> Just How Much It Hurts
>  by Boopy Doopy
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> A Familiar Face
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sweet Tea gasped in surprise at the pony who entered into her office. It was the last pony she ever expected to see again, and for a moment, the sight of the stallion made her confused and terrified. However, it was just a moment those feelings lasted, as they were quickly replaced with feelings of anger and hatred for him.
“What are you doing here?” she demanded, almost yelling. “If you don’t get outta my office right now-”
She wasn’t able to say much more than that as she watched the stallion retch where he was, and then, a few seconds later, vomit all over her carpet. With that, he staggered back a few steps and fainted, collapsing to the floor. It was completely unexpected, and she stood staring at him with her mouth slightly open, surprised at the way the last few seconds unfolded. She never expected to see him again, and certainly didn't expect to see him vomiting onto her office floor. She didn’t know how to react, although she knew there were a few ways she could.
She could just find a guardspony and have them take him away. It was the easiest option, and he’d be both out of sight and out of mind. Well, never truly out of mind, but it was a convenient solution regardless. He might even go back to jail, depending on what she told the guardspony. Of course, she could also simply leave him lying there in her office and leave for the night, waiting for somepony else to find him, or even potentially die from hitting his head on the carpet. It might be cruel, but he deserved it, after all. Or better yet, she could use this opportunity to get payback for what he did to her. After what the stallion did, she deserved to be able to take her revenge on him.
Luckily for him, though, Sweet Tea was neither the cruel nor vengeful type, and wasn't a liar, either. She’d just find a Guardspony, have them take him out of her office, and that would be the end of it. At least, that was what the plan was going to be until she saw him starting to stir. She quickly looked around her office for something to use to defend herself before settling on a pair of scissors, holding it out in front of her threateningly as the stallion started to pick himself up.
“I’d stay where I was if I were you,” Sweet Tea said menacingly as the stallion tried to get on his hooves.
The stallion stopped moving and looked at the mare fearfully, as though he’d forgotten she was there in the brief time he was out. Sweet Tea met his gaze and looked him in the eyes, and in response, he shrank back and looked at the ground. She thought that he looked like he’d been caught doing something wrong, and watched his breathing get faster as his legs began to shake. And he was doing something wrong. He had no business being anywhere near her after what he did.
She humped at that angrily. “Your legs weren’t shaking when you violated me,” she thought as she kept the scissors firmly in her hooves. “Except maybe in excitement.” 
The two stood tense for a long moment of silence, the mare continuing to stare at him, the stallion continuing to look away from her. Sweet Tea had her jaw clenched as she watched him, wondering what in Equestria gave him the nerve to show his face to her again. She knew she ought to have taken the broom in the office's closet and beat him over the head with it for thinking he could come here, but once again, she wasn’t somepony who would do such a thing out of spite. Not only that, but as twisted as it was, she was a bit curious to know why he was there. She knew she should just drive him out right then and there, but against her better judgment, she decided that she would question him for a little while before sending him off, using force to drive him away if necessary. Regardless, she was not going to let what happened before happen to her again, and would fight with all her might if she had to.
“You have some nerve showing your face to me again,” she spat, her jaw still clenched, filled with an extreme amount of hate for him.
The stallion felt a wave of shame and mortification wash over him as he tried to speak, continuing to look at the ground. “I- I-” he stuttered, unable to look at her.
“You what?” Sweet Tea demanded. “You wanted to try and rape me again? Maybe kill me this time, too?”
The stallion didn’t know why he didn’t realize just how bad of an idea this was. He should’ve known that his finding and visiting her would have been unwanted at best and distressing and stalkerish at worst. He thought she looked like she had half a mind to kill him right there, and he found himself with a very strong urge to run away. However, he forced himself to stay. He was there now, so he knew he might as well try and tell her what he wanted to say.
“I- I j-j-just....” he started again, “I w-w-wanted t-to ap-p-p-pologize…”
“You want to apologize?” she seethed. “Do you understand how you made me feel? You humiliated me! You made me feel worthless. You made me feel so ashamed of myself, so bad about myself that I actually considered killing myself because of you! It took so long for me to tell myself that it wasn’t my fault for what you did to me, and now you think it’s okay to just show up here and see me? You wanna apologize to me? You should still be locked up for what you did!”
The stallion hiccuped. “I’m sorry,” he told her, his teeth chattering, still unable to meet her gaze.
“Well, isn’t that nice to hear,” she told him sarcastically. “That makes me feel so much better.”
“I r-r-really am…” he continued, something sounding a bit like desperation working its way into his voice.
“Get out of my office,” Sweet Tea growled lowly, the hate in her voice clear as day. “I don’t ever want to see your face anywhere near here again. I might not be so kind and let you leave if there's a next time, understand?” She then paused for a second, adding bitterly, “I just hope nopony ever makes you feel the way you made me feel.”
