> Liquid Facehoof > by TheMajorTechie > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- > I wrote part of this in the bathroom. > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, here we go again™. We'll open on a beautiful scene; birds are chirping in the bright morning sun of Ponyville. Ponies are going about their days, Fluttershy is tending the animals, Derpy is down in her nuclear bunker awaiting doomsday, and best of all, Spike is playing table tennis with Waluigi! But hold on, where is our ill-fated yet overly used protagonist, Twilight Sparkle? "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--" Twilight screamed in her usual screamy mcscream voice, prompting 32 avalanches to occur in some random broom closet. Poor janitor pony. He never saw the buckets coming. "What is it, Twilight?!" Spike yelled in response to Twilight's screaming about Spike's yelling about Twilight's screaming about Spike's yelling about Twilight's screaming about flaming bedsheets and garbage trucks. "Is something on fire? Oh wait, that's your bedsheets. You're welcome for that by the way." "WHY AM I A PONY?!" Twilight screeched, biting her hooves. "HOLY FLIPPIN' HAY I'M A PONY." You see, dear reader, Twilight has just pulled what some may call a "mid-life crisis". Though, given how the author still hasn't got even the foggiest idea of what's gonna happen next, let's just pretend that absolutely nothing has happened so far. Now, where's that button? Staples. That was easy. Found it! Twilight let out a chainsaw-themed snore. Three spiders crawled into her mouth over the course of half a minute. Don't tell Fluttershy that. Faraway in the distance, Spike slept atop his throne of his enemies the undead the infinity gauntlet Shrek's luscious bottom Rarity plushies his evil clone, Psike. Psike was a very evil dragon because evil dragons didn't like ponies and ponies didn't like evil dragons and so they had a big ol' freakin' war about it and stuff and then the fried chicken dealer came along and smited all of them because chicken nuggets are the best thing since crusty drywall. Boy, was that a mouthful. Of chicken nuggets. Have I mentioned that Psike is an evil dragon? Celestia sunbeamed Psike into smithereens because it was about time that old mare did something useful for once besides banishing folks to the moon. The place has a horrible sewage problem now. Like, you wouldn't believe how clogged the pipes up there are after a 1,000-year reign by Nightmare Moon. Apparently, Mario and Luigi's plumbing nightmare is reality in that place. What was this story about again? Oh yeah. Psike. Though Psike was an evil dragon who was now ashes, that tiny pile of Ash Ketchums collectively possessed by the soul of Psike decided to stage a coup. The pile of Ash(s) inched up to Twilight Sparkle's front doorstep while Derpy stocked up on Campbell's chicken noodle soup-scented soaps. "WE DEMAND THAT PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE HAND OVER THE KEYS TO REALITY!" the tiny Ashes collectively squeaked with the force of Psike's voice. "Okay, fine. See if I care," Twilight groaned, tossing the keys to reality out the window without a care. If it weren't for the fact that this story was rated-E, a different word might've been used just now. "QUICK, HOW DO WE ARTIFICIALLY INFLATE THE WORD COUNT?!" Spike yelled as the Psike Ash pile began to reform menacingly, "WE'RE BURNING THROUGH JOKES FASTER THAN JET FUEL MELTS STEEL BEAMS! WE MIGHT HAVE TO RESORT TO MEME REUSE!" "By Celestia's glorious technicolor nosehairs..." Rainbow Dash mumbled, pulling out a pair of equally-technicolor sunglasses, "I think we need to use 20% more memery to make this story 20% cooler." "That's not how this works, that's not how any of this works!" the lonely remaining scraps of logic in the author's mind wailed, "How does that even work in the first place?! Where'd that idea come from?!" "SILENCE, FOOL!" Psike roared, stuffing a cinnamon toast crunch square into Twilight's mouth even though she wasn't the one saying anything, "ON THE DAY THAT I RULE EQUESTRIA, ALL TUBES OF TOOTHPASTE WILL BE MANDATED TO HAVE A MINIMUM OF A SMALL SPOONFUL TO BE SMOTHERED ALL OVER EVERYPONY'S FACES AND THEN EATEN. TOOTHPASTE WILL ALWAYS BE CONSUMED IN SMALL AMOUNTS, JUST AS IT HAS BEEN FOR EONS IN MY REALM." "So... why are you evil anyway, Psike?" Spike asked, kicking a stone carelessly. Before Psike could reveal the answer to world peace, he was struck in the eyeball by the tiny grain of sand that was dislodged from the stone that Spike kicked, and for all we know, sand is probably Psike's one true weakness, setting into motion the most tragic anime death to ever grace history. "Yay. I did it." Spike cheered without actually cheering. Cheering was for losers who decided that being greatful for your own accomplishments was always a good thing. I mean, take a look at hi-- Alright, alright, let's get this story back on the twisty track of doom that it was already on earlier. "And that's what I call a real head turner," Luna laughed, completely cutting us out from whatever witty event had just happened moments earlier. "Tsk, tsk," Celestia shook her head, "at such a young age, too. What a waste for this to happen." "WAit dId sOMEpOny dI3?!?!" Kween Krispalisp hollered, slamming the doors open on all the guards' faces at the same time, "giMme ThE1r LOVe enErGY!!!1!!" "Oh boy, this again," Celestia sighed, "I'll get the bugswatter and pepper spray." Kween Krispalisp got smacked and sprayed by a skunk that day. Queen Crysalis doesn't want anything to do with Kween Krispalisp. Said something about her being the result of three quarters of a french fry doused inside a nuclear reactor and then yeeted through Shrek's toilet. "But wait," you may be asking, "Amidst all this chaos and confusion, where are our beloved grotesque portrayals of Flim and Flam?" And you are absolutely correct in asking such a question. After all, it'd be a shame if King Sombra decided to ditch his Minecraft merch to go back to Fortnite swag. He's such a creep(er). Aw man. But what if... just what if, Flim and Flaim were within us all along? "BUY THE BRAND-SPAKNIN' NEW HEART-BEATERRIFIC 6000!" Flim screeches, bursting out of your chest in a puff of confetti, "IT WAS TRUE! WE WERE WITHIN YOU ALL ALONG! WE WERE STUDYING HOW MUCH PROFIT... ER, HOW MUCH PROGRESS WE COULD MAKE IN DEVELOPING AN ARTIFICIAL HEART SYSTEM! SURE, WE'VE STOLEN YOUR REAL HEART, BOTH FIGURATIVELY AND LITERALLY, IN ORDER TO PROMOTE AND DEVELOP THIS INNOVATIVE PRODUCT, BUT IF YOU PAY THE MONTHLY SUBSCRIPTION FEE OF 36 EA LOOTBOXES PLUS A KIDNEY EVERY THREE MONTHS, YOU CAN GET NOT ONE, NOT TWO, BUT THREE HEART-BEATERRIFIC 6000s, ONE FOR YOU, ONE FOR YOUR MOTHER, AND ONE FOR POOR FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER SITTING THERE BEING SAD AND LONELY. THAT'S RIGHT, THREE HEART-BEATERRIFIC 6000s! IT'S A DEAL YOU'LL SIMPLY DIE FOR!" Hold on, which one was the deep one and which was insane? Eh, who cares. You'd probably best pay up or else your feels get it. Twilight facehoofed for no reason other than to justify the title of this story.