> A Near Miss
>  by Near Miss
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Chapter 1
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Near Miss sat in her landlord's office, trying to explain why her apartment had suddenly gained an open-air skylight. "Ever since my old space heater died, I've been working on ways to heat up my apartment on the cheap. A week ago I hit upon the idea of using adiabatic heating. I used magic to weld together a steel cube with a valve attached for letting air in and out. I then used magic to force air through the valve until the cube was nice and warm," said Near Miss, smiling slightly at her cleverness. 

Sufficient Repairs, her landlord, had been listening and watching his tenant carefully. "That all sounds well and good, but how did we go from gentle heating to missing chunks of roof?" asked the earth pony stallion.

Near Miss glanced about the room before steadying herself. "At first it worked great, the main downside was that I occasionally had to add more air to keep it warm as it heated the room. Also, whenever I released the air, the heater got really cold and actually made the room colder. As such I only let the pressure down right before leaving for work, so that I didn't have to deal with a cold room.

"The problem started yesterday morning when I woke up late, and forgot to vent it before I left. When I got back home, I added air to warm up the room, and then added air again before I went to sleep. I woke up shivering a few hours ago so I added even more air to it. Just as it was getting nice and toasty, the pressure must have been too much and it exploded, with most of it leaving through the roof." As she spoke Near Miss made less and less eye contact with Sufficient Repairs until by the end she was just staring at the base of his desk lamp.

The landlord leaned back in his chair before looking for something in his drawer. "To start with you are very lucky to escape that kind of explosion with only a few scratches, and I'm very happy that you are alright, but this is the third major accident you have had since you moved in. I'm sorry, but I can't have you around for a fourth, so I won't be renewing your lease." 

He seemed to have found what he was looking for, a large bag of bits. "As you know," he continued, "I insisted that you pay for unicorn renter's insurance, and it's a good thing I did, because that insurance explicitly includes unicorn powered appliance failure, which sounds like a pretty good explanation of what happened this morning, so here is your safety deposit back, I need you out by the end of the week." He pushed the bag of one thousand bits across the desk to Near Miss. "I wish it didn't have to end this way Miss Near Miss," he concluded.

Near Miss numbly nodded, took the bag of bits, got up, and left without saying another word.
> Chapter 2
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back in her one room soon to be ex-apartment, Near Miss got to thinking what she would do next. She could move back in with her parents, but that was unappealing as, due to her frequent accidents, her parents had forbade her from using magic in their house. That they had decided to demolish what was left of her room and wall off the doorway when she moved out also didn't help. 

Spotting yesterday's newspaper, she flipped to the classified ads and read through the 'for rent' section. Because Canterlot was mostly upper class, most of the places available would cost more than she made in a month, and the others would still eat up almost all her earnings. Doing temp work might be enough to live rather comfortably in other places, but not in Canterlot.

While idly flipping through the rest of the paper, Near's eyes landed on the announcement of a wedding between the principal of some state run school, and a former traveling magician. At the end of the article there was a small note that the magician's now unneeded caravan was for sale, details on page 17. Near flipped to the ad:

Used Caravan for sale
In good condition with new wheels
Probably no longer haunted
2500 bits


Near Miss sat up and read the ad again. While the 'probably no longer haunted' bit was somewhat concerning, the rest looked good. If she was buying instead of renting, her savings could easily cover the one time 2500 bit bill, with enough left over for her to live on for years without working if she was careful with her money. Near cut the add out of the paper and stuffed it into her saddlebags as she left for the bank. Half an hour later, with 3000 bits weighing her down somewhat, Near Miss boarded a train to Ponyville.
> Chapter 3
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Near Miss slowly made her way to the last carriage on the train. It was the least inhabited, which suited Near just fine. The only other passengers in the carriage were an earth pony mare and a sleeping pegasus mare sitting across from each other. Once the train started moving, the orange earth pony grew a malicious smirk, and quickly looked around the carriage. 

She had either not seen Near, or didn't mind an all-mare audience, as the mare quietly got up and walked over to the pegasus, gently prodding her. When the lightly snoring blue pony didn't respond to being prodded, the earth mare started gently kissing her neck. While the pegasus squirmed a bit, she didn't seem to wake up, so the earth pony grew bolder, planting a line of kisses down the other mare's barrel towards her rainbow colored tail. Just before she got to ground zero, the earth mare quickly looked around again, and then slowly licked the sleeping pony all the way from between her teats to her dock. 

Near was about to object to somepony doing that to an unconscious mare, when the earth pony gave a soft squeak as the pegasus used her hind legs to drag the culprit back to the scene of the crime. The two lovers only stopped their scuba [satisfying cooches utilizing booping apparatus] excursion several minutes later when Near Miss, tired of the increasing noise the two were making, lit up her horn to create a sphere of silence around herself, and accidentally alerted the intrepid divers, both of whom stared at Near like fillies with their hooves caught in the cookie jar. 

After several minutes of diligently not looking at the unicorn, the two interrupted love birds cuddled against each other and fell asleep. Shortly afterward, Near Miss followed them into dream land.
> Chapter 4
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Near Miss awoke shortly before the train jerked to a stop in Ponyville. As she got up to leave, she noticed the orange earth pony from before trying to sneak out through the caboose, her pegasister having simply bailed out through an open window as soon as the Ponyville stop had been announced. Near could almost hear the words of Fluff Mcgruff the Pegasus Pony, 'Only bitches use doors.'

From the train station, Near had little difficulty spotting the CASTLE OF FRIENDSHIP that definitely didn't dwarf almost every other building in town. At the castle doors, she was greeted by a magical hologram of a baby dragon that told her the caravan was out back. A quick telepoof later and Near Miss was trotting up to a light blue unicorn mare washing a modest caravan. "Hi, I saw an ad in the paper about a caravan for sale, is this the one miss..." Near started.

"You have the Great and Wonderful Honor of addressing the Great and Powerful Trixie!" the blue mare exclaimed, her brief fireworks display only setting a little bit of the lawn on fire. "You are correct," Trixie continued, "This is the caravan that Trixie is selling." 

Near Miss circled around the caravan examining it. Everything was as the ad described, new wheels, in good repair, but on the inside there were numerous splotchy dark stains on the floor, and even a few on the walls. Once she had finished looking around, Near entered the caravan and asked the magician "The ad said 'probably no longer haunted,' what's the story behind that? And what's with all these stains?" 

"Actually, both of those are related," Trixie sheepishly replied, "some months back the Eager and Power-thirsty Trixie decided to try her hoof at necromancy. So she pulled her caravan over to a nearby cemetery and got to work."

With a small pop, a purple unicorn telepoofed herself into the caravan. "Oh! Is this the story about the time that you failed at necromancy so hard that the souls of the dead rose of their own accord and gave you a pity haunting?" The new unicorn turned to face Near Miss. "It took her weeks to find out why they were haunting her, and that was only when they flat out admitted it when they left because Trixie and I were banging too loud. I'm Starlight Glimmer by the way, nice to meet you."

By this time, the blue unicorn was desperately trying to slink her way out of the caravan without being noticed or further embarrassed. Near thought for a moment then asked, "And is that also what all the stains on the floor are from?"

"Probably," replied Glim-Glam, "I could magic away all the stains and sanitize the caravan if you want," which earned a rather vigorous nod from Near Miss. A short spell later, and the caravan looked almost like new

After Near and Starlight had spent a few minutes haggling over the price, Trixie returned with an important looking paper in her mouth. The paper fell to the floor as Trixie spoke, "The Clever and Negotiative Trixie has returned to begin discussing the price of purchasing her caravan. Trixie is looking for 2500 bits for-" 

Starlight Glimmer interrupted Trixie, "We've already agreed on 2300 bits if I also magic it to Near's apartment in Canterlot.

Trixie was somewhat taken aback, "But Trixie read up on salesmareship and negotiations and everything," she said as she levitated over a copy of Haggling for Dumb Horses. "Besides," the blue mare continued, "2300 is less than the Great and Powerful Trixie advertised."

The purple unicorn sighed and began explaining, "That was your STARTING price Trixie, nopony should actually expect to get that much at the end of the deal. It's just a place for negotiations to start and frankly we're lucky she wants it at all, because even though I got the stains out, this place is going to smell like the Impulsive and Bone-Headed Trixie's ghost summoning experiment for quite a while."

When Trixie didn't respond, Near Miss took advantage of the lull in their conversation to levitate out twenty three 100 bit bags from her saddle bags which she then magically handed off to Trixie as she took the caravan's title from the floor. After stepping out of the caravan, Near Miss and Trixie Lulamoon watched as Starlight Glimmer picked up the caravan with her magic, only to pause and frown slightly before she rotated it 45 degrees clockwise, and then telepoofed it away. "There," Starlight said, "Now it's right next to your apartment Miss Near."

Near Miss was amazed at the purple pony's perfect parcel pre-positioning protocol as she realized that Starlight must have transported the caravan into the narrow alleyway next to her apartment all the way in Canterlot. Picking her jaw off the ground, Near asked, "How did you make such a complex and long distance spell look so easy?"

"You see the thing is that Trixie majorly gets off on feeling Weak and Powerless, so what better way to do that than being crazy Powerful and Good at magic, gotta go," Starlight Glimmer said just before telepoofing away, narrowly avoiding the beam of magic that Trixie had just fired at her.

The Angry yet Very Aroused Trixie's shout of, "Starlight Glimmer, you get back here and either apologize to Trixie or finish what you started," seemed like as good an excuse as any for Near Miss to politely and quietly leave.
> Chapter 5
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The next day, Near Miss was up bright and early to clean out her old apartment. She didn't have all that many belongings, so emptying the one room apartment into her new caravan went quickly. Once she was done, and had returned her key to Sufficient Repairs, she strapped herself into the caravan's pulling harness and... realized she had no idea where she was going to go. After pondering for a bit, Near decided to ask the traveling magician who had sold her the caravan if she had any suggestions for a first trip. And so, Near Miss started on her second trip to Ponyville in as many days.

As Canterlot began to thin into the surrounding countryside, and the sounds of ponies gave way to sounds of nature interspersed with the occasional squeak from her caravan, Near Miss began to ponder her next steps. After becoming bored with thinking about walking, she started to contemplate her future. Near knew that with her caravan, she could park almost anywhere and stay as long as she wanted, but that seemed somehow empty, and really trashy. If only she had  somewhere in particular to go, or some quest to complete, it would make her life much more bearable. Just then, she heard a noise above her, and as she looked up, she saw two entangled pegasai falling into a nearby tree. Once she had passed the tree, with nothing else to do on her walk, Near levitated a book out of her caravan and started reading.

As dusk began to fall, Near realized that she would eventually have to find a place to park her caravan for the night. She had already passed several small campsites of the kind that travelers and traders tended to use at night, and was delighted to find another one just as it got too dark to travel on the unlit road. The campsite she had found was rather simple, a small roundabout around a fire pit, with an unmanned 'honor system' stand selling firewood. After parking her caravan, she headed to the fire pit to find that somepony had politely deposited their leftover firewood in a small pile next to the pit. 

As it was nearly Neighvember, the night was rather cold, so Near decided to start a small fire to cook her dinner. The wood next to the fire pit was somewhat wet, and getting it to burn was rather difficult, so after a few minutes of trying the standard lazy unicorn way (shoot horn sparks at it 'till it burns) Near decided that the problem could be readily fixed by adding more oxygen. With a quick spell, Near concentrated the oxygen in the air to near purity around the log and, for good measure, even forced quite a bit of the concentrated oxygen into the log itself. The extra oxygen contributed greatly to Near Miss's next attempt to get the log to light, to the point that when her next stream of sparks hit the log, it violently detonated, knocking Near onto her back, and scattering the rest of the firewood. Ears ringing, Near Miss absentmidnedly rubbed her briefly glowing cutie mark before she decided to eat her canned soup dinner cold and then went straight to bed.
> Chapter 6
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The next morning, Near Miss awoke to angry signals telling her she had to go.  After some brief resistance, Near acceded to her bladder's rude and unreasonable demands, and left the warmth of her hammock to venture outside. 

In the early morning light, she could clearly see the results  of the previous night's novel fire starting technique. The metal fire pit itself was mostly intact, but the iron grill that used to be attached to it was now a tangled mess, embedded halfway through a nearby tree. Looking beyond the epicenter, Near saw that the sign advertising firewood prices had had a projectile the size of her hoof shot clean through it, and that the lean-to sheltering the firewood for sale had been partially demolished, though after a quick magical repair it was good as new again.

Once she had finished fixing the lean-to, Near Miss's bladder once again asserted itself, and with no bathrooms or outhouses nearby, Near backed up into a nearby bush and let loose. As Near let out a sigh of relief, she heard a groan coming from directly behind her. Badly startled, Near Miss jumped forward before spinning around to face the bush. When the groaning continued but no attacker appeared, Near approached the bush wherein she found a semi-conscious bat pegasus mare sprawled out in the bush, as if she had just crashed there.

Near Miss nearly shouted, "Who are you and what do you want‽"

Looking up at Near, the pegasus groaned, "I'm Long Shot, and did you just PEE ON ME‽"

Near Miss was somewhat taken aback, and replied, "I guess so. Why did you let yourself get peed on?"

Long Shot rolled her eyes before responding, "I didn't have much of a choice. I was flying along, minding my own business, and then I heard this loud 'BANG' right before I got shot out of the sky by a flying log. You wouldn't have anything to do with that, now would you?" Before Near could answer, Long Shot continued, "The next thing I know, some mare I don't know is peeing in my face."

Near Miss shuffled about awkwardly before answering, "I'm sorry, both for peeing on you and for knocking you out of the sky. I didn't think anypony would be in that bush, and the explosion last night was an accident. I'm Near Miss, by the way."

The lunar pegasus briefly considered the unicorn before her, before shooting into a cloud above the campsite for a quick rinse off, after which she glided lazy circles back down to where Near was waiting. "Now that I'm cleaned off," Long Shot started, "I can forgive you for peeing on me, but would you mind explaining how you managed to shoot down a pegasus by exploding a log at her?"
> Chapter 7
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After explaining the previous night's accidental explosion, Near Miss was awkwardly waiting for Long Shot's response. There was a long pause before the grey bat pony spoke up, "If you were standing right next to the fire pit when that log exploded you are very lucky to be alive," she pointed out, as she started walking over to examine the remains of the fire pit more closely.

"Well, yes and no," Near began, following behind the thestral, "That kind of accident is far from uncommon for me, in fact it's how I got my cutie mark. You see, my special talent is lucking my way out of dying, perhaps it's why I'm named Near Miss; the log that hit you would have taken my head off if it had hit me," She explained as she showed Long Shot her cutie mark, a horseshoe and a hand grenade.

"Wait," Long Shot held out a hoof, stopping Near suddenly, "So you can't die?"

"I don't think that's it," said Near, looking thoughtful, "More that if there's a way to luck out of dying, I seem to do so. While we're on the topic of cutie marks and special talents, why don't you tell me about yours while I get some breakfast ready for us," she said, gesturing to Long Shot's cutie mark of an arrow in the bullseye of an archery target angled back at 45 degrees.

"Works for me, actually my cutie mark and talent also have to do with luck," Long Shot explained, "When odds are bad, like really, impossibly terrible, I sometimes still come out on top. It doesn't always happen, but sometimes, no matter the odds, everything just falls neatly into place."

By this time Near had set up a small camping stove and was pouring haycake batter onto a frying pan. "So where are you headed?" she asked the waiting pegasus.

"Nowhere in particular," Long shrugged, "I just wanted to travel somewhere after I graduated, especially because my graduating on time was-" Near braced herself as Long put on mirrored sunglasses she had pulled out of nowhere,"-kind of a long shot." 

"That's weird," said Near, still cringing somewhat, "I'm on my way to Ponyville to ask somepony where I should head next. Now that my house has wheels, it seems like such a shame to not use them," she said while handing Long Shot a plate of haycakes.

By this time, the sun was well above the horizon, so Long shielded her face with a leathery wing as she started to eat. Near pondered this briefly before asking, "So, you're a thestral? I've never met a thestral before."

The grey mare looked up at Near before swallowing and replying, "That's right, and before you ask no, I don't drink blood from ponies, yes I do eat meat, although it's mostly just fish, and yes, mangos are the most delicious thing ever."

The unicorn was taken aback but recovered quickly, "I knew that the whole vampony thing was nonsense, but I thought that the whole 'any bat pony would kill for a mango' thing was just a stereotype."

"That's because it is a stereotype," Long Shot replied, "Not all lunar pegasai love or even like mangos, although depending on my mood, I wouldn't rule out some amount of violence upon anything or anypony separating me from a particularly ripe looking mango."
> Chapter 8
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After they sat in silence for a while, Near Miss spoke up, "Since you're not going anywhere in particular, would you like to travel with me for a while? It would be a lot easier going with the two of us than just going alone."

