Peak Pony Evolution
It was a wonderful day, perfect in temperature, sunshine, and humidity. Night Breaker hated when it was too humid. Her puffy thestral fur always got extra staticky, and it made her look like a miniature sheep. A long-eared, grey and black, ready to fight sheep.
Still, the weather was perfect, and while her day had been mostly her uneventful norm, the blockage to her normal walking route was certainly going to cause her untold problems.
Night Breaker scowled as she regarded the long line stretching through Ponyville. Dozens of ponies were standing in it, some chatting with their line neighbors, while others stood in silence, enjoying the sunshine. Most were familiar to the small thestral, though a couple were local celebrities. Breaker even caught a glimpse of a tall pony that looked like Princess Celestia, if someone had dumped a pail of black paint over the alicorn. She had caught Breaker’s eyes for a second, and one of her long legs came up to her black splattered lips. She gave Breaker a wink and shush, then turned away, continuing to blend in with the rest of the line. As soon as the line moved forward a step, the black alicorn seemed to vanish into the background, and Breaker wondered vaguely if she was seeing things.
The thestral cleared her head with a good shake, and she spread her wings to fly over the line, only for a red unicorn at the back of the line to stick her head out of line.
“Break!” Strawberry Sweet called out, waving her hoof. “Break over here!”
Night Breaker trotted over to her marefriend, her scowl still present on her face.
“What’s going on here Sweet?” she asked. “Why is half the town blocking the road?”
The unicorn giggled.
“You haven’t heard yet? Don and Twilight have been working on a special project, and today is the day they are testing it out!”
Don was the local human. Night Breaker didn’t know much about him, and the details about how he got to Equestria were sketchy at best. All she had been told was that he had dropped into Princess Twilight’s lap, and after a short adjustment period, the pair had fallen in love. With no obvious way home and a good reason to stay, the effort to send Don back had been abandoned, and the two lived and worked together in Twilight’s castle. Every couple of weeks or so they would come out with some new invention, always sold as being useful to the quality of life of everypony. The statements were mostly true. Mostly.
Sometimes Don would rope Twilight into his mild pranks, nothing nearly as obtrusive as anything Rainbow Dash or Pinkie Pie cooked up, but still bothersome. Night Breaker shuddered at the thought of the hyper-bees incident. So much honey, so many baths.
“So, what is it this time?” she asked Sweet.
The unicorn grinned and her tail waggled.
“It’s some kind of new scale!” she exclaimed.
Night Breaker regarded her with a look of disbelief.
“All of these ponies are in line because of a scale?”
Sweet snorted.
“It’s not just a scale, it’s special. It has new measurements for ponies.”
“Like what?”
Sweet waved her into the line, and since the unicorn was already at the back, Breaker saw no issue joining her. As she stood beside her marefriend, Sweet reached a hoof around her barrel and hugged her tight, nuzzling the top of her head. Breaker let out a squeak and she shot Sweet a glare. The red unicorn giggled.
“Don’t give me that look, you know you love it.”
“In private,” the thestral hissed in reply. “Not in public where my reputation could be compromised.”
Sweet rolled her eyes, but she didn’t remove her hoof, and Breaker didn’t make her. She did really love the feeling of her marefriend so close. Doing her best to suppress a blush, Breaker turned their focus back to the subject at hand.
“So this scale, what does it measure?”
The line inched forward.
“Well,” Sweet answered. “from what I’ve heard, there are three classifications for pony cuteness.”
“It weighs cuteness,” Night Breaker echoed in a deadpan tone.
If Sweet heard her dour comment, she chose to ignore the negative nature of it, and instead answered her with enthusiasm.
“Yep! Carrot Top said that it weighs fluffiness, size, weight, and style. The four categories she said they have are Pon, which is for average ponies. Basically, everyone who’s cute, but not Fluttershy cute.”
Night Breaker smiled faintly.
“She is cute, so soft and fluffy.”
Sweet nodded in agreement.
“Fluttershy cute is Cute Pon. Then there’s Chonk, which is for ponies that are a bit heavier, but are still really cute, like Princess Luna or Princess Twilight.”
Night Breaker frowned slightly.
“Isn’t that calling them fat?”
Sweet shrugged.
“I don’t know, Princess Luna seemed pretty happy with her results when she flew by earlier. I don’t think it means chunky, just a more full kind of adorable.”
Both mares stood in silence for a moment, then Sweet shrugged.
“I think it’s a compliment.”
“I guess,” Night Breaker agreed. “But what about Princess Celestia? She’s bigger than any other princess.”
Sweet giggled.
“I dare you to talk to Princess Celestia and call her cute. She’s beautiful, elegant. Sure she’s large, but she doesn’t have those little adorable qualities like Princess Twilight or Princess Luna. Carrot top said that she’s part of the third category; the Beauts. They aren’t particularly cute, but they’re really pretty and everypony looks up to them. They’re…” she frowned in concentration, then stomped her hoof and smiled. “regal!”
