The Storm King’s army invades Ponyville. Luckily, the resident human is dumb enough to pick a fight.
Anon finds himself in the midst of a hostile invasion from the Storm King's army. For the first time since he’s got here, the ponies are in genuine danger. It’s up to Anon and a rag tag team to free Ponyville!
Note: Here’s my attempt at a more adventure style story. This story is based in my Race Relation canon (I’ve decided to put all of my HiE stories under that narrative banner). Inspired by the blink-and-you-miss-it shot of Ponyville on fire in the movie. As always, thanks for reading, if you do, and I’m sorry
“Knocking. There’s always gotta be someone knocking.” Anon grumbled.
Once again our ornery human, Anonymous, was hounded by the incessant knocking of ponies at the door. However, this time the knocking was louder than it's ever been, like someone was damn near bludgeoning the door. Anon’s money was on the pink horse that laughed too much. That pony wasn’t right.
“Just shut the fuck up!” Anon yelled at the door, briefly emerging from his pillow helm that ineffectively blocked the noise. When the knocking continued despite this, Anon let out an audible groan and stood up from the couch. Instead of heading to the door, he walked into the tiny kitchen and fixed a hot cup of coffee. After seeing that Starlight pony drinking, Anon figured he’d give it a shot. He was never a coffee person, but he preferred it over tea. If he was going to answer the door, it’d be on his own terms.
“Look, I told you horses again and again, I don’t give a damn about any of your parties, activities, or whatever the hell.” Anon yelled beyond the door, hoping they heard him. Anon wasn’t in the best of moods as one could likely tell. “I just want to chill inside until either you find me a way home or I keel over. Do you hear me?” Evidently they did not, as the door was still rattling on its hinges under the weight of the damned knocking. Anon felt his blood boiling under his skin. Any other dimension, any other world, he would have been left well alone, this Anon was sure of. Yet, here he was, amongst the most disgustingly sympathetic and overbearing aliens he’d ever seen. Anon couldn’t have imagined hating such a world but here he was, at his absolute limit. Anon grabbed the door and violently.
“What the hell do you-“ Anon began to scream, only to find his head full of fur. Anon’s mouth hung open in confusion, before looking up slightly. Staring back at him, a whole head taller than him, was a creature of unknown origin. It’s body was hunched over and the creature had large, bulky arms. The creature wore dark armor with an ominous blue glow. It’s fur was a dark grey with a white mane. Anon peered around the creature to find another, identical creature just behind them. Both carried spears and shields. Anon stood there, processing the two...whatever they were before him. He stood in stun silence, the coffee’s steam rising from his mug.
“So,” Anon broke the silence. He took a sip from his mug. “I take it you gentlemen aren’t ponies.” The monster responded in what could best be described as grumbles and barks, with the occasional roar. One way to imagine it is like a combine soldier only completely unintelligible. Anon nodded in faux understanding.
“Uh, I’m sorry, my guy. Could you run that by me again?” Anon asked sincerely. The monster spoke again, only much more aggressively and his buddy joined them in the shouting. They slammed their spears in the ground to emphasize their point. Anon nodded once again. “That’s what I thought you said. Now let me offer this as a rebuttal.”
Anon threw the mug of got coffee, still steaming into the helm of one of the creatures, causing it to scream in agony. Anon slammed the door shut and locked it as quick as he could. Anon backed away from the door.
“Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit!” Anon repeated this mantra to himself as he searched the home for anything to defend himself. The search was cut short when the door was blown off its hinges by a couple of angry bois. The one that was drenched in hot coffee still stumbled a bit, but the other let out a might roar and tossed the spear like a javelin. Anon was lucky enough to have been in the midst of tripping, as the spear embedded itself on the wall where his head just was, “OH SHIT! THEY'RE ACTUALLY TRYING TO KILL ME?!”
Anon scrambled across the floor, making a beeline to the kitchen. The creature was on his tail. Furniture was overturned in its path of destruction. Anon pulled out a drawer. Nothing inside. Anon pulled out another drawer. Nothing inside. The creature was now covering the only exit. Anon pulled the drawer clean out of the cabinet and threw it at the creature’s head. It whiffed.
“Fuck me!” Anon yelled out as the creature charged. Anon quickly noticed a gap in the creature’s legs. He duck’s underneath the monster, allowing it to slam into the opposite wall. Anon quickly stood, only to be grabbed from behind by the second beast, arm wrapped around his neck. Anon kicked and flailed, to no avail. Pure instinct taking over, he bites the creature's arm. Though he didn’t draw blood, the creature wailed in pain and dropped a coughing and shaken Anon. He quickly turned on his knees, finding himself at eye level to the monster’s waist.
“Hope the rules still apply.” Anon mutters, swinging his arm back. Then, in a fierce uppercut, brought his fist in contact in what he assumed was the monster’s no-no zone. Judging by the sudden silence and collapse to its knees, Anon guessed right. He kicked the monster over and continued searching the house for a makeshift weapon. Anything he couldn’t use, he threw at the invaders to keep them at bay. Sadly, he could keep them back so far, as one managed to get close. The monster roared, rearing its arm back. Anon brought up his arms in defense and was smacked smooth across the living room, through the wall, and into the bedroom closet. Anon yelled out in pain, feeling old wounds begin to tear. Then, something clocked Anon on the head. It wasn’t a fist, rather it felt wooden. Anon opened his eyes, which only widened when he saw what quite literally fell in his lap. Anon smiled.
“I don’t know how, but I sure as fuck don’t care!”
The storm creatures took the brief reprieve to catch their breaths. As far as they knew, this old hut was the home of just another pony. The town was called Ponyville, for crying out loud! So what was this...thing that had opened the door. The creatures saw nothing like it. It wasn’t strong by any means, but it was squirrelly and surprisingly vicious. It was a long time since the storm creatures had ever had to actually fight. Still, they had been conquering kingdoms and empires for as long as they could think. Nothing had stopped them before and nothing will. The two stood up, having recovered slightly and began to follow the path of the long legged biped they had just sent into the next room over. They stopped once they heard a rhythmic tapping of wood on flesh.
Anon exited the hole in the wall, his expression changed from terror to determination. Really, that was the only thing that changed, as Anon was still terrified for his life. However, if this was truly how his life was going to end, stranded in a pony wonderland, beaten the death by two apes, he was going to die on his terms. In his hands was a wooden baseball bat, clearly chipped and dirtied by use and neglect. He tapped the bat on his hand, getting a good feel of its weight and sturdiness. Anon stopped and placed the bat on his shoulder. He just thought of the perfect one-liner.
“You picked the wrong house, fool.” Anon quipped, failing to contain a self-gratifying smirk. Que battle music.
The storm creature, still drenched, roared and charged at Anon like a raging bull. Anon sidestepped the creature just barely and brought the bat down on the creatures back as hard as he could. There was a satisfying crack as the creature went down. Anon turned to find the other creature attempting to retrieve the javelin. Anon quickly dashed and brought the bat down on the monster’s hand, causing the creature to reel back in pain. Anon then swung the bat wildly, aiming for the head and torso.
“Get. The. Hell. Outta. My. House!” Anon said with every swing. He actually managed to knock the helm with the last swing. Sadly, that last swing was also caught in the monster’s hands. Anon knew that if he lost grip on the bat, it would be the end of him. So, with little options and a head full of pop culture, Anon reeled his head back and head butted the storm creature right on the nose. Both of them let out pained screams as they both stumbled away from each other.
“Fuck! What was my dumbass thinking!” Anon chastised himself. The storm creature also had some things to say in his own words. Anon recovered quickly, raising his bat far above his head and parallel to his back. With a mighty swing, Anon bashed the creature on the head with a satisfying “Bonk!”. Funny enough, a bruise began to swell on the creature’s head, reaching a comical size before the creature fell on their back.
“Is this some kind of fucking cartoon?” Anon asked incredulously, still rubbing his forehead. He heard the other storm creature standing up behind him. Anon looked down, picking up the other creature’s helm. Anon turned just as the other storm creature turned, now facing each other. Anon threw the helm into the air, quickly readied a baseball swing and hit the helm cleanly. The helm sped across the room, hitting the storm creature directly in the center of his forehead. The impact caused both helms to fall, leaving the storm creature reeling. On the return swing, Anon tossed the bat itself at the storm creatures head, causing another hit in the same location. To finish it off, Anon sprinted towards the creature, jumping just before he reached the beast. Anon brought both legs up in front of him and drop-kicked the storm creature directly in the chest.
The storm creature went stumbling back through the other room, landing with a thud. Anon, meanwhile, landed directly on his back, causing himself some pain. After some bit bitching and moaning of his own, Anon stood himself up and limped over to the storm creature, who was knocked out cold like his friend. Anon quickly fell into a laughing fit.
“Oh yeah! Look at chu!” Anon taunted, slurring his words slightly. “Y’all came talkin’ all that good shiz a second ago, then you got kicked in yo’ chess. You eat a dick, nigga! You...eat a…” Was all Anon could get out before collapsing alongside the storm creature, passing out from the combination of pain and exhaustion.
Lucky for him, Anonymous woke up before the storm creatures did. Anon made sure to give himself a head start by dragging the storm creatures into the bathroom. He locked the door and placed the bed, couch, dining table, a couple of chairs, and the coffee table against the door. Anon’s limbs were still sore, but he had little choice but to get over it. He took this time to also notice his clothes have been torn in places during the scuffle. Anon hobbled to the bedroom, found a new shirt and a pair of pants and redressed. After all was done, he picked back up his bat and checked its condition. Other than a couple new scratches, nothing of note.
“So much for rainbows and sunshine…” Anon muttered aloud, using his old shirt as a holster for the bat on his back. He looked out a window, finding that the sky was replaced with foreboding storm clouds. He didn’t mean his statement in a literal sense, but here he was. His eyes followed the sky into the direction of Ponyville and his heart sunk. Even more of those storm creatures were descending on the town from airships. He could hear the creams of ponies, running around like scared animals. Luckily, these creatures weren’t interested in looting and pillaging, just rounding up the horses and putting them in cages. Anon pulled himself back into the house.
“Okay, okay. This is real shit.” Anon spoke to himself, pacing the floor of the house. “There’s an invading army. I didn’t even know this place had invading armies! No, no, focus. Inhale...exhale…okay. So, it damn near fucked me up to take out two of those things, so I can’t be expected to save the town, right? Those six ponies, the Elements of Harmony? Yeah, them! They’ll fix this!” Anon started heading to the bedroom to pack clothes and supplies, with full intent on leaving Ponyville to its fate. He opened a bag and began stuffing it, before progressively moving slower. He eventually stopped and looked down into the bag.
“Is this really who I am?” Anon asked himself. He sighed, sitting on the wooden floor of the destroyed home. “I turn everyone away and when shit hits the fan, I run?” Anon closed the bag and ruminated on his thoughts. He had been a “citizen” for a while now, but hardly did anything with it. He never went to a market, hell, he barely left his house. He didn’t have any real connections with anyone. Funnily enough, wasn’t much different from how he was back home. Always in his dorm, too scared of people to venture out and make something of himself. The more things changed, the more he realized he was still the same. Anon picked up the bag and stood up. He looked around the house one last time. Then, he walked to the bathroom and added his bag to the furniture keeping it closed.
