Nonstraight!
Mwap.
Flesh bumping against flesh.
Sunset Shimmer.
My crush.
By my side.
And I.
Falling in love.
By hers.
What? No, not like that!
A cool snowy day in early December, I sat middle-right on a park bench downtown, facing the famed statue of the horse, Charlotte the Fourths. I stared, fingers freezing, until Sunset Shimmer arrived a few minutes later, waving eagerly. “Twilight!”
I felt my inner gymnast jump into somersaults as she approached, a girl glowing with the light of harmony as I saw her. “Sunset!” I replied, though undoubtedly too quiet for her to hear against the backdrop of the wind.
I could imagine the many ways she might reply. A how are you?, perhaps. Or if she noticed the unique garnish in my hair I placed for the occasion, a you look wonderful. But I heard silence until she approached and sat next to me, on the bench’s… middle-middle.
This bench had space for two or three people, yet we were crammed into one slot.
I didn’t mind.
I didn’t realize either among two (platonic?) friends, merely sitting next to each other could induce an immediate smile served au papillon, but with Sunset Shimmer, it’s certainly possible.
Really, with Sunset Shimmer, anything is possible. We’re friends. Everyone knows we’re friends, maybe even best friends, but we’re not best friends.
Then again, I do have a crush on the girl, to put it mildly. That much she discovered thanks to the ice cream incident months ago. I’m grateful to have served as inspiration for her alt rock single, “Empath Bit”, although what’s the return-on-investment of one (amazing) instrumental given the cost of discovering my secret? Former secret.
Correction: everyone knows us as just friends, with unrequited blushing fits.
Exception: Rarity, as usual. The fashionista and self-professed “dramatique” has slipped up and referred to us as girlfriends. She did tell me it was just a slip of the tongue, of course, and I might be inclined to believe. Then again, I must have had it coming, because she slipped up her tongue ten times!
Jury’s out on whether I should be embarrassed and uncomfortable, or finally confess to getting giddy at the designation.
By my side, Sunset beamed at me. “Hey, you asked to meet. What’s up?” I swear she inched a little closer to me when she asked. Statistically, the most likely explanation is my own imagination via confirmation bias. But as my extra-dimensional doppelgänger advised me, there’s no wrong way to fantasize.
That isn’t a sentence you hear every day.
I stared at her blank-faced and bleary-eyed. Theoretically I could tell her the truth then and there. But could I? Could I really? I placed a relaxed fist under my chin, elbow against my fluttering chest, head nodding down slightly. “Oh, nothing much!”
Sunset raised an eyebrow. “I don’t know. You seemed pretty serious in that text, something about wanting to give me something important in person?”
I sighed, my breath crystallizing into a white puff with the outside temperature below freezing. “I think that can wait until later. I, um…” Ever eager to change the subject and delay my inevitable fate, I pointed a hand outward towards the statue. “Look, I think it’s starting to snow!”
She stuck her tongue out into the air, letting a tiny flake make contact. Swallowing, she agreed, “I guess so! Although seeing as it’s been snowing on and off for three days now, I don’t think it’s that surprising, Twilight.”
“Even so. Snow is pretty!” I cooed.
In a pinkish daydream, I could have sworn she said And so are you, my princess Twilight Sparkle, with a smile so pure it would melt the snow into a puddle with my crystal heart evaporating into thin air.
In reality she said, “Yeah, snow’s beautiful, but not nearly as beautiful as winters in Equestria ever were.”
An agreeable answer, if not that of my unlikely fantasies. I must confess, I had no idea there were seasons in Equestria, let alone beautiful ones, though it fit the character. “What was that like?”
Sunset sighed, and by the glaze seeping over her, retreated into a daydream of her own. I was content for us to dream, eyes open and interlocked, alone together. “Oh, winters back in Equestria were wonderful. At the core they were the same as here – snowfall and hail – but there was always something so romantic about Equestrian winters.”
I shivered as she said the word romantic, imagining she was speaking of me. Oblivious – for my shiver was concealed as the natural biological response to freezing temperatures with inadequate boots – she continued. “Winter here means slush and slippery sidewalks, or traffic with the subway fifteen minutes delayed in every direction. But back home, oh Celestia, back home winters were just beautiful. There was a seasonal poem I used to love as a filly, Invierno contigo, by Rosemary Frost. I’d recite it for you, though I’m afraid it’s been too many years.”