Finishing the last of her haycakes, Long Shot added, "And more fun too, I'm in." 

After helping clean up, and losing a coin toss, Long was pulling the caravan when she put on mirrored sunglasses without saying a word. "Did you just make a bad pun in your head?" Asked Near.

"Maybe," Long replied, "But to be fair, it is really bright for a thestral, so lets go with that instead." Long paused for a moment as she spotted a cloud of dust in the distance ahead. "What do you think that is?" She asked.

"I have no idea," Near said, "But it looks like it's coming this way. Maybe we should pull off the road to let it get by." Long nodded in agreement, and the two of them quickly forced the caravan several feet into one of the fields on the side of the road.

By this point they could see two ponies galloping away from a much larger group of ponies. As the two in front drew closer, Near saw that they were both unicorn stallions, with tan coats and red and white manes. Behind them was what looked like a rather angry mob of ponies in hot persuit. "What do you think they did to make so many ponies so angry?" Asked Near.

"I bet they used some kind of forbidden magic and now all those ponies are cursed and angry about it," Long answered as the two stallions ran past them.

Near paused before replying, "They don't look cursed," She said as the angry mob ran past the watching mares, "Maybe they took something important."

"Try took and clumsily destroyed," Said a guardsmare pegasus flying past, lazily following the angry mob.

"You're a royal guard," accused Long Shot, "Shouldn't you be stopping this?"

"I'm under direct orders from the princess, 'Keep them from being killed, but don't otherwise interfere,' so I'm keeping an eye on them," answered the guard, "And with the lead those two have right now, I figure the angry mob will get tired and go home long before they can catch up."

With that the guard flew off leaving Near and Long shaking their heads.
> Chapter 9
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By noon that day, Near Miss and Long Shot were on the outskirts of Ponyville, and shortly thereafter they arrived at the CASTLE OF FRIENDSHIP. After talking with the dragon hologram, they were told that the Great and Powerful Trixie was currently in the throne room and were ushered in. The door to the throne room bore a large "Knock Before Entering Sign", so Near knocked and heard a "just a minute," and a long muffled squeal before somepony telepoofed right in front of the two visitors.

"I remember you," The purple unicorn told Near, "You're the pony who bought Trixie's caravan. I don't believe we've met," Starlight said, gesturing to Long Shot.

"That's because we haven't," the bat pony replied,"My name's Long Shot, nice to meet you."

"We were hoping to talk to Trixie, is she available?" Asked Near.

"Sure, one second," Starlight replied, lighting up her horn and telepoofing in a familiar blue unicorn.

Upon rematerializing, Trixie let out a brief yelp as she fell to the ground. She had appeared with her forelegs way in front of her, like she had been leaning on something, and with her rear legs widely spread. As soon as she hit the ground, Trixie shoved a hoof into her own mouth, let out a shuttering, if muffled, grunt, and tucked her tail tightly between her legs.

The Embarrassed and Mostly-Done-Shaking Trixie slowly got to her hooves and brushed herself off, glaring daggers at Starlight all the while. "The Great and Powerful Trixie doesn't believe that we have been introduced," She said to the thestral.

"Hi Trixie, this is Long Shot," Near said, gesturing to her friend, "We were hoping to ask you for some advice."

Trixie almost fell over again, "Y-You came to ask Trixie?" She asked before recovering, "Of course you came to ask the Great and Powerful Trixie for advice."

"Yeah," Near replied, "We wanted to know if you have any suggestions for good places to caravan to."

Trixie sighed, "Unfortunately, Trixie only used her caravan for traveling between cities for her magic shows, and as such cannot recommend any truly great caravaning destinations."

Upon seeing the disappointed looks on her guests faces, Starlight told them, "If you're just looking for something to do, there's that magical artifact bounty I put up."

"What kind of artifact?" asked Near.

"It's a pre-equestrian grundle tickler. I have the location narrowed down to a single cave system in the Badlands."

"I don't know, the Badlands don't exactly sound all that inviting," stated Near.

"There's a five thousand bit reward if you can retrieve it for me," Countered Starlight.

"We'll do it!" Shouted Long Shot, her wings flared out.

"Wonderful," Starlight said, clapping her hooves together and telepoofing in a manilla envelope, "This packet has everything I know about the artifact and its location."

Near opened the proffered packet and looked at the contents. There was a picture of the artifact itself, which looked like a weird long bent fork, a map of the cave system, and a large folded map of Equestria. In addition, the envelope also had a chart labeled 'Trixie's breast milk output' which detailed volume produced during various levels of stimulation, from none to multiple reciprocating with vibration, and all the way to magically compelled continuous orgasm. 

"I didn't know you had foals Trixie," Said Near Miss.

"Trixie doesn't have foals, why would-"

Trixie and Starlight both saw the misplaced chart at the same time. Starlight quickly blurted out something about being late for an appointment before telepoofing herself, Trixie, and the chart away. 

Behind the throne room doors, Near and Long heard a muffled scream of rage that quickly turned into a muffled squeal.
> Chapter 10
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sitting around a small table in the castle, Long and Near examined the remaining documents from Starlight's envelope. Based on the maps, the trip from Ponyville to the Badlands would take a few weeks each way. After choosing what seemed to be the best route, Near spoke up, "We're going to need a lot of supplies for this trip. Ready for some shopping Long?"

One musical shopping montage later, Near and Long had all their purchases stacked next to the caravan. Near pulled out their list, "Three months rations for two ponies?" Long pointed at a large pile of foodstuffs, "Check. Cooking and cleaning kit?" Long held up two mess kits before dropping them onto a pile of pots and pans, "Check. Four pony tent for when we don't want to sleep in the caravan?" the thestral lazily kicked at a canvas bag, "Check. Hammocks, sleeping bags and toiletries?" a dark grey bat pony stuck her head out of a pile of stuff, and yawned, "Check. Board games for when we get bored?" Long Shot lazily flew over to the caravan and perched on top of it, already tired of this gag, "Check. Emergency raft?" the lunar pegasus yawned again, "Check. Climbing harnesses, rope and other caving gear?" Long Shot did not respond at all, having fallen asleep, "Check. 40mm automatic Borfors anti-pegasus gun with anti-awesome-pony ammunition? Check," Long Shot's ears shot up, and she looked at Near.

"What was that last one?" Long asked.

"You know, the climbing gear for getting through the cave." Replied Near.

"I'm pretty sure that's not what you said," Asserted Long.

"Nope, no idea what you're on about," Said Near, "But it's getting late. Do we want to start out tonight, or set off in the morning?"

"Seeing as how it's your turn to pull, I'd say we should start tomorrow," said Long, starting to load their purchases into the storage spaces under the caravan.

"If you're not leaving until tomorrow, you should stay in the castle for tonight," Starlight said as she telepoofed in front of Near.

"Sure, we'll be in as soon as we get everything packed up," Near said before all the supplies glowed briefly and then flew into the various storage spots under the caravan. Starlight then telepoofed the three of them into the castle.

Inside the castle, they found the Exhausted but well Cuddled Trixie curled up on a large bean bag chair the same color as her coat, cuddling a Trixie plushie. "I apologize for accidentally leaving that chart for you to find," Starlight told Near, loud enough for Trixie to hear, "I definitely didn't do it on purpose to embarrass and humiliate Trixie or anything."

"Go fuck yourself Starlight," Trixie responded without moving from her bean bag.

"But just between you and me," Starlight continued much more quietly, "I wish I had done it on purpose."

"I'll forgive you on one condition," Near whispered, "You have to teach me that lactation spell." Before Starlight could respond, Trixie farted loudly, somewhat spoiling the moment.

Meanwhile, Long Shot started sneaking her way over to Trixie, who was softly talking in her sleep. By the time she got there, Long could tell that Trixie was dreaming about doing her magic show, at which point Long grew a mischievous grin. Leaning down to Trixie, Long whispered into the magician's ear, "Something's wrong Trixie, your magic stopped working. The crowd's getting impatient, what are you gonna do?" As she spoke, the Surprised and somehow Magicless Trixie became visibly agitated, shifting around and pawing at something in her dream.

"Oh no Trixie, somepony in the crowd summoned an Ursa Major-" Long was interrupted by Trixie waking up with a yelp, followed by several minutes of the Rudely awakened and Pissed Trixie's first attempt at preparing roasted lunar pegasus. It was not until an hour after the blue unicorn had given up on trying to cook Long Shot and had gone back to her bean bag chair that Long dared come out of hiding long enough to slink her way into one of the empty guest rooms.
> Chapter 11
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning after a mostly silent breakfast, Long Shot, Near Miss, Starlight Glimmer and Trixie Lulamoon stood outside the castle. "I can get you to the Badlands," Starlight announced, "But after that I won't be able to help you, and you'll be on your own. While I don't think you will run into anything dangerous on your way to the artifact, you should be prepared for anything, and please be careful."  With that, Near and Long entered the caravan, and a short flash of light later, they were on their way.

Exiting the caravan, Near looked around at her new surroundings. Calling this place the Badlands made sense, the land would be useless for farming as it undulated endlessly, erosion having carved out countless valleys separated by equally countless bare sandstone hills. It was, however, not devoid of life, as tufts, patches, and even the occasional larger stretch of grass dotted the landscape along with the odd small shrub. The two ponies and their caravan had materialized on a dirt road, barely wider than the caravan, that wound its way along the valley floor.

"Alrighty," Near said, unfolding their map of the Badlands, "The first thing we have to do is find out where exactly we are."

Long Shot pointed a hoof at a sign a few hundred trots away, "I'm gonna go see what that sign says." Before Near could respond, the grey thestral was airborne. While she waited for her companion to return, Near studied the map, hoping to learn more about the cave system they were headed to. "It just says that Canterlot is 1250 kilotrots that way," Long said, pointing behind them before adjusting her sunglasses.

"Based on that," Near said, pointing to an x she had just marked on the map, "We're only about two hundred kilotrots away from the caves, which are called" -she squinted at the fine print on the map- "Jackie's holes... Ugh."

As Near set about putting away the map, she noticed Long had flown about twenty trots away from the road, and was staring at the top of a small sandstone ridge at her hooves. "What is it Long?" Near shouted, walking over to Long Shot.

"I could have sworn that there was a shrub here earlier," Replied Long as she prodded the spot, as if expecting it to collapse or otherwise reveal its secrets.

How can you be sure?" Near asked, pointing at a nearby shrub around ten trots be away from Long, "Maybe you're thinking of that one."

"I don't think so," Long answered, before leaning down and sniffing at the spot. "That's odd, it smells like cheap cologne."

"That is weird," Near agreed as she hooked herself up to the caravan, "But we should get going if we ever want to collect that five thousand bit reward." Long nodded in agreement and with that they were off.
> Chapter 12
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

On their first day in the Badlands, Near Miss and Long Shot made good progress. By Near's reckoning, they had advanced around fifty kilotrots towards their goal. However, once the sun went down, the temperature plummeted, to the point that both mares agreed to stop for the night much earlier than they had planned. As Long set about making dinner on their small camping stove, Near took a moment to relax. As she looked around at her surroundings, she she felt the hair on the back of her neck prickle.

"Do you get the feeling that we're being watched?" Near asked as her traveling buddy brought her a bowl of mixed veggies stew.

"Now that you mention it... Yeah. One sec," Long answered before launching herself straight up well over a hundred trots into the air, slowly circling above their campsite as she scanned the area. Most ponies would have had great difficulty seeing anything useful in such darkness, but Long Shot was a lunar pegasus, and her eyes could see everything even in the dim moonlight. After a few minutes, she suddenly flared her wings forward and rapidly lost altitude, intentionally stalling as she corkscrewed down to a soft landing in front of Near.

"It looks like somepony was following us, but their tracks just vanish about fifty trots that way," Long pointed a hoof away from the dirt road at a small hill nearby. "Whoever it was, they're gone now, or at least they decided to put at least a kilotrot between them and us."

After dinner, the two of them retired to the caravan, with Near setting up her sleeping bag in a hammock, while Long did something else entirely. After pulling out her sleeping bag, Long flew up to the ceiling before wrapping her tail around one of the crossbeams. Once she zipped up her sleeping bag such that the open end of it fit snugly around her tail, with the rest of her inside the bag, Near spoke up. 

"Do all lunar pegasai sleep like that?" Near asked the now well insulated thestral.

"Not always, but it's a great way to stay warm in the winter if you don't have anypony to cuddle up with," The pegasus pod replied, slightly muffled. As Near drifted off to sleep, she found herself wishing she had somepony to cuddle with.

--- fourteen hours later ---

The Badlands had been covered in a thin layer of frost when the two ponies had exited the caravan to do their morning business, but by the time they had finished cleaning up after breakfast, the sun had burned the frost away. It was Long Shot's turn pulling the caravan, and Near trotted alongside her as they chatted.

"Why would somepony be following us?" Near asked, "It's not like we have anything valuable, and I don't think I've made any enemies lately, what do you think?"

"I'm not sure," Long replied after a moment of thought, "Maybe it's some super shy pony who has trouble introducing themselves, or maybe it's a cannibal pony who wants to kill us in our sleep so they can eat us."

"Ha! Well, if it's that second one, they're in for a surprise," Near chortled, "Starlight Glimmer put an enchantment on the caravan so that nothing that means harm to the occupants can enter, and that anypony who wants to enter it needs permission from the owner before they can go in. And if they try anything while we're awake, they'll learn not to mess with ponies with grenades on their flanks."

"I thought your special talent was lucking your way out of serious injury and death," Long queried.

"Not dying is part of it, but my talent also seems to include creating the situations with the possibility of death to luck my way out of. As such I've gotten pretty good at making things go boom," Near explained. She then glanced over to some hilltops around a kilo trot away. When Long followed her gaze, several of the hilltops exploded in sequence as Near nodded her head in time with the explosions. Near then emitted a jet of flames from her horn, afterwards she launched a flaming missile which struck and exploded upon a nearby tree. Near Miss finished her display with several rapid fire but relatively small explosions on the ground around twenty trots in front of them before blowing away a small waft of smoke from her horn.

"Somehow that seems more concerning than reassuring," said Long Shot, as she made a mental note to stay on that unicorn's good side.
> Chapter 13
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was just after noon when Near Miss and Long Shot stopped for lunch. As Near prepared sandwiches for the two of them, Long glided above her in lazy circles, riding the thermals while she scanned the nearby area. Long had been keeping an eye out for their stalker since they had started out that morning, but much to her annoyance she hadn't seen anything yet. 

Once Near had finished preparing lunch Long glided back down, announcing, "I didn't see anything from our stalker. But I still feel like I'm being watched."

"That's because the author is watching us to find out what happens next." 

"Weird, maybe it's all just in our heads," Near suggested as she magiced a BLT (basil, lettuce and tomato) into Long's waiting hoof. 

After taking a large bite, Long responded through a mouthful of sandwich, "Or maybe they were just scared of getting kerploded by an angry unicorn."

Near swallowed and pondering Long's words for a moment, eventually smiling, "Actually I haven't had this good a reason to 'kerplode' anypony in ages, so while doing it I'd probably be a very happy unicorn."

Long Shot finished her sandwich before replying, "I am very glad that I'm on your side."


The rest of the day was rather uneventful, and by the time they stopped, Near and Long had traveled around seventy-five kilotrots. As Near set about getting dinner ready, Long was once again orbiting above their campsite, looking for any danger, or any sign of anypony nearby. Long had taken to the sky several times since Near had started pulling the caravan after their lunch, and now that it was growing dark, Long could clearly see another caravan stopped alongside the road a few kilotrots ahead of them.

"There's another caravan ahead of us," Long told Near as she landed, "Looks like they've also stopped for the night. But more importantly, I saw a lake not that far away, so I'm going to try to catch a fish or two for my dinner."

Before Near could respond, Long Shot was already out of earshot, and so Near finished cooking her ramane noodles before settling down with a book while she ate. By the time Near had finished her meal, it was fully dark, and starting to get rather cold, and just as she was starting to get worried, she was hit in the head by a falling trout. "Sorry, I meant to drop it next to you," Apologized Long before she landed and folded her wings, "There were tons of tasty fish, so I had my fill and even brought one for breakfast tomorrow. Can you put a spell on it so it won't freeze solid overnight?"

Near sighed before magicing the fish as she climbed into the caravan for the night. She noticed that Long didn't immediately follow her in, and that when the thestral did finally come in, her normally light and fruity scent had a faint but distinct tinge of musk added to it. "At least," Near thought, "Long has the decency to take care of herself outside."
> Chapter 14
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next day was very much like the day before, at least until Near Miss and Long Shot finished their lunch. While Near hooked herself up to the caravan, Long flew up to get a look around, only to immediately return, quietly declaring, "That caravan ahead of us is gone."

