Don't Forget To Remember Me
Twilight Velvet sat in her living room, alone for the first time all day. It was evening now, when blackness painted the sky with only shimmering stars as points of light alongside the kindly moon. Her daughter Twilight Sparkle had gone to bed an hour ago, and her husband Night Light was in their room attempting to organize their day planner for the events of tomorrow. Her son, Shining Armor, had supposedly gone to bed too, but was likely still awake. But it didn’t matter. What mattered was that she was alone. She needed time to sort through her thoughts and feelings, and she could only do that on her own.
Tomorrow, her son would leave the safety of their home and go to training to become a Royal Guard. He’d talked excitedly about it all day, never once knowing that Velvet was hiding her own terror behind a plastic smile. Of course Velvet was happy for her son. Becoming a Royal Guard was a huge step in achieving his dreams. She couldn’t have been prouder of him for that. That wasn’t even a question. No, the question was if she could maintain that happy facade long enough to see her son out the door.
Shining Armor was her firstborn. He was the one who had taught her the meaning of love. She adored her husband Night Light, but her son was the one to teach her what love really looked like. From the moment she first held him, a sea of feelings was made known to her. It was as if somepony had taken her emotional levels from a puddle and plunged them into an ocean. She felt things more now, things she didn’t even know existed before she’d had her son. A vast new world of love, protectiveness, joy, and fear. The love for her children and her confidence in them had become the only thing that could temper her ever growing fear.
The seed of her fears planted itself the very day Shining Armor was born. From the moment she’d held him, she’d seen her life and her future, and she’d seen his too. She was holding him then, but she knew before she could blink he’d be getting marefriends, moving out, and having a family of his own. It was supposed to be the course of things, intended by nature. She knew that. But she also knew she wanted to tell nature to shut it’s mouth and let her hold onto her baby.
Nature, it seemed, was not a good listener.
Her beautiful baby boy was grown up now, getting ready to fly the nest. Thank goodness Velvet still had Twilight around to help ease that pain, but it just wouldn’t be the same. Their family wouldn’t be complete without him. There would be a hole there, in their family, where he had once been- and nothing they could do could ever fill the empty chair at the kitchen table. Velvet’s heart wretched inside of her at the thought of that empty chair. She wondered, however morbidly, if she would always feel this way about that empty chair.
It wasn’t empty quite yet. They still had one more breakfast to eat as a family before he left. But trying to cheer herself up with that was cold comfort. She knew very well this meal wouldn’t be a normal one. There was change in the air now, thick as a fog, and that fog would be filled with word ghosts- things they could or should have said. Nothing would ever be the same again. Her son will have gone and gotten a taste of the world outside of their home, and whenever he came back, he would become more filled with that knowledge until he blossomed into somepony that Velvet wouldn’t even recognize- no longer her little boy, but a grown stallion, more than capable of caring for himself and not needing her for anything. As a matter of fact, Velvet got the distinct impression that Shiny wouldn’t really need her in any way again until he had a child of his own and needed her advice.
That thought made her heart lurch, and she had to take some deep breaths to calm herself down. That was many, many years away. But, as the snide little voice in the back of her head loved to remind her, this had once been many years away too. Velvet began to fidget with her hooves. Time was flying now, passing her by with startling speeds. Her son was leaving home now. What next? Twilight graduating school? It was too fast, all too fast. She wanted to throw her hooves into the air and scream for it all to stop, but she was very aware that there would have been no point. Time bent for no mare- not even her. Her babies were growing up and getting lives of their own now. Twilight was interested in studying, Shiny was leaving the house, and Velvet was… Impotent. Her daughter didn’t need her to remind her to study for a test, her son didn’t need her to kiss a scraped knee better, and she was left in the cold because she didn’t know who she was if her children didn’t need her.
The times were changing. Come sunrise, her baby boy would be going off on his own. This terrified her. The thing she had worked for, pushed for, sacrificed for the most was to do whatever it took to protect her children. Her son especially, since he was so much like her in the sense that he longed for adventure. She’d been vigilant when he was a baby about making sure he couldn’t put anything in his mouth he couldn’t eat, as a colt she’d screened her son’s friends to be sure he had good influences around him (and mercifully he was very good at picking friends so she hadn’t had to worry), and as a teenager, she’d made sure that he stayed on the straight and narrow path, without drifting into rebellion as other teens were wont to do. She’d done everything she could to protect him. She’d sacrificed her sleep to stop his nightmares, taken the first bite of whatever he wasn’t sure was good in the kitchen (and more than once gotten food poisoning because of it) so he wouldn’t have to wonder, had wrote far more than necessary in a night to meet a deadline ahead of schedule so that she could get paid in time to get him whatever supplies he needed. All of that sacrifice, work, and dedication would be put in jeopardy beginning tomorrow.