“New world, new me.” Anon said quietly, having made his decision.
He had done nothing since he got here, except give in to angst. Now, with real danger on the horizon, there was no longer the excuse of being an outsider. He had to get involved. It was all he ever wanted to do back home.
Anon sneaked through the alleys of Ponyville, of which there were few. He silently cursed that fashion horse for saddling him with the whitest t-shirt unknown to man. Next time they met, he was going to suggest a darker color pallet. He peered around the corner and surveyed the scene. He had made it close to the town center, where the ponies were being gathered in large, oppressive cages. They were fitted with large metal collars and muzzles, which seemed to physically weigh them down. Anon felt for the poor ponies. He was so used to seeing their annoyingly bright smiles that seeing them so miserable was actually heart-wrenching.
All the more reason to do something. Anon told himself. He started climbing up one of the buildings, a feat that wasn’t too difficult, save for the potential noise. He managed to get an advantage point that overlooked the entirety of the center of town and all the storm creatures within. For their part, the storm creatures seemed to be enjoying themselves. They did benign things, such as play cards, sleep, or help themselves to that bakery nearby. All things considered, these were the most non threatening invaders he’d ever seen. It almost makes him for the two soldiers he beat the shit out of and locked in a room behind furniture. Almost. A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.
Anon kept low on the rooftop, so as not to be spotted by the random wandering eye or anyone, pony or otherwise. Anon charted our paths of alleyways and blind spots to navigate through to avoid detection. Anon was reminded of his time playing those stealth sections in video games. He gulped. He sucked at stealth sections. Furthermore, what was he even stealthing towards? Anon had no real plan as to how to liberate a captured town from an occupying enemy force. At best, he could probably cause a disturbance that could buy the ponies time to free themselves and escape, but if the behavior of the storm creatures were anything, they seemed to have every pony under lock and key by now. Which, Anon had to admit, was really impressive.
Anon observed his surroundings for the umptenth time, looking for something, anything, that he could do. That’s when he caught the lilac coat of Starlight Glimmer, the apprentice of one of the Princesses. She was captured in one of those cages, just like everyone else, along with a blue mare and three kids, it seemed. He saw no signs of the Element Bearers nor Spike, so with her being his only point of reference, Anon decided to seek her help. Luckily, they were in a cage right next to an alleyway, hidden from the storm creatures' sight. Anon noted the quickest way there, which was by hopping from building to building. The soldiers wouldn’t see him scurrying from place to place and the roofs were constructed of hay, so they should soften his footsteps.
Anon took a deep breath, readying himself for some parkour. He then began running before his brain could tell him how stupid this whole situation was. He made his first leap, easily enough and soon was moving from building to building, like a ninja. It actually felt liberating in an odd way. Not everyday you can play hero in another world. Fuck, I really am in an isekai! Anon cursed himself for the revelation, electing to shut up for the time being.
Not long since he began parkouring, he arrived at his intended destination. He could see the ponies more closely now. They looked more bored than anything, at least Starlight and the kids did. The blue mare was pathetically tugging at the bars, as if a pony like her could just bend metal. Well, for all Anon knew, they could. Whatever, the point was it was a worthless endeavor clearly, yet she kept at it. Meanwhile, the three kids- one white, one orange, and one yellow- were all playing a game with their hooves that was reminiscent of slaps, that game where you rest your hands on someone else’s hands and pull them away before they are slapped. Anon watched the kid’s as he edged closer down the building and through the alleyway.
The yellow one had just hit the orange one hard enough for orange to give a muffled “Ouch!” and glare, before the white one caught sight of Anon. Unfortunately, in the little white pony’s perspective, a pair of beady eyes were staring at her from the dark, brandishing a bat. She let out a muffled scream, hiding behind Starlight. This was enough to catch Starlight’s attention and a stray guard. The stray guard walked over to the cage, striking at it with his spear. He was close enough that if he looked closely into the alley, he could’ve seen Anon. So, Anon, after a panicked search and quick thinking, hopped into an open dumpster. The storm creature barked incoherently at the ponies in the cage, then resumed his patrol somewhere else. Starlight then looked backed into the alleyway to see what spooked the filly. Anon popped his head out, his face scrunched.
“Ooooh, shit!” Anon let out a hushed gag. “It’s fuckin’ rancid in there. Y’all horses throw shit out or somethin’?” Starlight’s eyes widen as she reaches out the cage and muffles quietly to Anon with a clear sense of urgency. “Alright, alright. Hold your literal horses.” Anon approached the cage, reaching through the bars towards Starlight’s muzzle. Luckily, the muzzle required no lock and key, and with a little elbow grease, Anon was able to pull it off.
“Anonymous!” Starlight exclaimed, albeit in a still hushed town. She reached her forelegs through the bar to pull Anon into a hug. Anon, immediately made uncomfortable by the gesture for a myriad of reasons, the bars between being chief among them, he lightly pushed her off. “I can’t believe they hadn’t gotten to you yet!”
“Oh, they attempted.” Anon admitted, thinking back to the encounter not so long ago. “But I managed. Before I ask the necessary questions, let’s remove these muzzles.” Starlight nodded, gesturing to the other ponies to approach Anon. Trixie attempted to go next, until she was cut off by the three fillies. One by one, Anon removed their muzzles. The white one was hesitant at first, having been scared, but Anon assured her with a pat on the head. That seemed to have been all she needed to clear any previous misconceptions. Lastly, the blue pony’s muzzle was removed promptly, leading her to give an exasperated sigh.
“Finally!” She said, an octave louder than anyone would’ve liked. “That cursed muzzle was crushing poor Trixie’s nose!” She rubbed her snout for emphasis.
“You’re all welcome, by the way.” Anon reminded them. “Now, can anyone explain why the town I assumed nothing bad ever happened went to shit in a morning?”
“We’re just as lost as you are, I’m afraid.” Starlight replied glumly. “They just showed up and started taking ponies hostage. Twilight and her friends went off to Canterlot for the Friendship Festival,” Anon rolled his eyes at the name. “Meanwhile, Trixie and I were tasked with watching their sisters and the castle.”
“More like ‘stuck watching their sisters and the castle.’ I wanted nothing to do with it.” Trixie interjected, sticking her nose up at the kids. Starlight shot her a glare.
“Are you really going to complain about this again, Trixie?” Starlight was talking to the back of Trixie’s head at this point. “You practically begged to spend some time together and I did warn you I was babysitting but you insisted you could handle it.” The two ponies bickered amongst themselves. Meanwhile, the fillies bombarded Anon with questions.
“Who are you, stranger?” The yellow one asked.
“What are you?” The orange one followed.
“Could you pat my head again?” The white one pleaded. Anon could only clutch the bridge of his nose. He was beginning to regret leaving the house already.
“For the love of all that’s holy, would y’all just shut up!” Anon harshly whispered, promptly reminding everypony of their predicament. After a few quick glances, they saw they were still unsuspected. “I don’t care for the horseshit right now. I just want things to go back to the nice and quiet I’ve grown accustomed. I could’ve just left and I really wanted to, so don’t test my patience.” The ponies sat in silence, before Trixie leaned toward Starlight.
“Who does this creature think he is, yelling at the Great and Powerful Trixie?” Trixie whispered, though in a way that was meant to be clearly heard.
“I’m sorry, are you talking in the third person?” Anon questioned, before shaking his head clear. “No, no, cans to open another day. How do I get you horses out?”
“These cages seem to be magically resistant, so I can’t teleport ourselves.” Starlight pondered aloud.
“Convenient.” Anon deadpanned.
“The bars won’t bend. Trixie tried.” Trixie had her forelegs crossed dismissively still.
“Good to know.” Anon was beginning to feel hopeless. He walked around, looking at the lock with a massive keyhole. “Hm. I could try picking the lock? I mean, the key hole is so big, I could probably find the tumblers easy.” Anon crouched down and looked inside the keyhole. It was futile, as the hole was too dark for him to really see anything useful. “You guys got any hairpins?”
“Ohohoh!” The white filly raised her hand, as if she were in school with the answer to a question. She then picked her mane, pulling out two hairpins. “Rarity always said to keep hairpins, in case of a fashion emergency.” She reaches her hoof out of the bars to give them to Anon. Anon just stared.
“How are you even holding-“ Anon interrupted his thought, took a breath, and took the pins from her. He got to work lockpicking.
“Oh, I forgot! My name is Sweetie Bell.” The white pony almost shouts, prompting a hush from Starlight. Her eyes were on the lookout for any storm creature soldiers.
“And mah name is Applebloom.” The yellow pony added.
“And I’m Scootaloo.” Followed the orange pony.
“Yeah, yeah. Cute names. Can you let me focus for a second?” Anon replied, far more interested in the lock and getting it open than making friends with children.
“What’s your name?” Applebloom asked, blatantly ignoring Anon’s request.
“God-It’s Anonymous.” He quickly answered, returning his attention to-
“Is that really your name?” Scootaloo follows up. Anon groaned.
“No, but you’re not getting my real name.” Anon tried again to-
“Why won’t you tell us your real name?” Sweetie Bell adds to the line of questioning. Anon was this close to cussing the little fillies out for pushing his buttons, before a flurry of activity sounded off in the distance. Anon peeked over his shoulder to look.
It seemed that the two soldiers that attacked Anon had made it out of their slumber and made it back to the rest. The still looked visibly bruised and a little shaken from their encounter, as the frantically recounted their story to the rest of the storm creatures. After that, the storm creatures went on full alert, scouting across the town for this new threat.
“Shit!” Anon tried to pick the lock harder, if that were possible. Anon had realized as soon as he even started that he didn’t know a thing about lockpicking, only about as far as there were tumblers you had to push. He tried recalling the stories of his cousins back home stealing bikes and flipping them for a profit, hoping that maybe they explained it more in-depth. Starlight began tapping Anon’s shoulder.
“Anon! They’re coming this way!” Starlight pointed to a group of 3 storm creatures, weapons drawn, walking down their street. They systematically investigated every nook and cranny, only moving when they had thoroughly searched. Clock was ticking.
“Could you open the door a little faster!?” Trixie ordered, clearly panicked and frustrated.
“Bitch! The fuck do you think I’m doing?” Anon yelled, before covering his mouth. A storm creature looked in their direction and started yelling to the other soldiers. Anonymous was compromised.
Anon uselessly yanked at the lock, hoping that by some miracle, it would just open on its own. The storm creatures began running down the street. Anon kept yanking, as the ponies began pushing against the door in an attempt to help. The storm creatures grew in number as more poured in from the alleys. Anon started to kick the lock. That’s when it came to him. Anon withdrew his bat and raised it up above his head. He then struck the lock downwards. Nothing. The soldiers were getting closer now. The fillies started to scream. Anon raised the bat over his head again. With a yell, he struck the lock again. The lock broke with a metallic snap. He swung the gate open and instinctively grabbed the three fillies, two under his arms and one on his back.
