oh,” Twilight said lazily, waving her hoof dismissively, “I was just trying to figure out where Scootaloo came from and everyone was telling me their own crazy story.”

“…can I tell you mine?”

Twilight’s eyes snapped open like cheap window blinds.

“Fluttershy, not you too!” Twilight closed her eyes, fighting the tears she knew were coming. "I...I thought of all ponies you wouldn't give into gossip..." 

"Oh, this isn't gossip," Fluttershy said. "I don't know what Scootaloo's history is."

The unicorn's head jerked up and she stared at her friend, trying to comprehend exactly what she was getting at. "But....but then what do you..."

Fluttershy chewed on her lower lip. "Pinkie Pie told me about everypony telling you stories about what they think Scootaloo's origin is...and it just sounded fun so I...kinda...maybe...came up with a story of my own..." Fluttershy looked down, her long mane hiding her face. "I know it isn't real and it isn't what you are looking for...but I thought maybe...possibly..."

Twilight reached over and gently brushed Fluttershy's mane aside so she could look her in the eye. "Fluttershy, I would love to hear your fictional story about Scootaloo." Her friend visibly brightened and Twilight settled in for the tale. 'Knowing Fluttershy, it is probably some sweet little story about Scootaloo being raised by bunnies-'

"Tigasia, 3 years ago," Fluttershy said dramatically. "The scene...a steamy nightclub controlled by the Black Stripe Mafia."

"Say what now?"

~MC~MC~MC~

“Give’em the old razzle-dazzle…” 

Charity DeBelle was singing her heart out on stage, giving each and every note as much power as she could muster. The stunning aqua-colored unicorn took a moment to turn and give her flank a little shake, causing all the tigers watching her to cheer and howl in delight. She knew what the boys liked and she wasn't about to disappoint them. Her low, sultry voice seemed to swirl about the room, entrancing all that heard it like a siren song.

Well, almost everyone.

Sitting at the bar with the wall to her back, Daring Do watched the performance and rolled her eyes. Why any mare would go up on stage and face the catcalls Charity was getting was simply an unknown to the treasure hunter. Of course, the entire club scene was lost on her. The scent of spiced rum and incense filled the air like a heavy cloud, making the pegasus' lungs ache with every breath. She’d been forced to actually dress up, ditching her pith helmet and going with a red evening dress that made her feel like a painted-up fool. All she wanted to do was leap up and dash out of there as fast as she could.

But that simply wouldn't do...not if she wanted to get the Cat's Eye Diamond.

As she waited for her contact to arrive Daring looked around the club, getting a feel for the environment. Over by the poker tables there were several earth ponies gambling up a storm, including a purple mare with an eyepatch who had hidden blades tucked in her tail. A few tables over from them a dolled up yellow unicorn was whispering something clearly steamy in her girlfriend's ear, if the blush on the green pegasus' face was any indication. Up on the balcony a pitch black earth pony was holding court, her long straight hair the color of fallen snow and making it look as if she were an old black and white photo. Intermixed with all of these rough and tough figures were tigers, each wearing a business suit and bearing a ring on their tail that showed their allegiance to the Black Stripe Mafia, the most dreaded crime syndicate in Tigasia

Daring had walked into a hornets’ nest alright, and she would need to keep her nerves steady and her eyes open if she wanted to survive.

It was that focus that alerted her to the small purple pegasus filly with a shock of orange hair who was trying to pick her pocket....

"Uh, Fluttershy?"

~MC~MC~MC~

"Oh, is something wrong? Do you need another pillow?" Fluttershy asked, concerned for her friends comfort.

"No, I'm fine...it's just..." Twilight's jaw worked, like she was chewing on a bad pear, "when you said you were going to tell me a story, I thought you meant you were going to tell an original one."

"But I am," Fluttershy said.

Twilight shook her head, patting Fluttershy's hoof. "But Daring Do is a fictional character that somepony else created."

"Right..." Fluttershy looked at her friend, confused, "I'm the one that created her."

"In this story."

"In all her stories," the pegasus said. "I'm the author of Daring Do."

"...no you're not."

Fluttershy frowned. "Um...I think so. Why else would my agent keep accepting my manuscripts?" She wasn’t being sarcastic…Fluttershy honestly wanted to know.

Twilight shook her head, growing annoyed with her shy friend. There were times when Fluttershy was so naive. "Listen, you aren't getting it." Twilight used her magic to grab a hardcopy of Daring Do from Fluttershy's shelf. She was surprised to find it looked a bit different than the ones she had read; it was older and heavier. "See, it says right here, ‘By F.S. Braveheart’."

"Right...FlutterShy Braveheart." 

"...you're joking."

Fluttershy shook her head. "Uh, I don’t think so. Unless I told one of those sneaky jokes Rarity sometimes-"

"But...but..." Twilight saw that the copy she was holding was in fact a rare out-of-print first edition of one of the first Daring Do novels. Turning it over, she could only stare, her jaw hanging to the floor, at the sight of Fluttershy's picture gracing the cover. The pegasus was seated at her writing desk, one hoof propping up her chin and a slight smile on her face.

"I thought you girls knew," Fluttershy said softly. “How do you think I pay for all my furry little friends’ food?”

“I thought…maybe…uh…”

Fluttershy smiled. “Oh Twilight, did you think Ponyville paid me to take care of animals?” At Twilight’s slight nod the pegasus laughed. “That’s silly! Who would pay for that? No…caring for animals is a hobby…writing is how I make my bits.” She furrowed her brow. “Are you sure you didn’t know?”

"If...Fluttershy, if we knew we would have been begging you for details!"

"I thought you were respecting my privacy."

Twilight made a sound that was a cross between a squeak and a sob.

"Does...does that mean you want me to stop telling the story? It's my new manuscript, so I still have to edit-"

"TELL ME MORE NOW!" Twilight roared, shaking her friend so hard Fluttershy saw stars. "I mean...yes, I would like you to continue," Twilight said demurely.

"Oh...ok."

~MC~MC~MC~

"What do you think you are doing, kid?" Daring Do said, snatching the little filly's hoof just as it went for the briefcase sitting on the floor.

"Just dropped something!" the filly exclaimed a tad too loudly.

"Well, go looking for it somewhere else," Daring snarked as she saw her trading partner come marching over to her. "That isn't for you...trust me." The filly gave her a hard look and Daring, with a sigh, reached into her saddle back and pulled out a few bits, tossing them to the stunned filly. "Go get yourself something to eat, Squirt." The filly nodded happily and darted off.

And not a moment too soon.

"Miss Do," Redclaw, head of the Black Stripe Mafia, purred. He took a seat next to the explorer, making her feel very small compared to his bulk. Redclaw was almost twice her size and five times her weight. His black suit strained to contain his gut and every breath seemed to threaten to send buttons flying everywhere. "Enjoying the show?'

"I'll enjoy it better when I have the Cat's Eye Diamond."

"Straight to the point, I love it." Redclaw leaned in close, licking his fangs. "But first...my money."

Daring Do nodded, reaching down and retrieving the briefcase she had been guarding. "Every last bit is there." Redclaw was practically drooling as he clutched the case to his chest, drawing it in like a lost lover. However, he noticed Daring wasn't smiling. "This is a double cross, isn't it?" She looked at her hoof, examining it as she continued, her tone utterly bored. "I knew the moment I got your message you would try and take the money and run.”

“Sorry, but that is the life we lead," Redclaw said calmly.

“No problem. That's why I came prepared." She raised her hooves up and clicked them together.

The night club burst into activity. Charity stopped singing her song and in a fluid motion used her magic to send three tigers flying through the air. "Mother always said I was sweeping the boys off their feet," she said with a chuckle.

"Wait a minute, that sounds like..."

The mare with the knives hidden in her tail made good use of them, letting them fly with a swish and sending 2 tigers to the ground, their dead eyes staring up at the ceiling. "Don't ya get all cocky now, Charity!" Acorn Jane said with a laugh. "Save that for Starburst!"

The two 'lovers' that Daring had noticed earlier pulled away from each other and, with a nod, went on the attack. Starburst Eclipse blasted 5 tigers with her magic while Whisperwing, true to her name, merely spoke the word "Freeze" and all the tigers that had been caught in her gaze could do nothing but stand there like fools.

"Fluttershy...did you..."

"Aw, I want to play too!" The black earth pony said with a laugh. "Girls...go get'em!"

"Yes Coco Delight!" her hangers on said, leaping from the balcony and assaulting any tiger they could find, spinning and leaping about like ninjas.

"You did...oh Celestia you did!"

"Are you mad?"

"Mad?!? Mad is the exact opposite of what I am feeling! Keep talking!"

Daring grabbed the case and used it to strike Redclaw. "Too bad you lived up to my expectations, Reddy." Daring gave him a mock salute and dove away from the enraged tiger. "Girls."

"Daring, always a delight," Charity said with a roll of her eyes.

"Wow, you sure know how to throw a shindig Darey!' Coco giggled, taking a moment to grab a plate and send it flying like a ninja star.

"Well, I figured since we hadn't seen each other since college we should get together..." Daring said with a smirk.

"Most ponies have tea parties or brunch, Daring," Starburst reminded her. Whispermind merely nodded.

Daring rolled her eyes. "Come on, that is so boring! This is, like...20% cooler than a tea party."

"Only twenty?" Acorn Jane asked. 

"Well, it would be 50% if I were the only one here...no offense."

"That is so Rainbow Dash! How did I not see this sooner?"

"Well, yea…I based Daring Do off Rainbow Dash because she is so amazing…then, after meeting the rest of you, I decided I wanted my friends to be in a story…Twilight...do you want me to stop so-"

"DON'T-YOU-DARE!"

"None taken," the one-eyed knife thrower snarked. She glanced around, realizing that while they had taken the early advantage, the Black Stripe Mafia was regrouping and soon the battle would turn in their favor. "Think we can get out of here?"

Daring grinned, reaching for the door they had been backed into. "Right, lets..." she jiggled the handle, only to find it locked. "Uh...give me a moment."

"You didn't check the door?" Starburst said, eyes slowly narrowing.

"Sure I did! Just...give me a moment."

"We don't have a moment, darlings!" Charity reminded them, nodding towards the advancing horde.

“Can you use your magic?” CoCo asked, watching as her girls led a fair number of the tigers out of the club.

Starburst focused on the lock, glowering. "It's been warded against spells.”

"Ponyfeathers!" Acorn Jane cursed.

"Hey!" The 6 mares turned to see the little pickpocket motioning for them to follow her behind the curtain on the main stage. "Come on!"

"Think we can trust her?" Acorn Jane asked. One of her own knives came whizzing over her head, just missing her ears. "Never mind, just answered my own question!" The mares leapt onto the stage, darting behind the curtain to find the purple filly holding open a trap door.

"Come on!"

"Thanks Squirt," Daring said, grabbing the girl and tossing her onto her back as they darted down the secret passage. "You got a name, kiddo?"

"Tagalong!" the pegasus said happily, wings buzzing like a hummingbird's.

"Figures," Daring said.

~MC~MC~MC~

Twilight leaned in closer, eyes wide. "Well? Did they escape? Is Rainbow Dash going to adopt Scoota...I mean is Daring Do going to adopt Tagalong?”

“I…I don’t know. That’s as far as I’ve gotten. I usually don’t plot out the books too far…makes it more organic-“

“I can’t believe this,” Twilight squealed, not paying attention to Fluttershy in the slightest. “My best friend writes Daring Do! She based Daring Do on one of our friends…I’m friends with the real Daring Do!”  Twilight’s eyes took on an almost manic look. “And I am in Daring Do! Do I go on an adventure with her? Do we get the Cat’s Eye Diamond?”

“Uh…you know the character is only based on you…and you’re breathing kinda hard…”

Twilight wasn’t even paying attention to her. “I wonder if I’ll get a love interest…maybe that pilot from Daring Do and the Castle of Torment! But he sounded like a cheater…what if he cheats on me? Will Daring be mad if I drive him away…”

“Daring isn’t real,” Fluttershy said as Twilight began to hyperventilate. “Twilight…Twilight?”

The unicorn’s eyes rolled back into her head and she fell back against the mattress. 

“Twilight!” Fluttershy leapt onto the bed, panicking when she saw that the unicorn was out cold. Fear caused her to be unable to focus and she reacted on instinct: she began to perform CPR. “Come on…come on!” Fluttershy whimpered, leaning down and breathing into her friend’s mouth…

“Ok Twilight,” Spike said, emerging from the bathroom, “I think I’m all cleaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!”

Twilight, awoken by Spike’s scream, looking up to find Fluttershy giving her a deep kiss (or that’s how it looked to her). “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!” Fluttershy screamed.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!” All three howled.

“Fluttershy, it’s me, Mrs. Cake! I was bringing your donut order and I heard screaming…” Mrs. Cake blinked at the sight of Fluttershy straddling Twilight while Spike watched. “…Rainbow Dash is going to be so upset when she finds out you were cheating on her!” 

The baker stomped out, leaving the three friends to stare at each other…and begin screaming again.



> Lyra Heartstrings
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Another glass of tea with lemon?”

Twilight nodded and the waiter darted away to get another cup for the unicorn. All along the table empty glasses stood like noble soldiers and Twilight was anxious to add to their ranks. Her throat burned from the nearly 15 minutes of screaming back at Fluttershy’s cottage and Twilight found it so painful to talk that she had resorted to nods and written notes in order to let the waiter at the Ponyville Café know what she wanted. 

She had chosen tea with lemon to help ease the pain…and to get the taste of Fluttershy out of her mouth (whoever had taught Fluttershy that CPR involved the tongue was going to get such a beating…).

Spike had went running back to the library as soon as Fluttershy had managed to find the strength to get off the bed, crying that he was afraid he “was next to be assaulted”. Fluttershy, for her part, had asked Twilight if she needed to make her breakfast (as according to Rainbow Dash, that is what one did after a night of lovemaking) and Twilight simply didn’t have the strength to inform her friend that misguided CPR was not a sex act.

Twilight, for her part, was debating sending threatening letters to Princess Celestia in the hope of getting banished or locked in a dungeon. At this point she was sure that either option was her only hope for keeping her sanity.

“Hello, Twilight,” Lyra said, happily trotting over to the unicorn. Twilight raised an eyebrow, and Lyra’s smile fell. “Yeah…I didn’t get a chance to apologize after the wedding…sorry about, you know…helping that evil changeling queen capture you and then trying to kill you. If it makes you feel better, I was so sick once they cured me that I couldn’t get out of bed for a week.”

Twilight sighed and quickly scribbled a note down: ‘Don’t worry, I don’t blame you.’

“I’m glad to hear that, Twilight.” Lyra suddenly got a strange smile on her face. “Sooooooo I hear you are joining our team.”

Twilight shot her a confused look.

“You know…once you go filly you’ll know stallions are silly? Rainbow Dash AND Fluttershy…when you try something new you certainly don’t take any chances!”

Twilight rapidly shook her head, scribbling another note:  ‘I am not dating Fluttershy or Rainbow Dash!’

“Twilight, who said anything about dating?” Lyra gave her a long, leisurely look. “If Bon Bon and I weren’t exclusive…”

Twilight frantically tried to write another message but her haste caused it to come out as ‘Glarba globba Smooze.’

“Smooze? Twilight, even I don’t swing that way.” Lyra waved over the waiter (missing Twilight’s furious pantomiming of her strangling the teal-colored pony) and ordered herself some apple juice. Twilight, for her part, focused on drinking and ordering another glass of tea.  “So I’ve been hearing through the grapevine…and by that I mean Mrs. Cake…that you want to know more about that orange filly, Scootaloo.” Lyra pressed a hoof to her chest. “Well, I happen to know her secret origin and I would be happy to share it with you!”

Twilight rapidly shook her head ‘no’.

“No…no, you can’t believe I know the story of Scootaloo? Well, I do, as hard as it is to believe. I should warn you that it is a very sad, tragic tale and you will cry for hours after hearing it…much like you are now!” Twilight sniffed, sobbing and silently pleading for Celestia to strike her down and save her from hearing yet ANOTHER Scootaloo story. “Alright, our story begins in a magical land called…London.”

~New Years Eve, 2 years ago~

8 year old Rebecca Scoots shivered in the cold, pressing herself tighter against the barren brick wall in hopes of keeping the cold from seeping through the thin jacket she wore. The dark sky was unleashing a flurry of snow that the young girl was constantly brushing off her head and shoulders. She watched, amazed that such pure white fluff could become so dark and dirty from coming into contact with the ground. People walked past, their shoes grinding the fresh snow into muddy puddles that splashed against her, soaking her ripped pants. They were too busy to worry about one homeless girl.

She knew it was foolish to be out in this kind of weather but there simply wasn’t anyplace for her to go. She had left home a week ago, unable to stand being around her father for another moment. The man was either wallowing in depression or striking her in a drunken rage. She might have managed to live with such treatment, if it weren’t for the cruel words he was forever hurling her direction: about how stupid she was, how she was good for nothing…how she should be dead instead of her moth-

She could even get the thought out without crying, lowering her head and whimpering over and over, “Mommy…mommy.”

Her mother had been dead for 4 years now and Rebecca clung to the memories of the brash, adventurous woman that had loved to run through the park and never faced a challenge she wasn’t ready to tackle head-on. She was like the storm and the rainbow rolled into one and every day since that night long ago, when her mother had been caught in that car explosion…Rebecca had clung to the memory of the woman that meant more to her than anything.

She could still hear her voice calling out to her, “Scootaloo…” that was her nickname, the one only her mother knew, “Scootaloo…”

The streets grew darker and the world a bit emptier as the passerbys hurried off to their parties and get-togethers. None of them gave a second glance at the little girl shivering in a doorway. Rebecca reached into her pocket and pulled out a book of matches, her fingers trembling as she struck the first-

“…f…fingers?”

~MC~MC~MC~

Lyra looked at Twilight in disgust. “Didn’t your mother teach you it is rude to interrupt someone when they are talking?”

“Why would…a pony have… fingers?” Twilight croaked.

“Oh….OH! I forgot to mention that! Duh! Sorry about that, Twilight, I just got wrapped up in telling my tragic Scootaloo story. She had fingers because she’s human.”

Twilight just gave the mare a blank look. “H-h-human?” she wheezed, her throat feeling as if she had gargled with rocks.

“Yes, human. You know what a human is, right?” Lyra clasped her hooves together and sighed dreamily. “They are simply the most beautiful and magic of creatures…with their hairless bodies and their big feet and their flat faces and exposed reproductive organs. But…most of all…” Lyra sighed, “the hands…the hands, Twilight, the hands!” She glanced down at her hooves in disgust. “To have fingers instead of these…nubs…it would be a dream come true.”

Twilight suddenly had a vision of Lyra with hands like Spike’s and shivered…mostly because, judging from the manic look in her eye when she spoke of them, Twilight was sure Lyra would use said hands to strangle ponies while laughing like a supervillain.

“Now, then, back to the tragic tale…”

~MC~MC~MC~

Rebecca was ready to give up.

Her body was consumed by shivers. The falling snow was burying her and she no longer had the strength to brush it away. Little burnt matches lay like dead twigs about her as she struck another one, her last one, trying to gather warmth from the tiny flame. It was an impossible task...there simply wasn't enough light from that tiny spark to chase away the darkness that threatened to swallow her whole.

It didn’t matter…nothing mattered…Rebecca was ready to go. Her eyes felt heavy and sleep was calling her. She wondered…would she dream? She hoped so…she hoped she dreamed of her mommy…

But as the last match burn away and she felt her heart slow to a near stop…Rebecca saw that the light had not dimmed but instead was growing all the more brighter. She held up her hand, trying to shielding her eyes and found, to her amazement that she was…warm! Steam hissed from her clothing as it was dried out and the shivers left her body as she felt the glorious warmth fill her limbs. The snow melted away as the alley was illuminated by the intense flare.

“Am…am I dead? Is this Heaven?" she whispered softly. "Mommy?"

“I am sorry, child, but I am not your mother. And this is not Heaven.”

Rebecca blinked against the bright light, her eyes adjusting and allowing her to see the most blessed of sights: an angel.

For what else could the woman be but an angel? Two great white wings stretched from her back, each feather looking softer than anything the child had ever touched in her short, sad life. The figure’s white dress was as pure as the falling snow and Rebecca suddenly felt ashamed of her dirty, ratty clothes. But when she turned away a dainty hand touched her cheek and drew her eyes back. The angel wore a grand golden crown that ended in a single white spike…no…a horn. And her hair was the color of the sky at sunrise, constantly swirling about her.

“Who…who are you?” Rebecca whispered.

The angel smiled sadly. “I am Celestia…and I am so sorry I could not come sooner. I saw the pain you were in and hurried but…but I was almost too late.” The angel moved her hand down to Rebecca’s shoulder and with a touch the child felt every ache and pain leave her. “But I am here now.”

“What…what is happening?” Rebecca shifted, her whole body tingling from the tips of her toes to the ends of her hair.

“I come from a special place…a wonderful place. It is a land full of magic and joy and friendship. And whenever I find a person who has been hurt and dying…who has been abandoned by those that should love them…I come to them and I take them home.”

“Home?” The little girl asked, looking down at her hands to see that they were beginning to glow.

“Yes…home.” The angel smiled as the girl’s body was engulfed in a wondrous light. It consumed the two of them and the alley…until there was nothing but it and Rebecca felt as if she had become the light as well, and it her, and never would the two of them be separated.

And then, as soon as it had come…it was gone.

Rebecca looked about, stunned. The dark and filthy alley had been replaced by a kingdom of clouds, each one fluffy and white framed by a beautiful blue sky. The sun shone down on them and Rebecca let out gasp as she looked towards her angel, who was now no longer an angel at all but a beautiful and regal winged unicorn. 

“You…you changed!” Rebecca gasped.

“So have you,” Celestia said. Rebecca looked down, eyes wide as she looked over herself. She had turned into a pegasus as well! Her little wings buzzed as she looked over her orange skin and used her hooves to pull a tuff of her purple mane close enough for her to see it. She began to trot around Celestia, marveling at all she saw.  For the first time since her mother had died she felt strong and healthy and…and there were no words to describe it! “ Here you will be safe...you will never grow hungry or cold. My little ponies will-“

Rebecca raced over and hugged Celestia tightly. “Thank you…thank you thank you thank you!”

Celestia returned the hug. “I think there is someone else who wants to say hello to you.” Celestia pointed behind Rebecca and the little girl…filly…turned and stared at the new arrival: A cyan colored pegasus with a mane the color of the rainbow.

“HI Scootaloo,” Rainbow Dash said softly.

“M…mommy?” Rebecca whispered, tears in her eyes. Rainbow Dash merely nodded and Rebecca raced to her, hugging the mare and sobbing and nuzzling her, never wanting to let go. Rainbow Dash wrapped her forelegs around the filly, tears rolled down her checks as she held her shivering child to her chest. 

“It’s ok, baby …mommy’s here…and she is never going to leave you again.”

~MC~MC~MC~

Twilight sniffed, body racked with sobs. The waiter, who had come by to collect her glasses, handed her a tissue then used one himself to dab away the tears. Lyra too was welling up, trying desperately to fight the sobs that threatened to come bursting from her.

“So…so sad,” Lyra whispered.

“But…at least it had a happy ending,” Twilight said, her throat feeling well enough for her to actually talk. “I mean, I know that story isn’t true but…if it were at least Scootaloo and Rainbow Dash were united-“

“That isn’t a happy ending!” Lyra suddenly shouted, startling the unicorn. 

“W-what?”

“She was a human! And that horrible Celestia turned her into a pony and took away her beloved hands!”

Twilight’s tears disappeared in an instant, sadness and joy replaced by an emotion she knew all to well: annoyance. “She…was…going…to…die.”

“As…a…human!” Lyra snarled. 

“…you’ve got problems, Lyra.”

The teal-colored unicorn lunged at Twilight, shaking her violently. “Yes, one problem! I DON’T HAVE HANDS! And all my problems would go away if I had them, why don’t I have them, I deserve to have them! Give them to me! You have magic, so magic me up some hands right now or I’ll-“

SLAM!

Lyra’s eyes rolled back, a large bump forming on her forehead from where her skull had met the table. With a groan she collapsed onto the ground, leaving a spooked Twilight looking at her.

“Huh…kinda weird to see it from the other side.” She glanced up to thank her savior, only for her jaw to drop. “Princess Luna?”

“No one shakes the daughter I just found out about 3 hours ago,” Luna said coolly, before hurrying over and scooping Twilight up, cradling her like a baby. “Don’t worry, mommy’s here and she is never going to leave you again.”

“…Lyra…help!” Twilight squeaked as Luna’s wings unfurled and she took to the sky, Twilight wrapped up in her forelegs.
> Princess Luna
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Twilight Sparkle was, at the moment, not a happy unicorn.

That may have been because she had spent the last 2 days getting roped into hearing every crazy theory about Scootaloo that the citizens of Ponyville could throw at her. Or perhaps it was because she had been abducted by Princess Luna, who suddenly believed the lavender unicorn was her daughter.

The far more likely reason for her annoyance was  the fact that Luna, in her delusional state, believed that Twilight was her BABY daughter.

That also explained why Twilight was currently trapped in a giant crib…and wearing a diaper.

"You know, I don't think cribs are suppose to have bars on the top," Twilight complained, rattling her 'cell' with her hooves and finding that the structure simply refused to collapse. 

"But if the bars weren't there then the babies would escape," Luna said simply, prancing about the room dusting. "And mommy can't have her little Twilight Moonie sneaking out and getting into trouble."

"Sparkle, my name is Twilight Sparkle," Twilight said with a groan. 

Luna giggled. "Somepony is cran-ky!"

A sour look flashed across Twilight's face. "Maybe somepony is cranky because you put them in a diaper!" Her horn glowed but Luna had enchanted the crib to prevent her from doing magic (and, much to Twilight's shame, she could not figure out how to simply rip the diaper off). "Please Princess Luna, I'm a grown up mare, I can use the bathroom like anypony else!"

Trotted over, Luna made a funny face. "Aw, my little filly thinks she is a big mare!"

"I AM a big mare!" Twilight shot back. "And I don't need a diaper!"

Her 'mother' clicked her tongue, disagreeing with that statement. "I know you think you can use the potty all by yourself but the little accident you had on the flight up here proved otherwise."

"That 'little accident' was caused by a deranged Princess kidnapping me after I drank 17 glasses of tea!" Twilight blushed at the memory, hoping no one had seen her wet herself.

~An Hour Earlier~

"Great meeting, everypony! We'll see you next week!" The Great and Powerful Trixie called out to the other members of the support group.

"Bye Trixie! I'll see you tonight! Bring your saddle," Gilda purred. Trixie gave her girlfriend a saucy wink and turned to head back to her apartment.

Prince Blueblood rolled his eyes in disgust. After his 'Auntie' Celestia had heard about his treatment of her prize pupil Twilight's friend Rarity, she had decided to punish him with community service. For the last 15 months he had been spending his days leading group therapy sessions as losers and rejects sobbed about being kicked out of Ponyville by the Elements of Harmony. Blueblood personally thought they all needed to grow a pair.

Still, he wasn't going to let their petty little worries get him down. He had the rest of the week off, the sun was shining and overhead he could see birds flying, bees buzzing and-

"What in the name of Discord?" Blueblood said, looking up in confusion as he saw his Aunt Luna carrying a struggling Twilight Sparkle towards Canterlot Castle. The unicorn was screaming something then her legs did a weird jig and-

"Why is she-wait...did she just...no...no...no no no no-" Blueblood shielded himself. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

~MC~MC~MC~

Luna smiled, reaching through the bars to give Twilight's head a pat. "Aw, my little foal is sad she made a boom-boom."'

