I don't care what the weather mare says...
Rainbow Dash was not a selfish mare. She never did anything that put her own desires before others!
Except for when she made Fluttershy almost fall to her death...
(She was fine, so that didn't count!)
Or the time she almost sold Fluttershy into slavery...
(She volunteered! And, again, she was fine!)
And then there was that thing with the baked beans...
(She didn't like to talk about that one.)
Rainbow Dash wasn't a selfish mare. She just had a tendency to role play a mare who occasionally acted a bit selfish.
The most recent account of the selfish mare—who coincidentally looked exactly like Rainbow Dash—was the near disaster at the Cloudsdale Weather station. She'd spewed out an entire month's worth of snow all over Ponyville.
Blowing such a load all at once had unfortunately made the factory unoperational and, coincidentally, brought on a snickering epidemic amongst the local teenagers. But regardless, Rainbow Dash was prepared to take full responsibility. So, the next day, she awoke bright and early at 10:30am and headed straight for the town hall. Nothing would get in her way of finding the best possible solution to Ponyville's winter weather crisis!
Ten minutes later, she was slumped over her desk, snoring loudly. She'd made it all the way to page two of the yellow directory book, which was a personal best.
“Ahem,” Mayor Mare cleared her throat. “Miss Rainbow Dash, please wake up.”
Her snoring grew louder.
“Miss Dash!” she tried to nudge her shoulder, but Dash swatted her away and rolled over.
“Alright, have it your way.” Trotting over to the central bookcase, she reached for a small, transparent box with a sign beside it reading: 'In case of sleeping ponies, break glass.' With the air horn retrieved, the Mayor donned her earmuffs and motioned for others to do the same.
“Three!” she began shouting. “Two... One!”
If there was a medal in the Equestria Games for highest startled jump, Rainbow Dash would undoubtedly win the gold – were it not for the thick, reinforced wooden roof getting in the way.
“Ow!” she groaned, rubbing her new head-lump as she fluttered back down. “What was that for?!”
Mayor Mare glared at her. “If you need a nap, I'd appreciate you taking it somewhere that isn't a quiet place!”
“But I wasn't napping!” Rainbow Dash huffed, crossing her forelimbs. “I was just meditating!”
Mayor arched an eyebrow. “No, really!” Dash pressed on. “I have to make a big decision on who's gonna help with the Ponyville weather. Y'know, since the white stuff accident in Cloudsdale the other day?” Somewhere behind her back, Dash could hear teenage snickering again, but chose to ignore it. “So, yeah. I was just meditating on my decision, until you rudely interrupted me!”
Glancing around the room, nopony bought her excuse, if their deep frowns were anything to go by. Least of all Mayor Mare.
“Well, if you need to 'meditate' again,” she said, “Could you do so quietly next time?”
“Fine, fine!” Dash threw up her hooves in protest. “I've found the new weather team number anyway. This is gonna be the best winter ever, just you wait!”
Before Mayor Mare could object, Rainbow Dash streaked away, burying her under a large pile of books blown off the shelves above her. After digging her way through 'Friendship is Magic: The Twilight Sparkle Biography' volumes one through thirty-six, Mayor groaned and thought, I really should enforce the airspeed limit indoors.
At last, Rainbow Dash's bags were fully packed. As part of her preparations for the Ponyville weather team, she'd agreed to take a one-week refresher course on the importance of seasonal phasing. By the time she arrived at Ponyville station, her friends were already waiting for her – save for Rarity, who was conspicuously absent. Despite all the drama around her attempts to stop winter, they bore her no ill will, and had come to check on her before she left for Canterlot.
“That's quite the luggage you have there,” Twilight gestured to three huge suitcases Dash had flown in with. Even when placed flat on the ground, stacked on top of one another, they were still taller than Dash herself.
“Well, you know me,” she beat her chest. “I always like to come prepared. I'm gonna ace this re-training and be back before you know it, just you wait!”
“Oooo, what's in the cases, Dash?” Pinkie chirped, dressed in a black spandex suit and sporting night vision goggles for some reason. “Is it like, super secret weather machine parts that you're gonna fit together and quadruple your weather-making speed? Or is it like a brainwave machine that's gonna pump knowledge into your head while you sleep so you learn everything in one night? Oh, oh! It's because you're gonna become a secret agent for Princess Celestia! I'm right aren't I, huh, huh?”
Rainbow Dash shot Twilight an incredulous look.
“What?” Twilight protested. “Bon Bon released a new book in her 'Secret Agent Sweetie Drop' series. I didn't expect Pinkie to take it so seriously!”
“It's nothing like that, anyway,” Dash chuckled and shook her head. “Just a bunch of stuff to help me learn. Weather charts, notebooks, things like that.”
“Hey, um, Dash, before you go,” Fluttershy said, her voice barely above a whisper as she handed Rainbow Dash a long paper strip. “Mayor Mare asked me to give you this.”
Dash snatched the paper out of her hoof, eyes going wide. Fluttershy recoiled, prompting her friends to look at Dash with concern.
“Dash, is there somethin' you're not tellin' us?” Applejack cocked an eyebrow.
“Oh, no, it's nothing!” Dash gave an awkward chuckle, failing to keep her tone nonchalant as she crumpled up the paper with her wing. “Just a... little reminder to do my best in Canterlot! Mayor Mare relies on me to deliver the weather reports, y'know?”
“Dash...” Applejack glared at her. “Lemmie see that note.” Before she could protest, Twilight grabbed the paper and unfurled it with her magic.
Upon reading it, Twilight gasped. “Rainbow Dash! It says you're overdue to return three hundred separate editions of Daring Do and the Ring of Destiny! Did you fill your bags with the same books over and over?”
