Discord has had a wonderful life thanks to the magic of friendship - and now he has the chance to pay it forward. All he needs is to borrow a statue.
Probably the best thing to happen in Discord's long life was finding the magic of friendship. As much as the old Chaos Lord might complain, without it he would never have found so many that were dear to his heart.
When that heart finds itself empty, he comes to the Princess to ask a favor: allow him the opportunity to bring friendship to other dark hearts. All she has to do is lend him a statue.
Princess Twilight Sparkle choked on her tea. "What?"
Captain Gallus helplessly shrugged as he held the door for the draconequus. Discord had gone above and beyond the call today - he even had a bow tie and tuxedo bib on. He was also acting particularly odd for himself, given that he had obeyed the schedule, submitted a petition through regular channels, was walking up to the throne and just bowed respectfully.
"Um." Twilight had no idea how to handle this part.
"If it should please Her Majesty--"
And Twilight burst into laughter, much to Discord's chagrin. "Sorry, sorry. I mean, pft!" The regal demeanor was swept away as she rolled her eyes. "This is just so not like you! Come on, I'll adjourn for lunch so we can talk privately." Her horn lit up, a teleport spell kicking in.
Which Discord snuffed out with a snap of his claw. "No no, I don't think so, Princess Booky*. No taking me off-screen for private time out of the leering public eye. We're doing this by the book today, and that's final."
Twilight tilted her head curiously. "You. The Lord of Chaos. Want to use proper procedures to speak to me in an extremely formalized fashion as dictated by a complex legal framework?" She (and everypony else in the room) blinked in confusion. "Are you a changeling?"
Most of the room was shocked that the Princess would dare say such a thing. One of the changeling representatives, in fact, looked ready to start a fight. Discord... laughed. "Ho ho! It's good to see that whatever stick Celestia had up her throne left with her." He applauded, along with another half-dozen sets of hands that manifested. "Well volleyed, Twilight!"
And the Princess smiled for her old friend. "I did have good teachers. But really, Discord. How are you? I know I haven't been to see you in a while, but I thought you might need some space after the funeral and--"
He held up a paw to stop her. "I'm doing better. I promise. But that's part of why I'm here today - I have an official request to make."
Twilight stiffened her back, raising up to her most regal and official-looking. "Then make it, my dear friend."
Discord cleared his throat with the honk of a foghorn. "Ahem. Yes. If it should please Her Majesty, I come before you today as the assistant--" He ground to an abrupt halt. Applejack's lessons for how to cry on the inside were all that stopped Twilight from breaking into tears as the draconequus' façade of mirth fell away. But he was strong, and reset it as he corrected himself. "As the head caretaker of the Sweet Feather Sanctuary. I am requesting a gift from Your Majesty to the Sanctuary in the form of one of the pieces of art from the castle gardens."
Something tweaked in the back of Twilight's thoughts. "I presume you have a specific piece in mind?"
"I do." There was the tone she'd been waiting for in Discord's voice - the sly one that was soaked in snake oil and appeared every time he was up to something. "I want The Terrible Trio."
The room was Discord's in an instant. Absolute chaos enveloped the normally orderly throne room, and Twilight strongly suspected this reaction was exactly why Discord had tolerated all the rules and decorum up to this point. After all, he was grinning that familiar devil's grin. She couldn't help but smile back and mouth 'well played'.
"ENOUGH."
The Royal Canterlot Voice bludgeoned the room into silence. Twilight gave it a ten-count to make sure that they all had listened before continuing. "I presume that you have a reason beyond simply enjoying the statue." She understood. This wasn't an official request, this was theater and now they both knew it. She had to play her part and he would take care of all the heavy lifting.
"Why friendship, of course!" Discord's tittering laughter set everyone aside from the Princess on edge. The Lord of Chaos had spent too long in the Sanctuary - the Canterlotian nobles had gotten soft. None of them were old enough to remember Discord in his old ways. They'd never been terrorized by a draconequus before. At least, they didn't seem to appreciate the rainbow that erupted from the ground behind him as he spoke. "But seriously, because friendship. I'm sure you understand that, Sparklebutt."
Twilight ignored the childish barb and tilted her head forward delicately. "Indulge me, if you would? How exactly does giving the Lord of Chaos the petrified bodies of three of Equestria's greatest villains translate to friendship?"
Helpfully, Discord pulled down a calendar from nowhere and pointed to it with his retractable pointer. "You see, many years ago I was a naughty boy and Her High Unfunness Celestia trapped me in stone for centuries. Me!" He snorted. "No appreciation for a good laugh, that one. It's why her sister got that Element. If she had just let me--" Discord stopped, cut off by a gentle clearing of Twilight's throat. "Well, anyway. As I was saying, I was trapped in stone for centuries." While his words didn't pause, Discord froze to stone as he mentioned it. "But then I was released from my prison and given a second chance." The stone shattered, leaving him once more unblemished.
"After you broke free on your own and terrorized all of Equestria with your chaos magic," Twilight pointed out.
The accusation was immediately waved off, but not denied. "Yes yes, there was a bit of a disagreement before that but it's hardly important. The important part is that you forgave me, dear Twilight. You and your little band of friends looked at me and decided I was worth another shot." He paused before taking a more serious tone. "Fluttershy decided I was worth another shot."
It took just that one moment of somber mood to bring the entire gaggle of noble upstarts into solemn silence. Twilight let it hang, pressing down on the nobility and to remind them of the loss that was still fresh in both her and Discord's hearts. Then she nodded again, signaling him to continue.
"Throughout your time," Discord noted, "You regularly took your worst enemies and made them your most faithful allies. And maybe once I would have laughed at you for it, but today? I can only thank you. Because the friendship I was shown and the chance I was given meant that I gained the most valuable thing I could have dreamed of - and still could never have conjured up with even my magic." A tiny lightning bolt sizzled between his claws. "I ask you for the statue, Your Majesty, because every creature deserves that second chance. I don't want it for me. But for them."
"And," Twilight gently noted, "For Fluttershy."
