A pair of false eyelashes is all you need
Long gone were Dumb-bell’s old days of bullying “Rainbow Crash.”
After years of being the bully, he decided on his own to make a change. The delinquent pegasus got his act together in school, did community service to help elderly ponies, got a steady girlfriend, and he was now studying business at Canterlot University, one of the most prestigious universities in all of Equestria.
But when Dumb-bell’s old friend Hoops wrote to him, and said he’d be in Canterlot for three days, Dumb-bell suggested a double date, for them to catch up on old times.
They and their girlfriends were supposed to meet tonight, at 8pm. Which didn’t leave much time for Dumb-bell to finish his schoolwork. So after class, he spent the whole afternoon in his dorm room, hitting the books.
At around 6:45, Dumb-bell’s roommate walked in, carrying a gym bag. “‘Sup, dude,” he said.
Dumb-bell briefly looked up from his textbooks. “‘Sup, Winter.” he replied.
Dumb-bell’s roommate was Winter Flame, a young male kirin who had come to Canterlot U on an exchange program to study mechanical engineering. He had a blue coat, violet eyes, and a luscious golden mane that wrapped around his entire neck.
Winter Flame used his magic to levitate his gym bag onto his bed. “Dumb-bell, are you still studying for that math test? Dude, relax. It’s not until Tuesday.”
“I won’t have much time this weekend,” Dumb-bell said. “And besides, math class kicks ass.”
Winter Flame couldn’t disagree. “Well, you should’ve at least come to the Pilates for Quadrupeds class today.”
Dumb-bell gave his roommate a look. “Pilates? Do you even know me?”
“Aw c’mon, dude, it’s a good workout. And that Pilates instructor, I tell you…” he whistled. “That mare was really hot. You should’ve seen her when she bent over to demonstrate the downward dog pose.”
“So…” Dumb-bell moved his eyebrows up and down. “Did you make a move?”
“Of course not, what do you think I am, a pervert!?” Winter Flame chuckled. “In fact, I don’t think she even knew that I’m a guy. I mean, as long as I don’t speak, I look exactly like a female kirin, except for the eyelashes.” He paused. “Plus…the obvious, of course,” he quickly added, subconsciously squeezing his hind legs closer together.
Winter Flame began unpacking his gym bag. “Oh, Dumb-bell, I got your mail for you while I was out. Here ya go.” He handed him a few thin envelopes.
The kirin started to detangle his neck mane in front of the mirror. “So, you excited for this double date tonight, Dumb-bell?” Normally he wouldn’t be curious, but Winter Flame was just glad that he could get the room to himself tonight.
“Yeah, I haven’t seen Hoops in ages since I left Cloudsdale,” Dumb-bell said as he opened the envelopes. “It’ll be nice to catch up.”
“To catch up?”
“Yeah. Hoops and I go way back. We used to mess around and tease each other, like boys do, you know what I’m talking about…” he trailed off.
Winter Flame turned away from the mirror and gave Dumb-bell a smug look.
“Oh wait…you spent a huge chunk of your life under a vow of silence…didn’t you?”
“Yep.” Winter Flame continued detangling his mane. “But I mean, we still played around and stuff. Except, when you’re a kirin, what you call ‘messing around’ is like, a fire hazard. You know, ‘cause of niriks and stuff—”
“—yeah, I get ya.”
It was silent for a moment, until Winter Flame noticed Dumb-bell looking downcast. “What’s the matter?”
Dumb-bell skimmed the letter again to make sure. “Shit. My marefriend had to cancel. She’s got a sorority meeting tonight that she can’t miss.”
“Uh-oh. Can you reschedule?”
“No, I can’t, this is Hoops’s last day in Canterlot. I…I can’t believe it, I don’t have a date tonight.” Dumb-bell rested his head on his hooves and tried to think.
Could he, perhaps, bring a friend? She did say in the letter, I’m sorry that this is so last minute, I know how much this double date means to you. I’ll make it up to you, I promise. If it makes you feel more comfortable, I’m cool with you bringing a friend as your date tonight.