“TIME TO BOUNCE!” Anon yelled, making a break in the opposite direction of the incoming soldiers. Starlight and Trixie ran after him. By this point, all the soldiers in the town were on their tail. Anon hopped over discarded carts, baskets, and other debris that served as obstacles, keeping a tight hold on the fillies. Sweetie Bell, who rode on Anon’s back, tightly wrapped her forelegs around Anon’s neck. This slightly choked him, but that was hardly on Anon’s mind. The only thing he was thinking was where to run to.
Suddenly, storm creatures appeared around the corners in front of Anon and the ponies, blocking their escape. Anon quickly looked to his left, saw an opening, and sprinted towards it. Soon, that opening was blocked. Anon looked around again, until he spotted the familiar Everfree Forest in the distance. It was not being blocked, so he ran there without hesitation. Soon, Anon and the ponies disappeared into the foliage, leaving behind the storm creatures at the Forest’s edge. One storm creature raised their arm, signaling the others to stop. He then pulled out a map, checking it. He finds the Forest on his map, marked with a skull and bones. He turns to his compatriots and sign to them that they could not go in. Then, just like that, the storm creatures all turned and headed back to the still thoroughly captured Ponyville.
After a couple more minutes running deep into the Everfree Forest, Anonymous finally slowed down. As he did, he could feel the legs beneath him turn to jelly. He took a few more steps, breathing heavily as the adrenaline faded from his system. He fell to his knees, the fillies he was carrying jumping out of his arms before he fell face first into the grass and mud. Starlight and Trixie followed right behind him, though not nearly as exhausted.
“Did the creature have to bring us into the most dangerous Forest in Equestria?” Trixie said, shivering in fear. Starlight, while wearing a look of concern, kept her cool.
“Well, in fairness, it has been a little more safer these past years.” Starlight assured, keeping her eyes on the fillies. They were, after all, prone to wandering about. Fortunately, the three of them crowded Anon, with Scootaloo poking him with a stick.
“Is he dead?” Apple Bloom asked no one in particular. To this, Anon muttered something likely unsuitable for a child’s ear into the dirt. After a minute longer, he rose, using his shirt to wipe his face.
“You are horses. All you know is running, so don’t judge me if I get a little tired.” Anon stood up slowly. He dusted himself of debris and made sure he still had his handy bat. He sighed in relief when he felt the wood against his fingers.
“You looked more than a little tired.” Scootaloo replied, earning herself a classic Anon glare.
“Whatever.” Anon relented, observing the forest around him. Trixie trotted up to him from behind.
“I hope you have a reason for bringing us into this cursed place.” Trixie gave the meanest screwface she could. Anon merely found it adorable.
“I did actually.” Anon retorted, before flicking her snout with his finger to assert dominance. “And I’m a human being, not a creature. Call me that again and I’ll teach you what a spur is.” Anon turned away from her, returning to his surveyance. Trixie could only sit, hooves to her muzzle.
“The audacity!” Trixie exclaimed, her features turning red with anger. She turned to Starlight. “Starlight, he hit me! You saw that, didn’t you?”
“Well, it was more of a flick than a hit.” Starlight could see that was not what Trixie wanted to hear. “Okay, okay. Anonymous can be a bit abrasive, but right now, he is an ally. So, could you maybe not be so harsh towards him?”
“Harsh? Trixie has done nothing wrong.” Anon looked over his shoulder.
“Neither have I, since I saved your asses, you ass.” Trixie trotted back towards the human, refusing to relent. Starlight slapped a hoof to her face, realizing the potential problem on her hooves. The three fillies just sat and watched, amused by two adults fighting.
“Trixie demands an apology for your rude behavior!” Trixie pokes at Anon with her horn. Anon tried his best to ignore it. This only succeeded in her poking him harder.
“Will you quit it?” Anon said through gritted teeth.
“Not until you apologize!” She kept poking, causing Anon to groan. Of all the ponies I could’ve been stuck with… He thought to himself. He reached down and grabbed Trixie by her horn, which caught her off guard.
“H-Hey! Let Trixie go!” Trixie tried to back away from his grip, but Anon held tight. She tried thrashing, but she was pretty weak all things considered.
“I recognize this part of the Forest.” Anon pointed in a direction. “My old campsite should be in that direction. We can rest there.” Anon began walking, forcing Trixie to follow in step. She whined incessantly, even calling to Starlight for help. Starlight could only sigh and shake her head.
“Anon ain’t very nice, is he?” Apple Bloom asked Starlight, as they all watched the two walk ahead. Starlight shrugged.
“Well, uh, I think he just expresses himself differently. Let’s just...give him a chance, okay.” Starlight was unsure of this herself. Very little is known about Anon, but what is known aren’t exactly good. Still, Anon did save them from imprisonment. Maybe there’s more to him than his attitude. “Come on, girls.” Starlight and the fillies followed after Anon and Trixie, who were still bickering ahead.
The campsite was more or less intact, thankfully. It was a primitive site, with a shelter made of sticks and foliage. A campfire, long since used, was erected a few feet away from the shelter. It was placed on the other side of thick bushes and against a cliff face, providing him natural defense. Anon pushed past these bushes, Trixie still in tow. She’s calmed down significantly, but still occasionally lets out a cry and whine.
“You know, Trixie.” Starlight started. “You could’ve just used magic to stop him.” To this, Trixie stopped her complaining and grimaced at her lack of judgement. With a zap from her horn, Anon recoiled, yanking his arm away.
“Ow!” Anon exclaimed, shaking his hand. Trixie laughed as Starlight once again gave herself a facehoof. Anon thought about retaliating, but decided another time, when she least expected it. For now, he had to get a fire going. Despite it being evening, in the Everfree a breeze ran freely among the flora, giving everyone in the party chills. The two mares went to look for firewood, while Anon set up his old campfire once again. The fillies surrounded him.
“So, you used to live in the Everfree?” Scootaloo asked, currently on Anon’s back. She had jumped up when Anon crouched down to arrange the stones. “Did you have to fight monsters? Survive with nothing but your wits?”
“Yes, actually.” Anon answered nonchalantly, paying her no mind.
“That’s so awesome!” Scootaloo exclaimed. This caused Anon to flash a smile before suppressing it once again. He was surprised by how good it felt to be regarded as “awesome”. “What monster’s did you fight? Did you fight a cockatrice?”
“Oh! Did you fight a timberwolf?” Sweetie Belle chimed in. She propped herself on his left leg.
“How about a chimera? My sister had a showdown with one!” Apple Bloom interjected, propping herself on his right. Now surrounded, he supposed he had no choice but to indulge them.
“Maybe fighting is not the right word.” Anon admitted, thinking back on his encounters. “It was more like a series of confrontations, all varying in levels of violence.”
“Do you have any stories?” Scootaloo asked, her hoof dangling off Anon’s neck. He looked out of the corner of his eyes. It still perplexed him how these ponies coats were discolored. Looking closer at it, he also noticed how soft it looked. This made him more aware of just how close these ponies were, with their warmth and softness radiating on all sides of him. He felt a coziness, a coziness that he found himself enjoying. With that, he reached behind him and pulled Scootaloo off his shoulders and sat her down in front of him. Then, he fell backwards on his ass, forcing the other two to step back in surprise.
“I can think of one…” Anon placed a hand to his chin, looking up at the cliff face.
It was the first week I arrived in the Everfree Forest. I was still attempting to reach other humans, before I truly realized that I was in an alien world, let alone a mystical forest. In that time, I built me a basic bitch camp and-
“What’s a be-itch?” Scootaloo asked, tilting her head. Anon winced.
“Nothing you should repeat. Anyways…”
I built my basic camp. I drank from a nearby stream and luckily I found some bushes with berries. I’d half expected to have eaten something that would make me blow chunks out of both ends, but those berries were some of the most bomb ass berries I ever tasted. Not knowing how long I’d be stuck, I figured my best bet was to gather as much as I could and build a stockpile.
So, out exploring I went. I carried what I could in my shirt and every thing was going peachy keen. That was, until I felt watched. Soon, it became less a feeling and more of a certainty. I saw green eyes watching me from the bushes. I figured it was just my mind playing tricks on me. Heh. That’s a reference y’all won’t get. Anyway, I was checking over my shoulders like, “Who the hell is watchin’ me?”. But, they would always disappear after a while. Only to reappear later. The further I walked, the more eyes I saw. Not gonna lie, I may have pissed a little. I went to turn around and head to camp. That’s when they jumped me.
There had to be a dozen of those wolves. But, what got me buggin’ was they weren’t wolves. They were made of lumber, like trees. They was growlin’, but how can wood growl? It didn’t make no damn sense. I thought I was mad trippin’, so I just tried to walk away calmly. Soon as I did, one leaped and bit my leg. When that pain shot through me, I knew it was real. I dropped the berries on the spot and used my free leg to curbstomp it. To my surprise, the wolf shattered to pieces. Then, more wolves attacked. I just kept kicking them as they came, and one by one, they all broke apart. When I broke the last one, I thought it was over.
Boy, was I wrong. One of the sticks moved as I went to pick up the berries I dropped. Next thing I know, the wolves were reforming themselves. So I said, “Fuck this” and got my ass the fuck up outta there.
“Fuck?” Trixie parroted. Anon winced again, not even realizing the mares had come back.
“You don’t repeat that shit either.”
“But you say it, why not Trixie?” Trixie crossed her hooves.
“Do as I say, not as I do.” Anon cleared his throat. “Now, where was I?”
“Cowering in fear from Timberwolves?” Starlight answered, grinning.
“Yeah, that sounds about- Hey!” Anon crossed his arms as well. “It was a tactical retreat, thank you very much. Now…”
I ran as fast as I could to the camp, a pack of those “Timberwolves” on my ass. I picked up a stick and tried breaking them some more but they kept coming. I had long since abandoned the berries at this point. Damn shame. Anyway, I made it back to my camp and I noticed that none of the wolves were behind me. So, I wiped my brow and considered that encounter a victory. That’s when I felt the ground shake. Out of the trees, comes this big ass wolf, towering over me. Cut to me getting my ass tossed around like a ragdoll. It was like it was toying with me, instead of just eating me whole. That would be that bastard’s biggest mistake. You see, it tossed me into this very fireplace. Right next to a stick lit on fire. I sustained a little burn, but I picked that fucker up and chucked it right into the beast’s mouth. I stood there and watched as the thing choked on smoke, slowly burning alive. It was the most horrific yet coolest thing I’ve ever seen or done in my life. Needless to say, I had used that carcass as a bonfire to signal for help.
“So that explains the smoke that was coming up during Trixie’s-Ow!” Trixie was interrupted by a berry hitting her in the chest. Anon tossed another into the air and caught it in his mouth.
“Oh, don’t be dramatic. It was a berry.” Anon said, seeing that Trixie was pouting, threatening to cry. “Anyway, I was finishing up my story, if you hadn’t rudely interrupted.” During the story, the group had helped themselves to a roaring campfire and the berries that kicked off his tale.
“You aren’t being kind yourself, Anon.” Starlight scowled at Anon. Trixie gave Anon a raspberry, before being clocked upside the head by Starlight. “And you shouldn’t be antagonizing him, Trixie.” The fillies giggled amongst themselves as Anon and Trixie both huffed in unison.
