Unpleasant Correspondence 2

by StormLuna

First published

Everything has come full circle and now it is Twilight who sends her protege to Ponyville. Needless to say, Luster isn't one bit happy about it.

Everything has come full circle and now it is Twilight who sends her protege to Ponyville. Needless to say, Luster isn't one bit happy about it. To make matters worse, Starlight's protege is made Vice-head mare of the School of Friendship and that only makes Luster angrier.

Warning: Story includes incredibly crude language that may be offensive to some....you've been warned!

Getting the Students In

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Dear Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle,

We are writing to let you know that we have a daughter who is great with magic, her name is Luster Dawn. She has accomplished some rather great feats such as teleportation and transfiguration spells. We know your standards are likely very high but we know that our daughter will exceed them and likely be more than good enough to become your protege. If you would let her apply let us know, she is really excited to not only get into your school but become your protege.

Sincerely,

Money Bags and Purse Strings


Dear Money Bags and Purse Strings,

Well I do want to let you know that I don't just let anypony into my school. You will have to bring Luster by the palace and we can get an exam scheduled for her. Now you must realize that the judges will judge her performance very professionally and if they think that she would be nothing but a disappointment, she won't even get in, much less become my protege. Get her up here in the next 24 hours and her chances of being accepted will be much higher.

Sincerely,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle


Dear Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer,

From what we understand you have opened up your own magic school and we would like to see if our daughter, Bright Beam, could apply. She has accomplished some pretty amazing feats. She can levitate very heavy objects, she can teleport outside of our house, she can do transfiguration spells and she can even fly with just her magic. Let us know if you're taking applications for new students. Our daughter is hoping that she can be given this wonderful opportunity.

Sincerely,

Stone Mason and Marigold Dreams


Dear Stone Mason and Marigold Dreams,

You bet I'm accepting new applicants for my school. Bring Bright Beam over to the palace within the next 72 hours and I will be able to oversee the entrance exam myself. It sounds like she has amazing magic and I do look forward to meeting the three of you. See you soon.

Sincerely,

Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer

P.S. If your daughter passes her test and gets into my school, feel free to just call me Starlight.


ONE WEEK LATER

Dear Stone Mason and Marigold Dreams,

Thank you for having your daughter apply to my school and after seeing everything she can do, not only have I decided to let her into my school but I have decided that she shall be my protege. She has a ton of power and I think studying close to me that she will be able to do even better. I know that when my mother would take students in, they normally had a lot of raw power and required focused study but Bright Beam already seems to have focus. I think that with her going to be studying under me, that she could very easily reach mage power levels.

I am also very impressed with how respectful she was. The few students I have taken in so far have been respectful but Bright Beam seemed even more so. I will say this, it is obvious that you two have done a good job raising her and I do ask you of one favor. I think that once she moves into the palace, that it would be good if you were to drop by and visit her every now and then. A filly should always have her folks visiting her every so often, always!

Anyway, it would be great if you could get her moved into the students' quarters in one week. She will be staying there until she gets a bit older and then will have her own special place where she can study without interruption. See you three soon! Oh and you can just call me Starlight now.

Sincerely,

Starlight


Dear Money Bags and Purse Strings

Well I received the results from your daughter's entrance exam and she did pass. Right now I am also in need of a protege and she did well enough that I am willing to take her in. Bring her over by the school in two weeks time and she can not only get to know me but also get acquainted with the layout of the castle. Now I do have one issue that will have to be addressed, her attitude.

During the exam, the judges told me that she seemed to have this "the world owes me everything" attitude. Now I will let you know something. My mother had proteges that were like that and in the end she eventually dropped them because she did not put up with disrespectful proteges, ever. I am in the same mindset, if a student or protege does not show me respect or be happy that I am giving them a huge opportunity, their time here will be limited.

Sincerely,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Oh and tell your daughter that she will need to be formal with me. I just have this feeling that she will not address me using my whole title. Students are only allowed to call me Twilight once they have shown that they appreciate the opportunity that I give them.

Relocations

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Five years after becoming Starlight's protege.

Dear Bright Beam,

I am writing you to first tell you how incredibly proud of you I am. Your magical talent had increased by a ton since you first came here. To be honest, your powers almost match my mother's and she is a natural born Alicorn! It is quite obvious that you are destined for greatness. I am also impressed with how well you get along with your schoolmates. The mares you study with the most have always told me about how helpful you are when you aid them in studying. Now I know I probably shouldn't be telling you this but they have also said that they enjoy the "sexy times" that the six of you have.

Now I am going to tell you something else, something that could change your life dramatically. You have done such a good job in both magic and friendship that I have decided to offer you a huge opportunity. You see, I recently had to fire the vice-schoolmaster down at the School of Friendship in Ponyville and I believe that you will be perfect for the job. You could aid the unicorns in their magic study and you can help the students in developing and maintaining friendships as well. Let me know what you think.

Sincerely,

Starlight


Dear Starlight,

OMG! You bet I'll take the opportunity you're giving me! I am so thankful for everything you have done for me over the past five years, helping me grow the way I have and I am even happier now. Thank you so much for this opportunity and I promise you that I won't let you down, I'll hopefully be the best vice-head mare ever!

Thankful,

Bright Beam


Dear Bright Beam,

That sounds great. Come Monday, I will help you gather your possessions and we will get you moved in down there. For right now you will be residing in the former vice-schoolmater's quarters until we can get you something better. For now, go ahead and take some time to relax. Being the vice-head mare will take some work but I know you'll make me proud.

Sincerely,

Starlight


Six years after becoming Twilight's protege

Dear Luster Dawn,

Alright Luster, I have an assignment for you. As you know the "Festival of the Two Goddess-Queens" is coming up soon and this year the location of the festival will be Ponyville. I want you to go down there and set it up. Now don't worry, I will be sending Spike with you to make sure you don't fuck anything up. Faust knows what the hell would happen if I was to trust you to do something on your own.

Oh and I do have another task for you to complete, make some friends! You see, in the six years you have been my protege, you have only ever hung around the students you have to study with and they do complain that you tend to struggle during the "special study sessions" that you all have. It is no wonder you never befriended them. If you would just be a good girl and put out for those you should have befriended, maybe I wouldn't be sending you to do something so menial. Now you and Spike get your asses to the train station and to Ponyville, ASAP.