That was awfully considerate of her, but who could he bring? There was his sister, but she already had her hooves full with architecture school. Then there was that female changeling that always gave him “that look” in the communal bathroom. No, no, that wouldn’t be right. Even if his marefriend was okay with it…it just wouldn’t be fair to her.
“Why don’t you just go by yourself, and tell Hoops that your date cancelled?” Winter Flame suggested.
Dumb-bell grumbled. “You don’t understand, man. Hoops and I go way way back. When we were colts, he used to pick on me on how I’d never get a date when I grew up. And then it became like a running gag for our whole childhood. He used to call me ‘Dateless Dumb-bell.””
“That’s not that bad,” Winter Flame said. “You should hear what they call me when I bring free condoms to the Kirin Student Association meetings.”
“You haven’t heard the worst of it, Winter,” Dumb-bell said. “One time, he put me on a little cloud above the school yard, and he got all the ponies at the school to point at me and chant, ‘Dateless Dumb-bell! Dateless Dumb-bell! He’ll never get any, just as well!’”
Winter Flame frowned. “This ‘Hoops’ guy sounds like a pretty shitty dude, if you ask me.”
“Well, I don’t know. I haven’t seen him in so long…maybe he’s changed, like I have. I’m keepin’ an open mind. But one thing I know for sure that hasn’t changed—he can’t see me dateless. Never. No! I’ll never hear the END of it!”
Dumb-bell started to panic. He jerked his head up to look at the clock. “7:01…oh damn, even if I wanted ask someone else out…it’s too late.” He sunk his head in resignation. “It figures, doesn’t it? Now I’m always gonna be ‘Dateless Dumb-bell.’”
The downcast stallion paused. The room was silent. Then…he turned to his kirin roommate, who continued to meticulously groom his mane in the mirror.
“Unless…”
Winter Flame quickly jumped out of his daydream about the hot Pilates instructor. The kirin’s eyes widened. “Unh-unh! No! No way! I’m not being your—”
“Just eyelashes, you say…?”
And so, 1 hour later, Winter Flame was standing outside the Tasty Treat with Dumb-bell, wearing a set of false eyelashes from CVS.
“When is he getting here?” Dumb-bell checked the time again. “It’s already past 8.”
Winter Flame was fidgeting nervously. “Dude, I dunno about this. Let’s get outta here.”
“Relax man, your disguise is perfect. Honest opinion? 9 out of 10 I’d bang you right now,” Dumb-bell said casually.
Winter Flame rolled his eyes. “Considering my ass is still recovering from those bad cream puffs at the dining hall last week, I definitely did not want to hear that.”
“Shh, here he comes! Now, just stick to the plan like we agreed on, and everything will be fine.”
Hoops and his marefirend were already within sight. No turning back now. “Well, you better be damn right about this, Dumb-bell, or I’m gonna singe your ass!” Thin trails of fire appeared briefly in the corners of the kirin’s eyes.
“YO! What is UP, Dateless!” Hoops yelled, at double volume. “Oh! Hey hey hey, I see, I see, Dateless here’s got a HOT DATE! HA! You STUD!” The two old friends brohoofed and did a few other tackle moves that caused the pavement to shake.
Hoops’s marefriend stood crouched behind. “Erm…hi, I’m…”
Hoops interjected. “Oh yeah, this is the girlfriend. Little miss Flit-Flit-Flitter here.” He gave her a tight squeeze that only superficially resembled a hug.
“My name is Flitter.” She spoke very softly, at least compared to her boyfriend. “Hoops and I have been dating for about two years now. I met him at the Cloudsdale Annual Rainbow Factory Festival.” She let out a smile. “We’ve been inseparable ever since.”
Hoops stood there, awkwardly gazing at the ground as his girlfriend talked. When the meek voice stopped, Hoops immediately continued. “So tell me, who’s this smokin’ hot eye candy you got here, Dateless?” Hoops interjected. He was already scanning the kirin with his eyes.
