At the end/in the Beginning

Dying hadn’t been on my list of plans for the day, but there wasn’t a lot I could do about it.

I’ve always had a wary relationship with cars. We couldn’t afford the ungodly insurance to teach me to drive when I was a teenager and found out that we still couldn’t when I was a young adult. My issue was mostly with other people who drove as if they owned the road. Because I didn’t drive, I walked to most places, and I could swear on the Bible that I was invisible about half the time I walked. One third of the times I crossed the street, I had to leap back onto the sidewalk as someone decided that their turn was more important than the pedestrian who had the right of way, and who wouldn’t make as much of a dent in the car as the car would in him. Sorry, pet peeves. It’s been long enough you’d think I could let it go …

Anyway, I’m sure that you can see where this is going. I’d been on a walk to the chain store which shall remain nameless for copyright reasons around the corner from my house. It was about 9:30 P.M., but I’d done this hundreds of times before. As I waited to cross the only street required to get there, I was surprised by the lack of traffic. As soon as I hit the crosswalk button, my light turned green, and the “Walk” sign came on. I was halfway through the street when I heard an engine roaring, coming straight for me, running a red light. I turned and saw what looked like a monster truck headed right for me. I tried to leap out of the way, but wound up tripping over thin air (yes, I’m a klutz) and fell flat on my face, my glasses cracking on the street. I heard the horn blaring. I didn’t feel anything, which was a blessing, but I heard a nasty crunch, like someone had stepped on a giant cockroach.

I was floating in a blackened void. I should have been terrified, but I felt completely at peace. I felt like I’d come home, almost, all of my cares and worries were another lifetime away. The monsters couldn’t get me here.

After what seemed like ten minutes, a voice whispered, What will you build? I couldn’t tell if the voice was inside my head or out of it.

“What?”

The voice came again. What will you build? This is yours. Your gift. Make it what you will.

“I don’t understand!”

Joyful laughter came. You get to build a universe of your very own, to play in and grow, forever. You can make galaxies and worlds, suns and shoes and ships and sealing wax, and cabbages and kings! Anything you dream of will come into being. What will you build?

I thought about it. My mind raced with fantastic ideas. Visions of starships filled my mind, along with a plethora of alien races. In my best impression of Star Lord, I said, “I’m gonna make some weird shit!” The voice, if it existed, laughed again.

Specifically? It asked in a teasing tone.

I thought more. “A world where magic and monsters exist. Where anything is possible! Where life throws challenges at you, but the Power of Love, and friendship reign supreme. Preferably a world without cars, I don’t want to die again. Or internet trolls. I’m honestly not quite sure.”

The voice quietly hummed. My Little Pony, My Little Pony, ah-ah-ah-ah!

“I can do that?” I asked in shock.

“Anything,” remember? Yes, you can build your very own Equus. That might be fun. Let’s do it then.

“‘Let’s?’”

You know who I am, you’ve always known. I’ll be there with you, but you won’t know it. I’m always here if you need me. Are you ready to begin? You’ll need to change, and change can be painful. It’s for the best.

I nodded. “I guess so… all right. I guess I’m ready. Hope I don’t develop a god complex!”

I screamed as my soul split apart and my consciousness expanded. When it was done, I knew that I could do anything, and would know how to do it as needed. My memory had become infinite, I would remember everything I witnessed in perfect clarity, forever. Which would be a curse as well as a blessing. I was also much, much smarter than the average bear, and I could process huge quantities of information at incredible speeds. I wasn’t a God, but I was a passable Demiurge. I didn’t have a physical form anymore, but I could if I so desired. I glanced down at myself, I was picturing my old form. I still looked the same … with two differences. The tumor in my left hand and the scar it had left was completely healed … and my right hand was cherry red, turning back to normal color a little above my wrist. In every form I took, my right hand, or equivalent appendage would be that same color, and there was nothing I could do about it. I sighed wearily, the breeze stirring the voidstuff around me. Well, he got one last joke in I said with another sigh. The voice had been … part of me, I was pretty sure.

I glanced around at my new universe, waiting to come into existence. Right. Before I do anything, I’ll need some rules.

I: No interfering in free will for any reason.

II: No pulling a Thanos and destroying everything just because I’m in a bad mood or feeling misanthropic.

III: My creations are people not playthings. No torturing them because I’m bored.

IV: Other rules may be added as becomes relevant.

I pushed my spectral glasses up my non-existent nose. I was keeping them out of habit, for that moment at least. Right. Guess I’ll get started. I snickered. This makes me the ultimate Marty Stu in a human-in-Equestria fic. I thought some more.

Rule V: No fixing everycreature’s problems with a snap of my fingers. Let mortals solve their own problems, unless dire circumstances require “divine” intervention.

Rule VI: Allow there to be conflict and hardship. It’s required for individuals to grow. Allow there to be evil, so that good might be balanced and progress. However, don’t stir up trouble, “just for kicks.”

Right. I think that covers some of the basics to start with.

Hmm… I’m going to need some mood music.

A memory surfaced. Perfect!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJ9GYswlzsI

The first thing I started with were nebulae, so that stars could be born. I then realized that I’d forgotten something vitally important. I had enough space to fit about 20 galaxies, but I’d forgotten time. I quickly started time ticking, and the dust and matter I’d created began to slowly flow and coalesce.

OK. Demiurge, not God. I’m not perfect, I’m not omnipotent, and I’m not omniscient. I can’t be everywhere at once either. I … need help. Big time. Who could watch an entire universe? I don’t want a Q Continuum running around wreaking havoc … The Watchers aren’t all that useful either… I mean, if you want a guardian race of all of space and time, there’s always … I grinned. That’ll work. Please, please don’t make me regret this, I’m going to work hard on this universe, and I don’t want it blown up!

I found a nebula and arranged a sequence of stars in them that looked like the constellation of an hourglass. I then thought of something and cackled. I took the concept of wordplay, and from it I formed a physical element, Punpunium. I scattered the new element around the universe liberally. If I get to make a universe, it is definitely going to be partly made of puns! Anyway, in canon, Equus is already a World of Pun, so might as well enjoy it.

I also created Magic, and I wove it carefully throughout the universe as a fundamental force. Magic in this universe was essentially a programing language, in theory if not in practice. It wasn’t inaccessible to average creatures for daily tasks like flight, but if you wanted to be a powerful mage you’d need to learn how it worked. I turned back to the task at hand. I formed a rocky planet that circled the star in the constellation that was in the pinch of the hourglass.

Time to get to work! I thought with a grin. I’d only formed the base idea of a planet, it was like having a ball of clay with no details, or a painting that only had the basecoat on. I was the sort of person who could spend a week straightening out the pixels of a picture I’d made so that none were out of place, so fine details weren’t my problem, the Big Picture (so to speak) was. I formed an atmosphere that was breathable, that turned the sky on this new planet a burnt orange. The next thing were mountain ranges miles high, covered in bitter snow. On the central continent I formed the two largest mountains, with a wide valley between them. I formed water, and let it rain down on the fresh soil. Blood red grass sprang up, covering the hills and swaying in the breeze. Trees with brilliant silver leaves like mirrors grew, forming forests, and silver petaled flowers covered the hills. Just for fun I added daisies and sunflowers that glowed golden in the blazing light. The entire planet was mostly desert, with patches where life could flourish in abundance. I created plants that bore strange looking fruits, as well as grains that could be domesticated.

The flora finished, I moved onto the fauna. I … may have been drunk with the power of creation. OK, I was absolutely drunk with the power of creation! I could make ANYTHING!!! Swarms of insects fluttered across the land, each more brilliantly colored than the last. Whales the size of New Jersey floated in the few oceans that surrounded the harsh landscapes. Dogs with six limbs ran throughout the forests, hunting what looked like green kangaroos. What might have been birds of paradise claimed the skies, each out calling its siblings.

I was honestly surprised, I’d spent years building this ecosystem, tuning and retuning land, sea, sky, and all the life in it. I’d barely noticed the time passing, I was so caught up in the thrill of designing a planet, and I wanted it to happen at a fairly normal pace instead of all at once. It didn’t take millions of years for life on this new planet to develop, but I’d lost a few thousand of my life. It was worth it, just to scream “I made this!” at the heavens. I could have done it in a week, but I was still human enough that I needed to design things slowly.

Once I was absolutely certain that this new ecosystem could sustain itself and function without my constant guidance, I set about making a dominate species.

I knew when I had first begun that I wanted to make a pony-like species, with a few key differences. I wasn’t sure how pony-like to make them. How realistic, I mean. I didn’t want jellybeans with legs and a head the size of their body, that would just be impractical. The laws of physics here were essentially the Cartoon Laws of Physics, but even so, it wasn’t the most efficient design, outside of a T.V, screen. On the other hand, I didn’t want just plain talking horses either. This was going to be a universe based on My Little Pony, and it needed to reflect that.

I finally decided on a design that had more equine features than the show but was still recognizably Pony. They were between 3 and 4 feet tall and had more equine heads than circles with short muzzles, but they were still very expressive. Their eyes were slightly larger than normal horse eyes but didn’t take up 2/3 of their face. Their hooves were also clearly visible, although they were very different in some regards. The back hooves were standard horse hooves, scaled to more MLP proportions, but the front hooves were fingered. They were more like paws than hooves, they split into flexible digits, each tipped with a small hoof. The 3 “fingers” were very short, but they’d allow for tool use better than just plain hooves. There was even a “dewclaw” of sorts that functioned as an opposable thumb. Even with my enhanced intelligence, fingers still made better sense than handwaving ponies being able to pick things up as “because magic” or “suction field.” Admittedly, I was being humanly prejudiced, I didn’t want to have to give up my fingers, and fingers just made more sense to my mind.

Their forelimbs were as flexible as human arms, with a ball and socket joint at the shoulder, and an elbow joint. They were also omnivorous, because bacon. Admittedly, there weren’t pigs on this planet, but it was a matter of principle. There were Skalthrogs, which tasted just like pork, so maybe there would be bacon. My creation’s diets were still about 80% herbivorous, but they did require small amounts of meat to survive.

To be perfectly honest, these weren’t technically ponies, but the base template was the same. With some important differences. This species had two hearts. Instead of lungs, they had a series of pulmonary tubes which ran throughout their entire bodies. They had an additional brain hemisphere that would allow for higher parallel processing, as well as highly enhanced senses. They were able to withstand great extremes in temperature, which was necessary for surviving on their home world. They also had a form of touch telepathy, allowing information to be exchanged quickly between individuals. They could even survive in the vacuum of space! Not for very long, only about ten minutes. You can do a lot in ten minutes though. Like invent a new species of fish. In a way, I’d almost designed a perfect predator, one with herd mentality and off the charts intelligence. I prayed (not to myself!) that that wouldn’t come back to bite me.

I’d kept the astonishing variety of fur colors, and mane colors and styles that showed up in the MLP universe, because they were so cool. This species would also gain Cutie Marks upon the discovery of their special talent in life. I created about 20 different examples of this species, mares and stallions. I wasn’t intending them to be very large in number, they didn’t have to be. I set them in the hills and valleys, where they took shelter from the elements, and civilization could form.

I found a quiet spot out of the way where nopony went and poked a very small hole in the fabric of spacetime, allowing temporal energy to slowly pour out onto the planet, like harmless radiation. It was only the size of an atom, and while it wouldn’t harm my creations in the slightest, it would speed up their development, and grant them additional abilities.

When felt I was finally finished with this planet, I stepped back, and examined my thousands of years of work. I was very proud. I was left with a beautiful alien planet with alien pony-shaped creatures who were gently being shaped by time energy into something greater. In time, they would be one of the most advanced races in my universe, but at the moment, they were at a caveman level of civilization. I knew I didn’t need to hold their hooves and guide them into what they could be, it would happen naturally, and at a faster pace than normal, only a few thousand years.

ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED:

YOU HAVE CREATED TIME LORDS

I was hoping that these Time Lords wouldn’t be exactly like the Time Lords in Doctor Who, I didn’t need a Last Great Time War on my hands. I’d seen a meme once that prolonged exposure to the Vortex induced temporary feelings of euphoria, and an irreversible god complex. I was hoping that wasn’t true, but I would have to wait and see.

I glanced at my first world and the greatest thing I’d created so far in my life. Right. I cleared my throat. I knew they couldn’t see or hear me. I didn’t want to suddenly manifest in a beam of light in the center of what would be a stone-age village, that would cause far too many problems. Just because they couldn’t hear it didn’t mean I didn’t want to reassure them. I’ll check on you all in a thousand years. I’ve got to create places for you to go out and explore! …

… I’m not comfortable being prayed to, but if I can, and if I hear you, I’ll help. I chuckled. Try not to kill each-other while I’m gone kids. You’re going to do great things. I can feel it in my … well, I don’t have bones at the moment, but still. Good luck!

….

I had no idea if the Gallopfreyans would survive that first year. I hadn’t revealed myself to them in any way, I’d just created a planet and them, and given them the potential to be fantastic. I was a nervous wreck leaving them. What if an asteroid hit the planet that first night? At the same time, I knew it was for the best if I let them develop naturally. I steeled my nerve and headed out into the universe. I set a mental alarm to go off in a thousand years, I knew I’d lose track of time, and I’d promised I’d look in on them. They were my first experiment, and I wanted to see how it worked out.

In the meantime, I went about creating the rest of the universe for my children to explore. The universe I grew up in was supposedly infinite, according to human measurements at least, I had no idea how Gods measured such things. My universe was not infinite. If I felt far enough, there was a barrier of sorts, one even I couldn’t cross. The universe would expand in time, but it would always be a smaller universe. I knew it would be big enough for me, although whether tis town iz big enough fer tha both o’ us would be another matter.

Now that I had gotten a feel for it, the process of creation came easier. I knew there was room for about 20 galaxies, so I created 16 to start with. I wanted there to be breathing room between them. I also wasn’t too sure how much I wanted my children to meet each other. That could lead to serious complications.

Rather than personally shape every aspect of life on the vast collection of worlds I made, I simply created the necessary conditions, and seeded them with the potential for life to happen naturally. The chief reasons for this were simple: a) I’m lazy by inclination, b) I wanted to be surprised by what life could design on its own, and c) I knew that I couldn’t single-handedly manage every single planet I created. I was neither omniscient nor omnipotent, and I certainly wasn’t omnipresent. My original reason for creating Gallopfrey was so that the Time Lords could keep a watchful eye on creation for me. Also, I’m a huge Doctor Who fan, and the idea of there potentially being a Doctor Whooves in my universe was too good a possibility to pass up. Besides, he’s a fan favorite!

Not every world was seeded with the possibility of life, and not every world that had been would actually develop life. The life that did develop probably wouldn’t be all that advanced either. I firmly believed in evolution, but as a tool of intelligent design, and not some cosmic accident.

Even with all of my newfound power, I still didn’t quite see myself as a God, big G. I made many sacrilegious jokes to myself, but I didn’t actually mean them. I was just a human who through some unforeseen, unbelievably improbable event had been gifted with the ability to dream a private universe into being. I had no idea how or why this had happened, and if there was an answer, I didn’t hear it.

It was … worrisome how easily I lost myself in the act of creating. I lost all sense of time, and even a bit of my sense of self. I realized that it was in some ways the ultimate drug. While I was “working” none of my cares, doubts, or mental troubles came to bother me. I was free in my mind and got to experience the closet thing I ever had to sheer joy. I could simply lose myself in nature, knowing that I had made it.

I’d been sitting on a cliff overlooking a purple sea when it happened for the first time. I’d been musing on the fact that I put so much of myself into my creations, I was losing my sense of self. I was fading away. With a small poof, a being popped into existence on my right shoulder. It was a 3-inch-tall anthropomorphic wolf, with white fur, blue eyes, white wings, and an aura around his head that looked like a halo. Outwardly, he was genderless, if you went by any obvious tells, but I knew on sight he was a he.

You have GOT to be kidding me!

The wolf shrugged, a sheepish look on his face. “Sorry, I didn’t pick the way I manifested.”

Neither did I, I pointed out.

He shrugged again. He stuck out a paw. “I’m Alexis,” he said with a wide smile.

Greek. “Helper,” or “Defender.” I suppose that’s a fitting name for a conscience. I didn’t think I had one of you lot. Not in an “Angel on my shoulder” way. I pressed the tip of my finger against his paw, he gripped it with his fingers and firmly shook. What exactly have I done to deserve your showing up?

Alexis grinned. “Well, back when you were alive you talked to yourself constantly. Maybe I’m just the next level. I think you’re lonely, if I’m going to be honest. Anyway, speaking in an official capacity, I think you should take it easy on the losing yourself in your work. Pretty soon you might not even have a mind, you’d just be a fundamental force.”

A burst of flame on my left shoulder, and a quick shock of heat. “Yeah, ‘me time’ is a pretty good idea,” a voice said, and I could picture the smug grin. I turned and looked.

Could I get any more cliché? I groaned. This wolf had black fur with red eyes and markings, bat wings, and small horns. He was also anatomically correct, but slightly exaggerated. What’s your name, Asmodeus?!

“Apep,” he said, looking hurt.

I rolled my eyes. The literal embodiment of chaos. Forgive me, I should have expected such. At least you’re both alliterative. What’s your suggestion?

Apep pulled out a scroll and a pair of rectangular reading glasses. “Well, since you brought it up, destruction might be fun. It’s a necessary force in the universe, even if you don’t like it. You could always create a paradox to stir things up. Add a little chaos to your universe. Tinkerbell over here’s right, you are lonely. You could always create some ‘companionship,’ if you know what I mean,” he said, pointing at his crotch with a shit-eating grin.

DROP. DEAD.

“Ouch. No need to get so touchy boss.”

“‘Tinkerbell?!’” Alexis said in outrage.

Apep chuckled. “Oh, come on. You’ve got the whole ‘Sweetness and Sunshine’ act down perfectly.”

“So I take pride in my appearance! What’s wrong with that?”

Apep folded his arms and grinned smugly. “Let me guess … you play the harp choirboy?”

“Piano actually, and what does that have to do with-”

“See? You might as well walk around singing hymns.”

“Listen, I have a job to do, and I’m going to do it! Just because you think everything’s fun and games-”

“Stick in the mud!”

“Lunatic!”

“You!”

“You infinity,” Alexis growled, baring his teeth, his hackles raised.

I facepalmed. Oh, my God, just stop! I’ll take your advice! Just go away, or however I get rid of you two!

Apep shrugged. “That’ll work.” They both disappeared.

I sighed. Welp. I’ve obviously gone insane. And watched The Emperors’ New Groove one too many times. I sat and watched the stars drift by, each a possibility. I sighed again. I am NOT lonely! The only response was silence.

A thousand years had passed by quickly. It was time to make good on my promise, if there was anyone there to see it. Gallopfrey wasn’t exactly where I’d left it, but bodies in space move, even if it is slowly by human standards. It took me another ten minutes to find the right star system.

I looked down on my work, and I was slightly stunned. The last time I’d seen the Gallopfreyans, they’d barely invented fire. Now, in between the mountains of Solace and Solitude, on the continent of Wild Endeavor, stood the Citadel of the Time Lords. It would have made a pretty snow globe; an idea I was still sad the BBC had never capitalized on.

I was in shock. The Gallopfreyans should not have become Time Lords that quickly! It had taken the Gallifreyans millions of years! I then remembered that I’d done something that was both lazy, and bone-headed stupid. I’d exposed the Gallopfreyans to tiny amounts of the Time Vortex constantly for a thousand years, in order to help them develop as a people. In layman’s terms, I’d left the oven on for a millennium, and my recipe was done. The fact that I’d made them phenomenally smart even as “caveponies”, and able to literally exchange ideas probably helped their development as well.

I wanted to see more. I formed myself a Gallopfreyan body, one that wouldn’t stick out too much. I glanced at my right forehoof and gave an annoyed snort that sounded a lot like a horse. It was still cherry red, turning to the dark grey the rest of my coat was at the fetlock, which was essentially the wrist of these ponies. I hated the fact that I had a “tell” to my identity.

I hadn’t had physical form in a long, long time. The feeling of the breeze on my coat, the scent of grass in my nostrils, the feeling of the ground and grass beneath my hooves, and the buzz of insects that made my ears turn to follow the sound was an alien experience, one I hadn’t had in lifetimes. I was in sensory overload, but I’d learned to deal with that as a human, and I was able to better deal with it now. I took several deep breaths, missing the feeling of my lungs expanding. After a few minutes, my heartrates slowed, and I was able to focus on the task at hoof. Speaking of, I held up my “red right hand” and wiggled the digits. It did function as a hand, for which I was grateful.

Most of my mind was inside my new body, but a fragment was keeping an eye on other things, just in case. I could see myself from outside my head, which was an unusual sensation. I was a large grey unicorn stallion, with red spiky hair, blue eyes, and a swirl of stars and planets for a Cutie Mark. I fashioned a brown cloak that I draped over myself, and I headed into the city.

I’d seen brief clips of the Citadel in Doctor Who, but this was a marvel. Towering spires connected by fragile, floating walkways sprouted from the ground. I looked up and saw flying carpets, which made my jaw drop. That … didn’t make sense. I then remembered that magic was a key part of this universe, and the Time Lords were one of the most advanced species in creation. Logically, they would also have been mighty mages, as well as great scientists. That could be fun.

I was so awed by what I saw, that I crashed into two different Time Lords. They muttered in Gallopfreyan. “Sorry!” I called. Having a mortal voice again was strange, and I coughed violently as my voice cracked, before a huge sneeze welled up and broke out. I started laughing like a maniac. “I haven’t sneezed in six thousand years. Who’s happy to sneeze? I- AH-CHOO! Urrgh.” I summoned a handkerchief and blew my nose. “OK, I haven’t actually missed allergies.” I glanced around at the grass swaying outside the city before a chuckle welled up. “Oh, good grief, I gave myself a body with hay fever.” I snickered.

I wasn’t sure where to go, or what there was to see, or if I’d be arrested for not keeping off the grass. I headed down a side street, and the scent of incense hit my nose, followed by the sound of bells softly chiming in the wind. It was a very nice smell; I’d liked incense when I was alive. I followed my nose and my ears and came across what looked like a temple. Huh. I didn’t think Gallifreyans were religious, I always thought they worshiped time, or themselves. Of course, this isn’t Gallifrey. My ears drooped when I saw the banner hanging over the door. On a black background with intricate gold edging was a red right forehoof print. There were almost no beings in the universe who could be considered gods, and only one of them had a red right hoof. Hoooh boy… Feeling nervous and pulling my cloak further over me, I headed in.

It was a very nice temple, it was slightly dark inside, but there were candles and torches that provided enough light to see by. The walls had intricate carvings on them, I concentrated for a minute so that I could read them. “Thanks be unto the Architect for our bountiful world. May his guiding hoof always show mercy unto us…” I couldn’t make out the rest, circular Gallopfreyan hurt to read. I’d need a couple of months of study to fully master it. The incense was very nice, I wasn’t sure what plant it was from, but it had a smell almost like caramel to it.

I headed into the center room and saw a circular table in the center heaped with offerings. Candles lined the curved walls of the rooms. I glanced at the mosaics and my eyes widened. There was a stylized picture of an alicorn stallion with a red right forehoof that turned back to the normal color a little above the fetlock … wearing my glasses. Oh crap.

“Many moments to thee, traveler,” came a soft voice from behind me.

I turned and saw a cream-colored Pegasus mare with a curly yellow mane and green eyes, dressed in red robes with the traditional Time Lord large collar. Her right forehoof had been carefully painted red.

I inclined my head respectfully. “Many moments to thee as well, Sister…?”

She smiled. “My birth name is Aleyebraxus, but my title is The Oracle. What brings you here today?”

“Curiosity. Who … who’s temple is this?”

Her eyes widened. “You do not know of the Architect?!”

“I come from the Drylands,” I said, “I’m sort of a hermit, I’ve rarely met another creature, and my parents did not teach me much before they died.”

The Oracle looked at me skeptically but decided to humor me. “The Architect is the being who designed and created the universe, and who built the very ground we stand on now. All things that are are as he wished them to be. We are his first children, but there will be others, in time. We have seen many times, and many timelines.”

“Hmm. Thank you, that seems-”

Her eyes widened. “Let me see your hoof!”

I held it up.

“Your other hoof,” she said in a warning tone.

I closed my eyes and held it out. I felt her turn it over a few times, tracing it with her fingers.

“The Architect does not always have a physical form, but when he does, he can look like anything, from a speck of quantum foam to a star blazing in the sky. … However, when he appears as a mortal, his right forelimb is always a vibrant red.” I opened my eyes to see her smirking at me. “You never answer prayers,” she said in a teasing tone.

“I genuinely had no idea I was being prayed to. I’m not a god, and I’m not comfortable being treated like one.”

“But you created the universe, didn’t you?”

“Yes, but…” I blew air out my nostrils and sighed. “When you read, you picture the world the story or the event takes place in, yes?” She nodded. “My … picture, my inner world is just outside my head, I don’t know why. I created it, but that doesn’t mean I deserve to be treated as something holy or divine. I’m as flawed as the next creature. A god is a perfect being, I’m just … well, I’ve always liked the term ‘demiurge.’ A creator, but not a god.”

She looked at me with a worried expression. “Are we nothing but a dream of yours then?”

I chuckled and took her hoof in mine. “No. Aleyebraxus, you are an individual. You have your own story, and your own life to live. You have hopes, dreams, goals, fears, worries, and a destiny all your own. Only you can live it, you are unique in the universe. I may have laid a foundation that lead to you being here, but believe me, you are just as real as I am. All my children are to me.”

She slowly relaxed. “That’s … good. You don’t wish to be worshiped.” It wasn’t a question. I shook my head. She sighed. “Well, that puts me out of a job.” She looked at me with interest. “I suppose I can understand that, but … the thought of your existence and guidance gives hope to nearly all of us. It helps to get us through the day. Perhaps I could rework your religion into something you would approve of?”

“You can do that?”

She nodded. “Yes.”

“Well … if I don’t approve, I will raze Gallopfrey with heavenly fire.” I said with a grin.

The Oracle grinned back. “Bold words for one who so insists he’s not a god.”

We both chuckled. I pointed at the murals surrounding us. “How did you know so much about me?”

She grinned smugly. “I’m a Time Lord, and the High Priestess of your faith in the Citadel. I looked you up. Your lesser aspects are … interesting…”

“Lesser aspects?” I asked in a puzzled tone. She pointed to a smaller mural. There were Alexis and Apep, duking it out cartoon style, in the art style of a Roman mosaic. “Oh dear. Guess that means those two are sticking around, huh?” I chuckled and turned back to her. “I agree to your proposition, with my blessing, if you agree to stop spying on me!”

She smiled. “A deal.” We shook hooves on it. “I’m sure you have more universe to create?” she said slyly.

I nodded. “There’s one thing left to make, my magnum opus. No offence,” I added quickly.

“None taken. I’m proud we were here first.”

I sighed. “But, to be honest … I could use a couple of year break. I … sort of lost track of what was real, if that makes any sense.”

“Hmm. You know yourself best. If you don’t mind me asking, what’s your name?”

I sighed. “I don’t think I can use the name I was given, I died, and my world is likely dust by now.” I looked at her. “What do your people call me?”

“Well, your title is ‘Architect,’ but the name we gave you is Weyan’a. It means ‘he who fashioned starlight.’”

“I like that. Thank you. I am sure you will do well.”

She nodded. “Of course I will. Blessings go with you.”

“And with you, Lady Oracle of Gallopfrey.”

I headed out, walking to the edge of the Citadel. I was hoping to head out and finish my work once I was out of sight, but my ear turned as I heard a sound I hadn’t known I’d missed.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-waEo5v-jNM

I followed the notes up to an apartment in a spire of the Citadel. I was busy blocking out everything but the music, letting it transport me. God, I forgot how much I’d loved piano, and the Doctor Who soundtrack. It was slightly ironic that a Time Lord was playing a song from the show, or maybe it was just a bit of heavy leaning on the fourth wall.

I came up the stairs and saw that the door was open. As the song finished the pianist turned out to be a cobalt blue stallion with a wavy black mane and tail, and a musical staff for a cutie mark.

His eyes were closed, but he asked me, “What did you think?”

“Beautiful,” I replied. “Would … would you teach me?”

He chuckled and turned around. “Would you pay?” I nodded. “It takes years to learn.”

“I have time,” I said quickly. “Though I’m not the best student. I get frustrated easily.”

His eyes narrowed. “Would you try to damage my piano?”

“Yes,” I said almost instantly, “if I got angry enough at myself.”

He snickered. “At least you’re an honest stallion. Hmm… I’ll teach you, but you will pay for any damages you incur, and I will adjust my rates if I think you are taking advantage of me.”

“Deal,” I said, sticking my hoof out.

As we shook, his eyes noticed my hoof. “Ah, you’re an acolyte!”

“Hmm?”

“An acolyte, you work at the temple of the Architect.”

I knew to play along. “Yes, I just joined the order. I’m The Wanderer.” It was a fitting name.

“I am The Virtuoso, believe it or not. I’m one of the few Time Lords who didn’t choose my own title. Very well,” he scooted to the end of the bench and motioned for me to sit down. With a smirk he said, “Show me where middle C is, if you’re so keen…”

I looked at the keyboard in panic. Oh, boy…

The Virtuoso chuckled. “Just testing your knowledge. That will be our first lesson. Do you know how to read music?”

“Not well, but enough to sing by,” I said.

“Hmm. Not good, but a passable place to start. Now then, pay attention, and play what I play after me…”

As I took my first piano lesson, part of my mind was planning busily so that I could continue this. I could always ask The Oracle if I could become an acolyte at my own temple, I had a feeling she’d find the thought hysterical.

So. I still had work to do, but … I could take a break, and progress in other ways. Hopefully learn to live again at the same time. Note by clumsy, misplayed note, I began to take my first steps.

Time After Time

View Online

I hadn’t been expecting to stay on Gallopfrey long. A year or two at the most. Instead I wound up spending three. It was an interesting three years. I got to see much more than I had my last ten years as a human.

Perhaps the first year was the most important. I actually was able to get a job as an acolyte at my own temple, which was hysterical. I was put in charge of organizing (and writing) texts of the faith.

The title I’d chosen for myself was The Wanderer, but the Gallopfreyans gave me other titles as well. I seemed to have a direct line of communication with the Architect. If someone brought their prayers to the temple and the information was passed on to me, the prayer would usually be answered. I also had access to information that only the Architect could have known, although I received that information in dreams. My faith was slowly turned into something that placed more emphasis on the individual and doing good to all than a cosmic entity. They called me “The Seer” or “The Prophet,” neither of which I enjoyed, but I couldn’t take them back.

My piano lessons actually went surprisingly well. I was able to play basic pieces by the end of that first year and had a much better understanding of music theory. I made sure to keep on improving my other hobbies as well.

Aleyebraxus was the first friend I’d had in a long time, but she started asking questions right away.

“What was it?”

I turned from the scroll I was busy writing. Circular Gallopfreyan was still a very complicated language, even if you did understand it well enough to read and write. “What was what?”

“Your name. The one you had before you came here.”

I gave an annoyed huff. “That’s my business. It’s one of the only things I took with me, along with my mind and soul.”

“I’ll find it out eventually, so you might as well save me the trouble and tell me now before I embarrass you with it.”

I sighed. “My name is John. It’s the Latinized version of a Hebrew name which means ‘[God] is gracious,’ or ‘graced by [God].’ The actual meaning uses another name for God, but I prefer not to use that name, I don’t want Him any angrier at me than He already is. My surname can mean ‘dark,’ ‘black haired,’ ‘unlucky’ or ‘defiance.’ Names are … a hobby of mine, I believe that names should say what something is.” I turned and glared at her. “I’ve told you mine what does your name mean?”

She chuckled. “Aleyebraxus means ‘One who sees the curve of the universe and interprets it,’ or ‘bright spark,’ usually both. Fitting name for an oracle, isn’t it?” I nodded, trying to go back to my work. “What was your home like?”

“Unbearably hot and fatally polluted,” I said more harshly than I intended. I sighed. “Sorry. It was … good. And bad. Every spring the hills would turn green for a month, and for a week they’d blaze yellow and orange when the wildflowers bloomed. People actually came from miles away to see the poppies. When the sun would set, the sky was lilac, the clouds were peach, and the sun was a cherry dipping below the horizon. You could hike the mountains and swim the sea in the same day if you got up early enough and didn’t stay long. You could talk to trees that were over 2,000 years old. The summer farmer’s markets always had live shows, the fairs were the biggest and the best, and every Christmas they made it fake snow so we could enjoy it. I miss it. A lot. I didn’t think I would. … I don’t like to talk about it. I miss my friends. They were all crazy, but we were crazy together. We all understood, and we knew it was ok to be afraid of your mind. I’m never going to see them again, or play D&D with them, or see the latest superhero movie.

…

That’s what my home was like.”

“Do you have a home here?”

I set my pen down. “No,” I said, realizing that I’d never made myself a permanent place to call home. “I just … Wander,” I said with a grin. “I should build one.”

She grabbed my scroll and rolled it up. “Go. Make a home, I don’t want any arguments. I doubt it will take you long, and your job will still be here when you’re done.”

“You don’t tell me what to do.”

She gave a smug smirk. “You may be the god of this world, but you agreed to work for me, so yes, actually I do.”

I sighed. “I’m not a god. I’ll be back in a day or two. A house should be easier than a planet.”

I stepped off the planet and glanced at the stars. “Right…” I concentrated. A demiplane sprang into existence a step and a half above the universe. I stumbled a bit, that had actually taken a lot of energy, which surprised me. A key on a string appeared in front of me, hanging lazily in front of me.

