On the Job
"Thank you for calling the ERS, this is Tax Collector, how may I serve you today?"
Hard Head cleared his throat and began typing away at his computer. With any luck, the new computer tracing software he'd developed would cut down on the time needed to trace this loser. Until then, he needed to keep him on the line as long as possible.
"Uh, yes, I just received a call from you guys. Something about income taxes?"
"Yes, I can certainly help you with that. First off, may I have your name, please?"
"Of course. It's..." He paused for a moment. This part always tripped him up, no matter how much he practiced saying his fake name. "Big Macintosh."
He quietly groaned to himself. Idiot.
"Alright, Mister Macintosh, I need you to listen to me very carefully. Please do not interrupt me while I read out the proper information. I will give you time to speak and ask questions when I have finished reading out the charges against you. We did a random audit of your account and found that there are some discrepancies in the filing of your taxes. Our records indicate that you have not filed income taxes for the years of two thousand and fifteen to two thousand and nineteen."
Hard Head grimaced as he continued typing away at his computer, wondering if he'd sounded that dumb as well back when he'd been trying this kind of thing.
"Our records indicate that you owe the Equestrian government five-thousand, two hundred and ninety-nine bits and fifty cents. Failure to pay will result in the seizure of any bank accounts, property, passports, and any other assets we need to pay off your debts. You will also spend no less than five years in an Equestrian penitentiary. Now, do you understand what I have told you?"
Hard Head scoffed and shook his head. Just a little longer. They were somewhere in Vanhoover.
"Uh, yeah, I..." He groaned. "I thought that I was doing well on my taxes! I thought that I was doing them right!"
"Mister Macintosh, do you do your taxes yourself, or do you hire a third party to do them for you?"
"W-well, I, uh..." After three months he should be better at this. "I mean... there's... ferrets... and..." He grimaced. Thankfully this would only be for a few more seconds. "No, no, I hire a third party company to do them for me. I know some ponies."
Lower-east side.
"Very well, Mister Macintosh, I need you to listen to me very carefully. In order to pay off your debts and avoid the prison time, you must go to your nearest store that sells gift cards. Do you have a Celestia-Mart or a Barnyard Bargains or a Bullseye or some other store of that nature around you?"
"Oh, yeah, I guess I do."
Falcon street.
"Very good. Now I need you to stay on the line and go to the nearest store that sells gift cards. You need to pick up five one thousand bit gift cards, and one three hundred bit gift card. It is imperative that you do not tell anypony working there of why you are purchasing the cards, as they will either charge you a large amount of interest, or they will alert the local authorities who will arrest you for tax fraud. Do you understand what I am saying to you?"
Hard Head smirked and leaned back in his seat. Got them.
"Yes, I do. I also understand that you should have picked a better job. Next time, find some way to help ponies."
With that, Hard Head hit the button on the side of his headset to hang up.
He let out a contented sigh and lit his horn to write the address down on a sheet of loose paper next to his desk. This was the third scammer he'd found this month. Princess Twilight would be pleased. Once he finished writing the address down, he put it in an enchanted envelope, sealed it with some tape, and cast a spell on it that sent it directly to Princess Twilight. As he watched the letter disappear, he actually managed a genuine smile. Ever since he had begun working for the government, he felt a real sense of accomplishment at the good work he was doing.
That and it paid more than trying to scam ponies, though anything paid more than "nothing at all because it didn't even work once."
With a satisfied nod, Hard Head went back to his computer to work on another program.
* * * *
Sly Words grimaced and pressed the button on the side of his headset to hang up. He'd come so close to getting the old mare's money! If only her grandson hadn't found out what had been going on at the last moment. It was going to be a three thousand bit haul. More than enough to hit his budget for the day. Well, nothing else for it. Back to the grindstone. There was always another number.
Just as he began punching in the other number, the lights down the hallway went out. He leaned back in his cubicle alongside the other half-dozen scammers around him, and grimaced. When was his boss going to spring for some upkeep of this old building? They were making enough money to at least keep the lights on.
However, just as he stood up to go to his boss's office, he spotted somepony coming down the hall. He didn't recognize her, but something in the pit of his stomach told him that he should run. Although, there was nowhere to really run to. He'd have to get past the mare to get to the stairwell.
