"Right," he said, "so you wanna hear a story about some ponies? I've got a story about ponies, but you may not believe it.
"So Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle are waiting at the trainstation one day, because Pinkie's Pinkie Sense told her that something important was supposed to happen there. Sure enough, when the train arrives, Pinkie finds this weird stallion who she decides is the pony her sense told her to meet at the station. He's got a red mane and a blue coat and they look hideous together. He's pretty shy and doesn't talk much – seems almost afraid of being near the two ponies.
"His name (get this) is Lothlorium. It's a terrible name, especially for a pony. He says it's because he's from very far away, but he's hesitant to give exact details.
"So Pinkie and Twilight accompany him to Ponyville's hotel in spite of the latter's best wishes, and then they all part ways. Twilight flushed the incident from her mind, until... the next morning, when she wakes up to Lothlorium hanging out in her room, watching her sleep. But now he's all bouncy and happy and hyper, and she finds this really weird. Spike thinks he's cool, though, so all three of them have breakfast together. Soon after breakfast, Lothlorium leaves the library en route for Rarity's place.
"Rarity meets a handsome and debonair stallion with tragically mismatched colours that his charm and grace more than make up for, and that her fashion talents soon hide and soften. They hit it off and go on a date, which Rarity tells Twilight all about the next morning at a picnic, only to... be interrupted by a red-maned, blue-coated pony with a heavy country accent taking a walk with Applejack, whom he just finished helping with farmwork. Twilight is perplexed. Rarity is perplexed further.
"Rainbow Dash flies in and lands in front of Lothlorium, who suddenly starts scowling and challenges to a hoof-wrestle. It looks like he's about to win when all of a sudden, Fluttershy shows up and his legs turn to putty. Dash defeats him and he whimpers an apology for wrestling with her.
"Pinkie Pie bounces onto the scene and suddenly Lothlorium wants to throw a party. Twilight, who's starting to see the pattern here, steps up to Lothlorium and touches him on the shoulder. All of a sudden he's trying to engage her in a conversation about astronomy. She pushes him towards Rarity and the conversation switches to star-spangled fashion design. Rarity is removed and replaced with Rainbow Dash and suddenly Lothlorium is talking about making her see stars, and not through a telescope.
"Twilight gets an idea, and has everypony reach out their hooves and touch him on his shoulders and snout. Lothlorium freezes up for a moment, and Twilight's afraid that she's broken him or something, but then he snaps out of it and starts crying.
"Fluttershy asks him what's wrong. Eyes filled with tears, Lothlorium tells his story.
"Where he's from, the six Elements of Harmony are well-known, but not openly. The rulers of his people have deemed any information related to the ponies to be too dangerous for consumption and have hidden and destroyed most of it. But Lothlorium is an avid admirer of the ponies, and he's managed to collect all kinds of things about them – pictures, stories, recordings, and even dramatic re-enactments of their adventures.
"It wasn't to last, though. Someone got wind of his stash and called the police on him. Lothlorium remembers sitting in a dank basement, listening to the sound of sirens above him and clutching... a sheaf of papers related to the ponies. But before the police could get him, there was a magical blink of light and he was teleported to the train he recently got off.
"Lothlorium finishes his story and is met with silence and awkward stares. The ponies smile kindly at him, and tell him that frankly they're a little freaked out by his obsession with them. Twilight gives him a business card for a psychiatrist and then the ponies leave. Pinkie says goodbye, and Lothlorium forlornly bounces away.
"Meanwhile, a pair of workers haul the last crate of MLP contraband into the warehouse where that sort of thing is kept. They exchange some sad words about the last poor soul who had a nervous breakdown because of the insidious human voodoo at work in the Friendship is Magic DVDs and slime out of the warehouse, slapping each other on the back with their tentacles.
"...What, don't believe me? I can show you the warehouse... well, the My Little Pony screening theater they replaced it with, anyway.
"That's just what happens when you mess with humans, kid."
On a grey winter's day, Dr Genome Map put the finishing touches on a spell that would forever shatter the public's image of the alicorn. For thousands of years, an alicorn's birth had been a rare event of great significance. The few alicorns born in Equestria's history went on to become pivotal players in shaping the nation, two of them – Celestia and Luna – defeating a great evil and becoming Equestria's supreme, immortal rulers.