“Well... the thing is... they needed correcting! You remember how...” Dash proceeded to go on a long winded re-telling of how she and Twilight discovered Daring Do's true
identity — that of the author, A.K Yearing — only with a lot less detail and more extravagant gestures to emphasise her role in everything. The more she rambled, the less her story resembled reality.
After five straight minutes of waving her hooves around, Dash glanced to her right and noticed Pinkie Pie was mirroring her movements. “Wait, Pinkie Pie, what are you doing?”
Pinkie gave Dash a blank stare. “I thought you were doing an interpretive dance, so I wanted to join in!”
Before Dash could continue, she was interrupted by the loud whistle of the approaching train. “Oh, would you look at that! I'd better be going, see you guys in a week, don't forget to write!”
Before the train had even stopped, Dash had zipped away, flying straight through an open window and almost colliding with the guard. Her friends looked at each other, but they knew it'd be useless to press the issue further. Dash had her mind set on the weather management course (or so they hoped), so there was no sense distracting her now.
So, they went their separate ways for the week. They all had plenty to do before the temporary weather team arrived with their new factory, and Twilight especially had a long task ahead of her; drawing up new weather diagrams and re-writing at least a dozen more Daring Do books, all completely from memory.
Five days later, Pinkie Pie bounced out of Sugarcube Corner first thing in the morning, a basket full of freshly baked muffins in her teeth and humming a merry tune. When she reached Fluttershy's cottage, she spotted her sitting on the front porch, eyes affixed to the cloudless blue sky above.
“Hey, Fluttershy!” she half-chirped, half-mumbled. “Is it migration season already?”
“Hmm?” Fluttershy broke from her trance. “Oh, hi, Pinkie Pie. No, that's not for another four months yet. Why do you ask?”
“Well, you were just staring straight into the sky,” Pinkie answered. Dropping the basket, she tilted her head back and narrowed her eyes. “I wondered if you were waiting for a bird, or if I'd accidentally broken the sky again. I swear I put all the pieces back in the right order last time! At least, that's what the strange voice on the other side said—”
“N-no, it's okay, Pinkie!” Fluttershy stammered, shooting to her hooves before Pinkie could do... that again. “The sky's not broken! I'm just waiting for the new weather team to arrive.”
“Oh, okay!” Pinkie wiped the sweat from her brow. “Phew. That was a close one, huh?”
You're telling me, Fluttershy thought, suppressing a shudder. Luckily, the single cloud peaking over the horizon drew her attention away from unpleasant memories. “Ah, looks like they're here!”
Indeed, it was being pulled by a pegasi pair, both stocky in build with teal green coats and dark clouds for cutie marks. They looked to be twins, at first glance, though Fluttershy did notice some slight differences with their manes. One had a ginger, muffin-top haircut and the other had his crimson mane slick-backed, reminiscent of old gangster plays she remembered watching as a filly. As they drew closer, however, her attention was drawn to the big machine that sat atop the transport cloud.
Actually, it wasn't just big, it was huge. It looked like an entire factory had been thrown in a blender and smashed into one, all-purpose weather creating device. Long rubber tubes dangled from a metal base, winding their way inside through various pistons and gears into a broad, glass cylinder.
She wasn't sure what the trumpets were for, but soon found out when the final Pegasus emerged. Taking a handkerchief from the front pocket of her black- and red-striped jacket, she dusted off the mouthpiece and blew into the tube connecting the two trumpets.
Fluttershy didn't hear it, but her animals certainly did. By the ferocious stampede of wildlife that ensued, it was a miracle she reacted in time, getting both herself and Pinkie into the air. She could only hope the inevitable rampage-induced destruction to Ponyville wouldn't be too severe, once all was said and done.
The Pegasus mare pushed up her glasses and pulled out a clipboard. Writing with her pen between her teeth, she made a red cross mark in the box that read 'functioning announcement systems'.
Picking up a megaphone from somewhere behind her, she cleared her throat. “Attention, Ponyville!” she started, the speaker screeching with minor feedback. “Your all new and improved weather team has arrived! Fresh from the top weather labs of Manehatten, the Sunny Daze weather crew is at your service.”
A crowd began to gather once it was safe to come out. There was a lot of murmuring amongst the citizens, as no one had seen a weather machine quite like this before.
“My name is Eazy Breezy, but you can call me Breezy for short. With me are my fellow dedicated weather workers, Riptide and Stormsurge: the Storm Brothers! Say hello, boys!”
“Hello, boys!” they spoke in unison, detaching their harnesses and flying back up to join their boss.
“These two fine Pegasi have just flown all the way from Manehatten to bring you the one-of-a-kind, Wind-Breaker Seven-Thousand!”
Breezy pulled a lever and the machine roared to life. Gears turned, pistons slid back and forth, and within moments a series of small clouds puffed out from the nozzle. The crowd cooed in awe. Even though weather machines were an every-day occurrence in Ponyville, this weather machine was simply captivating in its over-complicated mechanics!
“Yes, that's right!” Breezy continued “For the low, low price of six bits a week, you can have the latest in weather creation technology, using all the advanced bells and whistles to deliver up to the minute whenever you want, wherever you want!”
“Um... I have a question,” Fluttershy meekly raised her hoof after she put Pinkie down.
“Ah, yes, our first potential customer!”
Before Fluttershy knew it, she was whisked off her hooves and plonked down onto the cloud in front of everypony. Now that Fluttershy got a good look at Breezy, she noticed just how tall and skinny she was. Her features weren't all that gaunt, so she didn't look unhealthy, but something about her open posture and broad, toothy grin made her squirm a little. This wasn't helped by her wild and curvy mane, bright purple in colour, and contrasted by her deep, navy blue coat.
“Now, what was your question, miss Fluttershy?”
“Well, um, it's really not that important...” Blushing, Fluttershy hid behind her wings, trying to shrink away from the attention.
“Nonsense, my dear!” Breezy beamed. “All are welcome to examine our machine, and I can assure you, it’s in tip-top condition.”
