[Canceled] What if Discord's magic preyed on everypony's strengths instead of their flaws? Hilarity, arguments, and a dangerous breakdown or two, naturally.
Before he lost, he asked himself a question: what if your virtues went out of control, rather than your flaws? Perhaps if the heroes and villains weren't so clear-cut, the conclusion wouldn't be so inevitable. If nothing else, there would be some fun chaos along the way!
Can the main six find a way to undo Discord's magic, in spite of themselves and each other?
Disclaimer; I have been working on this for a while, and the writing at the beginning is not as good as the writing later. Hopefully it is not too great of an impediment to the story.
Alternate cover by sstwins! Unfortunately I couldn't use it since it compresses badly on fimfic, but still worth a look!
Google Docs version (contains unpublished/scrapped chapters and early drafts--if you're only interested in the finished product you can safely ignore this link)
The six ponies disembarked from the train, still visibly fatigued from their epic battle with the Corrosive Creature of the Caustic Caverns and its army of acidic assistants.
They all were too tired to say much. The big talk and the small had run its course on the train ride. A few farewells were exchanged and that was it.
Twilight waved goodbye to each of her friends as they all headed home. Spike was already fast asleep on her back as she left the train station. Twilight yawned loudly. After the grand adventure they had just been through, his convenient sleeping arrangements were more than a little enviable.
The walk to the library was uneventful; Twilight's hooves began to drag a little near the end, but the moonlight made it easy to see. She was at her door in no time at all. She dumped her bag on the floor, then went right upstairs and tucked Spike in. Normally her toothbrush, floss, and mouthwash would’ve been her next stop, but her bed drowned out every other thought. She made a mental note to admonish herself for skipping them later, and a separate mental note to add “self-admonishment” to her checklist tomorrow.
She let out another yawn and slipped under her covers, the smooth blankets so warm and comfortable. After spending all day obliterating poisonous monsters, perhaps anything would’ve been. Then they had to stop by Canterlot to put the Elements back in their vault. She hadn’t been able to sleep on the train, but the long day was finally over. Now she could let herself sink into the mattress and wait for sleep to take her.
Except, it didn’t.
The minutes slowly ticked by, and Twilight didn’t feel herself getting any closer to slumber.
One minute.
Two minutes.
Five minutes.
Ten minutes.
After fifteen minutes of fruitlessly laying there, Twilight flung her sheets aside. She lurched out of bed and went to get a glass of water. As she walked out of her kitchen she saw a shelf of books and a thought occurred to her.
Hmm…my brain must be processing all the things that happened on our trip. I just need to calm it down with some light reading.
She began to scan the shelves for a suitably boring book. She passed over several dictionaries and textbooks for being too interesting, and rejected a book on calculus for being too exciting. After a few minutes she found the perfect tome: Elementary Magic for the Educated Equestrian. It was a beginner’s guide to magic, published forever ago, designed to help self-learners who knew next-to-nothing about the delicate art of using their spark to manipulate the world around them. It was outdated, antiquated, and far below her skills. It was perfect.
She took it to one of the desks—didn’t want to wake up Spike after all—and opened it up to a random chapter.
Levitating Large Objects. Twilight laughed to herself a little as she remembered her own experiences with that particular subject. She began to read. The book's delivery reminded her in every way of one of her professors from her classes ages ago. Attempting to attend to the page was exactly like trying to stay awake in the face of his bland, never-ending drone of a voice. The blocky font even evoked his accent. The memory was so strong her eyelids immediately began to droop. She instinctively reached for a better read, as she had done during so many of his lectures.
Her hoof groping for a nonexistent bookbag and its copy of a more exciting textbook caused a thought to flit into her mind.
Why am I wasting my time with this when there’re so many spells I don’t know?
Well that was a silly notion. She just wanted to fall asleep, after all. Despite the initial dismissal, and against her better judgment, Twilight found herself growing attached to the idea. Something about it agreed with her, inexplicably. She went up to her room and grabbed her copy of Advanced-Level Magic: 3rd ed.
The purple pony knew she shouldn’t—she really should get to sleep—but as she cleared a space for the book and began reading, it just felt right. Twilight was the element of magic, after all! It was only proper that she know as many spells as possible.
And so she read, the night ticking on in the background.
Spike awoke to the sound of something sizzling in a pan and pulled off his covers to the smell of eggs and bacon and…sausage? Oh my!
He rolled out of his basket and went downstairs. Sure enough, there was a flurry of activity in the kitchen. There were also a bunch of books scattered across the floor.
Weird, Twilight usually is super strict about keeping those organized. Just as he finished thinking it, he stepped into the kitchen and saw a dozen pans, spatulas, knives, forks, spice jars, and other things floating about, making breakfast of their own volition, each surrounded by a lilac aura.
“Uhh…Twilight?”
“Over here, Spike!” Twilight was sitting at the kitchen table, a fork, plate, glass of juice, and three books all floating around her. The fork and knife were cutting up her omelet, then feeding it to her as her eyes darted from page to page.
Spike ducked under the cloud of kitchen supplies floating around and walked up to Twilight. “Okay, I give up. What’s going on?”
“Nothing, just practicing my multi-object levitation spells.” She didn’t look up from her book.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you do this many things at a time!”
“Yeah, I ran across the guide for it about three books ago and I—done!” she happily announced mid-sentence, tossing aside Complex Cantrips and Incantations: 5th ed. and summoning another thick volume from the stack behind her.
“Three books ago? Twilight, how long have you been awake?”
“All night. It’s not a big deal, though; I used a rejuvenation spell on myself after I figured it out a few hours ago.”
The various utensils stopped shoving food into Twilight’s mouth, and she got up from the table and walked into the foyer. She didn’t bother to look up from her book but navigated the piles of paper perfectly regardless.
“Twilight, shouldn’t you—”
“Don’t worry, Spike, there’s plenty left for you. I’ve got to get back to these. So many spells I still don’t know…” She trailed off, Spike’s concern already forgotten.
The studious student sat down in the center of a circular pile of various papers and books and continued reading.
Spike shrugged and left her there. Can’t be that big of a deal, he thought to himself. Just another one of her cram sessions, and, boy, those eggs smell good!
Spike finished breakfast at his usual indulgent pace, savoring every bite. Once he had stuffed himself on the unusually large breakfast Twilight had made, he went to see how she was doing. Her focused nature had gotten her in trouble before, so it couldn’t hurt to check on—
Hmm, was that pile of books that small when I left her here?
“Twilight, are you alright?”
“Yes, Spike, I’m fine.” She actually bothered to look up from her books for a moment. “But you know, I’ve been thinking.”
“About what?”
“All the great wizards and sorceresses and spellcasters have a nice big epithet to go along with their name.”
“A what?”
“You know, a surname, a bonus title; Starswirl the Bearded, Clover the Clever, Daybreak the Mighty. I realized, after all the things I’ve done, all the spells I’ve learned, I deserve one too.”
“Uhm, ok…like what?”
“How about Twilight Sparkle the Amazing? Or Brilliant? Or Brilliantly Amazing and Powerful. And Great! Yeah, Twilight Sparkle the Brilliant, Powerful and Great. Maybe something a little longer—can’t sell myself short.”
“Twilight, you’re great and powerful and all, but last time we were practicing you only knew twenty-seven spells, give or take. I mean, you’ve done great things and all, but—”
“Oh, Spike, weren’t you listening? I’ve been up all night learning new spells. Sure some are less useful than others, but now I know one-hundred-and-fifteen of them!”
“What!?”
“They’ve just all been so easy, Spike. It’s not like before where I had to practice, study, and be careful…now, I just read about it, and after a few tries it happens. I’m even more of a magical prodigy than I thought I was! Twilight Sparkle the Brilliant and Powerful!” She went back to reading. “Oooh, maybe I should add a new adjective for every fifty spells I learn? If I hurry, by lunch I could be Twilight Sparkle the Brilliant and Powerful and Beautiful and Amazing…”
Spike slowly backed away, inching towards the door.
“Well, gee that’s, uh, interesting, Twilight, but I just remembered I needed to ask somepony something about, I dunno, something.”
“Okey doke, have fun! I’ll be here if you need me.”
Spike made it out of the door and quickly slammed it behind him.
Okay, something is definitely wrong with Twilight. I better go find somepony to help, before this gets serious…
Not sure who that somepony should be, he thought for a moment, then ran off into town.
Applejack woke up feeling perfectly normal. She rolled over and glanced at her clock. The time was a slight surprise. Her family must’ve let her sleep in after all that carousing in the Caustic Caverns, and she had certainly needed it. She slid out of bed, took a quick shower, brushed her teeth, and finally grabbed her hat and went downstairs.
She didn’t see Big Mac or Apple Bloom around, but Granny Smith was putzing about the kitchen as she walked in.
“Mornin’, Granny.”
“Oh, g’mornin’, sleepyhead! How didja sleep?”
“Oh, alright. I really needed it after that battle with them corrosive whosits an’ their big, bad leader.”
“Well, we’re just glad you made it back safe. Big Mac figur’d you could use some extra rest, so he covered your mornin’ chores. An’ some leftover breakfast if’n you want it.”
“That sounds great, Granny! Thanks.”
Applejack sat at the table, and found a plate with a few slices of toast and a scrambled egg waiting for her, along with a glass of apple juice.
“Thanks, Granny, looks dee-liscious.”
Applejack dug in. Not the finest of meals, but it was still filling after everything she and her friends had been through yesterday.
“How was it?”
“Oh, fine. The eggs were a bit burnt and the toast was a little soggy, but it was fine.” She was taken aback by her own answer.
That was a bit rude, where’d that come from? she thought to herself.
If Granny Smith had noticed, she didn’t say anything. She continued doing the dishes as if nothing had happened. “By the way, I think Apple Bloom and her friends needed your help with somethin’ at their treehouse. They told me ta tell you soon as you woke up. An’ we also need some more flour from town.”
“Well, I’ll go pick some up after I check in on ‘em then. See ya later, Granny.”
AJ walked across the farm, still a bit perplexed by her uncharacteristically straightforward answer at breakfast.
I’m sure it’s nothin’. Just a little tired is all…
She strolled along the farm, trying to put the thought out of her mind. It was a beautiful day, and was all the more pleasant since there weren’t pools of acid everywhere, or critters throwing globs of it at her. She almost shuddered at the thought, but the Elements of Harmony had taken care of them right good. Now she just had to settle back into daily life at the farm until the next ridiculous adventure Celestia sent them on.
Her musings trailed off as she approached the clubhouse. She could hear the three fillies talking inside, no doubt working on some fresh scheme to get their cutie marks.
She climbed up the ramp and found Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle wearing goggles and masks. There were splotches of paint everywhere and anywhere. They had even managed to get some on the ceiling, somehow. A large white canvas sat on the ground, but from the entrance it was hard to tell if it was a casualty or a product of their activities.
“Howdy, y’all. What’s goin’ on up here?”
“Hi, Sis!” Apple Bloom leapt over to her. “We heard all about yer big ol’ adventure fightin’ them poisonous things!”
“Yeah, must’ve been exciting!” Scootaloo did a backflip to punctuate her point.
“Aw shucks, it weren’t no big… Well, I guess it was perdy cool. Anyway, what’re y’all doin’ up here?”
“Oh, we have a play coming up, and Miss Cheerilee said we could design the banner for it!”
“CUTIEMARKCRUSADERSBANNERDESIGNERSYAY!” the three fillies shouted in unison.
AJ blinked a few times and then flicked her ear a few times to make sure it still worked. “Well, that’s, uh, fine, but what exactly did y’all need me fer?”
“Well, we’ve got the basic design down, but we need you tell us how the painting’s going.”
“Miss Cheerilee told us that ‘feedback’ is key to any project’s success.” Sweetie Belle moved her hooves up and down as she pronounced the word.
“Uhm, ok…lemme see what ya got so far.”
They immediately went to the edges of their banner and lifted it up so AJ could get a better look at it. When it was finally in place it was unimpressive, to say the very least.
The three of them beamed while they waited for Applejack’s response, clearly proud of their progress.
A few moments passed noticeably.
“Well…?”
“Whaddya think?”
“Be honest with us!”
“It’s uh…” C’mon, Applejack, just let ‘em down gently, she thought to herself.
“Well, honestly…it’s terrible.” The beaming smiles were promptly replaced by shocked disappointment.
“What!? But we worked so hard on it!”
“Yeah, what’s wrong with it?”
“Well, the colors don’t match, the letters are uneven, I can’t read most of it, there’s paint splotches everywhere, the writin’ looks like a monkey ate a crayon and then threw up, your signature’s the same size as the title…”
Tears started to well up in the three fillies eyes. As they tried to wipe their faces, the admittedly terrible sign drifted to the floor.
“Applejack, why’re you bein’ so mean!?”
“I ain’t bein’ mean, I’m bein’ honest, and honestly, that is the worst sign I’ve ever seen. Y’all should just give up right now, cuz there is no way you’re gonna fix that mess.” She was answered by a burst of tears, and the three prospective painters all rushed down the ramp out of the clubhouse. Before she followed her friends, Apple Bloom turned to Applejack.
“Nice t’ know what ya really think of us!” she shouted before running off with the other two, tears still streaming down her face.
Applejack shrugged. “Well, they wanted honesty. Really, sometimes those three can be so fulla themselves.” Remembering the flour she had to pick up, Applejack climbed down the ramp herself, and she could hear a few echoed sobs as she began walking to town.
As Applejack trotted into downtown Ponyville, she couldn’t help but wonder about why they had gotten so upset.
They asked for honesty and I gave it to them, didn’ I? Yeah, they just overreacted is all… Honesty is the best policy. It must be.
Applejack wandered through the market, trying to find the flour merchant.
“Landsakes, main street’s busier than a beehive, and whoever planned out these stalls must’ve had a head fulla rocks…”
As Applejack was talking to herself, she felt a small something or other smack into her legs.
“Spike? Where’re you goin’ in such a rush? And why is your breath so gosh durn terrible?”
Spike recovered from his fall quickly. He opened his mouth to say something, but took a moment to check his breath first.
“Wait, what am I doing… Applejack! Thank goodness I finally found somepony!”
“What’s the matter?”
“It’s Twilight! She’s acting all…weird.”
“That overconfident egghead…what’s she done to herself this time?”
“I don’t know, but she’s acting really strange.”
Spike began to explain what had happened after he woke up, but as he was telling the story a blue streak shot out of the sky and slammed right into Applejack.
The two ponies tumbled across the street and smacked into a low wall.
“Rainbow Dash!? You direction’ly challenged maniac! Get offa me!” Applejack tried to push Rainbow off her, but the pegasus didn’t budge.
“Finally, I found one of you guys… I’ve been feeling really lonely ever since I woke up.” Rainbow gave Applejack a big hug. AJ struggled to her feet, and the living blue ornament made the act several types of awkward.