So it was with great scepticism that the public received Dr Map's news of a spell that could force an act of fate. All that was needed to birth an alicorn, he claimed in a press release printed on the front of every paper in the country, was a pegasus and a unicorn to conceive while enchanted with his amazing new spell.
For eleven months, the nation waited with a bated breath. Meanwhile, the burgeoning cinema industry tapped a nerve with a slew of exciting, idealised romance movies starring unicorn and pegasus leads, and hit gold with immense popularity of on- and off-screen lovers Lightning Strike and Cosmos Quill.
Nearly a year after Dr Map's announcement, during a warmer winter, he was proven right by the births of ten new alicorns. By this time, the Princesses had wisely revoked the age-old policy of inducting alicorns into the nobility, much to the disappointment of many interracial parents. However, even without that incentive to go with it, parenting an alicorn swiftly became a popular aspiration.
After the heat of Lightning and Cosmos's affair cooled down, savvy executives captured the interest of the growing teenage alicorn market with inspiring films about the difficulty of growing up as a subspecies still in the minority – the teasing, the stares, and the immense pressure of having to succeed at flying and weather-control for Dad and magic for Mom. Between a Cloud and a Leyline kickstarted the acting career of Lightning and Cosmos's daughter, Clouded Moon, who went on to achieve even greater heights of stardom than her parents.
Alicorn foals grew to be taller than other ponies on average, and many often outshone their pegasi or unicorns peers at flying and magic-usage. Studies conducted indicated that the strongest and most enduring ponies in the country were still all earth ponies, but the greater size of the alicorns meant that they were catching up fast.
Dr Genome Map retired to a mansion in Haywaai, and his eager successors soon found a way to cast the alicorn-birth spell across the whole of Equestria, permanently. They succeeded, and from then on, every foal born to a pegasus and a unicorn had both wings and a horn.
In an interesting trend, the number of children per pegasus–unicorn couple actually decreased. Behavioural scientists hypothesised that it was because both parents could now relate and teach what was dearest to them to a single child. A few unsubstantiated studies and morning television programs – most famously The Star Shower Hour – claimed that this made the families of pegasus–unicorn couples "closer" and "more accepting" on average than any other kind.
Within a few generations, it became abnormal and backward for a unicorn or pegasus to date among their own subspecies, and fewer and fewer did.
Quasar Nova, the last unicorn, died three hundred years after Dr Map's announcement, surrounded by her loving children, alicorns every one of them.
A dark shadow in the doorway interrupted Rosemary's reading, and she glanced up to see a tall, cloaked figure standing just outside the door to her one-room schoolhouse. Gracing the pony with a smile, she put away her book and eased her hindlegs off her desk and onto the floor.
"Hello, my dear," she said sweetly. "Do you want something?"
The pony wore a hood, making it impossible to see her face, but a faint blue glow was visible through its fabric. Rosemary's old mind slowly worked through the unicorns with blue-coloured magic she'd had in her classes over the years.
"Only advice," said the unicorn, speaking in gruff, obviously magically-altered voice. "I was one of your students, Miss Rosemary, when I was younger. In the bad old days."
Rosemary laughed sweetly. "I imagined you were, dear," she said. "Nopony in my current class is quite as tall as you, and I don't think their parents would let them roam around this late at night. Now, what do you want my advice on? Would you like to take a seat? These chairs might be a bit small, but I can give you mine."
"No," the unicorn replied bluntly. "This will not take long. I just need you to help me decide something. I am... confused, and I need a guiding light – some principle to steer by."
Rosemary's old face creased into a smile. "An old earth pony like me can't be any good with guiding lights, but I think I can give you some principles."
The unicorn's hood shifted slightly, as if she was nodding. "Miss Rosemary, I need to know whether love is more important than duty. Does it matter more that I am loved than it does that I do what is required of me?"
"Well, young lady, I should think anypony worth her cutie mark would know the answer to that one. I don't know what your situation is like – a star-crossed love affair with some dashing stallion, I'm going to imagine – but love is always more important than duty, if you want to truly be happy in life. There will always be somepony else to do duties, but only you can ensure that you receive that love which is your birthright as a pony, a child of the celestial spheres."
The unicorn was silent for a moment, pondering this.
"Dear?" Rosemary asked, after an extended pause.
"Thank you, Miss Rosemary. I now know what I am going to do."
Rosemary smiled, her old eyes scrunching up. She barely had time to wave goodbye to the unicorn as she turned tail and galloped out into the night. She was glad to help somepony in need.
