Equestria is too good to be true. It's harmonic, unrealistic and predictable. And that's what's killing me.
When ponies talk in groups, you can never quite make out what they're saying. Follow them around and you'll notice they follow very specific patterns. It's the same thing, day in and day out. It never rains unless the entire town is depressed. The weather is controlled, there are no criminals or existential threats. There's never any sadness that isn't fixed after a half hour of talking. No conflict left unresolved.
I've noticed all this in a week. And the more I look, the more I feel like I'm slipping into madness.
I've started writing this journal at the request of Twilight. This is me writing, blah blah blah. I dare not move my eyes to see what she's up to on that desk over there, her eyes are glued onto me. She's a control freak. Always making sure everything goes according to her ultimate design. This whole place seems to be about control, really. There's almost no crime. And where there are criminals, they're given a slap on the wrist and forgiven, simple as that. There are prisons but they're mainly used for questioning. The scary reality of incarceration is never really mentioned here. No criminals, no prisoners, no terrorists, nothing. I'm just in a town of ordinary ponies who are happy to continue with their lives. No oppression, no fear, no danger.
Writing about it, it sounds fantastic. But it just doesn't click.
See, I've thought about if I've gone crazy before. In fact, my first day here, it's all I ever thought about. If this place is a dream, it's unlike any dream I've ever been in. It's too complicated. Too real. But not real enough to fool me.
Anyways, my hand is already starting to cramp so I'm just gonna say I'm done today.
I set my quill down on the floor. "How was that for ya?"
Twilight kind of rolls her eyes at that. "You're supposed to be writing for yourself, not for me."
"Cause you think it's going to help?"
"Well, I don't see any other way. You talk so fast and so disorganized, I can't keep up with your train of thought."
I smiled a bit at the thought of thinking too fast for the smartest pony I've met so far.
"It's not a compliment." She sneered, "I really think you're carrying some baggage with you. But I can't help you with it if you can't even express it to me."
"And you think if I can express it better to myself then maybe you'll get it?"
"Yes, that's why--"
"Twilight, some of the most basic concepts in my world just don't translate to this world."
"From what you've told me, yes. I don't get a lot of your culture. From what you say, your people are as brutish as Griffons but as kind and generous as ponies. You have complexity to you. And that's not bad."
"I think you're totally in over your head."
"Maybe. But I know you. We may have not known each other for long, but I honestly have a sense that I can trust you. You're not a brute. You have a mind and you have a heart. You just have a lot on your mind aaand a lot weighing down on your heart."
"Hmm."
That last part hit me. They had a way of talking that was unlike any human. We jitter and stumble and mumble our words, they're so fluent and elegant in every aspect of speech. Twilight, especially. She was the literary type, always reading books. It didn't surprise me that she was capable of analogies and metaphors that I really felt, what surprised me was how she could do it so quickly.
"I know you're right, Twi."
"Really?~" She rolled the word with a hint of sass.
"Really. I know who I am inside and out. I have a very good grasp on who I am."
Her ears perked up and her head tilted a bit.
"It's um... people. It's people I don't get."
And that's about as poetic as I get. But with the room draped in silence and the awkward pressure rising, I feel the need to flush my face of emotion and go somewhere else. Somewhere silent.
"I understand. I understand perfectly now."
My eyebrows flew up at her confidence.
"I know you may not believe me, but there was a time I didn't get ponies at all. I was alone and I preferred it that way. I knew who I was. And for the longest time, I was comfortable with it."
"Hmm."
"But then I caught a glimpse of what friendship was like. To really be open and express yourself with people you love and trust? I felt a million times safer than I ever felt alone. Sure, there were some growing pains getting used to it, but it was all worth it. I love my friends, and knowing they love me gives me a sense of security I just didn't have being alone."
I mumbled another hmm trying to hide any expressions.
"You know you're my friend, right?" She asked, "I like who I've seen so far. You're intelligent and thoughtful, a bit paranoid, though."
I chuckled at that bit.
"Alright, alright." I said, "I've been getting the feeling you want to introduce me to your friends for a couple of days now."
"Do you think you can tone your paranoia down just a bit for them? Please?"
"I'll do the best I can, Twi."
"Thank you. I know you'll get along with them. You say your world has cats just like ours? Well, Fluttershy is a total animal lover. You and her could talk about cats for hours. You've already got a lot in common."
"Heh."
"And Rarity? Oh, she's just going to love your figure. She doesn't get to work with bipeds just every day, after all. I bet she's gonna insist on making lots of patterns just for you."
With that thought came some tension. The same kind of tension I got in my chest whenever I saw the townsponies acting like ants on loop.
"Twilight? Can I get a bit paranoid for a moment?"
"Umm, sure."