"Well, we did just break for lunch, so it makes sense that they've gotten well ahead of us," Replied Near.

"That's not it," Countered Long with a flick of her tail, "It's not just ahead of us, it's gone. It was just a few kilo trots ahead when we stopped for lunch, but now it's gone."

"Huh," Said Near, pulling out the map, "We should be pretty close to the caves by now, maybe the other caravan was heading there too. Let's keep going till the tracks ahead of us stop and take a look around there."

As Near pulled the caravan towards where the other caravan was last spotted, Long Shot was letting her imagination get the better of her as she came up with increasingly fantastic explanations of what became of the other caravan. "What if they are actually supervillains and this is the entrance to their-" Long was cut off as Near booped her nose.

"Equestria to Long Shot," Near called out, "I think we're here."

So distracted had Long Shot been with her imagination that she had not noticed when Near left the road and followed the other caravan's tracks right up to the entrance of a cave. The cave entrance was large enough that even though the other caravan was parked sideways, there was still room for Near to drag her caravan under the overhang. The other caravan was partially open, with a blue earth pony stallion tending his mobile store inside. At the moment, he was currently haggling with a very distracted looking stallion over the price of a gourd. After a brief back and forth, the distracted looking pony left, and the shopkeeper finally noticed Near and Long.

"Good afternoon young ladies, my name's Odyssey Endurance, but most folks call me  Odds and Ends, or just Odds," The stallion began, "I roam around Equestria buying and selling all manner of things. See anything that piques your interest?"

"Not exactly," Near answered before showing Odds the picture of the tickler they were after, "We're looking for this artifact, it's supposed to be in this cave, have you seen it?"

The stallion examined the picture for a moment before shaking his head, "Sorry, can't say I've seen that particular scratcher, but you could always ask around inside. The changelings love collecting various nick nacks, they might well have that one."

"Changelings!" Long exclaimed.

"Well, I mean, they're reformed changelings. Don't take love by force anymore, they only accept love and other emotions offered willingly," Odds reassured them.

"Oh... Ok then," Long said, absentmindedly flicking her tail.

"Thanks for the tip," Near said as she walked past the vendor. After a moment, Long also muttered her thanks before chasing after her unicorn friend.

"So," Long began awkwardly, "Are we really going into a changeling hive alone?"

"Five thousand bits is five thousand bits," Near answered, "Besides, I hear that reformed changelings are just about the friendliest creatures in Equestria."
> Chapter 15
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

About twenty trots from the cave entrance was a sign that read: 

Welcome to Jackie's Holes
Population: Changelings


The sign was written in crayon, and had an arrow pointing to the right, following a gentle right turn in the path. Beyond the turn the tunnel opened up into a large cavern filled with dozens of brightly painted stone buildings, buzzed about by many colorful Changelings. One of the closer Changelings spotted the two ponies and flew down to greet them. 

"Hi, I'm Spleens!" Announced the bright green  changeling as she landed, offering Long Shot a hoof to shake, "Welcome to Jackie's Holes!"

"Nice to meet you," Said Near before Long could be hoof shaken into submission, "I'm Near Miss, and this is Long Shot."

After vigorously greeting Near, Spleens asked, "What brings you to Jackie's Holes?"

"We're looking for this," Near answered after pulling out the picture of the artifact, "Do you know where it might be?"

"I've never seen anything like that, but I know someling who might know about it," Spleens explained as she started walking, "She works in the museum, this way." Near and Long shared a quick glance at each other before they started following their green guide. "Over here we have the marketplace, there's our bug-horsepital, that's our fire department, right next to it is our putting-out-fires department" Explained Spleens, pointing out each place in turn, "There's the library, that big one is our brothel, this one-"

"Brothel? Hang on," Long interrupted, "I thought changelings didn't eat love anymore."

Spleens was momentarily puzzled, "No, we just don't steal love anymore. We still eat all kinds of emotions, but only when they are given freely. Love and lust are still two of the most popular, so we made a brothel, changeling style. When some creature, changeling, pony or other, goes to the brothel, sex happens, the client gets laid, and the changeling gets a nice love, lust, and various other emotions snack to share with the rest of the hive. Sometimes we even pay the client for their services if they're particularly tasty, or if they're willing to stay for a while."

"That sounds awesome," said Long Shot, her tail twitching and rising slightly, "And can just anypony go in?"

"Easy there fluffy," Near said while pointing at Long's puffed out chest fluff, "Artifact first, then personal business." 

Long's fluff deflated slightly as she groaned, "Ugh... Fine."

"Here's our museum, and to answer your question, yes, any willing creature can use the brothel if they so choose," Spleens announced as she held one of the blue painted stone doors open.  

Inside the museum was a bewildering mix of everything from fossils to paintings to industrial training cutaway models and even a display of used toothbrushes added for good measure. Spleens wove her way through the displays towards the back. "Grey! You have visitors!" The changeling shouted. As Spleens turned a corner, she ran into and got briefly antler tangled with a greenish yellow changeling coming the other way. "There you are Grey, this is Near Miss and Long Shot."

Once Grey had stumbled her way back onto her feet, she greeted her guests, "Good afternoon, my name is Grey Matter, I am the curator of this museum, it's nice to meet you Miss Near Miss, Miss Long Shot. Welcome to the museum of Jackie's Holes."

"Hi Grey," Said Long excitedly as Near held up the picture of the tickler, "We're looking for this artifact."

After briefly studying the picture, Grey replied, "Yes, I do believe that we have that item in our collection, one moment please." The very polite changeling went off to the back rooms of the museum, and after a few minutes and several bangs and clangs, returned with the tickler held daintily in her forelock. "Here it is."

Before Long could speak, Near politely asked, "May we please have it?"

Grey looked somewhat taken aback. "I'm sorry, but I can't just give it to you-"

"What if we trade you something for it?" Long interrupted.

"Seeing as how it is the property of the entire hive, I'm afraid I don't have the authority to make such a trade. Only the mayor could do that."

Long opened her mouth to speak, only for Near to magically close it before she could get a word out. "Would you be willing to join us in discussing this with the mayor Miss Grey Matter?"

"When you ask so nicely, how could I refuse?" Grey answered.
> Chapter 16
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

On the way to the mayor's office, Long Shot and Spleens compared and contrasted their wings, tails and fangs, both trying to one up the other, culminating in a literal fang measuring contest just before entering town hall. The mayor's office door was open and she seemed glad to have company as she ushered the four of them in. "Good Afternoon, I am Neral Synapse but everyone calls me Ner. I am the mayor and leader of the Jackie's Holes beautification committee. Please, have a seat, and tell me how I can help you."

As Near finished explaining the situation, the mayor looked over to Grey, "Grey Matter, how much is the artifact worth?"

"I'm not really sure, it was found when we first explored Jackie's Holes. There is a light enchantment on it but we don't know anything more than that." Grey explained.

The mayor pondered this for a moment before asking Near, "What would you be willing to trade for it?"

"Well," Near answered, "We don't have much in the way of bits, but I'm pretty sure my friend here is in heat, so what if she 'stays' at your brothel for 24 hours or something like that in exchange for the artifact?"

"Make it 48 hours and you've got yourselves a deal," Mayor Ner said looking at the thestral.

Long Shot's wings snapped out with an audible Pomf before she shouted "I volunteer as tribute!" She then sprinted out of the room towards the changeling brothel, but not before Near Miss had managed to hit her with a few rapid fire spells. 

"Out of curiosity, what did you just cast on her?" Asked the mayor, sitting back down.

"Oh nothing special," Near answered, "Contraception, resist STD."



The changeling brothel was nicely furnished and very inviting, with several very comfortable looking chairs and couches in the reception area, but Long Shot noticed none of that as she burst through the front door and collided with the receptionist's desk rather forcefully before gasping, "Where do I sign up for sex?"

Without a word, the bright blue changeling slid Long a piece of paper and a pencil. The paper simply said:


Would you like to have sex with a changeling? 
(Circle one)

Yes.       /       No.



Long hurriedly circled her answer and pushed the paper back to the receptionist, prancing in place as the changeling looked over the form.

"Ok, please take the first door on the right-" Was all she got out before Long had launched herself at the door, slamming into it hard and tumbling into the room beyond.

The next thing Long Shot knew, she was on her 
back, looking up at a concerned looking changeling. "Are you ok?" The Changeling asked, "Should I go get a doctor?"

"No!" Long almost shouted, "I'm in heat. Sex now please!"

"How are you in heat if you're lactating?" Questioned the changeling, pointing a foreleg at Long's now swollen breasts, her teats gently dribbling milk.

Long glanced down at herself briefly before shaking her head, "Figure it out later," she said as she rolled over onto her belly before flipping her tail onto her back and lifting her rear to better offer her soaked and winking hole to the changeling. "Sex Please. Sex Now Please," She reiterated, shuddering slightly.

The changeling shrugged before mounting her, saying, "Only 'cause you said please."
> Chapter 17
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"We should probably let the brothel know what's going on, as somehow I don't think Long will do that good a job of explaining why she is there," Said Near as she and Spleens left the town hall. "Actually, I can probably manage on my own if you have other things you should be doing."

"Not really," Spleens replied, "Since I'm in charge of the welcoming committee, it's my job to welcome and assist any visitors in Jackie's Holes to explore Jackie's Holes in any way they want so that they can make Jackie's Holes their own to the point where they really feel at home in Jackie's Holes."

"Now you're just doing it on purpose," Near said with a snort.

"Yeah," Spleens agreed, "But wouldn't you do it too?"

"You got me there," Near admitted as they reached the brothel, "Let's go see how Long is doing."

After a brief chat with the receptionist, Near and Spleens were directed to a door that smelled strongly of mare in heat. Beyond the door was quite a sight, and both mares were slightly taken aback. In front of them was Long Shot, who was presently having sex with two changelings, one in her mouth, the other pounding her marehood. The two of them had synced up so that Long was being steadily pushed back and forth, and her engorged teats were gently bouncing about. 

Near leaned over and whispered something into the ear of the changeling behind Long who grinned before he pulled out and transformed himself into a pile of tentacles. He started working Long's nipples with his tentacles until she produced a gentle stream of milk from each teat, followed by a loud squeel as her now empty marehole sprayed mare jizz all over the tentacles behind her. Never letting up on milking her nipples, the changeling behind her pushed a tentacle into her winking hole. When it entered her, she squeeled, and her eyes went wide when it started prodding her cervix. He pushed one tentacle into her ass while slipping a second one alongside the one already pounding her pussy.  Long started trying to look behind her as one tentacle buried an entire trot of itself into her ass, and her entire body shook violantly when a different tentacle finally managed to force its way past her cervix. By this point Long was diligently coating everything behind her in small but high pressure sprays of marejuice every few thrusts. She had started to quiet down until the tentacle in her womb started coiling around itself, stretching her until she looked several months pregnant. At that point she gave a brief screech before going quiet as her eyes unfocused before the changeling in her mouth came and pulled out. Long's tongue flopped limply out of her mouth as she drooled, occasionally making a soft squeel, grunt or moan.

After a few minutes of watching Long Shot being literally fucked senseless,  Near asked Spleens "Is that normal? Or should we be worried?"

"I dunno," Spleens shrugged, "She seems to be having a good time, and the waves of love, lust, and happiness are delicious. It's almost like she is in some kind of constant orgasm state. Also she's making the cutest sounds."

Near walked up to her friend and looked closely at her face before signaling the changeling to stop. After a little bit, Long's eyes slowly focused on Near before the lunar pegasus mumbled, "Awww why did it stop, I wanted more."

Near shrugged before looking to the betentacled changeling, "Well? You heard the mare!"
> Chapter 18
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Since Long Shot was to be occupied for at least the next two days, Near Miss and Spleens decided, on Spleens' suggestion, to stop by the archeological excavation of a smaller set of caves not far from the entrance to Jackie's Holes. "Last I heard, they were saying that the evidence dates the last inhabitants caves to very early equestrian at the latest, and the oldest artifacts might even be from before the three pony tribes were established," Spleens gushed. 

"Really?" Near replied as the two of them trotted along a dirt road, "I've always wanted to see into the past, like far into the past. To look back as far as you can, and see the kind of pony that looks back at you. See if they stepped in horseapples too. Did you know that the oldest pony we know the name of was an earth pony king called Iry-Hoof? He ruled along the Neighal river more than 5000 years ago, but somehow I get the feeling that he sometimes stepped in shit too."

By this point, the two of them had reached the dig site, a stone overhang around ten trots long but only two or three trots deep, with a small stream that likely carved out the cave gently flowing a few trots away. The floor both in and out of the cave was made of sand and small gravel. If not for the ponies and changelings working there, they would have thought nothing of the small cave. 

One of the Changelings at the dig site noticed the visitors and trotted over to them. "Good evening," Said the orange changeling, "Would one of you happen to be Dr. Briwn?"

"No, sorry," Answered Near, "We're just curious onlookers on a day trip from Jackie's Holes. My name is Near Miss and this is Spleens."

"Oh," said the somewhat disappointed changeling, "Well in that case, I'm Vestigial Remnants, but everyone calls me Vera. It's nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too Vera. What all are you excavating here?" Asked Near.

"This looks to be some kind of shelter, dating to at least early equestrian but likely much older," Vera replied, as she lead her guests to the tents containing the dig's finds, "The really interesting thing is that in the oldest layers, we are seeing evidence of ponies and changelings coexisting peacefully. It's entirely unprecedented, and that's why I sent for Dr. Briwn from Canterlot University, she's one of the leading experts on the language of ancient ponies and changelings. She was supposed to arrive two days ago, but so far we've heard nothing from her."

"I just came from Ponyville myself, but I haven't seen or heard anything about a Dr. Briwn," Near said as she closely eyed the recovered artifacts. Some of them had writing on them, including what looked somewhat like ponish letters, mixed with others she didn't recognize. Near pointed at a clay shard, "What kind of writing is this? Is it ancient changeling?"

"And you've hit the nail right on the head," Vera announced with a clap of her hooves, "It's not ancient changeling or ancient ponish, but rather it seems to be an archaic mix of the two or, as I suspect, the mother language that both changeling and ponish descend from." 

Near glanced at Spleens, "Sorry if this is a dumb question, but what's the difference between ponish and changeling? They both sound the same to me."

"That's because we're not speaking changeling right now. Changelings are usually raised bilingual, speaking both ponish and," A strange hiss came out of Vera's mouth, " The strange thing is that the two languages tend to have almost word for word equivalence, that is to say, for almost every ponish word, there is a changeling word with the same meaning. We can talk more about this later if you want, but you might want to get going if you want to be back in Jackie's Holes before dark."

Near groaned, "Not you too."
> Chapter 19
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

By the time Near Miss and Spleens had made it back to Jackie's Holes, it was dark. Near had planned on just sleeping in her caravan that night, but Spleens insisted that Near stay over at her bug-horse-house. Spleens' house was actually very nice, despite its modest size and bright green exterior, the inside was roomy enough to include a cozy looking guest bedroom. 

As Near and Spleens flopped onto a couch in the living room, Spleens spoke up, "So what do you guys want that old museum artifact for anyway?"

"Well," Near began, "Ostensibly we're recovering it for Starlight Glimmer for 5000 bits, but to be honest I was mostly just looking for something to do."

"I know the feeling," Spleens said, "I'm in charge of greeting visitors, but you're the first visitors we've had in six months, if you don't count Odds and Ends parking his caravan at the cave entrance every few months." 

"Wow, that sounds really dull," Near chuckled, "Now that I think about it, my caravan has plenty of room since almost all the supplies and gear are stored either underneath the living space, or in the pocket dimension Trixie used for her stage... Nevermind that, what I was getting at is do you want to come with Long Shot and I when we leave Jackie's Holes?"

Spleens considered this for a moment before asking, "Where are you going after you deliver the artifact and get your bits?"

"I have no idea," Near answered.

"I'm in."
> Chapter 20
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Near Miss and Spleens slept in late the next day, to the point that it was almost noon before they left Spleens' house. First in their agenda was checking on Long Shot. After explaining pony dietary needs, specifically fluid replacement, to the brothel's manager, they were informed that Long was doing quite well, but was in the middle of a mandatory 8 hour rest period, and should not be disturbed. The director also mentioned that given Long Shot's remarkable love and lust output, as soon as the 48 hours was up,  she was to be given the 'Key to Jackie's Holes' in addition to being invited to return at any time as an honered guest.