The night sky was sprinkled with stars, but dominated by the sun. Even in the era of chaos, this sight was rare. When Discord ruled Equestria, the common was uncommon, as there is order even in repeated chaos, and order's no fun. Discord played in his Equestrian sandbox, crafting new, unique chaos with the utmost care.
But this was not to last, for eventually a challenger reached his castle, which, that day, sat in the skies. And she brought with her a sister, and they stood in the throne room, looking defiantly up at their lord. He laughed a great, haughty laugh, tears rolling from his eyes. The challenger and her sister, winged unicorns both, proclaimed an end to Discord.
Each sister wore matching necklaces and tiaras, and made them glow with a soft, stern word. Discord rolled his eyes and laughed in their faces, feeling mocked they would even imagine that jewellery could have any effect on his reign. The very thought was absurd. He rubbed his mismatched hands together, and told the sisters to prepare for pain.
With a swift kick, the jewellery was shattered, and the sisters cried out in shock. Discord chuckled and soon removed two pegasi from the flock.
Party! Party! Gotta party! Always having parties. Super, super happy pony parties! Ponies love my parties; every party is successful. We don't have anything to do but party these days, not since Tuesday. Our new friends assure us we'll be taken good care of, and won't ever need to work again, not ever again.
But we have to get the partying out of our systems, because later we're all gonna have a really long nap! It's going to be lovely and refreshing, but not if we're too energetic! We'll sleep in boxes, and be displayed everywhere. So many people will see. We'll be loved. Cared for. Cherished. Collected.
A large white door creaked closed, and the sound of footsteps descending stairs started and grew fainter.
"Hey, girls, he's gone!" whispered a tiny voice. "Now, who remembers his password? I wanna read more stuff about me!"
"Rainbow, while I'm very glad that you've taken such an interest in reading lately, I think you need to find some new interests. Ones that aren't quite as... egocentric."
Rainbow Dash brushed off Twilight Sparkle's concerns with the flick of a plastic hoof. "I can't help it, Twi! It's just that I'm really awesome to read about!"
"I don't know Dashie..." said an apprehensive Pinkie Pie, emerging from behind the computer monitor. "I didn't really like that story you made me read about us..."
"Pfft, what a scaredy pony! I thought it was hilarious!"
Just then, the air flickered with sparks of purple light and Rarity appeared before the others, flashing them a winning smile. Her mane was damp from a recent styling session.
"Wow Rarity," Twilight gushed. "I'm very impressed with the progress you've made on that teleportation spell!"
"Thank you, Twilight darling," Rarity replied warmly. "It is quite amazing how much one can learn in times of great need, is it not?"
"A-HEM."
The four ponies glanced behind them, at the source of the noise. Applejack stood a few centimetres away from the group, a frown set into her face.
Trotting up to the group resolutely, she cleared a throat again before launching into a very well-practiced speech, "Maybe it would nice if y'all worried just a little less about your appearances and just a little more about tryin' to find us a way back to Equestria! Rarity, you ever think you should be a little more concerned about tryin' to teleport home instead o' tryin' to teleport into the bathroom to prissy up your mane?"
Rarity cast Applejack an incredulous glance. "A lady must always strive to look her best, dear Applejack. Without my meticulous personal grooming, I am no better than the 'ponies' of this world."
The group collectively shuddered at the thought of the visit they'd taken to the petting zoo with their "owner". They'd all found it horrible, even when Twilight tried to lighten the mood by discussing the parallels with parts of satirist Swift Quill's Poniver's Travels.
"You're just sore because you left your hat at home," Dash taunted, sneering at Applejack. "We're on an adventure!"
"Why I –" Applejack stopped herself and took a deep breath. Rainbow Dash was just teasing her, and she knew that.
Meanwhile, about half a desk-length away, Fluttershy was perched on the windowsill, engaged in a long conversation with pigeon twice her size.
"Oh, how wonderful!" she said. "I'm so very happy for you, Mister Face."
"Fluttershy!" called Applejack. "Please say g'dbye to your friend and get over here!"
Fluttershy nodded meekly and slunk away from the windowsill, casting a forlorn look back at the pigeon, who was ignoring her and bobbing his head back and forth.