Having No Faith in You (At all),

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle.


Dear Twibitch,

What the fuck? You honestly think that I can't do this on my own? What happened, did Spike piss you off or something? You know that Spike doesn't like me any more than you do. What I would like to know is why the fuck you think I can't do it on my own. Also, why the hell is it you want me to make friends so badly? Don't you remember how I said that making friends was a waste of time since they probably won't last forever?

Look at how your friendships fell apart. Hell you gave two of your friends away to those other friends of yours just so they'd have sex slaves and domestic servants. Apparently some friendships last while others don't and I figure that if they all don't last, then they aren't worth pursuing to start with.

Now I will go and set this stupid glorification ceremony up but then I'm heading home and getting back to my studies. I don't feel like having to spend any more time in a backwater shithole than is absolutely necessary. Well I suppose I will see you and Starbitch sucking face down there in Ponyville when you get there.

Hating Your Guts,

Luster Dawn


Luster,

How many times have I told you that you are to address me as Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle. Now let me make myself clear, I have decided that because of your disrespect, upon finishing setting this festival up you will remain in Ponyville until I decide to allow you to come home. Tell you what, I'll even let your precious little ass live in my old castle down there. The bed is still there and I found it quite comfy so you should be perfectly content. Now yeah, there aren't any books in what was the library in there but I suppose I can get some in there for you.

Now like i said, get your ass down there, set up my festival and make some friends!

Ordering You to Stay,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle


Dear Thorax and Pharynx,

Ok, I need to ask you guys of a favor. I need a changeling to go to Ponyville and crash the festival that will be held for my sister and I in a couple of days. You see, I have sent my arrogant protege down there and I want to see if she is capable of keeping things running smoothly under pressure. Let me know if somechangeling can do it.

Sincerely,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Now my sister has a protege of her own, a pastel green unicorn mare with a silver mane and tail. I know that she will likely be there and when she comes out, land in front of her. You see, she knows enough about changelings that she will know you aren't a monster. Start having a casual conversation with her and then turn into your natural form. Think of doing that as a favor to Starlight since you two know one another....doing this would be much appreciated.


Dear Goddess-Queen Twilight,

I can go up there and turn into this big purple and black insect looking thing. If you want to know more about what I will look like, talk to Starlight since she has seen me in that form. Trust me though, if you're looking to give this protege a test, I'll give it to her.

Looking Forward to Testing Your Protege,

Pharynx

P.S. Consider it done regarding Starlight's protege. I don't know what's going on but it sounds like you really hate your protege and want to make her look awful. If you want me to knock her down a peg or two, I'll help out with that!

Festival of the Two Goddess-Queens

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Dear Luster Dawn,

You have once again failed me. I send you down there to set up a festival for my sister and I yet you fuck up big time. I also told you to make some friends and all you did was try to seduce that one pegasus who is into rabbits. I put a lot of faith in you but you allow some giant bug thing to attack the town during the ceremony and do some damage to a few houses. I should have known better than to send you down there to take care of this and to make matters worse, it is my sister's protege who went and calmed that monster down. It is pretty bad that my sister's protege has to do what was part of your duties. She got the festival back on track while all you did was throw a fit and make me look bad.

You know what, I already said that I would make you stay down there but now I mean it. Screwing up like this is unacceptable and for the time being, I don't feel like having to deal with you face to face. When I feel like having to deal with you on a daily basis again, I will let you come home. For now though, you will be living in my old castle and you will make some friends here. Hell try to befriend that one that likes the rabbits so much. She reminds me of one that I spent over five years trying to initiate into my circle of friends. Now I highly doubt it but maybe if you throw yourself out to her and offer to clean up her animals' shit, maybe she'll put out for you.

Now I must cut this short because Starlight and I are having a freshly baked cake delivered to us in bed. Don't have too much fun down there Luster!

Disappointed in You,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

P.S. I would like to know where Spike was. I thought he would be out helping you like he always helped me. Now listen and listen carefully, in the future you need to have him out helping you so you don't fuck anything up.


Dear Twibitch,

How the fuck was I supposed to know that some sort of monster was going to come in and crash the party? You sit there and act like I have the gift of foresight but I don't. To make matters worse, Starlight's fucking little angel goes and just talks to the damn thing and suddenly it transforms into a changeling. I also saw how Bright Beam, Starlight and that changeling were having a casual conversation and sharing a few laughs. If I didn't know better I would think that you probably set this up. I know for a fact that Starlight is friends with the changelings and all of you probably concocted some sort of plan to make me look like a fool and make her precious little ass kissing protege look good.

I suppose I should thank you for letting me live in your old castle but right now I can't bring myself to do anything other than curse your fucking name. Now tell me, how the fuck am I supposed to make friends with a bunch of inbred hicks who lack the intelligence to be in my presence? Outside of that pegasus that loves rabbits, none of them are worthy of having my friendship. Mark my words though, Bunny Girl's pussy will meet my horn before too long and then I will at least have one friend. Just leave me alone for now, I don't want to have to correspond with you any further.

Oh and regarding Spike, he was being a little asshole. He told me that he had to come along to make sure I did everything right so I grounded him and kept him confined to the castle. He should know that he is my slave and does what I say, not challenge my authority.

Hating Your Guts,

Luster Dawn

P.S. I saw you and your sister sucking face behind the school down here and I am disgusted by it. I actually feel ashamed to be the protege of a pony who commits incest with her sister IN PUBLIC. I swear, if you two didn't have infinite powers and if Equestria still had an ounce of morals, they'd demand you abdicate the throne or overthrow you in a coup. One day they will finally realize that incestuous sisters are doing nothing but hurting our image in the eyes of the rest of the world and do what it takes to fix that problem.


Dear Luster Dawn,

Tell you what, it took me many years to befriend the ponies I did so at least try to make some acquaintances like I did. Nopony ever said you had to like them but at least get to know some ponies because I'll be damned if I'm going to let you hide out in that castle and do nothing.

And regarding Spike, you are not to treat him like a slave nor are you to "ground him" and keep him confined to the castle. If I didn't need a quick way to communicate with you I would just take him home with me. Watch it Luster, if you keep this up I'll force you to move to the apple farm and have Applejack put your sorry ass to work!

