Paranormal activity, secret government groups, aliens and cults. This is the story of a crappy restaurant near a crappy town where weird things happen..
Like ”Tales from the Gas Station” but with ponies.
When most people travel to Canterlot they usually take the train. To be realistic it is a smart, safe, sensible way to travel. One that I fully recommend. Another way to get there would be using one of the many well patrolled, well maintained roads that will take you to Canterlot though a little longer depending on how far away from it you are.
However, there are other roads that can get you there as well. Some less secure. Some not so safe. And some downright dangerous. If you are so inclined to travel along one particular of these less safe, more obscure back roads. Past the forest of trees with faces of ponies screaming in agony that always appear during a certain time just before sunset. Past the trashy, ugly broken town made almost entirely of wagons and carts that have been turned into houses for the settlement of ponies that call it home. Follow the winding road past another lone pony always wearing a dirty pink bunny suit silently watching you as you pass by. You will most assuredly stumble across a small crappy twenty-four hour fast food restaurant called the GrabNGo. Attached to a crumbling hotel that no one has ever spent the night that borders yet another strange and creepy forest.
Walk inside and the first thing you’ll notice is the scent of expired milk mixed with cleaning fluids and other less desirable scents that I would suggest you don’t dwell on for too long. Go past the the rack of outdated maps telling you anywhere is better than where you are right now. Past old posters of food that never look as good as what we serve to you. Usually made by overworked and underpaid employees and booths that loudly creak with even the slightest of weight or movement. Make a left beyond the old soda machine that dispenses over fifteen different flavors that somehow all taste like orange soda while some kind of greenish ooze leaks from the bottom slowly eating away the floor right next to it. Its almost a foot deep now if any of you are wondering. Watch your hoof when you walk by it.
By then you should be at the front counter and find yourself staring at a white unicorn with a broken horn and a severely glazed smile stretched ear to ear. Along with eyes that never seem to blink and you have found....well that wouldn't be me. That would be Bright NSunny. A new hire who probably isn’t going to be working here much longer. Me? I’m the pony behind him trying to keep his head down and get through the day. Somehow trying my best to ignore all the weirdness at the Grab and Go.
Where should I start this? Let's see...Where should I begin? ...Well, I guess I could begin with that pony who is always dressed in that filthy pink bunny outfit that silently stares at you from the edge of the forest as you travel onwards towards your destination. Silently watching you from those black, eternally empty holes of its mask. Staring directly into your soul as if it knows all your deepest darkest secrets that you even hide from yourself...And I don’t want to talk about him right now so let's start this over.
Ah. I can hear somepony screaming from the bathroom. He must have just met “The Great Ravioli.” Now Ravioli is some kind of strange fortune telling machine that’s been haunting the restrooms in our little restaurant as far back as I can remember. No one has ever seen anypony bringing it in or leaving it. Always arrives out of the blue. Always. It’s the kind of antique machine you probably saw at cheap fairs and amusement parks that smelled of stale cider and urine. With drunken carnies looking for anyway they can to rob you of your last bit. The type of place that always costs more bits for less amusement. I have never seen “The Great Ravioli” myself but have had it described to me many times by those who have run across it. Usually meeting it as they step out of the stall. Staring straight into your soul you with those glowing orange eyes and wide grin as I’ve been told. Dressed stereotypically like some vagabond gypse. It’s mouth moving continuously in an up and down motion. Asking, no demanding to read you your fortune. As most scamper away from the machine. I have only heard of one who actually got up the nerve to actually get his fortune. Supposedly it said: “The end will always be up.” Not sure what that means but he did spend a week held hostage by fruit bats. So, you know, There's that.
Even rarer than The Great Ravioli is sightings of a pony known only as THE KING. Now THE KING is supposedly some tan earth pony wearing a white sequin jumpsuit covered in rhinestones with his black mane slicked back that travelers had been meeting even before I started working here. Again no one has ever seen him enter to exit the store. But if you, Luna forbid, have to use our almost never cleaned bathroom and may Celestia have mercy on your soul if you do. You may find yourself being serenaded by him with one of his songs. One unfortunate user who entered the bathroom claimed to have found THE KING had somehow brought an entire grill with him and was cooking hayburgers in the bathroom.
He supposedly offered one to the stallion who then ran out to tell us about it. Never did figure out how he was able to bring an entire grill into the bathroom.
So many things that go on around here that I feel I could and should tell you about. Like for example the two-headed cat named Frank that lives behind the dumpster out back. Or maybe I should tell you about why we’re not supposed to rent out room 19. Though it’s not like we ever have anyone stay anyway. Still unable to find out why all the rooms smell like ammonia and grape jelly left to spoil on a hot summer day then placed in a cooler. Like Grandma’s house, I guess would be the best way to describe it.
Hold on a second. Speaking of Frank I just saw him dragging Bright NSunny to the dumpster. I better go and get him so I can get off on time. Brb.