Applejack still felt as normal as she had when she woke up, but while she unsuccessfully tried to squirm out of Dash's grip, she realized that this wasn’t going to be a normal day.
Rainbow Dash was not having a good morning. From the moment she got up, she had felt off.
She woke up suddenly, which was odd in itself. Normally she took her time getting out of bed, shaking off sleep, doing her morning routine. Today it had been so abrupt, like something jolted her awake. As she sat up, her bed seemed impossibly large and empty. Was that what had woken her? She looked around and saw the mattress was the same size. Her house, however, struck her as far larger than usual. She tried to write it off as tiredness or something. After all, it had been a rather full day yesterday. Dodging tentacles, acid bubbles, and numerous other things would make anypony jittery for a bit, right?
The feeling refused to go away. Throughout breakfast, she could hardly focus on her food. Her home seemed incredibly cold, and every time she tried rubbing her arms to warm herself up, the feeling of her own body seemed so disturbing. Like her coat was dirty, or too dry, or far coarser than it should be. She finally abandoned her food halfway through and went to take a shower. The water felt nice, but the creak of plumbing didn’t quite hide the silence. The water drops and their echoes sounded so loud. It felt like her house was trying to run away from her, leave her vulnerable. It was just so empty.
The pegasus cut her shower short. After hastily drying herself, she ventured into town, certain some fresh air would clear her head.
The streets were empty this time of day, aside from a few ponies walking to other places. Dash couldn’t identify any of them, but she didn’t know her neighbors that well.
She began to fly in no particular direction, scanning the faces of every pony she saw. None of them were familiar, and as the list of ponies she had never seen before grew larger, she became mildly concerned. She knew a fairly large chunk of Ponyville. They had spent plenty of time fawning over her, after all. And yet she couldn’t name any of the ponies she passed by.
It’s just…a weird time of day, that’s all, she thought to herself. I bet they’re all…at the market. Yeah…the market!
She didn’t question her own train of thought and immediately flew towards downtown Ponyville.
Her flight was freezing. That was just altitude, though. It’s colder higher up. Even after flying lower, however, nothing seemed to change. When she tried to warm herself up by rubbing herself again, her body still felt inexplicably odd.
Finally, she made it to the town square. The marketplace bustled with ponies, and stalls peppered the area. The gentle hum of talking and the shuffling of hooves made her feel better, a reaction she couldn't really explain. She scanned the crowd, trying to find someone she recognized. Even after several minutes of searching, nopony popped out at her. Every one of them seemed like a stranger. It was unsettling. For the first time that day, Dash couldn’t write it off, and she started to panic.
Then she heard it. A voice she definitely knew. It was Spike talking to…somepony. It was faint but clear as day.
She tried to follow the noise, scan the mass of ponies, and finally she saw it: a big blotch of orange and an unmistakable ten gallon. The elation of recognition overrode her better judgment, and she shot towards Applejack. She rammed into the pony at nearly full speed, but it didn’t matter. The moment she made contact with Applejack’s body, she instantly felt better. The warmth of her skin, the feel of her hair, the way she was breathing: it was all such a contrast to the way she had felt all day.
They tumbled for a while and smacked into something, but Rainbow didn’t care. All that mattered was that she was with Applejack, her friend.
“Rainbow Dash!? You direction’ly challenged maniac! Get offa me!”
Rainbow felt hooves trying push her away, but she resisted. After several shoves, she finally took her face out of AJ’s chest.
“Finally, I found one of you guys… I’ve been feeling really lonely ever since I woke up.” That was it. She was lonely. She was not sure why it had taken so long to figure out, but it normally didn’t feel this way. Rainbow wrapped her arms around Applejack’s chest, giving her a large hug.
Spike watched as the two mares shuffled around a bit longer. Applejack tried to stand up and push Rainbow off of her, but Rainbow successfully resisted every attempt. They eventually rose off the ground, awkwardly.
“Well, uhm, that’s weird,” he muttered.
“Don’t just stand there, Spike! Help me!”
“What do you want me to do? She’s just hugging you.”
“She tackled me! And her breath is terrible! I ain’t exactly feelin’ affectionate right now!”
“Oh, right. Sorry about that, AJ, I was just happy to see you.” Rainbow was uncharacteristically sheepish as she explained herself.
Rainbow finally unclamped her hooves but kept one draped around Applejack, pressing their bodies together, oblivious to her friend's increasingly obvious discomfort.
Wow, AJ’s fur is really soft.
“Rainbow Dash, there’s this thing called personal space…”
Dash smiled confidently. “Oh, c’mon, you know you like me.”
“Well, of course I like you, but we can’t very well walk this way through all of town…”
“Why? Where are we going?”
“Somethin’ is wrong with Twilight. Apparently she’s gone on a studyin’ bender or somethin’, and Spike couldn’t find anyone else t’ help.”
“Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s go help her!”
“And we will, soon as ya take your hoof off me.”
“Oh, uhm, can’t I just leave it there?”
Applejack answered with a withering glare.
“Fine.” Dash reluctantly removed her foreleg. “Could we hold hooves, at least?”
“Well, that’s a perplexin’ an’ creepy question…”
“Pleeeeeeeease?”
The look in Rainbow’s eyes was genuinely forlorn. Applejack tried her best to remain irate, but as Dash continued to stare pleadingly at her, it quickly became impossible. With a heavy sigh, Applejack finally flung her hoof at the clingy crybaby. Rainbow let out a quiet squeal of joy and wrapped her hoof in Applejack’s.
Spike, who had been standing there, dumbstruck by the entire conversation, finally gathered his wits and started back towards the library.
“Geez, finally. Can we go now?”
“Lead on, ya impatient pipsqueak.”
“Yeah, impatient!” Rainbow parroted.
The three of them headed briskly to Twilight’s house, Applejack keenly aware of Rainbow’s hoof in hers the entire journey. All Rainbow noticed was how soft AJ’s coat seemed to be and how warm she was. She floated along happily, oblivious to her friend’s discomfort and the numerous looks from passerby.
They arrived quickly enough, and Spike gingerly cracked the door and peeked inside before waving the other two onwards.
As they entered, it was…actually surprisingly clean.
“Uhm, everything looks normal ‘round here, Spike. Cleaner than usual, even.”
“I don’t get it. When I left, Twilight was in the middle of a hoard of books…”
“Maybe she snapped out of it and cleaned up?” Dash offered.
“Maybe…”
They didn’t have time to wonder long. A few moments later Twilight Sparkle levitated into the room, a dense cloud of magical energy holding her aloft. Several very thick, ancient tomes floated about her.
“Uhm, Twilight, why are you floatin’?”
“Oh, I got tired of walking everywhere. Too much work.” She didn’t bother to look up from her books as she answered.
“Hi, Twilight! Can I have a hug?”
“Sorry, Dash. Busy.”
Rainbow’s ears drooped, and she began to inch back towards Applejack.
“Easy there, clingy. Bad enough I agreed to hold your sweaty hoof through half of Ponyville.”
Applejack turned to Spike, keeping Dash at bay with her hind leg as the pegasus tried to grab hold of her hoof again.
“What did you want me to do, Spike? Honestly, she doesn’t seem that much worse than her usual over-studious, lazy self.”
“I agree with Applejack!”
“You know I can hear both of you, right?”
“Lookie here, Twilight.” Applejack turned to face the unicorn, who still didn’t bother to look up from her reading. “I know a good book is a fine way ta pass the time, but don’t ya think this might be takin’ it a little too far? I mean, what about exercise? What about some sunlight? What about—”
“Don’t be absurd, AJ. Between my rejuvenation spell, my muscle toning spell, and this mental stimulation spell I’m working on, I’m in better shape than I’ve ever been!”
“Don’t you think relyin’ on all them spells is a mite dangerous?”
“You should listen to AJ, Twilight. Her advice has always been good before! She’s practically perfect in every way.” Rainbow had managed to cling to Applejack again without being noticed, and her comment prompted a withering glare from the earth pony. “So ponies say…” Dash turned away, scratched her cheek, but her backpedaling was as blatant as ever.
“Oh, don’t be silly—there’s no problem magic can’t solve if you apply enough of it.”
“Well, that’s an unsettlin’ sentiment—almost as unsettlin’ as the way Dash is caressin’ my coat!”
“Sorry, you’re just really soft…”
The two ponies had another minor row as Applejack tried to shove Rainbow away with limited success.
Meanwhile, Spike had been studying the large, leather-bound tomes scattered about the floor and floating around Twilight.
“Twilight, where did these books come from? They’re not from the library.”
“Oh, I got those from Canterlot.”
“What? When?”
“I dunno, I teleported there a little while ago.”
“You…teleported to Canterlot?”
“Yep.”
The statement stalled the scuffle as everypony present let it silently sink in.
In the midst of the calm, there was a series of loud thunks and bangs from the library basement, and, a few moments later, a dust-covered Fluttershy emerged at the top of the stairs.
“Fluttershy? What in tarnation are you doin’ here?”
“Oh, uh, I just… I ran out of things to do at my house, so I thought I’d stop by. I noticed the mess and thought I’d help out a bit. Twilight didn’t seem to mind…”
“So you cleaned the entire library? On a whim?” Rainbow scratched her head, clearly confused by the idea.
“Well, no, uhm, everything just seemed like it needed it. I couldn’t just leave it like that! All those books and papers everywhere, it was just so messy. Twilight obviously needed my help, and so I just volunteered. She seemed fine with it, really.”
“Right, I think I’m startin’ ta see a pattern here,” Applejack muttered.
“What?”
“Everypony has gone crazy.”
“Yeah, no kidding!” Dash draped her arm over AJ’s shoulders as she agreed.
“Oh, don’t be silly, AJ. Affection, loneliness, and amazing, powerful, and well-controlled magical ability are not the same as—” Twilight suddenly snapped one of her books shut. “Done!” she merrily interrupted herself, tossing the book aside. It made a loud THUNK on the floor as it landed, and in the blink of an eye she had already summoned a huge replacement.
“Oh, here, let me get that for you.” Fluttershy immediately picked up—well, dragged—the heavy book over to a shelf and slid it into place. She picked up a duster and brushed the shelf off before beaming at her handiwork. “There. All neat and tidy.”
Applejack looked around at her friends, Fluttershy dusting a bit too enthusiastically, Rainbow still clinging to her, and Twilight still lost in three separate books, and she got the distinct feeling that things were only going to get worse.
Fluttershy was not having a good night. It had started normally enough. She had brushed her teeth, made sure that all of her animals were fed and safe despite her prolonged absence, gotten in bed, and quickly fallen asleep. She was exhausted after all the things she and her friends had done, and the late hour only amplified that fatigue. Otherwise it was a run-of-the-mill bedtime routine.
Then one of her gerbils woke her up with his coughing. This wasn’t a big deal; it happened a lot. She went to check on the poor critter, refilled his water dish, and was all ready to get back into bed. As she was about to slide under her covers, however, something seemed off.
What if it wasn’t just a cough? She thought to herself. It seemed like just a dry throat, but what if it was the first stages of a cold? Or bronchitis? Or lung cancer!?
It wouldn't take that long to double-check, would it? She would never be able to forgive herself if something happened to one of her furry friends and she had been able to prevent it. So she dug up her thermometers, mirrors, gloves, and other veterinary equipment, and asked Mr. Gerbil to hold still while she inspected his throat and chest.
Twenty minutes later, she confidently declared him to have a clean bill of health, and sent him back off to bed. She turned to go back to sleep herself, but a thought occurred to her: what if that wasn't the only pet she needed to check? And it wasn’t just diseases; there might be a loose nail, or an uncorked bottle of something, or any number of other things lurking in her home that she had forgotten about. She didn’t want any of her friends getting hurt because of her negligence; she would never be able to forgive herself. She owed it to herself, and to them, to be thorough.
So she began to check for other things that might be amiss. Her house, her animals, her yard, she inspected it all, oblivious to the time or effort it took, dawn creeping ever closer as she worked…
After countless hours of dusting, sweeping, health checks, and light carpentry, she was finally certain that her house was in perfect condition. She sat down to breakfast; after a light snack she’d be free to catch up on the sleep she had missed. Throughout her entire meal, however, she could feel herself searching for more things that were awry. She had gone over her own house top to bottom, and rather than feeling content, calm, or at ease, she just felt restless, agitated, and uncomfortable. She knew she had checked every part of her house thoroughly. Why didn’t she feel better?
Somewhere in the middle of all of these reflections, a thought slipped through her mind.
If my house had this many problems, then what about everypony else’s?
It was a silly notion, of course. Her friends were perfectly capable of taking care of themselves. Weren’t they? What if they missed something? What if they dismissed some minor detail, and it got them injured later? She owed it to them to inspect everything. They were her friends, after all. Was that why she felt uneasy, because of concern for her friends?
She didn't remember exactly how she had wound up in Twilight's basement, sorting piles of old books, attacking everything she saw with a duster, and taping foam onto every sharp corner. Twilight hadn’t objected when she had walked in, or really reacted to her presence at all. It was a little odd, but that just meant she could help Twilight without anypony getting in her way. Yes, it made perfect sense. Twilight could study, and Fluttershy could fix everything for her. Everywhere she looked there were plenty of things wrong in the library. The dust was an allergen, the furniture’s corners could puncture a lung, all of those heavy books were just waiting to fall on somepony and injure them. The list only got longer the more she looked, but she owed it to Twilight to be thorough. She would never be able to forgive herself if she missed something.
The mistakes were so much easier to spot than in her own home as well. It seemed like she was done in no time at all. When she emerged from the basement, however, Twilight wasn’t alone.
“Fluttershy? What in tarnation are YOU doin’ here?”
“Oh, uh, I just… I ran out of things to do at my house, so I thought I’d stop by.”
Her answers to their questions were disjointed. She couldn’t focus on her words. Her friends were just so distracting. Both of the ponies were fairly dusty and sweaty, for starters. Rainbow Dash’s mane looked unkempt. AJ’s hat was in need of a good cleaning. Spike had seven different scales that needed to be scrubbed. She didn’t want to offend them, but they really needed her help by the looks of it.
Twilight tossed away the book she had just finished. The loud THUNK it made snapped Fluttershy out of her reverie.
“Oh, here, let me get that for you.” The book was heavy, but it was also a tripping hazard. Couldn’t very well leave it there. She dragged the book over to a shelf and wedged it into place, then used her duster to make sure no dust mites were tempted by it, or that it wouldn’t slip out of somepony’s hooves when they went to pick it off the shelf, or…
“Hey Fluttershy, can I have a hug?” Rainbow asked eagerly.
“Oh, of course!” Fluttershy carefully set aside her duster and then drifted over to her friend. While they embraced each other, Fluttershy took the opportunity to check Rainbow’s mane and coat for lice, ticks, fleas, and dirt. She found a fair bit of the latter.