Dumb-bell turned to his companion. Time to put the plan into action. “Erm, this is Winter Fl…ower,” Dumb-bell began. “Winter Flower. You must excuse her, she’s a silent kirin. The Stream of Silence irreversibly damaged his—I mean her—vocal cords.”
Winter “Flower” silently nodded and shrugged in acknowledgement.
“‘You must excuse her?’” Hoops scoffed. “What kinda language is that? You’ve been spendin’ too much time in snooty pony university, man.”
“Yeah, totally, haha.” Dumb-bell quietly laughed at his old pal’s “joke.”
“It’s such a pleasure to meet you all. So tell me, how did you two meet?” Flitter asked, only to receive a glare from her boyfriend.
Dumb-bell was never any good at coming up with stories. “We met…in college…a year ago. Erm. I…” He awkwardly gave Winter a hug, trying to mimic Hoops. “Love this guy—I mean gal! Love, love, love this gal—guy—no…erm…” The nervous sweat was starting to itch his fur.
Hoops and Flitter were right on the verge of being suspicious.
So without any warning, Dumb-bell pretty much tackled Winter "Flower" and gave the kirin a big, long, wet, sloppy kiss. Winter sure looked like a girl. But up close, the smell of Old Spice and day-old Doritos stuck in his teeth spoiled the illusion.
Never mind that, though. He just held his breath and pretended he was kissing a chick.
Winter did the same, except closing his eyes.
The three kirin and ponies were seated at their reserved table for four, in a quiet corner of the restaurant. “Good evening, welcome to the Tasty Treat. I am the owner, Coriander Cumin. Would you like to try our special drink of the month? It’s a palm wine toddy.”
“Sure, I’ll take a glass, please,” Dumb-bell said. Winter Flame tapped his shoulder while nodding. “Oh, my…girlfriend…would like one, too, please.”
“I’ll take one,” Hoops said. “Slice of lemon on the side. And hold off the ice will ya?”
Flitter inhaled as if she was about to speak, but Hoops cut her off. “She ain't having any,” he said, pointing to his girlfriend. “One drink and I swear, she’s on top of every guy and gal in the house.”
Dumb-bell chuckled awkwardly in agreement with his old pal. Flitter just whimpered, and hid her face from view.
“Okay then. I’ll get those drinks for you right away.” Coriander Cumin walked away, shaking his head and muttering in some foreign language.
The drinks arrived a few minutes later, along with a bowl of oven-roasted chana dal.
“So, erm, I really like your mane, Winter Flower,” Flitter said. “It’s so soft and shiny. Do you use conditioner every day?”
Winter “Flower” smiled at the compliment, and nodded in response to the question. What Flitter said was actually true.
“So have you always been mute, or did you—oh, you haven’t? Oh, so how long has it been since you lost your voice?”
The kirin took some of the roasted chana dal out of the bowl and counted them on a plate.
“Four…five…six…seven. Seven what?”
Dumb-bell glared at Winter Flame to remind him to stick to “the plan.” Winter had an idea. He pointed his hoof at a young foal at one of the tables, sitting in a high chair.
“Baby…yearling…year…oh, seven years!”
Winter Flame nodded, while giving Dumb-bell a smug wink. All those years of living in silence in the kirin lands, he had picked up a trick or two in non-verbal communication.
“It’s amazing how you can communicate like that,” Flitter said. “Don’t you think so, Hoops?”
Hoops was reclining back in his chair and popping chana dal in his mouth, as if he was only listening to Flitter to know when she had finished talking. “A silent kirin, huh?” he said. “I wish I dated a silent kirin. Can’t tell ya how many times I’ve wanted to get Flitter to shut up…” the stallion snickered.
Even Dumb-bell couldn’t laugh at that “joke.” Winter Flame gave Hoops a straight-up frown, but he didn’t seem to notice.
Flitter still only managed a silent whimper.
The restaurant owner returned. “Are you all ready to order?”