Back. I guess I need to change Frank to Franceen. Found out she just had a litter of adorable freakish two headed kittens abominations that glow with an inner greenish light. I do have to admit it is kinda cute how she was going to feed him to her brood. I just know Franceen is going to be a great mother to her hellish offspring. But I am wondering who or what the father is. Still I have a hunch after watching Bright NSunny run screaming down the road after I freed him that he probably won't be coming back. Like ever. Damn. That means I have to work a couple of hours longer today.
I think I should have mentioned that first. Sorry about that. I have been working in a crappy little twenty-four hour store called the GrabNGo for about, What? Three maybe four years now? I think. Not quite sure about it. Not quite sure about anything really. Time acts funny here. Not really a straight line but more of a “Choose-your-own-adventure” to the whole space-time continuity. Ever have a conversation with yourself? I have on numerous occasions and I have come to realize I’m a pretty boring pony if I’m being honest.
I just realized that the chocolate and creme cake rolls are missing from the display again. I hope they haven't escaped outside and are just hiding in the store. They had almost made to the outer walls of Canterlot before me and Penny ForaPound the other full time worker had been able to capture all of them before returning them back to the store. Not sure what they were planning on but I do know It involved the princesses and some sort of horrible death..
I seem to have gotten off topic.
Sorry, I had to stop there for a few minutes. Farmer Bryer’s cow had wandered into the place. The left half I think it was. Hold on lemme check...Yeah it was the left half. Not sure what the right half is doing. It had been using its two legs to slide around on the ground and even managed to make its way to the counter. I had to lean over pretty far to see its face staring back at me patiently waiting for me to help it. “Um, can I help you buddy?'' I asked.
The cow responded by making this weird almost primal noise sounding like a screaming foal that ended in a hybrid animalistic sound closer to its kind.
“WAAAMOO,” the cow called out.
“Sorry I don’t speak mutant cow abomination,” I responded back, “You gotta be more specific.”
“WAAAMOO,” the thing called out again, “WAAAMOO.”
It had taken a good several minutes for it to somehow convey to me that it wanted one of our apple pie desserts we had placed on a small rotating display next to the register.
Did cows even like apple pie? Huh, learn something new everyday.
“That’s three bits,” I yelled at the half-cow. Which it did manage to pay me. Not going to say where it kept the money or how it even had money or how it was able to lay three bits on the table before sliding out of the restaurant just a few moments before Farmer Bryer arrived. He did tell me he was definitely a farmer and not a member of a secret government agency. With his farmer black suit and his farmer sunglasses and his farmer earpiece that he constantly talked into.
He asked me which way the cow went and I pointed him in the direction he went. In the direction of the forest. Watching him as he wandered back into the woods from where he came. So yeah, that happened.
Anyway, I have to go to work shortly. And I need to take a shower and wash off the funk and then get dressed. I promise I’ll talk more about it shortly. The main thing to take away from all of this is my name is Rusty Nail and I work in a shitty little twenty-four hour restaurant called the GrabNGo at the edge of a shitty little podunk town and weird things happen. Until then to be continued.
“Aw.” said Penny, “Wait...Wait. I’m starting to turn again. WEEEEEE!” she cried gleefully.
There really wasn’t much else to do in the room we were trapped in. If I had to guess it looked like some old secret government research facility that was underneath one of the hotel rooms we have never rented out. I mean how cool is that? The both of us had been tied back to back on a rotating spit placed over a fire pit that hadn’t been lit yet. We've been there for awhile bored out of our little pony minds when Penny Forapound suggested playing I spy.
For those of you unaware. Which is probably all of you since I haven’t really mentioned her before. Penny is one of two other full time workers at the GrabNGo. She had started about a year ago and well, just fit right in. We worked together a lot. Gone through a lot of the strangeness that surrounded the crappy restaurant that we worked at and had become friends. I know one day I’ll have to explain everything as to how and why she started working here but that is a story for another time.
And let me tell you it is so welcome to have an extra pair of hooves for when digging a shallow grave. Who knew holes would be such hard work.
Anyway, my overnight shift had started like any other. Mindlessly slow. As usual I had made my way to one of the empty booths and started reading a book I had brought in for times like these. Which is almost always. Some time later Penny had come in asking me to sign a get well card for her neighbor that she made herself.
On the front she had drawn a sad faced cat hanging from a tree in crayon adding her personal touch with lots and lots of glitter and stickers. Opening it the card read “Sorry to hear that your front limb got eaten by a nightmarish creature from beyond the cosmos.” She even drew a picture of a sad faced stick pony with one of its limbs ripped off by a black, red, and green blob of colors with teeth. Even had swirling trails of red flowing downwards.Trails of blood I guess.
“I just bought it, do you like it?” she asked. Showing off the new dress she was wearing as I signed the card. It was a bright yellow piece with white lacing around the top that flowed around her as she twirled, “It has pockets,” she exclaimed excitedly.