“Rainbow, when was the last time you washed your mane?”
“Uhm, this morning?”
“You didn’t do a very good job. But don’t worry, I have just the thing in my bag!”
“Oh no you don’t,” Applejack interrupted, “we still haven’t gotten to the bottom of why you’re here.”
“Oh, uhm, I told you. I ran out of things to do at my house.”
“‘Ran out of things to do?’ All them critters at your house are needy fleabags! How’d you manage ta run out of chores?”
“Yeah, how’d you run out of chores with all those needy fleabags?” Rainbow parroted.
“Oh, well, I couldn’t sleep last night, so I ended up getting a lot of things done.”
“You haven’t slept?”
“Oh, of course not. How could I, after I realized how many animals and ponies needed my help? How many things I needed to check? How many safety hazards and problems there were in—”
“Slow down there, crazy. If ya haven’t slept yet, why’re ya so peppy? And why’re ya still cleanin’ things ‘stead of gettin’ some rest?”
“Oh, Twilight cast a spell on me!”
“And that didn’ strike ya as dangerous?”
“Of course not, she knows what she’s doing. You know, AJ, I’m noticing a lot of dirt on your hat, I could clean that for you…”
“Get offa me, ya neurotic nanny! I can handle maself!”
“Yeah, AJ can handle herself!” Rainbow chimed in.
“And as for you…” Applejack ignored Rainbow’s comment and turned back to the still-floating, still-reading Twilight.
They started arguing about something, but Fluttershy quickly tuned out of the conversation. She still had to wash Rainbow’s mane, inspect Spike’s scales, clean Applejack’s hat…
“You can’t just throw magic at every problem! Don’tcha remember what happened the last time you tried that? The entire town wound up chasing some doll, and Celestia had ta come down here to stop the mess you caused!”
“Twilight Sparkle the Omnipotent doesn’t need to take advice from someone like you, Applejack! And you’re hardly one to give advice about knowing your limits anyway!” Twilight actually bothered to look up from her book.
“Oh, you’re ‘om-ni-puh-tent’ now, are ya? If you’re so gosh darn omniputent then you should be able to see this won’t end well!”
“Yeah, I agree with AJ!” Rainbow added helpfully.
“Would you two get offa me? I’m tryin’ to be honest with this arrogant unicorn!” Applejack shooed away the two pegasi.
Fluttershy was clearly eyeing AJ’s hat. “Oh, but Applejack, it’s just such a germ hazard. If you’d just let me—”
Twilight snapped her books shut, all three of them, and the noise quickly caught everypony’s attention. She hovered up the stairs toward her room, pausing at the top.
“Spike, I’ll continue my studies in my room. Please show Applejack out. And tell her that if she’s ready to apologize for underestimating me after she’s done checking on Pinkie Pie, then I’ll be waiting for her.” She floated the rest of the way into her study and slammed the door shut telekinetically.
“Pompous egghead,” Applejack muttered to herself.
“What did she mean about Pinkie Pie?” Rainbow asked.
As if in answer to the question, there was a loud, rumbling explosion and an unmistakable flash of pink light. Fluttershy yelped at the noise, ducking behind Spike despite the three blotches of scale-rot visible on his back, and Dash zipped over to cling to Applejack.
“The hay was that?”
Applejack unceremoniously dropped Dash, and turned to look out the window.
“I hate ta say it, but I think that was Pinkie Pie.”
“Oh no!” Fluttershy quickly picked herself off the floor. “We should go check on her right away! There’s no telling what sort of dangers are lurking around that kitchen! She could’ve been burnt, or cut, or overdosed on sugar, or—”
“I don’t think you can overdose on sugar, Fluttershy.”
“Oh don’t say that, Rainbow! I’ve heard of ponies overdosing on all sorts of things. That’s why I threw all my toothpaste out last night.”
“Well, that would explain your terrible breath…” Applejack mused.
“It shouldn’t smell that bad, I got an organic pepper and swamp water solution from Zecora and scrubbed my teeth with that…”
“That doesn’t sound like a bad idea,” Rainbow said.
“Yes it does! That’s a horrible idea!”
“Yeah, AJ’s right, that’s a horrible idea!”
“Oh, don’t be silly, you two. I used it on all my animals, and they didn’t mind it. Besides, Zecora assured me that you can’t overdose on it at all, which is much more important than how it smells.”
Applejack rolled her eyes and turned to Spike. “Sugarcube, I know you were worried about Twilight an’ all, but ah think she may not be the only pony who needs some help at the moment.”
Pinkie Pie was tired. It wasn’t something that happened to her very often. Being energetic came naturally most of the time. Some days she had to try harder than others, other days she had to force it, but it always happened.
As she dragged her hooves into Sugarcube corner, she was thankful the Cakes were on vacation. She was too exhausted to be quiet as she trotted up the stairs.
She flopped onto her bed and wriggled under the covers, too lazy to actually pull the blankets up normally. She finally decided she was close enough and let her body sink into the mattress. She started counting cakes like she usually did to fall asleep.
One cake (it was a cupcake), two cakes (a carrot cake this time), three cakes (pound cake), four cakes (pineapple upside-down cake), five cakes (a three-tier wedding cake)…
Her eyes began to droop, her breathing slowed, and the sixth cake type she had been pondering slowly slipped out of her mind.
Suddenly her eyes snapped open. She sat bolt upright. She felt like she had been asleep for hours, but a quick glance at her clock proved that wrong.
“I don’t get it, Gummy. I was so sleepy three minutes ago! What happened?”
Gummy gave her a blank stare, and she pictured him shrugging. The mental image of those tiny alligator shoulders bouncing up and back again gave her a tiny fit of giggles.
“You’re right. It’s probably not a big deal. Maybe I need a snack? That noxious nymph did steal our lunches when we were fighting that dumb ol’ acid creature.”
She bounced out of bed and into the kitchen in no time at all. She intended to make a quick sandwich and go back to sleep. Just slap something together with two slices of bread and whatever was in the fridge, then shove it into her mouth, and start chewing. But once the food was in there, she couldn’t help but savor it.
“Mmm, this is pretty good! But, you know, it could be better…” She went back to the fridge and began to rummage through it, pulling out everything that looked remotely appetizing. Mustard, ketchup, not horseradish, salami, lettuce, tomatoes, macaroni and cheese, pickles, and a half-dozen other things. Okay, the horseradish too.
She opened the salami and started putting a few slices onto her sandwich, but she had the urge to taste it beforehand. She popped a slice in her mouth.
“Mmm! Was this always this good?”
She grabbed the bottle of mustard and poured it directly into her mouth, and one after another she did the same with the rest of the ingredients.
“That was delicious! Who needs the sandwich part anyway…” She realized that she had left the incomplete sandwich on the counter.
“Oh, well, don’t want to waste food!” Her stomach sloshed around a bit from how full it was, but Pinkie took no notice. “What can I spice it up with? Jelly beans!” She turned to the pantry, but realized she had left the fridge open.
“Oops! I’m such a forgetful Fiona! Or a forgetful Felicia. Or Fanny! That’s such a silly name! Haha!
“Uhm…what was I doing again?”
She started staring at a spatula, unsure where it had come from, why she was holding it, or why the brushed finish was so interesting.
“Where was I? Oh, right, some more food! How abouuuut…popcorn? Yeah, popcorn is fun! It explodes! Explosions are fun!”
She rummaged through the pantry trying to find some microwave popcorn.
“I wonder…are there are any other foods that explode?”
Nothing came to mind.
Well, why not make one?
That was a great idea! Of course it was, all her ideas were great. Except how could she make an explosion with food? Or was it exploding food? Or had she meant…
Wow my hair is really poofy!
“It’s like a hair explosion! Haha!”
And then, it occurred to her.
Edible dynamite.
“Applejack, you can’t just leave Twilight alone up there! She’s clearly—”
“Unhinged? Well, I’m not arguing that, Spike, but I think an explosion rates a mite higher on the importance scale than a fussy academic.”
“I agree with Applejack,” Rainbow said.
“But we can’t just leave Twilight here alone!” Spike protested.
Applejack rubbed her chin contemplatively. “Hmm…paranoid, but ya have a point. Rainbow, you stay here ‘n’ keep an eye on Twilight.”
“But I want to stay with you!” Rainbow pleaded.
“What?”
“Oh, uhm, I mean…we should stick together, Twilight’s fine…?”
Rainbow’s backpedaling was both unconvincing and transparent, but Applejack didn’t have the energy to argue.
“Fine. Fluttershy, stay here and keep an eye on Twilight.”
“Oh, but, Applejack, I have to go check on Pinkie too. I would never be able to forgive myself if something happened to her.”
Applejack let out a heavy sigh. “FINE. Spike, stay here and keep an eye on Twilight. Call us if anything happens.”
“Maybe I should write a letter to Celestia?” Spike said.
“I’m sure she has better things ta do than babysit her obsessive student.”
“Yeah, AJ’s right. Celestia has better things to do,” Rainbow added.
“Don’t fret, sugarcube. We’ll go check on Pinkie, and then we’ll be back here faster than a dog after a dinnerbell. I’m sure we’ll be able to figure out what’s wrong in no time at all, but first we have to make sure Pinkie hasn’t done anything crazy. Well, crazier than usual, anyway.” Applejack sounded sincere, but Spike remained visibly concerned.
The three ponies left him alone with his worries, and set off towards Sugarcube Corner at a brisk pace. Rainbow Dash walked very close to Applejack, while Fluttershy floated along in front of them, scanning the path.
“Stop!” Fluttershy shouted suddenly.
“Why? What’s wrong?”
“There’s a big rock in the path! You could trip and hurt yourself.”
Applejack rolled her eyes and continued walking. “Pebbles are the least of my problems…”
“Oh, they really should repair this path. If I had known I could have done it myself… Oh, I know.”
“Fluttershy, what in tarnation are you doin’?”
“Carrying you, of course. Until I re-tar this road later it’s the only way to make sure you’re safe.” Fluttershy tried to wrap her arms around Applejack’s torso, but the earth pony quickened her pace.
“Ooh! Let me help!” Rainbow said eagerly. She tried to grab Applejack as well, but the earth pony squirmed free and began running faster.
“Both of you get offa me! Mah legs ain’t broken!”
“Oh, but they’re just one rock or pothole away from a hairline fracture! Just let us carry you, Applejack. I promise we’ll be gentle.” Fluttershy attempted to pick up AJ again, but was foiled by a fresh sprint.
“Yeah, we’ll be gentle!” Rainbow assured her.
“Last thing ah need is a pair of unhinged pegasi carryin’ me everywhere!” Applejack had begun sprinting, but her two friends kept pace with her, making numerous attempts to pick her up. She dodged grab after grab, the two pegasi coming at her from both sides.
Thankfully the chase was cut short when they arrived at Sugarcube Corner. Applejack skid to a halt, and the other two bumped into her as she stopped.
“Thank Celestia…” Applejack wiped some sweat off her brow, then strode up to the door and knocked loudly. The door wasn’t locked, but it stubbornly refused to open when AJ tried the knob.
“Pinkie!? Are you in there? Are ya alright?”
There was no answer, but there was a distinct flurry of noise coming from inside the building.
“Fine. Stand back you two.” AJ turned around, and after rearing back kicked open the door easily.
The scene waiting for them was unexpected to say the very least.
The entire building, normally immaculately clean, looked as if a tornado had struck. It was hard to rule out the possibility that a garbage truck had then rammed in afterwards. Clothes, baking ingredients, partially-eaten foods, and countless other things were scattered across every inch of the place. A fine layer of pink dust clung to every surface, just thick enough to be visible.
Fluttershy seemed ready to pass out.
“Dang, this place is messier ‘n a pigsty after a stampede! What happened?”
“Good question. Maybe it had something to with that explo—?” Rainbow was cut short as a bright pink cylinder flew out of the kitchen and landed in front of the three ponies.
It was hard to tell what the tube was made of, but there was a short piece of licorice sticking out of one end, and there was a very large bite taken out of the other.
“What the hay is that?”
Before anyone could hazard a guess, the cylinder exploded. A bright pink flash lit up the house, and a huge cloud of pink dust blew across the room.
There was a noticeable squeal of fright, and several rounds of coughing.
“Is everypony okay?” Fluttershy asked.
“I’m fine.” Applejack coughed loudly as she tried to get her bearings.
“I’m sticky,” Rainbow declared.
The dust quickly settled, adding to the already-thick layer across the floor.
“C’mon, you two, we’ve gotta find Pinkie!” AJ plowed across the inch-deep mess towards the kitchen. The two pegasi floated after her, though Fluttershy was still clearly distressed by the abundance of refuse and the thin layer of pink on her friends.
They popped through the archway leading into the kitchen, and all three stopped for a moment to take in the fresh scene. Pinkie was zipping around the kitchen, attending to various pots and mixers and other culinary equipment. Several of them were dangerously close to bubbling over, and a thin cloud of pink smoke hung near the ceiling.
“Pinkie?”
“Oh, hi, girls! What’re you doing here?”
“We heard an explosion,” AJ explained. “We also experienced an explosion.”
“Luckily we survived.” Fluttershy had trouble forming her words. “Y-your house is so messy…”
“Are you okay?” Rainbow asked.
“Oh, I’m fine, Rainbow! Thanks for asking! Sorry about that explosion! I was testing my edible dynamite recipe. I had to try a buncha different things before I finally got one, and it totally explodes, but now I’m trying to make it taste better! You see—”
“Whoa, whoa, slow down! Why were you trying to make edible explosives?”
“Well, I was having trouble falling asleep, so my mind just started to wander, and the idea just popped into my head! Hasn’t been easy though, I’m having trouble focusing, so I have to keep writing notes to myself.” She waved a hoof at the fridge, which was plastered with multiple layers of sticky notes, all covered in the same microscopic handwriting. There was a noticeable overflow of notes that had started to creep onto the counters and cupboards near it.
“You haven’t slept?” Applejack asked.
“Oh, don’t be a crazy Carla, Applejack! Haha—crazy Carla! Of course I slept! While I was waiting for the sugar to set I got a full three hours. And then by the time I woke up I had another idea for the water ratio and…” Pinkie tasted the contents of one of the pots, but didn’t stop talking even as her hoof was in her mouth.
Rainbow leaned close—well, closer—to AJ and whispered into her ear. “I think Pinkie’s gone insane.”
“This definitely ain’t normal, even for her.”
“What should we do?”
“I got no clue.”
Pinkie was still explaining her experiment, oblivious to her friends’ lack of attention. Fluttershy, meanwhile, was starting to get over her initial shock.
“Okay, Pinkie. I think it’s obvious that you can’t take care of yourself. You’re coming with me.”