Discord's smarmy smile melted to one far more wistful - one Twilight had grown used to seeing in the past decades. "Yes. For Fluttershy."
Twilight's sad smile was very much the same. "In her name - and that of our friendship - I hereby grant your request for this gift. I know you will take care of the statue and, in the proper time, give to those imprisoned within it the same second chance you had. I have complete faith that there are none better qualified to both give that fair chance and to protect Equestria at the same time." With slow steps, she descended from the throne and put her hooves around the draconequus. "She would be proud of you, my friend."
Discord wrapped around Twilight, hugging her back. "She always was."
"Teacher, why's that statue here?"
Miss Polymath had been Ponyville's schoolteacher for almost thirty years - and knew from experience that question came up every time a class visited the Sanctuary. "That's the statue of the Three Villains," she lectured her students. "According to legend, many generations ago there was a grave threat to Equestria. But it was defeated by the Princess and her companions in a great battle. This statue was carved afterwards as a reminder of the true dangers to our way of life."
She pointed a hoof to the snarling figure at the bottom. "That one represents the hate that can hide in our hearts."
Next, to the emaciated centaur. "That one, the avarice and greed that can consume us."
Lastly, to the cowering pegasus. "And that one is the fear that can drive us to terrible acts without meaning to."
The foals around her were quiet until the original colt spoke up again. "No, I mean why is it here in the animal sanctuary?"
"Oh. That's because the Caretaker is very, very weird."
A lunge hundreds of years in the making ended as Queen Chrysalis collided with the ground. And a banana creme pie that was laying in just the right place.
The once Queen of the Changelings regained her hooves almost immediately, despite wearing a comical beard of banana custard. "You INSOLENT--"
And just as quickly, she was silenced when Discord drew the zipper across her muzzle. "Out of stone for fifteen seconds and I'm already tired of your ranting." He sighed heavily, body twisting around the forcibly silent changeling. "Really Chryssy, I would think that you'd be happy to get to stretch your legs. But I suppose you're the sort who takes things for granite."
Chrysalis screamed mutely.
"Oh come now, as if your material was any good." He slid slightly to the side as a bolt of green scorched the grass. "And if you do that again I'll put you right back."
She froze at that, eyes still full of vengeful hate. But there was no follow-up blast - only a flinch as Discord unzipped her mouth again. "I would say you have no idea what I've been through, creature, but you understand all too well." She slowly paced to the side, never taking her eyes from the draconequus. "Let me guess. Now that you've freed me you think you're going to smile and laugh and turn me into a simpering sycophant?"
"Excellent alliteration," Discord commented. Then he ducked another blast of magic.
"I should have destroyed you when I had the chance instead of cocooning you!" Chrysalis' wings unfurled. "And next time, I shall!"
She lifted into the air - and went nowhere. A snap of Discord's claw manifested a weight around each hoof with a comical 1 TON written on each. "As funny as you trying could be, that isn't how this works."
Chrysalis tried to lift off again - unsuccessfully - before grumbling with resignation. "Just put me back in stone then. I want nothing to do with your pathetic pony ways!"
"Let's make a deal." With a motion that looped and twirled in ways that would have made Trixie envious, Discord sent a cascade of playing cards between claw and paw. He tossed five in front of Chrysalis. "You come with me and let me try to influence you away from being such a sourpuss, and I'll promise that afterwards I'll let you go." Five more cards extracted from the deck into his claw. "No turning back to stone, no putting you in a dungeon, no chasing after you. You give me my chance, and I let you go free."
She frowned. "I don't trust you. But I don't really have a choice, do I."
"Wonderful! I'm glad we're on the same page." Discord gleefully grinned before flipping the cards. On Chrysalis' side? The ace and eight of clubs, and the ace, queen and eight of spades. On Discord's? Five jokers. "Let's begin with something simple."
Atop the hill, the pair looked down on the bustling little town.
"It hasn't changed so much," Chrysalis smugly noted. "I would think that they would have turned their Princess' former home into some sort of shrine."
Half-ignoring her, Discord dumped a picnic basket out on the grass. The resulting calamity of cutlery fell into a near-perfect spread for the tea party - complete with a gently pulsing jar of liquid labelled LOVE. "It's grown and shrunk a few times over the years. I haven't paid a lot of attention honestly." The Lord of Chaos sat himself down on a purple mushroom that hadn't existed the moment before. "Tea, with a bit of love in it?" He shook the bottle. "It's a good vintage."
Grudgingly, the Queen sat opposite the Lord on the blanket. "Extracted from new parents cooing over their foals? Or is it some alchemical concoction the traitors developed?"
"It's mine."
The admission froze Chrysalis for a moment - before she laughed. "Yours? A creature such as you understands love?"
Her laughter ended as the air around her froze. All the warmth of the spring day was sucked into the fire in the draconequus' eyes. Chrysalis knew hate. She knew when to fear it.
And then it passed. Discord chuckled in a way the Queen knew was false. "I think the problem is that you don't know love, not me." Before she could scoff, he continued on. "To you, love has never been anything but a food source. Something to gather and hoard, not feel." He poured a dollop of love into her cup, and allowed four cubes of sugar to swan-dive into his.
The tea poured. Once it was finished, the teapot ran back across the blanket, turned in a circle three times and settled down for a nap. Chrysalis refused to give Discord the satisfaction of thinking it was weird. "That's because it is. For us it is food. It's what keeps us alive. The rest of you are simply blind enough to waste it frivolously."
"Your successor," Discord airly noted, "didn't seem to think so."
She snarled. And he smiled.
"That grub will be just the first in a long line of those I shall have my revenge upon." Chrysalis brooded over her tea.
Discord, heedless of her sour mood, tipped a bit more love into the cup. "You do realize how much time has passed, right?" A clock that hadn't been behind him before ticked away. "Just who are you seeking revenge on? Starlight Glimmer? Not only is it too late for that, it's so late that her lineage has blossomed and faded away again. The only ones left are me - and I think we both know how that would go - and Twilight Sparkle. Who you couldn't beat when she didn't have her full alicorn power, an army at her disposal and several centuries of experience." The clock chimed, popping out a tiny bird that declared cuckoo.
