The Window
Twilight Velvet sat in a rocking chair, rocking back and forth as she kept an eye on her foal, sleeping soundly now in his crib.
Shining Armor had come home from the hospital two weeks ago. Prematurely born by nearly three months, he still needed an orogastric tube to be able to feed, since his sucking and swallowing reflexes had yet to develop. There were other tubes, including an apnea monitor, to make sure he was breathing, a cardiopulmonary monitor to track his heart and breathing rate, and an endotracheal tube in his nose to help him breathe. The hospital had helped them get the equipment, and a nurse had come and demonstrated how to put in and remove the tubes, how to clean them, and how to operate the machinery. It had almost been too much for her, her brain already reeling from the idea that she could actually take him home, but she’d listened and remembered, determined to take the best care of her foal possible.
At the moment she was busy pumping. The double electric hospital grade breast pump hurt horribly at first, but she was growing used to it. Now she barely registered the sensation, too lost in her list of to do's. When Shining woke up she’d have to get her milk into the orogastric tube to feed him, then give him a change, get herself something to eat, check to make sure the machines were working correctly, and do a bit of cleaning of the tubes, and then maybe try and get a little sleep herself if Shining went back to sleep.
It seemed lately as though her life was a race with no finish line. Night Light always tried to give her a little relief at the end of the work day, give her a bit of time for herself, but he was working ten hour shifts lately, and often seemed so exhausted and distant when he came home that she felt the responsibility of taking care of Shining fell squarely on her shoulders. She understood why he’d taken the extra shifts- they desperately needed the money to be able to pay for the cost of Shining’s hospital stay- but it didn’t make it any easier.
There was a window in his nursery. She’d put the rocking chair by it on purpose so that he would be able to look out of it and see the sky. At the moment she didn’t have some kind of timeframe for when he might be able to get his tubes removed, and until then she couldn’t take him outside. Machinery aside, his immune system was so underdeveloped that she feared the second she stepped outside he’d catch something that had the potential to kill him. So she stayed inside, quietly discontented.
New motherhood was a struggle. From the moment she’d gone into labor, she had been utterly terrified. She’d told the nurses that her son was going to make it, her tone sounding so certain that it masked her own fears of failing him from the start. The truth of the matter had been that he had had to make it, or else she could have never forgiven herself. But, her words came true. He did make it. There were tubes and doctors and nurses surrounding him at almost all times, but her baby was alive and that was all she’d cared about. She’d had to watch him through a window in the NICU, when the nurses had drained blood from his lungs. Though the sight of it had made her sick, she told herself that at least it was being cleared, so he could breathe better.
The fact that she hadn’t been able to hold him right away had been the hardest. She’d always imagined that moment that every mare dreamed of, where the doctor would put a little bundle in her hooves and she’d get to see the face of this little foal that she had helped create for the first time and fall head over hooves in love with him. It hadn’t happened like that. Instead, the doctors had rushed him to the NICU, leaving her feeling bereft of a moment that should not have been denied her. Yet somehow, it made the first time she did touch him so much more precious, because she hadn’t known it was coming. The moment when she’d gotten to touch her hoof to his through the incubator, and the way her foal had kicked his tiny back legs as if in greeting, was incredible. But the moment she had gotten to fully hold him, tubes and all, was unmatchable. That had been the moment she had become a mother. It was the moment she knew that whatever it took, she was going to make sure this little boy would grow up happy and healthy. He might not have had the best start to life, but if she worked hard, she knew he could have an incredible life.
That was exactly what she had done. She’d read up on everything she could about how to care for her son with those tubes, had called Nurse Redheart at the hospital with any questions she had, no matter how trivial they might have been. She pumped her breastmilk often, and though she loathed the fact that she could not nurse him herself yet, the fact that he was getting her milk, with all the vitamins and nutrients to boost his immunity meant everything to her. She was keeping him healthy. She was making him stronger.