“Don’t be silly, Fluttershy! I’m right in the middle of a culinary masterpiece! Sure, the house is a little messy, but I’ll have it cleaned up before the Cakes get back from their trip, and I left myself a note to remind me to eat! Oh, speaking of!” She reached into a nearby bag of sugar, shoved a hoof-full into her mouth, and started chewing loudly. “Crunchy!”
“Blegh.” Applejack poked her tongue out as she said it.
“Yeah, blegh.” Rainbow mimicked AJ’s movements.
“Oh no, no, no. This house is a deathtrap. Those pots are a burn hazard, all this food is a health hazard, the mess is a fire hazard… You’re obviously incapable of being by yourself, so I’ll just have to take care of you until you’re all better.”
“Hehehe. Fluttershy, you’re so funny! I’m fine, really. Now stop distracting me! I have to focus on these, or I’ll forget what I was doing again. Wait, what was I doing again?” The pink pony rushed over to the shell of notes covering the fridge, scanning them rapidly. “No, no, no, did that already, still need to start on that, oh here we go! Edible dynamite, right!” She grabbed the square of paper and slapped it onto her forehead. “You’ll see, once I have the recipe perfected, everyone will love it! It’ll be hilarious and delicious! Deliciarious! And it’s not even that dangerous, it just explodes sugar everywhere. Flavorful flakk! Sugary shrapnel! Masticate-able munitions! Tasty, uhm, TNT!”
Applejack and Rainbow could only watch, dumbfounded, as Pinkie continued talking even faster than her usual pace. The pairs of words became increasingly disjointed the longer she went at it.
Fluttershy, meanwhile, had turned off all the burners, and was scanning the collage of reminders plastered across the kitchen.
“Hmm... I wonder...” She turned to Pinkie. “Pinkie, could you do me a favor?”
“…delicious deton—sure, Fluttershy! What do you need?”
“Well, I wanted to write myself a note, but I’m out of paper. Could you do it for me?” Fluttershy blinked. “Did you always have that pen and paper?”
“Of course! What should it say? Something about spatulas? Or sausages?”
Fluttershy floated over to Pinkie and whispered something into her ear. Pinkie didn’t bother to look at the paper and had finished the dictation almost as soon as it had been said.
“That was easy! Here ya go! Now, what was I doing?” Pinkie instinctively turned back to the cascade of comments on her icebox.
“Oh, don’t you remember? You were coming with us to Twilight’s house.”
“Really? I coulda sworn I was doing something cooking-related…”
“Trust me, Pinkie. I would never do anything to hurt you, would I?”
“I dunno, I wrote down something somewh—hey look! A doughnut!” Pinkie grabbed the dusty pastry, but Fluttershy slapped it out of her hoof before it reached her mouth.
“Don’t eat that. The dirt could clog your colon!”
“Haha! Good one, Fluttershy! I think I know what I’m doing, though. Or I would if I could find that note…”
“Oh, you mean the one that told you what you were supposed to be doing?”
“Yea, that one! Have you seen it?”
“Yes, it’s right here.” Fluttershy handed Pinkie the dictated note back.
“Ohboyohboyohboy, finally!” Pinkie snatched the note and read it in one swift motion, but as she processed the words on it, she became noticeably confused.
“What’s it say, Pinkie?” Fluttershy asked innocently.
“It says ‘listen to Fluttershy.’ Except that can’t be right, can it?”
“Well, you wrote it, so that must be what you’re supposed to be doing, right?”
“I guess so…”
“Good. Now let’s get you out of this horribly hazardous house.”
Pinkie scratched her forehead. Something felt off, but it was hard to place exactly what. She could’ve sworn she put a note there to remind herself of something, but she didn’t find one. Her mind had been moving so fast lately that the notes had just been easier. They were all written by her, so obviously it had been in her mind at some point. She just couldn’t place exactly when she had decided to listen to Fluttershy. It was confusing. As she was moving her hoof across her forehead, she felt her skin scrunch slightly. It was pretty funny. Oh no, she had done it again. What had she been thinking about before? Something about her notes. She looked down at the note in her hoof. It said, “Listen to Fluttershy.” It was definitely her hoofwriting and her brand of paper.
“Pinkie? Are you okay?” Fluttershy sounded slightly concerned.
“I’m fine, I guess.”
“Good. Let’s go.”
“Okay, Fluttershy, if you say so!” Pinkie stuck the note to her head and hopped after the yellow pegasus.
“Oh, let me carry you over this junk. We wouldn’t want you to trip and hurt yourself.”
“Okay, sounds like fun!” Pinkie bounced into Fluttershy’s waiting hooves, and the two floated across the mess and out the door.
Applejack and Rainbow finally came to their senses.
“Uh, what just happened?” Dash asked.
“I think Fluttershy brainwashed Pinkie, or somethin’.”
“Uhm, should we let her do that?”
“Well, ah guess we can’t really leave her alone here; she’s not right in the head. Shorter memory than a goldfish, and more energy than a barn full a fireflies. And her breath was terrible. Has she bin eatin’ nothin’ but sugar all night?”
“Maybe… What do you think we should do?” Rainbow asked.
“I think we better keep an eye on her until we figure this whole mess out.”
“Whatever you say, AJ!” Dash draped an arm around Applejack, and the two walked out of Sugarcube Corner.
Applejack sighed. Dash was nuzzling her neck, again. She should’ve been concerned by Rainbow’s behavior, but she wasn’t. Perhaps she was preoccupied by Pinkie’s, or perhaps she was starting to wonder about Rarity. Perhaps she was starting to realize that Rainbow was actually the most stable of her friends and was unsettled in a whole new way. Whatever the reason, Rainbow’s sheepish attachment to her wasn’t bothering her as much as it had been.
Applejack and her blue backpack emerged from the building to find Fluttershy checking Pinkie’s mane for ticks.
“Fluttershy, this is sooooo booooring! Let’s go do something fun! Pie-eating contest! But not Pinkie Pie, I’d prefer cherry pie, or apple pie, or—”
“Pinkie, shush.”
“Okay.” Pinkie didn’t argue with Fluttershy, even though it felt like she should.
“Well, now that Pinkie is, uh, accounted fer, let’s get back to Twilight’s.” Applejack turned to head back to the library.
“I agree with AJ.”
As the four ponies began to leave, a small white blur shot past them.
“Sweetie Belle, darling, come back!” The accent was unmistakable. Even before anypony turned around the white unicorn’s identity was obvious. When Rarity noticed her friends she slowed to a stop. “Oh, hello, girls! What are you up to?”
“You really shouldn’t chase ponies like that, Rarity. You could trip and fall and break your neck, or worse,” Fluttershy chastised.
“Oh, it’s nothing, I assure you. Sweetie Belle was upset by somepony insulting her little project. Naturally, I was eager to comfort her. She’s very grateful, I’m certain.” Rarity waved her hoof dismissively.
“Then why was she running away?” Pinkie asked. “Was she playing tag? Are you ‘it?’ I wanna play!”
“Tag is dangerous, Pinkie. All that running and physical contact and carefreehappiness. Oh, it makes me worried just imagining it…”
“Oh, uhm, she ran off after her manecut. I’m certain she just wanted to show off her new ‘do. I helped her style it.” Rarity pushed her mane a little and smiled.
“Hey, Rarity, want a hug?” Dash put her hooves toward Rarity, who wasted no time giving Dash an overenthusiastic squeeze.
“You two really shouldn’t hug each other, it spreads germs.”
“Nonsense, Fluttershy. I’m always willing to give my friends some well-deserved attention,” Rarity said. Dash rubbed her face into Rarity’s fur, eliciting a grimace from Fluttershy.
“Speaking of well-deserved attention, we should all go to the spa!” Rarity declared suddenly, clapping her hooves together. “I really don’t get enough presents for any of you.”
“Yay, I love presents! Almost as much as I love opossums! Or pastries!”
“Pinkie, I told you not to eat food you found on the ground!” Fluttershy smacked the bearclaw out of Pinkie’s hoof.
Applejack glanced around, unsure what to say. “Well, uh, that's…unexpected.”
“You're welcome! Honestly, it’s no trouble. So, what are we waiting for?”
“Well, we kind of have a problem.”
“Oh no, what is it? You know you can always count on me to help! What's the matter, what should I do? Is it financial trouble? You know I have a lot of savings if you ever need—”
As Rarity began itemizing all of her available resources, Applejack’s hopes of having one sane friend left were dashed. She could only bring herself to bury her face in her hoof. “‘Parently insanity is contagious today,” she muttered to herself.
Rarity finally relaxed. She had decided to take the day off and unwind. It was perfectly appropriate after spending most of the previous day outmaneuvering mordant monsters. It had taken two showers just to remove all of the poisonous residue from her mane, but now was the perfect opportunity to get some R and R.
As she sat down on her very plush couch, with a very vintage drink and a very new magazine, everything was perfect: calm, peaceful, and absolutely no acid anywhere. Her glass was within easy reach, the page was positioned perfectly, and her haunches had sunk into the sofa just so.
Then Sweetie Belle stormed in.
Sweetie shattered the sublime setup in an instant as she flung herself at the foot of Rarity’s chaise longue, sobbing quietly.
Rarity reluctantly put her things down. She loved her sister, but everypony needed some time to themselves. She’d say so in a mildly indignant, but still comforting way. Sweetie would understand that.
“Sister, darling, what’s wrong?” Less annoyed than she had intended, but she could build up to that.
“Oh, Rarity, it was awful! I was working on a banner with the Crusaders, and when we asked Applejack for advice, she told us we were the worst painters she’d ever seen!” Sweetie wiped a few tears out of her eyes, but it was a futile gesture.
“Oh, come now, I’m certain she didn’t mean to be so harsh.”
“No! She meant it! She said she was just telling us the truth, that it was just that bad…” A fresh wave of tears interrupted her sentence.
Rarity sat up. “She was probably just tired. We certainly had a full day yesterday.”
“Didn’t sound like tired to me…”
“She just wasn’t herself. Everypony needs time to wind down and return to normalcy after big events.” Yes, a perfect lead-in to her own downtime.
“Really?”
“I’m absolutely positive of it.” Rarity put a hoof on her sister’s shoulder, only temporarily, until she asked her to leave, obviously. “Does that sound like Applejack at her best to you?”
“I guess not…” The tears had started to slow down. That was a good sign.
“You know what might make you feel better?”
“What?” Sweetie’s ears perked up.
Now she just had to tell her to take some time to herself to calm down, then ask Applejack about it later. It was perfect. “What if I helped you do your mane?” What? That wasn’t what she had intended to say.
“Really? You’re not busy or anything?”
“Don’t be silly, I always have time for my sister.” She did?
“Well, sure! That sounds great!”
Rarity headed towards her bathroom, and Sweetie followed, decidedly less dejected.
Well, a quick brushing won’t hurt. I do have plenty of time, Rarity thought to herself.
Sweetie sat down, while Rarity opened her brush drawer and selected one of the smaller ones. She took a quick look at Sweetie’s mane, then began to comb it carefully.
“How’s that feel?”
“Great! Thanks, Rarity. Sorry I barged in. Guess I was just surprised by what Applejack said…”
“I’m sure it was a momentary lapse. Just relax and don’t overthink it.”
Sweetie Belle’s mane was well-kempt, aside from numerous flecks of paint. Rarity barely had to do anything at all. It was almost boring.
Isn’t that what I wanted? A quick gesture to make her feel better? Rarity asked herself.
“Rarity? Are you okay?”
“Hmm? Oh, yes, just picking out this piece of paint.”
I could do so much more. I have the resources. If this little gesture makes her feel better, then wouldn’t a big gesture make her feel much better?
“Say, Sweetie Belle, have you ever considered a new manestyle?”
“What? I dunno, I like my mane fine the way it is…”
“Oh, but it could be so much more fabulous! Just let me try something, I promise you’ll like it.”
“Uhm, ok, if you say so.”
Twenty minutes later, Sweetie Belle stared into the mirror Rarity handed her and a grimace spread across her face. A thick curtain of wavy, purple hair hung off the right side of her head. The weight of all the products in it caused her neck to droop noticeably.
“It looks just like yours!”
“I know! Isn’t it wonderful!?”
“I can’t see anything to my right…”
“Oh, don’t be silly. Your mane is hardly as dense as mine, and I can see perfectly fine.”
“I mean, I’m not… It’s just…”
“Do not fret, my dear sister. It will look impeccable with the dress.”
“…Dress?”
“Yes, I thought up a lovely ensemble while I was working. I just have to measure it and you’ll look so precious. Your self-esteem will go right through the roof!”
“Well, uhm, gee, Rarity, that sounds great and all, but…”
“But what?”
Sweetie Belle couldn’t think of a way to tell Rarity the obvious, so she did the next best thing.
“Oh my gosh, what’s that behind you!?” she shouted, jabbing her hoof dramatically at the window.
As Rarity turned around Sweetie Belle bolted.
Rarity was confused. Why wouldn’t Sweetie want such a thoughtful present? she asked herself. No, impossible. She must just be…embarrassed that I’m giving her so much attention. Yes. It’s really my fault for neglecting her so much. Yes, that must be it. I’ll go find her and explain that it’s really no trouble, and apologize for not doing all these things for her sooner.
Her mind made up, Rarity headed for the door. As her hoof touched the handle, she paused. It felt like she was forgetting something.
“Oh, of course! Silly me.” She walked past her couch, her drink and magazine still sitting next to it, and grabbed her bag. “I’ll need my purse in case I need to buy anything!”
She smiled and trotted out the door.
It was easy to tell which direction Sweetie had gone: all those hair products left a noticeable odor trail. Rarity walked leisurely along, certain Sweetie Belle would come to her senses at any moment and run back to her.
Sorry I ran off, Rarity. I felt guilty for taking up so much of your time, Sweetie would say.
Oh, nonsense, Rarity would reply, what are sisters for?
Really?
Of course!Let’s go shopping!
Oh boy!
Rarity chuckled to herself. That’s exactly how it would go. Good thing she had remembered her purse.
In the midst of her musings, she caught a particularly strong whiff of strawberry conditioner. She scanned the area, and noticed an unmistakable unicorn filly catching her breath against a nearby building.
“Ah, Sweetie Belle! There you are!”
Sweetie froze, then ran off again, perhaps hoping to pretend she hadn’t heard her sister.
Alright, now this is getting silly, Rarity thought to herself. It’s perfectly proper to be reluctant to accept such amazing generosity, but the way she’s acting, one could misinterpret it as…
No, that’s absurd. My gifts are amazing and thoughtful, and I’m going to prove it!
Rarity quickened her pace. “Sweetie Belle, darling, come back!” Rarity was tempted to sprint after her, but it was unladylike to chase things. Besides, they still had some shopping to do, and she didn’t want to tire herself out.