“Anyway.” Anon recaptured his audience. “That was the day I knew I was far from home. I just didn’t know how far. As for future encounters, I swear they grew to hate me something fierce. Maybe I killed their leader or something. Either way, I was constantly hounded and harassed, with fire being my only weapon. It’s funny. The day man discovered fire, was said to be the day we evolved to be the men we are today. Who knew it would still hold true in a whole other universe. Oh well. The End.”
The fillies gave Anon a round of applause. This gesture truly gave Anon a reason to smile and this one he didn’t wipe as quickly. Trixie, meanwhile, gave an audible yawn.
“A decent enough tale, Trixie supposes.” Anon raised an eyebrow.
“Oh yeah. You did something better?” Anon smirked. There was no way someone as whiny and full of it as this mare had any rank to pull.
“Trixie will have you know that I once stared down an Ursa Major.” Trixie said with full confidence, tilting her head to the sky with a victorious smile.
“Trixie, you know darn tootin’ that wasn’t a Ursa Major, but Anon Ursa Minor.” Apple Bloom corrected. Anon laughed at the fact that Trixie was fact checked by a child. Trixie grew red in the face.
“W-Well, Trixie did save Equestria from a changeling invasion! So, ha!” Trixie countered, particularly at Apple Bloom.
“You weren’t the only one, Trixie.” Starlight Glimmer rolled her eyes at her friend, before failing to hold back a smile.
“An invasion, huh?” Anon noticed the choice of word. “So, this whole invading thing’s happened before?”
“A few times admittedly.” Starlight rubbed the back of her neck, feeling embarrassed on Equestria’s behalf. “Although, Twilight and her friends had always been there to stop it. However, that time it was us.” She pointed at her and Trixie, who grinned widely while bowing. Such grace. “And a couple others.”
“So, best guess is that they’re fixing things as we speak?”
“I sure hope so.” Starlight sighed. Silence grew amongst the group, as they remembered their predicament. That was, until Anonymous stood up.
“Well, just because everything turns out okay in the end doesn’t mean we can just sit on our asses.” Anon paced around the fire. “At the very least we can kick those Storm goons out of our town.” Starlight looked hot at Anon.
“Our town?” She said, with a hopeful smile.
“Your town.” Anon corrected, catching himself. “If things are really going to magically fix itself, it couldn't hurt to at least try, right?”
“This is why Trixie asked before if there was a plan.” Trixie looked over her shoulders, in case a creature would somehow sneak up on her.
“I’m working on it, chill.” Anon ran through everything he knew about the town thus far. Right now, all the ponies are caged, with a lock that is breakable with his bat. He also has two magical unicorns, so that could speed up the process. But, with all those soldiers, how is he going to fend them off and proceed to break out an entire population. “What we need is a diversion. Something to distract the soldiers while we break everyone free.” Scootaloo’s hoof shot up into the air.
“Oh oh, I know! I know!” Scootaloo vigorously waved her hoof back and forth. “Pick me! Pick me!” Anon rolled his eyes and shook his head.
“This isn’t school, orange. You can speak freely.” With that, Scootaloo stood up on the log, puffing her chest.
“Why don’t we use the Timberwolves!” She exclaimed, clearly loving her idea.
“Nope, bad plan.” Anon critiqued with the wave of his hand.
“Aw, come on. I haven’t even explained it.” She hopped down and paced around like Anon did. “You said that the wolves hated you, right?”
“Yeah, I did,”
“So, they would chase after you, right?”
“Indeed they would.”
“All the way back to Ponyville, righ-“
“Nigga, get to the point.”
“I’m saying that the Timberwolves can distract the soldiers! Timberwolves hate everything, so once they enter town, they’d cause mass hysteria. And the soldiers wouldn’t know how to handle them. It’s a perfect plan.”
“It is absolutely not cause I’m the bait in this little plan.” Anon looked to the other ponies. “Besides, even if that plan could work, where would everyone go after being free. I doubt your town can take on an armed force.”
“Well, the castle is more than large enough to hold the entirety of Ponyville.” Starlight suggested. “We could evacuate everyone there.”
“So, let me get this straight,” Anon throws up his hands for emphasis. “I provoke the wrath of some Timberwolves, lead them into the town, get them to cause havoc with the storm creatures, while you all free the ponies and hide in the castle?”
“That sounds about right.” Starlight shrugged.
“And what exactly happens to A) the Timberwolves in the town, B) the storm creatures in the town, and C) me, who is still in the town?” Everyone took a moment to ponder these good questions. All except Trixie.
“Well, it is in Trixie’s experience that its best to work spontaneously.” She answers proudly. “The show must go on, after all.”
“Listen, y’all.” Anon said, gripping the bridge of his nose. “I ain’t about to get my ass chased by some goddamned Timberwolves!”
Chapter 4: The Chapter Where Anon is Chased by Timberwolves
“These motherfuckin’ ponies, man.” Was all Anon could say as he parsed through bushes and trees, deep into the Everfree. He carried only a torch, magically endowed with an everlasting flame by Starlight. This journey was, of course, to find a Timberwolf den to rile up and initiate the distraction.
The manner in which Anon was convinced was rather pathetic in his eyes. As soon as he said he wasn’t going, it went a little something like this:
“Ponyville is doomed!” Screamed Apple Bloom.
“I’ll never see my sister again!” Cried Sweetie Belle.
“Were all gonna be eaten!” Wailed Scootaloo.
The three fillies proceeded to run around the camp, screaming in panic. Trixie herself joined soon after, crying over the fact that she’ll lose her audience and source of income. The camp devolved into shouting and screaming, despite Anon’s bests attempts to maintain order. Starlight just sat, watching everything unfold into pandemonium.
Thus, here he was. Standing at the entrance of a cave, just big enough for him to not have to duck his under to get inside. Usually when entering a wolf den, though no one should ever have a reason to, you would want to be as quiet as possible. For Anon, that defeated the very purpose he was here, so he suppressed any urge to tip-toe or muffle his footsteps. As such, those footsteps reverberated throughout the cave. Anon gulped, as that usually meant that a cave was big, last time he checked.
He soon made it out of the corridor into a large circular den. The darkness was so thick he could barely see a meter in front of him. He expected the usual green eyes to be staring at him through the darkness, but found no such sight. This made him even more uncomfortable. Anon drew his bat with his free hand and banged it against the floor of the cave.
“Yo!” He called out, the sound of his voice echoing through the cave. A few eyes opened in the darkness, shining green in the darkness. “Hey there, timberpups. It’s me, ya boi.” Anon used levity to suppress the growing fear threatening to overtake him. More eyes opened and growling began to echo loudly throughout the cave. Suddenly, and exponentially, green eyes appeared from almost all directions of the cave. There had to be over a hundred pairs of eyes, all staring at Anonymous now. The growling turned to barking, as over a hundred Timberwolves began to bark.
“I’m gonna punt that little orange shit!” Anon yelled, as he turned on his heels and started running back out of the cave. The thundering footsteps of the Timberwolves were right behind him, biting at the back of his heels. He made sure to duck his head under the cave entrance. Luckily, so many wolves were attempting the cave at once, they became stuck momentarily. Anon laughed behind him, but kept running. The joy was short lived as the Timberwolves forced their way through, some breaking apart into lumber as a result. Anon cursed under his breath, but stayed the course.
Before Anon went on this suicidal mission, he planned a path for himself to follow to reach the end of the Everfree Forest in the shortest amount of time. Moreover, he placed numerous traps along the route, as a means to by himself time. One such trap was just ahead, a pitfall covered by leaves. Anon jumped the gap, leaving the immediate wolves behind him to collapse the pit and fall in. The other wolves caught on quickly, jumping the gap just as Anonymous did.
The next trap required the torch. Anon ran, lowering the torch to the ground as he ran across flammable plants. A large fire trail grew behind Anon, slowly spreading out and forming a wall behind him. Timberwolves ran through the blaze, only to be lit on fire. As they ran, they quickly began to deteriorate into charred branches. Still, the sheer quantity of wolves were still on the hunt and they far exceeded any of Anon’s estimates. Fortunately, Anon was reaching the end of the Forest, just as his legs threatened to give up on him.
“Home free, baby!” Anon cheered, with a big leap through the trees and bushes…
...only to find a blockade of Storm soldiers had formed at the edge, their backs to him. It was only about a dozen of them, but they seemed to have been standing guard. It made sense, but it was the last thing Anon wanted to see. But, maybe he can flip this to his benefit.
Still in the air, one of the Storm creatures turned just too late to see a flying Anon hit him in the face with the full weight of his body. The Storm creature nearly tumbled as Anon gripped tightly to the beast. He maneuvered himself to get on the creatures back in a piggybacking position. The other Storm creatures would’ve helped their comrade, had they not been attacked by the Timberwolves flooding out of the Forest en masse.
“I’d start running if I were you, pal.” Anon taunted, before yanking the creature’s fur to make it rear like a horse. Ironic, given that in a land of horses, he was riding a whatever-the-fuck the creature was. The creature took off towards the town, the Timberwolves still chasing their human prey. Without the darkness of the Forest, Anon could see that there was definitely a good couple dozen or so of the Timberwolves behind him. Anon may have exaggerated the armada he thought was behind him, but it would do. Further beyond the pack, Anon could see the ponies exit the Forest, presumably to begin setting the other ponies free.
Anon rode the street, torch still in hand, swatting at the Timberwolves that dared to leap towards him. Meanwhile, the Storm creatures went on high alert, fighting the Timberwolves that became distracted from their original target of their ire. Anon stood on his mount’s back and leaped up to the roof of a building, barely grabbing on. He scurried up, making sure not to burn himself nor the hay thatched roof he laid upon. He stood, overseeing his handiwork.
The town has devolved into chaos. Timberwolves ran amok, attacking anything within their site: Storm creatures, houses, they even attempted to attack the ponies escaping. Luckily, Starlight seemed to be doing her part in blasting apart Timberwolves. In fact, she seemed to be pretty damn accurate for someone using a laser coming out of their unicorn horn. Or a unihorn, as one might call it.
“Shit, I wish I had a gun on my head.” Anon whispered to himself, envious of the ability to shoot forehead lasers. Anon’s daydreaming was cut short when a pair of Timberwolves snarled at him, having reached his vantage point. Anon looked at the torch in his hand. Then, he reached for the bat still strapped to his back and examined the two together. Anon grinned. He placed the torch with the everlasting flame near the bat, causing the bat to catch fire.
“Aw shit nigga!” Anon said with elation at his genius. “I’m about to snuff me some puppers!” Anon tossed the torch down into the streets, unknowingly having tossed it on some poor Storm creature’s armor. The creature screamed as it forcibly removed all of its clothing, leaving it to cover his now exposed body.
Back to Anon, he readied his bat as a professional batter would. When the first one leaped towards him, he swung. The bat connected, launching the Timberwolf high into the air to land in another part of the town.
“And it’s a hoooooomerun!” Anon shouted, with more Timberwolves joining on the roof. He swung from left to right, left to right, smacking away any Timberwolf that was foolhardy enough to get close. Soon, the roof started to give under the weight and completely collapsed, dropping Anon and the wolves into some poor ponies home. Anon landed on his gut, knocking the wind out of him. He went to stand up, only to be knocked on his back by an attacking wolf. He kept it at bay with the tip of his bat, lodging it in the Timberwolf’s maw. He kicked it back, sending it into a bookshelf. The bookshelf tipped forward, crushing the wolf under its wolf.