Being home alone with her son did drive her crazy in some ways. She missed going outside, missed going grocery shopping, missed seeing her friends. She hadn’t allowed anypony to come by the house because if they carried even a trace of illness it could have deadly consequences for her son. Truth be told, she had fretted about Night Light going to work for that very reason, but knew she was in no position to argue about him going to work when they so desperately needed the money in order to keep going. She’d accepted that Night Light would not be home as much, but lately it felt as though when he was home, he wasn’t there.
Maybe it was just her experience, but having a baby hadn’t exactly brought them closer together as she’d been told it would. Maybe the pony who coined that phrase had had a healthy baby, and could actually not worry about things long enough to enjoy their baby and their partner. In some ways, she very much resented Night Light for working so much when the emotional toll this was taking on her was driving her to the brink of sanity. She wished he would talk to her, or maybe that she could talk to him. It was a battle to fight a different day.
All of that might have really bothered her, but there was one crucial fact that disproved that idea- She wasn’t alone. She had her son, and even though he couldn’t hold a conversation, she told him everything. He was the one she had fought for from the start, the one for whom she would gladly stay inside for if it meant keeping him healthy. She would do absolutely anything for him. It might not have been an ideal start to his life, but the fact that he was there, alive, and steadily getting better, was all that she cared about.
Sure, the work was hard. Being a parent was the definition of a difficult job. But she often found that the most difficult jobs had the greatest rewards, and she could see that happening with Shining already. She’d spoken with Nurse Redheart earlier this morning, and tomorrow, she would at last get to remove all the tubes. Shining was finally getting to the point where he could feed on his own, and breathe without assistance, and it made her want to whoop with joy. It had been a long and hard road to get to that point, but she was finally going to be able to enjoy all the firsts that every mother had with their babies. Getting to nurse him, hearing his cry, getting to play with him. So many mares took being able to do that right away for granted. Not she. Not ever.
Since becoming a mother, she’d seen the world in a new light. She’d often assumed that once she had her foal, ponies would be coming out of the woodwork giving their opinions on what she should do about any given situation. However, she had experienced the opposite. Nobody else had given any input, and so she’d had to find the answers herself. She’d had to learn how to stand on her own four hooves when it came to her son. She’d learned that she could use her magic to check the status of the machines, and whether they needed any repairs. She’d also learned a spell that could help take away her sense of smell when Shining needed a change, which was a definite plus.
She’d heard the saying that it takes a village to raise a child. The saying always made her think of smaller hamlets, like Ponyville, where communities were more intimate than they were in big cities like Canterlot. But what if it didn’t take a village? What if it just took two people- yourself and your child? Was it so necessary to have the opinions of others surrounding every decision you made? Certainly, it would be helpful if you could get a break once in a while, but other than that, what did you get from it? A lot of questions, certainly. Some raised eyebrows. Perhaps a scoff.
There weren’t many new mothers or even many families with young fillies and colts in Canterlot that she’d heard of, and it wasn’t necessarily surprising. Canterlot was a city for the well-established, the wealthy, the noble, not necessarily struggling families. She’d taken a cursory look at a pamphlet for Princess Celestia’s School For Gifted Unicorns once and read that most of the students came from other places, but moved there. Canterlot was not a place where families with young children tended to settle, because expectation always hung heavily in the air. The need to be somebody, to accomplish something important always loomed over all who lived there, considering that Princess Celestia herself lived in the city.
Perhaps it had been better that it had happened this way. Not that Shining had been born so early- because heaven knew she would have wanted him to be fully developed- but rather that she had had to do most of this by herself. Because she’d had the time to grow firm in her decisions, maybe it would be easier when she finally took that step out into the world with her son. Perhaps she would be able to make her decisions regarding him more confidently, without the opinions of others uprooting her self-confidence. At the end of the day, no matter what city she lived in or what the ponies in her life thought, Shining was her son, and she and she alone had to decide what was best for him.