Sweetie dashed past Sugarcube Corner, and Rarity saw her friends gathered outside the building. She slowed down, curious why they were there, in a group, without her.
“Oh, hello, girls! What are you up to?”
They dodged the question. Were they avoiding her? Were they hanging out without inviting her? Were they sick of her?
“Hey, Rarity, want a hug?” Dash put her hooves toward Rarity, who leapt at the opportunity to show her friends how much she cared about them.
Fluttershy said something about germs, but Rarity was quick to defend herself. Why shouldn’t she give her friends some attention? Of course! The spa! Why hadn’t she thought of that before?
They were noticeably less enthused than Rarity had hoped.
That’s okay, she thought to herself. They’re just polite and modest like Sweetie. I’ll just have to be insistent.
And then Applejack mentioned a problem. Rarity was shocked. Concerned. Elated. Now she’d be able to prove just how much she was willing to help everypony.
Applejack muttered something as Rarity was listing her resources.
“What was that, dear?” Rarity asked.
“I said ‘parently insanity is contagious today,’ because y’all are insane.”
“Oh, my poor Applejackey-wacky, don’t be so dramatic.” Rarity put a hoof on AJ’s shoulder, despite the fact that Dash was still draped around her. Pinkie giggled and put a hoof around Dash, and Fluttershy gasped and tried to pull the chain of ponies apart, muttering “germs, germs, germs” under her breath as she tugged on Pinkie’s flank.
“I know what will make everypony feel better,” Rarity declared.
“A stiff drink,” AJ grumbled.
“No, no, a shopping trip! My treat! We can replace this dirty hat of yours, for starters. I always thought you would look stunning in a nice sunhat, with a matching dress and shoes. And I’ve always said that none of you ever know what to do with your mane! I wonder what five sets of curlers costs…”
“Oh, Rarity, you don’t need to buy curlers! Bananas are much cheaper,” Pinkie suggested.
“Oh my, that can’t be sanitary,” Fluttershy said.
“Sweetie ran away from you after you styled her mane, I’ll pass,” Applejack huffed.
“Rainbow Dash, don’t you think Applejack could use a makeover?”
“Well, I trust your opinion and all, Rarity, but AJ is already perfect,” Dash said.
“Oh, well, she’s certainly attractive, but a little conditioner never hurt. I have some spare bottles in my house, you know. I’d be happy to—”
“Ugh, haven’t y’all forgotten about Twilight!? We don’t have time to sit around here talkin’ about your uppity attempts at charity, Rarity!”
“Pinkie, shush! You might inhale a bug, or bite your tongue, or worse!” Fluttershy stopped trying to pull everypony apart and clamped Pinkie’s mouth shut.
“Oh, yes, Twilight! Of course. You’re right, she needs help. I always thought those chairs in her home were so tacky. She should know better, considering how much time she spends in Sofas & Quills. Where’d I put my Equestrian Express…” Rarity rummaged through her purse. Good thing she’d remembered it.
Applejack rolled her eyes. “She doesn’t need new furniture, Rarity. She’s gone on a studyin’ bender, not some kinda furniture-destroyin’ rampage.”
“Studying addiction, you say? So I should get her some books? No, that’s absolutely absurd! I should get her a date!”
“Ooh, I’m available!” Dash volunteered.
“Well, that’s nice of you to offer, dear, but I was thinking a stallion would be more socially appropriate,” Rarity said.
“I’m a way more interesting friend than some stallion! What’s a stallion got that I don’t?”
“Ooh, ooh, I know the answer to this one!” Pinkie shoved her hoof into the air excitedly, but let it slowly drift back down. “Oh, nevermind. I lost it. Wait! Nope, still gone.”
“You shouldn’t be going on dates anyway, Rainbow. All the terrible food, and cheapskates, and boring small talk, and social awkwardness…” Fluttershy shuddered, stroking Pinkie’s mane protectively.
“What’s so dangerous about social awkwardness?” Applejack asked. “I’ve had plenty of it today.” A moment of silence followed. “Applesauce, now they got me doin’ it…”
“You don’t want to know,” Fluttershy said ominously.
“Wow, Rarity, your mane is really soft. It’s like a blanket, or a cloud.” Rainbow had started slowly stroking her own face with Rarity’s mane.
“Why, thank you, Rainbow. I could do yours the same way, if you like,” Rarity offered.
“Really!?”
“You shouldn’t do that, Rainbow,” Fluttershy chastised. “You might scratch yourself, or give Rarity split ends, or—”
Applejack’s hoof made a soft thunk as it made contact with her own face. She turned to leave, hoping that none of her friends would notice her go.
A few steps after she started walking, and a few seconds after the other four noticed she had gone, a loud, bright explosion burst out of the library’s upper floor.
“OOH, pretty!” Pinkie exclaimed.
“Eek! Nopony breathe! All that dust might clog your lungs!”
“Oh my!” Rarity gasped.
Rainbow Dash leapt into Rarity’s arms.
“Oh, cmon! How many cherry-pickin’, butter-churnin’, completely unnecess’ry explosions are going to happen today!? It’s downright cliché and excessive, is what it is!” Applejack was tempted to throw her hat off her head dramatically, but that would have only compounded the problem. “Guess we better go see what that shortsighted fanatic has gotten herself into…”
“Rainbow Dash, I like you, but you are rather heavy…”
“Oh, sorry, Rarity.”
“Not to worry, dearie. Perhaps we can buy you some sort of harness…” Rarity examined Rainbow’s stomach briefly. “or diet pills!”
“You really shouldn’t use diet pills. They cause brain damage, and weight loss!” Fluttershy reprimanded.
“Haha, good one, Fluttershy! I buy diet pills all the time!” Pinkie produced a plastic bottle. “Placebo brand. Delicious and effective!” Pinkie poured a few into her mouth before Fluttershy snatched the bottle from her.
“Don’t eat those, Pinkie! They’re pure sugar!”
“I know!”
Applejack sighed and began walking back toward the library.
Three-hundred-and-forty-two books. Eight-hundred-and-thirty-four discreet spells. Thirty-three consecutive hours without sleep. An average of ten-point-three-six books per hour since last night, and an average of two-point-four new spells per book. Some were quite inane. She had graphed their usefulness and only thirteen percent of them would actually be helpful in a situation she would encounter in the near future.
None of those numbers mattered. All that mattered was results. She didn’t need a graph for those; they were right in front of her. She put down her book, and she could feel her magic seep off of it as she let go. Her entire body felt incredible: full and potent and coiled. It felt like she could do anything.
Anything?
Well, of course anything; she was Twilight Sparkle the Omnipotent, after all. And Beautiful. She looked at her bed, the window right above it.
You know, I never liked that window. And I can do anything, can’t I? Why should I have to put up with it?
It made perfect sense. Before she could even give it a second thought she felt her spark rush out of her body in a blinding flash of purple magic. When the light faded the window was gone, along with most of the wall it had been connected to.
You can’t argue with results.
Moments later Spike would burst through the door and ask what happened. She could sense it. Even without the precognition spells she could feel his footsteps on the stairs, could hear him panting, could taste his breath coming out in short bursts. The magic coursing through her body had amplified every one of her senses.
“Twilight! What happened!?” Spike stopped. “W…what happened to you?” He jabbed a finger at her.
“Oh, hello, Spike. That’s right, I guess I didn’t show you the wings yet!” The crescents of purple energy wafted outward. The tips of them nearly scraped a few books, but she adjusted their path easily. Their bases were anchored to her shoulder blades, and there was a magic conduit connecting them directly to her nervous system. They were just like a part of her body.
“H-how did you…?”
“You like them? I designed them myself. Pure magical energy, attached to my body, wired to my brain. Once I learned the right spells it was trivial, really. Everything is trivial for Twilight Sparkle the Omnipotent.”
Spike turned to huge gap in the wall. “Uh…and, what about that?”
Twilight turned lazily to the hole, almost as if she had forgotten about it. “Oh, yes. Guess I didn’t realize my own strength.” She turned back to Spike. “I do now though.” She smiled, but failed to notice how uncomfortable it made Spike.
“Well, that’s, uhm…”
“Something wrong?”
“No, not really, I mean… You just seem a little—”
“Amazing? Brilliant? Beautiful? Well I already knew that, Spike.” She smiled that same unsettling smile. Suddenly her face fell. Without warning she vanished in a burst of purple energy, reappearing less than an inch from Spike’s face.
“Gah!” He flinched and fell backward. “Don’t do that!”
“But that’s not what you were going to say, was it, Spike?”
“What?”
She hovered just above him. The magic wings hummed faintly, but didn’t move. “You weren’t going to compliment me? What are you getting at?” She leaned forward with each sentence. “Are you saying that Twilight Sparkle the Omnipotent and Beautiful doesn’t deserve praise? Are you some sort of skeptic?”
“Twilight, your face is really close to mine…”
“Everypony is always underestimating me. You, and Applejack, and Celestia…” Twilight paused, then smiled again. Her teeth didn’t quite line up correctly. “That’s it!”
“What’s it?”
“The perfect way to show everypony what Twilight Sparkle the Omnipotent is capable of.”
Spike tried and failed to make eye contact with her. “What are you talking about, Twilight?”
One of Twilight’s ears twitched. “Speaking of underestimators! My friends have arrived to see me off!”
“See you off where!?”
There was a flash of magic, and suddenly Spike and Twilight were in the foyer. Spike’s head spun, disoriented by the abrupt teleport. There were some ponies talking near the door.
“What do you mean you ‘lost it!?’ That note was very important, Pinkie! How am I supposed to protect you from yourself if you won’t listen to me?”
“What’d you say, Fluttershy? I wasn’t listening.”
“Exactly! And stop eating things you found on the ground!”
“Don’t worry, Pinkie Pie, I’ll buy you a nice—”
“Ugh, would y’all be qui—” Applejack’s sentence faltered as she opened the door and saw Twilight. Everypony else ground to a similar stop as they leaked into the building.
“Hello, girls!” Twilight smiled.
“T-Twilight? What the hay happened to you?”
“Pretty wings!” Pinkie said.
“They don’t look very safe,” Fluttershy took a few steps back.
“You like them?” Twilight swept them open. “Made them myself. Pure magical energy. Wired directly to my nervous system.” Twilight folded the wings back up and turned to Applejack. “You can apologize now, AJ.”
“What fer?”
“For underestimating my magical ability earlier, of course.”
“Twilight, look at yerself. Doesn’t any of this seem off to ya?”
“Of course not. Twilight Sparkle the Omnipotent is a magical prodigy, after all.”
“But ponies don’t just get better at things overnight! And you were never this much of an arrogant pain before!”
“I dunno, AJ.” Rainbow rubbed her chin. “Twilight is pretty amazing at everything…”
“Rainbow, shush!” Applejack gave her a stern glare.
Twilight narrowed her eyes. “You’re just like Celestia, Applejack. Underestimating me, getting in my way… But that’s okay. You see, I’ve realized something. It’s not your fault you’re an impediment. Celestia sent me here specifically for that reason!”
“What’re you talking about?”
Twilight didn’t seem to hear her. “In one night of studying I’ve learned more than I ever did here, or with Celestia. She sent me to Ponyville to hamper my potential, so I wouldn’t be a threat to her! It’s all so obvious in hindsight. All those tests were just to make sure I didn’t get too powerful…”
“Twilight that’s—”
Twilight continued talking, just loud enough to hear. “But’s that’s okay. Her plan failed. And now that I’ve finally realized my true potential, I can really show her the things I’ve learned. All eight-hundred-and-thirty-four of them. Of course, I’ll only need about fifty of those to take over Canterlot and kill Celestia—”
“What!?” everypony shouted.
The noise finally snapped Twilight out of her monologue. “Don’t interrupt me!” A burst of purple lightning arced off of Twilight’s body and struck the floor just in front of Applejack’s hooves. It came and went in an instant, but the massive scorch mark on the floor and the acrid smell in the air lingered.
There was a noticeable moment of silence as everypony stared at the floor, including Twilight.
“Twilight?” AJ’s voice was heavy with concern.
“I…” Twilight stared at the scorched floor, then her own body. “I don’t…”
She suddenly felt incredibly off. Her body felt heavy, constricted. It was like she was wearing dozens of metal shackles and hadn’t noticed until now.
“It’s alright, Twilight. Do you want a hug?” Rainbow offered.
“Or a nice glass of imported water?” Rarity asked.
Twilight put a hoof to her face. She suddenly felt incredibly tired. What happened to me? she asked herself. No answer came.
Everypony was so shocked by Twilight’s behavior that none of them noticed Pinkie inching towards her. She had been staring at Twilight’s wings ever since they had arrived: thinking about what it would feel like to touch one. Nopony would mind if she got a closer look. A flash of purple light and a weird smell threatened to distract her, but they weren’t important.
By the time Pinke was close enough to touch them, nopony could stop her in time. She heard a few ponies shouting about something, but that wasn’t important, either. They couldn’t possibly be shouting at her. She jabbed a hoof at the magic wing. It felt sort of fuzzy, and tingly.
Twilight’s shoulder twitched, and a pulse of magic flew off her body, knocking all six of her friends several feet backwards. Pinkie smacked into a chair, and the other five landed in a heap near the door.
Fluttershy tried to ask if everypony was okay, but her face was pressing into somepony’s leg.
Applejack tried to point out how overweight her friends were, but her face was pressing into somepony’s elbow.
Rarity tried to offer some helpful advice, but her face was pressing into somepony’s haunch.
Spike tried to push his way out of the pile, but there were four ponies pressing onto his arms.
Rainbow was completely content.
Twilight took her hoof out of her face and looked around. What happened?
Some lesser ponies tried to touch Twilight Sparkle the Omnipotent, and Twilight Sparkle the Omnipotent didn’t take kindly to that.
That made sense. The voice didn’t sound quite like her own, but it made sense. Twilight unfurled her wings and started to hover a few feet above the floor.
“Well, thank you all for coming to see me off—”
“You’re welcome!” a muffled voice said.
“But I’ve wasted enough time here as it is. I have an appointment with the ‘Princess.’” She nearly spat the last word out. Energy started to crackle along her body.
“Twilight, wait!” Spike tried to reach out an arm, but was still pinned by the pony pile.
It was too late. Twilight vanished long before he had even shifted one claw.
Pinkie poked her head out from behind the overturned chair. “That was fun! Let’s do it again!”
“Pinkie, come get these ponies off me!” Spike shouted.
The mass of bodies murmured muffled assent.
“Ohh, dogpile! Why didn’t you invite me?” Pinkie took a few steps back, clearly intending to add herself to the pile in the most energetic manner possible.
“Pinkie, don’t!”
“Why not?”
“Uhm… we’re all sitting on a bunch of candy?”
“Oooh! Candy! I want some!”
With Pinkie’s help they all finally managed to get untangled and upright.
“Hey, where’s all the candy!?”