“Princess, get out of line! Changing your fur color won’t change the results!” Don shouted. “If you come back here again, you’re not getting sugar cubes when you come to visit!”
Night Breaker’s ears flicked as she watched the black painted alicorn take to the air. Absently, she asked;
“So where do you think we’ll fall?”
Sweet shrugged as the line inched forward again.
“We’re probably Pons. Neither of us are particularly big, especially not you.”
“Hey!” Breaker protested.
“What?” Sweet replied with a smile. “I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, but you’re a full head shorter than everypony. You have to puff your fur out just to look bigger!”
She nuzzled the top of Breaker’s head again.
“It’s not a bad thing my fluffy little angel, it just means you’re a small pony.”
She giggled as Night Breaker scrunched up her muzzle in an effort to get mad. Another nuzzle broke the angry look and provoked a light moan from the thestral.
“My extra cute little marefriend,” Sweet teased. “Positively adorable. I bet if you didn’t beat up every stallion who called you cute, you’d have the reputation for the cutest pony in town, not Fluttershy.”
Sweet tapped her chin.
“That makes me think though, maybe you’ll be a cute pon. I don’t think the scale weighs reputation, just physical cuteness.”
Night Breaker opened her mouth to protest, but Sweet nuzzled her again, drawing out a louder moan and a heavy blush.
“Look at my little compensator,” Sweet continued. “Gonna be the talk of Ponyville with her cute pon status.”
Night Breaker gently pushed her marefriend away and blushed.
“I’m not cute,” she grumbled.
Sweet smiled.
“You say that, but I think we both know you’re lying…”
They fell into a comfortable silence as they continued waiting. Sweet stopped her teasing, always knowing just when to stop to keep Night Breaker from becoming too flustered. She was good like that, always teasing a prodding Night Breaker, but never crossing the line. Night Breaker checked all directions before giving Sweet a quick nuzzle. The unicorn clicked her tongue and smiled, but said nothing.
The line inched forward fairly quickly, and it didn’t take overly long for Don and Twilight to come into view. With a few minutes of waiting, Sweet and Breaker were at the front of the line. The scale didn’t look like anything special, just a normal, magical weighing scale, complete with the small screen that told a pony their weight.
As soon as Don spotted the diminutive thestral, he cringed back, hiding behind Twilight. It looked a bit odd, the towering creature was taller than all of them after all, but still, he did a good job at cowering. Breaker liked that look on stallions that had wronged her.
“You’re not here to hit me again, are you Night Breaker?”
The bat pony grinned at him.
“Are you gonna call me cute again?”
The human shook his head.
“I’m not, but I don’t control the scale. That’s science. If it says you’re cute, then you’re cute.”
Night Breaker growled at him, but Sweet nudged her flank, drawing away her ire.
“Don’t be mean Break, this is for fun! Right Princess?”
Twilight shot a glare at Night Breaker.
“If you think so, but for my purposes, this is scientific. I have hypothesized that ponies can be quantified by another variable besides race.”
Without breaking her glare, she reached into her saddlebags and pulled out a chart and motioned to it.
“See here? All ponies can fit into one of these categories, and if we can pinpoint which categories are accurate, then we can track the trends of the pony evolutionary process to see how we’ll change in the future.”
Her eyes softened as she looked back to Don.
“As my human as pointed out, we’re not exactly a survival-oriented species, so I wanted to research how we got to where we are. My thought is that our cuteness saved us from many predators, and that now we are still growing cuter to stay ahead in diplomatic and business relations.”
“But,” Twilight continued, “to even postulate my second theory, I have to prove this one. I can get funding from Canterlot if I have enough of a sample size, so thank you both for participating. Especially you Breaker; we don’t have any thestral samples.”
Her face curled back into a frown and her glare returned.
“That being said; if you hit my boyfriend again, you and I will have words.”
Night Breaker jabbed a hoof at Don.
“He stroked my tuft without permission!”
Don threw his hands in the air.
“I didn’t know that was a bad thing! I said I was sorry!”
“And he did community service,” Twilight added. “And it never happened again, and he has taken extra care to ask everypony ever since about physical contact, so it’s done. I’m just warning you about what will happen if you hit him again.”
Twilight looked back.
“And that goes for you two mister. I know Night Breaker is positively adorable, but you’re not allowed to touch her fluff. If you get the urge, I’ll shampoo up my tuft and you can pet that, alright?”
Don crossed his arms and grumbled.
“Not my fault ponies are friggin adorable. Should be a crime to withhold pets, not the other way around.”
Sweet groaned, drawing all eyes to her.
“Will you all relax, we’re supposed to be having fun here!”
She looked to her marefriend.