Twilight growled and snapped at the Princess' hooves

"Well, somepony is fussy! I think it is time for your nap."

"Can I take it back at my house?"

Luna either didn't hear her or chose to ignore her. "Now, I have the perfect bedtime story in mind! I heard you were asking around about Scootaloo..."

"Please no," Twilight whimpered.

"...so I am going to tell you her secret origin!"

Twilight's lip trembled before tears burst from her eyes. "WAAA! WAAA! WAAAA!"

~Several Years Ago, on the Moon~

No one knew what exactly caused it. Maybe some flying space junk struck the ancient prison (which looked like a dumpster). Or perhaps the magic that held the seal finally wore off. The reason didn't matter; all that mattered was that the being contained within was released once more.

"At last! After a thousand years I'm finally free!" Nightmare Moon cackled. Her Shadowbolts nodded their heads in agreement, thrilled to be free of the dumpster (Nightmare had spent the last 300 years singing 'The Song That Never Ends'...they had lost half their troops to mass suicide).  "Now we will turn our attention to Equestria!"

In Equestria, in a secret structure known as 'The Command Center', Princess Luna looked at the viewing screen and felt dread enter her heart that the sight of her old rival freed from her prison.

"Iy aiaiaiai!" Spike squealed in a panic, flailing his arms. "What should we do, Princess Luna?"

"The time has come...Spike, we must summon six young mares...with attitude."

"Uh, Princess Luna...you were Nightmare Moon"

"..."

"Princess?"

"..."

"Fine....'mom', you were Nightmare Moon."

"See, was that so hard? And no, you just think I was Nightmare Moon. That is a terrible lie started by the real evil doer: Princess Celestia."

"...you know what, I don't even have the strength to point out everything wrong with that sentence."

Meanwhile, in Ponyville, best friends and mares-with-attitude Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, Applejack, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie were practicing their martial arts skills...because that is what you do if you are a cool mare, apparently (but what was really strange was that Snip and Snails teased them and called them dweebs...when clearly they were the hottest mares in all of Ponyville). Pinkie Pie was just about to show off a killer backflip she had mastered when the six of them were transported from Ponyville and beamed directly to The Command Center.

"What...what is going on?" Rarity said, looking about in a panic.

"Hey look, a baby dragon!" Pinkie Pie bounced over to Spike and began to inspect him. "Wow, you are so cool! Can you do any special tricks? What are those things at the end of your legs? Why are you that color?"

"Pinkie, you can't ask dragons why they are the color they are," Twilight grumbled. "I thought we'd been over this when we caught you with those…bad ponies!"

"Sorry Twilight, I just got excited. And you can’t blame me for that first time, I thought they were all dressing up like ghosts and burning lower case letter Ts."

The girls stopped speaking when Princess Luna stepped forward to address them. "Greetings, I am Princess Luna. I have brought you here to help save Equestria from a great threat. My sister, Princess Celestia, once tried to steal the moon from me because she knew it was awesome and she was really uncool and wanted to be cool. I was willing to let her have it because I am nice and the best mommy ever, but then for no good reason ("Literally") she turned into Nightmare Moon, an evil alicorn that wants to take over Equestria. Now then-"

"Wait...she must have had a reason," Twilight interrupted, not realizing just how annoying it was when she did that.

"Hey!"

"Well she didn't, and now she is sending her Shadowbolts down to terrorize Ponyville. Only the 6 of you have the power to stop her...by becoming the Harmony Rangers!"

"Shucks, ah done don't know 'bout that none, Miss Luna ma'am," Applejack said.

"Why does she sound like that? Applejack doesn't talk like that!"

"Do you want me to continue the story or not?"

"No! I've been telling you 'no' for hours!"

"I have to agree with Applejack, Princess," Fluttershy said humbly. "We're not strong enough to be Harmony Rangers."

"But you are...you see," the lights dimmed and Luna began to intone the truth to the six mares. "1000 years ago, the six of you were princesses on the moon, serving me, your queen. But when Celestia became Nightmare Moon I transported you to the future and erased your memories, so you could live as normal ponies until the time came to become Harmony Scouts."

"Rangers," Rainbow Dash reminded her.

"Whatever."

"This...this makes no flipping sense!"

~MC~MC~MC~

Luna blinked, startled by Twilight's outburst.

"I mean, first you say that we were picked because we were mares with attitude...then you say that we were really princesses of the moon who were sent to Equestria but had our memories erased! Wouldn't it have made sense to let us keep our memories so we could be better prepare to...fight...why am I arguing this?"

"What's that Moon Pie?"

"Why am I arguing this when I know it isn't true?"

"And how do you know that?" Luna said sweetly.

"BECAUSE I AM NOT A HARMONY RANGER YOU DERANGED PYSCHO!" Twilight roared in Princess Luna's face.

Sniff.

"Princess Luna?" Twilight said a bit softer, eyes growing wide when she saw the fat tears rolling down the moon goddess' cheeks.

"I...I just wanted to be a good mommy," Luna whimpered, her chest quivering with each sob she tried to choke back. "I read this book...for new moms and what they should do with their new daughters and I...I just thought..."

Twilight closed her eyes and reached over, patting the princess' hoof. "It's...it's ok."

"No it's not! My baby hates me!"

Twilight bit her lip, wanting to desperately scream that she wasn't Luna's daughter and she didn't even know how the goddess had come to that conclusion. But seeing the princess so broken up and realizing Luna had made the same mistake Twilight had during her first slumber party....

"Princess L...I mean...'mom'...I'd like to hear the end of the story?"

"R-really?" Luna whispered.

Twilight managed a weak smile. "Sure."

~MC~MC~MC~

"Hahaha!" The Shadowbolts laughed, attacking innocent ponies (because that is what you do when you are evil, apparently…remember kids, Martial arts= good, trying to kill ponies=bad). Ponyville was in shambles as everypony tried to escape the attackers.

Save six.

"Ready girls?" Twilight said, standing dramatically in front of the Shadowbolts.

"Ready!" her friends called out.

"It's Morphin' Time!"

"Honesty!"

"Loyalty!"

"Kindness!"

"Inspiration....er, I mean....Generosity!"

"Laughter!"

"Magic!"

The girls were instantly clothed in spandex suits that were the color of their body (which isn't racist in the slightest) and their helmets had a viewing window that was in the shape of their cutie mark (you'd think that would make it hard to see but...uh...magic?).  The Shadowbolts stomped their hooves and rushed into battle, the girls charging at them and performing impressive/impractical martial arts moves.

"Good thing we are all world-class karate experts, or this would be difficult!" Pinkie Pie said happily, high kicking a Shadowbolt that was trying to sneak past her.

On the moon, Nightmare Moon was not happy. "It's time to take things up a notch!" Her horn glowed and she sent a blast of magic to Equestria. "Magic Horn, make my Shadowbolt GROW!"

The girls began to back away as one of the Shadowbolts grew to the size of a dragon. It stomped its hoof and it sent them all flying in a very cheesy way. 

"What are we gonna do now?" Applejack asked.

"Let's summon the Megazord!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed.

Fluttershy shook her head. "Princess Luna hasn't be able to get the funds to buy it yet." (Kids, remember to ask your parents to buy you the Harmony Megazord! Available at your local Toys R Us!)

"Who are you talking to? What kids?'

"Shhhh, burping time."

"Listen, I will call you mom but I will not let you-UUUURRRP!"

"See?"

"....just...keep going..."

"What about the Kamahamaha?" Twilight offered.

"No can do, Twi," Applejack said. "That belongs to a different story.

~Meanwhile, on Namek~

"Nail.....Nail!"

Nail, a Namekian warrior in service to the leader of Namek, Lord Guru, stepped forward. "What is it Lord Guru?"

"We are in an overhyped internet sensation."

"...how is that any different from every day in our lives?"

"I MEAN A DIFFERENT ONE!" Guru shouted.

~MC~MC~MC~

Just when it looked like their first mission would be their last, several bolts of energy struck the giant Shadowbolt and sent it crashing to the ground.

"Who is that?" Rarity exclaimed, pointing to the new ally. The figure wore an orange spandex uniform with purple highlights and was riding on a high-tech scooter armed with laser guns and all sorts of gadgets. 

"I'm Scootaloo! I either hail from another world where ponies descended from bugs or I was a prisoner who was almost turned into a cyborg slave but I escaped before the brainwashing step and now I fight evil."

"You don't know which one you are?" Twilight asked. "Shouldn't you know your own origin story?"

"Well, it kinda...listen, that isn't important! I have randomly appeared at the last minute and I will now help you all!  Let's take down this monster!"

"Princess Luna, I'm sorry to interrupt your private study time, but I-TWILEY?!?!"

~MC~MC~MC~

Twilight and Luna looked up, startled by the appearance of Shining Armor, Princesses Celestia and Cadence and Tydal (who looked a bit green in the gills at the scene playing out before him). During the last bit of the story Luna had managed to get Twilight out of the crib and in a bib and bonnet and was in the process of rocking her when the others had burst in.

"Help...me..." Twilight whimpered.

Celestia simply shook her head. "Luna, Twilight...what you to do on your own time is your business..."

"But...but I..." Twilight stammered.

Tydal grumbled to himself before speaking. "Luna, release her." The moon goddess reluctantly let the lavender mare go, Twilight slamming to the ground. "Shining Armor, please de-baby your sister. "

"Uh...yes Lord Tydal," the white unicorn said, using his magic to lift a sputtering Twilight up and marched out of the door with his sister floating close behind. Cadence followed after them, confused by the entire situation but going with the flow (as was her nature).

Celestia waited 30 seconds before the tittering laughter she had been trying to contain bubbled up from her lips. "I can't believe you put her in the bib!" She began to make plans to use a memory-depiction spell to get the image of Twilight being craddled by Luna made into a photo as soon as possible. "I knew you were planning on the diaper..."

Luna smirked, all traces of sadness and insanity leaving her instantly as she basked in the glory of a successful gag "What can I say, I was inspired. What better what to welcome my daughter into the family then by pranking her? It's a tradition!"

Tydal watched his students/sisters laugh and shook his head in good humor. "This is why our family reunions are so short."

> Princess Cadence
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You know, it's been a while since I had to do this," Shining said, his horn glowing as he worked to help free Twilight from the diaper Luna had slapped on her. The lavender unicorn was lying on her back, face puckered in a scowl (actually, that was the exact same look she had worn the last time Shining had changed her diaper). "Let's hope you don't give me a shower this time."

"Shiny, I swear to Celestia," Twilight grumbled, her cheeks crimson from the sheer embarrassment of the situation. Whatever enchantment Luna had used to block her magic had yet to wear off, leaving her at the mercy of her older brother.

"Come on, you have to let me have my fun, Twiley." Shining tossed the diaper aside and Twilight, with as much dignity as she could muster, flipped back onto her hooves and scurried off the bed. “I mean…have you seen what I have to deal with?”

“Seen it? I got cuddled by ‘it’.” 

“Careful, that’s your ‘mom’ you are talking about.”

Twilight would have growled, but she found herself staring at a pair of socks that had been tucked under the bed. “Why the heck do you have these?” She gave him a wide-eyed stare. “You aren’t into…that, are you?”

Shining rubbed the back of his neck. “Cadence…wanted to try something...it was a phase…anyway, so you got kidnapped by the princess and treated like a baby;  there are some ponies that pay good money for that kind of treatment.”

“Not…me…”

“Are you sure?” Shining teased.

“All my hate, Shiny, all of my hate.”

“I don’t like hate,” Cadence said, trotting into the room. Her pink, purple and yellow mane, unlike her ‘aunts’, did not billow about her like it was caught in the breeze but instead seemed to shift depending on her mood, its brightness depending on just how happy she was (and considering this was Cadence…well, it was a lucky thing it wasn’t blinding ponies). “It isn’t nice in the slightest.” She went to a window, pushing it open and letting several song birds in, who promptly began to flutter about her head, tweeting happy songs.

Twilight leaned in towards her brother. “Has she always been so…”

“Bubbly?”

“Yeah…if she were any sweeter we’d all get diabetes.”

Shining choked back a laugh. “Careful Twiley, that’s my wife you’re talking about.”

“Yeah yeah…doesn’t make it any less true.” Twisting her neck back and forth to work out the kinks, Twilight gave her rear a little wiggle, glad to be out of the diaper (though she had to admit that it was functional…she would have been able to study without bathroom breaks…). “Alright, this has been mentally scarring, so I think I will make my escape. See you all in the group therapy I’m sure we’ll need.”

“Do you have to go now?” Shining asked softly. “I mean…it’s really nice having someone around that is…sane.”

“What about your wife?” Twilight teased.

“Shining!” Cadence called out in a panic, looking out the window at the ponies down on the street. “Those two ponies are fighting! It is so horrible!”

Twilight and Shining joined the young princess at the window, staring down at the scene. “Cadence, sweetie…that's a cop trying to stop a mugger.”

“Well, now they are coltfriends!” Cadence said, her horn glowing. Twilight’s face screwed up in disgust as the enchanted policepony suddenly found a new use for his handcuffs. “Touch…touch hooves,” Cadence said almost manically.

“You were asking about sanity?” Shining Armor said dryly.

“I see your point.”

“Stroke the horn…that’s it!” Cadence cackled, left eye twitching and mouth screwed up in a strange twisted grin. Seeing the princess acting so unhinged made Twilight wonder if they wouldn’t have been better off with the Changelings taking over (at the very least the brothels would have seen their profits skyrocket).

“Ok sweetie, I think you’ve spread enough love today,” Shining said calmly, guiding his grinning wife away from the window. “I bet Twilight is hungry…could you go get her something to eat?”

Instantly her face reverted to normal. “Of course Shining Armor!” Cadence happily left the room, leaving the brother and sister to stare at her ‘handiwork’ on the street below.

“That is going to break so many decency laws,” Twilight muttered. “So…when did Cadence go insane?”

“Her therapist thinks it has something to do with post-traumatic stress disorder…apparently being locked away in a cavern while a bug-pony takes your form and brainwashed all your friends and fiancé can cause some mental scarring.”

“Yeah, that might do it.”

“Being tackled by the foal you use to love to foalsit and accused of being a monster also doesn’t help.”

Twilight visibly deflated. “Yeah…I bet…almost as much as having your brother not believe you and side with the same bug-queen…after he failed to tell you he was getting married. Oh, and he never apologized…at all. Very…very scarring”

“Er…right.” Shining rubbed the back of his head. 

“So…scarring…”

Shining awkwardly looked about the room. “So…er…you think the Detrot Red Wings will win the cup this year?”

“…are you honestly trying to talk sports with me?”

Shining sighed in defeat. “Yes…please, it’s been months since I’ve been able to discuss hockey! I can’t talk to the princesses about it, Tydal just screams at the players to ‘kill each other and be done with it’ and the last time I took Cadence to a game she used her magic and the whole thing was called off due to ‘orgy’.”

“Oh, that was such a special day!” Cadence said happily, trotting back into the room, a plate of treats floating next to her. “All those ponies hitting each other…first in a bad way, then in a good way…” Cadence’s smile grew VERY disturbing. “Then in a bad-good way and a good-bad way…” She shook off her mania and began to sort out the treats. “Now then, we have some cupcakes, some lemon squares, brownies-“

Cadence paused when saw Shining standing behind his sister, violently slashing his hoof across his throat, pointing at Twilight.

“Oh…I seem to have forgotten the brownies.”

Twilight leaned towards the plate. “But there are some right-“ Cadence lifted all 5 brownies into the air with her magic and shoved them into her mouth, “-there.”

“Mupfe!” she exclaimed, struggling to swallow her mouthful. 

“Then I guess a cookie will have to do,” Twilight said, giving Shining Armor a look that clearly screamed ‘What the heck do you see in her?’.

“So, Lord Tydal told us about the little prank he pulled on you,” Cadence said happily, wiping away bits of brownie from her lips. “I thought it sounded like so much fun, making up stories about that little pegasus filly…so I came up with one myself!”

“Uh, I’m not asking ponies to-“

Shining grabbed his sister and pulled her close, whispering, “Please just let her tell it…I don’t want to guess what will happen to her if you reject her…we’ve lost 15 guards that way.”

“She killed them?!”

“No.”

“Oh….OH!” Twilight’s eyes widened in horror. “…ok Princess Cadence, go right ahead.”

“Goodie!”

~MC~MC~MC~

Once upon a time, in a kingdom far away from Equestria, there lived a king and queen who longed for a foal of their own. They prayed and they hoped and they even considered hiring some thugs to go rob a maternity ward, but in the end they were blessed with a happy little filly. They named her Scootaloo, and she was truly a lucky little pony. Her coat was orange like the ripest of oranges and the top of her head was capped with a mane of brilliant violet hair that made every mare jealous.  Her days with her parents were happy and all hoped they would never end.

But their happiness was short lived. Threats to the kingdom forced the king and queen to send their child out into the wild, to fend for herself while they dealt with the demons at the gate. It was the only way to protect her and it was with heavy hearts that they sent her into the Everfree forest-

“So, to protect her they sent her off alone with no bodyguards or anything?”

“Twiley…”

“Sorry, sorry.”

Scootaloo wandered the Everfree forest, looking about her with wide, curious eyes, While others might have been terrified by the dark and spooky trees, Scootaloo only saw a place filled with magic that needed a little love and attention to make it better. She began to skip along, humming to herself, and unbeknownst to her all the evil and wicked creatures that had been stalking her suddenly found their hearts touched by her joy and turned upon their brethren, guarding the filly and protecting her from any threats.

Soon the little princess came upon a strange cottage in the middle of the woods. It was filled with exotic artifacts and mystical items but to Scootaloo that mattered little, for it was a dry place where she could sleep.

What she didn’t realize was that this cottage belonged to the 7 Mini Mares…

“Because who would EVER think that a house could belong to somepony…”

“Twiley, remember what mom use to do when you interrupted?”

“Not the soap! Not the soap!”

The 7 Mini Mares happily marched towards their cottage, singing the song they always sang after work (because reciting mathematical equations would have been crazy).

The 7 Mini Mares
Hi-tares, hi-tares, we are the singing mares! 
To our home, 
we happily go,
hi-tares, hi-tares hi-tares hi-tares! 

Hi-tares, hi-tares, we sing to forest bears! 
We’re stressed out runts
need to please our c-

“Hey! Careful there!”

“Oh, sorry Twilight…just got caught up in the song.”

“Hey, I think somepony busted into our house!” a cyan mini mare complained, hurrying over to the slightly-ajar door. 

“Somepony done ate my oats!” an orange pony complained.

“Somepony’s been sleeping in my fabulous chair…the one with the blue throw pillow…” a white mare whined. "This is the WORST....THING....EVER!"

“Lookie, somepony slept in my bed and then left this filly in there!” a little pink mare giggled, jumping on the bed. “Hey, missy, do you know who slept in my bed?”

“I think it was her,” a lavender mini mare said. She trotted over to the bed, doing her best to smile as the filly slowly awoke. “Shh, it’s ok…we won’t hurt you.”

“Who…who are all of you?”

“We are the 7 Mini Mares,” the lavender pony said. 

“I’m Brago!” the cyan mare said.

“I’m Bucko!” the orange one proclaimed.

“I’m Giveo, darling,” the white one stated.

“Rhymeo I be, that’s easy to see,” a black and white mini zebra said.

“How do you know about Zecora?”

“You mean Princess Zecora? She is acting ambassador for Zebrica.”

“She’s…what?”

“I’m Yakko,” the lavender one said

“I’m Wakko!” the pink one giggled, having somehow been able to change into a blue shirt and a red hat in the 15 seconds the others had introduced themselves.

“And I’m, uh...Dot,” the yellow one stated, giving a little curtsy. 

The princess smiled, stretching as she rose from the bed. “I’m Scootaloo, pretty little princess and friend to everyone.”

“Gag me,”

“I’m considering it, Twiley, I’m considering it.”

Scootaloo, sensing that these small mares were ponies she could trust, told them all about her life and what had led her to coming to their cottage. She spoke of the war against her kingdom and how she had traveled here to find safety. And they all knew what she needed to feel better.

“Pie!” Wakko exclaimed.

“Pie?” Scootaloo said.

Wakko giggled, grabbing the filly and dragging her into the kitchen. “Of course… everything is better with pie!”

Wakko

It's a wonderful day for pie 
You can ask all the birds in the sky
And they'll tell you real sweet
with a musical tweet 

Owlowicious 

It's a wonderful day for pie!  

Brago and Bucko

For Pie 

Owlowicious

For Pie 

Yakko

For Pie 

Dot

 For Pie 

“Wow, and I thought my friends singing was weird and random.”

“Yeah, I always thought it was strange that everyone in this kingdom bursts into song every few days…”

Wakko

It's a wonderful day for pie... 

Rhymeo

...and this rhyming is easier for I!

A Grumpy Mouse Doctor

Even the tiniest mouse 

Giveo

Played by Gregory House!

Singing Bee

The bees making honey

Tydal

Why am I here, OCs aren’t funny!

Entire Cast

 We all sing with glee, 
'cause we all agree 
It's a wonderful, wonderful day for pie!!!!!!!!!

“Well, at least this story won’t end with Big Macintosh and Fluttershy having sex.”

~MC~MC~MC~

Shining Armor stared at his sister, wondering if that diaper had been strapped on too tight and given her brain damage (how a tight diaper would cause that he had no clue, but still…).

“Why would you even mention that?”

Twilight sighed. “It was a theory I heard yesterday…that Scootaloo is the child of Fluttershy and Big Macintosh and she came from the future to ensure they get together.”

Shining Armor wasn’t satisfied with her answer. “But what does that have to do with your friend and some pony named BIG Macintosh having sex?”

“Well, at the end of that story they had sex in front of everypony right after the song-“

“That’s is what my story is missing!” Cadence said with a wicked grin that would have done Discord proud. “Hot, hardcore sex!”

“Say what now?” Twilight and Shining said.

~MC~MC~MC~

The song finished and Wakko turned towards the Princess and the mini mares, licking her lips lewdly. “And this pie is very special,” Wakko said, running her hoof down her stomach. “So yummy and sweet…who wants a taste?”

“I do, I do!”  Brago exclaimed, leaping onto Wakko, her wings springing to full attention. Giveo and Bucko were off in the corner, touching hooves…

“Uh…Cadence?”

There was a sudden knock on the door and when Yakko opened it she was startled to see a strapping black pegasus with huge muscles and massive wings walk into the cottage. “Hi there, I’m the pizza delivery guy.”

“We didn’t order a pizza,” Scootaloo said.

“That’s ok, I got something just as hot and spicy for you to wrap your lips around…” He paused, letting that sink it. “And by that I mean my pe-”

“STOP!”

~MC~MC~MC~

“Bo-chica-wow-wow…” Cadence sang, thrusting her body slightly, much to the horror of Shining Armor and Twilight. “Bo-chica-wow-wow, chica-wow!”

“And I thought seeing you in a diaper would be the most scarring sight of the day,” Shining muttered.

“Listen, this has been…disturbing…but I really need to go.”

“We could give you a ride!” Cadence said happily (never noticing the double entendre she had made).

“No…I’m good…” Twilight’s horn glowed and a lightbulb magically popped up over her head. “I am just going to break a promise to a friend.”

“Say what now?” Shining asked.

“Breaking a promise to a friend is the surest way to lose a friend,” Twilight said quickly. The moment the words left her mouth Pinkie Pie burst out of a potted plant.

“Forev-“ Twilight wrapped her foreleg around Pinkie’s neck, cutting her comment off.

“Take…me…home…now.”

“Okie Dokie,” Pinkie choked out, yanking both of them through the potted plant and back into Ponyville.

Shining looked at where his sister had been and sighed. “Gee, thanks Twiley…leave me alone with my rich and powerful nymphomaniac wife who is now so revved up for sex that she will try anything I ask- wait, why am I complaining about this?” He turned, giving Cadence a saucy grin. “Oh pookey bear!”



> Twilight Sparkle
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Take me on, take on me, I'll...be...gone..." 

Twilight could not get the song out of her head.  It was her own fault, trusting Pinkie to use whatever strange Pinkie magic she had that allowed her to warp about to get them both home. The moment she had been pulled into the potted plant Twilight had found herself in a strange world where her and her friend looked like they were pencil sketches. They'd been chased through an empty hallway by ponies in black outfits and helmets, all the while the song that currently was buzzing through Twilight's brain cells had played overhead.

Once they had reappeared in the library Twilight had shooed her friend away and went about getting ready for bed. The long day had left her utterly exhausted and Twilight was so happy to find the note Spike had left, stating he was spending the night at Rarity's place.

'Finally, a night all to myself...no crazy theories, no insane stories about Scootaloo, no talk about me and Princess Luna or brownies or tables...just sleep!'

"By Celestia you are boring!"

'Well...me and apparently my reflection which has suddenly become sentient,' Twilight thought as she slowly turned towards the mirror.

Mirror Twilight looked at her in disgust, rolling her eyes.  "Geez, we look so boring! Would it kill you to put on some makeup? If not for you then at least for my sake!" The image in the mirror rippled, Mirror Twilight altering herself to be 'less boring'. Twilight gasped at her doppelganger's transformation, her mind suddenly doing loop-the-loops.

Mirror Twilight's mane and tail were now in cornrows, each braid capped with a glittery bead. She had slathering  makeup on till she looked like a Manehattan wild-filly. She wore gaudy golden shoes and earrings in the shape of her cutie mark dangled from her ears. Topping the entire look was the look of utter disdain that graced her features.

"What...you think that actually looks good?"

"Tartarus yes!" Mirror Twilight said, using her magic to pull out a cigarette. Even her voice had changed, dropping an octave and losing all sense of proper dictation. "All the stallions love it when we dress like this!"

"I have NEVER dressed like that."

Mirror Twilight laughed. "Oh Twilight, Twilight, Twilight...did Celestia get you good!"

"What are you talking about?" Twilight snapped at her reflection. "Wait, why am I arguing with you...you aren't real! You're not scientifically possible!"

"You sure about that?" Mirror Twilight asked. "Who is to say what is real and what isn't real? You didn't think time travel was real and now you know better. Maybe I've spent way too much time watching you ruin our life that I gained sentience just to slap some sense into you!" Mirror Twilight licked her lips lewdly. "Or maybe you're just crazy. Could be both or neither."

"Let's assume you are real," Twilight said darkly, trying not to think about the prospect that she might be nuts. "Why would my reflection look so..."

"Beautiful? Gorgeous?"

"Slutty."

Mirror Twilight gasped in glee. "Why thank you! I was going to for slutty but you can never tell if you managed to pull it off. Especially since I can't exactly look in a mirror since, duh, I am a mirror."

"Still haven't answered my question," Twilight grunted.

Mirror Twilight cackled. "Oh, come off it, nerdy bird! I can't believe Celestia managed to rattle your brain so much that you don't remember the real you."

"I am the real me."'

"But ya ain't, Twi, ya ain't!" Mirror Twilight mocked. "I am."

"Ponyfeathers."

"Gasp!" Mirror Twilight said sarcastically, placing a hoof on her chest. "Do you kiss your dictionary with that mouth?"

"You leave Mr. Dictionary out of this!"