Her vision of Equestrian winter did seem considerably nicer than the three month slush fest in Canterlot, but I digress. Winter is usually nicer before you need to shovel snow or commute to university. But that poem name.. Didn’t contigo mean with you? I don’t suppose there was a particular “you” in mind?
I don’t suppose I could have been that you, retroactively.
But I can dream. There’s that pesky confirmation bias again.
“Invierno contigo? Sounds Spanish.”
Sunset laughed. “Gee, I wonder why! Maybe it’s because the poem is in Spanish. ‘Rosemary Frost’ is a pen name for Amapola Rosa, a brilliant author from the Equestrian province of Mexicolt.”
“Oh, neat! I didn’t realize there were multiple languages in Equestria. Do you speak Spanish, then?”
She winked and beamed, radiating sunlight, melting the white spots dotting my hair. “Yeah, lots of us back home are bi.”
Bi.
Sunset was… bi?
That could… open some doors.
Um.
Wait.
“Bi…?”
“Bilingual, Twilight.” She giggled teasingly.
..Of course. Context clues. Right. “Oh. So you’re not bi, um…?”
“Bisexual? I mean….” Sunset grew a little rosy-frost herself, red and white and cute all over. She shut her eyes. “Yes. Yes, I am bisexual.”
…That could open some doors indeed.
That also happens to be information that would have been pertinent, oh, six months ago or so? When she first found out I had feelings for her? And then that just became the horse in the room we ignored?
Not that I’m offended that my best friend didn’t tell me she was bi, given she had known I was gay since forever – including before I had a crush on her. Not that that would’ve been a good item to bring up just anytime before, but sure, I guess months later you can casually drop, “yeah, I speak Spanish, and oh, by the way, I’m totally into girls.” I don’t have a problem with this at all, nope, not even in the slightest bit!
I wheezed. “Oh! Okay. Yup! Okay.”
Sunset flinched. “You okay? I wasn’t expecting much of a coming out reception, but…”
“Yeah!” I quickly interjected, lest she get a false idea. “Yeah, I’m just confused why it never came up before.”
She bit her lip, visibly nervous. “I was never sure when to mention it. Back in Equestria, acceptance is pretty high, but fillies can be mean, Twilight. Especially given back then I was still young and figuring out about being… um… yeah.”
“Oh.” I mumbled, angry with myself for bringing up a sore topic. I couldn’t have known, but still, I shouldn’t have said anything.
“Meh. I was bullied pretty hard for it, so it’s not really something I like to bring up much.” Her light tint escalated into a full scale blush, and I suppose I must have mirrored. “And given you mentioned having feelings for me, I wasn’t sure how this would go over.”
Unsure, hmm? That uncertainty alone was sharp enough to break the glass blown in my heart. I wanted so bad to reach out and hug her. I wanted to scream, I’m sorry, or I would never do that to you, or Give me a name and number and I’ll hop right over into the portal and give the ghosts of your past retribution. I wanted to lean in and whisper, You’re okay now or It’s going to be okay or I lo– like you and this would never change that. I wanted to envelope myself into her arms, seal my words into as poetry into her soul, and send us off into the mail to tomorrowland.
But I refrained from yelling, from whispering, from disappearing, and said only what I could with the calmness I could muster. “Thank you for trusting me, Sunset.”
Blush fading, her lips quivered. “Thank you for not making a big deal out of this, Twi.”
I curled my hair behind my ear instinctively. “Of course, Sunset. Of course.”
Silence filled the gap between us, though I was peculiarly aware the gap was slightly smaller than it had been when she first sat down.
Silence until Sunset said, “I’m sorry. You were saying something earlier, yeah? I’m sure you had a good reason for inviting me to meet outside in the snow. I sort of stole your thunder with the smoothest coming out in history, huh?”
“Hmm!” I grinned. “I’m not quite sure yours would win that title, Sunset!”
Sunset. Why did I tack on her name to the end of the sentence?
Was it to grab her attention? No, I already had it.
Was it to disambiguate with whom I had the pleasure of speaking? No, there was only the two of us. No ambiguity.