She did not need the opinions of the noble members of Canterlot as they looked down on her from the golden pedestals they put themselves on. They weren’t raising her son- she was. She was from the poorer section of Canterlot already, which put her at a disadvantage. The rich and important could afford the best care for themselves and their families, while she and her husband were scraping by trying to pay their bills. She knew those who believed themselves to be above her would look down on her, and consequently her son, because she was not of the Canterlot Elite. He would have to fight for every scrap of respect from them. But if she could be confident in her decision making, and be encouraging to him, she could lay siege to the idea that having status or money gives you a say about everything that happens to every pony around you. The only pony who could ever disprove that was Princess Celestia herself, and she had been exceedingly kind to Velvet on the occasion she’d met her.
About a week after Shining had been born, she’d been parked beside him in the NICU. She’d taken up residency there, always sitting in a chair beside him, magically making the stuffed animal in the corner- a horse- dance to try and entertain her little boy. She couldn’t touch him, but the stuffed animal could. Shining seemed to love the stuffed toy already, judging by how he tried to snuggle with it any chance he could. That day, the NICU door had opened up, and in had walked two guards, and after them, Princess Celestia herself.
Velvet had been floored by the presence of Equestria’s ruler, quickly standing and bowing to her, almost embarrassed at her deteriorated condition. She hadn’t brushed her hair or showered yet that day, and there were deep purple circles and bags under her eyes. Pregnancy weight still made her far bigger than she used to be. She’d never felt so unprepared for this in her life.
“The NICU, Your Majesty.” The voice of Doctor Horse reached her from her position staring at the floor, face burning in shame for how awful she looked.
“How many foals are here?” She asked softly.
“At the moment ten.”
Princess Celestia had nodded- she’d seen it in the reflection of the tile on the floor. Then, Princess Celestia had turned to her.
“Hello."
“Princess Celestia.” She’d greeted. “Please, forgive me. I don’t mean to interrupt your tour of the hospital.”
“Oh no, I’m not touring the hospital, Ms…?”
“Twilight Velvet."
“Twilight Velvet. I try and stop by the NICU whenever I get a chance to visit with the sick foals.”
She’d finally ceased bowing. “Thank you. That means a lot to everypony I’m sure.”
Princess Celestia had walked over to her. “Who is this?” She said, smiling softly.
“My son, Shining Armor, Princess. He was born two and a half months premature.”
The princess had smiled softly at the babe, who was trying desperately to get a good grasp on his toy stuffed animal.
“He’s certainly a persistent little foal. I like how determined he is. It’s a good quality to have when you have been born before you were supposed to me. It means he’s willing to fight to get better.”
For a moment, Velvet nearly forgot who she was speaking to when she asked. “Do you think?” It was a question that quavered when she asked it. She’d desperately craved that kind of reassurance from the nurses, but they hadn’t wanted her to get her hopes up and she knew that.
“Certainly. You know, most of the members of the Royal Guard have that same quality. Perhaps when he grows up he’ll join them. I could always use somepony who is determined and ready to fight for what they want and believe.”
To say that she was gobsmacked by the assertion was an understatement. That was the kind of reassurance she’d needed and to get it from Princess Celestia of all ponies nearly made her legs give out under her from the shock. Still, she managed a “Thank you, Princess.”. Manners mattered in every situation.
“You’re welcome.” She’d said. Then, she took notice of the little stuffed horse in the incubator that was next to Shining, and smiled. She lit up her horn, and conjured up a helmet made of soft Black fabric that could go over the toy’s face. Then, she slid it on the stuffed animal. “I think it’s only fit to acknowledge that little horse as a proper guard, don’t you?” She whispered to Shining, who seemed pleased with the addition.
Twilight Velvet nearly cried at that. It was such an expression of care that she almost couldn’t comprehend it. It had seemed to her that only the nobility or the wealthy or the highly elite of Canterlot were ever acknowledged in the public eye by the Princess. To have her son, her little colt, be shown such kindness and compassion was almost overwhelming.