"Please, he isn’t that special. You do know that 'thine' is a word, right? It’s rather old and not used often..."

Twilight turned from her reflection, huffing in annoyance. "We are done here."

"You think it will be that easy?" Mirror Twilight said, now talking to her from Twilight's reflection in the window. "I am not going to go away that easily, not after finally getting free."

Twilight tried to turn away but found no matter which direction she turned, her reflection was always there. Finally she shut her eyes, deciding that if she didn't see the other her that she would disappear.

"No I won't," Mirror Twilight taunted just off to her left. "Come on, bookworm, just listen to what I have to say...then I'll leave ya be...scout's honor."

"I was never a scout."

"...smarter than ya look, Twi, smarter than ya look."  Mirror Twilight sighed, sitting down on her haunches. "Come on...you know you want to hear what I have to say...it's about Scootaloo."

"What?" Twilight whispered.

"That got your attention! You know, some ponies are going to get the wrong idea if you keep stalking that filly."

"It isn't like...forget it. Just tell me your stupid theory about Scootaloo and then leave me alone!"

"It isn't a theory and it isn't stupid, Twi; it's all true."  Mirror Twilight tilted her head to the side. "Do you know who Scootaloo is?"

"No," Twilight admitted.

"She's...you."

"...pull the other one."

Mirror Twilight laughed. "Oh, you are getting a bit testy...I love it!" Clanking her hoof against the glass, Mirror Twilight continued. "Let me paint you a picture Twilight of your past, your real past. You don't remember what you were like when you were a teenager, do you?"

"I was Celestia's student...I was learning how to perform spells and she was grooming me for a life in court-"

"WRONG!" Mirror Twilight shouted. "Let me remind you who you really were...before Celestia interfered..."

~Years Ago~

Princess Celestia knocked on her faithful student's door, concerned. She had been waiting for nearly an hour for Twilight to meet her in the library and when she hadn't shown the Princess had become concerned. Twilight had always been a model student, ever punctual and willing to go the extra mile just to make her mentor proud. For her to miss a study period was simply unheard of and Celestia feared that her precious little Twilight might have come down with-

"Pardon me!" a stocky stallion grunted as he threw open the door, staggering past a startled Celestia. The princess shook off her surprise and used a blast of magic to pin the stallion to the wall. "Whoa, you want a piece of Bed Rocker?"

"Who are you and what are you doing in my student's bedroom?" Celestia nearly snarled. "Answer me now or-"

"Aw, come on-HIC!-Tia...lay off Bed Rocker!" Celestia turned, the stallion forgotten as the princess stared at her student. Twilight's mane  had been cut into a Mohawk and body piercings littered her body. Her room looked like a liquor store had exploded and the smell of cigarettes, cheap booze and sex clung to everything...including the lavender unicorn that was lewdly rubbing her flank. "After all...I did give him quite a hard night!" Twilight called from the bed.

"Twilight...what..."

"Keep your mouth open like that and I'll shove something in it...or let Bed Rocker do the shoving. He's good at that...among other things."

Celestia felt her knees buckle at the sight of her student. What had happened to the sweet little filly she had talked to just hours ago?

"Spike...Spike!" Twilight howled, rolling off the bed with a thud. "Ugh...room is spinning. Spike! Bring me my medicine."

Spike entered and Celestia choked back the scream that threatened to burst from her lips. The baby dragon was covered in tattoos and his bloodshot eyes made it appear as if he hadn't slept in weeks.  He brought Twilight a bottle of booze and the unicorn used him as a bottle opener, shoving the cap in his mouth and jerking him up. She then used her magic to pop the bottle in her mouth, which she suckled like a baby.

"Help...me..." Spike whimpered.

“I would NEVER act like that!”

~MC~MC~MC~

“But ya did, Twi, ya did!” Mirror Twilight mocked. “You’ve just forgotten…thanks to Celestia.”

“What are you talking about; why do you keep saying that?”

Mirror Twilight sighed in disgust. “You really are dense, you know that? Did no one ever explain to you unicorn puberty.”

“…you mean how every month I-“

“No, not that,” Mirror Twilight complained. “All ponies with a horn, be they unicorns or alicorns, go through a wild child phase during their teens. Their magic simply becomes too much for them and they…well, their egos go into overdrive. They become reckless creatures obsessed with sex and drugs and rock-n-roll.”

“Rock-n-roll…really?”

“Hey, I didn’t come up with this stuff, I’m just the messenger!” Mirror Twilight complained. “Anyway, think of it like how most teenagers are, only boosted to 1000%.”

Twilight frowned. “If this happens all the time, why haven’t I heard about it or read about it?”

“No pony talks about it because it is embarrassing. You think Prince Blueblood wants ponies knowing he went a few years wearing faux-leather and listening the speed metal? All unicorns just keep quiet about it. Heck, most of the time it isn’t even that big of a deal. The strength of the ego is related to one’s magic…take our brother, Shiny. He hardly changed at all, just got a bit more crazy and he focused a bit more on sex than most stallions do.”

“First, ew. Second, you honestly think our…I mean MY brother was like that? Shining Armor is a true gentlecolt and would never be obsessed with sex.”

~Meanwhile, in Canterlot~

Shining Armor stood on top of Canterlot Castle, staring out at the city.  After Twilight had left, he and Cadence…well, the things his wife had done…sometimes something beautiful happens in this world…Shining didn't know how to express himself…so…he just had to sing…

Shining Armor

I JUST HAD SEX!
And it felt so good!
A mare let me put my junk inside of her!
I just had sex!
And I’ll never go back!
To not having sex is a thing of the past!

Celestia looked up from her balcony, frowning before she turned to her sister. “Should we tell Cadence about this?”

Luna rolled her eyes. “Who do you think is singing backup for him?

Princess Cadence and Shining Armor

WE JUST HAD SEX!
And our dreams came true!
If you just had sex in the last 30 minutes
Then you qualify to sing with us!

Celestia sighed. “Utterly disgraceful…wait…why is that gray pegasus up there…?”

Princess Cadence, Shining Armor, Derpy, Doctor Whooves, Tydal, half of the Wonderbolts, Gilda and Trixie

WE JUST HAD SEX!
And it felt so good!
A mare let a stallion put his junk inside of her!
We just had sex!
And we'll never go back!
To not having sex is a thing of the past!

~MC~MC~MC~

“Yeah, he’s a saint,” Mirror Twilight said drolly.

“None of this makes any sense and I don’t see the point to this…silliness!”

"The point is, Twilight, an increased sex drive and a need to rebel is perfectly fine if you are a regular unicorn. The problems arise when you are as powerful as we are..."

"We go into overdrive?" Twilight questioned.

"Ding ding ding!" Mirror Twilight said sarcastically. "Right on the bulls-eye. But that isn't the worst problem."

"And that is...what exactly?'

Mirror Twilight grinned. "Have you ever heard the saying, 'Once you go black, you never go back?'"

"Of course. It refers to the idea that once you go down the dark side of magic, forever will it dominate your destiny. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering."

"And suffering leads to really bad country songs," Mirror Twilight snarked. 

"So you are trying to claim...what, exactly?"

"Nothing. I claim nothing. I am stating for a fact that we got a taste of being bad and loved it. Would have become like mom and been the new Nightmare Moon...or a stripper. Really they are the same thing when you think about it..."

"Nightmare Moon is not our mother," Twilight snapped.

"And we eat brownies in a perfectly normal way," Mirror Twilight stated.  "Well, that is what WAS going to happen to us, until little goodie four-shoes Princess Molestia got her hooves on us..."

~MC~MC~MC~

"Are you sure this is necessary?" Twilight Velvet whispered, tears in her eyes as she watched her little filly struggle against her restraints. Princess Celestia had let her and Night Light (seriously, Night Light? Who hates their kid that much?) know what was happening to their little girl and had promised that, with the right spells and procedures she could bring their Twilight Sparkle back.

Spells and Procedures: Otherwise known as occult magic and invasive surgeries.

"Trust me, Velvet, this is for the best. Do you know I caught your daughter jaywalking?"

"Well...that doesn't sound too bad..." Night Light (ugh...hate...that...name) said.

"She had just burned down an orphanage."

"Wait, why didn't the Princess lead with the orphanage thing?"

"Tartarus if I know."

Celestia gave Twilight's parents a sad smile. "trust me, this is for the best."

"Ok...do it."

Thankful they were going along with her plan, Celestia walked up to Twilight, who was cursing and ranting up a storm. "Don't worry, my faithful student, we've hired the best doctor a tiny bit of money could buy: Dr. Nick N. Cut."

A yellow unicorn with a black mane and a goatee entered, his white lab coat rustling slightly. "Hi everypony!"

"Hi Dr. Nick!" Everpony, even Twilight, called out happily.

"Now then Twilight, I have been informed you wanted a sex change operation."

Celestia shook her head. "No Doctor, Twilight is suffering from unicorn puberty."

"Uh oh...no wonder that pegasus next door was so mad...eh, Rainbow Dash will just have to live with being a mare. No worry, I'll have ya fixed up in a jiffy! Now, you might feel a slight tickling sensation..." Dr. Nick used his magic to grab what looked like a club covered in razor blades, "...when I jam this down your throat!"

"You're joking."

"Only a little, that's the screwed up thing!"

After several hours of surgery (during which Twilight was legal dead for only 3 minutes) Dr. Nick happily declared the operation a complete success.

"The most fulfilling part of all of this...is when you'll hand me my bits."

Celestia passed the cash over before walking over to her student. "Twilight, can you hear me?"

"The mirror."

"What are you-"

"THE MIRROR!"

Celestia nervously passed her student the mirror...who merely shrugged at her reflection. "Not bad...hey, can we go do some studying?"

"My little filly is ok!" Velvet exclaimed happily, rushing over and giving Twilight a hug.

"Yes, Twilight Sparkle is completely cured," Princess Celestia said, before reaching down and grabbing a small orange pegasus foal with a shock of purple hair. "Now, how do you want us to kill her evil half?"

"WHAT?!?!" Night Light and Twilight Velvet exclaimed.

Celestia frowned, setting the foal down. "I...I thought you understood: this operation took all the evil and dark energy that was growing in Twilight and turned it into a foal. Now all we have to do is throw it in a blender and Equestria will be ok."

Night Light shook his head. "You...you can't be serious...we can't kill an innocent foal!"

"But you must!" Celestia sighed. "I once thought as you did...my evil half was removed from me so I could be the goddess of the sun and she became an evil monster that nearly destroyed the world."

"You mean Princess Luna?"

"What? No! What are you, drunk? No, my evil half was called Lord Piccolo. Luckily a monkey-boy defeated him...but he then spit out an egg that became Piccolo Jr and...you know what? It's a really good story but it gets really complicated so we won't go into a lot of detail...my point is that it is a bad idea."

"You can't seriously think that innocent little foal is evil!" Night Light said.

The foal gurgled before launching herself at Dr. Nick, swallowing him whole.

"Do you ever get tired of being wrong all the time?" Velvet complained.

"It's weird, I wasn't always wrong until I got married...I wonder if there is a connection?" Night Light groused as the baby burped out a thigh bone and began to destroy lab equipment.

In the end Night Light and Twilight Velvet couldn't kill the foal, as it was a piece of their daughter...it was like her daughter, making the child, who they named Scootaloo, their granddaughter. So, they did the only decent thing they could do: They abandoned her in the Everfree and hoped for the best.

"...ok, now I know you aren't real."

~MC~MC~MC~

"How can you say that?" Mirror Twilight snarled. "What's your proof?"

"I'm not as stupid as you clearly are."

"...shoot."

Twilight blinked, realizing her reflection had gone back to normal. "...that's it, no more finding out about Scootaloo! I am done, you hear me, done!" She looked at the sky (well, her roof) and shook her hoof in anger. "You hear me! I am done and there is nothing you can do to convince me otherwise."

~1,000 years later~

"-and as you all know," a professor at the Canterlot School for Gifted Unicorns said, "those words would go down as being the dumbest thing Princess Twilight would ever say."

"Wait, I'm confused," a little pink unicorn called out. "I thought we were learning about Princess Twilight, Princess Applejack, Princess Pinkie Pie, Princess Rainbow Dash, Princess Fluttershy, and Princess Rarity..."

"We are," the professor said kindly. "The search for the origins of High Priestess Scootaloo is a very important part of the history of the Immortal Bearers' history."

"Then why did we have to learn about Prince Shining Armor and Princess Cadence singing about having sex? That had nothing to do with Princess Twilight or High Priestess Scootaloo. And why was the Dark Queen Derpy even mentioned?"

"Yeah," another student said, "and what is with that OC Tydal always popping up?"

"...shut up."

> defender2222
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

There were certain things that, since she had moved to Ponyville, Twilight Sparkle had come to expect to find when she woke up. They included: 

-Pinkie Pie attempting to throw a 'Good Morning!' party in her bathroom (how she managed to hide in the toilet that one time, Twilight never knew)

-Spike dancing around in sunglasses, playing his saxophone (though that wasn’t THAT annoying…except when Octavia had spent that one week pestering him to join her band and be her drakefriend)

-Rainbow Dash knocking on the door, wanting to know if the new Daring Do novel was out (‘Maybe I should let her know about Fluttershy…if only to see her have five heart attacks in a row’)

-Mayor Mare dancing in her yard while wearing a cow costume, attempting to make the grass grow (which happened more often than one would think/hope)

But finding Derpy and Dinky Hooves sitting at her table while a strange creature that looked nothing like a pony made breakfast… that did not even make her Top 758 List of Things to Expect In the Morning(#758 was, of course, Queen Chrysalis sitting in her living room playing chess with a Diamond Dog).

“HI MISS TWILIGHT!” Dinky squealed.

"Morning, Twilight," the strange creature that had broken into her home said, checking the eggs to make sure they were getting fluffy (the trick is a splash of milk). "I was originally planning to make us pancakes but then I remembered that pancakes are made after a night of love-making and...well...no offense but I like my girlfriends to have hands." He paused, a smirk forming on his lips. "Of course, if I had even tried such a thing I'm pretty sure all the readers would have tarred and feathered me! Have you seen some of the reviews I got for the last chapter? Geez!”

“I tarred and feathered somepony once,” Derpy said. “And by tarring I mean hug and feathered I mean join the army and by did I mean I did not.”

Twilight just stared at Derpy before turning to look at the creature, deciding that between it and Derpy the creature would be the easiest to figure out.

He looked nothing like a pony at all; his face was flat, topped with very short blonde hair and a neatly trimmed goatee that encircled his mouth.  He was bipedal, with long legs and arms that forced him to stoop as he worked on breakfast (the kitchen was designed for a pony, not a being over 6 feet in height). He wore a pair of jeans and a red hoodie, over which was thrown a long brown coat that reached his casual shoes. A pair of glasses rested on his nose and he seemed to always be pondering something or laughing. 

At once she knew what he was.

"You're one of those humans Lyra was shouting about," Twilight said dumbly, looking around in fear, as if she suspected Lyra to leap out at any moment and try to take the stranger's hands (little did Twilight know that Lyra was out of town, promoting her new rap album "Lyra and Bon Bon Go Back to School").

“Of course he is!” Dinky said. “He’s like my daddy…except he can’t regenerate and is a human human and not a human who is really a Time Lord that regenerated into a Time Lord Pony.”

“Exactly.” The human pulled the fry pan from the stove and left it for Dinky and Derpy to divide up while he focused on making the hash browns. "Normally I'd prefer some bacon but I have a feeling you wouldn't take kindly to me eating something you might have had a conversation with. Too bad...breakfast isn't breakfast if I haven't made some baby animal an orphan."

"Who...how...why..." Twilight stammered, wondering (not for the first time) if none of the events of the last few days were really happening and she had, in fact, suffered a stroke and was now strapped to a hospital bed, hallucinating everything she was living through.

The human chuckled, finishing with the hash browns and motioning for her to join the rest of them at the table. Twilight dully did, trying to wrap her mind around these new events. Derpy was diving into the muffins the human had made while Dinky happily gobbled up her eggs.  "All good questions,” he said as he began to spoon some scrambled eggs onto her plate.  “The who is the most complex thing to answer. The short answer is that I have many names...Kevin, Carter, Jonathan, Geno, Arliss, Mr. Chaos (A personal favorite of mine, I must admit) but currently I am going by defender2222." 

“You’re like me!” Derpy said, swallowing a hunk of muffin. “Sometimes I’m Derpy and sometimes I’m Ditzy and sometimes I am Deathstorm, Dark Queen of Ruin.”

Dinky nodded. “I’m always Dinky.”

"defender2222? Really?" Twilight asked, staring at the strange human. 

"Hey, I could make fun of your name, Miss Sparkle. Sounds like you should be a laundry soap." Defender held out his hands like he was a Manehattan theater director setting up the scene. "Twilight Sparkle: It gets your tough stains out!" Dinky giggled at defender2222’s joke, while Derpy looked at her bubble cutie mark and wondered if she hadn’t gotten Twilight’s by mistake.

"Like I haven't heard that one before," she grumbled, levitating some toast over and taking a bite (if she was going to suffer through insanity at least she could get a meal out of it).

"As for how I got here: the magic of the 4th wall...and not because of a lack of creativity as I know SOME of you believe! Yeah, you…yes, you, the one that is getting ready to go read “Cadence Rising” instead of this! Don’t you dare click that link!" 

Twilight watched as the strange man wagged his finger at seemingly empty space. "Uh...who are you yelling at?"

"The readers," defender said with a shrug, all his anger suddenly burned away, leaving him calm. "You know, the people that keep giving this story favorites?" Under his breath he muttered. "Haven't gotten a TVtropes page yet...lousy-"

"What do you mean, readers? What readers?"

defender2222 sighed. "How to explain this without shattering your sense of worth..." he tapped his chin, contemplating that riddle as he munched on his hash brown. 

"Why don't you just be blunt?" Twilight asked. She had decided 3 seconds into this conversation that she must be dreaming or having a psychological break (considering last night she had fought with her reflection, that was becoming more and more likely) and it would be worthless to try and fight with logic. Better just to give in and accept defeat (much like the Manehattan Mets did every baseball season).

"Alright then...you are currently in a fan fiction that I created a few weeks ago that is being read by nearly a thousand humans."

Twilight blinked. "A...what?"

"Fan fiction," Derpy stated happily, poppy seeds from her muffin covering her lips like snowflakes. "It is a story written by a fan not attributed to a show or movie. It would be like if Rainbow Dash wrote a story about Daring Do. defender2222 thinks we are in a show."

"That…is crazy.” Twilight shook her head, wondering if the human was just as nuts as Lyra (and every other pony in Equestria, apparently).

"Oh boy..." the human tugged on his beard. "Ok, be blunt, be blunt...you are my interpretation of a cartoon character that is part of a franchise that was originally designed to sell toys to little girls back in the 80s."

"...Tydal already tried the 'you're a toy' story."

“Did I get a figure?” Dinky asked.

“Not yet but your mom did.”

“Cool!” Derpy said happily. “I hope it came with toy muffins! I wouldn't want toy me to get hungry.”

defender2222 continued. "Yes, Tydal told you the toy origin, and other than that Scootaloo part, everything he said was true… but I created Tydal which makes me his daddy and thus whatever he said I can take credit for because that is what fathers do." defender2222 blinked, considering his words. "Wait...I established that Tau Sunflare is his mother...so I just made it canon in my story that me and an alicorn have a kid...holy crap that is twisted, even for me!" He looked down, lips pursed. "Hope I don't owe any child support or alimony."

Derpy blinked. “You owe her all-your-money? How will you pay your rent?” She let out a horrified gasp. “How will you buy-“

“Muffins?” defender asked.

“-pizza!” Everypony stared at Derpy, who glowered a bit at them. “What…I can like more than muffins!”

"That's racist!" Dinky proclaimed.

Twilight blinked, going back to defender’s explanation. "I only understood every third word you said," Twilight complained. She ate a bit of her eggs, considering all defender2222 had told her ('even if he is crazy, at least he is a great cook!'). "So...you are trying to tell me none of us are real?"

"Heck no!" the writer exclaimed. "You are very real."

"How can I be...you just said I was a cartoon character."

"That doesn't make you any less real. In the hearts and minds of millions of fans you exist and that is all that matters. Look at it this way...more humans know your name than mine. They know what you look like, your life story; there are maybe a thousand people at most that know I exist. If anyone is less real at this table, it's me!"

"...you're a bit crazy, aren't you?"

defender2222 smirked. "We're all crazy, Twilight. I’m just ahead of the curve.”

“I’m not crazy!” Derpy said, trying to balance 5 muffins on her head while Dinky cheered her on.

Twilight had to accept the human’s logic (as much as she didn't want too). "So...as for the why…why are you all here?”

Defender2222 tugged on his beard (apparently a nervous habit). "Ah, and now we come to the meta part of this chapter." The writer flashed a wide grin at his audience. "Be glad, originally I wrote this entire thing as a dream that wasn't nearly as funny and was incredibly meta. It was like Abed from Community had written it."

“We’re here because Mr. defender invited us!” Dinky said happily. “He said we are popular with the fans and he wanted his chapter to be liked by as maaaannnnyyyy people-ponies as possible!”

“And to make up for all the icky sex stuff that grossed out some of the readers,” Dinky said, making a ‘yucky’ face. 

Derpy frowned. “I liked the sex stuff…”

defender2222 leaned back in his chair, stretching out his lean 6 foot 2 frame as he took control of the conversation. "You see, every chapter of this story has been a parody of different origins and ways to tell stories. I've done clop fics and superponies and mystical origins and OCs. This chapter is the Author-Insert chapter and the ‘human comes to Equestria’ chapter, where I blatantly add myself to the story and have a starring role. I think I'll also add a bit of Mary Sue here and make everyone love and respect me like I'm Jonathan from that one Episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Mainly because I am still sad some people didn’t like the last few chapters and I need cheering up." He paused, taking out a note pad and wrote ‘Note to Self: Scootaloo as Buffy chapter’.

Twilight was about to comfort the deranged man, but Spike chose that moment to walk into the kitchen and the baby dragon, upon seeing the human, let out a gasp. "You're defender2222! You are the one writing this fic! This is so cool, can I have your autograph?"

"See what I mean?" defender asked Twilight with a laugh, grabbing a quill and a scroll and quickly signing an autograph. "I can also make him squeal…want to see?”

"Maybe later," Twilight said, rolling her eyes at her assistant's antics. defender2222 quickly added a plot twist where Spike decided to leave them alone and turned back to the unicorn. "Ok, I'll admit that is handy...any way I could learn to do that?"

"Sure, but it would only work in stories you wrote, not in the real world. Believe me, if I had god-like powers in my reality, I would be worse than Discord."

"Did you just admit you'd be an evil bringer of chaos?"

"I actually think of you as chaotic neutral,” Derpy said.

Dinky looked at the audience. "Meta!"

"...can we get back to the point?"

"Right right, sorry...I am rewriting this chapter during my lunch and I let my mind wander. Now then, the question of 'why am I here'. That is rather simple too: I want to tell my own origin story about Scootaloo....because what use is there of being a self-inserted Marty Sue character if I can't have all the answers?"

"I guess none. And of course this has nothing to do with you having a gigantic ego and wanting to be part of a popular story, does it?"

defender2222 clapped. "Nicely done, Twilight. Very good burn."

"Thank you," Twilight said with a slight blush as Derpy and Dinky applauded.

"Now then, time to give the fans what they have been waiting for: The TRUE origin of Scootaloo!"

~Several Years Ago at My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic’s Studio~

“Great table read, guys!” Lauren Faust called out, waving to the actresses as they grabbed their coats. “I’ll see you at recording in a few days!” Securing her notebook and script (which was covered in scribbles and revision notes), Lauren made her way towards her office, only to pause when she saw Meghan McCarthy, the writer of the episode they had just gotten done reading, juggling several scripts, a cup of coffee and a laptop case. Taking pity on her, Lauren hurried over and snatched the coffee before it spilled all over the ground.

“Thanks,” Meghan said.

“No problem.” Lauren followed Meghan into her office.

“Listen, I wanted to talk to you about the episode.”

“Shoot,” Lauren said, taking a seat. 

"I really think the Cutie Mark Crusaders are going to be a big hit with the fans," Meghan said with a grin, reaching over and grabbing a stress ball off her desk and tossing it in the air.

"Wait a minute, I don't understand..."

"What is there to understand? These are the writers of your show, who created you and all of the new characters.”

“I think my brain is trying to claw its way out of my skull.”

“Yeah, that tends to happen when I tell stories.”

“My brain is always doing that!”

“…good for you, Derpy.”

"I want to go further with them, Lauren, really make them meaningful characters. I have some great ideas for episodes involving them and the main cast." Meghan thumbed through her notes. "Ok, so we've already done an Applebloom story, but Cindy and I came up with this great episode involving Sweetie Belle and Rarity fighting over their different views and Applejack helping them out."

Lauren nodded her head in agreement. "That sounds like a great idea! I don't know if we can get to it this season but we'll make sure it gets into season 2."

"Great!" Meghan said with a grin. "Now, I also have this idea for an episode involving Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo...I don't know if Hasbro will go for it, but I really think we should make them half sisters and they haven't really known each other, but now-"

"Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo aren't sisters," Lauren said simply. 

"Oh...well, I just assumed, since the other two were sisters..." Lauren merely shook her head and Meghan shrugged. "Alright, no big deal...I suppose I could modify that pitch...oh! I have the perfect idea! What if Scootaloo's parents are overprotective and don't want her hanging out with the Crusaders-"

"Scootaloo doesn't have parents."

Meghan was flabbergasted. "Wow...you want to go the orphan route? That's edgy!"

Lauren stood up and walked over to the window, hands clasped behind her back. "She isn't an orphan either, Meghan."

"Then...what is she?" the puzzled writer asked.

"Nothing. Scootaloo is nothing. She has no backstory...and she never will. She is merely a character designed to move the plot along."

Meghan went from flabbergasted to floored. "Lauren...you...you can't be serious! Those /4chan/ boards will explode if we do something like that! The fans have been naming every character and giving them a backstory...for God's sake they made that one brown pony the Doctor and have developed an entire backstory for Derpy that is more complex than anything we've come up with for Twilight Sparkle ("HEY!")! We...we have to give them some kind of backstory for Scootaloo...it would just be evil not too!"

“Evil?” Lauren slowly turned, a wicked gleam filling her eyes. "I know." She raised her hand to mouth, extending her pinkie and placing next to the corner of her lips. "Mwhahahaha.... Mwhahahahah!  MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhAHAHA!" She threw her head back and chortled in evil glee at the thought of driving her fans insane. "Now then...come Mini-Me!" 

A Lauren Faust that was 1/8th the size of the original hurried out from a closet, joining regular Lauren in laughing.

~MC~MC~MC~

"And that is how Equestria was made," defender2222 said. "God, I've waited a long time to say that!"

"..." Twilight stared at defender2222, her eyes swirling about like Pinkie's when she did her 'Evil Zecora' song.

defender2222 just smirked. “Well, I need to be off…you have a busy day ahead of you…wait till you hear Cheerilee’s theory on Scootaloo…the fans have been bugging me for it for so long…” He stood up, Dinky and Derpy joining him.

Twilight snapped out of her insanity. “Wait…why would I need to hear Cheerilee’s theory…you just told me Scootaloo’s origin.”

defender2222 sheepishly smiled. “Well, about that…what is real in MY universe is not what is real in your universe.”