"Well, you know Rarity really well, right? I mean, you've already guessed what's gonna happen when we meet, right?"
"Yes...?"
"Well, just hypothetically, let's say she's sick. She's got a cold and she doesn't feel like having any customers, right?"
"Okay."
"Well, if she's not having any customers, she won't have any company. Makes sense. Then we couldn't meet."
"Do you not want to meet Rarity?"
"No, I do, I definitely do, it's just that... I notice bad things don't ever happen in this world unless it serves some kind of greater purpose."
"Like what?"
"Okay, well, say Rarity is sick and I really, really want to meet her. I go to her boutique and she's sniffling, working on some experimental fabric for some kind of fashion show. And she'll say, 'It really is a pleasure to meet you, but I just can't handle any company right now.' And I'll be off."
"What's your point?"
"My point is that will always happen nine out of ten times. I will never go to Rarity's boutique while she is sick and come to an empty boutique because Rarity had to be hospitalized."
"Jeez, what kind of cold do you have in your world?"
"Twilight, I'm just saying, all drama that happens in this world is just soft drama. There's no murder, no serious illnesses, no serious crimes, it all just--"
"Hey. Calm down."
She's taught me this one before. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Inhale... exhale.
"Our worlds run on different rules, right? You told me there's no magic where you come from."
"Yeah, that's right."
"Well, our worlds run on different rules. It's just as simple as that. I hate to say it, but your world just sounds worse off than our world. So maybe in your world Rarity could get very sick and not have some company for a while. But you're here now. And she's healthy and waiting for you tomorrow."
"So you think it's all just chance, then? Your world is luckier than mine?"
"Hmm, maybe not chance. Maybe harmony is just stronger in Equestria. The more we learn about our worlds, the closer we'll be to solving this."
She talks so reasonably, it's just unnatural. People aren't so nice all the time. Real or not, I'm starting to buy into it. She's very genuinely... Twilight.
"Thanks, Twilight. For making me feel better."
In a thrust of awkward love, I grab her around her neck and pull her in close for a hug. Her fur is so soft and warm and cuddly. There's nothing about Twilight anyone could ever hate. She hugs me back as much as she can and gives out a bit of a laugh.
"It's kind of what friends do."
With the hug released I step back a bit and smile. Through the window, to her side, I can make out the strangle purple night sky in which a couple of stars glimmer in the moonlight.
"It's probably time for bed for you, right?"
"Yeah, I should be heading off to sleep. Just don't make a lot of noise like you did last night, okay? I know you humans have a different kind of sleep schedule, but I still need my rest."
"Promise, not a peep."
"Goodnight, human."
"Goodnight, Twilight."
I never told her my name. I refused to. Names always follow you around, and I think they carry certain baggage with you. Now, adopting a new name would mean taking on a new identity, I guess, but I'm still in the deciding phase. I'm in between two worlds, learning who I am and what I have to do. I might as well not have a name for this bit. I'm anyone. Maybe when I figure out more about me I'll pick one.
I heard her yawn upstairs in her bed and I'm reminded she doesn't look like me at all, but she thinks, she has a heart and a soul. She's truly alive. She may feel like the most stuffed teddy bear in existence but she's real.
This world. It's so different from home. Not that I'm not impressed by the changes, just that... it's so different it's not real. It's one-hundred-percent unreal. In this world, I will never know challenge or struggle or hate. It's all just compassion.
And it only sounds like a bad thing when I'm alone. Twilight's very sweet for easing my mind, but it extends far beyond anything she could ever know or understand. I'm interwoven with mankind. The love, the hate, the bias, the love for the unknown, it's all been instilled into me either through genetics or the conditioning I went through growing up. For better or for worse, I am human. And I make mistakes and I don't know what to say and when I say it, I'll say the wrong thing.
My mind ticks left and right as I sit in the dark, thinking about it all.
I know just because it's unreal to me doesn't mean it's not real. I've seen enough of this place to accept that it is a physical location with cognizant agents roaming around and freely interacting. But it's all just so foreign. It'll take time, for sure. Time to adjust, time to adapt.
It was late morning in Ponyville as Twilight and I walked down the main street, looking at the shops. I had gone outside before but not a whole lot, so I was the subject of some gossip as I saw ponies fake whispering to each other and giving rather obvious stares.
If this was how subtle this world was, lying would be incredibly easy. Heck, I could make a sarcastic remark and they would probably accept it as fact. Made me glad I wasn't a liar. Who knows what kind of chaos I would spread if everyone really believed every lie that poured out of my mouth.
"Whatchya thinking about?" Twilight asked.
"Oh, lying."
"Lying, huh? What are you lying about?"
"Nothing at the moment," I smirked.