It was topped with most of a skull before the body and the teeth turned into filigree. It looked like it was made of tarnished silver.

Heh. Skeleton key. Of course. I grabbed it and stuck it into the air in front of me, turning it to the right until I felt it click. A crack of light in the shape of a door opened I pulled the door open and stepped through, not sure what to expect.

A castle hadn’t been high on the list. But when I saw it….

Well. Physics have gone right out the window…

“And why shouldn’t they, they’re so inconvenient!” came a familiar voice. I turned and saw Apep lying on his back in the air, a grin on his muzzle.

Your middle initial wouldn’t happen to be ‘Q,’ would it? My id would have that sort of personality.

I glanced down. The welcome mat read, “GO AWAY!” Well, this is definitely my home, I said with a sigh. Hope it’s not some villainous lair…

Alexis landed on my shoulder, peering at ~~our~~ my new home. “I think you’re good. Can we go inside?”

I nodded and pulled the door open. The inside was brightly lit, for looking like a medieval castle on the outside. There was lots of warm wood and intricate carpets on the floor. Hanging directly opposite the door was a banner that read, “WELCOME TO MY LAIR. ROLL FOR INITIATIVE!”

I wasn’t sure where to go. A chiming sound took me by surprise. I glanced down. Plugged into an outlet by the door was … my phone?!! I picked it up. I have wi-fi here?! I asked in shock. The network name was “Millennial’s Lifeblood,” which made me crack up, since I resembled that remark.

I pulled open my messages and tried to send one to my best friend. “NOT DEAD!!!! Well, ok, dead, but I still exist! Can you tell everyone I’m OK? It’s actually not too hot down here, and once you get used to the smell of brimstone, it’s easy sailing. XD” I hit “Send.” An alarm chimed. An error message on my phone read, “Contact not allowed at this time. Please try again later.” What is that supposed to mean?! I hit “more info.” The message expanded. “Contact with family and associates still living is not permitted. Please wait until the end of time, and your call will be taken by the next available representative, your business is very important to us!”

How could he still be alive? It’s been 5,000 years! Mind you, he said the reason he became an engineer was to build a cyber body and transcend the limitations of the human form. Or, the more logical thought is that time works very differently here. I wonder how long I’ve been dead. Ten years? A year? A month? A day? Am I going to wake up in the ambulance in a day or two? Not being dead would be great, but if I am dead, I’d rather finish my work…

“Boss! You’ve gotta come see this!” came Apep’s voice.

Of course they ran off without me, I chuckled. Huh. Why does my voice sound different if I’m not pretending to be mortal? Eh, doesn’t matter. I followed the sounds of Apep and Alexis, and my jaw dropped when I stepped through the door. OK, that’s just showing off!

I had a library. An enormous library! As in Barnes and Noble big. There had to be thousands of books in there. It would take me years to read them all. I had no idea where they even came from, but it was one of the most beautiful sights I’d seen.

I yelped when someone leaned on top of my head. I was human shaped at the moment, not pony shaped, which meant I was 6-ish feet tall if I stood up straight. So, for someone to comfortably lean on me…

I glanced up. Apep smiled and began running his fingers through my hair. I swatted him away and wriggled out from under him. He had to be eight feet tall! My, how you’ve grown!

Apep chuckled, “Yeah, being Bite-Sized all the time isn’t fun, and here we can let our hair down, so to speak.”

For being my Id, you’re being pretty … kind? Chill?

“Eh, I want your happiness, I just go about it in ways that ‘aren’t socially acceptable,’” he said with an eye roll.

“I found something I think you’ll like!” came Alexis’s voice from another room. We quickly followed.

I hadn’t noticed it, but each room had a small plaque next to the door that said what each room was. This room was labeled “Knitting Room.” The room was very nice, it had a couple of couches, a fireplace against one wall, and a TV with a shelf full of DVDs. “Nice!” I said.

“Oh, that’s not what I’m talking about!” said Alexis in a smug voice. He was also full sized and was holding open a door built into the wall by the couches. I headed in. The room was all shelves, each shelf full of cubbyholes filled with yarn. My entire apartment would have fit in this room about 3 times. There had to be a hundred thousand skeins of yarn in here, in every color and pattern you could imagine. It was organized by color even! It was beautiful!

Wow! Man, I’m not going to have to go to the yarn store for almost a month! I began to examine my stash. Hanging along one wall were knitting needles in various sizes. Let’s see … I’ve got cobalt and fuchsia aplenty, every color they have in a store, size eight needles I’ve got … twenty … but … who cares? No big deal! 🎶I WAAANNNNTTT MOOOOOREEEE!!!🎶 I realized I was bursting into a parody song and clamped my mouth shut. The feeling went away.

I nearly jumped out of my skin when I heard music blasting.

I followed my ears until I saw Apep and Alexis both jamming to a song together. It was one of my favorite songs, but it was an odd song for two guys to dance to, given the context…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FgaAjBw14sg

As soon as the first run-through of the chorus came on, they both burst into song, each grinning at the other.

When they were done, I said, Wow. You both have really nice voices!

“Thanks Boss!” Apep said with a grin. Alexis shrugged modestly.

I chuckled. Why do I have the feeling you two are going to become some sort of couple?

Their mouths dropped open. They looked at each other. They looked at me. They looked back at each other, they looked back with me. In unison they shouted, “WITH THAT GUY?!!!” in outrage.

Touché, I muttered.

There was a lot more castle to explore, and at one point I felt like I was being turned inside out as the floor became the ceiling and vice versa. Thankfully my body adjusted to the sudden flip in gravity. It’s nowhere near chaotic enough, but Discord would love parts of this! Huh. I paused. I wonder how he’s going to show up. Do I create him? As a personification, does he just appear one day? I refuse to have a MLP ‘verse without my favorite character… I’ll figure that out later…

I didn’t see the whole castle that first night. It seemed to be bigger on the inside. Each room was bigger on the inside. Considering that from the outside it was an enormous bloody CASTLE that was saying something! There were two last stops I made.

The first was labeled “O&O chamber of ceremonies.” OK, what’s…? I opened the door. Oh, holy fudge biscuits, YES!!! I cheered. It was a circular room made of dark grey stone. In the center of the room was a stone table surrounded by 12 high back stone chairs with cushions. It looked a lot like the friendship map, honestly. Torches lined the walls, burning with a harmless magical fire. Banners dangled from the ceiling, each showing the symbol for a class from D&D (or in this case Ogres and Oubliettes) along with the name under the symbol. Most of the ceiling was a glass dome that showed a night sky, even though it was still daylight outside. There was a vending machine filled with free snacks, and a small bookshelf. The books were the O&O Player’s Handbook, the Dungeon Master’s Guide, the Monster Manual, and a few thin binders filled with character sheets and stats for monsters. There were also rolled up map sheets and whiteboard markers and erasers.

On top of the bookcase was a small chest labeled “Miniatures.” I pulled it open. Huh. These look like … Spike, Big Mac, Discord, Thorax, and … Sombra?! That can’t be right. On the chair that looked like the head of the table was a grey hat that looked like Gandalf’s, with the letters “DM” stitched in in blue thread. This is so cool!!!

Behind the chair was a large chest with the word “Dice” in gold letters set into the lid. I pulled it open. Holy buck!!! I swore. The chest had teeth. And a tongue. Six beady orange eyes opened and stared at me.

“Language!” The chest … no … the mimic snapped. I glanced down. He...? was actually labeled correctly. Sitting in the mimic’s “mouth” were 45 sets of dice. He sighed wearily. “Look, I’m not going to eat you! Although, if you throw the odd bit of salmon my way, I’d be most appreciative.”

Duly noted. I’ll set a note to remind myself. Do … do you have a name?

The mimic closed his eyes and seemed to grimace. “Chester,” he muttered.

Ouch!

“Yeah, not my pick of name,” Chester grumbled.

Sorry, that’s probably my fault. I’m overly fond of bad puns. I always wanted a pet mimic, provided it wouldn’t eat my friends … How often do you have to eat?

“Just once a month,” Chester said casually. “We tend to sit in one place for long and wait for prey to come by, so we’re used to not eating often.”

Deal. I held out my hand, Chester extended a pseudopod, and we shook. Will you be ok in here? O&O won’t be invented for a long time, and that’s assuming I bring friends over. I don’t want you to just sit here for thousands of years.

“Mimics tend to hibernate until something tasty wanders by. I’ll be good, I just want to be fed, and talked to. Maybe you could leave some books? I’m technically a sort of prop anyway.”

I’ll bring the books. It was nice to meet you!

“Catch you later!” Chester called.

The very last room was my bedroom. Of course it’s a Slytherin dormitory, I muttered.

Still really nice! I walked over to the window and glanced out. The view outside was the bottom of a lake with kelp waving in the currents. Schools of fish darted in and out. Hope there aren’t Merpeople out there, I get dressed in this room! The bed was wide enough to fit about four people, but … Why is it so short? I could have gotten into it with ease if I was 3 feet tall and quadrupedal. I facepalmed. It’s designed for a pony, John. I shifted into an earth pony and flopped into bed. Mmm... comfortable, I said happily. I glanced around. You could fit 4 ponies on this thing! Considering that this whole place was designed perfectly for me, I hope that’s not a subconscious wish to bring somepony home… Why is some of this place pony height and some human height? Beats me…

Apep and Alexis walked into the room, having finished exploring.
How’d it go?

“Good! I think you’ll like living here.”

“Eh, could do with a few more bells and whistles,” Apep muttered.

I thought about it. I haven’t slept in almost 5,000 years, but … a night’s rest sounds good. I could probably will myself to sleep. Hopefully I won’t have nightmares. Do you guys have somewhere to sleep?

Apep shrugged. “Nah, I think we just go back into that demented brain of yours. Night boss, sleep well!”

“Night!”’ Alexis called. The two disappeared.

I shifted back into human form and got under the snake emblazoned green sheets and glanced at the carvings of snakes on the four posters of the bed. Was Salazar Slytherin compensating for something? Or was a snake his first and only friend? I concentrated, feeling sleepy already. Guess we’ll never know. Hope the Harry Trotter series actually exists… at that point I passed out.

I woke up very early, feeling abnormally hot. I was also being tickled by … fur? What felt like arms were wrapped around me. I opened my eyes to find fully grown Apep and Alexis … cuddling with me. OK, not thinking about the implications of cuddling with my conscience… I thought. Freud would have a field day. I slowly tried to sit up. Without waking up they both yanked me back down. At least they didn’t snore. I wonder why I’m in the middle. Well, shoulder angel and devil, makes sense they’d be on either side of me. I teleported out from between them. Apep moved closer to Alexis and started to spoon with him. I got my phone and snapped a picture. I couldn’t help it; they were so cute! I didn’t see wolves cuddling every day. Besides, the picture would make excellent blackmail material. Welp. I’m already shipping those two in my head, even though I’m sure they’d hate the thought.

Not sure what to do, I wandered the halls, finding a door marked “Kitchen.” I opened it. Eh, a little too high-end for me, but this’ll work. I’ve got my dream house and no one to share it with, I sighed. I opened the fridge to find what was in it. I found bacon and eggs, and my eyes lit up, over the bacon, not the eggs. I started making enough for 3. About the time I was scrambling the eggs, I heard two people screaming in horror. I cackled deviously. When I dished the meal up, Apep and Alexis walked in. Apep was trying unsuccessfully to comb his fur with his fingers.

Sleep well? I asked, radiating innocence.

“I don’t want to talk about it!” Apep snapped.

I passed them their plates, and they began to wolf down their food, pun heavily intended. I opened the fridge again and saw something I missed.

Alexis hadn’t seen it, but as my conscience he could read my mind, and snapped, “You are not eating cake for breakfast!”

Is it all right if I have it for second breakfast? Alexis facepalmed but didn’t verbally reply. That’s not a “no.” I said smugly. When we were done, I said, Right. I’d better head back to Gallopfrey if I want to keep my job. When we were all done, I quickly washed the dishes, bid Chester Goodbye, locked the door behind me, and wound up back on Gallopfrey in the body I’d left in.

I walked back into the temple and asked, “It hasn’t been a thousand years, has it?”

Aleyebraxus looked at me in confusion. “It’s been one day. Why, what were you expecting?”

“Not important.”

“Right. Well, for missing work, you can scrub all the candlewax off the alters.”

“You told me to go!”

“Yes, but somebody’s got to do it.”

Aleyebraxus, don’t you dare-!

She smirked. “Your ‘god voice’ doesn’t scare me.”

I sighed. I’ll go get a bucket and some rags.

“Good foal.” I tried to subtly smite her, but only wound up with a spark of static electricity in her mane.

I was rather shocked when the Lord President walked into the temple, eyeing it skeptically. He had never struck me as a particularly religious stallion, and if he was it certainly wouldn’t be something as pedestrian as worshiping me. I was on “door duty” for what was entirely an accident. I never would have guessed that ink could stain that badly.

The Lord President was currently a tall, imposing green stallion in his physical and mental prime. His cutie mark was his seal, if that was telling enough. I got the feeling if he could have gotten away with it, he’d be sneering at me.

“Yes sir?”

“I wish to speak to the Architect.”

“Pardon?”

“I’m not repeating myself. Go pray or whatever you do to get his attention and come get me when he’s ready. I’ve got all day if that’s what it takes,” he said with a nasty grin.

I plastered on a smile I’ve been told is perfected after years of working in customer service and said. “Certainly sir, if you’ll just go into the main chamber? I’ll let him know to expect you.”

He nodded. When he got to the chamber his jaw dropped. I may have overdone it, but I wasn’t going to let him be condescending to the being he thought was his god.

I was currently a Draconequus, funnily enough. It seemed appropriate, given that I’d had six seconds to pick a form. Frankly I made Discord look tame.

My fur was white, I had six arms (the paws on the arms on the right were red), and I had 2 oryx antlers and a curved black horn like a Changeling’s. My eyes didn’t have pupils, irises, or sclera, they were just a section of night sky. Probably not the sky of this planet. I had a fang jutting out of either side of my mouth, and my lower half was a lion. Not just having a lion’s legs, it was actually a lion, like a centaur or a wemic. The halo radiating out from my face was overdoing it. I was also knitting 3 things at once because I was pissed at him, and it would keep me from strangling him.

Yes? I boomed. He threw himself on the ground. Oh, stop groveling! I can’t stand people groveling. If I wanted you to grovel, I’d tell you. He shakily straightened up. My eyes narrowed. What are you doing now?

“I – I’m averting my eyes, my lord.”

It took me a minute to remember that even as an acolyte, I was Lord Wanderer, so it was a less formal title than I’d thought it was. Well DON’T. I want to see your face when we talk, not the top of your head. That’s better. What may I do for you today, my Lord President?

“I have questions…”

I might not have answers but ask away.

“What is the purpose of the Time Lords?”

Firstly, to live your lives as you see fit. You’re people, not pieces in some cosmic chess game. I’m horrible at chess anyway, and I refuse to see people as pawns. There is a reason I created you though. You have the power to observe all of time and space, and if necessary, protect it. I can’t do that on my own. I can barely manage one planet.

The President stared at me in shock. “Aren’t you the being who created the universe?”

Eeyup.

“But you can’t actually manage it?!!!”

Nope, I muttered. I can’t be everywhere at once. My powers are a lot more limited than you’d think. Creation and reality warping do not Godhood make. If people insist on seeing me as a god, I’d rather be a good god than an Olympian or someone who pulls the wings off of flies –

“‘Olympian?’” the President said, trying out the unfamiliar word.

Not important. I sighed. Anyway, I created an entire universe, but even I don’t know everything that’s in it. I decided to surprise myself, and make something that you could explore. I’d like the Timelords to be its guardians, if you are willing. It’s a big responsibility, and not one I’d hand over to just anyone.

“If you want us to keep an eye on everything, we’ll need a way to see it.”

I grinned, showing off rows of sharp teeth. Tell me, have you ever heard of a T.A.R.D.I.S.?

I spent the next hour telling the President everything I knew about TARDISes, even sharing memories and drawing up rough schematics. I’m not an engineer and I only knew so much from the show, but I was able to help the President figure out the basics well enough that the Time Lords would have been able to grow TARDISes within a year. I felt proud of myself for contributing the idea.

As we were wrapping up, I said, My Lord? He nodded. You should treat those beneath you with more compassion, your people will need a great leader to guide them through this step in your history. Don’t look down on others, reach out to help them up. I need to go figure out how to safely build a black hole for this thing to work. My Lord Wanderer will keep me informed of your progress. Many moments to thee.

I disappeared in a flash of light, reappearing as Wanderer bent over my books in time to see the President walk back out into the main chambers. He walked out looking thoughtful. He spotted me and headed over.

“How did it go?”

“I asked you if I could talk to god, and less than a minute later, he showed up. Ever since you arrived, prayers have been answered, and we’re even more prosperous than ever. What are you? You don’t have a timeline. I checked. That’s impossible.”

I hadn’t wanted the Time Lords to spy on me, and I didn’t want my future spoiled. Should have figured that would apply to my aliases as well.

The President was glaring at me. “You are either a genuine prophet or an incredibly talented conpony. Which is it?”

“Would you believe me if I said it was a bit of both?” He seemed to take that as an answer.

He glanced at my hoof and raised a brow. He suddenly grabbed it and started rubbing at it with his fingers. When nothing happened, his eyes widened in horror and his face grew paler under his fur. “That’s not paint….”

I grinned at him like a cat looking at a king. He actually ran out of the room. Huh. It’s not like I said anything!

That last year on Gallopfrey influenced the rest of my life. TARDISes had been successfully grown, flown, and upgraded. The tried and true Type 40 was being drawn up already.

It was like an itch I couldn’t ignore, and it just grew and grew until it was an all-consuming urge. I couldn’t focus on my job, my hobbies, nothing. I fought it as best I could, I knew that it could cause more problems than I could think of, but ….

Finally, I just threw the pen down. “It’s one trip,” I muttered. “I’ll be careful. Besides, I’ll be right back.”

I crept down to where they stored the TARDISes, admiring the sliver cylinders. I picked one at random. The door wasn’t even locked! I walked in. The Console Room was set to “Basic,”’ but I wasn’t planning on staying long enough to redecorate.

I knew the basics well enough that I could fly a TARDIS, but if you want to get the best flight you can …

I looked around and cleared my throat. Can you hear me? To my surprise, the console chimed in response. I grinned. Awesome. I know you’ve got an index of all of space and time … I don’t want to mess with the past, anyway there’s not much past to mess with, but … I’m dying to see the future. Just to know what I can look forward to. Even if it’s a future, and not the future. I cleared my throat. Sorry, I’m rambling. I’d like to see …. Canterlot. Equestria, Equis …. Five years before Nightmare Moon’s return. Or wherever it is I need to go instead of where I want to go, I said with a grin. I understand that’s how it works sometimes.

A large switch on the console flipped itself and the TARDIS started up. There wasn’t the usual wheezing sound, but that’s because I hadn’t left the parking brake on. The room shuddered and swayed and suddenly stopped. I glanced at the door. We’re here? The TARDIS made the same “affirmative” chime. That was fast. The TARDIS seemed to radiate smugness. Yes, yes, you’re brilliant, I know! Thank you!

I stepped outside the door and glanced back. The door was hidden behind the flap of a purple tent with gold stars and a crescent moon on the top. Above the door were the words, “Madame Rosthberg, Fortunes Told.”

“A fortuneteller’s tent in the middle of the park,” I sighed. “Nice to know my way back is completely inconspicuous.” The TARDIS made a sound I’m pretty sure translated as laughter.

I stepped into the city, amazed at what I saw. Ponies of every shape, size, and color walked the streets, along with griffons, zebras, and even a minotaur. One of the guards tipped his hat at me and I waved back.

I stepped into the street and heard a horn blaring. I stepped back onto the sidewalk as a car raced past. I felt the bottom drop out of my world. “That’s a car,” I said, unsure if I’d seen correctly.

A ringing sound caught my attention, and I turned to watch a griffon speak into an earpiece. “Yes? What?! No, no, no! Don’t invest in them, they’ll be closed before the month’s out!” He continued his business rant as he walked past.

My jaw had dropped open. “That’s a griffon. On a cellphone. Via Bluetooth,” I said, feeling stupid.

I was so busy staring at the ways the city was different from what I’d seen in the show that I didn’t see the stallion until I’d crashed into him.

We were both knocked back onto our hindquarters, rubbing our heads. “I am so sorry! I wasn’t paying attention to …” My voice trailed off.

The stallion was staring at me in shock, and then in recognition. He was an earth pony, the same red as my hoof, with blue eyes and a brown mane. He was wearing a very familiar pair of glasses and had a set of potion flasks for a cutie mark. He grinned sheepishly. Well, this is hockward, he said in my voice.

That joke’s pretty untimely, I replied. I helped … me … up to his hooves. We circled each other.

“So that’s what my mane looks like from the back!” he said in amazement.

“You look like a teacher,” I said uncertainly.

“Spoilers,” he said with a grin.

I shook my head. “What are the odds I’d go time traveling and wind up crashing into myself?”

“You’d have to ask the TARDIS.”

“Mind if I ask what my current alias is?”

“Maroon Flask,” I replied. “It’s surprisingly workable as a pony name.”

I gestured at the city around us. “This is not what I was expecting! It’s … I don’t know…”

“Too modern?” future me said with a grin. “It was a surprise, but it’s not that bad in all honesty. Don’t try to change anything, I like things the way they are now. Just let things happen on their own. Anyway, we’ve reached the point in the conversation where I say you shouldn’t explore too much, so you should probably hop back into the TARDIS and head back. Interfering with the future, you know.”

“Of course I remember this conversation perfectly,” I said with an eye roll.

“Yeah, perfect memory isn’t as fun as it sounds. Best of luck. Be you in … oh, about five billion years. Have fun!”

“Couldn’t I just see a bit more?”

“NO. Trust me, it’s for the best.”

I sighed. “All right, all right. Try not to get hit by a car!”

“What’s it going to do, kill me?” he said with a grin.

I growled, “Still too soon.” I headed back to the TARDIS.

Nice to see I can still take a joke too far, I muttered as I headed in. Right, we’d better head ho-

The room shook again as the TARDIS took off again. At least let me finish the sentence!

When we landed the TARDIS shifted its internal gravity so that I would up falling out the door. What the-? HEY! Wooooaahhhh!!!

I landed facedown in snow. The door slammed shut behind me. I sat up, shivered, and saw that the Chameleon Circuit had turned the TARDIS exterior into a boulder that bore an uncanny resemblance to Tom. I tried to find the door but couldn’t. Open up! I only got silence.

Right, I take it there’s something here I’m supposed to see? A faint chime of “Yes.” Alrighty then.

I stepped out, shivered again, and conjured up a scarf. I was in a Time Lord body, and I liked it cold, but even I drew the line at “blizzard.”

I grumbled and tried and failed to see more than 3 feet in front of me. Point me, I snarled, casting a simple direction spell to see where I was supposed to go. A faint blue line appeared in front of me, stretching forward into the snow. I followed it, trying to keep my face from freezing.

I finally came to what looked like a city in a bubble. Oh, it’s the Crystal Empire. I hope they have hot chocolate. Bloody thing couldn’t have set me down inside the city?!

I was surprised to find the entry to the city wasn’t guarded. Huh. Guess they just let ponies walk in. Either that or I’ll be on the business end of several spears in a minute… I said wearily. I stepped through, the snow on my coat melting away instantly. I let out a blissful sigh at the sudden warmth. Only I could see it, but the “Point me” spell led further into the city and around a few side streets.

Not sure what to expect, I was surprised when it suddenly stopped. I was on a small hill overlooking a park. Well, “overlooking” wasn’t the right term, my view was blocked by bushes. “What I am supposed to see here?” I made sure my voice was normal.

I was startled by music, a synth song I hadn’t heard before. About a minute into the song, a voice said, “You still dance like the Prince!” before laughing hysterically.

“Oh yeah?” came the reply. “Let’s see you do better, your Highness.” After 30 seconds the second voice said, “Wow, I had no idea you could break dance. I’m impressed. Thanks. Would you excuse me?”

“What’s up?”

I know that voice, I thought, but why?

“An old friend of mine just dropped into town and I want to take him to lunch. I’ll be home in time for dinner.”

The voices parted ways. I parted the bushes to try and see who the amazing dancer was. All I got a glimpse of was a grey flank with a black tail. Darn it. I could have sworn I’d met that stallion somewhere. Probably saw him on the show. Maybe I should follow and-

I jumped as a voice said, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you, it would lead to all sorts of complications and possibly blow a hole in the universe. Time travel’s funny that way.”

I turned and saw Maroon Flask, grinning at me. “Hello gorgeous,” he said teasingly, “Listen, we’ve got to stop meeting like this!”

I tried to slow down my hearts. “I really don’t make any noise when I walk,” I muttered. I’d heard that my whole life, and it turned out to be true.

Maroon shrugged. “Sorry. Mind if we grab a burger? I seem to recall I hadn’t eaten that day…”

I nodded. He led me through the city to a diner that smelled amazing. Once we got to the counter, he quickly rattled off, “Two triple-bacon burgers and an order of garlic fries.”

We sat down in a booth and tore into our food. “Mmm, this is amazing!” I said around a mouthful of food.

“Yeah, ponies are surprisingly good at preparing meat in this universe. It’s not made from anything sapient,” Maroon said quickly. “You don’t have to worry about cupcakes made of pegasus, but pigs, chickens, and fish are all good sources of meat. Since they’re ponies it’s sustainably harvested and everything.”

“Who were you … who was I having a dance fight with?”

“Just someone I helped out,” Maroon said with a grin. “I refuse to spoil any more than that. We’re good friends, which will surprise me. Are you going to eat that?” I drew the plate back and hissed at him. “I just thought I should ask…”

As Maroon walked me back to the gate of the Empire he said, “So, not everything is the way that I expected it to turn out, but I give me my word that it turns out for the best. Oh. I need to learn to lie at some point. Just saying. Best of luck!”

I headed back to the TARDIS; pretty sure I’d left frozen chunks of my tail behind. Right, I growled, No more surprises. The TARDIS chimed in a way that seemed apologetic.

When the doors opened back up on Gallopfrey I was met by the President and three of the Citadel Guard, all of whom were glaring murderously at me. “Whoops.”

“YOU STOLE A TARDIS!!!” the President shouted, spit flying from his mouth.

“Borrowed, borrowed a TARDIS, which I immediately brought back! I didn’t change anything, I just watched!”

The President jabbed a hoof into my chest. “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA OF THE KIND OF REPERCUSSIONS YOU COULD HAVE CAUSED?!!! YOU COULD HAVE ALTERED THE ENTIRE TIMESTREAM!!!” He sighed, somehow calming himself down instantly. “As soon as you left, I checked, and by some inane miracle, you didn’t alter the future.”

“Inane miracles are sort of what I do,” I said apologetically.

“Silence,” he hissed. I quickly shut up. “I will be reporting your activities to the Council, to the Oracle, and to the Guard. You will not be allowed within 40 feet of a TARDIS until I deem it safe for you to travel. But before anyone else chews you out…” he passed me a scroll and pen. “I want a detailed report of everything you saw. Congratulations, you’re the first of us to travel so far into the future. Keep in mind that doesn’t mean you’re in any less trouble… I’ll. Be. Watching.”

I nodded, took the pen, and headed to the temple to begin my homework. I sighed. “Well, I’m grounded for the next year. Totally worth it,” I said with a happy grin.

"You're next of kin to Chaos..."

View Online

There are two versions of why I left Gallopfrey a year later, and both are true. In one version, I had seen life was slowly beginning to flourish in the rest of the universe, I knew the Time Lords didn’t need me holding their hooves anymore, and I wanted to create my “final project.” In the other version, the Time Lords politely kicked me off the planet before I caused any more trouble. Like I said, two sides, same story.

In the end, it didn’t really matter, and I wasn’t upset enough to hold a grudge. I moved on to finally making Equestria proper.

I found a quiet spot in a medium-sized spiral galaxy and decided that this was as good a place as any. Creating planets was easier now, things do improve with practice. The basic foundation only took a day, before I added a small moon and sun that orbited the planet a bit like 2 electrons. The orbit was complicated, but stable, I couldn’t figure out why the Princesses had been required to raise the sun and moon in the show, here they happened automatically.

I added oceans and shaped continents. The next day I was filling the planet with basic life; fish, ferns, etc. when I felt a huge sneeze welling up, which was unusual because I didn’t have a body at that moment. I sneezed loudly enough to shake the planet and heard a cracking sound. I watched in a mix of fascination and alarm as time on the planet sped up. Like watching a time lapse video, life evolved on its own at an astonishing speed, culminating in various species of giant lizards that roamed the land, sky, and sea. The temporal stress finally caught up, and all of them collapsed into piles of bones which were buried under layers of earth and rock. All of this happened in less than an hour. So … if you ever want to know what killed off the dinosaurs, … I did. By sneezing hard enough to fracture time.

Whoops…

Luckily that was the only effect, 100 million years squeezed into an hour. It was only on Equis, so it could have been worse. The planet could have cracked in half or something.

I sighed and got back to work. I was able to recall the maps of Equis I’d seen on the internet and decided to just stick with it. Mostly. I was already plagiarizing. The maps I’d seen were pretty basic, and I’d heard references to real-world countries in fanfictions, so I added a few more continents in the right places and hoped for the best. It had gotten me through so far.

Once the land and seas were done, I moved onto life. To made it made more sense to start with basic life such as plants, then move on to non-sapient animals, and finally sapient, dominate species. There was a lot of life on Equis, more than on Gallopfrey, that’s for sure. Plants weren’t too hard, and common animals were OK, since most of them were based on Earth animals. Spiders were fine, but Flyders? No. Way. Next were fantastic beasts and monsters. I’d loved mythology since I was about 9, so creating a world that had almost all the beasts I’d loved was exciting. Finally, I created the staggering number of sapient species.

OK … I had a mental checklist, but I was pretty sure I’d forgotten things. In no particular order … Yaks, Minotaurs, Breezies, Zebras, Ahuizotls, Centaurs, Gargoyles, Chimeras, Gryphons, Catfolk, Kirins, Houndfolk, Jackalfolk, Seaponies, Hippogryphs, Dragons, Deer, Buffalo, … I think that’s it… Maybe goats?

I knew I hadn’t made Draconequui since I wasn’t sure of Discord’s origins yet, I was saving Windigos for only if I had to use them, and while I hadn’t directly created Changelings, I’d planted a tree they would spring from, like in the MLP comics. I also hadn’t made cows sapient, since that was a little weird to me. I still saw them as food, if I’m honest. I sat back and looked at the planet and all the work I’d put into it. I’d done it! I’d created Equis!

AND ON THE TWELFTH DAY, HE RETURNED TO HIS CASTLE AND COLLAPSED IN EXHAUSTION.

I wanted to explore every aspect of the new world I created, but … it would need to have existed for more than a week. I figured 50 years should give everybody enough time to figure out their places, and hopefully not be eaten. After ten I peeked. My creations were not faring well. I sighed and located the largest gathering of ponies, since they were the most numerous species.

I manifested in a beam of light appearing as a spider pony on a whim to set me apart from everypony else and passed them a burning torch. In Truly Ancient Ponish, I said, Look, I’m probably going to get in trouble for this, but this is a truly useful tool. Don’t let the wolves eat you, and don’t eat your meat raw anymore. Here’s how you make it, I said, demonstrating how to make fire out of rocks, do you see how it works? They nodded. Here, let me show you how to cook and flavor meat and vegetables…

I spent twenty years with the tribe, showing them the basics of civilization: how to cook, primitive medicine, how to write, making homes out of mud and straw, the wheel, making basic laws, bartering, making basic tools, the basics of farming, all of it. Once they’d stopped hitting each other over the head with rocks, I moved on to the rest of the races, appearing to each of them as a member of their species. More or less. I will admit a prejudice to favoring ponies, but I wanted ALL of my “Children” to succeed. Within 150 years Equis was out of the Stone Age into the Bronze Age.

Alexis manifested on my shoulder. “Has anybody EVER told you that patience is a virtue?”

I didn’t want them to die! I grumbled. Anyway, since you’re my conscience, you should know I can’t not interfere.

Alexis sighed wearily. “At this rate they’ll have Starships in a hundred years…”

“That’d be awesome!” said Apep with an excited grin. Alexis shot him a dirty look.

Just out of curiosity … what happened to my old conscience? The goth kid with the yellow eyes. I liked him.

“He’s probably on a beach somewhere,” Alexis said with a shrug.

“You don’t like us?” Apep said giving me brokenhearted puppy-dog eyes.

I’m getting used to you, which for me means “Yes.” Apep did a victory fist-pump. Oy, vey, you two are worse than I am!

Although I’d technically kickstarted civilization, there hadn’t been too much genuine interaction with the races of Equis. Language hadn’t really been developed yet, when I spoke, they understood the meaning, not the words. It had mostly been me showing them how to do things.

The first conversation I had that stood out to me took place about 900 years later in what would come to be known as Ancient Anugypt. I was watching the Pyramids being built. Here, they magically levitated the stones into place, although it took a minimum of seven casters per stone. I was disguised as a grey Catfolk. I’m a cat person, it was made for me.

I wandered the streets until I came to a dusty temple with various creatures entering and exiting. Over the door was a depiction of a black spider. With a feeling of Déjà vu and Réjà vu (from Discworld, literally means “I am going to be here again.” Normally experienced in the case of temporal loops.) I entered the temple. A lower priest held out a small box and said, “A small contribution is appreciated.” I placed a few coins in the box. He looked in. “Not that small,” he growled. Never tick off an anthropomorphic jackal if you look like one of their enemies.

