The story of a dragon introducing his new human friend to the ponies of Ponyville.
It’s a tale as old as time: a human finds himself landed in Equestria by mysterious means. But there’s a catch: he’s a snarky, socially awkward, black nerd. So, a slight race difference overall. Uh, anyway, after spending months living in the Everfree with only his wits and thievery, Anon finally finds himself as the mysterious new resident of Ponyville. Will Anon learn to make friends, defend himself against horse shenanigans, and discover why he was isekai’d in the first place?
I dunno. Read it, or your racist or something.
I mainly wrote this cause I thought it might be nice to have an Anon with a more melaninated background. Also, I want my own self-indulgent adventures.
There was a very short list of things that didn’t agitate Anon. Breathing was on that list because that was a necessity. Masturbation was also on the list, although barely because of the post-nut clarity that makes Anon think about the futility of life and lust. Lastly, the eponymous duo, food and sleep because, again, necessity. If he were to run out of food, that particular thorn finds itself being the most irritating to pull.
So imagine how he must’ve felt when he looked in his fridge to find it completely empty. Don’t worry, I’ll tell you: Pissy. Very pissy indeed. Now, if this was about a month ago, Anon would take up his shitty bow he learned to craft by watching a YouTube video during the many dives into the proverbial internet rabbit hole months ago and go hunt one of the many rodents of the Everfree Forest, granted that nothing was hunting him. Then his hunger would be alleviated for a couple days at the absolute most. Of course, he was no longer living in the Everfree, as he had for the past 6 months. No, at the insistence of that chubby little reptile, he was now an unofficial resident of the so-called Ponyville. Unofficial because he inhabited an abandoned house at the edge of the Everfree, last owned by a long gone horse who had enough food stocked in the kitchen to last a week. Well, that week was up and Anon now confronted an empty fridge.
God-fucking-damn it, G. Anon monologued, shaking his head. He slammed the door and, at that instant, his stomach growled in retaliation. It was a sensation he was used to, of course, being in the woods for an extended time does that. But, it doesn’t make it anymore pleasant when the hunger pains hit. Anon looked to his bow, contemplating a quick excursion to the Everfree. However, he was reminded of the dragon, who’s name he just remembered was Spike, telling him to stay away from the forest. Spike made sure to emphasize that the Everfree was a dangerous place. Anon knew how true that was, as he had the many, many, MANY, scars to prove it. He never got to be a Boy Scout, those guys never came to his side of town.
That, and Spike believed that Anon should integrate into Ponyville, as they were a helpful lot. Anon didn’t doubt it. How intolerant could a race of multicolored, multi-appendaged horses be? Surely with such differences as wings, horns, and just the legs they stand on, there would be no sense of racial superiority or a concept of discrimination, would there? Regardless, he took Spike’s word, given he was a dragon and if he could live amongst horses, so could an alien. That didn’t mean Anon himself was keen on the idea of mingling with the pony populace. It’s why he told Spike that his name was Anonymous, a subtle way of concealing his real identity.
Might as well start anew in your new life, right? Another growl shook his gut, snapping him from his introspection. Anon sighed, figuring there was no way past this: he had to go outside. Clearly not to a marketplace, he had no money. Still, if there wasn’t shit inside, nowhere to go but out. Push comes to shove, he can say “fuck it” and head into the Everfree anyway. He hadn’t died yet, so why would he now?
Anon grabbed his jeans, which sat on a clothesline by the window, drying in the light of the sun. It was the same jeans he was dropped into this strange world in, but regular washing by a nearby river kept them from being horrifically filthy. His shirt didn’t fair better tho, being reduced into nothing more than cloth that Anon used for his other tools. Instead, he stole a cloak that belonged to a vaguely African zebra that lived nearby him in the Everfree. How an Africa equivalent existed in this bizarro world was anybody’s guess, but it wasn’t gonna be him. Tying the cloak around his neck, the cape hung to as low as his ass cheeks, with the cloak leaving a little opening for his belly. The hood was useful for obscuring his face, which pleases him greatly. It was also cool, cause hoods were cool. Anon then put on his trusty-but-rusty shoes, his socks having been used up as spare tourniquets in the past. As Anon finished dressing, he located a mirror in the bathroom, cracked from a distant accident.
Anon gave himself a once over on his outfit. Then, he threw the hood back and moved the sides of his cloak to see his upper body. Anon had to admit, he actually looked like he knew what a gym membership was. Granted, he was still pretty thin, but with his muscles being more pronounced and the scars of past encounters with mythical creatures decorating his body, it looked as if Anon was some veteran survivor. It did wonders for his self-esteem. It was evidence of his adaptability and cunning, features he would never have developed in his old metropolitan world. And on that self appraising note, Anon smirked and put his cloak back on properly. He then strutted to his front door, silently wishing his phone was on so he could play some music to fit the mood. A little Wu-Tang was right for the mood, specifically Iron Flag. The scratching of that record in the beginning of that song, that traditional boom bap rhythm, and those melodic strings are just what the soul needs right now, but cannot have. Damn, the loss of music is what hurt the most. He grabbed the door handle, turned, and threw the door open.
“Oh. Hey, Anon!” Said a voice, one that Anon couldn’t pinpoint immediately until he looked down. Not surpassing Anon’s thigh, stood a plump little dragon of purple and green. In his hands-er, claws, he was holding a box, one that took both of his arms to carry. He looked up at Anon with a warm, welcoming smile. A smile that was almost slammed by the door as Anon panicked and swung the door until there was but a small crack.
“Shit, Spike!” Anon exclaimed in a hushed whisper. “Could you knock or some shit? Scared the hell out of me.”
“But, I was about to, until you opened the door.” Spike replied, cocking his head to the size.
“Now, now, that’s no excuse.” Anon opened the door slightly, just enough to allow Spike through. “Hurry and get inside, before those horses see.” Spike walks in, shimmying through the crack.
“They’re ponies, Anon. Not horses.” Spike retorted.
“Quadruped, hooves, mane, snouts. They’re horses, just tinier.” Anon shot back. “The semantics is irrelevant honestly.” Spike sat the box on the small coffee table in front of the couch, the only other piece of furniture. Anon smelled something faintly from the box and followed it, kicking the door closed behind him. Spike sat and began opening the box, while Anon hopped onto the couch next to him.
“I noticed you didn’t head into the marketplace.” Spike started. “So, I went and picked you up a meal. It’s nothing special. It’s just a fruit salad. Ponies don’t sell meat often around here because-“
“Herbivores.” Anon interrupted with a mouth full of leafy greens. He wasted no time cleaning his plate.
“Yeah, that. I for one just stick to eating gems.” Anon had finished his salad far quicker than he expected or wanted.
“Gems?” Anon questioned. “You eat gems? Like, mineral crystals?”
“Yup! They’re what we dragons eat!” Spike seemed excited to talk about dragons for a change. For the most part, their conversations were limited to ponies and creatures in the Everfree.
“That implies that these gems are in such abundance, that species can utilize them for a reliable food source.” Anon said incredulously. Spike nodded.
“Yeah, Rarity also uses gems to make dresses. It’s kinda hard to stand around in her boutique sometimes. I get really hungry.” Spike pulls out a small gem from behind his ear and toss it into the air, before catching it in his mouth and chewing. Anon could hear the crunching and shattering of the gem in Spike’s mouth.
“This place is fuckin’ batshit.” Anon said, leaning back into the couch. Spike frowned at him.
“Anon, I don’t know what you said.”
“I was just saying how weird your world is.” Anon simplified, forcing himself to use that horse language. It was weird, as it comprised of a lot of whinnying and neighing like a horse, yet there was a sentence structure to it; A subject and a predicate. “Gemstones where I come from are expensive as hell and hard to obtain.”
“Really? So gems are rare where you come from?”
“Oh, I wouldn’t know.” Anon admitted. “It very well could be just as abundant as here, but it’s in a jewelers best interest to make it seem as though they are rare. So, they sell for ludicrous prices. Also, gems aren’t digestible.” Spike pondered the implications of what Anon had said but realized he had too few details to understand.
“You know, you would really get along well with Twilight, Anon.” Spike grabbed the box that Anon had opened and closed it, likely with plans to reuse it. Anon let out a single “Ha!”, much to Spike’s surprise and confusion. “What is it?”
“I’m not stupid, dragon.” Anon stretched his arms, clasped his fingers and rested his head on them. “You’re trying to get me to go out into Ponyland.”
“It’s called Ponyville.” Spike huffed. “And yes, I think it’s time you actually got out and talked to somepony.”
“You sound like my mom, boyo. And news flash,” Anon leaned over and flicked Spike’s nose lightly, enough to annoy but not hurt. “My mom failed to get me to socialize with people of my species. You have a bat’s chance in hell.” Spiked rubbed his nose, glaring up at Anon.
“You can’t just stay inside for the rest of your life, Anonymous.” Spike stood on the couch cushion, putting him at eye level with Anon. Anon couldn’t help but look at Spike’s big eyes, eyes that seemed highly impractical for any species to have, given its surface area. “At some point, you’re going to run out of food, or the toilet will get clogged, or the stove might burst into flames, or-“ Anon puts a finger to Spike’s lips.
“Spike, there is a subset of people in my world who are characterized by their ability to stay indoors for the rest of their lives. It’s a lifestyle. I can manage.” Spike removes Anon’s finger.