Anon scrambled to his feet, just as another wolf lunged. Anon swung the bat, hitting the wolf, and slamming it against a wall. The wolf shattered into bundles. Anon attempted to exit the door, but swinging the door open revealed several more Timberwolves. Anon quickly shut the door and put his back against it. The door banged on its hinges as the Timberwolves tried to break down the door. Anon noticed a rhythm to the thumping. He waited for a brief reprieve and then swung the door wide open, causing the wolves to throw themselves inside. Anon quickly stepped outside and closed the door, before running down the street.
One of the Timberwolves broke through the window and gave chase. Anon turned a corner, just to narrowly duck a spear. The Timberwolf turned and leaped, attacking the Storm soldier as Anon stayed crouched. Anon ran past the two and made his way towards the Crystal Castle, the place everyone was supposed to meet. It was a straight shot to the building, but the road was covered in Storm creatures and Timberwolves, all fighting. Past all of them, he could see Starlight and Trixie ushering ponies into the Castle. Anon gritted his teeth and gripped his bat tighter.
Anon ran up along an overturned cart. He leaped off, landing on the head of a Storm creature. He jumped off, kicking the Storm creature down and lifted his bat above his head. He brought it down on the body of a Timberwolf, crushing it. Then, keeping his momentum, rolled under another soldier. When he stood back up he kept running. Anonymous found his way to the bottom of the castle steps. He was almost there. That was, until a hand grabbed at Anon’s ankle, causing him to trip. A Storm creature had gotten him and would not let go. Anon kicked at the soldier’s leg, but the soldier held strong. Anon looked up to see a pack of Timberwolves running to them, having taken down the majority of Storm soldiers in the street.
“Shitshitshitshitshitshit!” Anon panicked, feverishly grabbing at the steps to claw his way up the top of the steps. He could hear the Timberwolves getting closer and closer. And closer. And closer…
Suddenly, Anonymous was engulfed in a cloud of smoke. The suddenness of it caught his lungs unaware, causing Anon to enter a coughing fit. Then, he could feel his body being lifted off the ground by some unknown force. Just when Anon attempted to process what was happening, he was flung right up the stairs and through the double doors of the Crystal Castle. He landed with a tumble on the carpet, before the doors slammed behind him. Anon rested a moment with his eyes closed, as the chatter of ponies echoed around him.
“Anonymous!” Starlight called to him, nudging at his head with her muzzle. “Come on, wake up!” Anon answered back with a groan of assurance, to which Starlight sighed in relief. He started to stand to his feet, feeling his body ache from all the unwarranted activity. As he stood upright, he saw a sea of colors ahead of him. Dozens of wide eyes gazed upon the human that had somehow made it into safety by the skin of his teeth. The room had quoted down, as if they were all waiting for him to say something. Anon looked back to the doors, firmly shut behind him. He then looked back toward his onlookers.
“Y’all mothafuckas see that shit?” Anon said with disbelief. “That was some cool as shit I was doing’, right?”
Anonymous kept watch through the windows. Timberwolves prowled through the streets, looking for anything they could get their wooden teeth on. The Storm creatures looked to be retreating from the town, towards the outskirts. Ponyville was an absolute mess, with the streets littered with debris and buildings taking some structural damage. Anon hadn’t seen something this rundown and worn since being back on Earth. It was crazy to think that Anon would have to remember this kind of setting, given he had lived it for his entire life. Yet, the bright and cheeriness of this world had disarmed him. It was almost unbelievable that a town like Ponyville could taste such destruction and devastation. He couldn’t help but feel bad for the ponies of Ponyville.
Speaking of, he felt one of them tug at his pant leg. He looked down to see that it was none other than Scootaloo, the mastermind of this little plan. Anon desperately wanted to cuss out the little filly for nearly getting him killed. Instead, he sighed and kneeled down to ruffle her hair.
“You did good, kid.” Anon said, confusing himself as to why he would congratulate the shit. Chalking this mistake up to trauma, he followed the Filly into the dining hall. Here, Starlight and Trixie were practically running a soup kitchen, attempting to feed everyone in this time of crisis. Of course, other ponies helped with cooking and baking because that was the kind of town Ponyville was. Even during a time like this, they were baking cupcakes, pies, and other sweet goods. It perplexed Anon to no end. Hell, where’d they even get the supplies to make sweets?
Anon joined a line that had been forming, with the three fillies behind him. He tried to ignore the many ponies that were staring at him, to no avail. He was adamantly reminded why he didn’t ever want to leave his house. Luckily, the fillies chose now to annoy him with conversation.
“Did you see us, Mr. Anonymous?” Apple Bloom asked, jumping in place. “We actually got to be heroes for once like our big sisters!”
“Was kinda busy not dying.” Anon answered, putting his hands in his pockets. The line sure was moving.
“If we didn’t already have our cutie marks, I’d say we should’ve gotten one for being rescuers!” Sweetie Belle squeaked. The three fillies clapped their hooves together in what could be assumed was the pony equivalent of a group high five.
“Cutie Mark Big Dang Heroes!” They chimed in unison. How they all knew to say the same thing was beyond Anon.
“The hell even is a cutie mark?” Anon couldn’t help but mutter the question under his breath. The fillies heard and then gasped audibly.
“You don’t know what a cutie mark is?” Apple Bloom looked at Anon with a skeptical glare. “Have you been living under a rock?”
“More like in an abandoned hut at the edge of your town but sure. Let’s go with rock.”
“Well, a cutie mark is only the most important thing in the world!” Sweetie Belle enlightened Anon matter-of-factly, bouncing her curly mane in one of her hooves. “It tells everypony what your special talent is.”
“Yeah! We three got matching cutie marks for helping others find their cutie marks, see?” The three fillies squashed their hindquarters together, showing their marks, and presented themselves to Anon. Anon took a momentary glance before immediately turning away in shock and embarrassment.
“Dear lord, put that away!” Anon pleaded, shielding his eyes, “I ain’t tryna catch a case here!” The three fillies tilted their heads.
“What the hay does that mean?” Apple Bloom was the first to ask. Anon shook his head.
“Forget it. I rather hope and believe no such thing exists in this world.” Anon reaches the food part of the line. He avoided the cakes and cupcakes, having a distaste for the spongy, ickiness of cake. Instead, he just took a couple doughnuts. It was nothing that’ll fill his stomach, but he expects the sugar will keep him going for another hour or so. The fillies loaded their plates with sweets, only to sheepishly unload half of it after the others in line glared at them.
Anon avoided the big table where all the ponies had congregated. He instead found a corner, far in the back of the room freed of any equine based creatures. He pressed his back against the wall and slid down to sit. Before him still were the troublesome trio.
“Don’t you girls have other friends beyond yourselves?” Anon questioned.
“Oh yeah! We have tons from school!” Sweetie Belle cheerfully replies.
“But it looked like you were gonna sit alone.” Scootaloo wore a concerned expression. Anon scoffed.
“That was the plan.” He nonchalantly muttered, eating a doughnut. He did his best to not acknowledge how fluffy and sugary the doughnut was. The fillies looked at each other and, with determined faces, nodded in unison.
“You could use a couple friends yourself, Anon.” Apple Bloom decided.
“Debatable.” He took another bite, keeping his eyes close so as to not be tempted with puppy eyes.
“Have you ever had friends?” Scootaloo asked incredulously.
“Long, long ago. Maybe. Depends on what you count as a friend.” Anon faked thinking deeply. “I stood in a group of people and listened to them talk, but never said a word and never hung out with them.
“That’s not friendship.” Sweetie declared. Anon only gave a halfhearted shrug.
“Guess not then.” Anon kept his eyes closed, not daring to open them. Despite this, he knew deep down he had likely upsetted the fillies. Anon silently bet that his cutie mark would have been a pill bottle because he was such a downer. He suddenly felt a heat touching against his legs and in his lap. Anon opened one eye, only to see that fillies took residence to his lap and thighs, eating their food. For once, they were silent. Anon grimaced. He knew he should’ve kept his eyes, and probably his mouth, shut.
As a gesture of repentance, Anon used his hands to lightly pet the three ponies. The urge had been eating at him since he walked with them into the Everfree. Their coats were soft and heavenly. From their smiles and blissful gazes, Anon could tell they enjoyed it too. The last time he ever pet a pony was Twilight on their first meeting. He worried that it might’ve been demeaning or infantilizing. The fillies didn’t object though, so what’s the harm? It was difficult however, having three fillies and only two hands. If Anon pets one pony too long, the neglected pony reaches for his hand and steals it. Yet, if Anon were to be honest with himself, this was a real good problem to have. Anon could feel his chest rise and fall as he reached a meditative state. He didn’t realize just how tired the day had made him. Or maybe those doughnuts had caused him a sugar crash. Whatever the case, Anon ceased hearing the murmurs of the room and instead focused in on both his and the fillies soft breathing. Maybe, just maybe…
CRASH!
The sudden sound of lightning silenced the entire castle. There was a brief moment, before another sound of lightning followed. This pattern repeated, as only a few seconds of silence interrupted the striking of lightning. Anon sighed in defeat, moving the disturbed and frightened fillies from his lap as he stood. He walked up to the front-facing windows and looked outside. The sight was a foreboding one.
A massive airship was stationed right above Ponyville, as a massive storm raged just above that. The sky was dark and rain poured down onto the beaten town. From the ship itself was where the majority of lightning strikes emerged. Cannons protruded from the air ship's hull, firing lightning bolts at the ground. They struck down at the ground, blowing apart the remaining Timberwolves that roamed. The Timberwolves, hearing the thunderous crashes, ran off back into the Everfree Forest. Once they were gone, the cannons turned to face the castle. Anon cursed and ducked down.
The Crystal Castle was struck with a bolt of lightning that shook the castle to its foundations. What was once quiet now erupted into pandemonium once more as ponies panicked at the Storm soldier’s assault. The Mayor, in a futile attempt, tried to reign in the ponies that ran in circles and into rooms. The castle sustained numerous strikes in this time, which only served to add to the fire.
“We gotta fight an airship now?!” Anon whined in disbelief. Anon peeled carefully back out of the window, watching as Storm creatures descended from the ship on ropes that reached the ground. They were armed with their spears once more and formed a barricade in front of the castle. Moreover, they used what debris they could find to create some waist high cover. Anon could see the tips of the spears glowing a light blue. Anon saw a spear aimed towards him and ducked in time before a rouge bolt whizzed past his head. Needless to say, Anon backed away from the window.
“Anonymous, what’s happening out there?” Starlight Glimmer galloped next to Anon, dragging a reluctant Trixie by her tail. She had curled up into a ball, shivering like a baby left in the cold.
“I-It’s all over, Starlight! T-They’re going to strike us with l-lightning!” Trixie stammered from behind her hooves.
“Hate to agree with Blooregard Q. Kazoo over there, but yeah. They’re trying to hit us with lightning.” Anon crouched down to the floor, unsure if another bolt would come flying fast and decide he was a pretty good conductor. “They got a big ass ship too.”