Which I did agree. After that she announced she needed to powder her nose, immediately heading off to the restroom and me as usual went back to my book. It was a pretty good book I checked out from the library. I had gotten really into it when I noticed that I could see myself. I had narrowed my eyes realizing that I was staring at my reflection coming from a hunk of metal pressed under my face. Upon further inspection I had deduced that it was a knife pointed at my neck. The slight pinching at my throat confirmed my theory.
“Finally I goth your athention,” said a heavily lispy voice, “I thouth I wasth gointh tho hasth tho sthlith your throat.”
Of course. It just had to be the Custards. Chocolate and his younger louder brother Vanilla Custard. To call them nothing more than some inbred, trashy, pony yokels would be an insult to inbred, trashy, pony yokels everywhere. Chocolate Custard wasn’t a very tall pony about half my size while his brother was even shorter. Their grey dirty fur. Their black manes greasy and uncombed had started its own path up the evolutionary ladder judging from how many creepy crawly things I glimpsed moving around...Ew.
The two of them are well known throughout the town as being too stupid to actually be dangerious but were still a hurricane of trouble onto themselves. The oldest Chocolate was a quiet pony I avoided at all costs and I had known Vanilla Custard since elementary school and let me tell you the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree in that family.
Recently though there had been rumors of the pair doing strange, weird things in the forest surrounding the shitty town. Rumors connecting to the many cults and dark religions in the area. However, as the rumors continued none of them wanted anything to do with the pair of them. So the Custards had to form their own cult.
Right now they were being hunted by the royal guards for breaking into the rural farms around the area and shaving cows bald so I was quite surprised to see them in the Grab N Go. At first I just thought this was nothing more than a simple robbery. And boy there were going to be a little disappointed as I only had twelve bits in the cash register.
“Your coming with usth,” Vanilla cackled, “Sthart anything and I’ll thow you your inthesthinesth.”
Chocolate said nothing. Clearly the muscle of the group but eyed me warily...and the sign for Onion rings on the wall behind me. Oh yeah, one of his eyes was made of glass after losing his real one a few years ago due to some unknown accident that no one talked about. I do have to admit that it creeped me staring at it. Not quite matching his real one.
I saw his hooves tighten around the bat he had been carrying all this time. In the polite way that said in so many unspoken words I am going to be going with them with or without four broken limbs. My choice kinda way. Did he always have a bat? I think so. I can’t remember.
I carefully earmarked the page of the book I've been reading. Setting it aside while getting up to follow the both of them when Penny had to pick that time to walk out from the bathroom.
“He’s in the bathroom again and he wanted me to go to someplace called Nashville with him,” said Penny. Suddenly stopping as she caught sight of the three of us. She must have sensed something was wrong and I was in danger because she said. “I sense something is wrong and Rusty is in danger.”
The pair must have thought I was alone and had been caught off guard. A look of complete surprise ran across their faces. ‘Don’t do anything stupid,” growled Chocolate. And for a brief second I felt the glimmer of pity for them. Little did they know just how stupid it was going to get.
“Rusty!” cried Penny. Galloping to my side, squeezing my face between her hooves, “What have they done to you? Oh, your face. Your beautiful face. You will never be pretty again,” she sobbed. Burrowing me into an airtight embrace causing me to see stars float around my eyes from lack of oxygen. The more I tried to pull away the tighter she clung. I had started to lose consciousness when Penny had mercifully let go dropping me to the floor.
“Which one of you did this to him?” she cried. Her gaze locking on the two of them, “Which one of you hurt him?”
“Thutup.” lisped Vanilla, “We haventh thone anything buth their isth a thance ith could happenth if the both of you thon’t cooperate.” Vanilla said. Leaving us much much damper after he spoke.
I watched as Vanilla nodded to his brother who with one mighty swing his bat connected to the candy display set up right behind him. Sending candy bars, gummy worms, peanut butter cups and other confectioners delights sailing across the restaurant. Some of it actually still within their expiration date.
I saw the smug look on their faces. Sure that things were getting back towards their control. Which lasted for a moment at most as I saw a smile spread across Penny’s mouth as she announced. “Let's do this.”
In one swift motion she toppled the the apple pie display onto the ground. Kicked the soda display that I had spent all day stacking. Tore apart the condiment dispensers. Went to the booth and grabbed one of our chairs, smashing it on the ground until it fell apart. Then she grabbed the remains of the chair leg and tossed it straight towards the freezer window where we kept stacks of ice cream for travelers. The glass shattering at impact. All the while shouting “Anarchy! Anarchy! Fight the princesses! Fight the princesses! Anarchy!”
I have to admit that was an impressive display of insanity. Watching the two of them fight with their emotions to either continue or get away before it got worse. Any sane pony would have ran but they were committed to whatever they had planned for me...Or us now I guess.
I went quietly. Vanilla’s knife scraping against my neck made sure there were no heroes here. It took a little time for Chocolate to catch Penny and sling her over his back. As I was watching her I felt a little nervous that somepony was actually enjoying this.