On leaving the brothel, Near collided with a light blue changeling, knocking them both to the ground. "Pardon me," Said the changeling as he stood up, "You wouldn't happen to be"-he looked down at a paper floating in his magic-"Miss Near Miss, would you?"

"Yup that's me," Near answered. 

"Excellent, Mayor Ner would like to see you in her office as soon as possible," The changeling announced.

Near glanced at Spleens before shrugging, "Ok, lead on." 

When they arrived at the mayor's office, Mayor Ner immediately beckened them in, "Near Miss, I'm glad you came, we have something I would like to warn you about. This morning, the body of a pegasus was found by one of the ponies working at a nearby archeological dig. The pegasus had been nearly completely drained of love. Based on this, we believe there is one or more rogue changelings operating in the area. I've called you here to warn you to be extremely careful, and not to go anywhere alone."

"She won't be alone," Spleens told the mayor, "She invited me to travel with her, so we can watch each other's backs."

"Excellent!" Mayor Ner said, "Still, stay alert, and if you see something, say something. On an unrelated note, your friend staying at the brothel is most remarkable in both her love/lust output, and also her sexual appetite. She is putting out so much, that we've had to invite random resident changelings in just to soak up the excess!" 


After thanking the mayor for her warning, Near and Spleens slowly made their way back to Spleens' house, where they proceeded to carefully laze the rest of the day away, with Near reading a Daring Do book, while Spleens read an almost painfully sappy romance novel.

The next day, Near and Spleens walked into the brothel a bit after one. Inside they found Long Shot, freshly showered and chatting with someling in a back room. "Are you finished with your heat?" Near asked once Long noticed them.

"I should hope so," Long said, before flying over to Near and landing on her back. "Otherwise I've rendered myself unable to walk normally for no reason. Either way, let's go get us an artifact."

After retrieving the tickler from the mayor's secretary, Near, Long, and Spleens headed to the caravan. "I hope you don't mind but I've asked Spleens to join us on our travels, and she accepted," Near told Long.

"The way I see it, the more of us there are, the less often I have to pull the caravan," Long replied, "Besides, you never know when having a changeling with you will come in handy."

At this point Spleens spoke up, "Is it alright if I bring some books with me?" Long shrugged and Near nodded. "Cool, I'll meet you at the caravan in a bit."

As Near walked on, Long started to talk about her experience in the brothel. "So apparently they have had a fair bit of practice with mare holes, but they don't know all that much about butt stuff. Like, did you know that if a tentacle goes all the way through you it brings stuff with it? 'Cause I found out the hard way that if it goes in at your butt, some poo comes out of your mouth. So take my advice, and always have it go in through your mouth first to clean out everything in the right direction."

By this point, they had arrived at the caravan, so Near bucked Long off of her back, and sat down wide eyed, at an utter loss as to how one should respond to such a statement.
> Chapter 21
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

By the time Spleens arrived at the caravan, Near just managed to pick her jaw off the ground when she realized something. "Spleens, do changelings just eat emotions, or do you need food and water too?" She asked.

"Well," Spleens began, "To just survive we need emotions and water, but to make any of the changeling goops, I'd need to eat something. That said, most changelings like food, even if we don't get much out of it beyond flavor and goop if we need it. I've found that I really like spicy food."

"So are we gonna need to bang for you to get love, or what?" Long Shot said, still lying on her back where Near had left her.

"Um, I mean," Spleens sputtered, "That would work, but most changelings just hug while thinking about how much they appreciate each other."

Near let out a sigh of relief, very glad about that particular awkwardness bomb being defused. With a flick of her horn, she brought out their map and spread it out on the ground. "Ok, so we're here," She explained pointing with her hoof, "And this is Ponyville, about 1400 kilotrots away. The route there is pretty straightforward except for here," Near pointed at a branching of the route, where it split for a while before rejoining. "We'll have to decide whether to take the northern route along Gallifrey Gorge, or the southern route through Wren's Anomaly. The Gallifrey Gorge route overlooks the Gallifrey ruins, ancient ruins of a pre-equestrian civilization, and the route itself is supposedly narrow and treacherous. The southern route goes straight through the center of Wren's Anomaly, a place where magic doesn't work for some reason, and it's not just unicorn magic, pegasus, earth pony, and even changeling magic all get weaker as you approach the anomaly, and magic stops working altogether about a dozen kilotrots from the center of the anomaly. That said, we have several hundred kilotrots before we get to the fork in the road, so we don't have to decide right now."

"Either way," said Long as she rolled onto her belly, "We should get going if we want to make any progress today." With that, the bat pone flew onto the roof of the caravan, where she promptly slid down to her belly, hind legs dangling on either side of the rooftop and front legs hanging off the front of the roof, pulling her trademark sunglasses out of nowhere as she settled into her perch. Meanwhile Near had shown Spleens how the caravan's harness worked, and once she was hooked up, the three of them were off.


It was around three hours later when Long spotted several contrails in tight formation just above the horizon ahead of them. A minute or so later, when it was obvious that the four contrails were headed right for them, Long announced, "Girls, we've got company."

Near and Spleens looked up from their conversation just in time to see the formation landing in front of the caravan. Once they had landed, the flight leader, a yellow mare with flaming orange hair, stepped forward. "Excuse me, we've been tasked with investigating possible rogue changelings in the area. Do any of you know of any rogue changelings in the area?"

Near raised a hoof before answering, "We just left Jackie's Holes, and the mayor there warned us about a rogue changeling attack nearby. Mayor Ner would be able to give you the rest of the details."

"Thank you very much," The lead wonderbolt told Near before addressing her flight, "Well, you heard the mare, we need to be in Jackie's Holes on the double."

Near face-hoofed as the wonderbolts took off.
> Chapter 22
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The rest of the day was uneventful, and as the sun went down, Spleens pulled the caravan off the road onto a small flat topped hill. As Near Miss prepared that night's dinner, Long took to the sky to survey their surroundings. After she had determined that their campsite was safe and that they were alone, Long slowly glided to a landing in front of a somewhat nervous looking Spleens. "You ok there buddy?" Long asked as she sat on her haunches.

"Huh?" Spleens muttered before noticing Long sitting next to her, "Yeah I'm fine, it's just that this is the first time I've ever been away from other changelings, and I'm trying to figure out the least awkward way to ask to feed on some emotions."

"Oh ok, I gotcha," Long said before pouncing on Spleens, locking her in a four legged and two winged hug. "Spleens, I really appreciate how much you've already helped Me and Near, [sic] and how you are just the sweetest, cutest bug-horse I've ever met." As Long made each point, she gave an extra little squeeze. Once she had finished speaking though, her thoughts drifted to the last changeling she was this close to, and the way she had appreciated that.

"Thanks Long," Spleens said, pushing away as she started tasting large amounts of lust emanating from the thestral, "I think I'm good for now."

After a final quick squeeze, Long backed off, "Well just remember, all you have to do is ask," she said as Near trotted over carrying three medium sized bowls and a fourth larger bowl.

"Who wants some spicy mixed veggie curry?" Near asked as she set one bowl of curry in front of each of them, and placed the larger bowl of rice in the middle. Long Shot, hungry from having done nothing since noon, practically threw several spoonfuls of rice into her bowl before attacking her dinner in a most impressive display of thestral dining manners. Spleens, on the other hand, was far more polite, waiting for Long and Near to serve themselves first, before she spooned some rice into her own bowl, making sure there was plenty left for her pony companions. Near ate at a relaxed pace, as she had already eaten some while cooking. 

As Near and Spleens took their first bites, Long slammed her now empty bowl on the ground before announcing, "That was great, is there any more?"

Near, her mouth full, just pointed at the gently simmering pot still sitting on their two burner camping stove. As Long went to refill her bowl, Spleens told Near, "Near, this is really good. Also," She looked down at her bowl, "Thanks for making enough for me to have some too. I know I don't need it to survive, but it's really nice to be included anyway."

"I had guessed as much, and since I was already making enough for bat-butt, making a bit more was not a problem, especially for such a sweet changeling," Near said before giving Spleens a brief hug, but the moment was somewhat ruined by Long choosing said moment to release a loud and long fart. The moment was ruined entirely when said fart collided with the still burning stove, becoming a column of flame leading to a most unfortunate place on an already sore lunar pegasus. Luckily for Long, Near was quick with her fire extinguishing spell, so only the very end of Long's tail was burnt. 

Spleens did not find the incident funny at all, and definitely did not have to hold a hoof to her mouth to keep herself from laughing.
> Chapter 23
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

As they were finishing cleaning up after dinner, Long called out, "Hey guys, check this out." Spleens and Near quickly converged on the grey mare who was standing over a large map. The map was about one trot on each side, and showed all of Equestria, and a fair chunk of the surrounding countries too. In the center of the map was the Badlands, with a gently blinking dot on one of the roads. 

Near looked over the map for a minute or so before turning to Long. "Where did this come from?"

"I have no idea," Long answered, "I was putting the stove away and it fell out."

"Well, it's a heavily enchanted map," Explained Near, "That dot will always show where we are, and if I'm right, I think it can do other things too." Near looked back at the map, "Map, zoom in." Over the span of a quarter second, all the ink on the map faded away completely before reappearing just as fast, only this time, the map had zoomed in by a factor of two. "These are usually pretty expensive, so I doubt somepony just lost it. I'm thinking that Starlight Glimmer put it in with our stuff just before we left. It can show you a map or diagram of almost anything, go ahead, give it a try."

Spleens leaned forward and said, "Map please show me a map of our caravan," and, after changing, the map showed their caravan, including all the storage compartments labeled with what was in them, even showing where Long Shot had hidden her dildo.

Never to be outdone, Long said, "Map, show me a diagram of Princess Twilight."

The map changed to show a well labeled drawing of Twilight Sparkle as seen from the side. Various anatomical features were labeled, both external and internal, including some very private features. The diagram only lasted a moment before fading out to be replaced by text: 

Glim Glam, 

Do we need to have a talk about privacy and consent?

Twiggles

P.S. Besides, aren't you still dating Trixie?

As soon as she had read it, Near almost shouted, "Map, show me the Badlands!" The instant she saw the map's change, Near  folded it up before storing it inside the caravan. 

By this point it had become very cold outside, so the three of them quickly piled into the caravan. As soon as she got inside, Near lit up her horn to get her new space heater going. It was a fuzed quartz cube, thirty centitrots on a side, containing a silvery metallic liquid. The entire thing was suspended in a wire cage slightly larger than the glass cube so that they weren't touching, but rather the glass was connected to the cage by a wire at each corner. As Long and Spleens watched, the silvery liquid started to glow, first a dim red, but it brightened quickly to a warm yellow.

"Woah," Long said, "Is that Mercury?"

"No," Near chuckled, "I wouldn't keep something that dangerous around, this is just NaK. I used induction heating to get it nice and hot, so now it'll slowly release that heat all night."

The other two, not really understanding what Near had said beyond space heater = warm, both set about getting ready for bed, and soon there were two quadrupeds resting in hammocks, and one hanging from the ceiling, wrapped up in a sleeping bag.
> Chapter 24
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spleens awoke to the sound of pots and pans clattering and muffled swearing coming from outside. Looking around, she saw that it was still dark out, and that both Near and Long were asleep. After a moment of quiet, the noise outside started again. Fully awake now, Spleens got out of her hammock and quietly walked over to Near.

"Near," Spleens said, prodding the unicorn with a hoof, "Wake up. There's something outside going through our stuff."

Near groaned while rolling over to look at Spleens, and after a moment released a groggy "Whaaa?"

"There's something outside going through our stuff," Spleens whispered rapidly as she gestured towards the caravan door.

"Tell 'em to go 'way," Near muttered before dropping her head back onto her pillow.

Realizing she was on her own for this, Spleens turned around to face the door, just standing there for a moment. The thing outside was quiet, so quiet that she started to wonder if she had imagined it, until the door started to rattle. Summoning up her courage, Spleens unlocked the door with her magic just before kicking it open with her front hooves, flaring her wings as she did so. Outside was a disheveled stallion, with long unkempt grey hair, one eye milky white, the other almost pitch black, and clothes so tattered that they were little more than rags. The stallion had barely avoided being hit by the opening door, and now tried to step inside the doorway before his hoof stopped as if it had struck a solid object. His whole body was then roughly thrown away from the caravan by some great force. By this point the now awake Near had managed to fall out of her hammock, and was now trying to extract herself from her sleeping bag.

"What's with all the noise?" Near asked when she finally got herself over to Spleens.

"I heard something going through our stuff outside, and then they were trying to open the door," Spleens explained, "So I kicked the door open, and then he tried to step inside, but then something launched him away from us out into the darkness."

"Woah, slow down," Near said as she used her magic to better illuminate the area outside the doorway, "Did you get a good look at him?"

"Yeah," Spleens said, nodding, "Earth pony stallion, tangled grey mane, ratty clothing, and looked like he was blind in one eye."

"Well, I don't see anypony out there now," Near said as she dropped her illumination spell and closed the door, "Which isn't really surprising, as he probably set off the caravan's magical defences and got his ass launched quite a ways away. We'll be safe inside, so let's go back to sleep and investigate this in the morning."

With a shrug, Spleens slowly made her way back to her hammock and settled back in. 

As Near settled down, she noticed that Long had not so much as stirred during the entire incident, and pondered just what it would take to awaken the thestral in an emergency.
> Chapter 25
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Long Shot woke up to the feeling of magic unwrapping her tail from the rafter. This, in and of itself would normally not be a problem, as Long's wings shot out to catch her. Her wings however, were caught in a sleeping bag, and stayed that way until she freed herself from the bag only after slamming into the floor of the caravan. 

"Good morning sunshine," Near said, before yawning as Long's head popped out of her sleeping bag, "Somepony tried to rob us last night, and for the record, I tried to catch you, but you were flailing around too much."

Sitting on her rump, still draped in sleeping bag, Long rubbed the new bump on her head before muttering, "Tried to rob us?" Once she had taken a moment to process this she sprang upright, ending up nose to nose with Near. "What happened? Did you kerplode them? Is there anything left? Did-" The pegasus was cut off by Near's magic holding her mouth closed.

"Easy there fluffy," Near said before releasing her hold on Long, "Whoever it was managed to activate the caravan's magical defenses and got flung off to Celestia knows where. Right now I think we should search for clues-" Near was interrupted by her stomach rumbling, "and probably make some breakfast while we're at it."

Outside the caravan was a mess. All of their stowed supplies had been pulled out, leafed through, and just dropped wherever. Near sighed as she started making some haycakes while helping Spleens stow away things not needed for breakfast. Meanwhile, Long Shot was sniffing around and quickly found something.

"I smell cheap cologne," She announced, "It's the same one I smelled the first day we were in the Badlands, when we thought we were being watched," and with that she jumped into the air and started surveiling the area. 

After about half an hour, everything was cleaned up and breakfast was ready. Near took a couple of magical pot shots at Long before the formerly grey mare figured out the message and began to descend. Near was somewhat disappointed that she had only managed to land one of the five spells she had shot at Long, but watching the temporary neon pink and black checkerboard pattern on Long Shot made Near feel a bit better.

"There's a thirty trot long trail of flattened shrubbery and grass about half a kilotrot that way," Long said, indicating the direction their intruder had involuntarily traveled, "But whoever it was, they're gone now. Also, this had better not be permanent."

At this point Spleens, who had been observing quietly, spoke up, "So what was it they wanted in the first place? Nothing's missing, but they were definitely looking for something."

"I'm thinking they were after our map," Near responded, "But it's inside the caravan, and they can't get inside unless they are invited in by somepony or someling already allowed inside, and to answer your question, it should wear off in an hour or so."

By this point Spleens, who had politely declined any haycakes, was making puppy dog eyes at Long Shot, who eventually noticed and wrapped the changeling up in a wing hug, still scarfing down haycakes without pause. While being loved and appreciated for being fluffy and delicious haycakes was somewhat unnerving at first, the love and appreciation were both genuine and very filling.
> Chapter 26
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once they had cleaned up from breakfast and got moving, the rest of the morning passed uneventfully, with Long Shot pulling the caravan while idly chatting with Near and Spleens, with Near only occasionally exploding stuff out of boredom. After one particularly loud explosion, Spleens asked, "So with those explosions, are you conjuring explosives or what?"

"Actually," Near answered, "It's mostly just air pressure. I use magic to compress air till it's really hot, then I release it all at once and boom, you have a little explosion," as she spoke, she slowly went through the steps so that they were easy to see, and then at the end she went back to her normal speed, which was so quick that the explosion just seemed to appear out of thin air. "That said, I can summon both chemical explosives, or even the much more effective and dangerous magical explosion made of raw mana."