“Candy causes cavities, Pinkie.”
“There is no candy.” Applejack dusted off her hat and returned it to her head. “Well…that coulda gone better.”
“I know! This is simply dreadful!” Rarity said.
“It’s okay, Rarity, we’ll think of something.” Rainbow stroked Rarity’s mane, perhaps a few more times than strictly necessary.
“No, no, you don’t understand, Rainbow! If Twilight has infinite magical powers then what in the world am I supposed to get her for her birthday!? It’s a shopper’s nightmare!”
Applejack rolled her eyes. “We have bigger problems than your shopping list, Rarity. What are we supposed to do now?”
“We should give her a hug. A long, intimate, loving hug,” Rainbow suggested.
“Well, that’s a creepy plan,” Applejack said.
“Creepy? I’m don’t see how. I just want to spend a long time touching my friend, physically.” Rainbow continued to stroke Rarity’s mane as she explained herself.
“Ooh, we should throw her a castle-warming party!” Pinkie gasped. “Do they make ‘congratulations’ cards for coups? That’s an untapped market right there!”
“A party could work.” Rarity rubbed her chin. “And I could make her a new cape and tiara for after she usurps Princess Celestia. I doubt Celestia’s would fit her.”
“Celestia wears capes?”
“No, Pinkie, the tiara.”
“Ugh, would y’all listen ta yerselves? These ideas are terrible!” Applejack punctuated her sentence with a stomp. “We need to be thinking of ways to stop her!”
“That sounds too dangerous,” Fluttershy said. “We should just sit back and wait for her to finish her assassination. I wouldn’t want anyone to get hurt.”
There was a gentle knock at the door. Everypony was too absorbed in their argument to notice.
“Sweet apple cider, how many dumb statements am I gonna hafta put up with today? Y’all can’t be seriously suggestin’ we sit here an’ do nothin’!”
“I dunno, AJ,” Rainbow said. “Twilight is our friend, I’m sure she knows what she’s doing.”
Before Applejack could respond, the door slowly swung open, creaking just loudly enough to catch everypony's attention.
Everypony turned around just in time to see Princess Celestia walk in.
The Princess ducked under the door, though she managed to do even that in a deliberate, regal way. Once she was completely inside the building, she shut the door telekinetically and turned to Spike and the Elements. “Hello, my little ponies. I haven’t missed anything important, have I?”
“Princess Celestia!?” everypony shouted in unison.
“What the hay are you doin’ here?” Applejack pointed a hoof at the princess, manners forgotten.
“Oh, Spike sent me a letter.” Celestia gave him a small smile. “He said Twilight Sparkle was acting oddly. I would have arrived sooner, but there were some important matters I had to attend to first.”
“Ooh, were you going to the bathroom? Sometimes I have to go at the worst possible times!” Pinkie said.
“Uh, no… I was in a diplomatic meeting.” Celestia glanced around. “May I ask where my faithful student is?”
“She just left,” Rarity said.
“To assassinate you,” Applejack added.
Celestia didn’t react. After a few moments she sighed quietly. “I was afraid of this.”
“Wow, really? I sure wasn’t!” Pinkie Pie bounced over to Celestia. “Do you have psychic powers!?”
Applejack scratched her head nervously. “Yeah… Twilight can be an excitable weirdo sometimes, but I didn’t really see this one comin’ neither.”
“It is time I told all of you something,” Celestia said.
Pinkie gasped. “You DO have psychic powers?”
“No, Pinkie Pie, something else.”
“Ooh, let me get you a seat!” Rarity said, abruptly.
“Uhm, thank you.”
Rarity rushed off to get some pillows, and an awkward silence filled the room.
“Princess,” Fluttershy poked a hoof at the ground, “did you track dirt into the library?”
Celestia idly glanced at one of her forehooves. There was a smudge on one of her hoofguards, light enough that only a hypochondriac with a magnifying glass would have bothered to comment on it. “I might have. I apologize, but that is an unavoidable result of walking.”
“Oh no, no, no! I just cleaned this library! It was completely germ-free!”
“What about all the germs we tracked in here when we came back?” Applejack asked.
“And don’t forget all the germs Twilight let in when she blew up the top floor!” Pinkie added.
Celestia opened her mouth to reply, but suddenly found herself distracted by a motion on her right. She turned her head, only to find Rainbow Dash rubbing her face all over the royal haunch.
Celestia paused for a moment, trying to think of a tactful way to phrase her next question. “Rainbow Dash…I am no stranger to displays of affections from my subjects, but may I ask why you are—”
Her sentence was interrupted as one of her hooves was yanked from under her. She quickly regained her balance and turned her attention forward, only to find Fluttershy scrubbing her hoof guard with a sponge.
“Fluttershy, while I am no stranger to having things done for me, I can assure you that you do not need to—”
Her sentence was cut off again as she felt something poking her tail. A quick turn of her head revealed Pinkie Pie examining the prismatic appendage very closely.
“How do you get your hair to do that?” Pinkie poked it again.
“Eons of exposure to raw magic. Now, if all three of you could—”
“That sounds like a pretty terrible name for conditioner! Their marketing department needs some editors! Ponies like things short and catchy, not long and wordy.”
“No, I was referring to—”
“I got the cushions!” Rarity emerged from the basement, a massive stack of pillows floating next to her.
In the blink of an eye Pinkie was next to Rarity. “Dibs on the pink one!”
“Took ya long enough. Did you have to sort them all before you came up here?” Applejack grabbed one of the cushions in her mouth.
“Oh, don’t be absurd, Applejack. Pillows do not weigh that much, so I simply brought them all. I did have to reupholster a few of them, however. And several of them just looked so much better with a few minor additions; a little lace here, some sequins there…”
“Yeah, yeah, we get it.”
“And none of them were worthy to be sat on by Princess Celestia, so I had to cobble some things together and I made this!”
“Thank you, Rarity, but you didn’t have to—”
“It looks like you painted a beach ball bright yellow. And why did you stitch a sun on it if Celestia never comes here?” AJ asked.
“For when you take it to the beach, obviously!” Pinkie explained. “Very thematic.”
“Oh, c’mon, AJ. Everything Rarity makes is amazing. You don’t need to be so harsh.” Rainbow grabbed a pillow for herself.
“It looks too fluffy. Celestia could fall over and hurt herself.”
Celestia grabbed the cushion with her magic and plastered a serene smile onto her face. “It’s lovely. Thank you, Rarity. Now perhaps we could all have a seat?”
“You can’t eat seats, Princess!”
Spike grabbed a pillow and considered where to sit, and eventually settled next to Celestia.
Finally, everypony was seated in a circle, some uncomfortably close to others, and Celestia took a deep breath.
“Firstly, let me apologize to all of you for not telling you the truth sooner.”
“Oh, it’s alright, dear. I’m sure you had your reasons.” Rarity waved a hoof dismissively.
“Yeah, Rarity’s right,” Dash said.
“Obviously it’s ain’t okay since Twilight has gone off the deep end. Again,” Applejack said. “Honesty is the best policy, and you should know that better than anypony, Princess.”
“Yeah, AJ’s right.” Dash scratched her head. “I mean, uhm, they both have valid points, and—”
“But, AJ, you can’t just tell everypony everything when you have psychic powers! Everypony would ask you for things and then you’d have to tell them that their special somepony hates their cat and their mom never liked their cards and that they don’t call their Granny enough and then everypony would hate your guts.” Pinkie smiled.
“Pinkie Pie, I do not have psychic powers,” Celestia was surprisingly calm. “I do, however, have many magical senses, and I have feared—”
“Ooh, can you sense what I had for breakfast? That’s sort of like psychic powers, although it’s probably more like breakfast powers. Can you sense anything about breakfast, or just when other ponies had it?”
AJ glared at Pinkie. “Who would use magic ta detect breakfasts? That’s stupid.”
“Yeah, AJ’s right. That’s stupid,” Rainbow added.
“Actually it could help nutritionists,” Fluttershy said. “They’d be able to keep track of calories, and protein, and fat, and cholesterol, and toxins…”
“Yeah, Fluttershy’s right, it might be helpful,” Rainbow said emphatically.
“My little ponies, please. I cannot sense anything about food, but I can sense other things. When you defeated Discord, I sensed a surge of chaotic energy leave his body.”
Pinkie giggled quietly.
Applejack rolled her eyes. “Pinkie, you’re so immature.”
“I dunno, it is kinda funny.” Rainbow smiled.
Spike smirked as well.
Applejack turned away. “Like I said.”
“As I was saying,” Celestia said, as diplomatically as possible. “When I felt you use the Elements on the Corrosive Creature, I felt that same spike of chaotic energy.”
“Dun dun dun!”
Celestia ignored Pinkie’s outburst. “I can only conclude that—”
“No, Princess, you’re doing it all wrong!” Pinkie interrupted. “After the big reveal you’re supposed to pause so everyone can gasp simultaneously! Like this.” Pinkie gasped loudly.
Celestia closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
“No, no, that was too slow, silly! Like this.” Pinkie let out another loud gasp.
Celestia continued. “I can only conclude that Discord planted some of his magic in the Elements of Harmony, and that using them to vanquish the Corrosive Creature released that magic.”
“Wait, so yer sayin’ that Discord booby-trapped the Elements a Harmony?” Applejack asked.
Pinkie snickered. “Haha, you said ‘booby! That’s a silly word. Booby, ruby, newbie…”
“Yes, Applejack, that seems—”
“So I have some of Discord’s magic in my body? Festering? Writhing? Touching my…organs?” Fluttershy asked meekly.
“It’s okay, ‘Shy. Want a hug?” Dash offered a hoof to Fluttershy.
“Well, that would explain why Sweetie Belle was not receptive to my meticulous and highly generous beauty treatments,” Rarity said. “The poor thing must have noticed something was off. I should go find her and take her shopping!”
“Would explain a lot a things,” Applejack muttered.
“Oh, Rarity, don’t be silly! Sweetie Belle can’t detect chaos magic! Unless…” Pinkie rubbed her chin contemplatively. “Rarity, have you ever seen Sweetie using pyrokinesis? Or maybe mind-reading?”
“Sweetie Belle doesn’t have psychic powers, Pinkie. Rarity is jus’ delusional.” Applejack explained.
“I dunno, AJ. If Celestia has psychic breakfast powers, then all bets are off, right? I mean, if you can read the future, what can’t you do?”
Spike scratched his head. “Wait. I don’t get it, Princess. The last time Discord used his magic on everypony, they became their opposites.” He swept his claws at the assembled ponies. “I’m not sure what’s going on here, but it sure isn’t that.”
“Discord never was one to repeat himself. No doubt he attempted to be clever and simply inverted his old plan.”
“Did what now?” Spike asked.
“Invert. As in reverse or opposite. He did that quite often. During one of our encounters he—”
“No, I meant how is this the opposite of his last plan?”
“Yeah, what Spike said,” Rainbow added.
“Oh, well, his last plan was to make each of you the opposite of your Elements, so I assume this time his magic has exaggerated them instead.” Celestia gently pointed a hoof at Rainbow. “Given the Element of Loyalty in particular, it seems my prediction was correct.”
“Predicting the future! I knew it! Quick, what type of cake do I have behind my back?”
“Pinkie, that can’t be very sanitary…”
“Hey, wait, what’s that supposed to mean about me in particular?” Rainbow asked defensively, pulling herself closer to Applejack.
“Would you get offa me?” AJ pushed the pegasus away. “I swear you are the sweatiest mare ‘n Equestria.”
“Do you want me to sweat less? Cuz I would do anything for you: even wear antiperspirant.”
Pinkie gasped. “I knew I forgot some emergency supplies! I don’t have auxiliary antiperspirant stashed anywhere at all!”
“Ooh, we should all go to the spa!” Rarity chimed in. “I’m sure your pores just need a good cleansing. I wonder if they do gift cards there…”
“That’s a stupid plan, Rarity. Almost as stupid as Discord’s plan. I mean, he’s a god of chaos, and his big idea is ta just swap around his old plan? Real bland and unoriginal, if ya ask me. Show some creativity!”
“I dunno, I think it’s pretty funny!” Pinkie giggled.
“And what does hangin’ all over me all day have to do with Loyalty? That makes less sense than a timberwolf drivin’ a snowplow.”
Celestia tuned back to the conversation. At least she had an answer prepared for that. “Chaos follows no patterns, Applejack. Its logic is its own. In some way, to some pony, these transformations would no doubt make perfect sense.”
“Makes sense to me!” Pinkie said.
Celestia smiled weakly. “Of course, knowing Discord, he could very well have calculated these expressions of the Elements to cause as many problems as possible, rather than as extensions of your actual personalities.”
“Well, that seems quite silly,” Rarity said dismissively. “I’ve never been more helpful than I have been today. I don’t get enough excuses to spend some quality time with Sweetie Belle, especially where we are both enjoying ourselves.”
“Yeah, Rarity’s right! What could possibly be disruptive about hugs?” Rainbow tightened her grip on both Rarity and Applejack.
“I think I might need some disinfectant,” Fluttershy glanced around at her friends. “Injectable disinfectant.”
“And you didn’t think to tell us any of this sooner? I don’t expect a politician to tell the truth too often, but I expected some integrity from you, Princess,” Applejack huffed.
Celestia raised an eyebrow. “I already admitted my judgment was lacking in some respects, Applejack. The Elements were the only thing capable of defeating the Corrosive Creature safely. I didn’t have a choice.”
“But you did choose to lie to us.”
“Yeah, you always have a choice!” Pinkie interjected. “You can choose what ice cream to eat and who your special somepony is and what time to throw a party and all sorts of other stuff!
“So how’d you know Twilight would do something like this?” Spike asked Celestia, cutting off Applejack’s response before it began.
“Psychic powers, duh, I said that already.” Pinkie rolled her eyes.
Celestia smiled another faint smile. “I’ll admit I did not foresee this exact situation, but Twilight’s ambition and ability were an obvious target for Discord’s magic.”
“So what do we do now?” Fluttershy asked.
“Yeah, and how do we help Twilight?” Spike added.
“That I do not know. You six know more about this situation than I do now. What do you think we should do?”
“Spa!”
“Party!”
“Shower.”
“Group hug!”
AJ rolled her eyes. “We went over this already, remember? We need to go stop Twilight before she does any…well, any more damage. We’ll figure out how to reverse this after she’s under control.”
“All good plans,” Rainbow said. “I still like mine best. Oh, and AJ’s. And Pinkie’s. And—”
“Yeah, okay, we get it.”
Rarity raised a hoof. “I vote for Fluttershy’s plan. And since we can’t all use her shower then obviously we should go to the bathhouse.”
“Hold on, let me count all the votes up.” Pinkie produced a pad of paper.
“We’re not voting on such stupid plans!” AJ said loudly.