I’m not sure how long we had been tied together in that room. Slowly rotating around and around and around. Wondering what was going to happen to us. Though I was even more concerned about how the Custards knew about this room and me and Penny didn’t. Or is it Penny and I? Is that how you are supposed to write it? I forgot.
“I spy…” said Penny
“Bloodstain. Bloodstain on the ceiling. Again.”
“How did you know?”
“It’s the only thing to look at.”
“Hey Rusty,” Whispered Penny.
“Yeah?”
“You know that really sharp filet knife I use to peel vegetables?”
“Yeah?” I responded feeling the first traces of hope starting to spring up.
“That would be really good to have right now.”
“Oh...Um, okay.” And once again those hopes dashed onto the rocks of disappointment.
“Easily cut through all of these ropes.”
“Okay.”
I just know she was going to go on about how great her knife was and how it would have helped us if she had brought it with her. But suddenly the only door had opened bathing it in orange light from torches as in walked the Custards. Now heavily robbed their hoods covering their faces from which they wore the...goofiest looking masks I had ever seen. The bigger one had on what looked like some cat mask that had been painted black with sharpened teeth. While Vanilla wore a bear mask. They went all out to make it look horrible and scary but it just came across as silly and lame. I mean I know there are some psychopaths that can work something like that. But not the Custards.
Arcane and forbidden runes had been smudged all over the robes. I couldn’t tell what they said or meant and if I had to guess I’m sure neither could they. They looked pretty sloppy and in the dull light of the torches it looked even worse.
The pair entered the room looking like they had been listening to their own horror theme music in their heads. I could see that Vanilla was holding something in his hoof but was still too dark to make out. Slowly they approached us. Their muffled voices filled the room as the pointed in our direction.
“What?” we both said at once.
Again they spoke to us louder from behind the mask.
“What?” we both said again.
“Thammit.” said Vanilla ripping off his mask. Setting off several curses.
“Look, Vanilla, buddy,” I said in a calm and reassuring voice, “Just let us go and we'll pretend this was all just a huge misunderstanding and forget about this little incident.”
“Screw that.” shouted Penny. “As soon as you let us go I’m going to march my way to the nearest guard post and tell them all about this. I memorized both of your faces and I will…”
She had more to say but my nudging her in the chest stopped her as she finally caught on. “I-I mean yeah. Well totally forget this ever happened if you let us go. Wink”
Yeah, she even said that. Wink.
“Thilence Thitheaths,” commanded Vanilla, “You lauthed at me. You all lauthed ath me.” Sounding like he had spent many hours standing in front of a mirror practicing his villain monologue. “You all thought I was nothing more than a losther. A failure. Now with this I am your masther. I will be your god. I will create a world with nothing buth darkneth and agony. You will all thuffer once I Thacrificeth your fleth.”
“Our what?” I asked.
“Yeth I will conthume your hearth and thoul in the name of Grailgoth the Devourer. Who will gain accthess tho our world and make me a god,” he said holding up the book he had been carrying for us to see. Which still didn’t matter as it was too dark to make it out anyway. “Tho what do you think?”
“Um, okay,” was all I could think of responding. If I had a bit for every time I had been captured and sacrificed to some hell demon for world domination I’d have six bits by now. Still as far as rituals went this one was kind of a disappointment. The Custard brothers weren’t the best of readers. Plus on top of that the words were written in some ancient pony language that neither of them could really decipher. All and all it was a pretty sad thing to watch. Making me wonder just how did they get this far?
“Conthra….Conthraa...Conth,” Vanilla lisped trying and failing to form the words aloud while his brother silently watched us from afar.
“Yo, need a hoof?” asked Penny.
“Thutup I know what I’m doing.” he growled. Getting defensive.
“It’s obvious that your reading from the forbidden book the Ponynomincon. Sounds like one of their ritual spells. Need help forming that word there?”
I was confused as to what Penny was planning or if there was even any plan going through her mind at all. Even more confused as to how she knew what they were reading. Still it took a few minutes for Vanilla to finally admit defeat as he brought the book over to her to look at the word. Grumbling all the way he brought it to her face to read.
“Conthranotis.” she exclaimed proudly.
“Conthranotis?”
“Conthranotis,” she repeated. The both of us watched him go back to his circle.
“Penny.” I whined.
“What?” she asked innocently.
“Don’t help them.”
“Oh.” she finally said.
The slow spin had lulled me into a sense of drowsiness and I had trouble keeping my eyes open. Their broken chanting wasn’t helping either. I wondered what was going on back at the restaurant. I hoped that the family of stray two-headed cats behind the dumpster hadn’t found a way back in and started drinking the bleach again. Bless their little blackened hearts.
“Ith’s working. Ith’s working,” squealed Vanilla with joy, “I can feel hith presenths through me. Now for the nexth thep. Removing their hearths.”
It was then I saw Chocolate bring out some thrange...sorry strange sharp looking knife he had been hiding under his robes and...Ew. It was rusty. It was dull. It was old and clearly had never been taken care of. Which I guess was the effect they were going for. But still...Ew.