Her son was training to become a Royal Guard. The protectors of Princess Celestia herself, and other royalty that may come to visit. Every day her son would train, and likely be bruised and sore, but worse would be once he finished training, and was given active duty. Then, he would be putting himself in harm’s way every single day. The images that went through her mind of her son getting burnt to a crisp by a rampaging dragon or killed by an attacking enemy or taken hostage by a rival kingdom were violent and fuel for what was sure to be a nightmare-fueled night. Her anxiety was at it’s peak now. She wanted to rip her mane out or scream- something, anything to stop the fear pummeling through her at top speed.
But it was more than just fear. It was a small voice inside, whispering constantly. It was so low and quiet that it could have gone unnoticed. But, in her keyed up state, she noticed it. That voice, whispering low and slow, told her, You didn’t do enough to protect him if he’s still taking this road.
She desperately wanted to shut that thought out, but it was too late. The damage had been done. It was the insecurity of hers she’d refused to acknowledge from the day her son had told her at the age of seven that he wanted to be a Royal Guard. She’d tried desperately to interest him in other things- and a few of them even stuck- all to avoid this path. She had done everything in her power to try and stop him from it without being outright about it, because she knew her son well enough to know that if she tried outright, he’d do it immediately. She had been utterly terrified for his safety. Him getting his cutie mark in that area was cold comfort to her. Sure, he’d be good at this, but that might only make him a bigger target. The first threat to be taken down were the palace to be attacked. She knew that it was his destiny, but that didn’t make her feel any better. Destiny had still led ponies to die young, and she didn’t want that for her son. It made her feel as though she wasn’t a good enough mother if she couldn’t manage to stop him from potentially destroying himself.
It was at the core of her insecurities, this anxiety of hers. This feeling that she wasn’t enough. She felt it often, niggling in the corners of her brain. This feeling that she didn’t do enough or want enough or say enough to her kids. Days like today truly emphasized that there just wasn’t enough time for her to do all of that like she wanted to. She wanted to desperately to keep her children close to her, away from the outside world, to try and protect them and keep them safe. But she knew she couldn’t raise them that way, no matter how much she wanted to. She knew that she had to let them out into the world for their benefit, but she didn’t like it. She knew her children would never truly understand just how frightening the world outside the walls of their home was until they themselves became parents. Parenthood opened up a third eye of sorts, one that could find danger in any situation, anywhere. Much as she wished she could close that eye sometimes, she thought it better to be aware than to be blind and ignorant. At least, then, if she were aware she could try and formulate a strategy to prevent it.
But nothing could have prevented this. She saw that now. Her son was his own stallion, making his own choice, and any path he chose would have almost inevitably ended him here. She hated that, despised that with every fiber of her being, because it was preventing her from keeping him safe. That was essentially her job as a parent. To keep her children safe, and to love and provide for them. She’d done all three, but one of those was now in jeopardy.
She hated herself for being so selfish. This was supposed to be a happy occasion. Shining was going to do what he’d always wanted to do, and she should be glad for him. She shouldn’t have been feeling like she was. She wanted to shove the bad feelings away and focus on the good ones, but she knew that if she did that they would only come back stronger. Plus, she would have not been being authentic with herself. She had to acknowledge these fears and thoughts, or else they would continue to haunt her forever.
The images of her son dying violently combined with the low whisper in her mind being slowly and steadily turned up to full blast in her head. Interspersed with these were images of Shining’s happy foalhood, and the stark contrast between the images put a lump the size of an egg in her throat. Silent tears began to stream down her face. She cried for so many things- The fear for her son, her own insecurities, and the loss of innocence her son would soon gain with his exposure to the outside world.
I tried and tried to keep him safe but it just wasn’t enough… I wasn’t enough.
Her head was bowed and her shoulders were shaking violently with the sheer force of her grief. She wasn’t sobbing aloud, but silent ones made her breath hitch, and she had to concentrate to control her own breathing so that she didn’t hyperventilate and draw her husband out here. He didn’t need to see her like this. He’d think it was his job to fix it, and this wasn’t something that could be fixed. This was an ongoing issue, and the best that could happen would be to have some good days along with the bad ones. It would never truly fade, and she had to accept that. But the acceptance just made her cry harder, because she just wanted the feelings of her own inadequacy to stop and leave her be- but they never would. There would always be something she should have done, could have said better, would have tried harder at if she’d had the chance. Those tiny failings, however minuscule, had made her insecurities go from being a blip on the radar, to a rampaging monster. And this monster was going to swallow her whole.
It wasn’t enough. Everything she’d worked so hard for just wasn’t enough. She wasn’t enough. She couldn’t save her son from himself and the danger he couldn’t yet see. She couldn’t stop him from going out into a world that would inevitably scorn him in some way. She wished that the wrappings of her love could have acted like a sort of shield, to protect him from what lie in wait out there, but it couldn’t. All the magic in the world couldn’t have helped transform her love into something that would shield him from everything. She had to accept that. She also knew that if she shielded him from everything that yes, nothing bad would happen to him, but nothing good would either. Still, in a moment like this, it was so tempting to go in her son’s room, pick him up, put him in her lap, and cuddle him until she passed away herself. Those little boy moments that she’d loved and cherished so dearly were gone now. Shining wouldn’t want to cuddle with her in the mornings as he’d loved to at age two. He wouldn’t come to her for comfort after a nightmare like he had at four. He’d never excitedly show off the first spell he’d ever done by intention at age seven, and he’d never let her tuck him into bed just one last time as he’d had at twelve. It was the age-old struggle of a son struggling to break free of his mother, and a mother unable to let go of her baby. She had to grieve the loss of his innocence and childhood, because if she didn’t, she’d never be able to move on. So she did. She cried and shook and mourned and grieved until she just didn’t have anything left in her.