Once all six ponies were gathered in a circle, Applejack began speaking, "Now girls, I know we've had some fun and excitement here, but we've all got families and responsibilities back home, and I'm certain everypony's worried sick about us. Seein' as how Rarity's gettin' so good with teleportation, maybe she can help Twilight power up a 'get home' spell?"
Twilight rubbed her chin with a forehoof. "Hmm... I suppose it's worth a try. I won't really know if we're capable of casting that until we attempt it."
"Alrighty then! Everypony hold hooves!"
"Aw, but I –"
"You'll have plenty'a Daring Do stories ta read when we get home, Dash."
"Fine."
The six ponies gripped each others' forehooves and closed their eyes in concentration. Little diodes flicked on in Twilight and Rarity's horns.
***
*** Ponyboy joined #mlp <twilitsprakel> hey pb! <TheLavenderUnicorn> Hello Ponyboy. <Ponyboy> sup guys. Uh.......... something really weird happened here <oneNote> ? <TheLavenderUnicorn> Do tell. <Ponyboy> someone broke in and stole my ponies! <twilitsprakel> what?! <oneNote> ! <TheLavenderUnicorn> Who would do such a thing? <Ponyboy> i dunno...... but you know what else is weird?? They didn't break the window or the door and they left something behind <twilitsprakel> srsly? <TheLavenderUnicorn> What did they leave? <Ponyboy> a complete first season boxset, it's just lying on my desk <TheLavenderUnicorn> Bizarre. <twilitsprakel> score! <oneNote> ^
"The floating fortress, a creaking ancient thing of leaky cloud and broken stone, floated into position above our town a year ago today," said the Mayor of Ponyville, adjusting his notes with a hoof and spectacles with a field of magic. "Although we initially suspected it to be abandoned, the search party we sent up found that to be very far from the truth indeed..."
Young Comet Trail looked up at his mother pleadingly, his eyes begging her to take him away from the Mayor's boring speech. He remembered the day of the fortress's arrival quite well enough and had no need to hear it retold in the most boring and roundabout way possible by the stuffy old mayor.
"Stop that!" his mother hissed, brushing his side with a wing. "Be a good little colt and listen to the Mayor."
Comet Trail rolled his eyes and turned his attention back to the Mayor's podium, but with no intention of listening. He cast his mind back to what he remembered from the day of the fortress – no doubt a more exciting tale than the Mayor's.
He'd been playing catch with his friends in the park when suddenly a great big shadow floated above them. All the ponies around him had stopped what they were doing to look up at the great big fortress in the sky, wondering what it was and where it had come from. There was scattered muttering and lots of oohing and aahing.
When it became clear that this floating construction had not been sent to Ponyville from Cirrus, Cumulumbia, or any of the other cities of the Equestrian skies, that mild interest turned to nervousness and fear – or in some cases, burning curiosity. Was this strange floating thing a gift or the forefront of an invasion force? Did it come from the griffons, or might it have travelled all the way from the faraway lands of the harpies? Was it dangerous?
Comet Trail later found out from his father, who was part of the search party, that the floating structure was actually an ancient fortress, fallen into disrepair. He and the other townsponies theorised that it had come loose from some long-abandoned, long-forgotten cloud city – one that used a lot of marble pillars in its architecture, apparently.
He also heard that the fortress had been inhabited by a group of ponies, but his father had said very little about that, and his mother had addressed all of his questions with "I'll tell you when you're older, dear". He hated it when his parents said that.
Comet Trail's mother nudged him with an elbow, knocking him out of his reminiscence. "Pay attention to this next part, Comet – I think you're old enough to hear it now."
Comet's ears perked up to listen to the Mayor's speech for the first time.
"...but sadly, the poor ponies aboard the flying fortress had been cruelly mutilated. They were all sick, emaciated things without horns. Although our medical professionals tried to save them, most passed away within hours of the fortress's arrival, and the rest within a few days."
Comet gasped. No wonder he'd never seen any of the ponies from the fortress! They didn't have horns, and everypony knows that ponies need magic to survive.
"So today," continued the Mayor, "we remember those poor, brave souls who rode the floating fortress that still casts a shadow on our town to this day, and we renew our vows to bring the ones responsible for their mistreatment and torture to justice."
At this, the Mayor's wings flared out, and so did those of everypony in the audience. They looked up at the floating fortress and put their forehooves to their chests. The Mayor led them in the singing of the Ponyville anthem, and their horns lit up the night sky.