"I shall start with my revenge on Thorax's memory, then. By taking back my Hive and purging them of this pony-like foolishness!" The former Queen stomped a forehoof as punctuation, causing the watercress to flee in terror. "Once they are reshaped into what changelings should be, I will remind that Princess what true power can do."
As a rebuttal, Discord yawned.
Rising up to her full height, Chrysalis loomed over the lounging draconequus. "You doubt me?"
"'Doubt' implies the potential that you could convince me otherwise." He yawned again, mostly out of spite. "Tell me - just how are you going to change the changelings? What do you have to offer them? Being hungry again? Being hunted? Hated? Giving up everything they've built and gained so they can live in a cave in a desert? You're going to need to offer them more than a gift basket for that." Said basket popped into Discord's paw, full of wax fruit and a glass jar labelled Empty Promises.
She said nothing to that as the love turned sour in her mouth.
Discord didn't let up just because he'd won. "It's been dozens of generations since a changeling like you existed outside the history books." He paused for a withering beat. "When the books even still bother to include you." He slithered forward, rising up to put his face right in front of hers. "Why would they follow you? And don't say you'll take the throne by force," he added, flicking her in the crown off her head. "They outnumber you ten thousand to one and have every hero in Equestria on speed-dial."
"I'll just make a new hive, then!" She seethed, but didn't dare turn her back on him to retrieve her crown. Giving an inch would lose the war.
"With--" Discord got as far as pulling out the blackjack cards before Chrysalis cut him off.
"Then we'll see who outnumbers who!"
Discord flopped down the cards, showing two nines and a four. "And you think that your new changelings won't see how the old ones live? And betray you immediately?"
Chrysalis didn't have an answer for that one.
"Your kind of changelings are gone and never will be again. And you don't have any revenge to take. What does that leave you?" Discord's voice dripped with oil as he set his trap. His body contorted, wrapping around Chrysalis like a snake. He put his words right into her ears. "Just trying to satisfy your hunger? Sneaking around Equestria for the rest of your life, ambushing ponies in alleyways to take their love? Roaming around to feed and running away when somepony gets too close?" He pulled back to be once more face to face with her, and his eyes narrowed threateningly - but glimmered with mischief all the same. "Sounds less like a Queen and more like a wild animal. A scavenger." He paused for just long enough. "Prey."
The former Queen recoiled when the word struck her. "Changelings are not prey!"
Lazily, Discord meandered away from her and plucked a cookie off of the nearby bush it was growing on. "I've learned quite a lot about animals over the years running the Sanctuary. We both know I'm right."
He was, and they did. Chrysalis deflated to the picnic blanket. "So that's your pitch for me to accept friendship? That I have nothing, and I am nothing? That everything has been taken from me and all I have left is either friendship or annihilation." There was silence for a few moments before she added, "This approach of yours is far more depressing and has fewer balloons than I expected."
And then Discord smiled. "You haven't lost everything. Come! Come come!" He clapped his hands, signalling the changeling to rise. And then with a snap? They were gone.
She recognized the stone around them as the Hive - but nothing else. All the rest had changed dramatically in the time since she had last seen the Badlands. It couldn't even be called the Badlands anymore, and she doubted it was. Outside there were rolling hills of verdant greenery, tall willowy trees and a riot of spring flowers.
It made Chrysalis a little ill.
Discord didn't care in the least and clapped his claws to beckon her. "This way! This way! Pick up those hooves, I need you right over...." He snapped, teleporting Chrysalis two yards to the side. "Here."
Then she looked into her own eyes.
Draconequus laughter echoed alongside the changeling shriek. "That was even better than I hoped for!" Discord's sides split, popping out two more of him that joined in the hilarity.
"What is this?" The shock had passed into disbelief, and the former Queen could only look in confusion of a statue of herself.
"Some kind of a shrine," Discord explained with a dismissive wave. The two of him who had split off moved to the side, drawing Chrysalis' attention to the other statues in the somber hall. There were only two she recognized - one, the traitor Thorax; the other, the pipsqueak dragon Spike. A dozen or so of others stretched out, each carved by delicate hooves, set on low pedestals and surrounded by a litter of candle wax and dried-out flowers. "The changelings honor their greatest heroes here."
"You said history didn't even include me anymore." She was confused for certain - leery, as well. A shrine? Unexpected.
Discord snapped his claw once more, and a gust of wind swept debris and corrosion from the plaque on her statue. "Most don't. But your descendants call you Broodmother. The Queen who made the Hive survive when they had no other way." He paused to let that sink into her chitin. "They consider you a figure of reverence and pity. A leader who became a monster to help her people survive, and had to be left behind because you couldn't stop."
The draconequus turned to the changeling. "This is what you haven't lost. You still have a legacy that you can choose to change."
"I... I could conquer the Hive again," Chrysalis hesitantly threatened. "Use that legacy to take over and ravage pony lands. Destroy everything you and yours hold dear."
"You could," he agreed. A snap and the gentle clink of glass on stone as the bottle of love from tea appeared. "There's enough in there to last you around a month, if you're not as greedy as usual. The window over there leads out into open fields. Normally you would be meeting King Plumose right now, but oh my." Discord glanced at a watch displaying Greek letters rather than numbers. "I seem to have told him the wrong time and he won't be here for another ten minutes."
His yellowed eyes turned to the changeling that was once a Queen. "There was my chance, and now here's yours. Use it well, Chrysalis."
And with a snap, he was gone.
"And then what happened? Then what happened?" The nymphs and grubs practically scrambled over each other to hear more of the story.
"And then," the pink-on-green changeling said, "The Broodmother was still there when the King arrived in the hall. The two talked, and she came into the Hive."
One of the more rambunctious grubs waved a hoof in the air wildly. "What color did she turn?"