What came next was what I would say very poor planning on their part. First they tried to light the logs underneath us to get the fire going but they just wouldn’t light. I don’t think either of them had ever lit a fire before.
The next thing they tried was to cut the skin off our bodies. Unfortunately Chocolate just had to drop the knife in the darkened room. Accidentally kicking it across the floor. It bounced off a few things before finally stopping at parts unknown.
Penny and I (I and Penny?) could hear the both of them scramble around in the darkness looking for it. Vanilla constant yelling echoing around the room. As they searched for what must have been quite awhile before giving up.
“You thitheadths,” he screamed, fighting to keep the tears from flowing, “Your all thitheadths. You alwayths hated me. Now I will never get to be a god of desthruction and thorment thouls for all eternity.”
I do have to admit feeling a little sad for the pony. All he wanted was to destroy Equestria and make everypony suffer in unbearable agony from here to eternity. And yet, everything that can go wrong has gone wrong so far. And now he wont be able to strip the flesh from our bones for his dark ritual.
I was about to suggest maybe we could try again tomorrow. When a hellish light shot from under the very ground bathing the room. Then a noise followed. Growing louder and louder as it came closer. A jumble of thousands of voices speaking words that could never be understood as they all fought the other voices to be heard. The chaos of eternal anguish mixing with the feral desire to inflict their agony to all that came across the thing. Should I say things instead as it appeared the mashings of thousands maybe millions of creatures melding into a mass of faces and screams. The insanity of eternal torment given flesh had been freed from its dark well. Twisting and turning its way towards us. Or better yet towards Vanilla as he did summon the thing.
A mass of black oily tentacles sprouted from the creature. Incredibly fast extending directly towards The Custard. Twisted around his small, fat screaming body and dragged him back towards the creature, Back towards the eternal darkness leaving a trail of black slime as with one effortless motion the abomination engulfed the frantic pony before falling back into the pit where he came. And then....
The world, no the universe seemed to snap back to what it was before. Like nothing had ever happened. Though I could swear I heard the faint echoes of somepony calling us all “Thitheadths.” In the darkness.
As for Chocolate Custard I don’t know what happened. He vanished shortly after that incident leaving the both of us alone. Also it turned out that Penny did have that knife all along. Just forgot she did. Which would have been really helpful had SHE REMEMBERED EARLIER! But that’s neither here nor there.
Took us a short while to cut ourselves free. Then the both of us headed out and trekked towards the nearest guard post and told them what happened. Of course they investigated everything. Even made us write witness statements as to what had happened. Then tore them up and made us write it again. Making us leave out the summoning and the Custards. And the Ponynomicon. And the nightmarish thing from beyond.
So one again I’m back at work now and everything is back to loosely what I would call normal. As I write this in-between customers I can see the pony in the dirty pink bunny suit watching me from outside the restaurant just at the edge of the streetlights. He notices me staring at him and holds up both his hooves in a very rude gesture. Then he points to me, then his crotch and starts thrusting with his pelvic for a few times before prancing back into the woods behind him.
Still as everything is calm for now I still have a few questions. How did the Custards get a hold of something like the Ponynomicon? And how did they know about the room? Anyways some customers have entered once again and I have to help them. I’ll write some more when I get off. Until them to be continued.
It was dark like a summer night in the woods as I stood alone. Surrounded by an infinite desert comprised of black sand sitting under a sea of stars. Entranced, I stood there finding myself listening to something pouring out from the nameless void spread in front of me in all directions. Listening not with my ears. But with my being. My soul.
Each star a note. Every creation from the stars above me to the sand under my hooves an instrument for some celestial orchestra. The music of the universe. The music of the infinite Composed even before my world had ever come to existence it had been playing for so long, and still it was beautiful..So damn beautiful. I could feel this galactic melody play on and on while I could do nothing but listen. I felt a great calm overtake me. Filling me with a peace I had never felt before. “Listen to us,” The music seemed to say, “Let us show you the everything of the cosmos before you.”
I saw a vast world like no other. I could see the silhouette of many Palm Trees scattered throughout the land while I stood in the center between towering pyramids and ancient statues of unknown ponies garbed in clothing I could not recognize made from blackened stone the same color of the sand. And through it ran a clear blue river flowing all the way to parts unknown. It was lonely yet beautiful.Haunting with a hint of tranquility yet an a foreign joy for the secrets it contained waiting, just waiting to enlighten some schmuck like me. And among this beauty. This perfect place was her. She had been waiting. Waiting for me.
Her skin was green like Lyra but hairless without mane or tail. Black lines crisscrossed along her body as if she had been assembled and I knew that if I got close enough to look I would have been able to see what was behind her through those lines. In her eyes swam galaxies. Celestial universes swam in her eyes. She was a thing of truth. A pony of learning. An angel. A goddess. A creature of such beauty had called me to her and I had finally come.
