I’m Trying to Clop Here!
In the Crystal Palace, there is a study tradition among the famous Royal couple. Every Sunday evening, they would gather around with friends and at least a few of the guards for the sake of socializing, relaxation, and just to have fun with a different game to just have fun. On this night, deep in the enormous crystalline structure, inside a dark room with nothing more than an overhead lamp to illuminate the empty space was a table with a few cushions around it. Apart from Prince Shining Armor and Princess Cadence; Sunburst and a guard called Bronze Tip sat around the table. In each of their hooves, they held a set of cards. On the velvet green table, were piles of plastic chips and the deck to the game they were playing.
The game itself is a new one that none of them had ever played before. A mature version of “Never Have I Ever,” where the goal is to be the last pony that still had on at least a few chips. Each of them takes a turn to pull out a card from their hooves that could be about a wide range of subjects. If any of the other plays have done what the card said, they have to lose a chip. Whoever was left was the winner.
So far, Sunburst was in the lead while Shining Armor and Bronze Tip the guard were struggling to stay in the game.
“Okay, how about this one.” Shining pulled out a card with his magic, and with a wicked grin, he read aloud. “‘Never have I ever intentionally flashed anypony.’”
His wife and Bronze groaned as they tossed a chip into the pile in the middle of the table while Sunburst remained unmoved.
“Seriously?” Cadence asked with a raised eyebrow. “Never?”
Sunburst shrugged. “It’s not like I wanted to, it’s just with the cape that I often wear, it isn’t likely that I would do that.”
“You ought to try it out sometime,” Bronze commented, “I’d bet it would finally get you a date.”
“Or get arrested for indecent exposure which, how come neither of you did?”
“It didn’t say in public,” Cadence smirked while her husband draws out another card.
Sunburst rolled his eyes. “Fine. It’s my turn.” He chose a card out from his hoof. He raised an eyebrow. “This ought to be interesting. ‘Never have I ever been caught clopping to a dirty magazine by my parents.’”
For a moment, there was a hesitation. Each of the players looked at one another to see who would toss their chip in. In the stillness, Sunburst was considering casting that card aside and drawing another until a single chip landed on the table from a blushing but bemused Shining Armor.
“Wait, really?!” Cadence asked in surprise.
“I don’t wanna talk about it,” Shining muttered. “It’s embarrassing.”
“Okay, this I gotta hear.” Bronze put down his cards down.
“There’s nothing to hear. I don’t want to talk about it.”
“But why not?” Sunburst asked. “I mean, we're all adult here and we’ve already shared some embarrassing stuff.”
“Besides,” Cadence added, “I want to hear this too. After all, I don’t think I’ve heard of this before. So, when did this happen?”
Shining gave her a blank look at his wife. “You’re not going to let this down until I start talking, aren’t ya?”
“You know me so well.” She smirked. “If it’s embarrassing, I think it should be worth talking about. Besides,” she waved a hoof around the table, “you’re with ponies that aren’t going to judge you for masturbating to porn. I guarantee that everyone in this kingdom has done it at least once in their lives.”
“Are you speaking from experience, Cade?” Her husband asked with a raised eyebrow.
“What if I am. I’m interested to hear about your experience with it, especially if it involves being caught by your parents.”
He sighed. “Firstly, it was mom. And second… I was fifteen at the time.”
“Should I get the popcorn?” Bronze asked. “I feel like we’re in for a story.”
Shining groaned but begun to tell his story.
When Shining was thirteen, his father told him about the birds and the bees but didn’t go into much detail besides the fact that foals come from mothers. At fourteen Shining and the rest of the other students in health class got into more detail about the subject of puberty, sex, and the birthing process. But at the age of fifteen when the young stallion’s hormones really kicked in, he saved enough of his allowance to make a rather shady exchange with a friend of his, whose brother apparently has a copy of a particular magazine.
Shining had heard about the name of Playcolt before, but for the longest time, he didn’t exactly know what it was. As he grew into a teen, his friends had spoken in whispers of a particular genre of literature that helped satisfy their curiosity about the female anatomy. One that had pictures of not just them, but the act of sex itself! The problem was that it was hard to find. Which was why when Shining’s friend had gotten ahold of the infamous magazine, he agreed to let them borrow it – for a fee.