Making Sure You Don't Hide Out,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Don't make me laugh Luster. Sure some ponies frown upon what my sister and I do but a majority of the country has taken the attitude that if it doesn't affect them directly that they simply don't care. Don't forget, both Starlight and I lived in Ponyville for a while and they eventually grew to like both of us AND we did stuff like that constantly down there so I doubt they're going to think anything bad about us! You however, they'll probably hate you solely for being a bitch in public.


Dear Bright Beam,

I am so proud of you! Even though you have been busy taking care of Vice-head mare duties, you were able to jump in and stop that changeling from leveling Ponyville and you saved the festival that was being held for my sister and I. I am glad to know that you were able to get Pharynx to stop wanting to destroy the town and then got to know him. He is pretty nice once you get to know him. My guess is that he was merely having a bad day but don't worry, he won't do this again. Again thanks for saving the festival.

Sincerely,

Starlight


Starlight,

Well I just saw that a creature was attacking town and I did what any good unicorn with powerful magic would do. I am glad to know that it was just a changeling rather than a legitimate monster but I like to think of it as a test. I think of it as a test that would show whether or not I could protect the school and I passed. I feel more confident now that if any dangers arise, I can protect the students down here....and if you ever need any help setting festivals up down here, let me know! I'm pretty sure that I will do a much better job than Luster Dawn will. I heard her grumbling and bitching about having to come down here.

Sincerely,

Bright Beam

P.S. I'm not sure if anypony else saw it or not but I saw you and your sister kissing passionately behind the Ponyville schoolhouse. Now I don't have any problems with it, hell I think it is cool that you and your sister aren't afraid to show your love for one another. I know Luster knows what you two do and doesn't like it but I think she is jealous because you two won't let her in on your activities. Oh well, I see nothing wrong with it and Equestria is way more accepting than it used to be so I bet nopony else will see anything wrong with it either.


Dear Bright Beam,

Well I am happy to know that you see nothing wrong with the activities that my sister and I partake in. This is another reason that you are such a great protege, you see nothing wrong with sisters sharing a special kind of love with one another. Now I'm sure there are some things you won't stand for, such as Luster finding a way to reproduce, but the fact that the love between my sister and I doesn't bother you is good to me!

Sincerely,

Starlight

Luster's Acquaintances

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Dear Twibitch,

Well I finally decided to do that fucking assignment you gave me, get to know some ponies. Now naturally they aren't worthy of friendship but they are acquaintances and I tricked them into tolerating me. You see, I told them that you would kill me if I didn't find some ponies to hang out with and surprisingly they actually felt sorry for me. Now yeah, that hasn't helped your image down here any but sometimes a pony has to lie to get things done.

Let me start out with the sexy one. Yes I did get to know Bunny Tracks and good grief she is retarded. She barely speaks to other ponies and prefers to sing to those stupid animals of hers. Now unfortunately the little bitch yelled at me for watching her ass as she walked but a day will come when I will initiate her and she will become my friend.

Now for a true genetic defect. I met this pegasus named Scootaloo and get this, the little bitch can't even fly! Yep, her wings never grew enough to get her off the ground. Now I call bullshit on that because there is this pegasus that takes steroids down here with even smaller wings and he can fly. I think she is just too fucking stupid to fly and to make matters worse, she lives with her lesbo aunts, lesbos just like you and Starlight. Despite her being defective, I got to know her and will spend time with her when it is necessary.

Then there are these two little bitch earth ponies that come from rich families, Diamond Tramp and Silver Skank are their names I think. I have heard that in the past that they were bullying little bitches but now they are all nice to everypony. What a bunch of losers, at one time they knew they were the best but now they think they're on par with other ponies. Oh fucking well, I decided to become acquaintances with them since I'm being forced. Now despite them being earth ponies and being losers, I might try to make friends out of them someday. I do think they're hot and my horn is really seeking rich girl pussy.

Then there is this country mare Apple Bloom who is good friends with the defect that can't fly. Dumb thing about her, her cutie mark resembles the defect's and a squeaky voiced white unicorn, her name is Sweetie Bitch I think, that is annoying as hell....yeah I decided to spend some time with her. I had to put up with her non-stop bitching about how you took her sister away from her for years and was complaining about your mother and how she hated them. Now I did get a bit of a laugh out of it but hey, I've made SIX acquaintances. I heard when you got banished to this shithole you only made five so I'm up on you there bitch!

Now that I've got to know some of these rejects and will be doing shit with them, could you give me a time table of when you'll let me come home? Yeah I fucking hated putting up with you but dealing with these inbreds is probably going to be worse.

Making Acquaintances,

Luster Dawn


Dear Luster,

Look bitch, you are to address me by my title. Perhaps if you ever become respectable and treat me with respect like Bright Beam does Starlight, I'll let you call me just by my name but for right now, I can tell that won't happen. Now regarding the ponies you have got to know, outside of Bunny Tracks, I know all of them.

Now I don't know what is wrong with Scootaloo and why she can't fly but if you insult her even one more time, I will come down there and paddle your ass red. Regarding those rich earth pony fillies, I never was a fan of those bitches even after they allegedly reformed....I do have a feeling though that you'll probably befriend them first because they think the world owes them everything like you do and given nopony else will accept them, maybe they will put out for you.

Regarding the unicorn, I get letters from her all the time and I just toss them in the trash, I have no need for her drama and the farm pony, she is decent....not a prize rooster but still way better than you. Who am I kidding, everypony is better than you, hell Cozy Glow is better than you and she nearly destroyed Equestria, TWICE. You know you better be good because one small part of me wants to free Cozy Glow and turn you to stone instead. Yes she is a conniving little thing but at least she isn't a spoiled, self-entitled bitch like you are.

Now don't do anything to jeopardize hanging out with those new acquaintances. If any of them stop wanting to hang out with you, I'll do to you what I did to that worthless guard or you'll wind up in the sculpture garden, capiche?

Surprised You Made Acquaintances,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Regarding Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom and Scootaloo, they were on my mother's shit list because they published embarrassing pictures of her in the local school newspaper so of course they were on her shit list. They are on MY shit list too because one time they took advantage of me because of my popularity. The little bitches got their whole class to do shit for them because they were close to me....and that is why they are on the list of ponies you must befriend. I want to make them just as miserable as I'm making you.