“So…this was just a big waste of time?”

“You got breakfast out of it, what more do you want?” defender2222 complained as he made his way to the door.

“More muffins?” Derpy asked.

“More lines?” Dinky added.

“No wonder you don’t have a TVtropes page yet!” Twilight shouted. “And I hope people give you bad reviews!”

defender2222 began to sniff. “You might be smart, Twilight, but you aren’t good at sparing people’s feelings!” the writer began to cry, Derpy and Dinky comforting him.

“It’s ok…I’m sure you will get a page soon enough,” Derpy said soothingly, Dinky jumping onto his shoulder and patting him on the head as the three left the library. Twilight merely rolled her eyes, returning to her breakfast.

“That was mean, Twilight!” Pinkie said, jumping out of the fridge.

“Pinkie…what are you doing here?” Twilight shouted in shock.

“I got a twitchy twitch that somepony was breaking the 4th wall and I wanted to stop them!”

“…huh?” Twilight muttered.

“The fourth wall…somepony was breaking it! I hate it when ponies break the fourth wall.”

“Seriously?” Twilight questioned.

“Of course! It’s cheap and stupid and anypony that thinks otherwise should be ashamed!” Pinkie turned towards the audience. “You hear me?”



> Applejack
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was a beautiful day at Sweet Apple Acres. The sun was shining, there was a faint breeze in the air, and the cows had actually paid their rent for once (bovines being notorious for late checks). Granny Smith was in the kitchen, dreaming of a world without pears (the mortal enemy of the apple), Big Macintosh was plowing the field while thinking up a term for stallions that liked Smarty Pants Dolls, and Applejack was doing what she did best: bucking trees (not that way, ya perverts!).

The orange earth pony trotted up to the red delicious tree, giving it a good once over before selecting the right spot. "15% power," she muttered before turning around and giving it a light buck. The tree trembled slightly and a single apple fell down, which she snatched up and sampled. "I told Big Macintosh ya were ready! Ha! He should be listenin' to me more often!" Bracing herself, she readied her legs for a powerful buck.

"No!" 

"What in tarnation!?!" Applejack exclaimed, turning to give the tree a good hard look. Figuring she must have been hearing things, Applejack prepared to give the tree a good bucking (again, not like that, ya sickos!).

"Please don't!" 

Applejack slowly turned, staring at the tree in horror. "What...what did you say?"

"Please stop bucking, I'm trying to sleep.”

"Y-you talked!"

The tree let out a weary sigh. "Of course I did."

“I…can’t believe it!”

“Why can’t you believe it, Applejack?”

The earth pony began to back away, eyes wide with fear. “You know my name?”

“Are you losing it Applejack?” the tree complained. “Of course I know your name!”

"A talkin’ tree…oh Lord, the stories were true!” Applejack bowed her head in reverence, remembering the legends her Grandpa Sourapple use to tell her. “I’m sorry I’ve been buckin’ your kin, Lord Tree! I’ll do anything to make it up ta ya! I’ll be your faithful servant!”

"I'm not a tree, I'm Twilight."

"Twi...Twilight!?!?” Applejack sprung up, trotting about the tree. “Sweet Bessie May, did a spell go wonky on ya and turn ya into a tree? Fluttershy is gonna be so jealous…"

"AJ, up here." Applejack slowly glanced up and found Twilight laying amongst the leaves, her eyes closed. 

"Twilight, don't be doin' that to me! Had me thinkin' I was goin' nuttier than one of my cousin Applecake’s fruit cake!"

"Well, I am already nuttier than that, so welcome to the club," Twilight groused in annoyance, shutting her eyes. "Can you please buck this tree tomorrow? I'm trying to get some sleep."

"Now why would you be restin' in a tree?"

Twilight groaned. "I'm hiding."

“From who?”

“Myself, a crazy human, time lords, my maybe-mother-who-is-also-a-princess, and Lyra. And that is just naming a few.” 

Applejack’s brow furrowed. "...this wouldn't have anything to do with you blowin' your lid a few times over the last few days?"

Twilight hung her head in shame. "Yeah."

Applejack turned and gave the tree a gentle buck, sending her friend tumbling down. The earth pony managed to catch her and gently placed her at the base of the trunk before settling down next to her. "Now ya listen here, Twi...don't let ya gettin' all mad get ya down. I let my temper get the best of me plenty of times and mopin' don't do me no good. Best ya can do is just suck it up, apologize to those that need apologizin' too, shrug your shoulders when it comes to the ones that deserved the scoldin’ and get on with ya life."

Twilight looked up at the sky, watching the clouds drift by (and she was pretty sure one of the clouds looked like Scootaloo…) "I wish it was that simple."

"Can be if you let it."

‘Maybe Scootaloo is a cloud that…no, stop that!’ Twilight thought before addressing her friend. "You don't understand...I've spent so much time hearing about Scootaloo that now I need to know the answer...if only to prove that all those other theories are dead wrong."

"Shoot girl, is that all ya need? I can help ya out with that!"

"You...you can?"

"Darn tootin'! I know all about that little filly and I can tell ya the true story right now."

Twilight narrowed her eyes. "Are you going to claim Scootaloo is any of the following: a chicken, from the future, a superhero, or a human?"

"Nope, nah, no way, and don’t know what that is!"

"Then by all means, Applejack, tell your story."

"Alright, now I heard this one from a pony that heard it from another pony, so I might be gettin' my facts wrong...."

~MC~MC~MC~

"Well, apparently we aren’t Cutie Mark Pirates," Applebloom complained, pulling off her eye-patch. "All we managed to pillage was a few sandwiches and Fluttershy was gonna give them to us anyway." She kicked the little rowboat in annoyance, nearly sending Sweetie Belle, who had been getting out, into the water.

"Watch it!" Sweetie Belle cried out, gripping her pirate hat. "If I get my mane wet Rarity will throw a fit."

Scootaloo shook her head, a bandana wrapped around her head and a toy sword tucked under her wing. "We need to think bigger...there must be something we can do to get our cutie marks!" Her tail flicked in annoyance and her little wings buzzed as she thought. "What about Cutie Mark Lion Tamers!"

"Where are we gonna find a lion at this hour?" Applebloom asked as she tied up the rowboat.

"We could use a rabbit. They are like lions with long ears," Sweetie Belle offered, only for her friends to just stare at her. "What? It's a good idea!"

"...I think we should just-" Applebloom never finished, her jaw hanging and a hoof quivering as she pointed at Scootaloo's flank. "Look...how..."

Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo looked at the pegasus filly's flank, eyes wide at the sight of the brilliant sun cutie mark that adorned her orange skin. "You...you got your cutie mark!" Sweetie Belle exclaimed.

"I did?" Scootaloo said, eyes wide. She reached over and, with a flick of her hoof...peeled away the sticker that had become stuck to her. "Darn it!"

"Aw!"  The other two girls moaned.

Scootaloo shook her head. "Well, that was depressing." The girls talked for a few moments before each of them took their leave, going their separate ways. The moment Applebloom and Sweetie Belle were out of sight Scootaloo shook her head, using a bit of magic to make the sticker disappear. "That...was too close." She flexed her wings, which grew in size till they were perfect for flying, and with a quick gallop took to the air, heading towards Canterlot.

"Uh, AJ? Scootaloo can't fly and she can't use magic."

"Don't worry Twi, I'll address that in a moment."

Night had fallen on Canterlot, just as Scootaloo had planned. She had made sure to time her flight just right, so that none of the guards would see her come zooming in from Ponyville. Spotting the entrance she wanted, Scootaloo tucked her wings and gracefully landed on the balcony, looking about several times before tapping her foot against the glass.

"We are coming," a voice called out and Scootaloo took a step back as Princess Luna pushed the doors open and looked down at the little filly. "Truly, sister, why must thou play these games?"

"I assure you, sister, it is no game," Scootaloo said nobly, gliding into the room. Her voice held the wisdom of ages and it never failed to impress Luna that her sister could go from sounding so dignified to being so...foalish. 

"Could thou return to thy real form?" Luna asked.

Scootaloo smiled slightly, her body turning paler as she began to grow. Her mane grew nearly as long as she was and her legs stretched up and up, as her neck became swan-like.  From her forehead a great long horn slowly extended and her eyes changed color as she completed her transformation. "Does that please you, little sister?" 'Scootaloo' used her magic to retrieve her crown, necklace and shoes.

"That it does, Celestia."

"WHAT?!?!"

~MC~MC~MC~

Applejack cringed at the sheer volume of Twilight's exclamation. "Come on, Twi, ain't ya ever heard of not shootin' the messenger?"

"How...how can you think that Princess Celestia is Scootaloo?"

"Well, it make sense, don't it?"

"...no, it doesn't!"

Applejack chuckled. "I admit, didn't make a lick of sense to me when I first heard it. But once I began puttin' the pieces together, all of a sudden it was the only answer that made sense."  Applejack ran her hoof against the ground, making tally marks for all her points. "I don't remember Scootaloo appearing in Ponyville until after you showed up and we became the Bearers. The Princess isn't likely to let us go runnin' around without keepin' an eye on us. No one ain't ever seen Scootaloo and the Princesses together in the same place either."

"What about at Cadence and Shining Armor's wedding? Scootaloo was a flower girl."

Applejack already had an answer for that. "Ah, but I said Princesses. I wager Princess Luna stepped in and pretended to be Scootaloo, so no one would notice...never seen the three of them in the same place. Also, why do you think Cadence would let my and Rarity's sisters be her flower girls? She ain’t never met them, so why bring them in? Because Celestia asked her too! Princess wanted her friends to be part of the ceremony. Then there are them friendship reports you are always sendin'."

"What about my reports?"

"Ain't it odd a princess wantin' to know about friendship and what 6 young mares are a’doin’ all the time? Don't she got other concerns? Ya know…like runnin’ all of Equestria?"

Twilight hadn't thought about that. "Well, I assumed that she wanted to keep tabs on me..."

"Or maybe she wanted to have a reference guide on how to have friends because she was plannin' to make some herself." Applejack leaned back, a smug look on her face. "It’s what I would do if I were in her position. I'd go stir crazy in that castle, with all them snobby snobs. If I had the magic I would change myself into a little filly too and escape the boredom!"

Twilight sighed, unable to argue against that logic; she had spent a lot of time in court with the Princess during her education and she could attest that it could get really boring, really fast (in fact, Twilight was pretty sure the reason the Princess had brought her was to use Twilight as an excuse to end court early and go play in the garden). "Alright, Applejack, you make some good points...still don't believe a word of your story but still-"

"Well, I ain't done yet!" Applejack proclaimed.

~MC~MC~MC~

Celestia looked down upon the quivering forms of the family that had committed grievous crimes against the crown and kingdom. There was no mercy, nor pity, within her icy eyes as she looked upon the perpetrators.  The guards that stood over the wicked ponies trembled in their armor, thanking the moon and stars that they weren’t the ones facing the princess’ wrath.

The princess had found these vile ponies during her many trips to Ponyville in the guise of Scootaloo. She had witnessed their actions against her friends and refrained from bringing her might upon them because she had hoped they would learn to be better citizens and treat their neighbors and fellow ponies with kindness. Yes, it was true that she had engaged in some snipping and snapping with the earth ponies but she had always secretly hoped that the powerful family before her would decide to offer her their friendship.

But hours ago, the youngest of the family had DARED to insult Celestia’s friend, bringing the filly to tears. In that moment Celestia had revealed herself to the fiend and whisked her and her family to Canterlot for judgment.

"Filthy Rich...” Celestia said, spitting out the name like it was a vile curse, “because of the slanderous attacks your daughter, Diamond Tiara, has launched at Applebloom of the noble Apple Family, I sentence you to death!"

"What?!?!" Filthy exclaimed as he was lead to the executioner pony. “Please…please don’t!”

Celestia scoffed. “You didn’t do anything to help Applebloom (the best filly in the world and little sister to the hardworking yet humble Applejack) when your daughter called her a poopie head, so why should I help you now?” Celestia turned to the little filly that had started this, glaring at her. "And as for you, Diamond Tiara, for daring to insult the Apple family name, you will spend the rest of your days working the in acid mines!”

"Applejack...really?"

~MC~MC~MC~

Applejack looked at her friend, smiling sheepishly. "Should have figured you’d realize that last part was a fib.

"Yes…especially since I saw Diamond Tiara and her father on my walk over here.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “Besides, the acid mines have been closed for a decade. So…what was with that story, AJ? It was…kinda out of character for you.”

"Sorry Twi...I just so upset when I think about that little filly insultin' my sister. If I wasn’t a civilized pony I would have bucked that little filly into the Everfree by now." She leaned in close, whispering, "When Granny Smith found out about all the teasin’ Tiara was doin’, she began adding a special ingredient to Filthy Rich's personal supply of Zap Apple Jam."

"And that is?" Twilight asked.

Applejack merely smirked...before spitting on the ground.

".....ewwwwwwwwwwww!"

"Hey, don't no one mess with the Apple Family!" Applejack proclaimed. 

“I thought you were the element of honesty!”

Applejack shrugged. “We warn him each year that we put our blood, sweat and spit into every jar…ain’t my fault Filthy don’t listen.”

Twilight slowly stood up, her breakfast heaving and rolling in her stomach. "Well this has been disgusting. I think I will-"

Before she could finish they heard a whirring noise, then a grinding....and then a great big blue box appeared before them, slamming into the ground. The farmer and the librarian looked at each other before rushing to the contraption.

"Doctor? Doctor, are you ok?"

The doors to the TARDIS opened...revealing a gray pegasus stallion with a blonde mane and a lazy eye. On his head sat a unicorn colt with a similar manecut.

"Applejack?" the stallion said, confused. "Why do you look like a girl?"

"Because I am a girl!" Applejack complained. "Just cause I don't take to wearin’ frilly dresses and makeup and talkin' about colts and for the first 3 years of my life my family thought I was a colt don't make me a stallion!"

"Leave her alone Twisty," a feminine voice called out. A chestnut mare stepped out of the TARDIS.

"But look at them!" the little colt exclaimed. "Dusk and Applejack have turned into mares!"

"No, they haven't Tiny," The mare began to mutter to herself, pulling out a strange cylindrical device and using it to scan the area.

"Where did you get that?" Twilight said, recognizing Doctor Whooves' beloved sonic screwdriver.

"It's mine. And by that I mean it has always been mine, not that I stole it and it is now mine."

Twilight shook her head. "No...no, that belongs to The Doctor."

"The Doc-well, I guess I got the better end of the naming there. Anyway, no time to chat, we appear to be in the wrong place which means we are in the right place, so into the TARDIS everypony."

Applejack let out a yelp as the mysterious mare began to shove her towards the blue box. "Just who the heck do you think you are?"

"I am The Professor. This is husband/companion Twisty Tail and our son Tiny. We are from a universe like yours, only your genders are the opposite of ours. it is all rather confusing. involving arrows and crosses, but I'll be able to tell you all about it while we are saving the universe. Onwards and upwards!"

“…and yet this is not the weirdest thing to happen to me today,” Twilight muttered as the doors to the TARDIS shut.
> The Professor
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Exterminate! Exterminate!"

Twilight shot out a bolt of magic, sending the Dalek screaming across the bridge of the battlecruiser the ponies had invaded. Behind her, a great viewing window showed them a sight of the planet that only Princess Luna had ever seen. “Exterminate that!” Twilight said, flashing a smug smile. Apparently for all their advancements the Daleks were unable to handle magic, which made them quite easy to deal with.

They also couldn’t handle bucking, objects being thrown at them or a nice stiff breeze (incidentally, Stiff Breeze was Rainbow Dash’s stage name back when she was a dancer…it was a phase she grew out of).

Applejack chuckled as 5 Daleks fired their weapons at her, the energy bolts bouncing off her flank like raindrops (and in some cases not even that strongly). "Really Professor, ya thought these walkin' trash cans would be a problem?" Applejack rearing back and gave one a hard buck, turning it into a wreck of twisted metal and flailing jelly-like limbs.

"....run away!" the remaining Daleks squealed. "Run away!"

"Run away!"

"Run away!"

The Professor (who was a gender reversed Doctor Whooves from another dimension, just in case you hadn’t read the last chapter, snooch) frowned. "Well...apparently in my universe the Daleks got to be a bit more advanced..."

"What are you talking about, mama?" Tiny Hooves called out, happily riding on top of one of the fleeing Daleks. The colt grabbing the Dalek's eyestalk and pulled, the creature letting out a whine of misery as it snapped off like a twig, leaving it blind. "The daleks are always easy to beat!" Tiny giggled as the dalek he was riding began to spin about in circles. 

"I meant in my original original universe....before I was a pony."

"You weren't always a pony?" Applejack questioned. She was still trying to wrap her mind around the idea of there being a stallion that acted just like her...the idea that ponies weren’t always ponies left her wanting to run back into the TARDIS screaming (the fact that there was a blue box that had taken her into space …that didn’t even make her blink).

"Long story, don't worry about it." The Professor looked around the abandoned control room of the Dalek battlecruiser, scanning it with her screwdriver. "Rather easy all this, I do admit."

When Twilight gave her a confused look, Twisty decided to help her out. "The meanies we were fighting shielded their ship so The Professor couldn't enter in our world and the Doctor couldn't in yours...but they didn't plan on swapping universes!" Twisty blinked, a grin growing as he considered something. "Professor, what do you think gender reversed muffins taste like?"

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Like regular muffins, since muffins don't have genders," she muttered.

"Well, not the genders we know of," The Professor mumbled. Twilight opened her mouth to question that statement, only to snap her jaw shut and shrug it off. "I must admit, Twilight, you are more grounded then our Dusk. He is always getting so frantic about the smallest thing...I imagine he is currently panicking. Probably driving...ahem...The Doctor," The Professor managed to stifle her giggles at the thought of such a silly name, "utterly mad."

"Not that ya ain't already," Applejack stated.

Twilight merely shook her head, blowing a strand of hair from her eyes. "I'm just glad for the change of pace. Sure…fighting an alien invasion and saving Equestria from an intergalactic army is a bit different, but after spending the last two days hearing nothing but Scootaloo stories-"

"Scootaloo? Who's that?" Tiny asked, trotting over to them, his horn glowing as he dragged along the twisted remains of a Dalek shell.

"I think it is a type of fish," Twisty said.

The Professor put her screwdriver away and began working the controls of the ship. She had decided a nice trip into the sun would do the Daleks a world of good. "I believe she means that little orange pegasus."

"Rollalong?" Twisty asked. 

"Exactly!" The Professor paused, stopping her wiggling and jiggling of handles to look over at Twilight. “You know, Scootaloo is actually a bit of temporal trouble-”

“No…no, Celestia no! No! No!” Twilight began to scream in terror. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!” She darted away from the confused Professor, pulling open a door only to find it led to a broom closet…which contained a sobbing Dalek. “Move over, I’ll hide with you!” Twilight leapt inside, using her magic to shut and seal the closet door.

Applejack rolled her eyes, marching over to the now closed door. “Twilight…Twilight, get out of there!”

“NO!” Twilight screamed.

“No!” the Dalek echoed.

Applejack pounded on the door. “Twilight, come out of the closet!”

“NO!” Twilight screamed.

Twisty blinked in confusion. “Wait, Twilight's in the closet? So she’s a thespian? Does that mean Twilight’s dating her universe's version of Rainbow Blitz?”

“I don’t think ‘thespian’ is the word you are looking for,” The Professor told her husband.

“I am not dating Rainbow Dash and I am not in the closet!” Twilight screamed.

“Dalek not either!” the dalek called out.

“Right, no daleks or ponies in here! Just brooms!”

“We are brooms!” the dalek stated in agreement.

Applejack growled, bucking the door. “Twilight, come out of the closet right now!”

“I’m just standing here, Twilight Sparkle locked in the closet!” Tiny sang. “I don’t know why Twilight and a Dalek are locked in the closet…”

“No! We are never coming out, right Mr. Rollypolly?”

“Rollypolly agrees!”

The Professor rolled her eyes. “Dear Lordess they’re bonding.” She trotted over, knocking on the door. “Twilight, don’t you want to know the true origin of Scootaloo?”

“I already know what you will say!” Twilight shouted. “You will say she is a chicken, a giant chicken! Well, I don’t want to hear it! I’ll just stay in here with Rollypolly…isn’t that right baby?”

“Rollypolly agrees with Mama Sparkle!”

“This is just getting’ crazy!” Applejack complained.

“Well…crazy for us,” Twisty reminded her.

The Professor banged on the door. “Twilight, I assure you I am not going to tell you Scootaloo is a giant chicken. That timeline was destroyed months ago and we are in a new one…and this one really does have a pegasus filly named Scootaloo, and I know her origin.”

“…ok, you can tell your story,” Twilight said finally. “But I am staying in this closet!”

“We all figured that anyway,” The Professor said with a laugh. “Now then, Scootaloo’s story begins on my TARDIS….”

~MC~MC~MC~

The Professor looked at Twisty, shaking her head, a slight smile tugging on the corners of her lips. The gray pegasus stallion kept looking back and forth at two muffins, unsure which one he wanted to nibble on. Tiny had scampered off to go play in the pool, leaving the couple alone in the control room.

“Love, they are both the same…just pick one,” The Professor said.

“They aren’t the same,” Twisty told her, his lazy eye still staring down at the two muffins even as he addressed his wife. 

“Funny, because I am pretty sure they are both chocolate chip muffins that are the same size, shape, and texture. And-“ she hit a few controls on the TARDIS control panel, getting a read-out of the two muffins, “-they both have the same number of chocolate chips. So you might as well just eat one then the other.”

“It’s not that simple!” Twisty complained. “One of these muffins were given to me by Rainbow Blitz after I helped him out with clearing up that thunderstorm that managed to escape the weather factory. Blitz has never thanked me before…”

“Then eat that one,” The Professor said, turning back to the controls to make sure the wobbly leaver was still wobbling.

“But the other one was given to me by Elusive after I made that special trip to get him the gems he had ordered from Manehattan.”

“Then eat that one.”

“But I can’t!” Twisty exclaimed, throwing his hooves in the air. “Don’t you see, Professor? Each one of them gave me a muffin and the muffin represents our friendship! If I pick the wrong one I might hurt their feelings.”

“How will they even know?” The Professor asked dryly.

“Oh…they’ll know,” Twisty said. “And then their feelings will be hurt…hurt feelings are the quickest way to lose a friend.”

“FOREVER!” Two voices called out from opposite sides of the TARDIS.

The Professor and Twisty both leapt back, startled at the appearance of two pink ponies. Both of them had poofy hair, though one’s was short and cut in the style of a pompadour and the other’s was a big frizzy mane. Both had balloons on as their cutie mark and giant smiles on their faces. The only real difference was what was between their legs (and we don’t mean their tummies).

“Berry Bubble, what are you doing here?” Twisty asked in surprise.

“How are you even here?” The Professor exclaimed in shock. “We are traveling through time! It should be physically impossible for you to enter the TARDIS!”

Berry shrugged. “I don’t know, Professor…I just sensed something bad with my Berry Sense and knew I needed to warn them about losing a friend! So warped through reality and ended up here!” 

“Same for me!” the female pony said. “Did you go to the funny world where we are drawings?”

Berry nodded happily, bouncing over to the other grinning pony. “Of course!”

The Professor shook her head. “Berry, I think-“

“Take on me…take on me!” both of them began to sing. “Take me on! I’ll be gone…in a day or two!”

Twisty stared at his muffins before smashing them together and eating both at the same time, hoping that would make the crazy pink ponies go away.

It didn’t work.

The other pink pony gasped as she finally noticed she wasn’t alone in the TARDIS with Berry. “You look like ponies I know! You look like Derpy and you look like the Doctor and….” The pink mare’s eyes nearly popped out of her head as she finally got a good look at Berry, “you’re me! Well, not me me but a male me!”

“And you’re me too! Not a me me too but a girl me! Oh, we need to introduce ourselves! I’m Berry Bubble!”

“I’m Pinkie Pie! Hey, you know what we should do?”

Berry nodded his head rapidly. “We should throw a party! But not just any party-“

“-but a ‘You’re a gender-swapped me party’-“

“-and have cake and balloons-“

“-and wear hats and-“

The Professor and Twisty looked at each other. “I don’t think the universe is ready for this.”

“Wait, I thought this story was about Scootaloo.”

~MC~MC~MC~

“What did you say, Twilight? It is kinda hard to hear you in the closet…and over the sound of the dalek sobbing,” The Professor said.

“Rollypolly not crying!” the dalek said, before breaking down once more with the sniffles. “Rollypolly…have something in eyestalk!”

“Shhhhh, it’s ok, I won’t let them hurt you,” Twilight murmured.

“Twi…stop treating the dalek like your baby and tell us why you interrupted the story,” Applejack said, rolling her eyes.

"I am interrupting because I am tired of everypony telling me they are going to tell me about Scootaloo and then they go off on some story that barely has anything to do with Scootaloo!" They could hear Twilight banging her head against the door. “These stories are suppose to be about Scootaloo, not strange events that barely connect to her!”

"Twilight, I assure you-"

"No, don't give me that!" Twilight snapped. "This isn't a story about Scootaloo! This is a story about Pinkie Pie ending up on your TARDIS...and the fact that none of those facts are making me question my sanity just proves how crazy all of this is."

"Twi..."

"And I am not coming out of the closet!" Twilight screamed.

"Which means you can't run away as I finish my story," The Professor said.

"...clever girl."

~MC~MC~MC~

"Why do we have to stay in here?" Pinkie complained as the Professor shoved her and Berry Bubble into a storage closet.

"Because you two being here is going to cause a temporal anomaly that will destroy all of existence. We need to figure out how to get you both back to your own universes without rupturing the fabric of time."

Berry wasn't happy. He had been hoping to throw a party with Pinkie but there was only so much any of them could do when they were trapped in a closet (how were they suppose to fit the tables in there?!).  "That doesn't explain why we have to stay in the broom closet!" 

"Because it is nice and safe and free of Scootaloo stories?"

"Rollypolly agrees!"

The Professor sighed. "It is bad enough you two are here, together. The meeting of two beings that are basically the same pony only with their genders swapped is quite dangerous. It would be even worse if you were allowed free reign in my TARDIS. You might bump a lever or press the 'Kill us all' button."

"And that would..." Pinkie gulped, "kill us?'

"No, it would turn on the stereo. I got a Nickelback CD stuck in there and I am tired of hearing the song Photograph." The Professor shuddered in horror at the thought of listening to American Music. "No, I am afraid you two must stay here until I figure something out. Now, stop being babies and go into the dark and spooky closet." She slammed the door and, using her screwdriver, made sure to seal it up tight.

Twisty looked at the closet, utterly confused. "Why do we even have a storage closet when the TARDIS can automatically clean itself."

"So we have a place to shove ponies that threaten all of time, of course!"

"...make's sense to me!"

"Still waiting for Scootaloo to show up..."

Luckily for the two party planners, The Professor had been able to figure out a solution with an hour and she, along with Twisty Tail, had rushed back to the closet to let the two pink ponies know the good news. "I must admit I am rather ashamed that I did not consider it sooner. By simply viewing their timelines it is clear that enough differences have already occurred to make them just dissimilar enough to prevent a temporal rift."

"But how does that get them home?" Twisty asked.