With a tinkling sparkle of magic, Trixie pushed her dark glasses down her snout. "WHAT YOU WANT, FOAL?!"
The small white unicorn quivered beneath her, holding an autograph book up with to Trixie with shaking hooves. Out of the bottom corner of her eye, Trixie saw that the unicorn was wearing a t-shirt with a picture of her on it. Somepony was getting sued later.
"I-I've got a quill here too," the unicorn said meekly, her underdeveloped telekinesis struggling to lift a garish yellow feather from where it had fallen on the ground.
"SAVE YO ENE'GY!" Trixie slammed her head down, cutting into the foal's autograph book with her horn. She twisted up, back, left, right, and in a circle. "FREE O'CHARGE!"
"Th-thank you, ma'am," the foal gasped, looking like she was going to faint.
"AIN'NO THANG."
***
Two days later, Trixie's tricked-out automatic carriage crashed into a lamppost just outside the Canterlot Academy of the Musical Arts, its engine smoking. Flashing the crowd a winning grin, she leapt from the wreckage and rolled across the red carpet. The carriage exploded behind her, showering the crowd with broken bits of wood.
"HOW Y'ALL DOIN'?" she shouted at the crowd, leaping to her hooves. "I'M HERE FO' MY AWARDS."
The crowd went wild, cheering for Trixie and booing the haters. There was a lot more booing than Trixie had expected, but she put it down to an increase in hater population. Somepony was getting sued later.
Trixie entered the building and took her seat near the stage. She'd have to be right near the stage, seeing as how she'd be taking home a lot of awards. Somepony could get real tired, going up and down those steps and carrying all those trophies, she thought. She'd tried to negotiate with the organisers to have her seat put on the stage, where she only had a short distance to walk, but they'd said no.
She'd been cool about it though. They wouldn't be saying no anymore when she collapsed from exhaustion and sued their flanks.
Trixie whipped out a bottle of something good to amuse herself with while the ponies around busied themselves with the boring, pointless awards she didn't qualify for. Why did they even have those?
***
Time flew.
"...and the award for best rap album goes to..."
Trixie sat up, eyes wide and ears alert. She quickly tossed her now-empty liquor bottle into the crowd somewhere.
"...Sweetie Belle! For her excellent debut, 'I Am A Dictionary'!"
Seeing red, Trixie dashed onto the stage, reaching the podium before whoever the hay this "Sweaty Bull" was. "WHAT?! WHAT IS THIS?"
"Uh, Miss Lulamoon, c-could..."
"MISS GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE LULAMOON, THANK YOU!"
"M-Miss Great?"
Trixie knocked the podium over, making the meek announcer pony jump in fright. "'MY GREAT DARK TWISTED POWER FANTASY' SHOULDA HAD THIS AWARD?! DID Y'ALL READ DA REVIEWS?!"
"I-I don't –"
A wooden board creaked on the floor of the stage, and Trixie turned to see the intended recipient of the award, Sweetie Belle – who was the little unicorn she'd given an autograph to days earlier.
Sweetie Belle waved. "I-I'm really happy for me getting this award, but 'My Great Dark Twisted Power Fantasy' is the greatest rap album of all time!"
Trixie grinned, showing all her golden teeth. "AWW YEAH!"
The air around Daring Do was musty and stale – almost suffocatingly so – but her soft, spluttery coughs were, to her, a special kind of victory whoop. She had solved every riddle, evaded every deathtrap and was now about to claim her reward – knowledge, for the benefit of all of Equestria.
She surveyed the markings carved around the walls of the small chamber. They contained a familiar message, one she'd seen carved all around the rest of the tomb. Her best translation was:
"On my mountain, I am ruler of all I see For all that is mine lies under me."
To Daring, it seemed slightly ironic that Tirek had had his coffin placed in the lowest chamber of his tomb with that philosophy. The coffin in question lay in the middle of the room and was a plain grey slab of stone, and she approached it carefully.
"Well, here goes nothing," Daring said, taking a deep breath and pushing the stone lid up with her forehooves, straining and grunting as she did.
The stone lid clacked to the floor, and a cloud of dust rose from the coffin, momentarily obscuring Daring's view of "Equestria's Forgotten Scourge", the tyrant who had hunted and enslaved her ancient ancestors.
The dust dispersed. Tirek wasn't much to look at, all thin and swaddled up in bandages. Daring wasn't sure how old he'd been when he died, or how it had happened, but now she was that much closer to finding out.