The mare moved slowly, but with purpose. It reminded Sly Words of a horror movie monster. But no, that was ridiculous. It wasn't as though the mare had cut the power, or anything. Maybe she was here to... fix something. Yes, there was doubtlessly a logical explanation for this. It wasn't like she was part of the guard. If they'd been caught, the guard would be swarming into the room.
"Uh, hello?" he called out, taking a few uneasy steps toward the mare. "Is there something we can help you with?"
As the mare drew nearer, all of the lights in the room went out, leaving only a few stray sunbeams to illuminate the room. All of the other ponies stopped what they were doing and stood up, looking around for the source of the power outage.
Sly Words took an uneasy step backwards as the mare reached him. She was easily taller than anypony in the building. She wore dark purple armor emblazoned with a starburst that reminded him of a cutie mark that he really didn't want to be thinking about right now. However, her most noticeable features were the scar running down her face and the broken horn on her forehead. Sly Words gulped and took another step back.
"You've been very naughty," the mare said in a way that reminded Sly Words of a spider examining a fly it had just caught. "Care to give me some pathetic lie about what you've been doing in here?"
Sly Words bit his lip and looked down at the floor while the ponies around him began backing away. "Uh... we're just normal computer programmers, Miss. Nothing out of the ordinary."
The mare let out a thoughtful, condescending grunt and and put her hoof under Sly Words's jaw. She gently raised his head until he was looking directly into her eyes. The mare chuckled and her creepy smile widened ever so slightly. She shook her head and leaned down closer to Sly Words.
"I don't think so," she whispered in a way that sent chills up Sly Words's spine.
Before Sly Words could say anything else, the doors flew open and the windows shattered as a company of guards burst into the room.
* * * *
A knock on the door broke Hard Head out of his concentration. He saved the work he was in the middle of and stood up from his desk. He walked over to the door and opened it to reveal a smiling Twilight Sparkle behind the door.
"Hello, Hard Head," Twilight said with a chipper tone. "How are you doing today?"
Hard Head shrugged and stepped aside so that Twilight could come into his house. "Doing well, I suppose. Did you take down the scammers that I sent to you?"
Twilight nodded. "Mhm. Tempest led a group and arrested them. There was nearly a hundred ponies in that particular ring! As far as we can tell, they stole nearly five million bits from unsuspecting ponies over the last five years."
Hard Head let out an impressed whistle. "Glad we've caught them, then. Tempest..." Hard Head shuddered at the name of that crazy pony. "Tempest wasn't too rough with them, was she?"
Twilight grimaced, but shook her head. "No. From what I understand, they gave up pretty quickly when they realized what was happening and exactly who was coming to arrest them. Tempest has developed quite the reputation, and, thankfully, without actually hurting anypony."
"I guess invading Canterlot and then becoming the head of a princess's personal guard will do that," Hard Head said with a shrug.
Twilight sighed and facehooved. "Yes, I know. I'd much rather her discover the magic of friendship--" Hard Head rolled his eyes. "--then be aggressive all of the time. We're... working on it." Twilight shrugged. "Until then, I'd be kind of silly to not utilize her reputation to help bring criminals to justice. She's scary enough that nopony even tries to fight back, which means that nopony gets hurt or even adds to their prison time by trying to resist arrest and attack a royal guard."
"Well that's something, I guess," Hard Head replied.
"Yeah, you use what you can." Twilight perked up after another moment. "But you've done a great job helping us. We've found almost a thousand ponies who have been scamming innocent ponies thanks to your help, and that's not even counting the creatures outside of the country. The griffins and zebras have appreciated our help in bringing some of their own scammers to justice..." Twilight grimaced and flattened her ears again. "Even if their punishments are a little more... severe."
"Eh." Hard Head shrugged. "Happy to help." He motioned around to his house. "And happy to get a paycheck from you. I prefer this house to my old one."
"Well you work for the government now, so you get a government salary." Twilight walked over to Hard Head's computer. "And you've made some great software for us. You should have been doing computer programming from the beginning!"
Hard head grunted and walked over to his computer. "Probably, yes. Speaking of, I was working on something when you came in."