"Neat," Long declared, pulling off the road as she did, "Well this seems as good a time as any to stop for lunch." After detaching herself from the caravan, she launched herself into the air with a quick "back in a bit."

"So, what do you want for lunch?" Near asked Spleens as they watched Long gain altitude. 

"Well I've got a taste for-" Spleens was cut off abruptly when Long appeared between them, having landed fast and hard enough to leave fetlock deep imprints in the soft ground.

"We got a problem," Long said pointing to the west, "There's a huge storm coming this way. Lots of rain and it's coming in fast. We shouldn't be at the bottom of a valley when it gets here." 

Spleens pointed at a nearby hilltop, "That hill has a flat spot near the top and a vertical bit that we could hide behind, that might work."

Near hooked herself up to the caravan and with Long and Spleens pushing from behind, they were able to get the caravan to the flat spot before it started raining, although by this point, the sky was becoming menacingly dark. Freeing herself from the harness, Near ran to an as yet unopened compartment of caravan storage, and pulled out a bundle of sturdy looking metal stakes, several lengths of rope, and a large tarp. Magicking them over to Long and Spleens, she quickly said, "Can you two set up the stakes and attach them on that side?" Without waiting for a response, Near ran to a second storage compartment, and pulled out four pitons, four lengths of rope, and eight carabiners. 

As Long and Spleens got to work with the stakes, Near used her magic to attach four carabiners to her side of the caravan, and then tied a rope to each of them. Turning to face the vertical rock face that was a trot away from the caravan, Near saw to her dismay that the rock was a single, uninterrupted and unfractured slab. Thinking quickly, she produced a series of progressively larger explosions right at the surface of the rock, hoping to create the needed crack that way, but no cracks appeared. Scowling, she made a much larger explosion that only managed to blow out one of the caravan's windows. She was about to release an even larger explosion when she felt Long's hoof on her side. Looking at the thestral, Near saw her pointing at the bottom of the rock wall, where it joined the flat bit they were standing, and where a nice horizontal crack ran. Near resisted the urge to facehoof and instead quickly pounded the four pitons in along the crack, and attached roped carabiners to each one. After making sure the ropes were tight, she used her magic to unfold a tarp, which she had Long Shot attach slightly above the rock wall and at the edges of the shelf they were on. With that the three of them went into the caravan to wait out the storm.
> Chapter 27
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

As the first raindrops fell on the tarp, Near made her way into the caravan behind the others, and repaired the broken window with a simple spell after which she just slid down to the caravan floor. When her barrel hit the floor, Near was surprised to find herself farting loudly enough that her traveling companions had no trouble identifying the culprit. Long Shot flapped her wings a few times to clear the air, but in the confined space of the caravan, it just made things worse. Quickly evaluating her options, Long exited the caravan as fast as she could, and was closely followed by Near. Spleens just transformed herself into Spleens-without-a-nose, and was thus unaffected.

Outside, under the tarp, Long Shot was aghast at having almost been gassed, telling Near, "I didn't think unicorns farted at all, and then you go getting so winded that you break wind more dangerous than the wind outside... I hope you know this means war."

"What?"

"A fart war," Long Shot explained, "In which we each try to trick the other into smelling our farts. The rules are simple, no physical or magical force, just trickery and wit."

"That sounds so dumb," Near replied, "I'm in."

Near Miss and Long Shot formally opened hostilities with a firm hoof bump. So firm in fact, that Long's sunglasses fell from the top of her head where she had left them, bouncing past Near and out from under the tarp. "I got 'em," Near said, giving chase.

"Wait!" Long called out as she followed Near out of the tarp, "What about the danger of flash-" Long stopped mid sentence when she saw a rain soaked, but otherwise fine Near standing around ten trots downhill next to the coils of extra rope, wearing Long's sunglasses and waving. "Oh, nevermind I gue-" Long stopped short again as a wall of water appeared from higher up in the valley and swept Near Miss away.

"Near! No!" Long shouted, unable to see any sigh of her friend in the roaring water.
> Chapter 28
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"What's with all the yelling," Spleens asked as she stuck head out from under the tarp.

"Near got swept away by the flash flood," Long cried. Spleens hugged Long and pulled her back to the caravan, pushing the thestral in first. When Long looked inside the caravan, she found herself face to face with a soaking wet, dark pink tail held above a blue ponut. Before Long could process this, the ponut farted right into Long's gaping mouth.

"Did ya miss me?"


"Well, when the water hit me that extra rope we left coiled down there wrapped around my left forehoof and once all the coils were paid out, the rope pulled me to the edge of the water, so I telepoofed back into the caravan and waited for you to come back in," Near explained after Long and Spleens had stopped hugging her. "I mean, did you forget what my cutie Mark is for?"

"A bit, yeah," Admitted Long, "But now what? Are we gonna be safe from flash floods up here?"

"Probably? I don't know," Answered Near, "But we should probably figure out something for lunch."

Lunch ended up being a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for Near, a peanut butter and peanut butter sandwich for Long, and Spleens just ended up getting hugged by two ponies, one thinking about how much she appreciates Spleens, and one thinking about how nice and gooey and peanut buttery Spleens was. Once they were finished eating, all three went outside to assess their situation.

"Well now what?" Asked Spleens once it was clear that everything was still secure.

"Monopony anyone?" Long asked, holding up the box.

Four hours later, Long Shot flipped the game board, scattering the pieces across the caravan. "I don't get it, how did you manage to so totally beat both of us twice in a row, especially with Long and I working together against you for the second game?" Near asked Spleens.

"This game just makes sense to me," Spleens explained, "It's like there's an obvious path to take, but I can only see one step at a time."

There was a loud crash of thunder, and Long peered out the window at the billowing tarp. This storm unsettled her. It wasn't the size of the storm or the frequent lightning and thunder that bothered her, but something else. The storm seemed... wrong, unnatural somehow.

"This storm is really starting to creep me out," Long told the others.

"I thought pegasai weren't afraid of lightning and thunder," Near said.

"Most aren't, including me. Something's wrong with this storm. Like somepony is controlling it."

"Aren't pegasai supposed to control storms?"

"Not like this," Long said before sighing, "Normally we just set up the storm and give it little nudges if it goes off course. This storm is too purposeful... I don't know."

At that moment, Spleens entered the caravan holding a new game box, "Ok, next game is risk, that sounds nice and calming.
> Chapter 29
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

After several hours, this time it was Near Miss who not only flipped the board, but stuffed all the pieces, the board, and the box the game came in into a small ball of magic before telepoofing it as far away as she could. 

"Maybe that's enough board games for today," Spleens said, answered by the nods of her companions.

"It sounds like the rain calmed down a bit, so I'm gonna go take a look outside," Long announced. With the others following her, she made her way outside, and out from under the now slack tarp.

The sun was low on the horizon over a much changed landscape. Whereas that morning the Badlands had been a dry place, now it was anything but. At the bottom of each valley ran a small river, and everywhere else not covered by grass or shrubbery had turned into what looked like mountains of mud. Spleens prodded some of the mud next to the Rocky shelf they had set the caravan upon, only for her hoof to sink in beyond the fetlock, requiring her to fly herself out, lest she get more hooves sunk in deeper. As Spleens extracted herself, Near used her magic to put away the tarp, and the metal stakes that had held it in place.

"Something tells me," Long Shot said, shaking some mud from a hoof, "We're not going to get very far until everything dries a bit."

The rest of the evening was rather uneventful, and after a hearty meal of boxed macaroni and cheese, which Long had insisted on preparing for some reason, the three friends settled down to bed.


The next morning, Near awoke to an empty caravan and a full bladder. After stumbling out of the caravan and making her way to the stone wall behind it, Near sprayed down the rock wall as she was treated to the sight of Long Shot practicing her dive bombing on a bullseye drawn on a nearby hilltop. Near got quite a chuckle out of thinking of Long's projectiles as pegasus bombs, before making a careful mental note to not step onto that particular hill. Once she was done relieving herself, and had also finished marveling at the accuracy with which Long had relieved herself, Near made her way around the caravan to find Spleens had already started making haycakes. 

As Near and Long appeared in front of her, Spleens looked to the lunar pegasus, "Oh Long, what great timing, could I bother you for some milk for our haycakes?"

"Sure," Long said as Near raised an eyebrow, "Go for it."

"So that's where our fresh milk's been coming from," Near said as she watched Spleens milk Long Shot with magic. Spleens was being very careful to only catch the teat milk, and not the 'mare milk' that Long was also starting to produce. Soon Spleens had what she needed, and released Long from her magic, at which point the thestral slid to the ground with a dopey smile.

"I'm guessing you get a nice meal from Long every time you do that," Near said to Spleens, ignoring the pegasus on the ground between them for a moment.

"Yup," Spleens answered, already whisking the milk into the haycake batter. "She's especially generous with her emotions when she's getting what she wants."

"Do you think there's enough left to make some butter? Haycakes just aren't the same without butter," Near said as she observed the gently twitching pony before her.

"Dunno, you'd have to ask her."

"Long Shot?" Near asked, gently prodding her friend's foreleg, "Can you hear hear me?"

Long Shot, finally coming out of her orgasmic stupor, looked up at Near for a moment before declaring, "That milking spell you cast on me is awesome. I've been creaming myself every time I get milked. How long will it last?"

"Well," Near said, "It should stay arousing like that as long as you keep lactating, and that should keep going as long as you keep getting milked. On a related note, can I take some milk to make some butter for our haycakes?"

Long Shot rolled onto her back before gently prodding her crotchtits with a hoof. She looked up at Near, "Well, there seems to be plenty left, so I'll allow it, but only if you milk them dry. I don't want this to stop any time soon."
> Chapter 30
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once they had finished eating their lovely buttered haycakes, Near, Long and Spleens took stock of their situation. They were atop a mountain of mud in the middle of a mountain range of mud, and though it would probably dry up in few days, until then they had to decide what to do with themselves.

"Well," Near said, "The way I see it, we have several options. The easiest would be to just wait here until the ground dries out enough for us to travel on it normally again. We could just drag the caravan through the mud anyway, but that sounds hard. Finally we could try to fly or telepoof the caravan from hilltop to hilltop while we wait for everything to dry out. What do you two think?"

"If we wait till everything dries out, what would we do while we wait?" Spleens asked.

"Dunno," Near answered, "Lose to you at board games and give Long wing massage's 'til she can see through time?"

"While I am totally fine with that second part," Long commented, "We might go nuts before the ground dries. Maybe we should try moving the caravan a hill or two and see how hard it actually is."

"Works for me," said Near, "Just so you know, telepoofing something that big is pretty hard. I can do it, but I'm not sure how many times it would take to exhaust myself. Can you two carry the caravan while flying?"

Long and Spleens both shrugged before flying over to the caravan, one on each end, and trying to lift it. Although they managed to lift it a trot or two into the air, they immediately put it back down. "No joy," said Long as she folded her wings, "It's just too heavy."

Looking at the surrounding hilltops, Near spotted another rocky platform on a hill roughly in the direction they wanted to go. "Could one of you fly me over to that hill?" Near asked, "It's a lot easier to telepoof something to you than away from you."

With a shrug Long Shot proceeded to airlift Near to her requested hill, with Spleens buzzing along close behind. After she was set down, Near began charging her horn to try to move the caravan over a kilotrot to this new hill. "Stand back girls, here it comes."

With a bright flash of light, the caravan appeared in front of them, initially around a quarter trot in the air before falling to settle back on its wheels. As the caravan settled, Near swayed side to side, gasping for air before Spleens jumped in front of her saying, "Woah, you ok there? Maybe you should sit down for a bit." 

Near nodded before dropping her rump to the ground, still huffing and puffing. "I don't get it. How did Starlight Glimmer make it look so easy? She moved the caravan all the way from Ponyville to Canterlot without breaking a sweat."

"So," said Long, also sitting down, "I guess telepoofing our way out of here is a no go, and I believe our other options were pulling the caravan through the mud, or poking my wing roots 'til I could see through time, right?"

Spleens rolled her eyes before levitating a large cushion over from the caravan and getting to work on Long's wings, "You're lucky you're delicious."
> Chapter 31
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hey Spleens, do you know anything about making cheese?" Near asked as Spleens finished milking Long Shot.

"No," Spleens replied as she moved the pegasus milk to the caravan's magical refrigerator, "Why do you ask?"

"No reason," Near said before prodding Long, "Long, honey? I don't think this whole fart war thing is working out very well. I think we should just drop it, or escalate to a full on prank war. I'm fine with either, what do you think?" 

Long looked up at Near and slowly got to her hooves, "I'm down for a prank war, so long as farts are still valid ammunition."

"Of course farts still count," Near said as she enveloped Long's wings with her magic, "Let the games begin then."

By this point Long, still sensitive from earlier, had already almost blacked out again and would have collapsed if not for Near's magic holding her up. The last thing Long saw before blacking out was Near uncapping a magic marker.


After finishing her penwork, Near gently set Long down before trotting over to Spleens who was looking at their enchanted map. "You got it to show you where the mud is impassable, clever," the unicorn said as she looked over her friend's shoulder.

"Yeah," sighed Spleens, "I was hoping there might be some route through the mud we could take instead of just waiting around, but there isn't one."

"Oh well, I guess it can't be helped," Near said, "Question: are you getting enough to eat from Long alone now?"

"Long is giving me enough to keep me from starving, but I certainly wouldn't say no to a nice hug from you." Spleens had barely finished speaking when Near pulled her into a hug and Spleens thoroughly enjoyed the complete lack of any awkward sexual feelings emanating from the unicorn. As nice as lust was, and it was very tasty, platonic friendship and appreciation were emotional staples that no changeling should ever turn down.

By the time the hug was over, Long was standing again. "I'm going for a fly, holler if you need anything," she said, her drawn on monocle and moustache somehow making her seem simultaneously more sophisticated and too silly to be taken seriously. Holding back their giggles, Near and Spleens just nodded before watching Long take to the sky.

"So now what?" Near thought out loud.

"Don't know about you, but a nap sounds great right now," said Spleens, and Near, still tired from moving the caravan, agreed and followed Spleens into the caravan.

Long Shot was in no hurry as she rode the thermals up to one kilotrot, using the lazy elevator of the sky to do all the work for her. As she soared, Long considered how oddly fresh her wings felt, after that massage they felt better than new, even when Long pushed them further than she normally would. Long's thoughts shifted to the other matter on hoof, the prank war.

Long Shot knew she was at a disadvantage as Near merely had to get to her wing roots with magic or hoof to incapacitate Long, which meant that Long would have to get creative and maybe even plan ahead. Being an experienced prankster, Long had had the foresight to bring a few useful items with her, carefully stored in her saddlebags which themselves were with the rest of her belongings in her private storage compartment under the caravan. 

As Long slowly descended, she carefully planned out her next move. Upon landing, the thestral found no trace of her companions outside, and based on the snoring coming from inside the caravan, she concluded they were napping. Deciding to put her plan into action a bit earlier than expected, she dug through her saddlebags until she found a small bottle of blue liquid which she then carried quietly into the caravan.
> Chapter 32
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spleens and Long Shot awoke to a shrill scream coming from Near Miss. "What's going on?" Spleens asked, still mostly asleep. 

"My bits have bailed!" Cried Near Miss.

Slowly waking up, all Spleens managed to issue was a "wut?"

Near turned around and flipped her tail up onto her back. Beneath her dock was just smooth skin, like on a doll.  

Long Shot dropped from her crossbeam and proceeded to laugh her ass off. 

"So it's not supposed to look like that?" Spleens asked.

"No!" Near exclaimed as she grabbed Long Shot with her magic, turning the bat pony around to show Spleens, "This is what it's supposed to look like, minus the butt plug."

"Hey, careful with the tail, don't go starting something you're not ready to finish," Long complained as she pulled her tail out of Near's magic and turned to face the others.

"So," Spleens started, "What happened?"

"That's a good question," Near said, "Long Shot, why am I missing orifices?"

Long burst into laughter again, "Because I put poison joke on you!"

"Well that explains why I'm horny now too," Near said with a groan, "There's no way to get the cure out here in the Badlands, and I can't just hold my pee until we reach somewhere with medical supplies."

"Relax," Long said, "Even without the cure, the effects only last a week tops, and as for using the bathroom, things with poison joke tend to just work themselves out."

With that, Near left the caravan, chose a spot and tried to pee. Much to her surprise, it worked, and as she looked under her barrel, she saw that the urine stream was just appearing out of thin air a few centitrots from where her urethra used to be. Assuming that number 2 would also work, Near trotted back into the caravan.

"So the bathroom thing doesn't seem like it will be a problem, but that still leaves me without genitalia and horny," Near declared as she entered the caravan.

