Learning to be a Lady
Rarity sat across from Sweetie Belle, resting a hoof against her tea cup.
“So,” she began, “you turned sixteen yesterday.”
“Officially an adult!” Sweetie beamed.
Rarity chuckled. “Well, I wouldn’t go that far, but you are definitely old enough to be a lady.” She sighed, waving her hoof. “And, well, since our mother isn’t really around, I suppose that it falls to me to teach you the lessons of ladyhood.”
“Oh?” Sweetie asked. “And what type of stuff do I need to learn about?”
Rarity smirked. “First off, a lady must learn how to properly hold their tea in a respectable manner for social engagements.”
Her magical aura formed around the cup, lifting it off of the table.
“Now, when drinking tea,” Rarity explained, “It’s important that you lift both the cup and saucer at the same time.” She did just that, holding them afloat in front of her. “And when you desire a sip, you must remove the cup from the saucer and do so.”
She demonstrated, lifting the cup from the saucer and taking a petite sip, before gently placing them both on the table.
“There is plenty of tea etiquette to learn,” Rarity went on, motioning towards a nearby jar of sugar cubes. “For example, two sugar cubes is proper, any more and you risk being uncouth. And don’t even get me started on the proper amount of milk or cream.” She chuckled. “It’s still a hotly debated topic.”
Sweetie deadpanned. “Really, is this all I have to look forward to for the rest of my life?”
Rarity forced a tight smile. “Essentially, yes, now here is an important demonstration on royal titles.” She held a hoof to her chest. “Trust me when I say that there is hardly a more important lesson that we’ll be discussing this afternoon.”
She used her magic to reach into a nearby cabinet, retrieving a pad of paper.
“A duke is above an earl,” Rarity explained, drawing up a diagram. “Though a viscount or prince outrank both of those officials. It is vitally important that you greet higher ranking members of the nobility first as that is a sign of respect.”
Sweetie Belle sighed. “Yeah, this is going to be super useful for all those banquets I’m never going to go to.”
“Don’t be silly dear,” Rarity stated, smirking as she took a sip of tea in a ladylike manner. “You are my sister and you’re destined for greatness.”
“Mhm.” Sweetie frowned and looked at her cup. “You do know that I’m not just going to be another you, right?”
Rarity snorted. “Don’t be ridiculous dear, of course you’re going to be another me.” She cleared her throat before Sweetie could protest. “Now, I think it is a good idea to teach you how to properly handle mornings after social engagements. The most important thing to remember is that a pair of sunglasses does wonders at concealing a hangover.”
Sweetie’s eyes widened. “Wait, what?”
Rarity smirked, waving a hoof in front of her eyes. “It’s the sunlight, dear, block that out and it's smooth sailing. Now the best remedy for a hangover, in the long term, is a large cup of black coffee and a fatty breakfast, though only order room service. No lady wants to be seen in public wolfing down five eggs and half an English Muffin like some sort of barbaric agriculturalist.” She frowned. “Though, we of course need to discuss the various strategies for getting rid of your one-night stands before we do that.”
“One-night stands!” Sweetie blurted out; her attention now utterly focused on Rarity.
Rarity rolled her eyes. “I mean it’s hardly a proper social outing if you return to your hotel room alone.” She sighed. “Now, what you should do is make up an excuse about having to prepare for a business meeting. I found that this usually works. If they want to meet you at a later date, simply provide them with an alias and some fake contact information. Oh and…” She smirked devilishly, “if you can get away with it, make sure to leave a little love bite or lipstick behind. It’s always fun being the black widow in the narrative of Canterlot infidelity.”
“That’s…” Sweetie shook her head, seeming totally flabbergasted. “That’s honestly kind of a terrible thing to do Rarity. Like that’s legitimately evil.”
Rarity threw up a hoof. “Nonsense, it’s all fun and games, dear.” She shook her head slowly. “No one in Canterlot actually believes in monogamy anymore. Let’s not be ridiculous.” She ended that point by taking another sip of tea. “Now, are you interested in mares or stallions, Sweetie?”
Sweetie bit her lip. “Well, I guess… I guess both? Why, is that important?”
“See!” Rarity exclaimed. “You really are my perfect little clone. Two proud bisexual homewreckers against the world. Anyways…” She grinned, “when aiming for mares you generally want to look towards the service staff or security of your host. High society mares are rather poor partners in the bedroom, but if you manage to find a bull dyke working security or an especially thicc waitress...” Rarity shivered. “Then you are in for a good time.”
Sweetie winced. “I’m actually dating Apple Bloom and don’t really...”
“Oh, wonderful!” Rarity grinned nice and wide. “Then you are already following this piece of advice before it's even necessary. Trust me, the Apple Family is very adept at their strap game and you have invested your time wisely in this regard.”
“I didn’t need to know that,” Sweetie whispered.
“I’m sorry, dear,” Rarity said, “but you really must learn the proper etiquette to be a lady.” She hummed to herself. “What else, what else is there to talk about? Oh! Lipstick!”
“Lipstick?” Sweetie asked, cocking a brow.
“Lipstick is the most important part of a lady’s wardrobe and it is vitally important for setting the mood for your evening’s soirée. For example, you want to wear something muted for somber events, something vibrant for social events, and something cheap for date nights with stallions.”
“I’m going to regret this…” Sweetie said, sighing with the weight of a thousand bad decisions. “But why do stallions like cheap lipstick?”
“Well, they like a lipstick that can smear because it leaves a ring around their…” She frowned, glancing at her tea. “Actually, I’ll tell you about that when you turn eighteen. Can’t be too crass with a teenager, can I?”
“I think we’re well past the point of being crass,” Sweetie Belle grumbled.
Rarity nodded and pursed her lips, obviously mulling over what to discuss next.
“Now,” she continued. “I think it’s best that we talk about drugs.”
Sweetie Belle nodded, smiling as she knew these rules well. And when she spoke, she did so with practiced ease. “I shouldn’t do them because they are bad for me. I know, I know.”
Rarity laughed a dainty laugh, shaking her head as she spoke. “Sweetie. Sweetie. Sweetie. Please don’t fall for such bold-faced lies. Drugs are an important part of any high society function and vastly important when it comes to the art of networking.”
“Wah… what?”
“Indeed.” Rarity smiled. “For sure, you will likely find a little grass going around and it's fine to take a puff every now and then. Though, do remember that it is fashionable to get stoned but to be a stoner is the death of your social life. Forever. No one wants to network with an addict, dear. And even with a former one. But what you really need to concern yourself with is, of course, cocaine.”
“C–cocaine?” Sweetie stammered.
“Yes, darling, it is by far the most popular drug in Canterlot. I don’t think I’ve ever attended a gala or function that didn’t have some.” Rarity let out a content little noise. “Fancy really does provide some of the best stuff, straight from the source.” She smiled fondly before looking at Sweetie. “Now it’s important that you only snort your share, no one likes a hog. Do your line and enjoy the buzz.” She then beamed. “Oh! And make sure that you leave a little dusting on the tip of your snout. It gives you a certain…” She rolled her hoof, “je ne sais quoi, if you would.”
“Isn’t cocaine white?” Sweetie asked.
Rarity cocked a brow. “Yes?”
“And aren’t we white?”
“What are you getting at dear?” Rarity asked.
“Then what’s the point!” Sweetie exclaimed. “It’s just going to blend in.”
Rarity laughed. “Sweetie, etiquette doesn’t care about pigmentation.” She sighed, shaking her head as if that was the most evident point in the world. “Anyways, let’s talk about meeting a Princess. And no, I’m not just talking about the fuckable ones.”