“Sorry,” I said, placing the rest of my money in. “Don’t we pay taxes to keep the temples in business?”

He sighed wearily. “We’re not a full theocracy, and have you ever tried to get funds out of a government?”

“I’ve heard it’s a nightmare.”

“You have no idea.”

“Whose temple is this?” Yep, definite déjà vu.

“The Weaver,” he replied smoothly. “The great Spider who wove the universe together. In the Beginning he fashioned the thread of creation from his own mind and created an intricate Web binding all things together. Each of us are connected one to the other by the strands of the Web. He once appeared to the Ponyfolk as a cross between them and his true form and gave them the secrets of civilization before giving them to the rest of the creatures of this world.”

He pulled me further into the temple and there was a polished black stone statue of a giant spider hovering over the world protectively. The map of the known world was very accurate, for the amount of information available then, it was even a globe! The end of the right foremost leg was a cherry red. I quickly hid my paw.

“Is the Weaver … benevolent? Malevolent?”

“Mostly benevolent, as far as we can tell.”

“That’s good.” Huh. So, they see me as a giant spider. I guess it could be worse. They could see me as a Gibbering Mouther or something, I thought, shuddering at the image. Funny how the things you love can scar you …

I asked, “Could I pay for this statue? Not to take it home with me, just to reimburse the cost. It’s good workmanship, I might commission something from the artist, if you can give me their name.”

The priest raised a skeptic eyebrow. “You didn’t want to donate more than ₻3, and you’re somehow able to pay for 2 statues from the kingdom’s finest artist?”

“Money isn’t that much of a problem, I just don’t carry it around with me very often.”

He gave a snort. “Velaz, in the stonemason’s guild. He’s the current Master, we were lucky to get something from him. You are … very strange…”

“So I’ve been told. Thank you.”

True to my word, the next day I dropped by the temple again to pay them for the cost of the statue. I nearly fainted when I got the papyrus with the cost, but payed anyway. I was curious to see what other work Velaz did, so I dropped by his workshop. Even with being able to make it rain money I didn’t want to pay quite that much for a statue, but, luckily, he had small lower quality amulets that were more reasonably priced. I got an amulet with the image of the Weaver said to protect the wearer from evil.

I appeared in the middle of the desert and sighed, holding up the amulet. I’m not comfortable with being seen like this, I muttered, I’m not what they think I am! I mean … strange voices inhabiting Voids distributing superpowers is no basis for a claim to Godhood. Genuine Supreme Power has to be granted by a God to a mortal who’s earned it, not some out of body encounter! If I went around saying, “I AM YOUR GOD, BOW TO ME!” just because some smug hallucination bumped my stats up, they’d turn me back into a human!

The wind whipped up around me, and there was the sound of laughter. ‘Smug hallucination,’ eh? You’re lucky I like you, or I might be offended. I could turn you back into a human, life and death aren’t static, but I’m enjoying this too much.

I glanced all around to find the source of the voice, but there was only the sky, wind, and sand. Where are you?

Everywhere. I could hear the shrug in the tone of voice.

Who are you?

That’s mine to know and yours to find out. Best of luck! I’m going to need some more popcorn… You’re very … amewsing … I could picture the sadistic grin of joy that only comes from a bad pun. You’re going to be clawsome, kitten. Trust me, I know…

Whatever it was, it was gone again, but … I felt strangely comforted.

I sighed and went back to wandering the world.

43 years later I walked into my Castle and slammed the door closed. I was covered in something that looked like thick ink and breathing heavily. I dropped something to the floor, where it clattered metallically. I gave a demented laugh. I knew I forgot something … God, they were worse than I could have imagined …

In my other hand I was holding a large can. You are NEVER getting out of there, I snarled at it. I’m putting you somewhere where no one will ever find you, and where there’s nothing you could use as food. You’re not going in some temple for an adventurer to find in a thousand years. … You’re going to STARVE!!! I screamed.

Once I’d made sure it was safely locked away, Alexis and Apep popped onto my shoulders, looking nervous.

“You OK, boss?” Apep asked.

I’M GREAT! WHY WOULDN’T I BE?!!!

“Because you just k-”

“Shut up!” Alexis hissed. He looked at me. “You did what you had to do,” he said softly.

Oh, that makes it so much better. If you use the words “greater good,” I will swat you.

“You can’t undo it, so try to make peace with yourself.”

“What he said,” Apep said. “You didn’t listen to me too much, so that’s good. What?” he said, catching Alexis’s expression, “He’d have gone too far.”

I need a shower. Preferably starting at my marrow and working out.

It took me almost three years to stop having nightmares.

One day I was wandering the largest city in what would become Equestria when I saw a large gathering of ponies. It was before dawn. Everypony was chattering excitedly. On a large stage in the center of town was a group of 7 unicorns. Their horns suddenly lit up and to my shock the sun raised. I hadn’t been paying attention to the sun and moon’s orbit. When I inquired later, unicorns had been raising the sun and the moon for about ten years. The assembled ponies cheered wildly.

My mouth practically opened itself as I said, “Uh … you do know the sun and moon can raise themselves, right?”

The crowd went deathly silent as they all swiveled around to look at me. Finally, a pony near the back shouted. “Blasphemy!”

“Heretic!” shouted a mare.

Oh, for my sake, I muttered, disappearing quickly.

Safe in the desert, I grumbled, You keep forcing the sun and moon up every day, soon they won’t be able to raise themselves, and you’ll have to do it forever. But if that allows you to keep your image as the Master Race, don’t let me stop you. I just created them. Jerks.

I sighed. Guess we’ll need some Alicorns in a couple of centuries…

I was a market in pre-Equestria. Ponies were trading, but …

“Stay away from my daughter, Dirt Pony!” A pegasus snapped.

“I wasn’t anywhere near her, Featherfur!” the earth pony replied.

I sighed. Ah, racism. How I haven’t missed you, I thought wearily. The Three Tribes all distrusted each other at best, with each claiming that the other two were hogging the best of what they had for themselves. I was trying to buy ingredients for one of my favorite soups. I’d made the mistake of looking like a Zebra. Ponies and Zebras weren’t used to each other, which at this point in history meant they loathed me on sight. I’d been to six stalls looking for onions, and they were mysteriously out, or didn’t serve my kind at that stall.

I was getting ready to break. It wouldn’t take much. The unicorn running the vegetable stall I was trying glared at me. “Do you even have magic? You aren’t an Equestrian.”

My teeth were hurting from grinding together so much. “Yes, just a different kind. What on Equis does that have to do with buying potatoes?”

“What are you planning to do with them?”

“Make soup. What are you expecting me to do with potatoes, witchcraft?”

“I wouldn’t put it past you,” he said distrustfully. “That’ll be 25 klek.”

“Twenty-five?!! That’s highway robbery!”

“You’re right,” he said with a nasty grin. “Forty.”

It took all of what little self-control I had to not blow his stall to Kingdom Come and place a hex on his entire posterity. “Done,” I said, giving him the money. “Thank you.”

As I was heading out of the market, an earth pony snarled at a unicorn, “Get out of my face you spell-slinger!”

THAT’S IT!!!! I screamed, thunder rumbling and lightning flashing. If I have to turn each and every one of you into ice pops to get your heads out of your butts so be it! I hoped you packed your mittens kids! WINTER IS COMING! I cackled before running away.

The assembled ponies stared at each other in confusion.

I visited the Frozen North and … well … I’d been saving Windigos for if I had to use them, but I’d figured I might have at some point. They were basically my misanthropy given not-quite-physical form. They fed on hate, so there was less hate in the world if they ate it, and they could only be free to run rampart if the three tribes collectively hated each other. Single ponies or groups weren’t enough to free them.

Fly my minions!!! I said in my best wicked witch voice. They scattered to feed and to freeze.

“You do know you just doomed the entire planet, right?” Alexis asked.

Only until they realize they’re all the same species and that other species aren’t monsters either, I grumbled. If it gets too out of hand, I’ll just undo it. Frankly they need this.

“And if they don’t put aside their differences, invent Hearths’ Warming, and found Equestria?”

Then this whole thing will have been a flop and I will likely end up being a celestial file-clerk for the next few quadrillion years. I dread to think what They do if you fail your first universe.

“‘They,’ capital T, huh? I can’t picture Them doing anything too horrific to you,” Alexis said encouragingly.

“You know, Dante’s Inferno type stuff,” Apep said lazily, floating on his back with his paws behind his head. “You did just cause an event that could potentially cause ponies to freeze and/or starve to death in a perma-blizzard just to “Get their heads out of their butts”,” he said in a perfect impression of me. “I’d hate to have that on my conscience. Luckily, I’m the Other One,” he said with a nasty grin at Alexis.

It honestly worries me when you two agree, and it happens fairly often. The duo shrugged.

Apep looked thoughtful. “Anyway, this only deals with racism in Equestria, one soon-to-be nation. How are you going to ‘fix’ it for the rest of the world?” he asked witheringly, finger-quoting the word fix. “Plagues of locusts? Oceans of blood? Disney Channel original movies?” he snarled, his fur bristling.

“I don’t think things are that dire,” Alexis said mildly. “The rest of the world is better for some reason.”

“Hmph,” Apep grumbled.

I sighed. You’re right. I screwed up. … But … I think this is the only way.

“You don’t need any more lives on your hooves,” Alexis said.

“Or paws, or whatever,” Apep put in.

Right. Well … All I can now do is watch and see how bad it gets.

It took months for the three tribes of ponies to come together. By “come together,” I mean they sent representatives to scream at each other. It was actually lucky that the Windigos got them, or there might have been all-out war. I hadn’t expected the representatives to be as bad as they were. Yes, I spied on the whole affair as a shadow in the cave or on the wall. I wasn’t going to let something this big go unobserved. The first Hearth’s Warming was honestly beautiful.

By one of those inane miracles that kept cropping up for reasons I didn’t know, no one actually died in the blizzard. It had only lasted for three months, but still. That had been incredibly lucky. Crops were destroyed, but the pegasi shared their food stores with the other races, and unicorns cast spells to speed up the production of crops.

There was peace and Harmony in the land at last. Life was good for all creatures in the new nation of Equestria.

Too good, after a while.

With an enraged shout, Gusty the Great used the Bewitching Bell to cast Grogar off a cliff. He looked down. Nothing. Without the Bell, Grogar was powerless, and could no longer be a threat. He walked away to find a place to hide the Bell, where no one could find it.

In the shadows at the bottom of the canyon, Grogar dusted himself off. “Ingrates. I add a little strife and darkness to their lives to toughen them up, and all they do is complain. I wonder how history will regard me. ‘Father of Monsters’ has a nice ring to it. Shame about the Bell, though. … Well, I’m sure someone will find a use for it.” He grinned wickedly. “After all, evil artifacts are half the fun of any game…” Grogar dissolved into shadows, and then faded into legend.

Grogar the Terrible’s three-year reign was regarded as one of the worst periods in Equestrian history. Under his rule, darkness covered the land and monsters roamed freely. I’d never seen my little ponies as united as when they overthrew him. That act firmly cemented the three tribes’ unity. Before Grogar, there had been so much peace and prosperity that ponies had become slothful and arrogant. With something to strive against, they found that they were stronger than they had thought. They found that each of them had something to contribute to each other.

After Grogar, the good times returned, but without the problems of too much prosperity. It was … gratifying. Now that Equestria was safely ticking along, I decided to travel the rest of the world and see ~~what trouble I could get into~~ how I could help there.

I’d had an almost supernatural talent for being in the right place at the right time when I was alive, but now … It was like I was somehow drawn to where I needed to be. I’d feel a gentle tugging in my mind … or in my soul, possibly, that told me where to teleport to when. It wasn’t anything bad, and it had come in handy. Or hoofy, whatever the word was.

This time, I was in the Amanezon jungle, staring at a pyramid temple surrounded by a large village. I was invisible, I usually was until I figured out why I was here. Do people build temples to touch the sky? I mused quietly. No one could hear me.

A feeling of “Get to the second-to-top floor NOW” practically screamed in me. I quickly went in.

To my shock and growing horror, there was a panicking grey earth pony stallion tied to a sacrificial table. A priest wearing a feathered headdress was saying, “Be calm, your soul shall be with the Weaver, and your power shall add to our own. Truly better than the life you were living.”

He raised the knife. It quickly plunged in, blood spurting out. I covered my mouth in horror at what I’d just witnessed. I would never be able to forget it, either.

Oh … my god. He’d just KILLED someone in MY name.

The priest turned to one of his assistants. “Get rid of it,” he said quietly.

Not, “Give him a funeral.” Not even, “Dispose of his body.” Get. Rid. Of. IT.

As the assistants began their work, they were surprised to find the earth shaking. The priest grinned. “The Weaver is pleased with our offering today.”

Outside the temple, the villagers were shocked to see a storm with red lightning appear out of nowhere as the ground shook violently Funnily enough, the only thing the lightning struck was the temple.

The high priest headed into his chambers, removing his headdress and placing it on a pedestal. He heard a slight skittering sound overhead and looked up. He didn’t even have time to scream before the spider three times his size sprang and started to bind him. It left his head free before it attached him, upside-down, to the ceiling and clambered down the wall onto the floor, glaring at him malevolently.

“HELP!!! HELP!!!!” he screamed.

I locked the door and put up a silencing charm, I said, gnashing my chelicera angrily. It’s just you and me. I walked over to him and glared with four of my eyes, my back legs twitching slightly.

“You – you can talk?” he asked in shock.

Don’t you recognize your god? I said mockingly, holding up the claws on my foremost right leg. They were a cherry red.

“Y-you’re the Weaver?” he croaked.

I am. I’m here to break a social rule and discuss religion. Namely the mockery of religion you’ve set up in my name.

“But, I-”

SILENCE!!! I bellowed, my voice shaking the room. I have never, ever asked for sacrifice. For you to sacrifice your fellow creatures to me is an abomination. Here’s what’s going to happen. I’m going to untie you and let you go. You are going to visit every temple in your nation and tell them to stop the sacrifice of any living thing to me. You are going to tell them that if they want to worship me, the best way is to do good deeds to help others. Understand? He nodded. Good. When I untie you, you should probably run.

“Why?”

Because in 136 seconds, this temple isn’t going to be here, and I’d hate for you to B̸̹̩̋͂͌Ř̵̝̚Ȩ̸̙͍̽̕͝A̷̧̤͛K̵͈͍̯̓̊̕ ̸͙̊̅̓Ỵ̷͚͂͌O̸̱̽̿Ǘ̷̡͎͑͠R̵̩̃ ̸̭͐N̷̜͆É̷̛͖͘Ç̷̓K̸͈͇̏ in the fall. Pray to anyone who will listen that we do not meet again.

I untied him. He ran faster than I’d seen anyone who wasn’t an Olympian athlete run.

I crawled to a large cage built into the wall of another room on this floor. Inside it were an earth pony, a unicorn, and a pegasus. They’d cut the horn off the unicorn and the wings off the pegasus to prevent escape. The three screamed when they saw me, which was fair, I was a bloody giant spider.

I’m here to rescue you, I said, pulling the bars off the cage. They were shocked to see the unicorn regrow his horn and the pegasus regrow his wings. Stay close to me, only one of you can fly. They exchanged a confused look and quickly followed as the temple began to shake uncontrollably.

One last hellish bolt of lightning that looked like an upside-down volcano eruption hit the temple, and the entire structure turned into salt and spiders, starting at the top and working its way down. The villagers and the priests who’d all made it out were shocked to see a giant spider protectively cradling three ponies in the center of the mess.

I clicked my mouth. An image of a red right hoofprint made of light and the hieroglyphics for “Be Kind,” appeared in the air above where the temple had stood, looking like angry Northern Lights. They’d remain there for a week.

Where do you live? I asked.

“The village two day’s walk south of here,” the earth pony replied, looking mildly stunned.
Good, I know it. Follow me guys! I said to the three ponies and the thousands of spiders surrounding us.

I walked the whole with through the jungle with them to safely deliver them home. The spiders followed us, scattering off into the jungle in small groups. At one point just for fun, I did a synchronized dance with the other spiders.

After most creatures picturing me as a giant spider, and the incident where “god” in the guise of a giant spider freed three ponies, spiders wound up becoming my sacred animal. Those three ponies certainly spread the tale far and wide.

I didn’t mind spiders anymore, but now that I’d accepted them as a symbol, the little varmints would flock to me, asking for hugz and saying they bringed me a fly. Could have been worse.

I was just hanging out in a small city, watching a blacksmith busy at work. He’d asked if I wanted to buy anything, I told him no, but decided to pay him just to watch. It was honestly sort of hypnotic.

My ear swiveled as I heard a familiar wheezing groan. “What kind of idiot flies a TARDIS with the parking brake on?!” I muttered.

If I’d been drinking something, I would have done a spit-take when Doctor Hooves trotted in front of me. He glanced at me and his eyes traveled to my right forehoof. “Great whickering stallions!” he exclaimed. He rushed over. “It’s so nice to-”

I put a finger to his lips. “It’s obvious that you know me, but from my perspective I’ve never met you before, Lord of Time.”

The Doctor chuckled. “Oh. Right. I forget you do things in the right order.” He cleared his throat. “Sorry about that, random stranger!”

“That might be overdoing it. … Are we … friends? In my future.”

He thought about it, then nodded.

I smiled. “That’s good to know. I look forward to getting to know you properly.”

The Doctor stuck his tongue out, tasting the local time. “Well, you’ve got a long wait.”

“That’s fine, I can-” My eyes widened in horror as I spotted something behind him. “Would you mind slowly turning around, and not blinking? No matter what you do?”

He turned around, “Why what-?” He stared at the statue of a pegasus that was bearing its fangs at him.

I grabbed a hammer from the blacksmith and ignored his objections. I walked over to the Angel. I think you have a hivemind, so take a memo from me. I swung the hammer over its head and hit it with all my strength. The statue shattered, before it crumbled to dust.

The Doctor stared in shock. “It was quantum locked! That should have broken the hammer. Or shattered the planet.”

“I have anger issues,” I said, swinging the hammer over my wither. “Going clubbing helps, but the people around me tend to get hammered.” The Doctor winced at the horrible puns. “I KNOW I didn’t create those things. I guess I’ll have to make a grand tour of the universe and hunt them down. Or, you know, snap my fingers…” I sighed with an eye roll. “Really prefer not to do that, but there is no way I am letting Weeping Angels loose in my universe,” I said. I passed the blacksmith his hammer. “Thanks. Sorry. Do I need to replace it?”

His mouth was hanging open and he shook his head wordlessly after inspecting it. “G’day then. Do you want to meet up later?” I asked the Doctor.

He smiled. “Much later, but you’ll run into me from time to time. We won’t meet for the first time for several times. Best of luck!” He headed back to his TARDIS.

I chuckled. I then grabbed the blacksmith’s face and squealed, “HE’S REAL!!!”, fanboying out of my mind.

The blacksmith wondered if he should call the police, before I disappeared. He stared at the hammer in his hoof in shock. “That’s the last time I mix cider and carrot juice before bed,” he said, hanging a “Closed” sign on his door before he went home and had a nervous collapse.

After a few years I noticed the ponies were starting to get fat and lazy again. The world was a little too perfect. Too sunny. Too cheerful. Too bland.

I sighed. Welp. Only one thing for this, I guess…

I headed back to my demiplane and tried to remember how I’d made it. Most of it had been unconsciously, but …

I found a good spot for another dimension, and created a seething, boiling soup of pure chaos. Nothing was stable here. Nothing was expected. I wasn’t sure what to do next, until I had a brilliant, horrible idea.

I pulled my soul out of my body. I was disappointed it looked human, if I’m going to be honest. I glanced at its hands. I reached out and broke off its right hand.

I then let out an unholy screech of pain that curdled the air around me before I fell down and wound up in the fetal position, whimpering.

When I could talk again, I screamed, HOW THE [redacted] DID [redacted] VOLDEMORT [redacted] DO THAT, SIX [redacted] TIMES?!!!!

“In fairness a Horcrux is a little more refined then what you just did,” Alexis said.

I glanced at my soul. That should heal. In a few years, I muttered. I pulled the rest of my soul into my body and stared at the fragment I was holding.

I held it out to the air around it, and magically pulled pure chaos magic into it. I concentrated and a body formed around the soul fragment, as it stretched and grew to fit.

When I was done, a long, furry, noodle-shaped body was hovering in the air in front of me. It cracked open a pair of yellow and red eyes. He looked at his hands in wonder as he turned them over, wondering why they didn’t match.

“Wh-” His voice was hoarse; he hadn’t used it before. He licked his lips with a long, forked tongue and tried again. “What am I?”

You are Discord. A powerful Spirit and the embodiment of Chaos itself.

“What are you?”

My mind raced with answers, before I laughed and said, I guess … I guess I’m your father.

Discord held out his eagle’s talons as an offer to shake my hand. As I did, a loud farting sound came out from my hand. Discord chuckled and held out his talons to reveal he’d summoned up a whoopie cushion.

I laughed too. That’s my boy!

"That must have been one heck of a year..."

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Content Warning: Teenage Discord gets "The Talk," but nothing explicit is discussed. Also, all cannon characters are horrifically OOC.
Enjoy!

“Can we go somewhere today?” Discord pleaded.

You just have to stay a few more days, and then we can go anywhere, you pick! I replied, writing as I spoke.

“But why can’t I leave the house?”

You can leave the house, just not the dimension. You can shape the dimension in any way you want, so, you could create an outside to tide you over. The reason you need to stay here is that you were created here, and you need to absorb the energy from this place. This is the most chaotic place in the universe, you need to soak up the chaos so you can use it. You’ll also have to return here periodically when you grow older, about once every 50-100 years, just for a day.

“But why?”

You’re mostly made of magic, if you don’t soak up chaos magic on a regular long-term basis, you’ll fade away. I know it doesn’t seem fair now, but once we’re outside, you’ll see.

Discord had formed as a young adult, with a full vocabulary, but he still had a very childlike way of seeing the world. That’s dangerous when you look like a kid, if you look grown, and if you look like a monster…. I was worried that’s what ponies would see him as. He had so much potential, for good or for ill.

He looked slightly different than on the show. His mane and eyebrows were black, and his eyebrows were less bushy. He was missing his goatee; it hadn’t grown in yet. If I had to guess, I’d say he looked about eighteen.

A demigod (I didn’t know what other term to use) who had unspeakable power at his fingertips and didn’t understand the basics of the world around him was a time bomb. I was hoping I could prepare him for whatever came. I knew that on the show Discord was a bit of a raging narcissist, but I think it was because he was really very insecure. I’d be damned if my son hated himself. Although it would also be better if he saw “mortals” as more than playthings. It was going to be an interesting road ahead.

“I’m bored!” Discord whined pitifully.

I sighed and closed my journal. What do you want to do?

“Anything but just float around!”

I nodded and pulled a piano out of thin air. Right! I’m going to teach you how to play piano!

“Why piano?”

I shrugged. Because once you master the basics, you can then recombine them into ever new and exciting forms. You can play the same song thousands of different ways, and even turn pure chaos into music. … Not that I’ve gotten that far. I can play, but I’m not exactly a concert pianist or a composer. I have a feeling you’re going to quickly outpace me, I deadpanned. I grinned wickedly. We can start with that, or with knitting …

“Piano’s fine!” Discord said.

I chuckled. Someday I’ll teach you the stallionly art of knitting! And it will be glorious! But … for now…

I was only half surprised when Discord picked up the piano supernaturally quickly. By the end of a lengthy afternoon he was plunking out basic pieces, although I’d never heard “Hot Cross Buns” played on the piano sound so metal.

Discord sighed. “That was amusing, but it’s so … orderly. It’s all math,” he said glumly.

Math can be … satisfying…

Discord snorted. “But it can never be chaotic. Not unless somehow things change enough for two plus two to equal fish,” he said, fish raining down in the room before disappearing.

Nicely done! I complimented.

He grinned eagerly, drinking up the praise.

Does something have to be chaotic to be worthy of your attention?

He stared at me in confusion. “I am chaos, you said so yourself!”

Yes, you are. But that doesn’t have to be all that you are.

“I don’t understand,” he said, looking at me in confusion.

No. One day, I hope. You’re still young, I forget that. I hummed quietly as I thought. Would you like to watch a movie?

“Can it be about humans?” Discord asked with a grin.

I don’t have any other kind. Well … I do, but… I chuckled. Yes.

True to my word, Discord was soon able to leave the house in the Chaos Realm. He glanced back at it. Like I said, that place is yours to do with what you will. Maybe if you redesign it, you could even live there.

“Maybe,” Discord replied. “Could I live with you while I figure things out?”

I beamed. I’d be flattered! I’ll make up a room for you to decorate any way you want. I’ve got a lot I’ll think you’ll enjoy. When or if you come back here, you could always make your very own Chaosville, I said with a grin. It could be amazing. Keep in mind that if you reach 2,500 and you’re still living in my basement, I’m kicking you out into the harsh, unforgiving world…

Joke, I said, noticing Discord’s expression. I’ll explain it.

I’d never really considered what I’d be like as a parent before. Discord didn’t change much physically, but his mind grew sharper and more cunning every month. He had a fascination with humans, I’m not sure why. Perhaps because I used to be one, or just the novelty of another universe.

Having someone else hanging around my castle was nice, and Discord certainly made things never dull…

“What are you writing?” he asked, peering over my shoulder.

It’s my journal, I said as I held it up. I write about my day, my thoughts & feelings, what I hope to accomplish … and you, I said with a grin. I’ve got notes on how much you’re progressing and how proud I am of you.

“Really?” Discord swiped my journal and squinted at it. “What alien language is this?!”

I sighed. It’s cursive, smart mouth. I’d been very surprised. On the show, Ponish looked like either a set of wavy lines, or a strange cross of English and Russian. Here, it was just written as English. A small section of the journal was in Circular Gallopfreyan for practice, but the majority was in English or Ponish, depending on your native language. Do you mind pawing that back? Most of it is private, I said in a growl.

“Sure,” Discord said casually. “If you want to be private, who am I to stop you?”

I sighed.

One afternoon Discord was in a slump. Anything I can do? He shook his head, barely lifting his neck. We could knit. Or watch a movie. Or travel somewhere in the universe!

“No,” Discord said.

Well, there’s only one thing for it. I conjured up something thin and rectangular and passed it under Discord’s nose a few times.

He sniffed and licked his lips. “What is that?”

Chocolate. Otherwise known as the food of the gods. They’re barely inventing it in South Mareica, but after a while, it will be this good. I broke off a sizeable chunk. Try it. It’s pretty good for bad moods. It’s also Dementor repellant, so you can’t beat that!

Discord bit into the chocolate bar. Stars literally appeared in his eyes as he broke into a huge grin. “THIS IS AMAZING!” he shouted, his voice echoing through the halls.

I nodded. Chocolate is a wonderful, wonderful thing! You can even have chocolate milk.

“Chocolate milk is a thing?!!” Discord asked in amazement.

Yep! I pulled a glass of chocolate milk out of thin air and passed it to him. He quickly drained it. He then bit down on the glass. I still winced when he did that, even though I knew I wouldn’t have to rush him to the hospital or anything.

“WOW!” Discord shouted.

I chuckled. You’re never having milk the regular way again, are you? Discord shook his head. Well, that’s not very healthy … but … you should be fine. You’re not exactly normal.

“Thank chaos,” Discord muttered.

Amen.

“I’ve been meaning to ask, why is your paw, hand, or hoof always red?”

I chuckled again. It’s from a song back on earth.

“What song?”

I grinned and the song started playing. I sang along, enjoying myself.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dxkUK3SQlWI

Because of that song, there’s a Trope called “Red Right Hand,” where some evil characters have some sort of physical deformity that serves as a “tell” their nature. So … whoever or whatever brought me here back at the beginning of time knew that trope, knew that I knew that trope, and knew that I would find it funny. It’s annoying that there’s nothing I can do about it. Not even glamour spells work, I huffed, scratching at my right paws. Still, it’s probably handy for others to have a way to always recognize me.

“Did you palm that joke out of a second-hand joke book?” Discord said with a sharp-toothed grin.

Well, you nailed that one. If you got my sense of humor, you’ll probably be a knucklehead. Not a lot of people like puns, so they might stay outside a certain radius of you, just to keep a certain distal away from the fallout.

Discord clapped his paw and talons over his ears. “That’s enough puns for now!” he shouted.

Sorry, I always overdo it.

When Discord was 14, he came into the O&O room to find me feeding Chester. “I’ve never known; what’s this room for?”

A game I love that hasn’t been invented yet. It’s going to be very popular with the geeks of the world. I hope, anyway. I snapped my fingers as I remembered something. I have something to show you actually! I think you’ll like it. I took the Dash action and grabbed the exquisitely painted miniature of Discord as Captain Wuzz that had appeared with the room. I held it in my hooves to surprise Discord.

“Forget it!” Discord scoffed. He turned and walked out of the room. “I’m too awesome to play some nerdy pony game.”

I looked at the figurine and felt my heart break a bit. I snarled, and said, Someday, Discord … Someday you and I will be adventuring companions in the greatest game known to geekdom, and when you least expect it … I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!

Around a mouthful of food, Chester said, “You know, you should have more of an audience for these dramatic proclamations of yours.”

I sighed. Shut up and eat your sushi…

One day as I was happily making an afghan, Discord came into my room with a puzzled expression. “Uh, … Dad?”

Yes?

“Where do babies come from?”

Ajfesak.

“What?”

I cleared my throat. Sorry. I haven’t been looking forward to this. Let’s head to the living room. Once Discord was comfortably seated and I was very uncomfortably standing I said, … There are … other … uh, pairings we’ll discuss, but if you specifically want a baby… I squirmed slightly. Sorry, I don’t enjoy talking about this. Anyway, when a mare and a stallion decide they want to have a child…

…

And that’s the miracle of childbirth, I said, concluding the PowerPoint I’d put together. “Be Prepared,” right?

Discord had his hands folded in his lap, and was a bit aroused, but wasn’t acting on it. He looked very thoughtful. “How do two stallions, uh…”

I sighed. Well, the stallions both have a prostate, which is kind of, uh, … sensitive, although there are other… I facepalmed. I did NOT want to do this, but I owed him “The Talk,” in all its completeness. I inhaled deeply. Do you mind if I sit down?

I managed to tell Discord how two stallions had sex, and I answered his questions on how two mares would have sex, although I told him I only knew the basics of that, and he should probably ask someone else for a more complete answer.

I sighed. I glanced at him. Just out of curiosity as your father, who are you attracted to? Mares? Stallions? Both?

Discord thought about it. “Yes…?” he said uncertainly. “Does it even matter if they’re a mare or a stallion? Or both? Or neither? As long as I like them and they like me, and are willing, I don’t really care what bits they’ve got.”

Ah. Well, I can’t force a label on you, but it sounds like you might be Pansexual, you’re attracted to everyone equally, and don’t care about binary gender. I’ve got a book on sexual orientations in the library if you’d like to research what you think you are.

Discord nodded slowly. “That sounds right, but the book would help.” He looked at me. “So, who do you like?”

I said, I don’t like anybody that way, and I’m fine with that. I still got an awesome son! I said as I ruffled his mane. And it was nice to not have to dance the horizontal tango to do so. I’ve been reliably informed that sex is very enjoyable, I just don’t want to find out. You would probably enjoy it. I glanced at him as a thought struck me. I told you to practice safe sex, right?

Discord rolled his eyes. “Just twelve times.”

Well, let’s make it thirteen. I’m honestly not sure if you even can get an STD since you’re not mortal, but your partner can, and I don’t want you getting someone pregnant unless you’re seriously ready for that level of commitment. If you’ll excuse me, I need to go crawl out of my skin. I’ll see you tonight!

When Discord was 18, he came into my room looking thoughtful. What’s up?

“I met two very strange fillies today…”

Really? Strange fillies sound right up your alley. Do you know their names?

“Celestia and Luna.” My pencil snapped in my paw. “Do you … know them?” Discord asked, catching my expression.

Not personally, no. I thought quickly. Do you mind if I tag along the next time you visit them? They won’t even know that I’m there …

“Why…?”

I’d like to meet your friends!

Discord scoffed. “What makes you think we’re friends?”

You haven’t exactly gotten to know anypony before. And … you’re smitten… I said with a grin.

“‘Smitten?’” Discord asked in shock. “What do you mean, ‘Smitten?!’”

Just the expression on your face. Do you mind telling me about them?

“Well, they’re both daughters of one of the noble families in Canterlot,” Discord said with an eye roll, “but they’re not stuck up like the rest of those ponies. Luna’s a bit shy, but she’s very sweet.” He laughed. “After talking with you so long, it’s strange to speak to ponies in Thees and Thous.”

I died several centuries after that, we had contractions then.

“I call Celestia ‘Kay-Kay,’” Discord said with an impish grin.

Why?

“When she first met me, she was a bit scared of me, so when I asked her her name, she stuttered K-K before she managed to get out Celestia.”

Ah.

“She’s got a great sense of humor!”

Well, I look forward to meeting her. The next time I see her, this time I just want to observe.

Discord raised an eyebrow. “Are you going to spy on all my friends?”

I chuckled. No, just your first ones.

Discord was gracious enough to humor me and let me follow him the next time the Sisters met with him. I’d always been good at hiding in plain sight, but with the use of magic, not even Discord would have been able to see me if he was looking right at me.