"Just massage your own wing roots," Long Shot suggested, "That should do the trick."

Near looked down her barrel only to find her boobs were gone too. "ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?" Near shouted at her belly before stomping her way outside, her tail twitching angrily. "I'mma go blow stuff up."

As they listened to a seemingly unending string of explosions outside, Long looked over to Spleens, "Do you think I went too far with this one?"

"Well-" Spleens was interrupted by a particularly loud explosion, "Maybe a bit. You should seriously consider apologizing when she comes back."
> Chapter 33
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Outside, Long Shot saw Near had settled into exploding the same nearby hilltop over and over again. How that particular hill might have offended Near was anypony's guess, although if she had to bet, Long would have gone with 'it existing' as the main reason. After several minutes and a now much shorter nearby hilltop, Near abruptly stopped making explosions and sat down.

"I'm real sorry Near," Spleens said, "I didn't think the poison joke would do anything like that to you, I just figured it would make you wet the bed or something."

"The thing about poison joke," Near replied, "is that if it can prank more than one pony just by changing its effects, it will." Looking to the setting sun, she added, "Time to start on dinner, don't you think?"

Long pondered the sunset for a moment before responding, "Yeah, I guess. Would you ple-" she stopped talking once she turned around and found out that she would be preparing dinner solo. "That's fair I guess," she thought as she got to work.


The next morning Near Miss was the first one up, and once she was done watering the mud, she ventured down the hill they were on to find the mud had dried somewhat, and what wasn't dry had frozen firmly enough to start traveling again. Excited at the prospect of movement, Near ran back to the caravan.

"Guys!" She called out after slamming the caravan door open, "The mud froze overnight! We can start moving again!" 

Spleens was up in a flash, sprinting to the valley floor where she proceeded to dance on the frozen ground. Even Long Shot was up and out of the caravan in a record minute and a half to prod at the ground sleepily with a hoof.

By the time the novelty of solid ground had worn off somewhat, Near had already started on breakfast, hay bacon with hay bacon garnish and a side of hay bacon. While they waited, Spleens gently milked Long Shot, who softly mewled as she laid on her back, hind legs twitching occasionally. By the time the hay bacon was ready, there were three glasses of lunar pegasus milk waiting for them along with an almost conscious lunar pegasus.

"Is the road we were using still there?" Spleens asked between bites.

"Yup!" Near answered pointing to the road around two hundred trots away, "and it seems pretty level too."

After coming to her senses, Long Shot had scarfed down her breakfast, and barely paused to thank Near for cooking before she took flight to survey the area. The sky was clear and bright as she gained altitude, eventually leveling off at around a kilotrot. From up there, she could see what looked like the end of the Badlands in the distance, where the light brown dirt faded into a grassy green.  Finally feeling alert and fully awake, Long slowly glided her way back down.

Near and Spleens had finished eating and were looking over the map by the time Long rejoined them. "We're going to have to deal with this series of deep gorges over the next few days, but it seems like most of them have bridges so it shouldn't be too difficult. It looks like the gorges start just after we leave the Badlands, which should happen either late today or early tomorrow." Near finished her milk before continuing, "So are you two ready to finally get moving again?"
> Chapter 34
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The rest of the day was uneventful as Spleens and Near chatted idly while Spleens pulled the caravan. Long Shot spent most of the day napping on a cloud, pulled along by a rope tied to the caravan, occasionally getting up for a brief flight to survey their surroundings. As the day wore on, gradually the sandstone hills and valleys of the Badlands were replaced by gently undulating grass. By the time they stopped for dinner, it was clear that the Badlands were now behind them. 

"But seriously," Long Shot said as she sat atop the park bench they had stopped next to, "If you had to?"

"If I had to, I guess I'd give up my horn," answered Spleens, "Wings are just too useful."

"Ha!" Long almost shouted as she jumped into the air to hover gently next to Spleens, "Called it."

"Called what?" Near asked as she came around the caravan carrying the stove and other cooking gear with her magic.

Spleens took the stove and started assembling it with her magic. "She's on about the horn or wings thing again."

"Magic is pretty useful," Near said as she put the rest of the cooking gear down, "I mean, have you ever seen an earth pony parent changing a foal's diaper with just their mouth? No thank you, I'll stick to my horn."

"Ugh," Spleens visibly shuddered at the mental image, "Nevermind, I'm sticking with magic."

Wanting to change the subject so she wouldn't have to admit defeat, Long Shot asked Near, "So what are we having for dinner?"

"Well, tonight I was thinking about making spicy ramane noodle soup, does that work for you guys?"

Long Shot didn't bother responding given how enthusiastically Spleens nodded her head.


*Later that night*


Near woke suddenly, although she wasn't immediately sure why. Looking around quietly, she saw that both Long Shot and Spleens were still sleeping peacefully, and that nothing inside the caravan seemed awry. After carefully charging her horn, Near Miss telepoofed herself outside, about twenty trots away from the caravan.

Near looked around the caravan, but saw nothing unusual. After a few minutes of silently snooping around, she concluded that there was nopony around. Deciding that it must have been her imagination Near quietly made her way back to bed.


The next time Near woke up, it was morning, and she was alone inside the caravan. As she stumbled her way outside, she nearly collided with Spleens at the door. "Oh, you're awake" the changeling said as she turned around to let Near past, "Your haycakes are getting cold and I was starting to worry about you."

"So she is alive," Long Shot said from her perch  atop The caravan roof, "I was about ready to start claiming your things."

"Don't be so quick to declare me still among the living," Near said as she made her way over to her breakfast, "It could very well be that I am dead, but the message hasn't reached my brain yet."

After a few minutes of stuffing her face, Near felt awake enough to actually talk, "So the weirdest thing happened last night. I woke up suddenly and I wasn't sure why, nothing was amiss, not even outside."

Long Shot rolled her eyes, "We know about you going outside, you're not exactly a stealth telepoofer. Although I figured you just had to pee super bad or something."

"Oh, sorry," Near apologized, "I was trying to be quiet, but I forgot how loud unsuppressed telepoofing can be."

"It's ok," Spleens reassured her before pausing a moment to think, "I wonder if you were woken by the same old pony that woke me up a few nights ago."

"Could be that we've still got ourselves a stalker."
> Chapter 35
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"If we've got a stalker, I think we should set a trap and try to catch 'em," Long Shot announced as she pounded a hoof onto the picnic table they were sitting at.

"And what do we do if we do catch them?" Asked Near Miss as she used her magic to clean up, "Do we tie them up and drag them over a hundred kilotrots to the nearest town? Lecture them and let them go? Cause I don't think either of those would work, and I don't wanna kill anypony unless we absolutely have to."

"Oh," Long said, deflating somewhat, "I'm sorry, you're right."

After letting out a little sigh, Near apologized too, "I'm sorry too, that was way too harsh, and you were only trying to help. Spleens, you've been quiet, what do you think we should do?"

"Do we really need to do anything?" She asked, "I mean, they don't seem like they want to hurt us or anything. Maybe they need something from us, or maybe they need our help but just don't know how to ask."

"That could be true, I guess," Long said slowly, "So we're just doing nothing for now?"

"I didn't mean that," Spleens replied, "I think we should all be extra careful and observant 'til we find out what's going on."

"That seems like as good a plan as any," Near said as she finished cleaning up. Snapping the last of the storage compartments closed, she asked, "So who's turn is it to pull?"


Flicking her tail absentmindedly as she pulled the caravan, Near Miss studied their map. She had been hoping that the enchanted map would reveal some kind of shortcut, but the map floating in her magic before her disagreed, and was quite explicit; they would have to cross a series gorges and then decide between going through Wren's Anomaly or traveling along Gallifrey Gorge. After telling her companions as much, she asked for their thoughts.

"To be honest, I'm not surprised, cause if there was a better route it'd be on even the normal maps," answered Long Shot.

"How long till we get to the gorges?" Asked Spleens.

"We should be there sometime tomorrow, but I have no idea how long it will take to get past them," Near answered as she put away the map, "It really depends on where the bridges are and what kinda shape they're in."

"Hopefully they'll be bridge shaped, or we're going to have problems," Spleens said.
> Chapter 36
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Long Shot was having a blast.  She was competing in every event at the Equestria games and it was going great. She had already won the gold medal in ice archery, despite not knowing anything about archery, and was now waiting for the results of the fart race, in which her wings had been tied down, a flat wooden wing was attached to her back, and she had then propelled herself into the air using farts as her only means of propulsion. Long was not disappointed to find out that not only had she won, but that she had also shattered the longest fart record with her 117 second butt blast. Now it was time for her favorite event, but as she made her way to the competition area, Long spotted a group of ponies in the crowd cheering for her, with her parents at the front holding up a large sign that read:

Get Fucked Long Shot

And her parents were cheering the loudest of all. 

Her favorite event was, of course, the sex contest, in which the competitors tried to out last and out fuck each other, with judges awarding points for style, technique and presentation and assigning penalties for things like finishing before one's partner(s). 

Focusing on the matter at hand, Long jumped up onto the bed and eyed her competition. Being such an experienced competitor, Long Shot had a +3 handicap, meaning she would be up against four other competitors at once. She was up against two huge stallions, a male dragon easily three times her height, and a female hippogryph, and decided to deal with the stallions first. As she was lining herself up, the hippogryph started screaming and the sun turned off.

Startled awake, Long Shot dropped from the ceiling just in time to see Spleens tumble out of her hammock, still screaming wordlessly. As Long stood up she saw Spleens curl up into a ball as she started sobbing something along the lines of, "No more! Please stop. I'll do anything, just stop please!"

"Spleens!" Long Drew her friend into a four leg and two winged hug, "You were dreaming, but it's over. I'm here, you're safe, and it's over now."

Finally looking up Spleens flung her forelegs around Long Shot and held on tight for several minutes as she slowly calmed down. Spleens was the one who eventually pulled away from the hug, "Thank you Long Shot," she whispered before shakily climbing back into her hammock. 

Just as Long was about to reattach herself to the ceiling, the caravan door opened quietly and a slightly sweaty Near Miss slinked her way inside, only to come to a sudden stop when she saw both Long Shot and Spleens silently staring at her. "What? My bits are back and I gave 'em a quick test to make sure everything still works." Her friends kept staring at her. "I'm sorry I woke you, I tried to be as quiet as possible, but I just had to be sure everything still works." 

Without a word, Long Shot and Spleens slowly looked away from Near and tried to get back to sleep.
> Chapter 37
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next day, Near Miss was the first to awaken, and had just finished producing a large stack of prench toast when Long Shot and Spleens stumbled their  way outside. After they had sat down without saying a word, Near couldn't take it anymore. "Look, I'm sorry, I didn't think prancing off a hundred trots away from the caravan would wake either of you, I'm really sorry."

At that, Long Shot leaned over and whispered to Near, "While you were out last night, Spleens woke up screaming and I comforted her. Us being awake when you got back had nothing to do with you."

"Well, in that case, who wants prench toast? I even made some with jalapenos for any spicy food loving changelings," Near gestured towards a second pile of prench toast as Spleens visabilly perked up before attacking her food. 

Once they had all finished eating and cleaning up, Near pulled out the map as Long Shot started pulling the caravan. "The first of the gorges is only twenty kilotrots away," Near said, "There are five gorges in total, and they're spaced not more than one kilotrot apart. If the bridges are in good condition, then we might well pass them all today."

Once Long Shot had gotten the caravan moving, Spleens made her way alongside Near and Long, and the three of them began a lively discussion about whether pegasus feathers made pegasai slightly or massively more flammable than earth ponies.


It only took them a few hours to reach the first gorge, where they saw an old stallion blocking a narrow and rickety looking bridge. "Who do ya think he is?" Long Shot asked.

"Well, it's not the old pony from chapter 24," Spleens announced quietly.

"Wut?" Near Miss and Long Shot asked in unison.

"I said, it's not the old pony that scared me before," Spleens said a bit more loudly, "Ya know, the one who tried to break into the caravan? Ugh, nevermind."

Having reached the edge of the gorge, Long Shot detached herself from the caravan and approached the old pony.

"Stop!" The stallion commanded, "He who would cross the bridge of death must answer me these questions three, 'ere the other side ye see."

"What if I get a question wrong?" Long asked.

"Then you are cast into the gorge of eternal peril!" The old pony answered with glee.

"So if this is the bridge of death, then what is that?" Spleens asked, pointing a hoof at a large, well maintained bridge thirty trots to her right.

"That is the bridge of tolls, where travelers must pay three bits to cross," answered the old pony.

"Three bits! Balls to that, I'll take my chances with the bridge of death," Long said as her companions nodded in agreement, "Ask me your questions bridgekeeper, I am not afraid."

"What is your name?"

"I am Long Shot."

"What is your quest?"

"To bring the artifact to Starlight Glimmer AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Long answered before being launched into the gorge of eternal peril.

Near Miss and Spleens gasped and looked at each other before Near stepped forward.

"Stop! He who would cross the bridge of death must answer me these questions three 'ere the other side ye see."

"Ask me your questions," Near demanded.

"What is your name?"

"I am Near Miss."

"What is your quest?"

"To advance the plot," Near said confidently.

"What is the muzzle velocity of a Borfors 40mm AA gun?"

"L/60, or L/70?"

"L/70."

"One thousand, twenty-one trots per second."

"Sounds about right, you may pass," the old pony said as he stepped aside for Near, who crossed the bridge carefully after telepoofing the caravan ahead of her.

Spleens raised a forehoof, "Excuse me mister, you said he who would cross the bridge of death must answer your questions. I'm a girl, do I still have to answer?"

"Guess not, off you go then," the pony said as he moved out of the way.

By the time she got across the bridge, Spleens was surprised to see Long Shot sitting between Near and the caravan. "Long Shot!" She shouted as she ran forward to hug her friend, "I thought you were cast into the gorge of eternal peril!"

"I was, but then I remembered I can fly, so I did that," Long replied, gently pushing Spleens off of her.

"Oh yeah," Spleens said as she buzzed her wings up and down for a moment, "So can I."

"And I can telepoof myself and/or the caravan," Near said.

"So much for needing bridges!" Long Shot exclaimed, "Who wants to eat, I'm starving."

"Lunch sounds pretty good right now," Near said before shouting across the bridge, "Hey! Bridgekeeper! Wanna join us for lunch?"

"K"
> Chapter 38
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

After the bridgekeeper made his way across the bridge, aided by an airlift from a hungry and impatient Long Shot, he introduced himself as Turnstile, a retired toll booth operator. "The problem was that I had gotten too old to handle a fast paced toll booth anymore, but I couldn't just retire completely and twiddle my hooves 'till I died. My darling wife, Scratched Notes, she was the one who came up with the idea for me keeping a bridge,  so now I still get to meet ponies, but I can actually keep up with the work."

"But why the whole bridge of death and gorge of eternal peril thing?" Spleens asked between nibbles on a jalapeno.

He shrugged as he finished his sandwich, "I think it's kinda funny. That said though, I should be getting back to my post, looks like more ponies approaching."

After bidding Turnstile farewell and packing up after lunch, Near Miss, Long Shot, and Spleens got moving again, eager to see the gorges behind them.

The second gorge was just over 500 trots past the first, and had a new looking wooden bridge spanning it which was crossed without trouble or toll. The next two gorges themselves were similarly equipped, although the switchbacks leading down to the third gorge and back up to the fourth were, according to Long Shot, "Worse than King Sombra."

The walk to the fifth gorge was easy enough, but upon reaching it, the three girls released a collective groan. There was a toll bridge, along with pegasus nets to keep ponies from flying across. As they approached the toll booth, Near thought the unicorn asleep at his post inside looked familiar. "Hey Long Shot, is that one of the unicorns we saw being chased by an angry mob a while back?" Near asked quietly.

"What?" Spleens asked.

"It was before we met you," Long explained, "We saw two unicorns fleeing an angry mob, a guardspony following them said they had stolen and then broken something valuable."

"That gives me an idea, what kind of guard was it?" Spleens asked.

"It was a pegasus from the day guard," Long Shot answered.

"A mare," Near added.

Stepping behind the caravan, Spleens transformed into a guard with a brief flash of green light. "Like this?" She asked Near, who had followed her behind the caravan.

Looking her up and down, Near nodded, "Looks about right."

Stepping up to where Long Shot was waiting, Spleens quietly told her traveling companions to follow her lead.

Flying up to the toll booth, Spleens knocked loudly on the glass with her hoof, almost startling the unicorn inside off of his chair. "Do you have a permit for these nets and this booth?"

The unicorn inside stammered briefly before responding, "No ma'am, I mean yes ma'am, it's in the back, I'll go get it."