She gave me an exasperated snort, which boosted my smile.
I looked around some more and noticed that everybody had markings on their rear. I hadn't noticed any drugs or alcohol or smoking, so I suddenly became really interested in why everybody had a tattoo. Was this the first sign of something seedy happening in this world?
"What's with the tattoos on everyone's butts?"
"Well, everypony has something they're really good at, right? Once a filly or a colt finds their special talent, then they get their cutie mark."
I was disappointed but not surprised. Tattoos were too hardcore for this world. It didn't line up with the sugar-coated vision.
"Wait," I said, just now realizing, "...but they are permanent?"
"Well, yeah."
"Isn't that scary?"
"Well to some, I guess. It's a really big deal, though. It's a sign of growing up."
"But you're branded forever doing one thing. Isn't that awful?"
Twilight gave me a bit of a giggle. "You're not stuck doing the same thing forever. Quite the opposite, actually! You see my cutie mark?"
I hadn't given it much attention but I looked down to see her cutie mark. Each line was perfect and the skin undisturbed by the markings.
"It means I'm very talented when it comes to magic. Now, I could have been a magic teacher and taught others, I could have become a researcher, designing new spells or I could have researched ancient spells. It's all up to my choice."
"But you would be stuck with something magic, no matter what?"
"Well, I'm honestly very glad that my cutie mark is about my magical ability. As a filly, I was really uncertain about my abilities. It felt great to know all my hard work had paid off. To know that this was my destiny."
My face contorted, trying to see the positive in such permanence.
"Does the human world have anything like cutie marks?"
Hmm. My mind mulled over it a second.
"College degrees."
Twilight's eyebrows raised in surprise, and she started to speak but was cut off when she realized we were here.
"Oh, here's the boutique."
As we walked closer, Twilight scrunched up her face when she read the sign on the door.
"Closed? That's... strange. Rarity never closes on weekdays unless there's been an emergency."
"Maybe she's caught a cold." I smiled.
Twilight frowned in my direction, opening the door without delay. "Rarity? Are you in here?" She called out as we entered.
I looked around the impeccably-maintained shop but was startled out of observing by the gentlest of sneezes.
"Twilight? Is that you, my dear? Oh! And you've brought company!"
I watched as Rarity peeked her head through a line of clothes sitting on a rack. She looked even softer than Twilight.
"I'm terribly sorry. It's nice to meet you, but I seem to have come down with something and I simply can't... Ah! Ah!"
Quickly, a tissue levitated over from the other side of the room and Rarity pulled it in with her head behind the clothes as she let out a violent "Achoo!"
She peeked her head out again. "I simply can't hold good company right now."
I had been absentmindedly watching all of this go down, but now I turned to glare at Twilight. Her eyes were big and round, and she smiled warily.
"What a... coincidence, huh? Haha..."
Her reaction scared me more than any of the creepy foreshadowing that had gone down. I pointed a finger at Rarity, to which she flinched.
"There are no coincidences in your world, Twilight."
"I beg your pardon?" Rarity scoffed.
My mind was racing. I had seen it in the townsponies before. Simple, easy-to-resolve, three-act conflict. The only question about this was who was meant to learn from Rarity being sick?
Twilight noticed my deep thinking and sent an angry snarl my way.
"She is just sick. You don't need to tag on any additional meaning to that."
"Twilight, you have the benefit of having the perspective of an outsider looking in on this world. Do you not think it's fishy at all that I called this? Seriously? What are the odds? A million to one?"
"Is this just a regular human thing? Are all of you this paranoid?" She answered flatly.
"Here, I wanna show you something." I grabbed Twilight and with all of my strength, picked her up a couple of inches off the ground and slowly marched off with her.
"I guess we're leaving, Rarity. I'll come back tomorrow!"
"Have fun with your guest, dear!"
Rarity sneezed as the door shut closed.
"I have legs, you know."
Twilight shuffled in my grasp and broke free, leaving me to quickly rush her to a nearby table at a restaurant. There were several townsponies in nearby seats, all talking to each other. They preferred groups of two, though. I spotted a couple that looked married and briefly pointed to them, trying not to attract attention.
"Those ponies, there. Do you know them?"
"Not really. Why are you so interested in them?"
"They look married, don't they?"
"I guess." Twilight was getting impatient.
"Hold on. Watch me."
I stood up and walked through the crowd of blended noise to the couple where I crouched down next to them as awkwardly as possible.
"Excuse me, but I'm conducting a survey related to..." I stumbled for words "...things ponies argue about in public spaces, anyways! If it's no trouble at all, could I get a summary of what you were arguing about?"
In programmed fashion, the couple was startled at my sudden presence, annoyed at my interruption, and completely accepting of my excuse. All hostilities ceased with the simplest explanation.