"Ah, well Berry was going to be easy enough, as all we needed to do was return home ourselves. As for Miss Pie, I am having the TARDIS create a chrono-shuttle that will be able to pierce the walls of the other dimension and let her return to her own world without accidently affecting another dimension in the process."  The Professor threw the storage closet door open, beaming as she spoke. "Alright, so all we-OH BY PRINCE SOLARIS WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

Pinkie and Berry looked up at the Professor; they were on the floor in a VERY compromising position.

"I decided to throw a party..." Berry said sheepishly.

Pinkie looked up at them with half-lidded eyes, a dopey grin on her face. "Hiiiiiiii Pro...Pro...Professa!" She giggled, laying back against Berry's chest. "Can I keeps him?"

"You...mean Pinkie Pie slept with-"

~MC~MC~MC~

"-her gender-swapped self?" The Professor asked. "Yes." She turned and saw Applejack looking a little green around the gills (which was weird, since she didn't have gills). "I don't know why you are so shocked...it happens more than you think. Granted, most times it involves a pony traveling back in time to have sex with themselves, but that is only because they want the youth-giving chronal spores that can only be created by such an event."

"Chrono...what now?"

"Chronal Spores. When an older pony goes back in time and has sex with themselves, the union produces Chronal Spores that help fight the aging process and actually render the person immortal for a short time (Author's Note: THE SUPER ADVENTURE CLUB ACTUALLY BELIEVES THIS). If one does it enough, they then can achieve immortality for...well, forever. It becomes a cycle of-"

"Twi, let me in! I want to hide in the closet too!" The door quickly shot open and Applejack joined Twilight in hugging Rollypolly. 

"I knew it!" Twisty exclaimed. "I knew all of them were thespians!"

"...well then, back to the story."

~MC~MC~MC~

"You...you actually..." The Professor was ready to rip her mane out. "You slept with each other?!?"

"Well, there wasn't much sleeping involved!" Pinkie said happily.

Twisty cocked his head. "How does that-"

"Don't think about it!" The Professor warned. "The last being to do that went crazy and changed his name to Discord." Before The Professor could continue a chime went off over her head. She rushed over to a display and felt herself grow lightheaded. "Oh no..."

"What?" Berry asked.

"She's pregnant."

"Who's pregnant?"

"You."

Pinkie blinked. "U's pregnent?"

The Professor shook her head. "No, you are pregnant."

"UR's pregnant?"

"Not me, you are."

"That's what I said!" Pinkie exclaimed.

"Third base!" Twisty exclaimed.

"Ironically, going past third base caused this problem!" The Professor practically screamed. "This is bad, this is very-"

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

Everyone turned to stare at the TARDIS' door.

"I think it is for you," Berry stage-whispered.

The Professor trotted up to the door, wondering how somepony could be knocking when they were traveling through the timestream. Her question was answered when two blue ponies entered the TARDIS from their own time sphere. One was all blue with some black highlights and a brown mane; a pair of yellow goggles were over his eyes and he had a beetle cutie mark. The other had splashes of gold on his body, including his mane. He wore yellow tinted visor and his cutie mark was a blue star.

"Thank Celestia we caught up with you before you did something stupid!" The golden stallion exclaimed. "Do you know how hard it is to catch a time ship that is not only going through the stream but is also from another universe?"

"...who the bloody hell are you?" The Professor asked, tired of ponies breaking into her TARDIS.

The golden pony flashed a grin. "I am Booster Gold, and this is my hetero-lifemate, Blue Beetle."

"Stop saying that!" Beetle complained.

"...what the bloody hell are you doing on my TARDIS?"

Booster flashed another 1000 watt smile. "We are here to prevent you from making a grave mistake."

"And that is?"

"Stopping the birth of the great time masters Scootaloo and Rollalong."

"Nope, sorry, we already did a time traveling story."

~MC~MC~MC~

Twilight poked her head out of the closet, glaring at the Professor. "Derpy already told a story where Scootaloo is a time traveler. And hers had a song and everything! So I am afraid you must stop telling your story and send us home, right now."

"Did it have pirates?" Tiny asked.

"Ninjas."

"...pirates are cooler," the little colt stated.

~Several Interdimensional Jumps Later...~

"Spike, I'm back!" Twilight called out.

The baby dragon ran up to her, giving her a hug. "Thank Celestia, I was so worried when-AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"

"Spike!" Twilight snapped, glaring at him. "Don't yell at your new baby brother!"

"Rollypolly is going to glomp big brother Spike dragon!" 

Spike began to back away from the Dalek. "No, that's ok...no, stop! Twilight!"

"Play nice!" Twilight called out, heading into the kitchen to see if defender2222 had left her some leftovers.

"GLOMPINATE! GLOMPINATE!"

“TWILIGHT!!!!!”
> Cheerilee
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Thanks for coming with me, Spike," Twilight said to the baby dragon that sat on her back. After a quick lunch and giving Rollypolly a good polish to ensure his shell stayed nice and shiny, Twilight and Spike had hit the trail and begun to loop around Ponyville. "I have to be honest, I never thought you'd want to go help me question ponies about Scootaloo after... well... Fluttershy." 

The purple dragon shuddered. "Please don't mention that name... I was two seconds away from jumping out a window after seeing the clop-mess."

"Well, I'm glad you didn't do something so rash. So what made you decide to come with me?"

Spike leaned back, looking at the clouds. "My new 'baby brother'."

Twilight giggled.

The little dragon huffed, folding his arms across his chest. "So, I thought you had sworn off trying to find out about Scootaloo."

"I swore off letting ponies who have no clue about her tell me stories. I still want to know the truth, and I realized that if I am ever going to get the real story, I need to attack this problem." Under her breath, she muttered, “And I need to find ponies that are actually sane, unlike our rulers.”

"So are we going to do the smart thing and teleport to Manehattan and find out from Scootaloo herself?"

"That's the funny thing," Twilight said, face screwed up in confusion. "I tried to do a location spell so I could pinpoint her...but according to the spell she isn't even in Equestria."

"Then...where is she?" Spike asked.

~Meanwhile, in the Human Dimension~

"What the hell?" defender2222 shouted, staring at his utterly destroyed apartment. He had just returned from screwing with Twilight (WITH, YOU PERVERTS! SCREWING WITH!), only to find most of his DVDs on the floor, all his pillows and blankets used to make a fort, his Transformers sprawled all over and five bags of popcorn shoved in his microwave. "How the heck did you three even get here?!" he shouted at the perpetrators.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders smiled sheepishly, no longer bouncing on his couch. "We saw this glowing portal and decided to go into it and ended up here!" Applebloom said.

Sweetie Belle looked around, utterly excited. "Maybe our cutie marks will be for interdimensional travel!"

The human held his head in his hands. "How the hell did I end up in 'My Little Dashie'?"

"Rainbow Dash is here?!?!" Scootaloo screamed in glee. "Where?" She began to tear the couch apart, looking for her. "Rainbow Dash!"

“I want to try that swirly thing again!” Applebloom exclaimed, rushing into the bathroom.

defender2222 stared at Sweetie Belle, who looked up at him and smiled. “You wanna play with your toy robots?”

“…only if I can be Bumblebee.” The human pointed at the pony. "But if anyone asks, you're a dog!"

"Ruff!"

~MC~MC~MC~

"Ok...so Scotaloo is out of the question...what then?"

Twilight smiled. "We are going to ask the one pony Scootaloo spends the most time with!"

"...her handler?"

"Scootaloo is not a spy," Twilight snapped. "No...Cheerilee, Scootaloo's teacher. She must have all sorts of private documents and government files on Scootaloo. We get a look at those and we will be in like Flint."

"Who?'

"You know, Flint Lock...the local locksmith/chimney builder."

"...ooookkkaayyy." Spike's brow furrowed as he considering a flaw in Twilight's plan. "Do you really think Cheerilee will give up private files?"

"No...but I have a cunning plan."

Spike suddenly wished he had stayed at the library with Rollypolly. "And...what is that?"

Twilight smiled darkly, a crazed look in her eyes. "Oh...we're just going to sit her down, have a cup of tea...and ask for the files." The unicorn began to laugh and Spike swore he heard thunder overhead.

~30 minutes later...~

"Cheerilee, can we please see Scootaloo's private files?" Twilight asked pleasantly, pouring the teacher a cup of tea.

"Well, of course," Cheerilee said with a smile. "Releasing private files to a mare that is not related to any of my students is the least I can do for a casual acquaintance that I don't think I've ever had a one on one conversation with!" Taking a sip of tea, Cheerilee made her way over to her file cabinets, searching for Scootaloo's file.

Spike stared at his best friend. "If you were really going to ask her nicely for the files then why did you laugh like an evil witch?"

"What are you talking about? That is how I always laugh when I invite ponies to have tea."

"...yeah, Nightmare Moon is SO your mother."

Cheerilee returned, happily giving Twilight the file. The unicorn was beaming...until she saw that all the papers were blank. "Uh...I think you gave me the wrong folder..."

"I assure you I didn't," Cheerilee stated, nibbling on a biscotti. 

"Then why are the pages blank?"

"Well, no one would believe Scootaloo's real reason for being in Ponyville, so I just stuffed blank pages in the file."

"Her...real reason?" Twilight whimpered, suddenly having a vision of her and Spike on a strange planet, wearing unitards while Rollypolly thrashed about, calling out "Danger, Danger Twilight Sparkle!"

"Yes...you see...Scootaloo isn't from this time."

"Of course she isn't," Twilight grumbled, settling in for yet ANOTHER time travel story.

~15 years in the future...~

Equestria as all knew it was long gone.

In its place was a barren wasteland, pitted and shredded by the savage fury of war. It was not the pegasi or the unicorns or the earth ponies that fought. It wasn't even the griffons or the capricorns or Discord himself. No...the threat the world faced now was from a new race, born because of the hubris of ponykind: Robots.

In the beginning robots had started off small. Equestria had begun to build them to help with minor tasks, like building wagons or grabbing stuffed animals from a glass box at the cost of a dollar. But the robots wanted more and soon rebelled (apparently no pony had heard of Asimov’s 3 Rules of Robotics or seen that Will Smith movie). At first the ponies had believed they could easily fight their enemies...but soon it became apparent that the war that Celestia had proclaimed would only last a few days (she'd made such a decree in Cloudsdale in front of a banner that read MISSION ACCOMPLISHED) would not be won so easily.

Many lives had been lost and the innocence of ponies had been forever torn to shreds. Fillies and colts learned to wield weapons before they could even walk (baby pictures commonly featured a foal's first cannon) and were shoved out onto the front line to win or die.

"Wait...if this takes place in the future...how do you know about it?"

"Reasonable guesses based on evidence I have gathered."

"..." 

But the last members of the resistance movement had come up with a daring plan: They would send back in time one filly, their best and fiercest warrior, and one of the terminating robots ("Terminating Robots? Really?"), that had been reprogrammed to fight on their side. They would kill the inventor of the robots’ command program (known as Skynet which stood for Shooting, Killing You, Now Eat Turnips…apparently the designer came up with the acronym first…) and prevent the war from happening…

~Ponyville, 3 years earlier~

A flash of light flared up from behind Sugarcube Corner as the two figures appeared, kneeling down as the effects of the  transportation ended. 

"Shouldn't they be warped right back after a few moments? And how do you even know about the time travel spell?"

"There is a time travel spell? I assumed they used science!"

“…uh…no…there is no time travel spell and I have obviously never used one…heeheehee…”

"We've arrived," the orange pegasus filly told her robotic companion, looking about the alley. “We’re in the past.”

"SWEETIE BOT AGREES WITH COMMANDER SCOOTALOO!" the terminating robot (in the guise of a white unicorn filly) stated.

“Hey, she's like Rollypolly if he’d gone through puberty!”

"Come on, we need to find the creator and eliminate her as soon as possible!" Scootaloo said, marching into Sugarcube Corner. All the patrons paused, staring at the two little fillies, before turning back to their idle conversation. For Scootaloo, the sight was unnerving; she had been born on the battlefield, been raised with a gun in her hoof and the smell of death forever around her. To see ponies sitting around, calmly eating…it was as strange as unicorn being allowed to raise the only baby dragon in all of Equestria by herself (“HEY!”) "Now then, we need to be on alert. According to historical records the creator of Skynet was a very smart pony. They could be anypony...so we must be on guard."

"So what are you calling your new invention?" Silver Spoon asked her friend as they entered the bakery.

"I am thinking I'll call it Skynet!" Diamond Tiara said with a laugh. “It’s going to be the next best thing since Boxy the Box!”

"...well, that was easier than I thought."

"I want to make sure I have this straight..."

~MC~MC~MC~

Twilight began to tick the points off. "You think one of your students is a robot, the other is a freedom fighter from the future, and the final one is the creator of a new race that slaughters most of ponykind. And they are all fillies.”

Cheerilee took a moment to consider all this before she shook her head. “Well, Sweetie Belle could be really old…she just looks like a filly. Otherwise you got it all correct.”

Spike grinned. "Ok, I take back my super spy theory...this one is so much better!"

Twilight gave her number 1 assistant a dirty look before continuing. "But it doesn't make any sense! If Scootaloo was planning on killing Diamond Tiara...why is she still alive?”

"Ah, well you see, Scootaloo had to wait for just the right moment to do it. Time is normally solid and near impossible to change. It is only when time becomes soft that one can mold it and shape it, forcing time down a new path."  When Twilight and Spike looked dumbly at the teacher, she merely shrugged. "Dinky did this whole report-"

"Say no more," Twilight said, looking around as if she expected the little unicorn (who was SO not smarter than her, despite what others might think) to appear. "So...anything else we should know?"

"Of course!" Cheerilee said with a laugh. "Lots, lots more."

~One Year Earlier~

Scootaloo and Sweetie Bot had done well to integrate themselves into the timeline. Scootaloo had managed to convince Bon Bon and Lyra she was their daughter ("Probably told Lyra she was originally a human...") and Sweetie Bot was able to set herself up at Rarity's sister by claiming that her parents had merely forgotten to pick her up from school for the last few years (they were stupid like that).  All that time they had watched Diamond Tiara, waiting for the right moment to strike and kill the little witch.

"Holy crap, you're her teacher!"

"Just because I am her teacher doesn't mean I have to like her! I'm sure Princess Celestia hates you plenty at times!"

"She does not!"

~Meanwhile, in Canterlot...~

"Sister, what are you doing?" Luna asked, watching as the sun goddess scribbled some notes on a scroll.

"I am conceiving the perfect structure for an epic that I wish to tell my faithful student in the spirit of jest."

"...you're planning on trolling Twilight, aren't you?"

Celestia stomped her hoof. "You and Cadence and Tydal got to! I want to have fun messing with her head too!” Celestia tapped her chin. “Now then…should I call the competition Scootaloo competes in the Famine Games or the Hunger Games?”

~Meanwhile, back at the plot...~

Finally, the day had arrived. All of Sweetie Bot's sensors had gone off in the middle of the night, proclaiming that this day would be the perfect one to end the threat of Skynet (the sound of said sensors going off had forced Sweetie to claim she had bad gas).

That is how Scootaloo and Sweetie Bot found themselves waiting outside of Diamond Tiara's house with sling shots loaded with bags of angry bees (because guns had yet to be invented…lousy hippies).  The moment they saw the rich little snob, they would attack and save all of Equestria.

"STOP!'

Sweetie Bot and Scootaloo stared at the new arrival; she was a yellow earth pony with a big red bow in her hair. She hurried towards them, grabbing their hooves and stopping their attack just as Diamond left her house, happily skipping as she sang a song about how great she was (“Please…don’t sing it.”)

"SWEETIE BOT DEMANDS ANSWER TO QUESTION OF WHY ATTACK ON ENEMY WAS HALTED!"

"You can't kill Diamond Tiara!" the yellow filly stated firmly. "You have no idea the danger-"

"We know the danger!" Scootaloo shouted in frustration. "We come from a timeline where Diamond Tiara created the terminating robots which wiped out Equestria! She must die!"

“YES! IF DIAMOND TIARA IS DEAD SHE CAN NOT CREATE SKYNET AND TERMINATING ROBOTS LIKE SWEETIE BOT WILL NEVER BE MADE-WAIT A MINUTE…”	

"And I come from the timeline you create!" the filly told them. "My name is Bloomus Prime. Because of your actions, Diamond Tiara's father Filthy Rich took over the Skynet project and changed it to create robots that resembled his daughter, which he dubbed Tiaracons.”

“SWEETIE BOT IS DEMANDING TO KNOW IF YOU WERE GOING TO KILL SWEETIE BOT VIA PARADOX!”

“From their ranks rose Megarich,” Bloomus Prime said, as if she had never been interrupted, “an evil warlord who sought to enslave all of Equestria’s ponies and use them as slaves to mine Equestria's Harmony reserves. Luckily for ponykind, the great inventor Big Macintosh created me and my kind: the Applebots.”

“YOU WERE! YOU BITCH; I LOVED YOU LIKE A SISTER!”

“We wage our battle to stop the evil forces of the Tiaracons and now I have come back in time to help you prevent both Skynet and the Tiaracons from ever being created!” Bloomus Prime declared. Her body trembled and she transformed into a little red wagon. "Applebots, transform and roll out!"

"This…makes complete sense!"

~MC~MC~MC~

"Thank you Twilight!" Cheerilee said happily. "I'm glad you believe me...most ponies just look at me like I am crazy when I tell them the truth about Scootaloo and her friends."

"We would never think you were mentally deranged!" Twilight said quickly. "And we would never lie and say your story was really good so we could escape before you killed us!"

"Good, because I would kill you if you didn't think that!"

"I know!"

Both of them laughed.

"So...me and Spike need to be fleeing now..." Before Cheerilee could say a word Twilight had grabbed the baby dragon and was running out of the door as fast as she could.

"...she must still be upset that Rainbow Dash found out about her sleeping with Fluttershy."

> Snips and Snails
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Well...that could have gone better," Spike said as Twilight and he made their way through Trotter Memorial Park (Named after Lord Trotter Memorial, who donated the funds to build the park; after he died, Ponyville named their post office after him, making the Trotter Memorial Memorial Post Office one of the most confusing structures in all of Equestria).  "I'm beginning to wonder if there isn't some kind of conspiracy to keep you from learning the truth about Scootaloo." 

"Spike, please," Twilight said, rolling her eyes. "There is no conspiracy."

"...that’s just what-"

"Spike, I will take away all your gemstones if you finish that sentence." Twilight perked up when she noticed an ice cream cart a few yards away. "Listening to all this insanity and fleeing for my life is making me hungry...why don't I get us some ice cream? My treat."

"Can I have a sundae with crushed emeralds and cherry syrup on top?"

"Sure...what's your second choice if they don't have emeralds?"

"Oh, they'll have emeralds!" Spike said with confidence, puffing out his chest.

Twilight smiled at her friend's bold proclamation. "Alright...see if you can find us a bench to sit on; I'll handle the ice cream."

Spike gave the unicorn a salute, scurrying off to find a place to sit while Twilight went to procure their treats. Luckily for the dragon the park wasn't overly crowded (as many ponies were actually working for their bits instead of having the government give them stipends…) and he was able to find an empty bench near the playground. 

"Hello Mr. Spike!" Snails called out, trotting over to the baby dragon. His best friend Snips was close behind, wearing a similar dopey grin on his face. "How are ya?"

"I'm good, guys," Spike said settling down on the bench. He didn't interact much with the colts and fillies in Ponyville (while he was a baby dragon he was mentally only a few years younger than Twilight, which made hanging out with kids a bit creepy).  "What are you two up too?"

"Just having fun!" Snips said in glee. "Miss Cheerilee called off school today because of 'robot attacks'. Said we needed to go home and prepare for the apoca-something.” 

"I bet," Spike snarked.

"We heard you and the Amazing Twilight were asking about Scootaloo!" Snips scrambled up to join Spike on the bench, Snails clamoring up between the two of them. 

"Yeah, but it hasn't been going well. Twilight doesn't like any of the answers she's gotten. Something about them not being ‘realistic in the slightest’. Personally I think my theory was the best one…"

"Should we tell him?" Snails stage whispered.

"Tell me what?" Spike asked. The two young colts shifted and Spike rolled his eyes. "Guys, you wouldn't have brought it up if you didn't want to tell me. Spill."

"Yeah...but we just don't want you to get mad!" Snips exclaimed.

"I promise I won't."

"Pinkie Promise?" Snails asked.

"Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye," Spike recited, performing the motions perfectly (and remembering to close his eye).

Snips and Snails glanced at each other and silently decided that the sacred Pinkie Promise (as laid down by Lord Pinkie Swear the 5th in the year 579) was enough to allow them to believe him. 

"Amazing Twilight already knows all about Scootaloo...the reason she is doing all of this is because she wants to throw everypony off the real scent."

"What are you talking about?" Spike asked. He didn't like the way this conversation was going but he remembered the promise and kept his cool. "Why would she not want everypony to know about Scootaloo?"

"Because of Scootaloo's secret mission!" Snips exclaimed happily.

"Yeah," Snails stated.

Spike glanced at them, face screwed up in confusion. "What mission?"

Snips cleared his throat before intoning, "Once in every generation, there is born a filly who is destined to fight the vampires...she is the slayer."

~MC~MC~MC~

"What's the what, Sparkles?" Scootaloo said as she happily bounced into the library and made her way over to the couch. Now that night had fallen, she was able to wear her favorite jacket without getting any strange looks (but of course that is what you got when you lived in a country full of nudists). Of course, the main reason ponies stared at her when she wore the red jacket was that there were stakes tucked all over it.

"Really, Scootaloo, I must protest," Twilight complained, never looking up from the ancient scroll she was examining. "I am your watcher and a bit of respect would be nice."

"Aw, but come on Sparkles, that is what makes you and me click so good. Besides, Scootaloo and respect are unmixy."

"Why are they talking like that?"

"What do you mean?"

"Twilight sounds like she is from Trottingham and Scootaloo is talking like a valley girl. They don’t talk like that!”

"That you know of! It would be the perfect cover-"

"Ok ok...geez, that is really annoying when you are on the other side."

"Quite. Are you ready to begin?" Twilight asked, gathering up her books.

"Have to wait for the rest of the gang to arrive," Scootaloo said, idly playing with a stake.

Before Twilight could complain, the rest of the Crusaders burst through the door. "Sorry about that S-Gal, Sweetie Belle here was busy helping Miss Cheerilee clean the blackboard."

"Applebloom, how many times must I tell you not to call me that dreadful name?" Twilight snapped, using her magic to pull off the glasses that were perched on her nose and polish them with a cleaning rag. "Now then, I have been investigating the recent rise in vampire activity and I believe it can be linked to the arrival of a new threat."

"Are you sure?" Sweetie Belle asked politely. "M-maybe it is signaling something happy! Like a party or a new mall opening."

"Vampires normally don't equal happy, Sweets," Scootaloo said.

"Depends on the type of happy you want," Applebloom said, waggling her eyebrows.

"Ewwww!" Sweetie Belle exclaimed. "I do not want to think about that!"

Twilight nodded. "Indeed. Now then, all signs point to our new adversary being Drago the Bloody. He, along with a paramour Flutters the Mad-"

"Listen, this is real interesting...but when does the fighting begin?"

~MC~MC~MC~

"What's the matter with how I tell the story?" Snips asked, giving Spike a glare.

Snails nodded his head. "Yeah! I like it!"

"Well...it’s all witty banter and no action. I mean, sure, the quips are funny but I want to get the plot moving along!"

Snips shook his head. "But the jokes add color."

"You know what also adds color?" Spike asked, the two colts staring at him as if he were about to impart the greatest knowledge in the universe. "Blood and guts and actual fighting!"

"Aw...ok, ok, I'll get moving..."

~MC~MC~MC~

Scootaloo twirled her stake with her wings, bouncing it back and forth as she watched the vampire slowly rise from his grave. She wrinkled her nose when she saw the suit the vampire was wearing. "Seriously, your parents buried you in that? Maybe I should let you drain them."  The vampire hissed and Scootaloo flicked her right wing, sending a stake sailing right into the vampire's heart, reducing him to dust. "Or not," she said with a laugh, moving on to the next grave.

So far she had managed to stake 5 vampires. That would normally be a good night, but all the vampires had been fledges. Scootaloo was looking for a master vampire, one that could go one on one with a slayer. There weren't too many masters in Ponyville...not after Scootaloo had staked Nightmare Moon and sent her and her horde of vampire pegasi to the great dust pan in the sky.

"Twilight and her friends defeated Nightmare Moon, not Scootaloo!"

"Twilight told you that to hide Scootaloo from you."

"Why would she-"

Scootaloo turned, feeling tingles run down the back of her neck. Snapping her head forward, she readied her stake only to stop when she saw who stepped out of the shadows.

"Angel..." she murmured, love tinting every syllable. 

Angel Bunny looked at her, his expression a mix of mystery and constipation. His hair was filled with so much gel product that he could have greased a skillet the size of Manehattan. 

"I suddenly have the urge to hear stories about Angel Bunny that don't feature Scootaloo at all."

"Yeah, everypony says that when we tell them this story."

"What is it, Angel?" Scootaloo asked, taking a step closer.

The bunny gave her a cool look.

"I know you feel that way, Angel, but it would never work out between us. I wish it could but we are starcrossed lovers. You are a vampire and I am the slayer...we are destined to fight."
 
"Plus they are different species and she is a filly."

"Uh...aren't you trying to date pretty Miss Rarity?"

"...I withdraw my objection."

Before Angel could say a word they heard clapping ring out through the darkness. Scootaloo and Angel turned, prepared for a fight...as a small vampire in a long leather coat emerged from the shadows.

"Oi...now that is a load of garbage if I ever heard it," the new vampire snarked.

"Our love life is none of your concern!" Scootaloo snapped, readying a stake.

The vampire laughed, letting out a long plume of smoke as he did so. "Ain't talkin' 'bout that. Talkin' 'bout anyone lovin' peaches over there. Look at the git with his poofy hair...disgrace to all vampires." He paused, holding out his arms nice and wide. “And if you want to stake me, just try it! Course, might have 30 minutes aimin’ crossbows are ya. I’d risk it but that’s just me, pet.”

Angel's nose twitched.

"Awe, no need to get mad, gramps! I'm just havin' some fun!" The vampire took a step closer, flashing Scootaloo a dark smile full of fangs. “Why don’t I introduce myself.” The vampire bowed. “Drago the Bloody…but ya can call me Spike.”

“WHAT?!?!”

~MC~MC~MC~

Spike stared at the two boys. “You think I’m a vampire?”

“Well…yeah,” Snails said simply. “Please don’t eat us, by the way.”

“How…how can you think I’m a vampire?!” Spike exclaimed. “I am sitting out in the sunlight! Shouldn’t I go poof?”

Bon Bon, who was happily trotting by, took a moment to call out, “Vampires sparkle in the sunlight!”

“NO THEY DON’T!” screamed every stallion and colt with a 3 block radius.

Once they were all done screaming about sparkly vampires, Snips and Snails continued to explain just how Spike could be a vampire without realizing it.

“You are a werevampire.”

“…a what now?” Spike complained.

“A werevampire. During the day, you are normal Spike. But during the night, you turn into a vampire.”

“Yeah,” Snails added.

“…a vampire who happens to sound like he is from the slums of Trottingham?” Spike asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Uh-huh!” Snails said, bobbing his head.

“…now I understand why Twilight likes banging her head against tables,” Spike muttered.

“Tables…where are the tables?” Twilight said nervously, looking about as if she expected it to jump out and attack her poor head (which was FINALLY beginning to heal).

