Hello, it’s your chaotic host, Discord! Feel free to stop by and watch the show Pinkie and I host, A Stupid Answer, where we answer the greatest mysteries of Equestria! Make sure to write plenty of letters asking about Equestria, NOT Pinkie and I.
Discord and Pinkie Pie both realise that the MLP fandom has a lot of unanswered questions about the universe the show is in. So they started producing a show to answer the life mysteries their world has to offer.
“Remember, this is all in fun, no need for real facts to be in the story!”
“Comment below what questions you have, and the author will get to them as soon as possible!”
...Pinkie, Discord, just... Please stop being in the description.
“Grumble mumble tumble fumble dumbbell Well you’re no fun.”
Discord grinned, leaning back in his ottoman chair as the lights came on, bathing him, his suit, the stage, and the desk above him in a neat glow.
“Welcome, everycreature, to the greatest show around, A Stupid Answer!” He yelled out in a cheerful voice. “I’m your host, Discord!”
“And I’m your other host, Pinkie Pie!” Pinkie cried out from her spot on a beach chair atop the desk.
“I’m sure you’re all curious why your original programming has been pre-ended-“
“One, who watches Oat Operas anymore? Second, that girl was TOTALLY gonna ruin the plot of season 6.” Pinkie said, cutting off Discord.
A bit worse for wear, Discord sewed himself back on with, “-and I’m certain you might be a bit mad about it... But who cares?! Let’s get on with this show!”
Pinkie cleared her throat and started speaking. “Now, I’m sure most of you already know how this goes(No you don’t, I’m just messing with you), but I’ll say it again for any new members we might have in the audience.”
Discord looked forward at the empty stands and shrugged.
“We, as your hosts, will draw random letters out of this bag,” Pinkie said, holding out a Mailmare bag. “And do some light investigations on what the answers are.” Pinkie paused for a second. “Or, you know, eat cupcakes and shred the letters.” She added, shrugging.
“Well, we best not keep the public from the truth now, right Pinkie?”
“Indeed, we best not! Sooo....”
”Let’s give A Stupid Answer!” The two yelled out together.
Pinkie pushed her hoof into the bag and moved it around a bit before pulling a blue envelope out.
“First off...” Pinkie opened it and glanced across the first page. “A question from Frazzle T. Dazzle!”
“Not that surprising, it’s the first chapter and he’s the annoying author.” Discord muttered.
“I heard that!!” A voice yelled from the rafters.
Discord shrugged in indifference. “So, what’s the first question, Ms. Pie?”
“*Ahem*’Dear Pinkie and Discord, why is there only one Changeling hive?’ Great question, Frazzle! Do you have any thoughts on this, Discord?”
Discord tapped his chin against the desk above him in thought. “Well, if I had to guess, I’d say that they’re part of a time loop where Changelings from the future sent a squad of Changelings to the past to kill Chrysalis before she became queen, but the time juices from the timestream made their commander go insane, infecting their localized hive mind, causing them all to have massive memory loss, leaving them with basic knowledge of Changeling abilities and an insane leader who later became Chrysalis, first queen of the first hive of Changelings.” Discord then shrugged. “But, meh, it’s just a guess.”
Pinkie gave him a hard stare, leaning over the desk towards Discord, before sproinging back to her spot on the Beach chair with a smile. “That sure is an interesting take on it! What brings you to this conclusion, Discord?”
“Cherry horse-apples negating generically expedient low intensity necromancer gold.” Discord said. “And your guess, Miz Pie?”
Pinkie went on like that for a few minutes before Discord slapped a talon over her mouth. Of course, this only muffled it.
“Uh... What an... Interesting theory, Pinkie... But why don’t we try something different?” Discord asked. When her muffled talking stopped, he tentatively removed the talon, throwing it to the side.
Pinkie tapped a hoof to her chin in thought. A light bulb went off over her head. “Well, why don’t we ask one of the hive what they think? Everyone, please give a big round of applause for Pharynx!”
A hole opened up in the ceiling while another opened in the floor. Pharynx came falling down from the top, and an easy chair shot up from the bottom, and they both softly met in the middle. The chair floated down to the stage as Pharynx sat in it, trying to recover from a spell(not the magic kind) of dizziness.
“Uuugh... What... What just happened?” He managed to get out.
“Why, hello and good evening, Pharynx!” Discord greeted, giving him a toothy smile. Pharynx was still too dizzy to grab it, so it dropped out of his hoof to the floor. “It’s so nice to have you on our show tonight!”
Pharynx looked up and around at the stage, the floating desk and Discord before summing up his thoughts.
“What.”
Pinkie stage whispered, “Just roll with it, this won’t be long!” to the Changeling.
Pharynx stared at her for a second before sighing in exasperation. “Fine... It’s... Nice to be here, Discord... Whatever reason I’m here for...”
“You’re here to answer one of life’s most profound mysteries...” Discord ominously stated.
“The thing nocreature knows, that eludes even the brightest of minds...” Pinkie continued.
Pharynx looked on with a slightly raised eyebrow. “What... What is this question?”
Pinkie Pie and Discord paused for a moment before speaking together.
“Why is there only one Changeling Hive?!” They shouted.
Pharynx stared in silent disbelief for a moment, before placing a hoof to his forehead. “You- You brought me out here, through some kind of magic portal, to a stage in a big giant room full of empty seats, to... Tell you why there’s only one Changeling Hive?”
Pinkie and Discord paused for a moment before looking at each other and back to the frazzled Changeling. “Yup, pretty much.” Pinkie said.
Pharynx lowered his hoof, glowering at them. “You could have just asked Thorax. I’m certain he would’ve been easier to get an answer out of.”
“Where’s the fun in that?! He’s one of the lead Changeling characters, you were in one episode! Why NOT ask you instead of him?” Discord exclaimed.
Pharynx sighed. “You’re gonna be disappointed by the answer.”
“Don’t care!”
“...Soooo? What’s the answer?” Pinkie asked.
“If rumors from the Hive are to be believed, we’re flies and spiders turned into sapient horse-bugs by a creepy pony’s tossed out Smooze-enhanced-love-potion.” Pharynx said.
Pinkie and Discord fell backward, stiff as boards, with their legs standing in the air.
“Can I go now?”
Up in the rafters, an author sneezed before shrugging and getting back to writing.
Discord and Pinkie stood on opposite ends of the desk as it floated into the middle of the room, Pharynx long since sent back home.
“Well, that was certainly a good way to start off the chapter. What’s next on the agenda?” Discord asked, sipping coffee.
Pinkie stuck her hoof into the mailmare bag and... Pulled out nothing.
“Huh, looks like there was only the one question.” Pinkie said.
Discord rolled his eyes. “Great, the Author’s leaving us high and dry with the first question. Why can’t he be creative.”
“You try writing this!” The voice from the rafters yelled.
“I would if I was six dimensional!” Discord yelled back.
Pinkie just looked between the two and shrugged. “Guess that’s it for this chap- Ah, Episode! Come back next week when we find out what we’re doing next!”
Discord grumbled a bit under his breath before sighing and giving a false smile. “Until the next stupid question is asked, this has been adieu!”
Light snoring could be heard as the lights came on, illuminating the stage. On it were two beds, one pink and the other a color that didn’t exist. Under the covers of the second one, Discord yawned as he slowly woke up.
“Ugh... Five more minutes... I was having the crazy dream about the boxes where people sit all day doing nothing again...” Discord mumbled.
In the Pink bed, an alarm went off and Pinkie shot out from under the covers, straight up in the air. “Yaaah~!”
She looked around frantically for a moment, then sighed in relief, gently falling back down to the bed.
“Phew! Those broccoli monsters were just a dream...” Pinkie said to herself.
Discord just buried himself deeper under the covers, adding a gravestone as an afterthought. “Go back to sleep...”
Pinkie was about to retort, but looked up and saw that the stands had a small crowd of ponies in them. “Uh, Discord? I think we have fans.”
There was a slight pause before a flash of light appeared, covering the whole stage. A moment later, Discord and Pinkie were in lawn chairs, both wearing matching orange suits.
“Huh...” Discord said, looking out at the stands. “And here I thought Frazzle couldn’t do anything right.”
Pinkie nodded. “Yup. His last three shows went, ‘Sputter, Wheeze, Hack, Cough~’ at him.”