The three were meeting in a garden, and Discord broke into a broad grin upon seeing them. He’d said “fillies,” but I’d forgotten there wasn’t a female equivalent of “colt.” They were only a few years younger than him. Celestia was a white unicorn mare with a light pink mane, while Luna was a dark blue with a lighter blue mane. I noticed that neither of them had their cutie marks yet, which was unusual given their age. I didn’t want to spy on their whole meeting, my son deserved his privacy, but…

I saw the way Discord looked when he snuck glances at Celestia, and the way he went out of his way to make her laugh. I was happy, but …

I sighed, a light breeze stirring the trees. If you break his hearts, I will NEVER forgive you… I left them to it after that.

The next time they met, I joined them in the flesh this time. I was “dressed” in the Draconequus form I’d used when I met with the Lord President of Gallopfrey, a sort of Wemic Bugbear looking thing with horns and eyes that only showed space, my three right paws the usual red. I’d added a blood-red goatee out of nostalgia.

Greetings, I said, shaking both Sister’s hooves at the same time. I am Discord’s father. And thou art?

“We are Luna, and this is our sister Celestia,” Luna replied. “What is they name?”

I mulled it over. As I was thinking, a spider crawled up to me, and I picked it up, turning it over and over in my paws.

“Thou art not afraid?” Luna asked in a puzzled tone.

Hmm? Oh. No. This type of spider is harmless, and I find them rather pleasant to look at. I have many names, so thou may call me what thou wilt, it makes no difference to me, so long as it is not offensive.

“Arachnos,” Luna said with a grin.

I laughed. Very well. To thee I shall be Arachnos. I grinned impishly and shifted into my spiderpony form. A more fitting form for the name, yes? Art thou afraid of me like this?

Luna shook her head. Celestia looked uncertain, before she also shook her head.

Good. Know that I could never harm thee. I think I should leave thee with my son, he enjoys thy company more than mine… I said with a grin. I vanished.

Discord gave a nervous laugh. “He’s … really very nice when you get to know him…”

“Why doth he enjoy spiders?”

“Oh, he’s the Weaver…”

“Thy father created the world?!” Luna asked in shock.

“A bit more than that…” Discord said with a grin.

Discord came into my office one afternoon holding up a mirror and frowning.

What’s wrong, oh vain one? I teased.

Discord ignored that, but pointed at his eyebrows and said, “I’m going grey in my eyebrows!”

Oh.

Discord nodded. “I’m 24! Who goes grey at 24?!!”

I chuckled. It’s rare, but it happens. It’s only in your eyebrows, your mane still looks fine. Your eyebrows are a bit bushier too. Maybe you should grow a beard.

“What?”

I shrugged. Well, it’ll make you look more distinguished. Help you get into clubs, if you do it right. I know you’re a party animal. Lord knows you didn’t get that from me…

“You’re my only parent.”

Yes, but you’re your own person. You’re not a carbon copy of me, thank God. You don’t have to, but I always thought goatees were cool. An absurdly long one is pretty you.

Discord scoffed. “Maybe when I’m older.”

If you want to, not if I want you to.

“I’ll think about it.”

I nodded. … Do you … want dinner? We haven’t eaten together in a while.

“Pizza?” Discord asked with an excited grin.

Well, you certainly hold a pizza my heart!

Discord facepawed and groaned. “Dad … your puns stopped being funny when I was 13.”

I sighed. Fair enough. Any particular toppings?

“Chocolate pieces, anchovies, sausage, onions, jalapenos, pineapple, and whipped cream,” Discord rattled off in one breath.

I raised an eyebrow. You do have taste buds, right?

“Yes…?” Discord replied uncertainly.

Just wanted to triple check. I snapped on a chef’s outfit. One Discord special, coming right up!

It didn’t come as much of a surprise to me when Celestia and Luna became Alicorns, after being able to raise the sun and moon on their own. The fact that they were quickly “elected” rulers of Equestria didn’t surprise me, although I knew they would come to be fair rulers. I hoped so, anyway. When I say they were “elected” I mean that the aristocracy elected them, the common pony didn’t have a choice, although the fact that they were now Alicorns and generally beloved helped sway most ponies’ hearts.

The Sisters had invited me to their coronation “after-party” of sorts, a gathering of nobility in Canterlot. I nursed a glass of juice and bitterly glanced around the room. Discord had also been invited as a personal friend of the Sisters, and while he was much more outgoing than I was, he was being not-so-subtly shunned by these brownnosers. I hated seeing him being treated this way. I knew no good would come of it.

A voice interrupted my dark thoughts. “Cheer up, Arachnos, ‘tis a happy day for us. Do you not think so?”

I saw Luna glowing radiantly and laughed. She could always cheer me up. “Aye, I am glad for thee. I am not overly fond of the rest of these leeches, though,” I said, pointing at the ponies around the room. “They treat my son as though he were a monster or a mere beast. … I hope they do not come to regret it, from either of us. I do not treat things as a joke the way my son does. I pity you that you will have to deal with these cultured pirates,” I said with a grin. “Don’t let them dim your light, fair moon.” Luna blushed.

Luna spotted Celestia walking over and called, “Sister! Join us for a moment?”

Celestia nodded. “I’m glad you could be here,” she said.

I nodded. “Thank you for inviting me to such a proud moment.”

“We are friends,” Celestia said warmly.

“I hope so,” I replied. “I have a gift for you two, to mark the occasion.” Seeing their grins made me laugh. “I think you will enjoy this one.” I glanced around to make sure nopony was watching, snapped my fingers, and …

Watch where you step, this forest can be dangerous, but…

Standing in front of us was a small castle. It wasn’t anything big or overly grand, but it was still a castle. You could almost smell the fresh paint, so to speak. Fluttering from the top of a spire was a long flag that read, “Moony and Kay-Kay.”

I made this for you. … It’s … a place where you can get away from it all. Though you will have to go back to the real world sooner rather than later sadly. But it is a place where tax forms and nobles and checklists cannot find you, even if it is just for half an hour. I handed them a key, the top of which was shaped like a half moon and half sun. This is enchanted to bring you here as well as unlock the door. I hope you have fun figuring out how to activate it, I said with a grin. I made this forest a long time ago as a place outside of normal pony magic, so ponies are usually afraid to enter it. It unsettles them. I thought it would be a good place to hide a private retreat. I usually come here to visit the monsters and see how they are.

I was startled by the sudden hugs around my waist, letting out a yelp at the unexpected contact. When they were done, I gently pushed them away and brought one of my paws up to scratch at the back of my neck in embarrassment. I know ponies are affectionate, but in future please ask before you touch me, even if it is just a hug. I hate being touched without my permission.

“We apologize,” Celestia said.

You had no way of knowing, it is nothing to worry about. Now why don’t you two go explore, there is much to see. I have already seen it, when I built it, but you two have not.

The two ran off and searched every crack and crevice of the castle. When they were done, I said, Right, I think I should get you back before you are missed too much. A quick snap of my fingers and we were back at the party.

A voice called, “Princess!” A tall grey stallion trotted up to us. His mane was salt-and-pepper, and his beard was well trimmed, but exactly how many unicorns wear that outfit outside of a convention?

“Starswirl!” Celestia cried joyfully, giving him a hug.

“Celestia!” the mage replied, rubbing her mane. “Luna, you look well, as always.”

“Thank you,” Luna said.

“Princess of the Day, and Princess of the Night. I am so proud of you two!”

“We were rather surprised when we managed to raise the moon for the first time,” Luna admitted with a slightly shy grin.

Starswirl spotted me. “I do not believe we have met … Mr.?”

“Arachnos.”

Starswirl raised an eyebrow. “That is an unusual name.”

I grinned. “I have an affinity for spiders, and I have many names. Luna suggested the name, and I liked it enough to adopt it.”

“How do you know their Highnesses?”

“My son is a friend of theirs, and they were kind enough to invite me here tonight.”

“Your son?”

I pointed at Discord, who was busy juggling plates, to either the nobles’ enjoyment or slight horror.

Celestia’s eyes widened. “Excuse us, we should go keep him out of trouble. Come, Luna.” They quickly trotted off.

“Discord is your son?!” Starswirl asked with shock.

I sighed. “He is honestly very nice if you take the time to get to know him. He just craves attention, is a bit of a showoff, and unfortunately got my sense of humor. I wish ponies wouldn’t treat him like some sort of freak, they may come to regret that.”

“Who is his mother?”

I grinned. “I take the term ‘single parent’ to another level. I am his only parent, though it was not a traditional birth.” Seeing Starswirl’s confused expression, I said, “I am pony shaped at the moment, but I am not a pony.”

”Ah,” Starswirl said. “You are a Draconequus as well?”

“When it suits me. I have read your work thus far. It is frankly brilliant. You are quite possibly the greatest mage in Equestria.” Starswirl beamed. “You also have the ego to match,” I said in a warning tone. “Just because you are usually the smartest person in the room does not mean you should not listen to the others there. I have seen others go down that road, it only leads to a bitter, lonely life.”

Starswirl slowly nodded, though he seemed confused by my words. “You understand magical theory?”

“Of course,” I said with a grin. “Although lately I have found that I enjoy potion making. For me, there is something satisfying about brewing a potion for hours or even days to create an effect, rather than simply snapping my fingers. I still do that quite a lot, of course,” I said with a shrug. “Some of the ingredients are very hard to come by. I even invent potions in my spare time! … I have a lot of that…” My voice trailed off. I glanced around the room. “I should probably leave. It was nice to meet you.” Starswirl nodded. I walked over to Discord. “I’m going to go, please stay as long as you want.” He nodded.

With that I sighed and disappeared.

I’d gotten the feeling I was supposed to be somewhere again, this time I was in the Frozen North. I wasn’t being pulled towards the Crystal Empire, but the icy waste surrounding it. I liked it cold, so I managed to get used to it quicker than when I’d “borrowed” a TARDIS. I was still grateful for scarves. I finally came to where I had been drawn to and looked around. Nothing but perma-blizzard. I then glanced down. At my hooves was what I thought had been a frozen grey rock. It wasn’t.

Oh, lord! You poor thing! I picked the foal up and looked around. He was nearly dead, but there was a faint heartbeat. Who the buck would leave a foal in this cold?! I snarled. I breathed on the ice and snow encasing him, and it melted away. He started shivering uncontrollably. His form flickered for a second, and I nearly dropped him. What had shown was only vaguely pony shaped. I glanced at the foal closer. Thick dark grey fur, wavy black mane and tail … probably green eyes if he opened them. Oh. I … I thought … Where did you come from, Little Shadow? There haven’t been …

I sighed. Well, I can’t leave you here. Maybe … maybe you’ll be different. Maybe you’ll be better than the rest. I pushed down some of my most hated memories. I wonder how nature and nurture would apply in this case? I … I have to give you a chance. I screwed my eyes shut. Damnit. I know I’ll regret that, but that’s just who I am. They probably knew that. Are you a trap, Little Shadow? For me, or for the ponies?

Obviously, the foal didn’t answer. I carefully placed him on my back and conjured a blanket over him. Well, the closest place to take you is… I snorted in amusement. Let’s go then.

If I galloped through the snow, I would have thrown him off my back, and teleportation can wreak havoc if you’re in poor condition. I didn’t want to know what it would do to someone who had nearly frozen to death. I settled for a brisk trot.

Not knowing what else to do, I spoke to the unconscious foal on my back. Not to cast a shadow on your day, but I think you were starting to crystalize back there. … You know, you could end up being incredibly talented at magic, you might end up being a dark horse in the world of wizardry. Of quartz, there’s more to life than magical academia and crystals. Fate can be a shady thing. Sometimes the difference between a king and pauper is just in the cards. I fear you might be unhappy.

I thought he was waking up by the way his front legs tightened forcibly around my neck, but he was still asleep. For a weakened foal, he had a grip like a vice. I pulled him off. I’m guessing by the fact you just tried to strangle me in your sleep you didn’t enjoy those jokes. It’s a shame, if you had we could have ruled like father and pun. He let out a slight whimper of pain, possibly from the biting cold, possibly from that joke. I sighed. All right, all right, I’ll stop. Everybody’s a critic, I sighed.

Finally, after what felt like four hours of struggling through the snow, my goal was in sight. The Crystal Empire.

I stopped by the barrier and looked at my cargo, unsure if I should continue. Only one way to find out. I stepped through. To my relief he was unharmed. I quickly wound my way through the streets until I found the Crystal Heart Foal Center. I walked in, unsure of what to do next. Luckily a mare quickly spotted me, and more importantly, my passenger.

“Oh, heavens!” She rushed over.

“I found this one in the frozen wastes. He was almost dead. I do not know how he got there, but I do not think he has any family. I am … glad I could bring him somewhere safe. This is a good place for him to have a chance at a life.”

She quickly nodded. “We will take excellent care of him. Thank you, Mr. …?”

“Nos. Arach Nos. It was lucky I was there. I think I should go.”

Her eyes widened. “You do not wish to see him wake?!”

I quickly shook my head. “It is for the best that he not see me. He has not woken yet, and I prefer to leave before he does. Please take the best care of him, he has not had the best start in life.”

She nodded. “I swear.”

I left. The foal’s new guardian and caretaker took him to an empty room and began to warm him up by degrees as she made a soup for when he woke up. Moments later, he stirred. She quickly brought the soup over to him. “Hello, little one. What is your name?”

He was groggy, it took him a minute to form the word. “Sombra. My name is Sombra.”

…

I stood in the blizzard, unsure of what to feel. I’d just saved Sombra’s life, when I could have snuffed it out like a candle. It would have been easy. Six months before, I had attended a party in honor of the birth of the King of the Centaurs and the Queen of the Gargoyle’s son Scorpan. His older brother Tirek hadn’t spoken to me, he’d just given me a sullen death glare. Starswirl didn’t know it, but during his travels throughout Equestria and beyond, he’d accidentally allowed the Changelings to be born from the tree they sprang from, and they were slowly growing in power. A choir of Sirens had been spotted near the eastern border of Equestria, and within a few years they would be giving birth to daughters. Discord had moved out of my castle and built a small home in the chaos dimension I’d formed him from and formed for him. He was growing distant from me, but Celestia had written me and told me she was worried. His pranks were growing more malicious than funny.

Somewhere in the cosmic clockwork, a timer had begun to slowly count down…

Starswirl the Bearded as he was now known was busy polishing a mirror, eyeing his reflection critically.

“I see you have made some friends,” I said approvingly from behind him.

He jumped in surprise. “WHO ARE YOU?! HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?!!”

I sighed and shifted forms. I am Arachnos. I walked, I said with a grin.

“Oh.” Starswirl glanced at me, whipped around to look in the mirror, and glanced at me again. “You are not in the mirror,” he said in a slightly accusing tone.

‘Mirrors are never to be trusted,’ I quoted with a grin. I … do not enjoy something that is not me looking at me through a copy of my face. Returning to the reason I came here, you are a protector of Equestria, I said with a warm smile. They call you “The Pillars of Equestria.” I am happy for you, you were alone too often, even in your travels.

Starswirl chuckled. “Perhaps, yes, though it is hard to think with them yammering on. I enjoy their company. I am thinking of perhaps taking on an apprentice someday!” he said proudly. “Surely there must be a foal in Equestria who can live up to my expectations.”

I thought about it. No doubt, but … remember that he will also have a great deal to contribute.

Starswirl waved a hoof airily. “Of, course, of course.” I was not remotely convinced. “I sent a trio of particularly nasty sirens through there,” he said, pointing at the mirror. “I wonder what’s on the other side?”

Hell, in all its hormone-driven agony, I replied coolly. I’m not sure they deserved such a fate. Not that there is much I can do about it now. Perhaps one day they will return, perhaps better than they were, perhaps worse. Time will tell. Good luck finding a young mind to mold, treat it with care, jealousy can do ugly things.

With that, I was gone.

I was surprised when Discord unexpectedly dropped by one day. Not because it was unannounced, but simply because he came to visit, he hadn’t done that in years. I was even more shocked to see that he was crying miserably and seemed like someone had scooped out his soul with an ice-cream spoon.

Before he collapsed onto the flagstone, I rushed over and grabbed him. WHAT HAPPENED?! He mumbled something. What?

“CELESTIA SAYS I’M A MONSTER!!!!” Discord roared. “There! HAPPY?!!! Just because she can’t take a joke?! After everything I’ve done for her, I play one prank too many on her STUPID ponies, and I’m a monster?! I OUGHTA-!” He then collapsed, crying into my fur.

Having six arms is useful if you need to give someone a hug. He simply hung limply in my arms, water trickling down my chest and onto the tile floor. When he was done, I rubbed his mane, and softly said, Want me to kill her? He looked up at me in shock. The corner of my mouth turned up. We can just put a stuffed marionette on the throne and feed it cake all day as it makes boring proclamations in that stupid snooty tone she uses when she’s being official. No one will know the difference.

Discord chuckled. “No … I don’t think so.”

Good, because I wouldn’t do that, I just wanted to make you laugh for a bit. Don’t go plotting revenge just yet, she may come to her senses and apologize. I doubt it, since she’s as stubborn as you are, but it’s a faint possibility.

“Hey!” Discord snapped.
As one of the more stubborn beings in creation, I can get away with calling you stubborn. Just … leave things be for now. Maybe stay away from Equestria for the time being. Discord looked unhappy, but he nodded. Trust me, it’s for the best. Now, why don’t we find some way to cheer ourselves up?

Just because you’re expecting something horrible to happen and have very good details about it, doesn’t make it any less horrible to go through.

The Year of Hell, as I would come to think of it, ran thus:

In the early part of January, the dark mage Sombra swiftly and mercilessly overtook the Crystal Empire. I heard stories of what he’d done to the previous ruler, each more horrible than the last. He’d first turned her to stone in public for all her former subjects to witness, and then he shattered her, before scattering the pieces of her stony corpse as dust, so that it could never be put back together. From late January to early March, he ruled his subjects as a slaver, forcing them to dig deeper into the earth for larger and more powerful crystals to fuel some sort of project. His subjects’ lives were a nightmare whether they were awake or asleep. Finally, word reached the Two Sisters in Canterlot, and they dealt swift and terrible justice to him. He sealed the Empire away with himself in a final moment of spite, not to return for over a thousand years.

I wondered why I’d saved him.

…

In late March the Changeling Swarm laid siege to the city of Trot, draining all of the citizens of their love, fatally. Celestia and Luna once again intervened, and sealed the Changelings inside a volcano, after weakening them considerably. Even after being freed from their prison, the Changelings would need decades to return to their full strength, and would only act from the shadows…

Ponies praised Celestia and her sun for the light they brought to these dark times, while giving Luna a curt, “Thank you.”

…

In April, the Centaur Prince Tirek attempted to drain Equestria of its magic, but he was swiftly beaten back by the Two Sisters and sealed inside of Tartarus. The Prince’s brother Scorpan fled from home into the wide deserts surrounding his kingdom, and Tirek’s parents disowned their son for his crimes.

…

In May, a new threat arose, and many feared the return of Sombra, as an Alicorn of Shadow grew in power to do battle with the Pillars of Equestria. Or, so the legends would say. No one would know who he really had been.

I stood inside the still-smoking stones that made up Ponehenge, and slowly clapped.

Ah, yes. Brilliantly done. You especially, Starswirl. I only told you ten times to listen, but no, you just had to let it get this far out of hand. Hmph. For being a genius, you can be almost as stupid as I can. Hopefully someone will come along and knock some sense into your head the next time you see the sun.

…

I’m sorry, Stygian. You don’t deserve the way you’ll be remembered.

I sighed. Screw it. I disappeared again.

…

For the next two months, Equestria breathed a little easier. There hadn’t been a terrifying attack again. Maybe things were getting better! Maybe things were going back to normal! Maybe-

I came home to find Discord in my hall. Discord’s body language became more feral the angrier he got, and right now he would have scared off a pack of wolves just by walking next to the forest.

What’s wrong?

“I read your journal,” he hissed, holding up a slim red volume.

My eyes widened. Oh, buck. Discord, please understand-

He cut me off. “I knew you’d have some excuse! I thought, maybe, just maybe I could be happy. Or find someone to care about me. But…” he opened to a marked page and held it out. “I’m your ‘favorite villain?!!’ I exist so the damn ponies can have a force to balance against?!”

Discord, please, if I can-

“I thought it was bad enough when your precious little ponies treated me like a pariah just for looking different. I thought it was bad enough when Sunbutt declared me a monster. But after all that, to come back here and find that the only reason I exist is because my bucking father wanted me to be a monster… well.” He paused. “I GUESS THAT MEANS I SHOULD BE ONE!!!”

Before I could react, he’d snapped his fingers. He’d used all of his power at once. Which meant if he took me by surprise, even I was screwed.

To my surprise, he hadn’t hurt me, he’d just cast me out of my house and to Equis. I was near the border of Equestria, but …

There was a shimmering barrier that cut off the outside world. My eyes widened. Oh, crap. I slammed into it. It didn’t hurt, but …

I quickly tried teleporting anywhere into Equestria. I couldn’t.

Discord thought I loved Equestrians more than him, so he’d claimed Equestria as his. The huge burst of power he’d used was to seal me outside my creation. Given enough time, I could force my way in, but that would most likely punch a hole in the planet, and he knew that I knew that. I was furious, but I actually laughed. Looks like you’re related to me after all. Maybe I should send you to law school. No, I don’t want to be that cruel…

Whatever you do to them, you’ll pay for. I hope you know that. Not by my hand, but by someone’s.

At that point, all I could do was watch.

…

Discord’s reign of chaos lasted from late Summer to almost the end of the year. I always thought it had lasted years, but he packed as much nastiness as he could into six months.

When it was over, I visited his statue in the Canterlot Gardens. I stroked his cheek. He honestly looked like he was singing or just laughing at the best joke in the world. That just made it worse.

I’m sorry. This path? The one you read about? That wasn’t what I wanted for you. This isn’t what I want for you. It’s true, I created you to add challenge and variety to the lives of ponies, to keep them on their “toes” and unsure of what could be around the corner. To keep them sharp, and remind them that life, with all its dullness, all its sorrow, all its joy, and all its chaos, is beautiful. I wanted you to be a trickster, not a monster. You chose this path, and you chose where it has led you. I could get you out of there, but not without changing the way Harmony works, or worse, changing who you are at your core. I will not do either of those things. You must hate me. I … can’t blame you. When you get out of there, try thinking about what you could have done differently. I hugged him. I couldn’t feel his fur, only cold unchanging stone, and he couldn’t feel me at all. I love you, I whispered. I then did what I always do. I ran away.

…

It was almost the end of the year, when the days are shortest, and the nights are at their longest and their coldest.

Celestia was in a room of the Castle, sobbing quietly.

It feels like you can’t go on, doesn’t it? I asked quietly. You didn’t lose someone you love; you lost a part of yourself. And no matter what you do, you will never be whole again.

“What do you know about loss?!” Celestia shouted. “I have buried my parents, watched as my friends and family have grown old without me, and now I have banished my sister to the moon. I will never see her again!”

I lost a son, I said quietly. You broke his heart, but I did not help him as I should have. Celestia, they are lost, not dead. What is lost can be found again, given time. Celestia looked at me. Write this in your history books and take comfort in it: “On the longest day of the thousandth year, the stars will aid in her escape, and she will bring about nighttime eternal.” That is my gift to you, a prophecy of her return.

“That … thing is not my sister,” Celestia said. “And Discord deserved what he got.”

He deserved to be punished for his crimes, yes. And he has been. I must live with that, as must you. But you deny you were his friend?

“I could never be friends with something like him.”

I sighed. Celestia, you are a wise and benevolent ruler, and a damn good one, but if you believe that Discord did not consider you a friend, and that Nightmare Moon is not your sister, then, frankly … you are an idiot.

Celestia raised a hoof as if to strike me before she brought it down. Taking a shaky breath, she said, “Answer me two questions.”

Gladly.

“Could you have prevented this year? And could you undo it?”

… Yes. But that does not mean I would have, or that I will. If I could undo every mistake, there would be no point in mistakes, or in free will. What happens to us, happens, that is the way of things.

“It doesn’t have to be,” Celestia said quietly.

Yes, it does. Believe me when I say it is for the best that I leave things as they stand.

"GET OUT!!!" Celestia screamed in the Royal Canterlot Voice.

As you wish. When you want to talk again, call me, and I will come.

After that conversation, I went home and cried myself to sleep. I didn’t wake for a month.

I'll see you in a thousand years, kid.

View Online

It had been a few months, but after all Hell broke loose on multiple occasions, I didn’t want to interact with anything. I didn’t want to exist, but I didn’t have a choice. I kept blaming myself. Everything in my castle reminded me of Discord. I hadn’t even thought of what to do with his house, I should probably lock it up.

My castle didn’t synch up with normal time, I could spend a week here, and only an hour would have passed in the outside world, but I didn’t want to experience the reverse of the outside world passing me by in a moment. Even if I did want to sleep forever, I knew I would get sick of that.

I was curled up in bed, anyway, not even bothering to breathe. Apep and Alexis were trying to get my attention, but I just ignored them. They both knew better than to touch me, but I hadn’t known they had magic. I found myself levitating down the hall, still laying down with my blanket wrapped around me. We headed into the kitchen and I was gently tipped into a sitting position and placed on a chair, before Apep wrapped my blanket around me like a burrito. Alexis walked into the room with my phone and a small portable speaker. He plugged the phone in and pulled up a song in my files that always cheered me up, putting it on loop.

https://youtube.com/watch?v=mM3LosM3S1Q

A tarantula crawled up the counter and started batting its head against my hand like a cat. I started to gently pet it.

I wasn’t paying attention, but Alexis had put on a frilly pink apron that read, “KISS THE COOK,” and was busy getting ingredients out of the fridge. Apep walked behind him and wrapped his arms and wings around him, giving him a peck on the back of his neck before nuzzling into his fur. “Hon, I need to make us lunch,” Alexis said, gently pushing Apep away.

I blinked, not sure if I’d heard right. “Hon?!” Are you two a couple now?

The two wolves walked over, holding paws, both with a sheepish smile. To my surprise, Apep was blushing. “Uh, well,” he started to say…

“Eeyup!” Alexis said.

I grinned. Mazel tov!

“You’re not Jewish,” Apep said.

I sighed. Congratulations then. I was kind of hoping you two would wind up together, what gave it the final push?

They looked at each other and in unison said, “Who else is going to date him?”

I guffawed. Alexis then said, “In seriousness, we found out we’re not that different, and we get along very well, we obviously have a lot of the same interests, and we … don’t have a lot of other options,” he said, rubbing the back of his head with a paw as his wings fluffed slightly. “It doesn’t weird you out, does it?”

I took a sip of hot chocolate I materialized and said, “My conscience is dating my id. What’s weird about that? Don’t tell Sigmund though, I’m still flipping him off…” Apep snickered.

About the third time Starcourt played I started playing along like there was a keyboard on the counter in front of me.

“Glad you’re feeling better,” Alexis said with a small smile. “I was worried you were going to hide in your room forever.”

I would have gotten bored of sulking. Eventually. In a decade or two, so might as well start to snap out of it now.

…

I – I don’t think Discord would want me to spend the whole thousand years curled up in bed feeling sorry for myself. At least, I hope he wouldn’t once he gets over this hissy fit, I sighed, screwing my eyes shut. God, I’m a horrible father. I have to wait a thousand years. No more than that, he didn’t show up for a few seasons. I – that’s a long time to not see him.

“You’re over six thousand years old at this point,” Alexis said with a smile. He was frying something. “Shadow of My Life, would you cut some tomatoes, onions, and avocado?”

“Sure,” Apep said as he quickly dashed over.

I facepalmed. Oh, god, you’re doing pet names now?

The two snickered. “Yes, we shall be as nauseatingly adorable as we can,” Apep said, booping his nose against Alexis’s. It really was adorable

I take it back. I hope you get a drawn-out, messy divorce. I realized something. Uh, is he the best one to handle the sharp objects? He is my id.

“I’m not going to use it on anyone!” Apep snapped looking affronted. I sighed in relief. “I’d just talk you into using it on someone,” he said smugly. I groaned.

What are you two making us?

“Smell and tell me,” Alexis said with a grin.

I did. Onion, tomato, avocado, lettuce, toasted bread… I licked my lips as I started to drool. Baaacooonnn, I moaned happily. You’re making us B.L.A.T.s? I asked with a grin.

Alexis set a plate down. “Eat hearty. You need something to eat. It’s been a few weeks.”

I was messily tearing into my sandwich. I don’t need to eat, I pointed out.

“Nice try, but that isn’t go to fly with me,” Alexis said.

Apep grabbed Alexis and licked his face, getting grease and onion smell on it, his wings flaring out. “Babe, I love you. Never stop cooking for me.”

If you two keep this up, I might walk in front of another car, I groaned as I ate.

“You might find someone too,” Alexis said.

NEVER! I shouted. I sighed. Sorry, I don’t want to think about it. Any suggestions as to what I should do for the next thousand years?

“You could get a job…”

As what? The only degree I have is in annoying people.

“Yes, but it is a Ph.D.!” Apep said with a smirk.

Ha, ha, ha.

“You’ll find some way to occupy your time,” Alexis said. “Why don’t you go visit Aleyebraxus? I’m sure she’d like to hear from you.”

I’m not sure the Gallopfreyans would appreciate an unannounced visit…

Alexis picked up a newspaper and lightly whapped me a few times over the head with it. “GO! VISIT! YOUR! FRIENDS! I WILL DRAG YOU THERE BY YOUR TAIL IF I HAVE TO!!!”

I put my paws over my head defensively, too late. All right! All right! I blinked. Where the heck did you get a newspaper?! They haven’t even been invented yet!

Alexis blinked. “Good question.” He glanced at the paper. “Huh. It’s the Canterlot Sun, almost a thousand years from now.”

What?! … Any news I should be aware of?

Alexis glanced at the headline. “Yeah, don’t buy Betamax.”

I already knew that.

“And the Grand Galloping Gala is sea themed that year.”

I’m sure that will be of great use to me at that point. I rubbed my muzzle. I’m somehow winding up with newspapers from the future, I don’t want to know what that could do.

“I wouldn’t worry about it,” Apep said with a grin. “I just found that same day’s paper.” He held it out. The headline read, “QUESADILLA UPRISING!” and a blurry photo showed a gigantic mutant cheese quesadilla consuming a horrified pony. “You’re finding papers from multiple futures, not the future.” I sighed in relief. Apep grinned. “If we’re going back to Gallopfrey, and if they can’t see us coming … can we say hi to the Lord President?”

I grinned back.

We both glanced at Alexis. He shrugged. “I don’t have a problem with it. Try not to get too dangerous.”

And that is how after I spent a good day catching up, the Lord President of Gallopfrey retired to his chambers, only to find them overflowing with Furbies. “Weyan’a!!!!” he shouted in rage. The Furbies quickly disappeared. The President rubbed his muzzle. “How in the world did a being with that many screws loose manage to create an entire universe?” The only response he got was a rain of screws in his bedroom.

I knew that this had Bad Idea written all over it in multiple languages, in all capitals, then highlighted, and underlined twice, but … I still cared. I felt like it was my fault. Maybe it was.

Equis looked peaceful from the moon. Small. And very, very far away.

She knew I’d arrived almost as soon as I set foot on her new home, judging by the fact that thirty seconds later she tried to take my head off with a blast of magic.

“You dare show your face here?!”

I sighed. I warned your sister. And you. You can’t say I didn’t. Hello, fair moon.

Nightmare Moon’s eyes narrowed dangerously. “You call me that now? When I am like this?!”

I shrugged. To me, you will always be the Fair Sister, and the moon is still your domain. You are going through a heck of a goth phase, though, I said with a grin.

“The moon is my prison, not my domain. You sided with Little Miss Sunshine. You are as guilty as she is. When I am freed from here, you will pay with the rest of them.”

I didn’t side with anyone, Nightmare. I’m on my side, not Celestia’s. Not yours, not Discord’s.

Her eyes narrowed. “Can you leave this place?”

I nodded. I can’t take you with me, though. You are a separate creature, and the Elements won’t let you back into Equestria yet.

She chuckled darkly. “Oh, that is all I needed to know. I don’t have to be a separate creature at all. Not once I’m in that useless head of yours…”

My eyes widened. You really DON’T WANT TO – too late, the next thing I saw was Nightmare Moon heading into my head.

…

Nightmare Moon chuckled. Oh, this was too easy…

“I don’t think that foal’s as powerful as he says, or he certainly could have kept me out of-” her eyes widened. “Stars…” she breathed as she looked around her.

Nightmare Moon was no stranger to entering the minds of other creatures, that had been her job when she was that weak-willed Princess, but this…

Thunder rumbled overhead, and she shivered. Stretching in all directions as far as she could see was a featureless, frozen waste. The sky overhead was obscured by churning jet-black clouds, fingers of red lightning darting down to hit at the horizon. The entire place felt sullenly hostile to anything that dared try to live in it.

She was shocked. Most minds, asleep or awake were full of thoughts that were shown as creatures of some sort. They could represent people known to the dreamer, memories, or their fears, hopes, … just about anything. Here … nothing. Just the freezing wind, and a feeling she was trespassing.

She flapped her wings a few times, and took to the air, trying to find something, anything to focus on and conquer, so that she could get off the rock she’d been chained to.

The landscape ahead changed slightly, and she touched down. Icy ground met blackened earth, cracks of reddish-orange lava showing through. The ground was still cold, snow whirling around her, not even melting as it hit the melted rock.