With that, the stallion started to sob loudly, to the extreme aggravation of the mare, who clenched her jaw tightly and looked at him with anger. She knew he had absolutely nothing to cry about, and was just about to say as much when she saw him start to retch again. She watched him heave a few times, and then saw as more vomit fell onto her carpet, this time mostly bile. With that, he fell down again, his tears hitting the floor as he cried.
Sweet Tea had to admit, despite who she was dealing with, she was at least a tiny bit concerned. While it was possible to fake tears, it was much more difficult to fake throwing up, and fake it twice at that. Not only that, but she had to assume that most rapists wouldn’t go through the trouble of trying to fake vomit. Most rapists wouldn’t even go through the trouble of feeling bad and trying to apologize. Despite the hate she held for the stallion, she had to admit she was curious what provoked this reaction from him.
“Why are you crying?” she asked him forcefully, although with a little less anger than before. She heard him quiet his sobs as he looked into her eyes, and she continued, “It’s not like it happened to you.”
The stallion quickly turned his head away, sniffing as he choked back his tears, feeling the well of emotions stir within him. He knew what he did was wrong, both before and after he did what he did, and honestly felt bad for her and a little ashamed of himself after doing what he did. And then… 
“It’s not like it happened to you, right?” she pressed.
He glanced into her eyes, and quickly looked away again, choking back a sob, but the glance she got from him was enough. It told her everything she needed to know, and it sent a shudder through her. 
“Oh,” she whispered quietly, then added with a bit of anger, “Well… now you know how you made me feel.”
“I’m sorry…” he whispered back to her quietly, curling up tightly on the floor, still looking away.
Except for the occasional sniffle from the stallion, the room was silent for quite a while. Sweet Tea found it almost hard to believe that someone who could do something so horrible could have that same horrible thing happen to them. Of course, he could have been lying, but from the way he was acting, she knew he probably wasn’t. She should have been happy that he knew exactly how he made her feel, but she wasn’t. She meant it when she said she hoped nopony would ever make him feel the same way he made her feel.
While she did feel sad for him though, it didn’t take away her anger and hate she had for him. He should have known better than to do something so horrible to her. It shouldn’t have taken him being violated in the same way for him to realize it was wrong. Not that she knew what happened. She didn’t even know if anything happened to him. All she had to go off of was a look in his eye. 
“Look at me,” she started quietly, getting no response. Sweet Tea spoke louder. “Look at me,” she commanded the stallion. The stallion brought his eyes back to hers, still very wet from his tears. He knew the question she was about to ask, and he really didn’t want to have to answer it.
“Were you raped?” she asked him with the bluntness of a hammer.
He started to move his head to turn away once again, but she used her words to interrupt him. “No,” she told him. “You don’t get to turn away from me. You know what you did to me, so I get to know if it happened to you. It’s a yes or no question.”
The stallion's teeth chattered as he mustered up the strength to answer her question. “I-” he started, then closed his eyes, not being able to look at her another second longer. “Yes…” he choked out quietly.
The mare felt herself deflate at his answer. As much as she hated him and as angry as she was, she didn’t want what she thought was true to be confirmed by him. Even as horrible of a pony as he was, she truly felt that nopony deserved to have to go through what happened to her. Or, as the stallion now confirmed, what happened to him, too.
“Tell me what happened,” she suddenly instructed him, in a voice that was both soft and forceful. Sweet Tea watched him shake his head and try to speak, but she cut him off before he could. “No, you don’t get to say no to me. You’re gonna tell me. Like I said, you know exactly what happened to me, so I get to know exactly what happened to you.”
The stallion once again shook his head, turning away from her. The mare waited a few seconds, then shook her own head and sighed. “I can’t believe I’m doing this,” she said aloud to herself as she made her way over to him. “I’m too nice for my own good.” She crouched down and grabbed his hoof, saying, “Look, I’ll make it easy on you. I’ll just ask questions, and you just tell me yes or no, okay?” With no response from him, she continued, “Did it happen in the last year? Squeeze my hoof if it’s a yes.”
She waited several seconds for him to do something, but felt no response come from him. However, just before she started to ask another question, she felt a very weak squeeze on her hoof.
“Was it in the last six months?” she asked. This time, she didn’t need to wait so long to feel his hoof squeeze hers. “The last two months?” Squeeze. “The last four weeks?” Squeeze. “The last ten days?” Squeeze. “The last five days?” Squeeze. “The last three days?” Squeeze. “Yesterday?”
With that, the stallion stopped squeezing her hoof. Sweet Tea waited a few seconds, to see if anything would happen, then asked, “So it happened the day before yesterday?”
There was a long pause before the stallion finally answered in a whisper, “Yes.”
The mare sighed painfully at that. The day before yesterday. What was she doing then? Eating out with a friend? Visiting her parents? And yet, while that was happening, this stallion was having the worst day of his whole life. Even though he’d done the same thing to her years ago, he still didn’t deserve what happened to him.
It was a weird thought, a weird scenario altogether that she had found herself in. She couldn't imagine somepony like him suffering the same way he made her suffer. She couldn't even imagine the conversation she was having with him right then. She'd gone from holding scissors to defend herself from him to asking him to tell her about what she knew was a very traumatic experience for him in the span of just a few minutes. She could feel herself soften up as her anger and hate started to dissipate.