The crowd's babysitter shook her head. "The Broodmother didn't. She spent the rest of her days in the form of a changeling of old, being given the filia of the Hive around her. They say she never shared it because she wouldn't move on from the old traditions of her time." She paused before adding a half-whisper. "I think she didn't because she wanted to do penance for the bad things she did, and thought she didn't deserve to escape the hunger."
Another young grub piped up. "Did she ever do what she said and try to take over?"
"She did. Twice. And the Caretaker was correct - no changeling would join her, and her new children chose the Hive's way over hers." The older changeling smiled a sad smile. "But she was forgiven, because every changeling understood. It was part of what she sacrificed to help our ancestors survive."
The youngest of the grubs spoke next - barely more than a nymph, voice quiet and muted. "Was the Broodmother really a hero?"
Leaning over, the babysitter caressed the little one's cheek. "She was. And that's the point of this story. Just like any one of us could become a hero, every hero is also one of us. They make mistakes and sometimes do things that are wrong. And sometimes they have to make sacrifices that hurt themselves to help us all."
The youngest looked pensive - but the first excited one clamored over her to ask another question. "So what happened to her?"
"The Broodmother lived as part of the Hive." It was a rather short summary for a long life. "She caused trouble for the three different Kings she lived through, but she also brought knowledge to the Hive that we had lost. History from the earliest changelings and understanding about ourselves. Magic, too, that our people had lost. The Broodmother was not a nice changeling - but she was still a changeling."
The unicorn levitated the brochure-slash-map a bit higher. "Oh, and then there's this one. I think it's titled Young And Old."
His partner came over, bringing the camera to bear on the statue rather than the sloths. "It's pretty macabre. Maybe it's here as some kind of contrast? Cute fuzzy animals and a frightening statue?" The camera flashed, grabbing pictures from a few angles. "The filly's really lifelike, too."
The first looked the statue over a second time. "It's probably something from a donor that they can't get rid of because of the bits involved. Come on, the Caretaker said they had a family of jackalopes that just had a new litter. We really have to see that."
The stone cracked and fell away from the old centaur, and he let out a deep sigh. Even before he had been sealed up, Tirek had looked tired. What would come next, he knew, would tire him out even more. "So what did she choose?" He needed to know the answer. It had been bothering him for.. how ever long it had been.
Discord stuck a little cardboard stick in his mouth, and pulled out the whole lollipop. "She never gave up wearing black, if that's what you're asking." The centaur looked smug for just a moment, and then Discord crushed it again. "She did spend the rest of her life with those colorful children of hers, though."
Frowning, Tirek looked off into the distance. "It's been that long, then. Time seems distorted in the stone. I would swear your conversation with Chrysalis was only a few days ago."
"Mmm. A skosh longer than that." Discord waved the lollipop at Tirek vaguely. "I suppose it does make things a bit odd, but I've never been particularly in favor of time being linear to begin with."
Tirek sighed. "So much time lost, and all so you can divide and conquer."
"Divide and--" The lollipop hit the grass, and Discord finally rose from the bench he had been laying on. "I'm sorry, but you seem to have me confused with anyone else. Do you know why I didn't simply unpetrify you all at once? It's because dealing with the three of you at the same time is infuriating! That's why I kept ditching you as Grogar! Ugh, you're like children. Even the ones of you who actually are." He meandered over to Tirek, sneering with disdain. "Keeping track of all three of you for years at a time would be actual work, and I have enough of that without foalsitting. One at a time is plenty for my patience, thank you very much."
In return, Tirek crossed his arms and smirked. "And the Lord of Chaos actually admits there's something he isn't capable of. I never thought I'd see the day you had personal growth."
Discord's fingers came together, and he stopped himself only just before snapping. No. No, he told himself. Don't be baited by Tirek. Again. "Tsk tsk." The paw instead waggled a scolding finger at the centaur. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, and I won't get fooled again." There was an abrupt and distant cry of Bulk Biceps' ghost shouting "YEAH!" in the background.
A still-smug Tirek rolled his eyes. "Amusing. Now can we get on with this?" He lifted his hand to inspect his nails. "I assume you're going to offer me the same thing you did Chrysalis. Listen to your pitch, and then I'm free to go?"
"It did work rather well last time," Discord admitted.
"Excellent! Then we can skip the formalities and you can just let me leave. I want nothing to do with this wretched land anymore." Tirek remained quite placid - he'd obviously had time to plan and think this through while he was trapped in stone. "Equestria is still brimming with magic, but it's far too much effort. After being trapped in Tartarus twice and once in stone, I'm ready to cut my losses. No amount of magic is worth having lost this many centuries of freedom."
For a moment, Discord was stunned mute. He hadn't been expecting a reaction like this. Tirek had him on the back foot - and the worst part is that the offer sounded tempting. It would get rid of the centaur more or less permanently. But that wasn't what he'd promised Twilight he would do. And Fluttershy would be disappointed in giving up so easily.
Also, Discord didn't trust Tirek at all.
So he pulled out a thick book labelled The Rules and examined it through his reading glasses. "I'm afraid that isn't how this works. The rules are very specific that I have to try and show you the Magic of Friendship first." A tiny rainbow arched across the top of the glasses, right before Discord put them away again. "You don't get to skip to B without going through point A."
The response was a frustrated groan, as if Discord were telling an overgrown child no dessert until after dinner.
He snapped, and they were gone.
Draconequus and centaur walked side by side through the orchard. Ponyville was growing again - but Sweet Apple Acres had eternally been the western border of the town. A few farmhands were at work, but paid the pair little mind. Discord was a familiar enough face around town and Tirek's infamy had long since faded into obscure history.
Little mind save for the glaring at Discord when he filched an apple off a tree while they walked.
"This is probably where you're going to try and tempt me with love or candy or something, isn't it?" Tirek lazed alongside his captor, exuding boredom. "Because that's not going to get you very far."