“What if you run out of food?” Spike asks, a serious expression on his face. If Anon were a weaker man, which he is not, he’d have to admit that it was really cute. Much like a lot of things in the world, down to the grass. It had a whimsical aesthetic that would soften the hardest of hearts. Good thing was that Anon's was nonexistent.
“Then I’ll hunt.”
“What if you can’t hunt?”
“Then I’ll forage.”
“What if there’s nothing to forage?
“Then I’ll steal.”
“Anon!” Spike gasped. “You would devolve to stealing?!”
“If it was for my survival, yes. You say that like it’s a sin. You pony folk aren’t religious, are you?” Spike sighed, growing tired of this back and forth.
“Okay, okay. I get it. You don’t want to meet other ponies.”
“Correct.”
“Can you at least tell me why?”
“One, I don’t have to tell you shit.” Anon puts up a single finger. “Two, meeting other ponies would either result in mass hysteria knowing there’s other life out there or unified effort to kill me as I am a foreign alien who may just pass on a deadly disease they can’t stop.”
“But, I’m not sick?”
“Maybe you’re immune. You’re also a dragon.”
“I’ve noticed.” Spike sighed a little harder, growing exhausted. It was as if Anon was trying his best to be uncooperative and he was succeeding. Spike hopped off the couch and paced the floor in front of Anon. Anon merely watched the dragon pace the floor, with that not adorably serious face. Anon desperately wished his phone would turn on, just so he could record it. Maybe have it framed to mock the little guy whenever he had the audacity to stop by. Anon reached for his phone and held the power button, muttering to himself, praying that the phone miraculously turned on. Spike looked over and noticed the device.
“What kind of artifact is that?” Spike asked, taking a break from thinking.
“It’s a smartphone.” Anon replied not even looking up from the black mirror facing him. “Where I come from, it allows people to talk from long distances, access all the world’s knowledge, and play some slappin’ ass music that I don’t get to enjoy now.” Hearing this, Spike thought a little more, before a metaphorical lightbulb lit above his head.
“You know, I bet Twilight can fix it.” Spike said, with a cheeky smile. Anon responded by laughing in his face.
“Oh, little dragon. We’re living in a hamlet in the countryside. I highly fucking doubt your friend could piece together tech that took mankind hundreds of thousands of years to invent.” Anon took the time to laugh some more.
“I dunno, she is the Element of Magic.” Anon stopped laughing.
“Hol’ up, pause for the cause.” Anon threw up his hands, signaling the pause. “There’s magic in this world? What, are we talking like true name magic, equivalent exchange, alchemy?” Spike seems thrown off by the question.
“Uh, I dunno, but she does do magic.” Spike explains. “All unicorns can. But, Twilight is the best of them all. She’s lifted an Ursa Minor, fought a giant centaur, and even time traveled. I was there for the last one.” Spike made sure to emphasize that last sentence, wiping his claws on his chest and inspecting them for no real reason. Anon squints his eyes skeptically.
“And you just happen to know a pony like this?” Anon said, tilting his head upwards in a skeptical gesture.
“You’re free to call my bluff.” Spike said, doing a little bow. “You’d have to see for yourself though. Or, you can just go without your ‘smartphone’ for the rest of your life.” Spike wore a smug expression as he kept low in his bow. Anon clicked his tongue.
“Sneaky ass mothafucka’...” Anon said under his breath. Anon looked down at his phone and the accursed black mirror. He saw himself, in all his ragged glory. He looked tired, exhausted even. Bags under the eyes from inconsistent sleeping, a scraggly goatee, he even smiled to see that his teeth were caked in food debris, despite his best effort to stay hygienic. Anon desperately wished his phone screen was on so that he didn’t have to see that ugly mug.
“Ugh, fine.” Anon groaned, pocketing his phone. “I’ll go and meet this “Twilight” of yours.” Anon raised a finger. “But, it’s only to see if she can fix my phone. Then, I’m dumping your ass off, heading home, and sleeping the rest of the day away.” Anon stood up while Spike fist pumped the air. Anon went to the door and picked up his bow, slinging it over his shoulder. Spike followed suit and climbed up on to Anon’s neck, his legs falling to either side.
“Why are you bringing a bow?” Spike asked, now comfortably perched on Anon’s shoulder.
“As insurance.” Anon replied, testing the bowstring. “Why are you on my back? Quite literally actually.”
“Twilight often carries me around. Besides, you’re way taller and I like the height.”
“Jeez, dawg. How old are you?” Anon asked rhetorically, opening the door for the second time again. From the front door he could see the majority of Ponyville, especially the crystal castle that stood out like a sore thumb. “It actually looks kinda like someone throwing up the finger. How pleasant.”
“The castle is where you’ll find Twilight.” Spike informed Anon. “Now come one! Daylight’s wasting!” Spike bounced up and down like a child wanting a piggyback ride. Anon sighed, half because he couldn’t believe he was taking orders from a small, chubby, childish dragon and half because he couldn’t believe he was partially enjoying it.
Chapter 2- Twilight, The Pretty Pony Princess of Ponyville
Anon had started walking from the front of his house down the path towards the crystal castle. Since they were at the very edge, it was a rather quiet and empty walk. For all of 30 seconds. It was inevitable that these little horses would walk out of their home, see Anon carrying a dragon on his shoulders, shrouded in a mysterious cloak, and simply backpedal right back inside. The more Anon walked, the more ponies saw him. He could feel the stares all around him, from their dinner plate sized eyes.
Anon knew that from this day forward, his life would not be the same. Few ponies screamed, few ponies ran, most ponies were silent. Anon was reminded of learning of the Civil Rights Era in grade school. He imagined this was similar to what black people felt when entering white spaces. They were out of place and the people around them reminded them as such, whether explicitly or not. Anon sought solace in the words of one of the revolutionaries of that decade, “Be peaceful, be courteous, obey the law, respect everyone; but if someone puts hands on you, send him to the cemetery.” Granted, all these ponies left a wide berth for him to pass through. Also, they had hooves, not hands. Also also, chances are they wouldn’t want to just outright fight him, right?
All the while, Spike was merely enjoying the ride. Anon didn’t know if Spike saw the reactions of the other ponies and didn’t want to bring attention to it or is just naive and inattentive. It really could be either/or. Soon enough, Anon reached the steps of the castle. It occurred to Anon that this might actually be the authority figure of this settlement, like a lord or something. If Anon talked too crazy, he might end up on the chopping block or lynched. That was a funny idea. A bunch of colorful ponies in a colorful world, lynching a human. Anon was a morbid man, this much was known. He looked back, just in case, at the crowd of ponies behind him. They all kinda stood in a crowd, murmuring amongst each other. Amazingly, some of the denizens seemed to lose interest and began walking away. A good sign, probably.
Anon cleared the steps of the castle and arrived at the door. He raised a hand to knock and...didn’t knock. It was like Anon’s arm had merely fallen asleep on him or stopped receiving signals from the brain.
“Uh, Anon?” Spike asked, looking concerned. “You gonna open the door?”
“Yeah, yeah. Give me a sec, damn.” Anon raised his hand with more purpose and gave the door an authoritative knock.
Anytime now...
Just a simple knock...
Spike leaned forward and knocked on the door, awakening Anon from his brief slumber. The two were left waiting by the door.
“Wait, shouldn’t guards be posted out front?” Anon said, taking in his surroundings for the first time since he climbed the stairs. “Also, why are we knocking? This is a big ass castle, not a two story house!” Spike seemingly ignored Anon’s query as he kept knocking on the door.
“Twilight! I have someone who’d like to meet with you!” Spike yelled through the door, much to Anon’s displeasure, in more ways than one.
“Oh no, scaleball. I would NOT like to meet with them” Anon corrected, removing his hands from his ear to point at him. “You coaxed me here with the promise of access to my music playlist. Were I a man of little culture, I’d have done the smart thing and stayed my ass at home.” As Anon finished, he heard the faint clip-clopping of hooves. They grew louder as they reached the door until the door finally swung open.
“Spike, there you are!” Said a lilac pony with a purple and teal mane and tail. Anon could also see barely on her side was what could only be described as an ass tattoo of a purple and white star with two blue glimmering streams. “I’ve been looking all over for you. Because you ran off, I had to do all of your chores, which was completely...not...cool...” The complaints came to halt as the pony looked up to see the towering figure above her. She had only come up to the figures waists, forcing her to crane her neck upwards to look at him. She stared up at the hooded Anon, his eyes being the only thing visible to her. Spike popped over the edge of Anon’s head.
“Sorry, Starlight.” Spike said abashedly, scratching his head. “I was visiting a friend and, well, here he is!” As Spike spoke, Anon had attempted to crane his to the left, not looking in Starlight’s direction. Being so close to them was uncomfortable, and those eyes of hers borrowed into him. Spike nudged Anon. “Well? Aren’t you going to say something?”
Anon realized that he conveniently forgot every language lesson he learned, unable to think of the right combinations of horse words to convey a greeting. After much deliberation, Anon fell back on an old favorite for when a passerby felt compelled to say hi to him.
“Uh, Sup?” Anon said, unsure of himself as he spoke. He accompanied the greeting with a nod of acknowledgement, a force of habit that this pony was likely not gonna get. Spike facepalmed as Starlight cocked her head to the side with an expression of bemusement and intrigue.