Were it anything else, I would have plausible deniability. But I must admit to the simple fact that I liked the word “Sunset”. No, I loved the word “Sunset”. Thinking those six little letters made me feel fuzzy inside, like the sun truly was setting within me and a celestial warmth burgeoned in its midst. Pronouncing them, letting the precious syllables dance on my tongue, oh stars. The letters S-U-N-S-E-T on my tongue are little chocolate candies on a child’s, so saccharine and silly, yet so perfect to taste.
And never mind the melody played on my heartstrings from the word “Shimmer”, a symphony of her heavenly guitar, hopeful chords of happiness, life played without a fret.
A music to her name, to her world, to her smile, so wide in that moment as she challenged, “Oh, yeah? And how did your coming out go?”
I grinned, feeling goofy at the memory. “I mean, I’ve been out four years straight.”
“Straight?” She smirked, and I giggled.
“Okay. I’ve been out four years gay. Content?”
“Very much so, proceed.” Sunset laughed. To hear her laugh like that, to see the joy warming her face despite the frigid temperature, that smile is all I needed in life.
I exhaled. “’Twas Thanksgiving afternoon. Cadence and my brother were already living together at this point, and they decided to host the holiday for my parents and I.”
“Ah, family gatherings!” Sunset brought her fists to just above her forehead, with raised index fingers on each side, forming either pony ears or evil horns. Grinning with cunning eyebrows, she slithered out the word, “Dramatic.”
I shrugged, ignoring the implications. “Not really. I had done a lot of soul searching for months prior, and I was pretty sure of myself, but I wasn’t ready to tell my parents. Fortunately, my parents were out last minute shopping for store-bought pumpkin pie while Cadence and Shining were busy in the kitchen.”
“Ooo, spicy, do go on!”
Spi– Never mind. I will choose to ignore Sunset’s choice of words for my own well-being. I do not need to go on a diatribe about ambiguously flirtatious language in the middle of a coming out story.
Ahem.
“I walked into the kitchen while Cadence was busy chopping carrots and Shining was skinning potatoes. And I said, ‘Hey, Cadence? Shining?’, and one of them said, ‘Yes?’. So I took a deep breath, found myself trembling, nevertheless persisting to say – quiet though firm – ‘I’m gay.’”
She clapped her hands excitedly, perhaps force of habit from equine days. “Yeah?! And then you ponied up and started flying through the steaming kitchen and leaving a trail of rainbows out of your b–”
Again, certain Sunsettian remarks I choose to ignore for my own well-being. “–And then Shining said, ‘Cool’, and Cadence said, ‘Dinner will be ready in an hour!’. So I went to read whatever mystery novel I checked out from the library. And, uh, that was it.”
Sunset blinked. “…That was it?”
I shrugged. “Yeah, pretty much.”
“Wow.” She tilted her head and conceded, “Pretty nonchalant, eh?”
“Hey, what can I say?”
Sunset tapped a finger against her head inquisitively. “Hmm, you could always say, ‘Hi, I’m Twilight Sparkle, the sapphic dork!’” She flashed a smile, and I swore she winked at me. That really must be the confirmation bias, no? “Those are always safe bets with you, Twilight.”
I took it as a term of endearment with a giggle – I’m happy to be a dork if that means I can be her dork, ahem. “Aw, thank you! You too, Sunset!”
Satisfied, she clicked her tongue, pointing finger guns. A pause. “Hey, wait.”
“Hmm?”
“What about your parents? Did you tell them too?”
I shrugged. “Not… really? I don’t know. I don’t think I ever just said, ‘Hi Dad, I’m gay’, and it’s not like they’ve ever said, ‘Hi gay, I’m Dad.’ But I’ve mentioned cute girls in passing, and I’m sure they’ve picked up on the dreaminess of my voice whenever I mention, um, you, but, um. It was never a spectacle, and they support me in any case.”
She smiled, and though an outsider might see nothing but joy in her countenance, I noticed the faintest creases of pain in her forehead, the slightest deviation from her normal optimism cueing a past I dared not ask before she chose to share. “That sounds wonderful, Twilight.”
“Thank you,” I repeated blandly. Thank you? Really, Twilight? You couldn’t up with anything more interesting than just thank you? No puns, no funny anecdotes, no leading questions, just thank you?