Nightmare Moon was surprised, this time there was something besides the ground and sky. A trio of statues in a brownish-grey rock. She hadn’t seen creatures like this before, they looked a bit like Minotaurs, but without muzzles and horns. They also didn’t have hooves, instead they had five-fingered hands. They were wearing odd clothes and covering their eyes with their hands. She didn’t know what these things were, but they weren’t alive. If they were, she would have been able to tell right away. She supposed they were just scenery.

She kept walking, surprised to find the lava icy under her hooves. After an interminable time, the landscape changed again, this time to an ashen waste. The permanent snow/thunderstorm continued. To Nightmare Moon’s surprise, she spotted light in the distance. Flying towards it, she saw what she thought was a sculpture. It was a large metal triangle 3 times her size, but only the outline. Floating in the center of the space was a white orb, with light shining from it. She touched down in front of it, and it swiveled around to look at her. It was a giant eyeball with an electric blue iris. It seemed to be staring into her soul, and it was marking the parts it didn’t approve of for future use.

That was the last straw. This place was too creepy, and the emptiness was getting to her. She quickly got out.

I was panting heavily. Nightmare Moon grinned. “You were fighting me? I didn’t even feel you.”

I shook my head. Not you. Everything that lives in my head, to keep you alive, in one piece, and sane. It wasn’t easy. You’re welcome. Now, you messed with my mind, allow me to return in kind. GO TO SLEEP. She fought me, but she quickly collapsed.

I sighed. I was mad at her, but …

I considered this an extreme form of violation without permission, but I “walked” into her mind. I wanted to help, if I could.

To my surprise, the world inside her head almost perfectly matched the world outside her head at the moment. I was once again on the moon, Equis hanging overhead. This time, it was glowing almost painfully bright. There was no sun in sight.

“You dare enter my mind?” Nightmare Moon shouted.

I sighed. Guess we’re both hypocrites. Nice mind you’ve got here, more peaceful than mine. You’re not attacking me… I noted with interest.

“I don’t believe I would have any power over you, even in my mind.”

Doesn’t make you any less impressive.

“I AM THE MASTER OF FEAR!!!” Nightmare Moon shouted. “You should be on your knees, begging me for your life!”

My head tilted to the side as I over-processed something. ‘Master’ of Fear? I glanced at her. Nightmare Moon had Mistress of the Night and Feme Fatale vibes in spades. It must have just been a slip of the tongue. I shook my head to clear my thoughts. There’s a stallion who earned that title before you, and he’s slightly more qualified.

“Sombra?! HAH! He’s nothing. We defeated him, remember?”

With the help of your sister and the elements.

Nightmare Moon bared her teeth. “You’ve seen me in combat. I can match any stallion easily. I am better than many of our warriors. Do you really think I couldn’t have taken him alone?”

You could have, I have no doubt. But you both would have died, pointlessly.

“What do you want, Arachnos? To lock me in a nightmare? To punish me for being a ‘Bad Girl?’” she simpered with doe eyes.

I gave a laugh. Drop the sweet girl act. It won’t work.

Nightmare Moon chuckled. “I didn’t think so. So, what will you do, oh Mighty One?”

I sighed. You know those dreams where you wake up, go about your day, and you think you’re awake but you’re still dreaming? Then you wake up again, only you haven’t?

“Of course,” Nightmare Moon scoffed. “Why?”

You’re going to have quite a lot of those.

Nightmare Moon woke up, surprised to find herself in her quarters in Canterlot. She sighed in relief. She’d thought she was back on the moon. She still had troubling dreams about those dark days. She stretched and glanced out the window, admiring the permanent night sky, the picture of her sister’s screaming face on the moon. She donned her armor and set out to conquer a new day. She grinned in satisfaction as she saw her loyal subjects waiting for her orders and her ability to lead. Equestria flourished under her guiding hoof. She was needed, no, wanted. This day was going to be perfect.

I sighed. Nightmare Moon, no, I still thought of her as Luna, looked peaceful, breathing deeply, a serene smile on her face.

Was that cruel of me?

Alexis shrugged. “You did trap her in a never-ending dream for the next thousand years, but … they’re the best dreams she could have. Beats sitting on this rock going crazy.”

“Still probably qualifies as an act of evil, even if you had good intentions,” Apep said. “You know what they say about those…” I nodded. Apep shuddered. “Watching you fight your inner demons, I’m glad I wasn’t a voice in your head when you were with your father. That guy is scary as all get out.”

Not my most cherished memories, no. Anyway, he doesn’t deserve that title, even “glorified sperm donor” sounds too invested. I just happen to unfortunately share 50% of his D.N.A. His other kids aren’t happy to have that “honor” either. Let’s go get something warm to drink, it’s too cold in my mind.

I glanced at Luna’s sleeping form. Feeling theatrical, like always, I bent down and whispered, Goodnight, sweet Prince, and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest! It seemed fitting.

Celestia knew this was foolish, the Everfree had had a reputation of danger and unspecified certain death even when she was a filly. She had no idea why Arachnos would create a slice of the world that went against the rest of the world’s natural rules, or why he seemed to find a dark chaotic wood full of monsters peaceful. She often felt she didn’t know him at all, but … he seemed to care for her. He’d built her a castle so that she could get away from it all, just because he thought she’d like it.

That was where she was heading, the Castle of the Two Sisters as it came to be known had been all but destroyed when she and Luna fought, and she hadn’t returned. It had been too painful, but she wanted to see what could be salvaged.

She crept into the ruined main hall. Her eyes closed in pain. Everything was the same as it had been 50 years ago. The same pieces of rubble in the same places. Perhaps she shouldn’t have come, it –

“It creeps in dusty places…” “None come here but the dust and the broken dreams” “So tall!” “Old, sad…” “Foolish one…” “Is it lost?” “Can we eat it?” “No eating, not the pony-folk.” “Window! It is the one in the window!”

Celestia had excellent hearing and could tell that there were voices coming from the walls and ceiling above her. “Hel- Hello?” she called nervously. The voices were high and whispery and didn’t sound like anything she’d heard before. Her horn lit up and the shadows vanished. She screamed.

Star Spiders. HUNDREDS of them! They recoiled from the sudden light. One dangled in front of her on its thread, looking at her carefully. “Beautiful…” it whispered.

Celestia blinked in surprise. “You … you talk?!!”

Laughter came from all around her. “We always talk, ponies just don’t listen. You must have needed to hear someone here…”

“What are you doing here?”

“We watch for Master. All eyes, watching, waiting… We keep the castle until we are no longer needed. When the ponies return, Master will find new homes for us, until then we tell who visits this place…”

“I … do not believe I will return here for some time. You can stay here. I need to check some things, is that all right?”

“Our webs, your stones. What need have you for our permission?”

“Th-thank you.”

“Beware, Sun Sister. As a dream can become a Nightmare, so a dawn can become a Daybreak. Keep your friends close…” They scuttled away, back into the dark and quiet corners to keep their vigil.

Celestia breathed out slowly. She still wasn’t … overly fond of spiders, but her castle’s new occupants seemed decent.

The first thing she did was check that the Elements were safe. Satisfied that they were, she began gathering some of the personal possessions she’d left behind that were still salvageable after a battle between two demigoddesses and 50 years wear and tear. She stepped outside the castle; the forest seemed almost peaceful. She chuckled. “Well, that could have gone much worse.”

The loud growling nearby informed her that she’d just tempted fate. She turned and saw a massive Timberwolf with glowing purple eyes. It was covered in fungal growths, and its jaws were foaming. Celestia didn’t need to be an expert to see it was sick. She tried backing away slowly. It sprang. She kicked it in the head, breaking off the lower half of its muzzle. She turned and ran.

She then tripped on an exposed root and tumbled to the ground in an undignified heap. She glanced up and saw the Timberwolf looming over her, its head regenerated. Celestia hadn’t aged in some time, but common sense suggested she wouldn’t survive being torn to shreds. She opened her mouth to scream, her horn lighting up, when a massive shape dropped onto the Timberwolf.

This time she did scream, it was a gigantic wolf spider, three times as big as Celestia. The Timberwolf struggled and snapped at the spider, but the spider bit down heavily and began pumping in venom. The wood at the bite turned an ashen grey, which quickly spread throughout the Timberwolf’s body. It fell down and twitched a few times, letting out one last raspy breath as the lights in its eyes flickered out.

The spider walked over to Celestia. She fired a beam of magic at it … which bounced off harmlessly. The spider sighed.

I did just save your life, I snapped. A little appreciation would be nice, rather than having my hair singed off.

“Arachnos?!” Celestia asked in shock.

Do you know any other giant spiders this dashing? I shifted back into my pony form to put her more at ease. Are you all right? If it bit you, I need to give you medical attention immediately instead of bantering.

Celestia shook her head. “I mostly injured my pride and got quite scared.” She gestured at the Timberwolf. “What’s wrong with it?”

I grinned. Nice to see you’re still as sharp as ever. The Everfree is sick. To use a metaphor, it’s attacking its white blood cells, which in most lifeforms means cancer.

“White blood cells?”

I sighed. Ah, yes, I forget we’re still in Ye Darke Olde Dayes. Your body is made up of trillions and trillions of units called cells too small to see. There are many different types of cells that specialize in serving every function your body needs. In your blood are white blood cells, which fight infections and diseases. If your body is attacking them, it means something is quite wrong with you. Timberwolves aren’t dumb dogs, they serve as an extension of the Everfree itself, and guard it from harm. The Everfree is turning them into that, I pointed at the wolf, even if it is unintentionally. Try and picture how sick that means the forest is.

Celestia put the advanced medical knowledge to the side for a moment as she looked at the wolf. “Do you know what’s wrong with it specifically?”

I gave a twisted grin. I know exactly what’s wrong with it, but every time I try to cure it, it fights back. When’s the last time you saw a Timberwolf covered in mushrooms? Timberwolves call it “Heartrot.” If you’re even suspected of having it, you’re exiled from the pack, instantly. It’s a type of Cordyceps that affects only Timberwolves. It grows into your wood and replaces your tissues with itself, slowly, painfully taking you over. It doesn’t stop once you’re dead, that’s just the beginning. It then puppets your infected corpse around looking for other Timberwolves to infect. It’s a horrific way to die, and Timberwolves should be immune to it! I snarled. For Timberwolves to be affected by something like this, the whole forest would have to be rotting, and it isn’t! I groaned, feeling rage bubble up again. I’d been working on this for over a year, and I still hadn’t figured out what was wrong, even after interviewing every kind of creature in the Everfree. It wasn’t fair of me to yell at Celestia for something that wasn’t her fault, though.

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

I let out a slow breath, trying to simmer down. The Everfree doesn’t respond to Pony magic. Thank you for the offer though, it is very appreciated. I can fix this; I just need more time. There is something, actually. I don’t hold political power, never enjoyed the stuff, glad to be rid of it. When you get back, write a law to quarantine the whole Everfree. Nothing gets in, nothing gets out. She nodded. I grinned, showing off rows of sharp teeth. May I walk you to the border?

Celestia quickly nodded. “Please.”

Once she was safely back in Equestria proper, I said, It was nice to see you again. I wish it had been under better circumstances. I- My eyes widened. OH MY GOD!!!! I whinnied in terror. I leapt straight into the air and landed in Celestia’s arms. There was a hissing sound from where I’d been looking.

“WHAT?!” Celestia shouted, trying not to buckle under my weight.

IT’S A GOOSE!!! I screamed hysterically.

Celestia looked. There was indeed a goose. “Is it a monster goose from the forest?”

I shook my head, refusing to break eye contact with the fiend. No, it’s just a regular goose.

“That’s it?!!”

You don’t understand. Geese are manifestations of pure evil from the nethermost realms of the Abyss, intent on destroying all that is non-Goose. You can’t reason with them, you can’t bargain with them, and they will never stop hunting you until you are dead. The goose hissed menacingly and spread its wings, preparing to charge. Celestia rolled her eyes and fired a few shots of magic at it, all but one of which hit. The goose turned around and ran off, honking angrily. You … you saved me! I said in shock.

Celestia dropped me like a sack of potatoes. “You’re all-powerful and you’re afraid of geese?” she teased.

“Afraid” doesn’t cover it. Thank you for that.

Celestia was laughing hysterically, more at the day she’d just had than my seemingly unfounded fear. I wasn’t upset. When she calmed down, she said, “I’m glad to see you again as well. I … I’ve missed you. What have you been up to these past fifty years?”

I shrugged standing up. I don’t change much. I’ve made a few hundred afghans, wandered the world, explored the universe, watched my little ponies grow.

“Are you the one who puts a scarf on Discord’s statue every winter?”

I nodded. I … don’t want him to be cold. I know he can’t feel the cold when he’s in there, I know it’s stupid, I just…

“It makes sense. Did you also put up all those enchantments?” I nodded again. “I’ve never seen a statue that clean, or a statue that magically repels pigeons. What are those things they turn into if they land on him?”

Hacky sacks, I said with a grin. Much more useful and entertaining than pigeons.

“Yes, the guards have invented a game using them. You try and keep them off the ground as long as possible while kicking them back and forth.”

Exactly the point, I said with a pleased nod. I still enjoy making and inventing potions, perhaps I’ll write a book one day.

“I’d read it,” Celestia said with a smile. “I’m thinking of starting a school for the brightest and best in Equestria, what do you think?”

I think that is an excellent idea! You would do well at that, you have a very maternal instinct. Would you teach there?

Celestia’s face fell. “I don’t think I would have the time.”

Oh.

Celestia grinned. “Would you teach there?”

Ha! No. I have no experience with children, and I’m not fit to teach them. What would I even teach?

“You’ve lived through all of history, that qualifies you. You’re well-versed in magic of many kinds, and you know more about the natural world than most Earth Ponies.”

Don’t butter me up, Kay-Kay, you couldn’t afford my salary. I was grinning as I said it. I believe I’ve kept the head of state long enough. What were you even doing sneaking into the Everfree?

“I wanted to recover some of my belongings from the Castle, I – Oh, no, I lost them!”

When you were being chased by the Timberwolf? She nodded. I suppose you would lose everything while fleeing for your life. Oh, except for this, I held out a suitcase. It had all of the belongings she’d taken. I grinned wolfishly.

“How did you-?”

For being so graceful, you’re quite loud while running cross-country in terror. I followed and picked these up. Now get, I believe I entrusted a country to you, and I’d hate for something to happen to it. Till we meet again! I set the suitcase down and disappeared, leaving a Cheshire Cat grin hanging behind for a few seconds.

Celestia simply shook her head with an amused grin before heading back to Canterlot.

Two nights later Celestia was woken by light fireworks outside her window. She rubbed her eyes and glanced down to see a certain liontaur Draconequus beaming up at her. Glowing red written words spelled out “I DID IT!”

“Get up here before the guards find you!” Celestia hissed. She blinked and I was gone.

“Could you spare some hot chocolate?” I asked from behind her, shivering. My voice was quiet and in a more mortal tone.

“Do you even sleep?” Celestia asked, glancing at a nearby clock tower.

“I … try to avoid it. I enjoy it too much, and I get locked in bad dreams. I figured out what’s wrong with the Everfree! The Tree of Harmony was glit – not working. I think Discord did something to it when he took over, to help keep his power working. I fixed it! It’ll take a while, but the Everfree will heal! No more mushroom-zombie wolves! You should still keep ponies out, the Everfree wasn’t supposed to have ponies in it anyway, I-”

“Is this worth waking me up for?”

I blinked. “I thought you’d be happy I figured it out.”

“Not at three in the morning.”

I realized my mistake. “Sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I suppose I’ll have to get rid of this celebration cake then,” I sighed as I held it out.

Celestia smirked. “Do you always carry cake with you?”

“Not always. It’s chocolate,” I said with an evil grin.

“You’re a vile tempter, Arachnos,” Celestia said grimly. “You do know this goes straight to my hips, right?” I’d never had a poker face, so when something accidentally crossed my face, Celestia shouted, “DON’T YOU EVEN!”

I was laughing hysterically. “Quiet! You’re going to wake the whole castle! I don’t want to go to prison!” After a few snickers I said, “You have a nice figure, I wouldn’t worry about it. Are you going to eat this with me or not?”

Celestia nodded. We spent the rest of the morning joking and catching up. As the sun streamed into the room, Celestia said, “So, you’ve forgiven me?”

I shrugged. “Eh, fifty years is a little longer than I can hold a grudge. Well, most grudges. I do expect you to apologize to my son, you hurt him a lot more than you hurt me. You were hurting too, of course.” I sighed. “Everybody hurts. I hate it. I am sorry. About your parents. I never expressed my sympathies at their passing. I only met them a few times, but they were some of the good ones.”

Celestia nodded. “That they were. Why don’t you like the nobility?”

I snorted. “I was raised on the other end of the scale, and don’t like those who look down on others. Having money and huge tracts of land doesn’t make you a better person, just a richer one. Anyway, everyone’s blood is blue until it’s on the outside.” Except Changelings, I thought with a snort. They’re genuinely blue-blooded!

Celestia smirked. “Be grateful you don’t-” she blinked. “When did the sun come up?!”

“Seven thirty-two, right on time,” I said with a proud grin. “I’m eternally grateful for your punctuality. It’s refreshing. I enjoyed that; I haven’t raised the sun in a long time. Mind you, I designed the bloody thing to raise itself. Don’t get me started.”

Celestia started to panic. “What time is it?!!!”

“A little after 8. There’s a rather flustered cute stallion on the other side of your door wondering if it’s rude to wake you this late. I should leave you be, sorry if I’ve thrown off your schedule. See you later!”

I disappeared, and the guard walked into the room. Celestia glanced at him, puzzled. “Cute stallion?”

Some years later I was walking through a seedy district of Mareis. Not intentionally, I’d simply been in Prance for the food. The mares stretched out seductively or leaning against walls and doors dressed to kill informed me as to what kind of business district I was in. There was even the occasional stallion to my surprise. My face was burning, and I mostly stared at the ground. I then crashed into someone.

“Good evening sir!” an older mare called in Prench. “Might I interest you in some company this evening?”

I dusted myself off. “No, thank you, I just wish to go home,” I replied. One of the benefits of being bloody ancient was that I spoke almost every language on Equis. Although languages evolved as well, and I could sound remarkably out of date between visits to other countries.

I glared up at her. “Please, sir, I am no common peddler of flesh. I create a living image of your deepest desire. There is no investment, no drawbacks, simply a night of pleasure.”

“I am not interested in your enchantments, please let me be.”

She put a hoof on my chest. I drew my lips back in a snarl. She lowered her hoof. “Please sir,” she begged. “The image costs nothing, only the use of!”

I sighed. “Fine. Create an image for me, but don’t expect me to pay for it.”

She smiled, nodded, and concentrated, her horn glowing. To my surprise, something did appear.

My eyes widened. Hers opened, and an expression of shock took over her face as she saw my ideal companion for a night of sinfully indulgent pleasure. “Oh, WOW!” I said in amazement, starting to drool. “Look at the size! Look at those curves! Look at the piping! LOOK AT THE CHOCOLATE WORK!”

Standing in front of me in all its delightful, decadent glory was a peanut butter and chocolate cake the size of a large stallion. It was shaped … like a cake. It had some of the most intricate decoration I’d seen outside of Pinterest. It was truly glorious.

I handed the shocked Madame a large sack of coins. “Shut up and take my money,” I sighed in defeat.

“Oh, I see! There is a pony inside the cake, yes?”

My head tilted to the side in confusion. “Why would I want to eat a pony? They don’t taste good, it’s like licking a carpet. Anyway, that’s cannibalism for you.”

“I mean there is a pony waiting to pop out and surprise you for a night of pleasure.”

“Noooo… it’s just a cake. Cake is sacred. I don’t want a ‘night of pleasure’ with a pony, but I’ll take cake any day!”

She sighed and made the cake more tangible.

I grinned wickedly, attached a rope to the cake and began to drag it to my lair. “You’re all mine now…” I whispered lovingly.

The Madame stared in shock as I walked away. “Who on Equis would prefer cake to sex?” she asked.

Maybe it was because I’d been “alive” for so long, but the thousand years didn’t feel as long as it normally did. I kept as busy as I could; making blankets for charities for lost foals, traveling the world, and then traveling the universe, helping where I could. Just taking life one day at a time, really. I worked as a law clerk for about 50 years in an old firm. I enjoyed it, although it was pretty stressful. Towards the end of the millennium I got a job in retail, because shouldn’t every Millennial carry on that tradition? I was fired at the end of my first week, but I’d been surprised I’d lasted that long. I was always polite and respectful, but I couldn’t take crap from customers. I wasn’t planning on being in that job very long, I’d done it to say I had done it, and because I was bored and wanted a change.

The first few centuries were very boring, honestly. The only upside was that I could tell Ponies were heading out of the Dark Ages and helping lead the way for other creatures, which was good, because otherwise I would have hit them upside the head.

It was actually fascinating to watch new technologies being discovered. I let off fireworks in the city where it happened when the printing press was invented, because now books could be mass-manufactured for the general public.

Art improved as well, surprisingly quickly. Shading, perspective, anatomy, color, all the elements that made a picture better that had been drastically improved during the Renaissance on Earth also made leaps and bounds here.

I got to see a Shakespur play in person, during his lifetime. That was an amazing experience. It was a truly great love story. They all died, tragically. Teenagers, am I right?

There was one particular event that stuck out the most in ye bade olde dayes. I’d been minding my own business when glowing runes in a circle appeared around me. Wind started blowing through the room, and I felt like I was being pulled somewhere against my will.

What in the world?!

The next thing I knew I was sucked through the ether and landed in what looked like a wizard’s laboratory. In his basement.

That wasn’t what I was focusing on. I was in my leotaur Draconequus form, and I could see in 360 degrees, at varying angles. I could also feel wings, which I hadn’t had before. I was in sensory overload, so I closed my eyes. And closed my eyes again. After a bit of experimentation, I finally figured out what had happened. Sprouting from my back were four large feathery wings. The feathers were black and white, and …

They had eyes!!! My wings had eyes! I wasn’t sure how many eyes there were but built in between the coverts of each wing were large eyes with black sclera and glowing blue irises.

I opened my main eyes again and took a few deep breaths, trying to get used to my new range of sight. I tried snapping the wings away, but they wouldn’t vanish.

Huh. That’s … new. I would get eldritch angel wings instead of the normal kind, I grumbled. It’s not like I earned them! Anyway, I didn’t hear any bells ringing… I’ve got three pairs of arms and four wings now. I must have really weird back muscles…

I then finally noticed my surroundings. I was inside what looked like a summoning circle, and shackles made of glowing blue light kept each pair of arms together.

OK…

“Heh. Heh. Hee, hee, hee, ah-ha-ha-ha AHHAAHAAHAAHAA!!!!”

Ho, ho, I added.

A wizened unicorn stallion stepped into the light. He was certainly dressed like a wizard. “You’re him, aren’t you?” he asked with a slightly crazed smile that scared me.

Who?

“Arachnos! The Weaver! Creator of Reality!”

Uh … yes? I did NOT like where this was heading.

The grin grew more wicked and terrifying. “Excellent. My name is Midas, I am this kingdom’s greatest mage. I’ve read extensively on you. You may find this hard to believe, but I have bound you firmly to this spot. You cannot leave without my permission. Go ahead, try it.” I found that I was in fact sealed to that spot, no matter how much I struggled against the magic or tried to go around it.

How are you doing this?

“Research. Now, I’ll be happy to let you go, in return for your granting me one wish.”

You’re crazy, I snarled.

“I’m DYING!!!” he shouted. “I have days left. I was lucky to haul my decaying body down here and complete the ritual without collapsing.”

What are you dying of?

“Cancer,” he spat. “I didn’t know I had it until it was too late. Now I have less than a week, the healer thinks.”

Death is part of life, I died, so will you. So will everyone.

“I HAVE BOUND THE CREATOR OF LIFE IN MY BASEMENT! WHAT RIGHT HAS DEATH OVER ME??!!!”

I sighed. I could simply wait here until you’re dead, I certainly have time.

Midas grinned nastily. “If I don’t let you out of there while I’m alive, you’ll stay there forever. You wouldn’t want that, would you?”

I growled. Fine. If it is in my power, I’ll grant your blasted wish. What service may I do you?

Midas actually brightened up like he’d just heard he was actually getting a Hearths’ Warming present this year. He cleared his throat. “I wish to live forever, and to rise above all others as the brightest star in Equis.”

I grinned, showing off too many teeth. Technically, that’s a run-on wish, but I can do that…

The shackles dropped of my wrists and I rubbed the feeling back into them. I bowed hammily. Your wish is my command! I snapped my fingers.

Midas was surprised to find himself floating in space, not anywhere near a planet. “What’s happening?”

Your wish!

The years began to reverse themselves for Midas, his white hair shortening and turning back to its former electric blue color. His scrawny body bulked up with muscle and the skin under his fur became less wrinkled as his fur became a muted blue. The changes were internal as well, and within a minute Midas was no longer a dying elder, but a stallion in his prime.

He kicked his legs in joy, tumbling over before he managed to right himself. “Ha-ha! YES!!! YOUNG!!!” He stopped, and his body spasmed slightly. His tongue lolled out as a burst of pleasure worked through him. “Nnggh! Feels … SO good! Feels warm…” He glanced at me. “What are you doing? Why do I feel so good?”

I grinned wickedly, my new wings unfurling and spreading out. You wished to live forever as the brightest star in Equis. I’m giving you exactly what you asked for.

“What?! Ngggh…” he panted happily. “I … No! NO!!!” he shouted as he realized what I meant.

Too late, even I can’t undo it now. You obviously never heard to be careful what you wish for.

“PLEASE! STOP THIS!!! Uhhh-hmmm… Nggh… Don’t stop!” he moaned in ecstasy as wave after wave of pleasure shot through him.

Cracks appeared in his body and bright light shone through them. I closed all of my eyes and fought back a memory of the last time I’d seen something like that. I could still smell the snow and the blood that wasn’t quite blood.

I opened my eyes and saw that it was almost time. I teleported over a thousand miles away and put on a pair of sunglasses. A distant speck erupted, and soon a white star that was almost close enough to touch appeared, pulsing gently.

I sighed. He couldn’t hear me, but… That was very foolish of you. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure your tale is passed down through the ages. Stories live forever, after all, and that’s what you wanted.

I teleported back to his basement lab and explored the building. He was the only occupant, and it was miles away from the nearest village. Good.

I collected all of his work and notes, placed them neatly in a pile on the floor, and carefully burned his house to the ground. I watched the blaze from a nearby forest. The irises in the eyes on my wings were glowing red. My teeth were drawn back, and I was running claws along the trees, leaving deep cracks. NO ONE will bind me again! I snarled. I then disappeared.

Not that I was obsessively counting down to when Discord would be free, (I would have counted to the day or even the second if I knew it), but I had a rough idea of when things might start leading to the show. If that even happened, since I was about 70% sure this was an alternate universe, although it had followed the script so far.

One century to go! In terms of science and technology, Equis as a whole was at about 1900. The year as measured on Equis was 1,238 A.H. (After Hearths’ Warming). I remembered that cars would be in the future from my TARDIS trip. I was surprised that they chose to use biodiesel instead of oil made of recycled dinosaurs, but that would help keep pollution down, so that was good. Hopefully I wouldn’t have to whack the atmosphere back into shape in a century. The telephone had also been invented, although mail was still preferred, and Celestia still sent dragon-fire mail rather than calling. I could understand why.

I considered learning how to drive, had flashbacks of my death, and decided to stick to walking, public transport, and teleportation. Yeah, I was still afraid of cars. At least I couldn’t die a second time. I’d rather not discuss how I discovered that, it’s embarrassing.

I had a house in the hills of San Franciscolt, with a bedroom for me, a larger bedroom for Alexis and Apep to share, a decent kitchen, and a craft room/library in the attic. I didn’t need a house, I had my realm, but … it was nice to have something in one of my favorite spots in the world that stayed there. I used it as a summer home to hit the beach. I’d built the house a few hundred years ago, when San Franciscolt wasn’t quite a city yet. All I’d had to do was buy a plot of land, which was easy enough. The house was known as “Spider House,” and even though it was in good shape, everyone in San Franciscolt knew it was haunted. The reasons for both should be obvious. I had to remember not to stay in one “alias” for more than a few decades, but that wasn’t too hard.

I was rather surprised that San Franciscolt was like San Francisco in yet another way, it was the starting point of the gay rights movement. This version of Equestria wasn’t quite a Reversed Gender Roles universe, but mares tended to hold more political office, and “coltcuddlers” weren’t exactly welcomed historically.

I wasn’t political enough to attend a protest, but I supported where I could in town council meetings and the like. When ponies realized that the stallions were serious, I dropped by Celestia’s castle. Unexpectedly, of course, like always.

Celestia was startled by my sudden appearance, but luckily, she wasn’t in the middle of an important meeting or in the bath. “Oh, Arachnos, I-” She glanced at my wings. “Those are new…” Celestia hadn’t seen me since before the incident with Midas, although a few years before she had invited me to Hearths’ Warming dinner. We had goose. I wasn’t amused, but it tasted fantastic.

I shrugged. I can’t get rid of them in this form. I understand they can scare other people.

“What can I do for you?”

Are you aware of the movements in San Franciscolt and across the country of coltcuddlers demanding equal rights with straight stallions? Mostly they want protection from discrimination and violence.

She nodded. “I have heard yes. Why?”

I’d like you to write laws granting that protection, as a favor to me and to them. Please, it’s important to me. I haven’t asked for very many favors. I know this will earn you political backlash, but I think it’s the right choice.

Celestia looked at me. “Are you a -?”

Coltcuddler? I asked with a grin. No, but people tend to think I am. I used to be offended, now I just find it funny. I’m asking because I think discrimination against anyone is wrong, and if we can make laws to help prevent it, we should.

Celestia nodded. “I can see your point; I’ll see what I can do. It won’t be overnight; you have to understand that.”

I do. Changing laws can be a lengthy process. There are other groups besides coltcuddlers and fillyfriends I’d like protected as well; it's quite a broad spectrum. May I discuss it with you? If you’re not busy at the moment.

Celestia grinned. “I’m always busy, you know that, but yes. I can spare about an hour for lunch. Would you like some?”

Thank you, that’s very kind of you.

The laws didn’t change overnight, and Celestia did face massive backlash for the laws I’d helped to create, but she agreed that it was the right thing to do and stood by her principles.

Three years later, I was watching the first ever gay pride parade in San Franciscolt. Almost everyone was buzzing with excitement, I was happy to have helped make this possible.

There was a slight downside. In order to be considered indecent on Equis, you had to be wearing clothes that exposed you a bit. Not all clothes were provocative, but some were, and a few of the outfits making their way down the street made me chuckle and avert my eyes. I’d forgotten leather harnesses were a thing.

It was going well until I heard a voice from the sidewalk shout, “FILTH! ABOMINATIONS! PERVERTS OF NATURE! THE WEAVER WILL NOT STAND FOR YOUR DEVIANCE! HE WILL CONDEMN YOU ALL!!!”

I glanced at the source of the shouting and found an older stallion struggling to get through a small police blockade, practically foaming at the mouth. Now, prejudice is just built into some people, and there was nothing I could do about it, but you use MY name to do something like that? That pushed a few of my buttons.

A shadow in the shape of a spider appeared on the sun, a beam of light snapped on and centered itself on the bigot, and a voice spake: Actually, I have no issue whatsoever with this. I do have an issue with what you are doing and would very much appreciate it if you STOPPED RIGHT NOW. Oh, and I know what you did Tuesday.

The stallion whimpered and ran away. I didn’t have the slightest idea what he’d done Tuesday, but everyone does something wrong every day, his just appeared to be pretty bad. I grinned toothily and dispensed with the special effects.

The parade had paused and everypony was staring in shock. The parade then erupted into cheers and several ponies threw their hats into the air. I chuckled. “You’re welcome,” I muttered.

One afternoon years later I was in a science museum in Manehatten and saw a crowd eagerly looking at a presentation a stallion in a lab coat was in the middle of. I joined the back of the crowd. An enormous rectangular machine was behind him, covered in flashing lights, with what looked l like giant tape recorders built into it. A feed of paper was coming out of a small slot.

“Yes, this marvel of science is capable of mathematical operations at speeds much faster, and answers much more accurate than ponies are capable of doing on their own! Because it computes numbers so well, my colleagues and I call it a “computer!” he said proudly. The crowd oohed and awed appreciatively.

I raised a hoof. “Uh, yes?” he said uncertainly.

“Do you have a rough estimate of when we can expect the internet?” I asked.

He blinked. “The what now?”

“Sorry. Something I’m both looking forward to and dreading. Congratulations, by the way, you’ve helped advance science in leaps and bounds, and started to help society in ways you can’t picture yet.”

“Um, thank you,” he said uncertainly.

I walked away, contemplating what the future would bring.

I’d been minding my business when I could feel a magical anomaly opening in Manehatten. I quickly got there and noticed a vortex of storm clouds centered over what appeared to be a portal opening above a skyscraper. Gigantic tentacles were starting to emerge from the portal. Ponies were fleeing the building in terror and crowds were staring in shock. I sighed wearily and ran into the building. I pressed the “Up” elevator button. The elevator dinged open to reveal not the inside of a car, but the inside of a sharp-toothed mouth with a tongue that lolled out. The elevator let out a low growling sound.

Uh, no thanks, I’ll get the next one, I said, frantically pressing the button. The doors shut.

I headed towards the stairs. I opened the door to spot a charred skeleton as flames roared towards the door. I slammed the door shut.

BLOODY ELDER GODS! I roared. I headed out of the building, shapeshifted into a giant spider, and headed up the outside of the building. Think they can just kick a door open into a universe and take over, I grumbled. Well not today Jack!