"Oh, lover's spat." The tone of the couple shifted completely to a positive one. "You know how it can get sometimes. The people you love the most have this crazy power to drive you mad!" The stallion teased in a playful tone. The mare giggled in response.
Satisfied, I turned around with a smile. Twilight facehoofed.
"And what did that outburst of invasion prove?" She aggressively whispered.
"I thought they looked like a couple, so they were a couple. There was no element of surprise. Not even hostility about a foreign person injecting himself into their conversation?"
"And what's wrong with them being polite?"
"Doesn't it seem suspicious? There's no primordial self-defense at all. Not a bit."
"Self-defense? In a conversation?" Twilight chuckled.
"Humans need safe and familiar spots to function. Every aspect of our interaction is a fight for dominance, a fight for security. Humans wouldn't entertain such an invasion of privacy. They would defend against it."
Twilight sighed. "Well I don't know if you've noticed this, but we're not humans. We don't fight in every conversation, and we're not against newcomers."
"That's unnatural."
"It's politeness! What do you want me to say? That politeness is unnatural?!"
When Twilight's voice fell flat, the entire area was silent. Everypony was staring at us. Twilight blushed and awkwardly smiled at them. I walked away, gesturing for her to follow.
She angrily trotted behind me.
"You're confusing a different perspective for being unreal. Just because this place is different from your home, that doesn't make it any less real."
"Okay, let's think about this conversely, then."
I stop dead in my tracks and turn around to Twilight.
"Now I know you're angry at me, but seriously." I started, "...I want you to tell me. Where is the most brutal, unforgiving, naturalistic place on this planet? Where people fight all day and all night?"
Twilight closed her eyes and thought.
"Dragon Lands. Maybe the Griffin Kingdom."
"Okay, there. Different race, same planet, similar primitive brutality as my species."
"I'm not trying to say there's disharmony in our world. I'm just saying that you've been trying to push this idea of mistrust onto everypony, and you can't do that. You have to assume the best of everypony."
"I want to go one step further."
Twilight sighed, exhausted. "Okay."
"This time in Equestria. What is the most brutal, everypony-for-themselves place in Equestria."
"Manehattan." She replied almost instantly.
"Tell me about it."
"Well, it's... it's a big city and everypony's busy. They rarely have time to talk to each other, much less think about each other's feelings. It's a very mean place."
There was a tone of defeat in her voice.
I, however, felt security knowing there was a place like home. Granted, I didn't want to go there anytime soon, but it proved my point.
"Is that real enough for you?" Twilight asked.
"No. Because that's far away from here. It's in this town, I know that now. There might be true conflict out there, but not here. This is a safe place."
Twilight sighed.
"It's synthetic." I reasserted.
"I'm going to go visit with Rarity. She's probably wondering if I'm okay." Seeing her walk away so sad was sobering. I began to feel a little guilty.
"Can I come with?"
"I... think you should go home."
Twilight walked away. And I was left alone in the middle of this dirt road. Townsponies talked among themselves, some about what had just happened in front of them, some were distracted. Either way, I was sitting down on this very real road feeling a really sad feeling.
"So... Twilight got mad at you for what reason, again?"
"Because I think this place is fake. Maybe not this whole world, but especially this town."
"Really? Cause Ponyville is the most real place I've ever known. It's my home."
"Yeah. But then my world would seem unreal to you."
I leaned against the wall in distant thought at Spike walked back in forth in front of me, playing therapist.
"What if... what if none of this is real?" He mused.
"I think we need to redefine what is real."
"Alright. If it's something you can touch, it's real."
"What about neutrinos?"
"What now?"
"Invisible little particles whizzing through solid mass. They're everywhere and you can't touch them."
"Then how do you know they're there?"
Hmm. "Because someone told me."
"What if whatever is real is just what we accept as real?"
"Ooh, I like that answer. It has all the fuzziness that human cognition has."
"Then I'm real, you're real, Twilight's real."
"Well, maybe I should reword it then. It is real, it doesn't feel real."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you've had those dreams where it seems like you've been asleep for many years right?"
"Oh, I love those dreams!"
"Well whether you do or not, it feels real, right? And you don't know it wasn't real until..."
I sat in silence for a bit.
"Do you think you're going to wake up from all this?"
"No. No, I think I'm here for the long haul."
"Then what's the problem?"
"Well, it's... It's just all so innocent. And I come from a world that isn't innocent. And if I spend time here, I'm going to tell stories, stories of awful, terrible things that really happened back in my world."
"Simple. Just don't tell those stories."
"But they're the interesting ones. No one likes bland stories like... like this whole town. What does it have to offer?"
"Oh, a ton of stuff. You just have to look hard enough."