“I CAN STILL HEAR YOU!!” A voice yelled from the rafters again.
Both shrugging, Pinkie and Discord turned back to to the audience, grinning like buffoons.
“Welcome back to the Multiverse’s favorite show, ‘A Stupid Answer!’” Discord exclaimed.
“Remember, we’re here to answer all the questions you might have about Equestria’s greatest mysteries!” Pinkie added. “And so...”
“LET’S GIVE A STUPID ANSWER!!” They yelled together.
Discord pulled a Mailmare bag out from under his chair and stuck a paw inside it. “Let’s see... Ooh, quite a few letters to look forward to shredding!”
Sticking the rest of his arm in for a moment, Discord pulled out an orange envelope from the bag. “Ah, just my color!” He said, holding it against his suit.
“I wonder if it’s cheese scented...” Pinkie muttered aloud.
Discord opened the envelope and pulled out the letter inside. “A letter from one ‘Orange Glass.’ ‘Dear Pinkie Pie and Discord, I have a few questions for you. Pinkie, how do you afford all the parties you make?”
“Weeelllllll...” Pinkie pulled a hoof-sized rock out of her mane. It looked like one you could find on the side of the road, as common as could be.
“In case you didn’t notice, I do have an abundance of Earth Pony magic...” Pinkie brought her hooves together around the rock, crushing it against itself.
“Which means I can do stuff like this!” After a few seconds, she pulled her hooves apart and she was holding a solid green gem, about half the size of the rock from before. “Ponies pay good money for these.”
“Eh, that’s just the mediocre answer.” She said, tossing the gem aside. “The fun one is that Ponyville is above the secret caves of the Party Elves, not to be confused with Saint Nickle’s Hearths Warming Elves.” Pinkie put a hoof to her chest in pride. “I happen to be one of their favorite customers, so I get everything they sell half off, and it’s already really cheap since they can magically make it out of rocks.”
Discord tapped a claw against his chin in thought. “Shouldn’t there be a trifecta of answers? Sets of three and all that?”
Pinkie sighed. “WELLL, the boring answer is that I invested in a big company that was just starting out, and get a big share of their profits.”
Discord gazed at her in horror. “You’re right, that IS the boring answer.” Pinkie nodded in agreement.
“So, what’s the question you’ve got?” She asked.
“Let’s see... ‘Dear Discord, what is your favorite chaos thing you do?’” He gave it a bit of thought, but the letter just threw that right back at him. Brushing it off, Discord said, “Nothing. What’s chaotic about having a favorite chaotic thing? I mean, come on, really? It’s none of them AND all of them.”
“Preach it, Brother!” Pinkie exclaimed.
“And so, with that answer out of the way, would you do us the honors of reading the last question, Ms. Pie?”
“Indeed I would! *Ahem* ‘And for both of you, what is your favorite song?’”
Pinkie and Discord stared at each other. “OUR favorite song?!”
“Well, I guess we’ll need to find something we agree on... Oh, how about the Discord meme?” Discord put on a pair of sunglasses with red frames. “‘Creeper... Aw, Man...’”
“Nah, too obvious. How about ‘Super-Speedy-Cider-Squeezy-6000?’”
“Eeugh, it’s WAY too catchy. Hmm... Oh, I just thought of something!”
“Wait... Do you mean..?” Pinkie asked hopefully.
“Indeed I do.” Turning back to the audience, he grinned a very wide smile, Pinkie doing the same on his right. “OUR, favorite song is...”
“I Am The Very Model Of A Modern Major General!” They sang out together.
And with that, the letter was shredded and they moved on to the next one.
Pinkie moved her hoof around in the mail bag for a bit before a *clunk* of metal was heard. Her interest suddenly very piqued, she pulled out a baking pan with a bunch of cookies on it.
“Huh...” She said, idly munching one of the cookies while comparing the pan’s size to the bag. “Must be a T.A.R.D.I.S.”
“What’s a T.A.R.D.I.S?” Discord asked, eating a cookie of his own.
“Totally A Randomized Dimensions Italian Satchel.” Pinkie said. “I mean, come on, look at that leather!” She gestured to the bag.
Discord nodded in agreement.
After they finished off the cookies, as Pinkie was setting the pan down, she saw a light brown envelope with dark brown dots on it.
“Ooh, clever!” She said, grabbing it.
“The things Ponies send in the mail, these days...” Discord deadpanned.
Pinkie opened the envelope and pulled out the letter. “One question from ‘Cookies.’ ‘Dear Discord and Pinkie, if Cozy's plans would have worked, would Discord have disappeared? (Or just describe what would have happened to some of the major locations)’”
Discord sighed. “Contrary to popular belief, I’m made of Chaos, NOT magic. At worst, all Cozy would’ve done is weaken me significantly, but I’d still be as chaotic as ever.” He said, munching on some spider webs.
“As for the major locations,” Pinkie continued, “Cloudsdale would have broken apart, Canterlot would’ve fallen over and the Everfree would be less wild.” She paused a moment. “That last one wouldn’t be that bad.”
“Next question!” Discord yelled, tossing the letter into the conveniently closely placed shredder.
As Discord stuck a claw into the bag, an envelope poofed into existence in front of his face, and just... Floated there, like an awkward turtle.
“Huh. That was random.” Discord shrugged. He grabbed the letter, tearing it open and retrieving the letter. “A letter from... ‘Chaos Tetroxide?’”
“Oh, you must mean ‘Chaos04.’” Pinkie said. “It’s a chemical that gives just the riiiiiight amount of ‘OOMPH’ into my party cannon.”
“Nice to see Chaos being used responsibly.” He looked back to the paper. “And writing letters, too. ‘Pinkie, why are you so random, it bugs me and I need answers, badly. Like, my mind doesn't fit every question of how you do the most random thing, and are you sure you're an earth pony?’ Well that’s rude. Not even a ‘Dear’ in there.” Discord huffed.
“Tell me about it.” Pinkie groaned. “Well, to answer your questions, Chaos, I am DEFINITELY an Earth Pony. I just have a lot of Earth Pony magic, so much so that I can bend physics into knots and slip through the holes.”
To demonstrate Pinkie bent the page.
“See? Just like that!” She finished.
Discord stared for a moment. “...I’m not entirely sure how you did that.” Shrugging, he turned back to the paper. “‘Discord,’(Again, no dear?) ‘how did you come to exist? Was Grogar the reason of you're existence? After all, he is the king of monsters. If not, who are your parents, and are there more draconiqui?’”
Discord sighed in exasperation. “Again, more questions about me? I mean, sure, I’m the best character, best princess, too, but really, you don’t want to know about the Panamane canal, or Zebrarea 51?”
“Not even Twilight’s love interest?” Pinkie gasped in shock. “Or the Cake’s super secret cupcake recipe?!”
“Ponies these days.” Discord said, rolling his eyes. “They never ask the important stuff.”
“JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION!” The voice from the rafters yelled again.
Discord threw a heavy sigh at the voice, eliciting an “Ow~!” from it, before continuing. “In answer to that question, I popped into existence out of a giant, magic infused crystal. Boy, were those cave-spiders surprised to see me.” Discord said, chuckling. He then threw the letter into the shredder. “Next!”
Pinkie shoved her head into the Mail bag, moving around and eliciting a lot of wacky noises from it. After a moment or two, she pulled it out, an oat burger in her mouth.
“Mmm~! Thi ih elly gud~!” She mumbled out.
Discord huffed. “Again with the food. You know this is meant for letters, right?” He said to the audience.
After finishing the burger off, Pinkie pulled an apple colored envelope out of her mane that had a smiley face on the front. “This was on top of the burger.” Tearing it open, she pulled the letter out. “This one’s from ‘Foodie Like.’ ‘Dear Discord and Pinkie Pie, how does Rarity afford all that fabric for her dresses?’ See, THIS is an original question.”
“Finally, something about some pony else.” Discord said with a grin.
“Hmm, let’s see... ‘How does Rarity afford all that fabric?’” Pinkie rubbed a hoof to her chin in thought. “Well, I’d assume it’s because she hunts for gems and crystals a lot, and can make quite the pretty bit off of them.”
“Maybe she has Fabric Elves?” Discord suggested.
“Nah, Elves are territorial, my Party Elves would’ve kicked them out of Ponyville.”