A bracelet with a familiar phrase carved into it adorned his right wrist.
"Guess all that's yours now is a bunch of rocks," Daring said, snickering. "Let's get you out of – wha?"
There was a deep rumbling in the chamber, coming from the ground below. The stone lid shifted on the ground, and Daring had to crouch down to steady herself. Flakes of rock fell from the ceiling. The tomb was shaking, as if in an earthquake – but that couldn't have been possible! Daring knew that Tirek's tomb wasn't on or even near any fault lines.
The shaking worsened, and Daring felt her stomach lurch downward. She was going up. "All that is mine..."
Eyes wide, Daring stared into the coffin. She felt something rough enclose the end of her foreleg.
Deep in the colourful rolling mists of Dream Valley, Gonzo the Griffon and I sat with our backs to a rock and plotted our course. That we had waited until this late moment to do so perturbed me greatly, but he was in the one in charge.
"Now here's what we're gonna do, dollface," he said, smirking. "You're gonna use that pretty little horn of yours to light up some of them gems under that there ground, so we all can see them all clear-like. As I explained before, the little critters love gems. A nice light show'll bring them here in droves."
I shivered at the tone of his voice, but nodded my compliance. "And if I do what you ask, then you'll let my sister go free?"
"I guarantee it, little lady."
There was no worth in his guarantees, but having one was better than having nothing. "Very well then."
My shaking forehooves clasped the top of the rock we stood behind, and I peered at what little ground I could see through the mists. There was a patch of bare earth just ahead of us, and even before my spell was cast, something deep inside me already knew of the gems buried beneath it.
I took a few deep, measured breaths, calming myself and focusing my energy in the way my mother taught me. My horn glowed with its gem-locating spell, and soon the earth before me was alight with the brilliant reds, greens and blues beneath it.
"Good, good," I heard Gonzo say behind me. "Our little friends should be here any moment now."
Eyes peeled, I focused on the glowing ground.
"Any moment now. Keep the magic steady."
A current of mist drifted over the glowing ground, and then something quite peculiar happened: the current seemed to break off from the rest of the mist and hover for a moment as a lonely cloud. It grew more and more opaque, and its hazy edges became defined. The mist drifted down to the ground and took the form of a little round creature with four stubby legs. It hopped animatedly around the glow beneath it. I swear I could hear it whooping and chirruping.
"Excellent. An grade-A for sure." In the corner of my vision, Gonzo's wings unfurled. He clutched a fine net between his talons. "Three... two... one..."
With astounding speed, Gonzo leapt into the air and pounced, his net ensnaring the helpless little creature between my startled blinks. It yelped for an instant before falling silent.
The creature hadn't any eyes, but it felt like its back was staring right at me, with my glowing horn and wide-eyed stare. I shivered.
Gonzo stuffed the net in a pack on his back before grabbing my forehoof with a rough talon. "Mission accomplished. Now we go."
With a mighty flap of his wings, Gonzo lifted up into the sky, muffling my screams with his other talon.
***
Sweetie Belle had been under a sleep spell the entire time. The poor dear woke up in her own bed the next morning, completely unaware of what she had been through. When she looked at the calendar, she wondered at having missed two days, but I told her she was just being silly. I don't think I was very convincing.
I was relieved that Gonzo had kept his word. Neither he nor his associates had laid a talon or a hoof on Sweetie Belle, and they released her once I had fulfilled the task given to me.
Still, a criminal is a criminal. Gonzo had the nerve to offer me a position as his full-time partner. He just chuckled when I didn't even dignify such a request with a response.
The little creature from Dream Valley was sold to a pair of shady unicorns in dark suits and even darker glasses, probably for an exorbitant fee. I try not to think about the part I've played in all of this. At least Sweetie is safe.
I told Twilight and the others all about the whole ordeal as soon as I was free, of course. They were absolutely incensed – Rainbow Dash wants to hunt Gonzo down and buck his beak skew. Twilight recommended I go to the police, and I did. They're searching for Gonzo and his people, but nothing's turned up yet.
I'm scared that if something does, he'll come back for me. I keep seeing him around town, lurking in the shadows, but he disappears as soon as I blink. He can't be in Ponyville anymore – I'm quite certain he's long gone by now.
It's probably just the sleep deprivation. I haven't been able to sleep a wink since I helped captured that little mist creature in Dream Valley.