Winter Flame ordered the sag paneer set meal (with basmati rice, lassi, and gulab jamun), by pointing to it on the menu. Dumb-bell ordered the same. Hoops ordered the coconut red curry with naan.
Flitter was given a plate of grilled eggplant, because, according to Hoops, she had been “putting on weight in her fat ass” and it was “so unsexy.”
“All right, thank you, we’ll get those orders started right away.” The owner walked away, again shaking his head and muttering in a foreign language, except this time words like “douchebag” were recognizable.
The fragrant plates of food arrived about 10 minutes later. Winter Flame took his first bite, and even he couldn’t resist saying a barely audible “mmm!” You really can’t go wrong with the Tasty Treat.
Flitter stood up from the table. “Excuse me, Hoops, I’m gonna go freshen my makeup.”
“Sure thing, honey. You definitely need it,” he said, with a smug grin.
Flitter sighed and bit her lip.
Meanwhile, Dumb-bell was rummaging through his saddlebag. “Hey Winter, I think I dropped my sunglasses on the way here. Hold on, I’m gonna go look for it.” He walked out the restaurant front door, which was on the opposite end of where the bathroom was. Winter Flame tried to tug Dumb-bell’s fur to ask to go along with him, but it was too late.
So, there “she” was. Sitting alone at the table. With Hoops.
The stallion let out a sleazy chuckle. “So…where ya from, sweetheart?”
Winter Flame opened his mouth, but stopped his vocal cords from vibrating. As much as he wanted to scold Hoops for his rather ungentlemanly behavior, if he spoke, he’d give himself up right away.
“Oh right, you can’t speak,” Hoops said. “Well then, guess I better ask you a yes/no question. How ‘bout this. Me. You. Hotel room. Tonight. Boom boom.” He made corresponding “motions” with his hooves.
Winter Flame gave Hoops an angry glare.
“Relax, hun.” He moved over to Winter’s side of the table. “No one’s gotta know about this, except you and me.”
He began feeding Winter Flame with pieces of naan, covered in dribbling globs of red coconut curry. “You won’t be able to resist me, sweetheart. Just you wait till I get you under me.”
Fortunately for Winter Flame, he had been taught some very “non-verbal” ways of dealing with this.
Suffice to say, Hoops was secretly putting an ice pack between his hind legs for the rest of the night.
Flitter returned from the bathroom, her face glowing brightly from her fresh makeup. “Hey honey.”
Shortly after, Dumb-bell walked back in through the restaurant front door. “I found it. I left the case on a bench at the tram stop. Lucky that no one took it.”
As soon as Dumb-bell sat down, Winter Flame vigorously tapped his shoulder and beckoned with his head.
“Erm…sorry, man, can you excuse us? Ow! Not so hard!” Winter Flame was practically dragging Dumb-bell out of the restaurant with his hoof.
They were outside. “What the hell is it, Winter!?” Dumb-bell said. “Our food’s getting cold.”
Winter Flame exhaled sharply. “Dude, your friend Hoops, he’s a lech.”
“He’s what?”
“While you and Flitter were gone, he made a frickin’ pass at me! Asked me to sleep with him and shit!”
Dumb-bell cheered quietly. “Hey, the disguise worked! Nice job, man!” He gave him a pat on the back.
“That’s NOT the point!” Winter said, under clenched teeth. His fetlocks were starting to turn to fire, and that’s when Dumb-bell realized he meant business. “I…I can’t believe you’re standing up for him.”
Dumb-bell quickly changed his tone. “Well…did he hurt you? Are you okay?”
“No, no, he didn’t do none of that, I’m totally fine. He’s the one that should be hurting, actually. After he tried to hit on me, I punched him in the balls,” Winter Flame said, trying to suppress a mischievous giggle.