Silence brewed.
I kicked around awkwardly, some nearby snow falling onto my boot in a mini-avalanche, a cold pedestrian kiss from Mother Nature.
“Sunset…” I mumbled, ever eager to let those six letters out again and again, their flame an antidote to the weather. “I… You’re right. I did ask you to meet me so I could give you something, but…”
She stared back, a patient smile. Did she know? No, she couldn’t have known. Though I suppose, Sunset being Sunset, I suppose she did.
I frowned. “I guess I’m getting cold feet.”
“Figuratively or literally?”
“Yes!” I beamed, eliciting an amused snort.
Sunset held her smile. “Take all the time you need, Twilight.” She clucked her tongue, grinning. “I do ask, if it takes more than, like, an hour, we should go somewhere inside, preferably with indoor heating. I’m pretty sure there’s a Joe’s around somewhere.”
I stared, trying to mirror that smile, so pure and kind and Sunset and oh dear, how a girl manages to have that much self-confidence and empathy and sweet kindness I might never understand.
In staring her eyes touched mine through a piercing gaze, an intimacy of vision far deeper than holding hands.
Not that I would veto holding Sunset’s hand, if that were an option? I know normally platonic friends usually don’t, but maybe there are exceptions? And maybe we could be more than platonic friends? Maybe?
I’m on a tangent, aren’t I? And yet it is so easy to go off on tangents as soon as I mention Sunset’s name, because – Sunset – she – her – yes, those are her pronouns, Twilight, you’re really on a tangent, could you pull it together Twilight and stop rambling? I just – Sunset! And – ugh! Why does this always have to be so complicated! And for the love of Sunset, how do I keep ending up just friends? And – just – Sunset!
Usually, of course, the answer to my friendly dilemma is my string of crushes on straight girls, but Sunset – was – bi – this whole time, and I just – she – I – she – hold on. I need to sit down for a while.
Granted I was already seated, park bench and all, ergo, this is fine. Yup! Just fine! Nothing to see here, folks! Move along!
I crushed my eyelids shut, eager to block out the world and myself.
I had to tell her.
Trembling or not, I had to tell her somehow.
Today was the day, was it not?
I felt the motion of emotion within, so lest I spilled tears, I spilled words, unrehearsed. “You’re a good friend of mine, and I know our friendship can be especially complicated, but I want you to know…” I trailed off unsure, and opened my eyes to see her sparkling rich pupils staring care-free at mine, eyebrows smiling as contentedly as her lips. Meeting her eyes, I continued, confidence building in each word, “Well, first, I want to thank you for being my friend. I care about you deeply, Sunset. Somehow you always manage to make me smile no matter what’s going on. I know this isn’t something I’ve ever said to you before, and I know you’ve never said it to me, but I just… This is hard, Sunset.”
She smiled, unfaltering, softly saying only, “Take your time.”
I felt vulnerable. It was hard enough to tell Sunset I was falling for her. And by that I mean, stars above, I would have never told her of my own volition, and she only found out because of the notebook incident, however fruitful that mistake may have been retrospectively. But to say something deeper than a simple confession of attraction? To induce a real risk, from changing the status quo with someone I truly care about, as friends or girlfriends or what we may be? That fear hung over me. Emotional nudity.
Yet I sighed. “Sunset Shimmer, whatever happens, I want you to know – I need you to know – that I love you.”
There.
One last secret out in the air.
Three little words my consciousness agonized over for moons, wondering if they were true, true for me, true for her. Three little words I yearned for, fantasized of, and hardly earned yet still won. Three little words that have struck me, electric lightning breaking sparks out of my life’s thunderstorms.
Three little words I trembled to say aloud, lest they be unrequited.
I could deal with having feelings for Sunset and staying friends.
I’ve learned romantic attraction is easy.
Yet love is hard.
The moment the three words jumped off my lips, time froze as my hopes and fears existed between the infinitesimal – now infinite – ticks of the universe.
Yet in real time, not even a beat passed before Sunset said, ever smiling, “I love you, too, friend.”
I love you too.
The only four words more powerful than their first three alone.
What could have happened after, what should have happened, might have happened, none of it matters next to the fact that Sunset Shimmer loves me.
I am loved.
By Sunset Shimmer.