Fluttershy shook like a leaf, feeling the colour drain from her face. Any hope of raising her concerns quietly had evaporated. However, this was not a topic she could back down from. For the sake of everypony on the Cloudsdale weather team, there was one thing she just had to know.
So, swallowing hard, she blurted out: “Would you like any bananas for lunch?”
There was something to be said about crossed wires. In some situations, the outcome could result in a fatal explosion of epic proportions. But most often, it was the prevailing cause of social awkwardness, where a few synaptic misfires in the brain result in the wrong selection of dialogue for the situation.
Luckily for Fluttershy, she had a friend on hand to save her from the inevitable social embarrassment. “Good idea, Fluttershy!” piped Pinkie Pie, breaking the long five seconds of silence. “It's been ten whole days since I last made banana bread, and it would be an extra special treat for the new weather team for all their hard work!”
The crowd roared in unanimous approval, chanting “banana bread!” over and over. A handful of pegusi even grabbed Fluttershy, dragging her off the cloud so she could crowd-surf all the way to Sugarcube Corner; though by that point, Fluttershy had gone stiff as a board, so it was more like carrying a statue than a real pony.
“Quite an excitable lot,” said Riptide, looking rather confused.
“Just the way we like 'em, right, boss?” Stormsurge nudged Breezy with his elbow.
“Indeed they are,” replied Breezy, turning back to what remained of the crowd. “Any other questions?”
The five ponies left looked at each other, then looked to Twilight Sparkle, who had just arrived. “Alright,” she sighed. “If you insist.”
Taking Fluttershy's position on the fluffy pedestal, Twilight flipped open her extra-thick notepad to the first page and cleared her throat.
“Wait, wait, before you begin!” Breezy interrupted her mid-inhalation. “You're about to ask about the functionality of our weather machine, aren't you?”
“How perceptive!” Twilight blushed a little. “I guess you get asked these questions a lot, huh?”
“Not as often as you'd think,” Breezy had a twinkle in her eye. “Only the best and brightest ponies ever stop to question the weather-generating mechanisms.”
“Well, I'm not a member of the weather team, but I like to think I'm well-read on the subject regardless,” Twilight chuckled and rubbed the back of her head. “It’s the sort of thing you need to organize as a Princess.”
“Well don't you worry, Miss Sparkle! You will have full access to the user's manual at any time, day or night.”
Reaching into the cloud, Breezy fumbled around for a moment. With a hefty grunt, she pulled out a thick tome of leather-bound papers entitled 'The Extra Nerdy Guide to Weather Production'.
Twilight's jaw dropped. This was the biggest book she had seen all year, possibly the biggest since moving to Ponyville! She could already feel her wings stiffen at the sight. She tried to speak, but all that came out was a childish babble of ‘'mine' and 'want'.
Breezy understood perfectly. “Your wish is my command, dearest Sparkle!”
“Erm, boss, shouldn't you—” Before Riptide could finish, she dropped the book into Twilight's waiting hooves.
Much like weather, gravity was a fickle creature. With the right magic, it could be circumvented like a pony who quietly tip-hoofed around a guard sleeping on the job. But this? This was less a subtle act of gently bypassing the typical rules, and more akin to smashing gravity's alarm clock with a thick, metal hammer – while also singing the lyrics to 'hush now, quiet now', with all the volume of a rock concert blasted through badly-tuned amplifiers.
Needless to say, gravity was not kind to Twilight Sparkle. She fell straight through the cloud, hitting the ground with enough force to make a small crater.
Stormsurge face-hoofed and shook his head. “You just had to forget the balloons. Again.”
“Goodness me!” Breezy exclaimed, ignoring her colleague. “Are you alright down there?”
Slowly, Twilight pulled herself out of the crater; bruised, but otherwise unhurt. “I'll be fine...” she winced as she spread her wings. “...eventually.”
“Well, I don't know about you boys,” Breezy turned back to her cohorts. “But I'd say we've earned ourselves a drink. Who's up for a round of cider, on me?”
“Me! Me!” Stormsurge and Riptide bounced on the spot, as energetic as school foals after getting their favourite toy. It had been quite a few weeks since their boss last treated them, but what they'd forgotten was that there was always a catch.
After all, it wasn't like they could leave a state-of-the-art weather factory unattended. They weren't Rainbow Dash!
The weather orders flooded in the next day, quickly filling out the waiting list and piling up sack after sack with bits. The Pegusi from the original weather team offered their support voluntarily, though some already began to question the new team's credentials.
“You gotta be kiddin' me,” groaned Clear Skies. “You can't create so many different weather effects at once. Do you know what kinda strain that'd put on the factory? Why do you think the snow explosion damaged ours so bad?”
Riptide rolled his eyes. “And I keep tellin' ya, we've got it covered!”
“Yeah, this ain't your daddy's weather factory,” added Stormsurge with a smug grin. “This can handle far more than your crummy old model.”
“Ugh! You two are impossible!” Clear Skies threw up her hooves, feeling the last frayed ends of her patience unravel. “Can I talk to your boss instead?”
Stormsurge and Riptide looked at each other for a moment. “What do ya say, bro?” said Riptide. “Shall we ask Breezy to pop up for a chat?”
“Well, if the customer wants more leverage to get her way, I say we give it to her!”
As one, they reached into the cloud and simultaneously pulled back on a pair of hidden levers, causing a cardboard cut-out of Eazy Breezy to spring up right in Clear Skies' face. Before she could ask what in Equestria was going on, a gramophone recording started to play.
“Your value as a customer is important to us. So, allow me to answer a few frequently asked questions that you almost certainly have...”
“Is this some kind of joke?” she glared at the Storm Brothers.
“You wanted to talk to the boss,” Stormsurge quipped with only the faintest hint of sarcasm. “So, here you are. Not like she's gonna say anythin' different in person!”