At first, Shining didn’t think that he would need it. However, when he discovered the pleasures of clopping, his fantasies demanded to have something more concrete than just picturing the alluring pony in his head. His lust and curiosity longed to see what was in those pages that were being passed around by his friends. He wanted to know the forbidden knowledge that was in them as they would no doubt give far more details then what his parents or teachers ever could. Perhaps it could give some insight as to what exactly it felt like doing another pony. And more exact – how.
Then, after many weeks of saving up his allowance, he finally got it. As soon as he had it, he wrapped it in brown paper and stuck it into his saddlebags. As soon as he got home, he silently and stealthily snuck past his parents like a ninja towards his room upstairs. Once inside his room, he scanned left and right to make absolutely sure that he was alone. Using his magic to shut the curtains, he trotted over to his bed and carefully extracted his treasure. Sitting on the bed, he pulled out from his bags and unwrapped the paper as if it were Hearths Warming. There in his hooves, the prized Playcolt that had a scantily dressed mare. A beautiful looking mare with blond mane, ruby eyes, and a body that looked like she was crafted by the gods. The only thing that separated this Goddess of Lust from her full nudity was the black laced bikini.
Shining felt the lustful hormones rush into one particular area. Laying back, he held the magazine in his magic and was in awe as he opened up to the first page. He could see everything! He can see in detail what a mare’s-
“Shining, when are you going to mow the lawn?” To his absolute and utter horror, he realized too late to lock the door of his bedroom, otherwise, it wouldn’t allow his own mother to come barging in unannounced without so much as a knock.
“MOM!!!” Mortified, he flung the coveted porn underneath his pillow and covered his more sensitive area with his saddlebag. “Don’t just burst in like that!”
His mother, Twilight Velvet, a gray unicorn that had purple highlights in her mane and tail, blinked. “What was that?”
“Nothing!” Now the hot blood was rushing into his head, particularly into his face.
Clearly not buying the painfully obvious lie, she yanked the magazine in her aura before the stunned and dying of embarrassment son could do anything about it. The young stallion could practically see himself going straight to the nearest guillotine, being caught redhoofed as his own mother had his first and only porn mag in her custody.
“T-T-That’s not mine!” Shining pleaded. “I swear! That isn’t mine!”
“I certainly hope so.” His mother said, inspecting the magazine. “Playcolt… issue number, four-hundred-twenty… Doesn’t have the proper coating…” She sniffed it, “defiantly been used…” she examined the cover, “Model’s from twenty-six years ago…” She flipped through the pages with a critical eye. “Oh no, this will absolutely never do.”
Closing the bedroom door. She carefully placed the magazine on her son’s desk.
“Mom-”
She held up a hoof. Shining noticed that for some odd reason she wasn’t screaming at him. Nor did she appear to be angry, but rather disappointed. Velvet levitated up her son’s notebook and a pencil out from his son’s saddlebag that was still hiding the embarrassing erection.
“Say no more, Shining,” she told him, taking a seat at the corner of his bed. “You out of all ponies clearly deserve better than that second rate, twenty-eight layers of crap. But don’t worry, I got this covered. Now then…” She held up the notebook and looked at him as a waitress would for being ready to jot down a meal. “Are you strictly into mares, stallions, or both?”
Velvet’s colt blinked. And then blinked again. “W-What?”
“Well, I can’t exactly get you something better than that joke of pornography without at least knowing the basics. So, let me rephrase my question (now that I think about it): what do you want to see? Just mares? A mare and a stallion? Two mares? Two stallions? Or maybe just stallions?”
His blush refusing to go away, his teenage brain was beginning to process that his own mother was asking what gender he was attracted to. “I uh… I don’t… know?”
“Ah, I see…” She wrote something down. “Since I take it that’s your first dirty magazine that you’ve come across, I assume that you don’t really know what sort tribe you’re into either, that’s okay, I can make this work…” she jotted something else into the notebook. “So, would it be helpful if there was an overarching story or just the images would be fine?”
“Mom? What are you doing?”
“It’s it obvious?” Velvet smirked as if she was asked something so obvious that she almost laughed at it. “You’re at the age where you’re getting to notice more ponies but frustratingly you don’t really have anywhere to go with your urges other than to jerk your little Shiny until you scream for the moon.”
“Are we seriously having this conversation?!”