Twilight waved her hoof. "Say no more. I just wanted to pop in and let you know that your latest tip turned out really well." She smiled at Hard Head and put a hoof on his shoulder. "Keep up the good work. You're helping a lot of ponies."
"Glad to help." Even if it started as less than voluntary, he finished in his head. "In any case, I'll keep passing things on to you."
"The princesses and Equestria all appreciate it," Twilight said happily. "I'll be heading out now. Let us know if you find anything else, though."
"Will do."
With that, Twilight left, leaving Hard Head with his computer. Hard Head adjusted himself in his new plush rolling chair and on a whim pulled up his e-mail. Maybe he'd gotten a scam letter he could trace for a quick bonus with the princess. Upon firing it up, he instantly saw that he had a message in his junk mail. He smirked and opened it up.
Hello, my name is Saladin, and I am writing you because I need your help. I am the son of the rightful sultan of Saddle Arabia, and I find myself in a difficult situation. I have ten million bits from my late father, but thanks to trickery from the current government, I find that I cannot collect them. I require your help. I need to simply transfer the money into an account of an Equestrian citizen, and then I will have access to the funds. In response, I will give you one million bits as a reward. Please hurry! I need the money as soon as I can to take care of my family.
Praying that you help me,
Prince Saladin, son of the rightful sultan of Saddle Arabia.
Hard Head let out an amused scoff and opened up a program on his computer that he connected to the e-mail. With a few keystrokes, he began tracing it to its source.
After a few minutes he let out a frown. The ponies or otherwise who sent these e-mails tended to not hide their trail very competently. They'd bounce it off of a few different dummy IP addresses, but nothing he couldn't trace back with minimal effort. However, this one was ties to an actual VPN coming from Zebrica. As fairly new technology, VPNs were expensive and hard to get. He opened up a new program and began trying to force his way through the VPN.
He leaned back in his chair as the second program began scanning the VPN. His eyes narrowed as more time passed. Even with the VPN blocking the way, the program he was using shouldn't have taken more than five minutes, but a quick glance at the clock showed that his program had been running for fifteen minutes. Whoever had made this program had done a good job. Better than any he'd ever seen. He typed in a few more commands to try to circumvent a few of the firewalls surrounding it. With a few more keystrokes, his shoulders relaxed as he forced his way through the VPN.
However, he frowned again when he saw another one centered in Yakyakistan. With a little more effort, he forced his way through that one as well. Whoever was doing this was taking greater pains to hide their trail than he'd ever seen. Behind the second VPN he found several more dummy IP addresses. Even so, he was getting closer. He could feel it. With both programs running, he was able to triangulate the location of the original computer. It was coming from Canterlot.
Slowly things started to come together. Whoever was doing this would require a lot of money and resources. Somepony in Canterlot would have both. As the minutes ticked by he grew nearer until the programs on his computer both flashed green. He smirked to himself. It had taken a few more minutes than usual, but he'd be able to pass this on to Twilight without issue now. Now, time to discover who was behind this.
With a quick command, a window opened up on the computer screen. A window with a name. However, his smile slowly fell as he read the name. Then read it again. And a third time. No... that couldn't be right.
Judge Equal Justice.
Hard Head bit his lip. He'd heard that name before. He pulled up his internet and typed that name into a search engine. The results didn't do much to quell his growing sense of panic. Most of the early results seemed to be news articles.
Judge Equal Justice opens up new orphanage in Canterlot.
Judge Equal Justice sentences serial killer to life.
Judge Equal Justice given key to Canterlot by Princess Celestia for his service to Equestrians everywhere.
Judge Equal Justice raises five hundred thousand bits to improve soup kitchens all over Equestria.
Judge Equal Justice promises to crack down on crime.
Judge Equal Justice visits school to warn children about the dangers of crime.
Hard Head's eye twitched and he gulped. That's right. Judge Equal Justice was one of the most beloved public figures in Canterlot for his tough-on-crime stance and his success in reducing crime rates all across Equestria. Not only that, but he'd done a lot to improve the lives of ponies everywhere by raising money to improve public services. If Hard Head came forward to say he was a scammer...
"Ooooh dear."