“Break, everypony wants that tuft, Don was just a little too excited. He apologized, it’s over with, so let’s skip the drama and get to the scaling! I wanna see how I stack up.”
Twilight and Breaker exchanged once last glare before both let out loud exhales and relaxed. Twilight motioned to the scale, onto which Sweet quickly hopped up. Don gave Breaker another nervous glance, but he moved to the scale and pushed a small button on the side.
“Alright, stay still for just a second…”
Sweet remained perfectly still until the machine beeped lightly. Twilight gave her a warm smile.
“All done!”
Sweet hopped off the scale and looked at the display.
“So how’d I do?”
They all watched as the display lit up, and the word ‘Pon’ appeared. Don crouched behind the scale and recorded the results on a notepad.
“She got a 146, with the six point lean toward the elegant side. Sorry Sweet, you’re about average on the cuteness scale.”
The red unicorn shrugged.
“Eh, I have my little compensator right her.”
She nuzzled Night Breaker, who blushed, avoiding everyone’s eyes. Twilight met her eyes, and nodded toward the scale.
“Your turn then Night Breaker.”
The thestral sighed and hopped onto the scale. It was sized for normal ponies however, so she had to put a bit of extra wiggle into her hips to get onto it. She heard her marefriend squee in delight, causing her blush to deepen. Trying to find somewhere to look that would lessen her embarrassment, Breaker looked to Don, who grinned at her. She waved a hoof at him.
“Not a word or I clock you!”
The human raised his hands in mock defense and remained silent. Breaker glared at him for a second more, then sat down. Her tail swished anxiously as Twilight pressed the button again. They all waited silently for a moment, then for another. Twilight frowned when the machine failed to beep, and she stared hard at the scale.
“I’m sorry Breaker, I guess it broke down.”
She rose from her seat to toy with the scale, but Don reached out an arm and stopped her.
“Give it a moment,” he whispered. “I think something magical is happening.”
Breaker frowned at him, then followed his eyes down to her chest. Her tuft obscured her view of the scale, as puffed out as it was. It was puffed out fully. HER TUFT WAS PUFFED OUT FULLY!
Night Breaker squealed in embarrassment and tried to cover it up, but there was simply so much fluff. Her hooves couldn’t pat it down fast enough. As everyone watched her struggle, the machine beeped, and her tuft began to naturally cool. Breaker quickly hopped off the scale, only for Sweet to tackle her and snuggle her tuft.
“Sorry Break,” Sweet said with a moan. “I saw that fluff and couldn’t resist. It feels soooo good.”
Night Breaker flushed crimson as she returned her marefriend’s hug. Twilight and Don both stared, mouths agape, at the scale.
“It’s a new result,” Twilight whispered in disbelief. “My theory is incorrect.”
Sweet giggled and nuzzled Breaker one more time before they both rose. They looked to the scale display to find a single word; smol.
“W-what does that mean?” Breaker asked.
Don moved around the back of the scale and whistled.
“Wow, you blew Fluttershy out of the water. Twilight, she’s a three thousand and seven on the cuteness, fully into cute pon.”
Twilight paled, but she wrote down the result, muttering to herself as she did so.
“Fluttershy was only a five hundred. How can this be? Is it the size? The tuft?”
The alicorn’s quill moved at the speed of light while Breaker continued to stare at the scale in disbelief.
“That’s gotta be a mistake, right?” she said. “Maybe it got a bad reading? I can’t possibly be cuter than Fluttershy! She’s adorable!”
Don gave her a knowing look.
“Night Breaker, I’m the resident expert on cuteness, and I helped design the scale. I picked Fluttershy as the upper limit because I knew you’d come after me if I put you there.”
He glanced at Twilight.
“But I couldn’t help myself and programmed in a small function anyway. It’s a subroutine that takes a few extra seconds to activate, but the scale works perfectly, and the result is correct. Try again if you don’t believe me.”
Night Breaker stomped her hoof and fluffed out her wings.
“I will try again, because I am not cute!”
Don stepped away as Night Breaker flapped her way back onto the scale. She plopped down and put on her meanest scowl, glaring hard at the human. Twilight absently pressed the button, and once again Breaker’s tuft puffed out. The thestral did her best to ignore the wayward fur and power through, and she scrunched up her muzzle further.
The effort only seemed to make things worse.
Her tuft grew even poofier, far past natural fluffy standards, and the scale began to beep like crazy. With a shower of sparks, a loud pop, and a stream of smoke, the machine fell silent. Everyone stared at Night Breaker as her tuft began to settle down again. She rubbed it down with one hoof, grumbling to herself, then she looked up to find everyone still staring. She blushed and looked away from the trio of eyes.
“What’s wrong with you ponies? Never seen a thestral before?”