“...and once you reverse the polarity of the neutron flow, you will have yourself the perfect weather system. If you have any questions or queries that have not been answered in this recording, please either extrapolate from the previous answers or catch us on our Equestria-wide tour!”
Clear Skies just stood there, lost for words.
“So, is there anythin' else we can help ya with?” Riptide asked, failing to keep a straight face. Clear Skies didn't answer, instead storming off in a huff.
“Is she gone?” said the recording.
“All clear, boss!” answered Riptide.
In a puff of magic smoke, the cardboard cut out transformed back into the real Eazy Breezy. “Sweet Celestia, that potion makes me stiff as a board.” Breezy she her joints. “Now, are we ready to start production on the day's weather systems?”
“Whenever you are, boss!” Stormsurge saluted. “We got snow day for the school, rain for Sweet Apple Acres, and unrestricted sunshine over the old folks’ home.”
“Have you entered in the correct proximity numbers this time?” Breezy narrowed her eyes at him.
“You got nothin' to worry about, boss,” Riptide was confident. “The numbers check out. All we gotta do is turn the dial and let the machine work its magic!”
“Fantabulous!” Breezy exclaimed, and with a swift buck of her hind legs, she slammed the big red button that said 'MACHINE POWER' above it in bold lettering. “Let's get this party started!”
“What's that about a party?”
Right on cue, Pinkie Pie burst through the clouds, floating upwards with the aid of seven bright red balloons. Almost as predictably, she didn't think about flying too close to the ejector nozzle. Thus, it was with absolute certainty that a blast of cold air hit her right in the face, smothering her in dark, snow-filled clouds.
Breezy face-hoofed, watching with utter disbelief as the high-pressure air currents catapulted Pinkie away. “Why does that only happen when I turn on the machine?”
“What can I say, boss?” Stormsurge shrugged. “I guess it's just funnier that way.”
Breezy shot yet another glare at him. “What have I told you about leaning on the fourth wall?”
Stormsurge and Riptide both gulped. “Um, that...” Riptide began, and Stormsurge finished.
“That we should go check on the weather systems to make sure it's all okay?”
As quickly as it had turned to a scowl, Breezy's expression reverted its usual 'customer service' smile. “Good boys. Do run along now.”
They didn't need to be told twice. The last time they'd tempted Breezy's temper, she made the official sport of Bugbear Wrestling look like a pillow fight.
Sweet Apple Acres was their first destination. Plenty of dark clouds had already begun to gather, so all the weather ponies needed to do was give them a quick buck to ensure the rain was dispensed at the correct rate.
By the time the Storm Brothers arrived, Applejack was already waiting for them. “Howdy, y'all,” she waved the Pegasi down. “Would you two fine folks be the new weather team the town's been buzzin' about?”
“You got that right!” Riptide puffed out his chest as he landed. “You ain't gonna find a better weather service this side of Saddle Arabia.”
“Money back guarantee!” added Stormsurge, the last of the sunshine gleaming off his teeth.
“Are ya sure you'll be alright?” Applejack asked with slight hesitation. “No disrespect, it's just there's a mighty big storm front growin' around the farm. It looks like a lot for two ponies to handle alone.”
“You don't need to worry one bit, miss Applejack!” Riptide waved a hoof in dismissal. “There ain't any weather system in all of Equestria that's too big for us to handle.”
“That's right,” added Stormsurge, placing a front hoof over Riptide's shoulder. “In fact, just for you, we'll add a one-time bonus to guarantee the rain's isolation over your crops. Not so much as a single drop will hit your barn, one-hundred percent guaranteed!”
Applejack cocked an eyebrow. “Quite a claim, but alright. I'll trust ya. Be sure all of the apple trees and vegetable crops get the same amount of rain, okay?”
“Consider it done!” Riptide clapped his front hooves together. “Ready, bro?”
“Ready!”
Launching themselves skyward, the storm brothers raced around their weather front and promptly got to work. They ducked and dived, bucked and stomped, hammering each individual edge of cloud into the correct shape, matching the exact contours of the Sweet Apple Orchard. It was their solemn vow to leave fluff untouched!
At least, that was the idea.
In practice, they moved with all the grace and elegance of a drunken manta ray. More often than not, they ended up ploughing face-first into the cloud, flailing their limbs wildly until they'd cut off just enough to be considered within the border.
Thirty minutes later, a swift series of knocks on Applejack's door caught her attention. “Alright alright, hold your horse—”
The moment she answered, the remainder of her sentence got whisked away by the powerful windy vortex right outside her door, along with her hat. From what little she could see through the swirling mass of dirt and debris, her entire orchard was getting drenched in a thick haze of rain.
“Pretty neat... hoofwork we got... going, huh?” said an intermittent yet familiar voice.
Looking up, Applejack was astounded to see Riptide as he sailed around and around in the tornado, like he was on a primitive fairground ride. “What in Equestria do ya think you're doin'?!”
“Exactly what you asked for, dear Applejack!” replied Stormsurge, who for some reason had decided to do the opposite of his brother and fly into the wind instead. For all he huffed and puffed, Stormsurge made little headway, flying so slow that he was practically hovering on the spot.
“You wanted... the rain to... stay on the... farm, not your... barn, right?”
“Well yeah, but did ya have to make a hurricane to do – wait an Apple buckin' minute, is that Winona?!”
True to form, Applejack's beloved border collie was also caught in the vortex, though she looked to be mildly confused by the situation more than anything else.
Because of this, something in the back of Applejack's mind began to crack. It started small, like a tiny chip in the paintwork of a brick, but quickly grew into a storm rivalling theirs.