“Spike, where did you find this, uh, minotaur?” Starlight guessed, squinting to look under the hood. Anon unconsciously pulled the brim lower.
“He’s not a minotaur, Starlight.” Spike grabbed hold of Anon’s hood suddenly and pulled it back, catching Anon off guard. “He’s a human, see?” Anon gasped and grabbed Spike with one hand, while using the other to pull the hood back up.
“Spike, you do not have my permission to pull my hood.” Anon said, pointing a finger at the little dragon as he held him by the tail. “Don’t forget, you were the one that dragged me and I can easily-“
“Wait, a human?” Starlight asked, her eyes widening a little. “Like, from the other side of the mirror?”
“Well, not exact-“ Spike was immediately shut up by Anon clamping his hand on Spike’s muzzle.
“Wait, wait, wait. You know what a human is?” Anon asked impatiently, his heartbeat beginning to beat a little faster at the prospect of going home. “And you have a mirror that leads to other humans?”
“Well, yeah.” Starlight said, a tad reluctant. “It’s still in the library but I think Twilight could-“ Adding to the list of interruptions, Anon rudely pushes past Starlight, absentmindedly dropping Spike right by her in the process. Anon began walking through the castle, looking around for signs. He realized that while he learned to speak the language, he never did learn the writing. So, he began opening any door he came across, peeking briefly, and then moving on to the next. The galloping of hooves echo behind him.
“Wait!” Starlight calls out, Spike riding on her back. “What do you think you’re doing?!”
“We can end this little engagement real easy by just sending me back home through this mirror of yours.” Anon said, continuing his mission of opening doors. “Fuck a phone repair, I’m getting me a new one for my troubles. And a big fucking meal.” Anon began mumbling to himself, speaking of all the things he’ll do when he gets home. Maybe he’ll drop out of college and just live a hedonistic lifestyle, succumbing to the American dream as it were. Or maybe he’ll hunker down in his studies and get him a cushy job that’ll set him straight for the rest of his life. Anything to avoid the boredom and struggling he’s grown accustomed to.
Anon finally found a door leading into a large library. It didn’t take long to spot the giant mirror in the far back of the room. It was an ornate mirror, flanked by complex machinery on both sides. All this did not register to Anon, as he blindly walked towards the mirror with purpose. He even missed the purple mare that was reading a book in her chair before he barged in. She had the peculiar features of a unicorn horn and pegasus wings, all that went unnoticed by Anon’s tunnel vision.
“Uh, hello?” The mare spoke, her words falling on Anon’s deaf ears as he passed. Starlight trotted next to her, Spike pinching his nose in frustration.
“Well, at least he’s inside...” Spike consoled himself.
“Hey, Twilight. I see you’ve also met Spike’s friend.” Starlight quipped. Twilight gently set the book down and came off her chair. The three watched as Anon walked around the machine, analyzing it for an on/off switch.
“Mind if I ask why he’s so interested in the mirror?” Twilight asks.
“I may have suggested that other humans lived on the other side.”
“Wait, that’s a human?” Twilight quickly turned to face the other two, who nodded in unison.
“But, Twilight,” Spike interjected. “He’s nothing like the humans at Canterlot High. His features are far different and he doesn’t behave like they do. He might be something completely different.”
Through all this, Anon still wasn’t listening, his mind too clouded by a flurry of thoughts and emotions. Who would believe that Anon had been transported to another world? What would his mom do if she saw her child covered in scars? Was he still enrolled at school? How long has he been away? Did Bethesda release another version of Skyrim? Thoughts such as these reverberated in Anon’s mind as he pressed his hands against the glass, pushing hard against it. He figured he was supposed to slip through but he wouldn’t budge. He looked up at the pylons, both glowing purple. Anon guessed that meant it was on, so why was he not going through? Anon couldn’t even see this other world, just his own reflection. The reflection of someone slowly coming back to reality, only not his reality. In the reflection, he also saw a different horse from the one he went slowly trot behind him. Anon sighed and slowly turned, keeping one hand on the mirror.
“Hello there!” The purple pony started. She fixed her footing to appear more regal and confident. “My name is Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship. What’s your name?” She gave Anon a big, warm smile. Anon would’ve remarked that it was quite adorable, if his mood wasn’t significantly soured. For an uncomfortably long moment, Anon just glared at her. Twilight’s smile fell a little.
“What’s up with your mirror?” Anon asked bluntly. “It’s some gateway to humanity right? I need to go back. Now, preferably.” Twilight’s stance fell as she relaxed, realizing that this visitor will not appreciate it.
“The mirror is active.” Twilight remarked, curious of the reason herself. She walked up to it and stuck a hoof beyond it, turning her hand into fingers. Anon attempted the same, but his hand wouldn’t pass through the glass. For him, it was just a mirror. Anon looked closely at her hand and noticed it’s discoloration, matching the fur of the pony.
“This...isn’t what I thought it was.” Anon said softly, withdrawing his hand. He looked at it, flexed his fingers, and pocketed them in his jeans. Twilight withdrew her hoof as Starlight went to turn off the machine.
“I’m sorry.” Twilight apologizes, bowing her head. “Nopony meant to lead you on about a portal home. It’s clear you’re not from around here.” Anon scoffed.
“What tipped you off, Purple?” Anon deadpanned. “I don’t even know how I got here. I found myself in that Forest outside your a few months ago. I would still be there if it wasn’t for that-” Anon pointed at Spike, who now stood next to Twilight, “-little nuisance right there. Blame him for my sudden appearance.” Twilight frowned, throwing a protective hoof over Spike.
“I’m sure Spike meant well by bringing you to me. Even if he did decide not to tell me...” Twilight casted a glance at Spike, who turned and whistled a little tune while avoiding her gaze. She sighed and her smile returned. “But now that you’re here, you can properly introduce yourself.” She leaned a little forward, head tilted, goading Anon to play along with her pony games. Anon rolled his eyes under his hood.
“The name’s Anonymous.” Anon answered reluctantly, arms crossed. “That’s all you're getting.” Twilight nods.
“It’s a, uh, good start. We can always discuss more later. I wouldn’t want to overwhelm you...” Twilight began approaching Anon, who took a few steps back. Twilight then circled around Anon, as if appraising him. “But, I am curious as to your origins. I’ve never seen a human that looks quite like you.” She even lifted a hoof to move the cloak to see the skin underneath, only for her efforts to be slapped away by Anon’s hand. Twilight grimaced, realizing she may have overstepped her boundaries. “Not that there's anything wrong with how you look! I didn’t mean to offend.”
Anon looked down at this pony as her ears folded against her head. He had to give these ponies credit where credit was due, they wore their hearts on their sleeves. He could read her emotions vividly. Her big eyes looked down at the ground, like she was caught stealing out her parent’s cookie jar. Her body took an even more diminutive position. It was enough to pull Anon away from his own angst.
Damn, these ponies are adorable. Anon thought, relenting only the slightest bit. It’s like their fresh out of a kids show. Got to give them credit, they aren’t nearly as scared of me as I thought they were. Hell, they know what humans are. Maybe...I’m just the one that’s scared?
Damn it.
“It’s fine.” Anon said, after a while. He reached out to pet the dejected horse. When his hand made contact with her mane, he was shocked to find how soft it felt. Almost as shocked as Twilight was to suddenly feel his hands in her hair. Anon gave her a few pats and a couple strokes. Now that I think about it, that might’ve been kinda demeaning. I mean, she said she was a Princess, right? Anon quickly withdrew his hand and smoothly rubbed it over his own head. “Heh, sorry. Force of habit. Not used to sharing the role of sapient species.” Anon coughed into his hand, hoping that sufficed as an apology. Twilight recovered from her shock with a smile.
“It’s alright.” Twilight said, now beaming. “It actually felt...kinda nice.” Anon could swear he saw what looked to be a blush on her face as she turned away. Shit was gettin’ real awkward.
“Well,” Anon said, a little louder than he meant to. “Glad to know there’s no way home. Now, I’ll just be heading to my, uh, place of residence and giving myself a much deserved break.” Anon spun on his heels and began walking toward the door of the library.
“Wait, Anon!” Spike said, hurrying to his side. “What about that “smartphone” of yours?” Anon stopped, allowing Spike to run face first into the back of his leg. Spike fell on his butt, rubbing his head, as Anon crouched down in front of the dazed dragon.
“Yeah, like that’s why you dragged, or shall I say ‘rode’, me here in the first place.” Anon attempted to conceal his smile from the dragon under the shadow of the hood. As much as he hated to admit it, a weight feels lifted off since he’s pulled the trigger and walked into town proper. This little shit handed him the gun to do it. “Just do me a favor and knock on my door the next time you visit.” Spike pouted.
“But you-“ Spike was met with a boop on his snout as Anon stood back up and walked out of the library.
“Deuces, Spike.” Anon said over his shoulder, throwing up two fingers as he turned the corner and disappeared. Spike, not knowing what the term nor gesture meant, was left to assume it was a way of saying goodbye. Twilight and Starlight walked up next to Spike.
“That Anon’s certainly a character.” Starlight remarked.
“He can be a bit prickly.” Spike admitted, picking himself off the floor. He held his snout with a claw, in confusion of the sensation Anon had given him. Twilight wrapped a wing around Spike, pulling him into a side hug.