Spike Runs Away

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Dear Twibitch,

I am not one bit happy right now. In his less than infinite wisdom, Spike decided to go take a trip to the dragon lands to hang out with Ember to discuss some "important issues" I am not one bit happy because of this, I had to actually cook one of my own meals. Do you realize how beneath me that is? I have Spike around to do menial chores that are beneath me, not to have him run off like a disobedient little bastard.

You know something, I think this warrants him being replaced. His job is to be my slave and do what I say, not run off and hang out with inferiors. I ultimately went out to the dragon lands so I could drag his ass home and punish him for bailing on me when it was time for supper. Now when I got out there I discovered something truly pathetic.

Get this, the little bastard was out there not only hanging out with Ember but was also out there with this orange dragon from the school and then this red dragon who was writing poetry. From what I understand that dragon used to bully him but now they are friends and the former bad ass was writing poetry? I swear, he must be gayer than a three bit coin. I thought dragons were better than that but apparently not, it is no wonder his friends kicked him to the curb. I'd do the same too if I were a dragon.

Now I didn't completely waste my time while he was away. I did decide to go and try to seduce Bunny Girl. I lowered myself to helping her give her animals a bath but when I swatted her flank and asked her if she would be my friend but she slugged me and called me a rapist! Can you believe that? I help her out with a very demeaning task but she won't pay me what I feel she owed me. Mark my words though, that little bitch will put out for me some day, I'll see to that.

Mad at Bunny Girl,

Luster Dawn


Luster,

Look, Spike does have friends in the dragon lands and he is very well respected there. Hell he is our ambassador to the dragon lands so I would advise that you just let him go. Also, there were times when I had to fix my own meals and I had absolutely no issues with it. Obviously you though aren't intelligent enough to do it. I can only hope one day that you will undercook something and you will wind up dying because of it. That would be a truly wonderful event but there would be two drawbacks to that.

The first drawback would be that you could no longer be miserable if you were dead and the second drawback would be that Bright Beam wouldn't have you around to be infinitely better than. Now when it comes to Bunny Girl, you're way too much like I was when it came to PETA Girl with the exception that I know for a fact that you will never seduce her, ever. Hell you may just have to horn rape her and if you were to do that, I'd saw that damn thing off!

Laughing You Can't Get Bunny Girl,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Race of the Proteges

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Dear Twibitch,

Well an annual event that I found rather stupid came up, the Running of the Leaves. Now normally I wouldn't be the slightest bit interested in something so stupid but when I heard ponies talking about how you won it one time, I figured I'd take part in this and try and win it as well. You know what is ridiculous, ponies have to run to knock the leaves off the trees! Can't they just do it like they do in other countries and let them fall off on their own or at least use magic to remove them like we did up in Canterlot.

Anyway, about this race. The fucking thing sucked because I was horrible. I finished dead last and these two old farts by the name of Crash and Applejack I think, well they finished up at the close of the front of the pack but you know what pisses me off? What fucking pisses me off is that Bright Beam not only won the race but she broke the damn record. Why is it that she must always be so much better than me at everything? I almost wonder if Starbitch didn't cast a spell on her to give her extra speed for this event and YOU did something to slow me down because I should have finished first.

To make matters worse, I tried to initiate Bunny Girl afterwards but she told me "sorry but I don't fuck losers" and then proceeded to throw herself out to Bright Beam. Now I know something is seriously wrong with Bright Beam because she told Bunny Girl that she won't put out unless she is in a deeply committed relationship. What kind of fucking loser thinks like that? Hell if Bunny Girl threw herself out to me I'd fuck her in a heartbeat. Chances are Bright Beam is trying to be little miss priss and make everypony love her more than they already do and make it look like she has morals....ugh, now that is pathetic!

What a horrible day it was, I lost a race and was shot down by Bunny Girl. I want to know something, what the fuck would you do when you had days like this? Are there any ponies down here that will put out at the drop of a hat? Are there any ponies that will accept me no matter what, regardless of how much most of the town hates me?

Hating Losing Races,

Luster Dawn


To My Whiny Little Protege,

Ugh, is this all you're going to do, whine, whine, whine? I don't know if you took part in the Running of the Leaves solely so you could bitch to me about it or because you thought you had a snowball's chance in hell of actually winning it. Well one thing is for sure, you're nothing like me. The first year I was down there, I won the race and got a nice, shiny gold medal out of it. Starlight and I were spying from our balcony and it looks Bright Beam got the same thing, a nice shiny medal but she also got a trophy for setting a new record. Now that right there is proof that us unicorns are better than the other two tribes....well most unicorns. You however, you are a disgrace to unicorns everywhere and given that at one time Starlight and I were unicorns (and thus still carry unicorn genetics), I feel that we can take the liberty to classify ourselves as such.

Now listen to me and listen to me good, don't even bother trying to run the race in the future. You don't have the leg muscle nor do you have the stamina to run such a race. Hell next time volunteer to be the time keeper, well if you have the brains to do so, or perhaps just avoid the activity entirely. Now regarding Bunny Girl shooting you down, that doesn't surprise me. PETA Girl shot me down and I won the fucking race for pony's sake!

Now about who will buck you. Now I know they're getting old but go check at the spa. The spa twins put out for me all the time. Now I do spy on Ponyville from my balcony so I can see you being miserable and I do have some good news! The spa twins are training a couple of hot replacements since they are nearing retirement. If they are like most spa hotties, they'll put out for you and love you when nopony else will. Hey I was the most hated pony in town and they constantly put out for me. Just don't bitch about your problems to them, give them tender horn sex and you'll have a couple guaranteed bootie-calls! Now I must get going because Starlight and I are having a cake delivered to us and that is far more important than putting up with you further.

Disappointed in You Again,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle


Dear Starlight,

Well fall is upon us again and like it always does down here in Ponyville, the Running of the Leaves took place. Now I hope you aren't mad but I decided to take part in it. I know I had a busy schedule but Twilight took part in it back in the day and I just decided I wanted to try it out. Don't worry, Iron Will took over my duties and he actually did a pretty good job!