“Rusty,” she spoke not with words or even a voice. But with her own music passing through the physical and directly implanting into my mind. “Rusty,” she spoke again.
“Yes?”
“Rusty of the GrabNGo greetings. I am your spirit guide. Finally you have come. There is so much happening. So much to teach you. So much you need to learn.”
“Really?” I asked.
“Yes Rusty I must prepare you for things to come. To get you ready for the great evil that will be arriving soon.” she said still smiling at me.
“A great evil?”
“Indeed. But first I must lay some ground rules. Rule number one: No kissing. You wouldn’t believe how many times I have come to someone and the first thing they want to do is make out. Rule two…”
There was more she was going to say when I heard the sound of a muffled thump as the pony before me grew silent. A confused look crossed her face while her eyes glazed over shortly before the pony crumpled to the ground. And behind her stood...Penny holding a rock in her hoof.”
“No need to thank me,” she shouted, “Let’s go before she comes to.”
I could feel the land start to sway and turn with some force starting to pull me back away from this world. “Penny,” I whined, “That was my spirit guide. She was supposed to show me the secrets of the universe...or something. Come to think of it she never really specified.”
“Oh,” said Penny letting the rock fall from her hoof with a look of guilt. Absently prodding the pony on the ground a few times with her front leg before slowly backing away. “Um, Sorry.”
There was more but then the pull had overtook me and found myself falling upward. Falling away from this world. Falling away from the universe. Falling, falling until I woke up…
And I was back inside the GrabNGo.
Hello all to those who have been following me so far. And hello to those who have just started. My name is Rusty. Rusty Nail and I work at the shitty restaurant called the GrabNGo. Which is on the edge of a shitty town filled with shitty ponies and well, weird stuff happens here.
I had fallen asleep again in one of the booths before my overnight shift started. Its been happening a lot recently. Not sure why but it’s getting worse. This problem has left huge holes in my memories where I have no clue what I had been doing. I mean things are getting done so there's that. But I admit to being a little worried after working a nine hour shift and having no recollection as to what I did during that time. Fortunately I have been keeping notes on everything so the night isn’t a total loss. Apparently I have been writing on everything I could get my hooves on. Napkins, receipts, paper bags. And keeping them in order too. I’ll have to thank myself for doing that. And so without further ado I’ll start with the first one.
Midnight: Came to work and relieved Fools Gold. A quiet unicorn mare who had been working for us for about three months now. Counted my cash drawer, did the dishes. Moved a crate of fries to the fry bin.
12:33a: Completed my inventory checklist and served six ponies. Two of them I’m sure weren't real. Then sat in one of the booths and started to read a book I bought from the library book sale.
12;48a: One of the overhead lights had gone out. I had grabbed the ladder from the back of the store and proceeded to change it out when Farmer Dill Pickle came in wanting some food. Incidentally he was the one who about a year ago raised some hell about serving some hayburgers we made to his pigs which he claimed turned all their faces into ponies constantly screaming like newborn foals. He threatened to sue us and we eventually calmed him down with a few coupons for a free double hayburger meal with the purchase of a new one. So there's that.
I admit to not paying attention like I should have but I was focusing on changing the light and let me tell you those things are hard to take out and install. I think he must have gotten impatient waiting for me to make him something because he came over to me and started shaking the ladder to get my attention. I remember him yelling at me to stop what I was doing and fix him something when I had lost my balance and fell straight down. I would have been hurt really bad had not Farmer Pickle been standing right under me. I’m okay in case any of you are wondering. Just a couple of slight bruises. As for Farmer Pickle…
A loud crack echoed throughout the restaurant. Followed by the sound of air being expelled like a balloon deflating. I laid their stunned for a moment on what I thought was the ground wondering why it was so warm...and kinda comfy. Even with all the bones it was still kinda nice. Who knew laying on ponies could make you want to sleep.
It took me a few moments for me to clear my head and realize I was laying on a dead Pickle. I know. I know what you're going to say. I should have called the guards. I should have gotten help. I should have done a lot of things but I didn’t. Instead I panicked I grabbed the body of Farmer Pickle and dragged him into the cooler hiding him under some old storage blankets and pretended that nothing happened while my mind raced for a solution.
1:17a: The pony in the dirty pink bunny suit is staring at me again from the edge of the streetlight. Does he know? If he did would he tell anyone? I dunno. Right now he just keeps dancing around and around in a circle. Occasionally glancing over to me to make sure I’m watching him. Once he held up his hoof at me in a rude gesture again before stopping to just stare at me.
I’m not sure when he disappeared. I took my eyes away for a second and when I looked back he was gone.
1:24a: Cleaned out the rat traps and wiped the windows. A pony came by wearing a suit and coat three sizes too big for him. His black mane was oily and clung to his head and neck. The pony was pulling a cooler with wheels attached to his. He came over to me and asked if I would be interested in selling meat in the restaurant.