“So, you’ve been making friends behind my back, haven’t you, Spike?” Twilight asked coyly.
“I-I was going to tell you! Honest! I just, well, didn’t know how to. And you saw how not...friendly he can be.”
“I’m just teasing, Spike.” Twilight nuzzled the little dragon, who began to relax. “I’m actually very proud of you. Not many ponies would willingly befriend someone so different from themselves.”
“Yeah, well,” Spike started looking back out the doorway that Anon had left. “It turned out, we actually have some things in common.”
Sleeping was now the newest irritation on Anon’s steadily growing list. The pony sized bed in the bedroom just wasn’t doing it for him, so he experimented with sleeping on the sofa in the living room, but even that was too small. His legs hung off the edge and the armrest was angular, so his legs were sore after a while. Anon hasn’t had a good night’s rest in a hot minute. Hell, he slept better in the wilderness. Anon groaned and craned his neck to look at the clock on the wall. Lucky for him, although the symbols were chicken scratch, the position of those symbols were identical to that of a human clock. The clock appeared to read 7 in the morning, give or take. Anon groans louder, as he had woke up around 5. Anon slowly rolled himself off the couch, plopping on to the wood floor with a resounding thud.
Anon laid there, with only the sounds of the wildlife beyond the walls of his-er, the house. It wasn’t his. That would imply he was staying here, in this small, quiet little town. Meeting the princess of the...town, that made little sense the more he thought about it, yesterday did help a bit in easing his anxiety about this place. Still, he wasn’t keen on hanging around. As bad as living in the Everfree was for his health, it almost felt natural. Like, he was placed back into the state of nature that the ancient humans lived in. A world where you didn’t know what to eat, where to sleep, or the creatures that went bump in the night. It’s like he was settling back into that caveman mindset of eat, sleep, and repeat. Yet, here he was, living in a house, talking with sapient beings again. He would have to relearn basic social etiquette, get a job, and who knows if taxes are a thing or shit like insurance. It’s like an immigrant rolling up on the shores of America, having to start from scratch in a new land and with a new language.
Anon was startled by a knock at the door. As far as he was concerned, no one should be up at this time, no matter the society. The knocking continued, in intervals of 3 knocks, a pause of a couple seconds, then another 3 knocks. Upon the fifth cycle, Anon finally got to his feet and sluggishly walked to the door. He opened the door a crack and peeked down. Sure enough, it was Spike, sadly with no food in hand this time.
“Why do you have to knock so damn loud?” Anon growled. Spike retracted his hand quickly
“But you wanted me to knock last time.” Spike said, confused.
“Yeah, but not that loud and not that much.”
“Then how am I supposed to knock?”
“That’s not my problem.” Anon yawned, the time catching up with him.
“Had a good night’s rest?” Spike smugly asked. Anon responded by crossing his arms, his head tilting upwards.
“You’re acting awfully smug for someone in punting distance.” Spike grimaced at the thought, unsure if Anon would actually do so.
“Well, I know of a place that can give you a little pick me up?” Spike said, nudging Anon’s legs. Anon raised an eyebrow.
“Uh, Spike.” Anon started, a little worried. “I really don’t think someone as young as you should really be suggesting such alternatives.”
“What?” Spike asked flatly. They both looked at each other in confusion before Anon sucked his teeth.
“Ooooh, right. Ponyland wouldn’t have that. I’m sorry, continue with what you were implying.”
“I was just gonna suggest we head over to Sugarcube Corner.” Spike said, pointing a thumb over his shoulder at the gingerbread house in the center of town. “Some sugary pastries should be enough to wake you.” Anon missed that last part as he cringed at the saccharine name of the establishment. This was something he was gonna have to get used to or else he’ll never make it. Before Anon could make an excuse not to go, his stomach blew the lid on that operation by growling loudly
“Guess a doughnut wouldn’t hurt.” Anon mumbled and left the comfort of his- the, he meant the- house. Spike scurried up his pant leg, to his cloak, and finally on his shoulder. Anon was gonna question until he thought better of it and went back.
This time around, the residents weren’t so fixated on him. Sure, plenty of eyes followed as he went, but less ponies were running and screaming. He figured that there might be some in the town who were more easily frightened than others. It’s weird, sometimes he could barely distinguish these clearly thinking and sapient ponies from just animals. It probably also helped that it was the early morning, so not as many ponies were walking about to be set off by his appearance.
In little time, they reached Sugarcube Corner. Anon stopped at the door.
“You can push through this time,” Spike said, that damned smile on his face. “No need to knock.”
Anon glared at the dragon, who was thoroughly enjoying himself, as he pushed through the doors. The place revealed itself to be a bakery, an empty one at that. Anon walked up to the counter and noticed a little bell. He taps the bell once. No response. He taps the bell twice. Still, no one came.
“Are you sure this place is open?” Anon asked Spike, who could only shrug. Anon looked behind him, scanning the bakery once more for any sign of life, only to find none. But when he turned back to the counter, his vision was completely consumed by bright pink fur, big blue eyes, and a set of pearly whites.
“Hiya!” Said the figure, as Anon reeled back.
“JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!” Anon shouted, knocking Spike off his back as he backpedaled. He ended up tripping on the dragon as a result, falling on his ass and hitting his head on the floor. Anon sat up on his elbow with his arm, rubbing his head with his other hand. The pink pony let out an exaggerated gasp and leaped from behind the counter, pinning Anon’s legs with her muzzle right in front of Anon.
“Oh my Celestia!” The pony screamed, damn near making Anon’s ears bleed. One minute in and you wish you stayed on the floor. Your floor. The floor of the house you were living in. That floor. “I’ve never seen you before. And if I’ve never seen you before, then I’ve never thrown you a party before. AND if I didn’t throw you a party before-“ She was abruptly stopped by a pair of purple claws closing her jaw from behind. Spike peeked out with a nervous smile, as the pink pony continued to speak despite being muffled.
“Hehe, sorry about that.” Spike apologized on her behalf, since she clearly had no plans. “Pinkie does this with everyone she meets.” Pinkie, huh? What a creative name. You personally would’ve went with Rock Candy because she was clearly on that good shit. Spike let go of Pinkie’s muzzle after a few seconds.
“And if you weren’t born in Fairbanks, Alaska and served in Operation 40 in 1961, then you-“ The hyperactive horse stopped herself suddenly and blinked twice. Was that a reference? That felt like a reference. What was even the context of said reference. Oh God, this was gonna be a long day. “My name is Pinkie Pie. What’s your name?”
Anon stayed quiet for a moment, enjoying the brief silence of this hellish bakery he’s just entered. He briefly recalled talking with Spike earlier and has begun to realize that maybe he was talking about those alternatives. He pulls his hood a little lower and clears his throat.
“My name is Anonymous.” He states matter-of-factly.
“Ooh~ That’s a surprisingly normal name.” Pinkie uses a hoof to lift Anon’s hood up slightly, before shoving her face towards his until they were touching noses. Anon’s brow furrowed as he was completely blindsided by the action. “Is it because you wear this hood?” Anon pushes the eccentric equine back, causing her to slide away from him and across the floor.
“No.” Anon glared at her, to which she met back with only a smile. Anon felt something stirring within him, the same little thing that stirred when around Spike and when he met Twilight. But like hell was he going to let it influence him.
“Then why wear it, silly?” She moves to touch it again, before Anon’s hand snatched her hoof out of the air. She looked at the hand that grabbed her and the arm attached. She tilted her hand. “Hey, Nonny. Are you made of chocolate?”
“Don’t touch my-wait, what?” Anon was genuinely caught off guard by the question. Out of the corner of his eyes, he could see Spike snickering from behind Pinkie. Pinkie licked Anon’s hand, causing him to recoil in horror. “The hell is wrong with you!?” Pinkie didn’t answer as she smacked her tongue, clearly in thought as to the flavor she was currently investigating.
“Hmm. Sweaty, but also hairy.” She concluded, hoof under her chin. “But also smooth. Test inconclusive.”
“I’m not made of chocolate, you damn horse.” Anon wipes his hand on the cloak. “It’s melanin.”
“A melon?” Pinkie cocks her head. Anon resists the urge to facepalm.
“No, mel-la-nin. It causes pigmentation in skin, giving humans-wait, why am I explaining this to you?” Right then, Anon’s stomach growled, breaking his train of thought. Pinkie notices and smiles brighter than before.
“That’s the sound of a stomach in need.” Pinkie then began hopping in place. “I’ll be right back~” She sung as she bounced over the counter and into the kitchen, humming to herself along the way. Anon sat there, giving himself the time to recover from the past couple minutes. Anon looked to Spike for any sort of explanation, only to be met with a shrug and head shake. Seeing that he was just supposed to accept it, Anon stood up and took a seat at one of the tables. Spike joined him at the other end.
“Am I in some kinda cartoon world?” Anon asked, once he got settled.
“What do you mean?”
“It dawned on me with pink horse over there-“
“Pinkie. Pinkie Pie.”
“Yeah, whatever. No one in my world acts nor moves like that. Not to mention the bright colors and weird residents. It all screams fake to me.” Spike pondered Anon’s statement.
“It doesn’t feel fake to me.”