By all accounts, I ought to have started singing then and there, but hey, I couldn’t have everything at once, can I?
Actually, I had Sunset, so yes, I could. Silly questions.
In my day dream of the moment, Sunset would say, “I love you, too, friend,” and coolly I would lean in towards her. She would reciprocate in turn, and for the first time in my life, we would kiss, sharing passion and mutual love. I would wrap my arms around her, and she would wrap hers around me, and we would extend the kiss into a deep scientific excavation of each other’s mouths, probing for the evidence to confirm the hypothesis that we are very much in love with each other. In between two deep kisses, I would whisper, “I love you so much, Sunset,” and she would mention something about radishes and me, so I would mention something about onions, and then she would burst out laughing – still embracing – since she would have said “ravish” instead of “radish”, and that’s a verb, not a vegetable, and…
What actually happened, daydreams aside?
I smiled and meekly said, “Thank you, Sunset.”
There were those dull words I confessed.
Second year of university and still waiting on that first kiss.
Granted with my summer courses, I placed out of the first, but hey, far more importantly than anything else is the fact that dear Princesses, Sunset Shimmer loves me. I didn’t need the kiss, I needed her, yet I had her full self with her full love, and in that lovely little fact, I was the luckiest girl alive.
Not that I would say no if Sunset asked to kiss me then and there, or anywhere else, but hey, focus on the small victories. I have a long life ahead of me with plenty of time left to woo Sunset Shimmer. I’m acutely aware that she chose to say “friend” and not “Twilight” or “dear” or “love”, but it does fit with Sunset’s style, doesn’t it? Friendship is the real magic of the universe? Like I said, plenty of time to win her over.
Ahem. Did I say that? Of course not. I must have been narrating an unrelated daydream with no bearing to reality or how I actually feel. Right. Glad that’s settled.
To my thank you, Sunset beamed, “Of course! I was wondering how long it was going to take you to say it, dork.” Was that a trace of a smirk…?
“I just…” I mumbled. She did have a point, didn’t she? We’ve known each other for just over a year now. She’s known I’ve had feelings for her for months. Yet there was something about the finality of the statement. Something about the uncertainty stopped me. “I was never sure when would be a good time. I wasn’t sure how you were going to respond.” I broke off our eye contact to stare at the frozen ground slush, confessing, “I was scared you weren’t going to say that.”
“Yeah?” She smirked.
“What?”
“You were wondering why I never told you I was bi.”
“Well, yeah, but that’s different…”
She raised an eyebrow, smirking ever wider, triumphant. Never sure when to mention it. I wasn’t sure how this would go over. I surrendered. “Fair enough. Hey, Sunset?”
“Mm?”
“I promised that I would give you something today, and I still haven’t.”
Sunset swatted the air amused. “Pff, of course you did. You gave me your love! That’s gift enough for me, Twilight.”
Tut tut. “Ah, well, I did have something slightly more tangible in mind, in the most etymological faithful definition of the word.”
“Hmm?”
I outstretched my arms. “I wanted to give you a hug!”
Sunset giggled, wrapping her arms around me until we were embracing. Yes, this part was for real, not the daydream.
No, there were no romantic gestures to sweep me off the feet I could no longer feel. There was no passionate kiss between committed lovers.
But she gifted me a pure hug warm enough to melt the season’s icicles into silly putty with love.
Hugging Sunset: two of my favourite words, juxtaposed!
Since graduating high school and moving out, I haven’t hugged much, but here was Sunset, arms wrapped me, now. A warm, soft body, a sort of lovely cushion between my surface and the elements.
Her warm, soft body, love seeping through as red liquid in her veins. Her bit of frosting neck exposed outside a dark scarf, forming the perfect head rest to nuzzle and close the gap until we were one. Her long ruddy hair blowing in the wind against my face, inundating me with the sight and scent of Sunset, the pleasant floral aroma which twitches my lips with even the slightest whiff.
A hug. Life in her arms. Bliss on earth.
Utopia.
Utopia isn’t “nowhere”, Thomas Moore.
Utopia is in her arms.
Lovestruck and sunstruck, I cooed, “Te quiero.”
And I melted into pieces when she replied with bliss, still hugging me, still overwhelming me with her perfect aura.
“I love you, too, Twilight. I love you too.”