“Now you listen here, you stupid sons of a goat! You get Winona down right this instant or I'm gonna leave you so black and blue, you'll be covered in more lumps than a hairless yak who just fell inta a valley full o' poison ivy! Do you hear me?! Don't make me come up there! I'll do it! I bet your butts you've never seen an earth pony fly before, but I'll do it, and it'll be the last thing you'll see for many moons to come!”
“Okay, okay, sheesh,” Riptide rolled his eyes, casually outstretching his front hooves and catching Winona on the next go around. “What do ya say, Stormsurge? Have we got another satisfied customer or what?”
Before Applejack could unleash another tirade of countryisms, Riptide tossed the dog to his brother. Tumbling backwards end-over-end, he threw Winona with enough force to breach the vortex, straight into Applejack's waiting face.
“Expect the bill whenever ya find the letterbox,” called Stormsurge as he turned to escape the tornado. “It'll be around here somewhere!” And with that, they left Applejack to the business of removing the face-full of dog hair, snickering all the way to their next destination.
If there was one thing kids loved — more than they loved candy, a warm hearth, naughty words and objects that looked vaguely like them — it was snow. Everypony loved snow, but foals, the Storm Brothers knew, loved it the most.
Unfortunately, Rainbow Dash's weather antics had used up an entire winter's worth of snow in one, dramatic burst. But the Sunny Daze weather team were not ones to disappoint little children! So, as a special treat, they had decided to deliver the best possible gift to the school kids: a snow day.
The only thing wrong with this idea was the time. It was already 2.30 pm, and in an hour's time, school would be over. Neither Riptide nor Stormsurge wanted to keep their customers waiting, so they acted fast. Moulding the clouds into a ring around the school, they began dispensing with just a light tap; enough to create a small flurry and capture the attention of the bored window-gazers.
Much like how an avalanche can be triggered by a single snowflake, it only took a single student to notice the first specks of snow to alert the whole class. And from that point, all sense of order was lost, triggering the tidal wave of children bursting into the school yard.
Miss Cheeriliee hobbled along shortly afterwards, glancing over to Stormsurge and Riptide with a disgruntled scowl. She was about to scold the weather ponies, but the moment she breathed in, a large slab of fresh snow slid off the roof and landed on her head. So, instead, she just let out a bemused grunt and turned back inside, no doubt deciding to watch the children from somewhere warmer.
“No pleasing someponies, I swear,” Riptide shrugged.
“Well, I for one ain't explainin' to the boss why we denied snow to these adorable schoolkids. Maybe we should try snow over an orphanage next time?”
“You'd have to be as heartless as Nightmare Moon to say no to that!”
The two shared a long and haughty laugh, almost drawing the attention of a few foals away from the snow. Thankfully, its allure was much too strong, so the Storm Brothers remained unbothered by their target customers.
“So...” Riptide began as soon as he could catch his breath. “Where to next?”
Pulling a small, carefully folded piece of paper from his mane, Stormsurge unfolded it and crossed off Ponyville Elementary from the list. “Looks like Ponyville Retirement Home is our last stop for today.”
“Ah, yes, I remember now,” replied Riptide. “Sunny Skies all day, right?”
Stormsurge’s eyebrow jumped up. “Sunny Skies retired years ago. Where else would she be?”
Riptide’s sigh cracked a nearby tiny glacier in two. “Dude, we already ran that joke into the ground. Can we just get on with the job already?”
“Fine, fine!” Stormsurge grumbled. “But next time, I get to deliver the punchline, okay?”
“Deal. Now let's get a move on, I'm freezin' my tail off here!”
To the Storm Brothers, it seemed odd for the old folks’ home to be on the exact opposite side of town from the school. It was almost as if the Mayor had a weird thing for organizing the town residents in exact order of age which, while unusual, was not the strangest place the brothers had visited.
That honour went to the school on the other side of a strange-looking purple portal, where all the ponies were bipedal and had claw-like appendages instead of front hooves. Weirdest of all? Clothing was mandatory. The brothers had worn their fair share of fancy costumes every now and again, but the thought alone of constraining themselves at all hours of the day made their skin crawl.
Needless to say, they didn't stay there very long.
Ponyville wasn't a large town, so their next trip was a short one. Upon arrival, they found much work to do. Thick clouds had drifted away from Applejack's farm in enough quantity to turn the sky grey. If they were going to deliver the sunny day they'd promised, then they'd need more than a little elbow grease.
So, landing on the front porch, Stormsurge rang the bell. A moment later, the door creaked open to reveal a frail, skeleton of a pegasus mare, whose legs were shaking so much, she looked ready to collapse at any moment – not helped by the thinning feathers on her wings.
“Why... hello there... young stallion...” she spoke between deep, wheezing breaths. “How... can I... help you... today?”
“We're here on behalf of the new Sunny Daze weather team,” answered Riptide with a polite smile. “We got a call from the staff today, askin' us to clear the skies and all you fine folks a nice, sunny day.”
“Ah yes... we all... agree on... that matter!” said the old mare, fumbling around for something behind the door. “Will you... take very... long?”
“No ma'am!” Stormsurge puffed out his chest again, the powerlifter he was - or liked to daydream as, anyway. “We take care of all our weather duties in a timely fashion. But this job will require a little extra force to sweep all the clouds away. That won't be a problem, will it?”
“Oh... no... not at... at all...” the old mare extended her wing out, scratching her chin with one of her few remaining flight feathers. “I used... to be a.... weather mare... myself, once...”
“And I'm sure you were a great one!” Stormsurge interrupted, trying to remain polite while also avoiding a long-winded story. “Well, we'd better get to work now, ma'am, so—”
“Now just... just a... minute... you young'ns...” she wheezed again, slowly reaching for Stormsurge's hoof. “Back in... my day... you needed specialist... equipment to... perform weather duties...”
“And we have the latest and greatest equipment ponykind has to offer!” Riptide hastily added, yanking his brother back.
“First you got... an onion on... on your belt and... and a bee in... in your... bonnet...”