Near Miss and Long Shot struggled to keep a straight face as the unicorn went to the back of the booth where they heard a brief commotion followed by a minute or so of quiet before the unicorn returned carrying a paper in his magic, which he promptly floated over to Spleens.

In her hoof Spleens held the saddest excuse for a forgery she had ever seen. It was obvious that it had just been written in pencil while the stallion had pretended to look for it. It read:


Permit for these nets and toll booth
Issued to: Flim and Flam
Issued by Nota Fakename


Spleens pretended to spend a moment looking over the 'permit' as she tried and failed to keep a straight face. By the time she looked back up, the unicorn inside the booth was gone.

Stepping back and looking across the bridge, Spleens saw the unicorn and what looked like his twin or something both pulling a hastily loaded cart away from the bridge as fast as they could. Changing back to her normal form, Spleens looked over to her friends before saying, "Well, that was easy."
> Chapter 39
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Near Miss, Long Shot and Spleens spent around half an hour dismantling the Flim Flam Brothers' fake toll booth and pegasus nets before tossing the whole lot down the fifth gorge and continuing on their way. "Of all the ways to scam ponies, why would they choose one that forces them to create a huge static setup that would leave them so vulnerable to discovery?" Long asked.

"We just know that they're scammers, nopony said anything about them being good scammers," Spleens replied as she helped Long Shot into the caravan's harness.

The three of them made several kilotrots of progress, passing into a forest before darkness fell and they stopped for the night at a roadside campsite complete with a fire pit and a picnic table. Once she had detached herself from the caravan's harness, Long trotted over to her friends, "I wanna big fire tonight, I'll be right back."

By the time Long Shot had finished collecting firewood, Near Miss and Spleens had gotten all the cookware out and were trying to decide on what to make. Once she had dumped the firewood into the fire pit, Long landed next to Near and prodded her in the ribs, nodding towards the wood in the fire pit until Near got the message and started the fire with some sparks from her horn. Once the fire was going nicely Long, tired from pulling the caravan all day, curled up next to the fire while she waited for dinner to be cooked.

While Long had been messing with the fire, Near and Spleens had decided on spaghetti for dinner, and were almost done making it when Long Shot jumped to her feet, wings flared and fangs bared, before pouncing into a nearby bush with a loud hiss. After a few seconds of fighting sounds and the bush shaking violently, Near and Spleens heard submissive yowling and saw a pony sized dark feline shape fleeing into the night. 

"Booh Yeah!!" Shouted Long as she emerged from the bush, spitting something out as she shook bits of bush out of her fur. "That's why you don't ambush a Bat Bitch."

By this point, Near and Spleens were both staring at their lunar pegasus friend, mouths agape, understanding little of what had just happened. Near was the first to find her voice, "The hell just happened?"

"I heard something sneaking up on me," Long replied before suddenly flaring her wings out, "So I pounced on it. It turned out to be a panther, presumably trying to eat one or all of us. I didn't really wanna kill it, so I just bit the tip of its ear off and that was enough to make it choose to have something else for dinner."

"But how did you hear it sneaking up on you?" Spleens asked, "Panthers are apex predators."

"I don't know what kind of apex they were hunting," Long replied, eliciting eye rolls from both Near and Spleens, "But they were way too loud to have any chance of sneaking up on a lunar pegasus. I heard them ten trots away, and just waited until they were in striking range."

"Thank you for saving us Long Shot!" Spleens shouted before feeling bathed in Long's delicious ego, of which she happily took her fill.

"Yeah, thanks," Near said less enthusiastically as she paused in her eating, "Food's ready."
> Chapter 40
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning, Near Miss was the last of the three to stumble out of the caravan. It had been bitterly cold the previous night, below -10 Celestigrade, and Near had needed to get up a few times in the night to magically re-heat the liquid metal space heater. Outside, Spleens and Long Shot were waiting for her, the former bright and awake, the latter flatly fixing Near with an unending early-morning-stare.

Spleens had already unfolded their map and was excitedly wagging her thin, membranous tail by the time Near had sat down at the picnic table. "I was looking at the map and saw that in 35 kilotrots, this road passes right by the hive I'm from! Can we stop by so I can say hi to everyling?"

Near looked at Long who just shrugged. "I don't see why not, do you think they would let us spend the night?"

At this Long finally perked up, "If we have somewhere nice and warm to spend the night, then I'd be all for it," she said before looking at Spleens expectantly. 

"I'm not certain, but I don't think it would be too much trouble to find a few spare beds," Spleens answered, suddenly somewhat less sure of herself.

"Good enough for me," Near said before pointing a hoof at Spleens, "It's your turn to pull today anyway."



Several hours later, they finally spotted the hive. Unlike Jackie's Holes, this hive was above ground, and brightly colored changelings could be seen buzzing about every which way, and it wasn't long before two of them, a large dark blue male and a smaller yellow-green female, made their way over to greet the newcomers.

"Spleens? Is that you?" The larger of the two changelings shouted as they approached the weary travelers. 

"Langy!" Spleens called out as she jumped into the air and hug-slammed the approaching changeling, the two of them spinning around a few times before they finally let each other go and landed next to Near and Long.

Spleens flared her wings as she spun around to face Near and Long, "Gals, meet Islets of Langerhans, my best friend from when I was little."

"Spleens, it's been too long, I haven't seen you since the changeling reformation!" Exclaimed Langerhans as he briefly pranced in place before hug tackling Spleens again.

"Langy, these are my friends, Near Miss and Long Shot," Spleens said as she pointed a hoof at her friends in turn.  "We're on a quest to deliver a magical artifact to Princess Twilight Sparkle's first student!"

At this point Near Miss prodded Spleens in the side and whispered into her ear, "Ask them if we can stay the night."

"Oh, Yeah," Spleens responded before facing the two changelings before her. "Do you have an inn or somewhere we could pay to stay the night indoors?"

Islets of Langerhans was about to respond when the green female changeling silenced him with a wing to his snout before proudly striding forward and bowing towards Spleens, "Ma'am, it would be our honor to accommodate you and your friends in anyway we can. Please allow me to introduce myself, I am Captain T. Lymphocytis, or T. Cell, if you like, Captain of the hive guard." She finished before standing back up from her bow.

At this point Langerhans cut in, "We all just call her Tessy, for short."

If looks could kill, Langerhans's children's children (had he ever had any children to start with) would have dropped dead.

Failing the ability to kill via sight, Tessy simply shouted, "Guards!"
> Chapter 41
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Before the guard changelings had even landed, Tessy was already ordering them about, commanding one to inform the hive leader of Spleen's arrival, two more to arrange VIP lodgings, and the rest to form an honor guard to escort Spleens and friends to meet the hive leader in person.

"Ma'am!" Tessy barked to Spleens while saluting, "Would you and your friends please accompany me to the hive leader's office? She will most certainly wish to welcome you back to the hive in person."

"Um," Spleens began, slightly taken aback, "Sure... But what about our caravan? I don't think we should just leave it here by the road."

At this, Tessy pointed a hoof towards four separate changeling guards in turn before nodding towards the caravan. As one, the four saluted smartly before flying over to the corners of the caravan, which they then dead lifted into the air, flying off towards one of the hive's towers. 

"Your caravan will be placed near your rooms, and will be  guarded." Tessy announced. 

Spleens looked over to Near Miss and Long Shot, both of whom shrugged. "Lead the way then," Spleens told Tessy, and with that they were off, the changeling guards extending their wings out proudly as they escorted their guests towards the hive.
> Chapter 42
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Upon arriving inside the hive, Spleens, Near Miss, and Long Shot were escorted through a long series of hallways until they reached an elegant door. One of the changelings opened the door to reveal a lush interior, at the center of which was an important looking orange changeling sitting, wings spread, behind an impressive wooden desk.

"Greetings visitors, as always, it is nice to meet new faces," the orange changeling said before glaring at Tessy and quietly yet sharply ordering, "Tessy! A word please!"

Tessy trotted over to the orange changeling, who muttered a few hushed and rushed sentences into the captain's ear before shoving her subordinate aside and announcing, "I apologize, I am Lymph Node, or Liff as most 'lings call me. I'm the leader of hive Epsilon."

"Nice to meet you, I'm Spleens, this is Near Miss, and this is Long Shot," Spleens said pointing to both of her companions in turn before continuing, "But I'm kind of confused, what's with the VIP treatment?"

"Um... We wanted to welcome you back after being away so long," Liff said before quickly changing the subject, "It's nice to meet you Near Miss, Long Shot, and Spleens, how long are you three planning to stay?"

"Just the night," Near answered, "We're really just passing through on our way back to Ponyville. Is that ok?"

"It's fine, just asking for planning reasons," Liff said before gesturing to Tessy, "I'm sure that Tessy would be happy to show you to your rooms. I hope to see you all again before you leave."

At this Tessy snapped to attention, "If you would follow me please, I can show you to your rooms."





The rooms set aside for Long Shot, Near Miss, and Spleens were large and well decorated, each having a small kitchen and a well-appointed attached bathroom. They also adjoined a nearby lounge with a balcony, upon which their caravan sat.

Near Miss and Spleens were settling into the couches of the lounge when the silence was broken by a loud and shrill, "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!" as Long noticed and then pounced upon a fruit laden end table in the middle of the room, on the center of which was a large, perfectly ripe mango.

By the time their ears had stopped ringing, Long had finished her mango and was curled up on a large floor cushion. After a  couple minutes, Long then suddenly lifted her head and shifted her wings slightly forward before asking, "What was it like growing up in a unreformed changeling hive?"

"It was how I grew up?" Spleens answered, before continuing, "We were told to take love wherever we could find it, but that always seemed wrong to me. The other 'lings teased and bullied me for not taking love from the pony prisoners stationed at our school."

"Why didn't you just tell everyling that you took the love without actually doing it?" Near asked.

At this, Spleens jumped to her feet, visibly distressed and sobbed, "because it was wrong." She sat down again and looked at the ground as if she was ashamed before continuing, "I just sat with the ponies, hugging them and apologizing for how they'd been treated until my 'feeding' time was up."

At this, both Long Shot and Near Miss launched themselves into hug tackles upon their friend.

Spleens continued, "And then one day someling came in too early and they saw me comforting the pony, and then... and then..."

At this point Spleens passed into unconsciousness due to the overload of sympathy she felt from her two friends.
> Chapter 43
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"She'll be fine, she's just had a moderate acute emotional overdose. Once her system processes it, she'll be right as rain." The changeling doctor told the two anxious ponies after examining their friend. "By the way, what triggered this?"

Near Miss was the first to come back to the moment, "She told us something, and I felt so sorry for her," Near said, tears streaming down her face.

"What was it she told you?" The changeling doctor said.

Near Miss was opening her mouth when Long Shot slapped a wing membrane over it. "It was deeply personal, and we won't betray her trust. If you need to know what it was, you'll have to ask her yourself." Long finished, stoically flaring both of her wings as wide as she could.

"Very well," The doctor answered, "For the meantime, she'll need at least a day's rest. I will let 'Liff know that you need to stay a while longer." At this the changeling bowed, "If you need me, tell the guards; my room is just down the hall."





The next day, Spleens wandered into the shared lounge to see Near and Long playing cards. It only took them around half an hour to notice that Spleens had entered the room.

"You okay buddy?" Long asked.

"Yeah, I think I'll be fine-" Spleens got out before she was cut off by Long Shot.

"Good, 'cause Near's been kicking my ass and I need your help," Long said patting a chair next to her.

Spleens nearly jumped into the proffered chair, eager to avoid answering any questions about the previous day.


It was around noon when Near flipped the table, having lost several card games in a row and by now thoroughly tired of just sitting around. "You two ready to get going?" She asked her friends, who seemed unsurprised at the table being flipped.

Spleens stuck her head out of the lounge door to talk to one of the guards while Near and Long ran about, with Near grabbing all of their belongings, and Long taking every last piece of fruit that had been laid out for them and storing them in the caravan's magic powered refrigerator. 

Several minutes later, by which time the changeling guard had flown the caravan, along with Near, Long and Spleens, back to the nearby road, they were off again, with Long pulling the caravan while all three of them debated the relative merits of ramane noodles vs spicy curry vs ALL MANGOES ALL THE TIME.





Even before the sun had set, the forested area they were traveling through had grown bitterly cold, and all three agreed that they would stop early that day.

While Long Shot quickly gathered firewood, Near Miss and Spleens huddled around Near's space heater, until Near could get a proper fire started, at which point all three of them huddled around that while Near prepared boiling hot ramane noodles for them all, with the extra-extra spicy bowl going to Spleens. 

The three of them ate quickly, and then promptly retired to the somewhat insulated caravan, with the space heater being warmed to white hot upon its fire-proof stand in the middle of the room. Within a few minutes, the caravan had become almost cozy warm, allowing the three travelers to fall asleep quickly.
> Chapter 44
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spleens awoke the next day, being gently shook awake by somepony. She had slept well that night, without any nightmares, and presently wasn't very interested in being awake.

"Spleens?" Near's voice said gently some time later, "It's time to get moving and it's your turn to pull." 

After letting out a groan, Spleens rolled out of her hammock, shook her head a few times to wake herself up, before giving Near a quick hug. After that quick snack, Spleens somewhat more energetically slogged her way out of the caravan to hook herself up to the harness. Still mostly asleep, Spleens had some difficulty groggily hooking herself up until she remembered she had magic and didn't only have to use her hooves.

Once Spleens was hooked up and moving, with Long Shot's already snoring cloud tied to the caravan, Near Miss trotted up to provide Spleens some company. "She doesn't snore at night, so why is she snoring now?" Spleens asked.

Near thought for a moment before answering, "I wonder if it's a position thing; She sleeps upside down at night, but I'd bet she's on her back right now."

Spleens shrugged and the two mares walked in silence for a while before it started to snow. Around an hour later, with the snow up to their fetlocks, Near Miss spoke again, "Spleens, are you okay? You were really upset at the hive."

"I really don't want to talk about it right now," Spleens replied.

Near was about to respond when they heard a brief swear from above, shortly before a snow covered Long Shot landed next to them. "The next time it starts snowing on me and my cloud, would one of you please wake me up before I get snowed in?"

"Sorry," Near said, "We were kinda busy."

"Doing what?"

"Not waking you up." Spleens answered. At this Long gave a hearty laugh before giving Spleens a hoof bump. 

"Now that you're up though," Near started, "would you mind popping up to the clouds to let us know how bad this snow will be?"

Long Shot shook herself off before donning her sunglasses and springing into the sky, where she quickly disappeared behind the snow and clouds. It was around a minute before she returned, lazily circling her way back to the ground. "It doesn't look like it'll get much worse, but it doesn't look like it'll stop soon either," Long reported.

The three mares continued through the wooded path for several more hours, casually debating the most appropriate condiment(s) to use on grilled carrots until they eventually arrived at a fork in the path. By this point the snow was halfway up their legs and they had slowed to a crawl. 

Spotting a sign at the fork, Spleens unhooked herself from the caravan and the three of them approached the sign for a better look. After Spleens had cleared the snow off the face of the sign, they saw it read:


Routes to Canterlot:
← Northern route- Gallifrey Gorge
Southern route- Wren's Anomaly→


"Looks like it's time to decide girls, Gallifrey Gorge or Wren's Anomaly" Near said. She was about to continue when Spleens interrupted her.

"As much as I don't mind pulling the caravan, it'll be dark soon, so why don't we make camp for the night while we think it over." Spleens offered, pointing at a clearing in the trees on the south side of the path just before the fork.

Near and Long both looked up at the already darkening sky before agreeing and helping Spleens force the caravan around and over to the clearing. Once the caravan was in place, Long Shot went off to collect firewood while Near Miss and Spleens started preparing dinner and generally making camp for the night. The clearing had an old park bench and fire pit, both of which were still functional, although they had certainly seen better days. Before they had finished setting things up, Long was back with a bundle of twigs and several mostly dry logs, which promptly caught fire under a stream of unicorn sparks.





By the time dinner had been cooked and consumed, all three mares were feeling rather cold, and so they doused the fire before hurring into the caravan to discuss the next day's decision.
> Chapter 45
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

By the time Near Miss had finished warming up the space heater, Spleens had already unfolded the map and, along with Long Shot, was asking it questions. They had already seen the entire Gallifrey Gorge route, a narrow and treacherous valley ridge, but the Wren's Anomaly route was giving the map trouble.

"Map," Spleens said gently, "Please show us the center of Wren's Anomaly." At this, the map shimmered briefly before becoming entirely blank. "Map," Spleens tried again, "Please show us Wren's Anomaly and the area around it." This time, the map showed the road leading to and from the anomaly, but the area around and including the anomaly itself remained blank.

"Map-" Spleens started again before being cut off by Long Shot.