“So of course, you’re going to have the urges of wanting to know all the details of what sex is without getting a mare pregnant or contracting a sexual disease. That’s why we have pornography! The real trouble is that not many ponies know where to get the kind that’s helpful, educational and erotic at the same time! Don’t worry sweetie, that’s where mommy comes in!” She smiled as she returned to the notebook. “Let’s see… You don’t know much about foreplay, do you?”
Shinning blushed. “U-Uh… well… I’ve heard some bits and pieces from the older kids…”
“Does that include the oral stuff?” When her son didn’t reply, she took that as a yes. “And would you also like to see it where there’s a big, white, happy ending?”
“I don’t know what that means!”
“Got it.” She wrote it down before she paused. “Oh! Where’s my head gone to? Is there any particular fetishes that you’d like to see it being explored or do we just go straight to the actual intercourse stuff?”
Shining buried his bright red head into his forehooves. “Mom! This is super embarrassing!”
His mother took a moment to look up from the notebook. Scooching over, she patted him on the back. “I understand, but you have to realize that having these urges is a natural part of life. All I want for you is for you to grow up happy and healthy. And this is just part of that. I already knew that one of these days that you’ll become curious about sex and learn about its messy details; along with its consequences if used irresponsibly.”
“And this isn’t!?”
“Shining, please stop shouting. I’m in a teaching moment.” She cleared her throat. “All I want is for you to grow up knowing full well of who you are, what you want and how to use whatever gifts and talents responsibly. Having to clop to something is perfectly normal and you should have the means to explore your sexuality by safe, healthy means and to learn when it's appropriate, how to understand when your partner consents, and to understand what your limits are. The thing is, Shiny, I’m not against what you’re doing. The only thing that I object to is using that.” She pointed to the discarded magazine. “Because you don’t need some random porn that might not do anything, but better porn that can teach you how to respect your special somepony, know how far is too far, and to gain the empathy of the kinks your future partner might have.”
Her son peeked a little from his hooves, blinking. “Huh… I thought that you wouldn’t want me to see any of that stuff period.”
“At your age?” She chortled. “That would be like saying that if you’re hungry, you should stop eating food altogether. Or if you’re feeling sleepy you shouldn’t take a nap. It’s just ridiculous. But what you need to learn is to know when any of this stuff is appropriate in certain times and places. Like for example, you ought to lock your door when doing this or to make sure you have tissues or some toilet paper to help you clean up the mess. Fortunately, I have plenty of such books to help you give you the tips and tricks you’ll need to explore that sexuality safely and have fun doing it.”
Shining finally looked up from his hooves.
“Now I guess there’s one last question to ask…” His mother said, returning to the notebook. “Would you like to see a solo, couple or a full-blown orgy?”
“What’s an orgy?”
Humming in thought, Velvet jotted the last item down. Carefully ripping that page of paper out of the notebook, she told her son to stay put as she’s going to be right back. Several minutes later, Velvet returned with two books. The thinner one was a blue paperback and had its title written in gold on the cover:
Everything You Want to Know About Sex but Were Afraid to Ask
The other was a hardcover book, with its pages about two inches thick and on its cover were a mare and a stallion, both looking out with lusty eyes parted open a curtain. In between the two were silhouettes of dozens of other ponies in very… compromising positions. Above all of this written in red were the words:
The Garden of Delights
Shining blinked. “Mom, where did you get these?”
“Las Pegasus, I was able to get a bundle of stuff like this for cheap! The photography is very well done, and the author of this book is very good at not just the story overall but goes into realistic details about the etiquette of it all.” She winked. “Now don’t go on for too long, you still probably have homework to do and dinner should be ready by five-thirty.”
She left the bedroom, closing the door behind her with a “Have fun,” in a half-sing voice.
There was a mixture of laughter and horror among the three other ponies. Sunburst had his muzzle covered by both of his hooves in shock. Bronze Tip was rolling on the ground laughing. And his wife had been snickering so much that she was shaking like a tower of jello.
“Oh, merciful Celestia!” Sunburst was the first to speak after the Prince’s story. “That actually happened!”
“I think it’s rather sweet,” Cadence said. “Also explains how you’re such a virtuoso in the bedroom.”
Bronze kept on laughing.
Shining let out a frustrated sigh. “What can I say, my education was a little too thorough for my own good.”