“Well, ain't that just swell,” Stormsurge forced his smile to grow wider. “Anyway, we really gotta get on with the job, so if you'll excuse us!”
“Maurice!” called a distinctly younger voice from somewhere inside. “Maurice Hoofington, are you messing around with visitors again?”
To that, she leant forward as if to fall, only to catch herself at the last second and somersault over the Storm Brothers. “Haha! After all these years, I've still got it!” she proclaimed.
Riptide and Stormsurge looked at each other in disbelief.
“You boys just fell for the ol' Hoofington charm!” By now, Maurice was having a full-blown giggle fit. “Get out yer purses, girls! 'Cause you owe me a hefty stack o' bits!”
Luckily for the Storm Brothers, the nurse's arrival saved them the trouble of an awkward response. At first, they wondered why such an old mare was working at a care home. But on second glance, however, they realized this earth pony nurse was much younger than they initially assumed. Her ragged red mane, torn uniform and heavily-bagged eyes added decades to her looks. Even the way she moved—clinging to the back of the wheelchair and walking forward with careful, deliberate steps—made them wonder if she was really a carer, or just another resident.
“Please, excuse Mrs. Hoofington's behaviour,” she said, her crystal clear voice at complete odds with her rough appearance. “I'll have to check she's stopped taking her meds again.”
“Oh, Medicine, Schmedicine! I'm as fit as I ever was.” Maurice flexed, her muscles making an audible creak.
“Yes, of course you are,” the nurse sighed before looking back to Riptide and Stormsurge. “Let me guess, you're the new weather team, right?”
“Erm... indeed we are!” Riptide answered. “Can we get to work now, please?”
“Yeah, sure, whatever,” she waved her hoof. “Do what you need to do.”
“So, we okay to use the—” Stormsurge began, but was cut off by her.
“I said, do what you gotta do!” she pulled cigarette and lighter from under her hat. “Just get the job done, I don't care how.”
The brothers looked at each other. “Well then, think we should give the lady what she wants?” said Riptide.
“D'ya have to ask?” answered Stormsurge, giving him a hoof-bump. In a flash, they dashed upwards, quickly breaking through the cloud layer and ripping pieces off, moulding them into the shape of an exclamation point.
Three minutes later, Eazy Breezy arrived with the weather machine in tow. “What is it now?” Breezy harrumphed, looking over the edge of her book. “Can't you see I'm busy?”
“Sorry for the interruption, boss,” said Riptide. “But as ya can see, we've got a lot of cloud to move. Think you could fire up the ol' fans and help give us a boost?”
“Work them yourself!” she snapped. “You know where the handles are.”
“Alright, fine,” Stormsurge grumbled under his breath. “Don't get your tail in a twist.”
“I heard that!”
There was no sense in arguing, so the duo flew to opposite sides of the weather machine. Grabbing the wheel handles in both hooves, they wound them in opposite directions to build up the counter-rotating airflows.
Once they got the turbulent winds up to speed, they pulled back on the wheels simultaneously, popping open the hatches to release their newly created jet-stream. At this point, there was only one last thing to do, and the job would be finished.
With the connecting rods now extended, they dug their hind hooves into the cloud and pushed. Despite initial resistance from the old metal wheels, they soon got the weather chamber rotating around on the circular track. From that moment on, its power did all the heavy work for them, blowing every last spec of cloud away from the old folks’ home.
Once they were done, they decided to leave the weather-generator running. After a hard day's work like this, they'd earned another round of cider for sure! Besides, they weren't leaving the Wind-Breaker Seven-Thousand unattended, they had Breezy to look after it for them. And, with such an advanced atmospheric tech, the chances of failure were virtually non-existent.
And on the off-chance something were to happen, Breezy knew what to do.
Cider wasn't hard to come by in Ponyville, but it was usually of the softer variety. For actual alcohol, they relied on their own special stash, hidden away in a chilled cloud left above the town hall. From here, all they had to do was kick back, crack open a cold one and wait for more cash to flow in from their satisfied customers.
Alas, it seemed that not everypony was so easily satisfied by their work. Once again, Clear Skies decided to kick up a fuss, but this time, she wasn't alone. She'd brought along another member of Ponyville's sidelined weather team, a yellow-coated mare with a streaked blue mane.
“And what can we do for you, fine ladies?” said Riptide, wiping his mouth after gulping down another swig.
“Oh, cut the act already!” she sneered. Her mane was a dishevelled mess, covered with random twigs and blobs of snow. “Do you have any idea what kind of mess you've made?”
“Looks like you're the one who's a mess, here, toots!” Stormsurge chuckled, his customer service persona dissolving with each sip. “Did ya lose a fight with a tree or somethin'?”
“Alright alright, that's enough bickerin' for one day,” said the yellow Pegasus, who Stormsurge now remembered was named Sunny Showers. “Look, you're both hard workin' weather ponies, aren't ya?”
“The best there is!” the brothers replied, clanging their bottles against each other.
“Great to know,” a slight smirk crept across Sunny Showers' lips. “Well, since you're so good at weather workin', can ya tell me why there's a hurricane over Sweet Apple Acres?”
They blinked. Perhaps it was a result of the alcohol, but despite their prior delight in following Applejack's request to the letter, they were momentarily lost for words.
“She... asked for it?” said Stormsurge, though he wasn't quite inebriated enough to miss the placement of Sunny Showers' eyebrow. “I mean, she said she wanted rain for the crops!”
“Yeah! And she said not to get rain on the barn, too,” added Riptide. “How else were we supposed to do that?”
Clear Skies ground her teeth together, her eye twitching in lieu of an angry response. No wonder she needed Sunny Showers to speak for her.
Speaking of whom, the yellow mare was oddly calm. “Well, I'm sure it ain't an easy task,” she said, though neither brother could tell if she was being sarcastic. “Is that also why there's so much snow around Ponyville Elementary, Cheerilie had to break through the roof to get out?”