Discord popped the core out of the center of the apple and munched on it. "No," he admitted with a full mouth. "I didn't intend to bother." The rest of the apple was tossed away. "I understand that sort of thing holds no value to you. You ate a face-full of Weaponized Friendship already and it didn't alter your tune - there's no amount of cupcakes that can change your mind at this point. Though I'm sure there are a few ponies who would certainly give it their all to try. It would be funny to see you subjected to weeks of parties and cheer, unable to do anything as they tried to befriend you as hard as they could. But. In the end, that would just waste both of our times."
Meanwhile, as Discord rambled on? Tirek had moved a bit away from him. There was a rather pre-occupied unicorn farmhand tending to the trees, and a bit of a pick-me-up after centuries in stone sounded wonderful. So while the draconequus was distracted, Tirek edged closer, opened his mouth and--
Fell to the ground in a spasming mess.
Discord sighed dramatically and waved the stun-gun at the centaur. "I was wondering when you were going to try that."
Slowly, Tirek found his hooves. "Yes, well, you can hardly blame me for trying."
"Actually, I can and must point out that trying to consume passers-by is terribly un-Friendship-y." Another tiny rainbow sprouted between Discord's claws. "Now as I was saying - I've had the hardest time trying to figure out if you were even worth trying this with." He barked a sour laugh. "Honestly, you're half of the seven sins in a smug scarlet package. Also you keep treating everypony around you like energy drinks."
Tirek crossed his arms and turned away. "I know what I want out of life and I'm not afraid to get it. What's wrong with that? Your pony friends usually see that as a virtue."
"They're generally not jerks about it," Discord observed ironically. "I think you walked into your problem, though." He suddenly crashed through a panel of drywall that had THE POINT painted across it in stark black letters. "What you want out of life."
Discord snapped again, and the pair vanished from the orchard.
Harsh winds full of sand blew across the desolate landscape. Rocky, sparse and quite familiar to Tirek. He had journeyed across it to arrive in Equestria the first time.
"You can go," Discord pronounced.
And Tirek hesitated. "So you're giving up? And sending me back to my father's kingdom where I came from? Your point A wasn't your A game, it seems."
The centaur's skin crawled when he turned back and saw Discord smiling with far too many teeth. "Not your father's kingdom, Tirek. Not anymore. It's been almost two thousand years, remember. It's your brother's kingdom now."
"...Scorpan's."
"Yup!" Discord gleefully showered them both with confetti. "Long live the new king! Relatively new, of course." Several cheerful party horns went off in Tirek's face. "While you were imprisoned one time or another, your father passed his kingdom on! And since you were busy being a horrible criminal locked away forever, he made your brother king! Doesn't that just beat all!"
Tirek took a long, deep breath. "This changes nothing. Now instead of overthrowing my father, I'm overthrowing my brother to take what is rightfully mine." He chuckled darkly. "And you should be enough power to get me it!" His mouth opened, sucking the wild chaos magic from Discord and--
He fell to the ground in a twitching heap.
Discord - wholly unharmed - dusted himself off and handed a carrot to the small white rabbit with the stun-gun. "Thank you, Jophiel. I knew that was going to happen sooner or later."
The heap of centaur groaned in frustration at falling for the same gag a second time.
Quite pleased with himself, Discord leaned over Tirek. "Now that we're done with that, we're done here. You'll stay out of Equestria, and you go free." He patted the centaur's head. "Good luck stealing enough magic to beat your brother!" Then he and the rabbit were gone.
Lord Tirek stumbled across the near-lifeless plain. Once more, he had been repulsed at the border of his brother's kingdom. Once more, he'd challenged him and failed. Once more, he didn't have enough magic and struck out again to find new sources.
Once more, he found a draconequus lounging in an inflatable kiddie pool waiting for him. "Seventh time wasn't the charm, huh?"
A weak bolt of energy punctured the pool and drained its water across the rocky ground. Discord, as per usual, pouted. "Spoilsport. Really, I give you credit for not giving up but even your hard head must be realizing by now you're not winning this one."
Tirek slumped to the ground. "I just need to find a bit more power next time. I'm almost there. I've just got to be patient."
"Said that two other times already," Discord helpfully noted as he folded up the water from the pool.
Snarling, Tirek glared. "I thought you said you were going to leave me alone?"
"I said you were free to go. I never said I wasn't going to keep tabs on you." Fishing into a hole in timespace, Discord pulled out a large tally board. He marked off Tirek's seventh attempt as a failure, causing Discords #17, 8 and π to lose in the betting pool. "We're not talking about me, though. This whole intervention is about you, Big Red. Because you're not getting any younger, and you're not winning any thrones like this. I think we both know what you need."
Discord leaned in closely to Tirek's ear and whispered a single word. "Help."
And the centaur pulled back with wide eyes. "...I don't believe it. No, I refuse to believe it!" Clamboring to his hooves, he stared at the draconequus. "This was your plan all along! This was your pitch! You didn't really let me go free, it was just a long con!"
Twenty-some Discords started applauding. "Bravo! And he finally realizes what's actually going on! It only took him... how many years?" One of the side Discords whispered something in his ear. "Oh dear, that is quite a long time. And I thought you were smarter than that. Really, I did!"
"So all of this. Telling me that my brother had become king. Setting me to attack him. Exiling me from Equestria. Letting me siphon magic from dozens of towns for years. It was all to teach me friendship?" Tirek gawked - and then wildly batted at the air to disperse the rainbow that appeared when he said the f-word. "Have you lost your mind?!"
Discord opened up his head with a snap to show the brain. "Nope, right here!" Then he smiled. It was that particularly smug grin he had when he knew he'd won. "You can't do it on your own, Tirek. And you can't simply find a co-conspirator like Chrysalis. They'll just betray you again. The only way you'll ever gain a kingdom is with a friend."
Crossing his arms, Tirek pouted. "Well, what if I don't want to."
"Then don't! And give up your primary character motivation for the last several centuries!" The concept of that alone made Discord laugh.
He closed the distance with the old centaur, putting a claw on his shoulder. "Tirek, that's been the secret this whole time. You and I both know you're perfectly capable of friendship. You're greedy, egotistical, vain and childish."