"Okay, humor me. What is one good story this town has to offer?"
"Well, a couple of months ago we had the spirit of chaos break free."
"And you solved it in a matter of hours, didn't you?"
"Yup. But that's just how good Twilight and her friends are when it comes to saving the day!"
I sighed in frustration.
"You're a dragon, right?"
"Spike the Dragon, at your service." He bowed playfully.
"You're the odd man out, you live in a town of ponies. What's it like?"
"Well, it's... normal. I never spent time with very many dragons so I guess I'm more pony than a dragon."
I sighed and lowered my head.
"All the problems here are temporary. Nothing lasts."
Seeing my disappointment, Spike took a deep breath.
"Well... There's something I've been struggling with for a long time... if you're interested?" He blushed.
"Yes?"
"It's Rarity..."
"Yes?~"
Spike held his breath and before he could burst, shouted out:
"She drives me crazy! Everything about her! How she looks, the elegant way she walks? Her perfume! I've been keeping it in for so long, I'm dying to tell her. I've been dying to tell her since I first saw her--"
He stopped when he saw I was staring at him, smiling intensely.
"Oh jeez. Please don't tell her I said any of that! You gotta!" He fell to the ground, begging.
"Spike... I like you."
"Huh?"
"You just showed a lot of... human vulnerability admitting that to me. That was personal."
"Well, you asked."
Something clicked inside of my head.
"And you're all that trusting in Ponyville?"
"All of us. We've never had a reason to do otherwise."
I began to think.
In fact, I began to think a lot more. As if a fog has passed over. This moment extended far beyond just this moment. I paid careful attention to what Spike said. 'Well, you asked.' There was an obvious parallel between this moment and the incident earlier today. Not only was it clearly designed this way to highlight the point, but it was also too perfect to be coincidental. This moment was engineered.
"Uhh, are you okay?" Spike asked.
"Yeah..."
This world was real, this town was real. But it was spun in funny directions by contrivance and necessity. Almost like...
I swore, using a word Spike couldn't understand.
"Was this an arc?"
"What?
"Hold on, I have to find Twilight."
I rushed out the front door, leaving Spike dazed and confused.
If me rejecting my solipsism was the climax, then admitting my fault to Twilight had to be the falling action. This world is based on narrative rules on the macroscopic level, not physical laws on the microscopic. The laws of story are the ones that pull the string in this world.
I ran through the streets as fast as possible.
I wanted to finish the arc to see what Twilight would say. If anything different would happen. I had the sneaking suspicion that otherwise, time might just stop until I decide otherwise or something equally dumb would happen. I rushed to the main street and started looking frantically for her. There was virtually nopony outside. I spotted the boutique and rushed in. Twilight and Rarity were talking about something, but the conversation halted once I showed up.
"You're back so soon?" Twilight asked, slightly worried.
"This place is real, I get that now."
"Well, of course, it's real, darling." Rarity said with a snicker, "I could have told you that. I've been in Ponyville for years trying to sell my dresses."
"What made you change your mind?" Asked Twilight.
"Spike. He said something that made me realize... It's all real. Just because it's different doesn't make it less real."
Twilight smiled when she heard me.
"Umm, I think I'm a bit out of the loop." Rarity sheepishly smirked .
"I think now is as good a time as any to introduce myself."
I grabbed Rarity's hoof and gave it a shake. She seemed to be familiar with the gesture.
"I don't have a name at the moment but I'm pleased to make your acquaintance."
"Acquaintance?" Rarity giggled. "Oh please, any friend of Twilight is a friend of mine."
"I get the feeling you'll be hearing a lot more of me in the future."
"Oh, I hope so. Will you be coming back tomorrow?"
I gave it a thought. Mulled it over a bit.
"Of course. Twilight and I will come back tomorrow."
Rarity smiled and did a little trot in place.
"While you're here, feel free to look around. I'm always on the lookout for new customers."
I treated myself to a good look around the shop. Twilight and Rarity continued talking. About what, it didn't seem important. So now that I myself was involved in an arc, I had to think about the future. If all the conflict happens in pulses then the first thought that came to my mind was patterns. Will I be able to identify and predict when the conflicts come, the nature of them, how long they will last? I needed a calendar. And a notepad.
I'm re-purposing this journal. Instead of spending time pondering on if this world is illusory or not, I have a much greater deal on my plate. I need to figure out the rules of this world. There have to be time slots for conflict. These past few days were pretty calm up until today. And I think it's tied to certain ponies. Townsponies seem dispensable enough, but further observation is required.