“Not our problem she didn't leave when the blizzard started,” Riptide dismissed that. “Kids wanted snow, we gave it to 'em. What more do you want?”
At that, Clear Skies was visibly shaking with rage. Well, not so much shaking as she was vibrating. She was trying so hard to hold in her explosive anger, her body buzzed, which Riptide noticed was drawing the attention of some irate looking bees.
Sunny Showers, despite staring at the brothers with a quizzical look, was otherwise cool as a cucumber. And both Stormsurge and Riptide knew cucumbers of the frozen variety. They also knew how painful cucumbers could be, especially when used in ways that did not lend itself well to polite conversation.
“Aha,” Sunny said after another moment of silence. “So, by that logic, ya also know the damage too much sun does to sensitive skin, right?”
Stormsurge tapped his hoof impatiently. “Listen, lady, we're weather ponies, not skin doctors. Not our fault if ponies forget their sunscreen!”
“And if you have any other ridiculous complaints,” Riptide glared at Sunny, “Then ya'd best take it up with da boss. But, spoiler alert, she ain't gonna tell you any different!”
At this point, Clear Skies was looking quite worse for wear. Whether she had gone red from all the bee stings, or if her head was about to pop from barely-contained anger, the brothers couldn't tell. “Hey, um...” Stormsurge gestured toward her. “I think you might wanna see a doctor. You're not lookin' so good.”
“A DOCTOR?!” Clear Skies boomed, the startled brothers leaping back. Then, slowly (and painfully), a wide smile cracked across her face as her head tilted at an unnatural angle. “Yeeeeeees,” she said in an almost robotic tone. “A doctor. Good idea! A doctor would be nice. Yeeeees.”
“Uh, is she okay?” asked Riptide. He almost wished he'd gotten chewed out instead seeing that.
Sunny Showers, completely unfazed by her friend's sudden turn for the creepy, just sighed and took her hoof. “Alright, since you two know what you're doin', we can let things play out. I'm sure you two can handle it.”
“Thank you, come again!” the brothers said together, ignoring Sunny's sarcasm. As far as they were concerned, nothing had changed: everything was under control.
“Do you morons have any idea what you did today?!”
Everything was not under control. Turns out, sustaining three different weather systems within five miles of each other didn't lend itself well to automation, though this didn't quite capture the full scope of the Storm Brothers' idiocy.
“B-but, boss!” Stormsurge protested. “We left the machine with you, an' you said you didn't wanna be disturbed so...”
“I don't care what I said!” Breezy snapped, smacking the brothers on the head with a horrible smelling frozen cucumber. “When I give you a job, you do it! No exceptions!”
Riptide wanted to protest, but every time he opened his mouth, he'd get another face-full of supercooled rain. It was one of the few times he was grateful for Breezy's rancid cucumber assaults, as it helped to break the ice that was constantly freezing his mouth shut.
Ponyville was currently the epicentre for one of the largest hurricanes it had ever seen. Not since the days of early weather production had the sleepy town seen a weather event this dramatic! High-speed winds threatened to sweep ponies off their feet, picking up random objects and swirling them around like a gigantic blender.
Were it not for the work of Twilight Sparkle and the brave team of unicorn firefighters, countless houses could've been ripped from their foundations, and the old folks home would still be a burning storm of flames. It was only by remaining in the eye of the storm that the (no longer accurately named) Sunny Daze weather team were able to remain on their cloud.
“Now, unless you numbskulls want your sorry butts replaced by competent pegasi, I suggest you get to work in fixing this mess!”
“Yes, ma'am!” Stormsurge said, for both him and Riptide.
Despite being pelted with hail and rainbow lightning of its own creation, the Wind-Breaker Seven-Thousand was still somehow churning out weather, taking in power from the deepest recesses of its batteries to perpetuate the violent storm.
It was hard enough for them to maintain their grip in the controls, much less move them. What little reputation they had left was on the line, and that was if they weren't chased out of town with torches and pitchforks for the third time that year! In desperation, they switched every dial, pulled every leaver and spun every wheel, yet still the machine refused to stop.
The breaking point came, as one would expect, when the rotary valve wheels broke off from their handles. “Um, boss, I think we have a problem here...” Stormsurge gulped heavily.
“What is it now?!” Breezy snarled like a feral beast from the Everfree, though her expression softened when she noticed another pair of Pegasi land on her cloud. “Ah, welcome, citizens of Ponyville! How can I help you this fine d—”
“That's them!” sputtered Clear Skies, who was wrapped in so many bandages, she looked like a Mummy from Saddle Arabia. With a hoof that was still bright red and blistered, she pointed past Breezy to the Storm Brothers behind her; both of whom stood tactically in front of the broken control console. “I tried to warn 'em this would happen, but noooo, they wouldn't listen!”
“I can assure you that this is a perfectly normal situation,” said Breezy with a nervous chuckle, though she couldn't hide how sweaty she'd become. “And, what's this? Why, Miss Rainbow Dash! It's an honour to meet you, at least.”
Breezy offered a hoof shake, but Rainbow Dash batted it away. “Don't play dumb with me! Sunny and Clear told me all about your lazy weather work.”
“Why, whatever do you mean?” by now, Breezy was sweating so much that a small puddle had formed around her ankles. “I... I promise we h-have everything under control!” As if to add insult to injury, a bolt of rainbow lightning struck to the top of the weather machine, setting it on fire.
This was the last straw for Rainbow Dash. Sure, she was the one who messed up not too long ago, but she'd learned a lot during her mandatory re-training. Now, she was just itching for the chance to demonstrate those lessons to this sorry excuse for a weather team. Rubbing her front hooves together, she cracked her neck joints and prepared to get work.