I told him we don’t usually get carnivores here but if he wanted he could ask the owners. The stallion then opened the cooler and gave me a pound of that stuff wrapped in parchment paper as a “free sample” he said before leaving. I thanked him and put it in the cooler then proceeded to forget about it.
1:35a: I killed Farmer Pickle...again. I was in the prep area cutting the vegetables to prepare when I heard someone shouting at me. Of course I went to the front to serve them and who should I see but Farmer Pickle standing behind the counter. Angry that he had been waiting for awhile. I could feel my chest tightened as the air escaped my lungs. It couldn’t be but it was Farmer Pickle? I knew it was him. My mind was screaming that it was him. Right down to his yellow tobacco stained beard that confirming that this had to be Farmer Dill Pickle.
I could feel a rush of relief running through me. Hooray, I didn’t murder anyone I thought at the time. But still this pointed to even dire things. Did my mind finally pick that time to start breaking down? I knew it was only a matter of time for this to happen. Ever since that incident so long ago I had known my mental health was only going to go so far before I ended up in some asylum for the rest of my life. Staring at the pretty colors with a line of drool going all the way down to my hooves. I just hoped it wouldn’t have been this early.
He had ordered his usual. Two hayburger deluxe, extra ketchup, no pickles. Medium fries and a large soda. All the while complaining about how young ponies these days don’t value hard work like they used to apparently. I made what he ordered and went about my daily routine. Confused and more than a little worried. I killed him. I know I did. Yet there he was sitting in one of our booths stuffing his face.
I wanted to check the cooler but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t make myself go in there and see. I just didn’t want to take that chance. Either way was terrible somehow to myself.
My thoughts were interrupted by loud gasping and wheezing noises coming from the dining area. Along with the sound of upturned furniture and tables being tossed. Quickly I galloped to the front and there was Farmer Pickle fed faced with his hooves around his neck. Clearly choking.
Instinctively I ran to him. My training took over as I wrapped my hooves around his torso and started thrusting into his stomach hoping to dislodge the particle of food that was blocking his airways. In my defense I would like to point out that I did clear his throat allowing him to breath again...If only I hadn’t forgotten I was still holding the knife.
I must have stabbed poor Farmer Pickle a good number of times before he collapsed to the ground. Dying before he even hit the floor. His last words were some muffled groan that I’m sure meant “Don’t worry Rusty I know this was an accident and your conscious is clear from any wrongdoing. So don’t feel guilty and have this incident scar you for the rest of your life.” but who can say. My mind became blank for a short while. Deciding to check out after killing him again for the second time. Letting me know it would be back when things calmed down.
I did what I could. I cleaned up the mess and dumped Farmer Pickle on top of the first one. Taking a few moments to realize there were two Farmer Pickle bodies in the cooler.
I know I wasn’t the sharpest tack in the bunch, and with everything that had just happened a lot of emotions were going through me. Still, why were their two Farmer Pickle’s in my cooler?
3:15a: I noticed somepony had left a coffin sitting by one of the tables in the back. I saw it after taking care of a late night rush just a short while ago. Wasn’t the first time this had happened. As a matter of fact we had a total of eight different coffins five times since I had been working here. I ended up putting it out back near the dumpster. Hopefully, it will be claimed.
3:21a: The pony in the dirty pink bunny suit is back. He’s at the window this time. Running his hoof up and down the pane. Making an ungodly squeaking noise as he stares at me.
3:28a: Brought out the breakfast dishes. Dropped a pile of bits into the safe. Ignored the floating sphere when it stole an order of fries before disappearing into one of the overhead vents. I marked it on the food loss sheet before continuing.
3:43a: Farmer Pickle is dead again and this time it wasn’t my fault. It started when I had taken out the trash. I threw the last bag of garbage into the dumpster and sat down for a few minutes to catch my breath. I admit to feeling frazzled over the incidents of the night and really just didn’t know what to do.
I was sitting there lost in thought when I felt something rubbing against my rear leg.The soft glow filling the area around me with a greenish light let me know one of Franceen’s hellspawns had come over wanting some love. “Hey there little fella,” I said placing it on my limb. Stroking both of its heads with my hoof. His eyes rolled back in pleasure as it made a deafening roar like a chainsaw that I took it to be a purr. “Aw, you're not so bad little fella,” I continued. And for a brief moment I felt that everything was going to be alright. That I would get through this. That maybe. Just maybe someone out there is looking out for me. Watching over me.
Then the fucker coughed up a hairball from both of its heads and pooped on my leg. Disgusted I jumped up brushing off the mess as best I could. Ready to go back inside to clean myself up at the kitchen sink when I found yet another body of Farmer Dill Pickle stuck to the side of the dumpster. Apparently Franceen and her brood can spin webbing out of their butts. Who knew?
They had tied Mr. Pickle in a cocoon of ass silk and drained him dry. Just a husk of a pony by the time I had found him. Fortunately he was also a lot lighter to drag into the cooler and dump on top of the others.