A lightbulb went off above Discord’s head. “Well, why don’t we pull a celebrity guest card, again?”
Discord snapped his fingers and a slide that looked like it was made of bendy straws twirled down out of the ceiling, a filly scream being heard from it.
As it finally reached the stage, Sweetie Bell tumbled out of the end, somersaulting to a stop in between Pinkie and Discord.
“....Please tell me this isn’t another ‘save Equestria’ thing.” She finally spoke out.
Pinkie waved her worries off with a carefree hoof. “Nah, it’s just mine and Discord’s new show, ‘A Stupid Answer!’ We brought you here because we need an answer to a stupid question.”
“And don’t worry, it won’t take relatively long.” Discord added. “After all, I don’t think we’re related.”
Sweetie looked between the two before shrugging and going along with it. “Okay, so what’s this ‘Important Question’ you want answered?”
“Stupid question, darling, a stupid question.” Discord retorted.
“And to answer your questioning question about a question of questioned importance and/or stupidity, we have the question of, ‘How does Rarity afford all that fabric for her dresses?’” Pinkie said.
Sweetie Bell rolled that around in her head for a moment before understanding the question. “Oh, that’s easy, she just makes a lot of money selling dresses. How else would she make a profit?”
Discord and Pinkie stared at each other for a moment before looking back to Sweetie. Without warning, Discord snapped his claws and Sweetie went in reverse, somersaulting backwards into the slide and sliding up it, the slide disappearing behind her.
“That was boring.” Discord grumbled.
Pinkie nodded, throwing the letter into the shredder. “Eeeeeyup.”
“That’s just about all the time we have! Thanks again for coming to see our show! Come back next week for a new chapter of ‘A Stupid Answer’ to begin!” Pinkie said.
“And remember to keep asking those Stupid Questions! You never know which one might make it in here!” Discord added.
Melodious music played as the lights slowly faded on in the room as Discord twirled onto the stage.
“The audience is alive, with the sound of questions~!”
Pinkie loudly coughed from the center of the stage, where she was sitting on a bar stool behind a counter.
“Actually, Discord, we didn’t really get a lot of letters since last episode.”
There was a moment of tense silence, before Discord, with angry eyes, snapped his fingers and appeared behind the counter, on a barstool to Pinkie’s right.
“Hmmph! Guess we’ll just have to satisfy ourselves with whatever dregs we have from the first one.”
“I don’t know... We DID get letters, though, but maybe we should try answering more of them? I mean, we only answered four last time.”
“To be fair, our editor was quite lazy in writing the chapter.”
“NOW YOU’RE JUST SAYING STUFF LIKE THAT ON PURPOSE!!” A voice yelled from the rafters.
“You better believe it!” Discord yelled back. Clearing his throat, Discord turned back to the audience. “Anyway, I’ll assume whoever’s stuck around actually likes this show and is interested in hearing what very different things exist in this wonderful world of ours.”
Pinkie, grinning, continued with, “Remember, we’ll try our best to accurately tell you what we know about Equestria.”
“Also, as you know, this is audience interactive, so please be sure to ask some of the tough questions.” Discord yawned, eating some mud pies. “And please do ask about somepony else besides me. Seriously, I know it’s hard to believe, but the universe revolves around somecreature else.”
“He’s right, the universe had a bad breakup with him a few thousand years back, so now it’s stiffly ignoring him.”
“You forget a couple dates, and suddenly you’re the ‘bad guy’...” Discord grumbled.
“Well, enough about him, let’s get on with the show!”
“Indeed we should! So now...”
“LET’S GIVE A STUPID ANSWER!” They yelled out together.
Pinkie pulled a variety of envelopes out of the Mailmare bag and started shuffling them.
Finally stopping, she pulled six out and set the others down. “Pick a card, any card!”
Rubbing his chin in thought, Discord pulled the fifth one out and tore it open while Pinkie threw the remainder in the bag.
“One letter from ‘Bronx Pony.’ That’s a mouthful... Let’s call them ‘Brony.’ A Totally Awkward Brony.”
“Meta, much?”
“Meh, pays the bills. *Ahem* ‘Dear Pinkie and Discord, I’m curious at what the unknown parts of Equestria are...’” Discord turned his head to the audience.
”EVERYTHING...”
Pinkie plucked the letter out of his claws, put sprinkles on it, and shoved it in her mouth. “Ne’ kestu‘n!” She mumbled out.
Discord snapped his fingers and a chocolate puppy appeared on the bar’s surface.
“Hey, Lassie, go get the letter!” He cooed at the dog. “You want the letter? Get the letter, go get it, girl!”
The puppy happily barked and wagged it’s tail in response before diving into the Mailmare bag. A few moments later, it came out of the bag with an envelope that had an image of a blue book on the front.
“Ooh, this should be a good one!”
“Indeed, if it is who I think it is...” Discord replied. Opening the envelope, he pulled out the letter and tossed it to Pinkie. “Here, your turn!”
“Thanks!” Pinkie said, grabbing it. “A letter from ‘Fetch.’ Well that’s a coincidence, considering how we chose this letter...”
Pinkie playfully glared for a moment before smiling and turning back to the letter. “‘Dear Pinkie and Disqord, I have a couple questions. Pinkie, do your parents pay the Cakes to let you live there? Are you planning on taking over Sugarcube Corner, robbing the twins of their inheritance?’”
Pinkie gasped in loud mouthed shock. “My parents?! Pay for ME to stay in Ponyville?! They’re not crazy enough to do that!(Also, I’m not stealing it. The twins have inheritance rights for it.)”
“Welllll, last I checked, your family was a bit less... Excitable than you are.”
“Sure, but even they wouldn’t be able to pay ponies to keep me with them! I am, as it were, an acquired taste.” Pinkie said, nomming on a cupcake.
“If you say so... Now, the second question?”
“‘And Disqord, why have you not told Fluttershy about your wife or your son? Oh, and your son's godmother wants to remind you to stay away and go bother some other Captain if you are feeling bored.’”
Discord nodded along to it, sipping some more prune juice.
Then a bunch of prunes flew out of his mouth, covering the stage.
“WHAAA- Oh, *Ahem*, could you say that again?” Discord asked, eating the prunes.
“Oh, sure! ‘Pinkie, do your parents pay the Cakes to let you live there?’”
Discord gave her a glare. “No, after that.”
“Ah, okay! ‘Oh, sure! ‘Pinkie, do-‘’”
“IN THE MIDDLE.”
“Oooooh, THAT! Why didn’t you just say so? ‘And Disqord, why have you not told Fluttershy about your wife or your son? Oh, and your son's godmother wants to remind you to stay away and go bother some other Captain if you are feeling bored.’”
“Right, just wanted to be sure.” He said, eating the last of the prunes.
With a slight cough, he spat out a mist of prune juice.
“-AAAAT?! I have a WIFE?! And a SON?!” Discord held his head in panic, trying to keep it from exploding. “Where have they been all this time?! Who’s been teaching the boy?! WHY IS THE SKY BLUE?!”
Pinkie lightly coughed. “I think they were making a Star Trot reference.”
Discord stood still for a moment before snapping his fingers. The letter disappeared from Pinkies hooves, an explosion of confetti appearing above at the same time.
“Next. Question.” Discord growled out.
Pinkie dug into the bag for a bit before pulling out and opening an envelope. “Another letter from The Socially Awkward Brony! ‘So, Discord, what’s it like to live in a realm of pure chaos?’”
Discord sighed, exasperated. “How long must I wait till they take the hint... Anyway, it’s not easy to describe to somepony who doesn’t experience the universe in four dimensions, but let’s say it’s like a shower of orange juice that doesn’t feel wet that’s also constantly rotating at weird angles, and chocolate puppies are trying to lick your toes because there’s peanut butter on them, while also melting into pineapples and trying to do the Macarena.”
“Basically, high school, but anime and live action at the same time.” Pinkie elaborated.
Discord couldn’t help nodding in agreement.
Pinkie unceremoniously tossed the letter into the shredder. “Next!”
Discord poked some tweezers into the bag and gently removed an envelope from it, careful to not touch the sides. With a sigh of relief, he set it on the counter. “Phew~! Operation: Success!”
Discord tore the envelope open and pulled out the letter. “A letter from an ‘Isabelle.’ ‘Dear Pinkie, Question. Why Does Twilight Never Visit Her Old Canterlot Friends?’”