I plan to keep this work a secret from Twilight for the time being. She believes I have made positive strides with my paranoia and I don't seek to disappoint her. Not that I haven't made great strides. I'm no longer paranoid, now I have evidence that this world's inhabitants behave fundamentally different from humans. The characters serve the plot, and if I can figure the plot out ahead of time, maybe I can figure out some leverage with the characters.
I've already made plans. Many plans. This one experience will serve as my control. I'll do observation in the following weeks, seeking out conflicts that seem relevant to this arc structure, record them and learn from them. The next time this happens to me, I have several experiments I plan to try. Stubbornness. What happens if I refuse to bend to the plot? Ignorance. What if I'm blind to what's happening around me? The more I find out the better I can explain this world and the more sanity I secure.
And then there's the cultural exchange. Twilight and I have been going back and forth recently, exchanging historical tales. I skip over the gruesome bits, she emphasizes how easily and how frequently friendship solved world problems. I don't expect her to be impressed with most of human history.
Regardless, I'm enjoying my time in this world. It's far better on this side, even if everything is sugar-coated and follows a schedule. I figure I'm going to have to take a trip to Manehattan one of these days. Oh, and help Spike out with his lady friend. Although that's a story for another day.
Man, my hands are really cramping now. I'll save the writing for data and observational notes. I'll write back when I have something sufficient to tell.
This is my first entry in three weeks. I realize now that I might not be the only one reading this, so I feel like I should tell you what has been going on. I only know so much about the universe I came from. Some anatomy, basic chemistry, very scattered survival skills, and basic knowledge of physics. In short, absolutely nothing that prepared me for being in an alien world where physical laws are completely altered and everything seems to be scheduled. I've been in meditation for three weeks, observing the interactions between the ponies. I waited and waited for some kind of event to happen to me again but... it didn't. Whether that was a one-off or not, I'm still not sure. Twilight Sparkle has had two additional conflicts full of contrivances and a presence of danger but a lack of injury. I've taken up dice-tossing in these events. Laws of probability still seem to exist. I get a one-in-six chance for every dice toss. What Twilight described was nothing short of miraculous and it came without injury or soreness. These laws bend for the ponies, but not for me.
I was digging in the dirt three weeks ago, checking out the clay composition down by Applejack's farm. While I was digging and digging through all the soil, an especially sharp rock scraped my finger and I started bleeding. The most injured I have ever seen one of these ponies is a scrape. No flowing blood, just a red mark. And this event really got me thinking. Matter back home is particle-based. You can break things apart and pulverize them rather easily. Everything here is vector-based. Things start and stop cleanly and when I break apart the soil, it does so in very angular ways.
I'm eating the food here. Drinking the water, breathing the air. I don't know what I'm putting inside my body but it's not the stuff I'm made of. It's kept me fed, somehow. Somehow all these sharp little angles of mashed up fruit and vegetables don't shred my insides out. And well, to keep it flattering, what comes out of me is particle-based matter. This is the only kind of bending of the laws I've seen for myself. Minor self-injury tests confirm that I can be harmed, and I can be harmed pretty roughly. I've taken it to see that my health is my primary goal.
So in short, I might die. I haven't brought it up with Twilight yet, but I'm planning to.
With a heavy sigh, I set my pen aside and closed the journal. I heard gentle hoofsteps behind me.
"Is it home?" She asked.
"No, not home."
There was a thick silence as Twilight looked down at her hooves with a sad face.
"You haven't talked at all about your friends or your family, and I..." She sighed, "...well, I... I know you must miss them a lot."
"Oh, not at all actually."
"Wh-what?"
"No, I don't miss home at all."
"Why?"
"Twilight, you and your townsponies are nice. Where I come from, people are less nice. It's an easy decision to make."
"If you had to go back..."
"I'm not going back. My world was ending when I left. It's better for me to stay. Really."
Twilight grimaced a bit. "I'm sorry."
"Don't worry about it."
She stood in silence for a couple more seconds before trotting over and sitting down next to me.
"You've been very quiet these last few weeks."
"Yeah."
"If you haven't been thinking about home, what have you been thinking about?"
My head swelled with thoughts that wanted to erupt out of my mouth in a rush of exhaustion and frustration. Instead, I closed my mouth, took a breath, and calmly spoke.
"A human lives eighty years. I have about sixty years to do whatever it is I'm going to do, then that's it. It's done."
Twilight's eyes opened a bit.
"You're worried about death."
"Not death, no. What I can do before I die. How many hearts can I touch, how many minds can I inspire? What will people know me for, what will remain after I'm gone?"
"Well, you're not going to get much done sulking in my basement."
"Yeah. Yeah, I'm not."
"So... what are you going to do?"
My mind began racing with endless possibilities. A world of knowledge that was only known to me, and I had a lifetime to tell it to Twilight and her people.