“I’m sure he’ll love that. Thank you, thank you so much.” She said, overwhelmed with her gratitude. Her voice cracked a little, wavered with her emotion, yet somehow she did not break and cry.
Princess Celestia had smiled at her. “You’re more than welcome.”
Such a long time ago that seemed now, and yet the feeling of that kindness stayed with her. She hoped beyond hope that the world out there would be that kind to him. That when she let him out of this house someday, he would be met with all the kindness, love, and joy he could receive. She often thought about that moment while she was in here, how the Princess’ kindness had touched her. She hoped that someday she would be able to pay that back.
She turned her head, looking out the window. It held a small view of the garden on the side of the house that led to the backyard. She envisioned her son as a colt sniffing those flowers before running to play in the backyard, as carefree as anypony could be. Breathing wouldn’t be an issue for him. He’d be able to do it with ease. When he tired himself out, he’d gallop into the house, into the kitchen, and she’d give him lunch, which he’d be able to eat without a tube. Someday he would be able to go outside and play with friends, and be a completely healthy and normal little colt. That was her wish for him.
She might have been confined to the house for now, but someday, she and her son would be on the other side of this wall, able to enjoy life for all it was worth, even if it was just the two of them. Someday she would take him to get ice cream and laugh as he got it all over his face. Someday she would take him to the park and watch just how high he could go on a swing. Someday she would look out her kitchen window and see him running around outside with a friend. Someday, all these monumental problems would just be bad memories.
There was a saying she’d read in a book once that she thoroughly enjoyed. “My present situation is not my final destination”. It had become a sort of life motto for her. This time was no different. Someday, her foal would grow up into a healthy colt, and later a stallion. He’d gallop and jump and climb and do all the things that other fillies and colts could do. He’d grow up and go to school, get a job, marry, and hopefully bless her with grandchildren. Someday, she would be able to tell him this story and it wouldn’t hurt the way it did now.
She heard a small noise and noticed that Shining was awake. She smiled softly, eyes shining with the love and adoration of a mother enthralled with her baby as she turned off the breast pump and took off the pumps themselves before she went to her son.
“Good morning, Shiny-Winey.” She crooned, checking his diaper. He’d be fine for a few more minutes, which is what she wanted. Just a little time to cuddle with him before the day began. A little time to enjoy being together.
She lifted him into her arms, before sitting in the rocker, making sure none of the tubes were pulled out. Then, she spoke to him.
“Tomorrow you get your tubes out! What a big colt!” She crooned. “Mommy’s going to be able to feed you and play with you, yes she is!” She kissed the top of his head, the only place where she was certain the tubes could not get pulled out by accident. “One more day and everything will be over.” She said. Then, carefully, she angled him so that he could see out the window. It was a difficult thing, considering the way she had to mind the length of the tubes to be sure she didn’t hurt him, but she managed.
She looked down at his face as he looked out the window. His eyes were full of wonder, full of amazement. It was the first time she had shown him what was outside of the window. Before today, she had always had the curtains drawn. She hadn’t wanted him to be able to see what he could not have. But today, now knowing it was his last day being bound to the nursery by his tubes, she had opened the curtains wide and let the sun really shine in for the first time. She felt her heart clench a little in her chest. She hoped he would always be able to look at the world that way, with the bright, optimistic eyes of the innocent. She hoped he never lost that quality.
“Someday,” She said quietly to him, “Someday I’m going to take you outside of this room, out into the sun. And when I do, you will never have to worry about being held down by tubes again. Until then, the window will show us all the fun things we’re going to do together when we get there.”
It was a promise she knew she would keep.
Sighing softly, she got up from the rocker and began Shining’s morning routine. As she changed him and fed him, she couldn’t stop herself from looking at the window one last time.
Someday… Someday we’ll be on the other side of the window.