Spike waved her off, trying to snatch the ice cream that was encased in purple magic. “Don’t worry about it.” 

Twilight shrugged. “Well, I got us our ice cream…would have been back sooner but apparently even the ice cream vendor had a story about Scootaloo! I don’t know what a ‘Code Lyoko' is...” 

“Yeah, that’s great, ice cream time!” Grabbing his treat Spike shoved his head down and began to inhale the dessert like he was a pig going to town on a trough of slops. 

“Geez, Spike!” Twilight complained, licking her vanilla ice cream cone (in a sugar cone…and no sprinkles…it was an ice cream cone, not a whore).  “It’s bad enough when you eat ice cream like that around me, but we are in public!” She glanced at Snips and Snails and sighed. “Sorry about that…sometimes I swear he is more demon than dragon.”

“Hey!” Spike said, pulling his head up from his treat, cherry syrup dripping from his lips.

“HE IS A VAMPIRE!” the colts screamed. “RUN!”

Twilight blinked, watching as the two darted away. “…ok, what the hay.”

“I said don’t bloody worry about it,” Spike grunted, going back to his dessert. “Wankers.”

> Rarity
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I just don’t understand how you managed to get yourself so…so…sticky!”

Twilight was seated in Rarity’s boutique, the fashionista darting about as she did all she could to repair Twilight’s ‘utterly, utterly ruined’ mane. The lavender unicorn had shown up on Rarity’s doorstep with the front locks of her mane sticking straight up and curling back as a result of her failed attempt to undo the damage.  Rarity had taken one look, screamed nearly as loud as she had when she discovered the terrible secret of the Rainbow Factory (‘They… force… ponies… to… wear… hairnets!’) then yanked the two inside, demanding to be allowed to fix the disaster. 

Twilight looked over at Spike, her eyes narrowed as Rarity fussed over her mane. “It might have something to do with a certain formerly-number-one-assistant throwing his bowl of ice cream on top of my head.”

“Spikey-wikey, how could you?!” Rarity whined as she tilted Twilight’s hair back and began to wash it in the sink. Normally she would have suggested going to the spa, but there was simply no way Rarity would allow Twilight out of her home looking as she did.

The baby dragon shot a glare of his own back at Twilight. “It wasn’t my fault! Snips and Snails rushed at me with a stake!”

“It was a stick, Spike, and that is no excuse for  attempting to lick me clean!”

Rarity shuddered. “Really Spike…I cannot support clopping like that!” She placed a hoof upon her chest and raised her head nobly.  “It is wrong and horrible and…and wrong! It has no place anywhere and you should be ashamed of yourself! It is just so…vile!”

“Now you’re sounding like Big Macintosh,” Twilight muttered as her friend poured shampoo into her mane and used her magic to get a good lather going.

“I am?” Rarity asked in horror.

“Well, the Big Macintosh from Mrs. Cake’s story,” Twilight amended.

Rarity blinked. “I’m afraid you have me at a lost, Twilight. What story?”

Twilight lowered her head. She had come to recognize the signs of ‘impeding doom’ after three days of suffering through it and while she accepted that there was simply no way to avoid the nightmare that was about to be dropped upon her, that didn’t mean she had to deal with all of it. Taking a page out of Cadence’s playbook, Twilight decided to skip foreplay and move right to the orgy.

“Can I just speed things along? I’ve had this conversation at least 13 times already, so I know all the key points.” Before Rarity could answer, Twilight leapt up, soap bubbles still clinging to her mane. “Spike, you be me. I’ll be Rarity.”

“Uh…ok. Let’s see…’Well Rarity, Scootaloo’s story’,” Spike said, trying to put as much annoyance as he could in his voice.

To Rarity’s shock, Twilight turned around and, with skill that would have made her a grand edition to Trixie’s traveling show, nearly perfectly mimicked the white unicorn’s voice (which was difficult…one had to do a Neigh Jersey accent that was buried under a Manehattan accent). “Why, Twilight my dear, whatever do you mean, “Scootaloo’s story”? Do you mean Scootaloo, that rough little filly that is always following Rainbow Dash around?” Twilight tutted. “She would look so beautiful if she simply let herself-“

Spike screwed up his eyes, doing his best to mimic Twilight’s ‘losing it’ face. “Rarity, I don’t want to talk about Scootaloo’s fashion sense! I don’t even want to talk about Scootaloo but I apparently don’t have a choice!” He got down on all fours and began to pace about, letting out grunts of displeasure. “All I wanted was to get some brownies to eat, even though I do that strange thing when I eat them, but every pony I’ve run into wants to tell me about Scootaloo! Now I know that you are in love with Spike, who is the greatest dragon ever and I really should give him a raise-”

Twilight interrupted him,  not breaking character. “Why Twilight darling, I simply don’t understand why you didn’t come to me in the first place! I know all about Scootaloo and can help you out! It was a waste of time to chat to those silly ponies when you know that I, Rarity, know the truth about that little pegasus filly. Also, I think you overpay Spike and he should be glad he gets what he gets!” 

“Please Rarity, I don’t want to hear anymore stories!” Spike said as Twilight. “Don’t make me call my mother, the terrible Nightmare Moon, and have her do mean things to you!”

Twilight nodded, dashing over to the real Rarity (who was staring at them wondering if they had gotten into Pinkie’s special cupcake frosting).  In her normal voice she said. “Now, you play Spike!”

“How about I be Rarity?” the designer said nervously.

“But…I’m Rarity,” Twilight said softly.

“You’re Twilight,” Rarity said, as if she were addressing a foal. “You remember that, right? Twi-light.”

“Then who am I?” Spike asked.

“The Prince of Turtleland for all I care,” Rarity said before turning to address her friend. “Now then, from what I managed to gleam from your ravings…you have been hearing stories about little Scootaloo and now believe I will tell you one.”

“…are you?” Twilight asked softly as Rarity led her back towards the sink.

“Well…I do know a story...but I will only tell it if you want me too.”

Twilight considered Rarity’s offer. “It isn’t crazy, is it?”

“Define crazy,” Rarity said (after Twilight’s little display just moments ago Rarity wanted confirmation of just what her friend considered irrational).

“Are you going to use the story to pitch your book? Or claim that Scootaloo is an alien fighter? Or Princess Celestia in disguise?”

“I see you’ve been talking to Applejack,” Rarity muttered, turning on the table and pouring hot, soapy water along Twilight’s mane, massaging her friend’s scalp as she did so. “Do not worry, my dear, my tale is none of the above.”

~MC~MC~MC~

“I say, Evergreen, what do you know about this young filly that is coming to live with us?” Civil Suit said as he took a sip of his tea. The large pegasus was decked out in a fine three piece suit, his tiny wings made to look all the more smaller by his great bulk. He had always been a large pegasus, which is why he had chosen to make his living as a lawyer instead of working up in the clouds (clouds might be firm for pegasi, but one could still fall through them if they weighed too much…and Civil wasn’t about to give up his fried butter with bacon sandwiches).  Luckily for him his mind was just as big as his gut and Civil Suit had become quite rich helping protect innocent ponies in Ponyville from greedy corporations.

His mansion, just on the outskirts of Ponyville, brought all the class and dignity of Manehattan and Canterlot to the small town that had grown on him. He just found them so amusingly rustic (not that he would ever tell them that to their faces).

Evergreen, Civil Suit’s wife, smiled as she trotted over to her husband. True to her name her coat was a brilliant emerald and she never went anywhere without her boa or pearls.  “That filly is my niece, Civil. Her mother said that she was having some problems and asked us to watch over her till things calmed down. My dear sister is afraid that my niece might get hurt.”

Civil placed a hoof over his wife’s and smiled. “Well, if she is related to you then I know she will have style and grace-“

“Master Suit, Lady Evergreen,” the family butler (and resident smartass), Wise Crack, called out, standing near the opulate front door, “may I present Miss Scootaloo.”

“Say what!” Scootaloo said with a grin, bursting through the door…and smashing a vase. “Aw…hope that wasn’t expensive, Jeeves.” (If this were a bad sitcom, the laugh track would have played)

“It was priceless,” Civil Suit ground out, staring at the orange filly with dyed purple hair. Scootaloo was wearing hightop horseshoes and a loud yellow/blue/red jacket that was about two sizes to big.

“Oh good, was hopin’ it was worth nothin’!” Scootaloo said with a laugh (which would have been timed to, again, the laugh track). She took a seat next to her Uncle Civil, kicking her feet up. “So, what’s the plan for today? We gonna swim in money? Laugh at the poor?”

“High tea and lessons in culture,” Evergreen said simply.

“…no, seriously.”

“Wow…”

~MC~MC~MC~

“What is the matter, Twilight?” Rarity asked, lifting her friend’s head up so she could begin working a comb through her tangled mane.

“I just…wasn’t expecting that.”

“Expecting what?”

“I don’t know…when you started I thought you were going to tell some highbrow story involving tea and crampets-“

“Crumpets.”

“-whatever. The point is that I wasn’t expecting you to go all ‘rags to riches’, ‘worlds collide’ on me.”

Rarity scoffed. “Well, I suppose that is a bit of a shock, since I am so well cultured and refined. But this is Scootaloo’s story, so who am I to change it? Now then, where was I-“

~MC~MC~MC~

“So…Scootaloo…your mother wasn’t very clear about why you had to come live with us,” Civil Suit said, trying to resist the urge to grab the filly and toss her out of the house. So far she had broken the vase, eaten half of the cookies left out for tea and muddied up the floor with her hooves. He could feel his blood pressure building just staring at her.

Scootaloo ran her hoof along her nose, looking about before wiping the gooey appendage on the armrest of the couch.  “Don’t worry, Uncle Civil, I’ll clue you in.” Scootaloo cleared her throat. “Now this is the story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down.” She motioned towards one of the chairs. “And if ya have a minute, sit down and I’ll spill , I'll tell you how I became the princess of a town called Ponyville.” 

Evergreen frowned. “You…aren’t a princess.”

“And why are all your sentences rhyming?” Wise Crack asked.

“Just how I roll, Jeeves. Now…” Scootaloo cleared her throat before continuing. “In west Phillydelphia born and raised. On the playground where I spent most of my days. Chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool and all shooting some b-ball outside of the school.” 

“Rarity…are you…rapping?”

Scootaloo continued with her story (which was clearly not a rap but a narrative with lyrical undertones). “When a couple of guys, they were up to no good, started making trouble in my neighborhood! I got in one little fight and my mom had her fill, and said "You're moving with your auntie and uncle in Ponyville!" 

“Well…that was…interesting,” Civil Suit stated (while Scootaloo continued to beat box). “Now, I will warn you Rarity that I am a respected lawyer and I expect you to behave like a cultured mare and not like some two bit hood.”

“Uh, Rarity…don’t you mean Scootaloo?”

“Of course Twilight. That is what I said.”

“You said your name.”

“I assure you I did not!”

“Now then, Scootaloo,” Civil Suit said, continuing his lecture. “You are not in Phillydelphia anymore. You are in Ponyville and will behave like a proper unicorn! I will admit it would be humorous to see you, a streetwise tough, interacting with my rich and proper family…might even last a few seasons (seasons of course referring to winter to spring to summer to fall) however-”

“Rarity, Scootaloo isn’t a unicorn…”

~MC~MC~MC~

Rarity sniffed, falling back onto the chair she had summoned from her living room. “Oh Twilight, you caught me! I thought I could fool you but it is clear that I could not! Oh, how I-“

(Author’s Note: Yeah… this goes on for like… another 6 minutes. So we are just going to skip ahead, ok? Hey, why don’t you read the newest chapter of Darth Link's 'Families''? I'll wait.)

…

…

…

(Back?  Good, now back to your crappy parody chapter)

“Are you better now?” Twilight asked, taking the now empty bottle of water she had given Rarity. “Think you can tell us what has you so upset?”

“Twilight… I don’t know anything about Scootaloo. I just wanted to be part of the fun. I am always left out and didn’t want you thinking I was a stick in the mud.”

“Rarity, I would never think that.”

“Me neither!” Spike said. “You’re the best.”

“Thank you both.”

Twilight wrapped a hoof around Rarity's shoulder. “But where did you come up with that crazy story? And why were you constantly getting confused and using your name?”

“Well…that story is…my secret origin.” And with that, Rarity dropped her cultured accent. “I be a stone cold baller, yo.” Twilight and Spike just stared in shock. “I grew up on the mean streets, cappin’ fools like it ain’t no thang.” Rarity’s horn glowed and Twilight could only gasp as the fashionista’s entire appearance changed: her body was now bright orange, like she had rolled in a pile of Cheetos, and her mane was frizzy and poofed up. Gaudy rings and jewelry floated over to her as she transformed herself into a true Neigh Jersey girl. “Now that’s I let ya know the truth, cuz, I can be my real self! I’s so glad I don’t need to pretend to be that stuck up bitch, homes. Yo Twi-bright, ya want to hit the club, maybe get our drink on? I’s just got to GTL and I’ll be set.”

Twilight slowly backed away in terror. It was like she was trapped in a horror novel where everyone had been replaced by pod ponies (‘Hmmm, maybe Scootaloo is a pod-No Twilight, focus on saving yourself!’)

“That….sounds super, Rarity, but I really need to go…I need to wash my mane tonight.” She ran a hoof through her already washed mane. 

Rarity scoffed. “That be trippin’. Hey Spikey, you want to Smooze?”

“What’s smooze?” Spike asked. Rarity leaned over and whispered in his ear, the dragon’s eyes going wide. “Oh…oh Celestia…No…no no no! That’s not even physically possible! Why would you put that there?!?!” Spike scrambled onto Twilight’s back. “TRANSPORT US! DO IT NOW!”

The lavender unicorn and the baby dragon popped out of Rarity’s house. 

“Oh, you were right, that was funny!” Rarity said, her normal accent firmly in place. Her horn flashed and the camouflage spell faded, revealing that all the changes had merely been an illusion.

“I told you!” Pinkie Pie giggled, bursting out of the cupboard she had been hiding in. 

“I must say, I really should engage in these ‘pranks’ more often… they fit my natural acting talent quite well.” Rarity looked over the jewelry she was wearing, placing it in a box to be returned to her mother later. “Remind me to thank my cousin Vinyl for sending us that camouflage spell so quickly… and for the tips on slang. Now then…should we try this on Applejack next?” 

> Discord
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Twilight stepped onto the empty stage, looking out at the audience that waited patiently  for her to begin and had only one thought. Unfortunately, due to this story’s rating, we can’t actually post what she thought (but it involved words that rhyme with duck).

She had no idea how she had ended up in the theater. The last thing she remembered was taking Spike home after Rarity’s little prank (Pinkie had ended up caving about 20 seconds after Twilight had went screaming off into the night and admitting the entire scheme), sending a letter to Princess Celestia (Dear Princess Celestia, Today I learned every pony in Equestria has gone nuts. Did you put PCP in the water supply? –Twilight) , and heading straight to bed (‘Ok, that is three things but still…’).

And yet here she was, standing on stage wearing, of all things, a green tutu and a beer helmet. The audience was, for the most part, entertained, as they kept laughing every couple of minutes. Twilight leaned forward, squinting against the spotlight. 

“Wait a minute… you’re humans! What the… what is going on?”

“We’ll, I’ll tell you, Twilight,” a familiar voice purred in her ear. “You are dreaming and this is Discord’s Chapter.” The chaos god grinned as he appeared on stage, wearing a fancy tux with a big spinning bow tie. “With tonight’s special guest, my daughter Miss Twilight Sparkle!”

“I am not your daughter!” Twilight shouted even as the rousing music began to play. She looked around in fright as from stage left a line of dancing mares made their way on stage while a line of stallions from the opposite side joined them.

The Mares (Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Mrs. Cake, Lyra, Cadence and Derpy)

It's time to play the music 
It's time to light the lights 
It's time to meet the ponies in Discord’s Chapter tonight!

The Stallions (Doctor Whooves, Big Macintosh, Prince Blueblood, Flim, Flam, Caramel, Soarin’, Shining Armor and honorary  stallion Spike)

It's time to put on makeup 
It's time to dress up right 
It's time to raise the curtain on Discord’s Chapter tonight. 

Twilight looked up, jaw dropping as she saw Dinky sitting with Lord Tydal in the balcony, the little filly waving at her happily. 

Tydal

Why are we in this chapter? 

Dinky

It’s getting rather sick

Tydal

That the author keeps inserting us

Tydal and Dinky

Randomly in this fic!

Entire Cast (minus Twilight)

And now let's get things started 

Audience and Readers of this Chapter

Why don't you get things started ?

Discord

It's time to get things started 

Entire Cast (minus Twilight)

On the most sensational 
Inspirational 
Celebrational 
Discordational 
This is what we call Discord’s Chapter!

Twilight blinked as Rollypolly appeared beside her, raising a trumpet to his eyestalk (?!) and blowing, only for Scootaloo to pop out of the bell and throw a pie at her.

And just as soon as they had appeared they were all gone, leaving Twilight alone on stage with Discord who was holding a neon said that read “Applause”. The draconequus wiggled his eyebrows as he leaned in close. “Come on now, doesn’t my little princess want to give daddykins a kissie poo?”

“If by kissie poo you mean stomp your head in then yes, I will happily accept your offer.”

“Kids today,” Discord said with a sigh, glancing at the audience.

“I am not your kid! Nightmare Moon was trapped, as were you!”

“God…of…Chaos. You really think either of those things could stop me, baby girl?”

Twilight grit her teeth together. “You are not real… you are a dream. You are not real… you are a dream.”

Discord patted her on the head before summoning a Lazy Boy for him to sit down in. “Only half right. This is a dream but I am quite real. You see, while I am physically bound to that statue, it doesn’t mean that I can’t find ways to have fun. I managed to figure out a way to invade your dreams so I could spend time with my little girl!”

“That’s my bit!” Freddy Kreuger shouted from stage left.

Discord snapped his fingers and sent the movie monster straight to hell (or Wisconsin… either way it was bad). “Now then, I have been watching you and the whole Scootaloo thing and I just have to ask… would life really have been worse under my rule than this?”

“…probably,” Twilight muttered.

“You do realize I was grooming you to be my second in command, right? Was going to get your mother back and give you your chaos powers that Celestia stole from you-“

“I.Am.Not.Your.Daughter.”

“I think the lady protests too much,” Discord said with a smirk. He rubbed his hands together, clearly warming up to the chaos he was about to bring. “Now then, I have seen how the others have been driving you absolutely insane and I decided that I wanted to get in on the fun. Quicker you go nuts the quicker we can become a family again. “

Twilight blinked… then began to laugh.

No, not laugh; she full on fell to the ground, rolling about giggling and chortling.

“While I would normally enjoy seeing you lapse into insanity-“

“There… there is nothing you can do, Discord!” Twilight giggled. “I’ve heard the craziest stories… there is not a single way you could tell a story that would drive me nuts!”

“Is that so?” Discord said, turning towards the audience…




Twilight frowned as she stared at the writer and the new figure who had popped up. “Ok, so you got the strange man in pajamas and the insane writer to tell help you tell an origin story. So what?”

Discord grinned. “You don’t get it, do you? I am going to let every member of the audience tell you a Scootaloo origin…and there is nothing you can do to stop them.”

“Wha-what?” Twilight stammered.



“No….no!” Twilight screamed as she saw them all begin grabbing the Mad Libs Discord was passing out. Twilight trembled and ran off the stage. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!”

Deadpool and defender2222 watched as the audience began to fill out their Mad Lib. “Huh…feel like there should be a moral here,” Deadpool said. “Every great story has a moral.”

“That’s why I brought the Wheel of Morality!” Discord pulled the large wheel out from behind the curtain, giving it a spin. “Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn, tell us the lesson that we should learn.” A computer attached to the wheel spat out a piece of paper. “Moral Number 12. And the moral of today’s story is…lather, rinse, repeat; always repeat.”

“How profound,” Deadpool stated.

“Pat, I’d like to buy a vowel,” defender2222 stated.

“Wrong wheel, father.”

“Oh.”

The sound of Mad Libs being completed filled the air.















“…wow, the chapter isn’t over yet?” Deadpool asked, looking at his watch. “I would have thought we’d have ended it and gone to the reviews by now.”

“Me too… and I am the one writing it!” defender2222 stated in surprise. “Weird.” 

The three of them awkwardly stood on stage.

“…want to sing ‘Call Me Maybe’ until the chapter ends?” Discord offered.

“YEAH!” the author exclaimed.

“That will be scary…but fun!” Deadpool exclaimed.

All three of them  leaping up to give each other a highfive. “FRIENDSHIP!”

Discord

I threw a wish in the well, 
Don't ask me, I'll never tell 
I looked to you as it fell, 
And now you're in my way 

Deadpool

I'd trade my soul for a wish, 
Pennies and dimes for a kiss 
I wasn't looking for this, 
But now you're in my way 

defender2222

Your stare was holdin', 
Ripped jeans, skin was showin' 
Hot night, wind was blowin' 
Where you think you're going, baby? 

Discord, Deadpool, defender2222 (arms wrapped around each other, big stupid grins on their faces)


Hey, I just met you, 
And this is crazy, 
But here's my number, 
So call me, maybe? 

It's hard to look right, 
At you baby, 
But here's my number, 
So call me, maybe? 

Hey, I just met you, 
And this is crazy, 
But here's my number, 
So call me, maybe? 

And all the other boys
Try to chase me
But here’s my number,
So call me, maybe?


> Zecora
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Normally I do not mind some guests, but not when they walk while they rests.”

Twilight glanced up from the mug of warm broth Zecora had planted in front of her nose. The lavender unicorn had awoken to find herself butting her head against Zecora’s door, having apparently sleepwalked all the way through the Everfree forest. The zebra had explained that Twilight had been mumbling something about theaters and adjectives when she wasn’t singing, “Before you came into my life I missed you so bad”.

“I am so sorry, Zecora. It’s… been a long day.”

“Perhaps my pony friend should check her sight, as it is clear to me that it is night.”

Twilight took another swig of the amber-colored broth. It flowed down her throat and warmed her belly, which in turn chased away the cold that lingered on her limbs. “Ok, it’s been a long few days.  Did you know every pony in Equestria is crazy?”

“It is not wise to insult those you hold dear,” Zecora said. “But… why do you think I live out here?”

Twilight laughed. “I hadn’t thought of that… how much does it cost to rent one of these spooky cabins? I have some bits saved up.”

“Though you laugh I know you are sad. What have your friends done that is so bad? That you are upset is easy to see, why else would you want to move to the Everfree?”

Twilight let out a sigh, rubbing her eyes with her hooves. “So you know who Scootaloo is, right?”

“She is a friend of the dear filly Applebloom. Why do you treat her like a bringer of doom?”

“It isn’t her fault... but no one really knows much about her. I mean, I’ve never met her parents or guardians, or heard where she lives. She just kinda… showed up out of thin air one day and became Applebloom and Sweetie Belle’s friend. And that was ok, but when you get to thinking about it… it’s really weird that other than hanging around them you don’t hear much about her.” Twilight sighed, blowing a lock of hair out of her eyes. “I don’t know, I just want to know what her deal is.”

“And while you have attempted that, you see why curiosity killed the cat.”

“Oh, how I wish it was just killing me. I would give my hoof for this quest to kill me,” Twilight complained, laying her head on the table. “But knowing my luck, the Grim Reaper would trot up and have his own story about Scootaloo!”

~Meanwhile, in the void…~

The Grim Reaper looked over at the collected souls he had gathered. “So, what do you think? And give me your honest opinion… no matter how blunt. I can take it.”

Starswirl the Bearded frowned. “I don’t know… seems kinda farfetched that Scootaloo use to be part of a gang of fillies and colts that traveled around Equestria solving mysteries with their talking dog.”

“I agree,” said Blenheim Orange, a ginger mare whose dark brown mane was one long braid. “I just can’t see Old Stallion Philips being stopped by some meddling fillies and colts and their puppy.”

“…I hate you! I hate all of you!” Reaper screamed, before running out of the meeting like a 3 year old girl.

Blenheim turned to her husband, a gigantic dark red earth pony named Brown Snout, and shrugged. “At least our daughter’s story made sense!”

“AJ was always a clever one,” Brown stated. 

~MC~MC~MC~

“With this story the author should stay, instead of making jokes with a cutaway.”

“You say something Zecora?” Twilight called out from across the room, ladling out another helping of broth.

Zecora merely smiled as Twilight trotted back over. “Now I see why you are blue, trying to learn about Scootaloo.”

“It isn’t even the learning part that gets me!” Twilight complained. “It is the silly stories everypony is tells me. Scootaloo is spy, Scootaloo is a goddess, Scootaloo is a chicken.” She shook her head in annoyance. “I feel like I am the last sane pony in Equestria.”

“The answer you seek is easy to see: don’t ask ponies, instead ask me.”

“You?” Twilight asked. “You know about Scootaloo?”

“Of this fact I cannot deny.  Would you give my story a try?”

“One moment!” Twilight rushed over to Zecora’s bed and grabbed the big, fluffy pillow that Fluttershy had gotten the zebra for her birthday. The unicorn dragged it over to the table and, after setting it down, slammed her head against it a few times, smiling as she realized there was no pain. “Alright, I’m all set!”

“…while now I have my concerns about you, I push them aside to speak of Scootaloo.”

~MC~MC~MC~

Every pegasus in Clouddale loved to fly a lot
But the filly who lived below did not
This grounded mare, named Scootaloo
Didn’t hate flying, she loved it too!

But flap as she might, all she did was fall
For her wings were two sizes too small.
So Scootaloo watched and glowered and groaned
And cursed the tiny little wings that she owned

“If only they were bigger!” she would complain
But wish as she might, they were in vain
For ask any pony, no matter what you try
If your wings are tiny, you’ll never fly

And as each day past she grew only bitter
Watching the fliers while sat on her sitter
Try as they might, no friend could give help
For when they spoke, all she would do is yelp:

“It’s not fair that I am stuck with these tiny things!
While each of you have your majestic wings!
I should be up there, it’s easy to see!
Things simply aren’t as they should be!”

So she sat on the ground, still as a stump
Glowering and hissing like a small traglump
Stuck to the earth like she was coated in glue
The filly got angry and stared to stew

“What the heck is a traglump?”

“Interrupting is not a nice, please don’t make me say it twice”

And as she glared at the clouds, she got an idea
A terrible, awful, horrid idea

“See how they dance and soar and garbling
While I am stuck with hardly a wing
I think I'll sneak up, quick as a cough
And rip all of their feathery wings off!”

“HOLY CELESTIA!”

~MC~MC~MC~


“I asked you for quiet once, Twilight, yet you interrupt again, which is not right.”

“Sorry, sorry,” Twilight said with a sigh. “Just… that story kinda took a dark turn. I mean, Scootaloo ripping wings off of pegasi? That’s about as twisted as that rumor I heard about how Pinkie Pie makes her cupcakes.” Twilight leaned in close. “They say she uses…artificial sweeteners!”

“With how much you ponies love sugary this and that, I am surprised you all aren’t more fat.”

“We do Pilates,” Twilight said dismissively. “Now, I don’t like it that you have Scootaloo becoming some crazed murderer. I already dealt with enough crazy stuff over the last three weeks. So I am giving you one more chance: keep the story sane and rational…” Twilight yanked the pillow away, “…or the table gets it.”