"Listen here map!" Long Shot almost shouted, "I need you to show me what's there at the anomaly, so show me before I use you as toilet paper!"

At this the entire map shimmered before producing an image of a sad puppy. Long Shot had opened her mouth and was about to scream at the map more before she was silenced by Near Miss's hoof as Spleens started explaining, "I think it's trying to tell us that it can't show us the anomaly. We already know that magic doesn't work there, maybe that means that magic trying to see the anomaly doesn't work either." At this Long Shot flopped down onto her rump, looking not unlike a guilty puppy.

"Whatever it is," Near Miss started, "must be very powerful if it not only can drain the magic from the surrounding area, but also steal magic trying to see it from afar." The moment she had finished speaking, the map shimmered again, now forming several enthusiastically animated arrows pointing at Near Miss.

"It would seem," Spleens remarked, "that the map agrees with you."

"That's all well and good, but that doesn't tell us what's actually there," Long Shot said, exasperated. "For all we know it's just an active volcano in the middle. What guarantee do we have that it's even passable?"

"None," Spleens said flatly, "Just like how we have no guarantee we won't fall off the thin parts of the trail above Gallifrey Gorge."

At this, Long Shot actually took pause and, calming down, admitted, "I guess you're right. Besides, we don't really have to decide until tomorrow morning."

"That's a good point," Near Miss added, "it'll probably be good for us all to sleep on it."
> Chapter 46
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Near Miss woke up early the next day. She had slept fitfully, having had to awaken several times to re-heat the space heater, and as such was in a somewhat sour mood. Looking around, Near saw bat-butt hanging by her bat butt in the normal bat-butt position, but Spleens' butt was nowhere to be found. Trusting bat-butt to have survived the night, Near Miss exited the caravan.

"Good morning Near!" Spleens said more loudly than Near Miss would have liked. "I've made potato pancakes, would you like some?"

Near Miss was not ready for talking and just held up a hoof before trotting off to a nearby bush to urinate before she slowly made her way back, feeling somewhat more capable of socializing. "So what have you made for breakfast?" Near said as she properly looked at Spleens for the first time that morning.

Spleens was glowing in the literal sense. 

The snow around her hooves had all melted away, as had that in the paths about which she must have used while cooking. Looking at her friend, Near Miss had to shade her eyes with a hoof as she shook her head to rid herself of her sleep inertia.

"Potato pancakes!" Spleens replied excitedly as she hopped up and down in place. "It's shredded potatoes formed into a pancake shape and then cooked on a frying pan with a bit of oil. I also put a little bit of mango in the middle of most of them for you and Long Shot."

An instant after Spleens spoke the word 'mango' Near heard a commotion from within the caravan. However, at the moment, that commotion was not Near's primary concern. "Spleens! You're glowing! Why are you glowing!?" She said as a bat pony landed face down into the snow nearby.

Spleens stopped bouncing in place, her left forehoof and right hindhoof held up in the air, before looking at her raised forehoof, rotating it slowly as she did so. "I-I-I." Spleens said as she looked back up towards Near Miss and the just-getting-to-her-feet Long Shot. "There's love here," Spleens finally said, "There's so much love here. It's in the air, the trees, even the snow. Somepony was loved deeply here. So deeply that they- that they,"

"That they what?" Long Shot shouted.

"That they-" was all Spleens was able say before she collapsed.
> Chapter 47
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The unicorn stallion had always been shy, it was his nature. At grade school, he was bullied relentlessly for it, and he was either unable, or unwilling, to raise a hoof at his aggressors. This continued for many years until finally, the new boy, an earth pony orphan from another town, stepped into the way. "Leave him alone!" The new pony demanded. The earth pony was up against older unicorns, and didn't stand a chance. Nonetheless, he tried to shield the bullied unicorn as best he could while the bullies beat the new kid instead. Once they had beaten the orphan unconscious they beat up the shy unicorn as well, leaving both of them weak and bloody on the floor.





"Spleens!" Long Shot shouted again to her collapsed friend. Spleens stayed on the ground, franticly twitching as if in a bad dream. "Near! We need to get her to a doctor!" 

Long Shot knew nothing about medicine or medical practices, but seeing her friend suffering was plain as day. As Near Miss magicly floated Spleens gently back into the caravan, Long Shot strapped herself into the pulling harness faster than anypony ever had. The moment Near Miss emerged from the caravan, Long Shot started sprinting down the road towards Wren's Anomaly.





After they met, the shy unicorn and the orphan earth pony quickly became inseparable. The bullies still picked on them, but fighting two ponies at once was hard work, so the unicorn bullies quickly moved onto easier prey. While this made the two colt's lives somewhat easier, new rumors started to appear about their relationship, and the teaching staff at their school were not kind. In reality, the two colts were, at the time, merely good friends, and both were confused as to why all the adults were so upset over two boys being so close.





At first, Near Miss was able to use her magic to help Long Shot pull Spleens and the caravan faster, but the further they ran, the weaker Near's magic became, until her horn was unable to even generate a single spark. Long Shot was tiring too- her pegasus strength and speed slowly fading as they approached a long but shallow valley. Using the last of her magic, Near Miss strapped herself into the second pulling harness.





As they grew up, the two colts remained inseparable, but still each became their own pony. The shy unicorn's magic was weak, but he was very clever, and with the small amount of magic he had, he continuously astounded his teachers with his clever magical logic and workarounds. 

The orphan earth pony, on the other hand, was a remarkably gifted gardener. To his teachers it seemed that any plant his hooves touched sprung to life and thrived above any others of the species. It was not long before the orphan colt was tutoring other earth ponies, some many decades older than him, in his spare time.





As they changed from colts into stallions, the shy unicorn and the orphan earth pony grew closer still, sharing their dearest hopes and dreams with each other in quiet whispers. Equestria, it seemed, was still out to get them, but together they felt strong, safe... secure.

They came of adult age within a month of each other, but that was the most difficult month either of them had ever known. The orphan earth pony, upon coming of age, was thrown out of his orphanage home and the shy unicorn tried to shelter him. This lasted a couple weeks before the shy unicorn's parents discovered their son's earth pony friend and threw them both out onto the streets.





Long Shot's lungs burned as she ran, but she would not let Spleens down. Near Miss felt it too- their very muscles were weakening as they entered the shallow valley of Wren's Anomaly.





The shy unicorn and the orphan earth pony roamed from city to city, surviving mostly on the earth pony's pay from his gardening lessons. The shy unicorn was not idle though- he self-taught himself more and more about magic every chance he had and, despite his weak horn, he showered his friend with magical baubles the likes of which Equestria had never seen.

It was the earth pony who brought it up first. He did it with a very simple question and a very simple act. "Can we be more than friends?" Followed by a quick kiss on the cheek. That was all, and the shy unicorn was speechless for a week.

The unicorn was, however, not idle for that week. Using the entirety of his small magic reserves and his vast cleverness, he crafted a gift for the earth pony- a living rose made of magical white light. It would never die and never fade in its gentle brilliance. At the end of the week the shy unicorn meekly presented his gift to his dear friend. Instead of being rejected as the unicorn had expected, his gift was met with a hug and a kiss, and after that evening the two stallions were a bit more than friends.





Near Miss could barely breath as they approached the center of the shallow valley. In the entire valley, there was neither flora nor fauna, just grey rocks and grey dirt; a dull lifeless moonscape.

Long Shot was suffering too, but she simply responded by pushing herself ever harder, desperately worried about her changeling friend.





The stallions were happy as they made their way back and forth across Equestria, learning and teaching as they went. Unlike the city they had grown up in, most of the ponies of Equestria didn't care that they were both male, and happily welcomed the clever unicorn and be-rosed earth pony into their cities and homes.





"STOP!" Spleens cried, having crawled her way to the caravan's door and weakly pushed it open. Near Miss and Long Shot dug their hooves in to the grey dirt and skidded to a halt at the center of Wren's Anomaly's valley. Faster than either thought possible, Near and Long shed their harnesses and rushed to Spleens's side. "There!" Spleens pointed at a shallow cave, "They need help," she said before passing out.





The night had started so well, with the traveling stallions meeting and setting up camp with another stallion alongside a valley wall. The new stallion was friendly enough, and seemed only to want to share the warm fire and trade stories. For hours, that's what they did, chatting pleasantly until the shy unicorn eventually politely excused himself to his sleeping bag shortly after midnight.

For a while the be-rosed earth pony and his new friend chatted before the newcomer brought up the rose. "Wherever did you come across that rose you have in your mane?"

"Oh this?" The earth pony answered, idly brushing his mane and briefly warming his hoof alongside the glowing white rose. "My partner," the earth pony gestured at the sleeping unicorn, "Made it for me after I first asked him out."

With alarming fluidity, the newcomer stallion flipped out a knife and simply said, "Hand it over."

"No, he made it for me-" was all the be-rosed earth pony managed to say before the knife was in his chest, piercing a lung. The thief tried to take what he assumed was a priceless rose, but his hoof just passed straight through it.

"I can't pick it up, why can't I pick it up!?" Demanded the thief.

"It was made for me... it was made with love for me." Was all the be-rosed stallion managed to say before losing consciousness.





Near Miss and Long Shot sprinted towards the shallow cave Spleens had pointed at. As they rounded the corner they found a grizzly sight. There were the remains of two ponies inside a shallow crater within the cave. The one on top was just bones now, although it had clearly been a unicorn. This however paled in comparison to the horror of the other pony. It was emaciated, looking like skin tightly stretched across bones, but this was not the frightening part, that was its eyes, which stared desperately at Near Miss and Long Shot, who, as they approached the earth pony with a white rose in his mane, both fainted mid-gallop.





A shout had awoken the shy unicorn, but he was tired and slow to his feet. By the time he was up, the stallion they had met earlier that night was sprinting away from a prone figure lying next to the wall of the canyon. He knew that figure, and sprinted towards it. 

It was worse than he could have ever imagined.

On the ground was his be-rosed partner, bleeding out and barely breathing, a knife in his chest, and his pleading, helpless eyes stared into the unicorn's soul. 

At his partner's side, the unicorn made a terrible choice. The unicorn was weak: he knew that. The unicorn had little magic: he knew that. But he knew how magic worked; it acted like life itself, and thus surely one could be traded for the other.

With a desperate, pained scream, the unicorn cast an awful spell; it would drain all the life and magic nearby to save his partner, surely for long enough to find a doctor or a more powerful unicorn who could help.

The unicorn had sadly forgot that he, himself, was also alive, and as the be-rosed earth pony watched in horror, his unicorn partner died.

The spell was strong though, and did what it was supposed to, keeping the be-rosed earth pony alive for hours, then days, then months, then years. It was over one hundred years before a unicorn and a bat pony ran up pulling a cart, before rushing towards the earth pony and fainting on the way.





Near Miss was the first to awaken, but only just. She felt weak, weaker than ever in her life. Looking in front of her, she saw the crying earth pony, unable to move, but still with a glowing white flower in his hair. Near tried to crawl towards the ancient earth pony, but she was too weak to move. She tried her magic, but that didn't work either. As Near collapsed again, she briefly glimpsed a glowing green changeling striding stoically past.





Spleens felt sick. Sicker than she had thought possible, but she had to act. Her friends were dying, and a long suffering stranger needed help. Pulling herself off of the caravan floor, she felt her magic drain, but also love. So much love, such deep love that she could force herself up and slowly walk forward. From inside the caravan, she had seen the lives of two ponies, from start to end, or close to it. 

Fighting for each step, drinking love only slightly faster than it drained out of her, she made her way to the be-rosed earth pony. He stared at her, almost motionless, occasionally glancing at Near Miss or Long Shot before closing his eyes and nodding.

"Rest now, Green Touch," Spleens said before smashing his skull in with her hoof. The rose grew dull.
> Chapter 48
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Somepony was being awfully rude.

Long Shot was being violently shaken awake as she heard a loving voice beg, "NO LITTLE ONE! IT IS NOT YET YOUR TIME! YOU MUST NOT PERISH!" At this Long opened an eye to find a dark blue alicorn with starry hair holding her. Long Shot relaxed her quivering leg muscles before falling back asleep. If it was important, she could deal with it later.





Near Miss was abruptly shunted into consciousness by strong, frantic hooves shaking her. Blearily gazing around, Near saw she was being held by an alabaster alicorn, while a blue alicorn shook and shouted at Long Shot nearby, behind whom a somewhat familiar purple unicorn was casting several spells at once while giving orders to a group of guards. Near swung her head back around and finally saw Spleens being held carefully by a crying purple alicorn.

Near blinked several times before looking around again. 

With a start, Near realized that she was being held by Princess Celestia as, nearby, Princess Luna continued to shout at and shake Long Shot, behind whom stood Starlight Glimmer, issuing orders to guards and using her magic to secure the caravan. Near swung her head back around to see Spleens gently cradled by a softly sobbing Princess Twilight Sparkle. 

"This is an awfully strange dream," Near Miss thought, "I'm going back to sleep."






Ten minutes earlier


With the quiet smashing of an ancient skull had come the much louder crack of an old spell ending, as long tendrils of unnatural magic vanished in an instant. 

Within a few kilotrots the change would have given anypony a splitting headache. Within a hundred kilotrots, unicorns casting spells briefly faltered as they adjusted to the slightly different flow of magic around them. Five hundred kilotrots away most unicorns looked around them as if somepony had called their name without using words. At a thousand or more kilotrots away from Wren's Anomaly, only highly adept magic users noticed the change, and only four of them correctly guessed what it had meant.

There was another crack as three alicorns and a unicorn appeared on the scene, accompanied by a group of bewildered guards, some of them looking like they had been in mid-conversation before arriving. The three alicorns rushed towards the collapsed ponies and changeling as the unicorn started giving orders to the guards and securing the area with her magic.

After securing the area, the unicorn disappeared for a few seconds, before returning with several doctors and nurses, all of whom promptly set to work.
> Chapter 49
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Long Shot woke up in a generic hospital bed within a generic hospital room as an earth pony doctor scribbled something onto a clipboard. Lurching up into a sitting position with a gasp, Long half asked, half shouted, "What Happened? Where am I? Where are Near Miss and Spleens?"

The doctor stopped writing as she responded, "You're at the Royal Canterlot Hospital, your friends are awake in the next rooms down the hall, and medically all three of you seem fine, although you yourself seem to have taken a tumble and landed on your head. As for what happened, there's somepony here who's been waiting here for you to all wake up so she can explain it to you. Let me go get her and your friends."

As the doctor left, Long put a hoof up to her head before immediately withdrawing it with a hiss of pain upon touching the bandaged section near her left ear.

After a couple of minutes, the doctor returned leading Spleens, Near Miss and Starlight Glimmer, the first of whom promptly hug-tackled Long Shot. "I'm so glad you're alright!" Spleens practically shouted into Long's ear before being gently pulled away by a combination of Near Miss's and Starlight Glimmer's magic. After the two unicorns shared a brief glance, Starlight cleared her throat and began explaining.

"Based on what Spleens here told us, and knowledge of the area around Wren's Anomaly in general, I think I have a pretty good idea of what happened to you three. Around one hundred ten years ago, it would appear that two traveling stallions, an earth pony and a unicorn, were mugged at the bottom of the valley that became Wren's Anomaly. The earth pony was mortally wounded but his unicorn friend cast a self-perpetuating spell to stop the earth pony from dying by draining the magic and life energy from the surroundings, at least until the unicorn could go get help. Unfortunately, the unicorn died either while casting the spell, or immediately afterwards, and the spell kept draining magic and life from an increasingly large area until the three of you arrived, at which point Spleens was able to put the long suffering earth pony out of his misery. This caused a magical backlash that alerted Princesses Twilight Sparkle, Celestia, Luna and also myself to what had happened, and we all came right away. All in all, the three of you are all very lucky to be alive." 

Starlight Glimmer cleared her throat again. "That said, did you manage to find that grundle tickler I sent you after?

"Oh yeah," Near replied, "It's stored inside the caravan."

Starlight lit her horn and looked up absentmindedly, as if rooting around somewhere before returning her gaze to Near Miss as she telepoofed both the artifact and a large bag of bits into the room. "Excellent, here's your five thousand bits, plus a bit extra from Princess Twilight for dealing with Wren's Anomaly" then, as she exited, she said under her breath, "Wait until Trixie gets a load of this puppy."





Long Shot was discharged from the hospital later that day, and as the three friends met up at their caravan, Near Miss asked, "Well, what the buck do we do now?" 

At which point Long Shot reared onto her hind legs, spread her wings and shouted, "Adventure!" Although she held the pose in silence for so long that Near Miss and Spleens exchanged glances and both wondered if their friend needed further medical care.






The story continues in A Long Shot