“Did it happen during the day, or at night?”
“N-n-n-nightt-t-time…”
“How many ponies were there?”
“F-four…” he sniffed.
Another sigh escaped her. She really hated hearing this from him. It was bringing back the awful memories of the night she met him. She couldn’t help the sudden surge of renewed hate that swept through her, couldn’t stop the feeling that told her he got what he rightfully deserved.
“Stop that,” Sweet Tea commanded herself. "Nopony, nopony, no matter how horrible they are, deserves to feel the way you felt, or the way he’s feeling right now.”
She took a deep breath, giving herself a second to calm down, and continued, “Tell me what happened.”
The stallion’s voice shook and his lip trembled as he spoke. “I- was walking home… it was night… and then they…” The stallion hiccuped and choked back a sob before continuing. “I- f-four unicorns g-g-grabbed me and wrapped me in th-th-their m-magic…”
“What did they say?” the mare whispered, still holding his hoof.
“That- that- that- that they would k-kill me if I- I didn’t do what they said. They said they'd k-kill me if I t-t-tried to fight...”
Sweet Tea exhaled and closed her eyes. “That’s very similar to what you told me," she responded, pushing back memories that were trying to resurface.
“I- I’m so sorry,” he tried to tell her through his tears.
She exhaled again and continued, “Tell me what happened next.”
He hiccuped again, starting, “I- I- I… they…”
He didn’t go further, and didn’t need to. She already had a mental picture of what happened to him in her head, one she wished she didn’t have. All of the anger that was directed at him had evaporated, being replaced with sadness and sorrow. She unfortunately knew exactly how he felt and hated that he had to feel the same way, even if he was the one who caused her to feel the way she did in the first place.
“They didn’t physically assault you, did they?” Sweet Tea asked. “They didn’t punch you and kick you or anything like that, right?”
“No, but I h-had to go to th-the hospital…”
She couldn’t help but grimace at those words and the gruesome thought they put into her head. “I’m so sorry…” she told him genuinely.
“They made me feel so horrible…” he said as he choked back another sob.
The mare sighed. “Just like the way you made me feel.”
“I- I’m s-s-s-s-sorry!” he pleaded to her.
“I understand that,” she responded in a whisper that was barely audible. There was another long moment of silence, being broken only by the stallion's hiccups, before Sweet Tea said, “Tell me how you feel right now.”
He shivered and said to her, “I- I feel… p-powerless. I f-feel worthless, like it’s m-m-my fault…” He then turned his head and looked into her eyes, telling her through his tears with complete sincerity, “I’m so sorry I made you feel that way…”
“I know you’re sorry,” she told him, “but telling me you’re sorry isn’t going to make those feelings go away for me. It’s not going to change what you did to me, and it’s certainly not going to change what they did to you. I can tell you that those feelings are going to stay with you for a long time, probably for the rest of your life. But you just- you gotta keep pushing on. Trust me, you’re not gonna wanna stay dwelling on it forever.”
Sweet Tea couldn’t believe she was giving counseling advice to her rapist. It was just about the strangest thing she’d ever done in her whole life, maybe the strangest thing anypony had ever done.
“I’m so sorry…” he said again, wishing desperately that he hadn’t hurt her years ago and that they hadn’t hurt him days ago.
“Now listen,” she told him sternly, “you don’t gotta keep telling me sorry. I heard it once, and that’s enough, okay?”
“You- you probably think I deserve it, don’t you?”
“Now, don’t go sticking words I didn’t say in my mouth. I never once hoped for you to get raped, and I certainly am not happy that it happened now. I don’t care who you are, nopony deserves to be violated. Nopony deserves to feel the way we feel.”
The stallion sniffed, staying quiet for a second, before whispering, “I’m sorry...”
 Once again, the mare sighed. “Look, I forgive you. I forgive you because you know just how horrible you made me feel. You know just how badly it hurts. So you don’t need to tell me sorry anymore, okay?”
“O-okay,” he answered, shuddering as he wiped his eyes.
“Now get out of here and go get yourself cleaned up while I… clean up the mess you made.”
He waited a few seconds before speaking again, telling her, “I- I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I wish you could know just how sorry I am. I hate myself for what I did to you, and I- I wish I could take it back…”
“Once again, I can’t believe I’m about to do this,” Sweet Tea thought, before telling the stallion, “Come here…”
He slowly stood up and very shakily walked over to her to receive the very last thing expected from her: a hug. She held him in a tight embrace, and he could feel himself starting to cry again.
“I know you’re sorry, okay?” she whispered. “I know you’re sorry. It’s not gonna take away the pain and anger I feel, and it's not gonna take back what you did to me, but I do appreciate knowing you’re sorry for what you did.” There was a moment of silence before she continued. “I forgive you,” she whispered. “I know you feel just as bad as me right now, and I know you know just how much it hurts, so I forgive you."