After a few minutes I made it to the roof, grateful spiders are fast. I was surprised to see a blue phone box parked in a corner. I shapeshifted back into a pony.

“Oh! Weyan’a!” came a voice. I spotted Doctor Whooves.

What’s up, doc? I asked with a grin.

“Some sort of eldritch being is breaking into our universe,” he said.

I can see that. We both waited, the tentacles dangling further down.

“It’s funny,” the Doctor said.

What is?

He laughed. “We seem to get together mostly when the world’s about to end.”

You’d know better than me. Anyway, who else are you going to call?

The being finally spoke. LE͚̝͌͌SSE̪̽R̫̯̍͡ ̻͗F̣̍Ĺ͎̙̕Ȩ̰̓͠SH̫̄E͗͢S,̣͌̏͢ Ý͈̈́ͅÖ͔̹͐U̧͎͆͛R͓̞̓̕ T͕̖̓̿Ḯ̟̜͘M͈̾E͎̍ ̦̙̔̄I̖̋S̮̐ ̤̊OV̡̠͆̚E̛̮͎̽Ṟ͐.̡̿ ͇̃T̩̹͐͠H̨͋E̤͐ ̝̈́AG̣̞̓̔Ě̮ ̉ͅȎ̢F̥͂-̰̿

OI! SQUIDFACE! I shouted. The being stopped, shocked that someone would dare interrupt it. I made this universe, and I’ve put way too much work into it for you to break in and trash the place like some kind of eldritch frat boy! People have died because of you! SO GET THE HELL OFF MY PROPERTY!!!

The being paused. A̜͋Ŗ͓̎̅E̟͌ ̱̝̾̚YŐ̧͙̓Ų̽ Ä́͢͞ͅ ͉̄G͈͑Ǒ̮͜͠D?̧̠̍̈ ̖̋ it asked in a mocking tone.

I don’t know where the surge of confidence came from, but I knew that I could wipe the floor with this jerk, especially if he actually came through.

YES! I shouted.

The nearest tentacle reached down and touched my head. There was the sound of horrified eldritch screaming, the tentacles quickly pulled back into the portal, the portal snapped shut, and life returned to normal.

The Doctor stared at me in shock. “What did you do?!!”

I showed him how “eager” some creatures are to meet beings with gigantic tentacles, I said grimly. Pretty sure I scarred him for life.

“What? I – Oh!” the Doctor said, blushing.

Eeyup. Mind you, anybody who would actually do that is a sucker.

The Doctor winced at the pun. He pointed to the crowds below. “You know, there are creatures down there who are some of the nicest people you could ever meet who would happily grind you into dog food while still alive for a pun that bad.”

I considered it. Really? Wow. That’s ruff.

The Doctor charged towards me screaming at the top of his lungs, tackled me, and we both tumbled off the tallest building in Manehatten. My day was looking up! It’s not every day one of my friends falls for me.

There wasn’t long to go before the thousand years were up, about thirty years. I wasn’t sure of the Mane Six’s exact ages, but I knew they were in their early to mid-twenties when the show started.

I followed Twilight’s family, actually managing to be subtle for once in my life. Shining Armor was a bright and happy baby, but I didn’t know how much older he was than Twilight. At least five years.

There was something unusual that happened before Twilight’s birth was due. I once again got the feeling that there was somewhere I was supposed to be. I both dreaded that feeling and looked forward to it.

This time I was pulled towards the Badlands, and stood on the boarder of Changeling territory, looking at the Hive. Go in there! the feeling nudged, it’s urgent!

I sighed. I knew better than to ignore this when it happened, but I wasn’t exactly eager to visit the Changelings, and I really didn’t want to wind up stranded in the Hive with no magic.

I tried casting a small spell through the boarder. To my surprise, it didn’t dissipate after a few feet. I guess I could still use magic, even near Chrysalis’s throne. I agreed with Discord that that was a pretty far walk, so I turned invisible and teleported. Even invisible I knew I could be spotted, Changelings could sense any emotion, not just love, and I was radiating nervousness.

To my shock, there didn’t seem to be anyling around, and I wasn’t jumped the minute I appeared.

The feeling was leading me around to what I supposed was the back of the Hive, if there was a back of a roughly circular structure. I heard the kind of sniffling that meant someone was trying to cry as quietly as possible.

Sitting on a rock was a Changeling grub, “crying” silently. He was honestly pretty cute, he looked like he was wearing a cocoon with his head and little legs sticking out.

This is where I’m supposed to be? I thought in confusion. I then spotted what was making him cry, his left hoof was split open, blue blood oozing between his pudgy fingers. That had to hurt.

I sighed. Normally I didn’t like children at all, but a grub crying with no one caring tugged at even my frozen heart. I didn’t want to spook him by being invisible, so I changed into how the Changelings pictured me.

In Changeling mythology, I looked strange. I looked almost exactly like the Pony of Shadows, who I still thought of as Stygian, but instead of being made of living shadow, I was made out of soft rainbow fire. My aura whenever I used magic was rainbow colored, so I suppose that’s why I had those colors.

I carefully walked over to the grub.

Hello, I said carefully in Changeish. The grub looked at me in shock. I’m Calbrax, I said with a grin. Changelings didn’t see me as being as kind as other races did. Calbrax meant “devouring fire,” since if you got too close to me, you burned. Can I see that?

He held his hoof out. I touched it and bound it together, getting rid of any infections. Better? He nodded. I ran my hoof up his leg to see if there was any further damage. He twitched and giggled. My eyes narrowed and I grinned. Ticklish, huh?

I picked him up and started tickling his belly. Changeling grubs secreted mucus to help them get around, but I didn’t care. “EEEK!” he squealed, squirming desperately as he started to laugh.

Oh, yes, I am the father of tickle monsters! I proclaimed. He giggled. I didn’t want to assault him with tickles too much, so I stopped soon. I booped his nose. Beep! He laughed again. I thought I saw a thread-thin flash of red, but it was gone in less than a second. Weird.

A voice from inside the Hive startled me so much I nearly dropped him. “THORAX!!! GET BACK IN HERE!”

Huh, his name was Thorax. I placed him on the ground. He looked back at me and whined slightly. I sighed, and gently pushed him towards the entry hole. He’d have to go through while it was still open. Go on, it’ll be OK… He slithered towards the Hive and went inside. I’d turned invisible before anyling could see me. I then teleported away.

Huh. I wonder why I had to do that. That actually felt … good! I could feel that I was grinning like an idiot, I had no idea why.

In my long life I’d made many mistakes and failures, but few made the “My Greatest Failures” list. This did. I was in my realm, knitting and watching What’s Up Doc?, quoting along with my favorite parts. I then dropped my knitting. Oh no! Something was going catastrophically wrong somewhere. Planet-destroying wrong.

I teleported to where the feeling was and found myself looking at Gallopfrey. Green lines of magic encircled the planet, making it look like an illustration of an atom. The Citadel glowed so brightly it hurt to look at. I got down there. I could hear chanting, and the air was so charged with magic my fur stood on end. I walked into a large chamber and saw twelve Time Lord mages collectively casting a spell. The same thing seemed to be happening in the other three cities on Gallopfrey. I saw a sheet of paper; I glanced at it and saw it was an incredibly complicated formula for a spell. I could read and think very quickly.

They couldn’t hear me, but I snarled, OH, YOU IDIOTS!!! At this point, the spell was almost cast, even if I interrupted the casting, it would likely just complete itself. I couldn’t undo it, either. I didn’t know what to do!

Right, preserve what I can. I teleported to the Museum of History. I found what I was looking for in a glass case. It was a small black sphere that looked vaguely technological. It was the Encyclopedia Gallopfreya, and it contained a complete history of the Time Lords and their technology. The case was tricky to unlock, but it’s amazing what you can do with a summoned brick and super strength.

Alarms started blaring. Guards ran into the room. “Halt in the name of - Weyan’a?!!” the lead guard asked in shock. “What are you doing? That’s theft!”

It’s the preservation of a culture, I growled. You’ll be worse than dead in about twenty minutes, so I’m doing what I can. Get out of my way.

He shook his head. “I can’t do that.”

Then you can go sleeping. The guards all passed out, snoring gently.

I was startled, someone was praying to me, for once in my life I could tell. I teleported to where it was. I saw a mother and father mumbling frantic prayers, a small brown foal between them.

Yes? What do you want, there’s no time!!!

They looked up and saw me. “Can you save him?!” the mother asked frantically.

Who?

“Our son! You can’t save all of us, but please, just save one person!”

You aren’t going along with this?

The father shook his head. “This was the President’s idea, and he wouldn’t listen to anyone who pointed out its flaws. Most everyone thinks it’s an amazing idea. We know better.”

I looked at the foal. I’ll save him, I promise. Can you put him to sleep? I don’t want him to see this.

The mother nodded. She picked him up and kissed his forehead. “If you don’t remember anything else, remember that we love you, brave one.” She touched her head to his, and his eyes fluttered closed.

I grabbed him and just ran. I remembered where they kept the TARDISes. I ran in, desperately searching for a way out. One of the TARDISes was unlocked. I ran in and slammed the door closed. I noticed that this was an antique, and a Type 40 as well. I gently set the sleeping foal down and ran to the console. I set the coordinates and took off.

The TARDIS materialized hanging in space. It was close enough to see Gallopfrey with the doors open, but far enough away to hopefully be out of the blast zone. I was frantically casting protection spells on the TARDIS and the foal, there was going to be a hell of a paradox in here soon.

Gallopfrey shimmered and rippled, and slowly faded out of existence. I’d never seen something go so horribly right. What had happened wasn’t what was intended, but it was exactly what they were trying to do. They should have realized that. I slammed the door in disgust.

I turned back to the foal. He had a light brown coat and the beginnings of a spikey mane and was crying quietly in his sleep. I stepped over to him, and gently linked our minds. This was the ultimate invasion of privacy, but I wanted to learn more about who the last remaining Time Lord was. I gently shifted through his memories, trying not to wake him. He was very young, but it seemed that his whole life, he’d defended the weaker and helped everyone he could in any way he could. He also had a decent knack for inventing for being around five, that made me chuckle.

No matter what he’d done, he’d done it to make others better. I planted thoughts in his mind. The title “Doctor” means “wise stallion,” “healer,” or “the stallion who makes people better.” That is what you do, that is who you are, and so that is the title I give you. You’re going to have to do a lot of running to get where you want to go. But it will be fantastic, and so will you. Rest well.

I stood up and sighed. I’m not sure how, but I suppose that could have gone worse in some way…

It was at that point the console exploded.

The TARDIS hurtled through space, the coordinate setter ticking frantically. I ran to try and stop it, but the whole room tilted, and I fell out the door, hanging on by my fingertips. I glanced at where we were headed. I recognized Equestria from the air, and that seemed to be Ponyville. We weren’t traveling in time, just space. The angle of our flight changed, and we swooped over the town.

I heard a bell ringing loudly, looked up, and whimpered, crossing my hindlegs. I was anatomically correct, for no other reason than not to stand out, and Oh, God, why did the schoolhouse have a giant spear on the weathervane?!!! I closed my eyes and concentrated. A switch on the burning console flipped, and we swooped up, the spear narrowly missing my stallionhood. We sailed over the Everfree, and I could tell we were heading down quickly. I half pulled myself up and half slithered back inside. Thankfully the very young Doctor (WHY HADN’T I KNOWN WHO HE WAS?!!!) was no worse for wear, although we were about to crash. I curled around him protectively, and the whole room rumbled and shook as we hit the dirt.

Well, we couldn’t stay in here! I set the ventilators to pull the smoke out and ran from the room, carrying the Doctor on my back. A key on a string appeared around my neck, and the door slammed shut behind us and locked itself.

I concentrated and cast a high-level spell, and the residents of Ponyville forgot about our flight over their town. The crater around the TARDIS was smoking, but the Everfree would heal. Ponies never came into the Everfree unless they desperately needed something, but just to be safe, I folded space around the TARDIS so that it disappeared into a pinch in space. No one but me would be able to get to it. I swayed slightly. Between the adrenaline rush, the surge of extreme emotions, and the massive amounts of magic I’d been doing to keep the Doctor safe, I was going to collapse soon.

I fought through it and struggled towards the town, locating the orphanage. The last time I’d carried an unconscious foal on my back into an orphanage, he’d conquered a kingdom and made ponies’ lives hell. Sombra wasn’t all pony, but neither was the Doctor. I had a feeling the Doctor would be different.

The mare in charge gasped when she saw us. Between pants I said, “I found him in the woods. He doesn’t have any family left. I can’t raise him, and this is a good town for him to grow up in. Can you please take care of him?” I started to buckle under his weight.

She quickly pulled him off of me. “His name’s the Doctor,” I managed to get out.

“Doctor who?” she asked in confusion.

“Doctor Whooves,” I said with a grin. “Anypony going around calling themselves Doctor Who would be silly. He has two hearts, but it’s nothing to worry about. … I have to go,” I said, starting to sway, “I’ll check on him in a while.”

Ignoring her protests, I ran out of the room, and managed to make it back to the Everfree. The world span, and I hit the dirt as everything went black.

I woke up to the sound of a TARDIS humming, and found myself in a Console Room. It was a bit steampunkish, which I loved.

A voice said, “So. Now you know.”

I looked and saw the Doctor, as an adult. I guess he’d found me and brought me in. I’m so sorry! There was nothing I could –

He held a hoof up to silence me. “I don’t hold it against you. I will, for a brief while, but you’ll explain to me what happened. I’ll understand. To spoil things, you’ll actually be a godfather of sorts to me,” he said with a grin. “You’ve been asleep there for twelve hours, and you were mumbling, screaming, and crying in your sleep. I’m sure you’ll need to eat a lot to recharge. I understand you have a castle somewhere out there, but I can’t go there. Is there anywhere else I can take you?”

San Franciscolt, I have a house there. I can find my way from anywhere in the city.

He nodded, pulled a few switches, and the TARDIS made a groaning wheezing sound as we took off. He grinned. “You always make fun of me for driving with the brake on, but it’s stuck that way. So is the Chameleon Circuit. I don’t mind, actually.” The TARDIS thumped. “Here we are. Good luck!”

I nodded. I’ll visit you soon. The present you, I mean. Well, my present. Time travel’s confusing…

“I expect you to!” he yelled as I walked out. The TARDIS took off again.

I sighed and caught a tram to my neighborhood. I was too tired to conjure up food, but I had some bits at Spider House, so that was useful. I went into my favorite all-you-can-eat restaurant and ate as much as I could, which was about twenty double-full plates, to the staff’s shock. I payed them three times as much as it cost to eat there, since no one ate that much. I felt better, but I’d need more rest.

I went back to Spider House, crawled into bed, and passed out. The Doctor had been right, I really was crying in my sleep.

Well, it was Delivery Day. The fate of Equestria hinged on this (and several future) moment(s).

Twilight Velvet was busy giving birth. Night Light was allowed to be in the room with her, but Shining Armor wasn’t. He was busy playing a hoof-held video game in the waiting room. I had so much I wanted to say to him, but that would cause more complications than I wanted to think about. I went back to scraping gum off the wall. I was disguised as a janitor, in 90% of cases that allowed me to infiltrate a building, since most people wouldn’t talk to you.

Eventually a nurse came out. “Shining? Would you like to meet your brother?”

I dropped my tool. Your WHAT NOW?!

Shining headed into the delivery room, I followed invisibly.

Twilight Velvet looked tired, but she was happily holding a swaddled-up foal. The foal looked exactly like Twilight Sparkle, except for the obvious fact he was male. Huh, I thought.

Shining put his forehooves on the bed and peered at the teeny bundle of joy excitedly.

“Well, Shining, this is your brother, Dusk Shine!” Night Light said proudly.

“I promise I’ll be the best big brother ever!” Shining swore proudly.

I laughed and decided I had intruded on this scene enough. I vanished.

So, Dusk is male. That’s not so bad. I wonder if his hopefully friends have been born? It took me a few tries to remember where the Mane Six had been born, but they had all been born, Dusk was the youngest, even if just by a few months. I was rather shocked by the time I was done.

I was hanging in space, my mouth open. The Mane Six are all dudes?!! I asked in shock. I sighed. Well, that’s not too bad. I – My eyes widened. Oh, no. This is horrible! I conjured up what looked like a conspiracy theorist’s mood board. I facepawed. Arrgh! None of my ships work now!!!

Apep popped into existence with a wicked grin. “You know, you could just make them all ga-”

I flicked him away. NO. If I can’t interfere in free will, I’m pretty sure I can’t change somepony’s sexuality.

“Can anybody magically make somepony gay?”

I thought about it. Braeburn, I’m pretty sure, even if he doesn’t mean too. That’ll be interesting to see.

Alexis joined the conversation. “So … what are your ships? Keep in mind you can’t force them to happen!”

I nodded. Well, my OTPs are Fluttercord and Spirax. Everyone else, I’m honestly not sure. I’ve never been sure about Applejack; Pinkie and Cheese Sandwich go together well, and were even a canon couple; I kind of ship Twilight with Sombra, maybe Flash, although the fandom kinda hates that, and I’ve read some really good Discolight fics although I don’t think that would work; Rarity could maybe go with Fancypants, I have no idea; and Rainbow I am torn equally between Soarin And Quibblepants, although he wound up with someone else. Like I said, none of those really work now, unless lots of ponies actually are at least bi, I said with a laugh. Oh, well, it’s their lives, not mine.

The next day I was sitting outside a café in Canterlot, sipping a mug of hot chocolate and reading the paper. The weather was perfect for the next week, the comics were funny, the crossword was challenging enough I couldn’t find the last word, and the stock market was incomprehensible as always, but seemed to be going up.

I sighed. I was worried about Dusk. I was the most like him, I’d always thought, and I didn’t want him to be an antisocial shut in his entire life or wind up with frighteningly bad OCD.

“If only there was some way I could keep an eye on him over his formative years,” I mused. “Without being rightfully arrested for stalking a foal,” I added with an eye roll.

It was then I saw the help wanted ads.

Adder's Fork, Blind-Worm's Sting, & Cherry-Flavored Cola

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I sighed and looked in the mirror. This has bad idea written alllll ooooveeer it…

Staring back at me was an earth pony with blue eyes and a brown mane tied into a ponytail. My fur all over was the same cherry red as my right forehoof, and I had a set of potion flasks for a cutie mark. I was wearing a pair of outdated glasses. I didn’t need them to see, but I felt it added to the character.

I sighed again. I’d been wondering how to solve this, then realized I already had the answer. Time travel still gave me a headache. “OK, your name is Maroon Flask. You grew up in Califoalnia, where you studied potions. You were passing through Canterlot and saw the ad in the paper, and this seemed like the amazing opportunity it is.”

I gave myself the once-over again. “OK. Fur: combed. Mane: Passable. Teeth: brushed. Bowtie: cool. Barebones resumé: in hoof. … Here goes everything. Besides, it’s not like I’ll get the job!” I said with a laugh as I locked my front door. I ducked into an alley and teleported to Canterlot.

I glanced up at Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns. Didn’t you tell Celestia you’d never teach here? Alexis asked from inside my mind.

I nodded. Yes, but that was almost a thousand years ago, and you can change your mind thousands of times in a month. Anyway, maybe I can help Dusk. A job would be good for me, I need something to do. I’m bored. Anyway, like I said, it’s not like I’ll actually get this job, I thought as I pointed to a line of nervous but hopeful applicants stretching out of a door. Any one of them are infinitely more qualified than I am.

Yes, but you’ve been practicing for much longer then they have, Apep thought with a grin.

Yes, I’ll be sure to mention that ‘Maroon Flask’ has been making potions for over a thousand years, I thought with an eye roll.

I seemed to be the last applicant; nobody joined the line behind me. I was finally called up. Celestia’s secretary Raven Inkwell looked at me. She didn’t mean to be rude, but it was obviously the end of a long day and her nerves were frayed. “Name?”

“Maroon Flask.”

She jotted it down. “Resumé?” I passed it over. She didn’t look impressed, but it wasn’t impressive in any way. “Right. Go ahead when you’re ready.”

My nerves catching up with me, I walked in, and I nearly ran away when I saw Celestia sitting at the other end of the room. It was her school, why hadn’t I thought she’d hire the teachers?! I started having a panic attack. This was stupid, there was no way this would work! She’d know what I was right away, and I’d be laughed out of the room.

I took a deep breath. I’d come this far, might as well finish it. I walked over. There were two of the Royal Guard in the corners, presumably as bodyguards. They weren’t glaring at me, that was a start.

Celestia radiated benevolent calm, as always. I couldn’t imagine the strain that not being able to appear upset would cause someone over the centuries. I pushed that thought aside. Job interview. Eye contact!

“Hello, Mr.-?”

“Maroon Flask, Your Highness.”

“Nice to meet you. Why do you want to teach potions at this school?”

I thought about it. To my surprise, my lie had a great deal of truth to it. “The students at this school are the brightest and the best in Equestria. No matter what career path they choose, any of them can influence the world in ways I can’t picture. They can be a force for great good, or great evil. Teaching students with that kind of potential would be a great honor. In my own small way, I’d have helped shape the future of Equestria, and hopefully helped others along the way”

I grinned. “You might have noticed my lack of horn. I’m an earth pony, but I can do things with potions that would impress your top students. Potions are often overlooked as a ‘valid’ form of magic by unicorns, if I can, I’d like to change that. I’d also like to show that not only unicorns can be gifted in their type of magic, but that any creature can. I’ve … got a bit of a chip on my shoulder about that,” I admitted with a grin. “I’m not going to burst into singing I Believe the Children Are Our Future, though,” I said, my grin widening slightly. “I believe it to an extent, but I’m not the bursting into song type. Anyway, I can’t carry a tune.”

Celestia seemed amused, but it was hard to tell under her masterful poker face. “Well, thank you for your honesty. I ask all of the applicants to demonstrate their skills, if that’s all right with you?”

I gave an amused snort. I was being interviewed for a job in her school, and she made it sound like the requirement to show that I knew what I was doing was a personal favor to her. “Of course.”

A simple set of potion ingredients and tools was wheeled out in front of me. “I know it’s a rush, but I can only spare each applicant 5 minutes to make something. If you’re good enough to teach here, you can impress me in that time,” she said with an encouraging smile.

I nodded, and she flipped over a timer on the ground next to her. I glanced at the ingredients my mind whirling. In five minutes, this set would normally make a tooth fixing potion, but …

I first poured in the rainbow and quickly diced the mint leaves. I ground up a dried stag beetle and poured the dust in. Celestia’s head tilted in confusion, I wasn’t following the recipe. Next came lemon rind, a bit of starshine, a crushed pearl, and lastly water from a spring. The mixture fizzed and started to gently pulse with green light. I poured it into a flask and held it out to one of the guards.

He looked uncomfortable. I grinned. “If I was going to poison you, I would have the decency to not do it to your face.” He looked apprehensive, but Celestia nodded and he took a drink. There was a blinding flash of light. There was a loud clattering sound as his armor fell off. When the stars cleared from our eyes, he dropped his spear in surprise. Instead of a grey earth pony, a pegasus was standing in front of me. Aside from the addition of wings and feathers above his horse tail, he looked identical. Growing a large set of wings had burst his armor off of him.

My grin widened. “Sadly, that’s only good for an hour, but if your boss grants you permission, I hear flight is an indescribable experience if you’ve never done it before,” I said glancing at Celestia. “Maybe he could have an hour’s break?”

Celestia chuckled and nodded. “Go for it Bright Shield.”

As he ran out of the room in glee, I shouted, “Remember, that’s 50 minutes and then the wings disappear, so FOR GOD’S SAKE, LAND BEFORE THEN!!!”

The other guard yelped as something scuttled over his hoof. He glanced down and saw a large spider. He raised a hoof to smash it but was shocked as a red blur snatched it away. “Sorry about that,” I said, trying to calm it down. I looked at Celestia. “Thank you for this opportunity. I’m not expecting to get the job when there are so many other, more qualified applicants, but I enjoyed this.” I grabbed a piece of paper and jotted something down. “This is my email address, it’s the best way to reach me and let me down gently. Thank you again.” I gave a quick bow. Taking the spider with me, I walked out of the room.

Celestia grinned. She then began to chuckle, before it turned into hysterical laughter. The remaining guard stared at her in shock. When she’d managed to calm down, she said, “I wondered where you’d been the last few decades, I thought you’d given up on us. I think we’ll both enjoy this, O spider god. With all the years of practice you’ve put in, you’re the most knowledgeable about potions. You as a teacher should be interesting.” Her eyes widened. “Raven!” she called. Her faithful secretary walked into the room. “Make a note that I am setting aside funds for potential lawsuits regarding my new teacher. I don’t think he would cause harm, but he’s a bit accident prone, so better safe than sorry.” Raven nodded. Celestia began to chuckle again.

I stared in shock at the screen. How the – I stopped the swear in time. Did I get the job?!!! There had to be 30 other applicants, and that was on the last day!

Apep leaned on my head and grinned. “You’re going to be a teacher! In a school that combines middle school and high school,” the phrase a demonic snarl. He was smiling as he said it. “I’ve seen your memories of those happy, happy days. There’s no shame in bowing out now and running away to Prance.”

Oh, god… I sighed. You know how stubborn I am. I’ll stick it out. It’s only … 23 or four-ish years. I can put up with it that long, and maybe I won’t even murder my students! I said with a grin. I mean, it would be a good opportunity to learn how to deal with actual, real-life people. I – My eyes widened in horror. Oh, crap! I’m going to have to move to Canterlot! CANTERLOT!!! I screamed at the heavens in rage.

Alexis chuckled. “I’m pretty sure those pompous, upper-class piles of pus will mostly leave you alone. It’s just the parents you have to worry about. You’ve dealt with it before.”

Not for more than twenty years…

“Yes, for over twenty years. Cheer up! You get to mold young minds and show that a subject you love is a valid form of magic, and that earth ponies are as valid as unicorns,” Alexis said encouragingly. “You get to influence an entire generation! Including a pony who will hopefully one day lead Equestria!”

Sure, from 9-11:30 every weekday, Potions 2A from 1:30-3 two days a week, I said with a snort. How does a required class only have one period?!!

“Smaller school, and the students there literally study a bit of everything. There aren’t enough hours in the day for students to take potions twice. Anyway, you have to be at least 14 for 1A so you don’t burn down the school.”

I would never!

Alexis chuckled. “I didn’t mean – Actually, you get scary on Bad Days. Could you rein yourself in?”

… I’ll do my upmost to not cause death, injury or damage to property.

Apep chimed in. “You are the sort of person who would subtly curse someone you don’t like when their back is turned. I’m supposed to encourage that, but … You’re pretending to be an earth pony; you shouldn’t have anywhere near the amount of magic you have.” He thought. “Is there a way you could get rid of your magic, so you don’t misuse it and to blend in?”

I thought. In theory, yes. I snickered. Hark how the bells, all silver bells…

“Ah. I’d forgotten. That’d do it.”

I thought some more. I mean, I couldn’t get rid of all of it. I need it to function, and on some level it keeps the universe ticking. Anyway, if I got rid of my magic, you two wouldn’t be able to physically manifest, and I’m not having you two not driving me crazy for over twenty years, I said with a grin. Where else am I going to find the cutest gay wolf couple in this universe?

“I’M NOT GAY!!!” they both shouted.

My ears drooped. I’m so sorry. I’m still getting used to the idea of you being a couple. Please forgive me.

Alexis folded his arms. He pointed at himself with his tail. “In case you’ve forgotten, I can’t even HAVE – I wouldn’t WANT to anyway; where do you think I got THAT from? I just like him because he makes me laugh and we get along.”

Apep booped Alexis on the nose with his nose. “You might not have any ‘fun bits,’ dear, but you’re great in bed. You’re the best cuddler.”

I might throw up in my mouth. I’m sorry for assuming. If it’s any of my business, what are you two?

“Ace,” Alexis said with a shrug.

“I take after your son,” Apep said.

Ah. So your orientations are “Nope” and “Yes,” in that order.

“Pretty much,” Apep said with a grin.

Again, sorry. Right then. Let’s go get an apartment. I’m assuming you two cuddlesluts will want your own room?

“Yep!” Apep said with a grin.

“Did you have to put it like that?” Alexis groaned.

You two can’t go a night without being in each other’s arms. Anyway, I love threesomes with you guys!

Apep started to die laughing. Alexis sputtered.

The three of us cuddling! I said innocently with an evil grin. What did you think I meant?

“What did I ever do to deserve this?” Alexis groaned.

Apep and I shrugged. You’re cute and fluffy? I suggested. Apep nodded. With that, we headed out.

“So, what do you think?” the realtor asked as I looked at the front of the house. “For your budget and wish list, this is probably the best fit.”

I looked at it carefully. It was a bright yellow with a white picket fence and an overgrown garden and a wrap-around porch that begged for a set of rocking chairs. Lots of big windows, it seemed like a great house. “I was hoping to get an apartment, but this is nice! Can I see the inside?” He nodded and unlocked the door. I let out a whistle. “This is very nice!” I walked from room to room. It was perfect. “This is an amazing house, why is it so cheap?”

He gave a nervous grin. “No one’s lived here for almost twenty years.”

“Why not?”

“Oh, it’s nothing bad!” he said quickly, “People are just superstitious about the address.”

“The address?” I asked in confusion.

“666 Gate Way,” he explained, “The street number is-”

“Grogar’s number,” I finished. “It’s like the 13^th floor of a building, right?”

The realtor nodded. “It’s funny that people are still afraid of a creature of myth who died almost 2,000 years ago.”

“They said Grogar was defeated, but they never said he died,” I said with a grin. I glanced around the house once more. “I’ll take it,” I said firmly. “Let’s go back to your office and draw up the paperwork!”

I had bought a 3-room house and bought furniture and supplies to go in it. The master bedroom was mine; the second bedroom was for Apep and Alexis to share if they wanted to physically exist, and the 3^rd, smallest room was used for storage/crafts/a small library.

Apep and Alexis got a double bed to share because they tended to spend every night cuddling/spooning, and I got a very large bed in case all three of us wanted to spend a night cuddling together. Ponies didn’t wear many clothes, but I moved my scarf and bowtie collections in, and got the necessities for my kitchen, along with a few sofas, a rocking chair, a desk, and a TV and computer.

It didn’t feel homey yet, it just felt like a house with stuff I’d bought in it. It didn’t even feel like my stuff. Before I broke the house in, I had something important to do.

“Hey. So … I live here now. I’m not sure if dis towne is beg enough fer the both o’ us. I’ll be visiting you a lot more. I’m sure you don’t want that, but I will be. I’m sure you still hate me. I can understand that.” I sighed. “God, I would give anything to let you be able to talk back, even if it’s just to scream at me until you’re a little horse like the rest of the city. Heh. I can’t stop making puns even now,” I muttered. “I guess it’s a defense mechanism. Time didn’t go any faster for me than it did for you, but I’m not in my own personal Hell like you are. I forgave you a long time ago, I would have lashed out too, worse than you did. I guess neither of us are fit to handle our emotions well,” I said with a grin. I sighed. “I just want you to know I love you. I still love you. I never stopped loving you, I wish I could convince you of that. I’ll be back tomorrow. I got a job working for Kay-Kay believe it or not. I’ll let you know how it goes. See you soon!”

I got some odd looks for saying what could be interpreted as a love confession to a statue. I shrugged them off. He was my son for God’s sake, looking crazy was worth letting him know I still cared.

Right, I thought, I need to come up with textbooks, lesson plans, and 2 syllabi. I’ve got a lot of work to do, better get started tonight. I’m lucky I don’t need to sleep, I’m a teacher now, I wouldn’t be sleeping anyway… I gave a chuckle. Me. A teacher. Look out world, you’re in trouble now…

My first day of work, my future ~~victims~~ er, I mean students walked down into the basement. Potions was held in a classroom in the basement that looked like it had been turned into a bunker over the years. There was a good reason for that. Chemistry could cause explosions and noxious fumes, but Potions did it much worse when it did. In addition, the effects were magical. Luckily good ventilation had been put in.

They opened the door and saw me standing in front of my desk in a collar and bowtie, although I’d cut the ponytail off. It had been bugging me. I’d try again another time. “Morning!” I said cheerfully. “Come in!”

They filled in, still chatting.

The room was large and well-lit, and was set up like a chemistry lab, with work stations instead of desks, sinks and counters to clean and store supplies, and supply cupboards stretching around the room, along with a supply closet near my desk.

“No assigned seating; just take what’s comfortable. Store your belongings under the back counter in case of accidents, just a habit I want you to get into.” One everyone had gotten set up, I wrote my name on the blackboard in my slightly loopy cursive. “Right! Welcome to Potions 1A. I’m Professor Maroon Flask. The ‘Professor’ is at Celestia’s insistence, but you can call me Maroon or Mr. Flask.” I started walking around the room and handing out the syllabus. “This is the syllabus, I’m assuming you all know how to read, but I’ll be going over it anyway. Beneath that is a waiver that you have to sign because this is a potentially dangerous class. Just take it home and go over it with your parents or guardians and all of you sign it.”

“What if we don’t have a parent or a guardian?” called a voice. The entire class, including me turned to look. A snow-white unicorn with a light grey mane and green eyes slunk slightly in his seat, his face burning. “I live on my own, with some help from the government. I don’t want to talk about it.”

I nodded. “Sorry for prying into your business. Meet me after school in the library on a day that works for you, and I’ll go over it with you.” He nodded. “What’s your name?”

“Mask Note.”