Now about the race. Well I had most everypony telling me they didn't think I would do very good, especially Luster but guess what? I won and not only did I win, but I set a new record! Not only do I have a nice shiny gold medal around my neck but I have a huge, kick ass trophy on a shelf in my office now too! I'm honestly thinking of taking over the P.E. classes down here. Hey I can run like the wind so I may as well, right?

Now what does surprise me is that despite being up there in years, Applejack and Rainbow Dash finished second and third. Those two seem to have mellowed out over the years because from what I understand one time they finished last because of how they were fighting. Oh well, this time the last place finish was reserved for Luster. I personally don't think she was even trying. Hell it took her until sundown to finish the race from what I understand. Now I didn't hang around that long because I had papers to grade but from what I understand she crossed right as the sun was dipping below the horizon and was demanding a trophy. When I heard that my immediate thought was, "Same old Luster, wants a trophy merely for participating."

Anyway, just thought I'd write you and let you know about the race.

The Fastest Pony in Ponyville,

Bright Beam


Dear Bright Beam,

Booyah Bright Beam, Booyah! Way to show them other ponies that a Canterlot pony can win that race! I know they thought the same thing when Twilight took part in it and she wound up winning. Let me say that I'm very proud of you and you don't need to worry about me being mad. You are learning a lot down there and learning to kick ass in races is just part of the game. Maybe some day I will teach you how to fly with just your magic and you can enter the best young flyers competition too and win something I never had the opportunity to compete in.

You know something, I know I've said this before and I'll likely say it many more times, you're like the daughter I never had. You excel at everything you do and you always try your hardest. Now when it comes to Luster, I know she will continue to fail miserably in all aspects of life but she isn't our problem so let's not focus too much on her, alright?

Anyway, I'm coming down to Ponyville this weekend and how about I take you out to lunch for kicking ass in that race. Does that sound good?

Very Proud of You,

Starlight

Ponyville Warm Up

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Dear Twibitch,

You know something? I just don't get this fucking place. It was just a few days ago that Starbitch's precious little angel won that trophy for winning that dame race and now here it is time to melt away all the damn snow to make way for spring. I want to know something, if you and your lover (aka sister) are infinitely powerful, why the hell don't you just reverse that stupid spell your mother and aunt cast so long ago to cause ponies to have to put up with all this shit?

Well anyway I knew the damn routine, everypony has to take part in this menial event or we'd be stuck in a frozen wasteland for all eternity. Now everypony had their stupid jobs for the most part, everypony except for me and Spike. Well Spike decided to just crawl in a bush and take a nap. I know when he pulled that shit with you, you woke him up and told him to help in getting that sorry event done but I figured "fuck it" and went on to handle things on my own.

For starters, Sweetie Belle is a fucking idiot. Did you know that she was trying to make birds' nests all by herself? I mean seriously, how fucking stupid is that? That wasn't the only stupid shit that these ponies were doing. The rich bitches were out trying to score the lakes. Now I tried talking to them and convincing them to forget scoring the lakes when they could score with me instead. You're not going to believe this but I almost got my horn in Diamond Tiara's love canal but then Silver Spoon had to be a bitch and remind us that we had to get the lakes taken care of. Ugh what a bitch, I could have had a friend had it not been for her.

Now for another idiot, Bunny Tracks. She has to be the dumbest of them all, waking animals by ringing a bell outside their damn burrow. I approached her while she did this and told her that she should just let me ring her bell instead but she hit me, she hit me! Well I knew she was going to be a lost cause and then I decided to go help Apple Bloom at the Apple farm but she got all pissy just because I used magic to help clear snow away. Yes I caused an avalanche and shit but hey, it was the thought that counted, right?

Oh fucking well, all those ponies proved to be ungrateful assholes. Not a thank you, kiss my ass or anything from a single one of them but then little miss perfect comes out of the friendship school, sees everypony fighting, fires a bolt of energy out of her horn and cleans up winter. Now for what is funny, the whole town is mad at her for not doing things the traditional way! I guess Starlight's little angel ain't so perfect after all now is she? I am thinking in the future though that I'm skipping town when this lame event comes along.

Hating Winter Wrap Up,

Luster Dawn


Dear Luster,

You know something, normally I would go off on you and tell you how pathetic you are but I'm not going to this time because you behaved almost exactly how I did the first time I had to put up with that shit. With the exception of almost making a friend, our experiences were quite similar.

Now I am very impressed that you almost made a friend. It took me years before I finally made a friend. Now I'm thinking that if you can get that Diamond Tiara bitch alone, friendship will be guaranteed and you'll have somepony you can fuck till the cows come home. Now don't fail me here Luster, you're way ahead of me here but if you do fail me, I will know you are beyond pathetic. Oh and if you do fail with Diamond Tiara, go after those new spa twins. Spa hotties are easy as pie and hey, if I could get in their coats when I was hated, I know you can get in these twins' coats too.

Now if you can behave a bit more like me, perhaps I won't hate you quite so much. Now yeah, the chances of me ever liking you as much as Starlight does Bright Beam is nearly zero but hey, maybe a day will come when I'll be able to tolerate you enough I'll let you come home!

Sincerely,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

P.S. You know, Starlight and I would have reversed that shitty spell our mother and aunt cast but we enjoy seeing ponies get so frustrated having to put up with that shit. Maybe if they ever was to enjoy the activity, then we'd get rid of it.


Dear Bright Beam,

I saw what happened with the wrapping winter thing up down there in Ponyville and I must say that I am a bit disappointed yet I am not surprised. I know it was likely exam day and that is why you didn't take part in it right away. I know seeing all those ponies still fighting and seeing nothing being done by sundown frustrated you but that didn't warrant you doing their activity for them. I have received letters from some of the more old fashioned ponies down there bitching and complaining about how you spit on their traditions.

Now yeah, I'd just say "fuck their outdated traditions" and use magic to solve every problem in Equestria but when you live on their turf, you kind of have to be careful not to piss them off. I do have some advice, next year just stay in the school. I know you're a lot like me, you don't have the patience to put up with things like that and hey, you are MY protege, you are above doing lowly things like that. That is the job of Twilight's protege, not mine!