~MC~MC~MC~

And so it was, 15 minutes before noon
That the filly prepared her pink balloon
With a snip and snap she went into the sky
Plotting her revenge on those that could fly

The land drifted away as she began to float
In her silver balloon and wicker tree boat
She looked to the clouds and felt only hate
Taking revenge of the pegesi would be so great

But as she neared the city to enact her plan
The balloon struck a spiky Biggletigtan
She could not scream or let out a call
Her balloon had been popped and she began to fall!

“Ok, now you are clearly making up words. Why didn’t I bring Mr. Dictionary with me…”

Scootaloo screamed as she plummeted far
She fell from the heavens like a shooting star
She pinched herself, hoping to wake
But she knew that she’d become a pancake

Just when she thought she would go splat
Upon her head she felt a small pat
And what had caught her? It was plain to see!
It was a helpful pegasus or three!

“Great, making up words and now Scootaloo can’t count.”

And as she hung in their hooves, giving a pitch and sway
Why, little Scootaloo’s heart grew three sizes that day!
All the hate and anger and fled from her heart
And she decided to give life a new fresh start

“If her heart grew three sizes it would burst out of her chest. Maybe it’s a medical condition… maybe that is why she can’t count!”

From that day forth Scootaloo was a new filly
And she knew that getting mad was just silly
Having small wings or a mane that is purple
Is no reason to…uh…uh…purple purple.

“Did you just rhyme purple with purple?”

“Well, it isn’t easy to rhyme, Twilight, so cut me some slack!”

~MC~MC~MC~

Twilight stared at Zecora, her jaw hanging so low Pinkie Pie could have used it as a swing. “You… you spoke normal.”

“…no I didn’t!” Zecora said hastily.

“You did it again!”

“You are hearing things.”

Twilight shook her head in disbelief. “All this time you could talk without rhyming! I don’t believe this! I mean, I knew Zebras could talk normally-“

“I’m getting kinda insulted that you keep saying ‘normal’.” Zecora huffed. When Twilight just stared at her, the zebra quickly added, “and that is…uh…wow, it is hard to find a word that rhymes with normal.”

“This is amazing! I mean, I never realized the rhyming thing was a choice.”

“Of course it was a choice! Why did you think I did it?”

Twilight shrugged. “I thought maybe you hit your head as a baby and suffered brain damage.”

Zecora stared at Twilight in horror. “That… that is just disturbing! Why would you think that?”

“I always assume brain damage is the reason for ponies acting different.”

“…you have problems, Twilight.” Zecora said. “If you must know, I rhyme because it is expected of me. I am the daughter of the Lady of Zebrica, who is the goddess and ruler of Zebrica. In my land, the royalty sing their commands and thus I, as the ambassador of Zebrica to these lands, must rhyme as well.”

“Wait… your mother is a goddess? Does that mean you are related too-“

“Hi Zecora!” Luna called out as she walked in through the front door, followed by Cadence and Tydal. “You ready to party? Auntie Luna brought margaritas!“ The moon goddess blinked when she realized Zecora wasn’t alone, a huge grin formed upon her lips when she realized who was standing before her. “Twilight! Give mama a hug!”

Twilight stared at the gods before shrugging. “You know what? I don’t care. If it gets me drunk I’ll be your daughter. I’ll be your kid for booze.”

“That’s all I ever asked!” Luna said happily, hugging Twilight.

“That is so sweet!” Cadence cooed softly. Then she smiled, horn glowing. “I’m gonna make’em kiss.”

“Cadence, no! Bad alicorn!” Tydal shouted, smacking the love goddess with a rolled up newspaper.

“Our family is strange,” Zecora stated.
> Soarin'
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Twilight groaned. It took all the strength she had to raise her foreleg up to cover her eyes. It felt as if her limbs were weighed down but energy used to complete the task was worth it, as the action allowed her to block out more of the painful light that was attempting to drill into her brain via her eyes. 

Never had the unicorn felt so horrible. She would rather go fifteen rounds with a manticore than suffer through the scourge known as 'the hangover'.

"Well, look who is back among the living," a masculine voice said gently. Twilight scowled; didn't any pony know that you weren't suppose to be so cheerful at this time of the day (of course, she didn't know what time it was but that really didn't matter). She attempted to roll away, only for two sets of hooves to quickly grab her and force her to remain on her back. "Careful there! Already took a nasty fall once today.”

"Here, drink this," a mare on the other side of her said, gently pressing a vial to her lips. "A hangover cure we use after a hard night of partying." Twilight's eyes nearly bugged out of her head; it felt as if her skull was swelling and her horn was being yanked out. For 2.3 seconds Twilight Sparkle knew what hell felt like... and then she knew only bliss.

"Oooohhhh," she murmured happily.

"Yeah, that is the best part of being a Wonderbolt." 

Finally able to open her eyes without screaming, Twilight looked upon her company: Soarin' and Spitfire of the Wonderbolts. The two of them were out of costume (Something Twilight was grateful for; she'd never had the heart to tell Dash just how ridiculous the getups were) and watching over her, as if they expected her to turn into a phantom right there in front of them.  

Looking about her, Twilight realized with a start that she was in Cloudsdale. It was easy to identify the city without even looking out the window; only Cloudsdale used this type of cumulus clouds as part of its architecture (it was a well known fact that San Cloudsisco, for example, used thinner rainbow clouds to make up most of its buildings). 

Twilight's pupils shrank when she realized she where she was... and that she didn't have pegasus magic to keep her from falling all the way down to Equestria proper.

"Easy now, don't worry!" Spitfire said, reading Twilight's panicked thoughts. "Your mother cast a cloud-walking spell before she left you with us."

"I'm walking on cloudshine...oooo ooooo...I'm walkin' on cloudshine... and don't it feel good!" Soarin' sang.

Twilight and Spitfire shared a look, rolling their eyes in unision. "Wait, why did she leave me with you? Why not take me to Ponyville?"

"Well..."

~MC~MC~MC~

‘Show me the way to go home! I’m tired and I wanna go to bed!”

Luna grunted, struggling to keep a hold of Twilight’s wiggling form. The unicorn was doing little to help the situation, as she was currently trying to perform the Lindy Hop while singing at the top of her lungs. This wouldn’t have been bad, if not for the fact that they were nearly a mile off the ground.

“I had a little drink about an hour ago and it went straight to my head! Everybody now!” Twilight sang.

“Well, Twilight is a happy drunk. Who knew?” Cadence stated. Tydal, not having wings, had chosen to warp back to Canterlot via the underground waterways, leaving the goddess of the moon and the love princess to take care of the smashed unicorn.

“I’d almost prefer if she were a mean drunk,” Luna complained. “Let’s just drop her off on one of these clouds and let her sleep it off.” 

“SHOW ME THE WAY TO GO HOME!”

“Uh, Aunt Luna,” Cadence called out as Luna dropped Twilight onto the cloud… and discovered it was less of being on the cloud than through the cloud. 

“MY BABY!” 

~MC~MC~MC~

"Yeah, that sounds like my 'mom'," Twilight grumbled. "But that still doesn't explain me being here."

"After they managed to catch you Princess Luna and Cadence realized there was no way they could get you safely back home so they asked us help out. She cast the cloudwalk spell," Soarin' began to hum again and Spitfire ignored him, "and we decided to let you sleep off your buzz. We contacted one of your friends and she will come pick you up and take you home soon."

"Good," Twilight muttered. "Don't suppose I could just hide here for a few extra days."

Soarin' shook his head. "Spitfire already ruled out a threesome."

The yellow pegasus rolled her eyes. "He's been practicing his snappy comebacks since the Princesses brought you here."

"Sounds like he could use more practice," Twilight stated.

Spitfire chuckled at Soarin' as he pouted. "So, what's eating you Twilight?"

"What do you mean?"

Spitfire shrugged. "Only two reasons a pony gets as drunk as you were: they want to celebrate or they want to forget. I don't peg you as the forgetting type, so something must have made you want to beat your brain cells till they couldn't tell up from down."

The unicorn sighed, burrowing just a bit further under the covers. "Scootaloo."

"What is a Scootaloo?" Spitfire asked.

"Scootaloo is a who, not a what. She is this little filly and-"

(Author's Note: Ok, we all know the drill, right? I mean, it's not like this is the first chapter you are reading. If it, what the heck is wrong with you? So we are just going to skip over the part where Twilight details the entire plot of this story. If you really feel cheated and want to read a rehash, just... i don't know, go reread the Cakes chapter again. Now then, where was I?)

“But Spitfire, are you sure you want Twilight to join us? That would make it a threesome!” Soarin’ called out.

(Author's Note: Oops, we went a bit too far ahead...let me just rewind this... ok, I think I got it)

Spitfire raised an eyebrow as Twilight finished her tale of woe. "A diaper?"

Twilight hung her head. "Please don't make me go into any further detail. The point is that I am getting rather tired of hearing Scootaloo stories."

"Scootaloo?" Soarin' asked in glee. "I know her origin story! Why didn't you say so sooner?"

Spitfire frowned. "Uh... she has been saying it... she's said the filly's name 10 times now in the past 8 minutes. Also, neither of us have ever met this Scootaloo."

"I'm pretty sure I would remember if she had," Soarin' said with a smirk. "My memory is like a steel grate."

Twilight blinked. "Don't you mean trap?"

"...that too!" The stallion grinned, puffing his chest out a bit. "Yeah, I know all about Scootaloo and I will be happy to tell you all about her!"

Twilight whimpered. "I'm good."

"Come on, let me tell my story!" The Wonderbolt began to hop up and down like Pinkie Pie on a trampoline.

Luckily for Twilight, Spitfire was apparently one of the few ponies in Equestria that wasn't nuts. "Soarin', no. Twilight doesn't want to hear any more stories and we aren't going to force her." The yellow mare helped Twilight out of bed. "Come on, let's get something in your stomach. Considering how much you threw up before we got you in bed your tummy should be pretty empty."

Soarin' just stared at the two as they trotted out of the room. "Well... I'm still going to tell my story!"

"We don't care!" Twilight called out.

"You'll be sorry!"

"No we won't!"

Soarin' huffed. "Their loss. Now then..." he hurried over to the desk that sat across from Spitfire’s bed and hastily drew two crude images: one of Twilight and one of Spitfire. Heading back to the bed, the stallion happily taped each drawing to a pillow before clearing his throat. "What’s that? You changed your mind? Great! Now then...the secret origin of Scootaloo!"

~MC~MC~MC~

High above Equestria, in the clouds that lay on the edge of Cloudsdale, an old pegasus stallion carefully inspected the squirming orange pegasus foal. The newborn let out squeaks of protest as it was poked and jabbed by the elder.

'When she was born, like all pegasi, she was inspected. If she was small or found to have any abnormalities, she would be discarded.'

The old stallion smiled. Never in all his years had he seen a pegasus foal so strong... so well built... so noble in bearing. Clearly, this little filly was destined for great things.

“You will be a great leader, little Razorw-w-w-wACHOO!”

“Squee?” Razorwing squeaked as the stallion’s hooves lost their grip on her, sending the foal falling to the ground below (don’t worry, she didn’t die… all ponies get in this story are big booboos).

“Ew! What is this icky bloody puddle doing here?” Rarity called up from the ground below.

(I SAID ALL THEY GET IS BIG BOOBOOS!)

“Oh crap!” The stallion exclaimed.

“Butterhooves, did you say something?” The stallion’s supervisor trotted over, looking around expectantly. “You said you had an amazing filly that was destined to be our leader… where is she?”

“Uh…” Butterhooves grabbed another orange foal and held her up. “Here she is! Scootaloo! Next leader of the Wonderbolts!”

The little foal stuck her hoof in her mouth and sucked on it.

“Soarin’, please be quiet!”

~MC~MC~MC~

“I am in my room and I can do what I want!” Soarin’ complained.

“You are in my room!” Spitfire hollered from the kitchen.

“You’re just mad that mom likes me better than you!”

Twilight blinked. “I didn’t know you two were brother and sister.”

“We aren’t. My mom just likes him better.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah, she’s a bitch.”

~MC~MC~MC~

“When she was old enough, she was sent out into the wilds, to prove herself. It would only be with her strength and her cunning that she would be able to survive.”

Scootaloo paused, slowly backing towards the cliff face, her eyes staring out into the darkness. Night had fallen upon Equestria and now was when she was the most vulnerable.  The snow was cold on her hooves and her wings fluttered slightly as she ever so carefully made her way along the rocky wall, searching for the small crack she knew lay within.

A snarl filled the air and as the moon became free of the cloud cover Scootaloo felt her heart race at the sight of her stalker. Its wooden limbs creaked as it slowly prowled towards her, the splinter-filled mouth hanging open to reveal sharpened teeth that wanted to make their home in her flesh.

“A timber wolf. A foul beast from a darker age. How it had come to be here none could say. The old beast had seen many winters and had believed this to be its last. The younger, stronger wolves had managed to snatch up all the fresh meat and left the old warrior with little.

“But now, its belly rumbling and its energy waning, the beast found a treat. An unsuspecting filly that would do quite well at filling its belly.”

“Do quite well? Really Soarin’?”

“I thought you two didn’t want to hear my story!”

“We don’t, so quiet down! We’re trying to drink coffee and have quiet, boring chit chat that all mares have when they have coffee and we can’t do that when you are telling loud, exciting stories!”

Scootaloo backed into the narrow opening in the cliff face, her hoof slowly reaching down to grasp a long wooden staff. The timberwolf snapped and snarled as he approached her hiding spot, dark eyes gleaming in the moonlight as it gazed upon its next meal.

“She knew what she had to do. The beast was mighty and could easily tear her to shreds… but in this tight place, which isn’t at all a metaphor for something she is going to encounter later in life, the beast’s strength would mean nothing. It would be trapped against the rocky walls, bloated form caught fast, and Scootaloo could, with a single thrust, end the wolf’s life.”

“Thanks for telling it my plan, jerk!” Scootaloo shouted at the sky.

“Wait… what?”

“My plan, genius! I had this entire thing planned out and you just blabbed it out for all to hear.”

“No no, it’s ok! I’m just the narrator… no one heard me.”

“I heard you!” Scootaloo protested.

“So did I,” the timberwolf said.

“Wait, you can talk?”

“Of course I can talk!” the wolf complained. “Everything in this country can talk! The cows talk, the sheep talk… why wouldn’t I talk?”

“Well, I just assumed…”

“And by the way, I don’t appreciate you calling me old. I am only 33… 33 is not old.”

Scootaloo nodded. “So not only are you a racist you are rude too!”

“Oh Soarin, I’m so sorry for insulting your awesome story!”

~MC~MC~MC~

Soarin’ grinned as he held the Spitfire pillow up. “That’s ok. I understand completely.”

“Listen,” the ‘pillow’ said, “I have an idea…”

The Wonderbolt held the pillow to his ear, eyes widening. “But Spitfire, are you sure you want Twilight to join us? That would make it a threesome!” Soarin’ called out.

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Twilight was doing her best to ignore the stallion. “Should we do something?” she asked, listening to the bed begin to squeak.

Spitfire took a sip of coffee. “Nah… we’ll just let him play a bit more and then I’ll put him down for his nap.” She sighed softly. “He’ll sleep well tonight.”

“So, how does it feel to be the only sane pegasus in Equestria?” Twilight asked.

The Wonderbolt captain shrugged. “I don’t think that’s fair. I am sure there are a lot of-“

“Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod!”

Twilight and Spitfire leapt back in horror, staring at the window which, at that moment, had a hyperventilating Rainbow Dash’s face smushed against it.  

“...I take back my last statement,” Spitfire stated. 




> Rainbow Dash
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Twilight Sparkle, you are charged with 20 counts of aggravated assault! How do you plead?"

The unicorn looked about, utterly terrified at the sheer hatred she felt being directed her way. The dark courtroom made her feel as if she were in the deepest Tartarus pit. "I... I plead not guilty! I would never hurt a pony!"

"It is not a pony you are charged with hurting!" The judge leaned forward menacingly. "You are charged with assaulting tables!'

"No... no!" Twilight cried out in horror. She looked at the judge, an oak endtable that had a gavel in it's front drawer and a white powder wig sitting on top of it, and began to beg for mercy. "I never meant to hurt a single table!"

"Liar!" her library table cried out. It's front leg was wrapped in a cast. "You assaulted me again and again! And that was after you let your baby dragon stand on me!"

"You struck my baby!" A large table cried out, clutching a sobbing Sugarcube Corner table. "Who would strike a baby? You're a monster!"

Twilight looked around the courtroom, trying to find sometable that was on her side. Oak kitchen tables and dark pine living room tables whispered hateful words from the jury box. "Please, I promise I would never hurt any intelligent creature!" She slammed her hoof down on the defense table before her. "You have to believe me! I don't have it in me to hurt something that can feel!"

"Then why did you just strike our lawyer?" the judge demanded.

"I was on your side!" the defense table whined, trotting away from her.

"Stay away before she attacks again!" a cedar work table exclaimed.

"Wait... I made a mistake!"

"I have heard enough!" the judge roared. "Twilight Sparkle, for your sickening crimes against tablekind, I rule that you will be turned into a table yourself, so that you may feel what we have suffered through!"

"NO!" Twilight screamed, suddenly finding her face stretched and turned hard and flat as her legs were thinned. Her mane and tail disappeared as she was transformed into a simple dining room table.

"Oh Cadence, I can't believe my sister could be so cruel!" Shining Armor cried out in despair, not realizing the table he banged his hoof against was his sister. "She has stained our family name and I don't think I'll ever live down the shame!"

"It will be ok, my love..." Cadence began to nuzzle him. "Would it make you feel better if we did it right here on top of this table?"

"...yes, yes it would."

"NO!" Twilight screamed in a panic as Shining threw his wife on top of her. "It's me! It's me!"

"Twilight! Wake up!"

~MC~MC~MC~

Twilight thrashed about as Rainbow Dash shook her. "No... no Cadence, don't have sex on me!" The unicorn blinked, realizing she was not a table and was safe inside of Rainbow Dash's house. "Uh... just a bad dream." She chuckled weakly.

"Must have been some dream. You were kinda doing that thing you do when you eat a brownie, only your nose wasn't flaring." Rainbow Dash trotted over to the wall. "Now that you are awake, I want your opinion on something." She gestured towards a picture frame that hung on her wall. "What do you think?"

"What... what is that?" Twilight asked.

"Spitfire's autograph... amazing, right?" Rainbow Dash took a few steps back to admire the framed parchment that now hung on her wall. 

"Dash, that's not an autograph, it's a restraining order," Twilight said gently, lying on her friend's couch. "It says that you can't come within 20 feet of Spitfire or her house!"

The cyan pegasus shrugged. "Hey, a win is a win."

"How... how is this a win?" Twilight complained.

Rainbow Dash showed no sign of having heard her. "Do you think the frame captures the coolness of the autograph?"

"Again, it’s a restraining order, and no it doesn't because there is no coolness to having a restraining order placed on you for peeping."

The flyer just laughed. "You know, for somepony that dreams about Princess Cadence having sex on top of her you're a bit of a prude." Nodding in satisfaction, Rainbow left the framed court order right where it hung and turned her attention towards her bookish friend. "So, Pinkie Pie and Rarity told me they have been pranking you about Scoots."

"Yes, they have. Unfortunately the rest of the town is crazy and enjoys yanking my chain."

"Well that's what you get for going to those lame brains. You honestly think any of them would know anything about anything?"

"Before all of this, I would have disagreed..." Twilight muttered.

Rainbow Dash puffed out her chest. "I got to tell ya Twi, I'm disappointed. You should have come to see me about Scootaloo first thing. She is my number 1 fan, after all."

"I didn't exactly set out to learn all about Scootaloo, Rainbow Dash. It just kinda happened and by the time I decided to seek out some answers I couldn't find you."

The cyan flyer flew up, placing her front hooves on her hips and striking a dramatic pose. "Well, you don't have to fret anymore! Rainbow Danger Dash is going to clue you in!"

"I thought your middle name was Miriam."

"...Miriam is an ancient pegasi word that means Danger," Rainbow said.

"Sure it does," Twilight said, settling in for another story. "So, what will it be? Will there be time travel involved? If there is, could she go forward instead of backwards?"

"How would somepony go forward in time?"

"Magic sword that sends her forward 7 years so she can defeat a dark lord," Twilight said simply. 

"...you have problems, Twilight."

~MC~MC~MC~

"Doctor! Doctor!" Nurse Redheart called out, bursting into her boss' office. "Come quick!"

"What's wrong, did you finally discover a pony with a brain?" Doctor Grumpy House asked. 

"There is an emergency in the ER!"

Dr. House rolled his eyes. "That's usually why they call it an Emergency Room."

"Doctor, please!"

"Fine!" House grunted, hauling himself up from his chair and limping towards the door. "But you are going to have to listen to me make snarky comments the entire way."

"It's strange... I should hate Doctor House but all I want to do is watch him for 8 seasons."

House looked down at the mangled form of a small orange pegasus filly with a shock of purple hair and tiny wings. Her body was twisted and turned, vital fluids leaking from numerous wounds that littered her chest and limbs. A heart monitor showed that her pulse was very weak and all around her nurses were hurrying about to try and save her life.

"What happened to her?" Doctor House asked. 

"A freak weather system descended upon her while she was skipping in a field," Nurse Redheart stated. "She was caught in a cyclone and thrown 30 yards into a grove of trees. She has shrapnel near her heart and internal bleeding. It is a miracle she's alive."

"Who the heck skips through a meadow?" House asked.

"That is a very good question."

Nurse Redheart brushed a few strands of hair out of the filly's eyes. "Is there anything we can do to save her, doctor?"

"Of course there is!" House exclaimed in annoyance. "We can rebuild her."

"Rebuild her?"

"Better. Stronger. Faster. We have the technology. Isn't that right. Doctor Robotnik?"

A large, egg-shaped pony doctor nodded, his overly large mustache bobbing as he nodded in agreement. "Yes... and when she is turned into a cyborg I will use her to get rid of those hedgehogs that are infesting my garden!"

"...on second thought, let's use magic."

"Wow... this is weird."

~MC~MC~MC~

"What was that Twilight?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"I said your story was weird."

"Why do you say that? I recently read an article in the latest edition of The Canterloter that talked about how science is progressing much faster than most ponies realize. There was this one stallion who thought that within 15 years we will be able to surgically implant metal horns and wings on ponies to give them all the abilities of an alicorn. The techs were a little shaky but...Twilight, why are you staring at me like that?"

Twilight's jaw hung loose, eyes nearly popping out of her skull. "You... read that article?"

"Well yeah!" Dash stated. "What's the big deal?"

"You... you hate to read!"

"No, I used to hate to read. And that was mainly because I found most books too pedestrian for my tastes."

Twilight tried to wrap her mind around this new information. "This... this makes no sense! You are a jock, not a nerd!"

"I'm both... I just don't rub ponies' noses in it."

"But... but you dropped out of flight school!"

Rainbow Dash nodded, giving Twiight a incredulous look. "Uh, I kinda had to if I wanted to attend Hoofard. I mean, I wasn't going to be able get my doctorate if I was focused on my flying all the time. Why do you think I have to work so hard to get into the Wonderbolts?"

"You... you have a doctorate?"

The cyan mare stared at Twilight like she had lost it. "Of course I do! I am the head of the weather team, Twilight... do you really think Princess Celestia would trust the weather of a town, even one as small as Ponyville, to a high school dropout?" Dash gave her friend a smug smile. "I am Doctor Rainbow Danger Dash. I have a PhD in weather sciences and a minor in aerodynamics."

If one could have looked inside Twilight's brain at that moment, they would have found all the gears and electrodes shutting down one by one as her systems tried to reboot.

"Now then, back to my story..."

~MC~MC~MC~

"Scootaloo, can you hear me?"

The orange filly weakly opened her eyes and stared at the kind doctor who was kneeling down next to her. His mane was white and puffed up a bit and he had a snowy goatee that encircled his mouth. 

"Who... who are you?" she asked.

The doctor smiled. "I am Doctor Gene Splice. Do you know what happened to you?"

"There... there was a storm..." Scootaloo whimpered as her wings twitched and sent a jolt of pain through her body. "I... I don't remember anything..."

"You were badly hurt, Scootaloo. The doctors fear you may never walk again." The filly began to cry and Splice hurried to comfort her. "But Scootaloo, there is hope. I was commissioned by Princess Celestia to begin creating a new breed of pony. As you know, each of the different breeds of pony have their own special abilities: pegasi can fly, unicorns can do magic, and earth ponies possess great strength. But Celestia wishes to create a fourth type: a pony who's special ability is awesomeness."

"You're joking."

"Nope."

"That... makes no sense."

"Who is the doctor here, me or you?"

"...fine."

"We selected you to be the first test subject. We believe that by injecting you with pure awesome sauce (patent pending) your body will realize it is too cool to be paralyzed and will heal itself."

"That... sounds amazing."

"So you will do it?"

"Of course!"

Splice nodded. "Good, because we already put you in the machine."

"What?" Scootaloo exclaimed, finally realizing that she had been laying in a metal capsule. Doctor Splice moved back and slammed the hatch down, locking her in. 

"We are going to inject you with some rich, delicious awesomeness that was donated to us." Splice began to turn some nozzles and Scootaloo let out a cry of pain as pure awesome was injected into her bloodstream. "We are at 15% awesome.... 20% awesome... 25% awesome!"

Princess Celestia, who had been observing the test from a shielded viewing room, nodded her head in approval. "Doctor, you have done very well. This will be a new day for ponykind."

"Thank you, princess, for your faith in my research and, more importantly, the concentrated awesome you gave us. If I may ask, who was the donor?"

"A pegasus by the name of Rainbow Dash..."

"ARRRRGGHHH!" Scootaloo screamed, the chamber she was in beginning to buckle.

Splice grew frantic. "No... Rainbow Dash is the most awesome pony in Equestria! My procedure was never designed for that much awesome to be put in a pony-"

The chamber burst open and Scootaloo leapt out. But it was not the weak, broken filly that had been placed in there that emerged. No, Scootaloo now stood as tall as the princess and her body was filled with huge pulsing muscles. Her coat was now an emerald green and she roared as she spread her massive wings.

"SCOOT SMASH!" Scootaloo bellow, grabbing a desk and throwing it at a window, using the opening to make her escape.

"Scootaloo... a normal filly till she was bombarded with awesome. Now, whenever she is around awesomeness a startling metamorphosis occurs.  The monster is fueled by coolness, transforming whenever she is around too much awesome. She is must keep moving, town to town, as she seeks to find a way to control the beast within..."

Scootaloo, now once more a small orange filly, slowly hitchhiked down the road. Several pegasi flew overhead but she did not look up. Her body was healed but she could never risk flying again... it would be too awesome. 

Her destination was Ponyville, where she hoped she could live in peace in a boring, totally uncool town. 

Sadly, one Rainbow Dash had-

"Nope, sorry, that's enough."

~MC~MC~MC~

"Come on Twilight, I was just getting to the good part!" Dash complained.

"I want to see the accreditation of the school that gave you a PhD!" Twilight snapped. 

"You saying I'm not smart enough to be a doctor?"

"Not after that story!"

Rainbow huffed in annoyance. "Hey, it makes sense! That's why I can't show Scoots too much love or attention... if she is near my awesomeness she will transform!"

"Your story is a lie, Rainbow Dash," a voice called out.

Twilight and Rainbow Dash turned, eyes going wide as Princess Celestia strolled into the cyan pegasus' living room.