“Well, duh.” Anon waves Spike off. “You’re living it. You wouldn’t know your life is fake.”
“Well, what makes yours real?”
“Cause I come from a place that’s normal. Where ponies don’t suddenly show up and lick you, where ponies don’t build mirrors to alternate dimensions, and where ponies don’t live next to a deadly forest.” Anon picked up a donut and ate it. Little did Anon know, as he went about his raving, that Pinkie was setting the table before him. “By the way, why is the supposedly evil forest just an ass hair away from your village? That seems like a really dumb thing to do.”
“Uh.” Was all Spike could say, himself not sure of the particular history of Ponyville.
“Granny Smith would know about that!” Pinkie Pie interjected, now also seated at the table. “She was one of the first to settle here when Ponyville was founded. You can find her at Sweet Apple Acres.” Anon laid in his seat, now sipping a cup of tea that rested in front of him. He wasn’t the biggest fan of tea, but this one was so loaded with sugar that he could actually tolerate the taste.
“I don’t know if I care all that much.” Anon admitted. He took another sip, this one slightly better than the last.
“Well, you’re gonna go and meet everypony else, aren’t cha?”
“That wasn’t the plan. It also won’t be the plan.” Anon took yet another sip. Man, this tea is actually not that bad. Spike tapped his claws to his chin.
“That’s not a bad idea, Pinkie.” Anon saw Spike considering this and moved quickly to nip it in the bud.
“Nope. I’ve fulfilled my horse quota for the day. She alone has to have counted for five.” Spike and Pinkie both frowned.
“Aw, come on, Anon.” Spike pleaded. “Wouldn’t it be easier to just get it all out of the way now?”
“Or I could just, you know, not?” Anon finished his fifth donut, casually moving on to the sixth. While Anon indulged himself, Pinkie leaned over to Spike and began whispering in his ear. Anon looked on curiously, wondering what the two were planning. He suddenly saw Spike smile, with a hint of a blush. Anon raised an eyebrow, more curious than ever. Before he could ask though, Pinkie leapt from her seat.
“Well, if you’re going back home, the least I can offer you is a super duper special colossal milkshake?” Pinkie leaned towards Anon so far, she was practically balancing on her forehooves. Few things piqued Anon’s interest like a milkshake. And considering he actually liked the food provided so far, he didn’t mind the idea of one for the road.
“I mean, I guess, since you’re offering.” Anon relented, resting his arms on the table. Pinkie grinned her usual grin and once more hopped into the kitchen.
It wasn’t even a full minute before Pinkie came back to the table. However, upon her back, rested an enormous glass of milkshake, three times the size of the pony herself. Anon stared at the beverage incredulously.
“Where the hell did you get that!?” Anon said, preparing to leave the table. The milkshake tottered back and forth, as the pink pony struggled to balance the drink.
“From the kitchen, silly? Where else?” Talking seemed to have stolen Pinkie’s attention from balancing, as the milkshake began to tip towards one end. Realizing just soon enough, Pinkie began moving towards the other side. This stopped the milkshake from tilting in that direction squarely to the other. She repeated the process, scurrying around the bakery in an attempt to balance the truly colossal milkshake. But alas, it was no use as she tripped over herself in the process, causing the drink to spill...
...all over Anon.
“Oops.” Pinkie said, a hoof to her mouth. She gave a nervous giggle and blushed. “My bad.”
Anon was completely soaked. Drenched in what tasted like a strawberry-raspberry mix, Anon glared at the embarrassed pone.
“Well, there goes my one set of usable clothes.” Anon deadpanned, futilely attempting to clean himself of the creamy substance.
“There is someone who can make you a new set of clothes.” Spike said slowly, arms behind his back and eyes averted from Anon. That didn’t stop Anon from staring daggers at the dragon.
“You planned this.” Anon accused. “This was planned. I’m not stupid.”
“Yeah, we did.” Pinkie admitted, causing Spike to facepalm. “Buuuuut, did it work?” Anon wanted very badly to say it hadn’t, purely out of spite. But, then a shiver crossed his body as the cold beverage began to sink into his no-no zone. He sighed, standing up from the table.
“Come on, Spike. Pay the horse and take me to this someone.” Anon sounded defeated, both because he’d been forced into meeting another pony and that he was relying on a baby dragon to pay for his meal.
“Oh, there’s no need.” Pinkie assured Anon. “Consider it on the house. Or, I guess you could say, on you!” This seemed to amuse the pony greatly as she fell to the floor in a laughing fit. Every once and awhile, the pink one would let out a snort, nearly causing Anon heartache at the display. Before he could succumb, he makes his way to the door, praying he makes it through the day.
Chapter 4- Rarity, The Horse That Makes Clothes Despite Not Wearing Them
Anon stomped toward the circus tent that Spike assured him was the boutique, tracking milk behind him. Between this and the gingerbread house, Anon began to question the architectural intelligence of these animals. Regardless, he found himself at the door and pushed through, causing a bell to ring above him.
“Rarity?” Spike called from his perch. “You here?” A sewing machine could be heard whirring from the second story. Anon raised an eyebrow, as this was the second unequivocal proof of machinery in this rural town. Anon almost thought it was the first, until he remembered that weird portal mirror. Yet, that could chalked up as bullshit magitek. This though, this almost sounded like the real deal, something he heard and saw his great grandmother use. He’d have to see it for himself.
“One moment, Spikey-wikey!” The undoubtedly a horse yelled, the machine turning off. Anon looked to Spike.
“Spikey-wikey?” He parroted, to which Spike blushed and pouted.
“It’s a nickname, alright?” Spike resounded defensively. Before Anon could bully the dragon for his dumb nickname, he heard the telltale sound of hooves climbing down the stairs. This was yet another mare, with snow white fur and a curly purple mane. What struck Anon the most about this horse was that she looked all done up, even to a human like him. He could even see the blue eyeshadow and fake eyelashes. He wouldn’t go as far to say beautiful, but it was clear to him that she was trying. Anon silently counted backwards in his head from 3...2...1...and there’s the gasp.
“What in Celestia’s name is this?” The white pony asked no one in particular. Anon stifled a grin, amused that so far the white pony was the one that had a problem with him. The more things changed, as they say.
“Yeah, yeah. I know the song and dance.” Anon clears his throat. “I am-“
“Absolutely filthy!” The pony completed, her horn glowing a brilliant blue. Anon’s jaw dropped and he placed his hands to his hips.
“Aight, now that was rude as shit.” Anon said in his completely human tongue. “I didn’t come and talk shit about your ratchet ass hair, did I? I deserve a least a modicum of respect.” All this went over the pony’s head as she brought over a mop and bucket full of water. With no hesitation, she dumped the water on Anon, and by extension Spike, leaving them drenched. Before Anon could curse the pony out, several towels bombarded him from all signs.
“Honestly, Spike. You should know better than to bring a guest in such a state.” Rarity lectured. Anon grabbed the towel for a sec, attempting to pull it off of him, only to find that surprisingly difficult. “Darling, please. We will exchange pleasantries once you’re in a more respectable state.”
“Bite me!” Anon managed, before the towel covered his face to wipe it. After several more seconds of scrubbing, the towels came off. Anon was free of his milkshake exoskeleton, but his clothes were still damp, sticky and stained. Without hesitation, Rarity levitated a pair of glasses and measuring tape. She trotted over to the fuming Anon.
“Sorry for the rude awakening, dear. My name is Rarity.” Rarity begins to measure, Anon, who stood with his arms crossed and a scowl under his hood. “I’ve heard a bit about you from Twilight. You’re a rather…” Rarity searched for the right words.
“Tall, dark, and imposing?” Anon suggested.
“That could be one way to put it.” Rarity agrees, tapping her hoof to her chin. Anon rolled his eyes, both amazed and not that he got that right. “I also heard you’re not one for pleasantries, so what brings you to my Carousel Boutique?” She says that last part with pride. A pride that cause another eye roll from Anon, but admiration from Spike.
“Anon is in need of a new set of clothes.” Spike answered for him. “He’s kinda been wearing the same outfit for...6 months?” Rarity gasped.
“Hey, I wash!” Anon interjects defensively.
“Well, It’s not often I get to design for somepony who is not, well, a pony.” Rarity took but a few seconds to consider it. “However, your proportions are so unique to anything I’ve seen. Why, I can already feel the creative juices flowing with endless possibilities!” Rarity grew more excited with every word she spoke. She wrapped up the measuring tape, having gotten sufficient data on Anon’s body type.
“Hold your horses, horse.” Anon put up his hands defensively.
“Rarity!” Spike angrily corrected, tired of having to remind Anon of the names of his friends.
“Dude, whatever.” Anon rolled his eyes for the third time in thirty seconds. “Look, Rarity, all I want is a simple shirt and maybe some new, not so torn pants. Keep whatever bougie ass ideas you're inevitably thinking of out of my wardrobe.” Rarity recoiled from Anon’s attitude, frowning.
“Fine.” She let out a huff and stuck her nose up. “Because I’m a generous pony, I will assist you. Despite your rude behavior.” Anon glared at the pony, to which Spike elbowed Anon’s knee, causing him to buckle. Anon looked down to see the dragon returning a glare of his own. Deep down, Anon started to feel something akin to guilt, so he quickly crossed his arms and looked away from either of them, in the hopes to suppress it. He had a right to be rude. After all, he was the one dragged into this world and he wouldn’t have shown any more respect to any human that treated him the way any of these ponies had. Always pushy, always nagging, always smiling.