Sweet was completely speechless, though Night Breaker knew the unicorn enough to recognize that look in her eyes. Sweet wanted to drag her into the bedroom to do distasteful things, things Breaker had tried to escape long ago. She couldn’t get dragged down by the family business, but by the looks of the ponies around her, she knew the chances of continuing her escape were dwindling.
Her blush deepened and she stared down at the scale.
“Stop staring at me and just tell me the results you bunch of weirdos.”
Don was the first to break free of his stupor, and he moved around the back of the scale. He shook his head and let out a long whistle as he fiddled with the back of the machine.
“Wow, this thing is shot. I could never have guessed… Twilight, the last reading we got was ten thousand on the cuteness scale, but that’s how high this thing can read. If it fried the scale, it’s probably double that, if not more.”
Twilight broke free of her stupor second, and her quill moved at lightning speed across her scroll. Muttering filled the air, but it was overpowered by a loud scree of anger as Night Breaker tossed her head back.
“I am not cute!” she cried.
A shadow passed over her face, and the thestral stared right into Don’s eyes as he gave her a kind smile.
“Night Breaker, I know you won’t like this news, and it goes against everything you’ve made yourself to be, but you have to hear the truth. I would like to give you a comfort hug while I tell you. Is that alright? Can I give you a hug?”
Night Breaker wanted to say no, wanted to punch him again just to make sure her rep stayed intact, but he was right. Science didn’t lie, the data wasn’t wrong. If their machine said she was cute…
She sighed and nodded. There was no fighting fate. Her reputation as a tough, dependable pony would be ruined, and nopony would take her seriously as a fighter again. She’d have to quit her job at the gym, would have to go home probably. Her family were kind ponies, and she knew they would welcome her back, but the way they would welcome her…
She shuddered as Don picked her up. She supposed there would be no avoiding hugs, especially if she lost her job. She’d need to get back into the practice of professional snuggling so that she could make a proper living. The only silver lining she could see was that she wasn’t terribly rusty; Sweet snuggled with her nightly, so her skills would only need a bit of polish.
Night Breaker sniffled. It was over. The dream of freedom from her family tradition was gone. She had already accepted it, and she had no reason to fight anymore. As Don braced her rump, she nuzzled his chest and snuggled in against his shirt, staring up at him with what were no doubt adorable eyes.
He didn’t look at her with pity or contempt, however. His eyes only contained kindness and understanding as he gently stroked her mane with his free hand.
“Night Breaker,” he said softly, “you are the pinnacle of pony evolution. You’re the most adorable pony in existence. I’m sorry if this hurts you to hear, but you are indeed smol.”
Breaker sighed, and her floppy ears pinned themselves to the side of her head.
“But why me?” she asked softly.
Don shrugged.
“You’re just too fuzzy I’m afraid, but I’ll tell you what; let’s go to the cider house and find a stallion for you to beat up in the ring. There’s no reason you can’t be the cutest pony, and the toughest pony in town.”
Breaker blinked at the human’s words, then felt the tension leave her body. Of course she could, she was Night Bucking Breaker; she could do anything! Sure she’d get a rep for being cute and cuddly, but who cared? She could do snuggling as a side hustle, maybe save up for extra gifts for Sweet. With her combined reputations she could reconnect with her family, maybe even get a few to move to Ponyville. Her office would be run with strict rules, enforced by her hoof, and for those in her family who wanted out of the snuggling life, well she could teach them how to make their way in the world. She wanted to smack herself at the obviousness of the solution, but instead she smiled up at Don.
“Thanks,” she said. “Sorry for giving you a black eye.”
The human shrugged.
“I deserved it, and no problem, I’m glad to help. I know how you like to perceive yourself, and I don’t want you to suffer a crisis because of a scale I built.”
His eyes seemed to lock onto her ears, and his free hand twitched. Don looked away as he cleared his throat.
“Hey, um… would you mind if I gave you an ear scratch? They just look really fluffy…”
Breaker rolled her eyes.
“You can scratch one ear, and only for a few seconds. You’re gonna need to sign some papers and pay some bits if you want anything else.”
She smiled and closed her eyes when his finger began to gently scratch at the base of her ears, then she chuckled as a thought popped into her mind.
“Hey Princess, is this how your little friendship lessons work?”
She got no reply, and the silence cause her to open her eyes and looked around. Don chuckled.
“She left with your marefriend as soon as I picked you up. Said something about looking through your house for the source of your cuteness.”
He shrugged and started walking toward the town bar.
“I’m sure we’ll schedule a proper interview and physical exam later. Mind participating a little more in our study?”
Night Breaker shook her head as she eyed Don’s shirt. He was quite warm, and he certainly acted like a good guy. For helping get her snuggling groove back, he would make for a good customer. Night Breaker’s eyes flicked up, and she smiled at him.
“Say Don, you wouldn’t happen to be in the market for a professional snuggler from a long line of world renowned snugglers, would you?”