“N-now, now, l-let's not be hasty!” Breezy stammered, holding up her hooves defensively. “T-this was just a minor malfunction, we can sort it out together. How about it? My high-tech weather machines and your incredible speed, there's nothing we can't achieve! You will be generously paid, obviously. How does a fifty-fifty cut sound?”
“Hey!” Riptide cut in, finally able to loosen his frozen nostrils. “You never gave us that kind of pay!”
Stormsurge elbowed Riptide in the ribs. “Quiet, jackass,” he said under his breath. “She's trying to make a deal.”
“Alright, how about sixty-forty? Thirty-seventy? Trust me, it'll be worth it, just don't—” Breezy shut her eyes tight, ready for her inevitable beat-down to come.
Five seconds passed. Then ten. Then twenty. After a full minute of silence, she cracked one eye open, only to find there was nopony there. Slumping onto her haunches, Breezy let out a long sigh of relief. “Well boys, looks like we made it out of this one unscathed.”
“Um, boss...” Stormsurge began, but Breezy wasn't paying attention.
“Now, unless you two want another fifty-percent pay cut, I suggest you go back to your harnesses and get us out of—”
“Boss!” snapped Riptide. “Look!”
Breezy opened her mouth to respond, but her mouth shut when she saw a long, rainbow-coloured streak racing across her vision. It was then she realized what Rainbow Dash was trying to do. She was flying rings around them with incredible acceleration, her speed almost doubling with each rotation.
So, finally admitting defeat, Breezy turned back to face her cohorts. “Well, gentlecolts, it's been an honour. But before we go, let me just say...”
Though Dash could only catch bits and pieces of Breezy's rant, the words she heard were enough to paint a unfortunate (and cringe-worthy) picture. Were she not approaching the sound barrier, she too would be clenching her butt cheeks in horror.
Just as the air around her started to warp, Rainbow Dash rolled onto her side at the last second. The ensuing sonic rainboom became a rainbow vortex, dropping the inside pressure like a stone to create a vacuum that sucked the storm back into the machine from which it came.
Seconds later, it was all over. No more snow, no more rain, and no more black smoke in the distance. The Sunny Daze weather team stood in stunned silence, their coats and manes buzzing with electric charge. Just this once, everything had been fixed before the torches and pitchforks were brandished!
Well, most of them anyway. Now that the skies were clear at last, everypony could safely emerge from their homes and erupt into thunderous applause, repeatedly cheering 'Rain-bow Dash! Rain-bow Dash!'
“That's right, everypony!” Breezy swept up beside Dash and stretched her arm over her shoulder. “You've just witnessed the raw power and epic force of the Wind-Breaker Seven-Thousand! As stated in the terms of use,” which were bolted to the inside of the Town Hall's basement door, “Our goal is to maximise the potential for all weather to be included in our brand-new, fun and exciting packages! Experience both the thrill of the storm and the marvel of the Sonic Rainboom, any day of the week.
“And we couldn't have done it without the aid of the one, the only, Rainbow Dash; the newest and highest paid member of the Sunny Daze weather team! Three cheers for the greatest weather show in Equestria, hip-hip—”
Nopony cheered. In fact, the whole celebratory attitude of the Ponyville populace had ceased to be. Instead, an army's worth of scowls and other irate expressions were now fixated squarely on Eazy Breezy. All except, of course, for Ponyville's pitchfork collectors, who were breaking out the grinders to sharpen their prongs.
“Yeah, I don't think so,” said Rainbow Dash, removing Breezy's arm. “In fact, I think it's time for you to leave.”
To that, Breezy just shrugged and shook her head. “Everyone's a critic,” she sighed. “Well, I'm sure there are other towns in Equestria that are more appreciative of our talents. Riptide, Stormsurge, get to your harnesses. It's time to leave.”
“Yes ma'am,” they both saluted and turned around, only for their tails to brush up ever-so-slightly against the weather generator; which just so happened to be over its maximum pressure limit for atmospheric storage.
“Oh no,” Breezy gulped. “Not again.”
The following sequence of events were just as violent as they were predictable. In a huge flash of light, the Wind Breaker Seven-thousand exploded, once more spraying the entirety of Ponyville in a thick blanket of snow, coins and freezing rain.
By the time Rainbow Dash had dug her way out, the Sunny Daze weather team were nowhere to be seen – save for the tiniest blip on the horizon that twinkled back in the direction of Manehatten.
“Oh, come on!” Dash groaned, now facing the enormous task of cleaning up Ponyville's weather for a second time that month.
At that moment, the front door of the Carousel Boutique was pushed open. “Oh, Rainbow Dash,” said Rarity in an unusually chipper voice. “You're back already. I'm sorry I didn't come to see you off. I've been so focused on finishing my new winter fashion line, I simply forgot all about it! What happened to the substitute weather team?”
Rainbow Dash just glared at Rarity, gesturing to the mass of snow around her.
“Oh dear, this is quite a mess,” she added. “Well, not to worry, I'll have this fixed in a moment.”
To everypony's surprise, Rarity cast her spell and, in a flash of light, all the snow and ice had vanished into thin air.
“There, it's all sorted now. Please do come by when my new dresses are done. They are perfectly suited to the more chilly conditions, I can assure you!”
With that, Rarity walked back inside and closed the door behind her.
“Wow!” remarked Pinkie Pie, popping out from the underside of the weather machine's cloud. “Rarity's really improved on her weather magic, huh?”
Rainbow Dash's eye twitched. “I... how... when... ah, forget it!”
Throwing up her hooves, Dash turned around and flew off back to Cloudsdale. For tonight, she decided that screaming into her pillow was a better use of her time than anything else she'd done recently.
And if anyone knocked on her door asking about the week's weather schedule, she'd just say to ask Rarity. After all, if she was the weather mare, then what the weather mare said would actually mean something for once.