4:13a: Did more dishes. Filled out the temperature log. Did inventory. When that was done I read.
4:38a: Mopping the dining area while listening to the music piped in. And no for any of you asking I don’t sing or dance along with the songs when I’m alone. Especially that new single from Countess Coloratura. Although in my defence if I did. They play that song like a hundred times a day. Just over and over again.
Anyway I may or may not have been singing to a certain song that had been playing when it happened again. Static began to erupt from the speakers in the ceiling drowning out Coloratura’s voice voice in an audio of white snow. Replacing it instead with the calm low voice of a stallion as he quietly spoke.
“Princess Celestia is sleeping. Princess Luna has entered Bonbon’s Dream. There are eight more ponies in Canterlot than yesterday. Moon Dancer has four pairs of shoes. Fleur just ate a strawberry cupcake with cream cheese frosting.”
On and on would the voice state these random facts. I’m not sure how the restaurant is getting this or why. But we have been randomly picking these transmissions for almost six months now. Always at night. Always at random. The voice would drone on and on without a break wile spouting random facts to who I don’t know.
“Captain Stout Oak has fallen asleep at his post. Fluttershy is crying. Octavia has accidentally snapped all the strings off her cello.”
What is even weirder than that is sometimes the voice will tell things that no one should know. Like which mare is going to find out they are pregnant before they even know it. Once it stated the death of a Canterlot noble of a heart attack eight hours before it happened.
“Squiggles has killed another pony. Twilight Sparkle has fallen asleep on the train to Canterlot. The dog to pony ratio in Canterlot is 3.016 to 2.35. Daring Do’s favorite color is red.”
Even more was when the voice started talking about me.
“At the GrabNGo there is an earth pony named Rusty Nail. He is threat level Echo. Rusty Nail suffers from dissociative amnesia. He is aware of transmission.”
“Oh yeah? Well I’m aware of your...Face,” I shouted in panic. Realizing two things right after the words escaped my mouth. One, how stupid it is to shout at a speaker. And two I really needed to work on my smack talk.
There was more. The voice continued to talk for another moment before another wall of static assaulted the speaker so loud it forced me to the ground as I tried my best to cover my ears in an attempt to block out as much as I could. When suddenly it stopped and I could hear the last few chords of “The Spectacle” song fade away.
4:50a: Serve five ponies. Counted my drawer. Mopped the dining room floor. Finished getting the store ready for my relief. I then went to the back to dump out the mop water and when I came back I found yet another dead Farmer Dill Pickle. Apparently he had slipped on the water near the counter, smacking his head against it as he fell to the ground and broke his neck. And for the record, yes I did put out a wet floor sign.
Once again I dragged the body to the back cooler to place with the others. Finally registering that there are four dead Farmer Dill Pickles. Before I could do anything the cooler open and in walked Penny and Fools Gold each of them carrying yet another dead Farmer Pickle. Who knew Farmer Dill was so easy to kill.
The three of us stared quietly at each other in that unique way where you were too embarrassed to make eye contact. A lot of shuffling and clearing of throats until finally I said the only thing that came across my mind. “Well this is awkward.”
6:01a: Finally finished burying all the dead Farmer Pickles. The three of us had made some space for them behind the restaurant between the dumpster and the forest. Ignoring the sounds of what sounded like children giggling from deeper in the woods.
And I have to say we were running out of room behind the GrabNGo. Me, Penny and now our newest employee Fools Gold had buried a lot of monsters out back most of the, not all but most of them stay in the ground. And I noticed that we were running out of room. I wonder what we are going to put the bodies when there is no more space?
Anyway, I had finished dumping the last shovelful of dirt over the last grave and Fools Gold insisted on having us all say a few words before leaving. Forming the three of us into a semicircle around the five graves and making us bow our heads before speaking.
“Oh Mister Farmer Dill Pickle,” she started, “All six of you. We commend your soul to Pony Heaven. Or whatever religion you worship and hope you are happy in your final resting place. Your life was taken away from Equestria too soon and you will be dearly missed. Gone before we got to know all or any of you. May I hope you rest in peace.”
“Amen,” Penny and I said at the same time.
“Penny? Would you like to add something?” Gold asked.
“Well...er...I’m not really good at this but…,” Stumbled Penny, “Um...Once I served Mr. Pickle at his table and he tried to run his hoof over my flank so I punched him in his face. Had I known this was going to happen I might have let him.”
“That was sweet,” murmured Gold before turning her attention to me, “Rusty your turn.”
I admit the first thing that came across my mind was a bunch of dead pony jokes. I pushed them away before I added to the eulogy. “Once I made Farmer Pickle a cup of coffee and he said I had done a good job.”
“Amen,” said Gold.
“Amen,” we followed.
We had a moment of silence before heading back into the restaurant where I counted down my drawer before putting it in the safe. Gave Penny the keys before I headed home. And I remember none of this. Which explains why I’m filthy.
There is more to write but right now I really need to shower and change. So till next time reader. To be continued.