Pinkie waved it off with a hoof. “Oh, she’s been visiting her friends between episodes quite a few times ever since she discovered that she had them. I mean, have you seen how seriously she takes being the princess of friendship? Trust me, she’s sticking to them like hot sauce at a party! Of course, she still lives in Ponyville, so there is a commute time to consider.”
“And now for the other question. ‘Dear Discord, Question. Are You Simply All Powerful Or All Knowing?’”
Discord gave a weird look to the audience.
“Yes, No, Maybe so, I don’t know, Gotta go, Say hello~!”
Discord tossed the letter to the floor, where it inexplicably smashed apart like a mug. “Another!”
Pinkie pushed her hoof into the bag for a moment before a cash register sound was heard and a drawer opened out of her mane. Humming in thought, she pulled an envelope out of it and tore it open, the drawer sliding closed back into her mane.
“Looks like a letter from... ‘Dragon Ball Superfun!’ Er, just ‘Superfun,’ actually. *Ahem* ‘Dear Pinkie, do you love Cheese Sandwich, or do you just consider him a friend?’”
Discord choked slightly at that from the cottage cheese he was eating, a small laugh being heard from him. “Okay, this has got to be good!”
Pinkie sent a small glare his way, which bit him on the arm, before answering. “Well, I do like Cheese Sandwich a lot, but as a Coltfriend? I mean, maybe someday... But right now, we’re just going down separate paths. He has his parties and I have mine. Till we do anything, we’re totally BFFs, though!”
“Ooh, sounds like he’s been friend zoned.” Discord said, wincing in sympathy. “I was really looking forward to that ship.”
Rolling her eyes, Pinkie continued with the letter. “‘Dear Discord, do you have access to the afterlife? If so, are you able to talk to Sombra there?’”
“I actually don’t, I’m afraid. So many chaotic masters of mischief came and went in my thousand years of imprisonment, but I never got to speak to them.” He gave a sigh and then shrugged. “But, meh, they don’t really compare to the CMC, so...”
Pinkie shoved the letter into the shredder. “Onto the next set of inquiries!”
Discord pulled a dark blue envelope out of the Mailmare bag and tore it open. “Let’s see, a letter from... Princess Luna? Oh my, it appears does write fan mail!”
“Ooh, she must really like the show if she wants us to answer one of the great mysteries of Equestria!”
“Indeed! ‘Dear Draconequis and Pinkie Pie,(Rude) what are the...’” Discord trailed off before facepalming.
Pinkie stared at him in confusion. “What’s it say?” Discord wordlessly handed it to her. “‘What are the... Best vacation spots in Equestria?!’” Pinkie mashed her hoof against her forehead, giving a disappointed sigh.
“Look, Luna, we’re already past that episode, you’ve already had a vacation.” Discord said.
“And you’ve ran out of ponies to fill in for you. Face it, you’re going to have to wait a while before the next one.” Pinkie added, crumpling the letter up and throwing it into a nearby trash can.
“Next!”
Pinkie pulled a very shiny envelope out of the bag and opened it, pulling out a rather plain looking letter. “A question from ‘Sparkly John!’ ‘Dear Pinkie Pie and Discord, will Chrysalis make a return in the season finale? If so, will she have a change of heart, or same old, same old?’ Well, anything with that changeling is unpredictable, so I’m hoping she finally lets a bit of laughter into her heart and joins the good guys! Or, you know, at least doesn’t try to help destroy Equestria.”
Discord snorted. “Chrysalis? She’s a lost cause. I personally think she’s going to make a clone of Starlight to join the villain team so she can get rid of the main six’s cutie marks, and after that she’ll drain them of all their emotions and die trying to overthrow Grogar.”
Pinkie stared at him. “...You still haven’t forgiven her for foalnapping Fluttershy, have you?”
“I have not.” Was his stiff response.
Pinkie just shrugged and put the paper in the shredder. “Can’t blame you for that.”
“Well, that’s all the time we have for this week!”
“Come back next time for more wacky answers about Equestria’s greatest secrets and mysteries!”
“Until then, Cherrychangas!”
And with that, the lights went out, flooding the room with darkness.
Light shone onto the stage from a big, red, glowing circle as it rose up from the floor on the back wall.
“NAAAAAAAAA-Chupenea! Thissooooongissocoooool~!” Pinkie sang as she trotted onto the stage, a wooden stick with two gourds on it in hoof. “IIIIIII’M, NOT SURE OOOON, WHAT THE LYRICS ARE~!”
Discord, a stuffed lion toy on his head, sipped some coffee grounds from his ‘Best Princess Discord’ mug and sighed in exasperation. “Pinkie, I know you’re excited about that movie, but the author hasn’t seen the live action version yet, so please don’t spoil the differences.”
After a moment a voice drifted down from the rafters. “Was... Was Discord just... Doing something nice for me?”
“I want the pleasure of spoiling it to him.” Discord ended.
A loud sigh was heard from above. “And thus, all is right with the world... I won’t even bother yelling.”
Pinkie gave a reassuring gesture to the rafters from her spot on Discord’s right... Somehow. “There, there, Frazzle, you’ll get to watch it when it’s out on DVD.”
Discord could only stare at her in confusion. “I can see in seven different flavors of sound, and I have no idea how you got there.” Shrugging, he turned back to the audience with a cheese grin. “Welcome back to the mostest, wonderest, funniest, unbelievablest, sensationalest, craziest show in Equestria, A Stupid Answer!”
As Discord ate his cheese grin, Pinkie continued with, “We’re your hosts, Pinkamena Diane Pie and Draco Iglesia Senor Chinchilla Odyssey Roger Davis, otherwise know as Pinkie Pie and Discord!”
“We’re here to answer your questions about life, liberty, puppies, Equis and Equestria!”
“And we would like to remind you that, while we are the hosts, we are not the main focus. I mean, all those different parts of Equestria need letter parties, too!”
“Besides, your questions are a little too... Personal, sometimes.” Discord added, incidentally eating a cheese sandwich with pink frosting.
Pinkie, also coincidentally, blushed a little at seeing that. “*Ahem* Anyway, let’s get on with the show!”
“Of course, milady.” Discord said, giving a slight bow. “Without further ado...”
“LET’S GIVE A STUPID ANSWER!”
Pinkie pulled a very shiny white envelope out of the Mailmare bag and toasted it to Discord. “Catch~!” Was his only warning as the envelope, now extra crispy, landed on his face.
Discord gave a small glare at Pinkie. “Just... Why?”
“Blame the typo!”
Sighing, Discord pulled a green letter out of the envelope. “A letter from a ‘Scoping Landscape.’ Hmm... ‘Dear Pinkie, how old are you? I know Discord is older than the Sisters, no questions there. But Pinkie... I don't know, really.’” Discord frowned. “Didn’t your mom ever tell you not to ask a mare her age?”
“What about gender equality?”
“Pssh, as if anypony is actually equal when dealing with genders.”
Pinkie just gave him a hard stare for a moment before turning back to the audience. “To answer that question, Landscape, I was nineteen years old when the show started, but since we don’t know the actual timeline... You’ll never know...”
“And now for the second question. ‘How long is it from Ponyville to Canterlot? Cause when Pinkie was on the train to Canterlot, guarding MMMMM, it's an overnight trip. But most of the time, it's about 2 or 3 hours.’ Ah, I can answer that. You see, the crow travels about five hours from Ponyville to Canterlot, as the train travels. But, when the MMMMM was on board, they were using a slower train to make sure the deserts would remain safe.” Discord pulled some cotton candy from his beard and started munching it. “Personally, I think they should’ve just catapulted everything to Canterlot. Much more efficient.”
Pinkie grabbed the letter from his claws and read the rest of it. “And to end the letter, ‘Thanks for the answers. P.S. Careful, there is a knife and a cupcake in the mail.’”
Suddenly, a cupcake with a knife in it launched out of the envelope, sailing through the air before splatting on the floor between the two hosts.
“....Next question.” Pinkie said, shredding the letter.
Pinkie shook the bag for a bit and pulled out a black envelope with what looked like the design of three scratch marks on the front of it.
“Well somebody’s emo.” Discord muttered.