“Mom?”
The voice made her freeze. Her son was standing in the entryway to the living room from the hallway. She knew by the direction his voice had come from. She immediately set to composing herself.
“Shining. I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you get up honey. Did you need something?” She asked. She hated herself for the way her voice cracked when she spoke. She didn’t dare look at him with her tear stained face. To upset the image he’d always held of her as a strong mare wasn’t something he needed to deal with right now. Of course, she might as well have said to Tartarus with it since the break in her voice seemed to give it away for her. She wanted to retain the superequine image he’d held of her as a colt. He’d used to tell his friends when he was little that his Mommy wasn’t afraid of anything. But now, that illusion had been shattered.
Shining Armor sat next to his mother. “Mom? Are you okay? What’s wrong?” He asked.
It occurred to her suddenly, sharply, painfully, that the innocence she’d thought the world would rob him of had unintentionally been shattered by herself because he saw her cry. And suddenly, she was sobbing violently. She felt his hooves wrap around her gently, and she threw her own around his neck in a tight embrace, as she held onto the child she’d comforted from nightmares, took out on Nightmare Night, kissed scraped knees for, and cherished above everything else. The scent of him still remained unchanged somehow, after all this time. That scent she’d loved on the day he’d been born- of summer night air and a freshly cut meadow, along with his own, unique scent that she didn’t quite have a name for. It never failed to calm her. It was like a drug in that way. She held him for all it was worth, knowing that her arms would soon ache because he wouldn’t be around to hug anymore, or give a goodbye kiss to- even if he said he was too old for it.
Shining was completely bewildered by what was happening, but nonetheless wrapped his mother in a hug. He did not want to admit it, and never would out loud, but seeing his mother in this state scared him. He’d never thought that he himself would be doing what his mother had done all those years ago for him- comforting her. In the next instant though, he realized that maybe he had done it before without realizing it. He could recall a few instances through the murky haze of memory where his mother had looked sad, and he’d climbed into her lap, told her it would be okay, and given her a hug, bringing out her smile again.
“It will be okay, Mama.” He whispered to her, echoing the words he’d said so long ago. His mother had stiffened against him as though an electric shock had gone through her body, but then, she sagged forward in relief, her breathing evening out as well.
She held him for a long time as she slowly came down from her hysterics. This closeness would be something she’d always treasure. Finally, though she hated to do it, she pulled away.
“I’m sorry If I worried you. That was silly of me…” She said, wiping her eyes.
“Don’t be sorry. I’m glad I could help.” He insisted.
Her smile was watery. “But I am sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”
“Sorry for what?”
“Everything.” Her voice broke, and suddenly the dam of words in her head broke, and began to spill out. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for the toy I couldn’t get you when you were seven, and the restaurant I wouldn’t take you to when you were twelve because it was too expensive. I’m sorry I couldn’t get you the armor you wanted when we went looking in the shop. I’m sorry I didn’t comfort you after a nightmare when you were nine because I was so deeply asleep after working on a book. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you enough how proud I am of you, or how much I love you because there will never be enough time in the world for me to tell you. I’m sorry I couldn’t fix every problem you came to me with, and I’m so, so sorry for every time I couldn’t protect you and I wanted to. I’m so sorry that the best I had just wasn’t enough. I’m sorry that I wasn’t enough. You deserve a better mother than me.” She was weeping as she spilled out every regret she’d had over the years.
Shining was shocked at what she’d said. But all he could do was pull her into another hug as he began to cry too. “Mama, you are the best mother I could have ever had. You’ve always been enough for me. You listened to every problem I ever had, you gave me good advice, you always tried to have my best interests at heart. You’re the best mom I could have asked for, and I love you.” He sobbed.
The words exploded a kind of staggering relief inside of Velvet, and she kissed her son’s tears away as he cried. “I love you too. You’ll always be my baby boy, no matter how big you get. Don’t ever forget that.”
“I won’t. I promise.” He shuttered.
She held him, kissed him, and cuddled him on this last night before he would enter the real world on his own. “Don’t forget to remember me.” She whispered.
“I could never forget you, Mama.”
And for a moment, the day ahead didn’t matter. The mutual promise to remember seemed to do the impossible and still time, if only for an instant. And Velvet knew that no matter what happened next, the love between her and her son would endure through anything else they’d go through. The future was uncertain, but what could always be counted on was the unending and unconditional love between mother and son.