“Nice to meet you. Stay with me after class and we’ll work out a time to meet up. Any other questions or concerns regarding the waiver?” The class was silent. “Going once … going twice … ok then. The first week is just lecture without labs, so the only way you could injure yourself is if your head hits your desk from falling asleep from boredom,” I said with a grin.

“Right, let’s get some ground rules out of the way,” I said as I walked up to the board. “You’ve noticed I’m an Earth Pony, teaching at a School for Gifted Unicorns. I have an excellent grasp of the subject and can teach it without the use of unicorn magic. Any of the three tribes, as well as many other races, can craft potions, and it might be an interesting experiment to perform on your own initiative to see how you do without magic or levitation. If I hear phrases such as ‘Hay Humper,’ ‘Dirt Pony,’ or ‘Muddyhooves,’ even if they’re not directed at me, even if it’s while I pass you in the hall, I will see to it that you’re expelled. The same goes for slurs against Pegasi. Got it?” They nodded. “You’ve also probably noticed the blackboard rather than the smartboard your other classes have. I’m that old-fashioned, but electronic fields can interfere with certain potions, and you do not want to drop your phone in your work, so I will have a stricter ‘no phone’ policy than your other teachers. You get one strike. That’s it. As with Chemistry, no food or drink except bottled water. Bring only the supplies you need for notes or your work out of your bag, in extreme cases we might have to evacuate the room in about a minute, so we’ll be running drills.

“Now that I’ve made myself sound like a monster; I hope you will enjoy this subject as much as I do and learn something as well. If not, you still need to pass it anyway. Sorry, not my rules. I’ll take roll, and then we’ll go over the syllabus and get started!” I said with a wide smile.

I met Mask Note early that week. “Thanks for meeting me, I’m sure you’re busy.”

He shrugged. “A little, but school’s important. It was hard to be accepted here, if I didn’t have a scholarship, I couldn’t go.”

“Well, I’m glad you get to be here, and I hope you find my class not to terrible.” I frowned. “If you don’t mind my asking, I’m kind of worried…”

He sighed. “I ran away from home a few years ago. My situation was … pretty bad. That’s an understatement. I managed to apply for citizenship in Equestria, and I became an emancipated minor. I miss my brothers and sisters a lot, but I hope to never meet my mother again.”

“Thanks. Well, to sum this thing up, it says that you’re taking a class that can have dangerous consequences if you’re not careful, but if you follow directions you should be safe. If an accident occurs and it’s your fault, you give up the right to sue us, but if it’s our fault, you can still sue. I’ll go over each clause with you, and then you can sign it in front of me. Mask Note is kind of an unusual name, isn’t it?”

“So’s Maroon Flask,” he said with a grin.

“Touché.”

“I’m a theater kid, I’m good at singing and putting on different masks.”

“Maybe I can see you in something. OK, the very first part says-”

The first week went well. To my surprise, the students actually seemed interested in the subject. It took me a while to warm up to people, people I didn’t know tended to scare me for a few months, but my coworkers seemed very nice, and each was as passionate about their subject as I was. The school accepted students starting at the age of 8 to the age of 18, and almost all of them went on to college. The school was famous for many of its alumni going on to excel in their chosen fields.

One morning in mid-September I was having my students make a simple sleeping potion. Easy recipe, harmless potion, very unlikely to explode. Unfortunately, there was the “human” equation. I was surveying the students. A grey colt stirred his potion with a look of intense concentration. Once he was satisfied it was stirred, he moved his spoon to place it on the table, taking a quick taste as he did so, not even thinking about it. There was a “THUD” as he hit the floor.

“Oh, good grief.” I dashed over and slapped him awake. He jumped awake with a shout and I pulled him to his hooves. “You cook?” I asked. He looked at me with confusion. “You just tasted your soup or your sauce without thinking about it,” I said with a grin. “It’s a habit of people who cook a lot.”

He nodded. “It’s my talent,” he said, pointing at the cast iron skillet that adorned his flanks.

“Good for you. Right! Everyone!” I called. “That’s a good lesson for all of you! NEVER TASTE A POTION UNLESS YOU’RE 115% CERTAIN IT’S SAFE!!!!” I shouted. “You’re lucky I don’t teach poisons. OK, let’s get back to work!”

The last Friday in October I wrapped up my lecture for my 1A class. “One last thing: do any of you have any food allergies at all?” The class looked at each other and shook their heads.

“Great! See you Monday! Have a great weekend!” The fact that every class my students streaked out the door still kind of hurt, but it was due to intense schedules instead of not liking me. I think. Mostly. Now to plot…

My class was surprised to find the door to my class shut but unlocked and the lights out on Monday morning. One of them flicked the switch. Several students screamed. The room looked like a Halloween store had exploded in it. My desk had somehow been replaced with a casket, which hadn’t been easy or cheap. A projector was sitting on top of it, along with a large screen in the front of the room. The supplies had been carefully packed away. In the front of the room a cauldron simmered with a bubbling lime green liquid that smoked. Plastic cubs were in neat stacks around it, and a ladle stuck out of it. Above the casket a spiderweb spelled out, “Happy Nightmare Night!” Spiders are terrible spellers, so it had taken them 3 tries, but bless them for putting in so much work. Paper ghosts and skeletons hung on streamers from the ceiling, and the walls were splattered with fake blood stickers. What had made everyone scream was the fact that the entire room was crawling with hundreds of harmless spiders. A large constrictor snake lazily slithered across the floor at the back of the room.

The back counter was the second thing to catch everyone’s eye, it was covered in platters. Pumpkin pie, pumpkin bread, roasted pumpkin seeds, rice krispies stuck together with marshmallows, lemon bars, pecan pie bars, a very large worms and dirt cake designed to look like a graveyard, caramel apples, apple pie, the stacks of fall-themed treats were enormous. A sign read, “Spider Bake Sale. All proceeds go to real spiders! ^^” I hadn’t been much of a baker when I was alive, but I’d had a long time to practice, and was … decent. I knew I’d never been one of those astonishing bakers you saw on tv or Pinterest, even with all the practice in the world.

“Well, are you going to take your seats?” I asked from behind my students, making some of them jump since I made no noise when I walked. They stared at my outfit. I wasn’t wearing my glasses, and my face was painted to look like a smiling skull. I was wearing a threadbare blue hoodie with white fur trim over an undershirt that the hoodie was open to show. A pair of pink fuzzy slippers guarded my back feet. “Well?” I asked.

The students quickly got to their seats. The sound of loud farts broke throughout the room. “Heh. Sorry about that, a real weirdo must have put whoopie cushions on some of the seats. Too bad you didn’t look. The spiders are all completely harmless and more afraid of you than you are of them, so just be gentle and please don’t squish them. Same for the snake. Since the week starts on Nightmare Night, I thought we’d do something different today. We’re going to watch a movie.” The class cheered. “Since we won’t likely finish it today, we’ll finish it for class tomorrow.” The class cheered again. “You’ll have to write a two-page essay on it due a week from today.” The class groaned. “Oh, come on! It’s a fun prompt, you’ll like it. Feel free to move around to get snacks but clean up your own messes as best you can, I don’t need the janitor to be any angrier at me for this.” As the students rushed for a sugar high, I fired up the projector. The movie I had didn’t open to its menu, instead I saw an anime version of me as I’d looked as a human wearing an undertaker’s outfit and holding a noose. He appeared to be in the middle of a song. “All you need is a piece of rope, AND TO NEVER GIVE UP HOPE, NEVER CONSIDER SELF-ABUSE, THIS IS HOW YOU TIE A NOOSE!” The projector switched itself off. “Uh, did anyone else see …?” Nobody was looking. When the class was settled with their snacks, I tried again, and the movie started playing. “Right the prompt for the essay is seemingly simple: how to survive a horror movie! Let’s begin…”

The next day was the beginning of November, and I noticed my coat was longer and fluffier. Most ponies grew winter coats, but this level of fluff meant your family was from near the Frozen North, and apparently the family Maroon Flask didn’t have was. Which meant I wouldn’t be very cold in winter, which made me sad, but more distressingly, I was going to shed like crazy in the spring. Great. Oh well.

Apep flew up and switched off the smoke alarm. Alexis and I uncovered our ears. Apep shouted. “THERE! GOT IT!” Alexis hurried off to open windows. Apep landed back down and gave me a look like I’d grown another head. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “OK. I’m only going to ask this once. I’ll regret it, but I have to know. HOW IN GOD’S NAME DID YOU SET A PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH ON FIRE?!!!” He roared, baring his teeth and claws.

I wish I knew…

“You can cook!” he shouted in astonishment, “Like, actual food! How did you DO that?”

I wish I knew… was all I could say again.

Mask Note puzzled me; I wasn’t sure why. He was incredibly personal and kind for a 14-year-old, nearly always had a spring in his step, and the rest of the class had trouble keeping up with him. If this was potions, I dreaded to think how far he was exceling in drama, since that’s where his special talent lay.

But … every time I looked at him, I knew I wasn’t looking at him. That’s the best way I could describe it, like all of him was a projection. Back when I was alive, people joked that I was psychic, because my gut feelings were almost always right. Mask wasn’t hurting anyone, he didn’t read as dangerous, he seemed like a genuinely good person, but he was hiding something. Lord knows how many skeletons I had in my closet, and my entire persona was a lie, so it wasn’t my business to pry, but it itched in the back of my head.

When I finally figured it out, all I could do was laugh.

The teachers took it in rotations to hold detention. This was only my third time, but the fact that I apparently already had a reputation as a ruthless taskmaster warmed my frozen heart.

I only had one student this afternoon, and I couldn’t believe it. Mask was the kind of person for whom “on time” meant “late.” If he didn’t have at least a 4.0 GPA I’d eat my hat, and he avoided conflict like the plague, so …

“How in the world did you get detention?” I asked in an exasperated tone.

He gave a sheepish grin. “I tripped over a paint bucket and wound up covering about half the hall.”

“They gave you detention for that?” I asked in surprise. “If being klutzy is a crime around these parts, I won’t last long.”

“Uhhh … there may have been a fight. With a janitor who didn’t appreciate the mess.”

I sighed. “That’ll do it. Well, you can help me prep ingredients and clean supplies. I’m sure you know to be careful by now. I’ll go get the stuff.” From inside the closet, I called, “Incidentally, do you speak Changeish?” in Changeish.

“Not since I left the Hive,” he replied in Changeish automatically. There was the sound of something dropping and breaking. “Z’irak!” he swore, the Changeling version of the f-bomb.

I walked out, carrying supplies. “Watch your language, please,” I said sternly. Mask had a look of pure terror on his face. “Easy, I’m not going to hurt you or turn you over to S.M.I.L.E. or anything. I don’t care that you’re a Changeling, I just care if you do well in school.”

Mask’s breath was hitching, and his ears were pinned back. “Ho-how did you know?” he managed to get out.

I set down the flasks and ingredients. I smiled. “Well, you didn’t seem … real. No, that’s not putting it right. I don’t really know how to explain it, but I could tell that you were an act. It’s … instinct, I guess. I also knew you weren’t going to harm anyone, so I didn’t see the need to confront you about it. You mentioned a ‘bad home life’ and your mother, but not a father. You don’t appear to have any family looking for you. You’re a talented actor, you’re supernaturally empathetic, and you read people better than I do. You’re very friendly, but you don’t actually have friends, like you don’t want people to get close to you. It honestly clicked when I remembered that you spend your free time trailing after the high-school age students who are in nauseating amounts of love. You’re a rogue, right?” He looked confused. “Sorry, that’s what Chrysalis calls Changelings who run away and never come back. Well, she usually says, ‘traitor,’ but rogue fits better.” He nodded, seeming like the fight or flight instinct was dying down. “Mind if I see the real you?” He looked hesitant. “I promise I’m not going to hurt you, I just know that being stuck in one shape for years can be draining for a Changeling, so I thought you might like to stretch your wings.”

I walked behind him and locked the door. He glanced at me, but all he read of my emotions was good will and curiosity. A flash of green fire later, and a Changeling was in my room. He sagged in relief, buzzing his wings rapidly. His voice had the slight buzzing timbre a Changeling always has. “Ahhhhh…” he practically moaned. “You’re right, that does feel better!” Going off the pitch of his voice, he was still male. Gender was kind of optional for Changelings, but most stuck with what was familiar. Checking between my student’s legs was just wrong. He glanced at me with his slightly alien eyes. “You’re … you’re really fine with the fact I’m a Changeling at a unicorn school!” he said in shock.

I nodded. “I figured you got in here on your own merit. I hope so anyway. Do I have to go looking for Mask Note? Because that would cause problems,” I said in a warning tone.

He quickly shook his head. “No!” he squeaked. “I didn’t copy anypony! I don’t have the resources to keep someone under.” I relaxed. “How do you know so much about Changelings?” he asked in curiosity. “Most ponies don’t know we exist.”

“I’m not exactly a pony,” I said with a grin. Fair’s fair, I said in my “God voice” as Celestia called it. I erupted into a large alicorn stallion made of rainbow fire, grinning at him.

His eyes widened. “Calbrax!” he said in awe.

I could tell where this was going. If you bow to me, I will make you scrub the floor with a toothbrush for your detention, I growled. Twice. I don’t like being bowed to!

“But aren’t you-?”

Yes, I snapped, It’s all, regrettably, true. Doesn’t mean I want special treatment. What’s your actual name?

“M-Mandible!’ he squeaked.

I smiled. Nice to meet you, M-Mandible. To you, I’m Calbrax. To others, I’m Arachnos the Weaver, The Architect of Reality, The Dreaming, Aardan Whose Horns Pierce the Sky, among others, I said, stopping myself in time. I have thousands of names and titles all across the universe, but at the end of the day, I’m really just me.

“And … you’re a teacher?” Mandible asked with a raised brow.

I nodded. I have my reasons, I’m even enjoying it, which is a shock, as long as I avoid the middle-schoolers at all costs. I think this might –

There was a knock on the door, and it opened. Mask Note was shocked to find himself a unicorn again up to his elbows scrubbing out a sudsy cauldron while I was Maroon Flask again. There hadn’t been any time or special effects between the change. A mare peeked into the room.

“Oh, Maroon! I didn’t think you’d wind up with my best student,” she said cheerfully, “How are you two getting along?”

“Fairly well. You’re the drama professor, right?”

She nodded. “Curtain Call, I’m sorry we haven’t met properly…”

“I’m a recluse, it was most likely my fault. Did you have something to tell Mask?”

Curtain nodded, looking crestfallen. “Our pianist has the flu; we might have to cancel!”

“WHAT?!” Mask yelped, almost dropping the cauldron.

“Careful with that!” I hissed.

“Sorry!”

Curtain said, “I know, and we only have two weeks to go!”

I thought about it. “I play piano. Whether I’m any good is for others to judge.”

“Can you learn the score to an entire musical in two weeks?” she said disbelievingly.

“You’d be amazed,” I replied.

“All right,” she sighed, “worst it can do is not work. We meet after school tomorrow. I expect the lead to be there,” she said with a pointed look at Mask. He nodded quickly. “Right then. See you both then!” She walked out.

“You’re the lead?” I asked with a grin.

He nodded sheepishly. He then looked at me. “How did I turn into a pony and you turn into one as well in less than a second?”

I shrugged. “I can make reality roll over and play fetch if I want, I just avoid doing it.” I glared at the door. “I know I locked that…”

“I think there’s a spell that automatically unlocks them if there’s people in a room,” Mandible explained.

“That makes sense.” I glanced at him. “I have quite a few cauldrons to clean, plus prepping ingredients for next week. Do you know cleaning spells, so I don’t keep you here ‘til Tuesday? Do they even teach cleaning spells anymore? I don’t want to do the ‘In my day!’ thing, we’ll be here all day,” I said with a laugh.

“No, not really…”

“Well, let me teach you! That way chores at home will go faster. You just want to be careful, or else you’ll bring your brooms to life and they won’t stop sweeping or fetching water.”

Once I was done, he said, “You’re right, that would make things a lot faster.”

“Mmm-hmm. … I can’t keep a secret or lie to save my life, it’s going to be difficult to not call you Mandible by mistake,” I said with an apologetic grin.

“Well, it’s nice to have someone use my real name, you can use it if we’re alone together.”

I gave a snort. “No one in their right mind would be ‘alone together’ with me. Thanks though. Try not to get detention again for a while.”

Mandible nodded.

I got out a chopping board and a knife as well as a mortar and pestle and got out the ingredients. “Oh, shut up,” I snapped. Mandible gave me a worried look. “Sorry. I talk to myself a lot. My conscience doesn’t like me to handle sharp objects given my track record, but I really shouldn’t chop this stuff with my teeth.”

Once the supplies were cleaned and the ingredients safely stored for later, I said, “Thanks so much for the help, even if you had to. See you tomorrow! Room 2B, right?”

Mandible nodded and walked out.

That afternoon I walked into the drama class. I was impressed, I’d taken drama in middle school, but this was on a different level. The classroom was fully of masks, props, and fliers and posters from various plays, it was a kind of visual candy land for the easily distracted. I stuck my head into room 2C, and practically started to drool. The entire room was a giant wardrobe of costumes, and it was HUGE! Discord came by his love of dress-up from me, that one I knew.

Mask pulled me away. “We’re heading into the auditorium to practice.”

I nodded. Curtain spotted me and handed me a binder of sheet music. “Here’s the piano parts, we’re starting with scene 8 today, so the song is ‘Heart as Dark as Winter.’” I puzzled at the name of the song but flipped to it and began to quickly scan. I got only the piano part, if there were lyrics, I didn’t know them.

When we walked in my jaw dropped. “This is amazing! You guys have an orchestra pit! Do we have an orchestra for plays?!” I asked with a manically wide smile.

Curtain stepped back slightly, before she said, “Often, yes, but this is a new play, so it’s only been written for piano. I don’t expect you to be able to play it today, but if you could-”

I sat down at the piano, whipped open the lid, and played Heart as Dark as Winter. Flawlessly.

Curtain’s mouth fell open. “Are you some sort of prodigy?” she asked weakly.

I shrugged. “I’m most likely off-the-scale genius, but I’m shiftless, I suck at math and science, and I have less than no common sense, so it hasn’t done me much good,” I said with a smirk. “But… I learned piano, finally, and practiced hard enough to be good at it. What’s the name of the play?”

“‘Winter for Grogar,’” Mask supplied, “It’s a musical retelling of Gusty the Great’s overthrow of Grogar.”

“Grogar? Musical?!!” I asked in shock. I glanced at Mask. “And, you’re Grogar?” He nodded. “This I have to see…”

“Is something wrong with the play?” Curtain asked, puzzled by my overreaction.

“No, but somewhere ‘Out There’ quite a few people are laughing at me,” I groaned.

Mask hurried off to get changed. When I saw him in costume, my tail started swishing back and forth slowly and my eyes narrowed. “Passable,” I said, not explaining. I glanced at Curtain. “Please give me my cue when it’s time.”

Once the rehearsal got underway, Curtain nodded at me and I played the opening to the song. When Mask began to sing, I got six notes wrong and then stopped playing, my jaw hitting the floor. Mask trailed off.

“Is there a problem?” Curtain asked sharply.

I shook my head. “No, no! Sorry.” Wow, I muttered softly, switching voices by mistake. I played the intro again. The song and scene went flawlessly.

After the day’s work was done, I went up to Mask and said, “Has your voice finished changing yet?”

He raised an eyebrow. “I’m fourteen,” he deadpanned.

“Sorry, stupid question, you’re right. Umm … you could go very, very far with a voice like that. That’s a serious gift, don’t waste it. You shine when you’re on the stage. You made a good Grogar, and that’s not a compliment I give lightly. I … should go get to work, bye!”

I no sooner got to my classroom than I felt Mask behind me. “Yes?”

He gave me a funny look. “You’re thousands of years old, right?”

I nodded, “Is there a point to that, or are you just going to insult me?”

“Did … you ever meet Grogar?”

I started putting bottles back on the shelves and locking the cabinets. “No, but I knew him quite well.”

“What does that mean?”

“What it means. Anything about him you want to learn from a living fossil?”

“Did he really eat children’s souls?”

“WHAT?!!” I yelled, dropping a bottle which smashed on the counter. A lime green liquid ate through the counter and partway through the floor before it fizzed out. “Thank God that wasn’t anything dangerous,” I sighed in relief. “That’s going to be an interesting talk with Celestia…”

I looked at Mandible. “Grogar was an insane, evil tyrant who made it his mission in life to make everyone else’s life a living hell, but even he had standards! He might smack a kid for being too loud, hyper, or aggravatingly happy, but he’d never actually hurt one! Adults were fair game though…”

“So, what did he like to eat?”

I thought about it. “Pears. He didn’t like them when they were ripe, they had to be crunchy. Ripe fruit’s just mush,” I said with distaste. “Where did you here that he ate children’s souls?!”

Mandible shrugged. “It’s what ponies tell their children apparently.”

“Joy. What do Changelings say about him?”

“We’re honestly a lot more afraid of you, sir.”

“Double joy. That’s all I’ll say for today.” Mandible grinned evilly. “What?”

“Does this mean I can cheat on my history tests off of you?” he oozed.

“Find a different immortal for that. Good thinking, but I’m not going to promote cheating. Now scoot.”

Mandible nodded and headed home.

That evening I couldn’t stop thinking about Grogar. I hadn’t thought about him in years. I sighed and headed into the bathroom to comb my mane. I glanced up. Instead of my reflection, Grogar stood in the mirror, grinning wickedly with his sharp, sharp teeth, evil burning in his red eyes. Before my heart beat again, I’d smashed the mirror as a reflex.

You’re. Dead. I snarled at the ghost of the Father of Monsters.

“Yeesh. That’s bad luck,” Apep commented.

I rolled my eyes. A pair of beat up sneakers landed on the kitchen table, spilling the salt. I walked over to the door, pulled my umbrella out of the stand, opened it, and held it over my head. I teleported into the city, limboed under the first ladder I saw, teleported to the nearest black cat and spent a few minutes petting it, teleported to the woods and trampled on a circle of mushrooms, then popped into an actor’s dressing room on opening night. Good luck with Macbeth! I said cheerfully. The actors screamed in horror as I teleported out. That oughta do it… I spat, winding up back home.

Alexis rubbed my back. “Breathe. It’s ok…”

Perhaps I shouldn’t have tried to jinx myself so badly, because that night I slept, and more importantly, I dreamed…

I was walking on a relatively new planet. I was shaped like I had been when I was human. I hated the way that shape felt, had ever since I’d been born into it, but it was … familiar. I was invisible, but there wasn’t really anybody to see me. There was life, but nothing more intelligent than animals. Although the list of what qualified as “intelligent” life grew shorter and shorter the older I got. Maybe they had it better than we did. Missing the feeling of fur, I shifted into a human-shaped lion and sat in a field, watching the clouds drift overhead.

A soft yipping sound drew my attention. A red fox walked over, giving me curious sniffs. He wasn’t afraid of me, but he didn’t know any better, and I’d gotten along supernaturally well with animals even when I was alive. Becoming a demiurge made them trust me unquestioningly. I scratched the Todd under the chin, earning happy barks. He had the prettiest green eyes. Oh, what the hell, I thought, I guess it was inevitable knowing me…

I reached out and gripped one of the fox’s forepaws. It morphed into something much more like a hand the limb gaining muscle and shifting as well. I stood up, and pulled the fox to his hindpaws as well, his body stretching and shifting. By the time we had both gotten up, I was holding hands with an anthropomorphic red fox, who was a head shorter than me. He was in pretty good shape, and newfound intelligence blazed in his eyes. Instant evolution is probably cheating, but I was there, and so was he, so why not? He wiggled his fingers in amazement, looking further down his new body. His eyes widened, his ears flattened, and he clapped his hands over his crotch, letting out an embarrassed whine.

I chuckled. I waved a paw, and he was wearing a primitive set of pants. I didn’t say a word, I wasn’t sure if he could speak yet…

He opened his mouth. “Kcckk… graaa’k… What … you?” It wasn’t English, or any other language I’d learned, but I was able to understand it, and reply in the same language. Magic rocked.

A friend, I replied.

“Friend?” He was confused.

I’ll teach you. What’s your name?

“No … name…”

Well, let’s find you one, and make sure you’re not the only person here. There’s lots of animals here, I can make others like you. I put an arm around his shoulders and began to walk with him…

My dreams shifted…

A lone stallion struggled through a blizzard; unaware he was being watched. Finally, he came to what he was looking for, a massive stony building that resembled a skull. To his surprise, there were no guards, and the door was open. The inside of the structure resembled a cave that had been carved into a home, but it was dry, and more importantly, it was warm! He spent a few minutes feeling the life flowing back into his bones before he set out, uncertain of where to go. In a large room he saw what looked like a throne against the wall, made of rock carved to look like bones.

As he stared a deep voice behind him made him jump and squeak in surprise. “It’s even less comfortable than it looks, but sometimes aesthetics take precedence…”

He turned and saw a large blue ram with dark blue horns, blood-red eyes, a white mane and goatee, and teeth far sharper than any ram had a right to. He was wearing a large red collar which a large bell hung from. “You – y-you’re – you’re…”

“Grogar,” the ram replied coolly. “Current ruler of Equestria, although some might say ‘tyrant’ is a better word. Apparently, they call me ‘Grogar the Terrible’ behind my back. What brings you to my lair?”

“My name is Silver Blade; I am from the town of Haycart. This blizzard has frozen our crops. I was sent to plead with you to provide food to my people!”

Grogar nodded. “Ah. Yes. I apologize; you’re no use to me dead, and I have no quarrel with your town to make them suffer. I will send food and supplies to them. You are a long way from home, Mr. Blade, and you look half dead. Please spend the night as my guest, I will have food brought and have you shown to your room. We may speak more in the morning, after you are rested.” With that, the evil ram seemed to vanish into thin air.

Silver shivered, although not from cold. Someone cleared the throat politely. He turned and screamed. An animated skeleton in a torn jacket was staring at him eyelessly. “Itttsssaaaliivvviinggg….” The skeleton said in one slow, dry breath. “Follllowwwmeeeesssssirrrr…”

No magic could truly bring back the dead, such feats were on the levels of gods. Necromancy did exist, however, but you only got a crude copy of life. In the best cases, you simply got a servant or a pet out of something’s corpse. In the worst cases, what you made tore you apart before becoming inanimate once again. It was the ultimate taboo in magic, so for Grogar to have animated corpses for staff…

Silver was shown to a comfortable guest room and brought a warm bowl of very good soup, and a large piece of bread, with butter & honey! Such luxuries were beyond the common folk at this point. All the more reason for tonight…

Late that night, Silver crept through the lair. No one seemed to be about, not even the servant who’d shown him to his room. He found Grogar’s room, the ram sprawled out on a large bed, snoring loudly. Making no noise, Silver pulled a dagger from his cloak, raised it above the sleeping tyrant, and …

He was suddenly thrown against the wall. Grogar chuckled darkly. “I don’t sleep much; I tend to have bad dreams. ‘Silver Blade’ is an unusual name for a farmer, but not for an assassin,” he said flatly. He got out of the bed and walked over to Silver, who was pinned to the wall by an invisible force. “I knew what you were coming here for before you did. You told mostly truth, you really are from Haycart, and your village desperately needs food. I’ll keep my word and provide for them. You on the other hoof…”

“Please,” Silver gasped, “Don’t kill me!”

Grogar smiled. “I’m not going to kill you. I’m not even going to harm you. In fact, I’ll make sure you’re well taken care of.”

“T-thank you, my lord.”

Grogar booped Silver on the nose. “Beep, beep, you’re a sheep.”

“What?” Silver blinked in surprise. “I’m not a – aaaaah!” he bleated, his fur and face shifting. He began to shrink. In less than a minute a lamb was against the wall, his cloak having slipped off of him.

Grogar picked him off the wall and began to stroke the frightened thing. “Shh… it’s ok,” he whispered soothingly. Silver was now no more intelligent than an average sheep and had no memories of his former life. Pretenses aside, Grogar knew he was an evil being, but he always kept his word.

Grogar stepped into a shadow and arrived at a farm he’d been to before. When the farmer spotted him, he yelped. “Lord Grogar!”

Grogar held the lamb out. “I’ve brought you a lamb. His wool is of the finest quality, it will fetch you a good price with each shearing. You may have him as a gift, on the condition that you treat him like a prince and allow him to die of natural causes. Preferably old age. I do not want to find out that he wound up in a stew.”

The farmer nodded hastily. “Thank you, my lord!”

Grogar simply nodded and vanished once again.

My dreams shifted yet again.

Grogar stepped out of his lair, red lightning forking down from the permanent storm that surrounded it. An army of unicorns surrounded him, led by a certain Pegasus.

Grogar raised an eyebrow. “So. My little ponies finally grew backbones. Only took you three years to work up the nerve to rebel. But how brave do you truly feel?” A circle of dark magic blasted out of Grogar, hitting every pony around him.

Each pony began to scream, whimper, plead, or go numb as they experienced their worst fears. Gusty shook herself out of it first, and noticed smoking tendrils flowing from each pony into Grogar. “He’s feeding on your fears!” she shouted. “It’s only an illusion! Together we are safe, and we can defeat him!”

“I’d like to see you try,” Grogar scoffed, looking more powerful by the second. Eventually, the ponies rallied themselves out of their fears. “Your move,” Grogar said, without malice or joy. He looked … tired.

“NOW!” Gusty shouted. The assembled unicorns fired a beam of magic stronger than a thousand armies.

When it was done, Grogar applauded slowly. “Excellently done. That’s harmony, something you’ve lacked until now. Unfortunately, all that did was make me angry.” He held out a hoof and a sword made of darkness appeared in it. He threw himself into battle.

Accounts of the battle would inevitably vary, but if you asked Gusty, Grogar seemed interested in simply disabling his enemies in ways that would heal. He didn’t deal a single lethal blow. Gusty had heard stories of Grogar, and of the prize around his neck. She crept up on him, inching closer and closer … until she quickly unhooked the Bewitching Bell from his collar. Grogar’s sword vanished. The storm disappeared almost instantly. Grogar looked around in confusion.

“YOU!” he shouted. He readied himself to fire a blast of power at her. His eyes widened when nothing happened. He tried again. “I’m … … POWERLESS?!” he said. It almost came out as a squeak.

“And I’m not!” Gusty shouted.

With an enraged shout, Gusty the Great used the Bewitching Bell to cast Grogar off a cliff She looked down. Nothing. Without the Bell, Grogar was powerless, and could no longer be a threat. She walked away to find a place to hide the Bell, where no one could find it.

The next thing I knew my alarm was blaring, my dream-memories fading. I sat up and covered my face with my hooves.

Musical… I groaned.

The two weeks passed quickly. Opening night was a huge success. After the last curtain calls, we all walked out, I was trying to slink away. Curtain Call was walking next to Mask, who was still in his Grogar costume and practically glowing. Being able to feed on the support and love of your fans would make acting a rush. He’d been amazing in the role and made Grogar surprisingly sympathetic. When he fell to his death, your heart ached, before you remembered who he was, and cheered that he was dead.

“Nicely done, piano player,” Curtain said with a grin.

“I can’t feel my fingers,” I groaned, trying to rub life into them. “I’m just glad it worked.”

“Well, future plays we should have more than just you to carry us.”

“Future-?”

Curtain smiled. “If you’re willing, I’d like to hire you as the drama club pianist. I’d be a fool not to use something right under my nose. It’s only a little extra pay, and adds to your schedule, but-”

“I’ll do it.”

“Thank you. Right, I think there’s some hot chocolate in the lobby, you’ve earned it.”

I nodded and dashed off.

Curtain slugged Mask’s shoulder playfully. “Way to go, freshman! He’s right you know; you could probably be on Bridleway with your talent and looks. I expect you to keep it up.”

Mask nodded and opened his mouth. There was a sound like the tick of a clock that dragged out and died, and Curtain froze. Mask waved his hoof in front of her face and snapped his fingers a few times. “Professor Curtain?!!”

“She can’t hear you,” a deep voice rumbled. Glowing red eyes shone in the shadows. Mask squeaked as a creature of legend and nightmare stepped into the light. Grogar would have looked a lot more intimidating if he wasn’t holding out a Styrofoam cup of hot chocolate. “Here,” he said, giving it to Mask. “It’s quite good.” He gave a sharp-toothed grin, eyes glinting with wicked mischief. “You did a good job of playing me, and I would not say that to many. The story was almost entirely poetic license, it didn’t happen that way at all. I enjoyed it though. Keep up with your studies, you could rule the world if you wanted to. And for My sake, don’t get detention this week!” Grogar finished with a wicked smile before he dissolved into shadows.

Time started again. I walked back into the room from the lobby, sipping on a cup of chocolate. “I think they put vanilla in this! It’s amazing!” I glanced at Mask. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost!” I said with a smirk.

Hearth’s Warming that year was interesting. I’d been resting in bed when I heard hoofsteps on the roof. They stopped and there was a clanging sound before there was a loud thud downstairs. Now wide awake, I grabbed a metal baseball bat and crept downstairs.

A voice was grumbling, “Someone’s never heard of a chimney sweep…” There was a loud sneeze. I peeked over the stair railing. A stag wearing a soot-covered red suit with white trim was dusting ash off himself. He was wearing a very familiar red hat with white trim and a white pom-pom on the end.

I dropped the bat in surprise, and he glanced up. Nicholai? I asked in shock.

Nicholai stared at me like a deer in headlights. “You can see me?” He blinked. “Wait … Arachnos?! Is that you?”

I nodded. How have you been?

“The job is going well, thank you.”

I’m glad I could give it to you all those years ago.