Tearing it open, Pinkie pulled out the letter. “This is a letter from ‘Slashclaw!’ ‘Dear Discord and Pinkie, I must ask if a pony friend of mine has chaos powers, as he is quite random. Although he is much more cynical than others, I suppose.’”
“To answer your question, everypony has chaos powers, it’s just that I have a lot while everyone else has less.” Discord said, now drinking from a mug of LEGO bricks. “Your friend might just have a larger amount. Or you have a smaller amount. Or both.”
Pinkie fed the letter to the shredder. “Next!”
Just as Discord touched the Mailmare bag, an Easter egg fell on his face, cracking open and letting a letter float gently from inside it to his claws.
“...I’m guessing it’s Chaos04-“
“Chaos Tetroxide~!”
“-again. *Ahem* Let’s see,” Discord brought the letter to eye height. “Yup, Chaos04. ‘Dear Pinkie and Discord, sorry about not using 'dear' in the last letter, normally I don't write letters. I got a few more questions and not all of them are about you Discord so don't worry. Question one. Discord what are your relations to Twilight, Pinkie, Rainbow Dash, Apple Jack, Rarity and Fluttershy?’ Well, to answer that, in order, Lavender, Unberry, Twilivision, Horse-apples, Entrenched and Rawrsome.”
“He’s right, we have Unberries every Thursday at fourteen seventy-three.”
“And question two. ‘Who was the strongest villain you ever faced?’ Eh, I’d say Tirek, if only because of his muscles.”
“VEEEEERY big muscles. Like, size of your coconut, huge!”
“He was as muscular as Iron Will.”
“But WAAAAAY more evil!”
“And now for question three. ‘Discord I know you are my favourite so sorry if this offends you but why was Twilight so willing to forgive you to trade all of the alicorns magic to save you as well?’” Discord stared blankly for a moment. “...Fate, Dust, and Friendship Trust. That’s my answer and I’m sticking to it.”
He promptly folded the letter into a paper airplane and threw it off to stage left.
“Next!”
Pinkie stuck her hoof into the bag for a few moments before pulling out a... Xylophone?
“Ooh~! A Xylophone! Oh, there’s a letter on the back!”
Pulling a piece of paper off of it, she slid the Xylophone to Discord(Who started playing Megalovania on it, somehow) and read the letter.
“One letter from ‘Vinyl Scratch!’ ‘Dear Pinkie Pie, what’s Celestia’s favorite kind of music?’ Oh, that’s easy, she really likes classical music, with a little techno every now and then.”
Another letter shredded later, Pinkie yelled, “Onwards!”
Pinkie stuck her mane into the bag for a moment before pulling it back out, a single, silver envelope stuck in it. Discord snatched it out of her hair, opening and reading it.
“A letter from ‘Samurai.’ ‘Dear Discord and Pinkie pie, did you two ever tried to time travel to the future?’”
Pinkie sighed. “No, sadly. Too many spoilers.”
“Can you imagine what would happen if we found out the plot of gen five before it releases? We’d be written out to avoid spoiling stuff!”
“And I reeeeaaaally don’t want to not exist.”
“Quite right. Now, next part... ‘And Discord, have you ever pulled a great prank on Sunbutt?’”
Discord started laughing, so hard his gut flew apart from the rest of his body to hit the floor.
“Oh, she doesn’t even know the greatest prank! I wasn’t ever really in the first statue that she thought she made me into, I was living the high-life in New Bork for a thousand years!”
Pinkie took the letter from Discord, crumpling it up, and threw it randomly behind her. She decidedly ignored the explosion noise it made.
“Next~!”
Discord snapped his talons and a green envelope popped into existence in Pinkie’s right hoof.
Opening it, she quickly started reading.
“This is a letter from ‘Fetch!’ ‘Dear Pinkie, do you prefer your yellow dress or your blue dress?’ Hmm... I’d have to say neither. They’re both really special, so I try to wear each of them as often as I can. And the second part, ‘Dear Disqord, here is finally an easy question for you: Why haven't you let Fluttershy know what it's like to be a tree? (Since you can be anything you want, you must know what it's like to be everything.)’”
Discord waved it off with a carefree talon. “What makes you think she doesn’t already know? A lot happens off camera, you know.”
Pinkie chowed down on the piece of paper while Discord held up a sign with a single word on it:
‘Next!’
Discord shoved his arm into the bag for a moment or two before pulling out a... Translucent envelope?
“Ooh, a hologram!” Pinkie said.
Discord shrugged and tapped twice on the envelope, and it immediately unfolded into a white piece of paper.
“Let’s see, this is a letter from ‘Hololynx. ‘Dear Discord and Pinkie, why do ponies have doorknobs?’”
“An excellent question, Lynx!”
“Well, I believe that doorknobs are leftover bits from a Minotaur construction contract phase a few hundred years back, and Ponies liked them so much, they just continued making them on doors.”
“Good theory, good theory... But I personally believe that it’s so food can’t escape the house. Have you ever seen bread try and use a doorknob? It’s a very hopeless struggle.”
There was more than one awkward stare at Pinkie Pie after that, with Discord lightly coughing and shredding the letter.
“Next!”
Discord pulled a green and purple envelope out of the bag, and, opening it, was treated to a bout of green dragon fire that coalesced into a scroll.
Discord, his face now a charming shade of sunburn, stared at it for a moment. “...Calling this now, it’s Spike.”
“Could be a reader who has a dragon themed use- Ah, a dragon themed name.”
Discord humphed and unrolled the scroll.
“No, it’s Spike.”
“Darn! Oh well, what’s he asking?”
“‘Dear Discord and Pinkie Pie, who is Rarity’s crush?’”
The two stared awkwardly at the scroll before Pinkie wrote ‘RETURN TO SENDER’ on it and Discord belched out some bubbles that surrounded it and carried it off.
“Next!”
Pinkie snatched an envelope from right at the top of the bag. It was a greyish black, and, glancing down, she noticed it had dyed its shadow silver.
“Now this one should be interesting!” She said, opening it. “A letter from ‘Silver Shadows!’ ‘Dear Pink Pony and Discord, if you could only choose one pony as your best friend, Pinkie, who would it be?’”
Pinkie stared at it for a moment.
“Uhm... Everypony!”
“...That’s a technicality and you know it.”
“Second half! ‘Discord, are you in love with Fluttershy? (By the way, you should take her out to dinner if you do.)’”
Discord spat out a stream of minifigures at that.
“Ah, Uh, uhm, ehe, I...”
Discord quickly snapped his fingers and the letter shredded itself into dust, eliciting a sneeze from Pinkie.
“NextnextnextNEXT.”
Discord shoved a foot into the bag, his hands busy filling up his mug with Fortnite Skins, and pulled out a green envelope, which he quickly opened.
“Let’s see, another letter from ‘Fetch.’ ‘Dear Pinkie, why do Twilight and Sunset sound so alike when they sing? Why does Rarity sound like Adagio when she sings? And why do you sometimes sound like Silver Spoon when you sing?’”
“Oh, simple, it’s your brains tricking you into thinking we sound like each other. No ‘Voice Actors with multiple roles’ thing going on at all.”
“I don’t know... It is a bit weird.”
“Doesn’t matter, onto the second question!” Pinkie grabbed the letter from the Draconequis. “‘Dear Disqord, now that I got that crazy reaction out of you, let us see if this will cause another: When will you confess to Fluttershy that you love her?’”
Discord plucked the letter from Pinkie’s hooves and crumpled it up, somehow turning it into cheese in the process and fed it too the shredder, which burped in satisfaction.
“Just... No, Fetch. No.”
Pinkie gave a nod of agreement. “Next!”
Pinkie fished a red envelope with the image of a green apple on it out of the Mailmare bag, and, unhooking it from the line, she opened it.
“Hey, it’s a letter from Big Mac! ‘Dear Pinkie and Discord, could ya please tell me why there’s a statue of Professor Plum on my front lawn?’”
Discord gave a nervous grin while Pinkie gulped.
“Weeelllll... We MAY have been playing a game of supersized-superfun Clue earlier this week, and we MAY have forgotten to clean up everything.” Pinkie said, sweating a bit.
“Uh, besides, it let’s you branch out to other fruits!”
Pinkie quickly shoved the letter into the shredder.
“Next!”
Discord pulled a light purple envelope out of the bag, opening it and starting to read.