"Look who's talking," Tirek mumbled.
Discord ignored him. "But you're not stupid, and you're not a monster like those other two."
Tirek rolled his eyes sarcastically.
"They are!," Discord insisted. "Chrysalis certainly was and you know all children are demons."
Tirek.... waggled his hand back and forth non-noncommittally. He couldn't argue.
A large rock-candy table appeared in front of them, a massive map etched on the surface. "You can choose, Tirek. You've got that luxury. You're like me - you might not know much about friendship, but you're as capable of it as anything else you do." Reaching out, Discord tapped a talon on the map. "Here. It's a long ways to the south-west, but if you go here? There's a city-state ruled by someone I think you would get along with. The two of you together could create something far more than just a small city."
Scratching his bearded chin, Tirek considered. "Well, you are right, I'm not getting anywhere like this. I guess it couldn't hurt to try things your way and see how they pan out. At worst I can just drain the entire city and keep going from there." He thought for a moment more before nodding to himself. "I don't suppose you could get me over to this city, hm?"
And with another toothy grin, Discord shook his head. "Part of the path to redemption is walking a thousand miles in someone else's horseshoes." He snapped - and disappeared.
The quartet of bright pink inflatable horseshoes that were now on Tirek's feet did not.
They also squeaked with each step.
Tirek let out a long, undignified sigh of defeat.
"Ambassador Persnickey, your Highness," announced the door guard.
Princess Twilight Sparkle nodded slightly - then smiled to one of her most faithful dignitaries. "Ambassador! Wonderful, you're back sooner than expected. I hope that means good news."
Coming before the throne, the ambassador bowed. "It does, Princess. My negotiations with the Raja of Ghoda will be in the usual report, but I know one conversation will be of particular interest to you."
"About Lord Tirek," Twilight surmised. Not that it took much - keeping tabs on the villain in the distant land had been a priority for many years.
"Thakur Tirek," the ambassador corrected. "He took on the local superlative some time ago. As per your instructions, I made sure to be present when the... other delegation arrived."
Twilight pursed her lips to a thin line. That Persnickey was here with good news meant that things had gone well, but she still couldn't shake the traces of worry. After all, she had coordinated what could easily have turned into regicide.
The ambassador continued in spite of her internal concerns. "And while it was tense to begin with, I did take this picture." His aura floated over a photograph to Twilight - one of Tirek embracing Scorpan in the lavish throne room. The thin line turned to a broad smile. "Tirek, as predicted, made clear he was satisfied with the kingdom he shares. He said, and I quote--" Persnickety cleared his throat before reading from his notes. "'Why would I give up what I've built here just to start all over again? I have my looks, I have my companions and I have my kingdom." The unicorn looked up with a little smile. "At which point the Raja cut in and the two had a friendly argument about just which one of them was really in charge."
Smiling more, the Princess let out a deep-held sigh. "It sounds like things worked out just fine."
"They did, didn't they?" Discord's long neck craned over the throne from behind. Several nobles and dignitaries in the room startled. None of the guards nor the Princess did. "Go on. Go on, say it!" Discord prodded the Princess eagerly.
With good-natured reluctance, Twilight said it. "You did well, Discord. It was the right call to send Tirek there."
And the smug draconequus draped himself across the floor in front of Twilight. "I knew it would be. They needed someone powerful to protect them from those troublesome desert monsters, and he needed someplace to feel accomplished and respected." He pulled a diagram from above with a pyramid labeled Needs Hierarchy. "Once old Muscle Mass had his ego satisfied, he could move forward."
"It was still risky," Twilight observed. "You handed Tirek an entire kingdom and set him up to take another if he wanted. But it all worked out in the end."
"Which is what I knew all along. You're welcome."
Laughing, Twilight gave her old friend a playful shove. "Do you think you're ready for her, then?"
Discord didn't speak his answer. He just smiled.
The cluster of foals played around the statue - but none of them dared to even touch the plinth. Everypony knew it was cursed.
Long, long ago - even before grandparents! - there had been a filly who was naughty. She had done everything she was told not to, like staying up after bedtime and not doing her homework. Because she had been so bad, her parents hadn't loved her enough. So one day she had snuck into the Sanctuary when she wasn't supposed to and played with animals that were in the places foals weren't supposed to go. The next morning, the Caretaker found her in the cockatrice pen as a statue! And because her parents didn't love her because she was too naughty, they kept her that way so show all the other little foals that they should be good.
That was before any of the foals playing could remember, though. Even before Spark's older brother Taffy was born! So, like, at least ten years!
They said that if any foal touched the statue, the stone filly would whisper in their ears and teach them how to do naughty things. Because she was lonely and wanted to make other foals bad so they would be turned to stone too!
So everypony stayed away from the plinth and the naughty filly in the stone.
Because they were good ponies. Which they knew, because the Caretaker had said so.
The last of the stone cracked away, releasing the small pegasus filly. She dropped to the plinth and into a pile of pillows that had been prepared for this moment.
In a panic, she scrambled to her hooves and attempted to take off. Approximately six feet later the dog's leash she was tied with ran out of space and brought Cozy Glow back to the ground.
Patiently, Discord waited for the panic to pass and his last charge to get a hold of herself.
Her rapid panting gradually slowed - and she spun around to him with wide eyes and an innocent smile. "Oh dear! Why did a cute lil' filly like me get left by a mean ol' draconequus like you for so long?" She batted her eyelashes, hoping that someone else was nearby to defend her against Discord.
There was not.
Discord was more than happy to respond, however. "Oh! I know this one!" He reached into the air and pulled down a chart. It handily organized things on a moral scale with Discord at the top, Princess Twilight right below him, and then a long list. Cozy Glow herself was at the very bottom, ranked right under Pinkie Pie's Baked Bads. "It's because you're the worst!"
Predictably, Cozy Glow's saccharine expression morphed into wild-eyed anger. "The worst? How am I the worst, you dumb old goat?"