Nicholai grinned. “No one’s called me by my birth name in years. These days I’m called ‘Santa Hooves.” The job has some nice benefits: immortality, the ability to travel the world in one night, granting wishes.”

I nodded. That lonely scared fawn I found in the snow has turned out very well.

Santa grinned. “Well, you phrased it in a way I couldn’t exactly refuse. I-” The room began to shake.

“Oh, no!” Santa and I said in unison.

There was a scream of, “SAAAANNNNTTTAAAA!!!!” A black bullet knocked into Santa knocking him down.

Apep, get off of him! I snapped.

Apep did, tail wagging furiously. “I haven’t seen you in years! It’s so nice to see you. I’ve been a VERY good boi this year!”

He has, surprisingly enough, I confirmed.

Santa looked nervous. “You didn’t ask me for a thermonuclear smart missile again, did you?”

“That was a joke!” Apep said, looking offended.

Santa sighed and pulled out a book labeled, “The List.” He opened it, flipped through it and found a particular page. “Apep … you made the Nice List. Barely. You asked for … oh, Lord…” Santa glared at Apep. “I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO GIVE THOSE KINDS OF ‘TOYS!’’

Apep shrugged. “What? I’m an adult.”

I felt nauseous. “You two sort it out. I’m going to make you a thermos of cocoa for the road, bring it back in the morning.” Santa nodded.

Alexis had slipped out of bed to join the conversation. “Couldn’t you have asked for a board game?”

“I have needs and wants the same as anyone…”

There was a bit of shouting as I worked, I tuned it out. Let’s see … cinnamon, vanilla, bit of peppermint, whipped cream… I bottled it up.

Here you are! Did you three figure it out?

None of them looked happy, but they nodded.

Then I really don’t want to hear the details. Safe journey, Nicholai!

Santa nodded, took the thermos, and disappeared back up the chimney. There was a decent sized pile of presents for 3 under the tree.

Right! Bed for you two!

The next morning, I glanced at the tree. My Hearth’s Warming tree wasn’t exactly traditional. The ornaments were different festive spider ornaments, ornaments from geeky interests I’d had when I was alive, as well as 3D-printed holiday versions of Ogres and Oubliettes monsters. Not exactly cheery, but very me, and I liked it.

Out of morbid curiosity Alexis and I craned over Apep’s shoulders when he opened his main gift.

“Oh, good grief…” Alexis muttered.

“Well! I’m going to enjoy that…” Apep said.

“Not in our bed you’re not!” Alexis snarled, baring his fangs.

What did you get Alexis?

“Some more painting supplies!”

Great, I look forward to another work to add to your gallery!

Apep grinned. “Let me guess. Books, knitting supplies, and Ogres and Oubliettes stuff?”

Oh, how well you know me!

Alexis sighed. “You know you’re going to have to find an actual group of real-life people to DM for, right?”

I nodded. Yeah … One day. I pulled them into a hug. Happy Hearth’s Warming guys.

It was still Hearth’s Warming break at the school, so I was sitting in the Canterlot Zoo, watching the tigers pacing back and forth. I’d spent entire days just watching the tigers, and I most likely would again. To my shock, my phone rang, the ringtone a remix of Spider Dance from Undertale.

I had two phones, one for my life here, which had a fairly generic ringtone. The one that was ringing, however, had been from my life on Earth, and the number of people who could call it wasn’t very high. I hadn’t even brought that phone with me. I reached into my bag and pulled it out. Instead of a number, the person calling showed up as an emoji version of the Eye of Providence. There wasn’t really a way I could call that back…

“H-hello?”

“Good morning, Mr. Phelps,” came the reply.

“What.”

An image of me appeared in the air before me, mostly translucent like a hologram. “The individual you are now seeing is known by many names and titles. Today is a special day, it is his birthday.”

I thought about the date. “Son of a gun. I forgot my own birthday.”

“Mmm. Yes. Your mission, should you choose to accept it,” the voice on the other end snickered. “I love how they always make it sound like they have a choice.” He cleared his throat. “Your mission is to help this Good Boy have an amazing birthday. Equipment you may find useful has been place at your castle. If you feel a need to dramatically look through photographs and pick the same team members you do every episode, be my guest.”

The voice was familiar, I didn’t know why. “Who is this?!”

“My code name is Smug. We have spoken before.”

I remembered. “At the beginning of the universe, and in ancient Anugypt, right?”

“Yes. Oh, one more thing.” In the tone of voice one would use to sing a funeral dirge, he sang, “Happy Birthday. Happy Birthday. Misery in the air, people dying everywhere. Happy Birthday…” The last note was deep enough it went into a vocal fry.

I started laughing, that was my family’s favorite birthday song.

“Have a good one! I’ll be seeing you soon! This message will boop in ten seconds.”

A spectral hand appeared and booped me on the snoot. I scrunched my muzzle up at the contact. The call ended. I pulled up my phone history, but it hadn’t shown up.

“That’s … weird… Something at my castle, huh?”

I glanced around to make sure that no one was looking and teleported home. Walking into my hall, all I could say was, Good grief. Did Bubble Berry get in here?!

A large banner screamed, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” in Comic Sans. There were so many balloons I could barely see the walls or ceiling. They were all blood red. I pulled one down. In white font, it read, “I ♥ Derry!”

I shuddered. Oh, boy. Please tell me nobody hired Pennywise as my birthday entertainment…

I spotted a note taped to the wall. It read, “Sorry, couldn’t resist. Your home is still 100% Lovecraftian Horror disguised as evil clown free. 😉 P.S. Try the kitchen…”

Feeling nervous, I headed in. There were a few small boxes on the counter, and another note. Opening it, I read, “If I wanted to give you a number of candles equal to your age, your castle would most likely have burned to the ground. Serious fire hazard that, one of the downsides of immortality. Fear not, cake has been provided! Cake is sacred, after all. Praise be to cake. Don’t let Apep and Alexis swipe it off of you. They have their own.”

Inside of one box was a piece of tomato soup cake, and inside the other box was a piece of carrot cake, both with cream cheese frosting.

My favorites! I cheered.

Under the box of carrot cake was yet another note. This is starting to feel like a scavenger hunt… I thought. I unfolded it. I nearly spit out my cake. “Well, if I wanted to do a scavenger hunt, I would have, but that’s more fun with more people. Making you run around and freaking you out by leaving notes that seem to read your mind is much more fun! Bedroom’s next!”

Who IS this guy?! Who can break into my castle when I’m not looking and leave gifts and decorations everywhere?!

Not knowing what to expect I entered my bedroom, a school of fish swimming by the window. There were a few boxes, each with a note attached. The wrapping paper was a festive spider pattern. I opened one at random. Inside were two smaller boxes, a small DVD collection, and what looked like the boxed set of a complete manga. I read the note that went with. “I know you where never really into manga or anime, but you’ll like this one, I promise! Beastars is best stars. Plus, it can’t turn you into a furry, you already ARE one. You’re going to get a crush on the main character, it’s inevitable, he is Best Boi. You’re going to wind up screaming at the two main characters to get over each other and kiss. They can pry Lougosi out of my cold, dead hands. We were robbed.

Oh. Wait. I’m already dead, and my hands are always cold, even when I was alive. Never mind. Just enjoy it.”

OOOOkkkaayyy… I said, feeling like I should back up slowly to get away from the crazy.

The next box had a very large graphics tablet and a book of digital painting tutorials. The note read, “You enjoyed drawing, get back to it! Well, free will, but…”

I blushed when I opened the third and largest box. Inside was an adorable, extremely huggable life-sized plush of Thorax when he was the Changeling King. The note read, “I figured you’d like this better than a body pillow … 😉. There’s a reservation for you for 6:00 at a great seafood restaurant in Manehatten. I suggest you put on a tie.” There was an address.

I wondered out loud, Who could know all this stuff about me?

I spotted a piece of paper sticking out from under my pillow. It read:

“OMNISCIENT - adjective

om·ni·scient | \ äm-ˈni-shənt \

Definition of omniscient:

1: having infinite awareness, understanding, and insight

an omniscient author

the narrator seems an omniscient person who tells us about the characters and their relations

2: possessed of universal or complete knowledge

the omniscient God.”

I snorted at what felt like a joke. Something that had been bugging me in the back of my mind finally clicked. I held up all the notes. This … this is my writing! Except neater. Who’d bother to fake my handwriting?!

There was a distant sound of somebody beating his head against the wall in aggravation at my cluelessness, but I may have imagined it.

Thank you! I shouted, not knowing if Smug or whoever he was could hear me.

That birthday was one of the best I’d had.

The rest of my first year at the school went fairly well, and at the end I walked into my classroom for 2A one sunny summer morning since finals week had a funky schedule. The students were all chattering happily. I sniffed a few times and made a face, seeking out a scent. “What’s that?! Do I detect the disgusting stench of self-esteem and confidence in your abilities?!! ON FINAL DAY?!! Well, we’ll soon fix that!” They knew me well enough to know that I was joking, and a few even laughed. I sat down. “Right If you’ve shown up and even slightly paid attention the last 2 months you know what the assignment is. Get your recipes out, you have 3 hours. Please try not to blow anything up, I don’t want to end my first year by sending one of you home in a mason jar. Clock is ticking!” There was a mad scramble to get supplies and ingredients before they were gone, and they got to work.

After I’d finished cleaning up and locking my room and office, I was surprised to find Celestia staring at me. “Yes?”

“Your first year went well,” she said with a serene smile in the tone of a proud parent.

I nodded. “Nobody died. Thank you for hiring me, am I tarnishing the reputation of your school yet?”

She laughed. “I’ll be the first to let you know if you do.”

“I’m sure. What do you want?”

She looked nervous. “Well, every summer I ask one of the staff here to attend the Grand Galloping Gala, and-”

“And I’m the new guy so I drew the short straw,” I surmised flatly.

“I wouldn’t put it quite like that,” Celestia said, sounding mildly offended.

“The Gala used to be fun! You’d have fire-eaters and sword swallowers, and wild dancing until dawn. Now it’s just sycophants, fawning laughter, and snooty food that’s four pieces to the mouthful.” Celestia blinked in confusion. “I’ll go,” I sighed, “but I’m not exactly ‘high society.’ More ‘high anxiety,’” I said with a snicker.

“You’ll need a tux,” Celestia said.

“What do you take me for? Of course I have a tux! When is it?”

“June eighth at sunset.”

“See you then!”

The dreaded day arrived. All the fancy mares and stallions in their thousand-bit suits and carriages made me feel very out of place, even though I was technically richer than all of them put together. I still thought poor, I guess.

Pulling myself together, I headed in.

The night went all right for the first few hours. It was about what I was expecting at least. Nobody paid any attention to me and walked away with their noses in the air if I tried to talk to them. It really grated on my nerves after a while.

Not sure what to do, I came up to Celestia. “I think I’ll leave early, unless there’s something you need me for.”

“Please stay,” she said with a hint of pleading in her voice. “I’m sure you can find some way to entertain yourself. I sighed and nodded, I owed her that much.

I wandered the halls of the castle. Nobody was really around, but that was fine by me. In the lower levels, I spotted a door that made me pause. I’m going to get in trouble for this. To hell with it… I headed in and closed the door.

Upstairs in the ballroom, the party was droning on when everyone was shocked by slightly creepy music coming from downstairs.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wrqS-BWNQ68&ab_channel=TheHungarianCoverist

“Wh-Where’s that coming from?!” A stallion nickered nervously.

“Downstairs,” a mare replied.

“It must be a demon!” shouted another stallion.

“Let’s drive it out!” shouted yet another.

Celestia was doing her best to bite back a smile, and slightly failing, she knew exactly what that was. She cleared her throat. “I think this bears further investigation!” She pointed dramatically skywards. “Down then!”

The entire Gala rushed downstairs two levels to what was almost the basement. Here the music was much louder. They found the source of the noise behind a door with a plaque next to it that read, “Music room.” The walls were shaking.

A mare glared at Celestia. “What’s behind this door?” she snapped.

Celestia couldn’t help it, the corners of her mouth turned up. “Possibly an organ?” she suggested. She wouldn’t be able to keep it in much longer.

The assembled stallions glanced nervously at each other. Each wanted to be seen as protecting his mare, and nopony wanted to lose face, but nopony wanted to possibly die, so…

“You go first,” a stallion said, shoving another slightly closer.

“Oh, no, no, I insist, you go first,” he replied.

“My company is worth five times what yours is!” the first stallion snapped.

Sensing that this could go on all night, Celestia sighed wearily. “I’ll open the door.”

They got in at about the key change. They stared in shock as I played the organ with a wide grin of evil satisfaction. Dust and plaster were raining down on me, along with the occasional shocked spider. A large red lever attached to the organ labeled, “Do Notte Pull” was firmly in the “On” position.

When the song was done, Celestia applauded.

I turned around. “Whoops. Wow. You, uh, brought the whole party…”

“I think they thought the castle was haunted,” Celestia said with a grin. She pulled the lever back into the off position. “I forgot this thing had a volume control. The sign’s there for a reason,” she said with a slight glare. “I’m surprised you can hear me after that…”

“Sorry?” I said with a nervous grin. There went my job.

She sighed. “Well, I think that’s all the … excitement … I can stand for one evening, thank you for coming everypony, and I hope to see you all next year!”

The nobles were just smart enough to get the hint and trickled out.

I sighed. “I’m fired, aren’t I?”

Celestia shook her head. “No, I appreciate you livening up a dull evening in a safe way, but … I don’t think I can invite you back for a few years.”

“Woe. Agony. I can’t live with that knowledge.”

Celestia chuckled. “It is pretty miserable, isn’t it?” Her eyes narrowed mischievously. “Don’t think you’ve gotten out of it, I will be inviting you back in a few years, so try and show some self-restraint next time. By the way, what song was that?”

“Oh, just one of my favorites from growing up. Good night, your majesty.”

“Good night, Maroon.” She snickered. “You might want to get that suit cleaned…”

I glanced at the mess I’d made. “Possibly,” I said with a grin. “Hope you can take some time to visit us at the school soon!”

“I’ll do my best; it certainly beats holding Court.”

My second year went about the same. Hearts and Hooves Day rolled around in early February, and I felt myself growing nauseous at the amounts of love on display. In the staffroom, I asked Bunsen Burner the Chemistry professor, “I’m feeling pretty sick, do you have any of those heart-shaped antacids with corny messages on them? No, never mind, I hate Pepto Bismol.”

“What’s wrong?” he said, looking confused.

“There’s too much mush in the air,” I said, pointing at a couple rubbing noses in the hall.

Bunsen chuckled. “Don’t you have any romance in you?”

I nodded. “Sure, but I got rid of it.”

“I’ll bet you don’t believe in soulmates either, do you?” Curtain Call asked with a grin.

“No, I definitely believe in those, I’ve seen them. Some people are just made for each other. I’m just an old fart who doesn’t have one. I would have met them by now…” A random spike in my brain chemistry pulled up a relatively recent memory: ‘Oh, yes, I am the father of tickle monsters!’ and a squirming, laughing Changeling.

“Well, luckily you’re heartless, you’ve got detention this afternoon,” Bunsen teased with a grin.

“I’m not heartle- oh, fine! Anyway, what trouble could a bunch of hormone-addled teenagers possibly get up to on a day like today?” What sounded like a battle raging began in the hall, along with horrified gasps and cheers. As the rest of the staff streaked out, I sighed. I shouldn’t have said that…

To my surprise, the fight had been between Mask Note and Forward Pass, the school’s hoofball champion. They’d been patched up by the nurse and were both sitting in my classroom, arms folded, burning a hole into the wall in front of them with their gaze. They were NOT looking at each other.

I was busy pacing. “Of all the idiotic -! You do know you should be getting at least a suspension for calling him that, right?!”

Forward growled. “Why? He is a-”

I cut him off. “Unless you’re talking about a type of kindling, that’s a serious slur, and I’m not going to stand for it, I don’t care HOW many wings your family donates!”

I glared at them. They had one chair in between them, and I noticed something unusual.

Pony body language was similar enough to human body language that I rarely had trouble with it, but ponies had additional limbs to express themselves with, most notedly a tail. “Talking” with your tail was usually not even a conscious thought. My tail tended to swish like a cat’s when I was upset, I managed to calm it down.

Mask and Forward were sitting as far away from each other as possible … except for their tails, which were laying on top of each other over the chair in between them, occasionally flicking with contentment.

Are they … holding tails?! That’s something couples do. Why would he call him that, beat the daylights out of him, and then unconsciously practically cuddle him? Why doesn’t Mandible mind? It clicked. I grinned and chuckled deviously.

The two teens looked up warily. “What?” Forward snapped.

“Pots and kettles,” I said with an evil grin.

“Uh, Professor Flask, what are you-?” Mask started.

I grabbed Forward’s face and examined his pupils. “Mm-hmm.” I put my fingers on his neck.

Forward swatted me away. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

“Taking your pulse.”

“Why?”

“To see how fast your heart’s beating.” I walked over to the shelves and searched. I found a bottle labeled “Hopes & Dreams.”

I pulled a water balloon out of my desk drawer, poured the potion into it, and tied the knot. I glanced up and saw that Mask and Forward were edging towards the door. They froze.

I sighed. “Please understand this is for your own good.” I tossed the water balloon at them.

It exploded, but instead of liquid, smoke poured out. The two coughed. When the smoke cleared, they were surprised. Instead of my classroom, they were in a cozy home. The front door opened and a version of Forward who looked to be in his early forties walked in, setting down a briefcase and unloosening his tie.

“Are we in the future?!” Forward asked in awe.

I laughed. They looked but couldn’t find me. “No. There isn’t a potion for time travel, and even if there was, time travel isn’t something I mess around with. You’re still in my classroom. The Hopes and Dreams potion creates an illusion of your ideal future. It can also be inhaled for the same effect. Two can share the effect, seeing the same future.”

The older Forward called out, “Honey, I’m home!”

Mask’s jaw dropped as an older version of him walked out and nuzzled the other Forward. The real Forward’s face was beet red. He cleared his throat. He grinned. “So, your ideal future is being married to me, huh? Shoulda known you had a crush on me…”

“… This isn’t my ideal future,” Mask replied. Forward’s pupils shrank to pinpricks. Mask grinned. “Is it yours?” he asked.

“Well, it’s certainly not mine!” I called.

Mask’s eyes flashed green for a split second. He chuckled. “Do you think I’m pretty?”

“Yes. WHAT?! NO!”

Mask’s grin became almost predatory. He didn’t currently have fangs, but he was a bug on the hunt. “So … you want to marry me? Are you gay? Is that why you beat me up? You don’t like what you are?”

“No, where’d you get a crazy idea like that?!”

Mask lightly brushed Forward’s mane. “It’s OK,” he said soothingly.

Forward started stammering. “Listen, we don’t have to tell anybody, all right? I’m sorry for what I did. We don’t have to ever talk about this again, I’ll leave you alone for the rest of your life, I’ll pay anything you want, just please-”

Mask leaned in and gently kissed him.

Forward’s eyes widened, his pupils changing to light pink hearts as heart bubbles formed around him. Kid had it bad.

As the kiss ended, the illusion of future domestic bliss faded out and the two found themselves back in my classroom.

Mask grinned smugly. “How was that?”

Forward blinked. “Hurr der werp?!”

I chuckled. “It might take a bit for his brain to reboot…” Forward nodded, blushing furiously. “So, you kissed another male. You’re not any less of a stallion, you’re not broken, you’re not an abomination, you’re just gay. It’s been known to happen. The next time you have an identity crisis severe enough to try and bash someone’s brain in, DON’T LET ME CATCH YOU! You two are in my classroom for detention, and in here, I’m God. You’re both going to write a one-page paper on what you like about the other, and how you both could have handled things differently. After that, you’re free to gallop off into the sunset or whatever. I need some water…” I stalked out.

Forward looked at Mask. “I’m, uh. Sorry. For everything. Teach was right, I was taking how I felt about myself out on you. I had no right to do that.”

Mask grinned wickedly. “That’s ok. You can just date me, and we’ll call it even.”

Forward’s tail starting wagging furiously enough to stir up a breeze.

When I got back inside, I rolled my eyes. “Oh, brother.” I held a textbook above my head and let it drop to the floor. The two students jumped in surprise at the thud. “Detention now, epic make out session later, ok? Start writing, and as always, use proper spelling and grammar.”

As the two pulled out notebooks and pencils, Mask was surprised to hear my voice in his mind. ‘You know you’ll have to tell him what you are if you want to be a serious couple, right? Doesn’t have to be today, or tomorrow, but if you fall in love with him, you owe him that much.’

Mask nodded, figuring I would hear his reply. ‘I know. He’ll probably hate me, but I think you’re right. For now, I just want to savor this.’

‘Well, you two do make a cute couple…’

After the two had left, seeing as it was Hearts and Hooves Day I sighed and pulled my heart out of my body. Nothing, it wasn’t even beating. I’m not heartless, it just got broken one too many times… I put the damn thing back where it belonged.

Early into my third year of teaching, a traveling pony promoting the Harry Trotter series visited the school. To get the younger students interested in the books, he had a genuine Sorting Hat he’d enchanted to act like the real thing.

I was the oldest person in the line to the rest of the staff’s amusement, but I couldn’t resist. After sorting everybody in front of me, I sat down and awaited the verdict.

The hat barely touched my head for half a second before it screamed, “THERAPY! Oh, DEAR GOD, THERAPY!!!!”

The marketing pony quickly yanked it off my head. “I’m so sorry! It’s not supposed to do that, I swear!”

The hat was trembling like a leaf. “It’s so dark … and cold…” it whimpered.

I sighed. “I think it got that right actually,” I said without amusement. “Thanks anyway…” I slid off the stool.

“Oy, vey…” I muttered. “I didn’t need to be told that by a hat!”

That year’s Hearts and Hooves Day, to my surprise, after school Mask and Forward walked into my classroom. Mask was sweating nervously. “C-can you make sure nobody comes in here?” he croaked. “I’m not sure where else to do this…”

I had some idea what might be going on, but I locked the door and disabled the antilocking charm.

Mask took a deep breath and faced Forward. “OK, just remember I’m still me, and I still love you. Try not to freak out too much. Not everybody has to come out of the closet twice,” he joked.

A flash of green fire, and Mask’s disguise fell away. If you’d never seen a Changeling before, they were pretty alien, and you would freak out.

To Forward’s credit, he didn’t freak out or run away, he just asked, “What?!”

Mask sighed. He stuck out a hoof, his leg full of holes. “Hi, Forward. My name’s Mandible, and I’m a Changeling. We’re a pony-like species that can shapeshift and that feeds on love. Almost nobody trusts us, so when we’re not around other Changelings, we live as other creatures. I disagreed with the way my Queen ran things, and ran away from home at a young age, and I’ve been living as Mask Note ever since.” He shifted back into Mask. “I’m also stupid levels in love with you, and I don’t want to lose you. But you need to know who and what I really am…”

Forward took a few moments to process all this. “Can you go back to the other way?” Mandible nodded and did. Forward circled him. “You’re like … a bug alicorn?”

Mandible chuckled. “Basically…” Forward stuck in finger in one of the holes in Mandible’s legs. Mandible squirmed and giggled. “Hey! That always tickles a Changeling, don’t do that without permission.”

Forward chuckled. “You’re pretty cute babe.” A light blue dusted Mandible’s face as he blushed. “So, this is who you really are?” Mandible nodded. “Do you have to hide it?”

Mandible sighed. “It’s for the best, trust me.”

“Well, when it’s just us, you can be yourself. I kind of like it.” Mandible grinned, showing off his fangs. Forward leaned in and kissed him. He blinked. “Huh.”

“What’s wrong?” Mandible asked nervously.

“Nothing, I’m just not going to enjoy a kiss without fangs ever again,” Forward admitted, his face burning. Mandible chuckled. Forward pulled him into a hug and started stroking the fin on his head. “I love you babe, thanks for trusting me this much…” He pulled away. “Can you fly?!” Mandible nodded with a wide grin. “Oh, I’ve gotta see that!”

“Maybe not on school property…” Mandible said with a nervous grin.

I chuckled. “You’ve really grown, Forward, I’m proud of you.”

“Yeah, I guess I have …” He glanced at me. “You knew Mas – uh, Mandible was a Changeling, huh?”

I nodded. “I have for a little over a year, yes. I figure it’s his secret to tell people, not mine. I’ve got secrets of my own,” I said with a mischievous grin. A horn sprouted from my head with rainbow magic surrounding it. I sighed, changing to my other voice. Ironically, I’m the only being in existence with a rainbow aura, and I’m not gay. Surely that should have gone to someone who deserves it more…

“… What … are you?” Forward asked nervously.

Mandible started to speak up. “He’s-”

I’m whatever I want to be, that’s all. Don’t you two have a hot date or something? I asked with a grin. It’s Mush Day.

Mandible chuckled. “You’ve never had a date for Hearts and Hooves Day?”

I haven’t dated in … quite some time. I’m pretty sure the temperature and climate of one version of the afterlife would have to drastically alter before I attempt to do so again… Anyway, get going!

The two dashed off.

That spring, I was surprised to be approached by Celestia. “What can I do for you?”

“We were able to hire a pianist for the drama club. Curtain says you were good, but you probably shouldn’t be working two jobs. That said, I’d like to ask you to open a club. You’ll have to pay for supplies and see about funding for activities, but it can be anything you want!”

“Anything?!” I asked, my eyes lighting up.

Celestia’s eyes widened in horror as she realized what she’d just done. “YOU ARE NOT BUILDING A TORTURE CHAMBER IN THE SCHOOL!”

“OK, that was my second choice,” I said with an eye roll. “Relax, it’s nothing to worry about, there’s no Satanism to blame here!” Celestia looked on in worry as I pronked away with a newfound spring in my step.

Celestia had assigned my new club a room, and she stood outside the door, feeling nervous. “OK, Arachnos, what horrors have you got in store for me this time?” She plastered on a smile and opened the door. “Hey! How’s it… OH, MY GOD!!!”

I hadn’t even noticed her come in. I was staring at a salad bowl full of small plastic objects with a crazed gleam in my eye and a smile that would make Pennywise cross the street. “YYeesssss…” I hissed reverently, “Cllliiiccck cllllaaaccckkks…”

That bowl of dice was one of three, totaling about 2 & 1/2 thousand dice. Ten enormous cabinets along the walls were filled with hundreds of 3D printed miniatures, and a 3D printer was set up with a program to make custom minis, along with a pricing guide. Bookcases held sourcebooks and add-ons along with tactical dry erase maps. There was a banner for each Ogres and Oubliettes Class hanging from the ceiling, and a sign.

The sign read, “RULES:

1. The DM is always right. Anger them not.
2. Murderhobos shall be hunted down and strung up by their intestines.
3. Give everyone at the table a chance to shine, it’s a GROUP activity!
4. Return materials when finished.
5. Deface my books and they’ll never find your remains…
6. HAVE FUN!”

Celestia managed to close her mouth. “You … uh … you don’t teach for the money, do you? How much was all of this?!”

“It’s an investment,” I said with a shrug.

Celestia nodded. “An Ogres and Oubliettes club? I should have thought you’d do something along those lines. I think that’s a good idea, given our usual student population. I just have one request.” She pointed at the rules. “Please make that sound like something that wasn’t written by an ax-murderer!”

I gave a laugh. “Done, Tia…”

It was the last day of school, and my last class of the day was holding their final. As always, advanced potion making was busy brewing.

A student raised a hoof. “Professor Flask? Do I put the porcupine quills in before or after the-?”

I cut him off. “It’s your recipe, you tell me!” He thought for a few seconds, nodded, and went back to work. Thankfully there wasn’t an explosion.

The testing went well, at least until all hell broke loose.

There was some kind of shockwave we felt even in the basement, followed by a MASSIVE magic surge that had all the unicorns in the room gripping their horns in pain and made me go cross-eyed.

“What the Hell was-?!”

The entire school shook in some kind of explosion. Every bottle, flask, and cauldron toppled to the floor and all the potions in the mixed before they began to sizzle. “Oh, BUCK! RUN!!!!” They didn’t need to be told twice. Once all my students were out, I slammed and locked the blast door. I got to demonstrate why it was designed the way it was, something I’d hoped never to do. The hall shook as what sounded like rockets and fireworks went of in my classroom, with lots of flashes of light. Acrid green smoke oozed out from under the crack, but safely dissipated.

I looked at my students with no small amount of alarm. “IS EVERYBODY OK?!!”

They gave themselves the once-over. They nodded. “Oh, thank God. Right, you experience ANYTHING out of the ordinary, run to a magical accidents ER and tell them you were exposed to at least a dozen mixed potions.” I thought quickly, remembering the room before the blast. “OK, you’ve all passed your final. Congratulations! Go celebrate somewhere safe!” They streaked out. I made it up the stairs.

A rather large chunk of the school was missing. “What HAPPENED?!!”

“A dragon!”

“A dragon attacked the school?” I asked in disbelief. No sane dragon would do that.

“No, a student hatched a dragon, and he grew so big he broke the school!”

Oh. It’s been 8 years… The way time worked for me, it was honestly hard to keep track of the rest of the universe. “Are they … alive?” I asked weakly.

“Yes, he’s in Celestia’s office with his family.”

I dashed off. Celestia’s secretary for the school always annoyed me, but I could live with her. I tried the door. “You can’t go in there!” she shouted.

I rolled my eyes, ripped the door off its hinges, and leaned it against the wall so it could be repaired quickly. I stalked into the room.

Dusk Shine and Shining Armor were quite a bit bigger than the last time I’d seen them, but they were eight years older. Celestia had been in the middle of a conversation and was staring at me in shock.

I turned to Dusk’s family. “Hello. Congratulations on being accepted, I look forward to having you in my class in about 6 years. Well, I’m about to be fired actually, so…”

I rounded on Celestia like an enraged hydra. “ARE YOU INSANE?!!! I shouted loudly enough the room shook. “What possessed you to have a child hatch a dragon for his entrance exam? Did you bother to check how strong he was before then?! His levels are off the chart, even I felt that in the basement! My students nearly DIED, half the school is unusable now, and Arachnos knows if parents will let their children back here!”

“I – I’m sorry…” Dusk whimpered.

I turned to him with concern, my anger draining away. “Oh, no, I’m not mad at you at all. You did what was asked of you, and what you did? That was epic. I’m very impressed, which doesn’t happen often. It’s just that some ponies need to remember that sometimes boredom is safer than excitement,” I said with a glare at Celestia. “Is he alive?” I was met with blank looks. “The dragon you hatched? He’s OK?”

“He’s in the next room,” Celestia said softly.

I went to look. In a large and slightly frilly crib was a teeny purple dragon with small green spines. “Hello,” I said softly. Through some miracle, my outburst hadn’t woken him.

The others were right behind me. “I thought … since Dusk hatched him, Dusk should raise him,” Celestia said.

I gave a very horse like snort. “You’re asking a child to raise a child?”

“He’ll have help,” Night Light added quickly.

“Yes, from me too,” I said with finality. “None of you know anything about dragons, and books only help so much.” I grabbed a piece of parchment and scribbled a slightly complex equation. “This is a fireproofing charm; you’re going to want to apply it to everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. He sneezes? Fire. Burps? Fire? Hiccups? Three guesses. A dragon with colic is a nightmare. Dragons can eat and enjoy the same foods ponies do, but they also need gems of varying types for nutrition, it’s why they hoard them. Potions use low-grade gems as ingredients, I buy them wholesale from a dealer, it’s … uh... mostly above-board,” I said quickly with a wary glance at Celestia. “They should serve as food while not breaking your bank.” I scribbled some more. “Here’s my gem dealer, I’ll let him know you’re going to be calling him. I’ll pack up my office when it’s safe to go in, you should have somebody cast a couple of wards over the whole area. Thanks, it was fun while it-”

“Maroon,” Celestia said, snapping me out of it.

“Yes?”

She sighed. “You’re not fired.”

“OH. Well, I guess I’ll have to find a way to disappear once I break out of prison…”

Celestia facehoofed. Hard. “Oh, good grief! You’re not fired, you’re not under arrest!” She sighed. “I did test how powerful Dusk was, yes. I was very intrigued, I wanted to push him to his limits, and he passed with flying colors. You’re right. I didn’t think it through. I should have known better. Are your students OK?”

I nodded. “Through one of those inane miracles that keep cropping up in my life, yes. Is everyone else?”

Celestia nodded. “Yes.” Her mouth turned up in an impish grin. “You are quite possibly the only pony in Equestria who would call me out like that, I … could use that for a bit longer.”

“Hmph. If I’m going to be your conscience on top of everything else, I want a raise.”

“Are you … all right?” Celestia asked in a worried tone. “You haven’t been doing well for a week.”

“Today isn’t a good day for me, it hasn’t been for a while. Good luck gluing the school back together.” With that I took my leave.

Celestia glanced at a calendar. “Oh, stars, I’d forgotten…”

I was in the Royal gardens, slumped down and leaning against the base of Discord’s statue. Hey. It’s me. One of Celestia’s students broke the school today with a surge of wild magic. You’d have found that hysterical. Well, not the part where ponies were in danger, I hope, I’m not sure anymore…

I sniffed, and then tears started to run down my face. There was a clap of thunder and it began to pour rain out of nowhere surprising the entire city.

Happy birthday son…

After Death, Creation

by TheOnlySaneDraconequus

At the end/in the Beginning

Time After Time

"You're next of kin to Chaos..."

"That must have been one heck of a year..."

I'll see you in a thousand years, kid.

Adder's Fork, Blind-Worm's Sting, & Cherry-Flavored Cola