“A letter from a Pony called ‘Superfun.’ ‘Dear Discord, back during Starlight Glimmer's time travelling shenanigans, what happened to you in all of the timelines we didn't see you in?’”
“Oh yeah, we didn’t see much of you during that! What DID happen all those other times?”
“Well, I assume that most of the other me’s didn’t have enough chaos to come back fully, due to no Rainboom happening, so they were easily defeated, completely sealed in stone or died of chaos deprivation. I’m guessing the former two more than the latter.”
Discord shoved the letter into the shredder, and, before he could yell ‘Next!’...
“Wait! We’ve run out of time!”
“What? Already?”
“Yeah, the author’s been lazy, so he needs this out ASAP!”
“Darn. And I wanted to answer Thorax’s question next, too.”
“Maybe next time. But until then...”
Pinkie turned to the audience, a big grin on her face.
“Here’s hoping you all have a wonderful week!”
“Please feel free to ask more questions,preferably not about us, so we have more to answer next time!”
“Until next time, toodaloo!”
And the sun on the back of the stage sunk into the floor, plunging the room into darkness.
Technicolor lights flashed on as Discord walked onto the stage, an orange neon suit covering his form.
“Welcome one, welcome all, to the fifth episode of the most wondrifical show around, A Stupid Answer! I assume if you’ve stuck around this long, the author must be doing SOMETHING right.”
A voice from the rafters yelled, “HEY, I-“ It paused for a few moments. “Uh, never mind, thought that was more insulting. Proceed!”
Discord rolled his eyes.
“Anyway, I’m glad that the audience has enjoyed this little show so far! I can’t wait to get started, so without further ado, LET’S GI-”
“WHERE’S PINKIE?!” The audience collectively shouted, with Discord visibly flinching.
“Aheh, she’s currently busy cleaning up a little... Accident that happened in town. Nothing too tragic, and the show needed to go on, so I volunteered to come alone and answer as many questions as I could.”
At the skeptical stares of the audience, Discord sighed in exasperation.
“Look, I’m certain she’ll be here later, don’t worry. For now, shall I continue? *Ahem* Finally, LET’S GIVE A STUPID ANSWER!”
Meanwhile...
“I’m relevant!”
“I’m relevant!”
“I’m relevant!”
Pinkie nervously stared at Twilight’s increasingly frazzling mane as oranges flew out of nowhere from every direction, each arriving with the phrase ”I’m relevant!” being shouted out from nowhere and hitting a magic shield surrounding her.
“Y’see, this is why ‘ah grow apples, they never do stuff like this.” Applejack muttered, which elicited a giggle from Pinkie.
“The comics suggests otherwise.”
”I’m relevant!”
Discord pulled a translucent blue envelope out of the Mailmare bag, now sitting on a green easy chair. Tapping it a few times, it unfolded and expanded into a white piece of paper.
“A letter from ‘Lynx the Holo!’ ‘Dear Totally Not Q and Pinkie, has Twilight ever tired to bring technology from the human world into Equestria?’ Good question, Link! I could tell you of a few instances...”
”Wait, how did that explode? It wasn’t even combustible!”
“Okay, I understand getting clothing on the way in, but losing what’s in your pockets on the way back?!”
“...I’m not even gonna guess why that’s a teacup now.”
“...But that would be boring, so to make it simple, the portal really hates making the plot easy. It had to get payback SOMEHOW after Twilight hacked it.”
Taking out a discus, Discord slashed the letter in half, and it disintegrated into pixels that fell into a nearby trash can.
“Next!”
Discord pulled a horn on his head and his mouth shot open, depositing a purple envelope into his claws, which he quickly opened.
“Ah, quite the doozy from ‘Superfun.’ ‘Dear Discord, are you responsible for the mess that was the Netherlands suddenly airing every remaining episode of the series with no warning?’”
Discord just gave an innocent grin to the audience.
“What, moi? Give SPOILERS? My goodness, you didn’t pay attention! Here, let’s go back a bit.”
Pulling out a TV remote, his grin turned extra cheesy.
“It’s rewind time, everypony!”
Pressing a few buttons on it, a screen rose up from the floor on the back wall, and it staticked for a bit before clarifying into an image of Discord on the very same stage, Pinkie Pie next to him.
...“A letter from ‘Samurai.’ ‘Dear Discord and Pinkie pie, did you two ever tried to time travel to the future?’”
Pinkie sighed. “No, sadly. Too many spoilers.”
“Can you imagine what would happen if we found out the plot of gen five before it releases? We’d be written out to avoid spoiling stuff!”
“And I reeeeaaaally don’t want to not exist.”
“Quite right. Now, next part...”
Discord clicked the screen off. “See? Innocent! I’m not spoiling anything!”
With a careless wave of his talon, he dropped the letter into the nearby shredder.
“Next!”
Discord pulled a pink envelope out of the mail bag which had numerous blue hearts all over it. Promptly opening it, there’s was a blue letter with pink hearts inside it.
“A letter from ‘Princess Cadence’ and ‘Shining Armor!’ I didn’t even realize we were streaming it in the Crystal Empire... *Ahem* ‘Dear Pinkie Pie and Discord, who does Rainbow Dash have a crush on?’”
Discord got panicked eyes for a moment before quickly shoving the letter in the shredder, and shoving THAT into a much larger one.
“Sorry, Mi Amor Shining Cadence! Ship wars are not allowed here!”
He snapped his claws and the larger shredder melted into a puddle on the stage.
“Forward read!”
Discord pulled an envelope with a silver shadow out of the mail bag and promptly ope-
“CUT!”
Discord’s head snapped upward, surprised to see a red stop sign had descended from the ceiling.
“Frazzle?! What are you doing, I’m busy with the fan mail!”
“Look, I get it, you wanna be a solo host, but Pinkie is an integral part! Stop continuing this without her!”
Discord just gave the rafters a raised eyebrow.
“Oh, come now, we all know I’M the real star here.” He looked out to the audience, a sickeningly sweet smile on his face. “Am I right?!”
There were a few half hearted “Yay!”s from the crowd, the rest fixing him with a cold stare.
“...Yeah, they’re not buying it, Discord.”
Discord huffed, crossing his arms. “Fine, I’ll go get Pinkie! Keep them from getting bored, Frazzle!”
With a snap of his claws, Discord disappeared, leaving the audience to awkwardly mutter to each other.
“Sooooo.... Wanna hear my idea for a new five-book, multi-plot, crossover, human in Equestria story?”
There were a few shrugs and gestures for him to continue from the crowd, which Frazzle took as a good sign.
“Okay, so-“
”WE’REBACK!!”
A flash of light appeared on stage, blinding everypony before solidifying into the orange suited forms of Pinkie Pie and Discord.
“...Know what, I’ll leave it as an unfulfilled dream.”
Discord sat back down on his easy chair, Pinkie sitting in an identical one to the left.
“Now we can continue!” Discord opened the white envelope, handing the silver letter inside to Pinkie. “Care to do the honors, Pinkie?”
“Eeeeeyup! This is a letter from ‘Silver Shadows the Hedgehog!’ ‘Dear Pinkie Pie and Discord (again), I love your show!’ Thanks for saying so, Silver! Continuing the letter... ‘Here are a few questions for you guys though. Discord, hypothetically speaking, if Fluttershy asked you out, would you go? Again, this is merely hypothetical.’”
Discord froze a little at that. “I, ah, well...” A light bulb went off above his head. “Oh, right, there was a whole episode based on that! So I don’t REALLY have to answer.” A small glare from Pinkie started him talking again. “...But, I guess I could tell you that, yes, I would go out with her.”
Pinkie continued glaring. “You better...” Her smile popped back onto her face. “Next part! ‘Also, Discord, why is there an app named Discord? Did you have something to do with it?’”
“Ah, yes, that bubbling stew of social networking was indeed a great, very chaotic creation, but, alas, it was made by another.”
“Your one time girlfriend from nineteen seventy-seven, right?”
“Shhh~! The audience doesn’t need to know that!”
“Okie dokie Loki!”
Discord just sighed in exasperation. “Is there a final question?”
“Yes there is! ‘Pinkie, how in EQUESTRIA are you able to tell Maud’s emotions? I SWEAR she keeps a straight face ALL THE TIME.’ Wait, you guys can’t tell when she’s happy or not? She has a HUUUUUGE smile!”