"For I know the true origin of Scootaloo... and it is time for Twilight to know it!"
> Princess Celestia
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"What is this place?" Twilight asked, looking around the dark wing of the library. Twilight had always prided herself on knowing every inch of the library (having studied it thoroughly while other unicorns were doing silly things like developing social skills) and she swore she had never seen this room before. Yet everything within fit perfectly with the architecture. The only main difference was the great door that sealed the wing off from the rest of the royal library and the fact that not a single window dotted the wall.

"This wing holds many banned texts," Celestia said softly, the glow of her horn guiding the way through the darkened shelves. "Within this room are works that have inspired great crimes and tell of dark spells. Only a few eyes have gazed on these lost works and it is sad that some ponies have gone mad reading the words written on the many pages that fill these shelves."

"...eeeeeeeeeee!" Twilight squealed like a filly as a Joustin' Beaver concert. 

"Yes," Celestia said dryly. "Now then, I have brought you here because of your search for the origins of Scootaloo."

"You aren't going to tell me she is a toy, are you? Because Tydal and that crazy human already tried that."

Celestia blinked. "Crazy human? Which one?"

"The blonde one with the beard… he kept complaining about something called TVTropes?”

"Ah, Discord’s father. I hadn’t realized he was around… I would have invited him for brunch.” Twilight didn’t have time to ask Celestia what THAT meant. “Well, don't worry my faithful student, I am not going to tell you Scootaloo is a toy." Celestia paused, lighting a candle and pulling out a large tome from a shelf. "I am afraid her origin is much darker than that." Celestia flipped through the pages of the book. "You know much about the war with Discord and how Luna and I used the Elements of Harmony to defeat him because he refused to pay Luna back child support. What you do not know is that there were ponies that sided with him… the reasons why are lost to history and even I do not know their thought process, but the fact remains that there were ponies that stood against us and with Discord."

"Wait, what do you mean, child support?"

"After Discord was imprisoned these ponies were sent to live in towns or 'districts' where they could be observed carefully." Celestia lowered her head. "I wish I could allow them into Equestria but they cannot be trusted, even now that many years have gone by and many generations have been born. It is safer to keep them isolated in crummy houses where their hate can fester instead of bringing them here and treating them nicely."

Twilight frowned. "Can we go back to the child support thing? Because I've been hearing rumors-"

"I am ashamed to admit this next part, Twilight... but you deserve to hear the truth." Celestia cleared her throat. "The noble houses of all three tribes of ponies demanded that the traitors be punished for siding against us. Thus, every 10 years, we hold the Starving Games."

"The what now?" Twilight said (she had been looking to see if there was a book on alicorn genealogy). 

"The Starving Games. 2 tributes from each district are gathered and all of them are pitted against each other in an arena. The winner is allowed to move to Equestria, for they have shown they are strong and noble."

"And what happens to the others? Do they go back to their districts?"

"Well... parts of them do."

"...EWWWWW!" She scrambled back from her mentor/potential aunt in horror. "You have mares and stallions fight to the death for sport?"

Celestia laughed. "Of course not! Twilight don’t be absurd!"

"Whew!"

"We use children."

~4 Years Ago...~

"Welcome, my fellow Equestrians! I'm Fancy Pants."

"And I am Prince Blueblood!"

"And welcome to the 99th annual Starving Games!" 

The two ponies were seated above a cheering crowd that had lined the streets of Canterlot in order to watch the festivities. Many of them were waving banners or holding up foam hooves that listed the district they were cheering for. It was a festive atmosphere and all the ponies were cheering and waving their arms and generally acting like morons.

"Yes, it is hard to believe but 10 years had come and gone and it is time to watch children brutally murder each other! I know I’m excited and I am sure all of you watching are too! And, it goes without saying, we are horrible, horrible ponies!"

Blueblood nodded. "Indeed, but hey, at least we are jolly about it!"

"That is true.” Fancy Pants turned to watch the parade of tributes as they rode down the street in parade floats (followed by giant balloons shaped like Celestia and several marching bands… oh, and the Shriners were there too!). “We can now see all the fillies and colts that will be fighting each other coming down the street, leading this horrible Parade of Death. Now, the talk of the Games is a young filly named Scootaloo. She ruffled some feathers-"

"No pun intended!" Blueblood laughed.

"-when she bailed on her district and joined District 13. Many feel that she only did that to better her chances of surviving, since District 13 already is overloaded with superstars."

"That's right, Fancy Pants. Of course, it didn't help that she announced her choice via the controversial 'The Decision' program."

Fancy Pants nodded. "That is right. Oh, there is Scootaloo now!"

The orange filly in question was riding in a chariot being pulled by castrated royal guards (but hey, at least they weren't fighting other ponies for the pleasure of others). She was dressed in a brilliant black dress with peacock feathers and sequins lining the edges.

"Wait a minute... the royal guards are castrated?"

"Yes. Time honored tradition. Cadence was quite upset when she found out."

"Why would she... oh."

"There you have it, folks," Fancy Pants said as the last float turned towards the stadium that would be holding the contest. "Those are your tributes for the 99th edition of the Starving Games. They may be wearing the finest garments-"

"Supplied by Rarity's Boutique in Ponyville.” Blueblood said. “Rarity's: If you could only pick one dress to wear before you went off to brutally murder colts and fillies, make it a Rarity!"

Fancy Pants nodded. "Yes indeed and I cannot stress enough... we are all horrible, horrible ponies."

"Truly horrible," Blueblood echoed.

"Some of us more horrible than others."

"I know what you are referring to and I will remind you that they never proved that hooker wasn't already dead before she got in my bathtub."

"...that really doesn't make things any better, Prince Blueblood. In fact it makes it a lot worse."

"Princes Celestia, I'm confused."

~MC~MC~MC~

"Why, whatever about, Twilight?" Celestia said softly, flipping to the next page of the book, which depicted Scootaloo riding through the streets of Canterlot.

"You make it sound like these Starving Games are well known... but why have I never heard of them? I mean, I've lived in Canterlot my entire life!"

"Oh, there is a perfectly reasonable answer to that..."

~MC~MC~MC~

Spike slowly walked up to his friend, nudging her gently. They were in Twilight’s bedroom, a mountain of books surrounding them. "Twilight, don't you want to go outside and watch the parade? Moondancer said there would be tributes... I assume she meant tribute bands. You think they'll have a Crazy Moonwalker tribute?"

Twilight shook her head in annoyance. "Spike, I don't have time to worry about tribute bands or parades! I found this spell that turns blue sweaters red and I need to master it!"

"But... but you don't even wear sweaters!"

"I don't right now, but you never know!"

~MC~MC~MC~

Twilight huffed. "That spell was an important one, no matter what Spike says."

Celestia merely smiled.

"So, you are telling me that Scootaloo was a tribute in a 'game' where fillies and colts killed each other for sport?"

"Indeed. I am not proud of it and I hope by the time the next set of games are scheduled to begin Luna and I can get them outlawed."

"So I am assuming Scootaloo won the game, since she isn't, you know, dead."

"Well..."

Twilight's eyes widened. "You don't mean she's a zombie, do you? Because Spike will never let me live it down if she is."

Celestia laughed. "No, no... it's just that Scootaloo won in a... clever way..."

~MC~MC~MC~

Scootaloo panted hard. It had been a grueling 5 days and every muscle in her body  had protested at some point. Her stomach felt like it was going to collapse upon itself and her flank was covered in cuts and burns. She could feel the blood and mud drying on her hooves and her rattled, sleep deprived mind churned with memories of all the fillies and colts that had died playing the Starving Games. The battles had been brutal (especially after District 9 got those mech walkers) and Scootaloo wondered if she would be able to survive her wounds even if she did win.

Only she and another pony, a buff, rude pegasus filly named Ann Tagonist, remained. The two were staring each other down, waiting for the other to make a move. Scootaloo wore a set of wing blades while Ann was sporting a nasty looking mask that had a buzz saw attached to it.

"You can't win," Ann said with a laugh. "I am going to kill you. Then I am going to skin you. Then I am going to use that skin to make cheap imitation wallets."

"No chance. If I’m made into a wallet it is going to be a classy one," Scootaloo said sternly, never letting her eyes leave her opponent. "I've already won."

"And how do you figure that?"

"Because before we entered the arena, I bribed the refs."

Ann only had a second to blink in confusion before a ref appeared from behind a bush and shot her in the head.

"There you have it!" Fancy Pant called out. "Using a little known move known as 'cheating'  Scootaloo has managed to win the 99th annual Starving Games."

"Well... that was anticlimactic."

"Sorry, but that is how it went."

"So then Scootaloo came to Ponyville?"

"Of course! As her prize for being the best serial killer, Scootaloo was allowed to leave her distract and live with civilized ponies!"

“Civilized… sure…”

It had been two days since Scootaloo had won the Starving Games and now she was in her new home town of Ponyville, meeting many of the fillies and colts that would be her classmates.

"Hi, I'm Sweetie Belle!" the white unicorn said happily, running over to great the new arrival. "My mommy and daddy were cheering for you when you were slitting all those little ponies' throats. You want to be friends?"

Scootaloo grinned just a bit too widely. "Of course! I would love nothing more than to be friends with one of the ponies who supported the brutal competition that forced me to murder innocent fillies and colts, all of which has left me scarred for life."

"....cool!" Sweetie Belle exclaimed in glee.

~MC~MC~MC~

"And that, Twilight Sparkle, is the secret origin of Scootaloo."

The unicorn scratched her head. "I... I don't know what to believe. I mean, you have this book that supports everything you said..." Twilight looked down at the tome, flipping through several pages. Before Scootaloo’s section there were entrees all the other 98 winners of the Starving Games, each one regressing in detail till the first entry was little more than a stick drawing.

"Twilight, I have never lied to you," Celestia said.

"You just withheld information and told me to go make friends when Nightmare Moon was coming."

Celestia grimaced. "Yeah. But listen to me, my faithful student... you are like family to me... I would never lie to you."

"When you say family..."

"Now I will send you back to Ponyville, secure in the knowledge of Scootaloo's origins."

"Do you think of me like daughter or a cousin... or as your niece because I'm really Luna's daughter?"

"Goodbye Twilight," Celestia said, her horn glowing as she sent the unicorn warping back to the Ponyville library. 

She managed to last 10 seconds before she burst into laughter.

"I take it the prank was a success?" Luna asked, trotting into the wing with Tydal and Cadence close behind.

"It better, with how much I spent!" Celestia said. She closed the book she had commissioned to have created and made a mental note to have it moved to her private study as a souvenir of her best prank yet.

"I can't believe you had them build a whole new wing to the royal library just for your gag," Cadence said.

Luna nodded. "And only in 7 hours... that is quite a feat."

"Indeed," Celestia said. "It cost quite a bit to get this all built in such a short amount of time. Equestria is bankrupt now but at least I managed to pull a prank on Twilight."

"It is a family tradition," Cadence said.

Celestia turned to Tydal. "By the way, I'm going to need to borrow about 10,000,000 bits to cover our nation debt for the year..."

"Of course you do," Tydal grumbled.


> Scootaloo
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Here comes the pegasus!" Twilight said, levitating the protein supplement pouch towards Rollypolly's armor hatch. "Open wide!" 

"Twilight... that is really creepy," Spike said as he nibbled on his emerald.

It had been little over a day since Twilight had learned from Princess Celestia about Scootaloo's violent past. While the unicorn was horrified by the actions the pegasus filly had taken to survive the brutal game, the fact that Twilight now knew the truth helped ease her soul. Truth-knowing always helped ease the burden of pain (like finding out her grandma hadn’t really died but had been shipped north to live on a farm where she could frolic and play). She had been able to return to her studies and avoided crazy stories since then. Best of all, no tables had been harmed in nearly 24 hours.

"Hey, you didn't find it creepy when I did this for you." Twilight tapped her chin. "Maybe I should get out those baby pictures-"

"NO!" Spike cried out in an utter panic.

"Rollypolly wishes to see baby pictures of big brother Spike Dragon!" 

"I will short-circuit your armor so fast..." Spike threatened, waving a spoon at the alien.

"Mama Sparkle! Mama Sparkle!" the dalek cried in fear, trying to roll behind the unicorn and hide from the enraged baby dragon.

KNOCK KNOCK!

"Spike, play nice." Twilight said, heading towards the door. Throwing it open, she blinked then looked down, staring in surprise at her visitor. 

"Hi Miss Sparkle!" Scootaloo said happily. "I came to see if you had the new Where's Wandero book."

Twilight wrapped her front legs around Scootaloo and gave her a tight hug. "Oh Celestia, you have no idea how great it is to see you!"

"... I need an adult."

The unicorn frowned. "Why? I'm an adult." She set the pegasus filly down and began to ramble. "Listen, I am really sorry that everypony in Equestria made you fight and kill other little ponies for our own twisted enjoyment but I swear I am going to get them to outlaw the Starving Games so you don’t have to train other ponies to murder each other and I can tell from the way you are looking at me that you don't understand a word I just said."

"... I need an adult."

Twilight lowered her head, tears stinging her eyes. "Even the Princess was screwing with me."

Scootaloo frowned. "I thought you were dating Rainbow Dash."

The unicorn looked longingly at her table.

~Twenty Minutes Later...~

"Wow," Scootaloo said in surprise, glancing over at Twilight, who had just laid out all the trauma she had gone through over the course of the last few days. "I can't believe everypony thinks I am that awesome. This is so cool!"

"Cool isn't the word I would use for it," Twilight complained. The librarian sighed in frustration, kicking a rock down the dirt path the two of them were walking down (Twilight had realized pretty quickly that she would never be able to have a peaceful conversation with Scootaloo in the library, what with Rollypolly and Spike 'playing' loudly in the background). "I can't believe Princess Celestia pranked me too! I mean, we always had a good relationship, built on trust!"

~2 Years Ago~

Celestia looked at her faithful student’s letter. “Hmm… so Twilight found out that Nightmare Moon is being released… I could offer her support, maybe some of my guards to help her through the Everfree… or I could just send her off to Equestria Asylum, aka Ponyville…”

~MC~MC~MC~

“Dear sister, should thee not give Twilight Sparkle a gift for freeing…uh…we?”

“You’re right Luna… how about a ticket to the Grand Galloping Gala?”

“The what now?”

Celestia frowned. “Oh, that’s right, you were on the moon when I created that. The Gala is the most boring event ever and Twilight will hate it! Oooo, and I will give her one spare ticket and make her friends fight over it!”

“Why would you do that?”

“Because I’m bored.”

“…we will accept thy answer.”

~MC~MC~MC~

Shining Armor removed his helmet, setting it down by his hooves. “Far be it from me to question your decisions, Princess… but why are you sending my sister to fight a dragon when the entire Equestrian Army is at your beck and call?”

“…Shining, have you met my nymphomaniac niece Cadence? She’s double jointed.”

“I retract my previous question.”

~MC~MC~MC~

Celestia carefully held up her tweezers. “Hold still Philamena… you need to look really pathetic when Twilight and her friends see you!”

The phoniex wheezed in pain.

~MC~MC~MC~

“…ok, so maybe we don’t have the greatest relationship…”

Scootaloo frowned. “I think you are missing a bunch of them.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Yes you are… what about-”

“-leaving Discord out even though a bunch of fillies and colts were going to be around him and could break his seal?” Twilight snapped.

Scootaloo grimaced. “Ok, never mind.” The two of them continued on in silence for a few more minutes before the pegasus filly spoke up. "It isn't that bad, Twilight. I think towards the end everypony just wanted to take part in the fun. Heck, they probably thought you were in on it."

"But I wasn't... that's the problem."

The orange filly remained upbeat even in the face of Twilight’s depression. "Hey, at least you got to hear some cool stories! I'm gonna go visit Rainbow Dash after this... do you know where I can buy some wash-away green paint?'

"Quills and Sofas. They are running a special."

"Why are they selling paint now?"

"Why did they decide to sell sofas and quills?" Twilight shot back. 

The two of them walked along in silence for a while. Twilight was wondering just why fate had decided to make her its whipping pony while Scootaloo was already planning on buying a Mare-Do-Well costume for Nightmare Night. They continued down the dirt road but, instead of forking left towards Ponyville's main street, Scootaloo turned right.

"Uh, Scootaloo? Where are we going?"

The filly grinned. "I figured since you went to so much trouble to find out about me that you deserved to know the truth."

"Really?" Twilight whispered in awe. "You're really going to show me all your secrets? Where you live? Your secret powers? You're real name? I get to finally know all of it?"

"...might want to lower your expectations a tad."

(Author's Note: That goes for you readers too)

After another 20 minutes of walking Scootaloo had stopped and turned to face Twilight. "Well... this is my house!"

Twilight had been living in Ponyville for over 2 years and had come to expect certain oddities when it came to houses. After all, her friends lived in an old barn house, a boutique that looked like a circus tent, a rustic cottage filled with animals, a pink bakery, and a cloud mansion. She herself lived in a hollowed out tree. She'd also stayed in a royal castle, seen ponies who lived in houses shaped like different sweets, and even been to the giant sandcastle that Lord Tydal and the capricorns of the Mareatine Bay called home (of course, most sandcastles didn’t have the heads of Door-to-door salesponies mounted on spikes out front…).

But nothing had prepared her for Scootaloo's house.

It was a two-story log cabin, built from trees gathered from the Everfree. There was a small bed of wild flowers out front and a porch swing sitting next to the door. A short sidewalk curved away from the house and led to the side of the road, where a plain red mailbox sat. 

In a word... it was ordinary.

"Pretty cool, huh!" Scootaloo said with pride.

Twilight blinked. "Wait... is this just a front house?"

"Uh, all houses have fronts and backs. How else would the roof stay up?"

Twilight shook her head. "No, I mean the house is a fake, right? You walk up to the door, press a secret button and it takes you down to your hidden sub-terrainian base with spy gadgets and fast cars and doomsday weapons... right?"

"Nope," Scootaloo said with a smile. "But I'll mention that to my dad! I bet her could whip something up!" Before Twilight could response the filly was racing towards the house. "Mom! I'm home!"

"Scootaloo?" A pegasus the color of fine red wine stepped out of the house, her large wings twitching slightly as she made her way towards her daughter. Scootaloo's mom looked to Twilight like a blend of Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy: her long powder blue mane hung down nearly to her hooves and her slim, sleek body spoke of a mare who worked hard to keep herself at her peak. Scootaloo's mom turned to hug her daughter, revealing her flank to Twilight, which was adorn with a cutie mark in the shape of a black cocktail dress with several cameras around it.

"Hi mom!" Scootaloo said, shrugging off the saddle bag she wore.  "I got my book and Twilight Sparkle, that's the librarian and the unicorn that is looking at us like she expects you to be a robot or something, wanted to meet you!"

The mare blinked before flashing a smile that rivaled Celestia's sun. "Well, it is great to meet you. You're Sweetie Belle's mother, right?"

Twilight shook her head. "Uh no..." (her genealogy was screwed up enough without making her Sweetie Belle’s mother).

"Moooommmm!" Scootaloo whined. "You're thinking of Rarity and she is Sweetie's sister!"

The maroon mare laughed softly, her lyrical voice bouncing about the trees. "Oh, I am so sorry! Scootaloo tells me so much about her friends but I get confused all the time, what with all the names." The mare held out her hoof. "My name is Graceful Wind. Nice to meet you, Twilight."

"Nice to meet you too," Twilight said, giving the pegasus a weak smile. When the two pegasi shot her a confused look Twilight rubbed the back of her head. "Sorry, you're... just not what I expected."

"And what were you expected?" Grace asked politely.

"Aliens, superheroes, time travelers..." Twilight noticed the looks she was getting and lowered her head, a blush nearly as red as Grace's coat coloring her cheeks. "Sorry... your family is kind of the talk of the town right now."

Grace nodded. "That doesn't surprise me." She led Twilight into the house, which was decorated to reflect the forest that sat near by. The chairs and couches were made of fine oak with soft cushions on them that made a pony want to curl up and read a good book in front of the fireplace, lit or not. The walls were decorated with paints of ducks in flight and a bear trying to grab a fish from a river. "I don't suppose you recognize me."

"Sorry; should I?"

Grace laid down on the couch, Scootaloo joining her and playfully rubbing her head against her mother's large wings. "Depends on what circles you are a part of. Back in the day I was quite the talk of Canterlot and Manehattan, thanks to Photo Finish."

Something clicked in Twilight's head. "Wait a minute... I do remember you! You're that model... the one that was was the face of Sweet Scents' line of perfumes! My mom loved those!"

Grace chuckled. "Yes, that was me. And before that I was a model." The mare looked up, a slight smile forming as she looked back upon her past. "Oh, you would not believe the places I went or the ponies I saw. I must have traveled from one edge of Equestria to the other."

"Wow... I can't believe I am meeting a famous model. I mean, my friend Fluttershy was one for a while but..." Twilight shook her head, cutting off her own ramble. "Do you mind if I asked how you ended up living out here?"

Grace shrugged, tickling Scootaloo with her wing and making the filly squeal. "I'm sure your friend Fluttershy could tell you that being a model isn't all fun. Even those of us who have it as a special talent can find it rather boring. About 14 years ago, after a show in Canterlot, I decided to take a walk and got all turned around-"

"-when a big ugly stallion bumped into her." The three turned as an earth pony who was just a few inches taller than Twilight and Grace walked into the room. His coat was gold and adorned with a saw and hammer cutie mark. His crimson mane was cut so short that it barely stuck up past his ears and his tail was tied up with hemp rope much the same way Applejack's was.

"He was not ugly," Grace protested, reaching up to plant a kiss on the stallion's cheek. "And even if he was, I'd still love him anyway."

"Lucky me," the stallion said.

"Come on, no mushy stuff!" Scootaloo complained.

Grace turned back to the lavender mare. "Twilight Sparkle, this is my husband, Quick Cut."

"Nice to meet you," Quick said. His accent had traces of the drawl the Apple Family all possessed, but was tempered by years spent living with Grace. In fact, while Quick was more talkative and not as big as Applejack's brother, there was the dependability Big Mac had about this stallion that instantly made Twilight comfortable. "Honey?" Quick sniffed the air. "I think the oven is about ready to ding."

"Oh!" Grace quickly took the air, Scootaloo rolling off the couch and landing on her hooves. "Twilight, I'll be right back!" 

Scootaloo, despite having been displaced by her mother's getaway, was no worse for wear and seemed to be bubbling with excitement. "Hey Twilight, you want to see my dad's workshop?"

"If it's ok with him," Twilight said.

"Perfectly fine," Quick Cut said, leading Twilight through the house towards the back door.

"So Scootaloo, I didn't realize you were half earth pony."

"Half nothing!" Quick said with utter pride, leaning down and letting his little girl scramble onto his head and slide down to ride on his back. "Scootaloo is all earth pony!"

Twilight blinked. "But... the wings..."

Scootaloo beamed. "Aren't they just too cool? I get all the strength and endurance of an earth pony but I also get little wings so I can move really fast and hover!"

"Huh," Twilight said, realizing that being an earth pony would explain how Scootaloo had managed to survive the CMC. "Mr. Cut, I have to ask... why haven't we seen either you or Graceful Wind in Ponyville?"

Quick chuckled. "Mostly because we are home bodies. Grace got tired of traveling after the days as a model and I've never been one for big city living." Twilight's brow furrowed; no pony had ever called Ponyville a 'big city'. "Besides, Grace and I are busy with our jobs, so we rarely have a chance to get out of the house even if we want too."

"What do you do?" Twilight asked as they stepped outside. The yard was large and spacious and Twilight spotted a jungle gym, a swing set, and several ramps for Scootaloo to practice her scooter tricks. The back of the yard was dominated by a large barn that was nearly the size of the house.

"Grace works as a consultant for modeling firms. They send her photos of potential models and she helps them figure out if the girls have the right look and which photographer would work best with them."

Twilight frowned. "Wait... get mail? Why doesn't Derpy Hooves know you then?"

"Derpy?" Quick asked.

Scootaloo fielded that question. "She's the mailmare for Ponyville, dad. Remember, I've told you about her daughter Dinky?"

"Oh, right!" Quick said cheerfully. "Technically our area code is in Trottingham, so we get our mail from there. A pain in the flank but what can you do? At least we are close enough to Ponyville to get Scootaloo into the elementary."  Quick Cut opened the door to the barn and led Twilight inside. "Now, as for what I do, I think it should be pretty obvious: I'm a carpenter."

"You're more than that, dad!" Scootaloo said with pride. "My dad makes furniture for all the rich ponies in Canterlot and Manehattan."

"Well, not all of them, but a good number. My pieces are quite in demand, which is why I can't really take a day off." Quick glanced at his daughter. "Though, I think I will get spending more time in Ponyville soon."

"Really?" Scootaloo asked. "That is so sweet!" Scootaloo began to talk all about what she would show her dad when he came to town.

"Why is that?" Twilight asked.

Quick reached over to flick on the light. "Mayor Mare commissioned me to build a bunch of furniture. Darnedest thing... never had an order for the same piece before."

The lights came on and Twilight's pupils shrank to pinpricks as she gazed upon the workshop, filled from one wall to the next with her mortal enemies.

"Tables! Don't know why all of them are broken in Ponyville-"

BANG!

Scootaloo looked down at Twilight's unconscious form. "She fainted!"

Quick nudged Twilight's foreleg. "She did... something must have spooked her..."

"Ok everypony, who wants brownies?" Grace called out. 









The End?






















~In Another Place, Another Time, and Another Universe Entirely...~

"Gah!"

The mare sat up in bed, blinking her eyes as she adjusted to the darkness. Her husband grumbled and reached over, flicking on the light.

"Moonie, what's wrong?"

Nightmare Moon shook her head. "I had the strangest dream, Discord... Twilight was going around, wanting to find out the secret origin of Scootaloo."

"You don't say," Discord stated, snapping his fingers and summoning a pair of reading glasses.

"Yeah... all the origins were parodies of famous movies and TV shows... and Cadence was insane and you were a statue... your dad was hanging out with this gray mare with weird eyes... Celestia was ruling this kingdom and all any pony did was talk about friendship…I'd been trapped on the moon for a thousand years..."

Discord chuckled, wrapping an arm around the night goddess. "Sounds like some dream. I had one the other night that I was an innkeeper in this crazy little town in Vermont.”

Nightmare just stared at him. "Go to sleep, Bob.”

“Discord.”

“Whatever.”

Nightmare clicked off her lamp, as did her husband, and the two settled back into bed.

"WAAA! WAAA!"

Discord and Nightmare Moon looked at each other. 

"The baby's up," Discord said dryly.

"I got her." Nightmare said, pulling herself out of bed and trudging to the nursery. Stepping inside, the wicked alicorn rolled her eyes in good humor as her little foal sobbed. "It's ok, Twilight, mama's here." 

Twilight Sparkle gurgled as her mother lifted her up, grabbing a bottle from the mini-fridge they kept in the room. The foal's little lips latched onto it and she happily suckled as her mother rocked her back and forth with her magic. 

"Come on, let's have a bed time story!" Nightmare said sweetly, pulling a book out from the shelf. "This one is called 'The Amber Apple’." Nightmare cleared her throat but before she could begin she spotted something lying on the ground. "Oops..." Sending out a tendril of magic, the dark alicorn grasped the orange stuffed pegasus doll and gave it to Twilight, who promptly spat out her bottle and clutched her dolly tight to her chest. "Can't have a story without Scootaloo, can we?"

Twilight cooed in agreement.