“Anon!” Spike shouted up at Anon, derailing his train of thought. “Your clothes.”
“What about them?” Anon asked, clearly having missed whatever was said to him.
“Take them off, dear.” Rarity ordered. Anon let out a sudden cough, which spiraled into a coughing fit.
“Ex-fucking-cuse me?”
“Take off your clothes dear.” Rarity repeated matter-of-factly. “There’s no sense in staying in those damp clothes. Here,” Rarity pulled over a room divider, concealing Anon behind it from their view. “You can change behind here. The idea seems to bother you quite a bit.”
“I thank you for your astute observation.” Sarcasm dripped out of every word. With slight hesitation, Anon began disrobing. There was precious little to take off, what with the cloak, pants, and shoes. A towel was thrown over the divider and Anon used it to wrap around his midsection. Suddenly, the divider was pulled away, catching the poor Anon off guard. Spike and Rarity looked on with intrigue. Anon, despite being very much a male, went to cover his breast from sight. “The hell, man?! That shit ain’t cool!”
“I apologize, my curiosity got the best of me.” Rarity admitted, a slight blush to her features. “I was merely wondering if you were anything like the Minotaurs.”
This place has fucking Minotaurs? Anon thought to himself. What kinda fairytale did I just land myself in? I better not be kissing frogs or defeating overlords.
“Yeah, Anon. I was kinda curious too.” Spike further admitted. “In honesty, you look more like a monkey,” Oh, Spike. If only you knew… “, except with less hair and no tail.”
“They are a distant ancestor where I’m from, but that hardly matters. Just...don’t call me a monkey again. That shit ain’t gonna fly.” The last sentence might be a bit hard to understand for the two, but the got the gist.
“Well, Anon. Since you insist on something, bleh, simple, it will take but a moment to make you a fresh pair of clothes.” Rarity began to walk around the boutique. “I just need to find a good enough fabric to start with. It won’t take but a few.” Rarity trotted over to a shelf containing several rolls of fabric of a wide assortment of colors and hues.
Anon was left tapping his feet, staring up at the ceiling as he waited for the mare to make a choice. He could hear her muttering about “too bright” or “out of style” and other excuses that nearly made him just yell out a color for her to pick. That was, until he caught a glimpse at Spike. Spike was completely mesmerized, staring at Rarity as she moved about the shop. Anon swore that he could see little hearts in the dragon’s eyes and emanating off his body. This got him to crack a smile, finding the idea of a reptile lovestruck with a mammal humorous. Anon, curious to see what Spike sees, looked along with him. Rarity was currently digging through a chest, her tail swaying from left and right as she hummed a little tune to herself. That, was when he saw it.
“Oh my God!” Anon shouted, quickly turning his head a full ninety degrees to the left. Spike was broken from his trance as he looked up at Anon.
“What?” Spike asked, confused. “What happened?” Anon was too busy in his thoughts to acknowledge the dragon’s query.
How didn’t I notice it before? Anon turned over thequestion in his head, over and over. Why didn’t I notice it before? Hell, why did I notice NOW? I mean, it makes sense. They’re animals, but they just don’t...seem like it. They’re fake horses, aren’t they? Straight out a cartoon or children’s book? What would they need with genitalia? Furthermore, what implications does this have on their society? Is that why she was confused why I was bothered? And most importantly, and this what scares me, will me being the only human here have some unintended consequences? I’ve been jerking it to curvy driftwood since I got here, but now that I know that sex is a thing here, do they have porn? And will I succumb to the temptation? I don’t want to be a horsefucker! Oh please, dear God, let there be humans on this fucking planet…
Spike was left to stare awkwardly at Anon, who had sat on the modeling table, hunched over with his hand under his chin. With as hard as he was thinking, he could put the Thinker to shame, surpassing mere imitation and becoming a full masterpiece of his own.
“Is Anon okay, dear?” Rarity said, having finished a simple t-shirt and pants. Both were made from cotton, the pants a dark grey and the t-shirt a pure white. Spike shrugged.
“He can be a little...weird at times.” Rarity, herself as befuddled as Spike, approached Anon with the clothes in tow.
“Darling, would you care to-“ Rarity started, before Anon snapped out of his pose to face her.
“I WOULD NEVER-“ He practically screamed, before seeing the clothes hovering before him. Anon, now blushing and murmuring, snatched the clothes out of the air and went back behind the divider. He had to admit, once he slipped his new duds on, they were surprisingly comfortable, better than anything back home. He figured the material here was somehow different, in ways he didn’t nor cared to understand. He stepped out from behind the divider. Rarity carefully inspected her work, eyeing Anon up and down as she walked in circles around him. Anon found himself slipping into his default annoyed step as she circled five too many times. Finally, she sighed.
“I’m not exactly proud of it, but it will do for the time being.” Rarity casted her judgement. “Anon, dear, you must stop by at a later date so that I can make you something more proper.”
“No promises.” Anon said with an expected bluntness as he made for the door. Spike groaned and facepalmed.
“I’m sorry about this, Rarity.” Spike apologized, running after Anon. “He really is a nice guy. Honest.” Spike mumbled those last few words, mainly to convince himself. Spike caught up with Anon and was in the midst of climbing his new pant leg before Anon had a thought.
“Actually, Spike. Maybe you can just walk for the rest of today. I’m not keen on you popping any red rockets on my shoulder.” Spike, confused by the expression, reluctantly obliges as the two leave the Boutique.
Chapter 5- Rainbow and Fluttershy, When Horses Fly
With no real plan for the rest of the day, Spike insisted that Anon meet with Granny Smith and learn a little bit about the founding of Ponyville. Anon reluctantly followed, as per the course. He was steadily feeling he was having less and less agency as time went on.
The duo found themselves walking a path that led away from the town, a nice change of pace for Anon. Instead, they walked toward an orchard one that seemed to reach as far as the eye could see. Anon’s eyes, while taking in the admittedly beautiful scenery, saw that the sun had left the highest point of the sky and was currently on its way to making its descent. He still couldn’t believe the day wasn’t over yet. He would give anything for the sun to just drop out of the sky, preferably onto him.
This thought of planetary assisted suicide was disrupted by a hawk speeding past Anon’s head, nearly clipping its wings against Anon’s face. Anon’s head whipped back to follow the bird as it flew off into the distance. He pondered why a hawk felt the need to fly that fast despite no visible prey in sight.
“Look out!” Called a voice ahead of Anon. It sounded a considerable distance away, so Anon casually swiveled his head back to the direction of the voice...only to find a speeding blue blur approaching him. Then, darkness.
It was only a few minutes before Anon’s brain caught up to the current time. He could hear ponies talking, along with Spike, but couldn’t make out the whinnying and neighing. Anon’s eyes were close and had half a mind to just keep them close but okay dead. But, against his better judgement, he slowly began to open them. He saw two ponies, one blue with a rainbow mane and one yellow with a pink mane, talking to the stout dragon. When Anon went to move however, his head vehemently decided against it, giving him a throbbing headache.
“Fuck.” Anon vocalized, catching the three’s attention. “Did someone catch the license plate on that truck that just hit me?” Spike ran up to Anon, his words now becoming clearer.
“Oh good, you’re awake.” Spike said, with a sigh of relief. “You should probably just lie down though. That was a pretty bad collision, Anon.” Out of spite and defiance, not only did Anon not lie back down, but stood up fully, his head screaming at him that that was a poor choice. Anon powered through regardless, standing with his arms crossed and signature glare.
“Woah!” The rainbow horse awed, flying up to Anon’s eye level. Anon decided it wasn’t worth it to think about the absurdity of horse wings, lest he risk a migraine. “This new guy is pretty tough!”
More like I’m just hardheaded. Anon wordlessly admitted.
“You must be Anonymous.” The rainbow continued. “Well, Anon. You’re looking at the one and only Rainbow Dash, the fastest flyer in Equestria and official member of the Wonderbolts!” She struck a pose in mid air with the biggest shit eating grin Anon’s ever seen. Oh yeah, she was already low on the list of ponies he’s met and they were all pretty low to start with.
“Uh Huh.” Anon replied, being as unimpressed as was physically possible. “So, when’s the part you apologize for ramming me at light speed.”
“Hey! I told you to look out!” Rainbow shot back. “Besides, I’m not used to someone so big blocking my way.” Excuses, excuses. This horse was full of them.
“Um, excuse me, Mr. Anonymous?” Anon heard from his left. He looked down to see the yellow one, speaking at a volume he could barely hear. “Don’t be too mad at, Rainbow. She was trying to help me reclaim a hawk that flew by. Oh, and, um, my name is Fluttershy.” With that it was official: pony naming conventions were stupid. Anon sighed.
“Whatever.” Anon threw up his hands in surrender. “I’ve come to accept that life here is insistent on being as inhospitable to me as possible. I get it.”
“Oh no!” Fluttershy perked up slightly. “Have you not been enjoying Ponyville?”
“No, I have not. This place has been a crapsaccharine nightmare.” Anon kept his glare now casting it on all three of them. “I genuinely preferred the danger and isolation of the Everfree Forest than the sickly, happy ass horses in this damned town.” Fluttershy and Rainbow simultaneously gasped, although for different reasons.