Discord gave an awkward cough. “Uh, right... Moving on!” He snatched the letter from her hooves. “‘Also, you and Discord should have a pranking contest. It would be interesting to hear about.’ Eh, been there, done that, watched the episode, got the life-lesson-T-shirt.”
Discord proceeded to shove the letter into a new shredder that had appeared between the two chairs.
“Next!”
Pinkie dug around in the bag for a bit before pulling out an envelope that looked like it had been folded closed very weirdly, and proceeded to open it.
“A letter from ‘The Socially Awkward Brony!’ ‘Dear Discord and Pinkie Pie, what’s your favorite board game?’”
Discord burst out laughing, hearing that, and Pinkie had a wistful smile on her face.
An upbeat melody played as one by one, the lights on the stage lit up, brightening the room considerably.
“Why look dear Co-Host of mine, that time has come around!” Pinkie sang, popping out from stage right.
“Ponies with queried quotes, dry plots, and not a single answer to be found!” Discord sang, popping out of stage morp.
“Maybe we can share a couple answers to halt their despair?”
“Yes indeed, we will see, what Stupid Answers at which they’ll staaaaare~!”
“Well you’ve got a continuity, with strange opportunities~! He’s big!She’s rad! We’ve got so many Stupid Answers! And if you’d just ask, they might just staaaaay~!”
“CUT!” A voice cried out, causing the music to abruptly stop and the Heart Song to end.
“Awww....” Pinkie groaned. “But I wanted to do the whole song!”
“Sorry-not sorry,” The voice from the rafters continued, “But we can’t spend an entire episode on just rewriting this particular song into a parody!”
Discord huffed. “Killjoy.” He snapped his claws and a chair that looked vaguely like Twilight’s throne appeared, which he promptly sat down in.
“Whelp, might as well do the intro!” Pinkie stated, jumping into an identical chair to Discord’s left.
“Yeah, yeah... Hi. I’m Discord, and I’m an aquaholic.”
The audience gave him a few odd looks, and Pinkie nudged him.
“*Cough* Discord, wrong greeting.”
“Oh, right! *Ahem* Hello, everypony! Welcome to the mostest splendiferous show in the Equis Cluster, A Stupid Answer! I’m your host, Discord!”
“And I’m your other host, Pinkie Pie! On this show, we answer questions sent in by you viewers at home and on the stage...”
“Ignore them...”
“Shred them...”
“Go on crazy adventures... Basically an Oat Opera with audience involvement and no Operas. Or deaths. Or evil clones...”
“Well, you guys already knew all of that, right? Well then, let’s move along with the show!”
“Indeed, Pinkie! Now...”
“Let’s give A Stupid Answer!”
As Discord started to put a paw in the bag, his nose started itching, and-
“AH-CHOO!!”
-Discord sneezed, a green envelope sailing out of his nose and splatting against the back of Pinkie’s chair.
“Oh, that was strange. Somepony must be talking about me.” He commented, rubbing a hanky with a gourd design on it against his nose.
“Eeewwwww....” Pinkie gently used a large pair of tweasers to remove the envelope, setting it on a conveniently nearby table. “Let’s see...”
She carefully opened it up and pulled out a white letter.
“No name at the front... ‘deer discrod an pinky, dis is gud shoe but i hav kwestshon: how is fowly formd? how mair get pragnent? krixwell, 6 and a haf yeers’”
The two hosts stared at the letter for a moment, before looking at each other, both with wide eyes.
“TWILIGHT~!” They yelled in tandem.
Like the successful summoning it was, Twilight appeared in a teleport, clearly very surprised.
“Okay, one, I felt a great disturbance in the Force from here,” She said, “Two, how do I know what the Force is?”
Pinkie shoved the letter to her. “No time to explain!”
Discord shoved a guarana to her. “Just answer the question!”
Twilight just blankly looked at them for a moment before grabbing the letter in her magic(Ignoring the poor, poor guarana. ;-;)and slowly reading it.
“...”
“...”
“...Askyourmother,okay,goodbye!”
With another flash, Twilight disappeared, leaving the letter to drift in the air, landing in the shredder.
“Huh... Y’know, I don’t think she likes our show.”
“Maybe if we added streamers... Or balloons! Wait, no... Books! *Gasp* Book Balloons!”
“....Orrrr, we could just get the next question?”
“Oh, yeah, sure. Next!
Pinkie stuffed a hoof into the Mailmare bag, and, rooting it around the inside for a bit, pulled out a-
“A Deadpool plushie?!” Discord exclaimed. “But... This isn’t even a crossover!!”
“Oh, right, you weren’t there for that. A while back me and him were pitted against each other in a fight to the death, we both liked ‘changas, we went on a road trip through reality, became best friends, I threw his birthday party, and now we’re pen pals!”
“...At least that’s just story canon and not show canon.”
“For now... Anyway, let’s see what the plushie says.”
Pinkie found a zipper on the back and pulled it open to find a scroll of some kind in the plush, and quickly opened it.
“*Ahem* ’Dear Pinkie Pie and the other one, I just wanted to ask what Celestia’s favorite anime is! P.S., tell Frazzle to give me a better cameo and to catch up on your show.’”
“Well, Frazzle HAS been slacking on the MLP front. He should just REDACTED-REDACTED-REDACTED-REDACTED-REDACTED, that’s sure to be easier!”
“Ooh, ooh, he should watch it with his sister! Then they can have a ‘We’re siblings who like the same show’ party!”
“Or...” The voice from the rafters ground out. “You could answer. The. Question.”
“Jeez, fine...” Discord snapped his claws, and a security monitor appeared on the back wall. “Let’s see... Celestia’s singing...”
”You know I want you... It’s not a secret I try to hide. But I can’t have you... Hate to break it, my hooves are tied.”
“Sister, stop singing to the cake!”
“...Celestia’s dinner...”
”I take back everything bad I ever thought about fast food. PIZZA IS AMBROSIA.”
“Ah, here we go! Celestia’s Anime binge!”
”Sailor Jupiter! No, don’t do it!”
“Well well well, looks like she’s a Sailor Moon fan!” Pinkie said, holding a toy sun. “Kinda obvious, considering there’s no ‘Sun’ anime...”
“What about Fairy Tail? Doesn’t that have fire as the main magic?”
“Meh, dragons always have fire.”
Pinkie tossed the letter into the shredder.
“Next one!”
Discord pulled a purple envelope out of the mail bag and opened it with a dagger that was glowing blue. (Well, more of a letter opener, really.) He pulled the letter out and started reading:
“A letter from ‘Superfun!’ ‘Dear Pinkie Pie, do you have any knowledge of your past generation's self?’ Quite the personal question, that one is...”
Unexpectedly, Pinkie started sweating a little bit.
“Oh, uh, my past generation? I, uh, don’t know what you’re talking about!”
Discord raised an eyebrow at her, dusting her sweat off with it and dropping it in a trash can.
“That is most definitely not regular Pinkie Pie behavior... What’re you hiding?”
“N- Nothing, nothing!”
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a loud warbling noise sounded out of nowhere and a big pink telephone booth started to-
Oh, heck no.
-to fade into reality. It finally solidified, and after a moment of silence, a pink earth pony mare with a cutie mark consisting of three balloons trotted out of the-
Uh, Frazzle? What are you doing?
-TROTTED OUT OF THE-
Yo, Frazzle, stop writing this.
Fine... What. Is. It?
Wellllll... I’m not sure how the fans of the story would feel about me being a Time Lord.
They’ll NERD OUT. That’s exactly what I want!
Shouldn’t the ‘Different Generations of Equestria, except it’s whovian themed’ be a dead trope by now?
Rrrgh, fine! I’ll rewrite that part!
“A letter from ‘Superfun!’ ‘Dear Pinkie Pie, do you have any knowledge of your past generation's self?’ Quite the personal question, that one is...”
Unexpectedly, Pinkie started sweating a little bit.
“Oh, uh, my past generation? I, uh, don’t know what you’re talking about!”
“Oh, Pinkie ‘G. Three’ Pie? Yeah, she’s TONS of fun! Sure, she’s a little behind the times, but she’s really good at making cupcakes!”
Discord shook his head out and then reattached it.
“Woah. That almost felt like De Ja Vu.”
“Eh, you get used to it.” Pinkie swiped the letter from his paws and shoved it into the shredder. “Onwards!”