Sincerely,

Starlight


Dear Starlight,

I know I shouldn't have used my magic to bring in spring early but they were fighting and I was sick of winter! I just wanted to bring in the nice weather early and I thought maybe they'd appreciate my help but apparently not. Maybe I'll just take the students on another trip to Las Pegasus next year around this time and maybe I can win more money in the casino all while Luster can be screwing up in helping with this horrid event.

Sincerely,

Bright Beam

Lazy Luster

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Dear Twibitch,

Well despite the weather turning nice another shitty time has arrived in Ponyville. I think they called it, "Everypony must help harvest or we'll all fucking starve" or some dumb shit like that. Well me and all my acquaintances headed over to the apple farm and got to work on harvesting apples. Well the first thing that pissed me off was that it was just me and my acquaintances along with the other apples that aided in this endeavor. All the other ponies were able to do their normal jobs, even that lazy unicorn Big Mac married didn't have to help since she works at the school. Well I decided to do what any normal unicorn would do and began to levitate the apples off the trees and Apple Bitch slapped me over it. She went on some tirade about how the apples will taste awful or some dumb shit like that if they aren't removed the traditional way. I figured whatever and said, "fuck this shit" and headed home.

Well when I got home I got lectured by Spike! Yep I got lectured by Spike. He told me I was a lazy bitch and that I should go back and help out so I left again but I didn't go to the damn apple farm. I went to the spa and it was the final day for Aloe and Lotus before they retired and were putting their nieces in charge, who just happened to have the same name. I told them how I was your protege and how I was having a bad day and guess what, they led me to the steam room and gave me a pampering that most mares could only dream of!

What made things even better is that they said as long as I don't bitch about my life or my lowly acquaintances is that they will not only put out for me on demand but they will be my exclusive lovers! Now that is fucking sweet if you ask me! Now am I going to stop trying to initiate Bunny Girl and score with Diamond Tiara, fuck no but hey, if I need some action, I know exactly where to go! Now Spike found out about it and he ain't one bit happy but oh fucking well, he will just have to get over it. If I'm not a happy mare, his life will be a living nightmare.

Happy I Have My Own Spa Twins,

Luster Dawn


Dear Luster,

Well let me start out by saying that I am not happy that you would lie to me. Either they started a new tradition after I left about the everypony starving to death thing or you simply made something up to bitch to me about since nothing bad has happened. Now if that did actually happen and you bolted, I don't blame Spike for lecturing you. Now he knew better than to lecture me but then again I was his owner while I simple decided to loan him to you and he knows I hate you almost as much as I hated Trixie when I first met her.

Now I am happy though that you have your own set of spa hotties so maybe you won't bitch quite so much to me. Remember this Luster, whenever you are having a bad day, just go get some pampering instead of bitching to me. I'm pretty sure you won't listen though, you'll go see them and still bitch to me since I molded you to be too much like me but oh well, as long as you get laid maybe you won't be quite so bad. Now don't do anything to lose those twins or your punishment will be severe.

Your Superior,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Invasion of the Lightning Bugs

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Dear Twibitch,

Did you know that there are these lighting bugs that live in the Everfree Forest? Well if you didn't before, now you do. You see, I was with my lousy acquaintances over at the apple farm. They were kicking the trees and I was holding the baskets so the apples wouldn't drop on the ground when all of a sudden they came swarming out of the forest and began firing lightning at us. Now for some strange reason the fuckers mostly targeted me and Apple Bloom. Now this is weird, Bunny Tracks was able to talk to them and they said that they went after Apple Bloom because they saw her in a vision once and that they targeted me once solely because I am a bitch.

Well that obviously pissed me off so I started firing energy at them but unfortunately they must be immune to my energy and after that, they decided to target me and me alone. The little bastards then chased me into the castle and now I have a whole swarm of the fucking things waiting outside like they think that when I come out, they can attack and kill me. Hell maybe I should do just that and then I'll be free of my misery.

Hoping These Bugs Will Kill Me,

Luster Dawn


Dear Luster,

Oh cry me a fucking river. if you honestly think I care about those bugs hurting you, you must be delusional. Now I would be upset if they killed you though because I certainly wouldn't want your misery to be cut short and if they were to kill you, I would have no choice but to fine your parents severely for my property being destroyed. Remember Luster, you are literally my property and while the market value on you is next to zero, I do call the shots so I could claim your value is a million bits and fine them into the poor house. That would be pretty sweet now, wouldn't it?

Now I know about the nature of those bugs and if they do any damage to my old castle, your parents will be fined as well. Things will operate like they did when my mom was in charge. If things like that get damaged, those who I thought were my parents would get fined or see their taxes go up. Now your parents are plenty well off and they are assholes so I would have no problems punishing them monetarily just for the fun of it. Have fun waiting out those bugs Luster!

Sincerely,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Gathering of the Old Timers

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Dear Twibitch,

Well, well, well....I guess friendship ain't so important to you after all. I got the message from you that your friends, well more like former friends, were having a gathering down here and ordered me to set it up. Now for what is pathetic, the moment I got the letter Spike got all excited and began going on and on about Rarity and how he STILL wants to score with her. Seriously, he is wanting to fuck an aging unicorn? Because of that, I decided to ground him but he then threatened to send a libelous message up to you that I liked boys because he knows you'd drop me if you even thought I was anything short of a full blown lesbian.

Well I let him go and when they showed up, he immediately rushed over to Rarity. The hell with that was my reaction, I saw something I wanted instead, this incredibly hot yellow pegasus I learned went by the name of Fluttershy. Unfortunately, that Discord guy I learned about in school is like her protective older brother or some dumb shit like that because when I tackled her and tried to give her horn sex, he turned me into a fucking orange! He warned me that he would banish me into limbo if I even tried that again.

Now what I would like to know is why weren't you here? I thought that perhaps with them being here, you would come down to try and rekindle some of those friendships, especially the one with PETA Girl since I did learn that at one time she OWNED you. Now I find that fucking hilarious, you at one time were owned by a tender little thing like her and that was before she had Discord around 24/7. I am honestly thinking of writing to all my former schoolmates and telling them about how you were the doormat of all doormats to an animal obsessed pegasus that was still shy for the most part. Damn I bet they'd lose a lot of respect for you!