"Because you're a pony." Discord teleported a few feet away, picking up the end of the leash. "Chrysalis was a monster who led a race of emotion-consuming habitual liars. Tirek was a musclehead who's closest buddy was his brother a thousand years before. But you?" He jerked the leash, pulling Cozy to him. The filly hovered eye to eye with the draconequus. "You're a pony. You were born into friendship. You spent your entire life surrounded by it and understanding it. Unlike those other two, you rejected it." Discord released the leash and dispelled it with a snap. "That's why you're the worst. They were ignorant - you chose this."
Cozy stared at Discord for a few long heartbeats. Then - her lower lip trembled. And she burst into tears. "But-- but-- but you make it sound like I'm evil or somethin'!" She snuffled loudly, cowering on the pillow-covered plinth. "I'm just--"
"An innocent little filly who never learned better and needs a helping hoof to blah blah blah blah." Discord held up a poorly-made Cozy Glow sock puppet to mimic her sob story. "But on the plus side, that's why this is going to be the easy one. You already know friendship so I just have to show you it's value! Plus I already know all your tricks."
A sly little smile crossed Cozy's lips. "Not aaaaaall of them."
Discord squinted at the tiny pegasus.
"I mean, um." Cozy Glow beamed. "I can hardly wait for you to teach me about friendship, Mister Discord!"
"You're not fooling me one bit." The draconequus glowered at her.
Cozy Glow smiled impossibly wider and fluttered her eyelashes at him.
"....Fine, we'll start." And then - he snapped.
"Your problem," Discord commented as they crossed the town, "Is that you understand friendship but you only see how it benefits you. It's a tool to get what you want, and you don't care about what happens to or what it costs others."
Cozy flitted alongside him, simply looking confused. "So you brought me to... a book store?"
Discord waggled a finger. "Not just any book store."
The bell over the door rang as they entered - and a half-dozen others looked their way. The group was clustered around the table with a pile of books and papers. The gang's leader peered up from behind a cardboard barrier that proudly displayed the Ogres & Oubliettes logo and squinted at Cozy. "Discord, when you said you were bringing something small? I didn't think you meant somepony small."
"Ah ah! You know you're not supposed to call me Discord." He reached down and yanked upwards - pulling off the draconequus skin to reveal the green tunic and blonde hair underneath. "But Captain Wuzz the XVIIth admits that he may have mis-spoke slightly."
Cozy Glow gawked in disbelief that this was actually Discord's plan.
"So my character's name is Princess Pricilla Rosegold, and she's a half-griffin half-hippogriff who's five hundred years old and--"
The teenage mare sitting on Cozy's other side leaned over. "You're a level one bard."
Cozy pouted.
"And now that I've incapacitated the rest of the party, I swear fealty to the commander of the Kraken Guard in exchange for the gold and access to the Sphere of Nightmares!" Cozy continued to beam happily, even after having betrayed the entire rest of the table to their arch-nemesis.
The party was silent, unsure at first how to respond to the new player at the table doing this. Then, they understood. And as a group they all turned and glared at Discord.
Sheepishly, the flaxen-haired draconequus shrugged and shrunk into his chair. "Um. Oops?"
"Okay," Discord admitted as they walked away from the game store, "Maybe cooperative non-zero-sum games wasn't the best way to start."
Despite the catastrophe of an O&O session they had just endured, Cozy still seemed quite pleased with herself. "Gee Mister Discord, I didn't think it went that badly."
"They banned me for a month," Discord sourly noted.
"And not a year!" Cozy cheerfully no-sold Discord's angry glare. "I'm sure you'll have fun when you get back there. Anyway, bye!" And she flapped away.
She made it about twenty feet before Discord used a giant magnet to pull her back. "And just where do you think you're going?"
The mask cracked again as Cozy raged. "Oh come ON! You told the other two that after you made your attempt they could go free! So I'm leaving! And you can't stop me!"
Discord glanced from Cozy over to the magnet that was holding her and back again. "Yes I can," he confirmed. "And I'm not done with you." Then Discord tapped his chin in thought as Cozy flailed and swore and struggled. "How can I show you that you should work together with others and not just use them for personal gain. So maybe if I... Oh yes, let's start with the basics."
In a snap, the two were in a plain beige room with no features beyond a chair for Cozy, a panel with two buttons and a small slot in the wall.
"Now I'll make this quick since I can already feel this room eating my soul." Discord pointed to the buttons and their labels of TRUST and BETRAY. "This is a classic called The Prisoner's Dilemma that Twilight's lectured about too many times. You have those two buttons, and somepony in the other room has an identical pair. Each round, you pick one without knowing what the other is picking. If you both pick Trust, that slot over there? You each get a piece of candy. If you Betray and they Trust? The one that Betrays gets two and the Truster gets none. If you both Betray, nopony gets anything." A shudder ran across Discord's body as the room's bland mundanity started to dis-incorporate small parts of his chaotic form. "I'll be back in an hour, bye!"
"One hundred and thirty seven times," Discord said with disbelief. "You chose Betray one hundred and thirty-seven times in a row."
Cozy popped another butterscotch candy into her mouth. "Yuppers! And the other pony kept choosing to Trust me!" Even with her childish mask on, she couldn't fully hold back an evil chuckle.
"Twilight insisted this was basic math. That anypony with even the slightest bit of intelligence would see that both choosing Trust was the only long-term viable option." Discord could feel himself crumbling, and not just because of the room.
"Well," Cozy helpfully pointed out, "That just meant I could rely on the other pony to pick Trust so I could win the most." She dug briefly in her candy pile before finding another peppermint and tossing it aside. "Besides, why did you think this was gonna be good to teach me about friendship, Mr. Discord? I can't be friends with somebody I don't know and can't communicate with." She jovially held a piece of her candy pile out to offer Discord - it was black licorice.
Slumped over in the palace's kitchen, Discord cradled his tea. Singing ginseng - he needed the comfort. "I just don't understand why it's not working, Twilight. Cozy Glow was supposed to be the easy one. Everypony kept saying that she's just a foal and misguided. Even I thought it wouldn't be this hard - she gave up friendship, so it shouldn't be too hard for her to take it back. I just needed to find something to show her that she could get those rewards by working with friends instead of using them."