It was a dark and stormy night, and the Clocks were all striking Thirteen.
"Ow! Stop!" cried Thirteen Shades, famous writer pony, as the hardcore timepiece-themed gang of donkey bikers beat him within an inch of his life.
Meanwhile, somewhere else, Twilight was reading a book about science or maybe or magic or possibly the science of magic. That last one would make the most sense because she is a pony in Equestria, and you know, ponies in Equestria have magic instead of science. I wish we had that, maybe then I wouldn't have to sleep so much in science class.
Anyway, so Twilight was sitting there all quiet-like, minding her own business and readin' some words on a page. She looked so innocent and naieve, like a plate of waffles no-one had had sex with.
A very tasty plate of waffles, thought Pinkie, psyching herself up for her role in this shipfic. She'd always preferred comedies, but her mother had cancer and her sisters all had triple-AIDS and their medical bills didn't pay themselves.
Pinkie walked up behind Twilight, doing some sultry sashaying and slaloming and stuff, it was super hot, if you're a pony I guess.
"Hey Twilight, I love you because you're smart, and because in that one episode we dressed up like Sherlock and John and I love to write slashfics about them, so let's sex!" she said, cutting through at least seventy chapters of subtle, slowly smouldering relationship-building bliss I had planned. Oh Pinkie, why you gotta break the fourth wall so much?? It must be because it is super funny and always leaves the reader in stitches.
"Sure!" said Twilight, looking like she'd just found the lost library of… like, sex plus something Twilight would like, I guess.
***
Twilight and Pinkie emerged from the library hours later, looking exhausted.
"I hope you enjoyed my exhaustive lecture on the reproductive habits of every animal known to ponykind!" Twilight shouted after Pinkie as the latter head for home. "I'm not even using a disgusting metaphor euphemism thing here, that is actually what we did. Whoever wrote this story is basically the best at subversive parody, and I totally do not want to have his babies because that would make this look like some weird self-insert which the author is too good for."
Little did Twilight know, the author sadly wasn't too good for beating self-deprecation into the ground with blow after unfunny blow. He cries himself to sleep every night.
It was past eleven on Hearth's Warming Eve and Fluttershy couldn't sleep. She tossed and turned under her covers, she stopped tossing and turning and just lay still, she tossed and turned some more but in the other direction... but it was no use. Sleep refused to come to her, so in the end she just lay flat on her back, wide open eyes staring wistfully up at the ceiling.
Then she had an idea. She'd try counting sheep! One sheep, two sheep, three sheep, all jumping over a lovely wooden fence in a beautiful meadow – a meadow with green, green grass that swayed and bent in the wind, and with a bright, happy sun dancing across the blue sky, passing puffy white clouds. And in the clouds – birds – eagles and falcons and jackdaws and jays and pigeons and every other bird from the robin and the hawk to the rare and brilliant shining phoenix.
And in the meadow below, sixteen sheep, seventeen sheep, eighteen sheep, all leaping over that fence, baaing in that funny, cute little way that sheep do, leaping with perfect grace unlike their species but nonetheless delightful to watch and quite mesmerising. Twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two. Baah baah baah! All the sheep smiled and none of them fell.
But enough with the sheep! This was a meadow of the most idyllic sort, home to all sorts of other wonderful animal friends! Bunnies and geese and goats and butterflies and tortoises and turtles and buzzards and hardeedars and kangaroos and koalas. And platypusbears and dragoturkeys and even parasprites – but nice, friendly parasprites that were just cute and didn't eat everything – just regular sprites, honestly. And even lions and tigers and manticores, but friendly docile ones that contentedly munched on grass instead of the thirty-four, thirty-five, thirty-six sheep flying over the fence.
All the animals she could imagine, playing together in that meadow in perfect harmony as the sheep leaped over the fence. And Fluttershy, fluttering about all her animal friends, petting them and cooing to them and talking to them and learning their names and translating them into pony language (for Fluttershy knew that that was the only proper, respectful way to name an animal friend).
And her friends would be there, Twilight and Rarity and Rainbow and Applejack and Pinkie, and so would their pets, and they'd all giggle and frolic and even Rainbow Dash would be quiet and gentle with the animals and by this point Fluttershy was the widest awake she'd ever been. She blinked a few times before looking down to see her hooves planted on the floor and the blanket lying where it had been flung half a metre from her bed.