“That’s...not good.” Starlight had a thousand yard stare.
“I take it you have no contingency plans?” Anon asked hopefully. “A magic spell that can maybe make a whole platoon of soldiers and a ship go away?”
“Not any spell I could cast.” Starlight admitted. She sat and held her forehooves to her temple, deep in thought. “Maybe...maybe I can teleport everypony behind the castle and we can slip away?” Anon shook his head.
“If I were one of them, I’d make sure I’d have all my victims in one spot. They have to be watching this place on all sides. Plus, there’s a big airship. You ain’t outrunning that.” All this doom and gloom was enough to make Trixie bawl her eyes out. Anon, for a brief moment, was taken out of the worry of impending to marvel at the sheer amount of liquids pouring out of her eyes.
“Trixie’s Wagon is still out there!” She cried, a small puddle of tears forming at her feet. She sniffled as she tried to talk. “Trixie won’t be able to perform her shows! Trixie will be locked in a dark, smelly dungeon. Or, worse, she’ll have to perform for entertainment to a bunch of evil Storm creatures! For Free-ee-eeee~” Trixie cried even harder at such a heinous idea. Anon’s eye twitched.
“You’re crying because you won’t preform a dumb show?!” Anon yelled at her, causing the pony to look up at him with an angry, yet still tearful expression.
“But of course! Trixie’s a magician!” She wipes her teary eyes and points an accusatory hoof at the human. “If you had seen the Great and Powerful Trixie at a more convenient time, you would not insult her craft.”
“Magic already exists! You’re a unicorn! What could you possibly do that no one else could?!” Anon was beginning to lose it, as the weight of the situation bore on his shoulders, crushing him under the prospect of dying in an alien world far from home. Trixie angrily sniffs.
“Trixie’ll have you know, Trixie has a talent for creating fireworks, sprinklers and other pyrotechnics better than anypony!”
“Yeah yeah yeah, cause all you ponies have a cutie mark that represents...a special...talent…” The gears in Anon’s brains shook off the cobwebs and began turning. “Wait, you can make fireworks?”
“Of course Trixie can!” She asserted. “I even had a little market for it. Although, Trixie’s fireworks are known for their...volatility.” She scratched at the back of her mane with a hoof sheepishly. Anon nodded to himself, placing a hand to his chin.
“Where are these fireworks, Trixie.”
“Trixie has said, they’re in her wagon outside. Why do you want to know?”
“Cause I might just be able to save all your asses again.” Anon asserted, a smile spreading on his fate. He turned to Starlight, lightning still cracking in the background. He swore he heard the crystalline shell behind him crack. “Starlight. Can you teleport us into her wagon.” To this, Starlight blew a raspberry.
“Ha, can I.” She asserted, with a wave of her hoof. Anon grabbed it, emphasizing his point.
“Teleport us.” He asked the pony. “If we can pick up those fireworks and whatever else is in there, I can think of a few uses for them that could even the playing field.”
“But,” Starlight started. “You’re a human! I don’t know how magic of that nature will affect you. Twilight and I meant to run tests, but you never responded to our letters or-“
“Yeah, yeah. Let’s stop talking about the things I didn’t do and focus on what I’m gonna do.” Anon pleaded with his eyes. Starlight looked behind her as all the ponies had evacuated the dining room and had entered into the many, many rooms within the castle. She could still hear their distant cries, however. She looked back to Anon and nodded. Her horn started to glow.
The sensation was disorientating at best, debilitating at worse. Anon felt as though a flash bang had gone off right in front of his nose. Probably should’ve backed up a bit. His ears were ringing, the air around him was displaced, and vertigo hit him like a truck. Anon could feel the doughnuts he had eaten plan a speedy retreat. Anon lurched in the opposite direction to where Starlight had been and vomited. Immediately, something was off. Anon, his vision still gone, couldn’t see anything. However, he slowly gained his hearing and thought he heard a light shimmering noise. He reached up and rubbed his eyes of the light. When Anon felt comfortable enough to open them, the sight before him stunned him.
Where Anon had thrown up what he assumed was sugar coated bile, was instead a rainbow colored mixture that sparkles in the darkness. Anon blinked a few times, before coughing a few more drops. This caught Trixie’s attention.
“You buffoon!” Trixie exclaimed. “You threw up in Trixie’s Wagon!” Anon attempted to stand, only to hit his head on the roof. He clutched it and looked closely around his environment. The wagon was tight fit for the three and the new rainbow mess only limited their space.
“Should I be worried?” Anon asked, his stomach threatening to evict more fantastical bodily fluids. Starlight shrugged while making the universal noise of “I have no clue”. Anon decided to leave that for another day and returned to his observations. The wagon was packed with all sorts of junk, with a pair of beds on the sides and pyrotechnics haphazardly left lying around. “Damn, bitch, you live like this?”
“You have no right to judge, Anonymous.” Trixie replied quickly, as if she anticipated a comment.
“Is that the first time you’ve used my name?” He fired back. The two would have gotten into it, hadn’t Starlight stepped in.
“Can we please just get what we came for and go?” Starlight groaned. With that, Anon and the ponies grabbed whatever they could carry in flammable material. Anon also made sure to carry gunpowder, a little smirk on his face. Trixie caught it from the corner of her eye.”
“Why are you smiling?” She asks cautiously.
“I wouldn’t think you ponies had this in your world. Thought you used magic or some shit.”
“We do.” Starlight interjected. “It’s more of an option for Earth ponies and Pegasi. It’s a fairly simple spell too.” Anon considered this new information.
“In that case, prepare to teach your fellow unicorns, Starlight.” Anon ordered.
“Anonymous,” Starlight asked slowly, casting a curious gaze at the human. He was holding up a box of Roman Candles. On his face was the most mischievous grin, one that was almost scary in how self-assured it was. For Anon, he wasn’t entirely sure if this would even work at all. But, the prospect of what he was planning was enough to excite him. He turned to look over his shoulder at Starlight as she asked a simple question. “What exactly are you planning to do?”
“It’s really simple, Starlight.” Anon pulled up a large empty cylinder and looked again at the Roman candles. “We’re gonna fight fire...with fire.”
“Aren’t the Storm creatures using lightning, Anon?” Trixie asked smugly, thinking she called him out. Anon glared at the blue horse.
The second lieutenant stood at the bow of the S.S. Monsoon. It was an old ship, with it’s best years being in some of the earliest conquests led by the Storm King. It’s had parts repaired and replaced throughout its life, so much that there’s no telling if it’s the same ship it was then. The lieutenant felt sympathy for the vessel, knowing what it was like to have parts of you removed and replaced for the sake of staying alive. The lieutenant stroked his long beard with his free hand, the other holding his mask.
The old, wisened creature remembered a time before the Storm King. His people lived in the mountains, amongst its highest points. Their strength and tenacity on the battlefield were all a result of their harsh environment. Despite this, they were once peaceful, yet proud people. In a time before the Storm King.
The lieutenant put his mask back on. Those times were over, as was the time for reminiscing. He oversaw his platoon, surrounding the castle of crystals. It was a peculiar structure in this homely and rustic town, but it didn’t matter. Soon, it would be indistinguishable from all the rubble they would leave. After they looted it, of course.
The lieutenant turned and walked the top deck of the ship, the sounds of lightning no longer registering as noise. He entered a small room, which was placed under the wheel steering the ship. In this room, leaders from the three squads under his command sat. They had been talking amongst each other, before stiffening and saluting their superior.
“At ease.” The lieutenant took his seat at the head of the table. He picked up the first napkin and dried his hands of rain water. “Now, start at the very beginning.”
“It all started simple enough.” The first leader spoke, his voice sophisticated. This betrayed his larger and bulkier physique in comparison. “We each sent our teams to sweep the town, fill our sacks, and capture the equines. We took all the precautions, making sure the cages' anti-magic fields were properly turned on this time.” He casted a wayward glance at the second squad leader, who whistled an innocuous tune.
“All had gone well in the town,” The third leader had a raspy voice, similar to that of a chain smoker. His physique was rather slim and unimposing. “However, two of my units had gone to investigate a house on its very fringes. That’s when they found...him.” He spoke the word slowly, contempt seeping into the word.
“Yes, the Windbreaker, as the troops are calling him.” The lieutenant crumpled the napkin in his fist. “What do we know about him?”
“Well, he’s bigger than most we’ve faced.” The second squad leader piped up. Humorously, the creature wore a pair of glasses over his mask and had a rather nasally voice. “About as tall as a Minotaur, but not nearly as muscular nor physically imposing. He’s quite fast and sneaky. Rather than overwhelming his opponents as we do, he uses underhanded tactics to gain an advantage.”
The lieutenant considered all of this. This mission was meant to be painfully easy. The land of Equestria had a habit of being under constant duress from ancient evils to ambitious troublemakers. Despite this, the ponies relied on a small team of ponies to save them throughout their history. Their army, at best, we’re a hurdle, to leap over. They were nothing more than a scarecrow meant to scare off would be attackers. But, last the lieutenant heard, General Tempest had captured the leader of the “Elements of Harmony”. Thus, nothing should have impeded them.
“Are we sure that the Windbreaker is within the castle right now?”
“That is an affirmative.” Said the first leader. “One of my men had a visual on the creature. “Though, the troops are hesitant to enter the castle. They believe he may have booby-trapped the structure.” The lieutenant nods.
“I would not put it past him. Thus, we will sustain cannon fire until either they come out or the castle falls.” Just then, a young private bursts through the doors of the Captain’s quarters.
“The Windbreaker has exited the castle!” He hurriedly shouted, out of breath. All the leaders stood in unison and followed the private to the ship’s bow. Looking over the edge, they did in fact see the Windbreaker stand in front of the castle doors.
The Windbreaker was clad in metal armor that seemed to not fit as properly as they should, leaving parts of his skin exposed. What was more curious was what was in his arms. Two pairs of six cylinder barrels were taped together and a handle welded to the top for the Windbreaker to grab onto. Following the length of the two tools, a piece of string trailed underneath the door he was standing in front of. For the time being, the creature did not move, only standing there.
“It appears to just be standing there. Menacingly.” The nasally leader commented, pushing up his glasses. The lieutenant watched the Windbreaker with eager eyes, wondering what else the creature had up its sleeve. He saw as the creature’s head turned up to look at him.
“This should be interesting.” The lieutenant smiled.
Anon was scared shitless. This was all so much cooler in his head. He had asked for a suit of armor to defend himself from the lightning strikes that would assuredly fly his way. He had forgotten that medieval pony armor would be pony sized and pony proportioned. There had to be a few adjustments made to get as much of him covered as possible, but there were definitely some openings. Luckily, his midsection, the largest and most likely part of his body to be hit, was covered. Silver linings.
As for the twelve barrels of Roman candles, it was the only bit of comfort he had. Despite the pouring rain, he had little doubt that these magical fireworks would fizzle out so lamely. Trixie guaranteed it. Although, this was Trixie he was talking about and she is very much full of it. Still, he was their first and arguably only line of defense, so for their sake’s, they best not steer him wrong.