Celestia’s scrunched her eyes shut, trying to ignore the inane argument. She had a sudden desire for some Tailenol, but had to settle for quickly massaging her temples. She had expected her explanation to go better than this. Having regained some composure, she returned to the conversation.
“I’m just saying, a group hug would make everypony feel better.”
“Hugs spread germs, Rainbow.”
“I believe Applejack has the right idea.” Celestia stood up. “Everypony hold onto me: I will teleport us to Canterlot.”
“Ooh, sounds like fun!” Pinkie bounced over and grabbed one of Celestia hooves.
“I’ll say!” Rainbow agreed, rushing over to grab a different hoof.
“Yes, good idea, Princess. We could all use a relaxing trip to Canterlot,” Rarity said. “They have this darling ice cream parlor on main street. Good thing I remembered my purse.”
“Uhm, you can all go ahead. If you don’t mind, I think I’m going to stay here, maybe go and buy a case of antiseptic cream…” Fluttershy said quietly. AJ answered her with a push forward.
Once everypony was touching Celestia’s body, some more sensually than others, she levitated Spike onto her back. “Everyone, focus on somepony else. Pick a detail about them and stare directly at it. This may be a little disorienting otherwise.”
In a burst of bright, golden light, the seven of them vanished.
With a loud rush of static and a flash of light the group appeared in Canterlot Castle’s main hallway, a few yards from the door to the throne room.
“That ‘focus on somepony’ tip was a load o’ peach manure,” Applejack muttered, putting a hoof to her head as she tried to maintain her balance.
“That was fun! Let’s go again!” Pinkie’s hyperactive bouncing only worsened the motion sickness of the others.
“Yes, sorry about that. One gets used to being the teleporter, rather than the teleportee.” Celestia smiled weakly.
“Rainbow Dash, remind me to embroider some barf bags for everypony when we return to Ponyville. Or…something.” Rarity also put a hoof to her head, swerving slightly as she steadied herself.
Fluttershy opened her mouth to object to such an unsanitary proposition, but quickly clamped a hoof over it instead. A noticeable gag made it through, regardless.
Rainbow scanned the area. “Why are we in the hallway? Shouldn’t we have teleported straight to the throne room?”
“Not if Twilight Sparkle set traps,” Celestia said simply.
“Twilight wouldn’t do that!” Spike said.
“Yeah, Spike’s right. Twilight wouldn’t do that! She’s our friend! She just needs a hug and that’ll solve everything.” Rainbow gave Fluttershy an overenthusiastic hug to punctuate her point.
The yellow pegasus immediately recoiled in disgust, not quite able to squirm away completely. “Rainbow, uhm, there is large patch of dirt on your…”
“Nevertheless, we must be prepared for anything.” Celestia closed her eyes, and her horn glowed faintly. “There is no telling what Discord’s magic has done to my faithful student: her mind or her magical abilities.” Her eyes snapped open. “The Elements are not in their safe.”
“Didn’t those stupid trinkets cause this mess in the first place?”
“The trap placed on them has been sprung, Applejack. There is nothing wrong with them now. The Elements bring balance, to their bearers as well as their targets. And balance is clearly something we are in need of at the moment.”
“Ooh, and cake! Everyone needs cake.”
“Pinkie, don’t eat that! Who knows where it came from!” Fluttershy attempted to swat the cake away from Pinkie, but was impeded by the pegasus-on-pegasus hugging.
“Well, obviously it came from behind my back, Fluttershy.” Pinkie rolled her eyes and then popped the slice of cake into her mouth.
“It seems Twilight made the same assumptions I did, and retrieved the Elements before we arrived.”
“Mebbe we should get some backup?” Applejack suggested. “Where’s Princess Luna?”
“Ooh, yeah! I bet hugging Luna would be all kinds of epic!” Rainbow stroked Fluttershy’s mane.
“No, if there are traps we needn’t risk my sister as well. And if anything should go wrong we’ll need a backup plan.”
“That doesn’t sound terribly comfortin’.”
Suddenly the giant double doors swept open. A familiar-yet-unfamiliar voice wafted out of them. “Done talking about me yet, girls?”
The seven of them walked cautiously into the room, save Pinkie, who hopped.
It was not a pretty sight waiting for them.
Large chunks were missing from ceiling, walls, and floors. Scorch marks and broken weapons littered every surface. Dozens of royal guards lay scattered around the edges of the room in varying degrees of consciousness, though a quick magical scan told Celestia none of them were in need of immediate medical attention. Next to the throne a crude, misshapen iron cage held Philomena.
The throne itself seemed undamaged, though its normally red cushions had become a mute shade of purple. Slouched on the throne sat Twilight, one hindleg draped over the edge of the throne, the other sitting on a footrest, and the rest of her propped up by pillows. Next to her floated a wine glass full of a deep red liquid. On her head rested the Element of Magic. Her magic wings were folded against her body, but the gentle hum carried across the room regardless.
Philomena let out a loud squawk.
“Yes, yes, I know. Awfully rude, isn’t she?” Twilight took a sip from her glass, not bothering to turn her head towards the new arrivals. “Took you long enough, Princess. Your guards didn't put up much of a fight. Of course, who could stand up to Twilight Sparkle the Omnipotent and Beautiful?”
Celestia took a step forward. “Twilight, please, listen to me. I know you are not yourself. Just tell me what you did with the other Elements an—”
A sharp cackle cut off Celestia’s sentence. “‘Not myself,’ am I? Why? Because I finally stopped kissing your flank?” Twilight swirled her glass slightly, her tone much flatter than the laugh would’ve implied. “I bet you got used to having my lips glued there twenty-four seven.”
“Pinkie, stop eatin’ popcorn!” Applejack said, in the loudest whisper she could manage. “It ain’t appropriate!”
“And excessive snacking contributes to obesity,” Fluttershy added.
“Girls, shush! This is gonna be good!”
Celestia ignored them. “Please, my faithful student. Discord has—”
“Finally done something useful? I already figured that out, Princess.” Twilight finally turned her head and waved a hoof at the room. “Like what I did with the place? All thanks to his magic.”
“You knew?”
“Of course I knew. I am Omnipotent, after all.”
“Then how come you didn’t know Princess Celestia wasn’t in Canterlot?” AJ blurted out.
A large, loud crack spiderwebbed across Twilight’s glass. As she turned to look at Applejack, the crack slowly mended itself, a loud hiss and waves of heat floating off the semi-broken cup.
“Still underestimating me, I see.”
“Twilight, I know you think this power is a good thing, but it has corrupted your mind.” Celestia took a second, cautious step forward. “Please, let us help you.”
“Yeah, it’s affected all of us!” Applejack jabbed a hoof at Rainbow Dash, who was rubbing her face all over Rarity’s mane. “Dash has been four inches away from makin’ out with me all day, and I wanna get this mess over with already!”
Twilight chuckled condescendingly. “Don't try to tell me how some power can corrupt a pony. You haven't had enough to know what it's like.” Twilight took a sip of her drink, then turned to look at Celestia and Applejack again. “You're only angry because you wish you were in my position. Now nod your head because you know that I'm right! All right!?”
“What the hay is she talkin’ about?” Applejack asked nopony in particular. Rarity shrugged in response.
“But enough talk.” Twilight nonchalantly flung her wine glass to the side and it nonchalantly shattered on the floor. She rotated so she was sitting on her stomach, and then smiled vacantly. “Applejack, get out of the way so I can shoot Celestia with a giant laser. Or perhaps a hurricane of scimitars. Or a fire tiger. Something, you know, dramatic.”
Celestia's shoulders tensed. “Twilight, the only reason I have not encased you in a cage of pure solar energy fueled by undiluted antimatter is because I do not want to hurt you, if I can help it.”
“It would also scorch your throne!” Rarity offered helpfully.
“And I bet it takes a while for royal pillows to conform to your butt!” Pinkie added.
“The only reason I haven’t shot a dragon made out of lightning at you is because Applejack is in the way.” Twilight smiled. “I can’t very well dethrone a tyrant with an innocent, petty, irritating, condescending civilian hostage nearby.”
“Twilight, would ya listen to yerself? Celestia ain’t a tyrant!”
“Oh, isn’t she?” Twilight suddenly vanished, appearing right next to Fluttershy, who had been busy cowering behind a pillar. “She’s always sending us on dangerous missions, to clean up her silly little mistakes. Isn’t that right, Fluttershy?”
“Uhm…”
“Endangering all your friends, all of Equestria really, just because she can’t be bothered to handle things herself?”
Fluttershy swept her hair in front of her face as Twilight vanished again.
“Just think, we could’ve spent all day yesterday hanging out. Just spending time with each other.” Twilight gave Rainbow’s mane a soft stroke. “Just enjoying each others’ fabulous company!” Twilight gave Rarity a deranged smile. “But instead we had to trek through a network of underground tunnels, fending off poisonous pixies, outflanking fetid filly zombies, fighting for our lives against a thirty-foot blob of acid shaped like a pony, and all because our dear Princess didn’t want to get her hooves dirty.”
“But we still managed to save the day,” Rarity pointed out. “I’m always happy to help the Princess.”
“Yeah there was lots of kicking and action and teamwork! You guys are so amazing,” Rainbow added, tightening her grip on Rarity.
“Yes, I am very amazing. And powerful. And beautiful. But just because I managed to save the day single-hoofedly with my magic doesn’t change anything. The Princess was still using a bunch of pawns to do her dirty work. Just like a proper tyrant.” Twilight vanished again.
Spike felt a warm blast of breath on his neck.
“Isn’t that right, Spike?”
Spike fell over in surprise, quickly turning around to find Twilight staring at him.
“Uhh…”
“Just say it, Spike. You can be honest with me. She’s an out-of-control despot and she needs to be stopped. I’ll protect you though. Just tell the truth and show everypony else I’m right.”
“Vifsh sish foinhineyee gaetink hoo.” Pinkie said through a mouthful of popcorn.
“Twilight, I think maybe you should calm down and think this through…” Spike’s sentence was impeded by Twilight’s glare.
“Oh, I see how it is.” A few tiny streaks of electricity flashed across Twilight’s body “You’re on her side, is that it? You were just pretending to be my friend and number-one assistant this whole time so you could spy on me for that pompous fascist!?” One of the tiles Twilight was standing on cracked in half.
Applejack stepped between Twilight and Spike. Twilight appeared to suffer a moment of clarity, but it passed quickly.
Twilight vanished again, reappearing on the throne. “She’s been grooming me for greatness my entire life, stringing me along so she could keep me placated and out of the way. Using moles and friendship reports to spy on me to make sure I didn’t try to oppose her. Well, now I’m going to take what’s mine. You don’t deserve a kingdom, Princess, and Twilight Sparkle the Omnipotent deserves nothing less.”
“I am sorry, Twilight.” Celestia flared out her wings. “I had hoped not to resort to this, but you leave me no choice. Discord’s magic obviously has too great a hold on you.” Celestia’s horn began to glow, but Twilight continued to sit in her chair, unmoving.
“Stand back my little ponies,” Celestia declared. Magic flared around her body, her coat shining a brilliant gold. Her eyes followed suit. She strode confidently forward, her eyes locked on Twilight in case she tried something.
And then she fell forward spectacularly, her face scraping along the ground a few inches before she came to a stop. Her magical aura was rather less impressive around her royal rear, stuck high into the air.
“Ow,” she muttered.
Five pairs of eyes swung to the spot she had tripped, only to discover a yellow hoof poking across the floor.
Twilight smiled maniacally, and in an instant she had summoned a huge sheet of pitch-black metal and slid it underneath Celestia’s bottom-heavy form. She fired a bolt of magic at the ceiling, and a floorless cage shot downward, meeting the metal plate and fusing with it perfectly.
“Haha! Oh man, betrayed by Fluttershy! What a twist!” Pinkie shoved another hoof-full of popcorn into her mouth.
“Fluttershy, what the hay!?” Applejack dashed over and shoved a hoof into the pegasus’ chest. “Have you gone even more mental than Twilight!?”
“Whoa, calm down, AJ. I’m sure Flutters has a good reason.” Dash turned uncertainly to the yellow pegasus. “Right?”
Applejack turned to glare at Rainbow, but swung her head back when Fluttershy began to speak.
“Oh, well, uhm, I just thought she had a good argument. I mean, Celestia really has never been an effective leader. Somepony has to protect Equestria from itself.”
“Why you misguided, overbearin’—” Applejack’s insult was interrupted by a bright purple flash. The space previously occupied by Fluttershy was empty.
A soft cackle emanated from the throne, and everypony turned to see a semi-nauseous Fluttershy standing next to Twilight.
Philomena squawked loudly.
“Ignore them, Fluttershy.” Twilight didn’t bother to look at her accomplice. “After all, I’m the hero, and heroes are always right. That’s why villains are always defeated in the end. Your loyalty is well-placed.” Twilight tore her eyes from Celestia’s cage to look at the rest of her friends. “Now…what am I going to do with the rest of you?”
The room waited, almost completely silent. The only sound was a few faint whistles coming from the stained-glass windows. One of them had been struck by a spear during Twilight’s attack, leaving a circular hole where a glass cloud should have been. Another had been struck by an errant lightning spell, removing one of Discord’s arms. The third was a simple motif of Celestia, and Twilight had kicked that one in the face after the battle had ended.
The breeze passed, and silence settled across the scene. Nopony moved, nopony said a word. A few of them even held their breath; after hearing Twilight’s statement, no responses came to mind.
A dull crunch echoed off the walls. Before the silence could reassert itself, another one followed. A dozen eyeballs swung towards the sound, just in time to see Pinkie put another piece of popcorn into her mouth.
Applejack frowned. “Pinkie, don’tcha think that still might be inappropriate?”
A hoof-full of popcorn entered Pinkie’s mouth. “Nope!”
Applejack opened her mouth to say something, but a stirring from Celestia’s cage caught her attention. She knelt down, trying to get a better look at her. “Princess, are ya alright?”
Fluttershy craned her neck upward. “You didn’t hurt her, did you?” she asked quietly. She flinched. Twilight had leaned forward, her face inches away from Fluttershy’s.
“Don’t coddle the enemy, Fluttershy,” Twilight whispered. “We already agreed this was for the best.”
The pegasus looked at the ground, one hoof idly rubbing her shoulder. “I know, but…”
“There are no ‘buts’. I’m right!” Twilight turned back to Celestia’s cage. One of her ears flicked. Her wings remained eerily still, but a thin shimmer of electricity traveled along one of them. “I’m always right.”
Celestia finally stood up. She turned her neck to the side and a loud crick slipped out of it. Her wings followed suit. “I am fine, Applejack. Though my pride may be a little rugburned.”
“Like the cage, Princess?” Twilight called. She smacked Philomena’s cage with a hoof. It rattled briefly as the phoenix let out an irate squawk. “Made the unicornium all by myself.”