You happy now, Pinkie? Yupperdoodles! Finally...
Pinkie pulled a butterfly net out of her mane and dropped the end into the bag for a few seconds before pulling it back out, an envelope that was a royal shade of purple in the net.
“Let’s see...” She said, opening it. “This is a letter from- FROM ’PRINCE BLUEBLOOD’?!”
Discord spat out a cup full of Guarana Juice, the plastic cup spilling its contents on the floor.
“Wait, WHAT? The pony who only speaks in one episode? How is HE important enough to warrant a whole letter?”
“Plus, he’s an antagonist! He’s antagonisticly antagonistic!”
Discord grabbed the letter from her hooves and started reading.
“‘Dear Pinkie Pie and Discord, could you please tell me why Celestia isn’t giving me the throne?😠😠😠’ Oh, that’s an easy question.”
Pinkie wiped a hoof down her forehead in relief.
“And here I thought it’d be something difficult! The answer to that is: She has wings!”
“And you don’t!”
Discord shoved the piece of paper into the shredder.
“Next!”
Discord stuck a foot into the bag, reading a book titled ‘Harmony Theory: The Bacon Files.’
He pulled his foot back out after approximately three point one four seconds, and in its clutches was a bluish blackish envelope with a moon decal on the front.
“Ooh, another one from Loonie-Moonie!”
He quickly opened it, and started reading.
“Oh, wait, hang on, this is from a pony called ‘Midknight Defender.’ Well the envelope certainly should’ve been clearer on that!”
He grumbled for a bit before reading the rest.
“‘Dear Discord and Pinkie Pie, how many ponies does it take to screw in a lightbulb if all they use is candles?’ Oh, easy, four and four fifths of a quarter pony.”
“Can’t argue with that math.” Pinkie plucked the letter from Discord and loaded it into the shredder on the back of her party cannon. “Next!”
Discord pulled a pale yellow envelope out of the bag and opened it with the finesse and grace he most assuredly had.
“Another letter from the ‘Socially Awkward Brony!’ ‘Dear Discord and Pinkie, do grammatical mistakes make you mad?’”
“Meh, sometimes. Exhibit A, when Frazzle spells our names wrong.”
“Exhibit £, when ponies forget a word when writing a sentence.”
And with that out of the way, Discord shoved the letter into Pinkie’s party shredder.
“And that’s the last question!”
“Wait, already?! Is it just me, or is this show getting shorter?”
“Technically, with each episode, it’s longer.”
“Oh, okay!”
Pinkie turned to the audience, her party cannon pointed the same way too.
“Thanks for coming to watch this episode of ‘A Stupid Answer!’ Leave a like...”
“Dislike...”
“A nice question about seaponies and sirens...”
“A flame comment about Frazzle’s horrible writing...”
“HEY!”
“And be sure to also tell us how you rate this story! We need to know... For party reasons.”
Discord held up a graph which almost looked like utter nonsense.
“On a scale from one to ten, what flavor of color is this story, with ten being the fizziest and one being flat?”
“Until next time, keep asking those Stupid Questions, and we’ll keep giving Stupid Answers!”
She pulled the rope on the back of the cannon and a vast amount of confetti, enough to obscure Discord and Pinkie Pie, shot out of it. And with that, the lights went out.
Discord was outside the building the stage was in, nailing boards over the doors and windows with a small smirk on his face.
The boards were, of course, multicolored.
A small group of ponies had started to arrive, but stopped at the entrance, confused by this turn of events.
Eventually, a green earth pony stallion with a blue mane and tail walked up to Discord, swallowing down his nervousness.
“Uh, excuse me, Discord?”
With a yelp of surprise, Discord’s hammer swing missed by an inch and landed on his thumb.
“SON OF AN ASTERISK’S HASHTAG!” He yelled out, the offending thumb now twice the size it was before, though with a snap of the claws on his other hand, it returned to normal.
“WHAT?!” He snapped at the pony.
Said pony shrank a bit into his coat, flinching away from Discord before steeling his nerves and looking back up.
“W- Well, I, ah, just wanted to know why you’re, uh, you know, boarding up the building...?” He mumbled out.
“Oh, that? The show’s cancelled, that’s why.”
“Wait... What? Why?”
“The editor in chief, Mr. Frazzle T. Dazzle, decided that this show wasn’t going anywhere.”
Discord turned back to the building, now stapling the boards into the building.
“But what about the letters from last week?” A purple Pegasus mare called out.
“That’s what I’m here for, silly!”
The mare yelped in surprise as Pinkie Pie popped out of... Somewhere, right behind her.
“Prepare to have your questions answered!” She proclaimed, raising the holy Mailmare bag.
The crowd just shrugged and stood where they were, waiting for Pinkie to start speaking.
“Without further ado, I’m going to GIVE A STUPID ANSWER~!”
Pinkie stuck a hoof into the bag for only a moment before pulling out a light purple envelope, quickly opening it.
“A letter from ‘Superfun’! ‘Dear Pinkie Pie and Discord, does Rainbow Dash get along with her G3 self?’”
Pinkie blankly stared at the letter for a few moments.
“...No, she does not.” Pinkie tossed the letter into a shredder, which had somehow appeared while she was talking.
“Next!”
Pinkie brought a picnic table over and dumped the letters out of the bag and onto it. There were only four letters left.
Picking a white letter out, she quickly opened it.
“Ooh, a letter from ‘Vinyl Scratch’! ‘Dear Discord and Pinkie Pie, do you prefer Techno or Classical music.’ Good question, Vinyl! Truth is, I love them both so much I just wish there was a way to merge them into a recees candy of musical perfection!”
Nopony noticed the mare with a white coat and blue mane quickly leave, a thoughtful look on her face.
“Of course, that won’t exist for three more weeks, so... TECHNO!”
With a twist of her hoof, she flipped the letter into the shredder.
“Next!”
Pinkie grabbed a green envelope next.
“A letter from ‘Fetch’! ‘Dear Pinkie Pie, are you related to Surprise? She's one of the Wonderbolts, btw. Not your many-times-great-grandmare who went on some crazy adventures.’ Oh, you mean my third cousin, twice removed, on my father’s side?” Pinkie grinned. “Oh yeah, we’re related!”
Some of the fans of the Wonderbolts in the crowd couldn’t help but look at Surprise’s stunts in a new light.
“Next question from Fetch, ‘Dear Disqord, do you prefer coffee or tea?’”
“Tea.”
The ponies in the crowd flinched in surprise at Discord’s sudden appearance behind them.
“What can I say,” He said, floating over to sit up above Pinkie Pie. “Teapots are cool.”
“Yupperdoodle they are!” Pinkie tossed the letter into the shredder. “Next!”
Discord snatched a yellow envelope off the table.
“A letter from a ‘Socially Awkward Brony’. *Ahem* ‘Dear Discord and Pinkie Pie, how often does Discord run into trolls online?’ Oh, plenty. Of course, their skills pale in comparison to my bridge-troll experience!”
“Eeyup! He spent two years in Trollington Park Community College studying up on it before Trolling the school to a Troll treck trampoline Troll track.”
At the blank stares she received, Pinkie just shrugged.
“He’s a very good Troll.”
Discord shoved the letter into the shedder.
Said shedder growled at him, barking like the dog it was before Discord gave it a rubber bone, shutting the dog up.
“Next!”
Pinkie picked up the last envelope, a blue one with metal studs on it.
“Ooh! It’s a letter from the editor!”
“What’s Frazzle asking?”
“Not asking, saying! ‘Dear Pinkie Pie and Discord, please tell the ponies of the final show ‘Thank you’ for sticking around this long. Sincerely, Frazzle T. Dazzle.’ Well that’s nice of him!”
Discord leaned down to look at it.
“‘P.S., this story will self destruct in five seconds.’” Discord and Pinkie stared blankly for a moment. “Wait, wha-
Taking a hoof off the big red button, Frazzle looked across his desk to the human sitting on the other side.
“You have what you need?”
The human nodded, silent as death.
“Good. Now go start the preparations. We mustn’t dally and keep Conflict waiting.”
With not a sound, the human faded to dust, disappearing away from the room as Frazzle turned to a book sitting open on his desk, closing it gently.
“Another day...”
He pulled a blue envelope with metal studs on it out of his desk.