Anon took a long inhale and held it. He reminded himself why he was doing this. He placed himself back into the Everfree, where he was scared, alone, and unprepared. He then imagined, one by one, all the ponies and the dragon he had met since then. He knew very little about them and that was his fault. He knew this. However, maybe, just maybe, he would get to know them. Maybe, just maybe, he could accept the hoof of friendship. But that day will never come if Ponyville falls. Anon let out a long exhale and opened his eyes.
“Light ‘em up, Starlight!” Anon yelled out, readying his arms. From behind the door, Starlight lit the fuse.
“Please let this work…” She silently pleaded, as the fused disappeared under the door. The fuse followed along the wire, reaching the barrels of the two artificial cannons.
3...2...1…
It was beautiful.
It all came flooding out the chambers at once. Aimed at the line of soldiers at the castle steps, their defenses were whittled away by the multicolored, flaming rockets. The Storm creatures panicked, attempting to fire back on the human. However, the rockets glare blinded them, leading their shots to stray. What bolts did connect, hit Anonymous’ armor. Judging by the fact that his blood was not boiling in his skin, he took it that the suit was working. He took slow measured steps, making sure not to trip. He pivoted his arms to cover the whole of the troops in flaming justice.
It dawned on Anonymous that his plan was working. The Storm creatures ran screaming and crying, some attempting to put out the fires that had caught on their fur in poodles of rain. It was a bloodless massacre, with creatures running left and right. Anon couldn’t help but laugh like a madman.
“AHAHAHA!” Anon roared into the air, stomping his way down the steps. “I AM BULLETPROOOOF!” With that utterance, the windows to the castle opened and more Roman candles were launched out of the windows. These, however, were aimed at the flying airship. If one were to look at Ponyville from a distance, one would assume a massive party was being held.
While the airship couldn’t catch fire due to the rain, the sheer force and initial blast was enough to damage the hull and scorch the sails. The soldiers on the ship scrambled to fix the damages, but it was all too much to handle for a skeleton crew. The lieutenant took the wheel of the vessel and guided the vessel away from the castle.
Anon, after successfully running off the Storm creatures, Anon focused fire on the ship. This sped up the damage to the hull, eventually creating holes. Anon shot into these holes, leaving the airship to burn from the inside out.
Meanwhile, the Storm creatures in Ponyville retreated to the outskirts to lick their wounds. When they looked up however, they saw an airship slowly falling towards them. Once more, they panicked and ran in every which way, hoping to avoid the crash landing. The ship’s underbelly hit the ground first and slowly the entire vessel started falling apart, board by board. The ship finally stopped by the edge of the Everfree Forest, permanently grounded.
Anon’s makeshift cannons finally ran out of ammunition. Anon dropped the cannons in the muddy soil, saying his heartfelt goodbyes. He reached behind himself, grabbing his ole faithful bat. From behind him, the ponies ran out en masse, stampeding to the grounded Storm ship. They all came armed with more fireworks and charged screaming. Anon himself told them to do so, to come across as threatening as possible.
The goal was never to fight, as the ponies would never win. But, as current events have proven, scaring the Storm creatures with explosions and taking down their ship will send a message, Ponyville will not go quietly into the Storm.
Anon walked with the bay on his shoulder as ponies ran past him, firing off more fireworks into the sky. The sight was something surreal. Little fires burned in the spaces where the rain couldn’t quite reach, giving the town an eerie orange glow. He came to wonder if this would be good for Ponyville in the long run, teaching them such a destructive use of gunpowder. The ponies themselves were also quite scary when they wanted to be, running in little packs and crying their war cries. Interrupting his thoughts was a rogue fully landing on his back.
“That was awesome!” Scootaloo yelled into his ear, causing Anon to recoil. The other fillies joined up by his legs, trotting alongside him.
“That had to be the most fireworks I’ve ever see at one time.” Sweetie Belle commented.
“Ah can’t wait to tell my sister that I repelled an invasion!” Apple Bloom cheered.
“This battle isn’t over yet.” Anon finally replied, picking Scootaloo off his back. He set her down with the other fillies. “We scared them, sure. But we need to cut off the head of the snake before it truly dies.”
“Why are we cutting off a snake’s head?” Asked Sweetie Belle. “That seems very rude and dangerous.” Anon facepalmed.
“Y’all are so lucky to be adorable little horses.” Anon muttered to himself. “Just stay here. I’m going to finish this once and for all.” Anon turned back to the crashed ship and began running towards it. He could hear the ponies calling out to him but he ignored them. He made it this far, he’ll be damned before he sees it through himself.
Guess that’s my pride talking. Anon thought to himself. Well, if I’m going to be a hero, I’m taking it all the way!
The lieutenant watched as his ship burned. The rain was dying down and the interior blazed brightly, illuminating the tracks of dirt that lay before it. He stood stoically, the spear in his hand planted firmly into the ground. His other hand was held behind his back. The lieutenant would keep his composure, where his subordinates failed to. The Windbreaker had surprised him, even impressed him. Still, as long as he stood, this campaign would not end.
On queue, Anon reached the lieutenant, facing his back. He was already out of breath, staggering to breathe. Anon cursed himself for not maintaining a light jog. The lieutenant turned to face the creature, his masked helm cracked from the force of the crash landing. Anon could tell by a single look that this was the leader of the Storm creatures. At least the leader of the ones storming Ponyville. His armor was thicker and decorated in archaic medals. Though, his frame was no bigger than any of the other creatures. In fact, he seemed frailer in some ways, such as the way his armor seems to weigh him down.
“So,” Anon started, once his breathing settled. “You da boss?” Anon quickly remembered that they didn’t speak the same language. Maybe he should’ve just-
“Windbreaker.” The lieutenant called to him. Anon was caught off guard. The creature’s voice was booming and gruff, indicative of his age and hardiness. Anon gulped. “I can see that you are a warrior yourself. The way you have beaten my men has told me such.”
“I don’t know about me being a warrior...” Anon admitted, scratching his head. “I just kinda did what I saw on TV.” The lieutenant did not respond to his quip. “Also, you can speak Ponish?”
“I have studied many languages in my lifetime.” The lieutenant responded. “It is only wise that I understand my enemy.”
“Respect.” Anon readied his baseball bat. “But, I can’t let you just walk over innocent little horses. I’d feel bad.”
“Why do you risk your life for the Equestrians?” The lieutenant asked. He withdrew his spear from the soil.
“I just said. Cause I’d feel bad.”
“Why do you really?” The lieutenant was pretty patient with all things considered. Damn it, even the evil people here are trying to psychoanalyze Anon. Anon threw up his hands.
“Dude, I don’t fucking know.” Anon responded, dropping all pretense of coolness. “I got dropped in another world with nothing but the clothes on my back and a phone that I can’t use to go on the internet to look at porn.” The lieutenant raises an eyebrow under his mask. “Ever since I got here, all I’ve ever done was readjust. Readjust to living in the wilderness, readjust to living in an alien town, and now I have to readjust to fighting an army of...whatever the hell you are. The only thing I can safely say I know anymore is that I know nothing.”
The two stood in silence amongst the wreckage of the S.S. Monsoon. The only sounds now were the howling winds and the light drizzle of rain.
“Wait, did you call me ‘Windbreaker’?” Anon asked, breaking the silence. Another brief silence passed the two, before the lieutenant chuckled lightly.
“You are the most curious being.” The lieutenant remarked. The lieutenant dropped into a fighting stance, catching Anon off guard. The lieutenant leaped forward, high into the air.
“You’ve gotta be shitting me…” Anon rolled out of the way of the lieutenant, who landed with a hefty thud that shook the very ground beneath them.
He quickly recovered and began jabbing his spear at Anon. Anon dodges each stab with the littlest amount of grace possible. He tried to deflect the spear with his bat, but it was clear that he was up against a competent fighter. The lieutenant swung for Anon’s head. Anon ducked, turning to his side in preparation to swing his bat. The bat hit with a crack against his armor, but it had no effect.
The lieutenant dashed away, covering a staggering amount of distance between them. Then, he lunged forward causing Anon to roll again. The lieutenant anticipated this however, and quickly aimed the spear again at Anonymous. A lightning bolt shot from the spear, catching Anon in the chest. He flew back, but was otherwise fine. Anon rolled out of the way of more bolts, continuing his rolling until the lieutenant led his shot. This bolt struck Anon in his exposed left arm, causing him to scream in pain.
He stood clutching his arm, gritting his teeth. He felt it twitch slightly, but other than being sore it was fine. Anon, with very little options but to close the distance, attempted to run zig zag towards the lieutenant. It worked for the first two bolts, but the third caught him in the leg. Anon stumbled, but with his good leg, lifted himself up into the air. Then, he jabbed his bat forward, bludgeoning the lieutenant in the mask. The mask shattered as he recoiled, falling to his back. Anon, meanwhile, landed on his gut.
The two stood, with the lieutenant rising faster as a result of sustaining minimal damage. Anon struggles to his feet. As he stood, he could his left arm and right leg throb painfully. Still, he stood.
“Told you I’m not a warrior. You’re a terrible judge of character.” Anon remarked. He looked closely at the lieutenant, after noticing his facial features. “Wait a second, you’re an ape…”
The lieutenant, no longer fond of talking, rushes forward. Anon waits for his moment as the ape-like creature runs towards him. Then, he took off the metal helmet and used it to catch the tip of the spear inside. Lighting reflected from inside the helmet back towards the lieutenant, causing him to reflexively turn his head away from the bolts that flew out.
Anon took his chance and knocked the spear out of the ape’s hand with his bat. He swung for the head, only for the ape to catch the bat and tear it from his hands. The ape then swung the handle of the bat at Anon, catching him in the face. Anon was stunned, briefly seeing stars and feeling his brain beat out of his skull. He touched the side of his head and felt the warm trickle of blood. Looking at his hand, he confirmed it. Anon quickly dug his bloody hand into the ground. As the ape approach, appraising the bat, then raising it, Anon struck.
“Pocket mud!” Anon cried, throwing the dirt into the lieutenant's eye. The ape roared as he dropped the bat and used his hands to rub his face. Anon stood up and was readying a kick to the nuts, when he realized the ape was covered head to toe in armor. His mind raced, until it struck gold. Anon dug under his chest armor, finding a roll of firecrackers and a match. He lit the firecrackers, grabbed the lieutenant’s armor, and shoved the firecrackers into the space inbetween.
Anon backed up to give himself space from what was sure to go down. One by one, each firecracker went off, causing the ape to dance in place at the sudden explosions. To Anon’s surprised he “ooh” and “aah”’d like your traditional monkey. The lieutenant removed each of his armor pieces, in an attempt to rid himself of the miniature explosions. Anon ran for his bat and the spear, removing both of those from around the dancing ape. He took the spear and chucked it like an Olympian spear tossed, sending it a good ways away from them.
“Ha! Try and fight me without a-“ Was all Anon could say, as he turned and caught a giant backhand to the face. He was sent flying through the air, landing with a tumble into the grass. He laid face down, his bat mere inches away from his hand. “-weapon.” He finished with a mouth full of dirt.
“This setback has given me much to think about.” The ape replied, his body now bare. He was very top heavy, with his massive arms swinging by his ankles. His hair was wild and unkempt, with visible bald spots in places, especially a massive one on his head. “However, after I defeat you, I doubt I will have the opportunity to fight someone like you again.” Anon reached for his bat, only for the lieutenant to kick it away.