Winter Flame took a deep breath. “This…this isn’t about me, though. It’s about Flitter. You’ve met her, she’s such a sweet mare. She doesn’t deserve to date a jerk like that. I mean, dude, we gotta tell her what happened! At least talk to her about it—”
Dumb-bell shushed him with a hoof. “Look, Winter, you are NOT gonna screw this up for me. Everything is going according to plan. And for the first time in my life, I feel like Hoops truly respects me.”
“Why are you trying so hard to get his validation!? He’s a two-timing douchebag.”
“He’s my friend,” Dumb-bell said.
“Oh yeah? If you were really his friend, you’d be honest with him and tell him he’s being a jerk.”
Dumb-bell was silent. He kept going back to that day in the schoolyard. Dateless Dumb-bell. Dateless Dumb-bell. He’ll never get any, just as well.
It wasn’t even the words that hurt. The worst part was after the crowd dissipated. And he still had to go out for ice cream with his bully—no, buddy. And he forced himself to joke around with Hoops, like nothing had ever happened. Because, they were “friends.” And “friends” were cool with “that kind of thing.”
What kind of “friendship” was that?
“Look…Winter, I get what you’re sayin’ about Hoops. But…we should give him a chance. I used to be just as much of a jerk as him, and if nopony bothered to give me a chance…I wouldn’t be where I am today.”
Winter Flame grumbled. “Well, you know him better than I do. But from what I can see, he’s been given a helluva lot of chances, and he hasn’t taken any of them. Forget it. I’m gonna find some way of telling Flitter what happened, whether you like it or not.”
Thirty minutes into dessert, and neither Winter Flame nor Dumb-bell had told Flitter about the incident.
And Hoops continued to talk over his girlfriend. “So I’m with Flitter on our anniversary, right? And then, this hot chick walks up to me, okay? And I tell you, I was so plastered, that I slapped the wrong gal’s behind!” And then he erupted in laughter, briefly silenced by a large gulp of his fourth glass of palm wine.
Flitter just nodded obediently and picked at the last bits of her grilled eggplant. She was still very hungry.
Winter Flame couldn’t stand it anymore. He tapped Flitter’s shoulder and waved at her.
“Oh hi Winter! You…you wanna say something to me?” the mare said.
The kirin nodded. Then he paused. Communicating about a two-timing boyfriend wasn’t really something he learned in non-verbal communication. Back in the kirin lands, if a kirin was ever caught cheating on their significant other, it was quickly resolved by a horde of angry relatives and a nirik shaming circle.
How to communicate this? Your boyfriend made a pass at me. Okay, first two words. Your boyfriend. Winter Flame pointed to Hoops, who was still cracking lewd jokes in the background with Dumb-bell reluctantly laughing in agreement.
“Oh, you want to talk to Hoops? Not me?”
Winter Flame shook his head. He pointed to Flitter.
“You want to talk to me?”
He nodded. He pointed to Hoops again.
“You want to talk to both of us?”
He quickly shook his head. Might be a bit too soon for that.
“Okay, so why are you pointing at him—oh, oh, you mean you want to tell me something about him?”
Winter nodded vigorously.
Dumb-bell was half-listening to Hoops with his left ear, and half-listening to Flitter with his right ear. His right ear began twitching nervously.
“What about Hoops?” Flitter asked the kirin.
Made a pass at me. How to communicate that? The kirin first pointed to Hoops, then he began hugging and groping himself.
“You…you like hugging yourself?”
No. This wasn’t going to work. Pass. Pass. He crumpled a paper napkin into a ball, and tossed it to himself.
“Hoops talked to you about basketball? I know, he’s a huge fan.”
Winter spread his hooves out wide, and gave a macho frown. Then pointed at himself.
“You…you’re attracted to stallions?”
Meanwhile, Dumb-bell almost spit out his drink.
Winter Flame stopped to think. This wasn’t working. Flitter wasn’t understanding anything he was trying to say. Okay, how about talk about something else. Maybe…talk about Hoops feeding him. He fed me. That was easy enough to mime.
Winter picked up a fork from the table and bit down on the end with his mouth, while pointing at Hoops’s bowl of red curry.