Index cards lay scattered across the circular table in the middle of the library. Twilight's eyes frantically scanned each and every one that flew off the table as soon as I finished writing on it. She was a total bibliophile and it was probably her best trait. When I was quiet these last few weeks, she didn't press me on much information, but she was always there to listen when I had something to say. And now that I was writing out the bullet points of every detail of my world, she couldn't help herself.
"Amazing. A sacred document passed down generation to generation to keep the spirit of the country alive."
"Equestria doesn't have anything like that?"
"No, we don't have any one document. Whatever Princess Celestia decrees as law is kept as law, and travels by word of mouth or through leaflets."
"How is it living in a monarchy, anyway?"
"It's very peaceful. She's a mother figure to all of Equestria and she does a good job protecting us."
"Ah, I see."
"But this idea of self-government... We have something similar on the local level with the mayor and the city council and town hall, but nothing of this size. It's very ambitious."
"That's the human spirit for you."
"Yes, from what you've shared, your people have a very expansionist way of life. Always innovating, always experimenting, reaching new heights and abilities from your science." Twilight sighed. "Oh, it's perfect."
"I haven't read much Equestrian literature, but from what I've read, technology has been pretty stagnant."
"Sadly, yes. We haven't had much reason to innovate. Our way of life is perfect. Everybody's happy."
"Very happy," I grunted.
"But hey, you could make a living sharing some of these designs with Equestrian scientists. I mean, some of these ideas are just crazy!"
Twilight flashed a crude illustration I drew of various mechanisms. It was beginning to dawn on me just how much influence I might have, controlling the flow of information between worlds. Ugh. Gave me shivers.
"Yes, it would be very profitable."
I continued writing on cards before Twilight tapped me.
"Hey?"
"Yes, Twilight?"
"I know you're fairly anti-social, but... we'll always be friends, won't we?"
"Well, of course. I don't see why not."
"It's just... I know none of my friends really impressed you and I was worried you might be a lone wolf. No friends, you know?"
"No, everybody needs friends. Even quiet, crazy people like me. I always keep one or two people around, you know?"
"Well, I'm glad we'll be together, human."
"Me too, Twi."
I turned back to my cards and Twilight turned away.
If you're reading this, the one thing you should keep in mind about me is I'm quite mechanical. I don't bend much for my friends and I hardly keep any friends, but that's just a part of who I am. I'm all work and no play. This keeps me calm and level-headed in situations of extreme stress, and while my apathy might not win me social points with Twilight or her friends, it is for the best. Humans with emotions are unwieldy and more unpredictable than even the rules of this new world. Which is why I'm making sure if something goes wrong, someone else gets this journal.
I will live for sixty years and then I will die. And then that's it. It's over. I have that much time to bring the best elements from my world into this world and keep these ponies' spirits elevated. I refuse to turn into the same poison that destroyed my world. However, it's not all that hard with Twilight around. Everypony here is so happy and friendly, keeping a positive outlook shouldn't be difficult.
But if it is, slap me with this journal and give it to me to re-read. Right now, this positive feeling is all that matters to me. I have to keep spirits up. I cannot let hope die. And whether I get paranoid again or if all this power gets to me, I have to hold on to this one immutable truth. I am here to help these ponies as much as I can before I die.
I'm sitting in a new place, journal in hand, about to write another entry when suddenly, a complete lack of passion erupts out of me. As much work as I get done, those little flecks of true joy and simple pleasure are as rare of gold in my life. It's been ruining my art, if I'm being honest. I set out trying to make a living by recreating as many works of art from my world as possible, but I'm no artist. I cannot recite every lyric from Hamilton, I cannot emulate the essence of Van Gogh on any canvas and all the stories I tell, I realize I tell them start to finish. I realize now that's the problem. I start, and then I finish, and then I move on. Back home every artist would tell you that's not how you enjoy work, it's all about the process. I guess if that was true, I would never finish. I would get better and better but I would never stop. Call me lazy, but that's asking too much of me.
And so I grab all the papers on my table in bulk with both hands and I stuff them into the trash. It's lost art, it's unsatisfactory. I'm sure someone somewhere will cry that I destroyed perfectly good art, but I hate it. It's a terrible recreation of the things I've seen, it doesn't feel like an isolated piece that came from a passionate soul.
When I figured out I could sell art and knowledge from my old world, I dreamed big. I could let the whole race's experience flow through me and into this new world, and I would be the filter. I would tell them the good things and warn them against the bad. They would be so lucky to have thousands of years of warnings to be aware of going forward. But then I started and... I don't know anything about being human.
How much can I really tell you?