“What’s unicornium?” Applejack asked.
“It reflects magic,” Celestia explained.
Pinkie giggled. “Well, that sure is a corny name!”
“I think it sounds cute,” Rarity said.
“I agree,” Rainbow added.
Celestia ignored them and leaned towards one of the bars. It was slightly crooked, and a few pits and discolorations pockmarked the surface. The metal itself was pitch-black and shiny, just as unicornium was supposed to be. The plate below her was flat, but the ceiling had several noticeable undulations and waves across its surface. The entire cage had very simplistic, boxy construction, but it appeared to be welded together correctly.
She put a hoof to her chin. Not the highest grade, but certainly strong enough to create a feedback loop. Breaking it is possible, but it would cause collateral damage before I could get free.
A smile curled up one edge of Twilight’s mouth. “Try all you like, but I can assure her highn-ass that she won’t be able to break that.”
“Actually”—Applejack pointed a hoof at the cage—“she figured you set traps, so she didn’t call Princess Luna so we would have some backup.” Applejack’s eyes went wide, and her hoof slowly, listlessly drifted down. “And…and I prolly shouldn’t’ve told ya that…”
Twilight put a hoof to her chin, and gave it a few thoughtful rubs. Her smile didn’t fade, and her eyes drifted lazily over to Celestia. “Ah, yes. Princess Sleepyhead. First thing I did when I got here was put a soundproofing spell around her room.” Twilight clapped her hooves together. The smile grew a little bigger. “But I can worry about her later! Now that Celestia is out of the way, I can finish deciding what to do with the rest of you!” Her voice finally resembled something approaching happiness, although one corner of her mouth was still a bit higher than the other. “It’s not too late for us to be best friends again, you know!”
A blue hoof shot into the air. “Ooh! Me!”
Applejack jerked Rainbow’s hoof back down. She leaned in. Her voice had a conspiratorial tone, and her face had a well-used frown on it. “Rainbow, what are ya doin’? She’s crazy and we’re here ta help her, remember?”
Twilight let out a brusque chuckle. Some ponies might have called it a “maniacal cackle” instead. It echoed faintly in either case. “Oh, but Applejack, you can help me!” Twilight swept a hoof slowly across the room. “Twilight Sparkle the Omnipotent has a place for everypony in her glorious new regime.” She locked eyes with Spike. “I still need a number one assistant, after all.”
Spike rubbed his shoulder, but didn’t make eye contact with Twilight.
Twilight swept her gaze across the room. Her friends were still scattered across it. Pinkie was halfway into her bag of popcorn. Rarity stood next to her, unusually quiet. Rainbow and Applejack were hunched together a few feet in front of them, holding hooves near Celestia’s cage. Her uneven smile grew another notch bigger.
“And just think of all the other jobs that need to be done around here!” she said. “Chief Charity Officer, Lead Party Planner, Executive Farming Director…”
Rarity poked her hoof into the air. “Ooh, I could do the first one! And perhaps the third one—I would not want any of my friends to overwork themselves.”
Pinkie slid onto Rarity’s back and stood up. She shoved her hoof upward as well, and it waggled excitedly a foot above Rarity’s. “Ooh, ooh, I could do the second one!”
Applejack spun around. “Have y’all gone even more mental than Twilight!? I know you’re hopped up on magic, but come on, really?” She jabbed a hoof at Celestia’s cage. “We’re supposed to be helpin’ fix all this, not makin’ things worse!”
“I don’t know.” Rarity bit her lower lip and put a hoof to her chin. “There are some things we could make better with Celestia out of the way.” Rarity’s eyes lit up. “Why, just think of the lives we could improve! Free, government-paid spa days!”
“Yeah, and free public parties!” Pinkie chirped. “Besides, that ‘highn-ass’ joke was pretty funny.”
Applejack rubbed her eyes. The insanity of the situation had been pressing on her all day, but this was an entirely new level of absurd. She opened her eyes, prepared to speak her mind to her friends, but instead she shrunk backward. Twilight stood millimeters from her.
That same smile was still melted onto the unicorn’s face. It was like yeasty bread; before you even realized it, the thing had grown exponentially. It had overgrown Twilight’s cheeks and flowed well past a normal grin. It was still slightly crooked.
Twilight leaned forward, and AJ took another step backward.
“You know, Applejack, if you don’t want to be my friend, that’s perfectly fine.” Twilight’s voice was even, but it clashed horribly with her expression. The façade of normalcy could not fool a single pony present. “Like I said, there’s room for everyone in my new Equestria, even the ones who underestimate and ridicule me.”
Twilight took another step forward, and Applejack took another step back. Applejack felt her tail brush against something. She glanced backward and saw Celestia’s cage blocking her way backward, for several feet in both directions.
Twilight leaned in, and Applejack moved her neck back. The position strained her forelegs and back, but no other response came to mind.
“Why, just think!” Twilight said. “You could be my jester! Or I could seal your soul in a painting! I promise it would be very tasteful—certainly no nudity. And the background could even be an apple tree.”
“That doesn’t sound very nice,” Fluttershy muttered to herself on the other side of the room.
Twilight ear flicked. “Fluttershy dear, don’t interrupt me.” Her smile didn’t change in the slightest. A sizzle of electricity ran along her mane.
Twilight gasped. “Or even better. You could be my pet!” She rubbed her hooves together. “Oh yes, I can see it now. You could have a nice little bed next to my throne, and we could put your cutie mark on some food and water dishes. I have the perfect collar in mind. Leather, of course—only the very best for Twilight Sparkle the Omnipotent and her pets. I was sort of thinking Celestia could be my pet, but now I think I might just seal her in the sun with the Elements.” Twilight leaned forward, and Applejack leaned further back. The back of the earth pony’s cowboy hat pressed into one of the bars of Celestia’s cage, squishing uncomfortably.
Twilight planted a hoof on one of the bars, inches from Applejack’s face. The clang of her shoe hitting the bar echoed throughout the entire room. Celestia froze mid-step, the hoof seemingly pointed right at her, daring her to interfere.
“So, what do you think?” Twilight asked matter-of-factly. She planted her other hoof on a different bar, cutting off the other half of Applejack’s peripheral vision. “Painting? Jester? I personally love the pet plan, but I’ll leave it up to you.”
Applejack could feel Twilight’s breath shifting and jostling her mane. She opened a corner of her mouth. “Rainbow Dash, do something!” she whispered loudly. A tinge of panic crept into her voice.
“Oh, uhm, I like the pet idea!” Rainbow offered.
“No, I mean help me!”
“Uhm, okay.” Rainbow put a hoof to her chin and bit her lip pensively. “How exactly do you want me to help, again?”
“Stop Twilight!”
Rainbow took a step forward. The magic soaking her body suddenly felt very heavy and she quickly stopped. She tried to take another, but her body didn’t move.
“But, Twilight’s my friend, right?” Dash’s voice was drenched with uncertainty. She glanced at the floor. Her limbs still wouldn’t move.
“I’m yer friend, too, remember?” Applejack started to panic a little more. Her hat scrunched between the bar and her head as she tried in vain to lean away from Twilight.
There was a bright purple flash and Dash looked up. Twilight and her crooked, oversized smile was millimeters from Rainbow’s face.
“You can’t be friends with us both, Rainbow Dash.” Twilight’s voice was deceptively monotone, a stark contrast to her body language. “Pick your side now. I could always use another pet, after all.”
“But… But couldn’t we all just be friends? Group hug, maybe?” Dash asked. She reached forward with a hoof, but it struck an invisible shield an inch away from Twilight’s skin.
Rarity opened her mouth to say something, but the tile in front of her cracked in half. Her mouth snapped shut and she scooted backward.
“Don’t interrupt me,” Twilight said flatly. She leaned forward, her eyes still locked on Rainbow Dash. “Applejack is my enemy, remember? And so is Celestia and anypony else who questions Twilight Sparkle the Omnipotent.” Twilight leaned further forward, the shield pressing into Rainbow’s face. “Who’s it gonna be? Your best friend, or some mouthy traitor?”
“I…uhm…both?” Rainbow asked. Her voice wavered slightly.
Twilight leaned forward. “Pick one, Rainbow.” She paused a little between each word. Her wings twitched again.
“I…I don’t…” Rainbow brought a hoof to her head. Her mind was swimming. These are two of my best friends. I can’t choose between them, can I? Can I? Should I? Why do I have to choose between them in the first place? I don’t…
“Rainbow?” AJ said softly from where she had collapsed onto the floor. She propped herself up in order to get a better look at her friend.
Rainbow fell backwards onto her rump. Her hooves clamped reflexively over her mouth. Her head had gone from swimming to drowning to dolphin-kicking and back to swimming. Before she could even understand what was happening, her throat clenched up. Her hooves snapped down and she vomited spectacularly. A stream of blue liquid spilled out of her mouth and splattered onto Twilight and across the floor, a trail going across Twilight and up to Rainbow’s mouth. Rainbow Dash sat groggily for a moment, her body swaying noticeably for a few seconds, before she slumped backward into unconsciousness.
“Rainbow Dash!” Fluttershy and Applejack shouted in unison.
Twilight recoiled, reflexively taking several steps backward. The blue gunk had stuck to her forcefield, hovering a few inches in front of her.
“Oh, that is disgusting!” Twilight’s horn lit up and the goop began to slough off her, like water off a raincoat. It pooled on the floor, and the trail of slime slowly crept together into a single large patch. It was as if each individual droplet was magnetic, each one silently sliding forward until they finally coalesced onto a single, sizable section of the floor.
Twilight shook herself violently, like a dog coming in after a storm. “Hmph. Honestly Rainbow, you should aim at somepony less important for things like that. I will need to make sure all my pets have very thorough obedience training, to avoid such situations.”
The puddle of bright blue goo sat menacingly on the ground in between the two ponies. It almost looked rubbery, with a bright shine across its smooth surface. A bubble started to grow out of it, but after a moment it seemed to change its mind and shrink back down. Two smaller ones followed the example, and soon the puddle was a roiling mass of seething, unpopping bubbles.
Fluttershy ran forward. Steps away from the throne, Twilight appeared in front of her.
“What did I say about aiding the enemy?” she said sharply.
“But—”
“But nothing. It is me or them. And you chose me, remember?”
There was a clack of hooves on tile.
“But—”
Another clack, almost as if somepony was hopping.
“Don’t worry, Rainbow Dash will be fine,” Twilight said. “And when she wakes up, we can start the etiquette lessons immediately.”
Fluttershy’s jaw fell open and she jabbed a hoof forward. “Pinkie, don’t eat that!”
Everypony present turned around just in time to see the last of the blue gunk enter Pinkie’s mouth.
“Mmmm…chewy!” she declared. Her jaw made a loud smacking noise as she worked it up and down. It sounded like an attempt to chew gum and car tires at the same time as a soggy towel and hard cheese. The sound halted as Pinkie swallowed, her loud gulp echoing across the room instead.
For a brief moment, a loud splash reverberated across the room, as if the goop had already landed in her stomach and decided to announce it to everypony.
Pinkie swooned, swaying sideways on her feet before catching herself and putting a hoof to her head.
“I feel funny…” Pinkie shook her head violently. Her mane flopped erratically around her head, bouncing in every possible direction. Each time her forelock or a strand of hair changed directions, a few small slips of colored paper slid out the end and started floating lazily to the floor. Before long, piles of confetti littered the ground around her, like a piñata had thrown up and passed out.
Fluttershy recoiled. “Pinkie, what did you…?”
Twilight stepped forward. “That is a very good question.” Her eyes narrowed, and her voice sounded of emotionless menace.
“Wow, everypony is in a really bad mood today…” Pinkie gasped and her eyes widened. “You know what would make everypony feel better?” She leapt forward, and there was an audible, unmistakable boing as she jumped. Her hooves landed on the tiles with a thunderous clack, and as she landed another handful of confetti spilled out of her mane and tail, settling onto the floor. She grinned one of her trademark Pinkie grins. “A party!”
The moment the word had left her mouth, a pink, two-layer birthday cake appeared behind her. No sound accompanied its appearance. It materialized in the exact spot she had just leapt out of, haphazardly ringed by confetti. The word “PARTY!” was written across the top in white frosting. A candle with a twisting, pink-andwhite pattern served as the exclamation point’s period.
“Pinkie, that candle is a fire hazard…” Fluttershy said as loudly as she dared, which was not very loud at all.
Pinkie took another big, bouncy jump, and the same cartoony sound effect spilled out of nowhere to match the motion. A second, identical cake appeared where she had started her jump. She added another row of teeth to her grin. “You know what, I don’t know why I felt so weird a moment ago. I feel great!”
Twilight ground her teeth together for a brief moment, then took a step forward. “Pinkie, you are making a mess in my castle, and you are using entirely too much magic. Twilight Sparkle is the only omnipotent sorceress around here!” Twilight’s horn flashed, and there was a loud, electric crack. When the light faded, a glowing purple cage had appeared around Pinkie. It resembled a birdcage, but the bars and flooring were made out of translucent, lavender energy. It hummed softly, just like Twilight’s wings.
Pinkie tilted her head to the side, her smile aimed directly at Twilight. “Oh, don’t be a party pooping Patty, Twilight!” she said excitedly. Another cake appeared to the right of her cage. The frosting melted slightly from the heat flowing off the bars. “It’s impossible to feel bad at a party! And don’t you worry, I’ll handle everything. First thing we need—” She tapped the cage with a hoof, delicately prodding it for the briefest moment. The cage sagged slightly, every part of it deflating a barely perceptible millimeter. A twisting indent slowly appeared on the glowing bars, as if an invisible knife had decided to carve them into likenesses of candy canes. The same channels appeared on the other parts of the cage, deepening and stretching and growing. The magic sheen of the structure faded completely as it drooped further down.
Pinkie threw her hoofs up. “Streamers!” she shouted. The bars finally broke apart completely and the cage collapsed into a pile of purple crepe paper. At the same moment, a web of identical strips unspooled across the rooftop and raced up the unbroken pillars around the room.
Pinkie leapt towards the door, another cake appearing behind her. “Oh man, this is gonna be the best party ever!”
A bright pink flash filled the room. When it faded, the only signs of Pinkie were a trail of confetti leading out of the doors and into the hallway, and a bundle of blue and yellow balloons where she had been standing.
Twilight turned her head towards Fluttershy. The rest of her body did not budge. The movement was so sharp and rapid that a casual observer might have feared for her spine. Fluttershy certainly did.
“Fluttershy, keep an eye on the prisoners,” Twilight barked. She turned back towards the doors, and her eyes narrowed. With a crackle of electricity and a burst of light, she vanished. The only evidence she had been there was a large, circular scorch mark on the floor.
Rarity smiled. “Well, that went quite well! Much better than I had expected.”