To make matters worse, all they did was bitch, bitch, bitch about you and Starlight not being there and about how horrible the food was. Now that was Spike's fault, he was supposed to cook it but in the end I wound up using the government credit card to get some local restaurant to cater the event. I will say this, we got screwed over when it came to that. I was charged 5,000 bits when that meal wasn't worth 5 bits.

Now I'm not happy with Spike because I heard him bragging about how he actually scored with Rarity. I don't know if it is really true or not but so help me Faust, if I do discover that he isn't lying about it, I'm giving the little bastard a sex change operation. No way in hell should he be scoring with a pony, ever. That is flat out gross! Anyway, next time those old-timers come to town, please come and at least associate with them, I got sick of their bitching real quick.

Irritated With Your So-Called Friends,

Luster Dawn


Dear Luster,

Bitch, bitch, bitch, is that all you know how to do? Look, I had you take care of this because I had no desire to deal with it myself AND it was scheduled on a Saturday and you know that Starlight and I spend all day in bed on Saturdays. Anyway, I am glad they were able to irritate you but I am not thrilled that you tried to rape PETA Girl. Thankfully Discord put a stop to that because had you succeeded, I would have turned you into a decoration for the birds to shit all over.

Now that is a fucking lie about PETA Girl. She never owned me in any way, shape or form. We were a lot closer at that point and she did put out for me A LOT but she never owned me. I'm thinking I'm going to have to have a little talk with that bitch for making up that lie about me....more like an intense horn raping session. She will learn that one does not make up lies about the most powerful pony in Equestria and get away with it!

Now whether Spike finally scored with Rarity or not, I don't care one way or another but if he did and you do anything to him, I'll saw that horn of yours off and shove it up your ass and you sure the hell wouldn't want that now, would you? Now if you will excuse me, Starlight is giving me bedroom eyes so I'm cutting this short.

Getting Ready to Get Laid by My Hot Sister,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

P.S. You had the audacity to use the government credit card without my permission? Oh somepony is going to pay dearly for this. Guess what, I'm going to fine your parents 100,000 bits for this and I'm taking your copy of the credit card away for a while. It is obvious that you are not ready to have something like that. If I ever decide to give it back to you, your parents will get fined a hell of a lot more and be punished in an unimaginably horrible way.


Dear Twilight,

You're not going to believe this but when your old friends came to town, I scored with Rarity! Yep, after so many years I finally scored with her. Yes she is getting older but she is still as hot as ever! Now I did ask her about a relationship and she said no but she is open to more flings like this. Right now I am the happiest dragon in all of Equestria.

Happy I Laid Rarity,

Spike


Dear Spike,

That is fucking sweet! I know for so long I told you that you'd never get her nor would I allow you to pursue her but now, I'm happy you got her in bed. Now yeah, I know she doesn't want a relationship but if she will put out from time to time, that is even better. You won't be tied down by a relationship and you still get all the benefits!....hey that is a win-win if you ask me. Anyway, I'm glad you got her but I must get going because there is a certain butterfly-ass that needs to be threatened.

Happy You Scored With Rarity,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle


Dear Flutterskank,

So I heard you told my lousy protege that at one time you owned me. Well let me tell you something right now you little bitch, you better be glad I'm in a good mood right now because if I weren't, I'd come haul your ass over to Colgate's and let her and her friends have their way with you for a few days....trust me, I'd do it too! Now you better not pull this shit again or cause any other kind of trouble because if you do, I will take you to Colgate and instruct her and her friends to horn rape you so bad that you'd be praying for death, got that bitch?

Warning You,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle


To Equestria's Incestuous Bitch Leader,

Fuck you bitch. I was simply telling that little protege of yours the truth because I DID own you at one time. I can't help but wonder if you don't miss the times when I'd keep you confined to your castle while I went out and had fun with Dr. Fauna and Rarity. I know you secretly enjoyed it, I know you enjoyed it when the whole town knew you were my little bitch and had zero respect for you, I know you loved it when I forced you to humiliate yourself just to keep me happy. I will say this, don't even attempt to haul me off to Colgate because Discord would go through with his promise to make lots and lots of bits, cause the value of the bit to collapse and crash the economy.

Sincerely,

Fluttershy

Special: Luster's Special Correspondence

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Dear Iron Will,

Hi, my name is Luster Dawn and I heard that one time my mentor, Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle, was involved in a scandal involving Cadence and Flurry Heart. I have heard that initially it was thought she was the "father" but then a new set of cards claimed that was not so. I also know that at one time my mentor fucked her sister-in-law nonstop and I have seen pictures of Flurry and I think that the original set of cards were the truth because before Twilight got exclusive with her sister, I know that she was the lesbo ho of all lesbo hos and that she does know fertility spells. I think you should get them back on your show and do a paternity test, one that won't be manipulated by any outside forces because face it, Flurry Heart looks nothing like Shining Armor. Please consider my suggestion, I know it would make your ratings go even higher.

Twibitch's protege,

Luster Dawn


Dear Luster Dawn,

Iron Will thinks that is a splendid idea. Iron Will will contact the parties involved but right now Flurry is the ruler of the Crystal Empire and Cadence is the property of four very aggressive and possessive unicorns in Canterlot. Now Iron Will is certain Twilight will show up and he knows that you will come. This should make for quite the episode!

See all of you soon,

Iron Will


Shining Armor,

This is Iron Will and he is contacting you because there may have been a mess up with the cards in the paternity test and he needs you to come to the studio. Given that it is here in Manehattan, this should be no problem for you. After all, Equestria will truly want to know if you are really Flurry's father or if Twilight is.

See you Soon,

Iron Will


Iron Will,

For starters, you do know that Flurry is over 30 years old, right? You also do know that she is ruling in the Crystal Empire, right. I will go there but I know the results will be the same.

Shining Armor


Dear Princess Flurry Heart,

This is Iron Will and at one time there was a paternity test done regarding who your father is. Now in the end it was determined that Shining Armor was your father but Iron Will has received some inside information that may prove otherwise. Iron Will needs you to come to Manehattan as soon as possible so you can get the real answer.

See you Soon,

Iron Will


Iron Will,

What the fuck? You mean to tell me that Cadence, I mean Shining Armor might not be, like my father? Well I'll come and stuff but I do have royal duties y'know? I'll like get my royal advisor to handle things and stuff while I'm gone but I'm sure that the answers, I mean results will like, be the same.