Twilight sipped her cocoa. She knew she had to listen to Discord and help him through this, because otherwise he wouldn't get out of her kitchen and let her go to bed. "And it isn't so easy."
"No," was the gloomy response. "It really isn't."
"So you're saying that six different actors of yours all broke limbs in freak accidents, leading to Cozy Glow performing all of the play's roles herself? And that then she hired a lawyer to get the pay for all the different parts?"
"How could she bet against the buckball team she was playing for? They're not even professionals! She's a foal, why did anypony let her gamble in the first place?"
"And while Cozy was acting as the teacher's assistant, she swayed the students to her side, promised them rewards and overthrew the teacher? She led a proletarian revolution in a schoolhouse?"
"It really, really isn't." The Lord of Chaos fell back onto a vintage fainting couch that gave Twilight a nostalgic pang. "The worst part is that every time I think I'm making some progress, it turns out to be one of her plans! I thought I could see them coming, but she blindsides me every time!" A train roared in out of nowhere, slamming into Discord while he wasn't looking.
The Princess sipped her cocoa. "I understand, Discord. I really do. What you're going through now is a lot like what I did when Cozy was at the School. I tried everything - all of the girls did. But none of us were able to get through to her, and that's how we got to this sad state."
It was quiet in the kitchen, and for a moment Twilight hoped Discord was done. Then his head turned into a lightbulb. She shielded her eyes with the mug.
"I think I get it," he proclaimed. "And it means Tirek was right!"
Twilight reached out with her magic and turned Discord's head off so she could see again. "You're going to have to explain that one."
Cheerfully, Discord snapped and turned into an off-color copy of Tirek. "And the Lord of Chaos actually admits there's something he isn't capable of. I never thought I'd see the day you had personal growth." Then he was himself again in a snap. "Do you remember when you freed me, Twilight? And tried to teach me friendship? You couldn't. Celestia and Luna couldn't. Your friends couldn't." An involuntary smile came to Discord's snaggletoothed lips. "Only Fluttershy could."
The Princess considered - then nodded. "You can't do it."
Discord smirked. "But I know who can."
It was a statement on how things were going that Cozy Glow was looking outright smug as they walked through the halls of Canterlot Castle. She didn't even feel the need to put on her cutesy game face anymore.
If she had been smarter, the fact that Discord looked just as smug would have been a tip-off.
Passing by the guards, Discord led the little filly into a disused hallway. One without ornamentation and ending abruptly in a rather solid door. Whatever was behind it pulsed gently with hints of magenta light. And the draconequus smiled. "Here we are. Last stop."
Only at that moment did Cozy's self-superiority crack. Her expression faltered before - true to herself - she put on her best look of innocence. "Golly Mister Discord, what do you mean by that?"
Discord leaned in, putting his face right up to hers. "This is is where we part ways, Cozy. I've gone as far as I can and I've failed. You've got a choice - go back into stone, or go through that door. Princess' orders."
Cozy didn't hesitate this time and flew off as fast as she could. Like every other time she'd attempted it, she didn't get far. Cause of capture this time: butterfly net. She cowered in it as Discord pulled her back. "W--w--what's through the door?"
"Far better than you deserve." Discord plopped her out of the net and pulled out a weird-looking mechanical gadget. He pointed it down the hallway away from the door - it beeped rapidly and loudly. Then at the door - and it was silent. "Through there is just the sort of world you tried to create with your little stunt, Cozy. One without magic. I've got a friend there who can help you - someone who understands you and might be able to do what I can't." He paused. "The downside is that this is one-way for you. If you go through, you don't get to come back to Equestria. But that might be a good thing."
He opened the door to a blinding magenta wall of energy. Cozy looked at the draconequus and considered her options. Only one had any appeal - and so she gloomily flitted through the doorway.
Slowly, Cozy Glow rose up again. Everything felt so weird. Passing through that door made it feel like her entire body had been yanked and pulled and shifted in ways that weren't painful but certainly weren't pleasant.
That thought processed just enough for her to open her eyes and look at her hooves. Which weren't hooves anymore. A scream of terror rose in Cozy's throat - and was only stopped because somepony spoke up first.
"Hey."
The filly looked up to the speaker, even as fear rampaged through her. It was some sort of weird minotaur - bipedal and freakish - who was leaning over her. An amber claw (?) reached down to Cozy.
Cyan eyes in a flat face framed by red-gold hair peered down to her. "You must be Cozy Glow. Hi - I'm Sunset Shimmer."
Cozy looked at the claw and at the one at the end of her own foreleg. "Are you my jailor?"
And Sunset Shimmer shook her head. "No. I'm someone who was a lot like you once. And hopefully your friend."
"Mail call, your Highness."
Princess Twilight nodded, taking the envelopes and package in her magic. Most were set aside - some for official action, others to give an autograph or two - but the package was a priority. She recognized the return address (not necessary but certainly cheeky) as being on the other side of the mirror portal.
Tearing away the brown paper, Twilight found the latest gift from her friend: a Canterlot High yearbook.
On page 53 was the picture she had been hoping to see. The Canterlot High Big Brothers/Big Sisters club. And sitting on the right side of the group was Sunset Shimmer beside a smiling pale pink girl with baby-blue ringlets. Under that was written in red pen: 'Second chances aren't easy, but they are worth it'. And in red and blue they had signed - Sunset + Cozy Shimmer.
Princess Twilight Sparkle allowed herself a minute of quiet, smiling tears.
"Dad?" The colt tugged at his father's saddlebag. "What's that statue supposed to mean?"
The stallion turned and smiled. "That, son? That one's titled Love Will Set You Free. It's the Caretaker's favorite."
Moving closer, the colt examined it. He didn't see anything to suggest freedom in it. It was just a pegasus mare laying curled up with the Caretaker, both of them asleep. "I don't get it."
Leaning close, father hugged his son. "Some day, I hope you will."