“You were living in the E-everfree F-forest?” Fluttershy said, her voice started to shake. “That’s so terrifying!”
“You were living in the Everfree Forest?” Rainbow asked incredulously. “That. is. So. Awesome!”
“Yeah, it was terrifying!” Anon shouted, anger rising in his voice. “And yeah, it was awesome! I spent 6 months there, without a clue on how to fend for myself. But, through my own wit and ingenuity, I made it out alive.” Anon began to pace, no longer facing the ponies to talk to them. “I got hounded by wolves made of wood everynight. I had to evade a manticore that hunted for a full day non-stop! I ate some weird blue plant and became deathly ill, with no medicine in sight! I even came across some leviathan in the swamps and nearly loss my fucking life! But I survived it all, all by myself.” It became clear to the ponies and Spike that he was no longer speaking to them.
“Where I came from, I had nothing. I was nobody. You see, where I come from, people developed a bad habit of judging people’s worth long before they could make something of themselves. As such, you grew up with no real goal other than to fit in a world that didn’t even want you. Didn’t care if you lived or died. Then, I somehow ended up here. For the first time in my entire, I felt free. No one to help me, no one to guide me. I had to figure shit out on my own. Blaze my own trail. Be my own man. And I fucking did! Now though? Now?! Here I am, in a little hamlet where I find a couple horses working on a portal to another dimension. Horses of all shapes and colors, with wings and horns, capable of levitating objects and flying at breakneck speeds. No matter where I go, anything I’m capable of is made pointless and irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. To top it all off, this place is so unbearably perfect. Since I got here, I’ve been taught a new language and given a place to stay by a dragon, fed and clothed by horses, and now I’m being led around to make friends like a goddamned toddler!”
Anon took a deep breath. His eyes shut tightly as he tried to catch himself from his rant. He was a bit surprised at the passion in his voice, as though he was representing this for a long time. The two ponies and the dragon that listened to him had all seated themselves, speechless the whole time. That was, until Fluttershy spoke up.
“I’m sorry to interrupt, but why is it bad to receive help?” Anon almost burst out laughing at this question.
“Don’t you horses get it?” Anon retaliated. “I don’t need help. Humans don’t need help. I was doing just fine before tubby over here dragged me out and around town like his pet!” Rainbow did not hesitate to get up in Anon’s face.
“Watch it, pal!” Rainbow threatened. “No one makes fun of my friends!” Anon was unamused, but before he could further incur the pegasus’s wrath, Spike spoke up.
“Anonymous, you do need help!” Spike pulled on Rainbow’s tail in a vain attempt to have her stand down. “I mean, look at what you’re doing! You’re being unbearably mean to everypony you meet!”
“Yeah, Spike. That’s what we humans do. It’s called “calling it how we see it” and as far as I can see, this entire town-no, this entire planet is naive and childish. It’s your willingness to befriend someone like me that’ll get you all killed.”
“We’ve solved plenty of problems with friendship, thank you very much.” Rainbow crossed her arms, turning his head up at him.
“Yeah? And how many times did your country almost fall as a result of only relying on peaceful, friendly methods?” Rainbow opened her mouth, but paused as she thought about it. “I thought so. Friendship isn’t the cure all solution. Sometimes the best thing to do is let sleeping dogs lie. That, or get rid of the problem entirely.”
“But, wait!” Fluttershy joined in. “Why would you say such an awful thing?”
“Cause being kind where I come from either gets you killed or exploited. Maybe both. You give a homeless man some money? Someone else will jump you and take your wallet. You speak out against injustice? Those who swore to protect you, beat you. You about your life with your head down? Someone will inevitably try and start shit. I was raised to expect nothing good out of life. Even in some paradise like this because the moment I do, the moment I settle, the moment I believe everything will be okay...that’s when everything goes to shit.”
With that Anon turns to continue down the path he was walking, leaving the two ponies behind. He suddenly felt a tug at his pant leg again. He looked down to see a Spike, eyes watering and lips quivering. This sight alone brought pause to Anon, who got lost in those big, sad eyes. Anon closed his own eyes, forcing them shut to hold back tears. He shook his leg violently until Spike came off, landing on his tail. When Anon opened his eyes, they were just as watery as Spike’s.
“This is why I told you to leave me alone, Spike.” Anon‘s voice wavered, threatening to crack. “I told you I was never going to adjust and I told you I didn’t belong here. I wouldn’t belong here. I couldn’t belong. I shouldn’t. I-” Anon struggled to say anything more. If he did, he would break right then and there.
Anonymous sat under a lone apple tree, resting atop a hill that looked out over the town of Ponyville. Anon would’ve remarked how odd it is that such a scenic location exists, if he wasn’t so downcast. He felt like the biggest damned fool to walk the Earth, or whatever this planet was called. He knew of the Kingdom of Equestria from Spike, but nothing about the landmass or anything else about the rest of the planet. Oh, poor Spike. If only he took a hint when Anon missed his bow shot. If only Spike just ran away to Twilight, instead of trying to talk Anonymous down from his hostility. If only Spike had given up on Anon, instead of attempting to communicate and form a connection. If only Spike accepted Anon’s wish to stay in the Forest, instead of giving Anon a home on the outskirts of Ponyville. Spike shouldn’t have had to deal with any of Anon’s bullshit.
Anon was well aware of his insecurities. He forgone any friendships in his old, in favor of isolating himself. He rarely connected with his family, both distant and immediate, in fears of how they would perceive their child. Anon created a mask for himself, a mask of someone who didn’t want to be bothered. Anon became that guy you walked past on the street, or that guy that sat in the train car ahead of you, or that guy who lived in a state approximately 55 miles away from you. Anon truly wanted to be Anonymous. Then, the only person he had to worry about was himself. And even he was too much to handle.
Anon sighed heavily, letting the stress of the day lay upon his shoulders. What was he gonna do now? After how he embarrassed himself, he didn't have the humility nor courage to apologize to anyone. Anon didn’t even really worry about whether his apology would be accepted because, given the ponies he met, they seemed the types to easily forgive and even apologize back. But, Anon knew that he wouldn't forgive himself. He would remind himself, without fail, that he didn’t deserve their acceptance nor forgiveness. They were some of the cutest, sweetest creatures he had ever met, all eccentric and charming. Yet, Anon pushed everyone of them away, either by remaining apathetic or outright being an ass. Heh, ass. Even in a funk, you could come up with a dumb horse pun.
Before Anon could resume his train of thought, he felt the tree shake behind him and an apple fell into his lap. Intrigued, he picked up the apple and turned it around. For the first time since he’s been out of Everfree, he examined the apple. When he first arrived, the first thing that struck Anon was how everything looked so colorful and full of life, from the most mundane branch to-
“Howdy, part’ner.” A voice spoke behind him, with a distinct southern drawl. Anon almost believed he was hallucinating it and was going mad, until he turned to see an orange mare in a stetson cowboy hat. Of course, he wasn’t halliculating. He probably couldn't even tell here.
“Sup.” Anon said, turning his attention back to the apple. He reached for his hood, in an attempt to hide himself and signal to the pony that he didn’t want to talk, until he realized he didn't have his cloak. He silently cursed himself out.
“Ah take it you’re that Anonymous fella’ everyone’s been talking about?” She asked. Anon noted that this mare was rather subdued compared to everyone else he had met.
“You’ve taken it alright.” The mare sat next to Anon, but far enough away to leave a gap.
“The name’s Applejack, though mah friends like to call me AJ.”
“Nice to meet you, Applejack.” Anon bite into the apple, hoping that a full mouth will prevent further communication.
“So, what brings ya to mah orchard?”
“I dunno. I needed a place to think. I don’t do that often enough.” AJ nodded in response. The two shared a moment of silence after that. It was oddly comforting, this companionable silence. Together they watched as the sun was beginning to set on the town. Anon couldn’t deny the beauty of the setting that laid before him.
“Ya picked a good place to think, Anon.” Applejack started again. “Ah’ve spent mah fair share of sunsets up here. Though, Ah am a little curious as to what you’re thinkin’, if you don’t mind me askin’.”
“I’m thinking about why I’m here, I guess.” Anon said after some hesitation. “I have no recollection of me ending up here. One moment, I’m walking through campus. Next, I’m in a forest. I wasn’t a boy scout and I hated nature, so I don’t know why I would enter one. I tried finding my way out, but that became a worthless endeavor. So, I figured maybe I was spirited away on a grand quest and I just had to wait ‘til someone found me and told me I was the chosen one. Well, I was left waiting for that and never did get it. All I’ve done since I got her is survive, not even live. I didn’t have anything to really live for, except maybe going back home.”
“Do ya miss home?”
“That’s a complicated question with a complicated answer. I miss my family, my pet, and maybe those modern conveniences. Everything else? Not so much. My home sucked in a lot of ways and I only want to go back because I’m used to it sucking. Here...I have no idea what to expect.”
“I dunno, maybe here could be a lot better than where you were.”
“That’s what I’m worried about. If this place truly is as friendly and happy as it seems, then why am I here? I don’t deserve to live in a utopia. Literally anyone, at pure random, can be in my position right now.”
Well, if it was a random chance that could’ve brought anypony here, then couldn’t you have equally been brought here by random chance?” Anon looked over at AJ, taking in what she said.