Princess Flurry Heart


Dear Cadence,

This is Iron Will and he has a feeling that the first set of cards that were presented on his show over thirty years ago may have been incorrect. Iron Will needs you to come to Manehattan because a new paternity test is necessary. See you soon.

Sincerely,

Iron Will


Iron Will,

Hi, this is Colgate, Cadence's co-owner, dominating lover and master. Now I will allow her to come but I along with her other co-owners, lovers and masters will be coming along. She will also be wearing a horn cap AND I will be leading her around on a leash so she won't try any funny business, such as running to somepony who may try to take her away from us. Anyway, we shall see you soon.

Sincerely,

The owner of Cadence....Colgate


Dear Goddess-Queen Twilight,

This is Iron Will and he has some news that you may like. Iron Will has received some inside information that gives him reason to think that the first set of cards that were given to him on his show so long ago may have been the real set. Iron Will needs you to come to Manehattan for a second paternity test so everypony will know who Flurry's real "father" is. See you soon.

Iron Will


Iron Will,

Wait a minute, you mean I might be Flurry's daddy after all. This is fucking sweet but Starlight will be accompanying me because we can't go too long being apart without getting horrible separation anxiety and having a meltdown. We shall see you soon.

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle


Dear Celestia,

This is Iron Will and while he is not sure if you would care or not, he does have reason to believe that Flurry Heart may be your granddaughter so he is inviting you to an episode he will be taping soon involving a new paternity test involving your younger daughter and your niece. Let Iron Will know if you can make it, he hopes to see you soon.

Iron Will


Iron Will,

You bet I will come. This is going to be so hilarious. I do hope that Flurry really is my granddaughter. See you soon.

Celestia

That Crappy Love Holiday

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Dear Twibitch,

Well that shitty holiday where ponies waste their money on greeting cards, flowers and chocolate has arrived again. Yep, Hearts and Hooves Day is here and ugh, everypony is being all sappy and shit. Some of my acquaintances got into it. Diamond Bitch and Silver Slut were sucking face and groping one another right out in the middle of town. Can you believe that, they're almost as bad as you and your sister. The only reason I say almost is because at least they aren't sisters.

Moving on, Sweetie Bitch was crying and whining about not having a special somepony today. Now I would be her special somepony but she whines too much, just like her sorry ass sister. Speaking of her, I saw her and Fluttershy coming into town and ugh, there they were kissing gently and then they got a room at the local inn. I honestly hate to think what they're going to do but oh well, at least they're not going to go grinding out in the middle of town like you and Starbitch would.

Now for two of my other acquaintances, they were actually being semi-intelligent and not being all sappy and shit. Apple Bitch was apple bucking and the genetic defect that can't fly took a box of chocolates to Starbitch's little angel and begged her to cast a wing enlargement spell on her. Apparently Bright Beam is a softy because she managed to cast a temporary wing growth spell on her and get this, she was actually flying for about an hour but very quickly her wings returned to stumps and she crashed back down to earth. Oh well, I guess that loser got a little bit of time in the air. I am sure though that little miss perfect will study harder or Scootaloo will come up there and beg Starlight to give her permanent wings she can fly with since you obviously lack the brains to.

Now I am mad at Bunny Girl, I got some flowers and took them over to her. I gave her some seductive looks and asked her if we could be marefriends. I think she was actually considering it until I grabbed her flank. She then knocked me to the ground and started stomping me. The nerve of that bitch. Here I thought I was going to get a special friend and some action but oh hell no, she just had to shoot me down. What a stupid little bitch, she has no idea what she is missing.

Well in the end I went to the spa and Aloe and Lotus gave me their loving touch. They shut down shop, we went to the steam room and they gave me all the loving I could ever imagine. They let me give them horn sex, they sucked on my horn, we kissed passionately and they taught me something special, they called it "69" or something like that and oh my goodness, they taste so good! We talked and they have decided they will shut down shop on Sundays and devote every waking moment to me and me alone. Oh those two are so wonderful, they are the only friends I have and if that is how it winds up being, it is alright by me! Now I must get going, I have a date at the spa planned and the girls hate tardiness as much as you do.

Getting Love from the Spa Twins,

Luster "Getting Laid" Dawn


Dear Lusting Skank,

You know, I don't get why you are so upset about the rich bitches sucking face in public. Hell they did that behind the schoolhouse every day when they were fillies and from what I understand, they did unspeakable things in Silver's bedroom when they were younger. Now that doesn't surprise me about Flutterskank and Raribitch. I'm guessing though that they probably came into town and did that so you'd see it and report it to me. They probably figured I'd be jealous when I heard about it but I'm not. Hey, I have my sexy sister and we have already done all sorts of things that only the closest of sisters do and after I finish writing you, Starlight and I are going to try this abuse thing on one another that Colgate and Twinkleshine once told me about. You know, if you're interested, I'd gladly let you join us. We could crack out the whip, break out the paddle, heat up the chocolate and have all sorts of fun!

Yeah Bright Beam is a true gem isn't she, being so generous to help Scootaloo out like that. Now I know her birthday is coming up BUT I know for a fact that Starlight will not give her permanently big wings because of the shit she pulled so long ago. Starlight loves me and would never aid that little bitch for the libelous shit she printed in the school newspaper so long ago. Bright Beam may study enough to give her permanently big wings but Starlight sure the hell won't give them to her nor will I.

Now I would love to know how you got the spa twins to do all of that for you. I constantly begged Aloe and Lotus for the "69" thing but they'd never do it! Yes they shut down shop for me for months at a time but still, they never did anything like that. They said something about consuming body fluids was going too far or some shit like that. Now I will say this, you can not just go spend every single Sunday with those slutty spa twins, you will have to try to befriend those acquaintances of yours. Hell maybe you can take the rich sluts with you to the spa and all of you can have a five way.

Now I must get going, Starlight and I have special plans for right now. Starlight and I have a cake being delivered to us and eating it and then snacking on Starlight will be much better than continuing to waste my time writing to you.

Getting Ready to Eat My Sister,

Goddess-Queen Twilight "Your Superior" Sparkle