"Oops," she said to herself. "I suppose I got just a teensy bit carried away there..."
She looked at her bedside clock. It wasn't even midnight yet.
"I... I can't do zis," Photo Finish stammered in a rare moment of vulnerability. "Iz not you, Swirl, iz me."
Swirl cocked an eyebrow, trying to hide his tears behind incredulity. "What do you mean? What – what's the matter with you? Or... what's the matter with me? You don't really mean that it's all you, do you? It has to be me, there's no doubt about it. Whenever mares say 'it's not you, it's me', they actually mean the opposite – I know that! What have I done to displease you, my love?"
"Nozing... iz just..."
"It's the bells, isn't it?" Swirl brushed the many bells of his authentic replica of Star Swirl the Bearded's favourite hat. "There are too many of them – or are there too few? Or do they not make the right sound? Are they too shiny? I knew they were too shiny! Star Swirl would never have had time to keep his bells so shiny!"
Photo Finish sighed. "No, no, it's not zat. Your bells, they are perfect – Star Swirl himself vould have traded his hat for yours."
"Then what is it? Is it the rest of the costume?" Swirl twirled around, showing off his majestic dark blue robe. "Or is it the fake beard?" Swirl stroked the synthetic white hair affixed to his chin. "You know I would grow a real one if I could, darling. I would do anything for you, if I only could."
"Stop zis!" Photo Finish stamped a forehoof against the ground. "I told you, it iz not your coztume I have a problem vith. It iz a problem vithin my own soul and no fault of yours."
Tears were forming at the base of Swirl's eyes, and Photo Finish wished for a moment that her glasses were opaque. She didn't want to hurt him, really.
"I don't buy it!" Swirl cried, trying ineffectually to stop his tears by getting angry. "There has to be something wrong with me for you to act this way, especially after you were so excited about my wearing this costume tonight. You are... perfect, Photo. You have da magicks, and I thank my lucky stars every day that you have deigned to grace –"
"Stop! Juzt stop! You are making zis harder than it haz to be!" Photo Finish could feel the lenses of her glasses misting up. "I tell you again, I cannot be vith you any longer for faults vithin myself."
Swirl let out a long sigh. "What faults? At least tell me what you think your faults are, and how you can possibly think that they would make me love you any less. We can work this out, Photo. I'm sure we can." At this, Swirl stepped boldly forward and took Photo Finish's forehooves in his own. His horn lit up and he pulled the glasses off her face, revealing her red-rimmed brown eyes.
"It's okay," he said softly, wiping her tears away with a delicate forehoof. "You can tell me anything, Photo."
The two stared into each other's eyes for a long, silent moment. Finally, Photo Finish spoke.
"Swirl... you are a vonderful stallion. You have brought me nozing but joy, and your Star Swirl the Bearded costume is zecond to none, save ze stallion himself." Photo took a deep breath here. "And zat is zee problem."
Swirl looked bewildered. "What do you mean?"
"Swirl..." Photo Finish began softly, but then her expression hardened. "I love Star Swirl the Bearded. And you are but Swirl, not Star Swirl. Alzough your coztume is immaculate and your understanding of the animiomorphic spell is zee most complete in all Equestria, you are not zee genuine article. And zere is only room in my heart for one. Please understand."
Swirl stood stock still for a moment, and then his jaw dropped. His forelegs released Photo Finish's and slumped limply to the ground. "You're... in love with Star Swirl the Bearded. Like... in love in love."
Photo Finish nodded solemnly.
"But – but he died over two thousand years ago!"
The words were barely out of Swirl's mouth before he was sprawled on the ground with a smarting pain in his right cheek. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw his former love glaring down at him, her left forehoof raised.
"I know zat! Do you zink I need your callous reminders? Do you zink I need you to zo cruelly state zee most painful truth of my existence? Ever since I first zaw Star Swirl's magnificent beard in a picture book as a filly, I knew I velt somezing special for him. Zee twinkle in his eye... zat was zee place I first found... DA MAGICKS!"
Swirl got back on his hooves, rubbing his cheek. He slowly backed away from Photo Finish.
"Zat he passed away centuries before my birth... it iz one of zee greatest tragedies Equvestria haz ever known!"
Photo Finish shook a hoof at the heavens dramatically and continued to monologue. She didn't even notice Swirl slip off into the night.