I can tell you what I've heard. I've heard there are things such as god particles and strings that make up the fabric of reality, but I couldn't produce one line of math to prove it. I know how the computer works and I can draw a diagram of a CPU, but I could never get it to work. So what's the point of knowing? All my life I've been morbidly curious about everything, everything around me. If there was a system in existence, I wanted to know how it would work. Well, now I'm in a different world altogether and none of this information translates. These creatures don't need my art and they don't want it. They don't need to know the human experience because they're not human. They're colorful bags of vectors that obey highly predictable patterns.
And that's where it all comes together for me. I don't need to know every detail of the world if I can understand these patterns. As far as they're concerned, I can see the future. A legitimate seer, now that would be a title to be proud of, even if the work is all too easy.
So instead of churning out patents or forged art, I'll be a seer.
I hear Manehattan is a bustling city full of economic opportunity, although being close to Canterlot could be even better if I could get some favor with the princesses. The Royal Seer, now that has a ring to it.
Although...
They say in the land of the blind, the man with one eye is king.
I could do a lot if I play my cards just right. I have the power to see personal conflicts coming a mile away, how can I use that to manipulate businesses, politics, the flow of history? If I know what's happening next, then I have absolute control over the future. And it's my future.
Now, if I know anything about human, it's always about more. Terminal dissatisfaction, the craving of the new and the unknown, finding those little golden flakes of security and simplicity from our past. I am from an ever-expanding warrior race, and these horses have been stagnant forever. Human will definitely will triumph over them.
This dialogue in my mind, what I'm saying right now, I realize it's halfway over. But I've been thinking too long, so something must happen. What's going to happen? What do you do when the egotistical talking gets boring and you need an anchor to tie you down to earth?
A new character enters, of course.
Well, I sit and I wait. I wait in my chair, waiting for someone to come along. Someone sensing this dangerous desire for more who will come along to save me from myself. I breathe slowly, ridding myself of all thought. And I wait.
I'm standing in a new place, only I've seen it before. It's unreal and twisted in many opposing directions. White plaster walls with those funny circular bumps all over every surface. Dark colored doors, simple box rooms. Yes, this is where I grew up, back home. Only it's different. Things are twisted to be more efficient. Going through one door and down the hall would land you at my first school. The halls would mesh and merge to become school walls and school rooms. These are memories, and I realize they are memories.
I stand and I wait, and like clockwork, a blue pony walks into view through the impossible architecture.
She's probing, looking around, trying to understand who I am. I stare at her, only she seems disinterested in me and more engaged in the walls.
I step forward, walking past her, but she's tethered to me. Together we move through the rooms, as they melt into tile and florescent lights. We are now at a train station, someplace new I've never been. She senses this is all a construction and finally turns to acknowledge me.
There is no talking through our mouths, but our minds probe one another as we're a part of the same dream. She remarks on my excellent control over my dreams, and I thank her. Her attention is captured by these shadowy figures vaguely humanlike in many colors and postures as they float around the train station. Everything is perfectly disorderly and appears to me like a faded memory.
This poor creature, though, she begins to panic. She walked in expecting a reflection of the things I know and what I've seen, but it's all me. The walls, the floor, the shadowy humans, it's all me staring at her. And things start to take a sinister turn. Emotions have serious momentum this deep in the mind, and all this power I feel over this creature, it becomes apparent.
There is no talking, there is no understanding. I see her face, a panicked, frozen gasp, as my eyes stab deeper and deeper into her. The world seems to collapse into darkness, she leaves in a frenzy, and I am all alone in nothing.
My eyes open and I'm back in my chair. I look over and I have dozed off for about fifteen minutes.
Breaking rules gets you in trouble.
So, now what do I do? I know who this pony was, I know her name, her powers, her intentions. I need to act on it before the fear subsides. Fear is a perfect motivator.
I reach for a separate pad and begin to write.
"Dear Twilight,
I believe I have had an encounter in my dreams with—"
And then I tear it up.
Taking a deep breath, I flip to a new page and start to write.
"Dear Princess Luna,
"
And all of a sudden, I have nothing to say. So I stop writing. I leave the letter blank, I reach for an envelope and I tuck it away. No name, no address, but it doesn't need one. I'll stop by Twilight's tomorrow and ask Spike to send it for me.
I've been living alone for maybe a month and a half now. I've only seen Twilight a handful of times. She's not interested by my forecasting of interpersonal events in Ponyville. She gave me a loan, I got a job at some restaurant nearby and I've been self sufficient since. I really like the isolation. When I'm alone, it's just me. I don't have to explain myself to anyone else or try and get them to believe me. I know what I know, and that's it.
I set the envelope on top of a stack of papers next to my chair. I've hardly moved at all tonight, but it's quite alright. I feel relaxed, soothed, comfortable. All those good words that mean everything is going to be alright.
And I really believe everything is going to be alright.