“He…you ate some of his food?” Flitter guessed. “Why would you do that?”
“Hey, what’s goin’ on over here?” Hoops injected himself into the conversation.
“Winter Flower is trying to tell me something using her non-verbal communication.”
“Ha, ain't that pathetic,” Hoops scoffed. “I mean, look at her with that fork in her mouth. She looks practically retarded. But you remember what we used to say, right Dumb-bell?”
Dumb-bell shrugged apathetically.
Hoops was unfazed. “Retarded chicks, heh, you can’t have an intelligent conversation with ‘em, but they say all the right things in the bedroom. Well of course I should know all about retarded chicks after dating Flit-flit here for two whole years—”
“ALL RIGHT THAT DOES IT!!!”
…
…
…the whole table went silent.
Dumb-bell was curled up in his chair, preparing to face eternal embarrassment. Winter Flame’s ears were ringing. Hoops even dared to snicker.
Flitter was FUMING.
“Listen to me, HOOPS! I am NOT going to just SIT here, while you go around insulting ME and everyone else at this table! What right do you have to disparage Winter Flower like that!? She’s a SILENT kirin! And why should you care about who your friend dates?”
It was then that Flitter noticed a red stain and naan crumbs in Winter Flame’s neck fur.
“…curry…? Wait…” suddenly the puzzle pieces fell together. “You were FEEDING her, weren’t you, Hoops!? It wouldn’t be the first time either, you CHEATER! It’s like you wanna date everycreature else EXCEPT for me!”
The mare turned to Winter Flame. Her expression softened as she held the kirin’s hoof. “Winter Flower…I want to thank you. Girl, you are such an inspiration. Even though you’re unable to speak, you never let that stop you from asserting your thoughts and opinions. And meanwhile, here I am…able to say anything I want, yet I choose to stay silent. Well, not any longer!”
Flitter’s expression quickly returned to fury as she turned back to Hoops. “You wanna date somecreature else!? FINE! Be my guest! Date anyone you like! Because you can bet your life that it’s not gonna be ME!” Flitter picked up Hoops’s full glass of palm wine and splashed it in his face. Then she stormed out of the restaurant.
Hoops’s face suddenly turned desperate. “Wait! Sweetheart! No! Come back! You don’t understand!” He was last seen running out of the Tasty Treat, sobbing like a little filly and chasing after his now ex-girlfriend.
For five whole minutes afterwards, Winter Flame and Dumb-bell sat in silent shock.
Winter Flame sighed. “Sheesh, now I feel bad for tricking her like that.” He almost wanted to chase after Flitter and explain everything to her, but he decided against it.
Dumb-bell shrugged. “It’s all right. Maybe it wasn’t exactly what we were intending, but…you did good, Winter.”
“Well, I think Flitter deserves at least some of the credit. I mean, when you think about it…”—the kirin looked up from his glass—“…out of all of us, Flitter was the only one who actually had the balls to stand up and tell off Hoops. Ain't that saying something.” He chuckled, then unintentionally gazed down at the tuft in between his hind legs.
“But you were right, Winter. Hoops never deserved to be my friend.” Dumb-bell smiled warmly. “Thanks for setting me straight.”
“Setting you straight, huh…?” Winter Flame snickered. He could still taste petrified hay fries on his tongue, from Dumb-bell’s impromptu kiss earlier that evening.
“Oh, don’t you even go there…” and then they laughed together.
They paid for Hoops’s and Flitter’s bill, and quickly left the restaurant. The other patrons continued to stare as they walked out the door and into the chilly night.
“Well…it’s Friday night, and it’s only 9:30,” Dumb-bell said, checking the time. “What d’you wanna do?”
“You wanna go to the club?” Winter suggested.
“Nah, I’ve already got a girlfriend. You can go if you want, though. Did you wanna take off the eyelashes first?” Dumb-bell took out the bottle of remover from his saddlebag.
“Nah, I’ll keep them on. Ladies get free cover charge before 10pm.”