“Dick move…” Anon eked out, the pain overwhelming his body but not his sense of humor. The lieutenant rolled Anon over on his back, leaving Anon to stare into the sky. Soon, the lieutenant entered and remained in his vision.
“If it’s any consolation, your name will be remembered, Windbreaker.” The lieutenant raised his fists into the air. “The Storm King may even award you posthumously.”
“Where even is your, King.” Anon’s head rolled to the side. Partly because he didn’t want to watch as he was clubbed to death by two fists. But also…
“He has conquered the city of Canterlot, where he will stake his claim on Equestrian magic.”
“You mean the city with the god ray?” Anon pointed in the direction of Canterlot. The lieutenant, puzzled by his comment, looked to see what the creature was referring to.
In the distance, stood the city of Canterlot. The Storm clouds were clear and there were no signs of fighting nor conquest. In fact, just above them, the Storm has all but stopped. Neither had noticed, until Anon had been rolled onto his back. The sky was a beautiful hue of orange-red, signifying the setting of the sun. It was a calm and peaceful sight.
The lieutenant slowly lowered his arm and stepped away from Anon. He stood in stunned silence. Anon, for his part, slowly sat up. He groaned in pain as his everything throbbed as one.
“The Storm King has never lost a battle.” The lieutenant remarked, to no one in particular. Anon smirked.
“I think you mean ‘had’, bud.” Anon looked at the vista. “I heard that these ponies had a habit of fixing everything in the end. Lucky bastards.” The lieutenant looked at the wounded alien as he finally made himself stand. The lieutenant was amazed to find that after the battle they had, the creature was able to stand, despite his injuries. Anon caught him staring. “What? I got my arm broken by one of those ponies. ‘Tis but a flesh wound.”
“Who...No, what are you?” The lieutenant of the former Storm King’s army asked. Anon looked at him. The Storm creature, once composed and unflinching in his goals, was somber. His face was in a state of shock, as if he learned he didn’t exist. His whole body sagged, as if his armor still weighed on his shoulders. Anon could tell the soldier was shell shocked by his Kong’s sudden defeat.
Once, Anon saw a beastly creature. The head of an invading army that had captured Ponyville in the span of hours. It was under his command that he was attacked in his home, ran out of town, and ultimately beaten senseless in an increasingly pointless duel. Anon had feared this creature and, in turn, hated him.
He had the entire fight planned in his. He would suffer a crushing defeat, his darkest hour. The ape creature would tower over him and, at the last minute, an ancient power would awaken in him. He’d learn the reason why he was transported to this strange and unpredictable world. He would be a hero, or a lord, or maybe even an ancient evil in and of himself. Regardless, he’d beat the ape and save Ponyville from utter destruction. He’d have his wish: a reason to belong.
However, as he stood side-by-side with this once scary man, he now sees something different. He sees a man. Well, not really a man, more like an ape-yeti-thing. Regardless, he saw someone who was now displaced. Trapped in an alien world, taken from his home, wherever that was. Anon felt an odd connection with the creature, an overwhelming sense of empathy. Anon gave a sad sigh.
“What I think I am is probably what you are too: Lost.” Anon admitted. The statements sounded profound in his head, but hearing it, it was more pretentious. He shrugged. “Anyway, I’d hide out in the Everfree until everything dies down. Also, be careful of those Timberwolves. They suck.”
With that parting wisdom, Anon hobbled off to his home. He left the old ape to consider his next steps in life. Behind him, he could hear as the ape ran off into the Forest to join his displaced peers. Anon stepped on his foot wrong and nearly landed flat on his face before catching himself on his knees. Cursing under his breath, he silently wished for the lieutenant to be bitten on the dick by a Timberwolf.
It's been a couple days since “The Storm on Ponyville”, as one paper called it. Anon had collapsed just outside his house when he passed out from a combination of exhaustion and his wounds. Luckily, as the news reports, the local trio of fillies known as the Cutie Mark Crusaders, had found Anonymous in this state and gotten medical staff to treat him in his house. Once his condition was stabilized, it was recommended that he stayed home for the time being. Anon originally protested, as he felt that he should be part of the cleanup crew that was working to restore Ponyville after the invasion. However, the ponies won and Anon was homebound until his wounds healed.
All of this information was in the newspaper that Anonymous neglected to read. Instead, he rolled it up and used it to swipe a fly that intruded from one of the holes in his house. Because Anon was bedridden for his injuries, he failed to get his house fixed up as a result of the invasion of his privacy by the Storm creatures. After the fly successfully escaped his clutches, Anon sat back on his couch and reread the cover story. It was, of course, about the exploits of the Elements of Harmony. Apparently they went on a cross-country journey to find help and then journeyed back to put an end to the Storm King’s reign. What surprised Anon the most was the fact that the Storm creatures were damn near acquitted of all crimes. The worst the Storm King’s men got was a slap on the wrist for bad behavior. Otherwise, they were invited to the very event they crashed.
Anon crumpled the newspaper and through it at a wall with full force. He groaned and laid on the couch, staring up at the ceiling. The whole event left him exhausted, yet unfulfilled. He expected something bigger from this whole event. He had thought that this was the start to an epic quest, a journey of epic proportions to discover why he was brought to the magical world of Equestria. When he saw the Storm King’s army, he thought that they would be his reason. They would be an evil, unredeemable force that would crumble the happy paradise that was Equestria. Anon, ordained by some horse God, had summoned him to teach the defenseless ponies how to defend themselves. Why else would a human be here? Humans were survivors and warriors by nature. Therefore, he was sent to teach the ponies that right? Or, it could’ve been just as simple as Anon being the “chosen one”, whatever the hell that would mean.
Alas, the invasion was just that. There was no greater plan, no eleventh hour superpower, nothing to suggest that Anonymous was a great hero to show up during a time of need. He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
This led Anon down a deeper, more depressing spiral: What would have happened if the Elements didn’t win? Anon challenged the lieutenant of the invading army with the idea that he was supposed to. It made practical sense of course, but the more he thought about, the more stupid he realized the whole fight was. Had he stayed with the fillies and focused on actually helping ponies, he wouldn’t have had his ass handed to him by a monkey. He got too big for his britches and was nearly hoisted by his own petard. A second too late of noticing Canterlot’s liberation and he’d be chow.
Anon grimaced. It was a gruesome thought. Yet, it would’ve meant that he would be, in a sense, free. Not just from this bizzare equine-based world, but just, everything. He wouldn’t have to worry about why he arrived in the first place. All worries, all fear, all uncertainty gone within an instant. Maybe that’s why he…
Anon sat up. He knew this was an intrusive thought. He got up, looking for his phone for a distraction. He picked it up and frowned. The screen had cracked in the scuffle, which didn’t help his spirits one bit. Maybe in the adjacent dimension there was a phone repair shop. Anon briefly pondered the idea of living there instead. It was much closer to home than Equestria. For one, there was modern technology and, you know, humans. Yeah, these humans were discolored and, yeah, they probably behaved just like the ponies. Still, it was a step in the right direction? He sighed.
“I think I really am lost.” Anon said quietly to himself. “In more ways than one.” Just as he was about to press play and melt into a world of pure imagination, he heard knocks at the door. Anon wondered if he should just have an open door policy and let ponies just walk inside, instead of having them bang on his door and drive him crazy. He rolled his eyes and set his phone down, limping to the door. He opens the door to find a group of familiar faces.
“Hi, Anonymous!” Three fillies chimed in unison. Starlight and Trixie stood behind them. Starlight had a warm, disarming smile that almost made Anon smile in return. These ponies had that effect, so there’s a plus one in the “Stay in Ponyville” column. Right next to her was good ole Trixie, who was pouting and looking away from Anon. She clearly didn’t want to be here.
“Why are you here?” Anon asked, skipping the formalities. Starlight sighed, her smile not leaving her.
“Still the same grump, I see.” Anon nodded.
“I’d have it no other way. Why are you here?”
“We just wanted to stop by and thank you personally for helping with that whole ‘invasion’ debacle.” Starlight casted a glance at Trixie. “ALL of us.” To this, Trixie sighed.
“I guess the human has provided his aid on more than one occasion.” She admitted, still looking away. Anon smirked.
“Aw, you even taught her my species.” Anon gave her a condescending pat on the head, quickly withdrawing when the unicorn almost bites him. The fillies erupted with laughter. “So, now that you thanked me, are you gonna leave?” Now it was Starlight averting eye contact.
“Uh, well…” She started and may as well have stopped. Anon could already see that there was ulterior motive to this visit. “The Elements aren’t coming back for a couple more days and so, we’re still on babysitting duty. Now, the girls really enjoy your company and you don’t really having anything going on-“
“You’re dumping them on me.” Anon responded flatly.
“What? Nooooo.” Starlight said slowly. “I mean, ‘dumping’ is such a negative term. I’d suggest it’s more of a ‘relocation’.” Anon raised an eyebrow as he slowly closed the door. Starlight uses her magic to stop the door. “Okay, yeah we’re dumping them here. Please, Anon? I’m no good at this babysitting thing! I already have one giant baby to take care of?” Starlight glared at Trixie, who looked off into the distance and whistled a tune.
“I-“ Anon began to object when he felt the weight of three littles hugging his legs.
“Pleeeeaaase, Anon~” Sweetie Belle pleaded.
“We promise to be good~!” Apple Bloom whined.
“They won’t let us do any fun stuff~” Scootaloo cried.
All three of them looked at Anonymous with the wettest, saddest puppy eyes that Anon had ever seen in his life. The way the light caught on their pupils, how the tears bubbled on the edge of the eyelids but never poured, and the small, near inaudible whimpering that came from them. Anon had to close his eyes to fight back tears because of how cute they were. When he opened them again, he kept his stone cold expression.
“Fine. I’ll be the bigger man and look out for them.” Anon submitted. The three immediately quit the act and jumped in the air, clapping hooves together.
“Cutie Mark Crybabies! Yay!” They screamed in unison, before running under Anon’s legs and into his home. Anon, having returned from his moment of weakness, eyed the two ponies.
“What fresh hell hath thou brought upon me?” Anon questioned. Starlight’s reply was only a light chuckle, before grabbing Trixie and teleporting out of sight. After a rub of the eyes, Anon closed the door. He took a deep breath before facing the trio. To his surprise, the house was no worse than he left it, though if they managed to make it worse, it would've been more impressive than anything. Instead, the three fillies were looking over his worn bat.
“Hey, can I swing the bat you used to bash a bunch of baddies, Anon?” Scootaloo asked, before Apple Bloom snatched it from her.
“I wanna swing the bat!” Apple Bloom complained, not noticing a little green field enveloping the object in question. However, she did notice when Sweetie Belle took off into one of the holes in the wall of the house. “Hey! Get back here!” The other two fillies gave chase, laughing all the while.
Anon watched the whole interaction, cognizant to the smile on his face. No matter how hard he tried, those little bastards gave him a warm, fuzzy feeling. Was he not just contemplating leaving Ponyville not minutes ago?
“Maybe I’m just thinking too much.” Anon softly admitted. “If nothing else, this little moment right here was something worth fighting for.”