“Aren’t you a literal smartass.” Anon finally said after a beat. AJ let out a laugh, which brought a smile to Anon. “God, you fuckers are cute.”
“Ah thank ya kindly.” AJ tipped her hat to Anon, a slight blush on her cheeks. “Ain’t often we have outsiders tell us that.”
“Yeah, I’m trying to think of you guys as sapient beings, not just farm animals. You ponies aren’t so advanced where I’m from.”
“Ah reckon if you find it so hard to talk to us.”
“I find it hard to talk with anyone.”
“It doesn’t seem that way. Not with Spike, anyway.”
“He doesn’t count.” AJ looked at Anon with an eyebrow raised.
“Why not?”
“Uh, well, I guess he just reminds me a lot about...me? During those first few months, he told me what it was like being a dragon amongst ponies. Also, of how he debated whether he was really a dragon. Those are thoughts I’ve had too.” AJ nodded again and another companionable silence was shared...up until Anon’s stomach rumbled. “I don’t think just an apple is gonna cut it.”
“It is about dinner time.” AJ rose to her hooves. “I gotta cook for mah family and I’m fixing on apple pie mahself. Maybe we can share a slice with ya.” She winks at Anon.
“I don’t want to intrude on you and your family, AJ.” Anon declined, standing up himself. “If it wasn’t clear before I kinda have issues meeting people and making friends and whatnot.”
“Is that so?” AJ asked, confusing Anon. She asked that question as if it was so hard to believe. “Well, if that was the case, why’d you just call me AJ. Only friends do that.” Anon was left speechless. More so that he couldn’t think of a witty retort than believing Applejack was particularly clever. “If you want total honesty from me, and you’re gonna get it, I think you are completely capable of making friends. Heck, you already have, if you look hard enough. I also believe that you’ll find your reason for being here. If you don’t, why not make one?”
Anon stood, staring at Applejack as the sun finally fell over the horizon, leaving the two on the hill alone. Anon looked down at the town as ponies talked with each other, likely saying their goodnights and well wishes. It wasn’t too long ago that Anon was sure they all thought of him as some scary being, but now he was starting to think he was the one who was really scared. He looked at Applejack, a wide grin on his face.
“You’re a real one, AJ.” Anon told the mare, his own way of expressing gratitude.
“Don’t quite know what that means, but I’m much obliged. Now come one, let’s see if I don’t have any leftovers for you to take home with ya.” On que, Anon’s stomach growled. He let out a chuckle, following the mare down the hill towards the barnhouse.
Spike was making his daily excursion into the Everfree Forest. He marked himself a path in order to make the journey easier and less dangerous. This weird alien-human-creature had done a surprisingly adequate job of laying traps and making his corner of the Forest inhabitable. This wasn’t the first time somepony lived in the Everfree, just ask Zecora, but the fact that an alien could with no assistance was new. Regardless, Spike tried to inform him as best as he could about the creatures of the Everfree, despite their limited tongue. That very limitation was why he was even risking going into the Everfree everyday, with a few children’s books under his arm.
Spike finally arrived at the alien’s camp and nearly dropped his books in shock. The camp was completely decimated, his makeshift tent torn asunder, trees having been torn from their roots nearby, and in the center of the carnage, sat the alien, using his shirt to wrap his ankle. Spike could see a steady drip of blood. He sprung into action running up to the alien’s side.
“Woah, what happened here?” Spike said, forgetting that the alien’s understanding was limited. The alien put a hand out to stop the dragon. He gestured with his arms a big creature with wings, a tail that stabbed, and claws that swiped. “Oh, a manticore, huh? Yeah, I was afraid you’d find one eventually.” Spike looked back to find the alien ignoring him, probably because he couldn’t understand. Spike sat by a nearby log, waiting for him to fix his leg and the camp. It took a while, Spike had dozed off, but eventually the alien dusted himself of his work and sat by his campfire. Spike sprung awake, realizing the alien was free and walked back over to him, showing his book.
“No book.” The alien said slowly, keeping his eyes toward the fire. Spike could see he hated speaking those unfamiliar words. “Bad mood.”
“I understand.” Spike responds, equally slow. “But books help. Let you speak. Let you get help.” The alien snorted.
“I human. We human smart and strong. I need no help.” Alien picked up a stick and broke it apart to emphasize his point. He then added it into the fire for kindling.
“You are smart and strong.” Spike agreed condescendingly. “But the pony know land better. You could even live with pony!” The alien laughed, scaring the poor dragon with its suddenness.
“Live with pony? Funny!” The alien settled down, his smile quickly fading. “Why you like pony so much? You are dragon, yes? Should you not be with dragons?” Spike grimaced at the question.
“I...maybe. When born, I was always among pony. I was raised by pony, taught by pony, and loved by pony. But, pony didn’t know dragons. They didn’t know me.” The alien broke his attention from the fire, now listening to the dragon’s tale. “One day, I went to dragons. I thought I would be home with real dragon family. It did not feel like home though. I did not fit in and they did not want me to fit in. Do you understand? I am not pony, but I am also not dragon.” The alien nods.
“I understand.” The alien responds. “At home, I fit nowhere. Sometimes, it was because of this skin.” The alien pointed at his skin. Spike wondered what about the alien’s skin would make him not fit in. “Sometimes, it was because lifestyle. Sometimes, it was because of brain. Too many differences across too many groups. Too different so couldn’t fit in.” The two shared the ensuing silence, watching the fire crackle and burn.
“We not so different.” Spike broke the silence, elbowing. “We both weird and different. You...more so.” The alien snickered at the joke. Spike tried to think of something insightful to say and how to word it for the alien, but the alien suddenly stood up. Spike watched as the alien went over and picked up the books.
“We read baby book.” The alien said triumphantly. Spike giggled at the phrase. “I learn language and...we see what happen, yes?”
“Yes. We see what happens.”
Spike sat on the porch of Anon’s house. He figured that Anon would at least want to pick up his stuff before he inevitably went back into the Everfree. He sat with his head in his hands and a rather glum expression, reminiscing on the days he first met Anon. Spike has made friends before, with Ember and Thorax being chief among them. Yet, Anon, as frustrating as it was to deal with him, had something about him that stuck out. A depth that if Spike understood, then maybe Anon didn’t have to leave.
“You read like an open book, my guy.” Said a voice above Spike, derailing his train of thought. It was, of course, Anon. “How long were you on my doorstep?”
“Ever since you left.” Spike admitted, not meeting Anon’s eyes. “I at least figured you’d want to get your stuff before you left for the Everfree again. I just wanted to say goodbye.” He looked up at Anon, only to find a smug grin on his face.
“Aw, was wittle Spikey-wikey gonna miss me when I’m gone.” Anon taunted the dragon with baby speak. This riled up the dragon, shooting him up to his feet.
“Y-yeah, what’s wrong with missing a friend?” Spike asked defensively.
“On my world, we’d call that pretty fucking gay.” Spike was about to speak further until Anon cut him off. “Relax, I’m not running off into the Everfree again. I just had some...issues to work through.”
“So, you’re staying?” Spike asked hopefully, the anger dissipating from him.
“For now. Who knows, maybe I will get that call to adventure and have to overthrow an evil overlord.” Spike tilted his head. “But, for now, I’ll give this Ponyville a shot. The food is good and plentiful, the scenery is beautiful, and I dare say that your friends are, if nothing, interesting.” Spike was beaming at the news. He jumped up on Anon’s waist and hugged tightly.
“Thank you, thank you!” Anon cheered, rubbing his head in Anon’s gut.
“Ha, gay.” Anon mumbled before giving a limp, one-armed hug to satiate the dragon. The dragon looked up, though his face changed from one of happiness to one of caution.
“So, remember how you wanted your phone fixed.” Anon’s eyebrow raised. “Well, I may have snuck it from you and given it to Twilight. Who, in turn, gave it to Sunset.” Anon started to glare. “But! But, Sunset managed to not only bring it back to full power AND give you a device to charge it, she also managed to create something called an “internet connection”. So, now you can use your phone like you could at home.
Anon stared at Spike blankly. For a painfully long amount of time. Spike was beginning to grow worried that he did something wrong. Maybe he should have-
“My motherfuckin’ nigga!” Anon shouted with joy, ruffling the little, and now perplexed, dragon’s spines said they were hairs. “Pullin’ through for your homeboy, that’s mad respect!” Anon set the dragon down and took the phone back from him, powering it on. Anon’s heart swooned, reunited with the love of his life.
“Anyway,” Spike recovered. “Pinkie Pie had planned a welcome party in case you did decide to stay and-“
“Spike, I can’t do that.” Anon said, seemingly disgusted that Spike would say such a thing. “I have a date tonight.”
What.
“What.” Spike asked flatly.
“Yes, Spike. I’m gonna be busy all night, so tell your pink horse friend to postpone til never.”
“But, you...I…” Spike stumbled to find the words. “Who are you dating?!” Spike looked at Anon and tried to find an answer in his visage, anything to explain the sudden revelation. But all Spike could find was one, large shit eating grin from ear to ear.
“A lovely lady named Rosie Palms.” With that Anon slammed the door in Spike’s face. He stood there for a moment, processing the entire interaction. He then turned and looked through the city for any information on a pony named Rosie Palms.
